#figures id do something like this and basically kill this blog right after making it

[laurelnose]

Very New to your blog and the posts are probably way old but I saw you do Witcher Biology (??) rants sometimes and Id love to hear your take, if you have one, on what monsters (namely "naturally occurring" ones like draconids and insectoids) contribute to the ecosystem if anything and whether or not they should be hunted into extinction. I was discussing it w/ a friend last night after dealing with Iocaste, the last silver basilisk, and now its smthn I'm Invested in

re monster ecosystems: I just figure theyve probably found a niche in the world by now and can eat anything smaller incl. humans but because theyve got no natural predators aside from eachother and arent hunted by anything but witchers , monsters are just breeding and eating and wldnt that damage the land? or have they made their own like, circle of life or whatever ? Ive little knowledge on the subject as a whole but the whole thing intrigues me

hi & extremely belated welcome, anon! my apologies for the length of time you’ve been waiting for this answer; I had to think carefully about how I wanted to respond to this ask, because: there’s a lot going on here. also, because I am a disaster, I ended up posting it to ao3 first while I was avoiding tumblr for a spell and then completely forgot to come back. oops. i’m sorry!! This one’s about 5000 words long, which is a lot for tumblr, so reading on AO3 may be preferable.

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The two main thrusts of your first ask (how do monsters interact with the ecosystem and should they be eradicated from the Continent) are questions of invasion ecology, the study of non-native/invasive species and their effects on the environment. Monsters, having arrived on the Continent about 1200 years ago during the Conjunction of Spheres from entirely alien dimensions, are indeed technically non-native species!

However, invasion ecology is…somewhat controversial, to say the least—there are a lot of invasive species, who have a lot of different & complex impacts, and a lot of different ideas about what we might do about any of this, and it’s basically all arguing all the time, so I wasn’t really sure how I wanted to approach the topic. Not to mention that for reasons I couldn’t initially put my finger on, it seemed wrong to apply theories of invasion ecology to the Witcher monsters. We’ll get into it! There are also a couple of common misconceptions/oversimplifications of how ecology works in your second ask which I want to unpack. Hopefully I pulled this together into something that makes sense, and feel free to ask me for clarification!

Some important background facts:

Species have always been moving to and “invading” new places on their own; humans and globalization have accelerated this process into a Big Problem, as the sheer number of invasive species being introduced all over the globe strains ecosystems already under pressure, but “native ranges” are always shifting, sometimes more dramatically than you might expect. If you go far enough back in time, all species are “non-native”.

Because of this, the very definition of “invasive species” is hotly contested. This is why you’ll hear dozens of terms like introduced species, injurious species, naturalized species, non-native species, etc.; these all have slightly different connotations, but all refer to a species that did not originate in a particular location.

An introduced species is usually classified as “invasive” as opposed to “non-native” or “naturalized” if its presence significantly alters the ecosystem it invades; some people define this more narrowly as a species that causes harm to an ecosystem. “Harm” can take a lot of different forms, as every non-native species interacts differently with the ecosystem they were introduced to.

Aside from various potential impacts to human economic activity, most forms of ecological harm by introduced species involve the decline of native species, by a variety of mechanisms; invaders might eat natives, outcompete them for food, interbreed with them, carry novel pathogens, etc. Invasive species are primarily a threat to biodiversity.

Now, here’s my Hot Take:

The Conjunction of Spheres is analogous to real-life ecological cataclysms such as the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event, and thus monsters are not invasive species.

The Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event saw the extinction of 75% of all species on Earth after the Chicxulub asteroid hit, including the non-avian dinosaurs. The Earth has had several disasters like this, of varying severity—the Great Oxidation Event killed almost literally everything on Earth except for the cyanobacteria who caused it. These cataclysmic extinction events completely upended existing ecosystems, altering habitats beyond recognition and leaving swathes of niches emptied of life that the survivors could evolve to exploit.

The most recent Conjunction of Spheres on the Continent is supposed to have thrown everyone living on the planet at the time into chaos and darkness; it wouldn’t be unreasonable to assume that the interpenetration of multiple spheres caused mass extinction of species living in the pre-Conjunction environment, similar to Chicxulub or the GOE!

But Socks, you might say, evolution works on a massive timescale! It took millions of years to fill the niches left open by Chicxulub, but it’s only been 1200 years since the Conjunction of Spheres! And you are absolutely right*, but the Conjunction of Spheres canonically came pre-loaded with new species. We actually have no proof that any of the animals we see originated on the Continent: if humans are a post-Conjunction phenomenon, why not also dogs? Why not bears? Who’s to say any of those were actually there before-hand? (The elves, I guess, but as they have not, actually, said so, there’s no proof!!)

* FTR, 1200 years is a shockingly short period of time to go from cataclysm that plunged the world into darkness and chaos to functioning medieval-era society considering how long it actually took humanity to build 13 century Europe (horses had been domesticated for at least 3000 years by that time), even if we’re not assuming that most of the ecosystem was destroyed, so, my timeline concerns here are minimal, lmfao. TIMELINE WHAT TIMELINE.

…and actually now that I think about it the three options for the origin of dogs are a) elves or dwarves domesticated them, b) humans brought dogs with them during the Conjunction, or c) dogs have existed for less than 1200 years, and I refuse to accept that dogs are practically a new invention in the witcherverse, wtf.

