#finger crossed that my migraine decides to chill for a while so i can write the next post

[reallybadfeeling]

My Obikin Playlist Masterpost Part 2

Not that anybody was really waiting for this, but here is the second part of the playlist with an explanation for each song. If you are interested in reading my rant on the first 20 songs, you can check the post I made last week HERE.

Without further ado, I'll leave you to my rant for songs 21 to 40.

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❧ One in a Million - Midnight to Monaco

Tears fall like acid rain and it burns me through the skin It's taken everything from me, I've lost my innocence The bats brings the night today, watch them turn the sky to black Like a gun that fires that sound again Frightens me until the bitter end I can't keep holding on And I hide away I need it to keep me from breaking down And I'm under Baby I can't carry on, dead and I've been buried on Baby, I was one in a million Even if our love was strong, take me down and let it fall Baby, I was one in a million And I was holding, burning, waking, turning Tasting blood and losing time I want to get a hold of myself Baby, I was one in a million [...] And I need it to keep me from thinking I won't find my wings no more

This entire song is about how someone's life gets absolutely destroyed by drug abuse. Or at least, that's how I always interpreted this. But drug abuse always makes me think about any kind of obsessions doing exactly the same thing. So I love this song for Anakin in particular. That "I was one in a million" giving me this "Chosen One" vibe. Like he got lost on the way to what he was supposed to be, and now that he's fallen he has no clue how to get back to what he was supposed to be, that one in a million.

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❧ Losing My Religion - R.E.M.

The lengths that I will go to The distance in your eyes Oh no, I've said too much I set it up That's me in the corner That's me in the spotlight Losing my religion Trying to keep up with you And I don't know if I can do it Oh no, I've said too much I haven't said enough [...] Every whisper, of every waking hour I'm choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on you Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool [...] Consider this the hint of the century Consider this the slip That brought me to my knees, failed

Another classic song that is in basically any ships' playlist. And it fits so much with unrequited love (or pining in general). How can I not think of Obi-Wan trying desperately to be a good Jedi while he's well aware of his feelings for Anakin?

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❧ Hurt Me - Lapsley

Can't look at you the same way, anticipatin' heartbreak And I know, and I know, and I know I'm puttin' on a brave face to meet you in the same place And I know, and I know, and I know Gotta let my mind find another space 'Cause I heard these scars never go away And now I'm runnin' out of ways to numb the pain So if you're gonna hurt Why don't you hurt me a little bit more? Just dig a little deeper Push a little harder than before [...] Like breathing underwater, what's the law and order? I don't know, I don't know, I don't know You're sitting in a corner, hiding til it's over And it shows, and it shows, and it shows Buildin' up my walls just to tear them down Tell me that it's love, force me to drown Buildin' up my walls just to tear them down Tell me that it's love And I thought you said you still loved me [...] And I'm counting down the seconds that we have I can see the end in sight, at last So if you're gonna hurt me Why don't you hurt me a little bit more?

This entire song makes me think of one of those situations where both of them are pining and convinced that the other is about to tell them something that would end up breaking their heart. Basically first half is Obi-Wan knowing from the start that they won't work, maybe because he thinks Anakin is in love with Padmé and that's what Anakin wants to talk about; second half is Anakin, sure that Obi-Wan would deny having feelings for him because of how much he loves being a Jedi so he tries to be a better Jedi for the sake of Obi-Wan. Because I love the trope of both of them being too oblivious to realize they are in love.

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❧ The Shelter of My Love - Astropol

When you have nothing to lose No one dear and no one to care for Non one sees you but I do I'll take you in I won't let you go Oh the middle of the night Black as tar and eager to hold you Just as pretty as my love Just as hungry Just as eternal [...] When you have no bridge to burn No place to go, no place to return to No one loves you like I do I love you [...] When you have nothing to lose And nightfall comes, eager to hold you No one loves you like I do I love you I love you, I love you Oh shelter of my faith All the peril, all the weight Mighty glorious The shelter of my faith Oh shelter of my trust All the longing, all the lust God will help you if you lost the shelter of my trust

I'm perfectly aware that this is a song about faith. It's basically like a call to pray because even when you are lost the one person that will always be there for you is God. BUT, this actually works pretty well for the Jedi Order too. And if we think of how Anakin joined the Jedi, how he felt like the only thing he would lose is his mother, it kinda makes sense with these lyrics. And even Obi-Wan: he was given to the Jedi when he was so young that that's the only life he knows. At the same time, it can be about Anakin and Obi-Wan finding that solace in each other too, because sure, the entire Order is there to support them. But it's almost like it's their last option to them, because when in need the first person they go to is the other.

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❧ The Night We Met - Lord Huron

I am not the only traveler Who has not repaid his debt I've been searching for a trail to follow again Take me back to the night we met And then I can tell myself What the hell I'm supposed to do And then I can tell myself Not to ride along with you I had all and then most of you Some and now none of you Take me back to the night we met I don't know what I'm supposed to do Haunted by the ghost of you Oh, take me back to the night we met When the night was full of terrors And your eyes were filled with tears When you had not touched me yet Oh, take me back to the night we met

You should know me by now. If a song that is basically perfect for Obi-Wan post RotS, I'm gonna find it. And this one is just PERFECT! Like, Obi-Wan absolutely feels like he owes something to the universe because he is the one who failed Anakin, who allowed him to fall. So I imagine him wanting a do-over, a chance to stay away from Anakin so that Anakin can be better and his own heart can't be broken in such a terrible way. Basically, this is also perfect for a time traveler Obi-Wan trying to fix things from day 1.

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❧ Danger - JKAY feat Shola Ama

I'm a million reasons in And I'm going out on a limb But I can't, no I can't deny Cause I, I fell in love with danger And I think I found a stranger in you The boy that I knew, left me torn into two And I don't know what to do

Nothing fancy about this one, just Obi-Wan realizing there is a wild side to the cute, totally unable to flirt young teenager he took care of for so long. Basically something to write smut on. You all know you need these kind of songs too. (And I picked the acoustic version because it gives me more soft love-making vibes, but the original one is perfect for a more passionate kind of mood).

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❧ Amandoti - Giovanni Lindo Ferretti

Loving you makes me weary, guts my insides (It’s) Something that feels like laughing in tears Loving you makes me weary, it makes me sorrowful What can you do (about it), that’s life That’s life, my (life) [...] Loving you comforts my sleepless nights It’s something that replaces old dead flames Loving you comforts me, it gives me joy What can you do (about it), that’s life But (that) life is my life Love me once more, do it softly One year, one month, one hour (Do it) Hopelessly Love me once more, do it softly Just for an hour But let it be forever

I was forced to put the live version from the original composer in the playlist, but a couple of weeks ago I posted a link to Maneskin's cover of this song (which, isn't on Spotify). You can check it out HERE, with a full translation of the lyrics (yes, Italian songs will always be a thing for this playlist, get over it). Like I said in the tags of that post, this is just another one of those songs that give me post RotS Obi-Wan feels. Just him all alone and heartbroken wishing he could feel Anakin's love just once more. Simply perfection.

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❧ Lemon Eyes - Meg Myers

Hush now baby, there's no need to cry Let me wipe away those lemon eyes All your worries, such a waste of time You can't even see how much you're mine You're so bitter, bitter, bitter, yellow Settle, settle, got to settle down, okay Listen, listen, you listen, yellow It's a killer, a killer, a killer jealousy Lemon eyes, you're mine Yellow eyes, all mine I bet you wanna walk away, run away, look away, turn away Honey you can't hide Lemon eyes, all mine

Do I even have to explain this? It's basically perfect for all of Anakin's issues with jealousy, but with what yellow eyes mean in this fandom it could absolutely be about Sith!Anakin. It's just such a fitting song for these two, with Obi-Wan trying to reason with a very unreasonable Anakin... (And I might have anonymously suggested to someone to listen to it as a good song for their fic. *coff coff* @tennessoui *coff coff*)

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❧ 10 Years - Daði Freyr

We've been together for a decade now Still everyday I'm lovin' you more If I could do it all again I'd probably do it all the same as before I don't wanna know what would've happened If I never had had your love I didn't became myself before I met you I don't wanna know what would've happened If I never had felt you love Everything about you, I like We started out so fast Now we can take it slower Love takes some time Takes a little time, so take a litte time As it ages like wine [...] And just when I thought that my heart was full I found place that I never explored You're so fascinating And I can't remember the last time I was bored [...] How does it keep getting better? Everyday our love finds a new way to grow The time we spend together Simply feels good We got a good thing going

How could I not put this song in this playlist? Like, it can literally be about how in the many years together, their love for each other grew and grew, and changed to get better with time. But it can also be just Anakin and Obi-Wan in an established relationship, since this is technically a song about a ten years anniversary. I just LOVE IT. It's super sweet and we all need fluff sometimes.

