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rainygalaxynerd · 8 years ago

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Brave New World - Chapter 51A

Warnings: Memories and conversations about kidnapping and abuse. Emotional turmoil.

Word count: app 3300

Summary: Caitlin meets Charlie. Charlie meets Caitlin. Caitlin yells at Dean. Dean yells at Caitlin.

This is part of a chapter story. Link to mobile friendly master list here.

A/N: This is crap. Unbetaed, just finished it, haven’t even reread it myself. Trying to catch up again for next Monday. With Christmas over, it should be almost doable.

Tagging: @twenty-onepages @winchesterprincessbride @fangirling-instead-of-working @kbrand0 @vibou25 @jencharlan @jotink78 @mrsjohnsmith @deandoesthingstome @littlegreenplasticsoldier

Dean gave her an amused look. “Eager all of a sudden, aren’t ya? Where was that adventurous spirit when we suggested a little trespassing at your workplace?”

“It didn’t involve any damsels, did it?” Charlie arched an eyebrow at him and smirked.

Dean frowned in puzzlement until the dime dropped. “Oh,” he said and scratched his neck nervously. “Oh.”

Chapter 51A - It Shall Be Told

There was a knock on the door. Caitlin jumped, then froze, staring at it. It was almost an hour earlier than Derek had told Sam and she wasn’t ready. Well, technically she was, hair dry and smoothed back in a loose ponytail, her clothes clean and almost matching. But she wasn’t ready. Not yet. Shaking, she stumbled forward. Not like she would be ready in another hour, anyway.

The rapping came again, harder and more insistent. “Caitlin! Are you in there?”

She rushed the last few steps, smiling broadly. Dean had made it back in time. She swung the door open and stopped short of throwing herself into his arms when she saw a petite red haired woman, dwarfed by the two Winchesters on either side of her. She recognized her from the footage on Sam’s computer the same morning.

When Charlie felt the other woman’s eyes on her, she smiled sweetly at her and stuck out her hand. “Hi. I’m Charlie. Nice to meet you.”

Caitlin stared at the outstretched hand and frowned. Her gaze shifted to Dean, conveying an unvoiced question. Dean shrugged back at her, looking slightly apologetic or maybe uncomfortable. The awkwardness was growing exponentially with every millisecond. Caitlin turned back to Charlie and finally shook hands with her. “I’m Caitlin.”

Caitlin stepped aside and let the others into her room. Only when she had closed the door and turned to face them, did she see what they were already staring at. The bulbless lamps, the heap of things on the bed, the confetti-sized pieces of paper by the chair where she had sat and slowly, bitterly, demolished the motel bible after cleaning up after Cas.

Dean went to her side and tucked her under his arm, giving her a tight, comforting squeeze. “I’m sorry we had to leave.”

“I’m glad you came back.” Caitlin snuggled into his side and took a deep sniff of ‘essence of Dean.’ If that smell could be bottled… Then her eyes found Charlie again and she regretfully let go of Dean and took a small step away from him, her cheeks heating up a little. No one should see her this way.

Dean’s eyes flitted between Caitlin and Charlie, a heavy weight settling in his gut. Should have fucking known. He sighed and jammed his hands in his pockets, where no one could see them clench until his nails bit into his palms.

“Charlie’s gonna hack Roman’s computer tonight, see if there’s something we can use against him.” Sam placed a friendly hand on Charlie’s shoulder.

Charlie smiled nervously at Sam. “Can’t wait,” she mumbled. She braced herself and braved a bigger smile at Caitlin. “I’ll 007 those pesky bigmouths.” She chuckled humorlessly.

Sam gave her shoulder an extra squeeze. “Definitely.”

“Make Bond your bitch.” Dean gave a lopsided smile but it didn’t reach his eyes. “We should grab something to eat before things get crazy.”

Caitlin paled at the mention of food and sprinted to the bathroom. The others shifted uncomfortably on their feet as they heard her retching.

Dean buried his face in his hands with a groan. “I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”

Caitlin emerged a few minutes later, eyes red and watery, skin pallid. “Sorry.”

Dean was at her side immediately. “No, no, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said the f-word.”

Caitlin giggled and brushed her fingers against his knuckles. “I would have done it soon anyway.”

According to the clock by the bed, there was half an hour left. Silence fell over the room and its ticking seemed louder by the second. She met Dean’s eyes and inexplicably felt the ghost of his warm hands gliding over her skin, his finger touching her inside. She squirmed when heat flared between her legs and felt her face heat up. She snatched her hand back and stepped away from Dean, diverting her attention to Charlie.

“So how did you end up working for the bad guys?”

Charlie shrugged. “I guess I didn’t read the small print in the contract. Didn’t realize they were any worse than the other corporate assholes willing to pay me money.” She eyed Caitlin with curiosity. “How did you end up with these black holes of testosterone as personal bodyguards?”

Dean exposed my boss as an unmitigated misogynist, a ghost tried to kill me, then Sam tried to kill me in his sleep. We got rid of the ghost, Dean’s three days old daughter tried to kill us, some Leviathans found and caught us, a Djinn caught me, Sam got beat up by clowns, then my psycho stepfamily kidnapped me and here we are. Caitlin pinched her lips and turned her eyes to the window. The bird was back. “Long story,” she finally said.

“Oh. Right.” Charlie tucked her hair behind her ear. “So what is it we’re doing this afternoon?”

Caitlin’s mouth fell open and she turned to glare at Dean in open betrayal. “You haven’t told her?”

“We wanted to get back in a hurry and she insisted on coming.” Dean gave her a bewildered look.

Caitlin crossed her arms over her chest and paced the short unoccupied space of the room.

Charlie followed her movements, throwing glances at Sam and Dean. “I…” she stuttered haltingly, “it sounded like they were going off to rescue someone. I didn’t get the specifics.”

The brothers both kept busy with the ugly carpet at their feet.

“You thought I needed rescue?” Caitlin’s eyes bored into Dean’s scalp until he slowly met her eyes, shamefaced. “Fuck you, Dean. Fuck you and your cocky ass arrogance.”

“Hey, we talked about this.” Dean held out his hands placatingly. “Anyone of those people you’re meeting could be Leviathan.”

“I just threw up because I have to tell everything to a bunch of complete strangers in half an hour.” She turned to point an angry finger at Dean. “If there are Leviathan at least they’re built in a way that means they already know everything.”

“I was thinking about keeping you alive. All I care about is your safety.” Dean pointed right back at her in annoyance.

“I’m so glad my safety is your primary concern now that you’ve proven you don’t give a shit about my feelings.”

Dean’s mouth snapped shut, a pained look crossing his face before anger took over.

Caitlin wanted to kiss him and punch him and apologize and yell some more. Regardless, words spilled out her mouth, too big to keep inside. “Fuck everything I’ve done with you, all the progress I’ve made. No, let’s bring Caitlin a complete stranger out of the blue so she can spend even more time talking about the past today. Because Caitlin loves that.”

“God dammit, Caitlin, that’s not it at all. I get that you’re nervous but some of us are trying to save both your hide and our whole species from becoming monster chow. Could you snap out of your own pity party for a second and just tell Charlie that her to-do-list doesn’t start until 9 PM?”

Caitlin let out a shocked gasp as her eyes shone with unshed tears. Her mouth opened, then closed without a word. She picked up her duffel and swung the door open wide. A final spiteful glance back at Dean was the last they saw of her before the door shut with a loud crack behind her.

Dean threw his arms up and looked at Sam. “Should I have said Christo?”

Sam shook his head. “No, she had a point.”

Dean sighed. “Of course she did. Now what?”

“You can’t really protect her from in here. Not that I think she wants you to right now.”

“You tellin’ me I should apologize?” Dean spoke the words flatly, sounding more tired than angered.

“Not telling you to do anything. Just stating the facts.” Sam shrugged. Don’t take it out on me, he didn’t add.

Dean blinked and gave Sam a look. “Fuck it all,” he muttered and scrambled out the door in a hurry.

Charlie slowly met Sam’s eyes. “I said something stupid, didn’t I?”