Anyways: we really have no idea which species are truly “native” to the Continent, or what the physical environment was like prior to the Conjunction. While monsters are not native to the Continent, monsters are also not invasive—there cannot be decline of pre-Conjunction biodiversity or harm to the pre-Conjunction ecosystem because there is no pre-Conjunction ecosystem anymore.

should monsters be hunted to extinction?

So, the thing is, I think we should try to eradicate invasive species from non-native ranges if we can; the biggest problem with that is feasibility, not morality. It’s much more difficult than one might think to eradicate an invasive species once it’s established, and we have to be very careful that the methods we choose don’t have other impacts, but invasive species are a huge threat to the biodiversity of Earth! If monsters are invasive species, then the answer is yes, they should be eradicated from the places they are not native to.

(Notably, on Earth this kind of eradication is not the same thing as extinction; it would be a local extinction, or extirpation, where the species is totally wiped out in the places it invaded but still exists in its native range. This does get way more complicated if the invasive is already extinct in its native range.)

However, I have just outlined a possibility that would make it plausible for monsters not to be invasive species. Let me also outline why I prefer this interpretation. Here is a book conversation between the sorcerer Dorregaray of Vole and Geralt:

“Our world is in equilibrium. The annihilation, the killing, of any creatures that inhabit this world upsets that equilibrium. And a lack of equilibrium brings closer extinction; extinction and the end of the world as we know it. … Every species has its own natural enemies, every one is the natural enemy of other species. That also includes humans. The extermination of the natural enemies of humans, which you dedicate yourself to, and which one can begin to observe, threatens the degeneration of the race.”

“Do you know what, sorcerer?” Geralt said, annoyed. “One day, take yourself to a mother whose child has been devoured by a basilisk, and tell her she ought to be glad, because thanks to that the human race has escaped degeneration. See what she says to you.”

–The Bounds of Reason, ch. 6

This is a, uh, incredibly unsubtle reference to a debate that has been ongoing for decades; Geralt’s stance here is one of the key arguments in opposition to wolf and bear reintroduction. What do we do about large predators that may pose a threat to humans? How do we balance preservation of the ecosystem with the safety of people who have to coexist with these predators?

I can’t fully agree with Geralt, because large predators are integral to the ecosystem, which I value for its own sake and because humans depend on healthy ecosystems. But I can’t fully agree with Dorregaray either, because Geralt is right: human life is valuable and worthy of protecting. This is an issue that India has been running into in the past ten years; as their tiger conservation efforts yield fruit, people become more likely to encounter tigers, and thus more likely to have a bad encounter with a tiger. It’s become a political struggle as rural people who have to actually live with the possibility of a tiger attack come into conflict with urban conservationists who just really want to preserve tigers (& in some incidents, some of those conservationists have been Western, which is a whole additional level of fuckery). The fact is, there isn’t a good answer to this yet! We certainly should not drive tigers, wolves, or any other large predator to extinction, but we also have to figure out a way to keep people safe. It’s something humanity still has to wrestle with.

Under this framing, which CDPR reinforced when they chose to have the Count di Salvaress defend Iocaste as an endangered species while making significant provisions to minimize the damage she could do to human life, there’s far too much baggage attached for me to say yes, monsters should be hunted into extinction. If you’re going to make monsters analogous to wolves, of course I do not think we should get rid of monsters entirely!

And frankly, Geralt doesn’t think so either, despite his hardline stance about monsters that eat humans. Sapkowski isn’t exactly an anti-conservationist; though Dorregaray is shown as out of touch in this passage, at another point the narrative sides with him calling Philippa out on exterminating a species of ermine for her fur collar, and it’s consistently put forth that Geralt’s best quality is that he doesn’t want to perform violence for the sake of it or destroy things without cause, and one of the representations of that is that he refuses to kill endangered species even at cost to himself:

“What should I say about you, who rejects a lucrative proposition every other day? You won’t kill hirikkas, because they’re an endangered species, or mecopterans, because they’re harmless, or night spirits, because they’re sweet, or dragons, because your code forbids it.”

–Eternal Flame, ch. 2

If monsters and other post-Conjunction creatures are invasive species, the nuance in this conversation is flattened, and Geralt’s refusal to kill mecopterans and hirikkas becomes a flaw rather than a virtue. Boring! I also think that one of the strongest themes in the witcherverse is the idea of all monsters being human ills; wraiths are manifestations of hatred, necrophages multiply because of human bloodshed, cursed ones are created out of malice, mages like Alzur and Idarran of Ulivo go out of their way to straight-up create monsters from scratch*, etc. Iocaste attacks humans and takes livestock because the traditional prey of the silver basilisk, roe deer, has been extirpated by human destruction of their habitat. The aeschna in Blood of Elves attacks humans because humans have altered and polluted the flow of the Pontar, hunting the aeschna’s previous food (seals) to extinction. The true monster is the actions of humans. Monsters that appeared unbidden from another dimension into a previously functional ecosystem to invade and cause problems undermines this theme; monsters that are integrated into the ecosystem and subject to the same social and ecological forces as other animals supports it.