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❧ Different Kind Of Love - Kid Runner

It was always you there Dancing towards me Grabbing both my hands like Here we go, here we go again Maybe it was destiny We were so familiar But you caught me staring And I don't know, I don't know, I guess [...] And when you're near me I can't help but be under your spell Can I make you believe you're the only one I need? [...] It must've been something A switch in my brain It kept me in motion It drove me insane It must've been something Something you said You're pulling me under Holding me close Inside my head Oh, it's a different kind of love And when I see your face I know, I know You got me going Oh, and this could be enough I'm dreaming wide awake I know, I know

Classic friends to lovers AU song that works wonders with Anakin's kind of love, all obsessive and stuff. Definitely can picture teen Anakin pining over Obi-Wan to the tune of this, all awkward boners at absolutely inappropriate times and Obi-Wan never truly pointing it out, because he doesn't want to make Anakin even more uncomfortable.

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❧ Ruthless - GIRLI

Home? What's that? I got a doll's house with a few cracks Grew too tall, now I'm poking out the attic My feet are in the basement 'cause I never wanna hack it Life, what's that? Life, what's that? [...] Take my soul, Take me down Take me back to the beginning of this when I was still innocent Me, sorry who? I'm a kid in a grown-up suit Looking in the mirror tryna figure out who's Banging on the glass 'cause they're tryna break through Is it me? Is it you? Think it's me, wish I knew Take me, use me, screw me over Play me like I like losing Trip me, trick me, drug me Say you love me but you like cheating You're the only one to blame You made me this way Guess that's why I'm so damn Ruthless You made me, you made me You made me ruthless You made me, you made me You made me ruthless Only way to do it When you break me and I lose it Oh, you made me You made me so damn fucking ruthless [...] Yeah it's tragic All the bad bits Made me so damn ruthless No, it's not me I don't wanna be Ruthless

Being a woman, I know perfectly that this song is about how sometimes women have to grow up to be mean because of all of the abuse they go throw in their life. But I kind of see Anakin as this person that would absolutely blame everyone else for his fall to the Dark Side and this works so well! Like, the doll house is a metaphor for how the Jedi Order was supposed to be his home, but in the end he felt like he was used, like the Jedi told him they loved him just to trick him into doing whatever they wanted, basically cheating him of a simpler life with his mom. And even the looking in the mirror thing could be when he's already in the Vader suit and he doesn't know if Vader is what he was supposed to be all along or somewhere inside him there's this young innocent child trying to get out. What can I say, most of the times I have Obi-Wan feelings. But every once in a while I find something twisted enough to give me Anakin/Vader feelings too.

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❧ All or Nothing - Wild Youth

I remember when we were younger We used to stay up late We used to watch the sun go down, the sun go down Yeah at night I, I think about ya How I spent so long living without ya You're all I need, the air I breathe So hold tight, I'm coming 'Cause it's all or nothing I'm a million miles away and I feel so low I've been driving all night just to get back home to you To you See the sunrise, it's a classi break Driving down roads that I used to take with you With you Every streetlight, new horizon Start to wonder if you realise Oh, we were vain, was more than friends So hold tight, I'm coming 'Cause it's all or nothing

Okay, this is kind of perfect for a very specific kind of AU. Like, the "they used to be childhood friends, then got separated by life, but they were always meant for each other, so after meeting once by chance after years separated, they can't go back to their life, they have to stay with the other" kind of specific AU. The song might work with how the Clone Wars kept them separate too, but... yeah. It's kinda specific. Sorry not sorry.

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❧ Someone Like You - Noah Kahan feat. Joy Oladokun

Guess I'm a mess now Lost with my head down I haven't heard from you in weeks You must have left town I can't go back now And all that I have now Are those feelings I felt Knowing that no one else can bring them back out And I've been trying to find a silver lining But I can't But I can't Now that I can't hold you I wish that I had tried to Do more not to lose you Now that I can't find you Because the second you left, yeah the voice in my head screamed "What did I do?" Now you're gone and all I want is someone like you

Once again, ignoring that this is a song about a couple breaking up after one of the two cheated because this is also perfect for Anakin confessing his love for Obi-Wan as soon as he's a Knight. He was sure that would make Obi-Wan accept his love and try to get in a relationship, instead Obi-Wan panicked and asked to get sent as far away from Anakin as he could. So of course Anakin is filled with regret about his confession.

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❧ Big Boy - Charlotte Cardin

Maybe if I spell it out Big boy will take me on proper You nailed my heart to your wall You never dusted off after [...] Maybe if I'm a broken wing Big boy in my nest You nailed my heart to your wall And disposed of the rest of me With your push and shove Like what's love ain't love But it's love to me My boy is not a man yet My boy is not a man yet But boy do I love it when you kiss my neck Oh boy last night was perfect You're changing my mind Like what's mine ain't mine Be mine to be Maybe if we try again Big boy we could have it my way You nailed my heart to your wall But it was damaged anyways

Another song to write smut to, but smut with feels. Mainly Obi-Wan's, that maybe feels like Anakin played with him just so that they could sleep together, but never actually tried to put a pin on what their relationship is supposed to be after. And Obi-Wan realizes that part of the reason is that Anakin is still so young and maybe he's the one that made a mistake. Like, he's not even sure that what he feels is real, but he still keeps following what Anakin wants because what is the alternative after all?

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❧ Home with You - Marie Dahlstrom

Happy to be home with you Happy to wake up with you Even after all that you've benne through Happy that you feel the same Hope that I can ease the pain Happy to come by 'Cause you just give me life And I love spending time with you It's easy when I want you like that I don't regret it even if you might think That I've got Plenty other reasons in my head Plenty other questions still unsaid Nobody knows where you'll go but I'm here [...] I don't understand it all Still I will accept your flaws Just the way that you're accepting mine No, I'm not really one to judge We can laugh it off because It's just one life for you and I and I know [...] Feels so good when it's You by my side I could just stay all night I could just stay all night I love the things you do Nobody knows where we'll go but I'm here Baby, whenever you need me Baby come over, baby come over Whenever you need I will always be by your side

This song can honestly fit multiple things. It can absolutely be Obi-Wan accepting that Anakin reaches out for him only in certain situations and him always being open to it, no matter how their relationship isn't really the traditional kind of relationship (like, a friends with benefits kind of deal). But it can also be Obi-Wan and Anakin getting together when Anakin is already Vader, so Obi-Wan is slowly falling to the Dark Side too. You can also just use this as another song to write soft love making too since it's so slow and soft. Or just do whatever you want with it.

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❧ Hands Tied - Beatrich

You got me home sick for your arms The arms that keep me close But you just slip though my fingers Like I'm tryna catch a ghost I'd travel to the moon and back For you and all that you could say is That you didn't ask for that You'd never ask I'd travel to the moon and back For you and all that you could say is That you didn't ask for that You'd never And you stand there Looking at me with my hands tied And how foolish Foolish of me to let this one slide I'm terrified The roots are way too deep And there is no way out You just stand there Looking at me with my hands tied

Huge vibes of Anakin being mad in love with Obi-Wan, and Obi-Wan pushing him away because he sees Anakin as a brother, not as a lover. And there's all kind of pining from Anakin because of the unrequited love and he tries to do crazy stuff for Obi-Wan hoping he will fall in love with him but it fails... Yeah, that's the angst that hurts in the best way! (But, you know, can totally be reversed to Obi-Wan in love with Anakin in a canon scenario with Anakin married to Padmé.)

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❧ Same Bed - Lola Young

I'm too quick to judge, too fast to fuck If we're lonely and I'm No good in love, 'cause the last time I ended up a little dead inside Sorry I lied, I do not want you, no Sorry my pride's a little too high To let you know I cried when you said you had to go, baby [...] (whispered) Fuck then, don't do this to me now Don't say my name when you're talking to me Don't say we're on the same page Don't look away when you walk into me I like the pain, I like the pain I'm making it hard for you to move on And be lonely 'cause I'm So good with words that the last time I broke his heart [...] I got a bit drunk yesterday evening and I Told you some things I didn't mean, oh did I? Hate it, I hate it when I get complacent I love it when you pull that face and we make mistakes Utterly wasted And wake up in the same bed In the same t-shirt I told you I loved you in The same regrets Like wearing the t-shirt I told you I love you in [...] I only like you when you're naked At least, that's what I proved to myself Can't make a fool of myself, baby God, it's so frustrating, making such a fool of myself Gotta make do with myself, baby I only like you when you're naked At least, that's what I proved to myself You make a fool of myself, baby Let's overcomplicate it, maybe just lose ourselves

Back with the complicated relationship and the angst. Can see this in a canon compliant AU with both Anakin and Obi-Wan not really wanting to admit they are in love with each other, but somehow they always end up sleeping together, and telling the other how much they love them just to regret all of it the day after. Basically making things complicated for no reason other than Obi-Wan not wanting to break the rules/his belief that he's meant for infinite sadness, but also because Anakin can't give up on this twisted love despite how much it hurts him and being petty in trying to make Obi-Wan suffer just as much.