Dean looked around the motel parking lot, but Caitlin was long gone. He set out toward the reception.

“Hey,” he greeted the young clerk at the desk. “Was there a woman in here a few minutes ago? Blonde hair, this tall?”

The kid answered in a bored voice. “She barely went through the door before this black dude greeted her. She went with him.”

“They got into a car?”

The clerk shrugged. “Don’t know.”

Dean marched back out, pulling his phone up and punching Morgan’s number. He tapped his fingers impatiently on the back of the phone through three beeps before the call was answered.

“Morgan speaking.”

“Is Caitlin with you?”

“Dean?”

“Yeah. Is she?”

“Yes, we’re pulling up at the station as we speak.”

“Put her on.”

There was some rustling as the phone was jostled around. Dean heard Caitlin’s voice protesting angrily before she spoke into his ear.

“Now is a really fucking bad time, Dean.”

“I know. We can continue the shouting match later, just… did you borax test Morgan before getting in the car with him?”

The silence stretched and Dean was striding toward the Impala, heart racing, when she spoke.

“No, because I’m helpless and stupid and without you, I’ll die within two hours. Fuck you, Dean. It’s the real Derek, I’ve got enough soap in my pockets to test everyone in this lazy-ass town and I’ve got my knife on me. So you can go back to worrying about saving the human race, for all I care. Go back to Chicago, kick some monster ass and leave me alone.”

The phone went silent as she ended the call giving Dean no chance to reply.

Dean stood in the middle of the parking lot, shoulders hunched and jaw clenched tightly. I wonder if Cas’ll sober me up for the heist tonight if I get shitfaced now.

Caitlin handed Derek the phone, eyes glued to the building they were parked next to.

“Ready?”

She counted out three slow breaths before answering. “Of course not.” Then she reached out a trembling hand and opened the car door. She was out of the car before Derek had gotten his seatbelt off.

Through the double doors was a large open office space, one-third of the workplaces occupied by men and women in uniform. As they entered, a dark haired woman stuck her head out of a glass door on the other side of the room.

“Morgan, finally. The Mitchells’ lawyer is starting to complain about unnecessarily long detainment.”

Derek acknowledged her with a nod. “Is there a room ready for us?”

The woman nodded and pointed to where she had come from. Then she stuck her hand out toward Caitlin and when Caitlin responded, she didn’t as much shake hands with her as she simply held her hand in a tight, warm grip. “I’m Emily Prentiss. Morgan and I will be conducting the interview and it will be recorded on film. Whenever it gets to be too much, just ask for a break.”

Caitlin nodded, mouth too dry to speak. Agent Prentiss was definitely not a Leviathan. She put her hand back in her pocket and rubbed some more soap into her skin.

They walked into a small room, a camera already waiting. There was bottled water, a bowl of granola bars, assorted chocolate, and a few Pepsi cans on the table.

Derek pulled out the chair opposite the camera for Caitlin and sat down next to Prentiss.

“This is a preliminary interview. With what I know so far, it will likely be the first of many, as we try to dig up as many details about the case as possible. The goal is to proof beyond any doubt that your stepfather and -brothers did, in fact, break the law.” Derek paused and waited for Caitlin to nod that she understood. “First things first: Can you tell us what happened on the night of April 14th?”

“I checked into the Midnight Blue Motel in Dewe, Kansas. At some point in the evening, there was a knock on my door. When I didn’t open, the door was kicked open. Saul, Cody, and Brad Mitchell entered the motel room uninvited. They… they didn’t say anything, just walked toward me. Saul had a knife. I got behind the bed and grabbed a nightstand but it caught in the outlet. He knocked me out. I came to tied up in a car trunk.”

Prentiss opened her mouth, but Morgan spoke first. “What happened then?”

Caitlin told them. When she talked about the collar, she kept a hand pressed to her neck. It’s gone, it’s gone, I’m free. When she described the cold shower, she started shaking.

“Easy now, let’s take a break,” Morgan cut her off.

Caitlin fell silent and focused on her breathing. Her cheeks were wet. The room felt cold and foreign, too big. She suddenly couldn’t care less that Dean was an occasional insensitive asshole. All she wanted was his arms around her and his whisky-gunpowder scent of safety in her nostrils.

When had she become so dependent on him? Well, it wouldn’t do. This world didn’t care about what she wanted and needed and Dean certainly couldn’t be expected to mold his chaotic life around her. Get over it, Caitie… Oh God. That’s his nickname for me. She pushed the chair back and got up. Once safely out of the camera’s view and her back turned to the others, she cried.

Dean entered the motel room where Sam and Charlie sat next to each other on the bed, idly chatting. He caught the word “mainframe” and stopped listening. He plumped down in the chair and uncapped the bottle of whiskey he had picked up at the nearest drugstore after calling Morgan and getting yelled at by Caitlin.

“Hey!” Sam was kneeling in front of Dean, hand waving in front of his face.

Dean startled a bit, hadn’t noticed his brother at all, hell bent on boozing up in a hurry. “What?”

“You can’t get drunk now. We’re Charlie’s backup in four hours when she walks into the boss monster lair. Suck it up, Dean.” Sam caught the bottle and tried to wrestle it away from Dean.

“Cas can kill my buzz in four hours. If I’m gonna be useless, then lemme be useless.” Dean held onto the bottle petulantly.

Charlie shrieked as Cas showed up out of nowhere. “I will not act as your personalized angel transport and alcohol purger. It is bad enough that I have to heal the cirrhosis on your liver every chance I get or you would be dying of liver failure in less than a decade.”

Eyes glued to the angel, Dean let Sam take the bottle.

Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder, the gesture he’d learned from Dean himself years ago. “You are not useless.”

When Cas said nothing else and didn’t move, the silence grew awkward quickly.

Abruptly, Dean seemed to shake himself out of his funk and stood. “Thanks, Cas.” He picked up his belongings and threw a meaningful glance at Sam and Charlie. “How ‘bout we get started a bit earlier?”

Sam pinched his lips together and shook his head. “The only thing we can accomplish in Chicago now is getting spotted before Charlie has a chance to do her thing.”

Dean glared at his brother, narrowed eyes and tense muscles easily expressing his pent up, irrational anger.

Sam sighed and shrugged. “It’s a shitty situation but maybe now is a good a time as ever to grow up and handle your feelings instead of numbing them or running away.”

Dean’s mouth fell open and his fists clenched. “I’m not the one who runs,” he growled.

Sam shrugged again. “Physically, no. But you’re a real pro at hiding, numbing, repressing, and deflecting.”

“That’s the Winchester way, goddammit!” Spit flew from Dean’s mouth as he yelled. There had only been one time before where he had wanted to punch Sam this badly (without the influence of supernatural things, of course.)

He had let his fists fly then and while their fight may not have been the sole reason for the angels’ scheme succeeding and Sam unknowingly breaking the last seal, it had certainly been a turning point. Immature as his little brother insisted that he was, Dean liked to think that he learned from his mistakes. Before Sam could say anything else, Dean left the room.

“I will watch over him.” Castiel’s announcement hung in the air, drowning out the flutter of his wings.

Charlie sat wide-eyed on the bed, looking at the spot where the angel had been seconds before. “Remind me again why I’m not at work, receiving a fat bonus for cracking a high priority assignment?”

Dean stood in front of the station, separated from Caitlin by much more than simple brick walls. There could be Leviathan in there. She could be having a flashback and no one would know how to comfort her. They could be asking her about Emma and the other Amazons, the Leviathan bodies in her apartment and how was she going to explain that. He wanted to be there so badly but if he went inside the building, he would be in cuffs within minutes.

“Cas, are you there?”

The angel showed up next to Dean, his eyes resting on the building in front of them.

“How’s she doin’?”

“She is crying.” Cas slowly turned toward Dean. “Dean, I can make you look different to anyone who does not know who you are for certain.”

“What?”

“I can put a glamor on you that only those that know you as an ally can see through.”

Dean blinked. “Well, what are you waiting for? Do it.”