* Idarran’s “idr” monsters from Season of Storms absolutely should be eradicated. Did the world not have enough man-eating arthropods, Idarran? Did you really have to mutate horrible new ones and release them in populated areas?? Mages are a scourge, lmfao

Additionally, one of the biggest reasons I felt like I couldn’t actually apply invasion ecology to monsters was that, whether you accept my Conjunction theory as sufficient biological justification for this or not, monsters just don’t really behave like invasive species. It’s hard to explain this because the setting is pretty brief about its ecological details, but aside from the fact that the narrative frames them like just part of the ecosystem of the world, there are never any details like “that type of flower doesn’t exist anymore because giant centipede tunneling destroyed the soil they needed to grow in.” When monsters are the aggressors, their victims are always humans, not the environment or other animals, and again monsters are themselves often treated as victims of human actions.

So I say monsters aren’t invasive species!

Which means that monsters are, regardless of their strange origins, now a part of the Continent’s ecosystem just as much as bears and wolves.

So let’s talk monster ecology.

what do monsters contribute to the ecosystem, if anything?

So, the phrase “contributing to the ecosystem” is actually super loaded, and I want to unpack that before we go anywhere else. Ecosystems are made up of organisms, and organisms interact with and impact ecosystems, but they don’t necessarily contribute to ecosystems! The implication of “contribute” is that it is possible for an organism to not contribute, and it follows from there that some organisms are not useful. This is functionally nonsensical, and also dangerous.

Conservationists talk a lot about “intrinsic value,” which in this context is the idea that we should want to keep species around just because their existence is valuable! Biodiversity is intrinsically valuable. This is important, firstly because I do believe that all species are intrinsically valuable, but also: ecosystems are so enormously complicated that we do not know the full extent of any species or individual organism’s impact, and we can’t predict what the consequences of removing any given species might be. Treating all species as intrinsically valuable is hedging our bets. All organisms affect the ecosystem, because it’s impossible for them not to, and while some species definitely have outsize impact, none of them are “not contributing,” and frankly even if some of them weren’t, it would be the absolute height of human arrogance for us to decide we could tell which ones were useless when we barely even know what most species eat. Mosquitoes are the base of the entire goddamn food chain, and you still get assholes claiming they don’t “contribute anything.” Of course, most people don’t really mean all of these implications when they use the phrase, but I don’t find it useful to talk about what species “contribute,” and avoid using that language if I can!

What I assume you mean by “what do monsters contribute” is a combination of “what roles might monsters play in the ecosystem” and “are monsters actively harmful to the ecosystem, i.e. do they cause loss of biodiversity?”

And this is difficult to answer! As I’ve said, I don’t think monsters are invasive species, and thus don’t harm the ecosystem, though we know that monsters can be harmful to humans. However, when it comes to the role they do play in the ecosystem, there isn’t enough in canon for me to do more than wildly speculate! Also, there are so so many of them, and the role of a hirikka is going to be wildly different from that of a draconid.

Just offhandedly, most of the big predatory monsters can be assumed to fill the same roles as Earth’s big predators, one of the big ones being overpopulation of prey species, which has ramifications throughout the ecosystem. Some of them are canonically ecosystem engineers, or animals that physically alter their environment (think beavers); for instance, shaelmaar and nekker tunneling. Additionally, the big insectoid colonies can’t be relying solely on naturally-occurring caves for their homes; they’ve gotta be constructing some stuff themselves. These tunnels can be repurposed as habitat for other organisms, from giant centipedes to sewant mushrooms. Necrophages, like corpse-eaters in our world, likely limit the spread of diseases from decomposing flesh (and really wouldn’t be as much of an issue if everyone would stop, you know, doing war and mass murder, lmfao). Arachasae use tree trunks and organic plant material to conceal themselves, which is likely contributing to plant reproduction in a few different ways—but the arachasae decorating essay is a different topic that I swear I will finish one day oh my god—

…anyways, feel free to ask about any specific monsters or niches if you’re curious, but if I tried to go into detail with every single potential niche/ecosystem service all of the monsters we know of might fill, we would be here all day!

Let’s talk about a couple specific things you brought up in your second ask.

> theyve probably found a niche in the world by now and can eat anything smaller incl. humans

I mean…maybe! That is, yeah, they’ve definitely settled into niches by now, but feeding is way more complicated and interesting than that.

For instance: orcas can eat basically whatever the fuck they want—orcas are fully capable of bringing down everything from fish to seals to gray whales to great white sharks. But they don’t. In the Pacific Northwest, the resident orca pods almost exclusively eat salmon, while the transient pods largely feed on seals. Orcas are kind of an extreme example, but this is something called resource partitioning and it’s a big part of how animals limit competition with one another and what enables lots of predators to coexist in one place!

We see a big fuck-off dragon thing and we assume that it’ll eat anything it can fit in its mouth, and definitely some predators work like that. But just because an animal is technically capable of eating something and deriving nutrition from it doesn’t mean that it will. Silver basilisks made roe deer the staple of their diet before the destruction of beech forests meant they had to turn to humans—which is a pretty specific dietary restriction when there should be multiple species of deer running around, not to mention everything else a draconid could be killing! And given how many types of draconid there are…I have to assume there’s some kind of resource partitioning going on to prevent them all from conflicting with each other! For instance, if basilisks prefer roe deer, maybe forktails prefer wild goats, while wyverns are mostly kleptoparasitic (stealing other predators’ kills).