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❧ Ghost - Harper

Not putting lyrics here because this entire song gives me Obi-Wan on Tatooine post-RotS vibes. Like, he's literally on the planet Anakin came from, there to protect Anakin's kids. OF COURSE he sees Anakin's "ghost". Like, he sees so much of Anakin in Luke when he grows up. And it feels kind of fitting as a punishment for Obi-Wan to be slowly going crazy because he keeps being haunted by this image of Anakin around him. Literally this line: "why you gotta make me weak to make me stronger". That's Obi-Wan trying to get over this love for Anakin and realizing that he has to mourn and suffer before he becomes stronger and able to get free from this ghost's hold. (But, you know, Anakin's ghost might even be actually Anakin, in a scenario where Anakin is actually trapped inside of Vader and trying to get free by reaching out to Obi-Wan for help.)

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❧ Qualcosa di Grande - Cesare Cremonini

What happened, you changed You are not the same Or are you still the one That grew up with me What happened, you ran away And with you so did my life I searched for it, I searched for it But I found it only in you There's something important between us That you can never change Not even if you want to But there's something important between us That you can never forget Not even if you want to What happened, you fell You fell too low and now you try to climb back up But it's a struggle you don't want [...] What happened, your light Your light is obscured By someone that I know And that took you away from me What happened, your star Your star eclipsed And now (I dare you to) shine from the darkness without me

Yet another song that gives me RotS feels. It's obviously a break up song, a song about regrets and struggling to move on. So of course in it I see Anakin falling to the Dark Side and Obi-Wan trying to remind him of what is between the two of them so that Anakin comes back to him. (If you want to read the complete translation, you can check it out here.)

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❧ Dark Side - Phoebe Ryan

At your worst, you're the best Baby I don't want another version, no Hard to love, hard to trust But don't change Don't be a better person for me 'Cuz I'm in love with your dark side I'm in love with your dark side So don't turn on the light [...] Even if it hurts, I want you heart Even at your worst, I love you hard If you wanna keep me, go too far

Another song that is more of a both!Sith AU but also something Vaderwan would work honestly. I like the twisted nature of this kind of love so much in fics. Can absolutely works with any version of Anakin or/and Obi-Wan being the bad guy in the story.

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All done! All 20 new songs I added to the original playlist explained away. Like last time, I hope you find any of this entertaining or useful. If any of this inspires your creativity, don't be shy and tag me on your stuff. I'll gladly read it/watch it/enjoy it.

[frenchpuppycormier]

HI ZOË!!! angst #16 for that sentence starter post if you're still up for some writing. i love getting my feelings hurt 🤡

"Are you hurt?"

"No."

"Then why are there bruises all over your face?"

—

Kara doesn't have a mean bone in her body.

She waves at every animal she sees on her daily walks and patrols at night. She gives and gives to people without expecting anything in return. When someone is having a bad day or just really needs to talk, she listens, even criminals. Most of them aren't any different than the average person, they simply were dealt the wrong hand. She's extremely loyal and doesn't take anything personally. One time, Kara saved a fly that was trapped in a spider's web.

So yeah, Kara doesn't have a mean bone in her body. Which is why today is such an anomaly.

She's in the kitchen still dressed in her navy chinos and baby pink button up with palm trees from when she came home from work. Andrea made her rewrite an article thrice, Jeremy from accounting had broken the copier machine and politely asked for her help in fixing it, she stopped a bank robbery a few blocks down from CatCo when she realized the police wouldn't get there in time, and to top it all off she unwillingly skipped lunch after someone stole her sandwich from the staff fridge.

To say she was exhausted and starving was an understatement. Changing into her pajamas meant she had to walk all the way to the bedroom and Kara was too lazy, even for superspeed.

As she stirs her homemade tomato sauce she taps her phone screen and checks the time. 6:35 pm. Frowning, Kara doesn't see any missed messages or calls from Lena letting her know she's going to be late.

She shrugs to herself and thinks Lena must've gotten caught up in her lab and lost track of time. It happens more often than not, and Kara doesn't think it'll ever change, much to her chagrin. It's bad enough Lena forgets to eat lunch most days, but to continuously forget her phone and watch in her office? Kara knows her wife's a workaholic, but she wasn't aware until now, the fourth night this week, that it was getting this bad.

Kara strains the pasta and cuts the garlic bread while periodically stirring the sauce and checking her phone. She decides to finally turn on some music when the silence of the penthouse becomes too stifling and daunting.

She's in the middle of dancing to ABBA and plating the food when she hears a familiar heartbeat walking down the hall. Kara tries not to listen to it too often—she doesn't want Lena to feel like her privacy has been invaded—but sometimes she can't help it. Her wife's heartbeat is one of the most soothing sounds she's ever heard, and ever since she heard it for the first time, she's just been naturally drawn to it, like a moth to a flame.

Kara smiles as she hears it get closer until Lena's opening the door and walking through. "Hey, babe! I'm in the kitchen!" she yells, her energetic voice reverberating throughout the house.

There's no verbal response like there usually is, which is the first warning sign. The second is when Lena walks by—she has to in order to go to their room—it's with quick steps and careful avoidance. But Kara's been able to read her like a book since they've known each other, and she knows something's amiss by the way Lena doesn't even greet her with a kiss. She always does.

"Lena?"

Her wife stops frozen in her tracks, head angled down, hair covering her face like a curtain. Lena's heart ticks up a beat, leaving Kara wildly concerned.

"Lena?" she steps around the island and stands in front of her. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she mumbles.

Kara tilts her head to make eye contact, but Lena moves her head so she can't. "Then why won't you let me look at you?"

"It's nothing, I-I'm fine."

"And why does that not convince me?" Kara sighs. Lena doesn't move a muscle and she keeps quiet. "Are you hurt?"

"No." She still shows no signs of moving. It's like she's decided her next career move is becoming one of those marble sculptures at the museum people love to gawk at.

"Lena...you're scaring me." She tentatively reaches out and grasps Lena's fingers, tremendously thankful when she doesn't pull away. If there's one thing her wife is bad at, it's letting people in. But she also knows when she's feeling stressed or overwhelmed that holding her hand relaxes and grounds her. "Please..."

Finally, after standing there in an awkward and probably painful way with the way Lena's neck is positioned, she slowly looks up. Kara audibly gasps when she sees her, and what she sees ignites a fire in her chest and a fury in her eyes. "If you're not hurt, then why are there bruises all over your face?"

"Kara.."

"Lena," she breathes and lifts her hands to gently cup her face, tears pooling in her eyes. Her breathing is significantly more ragged than before, and she mentally takes note of why that is. "What happened?"

"It's nothing," she repeats.

Kara frowns and backs away, crossing her arms. "Who did this to you?"

"Please, Kara. I don't want to make a big deal—"

"Who?" her voice is lower and angrier, sending chills down Lena's back. She grits her teeth, "Lena, tell me who did this to you now, so I can kill them."

"Kara, this isn't you," she reaches forward to calm her down, but Kara starts pacing.

"The hell it isn't!" Kara exclaims, fists clenching at her sides. "My wife was beaten for all I know, and she's acting like it's just another day at the office!" she gestures at Lena, exasperatedly. "How would you expect me to act?"

Lena flinches at her tone.

Kara notices, because she always notices when Lena's in distress, and she deflates. "Lena, you're the love of my life, my person, and when you're hurt I can't help how I act. I'm sorry if I seem like I'm overreacting or if I'm yelling, but it's you." She walks back into her space and places her hands over Lena's face, thumbs lightly grazing her cheekbones, careful not to bump her wounds. "It's you," she whispers.

Lena swallows thickly, and when she speaks her voice is soft and afraid. "It was an accident."

"Did someone do this to you?" Kara's jaw clenches as she lets go. She doesn't stray far though, crossing her arms in front of her chest to try and calm down.

"Kara, no," Lena sighs, tears pooling in her eyes. "I...I did it to myself."