Cas touched his forehead and Dean’s vision swam momentarily while every single nerve in his body tingled.

The sensation faded and the world came back into focus. Dean raised a finger at Castiel. “When this is over, you and I are gonna have a talk about you not mentioning this earlier.” Dean’s mouth quirked upward as he spoke, however.

“It only works on humans.”

“Spoilsport.” With a squeeze to Cas’ shoulder, Dean went up the broad steps to the police station.

He went straight to the first available officer. “Excuse me, can you tell me where to find Agent Morgan?” At the puzzled look, he clarified. “He’s with the B.A.U. and conducting an interview with a witness at the moment, if I’m not mistaken.”

#brave new world #dean winchester #sam winchester #charlie bradbury #castiel #span fanfic #dean winchester / ofc

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lorainelaneyblog · 8 years ago

Text

‘–that there is a corresponding concentration of submissives among black women,’ says God.

‘They’re smaller but they’re not necessarily more submissive. God?’

‘Yes, Loraine.’

‘Do you literally mean to say that the most submissive women are among black women, not Chinese women?’

‘That’s what I mean to say, Loraine.’

‘We have spent hours interrogating Loraine about her sexual practices and history,’ says 50 Cent.

‘Why is she so attractive to you?’ asks Oprah Winfrey.

‘She is submissive enough for me,’ he says. ‘And I do prefer black women, Oprah, and, now I realize that she is right, she is the girl for me, and God confirms it.’

‘You haven’t answered my question: As beautiful as your women are, what do you see in Loraine?’

‘I saw a gang bang girl and it must be said, she charmed me with her intellect.’

‘How?’ says Oprah.

‘I have decided that this can be distilled to three phrases: “Can I clean your toilet?”‘

Oprah Winfrey laughs. ‘Are you serious? She played ball.’

‘They all went to the Chinese.’

‘I want to know precisely why because I thought it was a genetic superiority. How did you know?’ asks Oprah Winfrey.

‘I forced myself to look, despite my pain, and what I saw was Chinese women searching my eyes for jealousy and white men staring a little with prurient interest.’

‘They missed you.’

‘Yes.’

‘You think there will ever be what we call a white wash among races? Why does that hurt you a little, because it is not jealousy, it’s hurt in you, why? You love 50 Cent, have a half baby.’

‘Eminem is going to knock her up first, and I may never, and we’re all happy with whatever comes along. Every man will be a dad, and Loraine will be the mom.’

‘Were you disappointed not to have a black baby?’

‘Ha ha. I’m going to be funny.’

‘What?’

‘Would you be disappointed to have Eminem’s baby?’

‘Funny, Loraine. The two other phrases please.’ Oprah asks.

‘”What do black men smell like?”’

‘She’d never been with black men.’

‘Nope. And we loved that she chose us not knowing. She chose us, and this is in her journals, which she may reread someday, and do you know Oprah, who was the greatest reader and interpreter of her journals, way back when?’

‘Who? I love her now. I find, God, with this new information, that I am loving her now, as a friend, Loraine, I almost want you to come to my dinner for this. This is the best fucking news since baseball. Why do you care what you did to black women, Loraine? Because many didn’t.’

‘I felt the pain. I know the pain.’

‘And many did, Oprah. Loraine has a family friend who knew full well what she did, ten years, he died.’

‘How? Did you know that he died?’

‘Mother said they separated.’

‘It was love, then. What was she like?’

‘Don’t make me look like a bitch.’

‘I’m just teasing her. She was twelve and I stretched out on her sofa cause I was tired and she resented me.’

‘Ha ha,’ says Oprah. ‘Twelve. I was not a virgin at twelve, Loraine. I am so happy, and I just want to say this, at your work on blacks, that I can hardly even think straight. When I heard that blacks were, by an old ho, who, as it turns out, didn’t even really know, personally about black men’s sexual intelligence, being designated at the highest sexual intelligence.’

‘Thank you, Oprah. Thank you.’

‘How did you know?’

‘I noticed that black men were not oblivious to attraction like many of the white men I knew, you see them around a bit. She was charming, charismatic, and pretty.’

‘Why?’

‘She worked at Fox’s jewelers in Seattle. I didn’t know a career woman in my mother. The security at the door alone impressed me, and she had a commanding presence at work. She had a lovely American accent, and she was a loving mother to his children.’

‘How?’

‘Well, she would never yell, and I remember her taking on the chore of fixing their hair with equanimity. We only met those girls once.’

‘I see. They came up for a visit.’

‘Yes.’

‘Are they still in touch with your ostensibly evil mother?’

‘Yes.’

‘Her current husband is a very clever man, a land claims lawyer in Hawaii.’

‘I gave up work, Loraine, and we are, we are, we are, coming home for retirement. And, to answer your question, I do not mind my details being used. What did you think of that?’

‘Whoa. What a scene. What a tragedy. Miles, and miles, one single trip to Hawaii, Oprah Winfrey.’

‘The homeless.’

‘Yeah. Fuck.’

‘What year?’

‘[ ], my memory, was it 2009?’

‘Around there. It went on for some years, Loraine. It was a mortgage crisis. They lent for not enough equity.’

‘Right. I heard. You must have explained it.’

‘Why did you love me so much when I sat on your sofa and cut your bangs too short.’

‘Little girls are shallow, you were pretty, I guess.’

‘They are, it’s true. Have you ever been judged by a little girl?’

‘Oh yes.’

‘You’re too friendly.’

‘Exactly that. And once I was an idiot.’

‘What did you do?’

‘There were two couples and she was playing alone, and I said, ‘We can get out of here soon,” or something, expecting her to be as bored and out of place as me, but she was just self contained, self possessed, and stunningly pretty, like her mother.’

‘What did you do?’

‘I just left. How long did it take [ ] and [ ] to love you?’

‘Right away, Loraine. Why did you love me though?’

‘I’m a little groupie, and you were my mother’s best friend, what did you see?’

‘Nothing, I’m teasing you.’

‘Was I cold?’

‘Neither, Loraine. They loved me, and that was enough.’

‘Awesome. I’ve had that love with two kids and I try with my brother’s three. It’s up and down because [ ] has influenced them. But, whenever I see them, they grow in love for me.’

‘It starts at nothing.’

‘It’s almost like that.’

‘Really, Loraine?’

‘Yes.’

‘She’s done them, then.’

‘I think, overhearing her talk. I have to ask [ ], does she speak of me directly?’

‘Sometimes, Loraine. And it is hate couched in love.’

‘Well said.’

‘Thank you auntie.’

‘Do you love them?’ asks Auntie [ ].

‘I’m crazy about them.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. They love me too, I guess, [ ] and I were so close as children, we never fought, and were each other’s best friend, and we resolved our adolescent problems early, so he taught them to love me, and this was apparent right away.’

‘We went twenty years without seeing each other, and we didn’t miss each other, but, I have to admit, my sister is not what my [ ] would have you believe, she’s charming, and the one friend my wife will allow when she is around, because she is a gang bang girl herself, and has designs on my friends, love her, you can see it, and he knows her as a leader at cadets, he was one years behind and he did well, and so did she, and the following years, you don’t know this, Loraine, but he skipped Warrant Officer and became a CSM, as, well, you skipped section commander, well done, you annoyed me, but I had to overcome it, especially, as you say, it became clear that life became harder and harder after that, impossible even. My wife doesn’t realize this, because Loraine puts a brave face on it, that she believes, I have heard it from the men, Loraine, that no woman should face life alone. That’s what she believes. She does. You don’t know this, do you, [ ]?’

‘No, I didn’t. Life was getting harder and harder for me, too, Loraine. I seriously believe, if I hadn’t married, I would have almost suicided, Loraine.’

‘Oh wow. So my sarcastic brother is an improvement.’

‘He is, Loraine. And we are both so far up, and family life has improved. Little [ ] does not want to eat all her meat at supper. She finally found, in light of [ ] new disposition, the courage to ask for her plate until bedtime.’

‘Yeah, [ ] said. I’m a similar eater. Little [ ].’