And of course, not all monsters eat humans at all; harpies steal from and attack humans, so they’re a dangerous nuisance, but they don’t seem to eat them. And in the books Geralt mentions plenty of monsters which are totally harmless.

So yes, there are lots of things monsters could be eating, but it would strongly depend, and there’s a lot of interesting places one can take monster diets! Netflix decided their strigas only eat specific organs, leaving the rest of the body untouche, & I love that for her. More monsters that need a particular kind of nutrition that leads them to take only specific body parts from some kills!

> because theyve got no natural predators aside from each other and arent hunted by anything but witchers, monsters are just breeding and eating and wldnt that damage the land? or have they made their own like, circle of life or whatever ?

Absolutely—invasive species whose populations rapidly increase once they’re away from their natural predators cause the decline of native species, often by eating natives directly or competing with natives for resources. And in fact, even native species who become overpopulated can seriously damage the ecosystem (see: white-tailed deer in the United States, whose overpopulation has such negative ecological effects that some people argue we should classify them as invasive, even though they have definitely been here this whole time).

However, even if we grant that monsters are invasive, it’s a little more complicated than that for a few reasons!

Despite the apparent preponderance of them in the witcher games, most monsters are supposed to be strongly on the decline, like witchers themselves. Geralt’s profession is falling out of necessity; human development of the Continent is going to be the biggest suppressing factor in monster populations in the future. Monster overpopulation is just canonically not a problem in this universe! But even in the scenario where the Inevitable March Of Civilization isn’t threatening monster populations, there are a lot of factors that could and would limit monster populations.

(TL;DR for this next part: yeah I definitely think they’ve figured out their own little circle of life—the term you’re looking for is ecosystem equilibrium, btw!—& I’m going to take the next 1.2k to talk about how.)

For starters, predation is only one among many limiting factors that affect populations & prevent them from ballooning out of control:

food availability: If there’s not enough food, there’s not enough food! It also matters how adaptable the animal’s diet is—silver basilisks moved from deer to humans, but if the eucalyptus went extinct koalas would not switch to eating cycads.

illness and parasites: Some people argue these are more important than direct predation for limiting populations, and I am often inclined to agree. Basically, if a population becomes very dense, illness and parasites spread more quickly, creating a natural limiter on how many animals can live in any one place. The greater susceptibility of some individuals to illness or parasites also winnows down populations. Non-native species often escape a good portion of their native diseases by moving to a new range—however, given how fast bacteria and viruses evolve, 1,200 years is a pretty decent amount of time for new diseases to arise. Also, just going to drop a link to my treatise on monster parasites here. It’s gross, mind the warning at the start of the post.

mate availability: If only a certain percentage of the population is actually able to reproduce, that’ll eventually bring the total number down. RIP Iocaste’s boyfriend 😔

territory/shelter availability: Animals need a certain amount of space and certain types of spaces to survive, and space isn’t infinite! It again depends on how adaptable an animal is; rats find ways to thrive nearly everywhere, but pandas can only live where there’s bamboo. If there’s not enough space to hide from predators, reproduce safely, store food, and avoid adverse weather, the population again limits itself naturally.

natural disasters: Wildfires, drought, flooding, tsunamis, storms, etc. pick off significant portions of wildlife populations. Disasters are sporadic rather than directly linked to population like most of the other factors but these periodic blows to population and the other impacts of fire or flooding are often integral to the ecosystem (see especially: fire regimes and fire ecology.)

Now let’s talk predation & monsters! (Genuinely, I think predation is one of the most interesting things in ecology; people tend to simplify it down to things eat other things, which—yeah, but there���s so much more going on there!)

First, I wouldn’t underestimate the effects of monsters eating other monsters! Even if it’s rare for a draconid to snatch up a nekker and carry it off, the threat of a draconid doing so can have dramatic impacts; researchers found that just playing the sound of dog barks on a beach stopped raccoons from foraging for crabs for over a month after the barking stopped, leading to an increase in crab populations, even though no raccoons ever encountered a dog. This is called the ecosystem of fear (which as a term is metal as hell) and it theorizes that just the fear of predators can lead to chronic stress for prey animals, decreasing reproduction and making them more susceptible to disease. Maybe draconids in Toussaint eat only a few dozen nekkers a year, but that might cause thousands of nekkers to have fewer offspring or fall to disease. When it comes to ecosystems the direct effect is usually only a small part of the story!

Second, when we talk about a species not having natural predators, we’re usually talking about an animal that would have a predator back in its home range—lionfish, for instance, have plenty of predators in their natural range (the Indo-Pacific), but no natural predators in their invasive range (the Caribbean), so invasive lionfish, suddenly freed of a limiting factor, can run amok. However, a great white shark has, aside from orcas (who do not actually eat white sharks, they’re just assholes sometimes) and occasionally other white sharks, more or less no natural predators anywhere once it reaches maturity, and that’s fine! Lack of predation of great white sharks did not cause their populations to explode and consume the ocean. White sharks are limited by other factors.

So: it is possible that wherever draconids originated (and it’s entirely possible that “draconids” came from multiple different places, tbh) there was something bigger that preyed on them, but it’s not unreasonable to assume they were also apex predators in their previous dimension (I mean…look at them), and that adult draconids were never really preyed on by anything else! It isn’t necessarily an issue for there not to be predators of certain monsters on the Continent.