"What?" Kara's arms drop to her sides. "What are you talking about?"

"I was in a board meeting," she clears her throat. "Um...I was presenting a new prototype for...for," Lena shakes her head and frowns tensely. She rubs her eyes with tight fists and with a shaky breath, she cries, "Kara, I—I can't remember!"

Kara steps forward and grasps her hands. "Hey, it's okay. Take your time." She rubs soothing circles over her knuckles with her thumbs.

Lena takes a deep breath and tries again. "I was in a board meeting, and I vaguely recall getting a terrible migraine. Everything after that is fuzzy," she sniffles and takes her hands back to wipe her eyes. "Jess said I fell and hit my head on the table on the way down."

Kara inhales shakily, "What?"

"I had a seizure, I guess," she says it with a slight lilt at the end like it's a question she doesn't want answered. "Uh, it lasted about five minutes until the paramedics arrived. They said I was lucky I wasn't doing something else, like driving. It could've been a lot worse."

"Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't anyone call me?," Kara looks at her with pleading but sorrowful eyes.

"I didn't want you to worry."

"We promised each other, remember?" squeezes her hands. "For better or worse," she says with all the conviction she has. Kara kisses her knuckles and asks, "What did the doctors say?"

Lena sniffles and bows her head. "They ran all these tests on me, but couldn't find anything serious as to why I had a seizure. It could be any number of things, but they can't really do anything for me until I have another one," she looks up at her wife, lips wobbling.

"Kara, I'm scared," she whispers. "This is—" her words catch in her throat, and it's hard for her to breathe. "This is—my mom," she cries hysterically, covering her mouth with her hands, "This is how my mom died, she—she had a seizure while she was in the lake and she drowned. I can't—I can't believe this is—this is happening," she hiccups into another sob.

"Shhh," Kara envelops her in a hug and rubs soothing hands along her back. Lena bawls uncontrollably into her neck, hands gripped tightly to the back of Kara's shirt. "I'm so sorry, Lena," she kisses her on the head and murmurs into her hair, "We're gonna figure this out, I promise."

"What if I have what she had?" Lena questions, voice muffled and watery. "Kara...I don't wanna die," her mind begins to fill with thousands of different scenarios and she spirals into a panic, her whole body shaking, "I don't wanna die, Kara!"

"Honey, no," Kara hugs her tighter, as much as she can without harming her, then pulls back and kisses her on the forehead. She pointedly looks into her eyes when she says, "You're not dying. Okay? Not today, not anytime soon, alright?" Lena's face is red and splotchy. She tries to reign in control of her emotions, and she exhales a shaky breath while managing to give a slight nod. "Good. We'll figure out what's wrong with you, and if we can't do that here, then...we'll go to Argo. Their advances in science are way ahead of Earth's, and if that's not enough then I'll personally travel to other earths or other planets until I find a solution. You're not going anywhere if I have anything to say about it."

"Promise?"

Kara palms the underside of her jaw and rests their foreheads together, Lena's puffs of breath hitting her lips. "I promise," she presses their lips together in a chaste kiss and mumbles, "I love you." Kara kisses her again, "More than anything."

"I love you, too," Lena replies and buries her face in Kara's chest, her arms wrapped around her waist tight and what would be restricting if not for Kara’s invulnerable body. A calming minute passes for them in the aftermath of Lena's breakdown, when Lena quietly asks, "Is something burning?"

Lena feels her wife stiffen in her arms. "Shit!"

She pulls back and raises her eyebrows curiously, an amused glint in her eyes as she asks, "Did you just swear?"

Kara extracts herself from Lena's hold and stutters, "N-no, I said sh-sheet," she fumbles over to the stove and turns off the burner. Kara leans over the pot and frowns at the wreckage.

Lena chuckles with such fondness it's almost like their previous conversation has been forgotten. Kara beams at the sound, one of the reasons she fell in love with Lena in the first place; that girl can make laughter sound like music. Even her out-of-control snort laughs are adorable. At least to Kara's ears.

"There's no point in denying it, love, I heard you loud and clear," Lena smirks and joins her in the kitchen, poking her in the side. Kara squeals and feigns hurting by falling to the floor dramatically.

Lena playfully rolls her eyes and holds out her hand. "Baby, get up, the floor is a mess." Kara easily obeys and jumps to her feet with barely any help from Lena. "I married a weirdo," she shakes her head.

"Do you regret it?"

"Never," Lena states firmly. "You're my weirdo, forever."

"I like the sound of that," Kara blushes. Even after being married for five years, and knowing each other even longer, Lena still possesses the ability to fluster Kara on a daily basis.

"C'mon, let's order Chinese."

"You're speaking my language!" Kara kisses Lena on the nose and watches with pure affection as it scrunches. She grabs the takeout menu from the junk drawer before twining her fingers through Lena's and snuggling with her on the couch.

No matter her diagnosis, not matter the outcome, Lena will be more than okay with Kara by her side.

[tinkeringwithcannabis]

The First 90 Minutes Episode 33

Strain: Chuck OG

Company: Sira Naturals

Location: Somerville, Ma

Cannabis Connoisseur:  Shanae

Website: www.siranaturals.org

Hello again to all my cannabis loving and canna-curious friends, and welcome back to another episode of The First 90 Minutes! Today we will be toking and talking about a strain, which Leafly.com recommends for those seeking relief from cramps, depression, headaches, nausea, and pain, Chuck OG. This will be an extra special edition because I will be doing the review initially on the flower product, and then I will give you my thoughts on how it compares to the Chuck OG Terp Sauce cartridge by Sira Naturals. Ok, so this 50/50 Sativa/Indica hybrid strain is said to leave patients feeling uplifted, creative, relaxed, giggly, sedated, and hungry. I was unable to find a potential negatives list related to this strain, however, it’s parent strains Taho OG and Afghani Heirloom are said to cause potential dry mouth, dry eye, dizziness, headache, anxiety, and paranoia. Today I chose this strain to deal with a severe migraine headache that is also causing me severe nausea. My hope is that this will decrease the migraine to a point where I can at least function, and cut the nausea to where I can hold down food. I am having a lot of anxiety and experiencing a lot of stress because of the migraine discomfort, which has me feeling very physically and mentally tense. So fingers crossed, let’s jump right in to seeing what this bud can do! Now it’s time to light up, sit back, and relax, as we toke and talk about the first 90 minutes!

Diving right into the smell test, there is a definite a strong earthy aroma, followed by slightly piney scent emitted from this bud. I have read reviews that have said there is a grassy scent, I can see how this particular combination of the pine and earth could be perceived as such. Upon taking that taste test, I again taste a strong earthiness, but this is accompanied by a tartness followed by the pine undertones. For this session, I will be medicating via 4 hits from a joint. I am starting this session at 12:24 p.m., with 4 hits because I have used this strain before for this purpose. For my needs, 4 hits was what I needed. Starting out, I always recommend 1 to 2 hits. This flower is pretty smooth, and I am feeling an almost immediate and very subtle tingling sensation throughout my temples. Other than that, no other noticeable effects as of yet. At 12:34 p.m., my migraine is starting to subside slightly. I have extreme left ear pain with my mingraine and I am feeling a slight bit of relief from this as well. Throughout my body, each muscle is gradually relaxing more and more, and the tension is melting away. I feel like there are waves vibrating their way down into the core of my muscles. With the decrease in the migraine, the nausea has also started to decrease, allowing me to rest a little easier. I do not feel functional, but at this point I do feel that I am able to at least lay a little more comfortably while waiting for the effects of this session to intensify.

At 12:54 p.m., the migraine and head pressure have eased pretty significantly. I am still not at a functional point, but I am almost to a point where I would be able to get out of bed. I am experiencing some light sensitivity, but it has lessened. The nausea has almost completely subsided. As of right now my focus is not great, but it is difficult to tell whether this is strain-related, or migraine-relief related. My mood has improved, I feel calm and relaxed. My body is continuing to experience the rippling waves of relaxation. Each muscle feels loose, and my body has an almost “numb” feeling to it, and I feel as though most of the stress and tension have been released from my body. At 1:24 p.m., my migraine is almost completely gone. I am finding that despite a slight cerebral buzz, I am able to focus pretty well right now, compared to how I was earlier. I can actually carry on a conversation, or be in a room with noise and not feel like my head is going to explode. I have finally been able to get myself out of bed and downstairs to hangout in the livingroom, which did not seem like was going to happen. I am not experiencing any anxiety, and I feel very relaxed and happy. My nausea has subsided, and my appetite has returned, allowing me to eat something for the first time today. Although the relaxation “wave” sensation felt in the body seems to have stopped, my body feels relaxed and loose, very similar to how you would feel after a massage or chilling in a hot tub. Rounding into our 90 minute mark at 1:54 p.m., the effects are definitely mellowing into a more mellow and clear high. My body feels unbelievably relaxed and mellow, and my migraine and nausea have completely subsided. My mood is happy and calm, and despite feeling as though I can maintain conversation, I also am completely cool to just hang out and enjoy the quiet. I have not experienced any negatives on this strain at all. I feel very focused, and projects such as writing, or involving other creative ideas are on level with the mindset I am at with the effects at this point, but I could also see myself easily melting into the couch and letting my mind drift away for a while right now.