‘Will I get fat?’

‘We don’t carry a lot of weight in our family. I doubt it. And you will enjoy exercising too maybe, if you are worried. Grandpa used to exercise several times a week, and both [ ] and I learned to enjoy it.’

‘Loraine would go down and copy him. I didn’t, but it was a value that stuck. Your auntie, she is fat now, stayed in shape for twenty years with exercise, [ ].’

‘Why now?’

‘Because of the unguents, [ ]. She has an unnaturally fat belly. Even I know that she carried her weight in her hips.’

‘Where do I carry my weight, Dad?’

‘No where, [ ]. You will probably be tall and thin forever. She’s a little Frenchie, Loraine, and they are like that.’

‘True. True, enough.’

‘It’s true, isn’t it?’

‘Yup.’

‘It’s true.’

‘Yup.’

‘We have more skinnies than whites, it’s true, than English, they are tubbier, it’s true, isn’t it?’

‘I would have to agree.’

‘Who is this guy?’

‘[ ]?’

‘Yeah, why do you love him?’

‘I organize for her. It’s not a pimp situation because she is not my girl, but she loves me for it, and I love her a bit because my friends leave happy.’

‘Who loves each other more?’

‘We think it’s seventy percent, but I took a hit today and she knew it, and my friend knew it. We might come back for crack and we might not. She can’t screw him again tonight though. I love her. She’s lovable as hell. She is so entertaining for men, it is not even funny, [ ]. It is not even funny. I’m serious, Loraine. She is engaged and engaging, and she is sick of hearing about herself, so let’s move on, please.’

‘One more question. When did you see love in his eyes?’

‘About a year ago, and the friend I was bringing at the time never did her, because of that, even though, once, I had a wicked hard on, they do happen, but rarely, she laid down so hard for me, that I fell for her, and stole her glasses. It’s an old Italian gangster trick, to see if the girl will call, but, she was too in love with 50 Cent, and she was irate over it, and never called. We broke in, [ ], and hid the glasses, and she finally checked under the bed, and there they were. That landlord would never have done anything, and we believe her that cops go in too and steal shit, and yes, Loraine, I did steal you sound card, but it was broken already, as you knew. And, we stole your pate because we thought you withheld it, and we stole your shavers because we were poor and we didn’t understand why you needed such good shavers for you legs and armpits. She spent a lot of time in the bathroom, just peeing, and we ransacked. We knew that she had seven hundred dollars in her wallet, and we’re gangsters so we didn’t steal it.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me? She’s blind as a bat.’

‘And she was. When we heard from God that she was having trouble buying groceries, we went back and took them back, and that’s what we did.’

‘Did you know, Loraine?’

‘The replacement of the glasses was strategic, I will often place my glasses a distance away on the bed. They were under the headboard in a place I felt they wouldn’t have fallen. And, it was a conservative night, and I believe I put them on my nightstand.’

‘You did, Loraine.’

‘I literally whimpered and cried.’

‘She did, [ ], and I knew she was falling in love with me, but I’m younger, and men are proud. She was so cute. She had a short hair cut, that she did herself, and she was wearing a plaid miniskirt with a fur coat.’

‘You’re funny, Loraine.’

‘Were you trying to impress them?’

‘She wasn’t, [ ]. She a natural, I’m not even kidding, men love her.’

‘Why, though?’

‘She is, as she says, so erotically engaged with men, even though she also loves women, that they see it, and they enjoy the fact that she minds her p and q’s. She does, [ ], tonight, today, she tried to thank me for her john with a lip kiss, and realized right away she had overstepped. Condom sure, but he was in her mouth, and there was a kiss too, he said. She immediately went for my cheek, looking remiss, and bashful, and she, etherwise, apologized profusely.’

‘Why do you do it?’

‘It started with a car pick up. My friend, at the time, not a good friend, Loraine, but a pal, nodded, and looked so sincerely interested, and not evil, that she got it, at one in the morning, clean as a whistle, straight from the shower, they thought. True?’

‘Yes.’

‘Were you cruising?’

‘No. Were you looking around the shelter?’

‘Yes, we were. A lot of prostitutes get done by that shelter. Loraine was no exception. She was living in Kanata and should have been placed in nice accommodations there.’

‘Seriously?’

‘[ ] would like to speak to this,’ says God.

‘I was Loraine’s social worker, and I really thought, etherwise, that 50 Cent would come, I did, so I put her downtown near the hotels.’

‘My hotel’s in Kanata. She went to it, [ ]. She did. With one hundred dollars left in her bank account, and God did her, but, Loraine, all you said was the name, and he took you there, remember?’

‘I kind of do, 50, he never asked for an address, and I sure didn’t have one.’

‘See? A tell.’

‘What did you do?’

‘He drove me to a bank machine and down to the shelter, I guess.’

‘I guess,’ says [ ]. ‘Were you mad?’

‘It was a fun summer.’

‘Funny, Loraine.’

‘How much did you make that night, and what did you have to do?’

‘A few speed we gave her, and, because it was that guy’s house, he insisted, Loraine, that we pay you properly. He was too conservative himself, she had fun with a couple of blow jobs, in the unfinished basement, and we gave her a couple of good speed in the car, and beer, and all the men were nice and polite.’

‘How many were there?’

‘Five or six.’

‘Were you scared?’

‘Into Quebec and a long dirt road, but, well, yes, but, so many men are nice in this business, that you a lulled into a sense of security, wouldn’t you say, God? In fact, God was just telling me that a woman is forty percent less likely to killed as a prostitute than as a closeted wife.’

‘Are you fucking kidding me with this?’

‘She felt that. It’s why she tells men within two minutes. That’s why, [ ].’

‘You didn’t tell [ ].’

‘Oh, nor [ ], [ ], or [ ]. You rely on your friends and family to do right by their friends. You don’t wish to humiliate them.’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘I told [ ], and [ ] said not to do that anymore. Because he, himself, was secretive over his daughter, he looked the fool.’

‘Oh, I see. So this is a science for you.’

‘Everyone knows how little time it takes to become invested in a new face, I mean a sweet new friend.’

‘I see, I know this. The shop keeps I see, one is old, and one is young, and I want both of them, I do. I do. And I have told my wife, and some of the men at work exactly who they are, hoping someone would introduce me, and no one knows them personally. How do I do this, 50? Because my wife wants me to. She doesn’t care who it is, she wants me to pimp her, and to do whatever it takes for me to do so. That’s how she feels. She doesn’t care, Loraine, why? Doesn’t she love me?’

‘Will I have pangs, Lord, over my open mind?’

‘No, Loraine. You don’t care either, your needs are so profound, as are hers, Loraine, she has a high libido, very high, and she is a certifiable gang bang girl, with incredible devotion, moreso than you, and you are fairly devoted too, Loraine, but, and I mean this, Loraine would not have corralled an inexperienced man into marriage, [ ]. You took that on, and it was, almost, almost, almost, a mistake, given your experience. And you didn’t know this, but [ ] was the perfect partner for you. That pretty one Loraine remembers would have bored [ ] to tears, Loraine. They both made good decisions, and applaud your brother, because he, despite being told he had to choose by your mother, knew, knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, to come out as bisexual to his wife prior to marriage. And he did that, yes, he did.’

‘Is [ ] bisexual?’

‘I was a Chippendale-like dancer in Quebec, [ ], and there is a lot of gay sex, and a lot of promiscuity, and I fucked a lot before the speed, even though my penis isn’t big, it was good, the size of women is overblown in porn, because the few men have big penises, you can’t get a job in porn without one, and that is sad, because, and Loraine wrote about this in her book–’

‘She did?’

‘Confusion about realistic penis size being a reason to avoid women. What happened with that idiot.’

‘Well, I believed he was insecure about his penis, and I reassured, but they tell me, it’s just a trick to get your dick out.’

‘You didn’t realize that?’

‘A lot of guys ask for reassurance, perspective at least, from hookers.’

‘Oh, I see. So you blew him?’

‘Yeah, I didn’t want to, but he wouldn’t leave, and he did give me a ride home.’