(Though, of course, we also shouldn’t forget that most apex predators are prey when they’re young—baby white sharks are snack-sized for a lot of fishes, and bear cubs and wolf pups are similarly vulnerable. Based on the size of the eggs you see in TW3 draconid nests, a basilisk is hatched around the size of a little dog, which is the perfect size for small, ballsy predators such as wolverines to sneak into a nest and snap them up—predators such as more wolverines or raptors like eagles and hawks might also come directly for the eggs.)

When it comes to smaller monsters such as nekkers, who likely weren’t apex predators in their original dimensions and would thus be subject to that lack of natural predators—there are usually specific reasons why prey species manage to avoid predation in their introduced range. Lionfish confound Caribbean predators because lionfish are covered with huge poisonous spines that Caribbean predators don’t know how to deal with.

Drowners, on the other hand, are basically just man-shaped fish; they don’t have any adaptations or defenses that would really stump a bear or a wolf. Again, bigger monsters are still probably checking the populations of smaller monsters no matter what, but there’s really no reason a bear couldn’t figure out how to eat a drowner! Unless a monster has a unique defense (e.g. scurver spines), is actively distasteful to eat (rotfiends, probably), or is just difficult to take down (nekkers in packs), most of the non-monster predators* on the Continent will have incorporated various monsters into their diet by now, or suppressed monster populations indirectly with the threat of predation or by competing with them for food. It has been over a thousand years, which is nothing evolutionarily but is still a decent period of time for mammals, who pass hunting techniques down to their babies, to figure out how to eat ghouls—especially if we’re considering that the Continent’s mammals may also be a result of the Conjunction and would thus have to have been just as adaptable as the monsters to establish themselves. And I’ve also actually talked before about how wolves specifically might be preying on necrophages!

* For reference, the non-monster predators are, considering the Continent is more or less Europe, most likely lynxes, brown bears/polar bears (in Skellige), wolverines, foxes, badgers, and a variety of large birds of prey.

So—yes, if monsters were truly overpopulating, then that would damage the ecosystem. However, canon tells us they are definitely not doing that, and there are also many factors that would prevent that from happening!

(Though I will say that some of the reasons white-tailed deer are overpopulated are that we got rid of cougars and wolves and human development creates a lot of extra habitat of the type that deer like. Given that we know many of draconids are for sure in significant danger of going extinct, and the trajectory that Europe’s wolf and bear populations followed in real life, it is possible that the Continent will have to contend with an overpopulation of some of the smaller monsters at some point as they continue to try to eradicate the larger predators, both monster and non-monsters—you think the drowner problem is bad now, wait until the bears are gone and city development has tripled the number of sewers. Yet another of those humans-make-monster-problems-worse things I am fond of in the Witcherverse!)

…whew. that was a lot of words. In conclusion: ecology is really cool & there’s a bunch of ways monsters can fit into it!!

[littlebitoffanfic]

Lessons

Fandom: Wrong Turn 4 Relationship: Sawtooth, One Eye, Three Finger Request: I haven’t done this before but I was wondering if you could right a one shot for the hilliker brothers from wrong turn. I would like it to take place during wrong turn 4 but if that’s not something you can/want to do then you can choose. I’m not picky. I really love your blog btw and you’re such a talented writer and I just can’t wait for what you have planned next. I wish you the best of luck!

A/n: I wasn’t sure if you meant it to take place during the actual movie. Then I started thinking about having the reader around during the plot and my mind ran away with the idea. I took some creative liberties with the plot. Hope you don’t mind 😊 also, if this isn’t what you were after, just let me know. Im always happy to revisit these guys haha.

  You were fuming. Absolutely livid as you paced back and forth by the doors, your arms crossed across your chest as you waited for them to get back. It was bad enough they had left while you were mid argument but then to be this late back? It was dark out, and they knew you hated the dark in the hospital. Part of you wondered if they were doing it to teach you something. That you couldn’t be there without them. You shook off the thought as best you could. But it still lingered. None of you would make it in the outside world, and you could easily survive without them. You could hunt and defend yourself, plus you didn’t have the… physical differences which would make it easier for you to blend into normality. Not that you ever wanted to. And you were sure they would survive if you walked away. But you all stayed together because you loved them dearly, and they loved you. They never said so, they couldn’t speak properly, but they showed it. And on the rare occasions you fought with the brothers, they were the first to apologies.  Today, Sawtooth, One Eye and Three Finger had been unhappy with you because you had went out after someone on your own. You hadn’t been hurt, but you knew that if he had been the slightest bit brighter or stronger, he could have given you a run for your money. But instead of congratulating you for a good kill, Sawtooth got protective, as did the brothers. 