Now, before I jump into my final thoughts, I want to jump into a quick comparison of my experience with the flower to that with the Chuck OG Terp Sauce vape cartridge by Sira Naturals. So, how did the Terp Sauce cartridge compare to the flower? Well, it was pretty comparable as far as the timeline goes. The main difference I saw was a higher intensity in the effects of the cartridge versus the flower. I only needed two hits of the Terp Sauce versus four hits of the flower to meet my needs. Although I do love the flower version of Chuck OG, I have to say that the Terp Sauce cartridge is my favorite form of this strain. It is easily concealed and discreet, the aroma can only be noticed when vaping it and it disappears quickly. The flavor is on point with the flower, and all I need is to screw it into a battery and go.

On an overall level, this strain is absolutely amazing. It left me feeling stress and anxiety free, it provided me with an immense sense of relaxation, it boosted my appetite, resolved my nausea, and significantly helped with my migraine. Although I did not experience the creative mindset or giggles on this strain during this medication session, I did not feel that this was necessarily due to the effect not being present. I personally felt that the migraine and nausea symptoms were just too intense for those qualities of Chuck OG to come out at the time. In order to be sure, I decided to test this theory on a day where I felt better, with no migraine symptoms or nausea.

Upon testing this strain under these circumstances, I did find that I felt happy and upbeat and I found myself with a definite case of the giggles. I also found myself with a major creative buzz that left me working on my creative projects for hours. I have really found Chuck OG to be a five star strain with its ability to not only help me relieve my ailments, but to also kick back and enjoy on a day where I am hanging out with friends or working on something that requires a creativity boost. Sira, both the Chuck OG flower and the Terp Sauce cartridge are amazing, and I am really glad that you offer the flower and vape options for this strain for patients like me who may be looking for flower for evenings, but vape for busier times during the day when there may not be time to stop to roll a joint or pack a bowl. Again, I give both of these products 5 stars! Great job Sira, keep up the amazing work!

If you are a patient in Massachusetts, Sira’s Chuck OG Terp Sauce Cartridges and Chuck OG flower are sold at the following dispensary locations:

Sira Naturals:

Cambridge- Medical only

Somerville- Medical only

Needham- Medical & by appointment only

Well my friends, we have reached the end of this review. Thank you for joining me, and stay tuned for more product reviews!!

Disclaimer

*****Please remember, this blog is an account of my personal experience with this product. Not everyone has the same experience with every product, and that’s okay. I always recommend starting out with one to two hits to see if that is enough, and you can always increase your dose from there.*****

Also, if you find this post helpful, please help me get the word out to other patients by liking and re-blogging this post! Thanks!

[chininirisart]

I’ll Take You Deeper | Chapter xiv: birthday boy ii > On FF.Net and AO3

Warning/Notes: happy bday to my favorite blue haired boy  Status: In-progress (14/?) Summary: In one way or another, they simply fit. xiv: birthday boy ii:  “Hey!” She throws an arm around 2D’s shoulder and he leans down awkwardly to better fit into her embrace. “There’s this creepy guy hitting on me and he won’t leave. Do you mind if I stick around with you guys for a bit?”

The club is packed tonight, thrumming to the beat of overly loud songs and bodies swaying on the dancefloor, illuminated by a throng of colorful, bright lights. The bar is located in a more secluded area bathed in an orange glow that is easy on the eyes. 2D leans his elbow on the granite counter and swirls his drink inside the glass, watching the ice cubes dancing in the amber liquid with disinterest. His head has been pounding since the moment he set foot in this club, a pulsing pain located behind both broken eyes. He knows better than to mix medicine with liquor, but is tempted to do that in case he evades a nearly certain death and manages to get rid of this discomfort.

Russel is sitting on the stool beside his, a bottle of beer in his hand as he chats with the bartender about politics. This is supposed to be a meeting to celebrate Stu’s birthday, but Murdoc is somewhere trying to hook up with someone and 2D has ran out of things to say. Despite the weeks spent apart, they met up for a night out hours ago and have already caught up on anything that could be interesting and worth sharing. He wants to leave, but thinks it will be rude to ditch his friends.

2D takes a gulp of his whiskey and wipes his lips with the back of his hands. He checks the watch on his wrist; they have been here for approximately forty minutes. He doesn’t understand how Murdoc can try to find a... Date for tonight. They aren’t exactly as young as they used to be in college, and the trio is at least eight years older than the kind of public this club attracts. True, there are some people that are into older men, but personally, 2D has yet to meet with one that does not have any kind of ulterior motives. Most of the younger women he dated seemed to expect him to be some kind of younger sugar daddy, and left sorely disappointed when they found out he isn’t filthy rich.

Another bartender offers to refill his glass, but he declines and asks for a soda instead. He is in the mood for something fizzy and sweet, and entertains a bit of hope that a non-alcoholic drink will magically cure his headache-bordering-migraine. The man speaking with Russ moves away to tend to another client and his friend turns back to him with an apologetic smile, motioning at the can in his grip with his half-empty bottle.

“Ya okay, man?” 2D nods his reply. “If ya wanna leave, we can go. I’m just gonna finish this and ditch Muds.”

“Tha’ wouldn’t be nice.”

“Sure it won’t, but I’m tired of seein’ him chasin’ chicks and dudes and other kinds of entertainment.” Russel responds with a shrug and props an elbow on the counter. “And if I find out he’s doin’ drugs again, Imma beat him to an inch of his mediocre life.”

2D chuckles and downs the rest of his drink, the usual odd feeling clogging his throat as the carbonated liquid goes down. They keep in touch via group messages, and the older man mentions his encounters with illicit narcotics every couple of days. Privately, Russel and 2D have expressed their concerns and the former mentioned looking for a rehabilitation program for their friend once. Murdoc is a jackass that is hard to handle more often than not, but they still care for him despite all the nicknames given through the years.

A lithe body stumbles in the space between them and both men turn to the newcomer. A woman with tousled hair and slanted eyes straightens her form fitting dress and fixes them with a brilliant smile. “Hey!” She throws an arm around 2D’s shoulder and he leans down awkwardly to better fit into her embrace. “There’s this creepy guy hitting on me and he won’t leave. Do you mind if I stick around with you guys for a bit?”

They share a glance and a common thought: is Murdoc the guy she’s talking about? That’s likely. “Sure.” Surprisingly, 2D is the first to take initiative by giving up his stool so she can sit on it instead. She smiles gratefully and reaches down to rub her sore ankles. Her heels seem to be killing her feet.

“We’re leavin’ in a few. Would ya like us to escort ya outside?”

“I’d like that, thank you.” She beams at them and signals for a bottle of water. “I lost sight of my friend long ago. I was planning on leaving anyways.”

“Then it’s settled.” Russel lifts his bottle in a saluting gesture and she mimics it before sipping her drink.

They slip into an easy conversation, talking about something 2D doesn’t quite catch because he is too busy watching her fan herself and twist her hair away from the nape of her neck to reveal a drop of sweat that glides down her pale skin. It feels wrong to check her out when she has just sought them for protection, and his eyesight is bad, but he isn’t blind to beauty when it is standing there just before his nose.

Russel claps his big hands in surprise at something she says and she laughs at him. Something like recognition flickers on his friend’s face, but that is all 2D sees that isn’t her. She is petite and has curves in all the right places. She crosses a leg over the other and her tight skirt rides up an inch to reveal more bare skin. He’s seen women more scantily clad than her, but none seemed to evoke this reaction out of him. He decides the heat of the club is getting to his head, and coupled with his headache, it’s bound to be an explosive and dangerous combination.

Before long, they move towards the entrance of the club, the woman sandwiched between them with Russel leading the way, his bigger frame creating a path among the dancing bodies. She has her hand wrapped around 2D’s wrist so he won’t get lost from them and her other fingers are curled around the back of his friend’s shirt. 2D greets the cooler night air with a sigh and their new friend bends down to release the death grip her shoes have on her feet with a hiss. Her toes wiggle on the pavement and she stretches her legs until her ankles pop.