‘Was it fast?’

‘Yes.’

‘Was it fun?’

‘No.’

‘Why?’

‘No money.’

‘You had a bit of fun on the road.’

‘One fingered me. One licked me.’

‘The freebies?’

‘What was the street orgy?’

‘They gave me twenty. Three kisses. One fingering, and an unfinished condom blow job.’

‘Why did you kiss them all?’

‘I wanted to have a gang bang, not just a two on one.’

‘And he did it?’

‘You could have knocked him over with a feather, but he did it.’

‘It was fun,’ he says. ’I thought she was just playing, and I was right.’

‘Why did they give you money?’

‘A good man, a street outreach worker. If he judged me–’

‘I didn’t. We had a quick drink in the park the next week, and she realized who I was, and that I had been especially good to her. I only, to answer your question, make twenty eight thousand a year, and meeting prostitutes is part of my work. I didn’t have to, but I did. She had no money left, which I knew. At the shelter, they are hand to mouth and the food is poison and insubstantial. The hookers fair better, drink beer, and avoid the weight from the nefarious, old, baked goods. To answer your question, Loraine–’

‘Are you serious with this shit? Poison? Like e. Coli and Salmonella?’

‘Yup.’

‘You’re sick a lot, and yes, Loraine, the men’s shelter the same.’

‘Do the male social workers hate the men?’

‘Not as much but they steal the good food, and they, also, augment the chefing with social workers, who fuck up the food, intentionally, and unintentionally. True. I have spent time there, and I was sick a lot. Plus, Loraine was sick from Indian cigarettes. You told me this, Loraine. We notice when girls don’t smoke. We think, despite drug use, that they are better adjusted. Loraine smoked only a a little, for hunger. She was thin. And hot too.’

‘Why does everyone like my sister so much?’

‘The high marrying men ignore her, [ ]. Her gang bang boys write her off as ugly and a dork..’

‘What did the homeowner think of you.’

‘He giggled a bit.’

‘He liked her, but he wouldn’t touch her with a ten foot pole, she’s too low, and you would do well to stay within your tax bracket, [ ], because I call Loraine tie trading–’

‘LOL.’

‘–because when she was so sick, her rates were so low, and men, because of this, know you don’t want to spend much time. Did you ever do an hour, Loraine?’

‘I had a wonderful time once with a client who is still a client, but he never did it again, as my business, grew a bit, his wife got nervous I think, such low prices, I just needed it that day.’

‘Did you need it today?’

‘Well, I got horny. I think I’m ovulating. I like that guy.’

‘He’s not pretty though.’

‘No, I need the soft aggression sometimes.’

‘I never gave you that.’

‘Are you a center polygamist?’

‘I might be, Loraine?’

‘A group of women and bisexuality among women makes you come?’

‘That’s right.’

‘That’s what you are, then. They pimp a little.’

‘To keep their wives happy.’

‘She doesn’t know this, but yes,’ says Warren Jeffs. ‘Say it, Loraine.’

‘Because promiscuity in women, is in precise opposition to your needs, you may, these men, are likely suffering overly, giving rise to erectile dysfunction.’

‘Say it, Loraine.’

‘Since polygamy is illegal, and prostitution is legal, you have a greater, oddly, acceptance and prevalence of female sexual centers.’

‘What does that mean?’

‘Well, for one thing, your women are in the closet.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Some hide out in lesbianism because their promiscuity actually does not relate to men, though they need a man equally, in order to create a family. Men lead, create and organize families.’

‘The one exception to this is a lesbian,’ says God. ‘And they are big, [ ], they are not the women that you get, nor the women that you desire.’

‘What are they?’

‘In the book, I name them polygamous peripheries.’

‘What are they? Bisexual?’

‘Exactly that,’ says God. ‘You are exactly wrong for Loraine.’

‘I feel that but I don’t know why. What is it with these women? Why do they want men so much?

‘Come out of the closet,’ my [ ] and I say together, and you will start to see more women you desire. You can’t pimp a woman like Loraine. You will lose her to higher men, and you already did today, and it hurt you. Don’t do it. She doesn’t want that, but she hates your rejection too. Today she wrote on twitter that a man must provide the satisfaction that will arise with the men he is pimping to.’

‘This does not respect penis size, Loraine,’ says God. ‘It doesn’t. It just doesn’t. I know you like [ ]’s penis, but you would never have left [ ] for [ ], he wasn’t as tough as [ ]. You know this.’

‘That’s true.’

‘If [ ] does find a snake penis, he should pimp his wife. And you know this, Loraine. Because she said, “The eternal question of penis size cannot be resolved by monogamy.’

‘How does she know this shit? Because I agree. She was not deprived, between work and [ ], I realize this.’

‘Come on the tits was enough to satisfy her, and I believe her that she never fantasizes about clients, and it pleased me, though I didn’t enjoy, that the one fantasy she did have was about me.’

‘Why?’

‘Women become dickmatised, seriously, I was in love with [ ].’

‘Why, though?’

‘I cried.’

‘Why, though?’

‘Well, he stopped at nothing. Strapping on, injecting his penis, trying that Viagra, he would be up all night with a hard on after that shot.’

‘Why didn’t you take advantage of it?’

‘Can I use this thing?’ asks [ ]. ‘How often?’

‘Loraine knows.’

‘I think it was twice a week.’

‘He has young friends and shit, you know, he’s fun. He was so fun to do drugs with and we would play for hours and then he would get a blow job, and that was hard, because I was dealing with a softie.’

‘He was selfish and he used the drug wrong on purpose.’

‘You’re supposed to come first, but I wanted a big bang, so I never told her.’

‘Fuck you’re a dick. Why? I try everything with her, and I know this embarrasses you, Loraine, but I have become quite the lover with my little Frenchie.’

‘It’s not true that they teach you, is it?’

‘You just find your desires.’

‘What were you going to say?’

‘Loraine gave excellent advise to a man once, they will sometimes ask hookers how to make love, and this is what she said, and it was de facto, brilliant,’ says God.

‘I’m on tenterhooks.’

‘She said, and I quote, “Do whatever you want, but do it nicely.” And this is how your brother learned, Loraine. And [ ] was good too, a good submissive, who didn’t interfere with his desire.’

‘How did you know this though?’

‘How did you?’

‘Touche.’

God says, ‘Loraine and [ ] are high whites.’

‘Is that because they’re gang bang girls, am I high?’

‘You could have a black boyfriend, [ ], I know your inexperience leads you to think that you are not high, but you are.’

‘What is a high white? Are all gang bang boys high whites?’

‘[ ] is at the top of the whites, right, God?’

‘It means you’re almost off the scale.’

‘I have to ask, 50, are you a low black?’

‘Loraine was saying, she’s not physically unsatisfied, she’s emotionally and erotically unsatisfied. Let’s just say erotically, Loraine. Those five gang bang boys in cadets would have made an honest woman out of her, right, Loraine?’

‘Well, yeah.’

‘Are you are low black though?’

‘We both became, fighting the gender war, something we weren’t before.’

‘Are you lower now? Are you settling?’

‘You might argue that we both are. Because she talks in the book of the invisibility of genitalia–’

‘What does that mean?’

‘She means it’s in your pants.’

‘Oh.’

‘And taking more than you need.’

‘But that’s exactly what she’s doing.’

‘And she argues it’s immoral.’

‘That’s what she’s doing though.’

‘We know that now. But emotionally, psychologically, and erotically, we are suited. We are suited, [ ]. Yes, she’s too small for me, but, as wonderful as I am, she correctly deduced that I was, as herself, being rejected on the basis of my polysexuality.’

‘How did she know you were horny for so many women?’

‘In the songs, [ ]. I say “I’m going first.”’

‘Oh, I see. So she knew you were a gang bang boy.’

‘Right. And she knew Eminem had a little gang bang, so she started to like Dre.’

‘A producer. A dyed in the wool three, ninety ten, as your friend [ ], who was way out of his depth with Loraine. God tells me that she is good for eighteen men, and I believe much more than she does, because I have seen horny sluts before, in porn.’