“I can protect myself. I don’t need you hovering over me all the time!” You ended up shouting at them, out of pure annoyance. Sawtooth raised an eyebrow before straightening up and walking out, his brothers in tow. They glanced back at you, but they agreed with Sawtooth and that meant they would follow him. They had all left in the truck 7 hours ago, driving off into the snow. You knew they had been planning on setting up wire around the grounds so if someone was running, they would get caught, so it wasn’t like they had just stormed off. There had been a job to do. But then the hours rolled on and the sun began to set and you felt the fear set in. the building was old, and creaked under the awful weather that only seemed to get worse. To make everything just that little more worse, the powerlines were down and while you could start the generator yourself, you hated going down into the basement to do it. One Eye always did it. Just as you were about to go up and try go to sleep, you heard the sound of engines. Not car ones, but more like motorbikes. Frowning, you looked out one of the top windows and your heart dropped. 4 snowmobiles pulled up outside the hospital. Each had 2 people riding on them. Shit shit shit. One, two or maybe three people you could deal with, but this many? No, you couldn’t cope. You felt panic begin to set in as you tried to think of what to do. The brothers were gone and you had no idea when they’d get back. They had taken their truck and, if they were stuck out in the snow, they were more than happy to bunker down wherever. The best thing you could think to do was keep a close eye on the new comers. Find out whos connected to who, whos weakest, easier to scare, smartest etc. It was all you could. You quietly ran through the hospital, a skill you learned from your many chases with Three Finger. The sounds echoed off the long, deserted halls as you tried to pinpoint where they were, not wanting to run right into them. As the echoes died down, it told you they had entered a room with furnishings. Your knowledge of the building told you it was the lounge area, which the large fire place, some old couches and wheelchairs. You would sit in the large windows in the summer, the warm sun providing a lovely warmth while you read. But in the winter, the room got an awful draft so you and the boys basically abandoned it. You abandoned most the rooms during winter. The main ones that kept being used were the kitchen, the ‘bedroom’ in the attic and a couple of the rooms on the upper floor. Heat rises, after all. As you approached the room, you knew you were right. Slipping into a little janitors closet that had a chip lock so you could lock it from the inside, you knew there was a vent that lead directly between the two. No, you wouldn’t risk crawling inside, but it did allow you to listen. The closet itself was bigger than a standard closet, and mainly empty apart from a bucket, 3 tiered unit that came up to your hips and unit with shelves built into it which was about 5 foot tall and right next to the vent. So you jumped up on the first unit then sat on the second, now able to touch the roof if you reached up just above your head. You heard a girl asking for someone to find stuff to burn. There were footsteps leaving the room before they started talking about someone called Porter. You wondered if the guy you had killed earlier was called Porter, but then you remembered he had had ID that named him David Smith. there was some more talk about phone service, then the others came back and, from the sounds of it, they light a fire. You almost bash your head back on the wall out of boredom. For people who talk so much, they talk about the most dull shit in the world. then they spoke about looking around. Despite wanting to stay in your den, you followed the bigger group as they explored, keeping as close as you could. They went through the files, and you felt a rage build in your chest as they mocked the people who used to be trapped up in here. Just like the guards had. The guards didn’t have so much to say when there wasn’t bars separating them from the people they taunted. You happened to glance out the window when you saw three figures approaching the building. Sawtooth, One Eye and Three Finger. They were focused on what ever they were dragging back, so hadn’t seen the snowmobiles out front. You wondered where the truck was, but then realized it must have gotten stuck somewhere due to the storm. You paused for a moment, frowning. They had trekked back through the storm on foot? They could have bunkered down in the truck for the night, so why fight against the storm? You were happy they were home, but you still felt a rush of anger at the situation. You needed to see them, so you quickly and silently made your way to them. Your pondering meant they had already been through the halls and to the kitchen. When you ran in the room, you noticed how One Eye flinched when he walked in and saw you storming towards them. Three Finger refused to meet your eyes as they filed into the room. But Sawtooth wasn’t with them. “Where have you been?!” You hiss, your voice breaking. Three Finger held up some barbed wire then tossed it to the side when he saw you were still just as angry. Just then, a large figure entered the room, dragging something behind. Something about Sawtooths presence made you feel uneasy. Mainly because you two were still angry at each other. But before anything could be said, he threw the body on the floor between you and the brothers. If this were any other time, you’d have smiled, making a joke about it being a sacrifice to please you. But something niggled at the back of your head. approaching the body, you fell to your knees beside it and started rummaging through the pockets. Until you found a wallet. Opening it up, you found a driving licence. With the name Porter. “Well, that’s one less loose end.” You threw the wallet down. You huffed, about to cuss when suddenly, all the lights flickered on and the sound of loud laugher and cheering echoed through the corridors. Immediately, you saw the three of them go ridged. You rose to your feet, not looking the brothers in the eyes. Turning on your heel, you left the room but they followed. Dragging behind you, you all went towards the noise, slipping into an observatory room with two way glass, you crossed your arms and glared at the group as the brothers looked through the glass. You were now not only angry at the brothers, but at the people as well. They had been the doctors office, had seen some of the files there, they KNEW of the suffering people had endured in these halls and they were dancing around like fucking morons. You saw Three Finger flinch, backing away from the glass a little as they realized why you were so on edge. Why you were now so angry. One Eye looked at you, the guilt obvious in his eyes as he reached out, prepared to comfort you. But you backed away from him, refusing to look at them as you shook your head. Fresh tears pooled in your eyes. They hadn’t been here when you really needed them because they were mad at you. And although they didn’t know of the people coming, you couldn’t just ignore the ache in your chest. You walked through the brothers, who parted to let you through until Sawtooth grabbed your arm. You jumped, not expecting it as you looked up at him. In all honestly, you didn’t know what he wanted. Perhaps it was instinct and he didn’t want you to leave upset. Or perhaps it was because he didn’t want you wondering off when there was a new threat within the building. But you wanted to prove a point, so you yanked your arm back but just as you were about to leave the room, the group of people started using the old wheelchairs as toys and rolled around like morons before making their way to the auditorium. you creeped behind them, with the boys behind you.   you were about to creep to the door when One Eye caught your hand. As with his brother, you were about to yank away when he nodded to the stairs which lead to the upper floor. As if to show you, he pulled you up the stairs and towards the balcony where the group now sat speaking below. One Eye waited by your side, eager for praise from you, but you were too distracted as they managed to play something that made your insides twist painfully. It was the recording of One Eye during an electrotherapy session. You watched as he wrestled against the restrains then his whole body writhed in pain. ‘session’ actually meant ‘punishment’. And One Eye normally ended up in these ‘sessions’ because of you. If he thought the guards were too rough or cruel to you, he would act out. He had attacked god knows how many people because of how they treated you. And he would be punished every time. You remembered crying against the bars as they threw his limp body into the cell with his brothers. Turning, you saw One Eye had noticed the film playing. He had shrank into himself, his gaze on the floor and you noticed his hands were shaking slightly. Stepping closer, you ducked your head under his own and pressed your lips against his in a few chase kisses before nuzzling your cheek against his own as you wrapped your arms around his neck. He responded to your affections, his arms snaking around your waist as he buried his face in your neck. He held you so tight that it hurt, but you didn’t care. You saw something move out the corner of your eyes, your head snapping to see Three Finger and Sawtooth. Three Finger snarled when he noticed the film, obviously defensive of his brother. Sawtooth’s fists clenched by his sides, his face stoic. One Eye pulled back when he noticed his brothers, but didn’t dare let go of you. “We’re in this together, right?” You looked to Sawtooth, who nodded in agreement. “Okay, then this is just like any other prey.” All three nodded in agreement.