“Ya sure ya don’t want us to take ya home, Noodle?”

2D perks up at the name, and she smiles with a wave of her hand. “I’m sure, Russ. I live near Dulwich Park anyways. It’s too far from your home.”

“D’s from around that neighborhood, right, bro?” 2D nods slowly and Russel claps a hand on his shoulder. “Then ya make sure she gets home safely, all right? It was good to see ya again, Noodle. Is yo’ number the same one?”

“Yeah. Text me sometime so we can meet up again.”

The large man waves at them and heads off in the opposite direction. 2D offers Noodle his jacket and takes the heels from her hands. She smiles bashfully as she slips her arms through the sleeves and rolls them back to an appropriate length to her shorter limbs. The pounding, muffled music of the club fades in the background as they walk away through chilled streets in silence. Noodle whips out her phone and quickly types a message to someone before slipping it back into her cleavage, and 2D watches amazed as she types an entire paragraph in less than thirty seconds. He needs a minute to write a single sentence. The damned letters are too small.

Noodle whirls around to regard him, walking backwards with her hands resting laced together on the base of her spine. He returns her easy smile with a small one of his own, which stretches wider when she tilts her head. She looks insanely cute. “Do you mind if we stop for a quick bite? I haven’t eaten in hours.”

“O’ course. Just lead tha way.”

She grins and directs him to a twenty-four hour diner located a little ways out of their path to her neighborhood. The bell above the door jingles when she pushes it open and a teenage boy with braces smiles brilliantly from behind the counter, quickly walking around it with two laminated menus as they slip into a booth by the windows. The teen talks to her for a while and leaves so they can pick their orders, staring at her with longing splattered all over his face from his place by the kitchen doors. She’s a regular.

Noodle doesn’t seem to notice or mind that the boy is infatuated with her and points at a particular dish on the menu in his hands. “The waffles here are heavenly. Wanna share?”

2D reads the description and feels his mouth watering. “Yeh sure? I don’t wanna eat yer food, love.”

She laughs and it makes him want to laugh, too. “I don’t mind. I don’t like eating too much late at night, but I’m really craving waffles. If you don’t want to, then I’ll just get some toast.”

“No, no, then, by all means, get sum waffles.”

The teen returns immediately when she calls him over, a skip on his steps and a sparkle in his brown eyes. He jots down her order and nearly melts on the spot when she fixes him with her usual smile that even 2D has already grown to love. Noodle turns her attention back to him as soon as she’s done, chin resting on her joined hands.

2D passes the menu to the waiter unseeingly, all his focus on the beautiful woman sitting across from him. “So yeh know Russ?”

“Yes, we were classmates in a course back in college, though he’s older and was nearly graduating then.” She picks a napkin from a small basket in the center of the table and starts folding it. “I recognized him from a distance and knew I could count on him to hide from that guy.”

“’Bout tha’ guy... Did he have an awful crooked nose, thick brows, sum yellowed teeth?”

Noodle makes an odd face at him and bursts out laughing. “Oh, no, no. He had a sorry excuse of a goatee and was a douche.”

2D nods in relief. “Oh, fo’ a moment we thought he could’ve been our friend. Glad it wasn’t him.”

The boy sets a plate down before her and she cuts herself a piece before passing the plate and cutlery over to him. He tries to get a bit of everything on the fork and smothers a slice of waffle and banana in the red berry sauce drizzled on top. Not only does the dish smell good, the taste is also otherworldly. 2D hums as the waffle seems to melt on his tongue, his taste buds rejoicing at the sweetness of the sauce. Noodle grins and they share the rest of the food without speaking much.

She pays after insisting she was the one to invite him, and 2D finds himself on the other end of the boy’s glare. If the teen is scowling at him because she paid or because they shared a meal, he doesn’t know, and honestly he doesn’t care. He even goes as far as opening the door for her and directing a smug smile at the waiter to mess with him when she thanks him and tucks some hair behind her ears. Once outside again, he lets his smile drop and they resume their walk to her building, this time talking amicably.

For someone that has troubles to text people and tie his shoes, his fingers know how to cooperate when he wants to play a song on his faithful keyboard. Noodle steps closer to him when the wind picks up, stars in her eyes. “Does Russel still play the drums?” He nods, looking down at her for some clarification. “We should totally form a band!”

“What?”

“Yeah! You play the keyboards and he plays the drums. I don’t want to brag, but I can pull off some mad guitar riffs. All we need is a singer and a bassist.”

“Murdoc’s a bassist.” He blurts out, followed by a: “And I can sing.”

“No way!” Noodle steps in front of him and he stops. Her fingers curl around the hem of his graphic tee shirt and she stands on her tiptoes to get a closer look of his face. “I could see you have the looks of a rock star, but you sing as well? That’s cool!”

2D’s gaping mouth closes and curls upwards, heat crawling everywhere around his body. Noodle moves away with a flush on her cheeks and clears her throat, stuttering only slightly as she tries restart a conversation after she practically invaded his personal space. He takes notice that their arms brush together as they walk through silent streets. They talk about music, having found a common interest, and they share names of their favorite songs and artists.

When they reach her building, Noodle climbs the first step so she can be a little closer to his eye level. His gaze looks back into her own then swivel down to see her bottom lip disappear between her teeth. Noodle makes to take off the jacket, but he stops her with a hand on her wrist, his thumb right above her fluttering pulse. She sucks in a breath and he exhales through his nose.

“Yeh can return it to me later.”

She hesitates, but eventually nods. “Can – Can you lend me your phone?”

He doesn’t think much of the way her voice breaks and releases her so he can pull it out of his pocket. She shivers before he passes her the device, their fingers touching. Her face lights up when she unlocks the screen and she types quickly, a faint music reaching his ears accompanied by a dim light shining through the material of her dress on her chest. As soon as it starts, it stops and she returns the phone to him.

“Now you have my number, and I have yours, so if you’re interested in forming a band you can, you know, text me or call me or... Or something.”

2D looks down at the screen, at her name on the contact list followed by a single grinning cat emoji. His brain catches up with what she’s implying and he looks back up to meet her expectant, nervous dark eyes. Noodle is still nibbling on her lip and, God, does he want to kiss her right now, but he barely knows her and doesn’t want to scare her just in case he’s misreading her intentions, which happens more often than not, he has to admit.

He slips his phone back in his pocket and lifts her shoes in the space between them. 2D can be slow at times and isn’t always the brightest crayon in the box, but for some reason he has always known what to say to the ladies that catch his eyes. “I have a very important appointment tomorrow night an’ I’ll need tha jacket.”

Noodle’s hands halt halfway to her heels. “You do?”

He nods solemnly. “So how ‘bout we meet at Dulwich Park at seven in the evenin’ and then we can try to find this important appointment o’ mine?”

She blinks at him and smiles slowly, shoulder shaking with silent laughter. Noodle rests her hand on top of his before slipping her shoes out of his grasp, the tilt of her mouth a coy little thing he wants to wipe off with his own and commit to memory. “It’s a date.”

So it is. 2D watches as she walks backwards up the stairs, eyes never leaving his until she bumps into the door and gasps in surprise. He chuckles at her embarrassment and waits until she disappears inside the building, which takes a while as she stands there looking back at him with something in her gaze he can’t quite name. Once the door’s closed behind her, he walks the short distance to his own apartment building, swiping his finger to unlock the phone and staring at her name on his list.

2D shrugs his shoulder and taps the message icon, becoming pleasantly surprised when an ellipse with three blinking dots appear to indicate she’s already typing. He snorts to himself at her first message and brings the phone closer to his face, squinting his eyes to see the tiny keyboard better. He puts the device away, but soon it vibrates in his pocket again. None of them will be getting much sleep it seems.

[lpdwillwrite4coffee]

CHILDREN OF LILITH CHAPTER THREE

A quick knock sounded and Nikki trotted to the door.

Flinging it open, she sighed, exasperated. “I need help.”

Kaelin frowned, looking her over. “Why aren’t you dressed?”

“I need help,” Nikki repeated. “This is worse than the fashion crisis of ’09.”

“I highly doubt that,” Kaelin said, dropping her coat and purse on the couch and following Nikki to her bedroom. “At least now your eyebrows are back to their normal shape.”

“You miss one waxing appointment and never live it down,” Nikki muttered, shoving a section of clothes hanging in her closet to the side.

Kaelin sat on the edge of the bed, sweeping her wavy brown hair over her shoulder. “So what’s the emergency?”  