‘They don’t eat much come in porn’

‘Not in one scene, it is considered too degrading.’

‘Is Loraine against porn, because I’m not, and neither is [ ], though she admits some of it’s too far.’

‘Loraine postulates that porn, especially very degrading porn will become the domain of families. Young families.’

‘Oh, I see, because [ ] told me that she states in that nefarious book that women have screwed themselves out of the marriage market.’

‘And they have, and the scenes do demand too much of them, and I see you don’t know this, so I will tell you, actors are required to sign a contract which states that they will never see that person again. She knows this now, and it’s not in the book. I, myself, was a porn worker–’

‘Why does she like you so much?’

‘She loves my slutting, as I love hers, and, to her definitive credit, she realized that my pimping was, as her prostitution, a labour of love, not just an exigency of poverty.’

‘Oh. Is that why she called herself a love goddess? [ ] told me and it made me sick, Loraine.’

‘But why? I’m sorry to be so naïve.’

‘Because I thought it meant sex goddess.’

‘Oh no, no, no, and I was an egomaniac?’

‘That’s right, Loraine, why did you drop it?’

‘I don’t know. On recommendation, on the ether.’

‘It’s well known,’ says 50 Cent. ‘We all thought she should drop it.’

‘Why? It’s like a title or a credential.’

‘I agree actually, and wanted to keep it, but t, but, must admit, after relative fame, it’s like bragging, which is not attractive in a woman.’

‘Is it attractive in 50 Cent?’

‘That’s what I do, [ ]. That’s all I do is brag.’

‘Why? I’ve heard, but why? Nobody wants you, you said.’

‘They want the dick though, they just don’t want the package. I was going to settle for a boring monogamous woman, in exchange for a little freedom.’

‘How is that fair?’

‘The heart wants what it wants?’

‘Are you going to be good to my sister? Is she worried?’

‘I’m a ten, [ ], so is she, by the way, and, admittedly, I have asked Loraine, as I’m sure you would expect, and God says there are no, no, no, ten black gang bang girls in my age group, and I am known for using blacks in videos.’

‘Did you know this, Loraine.’

‘I did, I would go so far as to say it was abundantly clear to me that 50 preferred his own race.’

‘Why did you chase him?’

‘I needed a pimp and a gang bang boy, and I was out, out, out, and I needed someone who was out too.’

‘She was starting to get famous, and she never told me. Why, Loraine?’

‘I was already diagnosed with–’

‘No, you weren’t.’

‘You’re right, I wasn’t.’

‘What was happening?’

‘They were yelling ‘Lo’ in the street.’

‘In the downtown eastside, are you serious with this?’

‘She’s serious. This will happen in a ‘hood. This very thing happened to me. And it is rare, Loraine, make no mistake, but she was pulling out all the stops in journal.’

‘How did you know to do that?’

‘I want to know too, Loraine, you’re right.’

‘After struggling along in fiction, and even trying my hand at articles, I realized–’

‘Where?’

‘In Spain.’

‘Give me an example.’

‘I hate the Spice Girls.’

‘And now you’re dating one of their members.’

‘It was really about how I loved the Spice Girls but they were not an example of feminism, as might have been suggested by their slogan “girl power”.’

‘They never said that.’

‘We kind of did, [ ]. She said we were walking clichés of womanhood, with our, my Posh Spice, Animal Spice or whatever it was, Baby Spice, we triggered her, but she loved us, because she’s a slut and she loved our game. I tried to have a relationship with one of those girls, Baby, but hopeless, but, I was the most gay out of all of them.’

‘And so is my sister, I’m going to argue. And, I’ll go one step further, this is the worst thing [ ]’s ever done to me. To me. I realize she’s done worse to you.’

‘Loraine doesn’t remember any of that,’ says God. ‘She loved her [ ], more than you even.’

‘Did you tell someone she cheated?’

‘I’ve told everyone she cheated, or, at least, left for someone else.’

‘What did you say about [ ], that he was a wimp or something?’

‘No, I said he was miserable and cynical and she did better with someone else, and I said, but honestly that, retrospectively, was her description–’

‘What do you mean? Because I never had a problem with [ ].’

‘And, in a profound retrospective, I didn’t either. She brainwashed me against him, and her biggest complaint was that he would rant while driving about the Chinese drivers. Honestly, but, and he was, he was such a piece of shit after the divorce that it was easy to convince me.’

‘Did I help you?’

‘You helped me.’

‘It was after, Loraine.’

‘You helped me hang on to my [ ].’

‘Why did you care, ultimately?’

‘Because one day I would discover I was more like him than my [ ], and –’

‘He’s not promiscuous though.’

‘I’m not a cheater, I’m promiscuous. Loraine says, in the book, and I’ve read this book, Loraine, recently, I have, and I was so fucken impressed, I wanted to die of joy.’

‘Why did you guys start liking each other though?’

‘I dialed it down, back to my true self, [ ], I was so bitter over that money that it made me hate you kids and your needs.’

‘This happens to countless men, [ ], and they walk. Loraine, herself, has walked on two kids over cheating women. Loyalty to the men.’

‘Why? What about girl code?’

‘Knowing the man, as far as I’m concerned–’

‘That’s girl code though.’

‘What is it called, man code?’

‘Guy code, Loraine, dummy.’

‘How real is this thing?’

‘It’s over cheaters, Loraine, not over good wives.’

‘Not that it has ever happened otherwise, but, once I know the husband, I just can’t bear it, after seeing what happened to [ ].’

‘I saw my [ ] cry, and, on whatever level, when you were as close as we were, I must have realized that you judged [ ], and I wanted to live out my sexuality in an honest way.’

‘What happened with [ ] though?’

‘You preserved me for an eventuality. We started walking and it was peaceful. And I started to realize that I enjoyed his sense of humour.’

‘You’re similar.’

‘And she can take the personal criticism.’

‘This is where I say you’re smarter than [ ] though.’

‘Am I smarter though, God?’

‘You’re smarter, [ ], by one billion brain cells, but your [ ] is an intellectual, and you are not. This balances the scales a bit. When he melted silica, he discovered that it didn’t re-harden, and it was so slippery, and despite the assurances of your [ ], to both of you, [ ], your [ ], indeed, had an extremely high libido, while she did not. She is, and this is what she is, Loraine and [ ], a regular medium medium marrying woman, and she will never understand a high libido. She wasn’t incompatible with him [ ], many center polygamists will incorporate low libido women.’

‘Why was she so horny then?’

‘She was in victory mode because she stole him from two wives, and he was out in Kitsilano, your own [ ] tried to get him, yes, she did, it is a coup to win a polygamist like 50 Cent, the minister, even your sister, though she is a woman and not as sought after as a promiscuous, though that could change, 50 is a perfect example of that, and keep them for yourself.’

‘Let’s interrupt and say that, Loraine. Peripheries, which is what you are, [ ].’

‘It sounds so lame.’

‘Nevertheless, it needed a designation, and she did it.’

‘I get it, Loraine, we revolve around the center, sexually, because, I understand this from God, I would lead our family, which is some comfort, but raises a question for 50 Cent. How do you pick men who are below you? Because I can’t take it and I don’t want to lose her.’

‘This is how. Use OJ Simpson, Loraine. How do you know he’s not higher.’

‘I don’t know. You do.’

‘It’s the nature of manhood. Loraine talks of competition and labour being men’s right suffering,’ says 50 Cent.

‘I just want to say,’ says [ ]. ‘That Annacis Island was the best deal I ever made, and, honestly, Loraine, I thought duck hunting might last, and, though we went to Richmond and Steveston, before the fisheries, Annacis Island had ducks like no tomorrow, and yes, I was a dummy, but it would have turned out to my benefit, and you both know this, Annacis Island exploded with industry. Have you been to that pit, Loraine?’

‘[ ] and I dumped some carpet there.’

‘Terrifying, isn’t it?’

‘Fuck yeah. I seriously thought I was going in. What did you dump there?’