 The group of intruders had settle down in the old rooms used for those who could be kept in normal rooms, rather than cells. The brothers were now hard at work, making sure everything was in place for tomorrow. Which included setting up the normal kind of traps. You were about to go back up into your bedroom when you noticed one of the men had went wondering. Right to where Sawtooth had set up the body of Porter. Running, you grabbed Sawtooth by the sleeve and pulled him towards the nurses station.  Apparently, you didn’t need to say a word as he understood. The man started to try square up to the body, threatening him until he seemed to recognise the clothes. You and Sawtooth waited in the shadows until the man touched the body and saw the blood. He turned, but Sawtooth was quick and blocked his path. Using a long metal spike, he jammed it up, through the mans nose and out the other side of the head, killing him. You went to help with the body but Sawtooth pushed you back with a grunt. He gestured towards the kitchen, where the other brothers were preparing some weapons. You tried to follow him again but he dropped the body and stood at his full height, a deep growl leaving his chest. You knew better than to push him further, so you backed off.  He dragged the body towards a half open door, using his foot to kick it further open and you watched before disappearing to find the others.   There was a silence between you both, still some kind of argument going on. You found the others in the back office of the kitchen. The chiefs office, which had a couch that you on, pondering everything that’s happened.

---------------time skip --------------

You don’t know when you passed out, sitting on the floor while One Eye and Three Finger worked on some weapons. When you woke the next morning, Three Finger had moved to sit in front of you and you had a blanket over you. He didn’t appear to be doing anything. Just guarding you as you slept. Reaching out, you ran your finger across his shoulder to let him know you were awake. He turned with a smile, instantly kneeling up beside you and nuzzling into your neck. You couldn’t help but giggle at the affection. One Eye came into the room, chucking something on top of a pre-existing pile crap that you recognised as some of the things the group had left in the lounge. You noticed some cables, spark plug wires from the snowmobiles. He beamed when he noticed you were awake. The morning did feel a lot better, and you were actually excited for the thrill of the chase now.   “Wheres Sawtooth?” You asked, sitting up as Three Finger leaned back. He gestured vaguely towards the door, but you understood. Keeping an eye on the others. As if summoned by your words, Sawtooth walked past the room with a body flung over his shoulders. Three Finger got to his feet and left after him, gurgling to himself. One Eye came and sat by your feet as, fiddling with his fingers in an awkward and shy way. You smiled and crawled to his side, cuddling into him. A sigh of relief left his throat as he pulled you close, apparently afraid you might wake up still annoyed. Three Finger ran back into the room, followed by Sawtooth, now holding a small bundle. A soft grunt told you all that it was time. They were exploring and about to find some unsavoury things. Just as you were about to stay, a grunt drew your attention and the thing Sawtooth was holding was tossed at you. It was wrapped in Porters jacket and you could feel it was the head of someone. Porter or the man who found him, you didn’t know yet. But you felt a swell of pride. Whatever Sawtooth had planned, you were apparently getting a role to play. Disappearing out, you all follow quickly and you started to hear running. The group was split up and agitated. Sawtooth lead you to the auditorium, signalling for his brothers to go up stairs and you to hide behind the black curtains that hid the sides of the stage while the screen was down before he followed his brothers. You managed to hide just in time as they started to funnel in. From what you could gather, they knew one guy was missing, they had seen the blood, they knew you were around somewhere and they needed to get out. Just then, one girl ran in screaming “Theyre gonna kill us all.” The drama queen inside you told you now was the perfect time. You threw the jacket covered object out onto the floor in front of them. “That looks like Porters jacket.” One said. “That is Porters jacket.” The other replied. You peaked around the corner, seeing the black haired girl was approaching it with fear. As she unwrapped the package, you noticed the metal, barbed wire noose that was lowering down from the balcony, a blonde haired girl backing closer to it. Looking up, you saw the brothers had made a pully system. Screams of terror filled the room and during the hysteria, the brothers managed to loop the metal around the girls neck and haul her up. The guy she was with tried to stop her, to help her, but he only made it worse. He grabbed her feet and pulled her down, allowing the metal to saw through her neck with ease at the tension. The rest of the group simply screamed, tried to get out the side doors which were locked. The man lost his grip and slipped back into the puddle of blood, screaming just before she was fully decapitated, her body falling either side of him as the group ran for the main exit. He screamed again before tried to get up but slipped on to the blood again and again before running for the exit after his friends. That was entertaining.   