“What’s the quintessential stereotypical crisis every woman goes through at least once a week?”

“Whether or not to get their Master’s degree?”

“Not having anything to wear.” Nikki pulled out a gauzy floral top, holding it up for inspection. Kaelin wrinkled her nose at it.

“I thought you were gonna wear that cute black dress you wore to my company holiday party last year,” Kaelin said, crossing her legs at the knee, shiny black stilettos catching the light.

“Yeah and remember what happened? I slipped in a puddle of eggnog and ended up showing your entire accounting department my Brainy Smurf undies.”

Kaelin laughed. “Oh yeah, I forgot about that!”

“Well it was after your third Jaeger bomb,” Nikki said, picking out another top. “It’s a miracle you remember even being there.”

“You know what I wish I didn’t remember? Hooking up with Martin from Human Resources. Seriously, why didn’t you stop me?”

“I was too busy trying to fend off one of the drunk VPs, whose wife by the way, was none too pleased.” Nikki vetoed the new top and sighed. “Help,” she said, turning back to her friend.

“Okay, okay,” Kaelin hopped up and strode to stand next to her. “We’ve decided against anything short and in dress form… What about this?” She pointed at a light blue chiffon blouse.

“It’s see through,” Nikki said.

Kaelin blinked at her. “And…?”

“And I want guys to ask my name, not my price.”

Putting it back, her friend sighed. “Alright… What about this one? It’s cute.”

“I bought it when I’d gained ten pounds and it all went to my boobs. Now it’s just a sad reminder of what once was,” she said wistfully.

“Okay, I’m going in blind.” Kaelin covered her eyes and reached into the closet. Her fingers snagged on an emerald and silver scoop neck top with delicate embroidery at the hem.

Nikki’s eyes popped. “I forgot I had this,” she said, taking it from her.

“How could you forget something so gorgeous?”

“Temporary insanity,” she said, holding it up to herself. “I think it’ll still fit.”

“Then what are you waiting for Cinderella?”

Nikki started to take off her basic white tee shirt, but paused and glanced at Kaelin. “Um, could you maybe not look?”

She arched an eyebrow. “You do realize we’ve seen each other’s lady parts about a gazillion times right?”

“I know… I’m just having a low confidence day and don’t wanna think about you seeing my love handles.”

Suspicious, Kaelin obliged, covering her eyes again with her hand. “Better?”

Nikki smiled. “Much,” she said.

While it was true her self-esteem wasn’t at peak levels, it wasn’t the only reason Nikki had requested privacy. She didn’t want Kaelin to see the marks.

Dark inky bruises had popped up overnight, fanning across her abdomen and hips. There was no way she had run into anything hard enough to cause such severe injuries, not even on the worst day of work. Of course if Kaelin saw them she would immediately think she’d been hurt, no matter what Nikki told her. Hell, if she heard someone say Oh, those just showed up one day, and I don’t know how, she wouldn’t believe them either. It was easier to hide them until she saw her doctor again. He’d said the new migraine medication he put her on could have side effects, he just didn’t say she’d look like she’d gone several rounds with a world champion boxer.

When she was sure none of them were visible under the hem of her shirt, she announced she was finished.

“Oh my God you’re a super model,” Kaelin exclaimed.

“Trying to flatter me into buying you two chocolate martinis?”

“That depends. Is it working?”

She pursed her lips, feigning deep thought. “Maybe… I still haven’t heard anything about my ass though…”

“And your ass looks fantastic!” Kaelin said, excitedly gesturing. “All three Kardashian sisters are cursing God for not giving them your fabulous booty.”

“Alright, stop before you embarrass yourself.”

“Too late. Remember Martin?”

Nikki laughed. “Well lets go find you a man who will wash away all memories of HR Martin.”

“Ooh, can he have an accent?”

“I’ll see what I can do.” Nikki gathered her purse and keys as they headed for the door. She started to turn the knob when Kaelin pulled up short.

“Wait,” she said, tugging Nikki’s forearm.

“What is it?”

“We can’t go.”

Nikki frowned, skin pricking with worry. “What? Why?”

“Because…” Kaelin backed up, heading towards the bedroom again. She disappeared, leaving Nikki where she stood. A moment later she returned, jubilant. “We forgot these.” Dangling from her fingers was a very long strand of condoms.

“Oh my God, are you planning on banging an entire Navy fleet?” Nikki gaped.

“Like that’s even possible.” Kaelin rolled her eyes. “You know it’s not Fleet-week.”

“Oh forgive me. I mixed up my annual sex holidays.”

“Do I need to write them on your calendar? ‘Cause you know I will.”

“Could you please put the Trojans in your bag?” Nikki pushed the prophylactics back at her friend.

“You take them. You’re the one we’re trying to get laid here.”

“First of all, we are not trying to ‘get me laid’. And secondly, even if we were, I would need one, possibly two, condoms max. Not half the box.” She waved her hand at the condom rope she was sure she could double-dutch with.

Kaelin found the middle perforation and ripped it apart. “Fine, I’ll take half and you take half. Better?”

“Sure.” Nikki took them quickly and shoved them into her purse. “Now can we go?”

“Of course we can you naughty girl.” Kaelin winked.

Sighing, Nikki opened the door. “Remind me why we’re friends…”

“Because you need someone to borrow clothes from.”

“Oh, that’s right.”

They stopped outside the building long enough for Nikki to lock the front door, cold air whipping around her legs and tangling her hair. While Kaelin went to hail a cab, Nikki finished with the deadbolt and shoved her keys into her purse.

A new chill crept up her back, raising goosebumps in its wake. Nikki tried to tell herself it was the weather, but the undeniable churning dread in her gut made it hard to believe. She glanced around, searching for the source, but found nothing. The block was quiet, save for a few cars and the mini mart on the corner.

“Hey, you ready?” Kaelin called, opening up the taxi door.

Nikki nodded. “Yeah, I’m coming.”

Ignoring the clawing urge to run back inside, Nikki climbed into the car after her friend and forced herself to smile. Everything was fine…

* * *

Griffin slid down into his overstuffed leather chair and stared at the towering bookshelf across from him. He should pick something to read. Reading always helped even him out after a long day, but he couldn’t focus his vision for very long. Lisa was probably right, that last knock on the head might’ve given him more than just another bruise.

Concussed or not, Griffin wasn’t in a mood to do much of anything.

Exhaustion weighed him down with aching bones. But it was nothing compared to the brutal ravaging of the inside of his skull.

The dogs were awake, and starving.

God, shut up, he thought with a hiss. You’ve had enough. Just… let me rest.

His… gift howled.

“I said no,” he muttered, slumping against the cushions, left side screaming in protest. He groaned, wrapping an arm around his abdomen.

A fractured rib, or maybe two, if he guessed from where the pain radiated. At least he’d healed up alright from the previous breaks.

The barrier he’d struggled to keep up all day began to bow under the pressure, the dogs tearing and clawing at his head, trying to get free. Shutting his eyes, Griffin took a deep breath and pushed back, supporting the mental walls built around his gift. They wouldn’t hold much longer, but it was better than nothing.

Somewhere down the hall, a door slammed in a hurry, making Griffin jerk. With his grip loose, the dogs lunged and tore out of their cage, rushing for the nearest subconscious. Memories flowed into Griffin like dirty sand, scraping as it smothered his own thoughts. He recognized the emotional signature, and choked out a sigh of relief. It was Boz. He was in Boz’s head. Better a friend than a random stranger passing on the street below.

But the dogs were ravenous, and just like any hungry animal, they sought out the most nourishing prey. That meant the deepest, heaviest memories. Things people wished they could forget…

I bet you can’t reach that top branch, Boz had called out to his younger brother.

I can too! Just watch!

The pungent odor of wet soil and cut grass filled Griffin’s nose. He heard birds in the distance, sunlight hot on the side of his face. His hands clenched, palms aching from phantom tree bark rubbing them raw.

No Liam, wait!

I can do it Boz!

But-

I’m almost to the top!

Wood splintering and the scared yelp of a little boy had Griffin surging forward; reacting to the vision only he could see. Sobbing still rang in his ears as he yanked on the dogs’ leash, desperate to haul them back to their cage.

B-Boz! I th-think it’s broken!

Hold on Liam, I’ll get mom!

With the little strength Griffin had left, he pulled his gift out of Boz’s head, but it didn’t come without a fight. Feral creatures never did. By the time they were locked in his own mind again, he was out of breath, nails gouging the leather under his hands.

He was grabbing the whiskey bottle before giving his body permission. It was at his lips, his stomach churning with fire. Gasping, he broke his seal on the rim and coughed. The bottle had been mostly full… now there was less than a third left.