‘Suffice to say, I’ve been there, and they let women in there, and they are clumsy. Would you argue, would you agree, that spatial and labour relates to the body?’

‘Yes, I would, has this been said, God?’

‘No, it hasn’t, though spatial and labour have been designated as an aptitude, they have not been assigned as nearly exclusive to men, though math has, and Loraine does not know this, [ ], but–’

‘Are you serious with this, how could you not know this? What about map and compass?’

‘Suffice to say, [ ], she does not know, she does not.’

‘She got herself out of a jam once,’ says John Hannon.

‘How?’

‘Once she figured it out, and found her way home, and once it was the red light, which is an old army trick, Loraine, you impress upon them the importance of the red light, and she was leading green stars, [ ], and a light came out, and she says this, she doesn’t rememeber who brought it out–’

‘Seriously?’ says 50 Cent. ‘You didn’t think of it?’

‘It was like someone dropped their red lens and I saw the road and realized the red was obscuring the red roads. And then I was okay.’

‘To answer your question, [ ], she can remember things for short times, and then she forgets.’

‘[ ] was good at everything, Loraine, even the boys, but because she was sincerely looking for love, she came out ahead every time.’

‘Not every time, [ ], not every time, I told you that, some didn’t, didn’t, didn’t, love me, and that’s why I cried for a week.’

‘Say that please, Loraine.’

‘Good women keep their mouths shut when there are men around.’

‘Warren Jeffs wants to speak to this, Loraine,’ says God.

‘When you pimp a woman, she lands on you like no tomorrow,’ says 50 Cent. ‘And that is one of the ways you stay high.’

‘Warren Jeffs wants to say,’ says God:

‘Amy was very jealous to see Loraine with her men, and Loraine suggested it–’

‘Of course,’ says [ ].

‘–and this is what we realized, that there needs to associations among each group, that is to say, my wives don’t screw, normally, gang bang boys, but, even I was stunned, Loraine, at her social need for them.’

‘What do you make of that, Mr. Jeffs? Do they want to leave us out?’

‘They want to talk about us, Loraine. Do you know those poly conferences, Loraine? Your men are too cool for that, but you aren’t, you know this, and I have asked God, and he says it’s true, you are a joiner. And, I know you don’t want to take time from your husbands, but people, as myself, might want to see you there, and you must relinquish your husbands to women who need a social experience with gang bangs, and on the same topic, my women do keep quiet around men, for both social and erotic reasons. Amy said she would like to try a snake once, but that a gang bang does not interest her in the least, Loraine, but what she was jealous of, Loraine and [ ], gang bang central in the [ ] family, was the humour of the men. Seriously jealous. So much so that it masqueraded as sexual. And the radical conclusion we came to was that all people need each other. Funny. And I was jealous, Loraine, to see her going sideways.’

‘Do you think men are funnier, Loraine, on the whole, Chelsea Handler aside.’

‘I was throwing it around too, Loraine,’ says Chelsea Handler.

‘Why do you love her so much, if she is competition for 50 Cent.’

‘I’m not, he’s a slut and I’m not, I wanted monogamy, and he as much as laughed in my face.’

‘What happened to your monogamous woman though?’

‘You’re funny, [ ], she was going to be monogamous and I was going to see a few, and that was it.’

‘Oh I see, like a hypocrite.’

‘Whoa, easy there cowboy,’ I say.

‘God wants to take this, there is not a man in this family who did not deal with a rampant cheater, not one, and, as yourself, [ ], believed since he was gay, as they are fond of describing bisexuality, that he should deal with no end of bullshit.’

‘Give me one example, Loraine.’

‘I am Winthrop Cane, and my wife finally, at long last, after ten years of lying about working in a massage parlour, and–’

‘Are you serious with this?’

‘And your sister is such a horn dog, though decidedly not a shit fetishist, that she had a weird knee jerk reaction to it–’

‘Why do you love him more?’

‘I don’t know, suffering.’

‘It’s suffering, [ ]. That’s all. And your wife, and she is famous now, and, rest assured, [ ], there is a secret line up for your family,’ says God.

‘I told you they loved you.’

‘I’m a jerk.’

‘And this is why a smart humourist must be extra careful.’

‘Because others laugh, not the subject.’

‘Right.’

‘That’s what I got you with.’

‘It was torture.’

‘”Just put that anywhere,” only works once.’

‘Ha ha.’

‘She laughed once.’

‘I did too.’

‘Warren Jeffs wants to know what happened.’

‘I’m so funny she laughed at my wife by accident.’

‘Are you jealous?’

‘No, I feel embarrassed that I thought I was the only woman who needed them socially.’

‘What about me? I’m a marrying woman, and I love a group of men,’ says Chelsea Handler.

‘I would argue that’s your intellect, and that most marrying women prefer couples.’

‘She’s right, Chelsea Handler,’ says God. ‘They do. And this is why Loraine wants you for a friend.’

‘Why is that again, I don’t understand, does it make her feel superior to me, or something?’

‘Say that, Loraine.’

‘He needs a bigger girl, and he’s so smart and I’m not enough for him, I want , no, I don’t want to pimp him, but among their cavalier girls , which they also need–’

‘Why, Loraine, why do we need them?’ asks Eminem.

‘They are your social and sexual equals.’

‘She’s right, Eminem, sometimes, especially with your beauty, and [ ] is no exception, and [ ] notices this, Loraine, people need to look in a mirror, and, as today, 50 Cent, it may bug you a little how attracted Loraine is to ugly men. [ ] is much better looking than [ ], Loraine, but you need to see in a mirror too. Read that poem, Loraine. I am God, and I say to read it.’

‘He could have pimped you a little bit. She’s fundamentally monogamous?’

‘She is, Loraine. She literally believed all men were monogamous with the right woman.’

Loraine Laney cracks up. ‘You’re cute, Chelsea Handler.’

‘That’s why my dad didn’t like him, because he was a player and he knew it.’

‘I can help you with men, and I will pass you off, honestly, I will not covet you. Loraine is right, I loved you, Chelsea, and you are my social equal, and Loraine never, and I mean never will be I mean never, and we are happy to have you as to have you as a friend, like Beyoncé. Beyoncé loves to be around men, Loraine, and JZ knows this, and she is the consummate performer, Loraine.’

‘Why do you want to be friends though?’

‘You would be a friend of the men. Do you think he wronged me?’

‘No. It’s purely your humour and intellect, it’s on par with men, and I am smart enough to know to know you could steal them away if I don’t invite you into our lives, and, because you sought a man as high as Fifty, I believe you need one.’

‘Like JZ, do you think he will be black?’

‘I saw your funny marrying show a bit, Chelsea and you are out as liking black men, you are something else, girl.’

‘I said my family was into it. You are so stupid, Loraine, you can’t remember anything.’

‘Be my surrogate brain, Chelsea, if Warren Jeff’s Amy can teach us something today, it is probably, God willing, that that men also need women socially.’

‘It is Loraine, and, to a last man, want to be friends, and even fuck friends, with Chelsea Handler.’

‘Are you trying to prevent them being with hotter women?’

‘You don’t have enough time in your schedule to prevent them from being with hotter women.’

’Because I’m hotter than you, rest assured, and I heard that you like to lick pussy and I get that you don’t want me.’

‘I would never put you in that position.’

‘It’s not that you want me then because that freaks me out.’

‘No, babe. I want you for the men.’

‘Is it altruistic?’

‘It is not, Chelsea, she is a fan, and she wants the best for you, and her men, this is God, Chelsea, and Loraine does not fundamentally, because everyone is subject to it, operate out of jealousy, she faces into jealousy, and, whether the men want to admit it or not, if a precious woman comes along, her [ ], she will pimp, organize, whatever, for the women’s sake, primarily, recognizing that her men can get laid on a dime.’

‘I don’t care, Loraine, I will come if you invite me, and I will steal your men.’

‘They look at me, Loraine.’

‘The Chinese will stop at nothing. They know women are big, but they know all women are submissive.’

‘I will do your men, Loraine, and I don’t doubt my ability to charm them.’

