#fingers crossed the vet trip w stroya goes well today or i may finally crash out as the kids say
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#if u know me irl no u dont#didnt mean to stop initiating socialization this month but ive been so irritable and avoidant i just havent#and its been literally a month and the only socials ppl have initiated is to complain at me or ask me for something#nothing else#and just this has been a pattern since high school#i know everyone says 'aww bohoo no one texts me first stop texting first and see who cares'#but i think the stupid part is the ppl i know think they do care#but care and effort arent related in their brains at all#my presence only matters when it benefits them#when i help them emotionally or w advocacy or as a social bridge to others or to fulfill their social needs or cuz they think im hot#me as a person never exists#me as a provision does#and i know theres some bw thinking here#but the reality is when a pattern has extenddd 17 years without change#despite me changing approach and working on my health and my relations over and over and ongoing#maybe the reality is im only wanted when im useful and/or entertaining#and i as a person am inconsequential and unmissable#im out of sight out of mind for most everyone#fingers crossed the vet trip w stroya goes well today or i may finally crash out as the kids say
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