Griffin’s head dropped back against the leather. “Fuck,” he muttered, still gripping the neck.

He was getting faster at chugging. But that wasn’t exactly a skill to put on a resume.

Once his stomach settled, Griffin lifted the bottle deliberately, and tipped it up.

Finally, the dogs were quiet- lulled into submission by the liquor coursing through his system. The resounding peace in his head had Griffin entertaining the idea of sleep, if only for a few moments. With heavy eyelids, he stretched out his legs and tucked the bottle into the crook of his arm.

Ten minutes, he thought. Just ten minutes…

In the indigo shade between asleep and awake, the dogs jumped the fence. This time however, the whiskey had done its job. His gift was drunk too. It slunk around the hallway, sniffing at the baseboards, tripping along the floor, unsure of where to find another mind to burrow into.

A lazy smirk spread across Griffin’s face. He knew he should tug on the leash before—

“Hey Griffin, you ready to go?” Lisa called.

Too late.

The dogs lapped at the tendrils of emotion radiating from Lisa and chased after them, rolling around in her mind like a soft patch of dirt.

“Son of a bitch.” Griffin pulled himself up, pressing his arms into the tops of his thighs.

Floor boards creaked with each step as Lisa moved closer. A firm knock was followed by, “Griffin?”

Setting the bottle down by his chair, Griffin swallowed hard and shuffled to the doorway. Light poured in from the corridor, blinding him. He blinked, trying not to wince.

Lisa frowned up at him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he croaked. Well, didn’t he sound convincing.

“You look like you feel sick,” she said. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he lied.

The dogs had found a dense cluster of memories and were devouring everything, filtering it back to Griffin in garbled chunks. His head throbbed as he tried to focus on the present situation, and not Lisa’s memories.

“Okay…” Lisa eyed him suspiciously. “Well Boz is done, so are you ready to go?”

Griffin furrowed his brow. “Go where?”

“To Onyx, remember? Tasha said she’d take us all out for drinks as a thank you for today.”

Griffin tried wading through Lisa’s memories to get to his own, but it took too long and she grew annoyed at his apparent lack of recognition.

“You forgot, didn’t you?”

To be honest, he wasn’t sure if he had or not. It was too difficult to tell with her subconscious clouding over his.

“I guess so.” He half- shrugged as he pressed his arm into the edge of the door. Maybe the sensation would help keep him grounded…

It didn’t work.

The silvery tones of remembered voices drowned out Lisa’s as she spoke to him, completely oblivious to the internal battle he wasn’t winning.

No Boz, it’s not that…

“…Now that you’ve been reminded, you should get ready…”

This is different. He hasn’t been the same since…

“…Otto said he’s feeling better…”

He’s angry all the time. He just stays locked up in his room or the study and…

“…And Tasha did offer to buy our drinks for the night…”

Months, Boz! It’s been months. Before, when everything was fresh I could understand but now? He’s not even trying anymore. He promised he would and he isn’t, which…

“...Which is one hell of a thank you in my book…”

We can’t keep making excuses for him! It’s not doing him any favors!

“…So c’mon, get changed so we can go.”

Griffin could only stare. Two very conflicting sets of emotions washed through him- her current perplexed state of concern while clinging to her encouraging exterior, and the acidic contempt from her past conversation with Boz. About him. About Griffin’s constant stumbling failures, as a leader and a friend.

Lisa took a half step closer. “Griffin?”

He swallowed roughly. “I, uh… I don’t think I’m gonna be very good company tonight,” he said, trying to sound as casual as possible. “You guys should go without me.”

Disappointment slumped her shoulders and a gentle frown curved her lips. “But I thought you said you felt fine.”

“Yeah, I…”

No Boz, I can’t.

He cleared his throat. “I don’t really…”

I can’t keep pretending everything’s okay. Griffin’s spiraling. Don’t act like you don’t see it too.

Lisa folded her arms across her chest. “Griffin, what’s going on?”

The silvery tone of Boz’s voice replaced Lisa’s in the memory. What are you saying Lisa? That he’s a lost cause? He’s our friend-

I know that! And this is killing me but-

But what?

But he’s sinking! And if we don’t do something, we’re gonna drown right along with him!

“Well if you’re so sure I’m the fucking Titanic, then why don’t you jump ship already?” Griffin growled, face hardening into a deep scowl.

He realized his mistake immediately, but the damage was done. His heart stuttered as he watched Lisa’s expression twist with pained shock. Her mouth fell open and her eyes widened as she stared up at him.

“What…” She shook her head. “You read me.”

Shame and remorse made his stomach roll. “Lisa…”

“You promised you wouldn’t read me again.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”

Betrayal rushed from her mind to his, caustic inside his skull.

“You didn’t mean to?” Lisa repeated bitterly.

“I’m too exhausted to control it,” he admitted. “Please, Lisa, I’m so-”

Her gaze drifted to the dimly lit room behind him. “Too exhausted? Or too drunk?”

Griffin didn’t have to look over his shoulder to know she was staring at the liquor bottle on the floor.

Fuck.

“I-” He started.

“Don’t.” Lisa cut him off. “I think it’s pretty obvious you’ve decided what’s more important to you tonight. And to be perfectly honest, I’m too tired to care anymore.”

His chest tightened painfully. “Lisa…” he said, nearly pleading.

“You wanna know the truth?” she asked, facing him. “I was trying to convince myself you weren’t a sinking ship. Every day I tell myself you’re trying. That the last few years have been hard for you, and that you’re doing the best you can. And for a while, I think I believed it. I tricked myself into thinking that you care. But really you’re just trying to numb the pain until you can’t keep your head above water anymore.”

Griffin’s insides began to deaden, like frostbite. Hearing Lisa declare what he’d suspected all along released a strange pressure he’d been burdened with for what seemed like ages. Instead of relief, however, he felt isolated.

“Fine,” he said, voice scarily quiet. “Consider yourself absolved of all that disappointment and guilt you’ve been carrying around. Now you don’t have to keep pretending, because nobody will expect you to actually give a shit anymore. There’s your life raft. Enjoy your newfound freedom.”

Lisa’s anger flared and he felt its heat in his core, but she stayed silent. Her glare roamed over his face once more before she spun and strode down the hall. He listened to her jog down the stairs.

Griffin lingered in the doorway. Guilt soured his stomach, made his hands twitch, but his fury combined with Lisa’s was a hard force to overcome. Years ago he would have gone after her, explained himself, tried to repair the damage he’d caused. His feet stayed planted to the hardwood.

He listened to Boz and Lisa’s muffled voices, followed by the sound of the door closing behind them as they left.

And then there was one…

Inhaling deeply, Griffin corralled his gift and tossed it back into its cage, still loopy and sated from the two minds it read. Maybe he’d finally get some sleep.

Clicking the mental lock, Griffin scowled as he pulled the door shut.

“Stay,” he said, falling into his chair and closing his eyes.

* * *

Griffin woke with his teeth on edge and his hands balled into fists. The hair at his temples was damp, beads of sweat trailing down his neck. Bile rose in the back of his throat and he lurched forward, expecting to vomit but it never came.

He usually felt this kind of nausea after reading a Vampire, and he wondered if the dogs had slipped past the gate again.

Hunched over, with his head in his hands, Griffin forced air into his lungs. Deep, even breaths, in through his nose and out of his mouth just like every self-help article about panic attacks had told him. There were no books about being a Seer. Those would have been more helpful than the psychology magazines.

Griffin took another full breath and realized what was missing- pain. The bruises and cuts along his jaw had faded, and his ribs barely ached. His gift had done its second job; it stitched him back together.

His muscles burned with life, pulse beating out a serious rhythm in his ears. Griffin got to his feet, pacing the length of the study in front of the windows. Each footfall stomped in sync with his heart- thunk, thunk, thunk. There was a downbeat when he turned and then the tempo picked up again. A word started to overlay the sound of his boots, thumping louder and louder as he moved. Hunt, Hunt, Hunt…

He gripped a handful of hair and tugged at it until his scalp burned. No matter what kind of advantages he had in the field, Hunting alone was dangerous. If Boz and Lisa found out he’d gone patrolling without them they’d rip him a new one.

Hunt, Hunt, Hunt…

He glanced at bottle of whiskey next to his chair and thought about drinking away the urge- the need- building in his chest.

Hunt, Hunt, Hunt-

The dogs growled and Griffin’s resolve snapped.

“Fuck it,” he muttered and spun on his heel.

He’d deal with Boz and Lisa’s disappointment later.