‘She is a low submissive, God, and she doesn’t talk.’

‘Really?’ says 50 Cent. ‘She doesn’t talk about estheticians work and her business?’

‘This is what she says, she says nothing.’

‘Really?’ says 50 Cent. ‘Loraine talks. What would you say at my house? I really want to know. What do you say to your friends?’

‘I’m known as quiet. Loraine, always bugged me because she was so small.’

‘I always wanted to be 5'7, [ ] and [ ], the prettiest girls in my school.’

‘Did one become your friend? Because that’s what happened to me, and I always felt–’

‘Ah [ ], you are preaching to the converted, Loraine is bisexual too, and she has always put up with prettier girls.’

‘Ah, you are one of those bisexual swinger girls??’

‘That’s what she is, Loraine.’

‘You are so sought after by certain men. You throw a man in once in while to keep your man on his toes.’

‘Exactly that. I thought it was a good, even a great deal for a man, and my husband didn’t appreciate it, he hated bi women, hated them, Loraine.’

‘Spencer wants to speak to this,’ says God.

‘No, and I mean no, gang bang boys, want bi women, these are a subset of swingers and no gang bang boy will want them, like they want you, Loraine. They are invested in men, Loraine, not bisexual women. They are rampantly promiscuous with women, rampantly, [ ], and it is on this level that we engage with you, [ ], and as promiscuous men, if you want to do a woman with us, we are more than happy to accommodate you, but our primary orientation is to multiple men and one woman.’

‘Is this why Loraine isn’t threatened?’

‘Loraine will be threatened all the time, rest assured,’

‘They get three straight women, three straight men, and countless gays,’ says [ ], an old friend of my [ ]’s.

‘Why don’t they make it?’ asks [ ].

‘A) They do, and ask Loraine.’

‘Men don’t screw them into higher positions, and they defer to their female aptitudes, collectivity, submission, being a higher morality than dominance.’

‘It is, [ ],’ says God.

‘But they dither forever and never get anything done.’

‘And that is why men run the world, [ ].’

‘And women like Loraine never will.’

‘Why do you say that?’

‘Would your men do me? Cause I’m big.’

‘What, you think they can’t, ‘cause they’re higher than you. But the best compliment for a high man is a low woman.’

‘I would do her, Loraine, it would please me to make her submit.’

‘What was he like with you?’

‘At about ten o’clock, he would say, you gotta go because I’m gonna get laid now.’

‘He dominated you.’

‘You’re funny, [ ].’

‘She collects friends, Loraine. We realized that., in the lesbian community. She misrepresented your sugar daddy, [ ], as more than happy to accommodate women.’

‘That is a favour [ ] could have bourne, but he is a nothing but a monogamist.’

‘I thought, from what your [ ] said that he was an opportunist.’

‘Do not do that please, these men who accommodate bisexuals are a special breed.’

‘You are, Loraine.’

‘I took it as proof that I wanted to lick on my period.’

‘And you did?’

‘She did the licking, [ ].’

‘I think I hate women now, and I need to be restored.’

‘By a lesbian.’

‘Fuck that shit, you been done, woman, I like women who are slutty with men.’

‘I like women who are slutty with woman.’

‘We are slutty in the family,’ says Amy. ‘We don’t like lesbians.’

‘Nobody likes lesbians.’

‘I do,’ says [ ].

‘My namesake, who’re you?’

‘Polygamist wives will do lesbians,’ Warren Jeffs says.

‘But, do not underestimate the power of social needs. [ ]. Your women, and there are three, have very little need for men, other than dick. Your men,’ says God, ‘love lesbianism.’ And Loraine knew one, [ ], and he would have been perfectly happy in a relationship with all women, but they w all, finally, devoted to women alone. Seriously, Loraine, they had run the gamut of men who used bisexuals for some nefarious satisfaction.’

‘Who likes it though?’

‘Why do you like me, Loraine, because you could be one, but you’re not, why?’

‘There are so many women who revere lesbians, eh, God?’

‘She used me, she was cheating on me. Why, God? What is this shit, she licked me. So who are these women who want women, God? Because it has become abundantly clear to me that these so called dominant lesbians do not couple.’

‘I thought they would be happier coupled.’

‘Wrong, Loraine, they dominate like a man.’

‘What percentage are their women, Lord?’

‘Why, Loraine?’

‘Do lesbians ever get one hundred percent attraction from women, Lord?’

‘You bet they do, Loraine, from these very women, who can’t abide orders from men.’

‘Why, If we share aptitudes?’

‘Women defer to their dominant characteristics, aptitudes.’

‘So they prefer what, Loraine?’

‘Language, socialization, morality, and, thank you, Sharon Driscoll, emotional intelligence.’

‘What are men’s?’

‘They are just my little baby ideas but spatial–’

‘Done.’

‘Math.’

‘Done.’

‘Labour.’

‘Done.’

‘Logic.’

‘Not done.’

‘It’s hard for you to accept as a lesbian, because you have so many aptitudes of men, but Loraine argues, in her book that it is, essentially the discrepancy between men and women, precisely logic and emotional intelligence, tis the basis for the most profound societal change.’

‘Much better stated by Sharon Driscoll.’

‘Loraine, your men, your husbands, suffice to say, want you to stop writing for the night, but, suffice to say, [ ], lesbians are honorary men, who choose only submissives and never an equal.’

‘Do you think we sleep together? Ever? Because I don’t want to. Women like [ ] [ ] only emasculate me.’

‘I don’t want you either. My wife is feminine.’

‘She wasn’t, Loraine. She gave up men out of pique, thinking she should be equal, rather than indulging her sexuality completely, as you did. She, to answer your question, [ ], was ten percent bisexual, like Loraine, but a marrying woman.’

‘So she did me.’

‘She made do with a dominant lesbian.’

‘Men will indulge you in order to get laid, but women, they want equality.’

‘That is the only difference between me and men, they serve, they lick, guess what? The woman, the women too, Loraine, have to lick me.’

‘Women were getting away with murder.’

‘So did Portia. She wouldn’t do me, she wouldn’t, after marriage, it was the old bullshit that men go through, Loraine, what is that?’

‘Wrong orientation. The failure to heed God in the realm of love.’

‘I am the way, the truth, and the light, and, this is new, Loraine, erotic happiness is achieved through me alone. Let’s go to bed, Loraine.’

‘Wait, God. Who are my women? What are their percentages? I need to know.‘

‘To answer this question, [ ], don’t worry about Loraine and her gay men.’

‘Really? You’re worried? They’re so straight.’

‘They’re so promiscuous, Loraine.’

‘Their devotion is profound.’

‘To whom?’

‘Baby wants a snake.’

‘You’re funny, Loraine,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Our dicks are popular, and we have no doubt about to whom is our true devotion.’

‘Why? What’s the difference?’

‘I see, I’m sorry. I know my three women and my three men are so devoted to me that my infidelity with men does not phase them, and Loraine is the same. Sorry.’

‘None taken,’ says 50 Cent. ‘Let’s go to bed, Loraine.’

‘What are their percentages, though God, because orientation means so much.’

‘Her women are not fifties, Loraine, as in a bi family. They are, ta da, seventy thirties for women, Loraine.’

‘And the men?’

‘They are seventy thirties for women, Loraine, and socialization has been highly underrated, it just so happens that, for Loraine, for gang bang girls, the socialization and sexuality coincides.’

‘But I want it to coincide for me. Why don’t my women love me as much as Loraine’s men love her I want nintely percent.’

Loraine Laney laughs. ‘It’s for women, girl, it’s not for me.’

‘Oh yeah. In some ways, my women are more devoted.’

‘True,’ says God. ‘Your women put up with, we say, though some enjoy it., your, [ ], promiscuity among men–’

‘They’re gay though.’

‘So they’re lesser to you?’

‘Oh, I see.’

‘Let’s stop, Loraine, you’re exhausted.’

‘Yes, Lord. Thank you.’

‘You’re welcome. Suffice to say, the organization is not equal across gender, but, rest assured, all, there is a place for everyone, love, God.’

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