#filthy_animal

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[thatfilthyanimal]

Transitioning, HRT and PCOS

I'm not sure if it's worth mentioning really, but there are people here who have been following me for a LONG time that may want to know-- my pronouns are now he/him. I'm transgender and have been lying to myself for over 30 years. I talk about this issue in length on my twitter, and its vaguely TMI but... idk, it seems important to be public and honest about this, because it's been extremely hard. And there's clearly not enough people talking about it, if doctors can hear me say "I want to transition and be on testosterone" and then respond by reiterating in the very next sentence that I'm "a female" in our good year of 2021. https://twitter.com/filthy_animal/status/1361714004352266240 All else I really have to say is, if you might be silently sitting there and struggling with thoughts of transitioning, and not feeling "trans enough" to go through with it, ask yourself why. Ask yourself what's preventing you from going through with it, and criticize those thoughts and beat them into the earth. I promise that loving yourself enough to be honest with what you need is worth way more than any love another person could offer you. And I say this as someone who's engaged and in a healthy relationship. /Nothing/ compares to the euphoria of listening to yourself when you're suffering and begging to be heard. I've had multiple male partners tell me that they weren't sure they could love me if I transitioned, because they weren't attracted to men. I was honest to them about my gender dysphoria and I was basically told I couldn't be loved anymore if I went through with it. It made me second-guess and deny that I was "trans enough" because I couldn't choose transitioning over being loved. It made me feel broken, and it nearly killed me. Don't do this to someone. And if you have, or feel like it's true that you couldn't deal with their transition, please be honest with yourself about what you want from the other person. Do you love them? Do you want them to be happy? I'm willing to answer questions anyone may have about any of this, so please don't feel afraid to reach out.

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Cheetah adoptables by filthy_animal on Twitter!

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[thatfilthyanimal]

No way! I think I recognize your name. Did you run a Megamind LiveJournal community a while back? I was around 13 when I joined. That was where I started to learn to write. Everyone was amazing on there. I wonder how many of you OG Megamind fans are on Tumblr. I'm definitely gonna do some searching now.

Oh wow! Hi!! This is really late and I’m sorry, but yes! I was filthy_animal over there. A lot of fans are still around and yes, on tumblr, but the way social media works has us really scattered right now. I’ll post this in hopes that they see it and can say hi!! I’m also impressed you joined at 13, because to my knowledge most people were 20+! Either way, if you’re still interested, we’re happy to have ya around!

[thatfilthyanimal]

This is a really REALLY specific ask but did you happen to have this name back in ye olde Livejournal days because I vaguely remember somebody did in one of the drama communities who was a big Megamind fan

I went by filthy_animal on LiveJournal yes, and moderated the megamind_movie community.

I guess it goes without saying that most of the stuff I would have said in those drama communities (and also the Megamind one) probably has no weight to how I currently feel about those subjects now? I spent a lot of time in certain drama communities because I was severely depressed (and getting abused by multiple people) and needed to feel like someone else was "worse off than me" or whatever. It was stupid. I was stupid.

<3

[thatfilthyanimal]

This got too long ungh

I was asked to speak about my experiences with Chris (Kirbopher) Niosi, and honestly I really feel like my side of this isn't a big deal, but I stand by the victims and want to weigh in on ~the Kirb experience~ for their sake.

As a lot of you know I spoke with Psyguy like... every day for years. Kirb was part of Psy's little friend circle and thus, Kirb was often dragged into our Skype calls (which eventually became the Whachow podcast on the side). Kirb and I were not very close ourselves, I was honestly too annoyed by him and didn't feel much connection outside of what Psy pushed us to share on the daily. Not to be mean, but we just had different interests.

Kirb seemed nice but he was, for lack of a better way to put it, extremely annoying and often self-absorbed. He couldn't stop turning the conversations into his own stuff, usually voice acting, anime, Egoraptor (he admired him), or whatever he was animating at the time.

I have nothing wrong with someone enjoying things, but these things were brought up at bad times, often interrupting and ignoring other important conversations. He later blamed this on a disorder, which, again, fine. But it was still hard on us and he made little effort to work on it.

At the time I was unknowingly having cat allergies, and was having near-constant migraines, bouncing between different medications and living in constant agony because my doctors never thought to check for sinus symptoms. I almost went to the hospital various times (stopped by my family's lack of money for the ER) and spent a lot of my time in the dark, away from bright lights and loud noises. Some days I couldn't bare to be on Skype because even the slightest distortion from a cheap microphone or the smallest clip in audio would be like an ice pick to the head. Everyone in our group was aware of this. Including Kirb.

Many times over the course of a few years, Kirb would no short of deep-throat his mic to make a sudden, annoying noise into it to... I don't know... startle us? Get attention? Again, he blamed this on his disorder, but he still made no effort at the time to work on it.

Every. Time. This. Happened. I was in pain. And I would often yell at him, flip out, drop the call, etc. Psy yelled at him as well. I think everyone did at some point. Nothing changed the fact that he just didn't seem to care that this habit of his was painful to me and annoying to everyone else in the calls.

He's since apologized many times so this feels moot to bring up, sadly. We're talking like 10 years ago. But years of my life were spent dealing with this regularly and I feel it needs to be brought up.

There was also the flash animation that was popular on Newgrounds for a while which included a brief cameo of my character, Filthy, involved in a "tuba" joke. Kirb has acknowledged this as well, and insists he didn't know the actual reason for the inside joke. Unfortunately I feel this is false, as Psy LOVED this joke and loved telling people about it at my expense.

The joke is awkward to talk about now, but essentially when Psy and I were briefly dating (before just being friends for a few more years) we did meet up in person and we had some pretty lackluster sex. Psy then joked to the friend group that trying to figure out how to get me off was "like trying to play the tuba". I tried laughing it off at the time but it was still extremely uncomfortable, but sadly at the time I lacked any self-confidence and took it. These days it's honestly laughable, as it was literally Psy admitting that he has no idea how to please someone. What a self-own. (Hopefully some day he looks up what a clitoris is, for the sake of anybody who sadly may date him in the future.)

Anyways, I'm pretty certain Kirb actually knew the relevance of this inside joke. I don't know how he wouldn't, given his constant presence in our little friend circle and Skype calls. Maybe I'm wrong and he genuinely was excluded from the joke somehow... yet still using it...? I just don't buy it.

Either way, apologies have been made on his end for it, and it's whatever. But I feel like for clarification, and filling in a blank or two, I needed to speak up about it all.

- I no longer use tumblr, and have since moved to twitter. https://twitter.com/filthy_animal Please know replies to this here will likely not be read.