Once clear, you left your hiding spot just as the boys came down. You walked to the edge of the stage, in no real hurry as Sawtooth came up. He came up and gently lifted you down, making you giggle and press a kiss to his cheek. You didn’t want this feud to drive a wedge between you both. But you had no idea if he accepted your little ‘truce’. The four of you went back to the kitchen. The group couldn’t go anywhere anyway. They would either freeze to death outside, or come back in and barricade themselves in one of the offices near the front door. You ended up sitting on the counter while Three Finger carved up the headless body. There was a new sense of peace in the group and you felt whatever tension between you and Sawtooth had mostly disappeared. The boys squabbled as always as Sawtooth tried to take a little more than a snack and Three Finger wasn’t having it. If there was something Three Finger prided himself on, it was being able to strip flesh from bone in a clean way, and it didn’t look clean if Sawtooth kept picking at it. You smiled, but never ate anything raw. You didn’t like it, but the brothers did. Suddenly, you heard running, heading for the lower levels. But you saw Three Finger had heard it too. He threw his cleaver into the meat and ran to follow, scooping up an axe on the way. You considered going with him, till One Eye appeared and took the moment to step in front of where you were sitting and kiss you. But he too left, heading towards where the group must have bunkered down. Probably to torment them a little more. Sawtooth walked in as you had just jumped down, feeling a little lonely. He walked up to the body, about to take another piece but you slapped him hand away with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. He knew you were playing, and simply picked you up and moved you away to grab a bite. You huffed indignantly but he carried you into the chiefs office and sat you down with a strict “stay” gesture before he disappeared too. -------------------

You didn’t hear anything again from the boys until screaming filled the kitchen. You felt a surge of dread while disappeared when you looked out and saw they were tying down one of the guys to the table. You felt a shiver run through your spin because you knew what they were going to do. You didn’t like when they stripped flesh off of someone whos alive. You didn’t like the way they screamed during it, but you help nevertheless. You didn’t let anyone cut the potatoes or onion because you were convinced they would chop off their fingers one day. Three Finger heated up the oil and you brought the cutting board with veg over to the group. Placing it down, you felt One Eye grab your hand, silently asking you to stay, but you shook your head, kissing his cheek to show you didn’t have any issues with them though. You disappeared into the chiefs office, content with reading through the recipe books. You sat for a while, flipping through the books while the screams slowly died down. When they finally seemed to stop, you ventured out, smiling as you entered the kitchen with the boys. One Eye went to smile back at you, but apparently was in the middle of biting down and started to choke. You didn’t noticed straight away as you cleared away a couple of things but then you noticed Three Finger and Sawtooth hitting his back. You were about to panic, when one of Three Fingers knocks made him cough up the chunk and it flew across the table into the oil. Three Finger and One Eye started to cackle just as you were about to laugh when suddenly, someone smashed something red across the back of Sawtooths head. The man then went for one Eye but Sawtooth pushed him passed the table as Three Finger managed to back the man off a bit. Until screaming filled the room. It all happened so quickly. The group ran into the room, screaming and brandishing weapons. In all truth, you didn’t originally move. It was Sawtooth who grabbed you and pushed you to move and run. You didn’t get a chance to think as you raced through the hallway only to have one way blocked off with fire. Down into the cells you were all chased before, somehow, you ended falling into a cell at the dead end. not just any cell, though. The Hillikers original cell. The group slammed the door shut, locking you in. Sawtooth stood with his arms held out in front of his brothers, Three Finger to his left and One Eye to hid right. You were positioned directly behind the three of them. “Lets kill them.” Someone walked up the corridor, the girl who had caused the fire. “yeah, Jenna, lets do it.” The shorter girl with black hair agreed. “wait, wait. We cant just kill them.” The taller girl shook her head, looking confused. “Why the fuck not?” The man snapped. “They killed our friends and theyre gonna kill us then fucking eat us.” “Yeah we’re not them.” The tall black haired girl gestured towards the cell. “Fuck that!” The man turned to the cell, shining the torch in. “look at me. Look. At. Me. Fuck you, you mother fuckers. Im gonna cut your heart out, you mother fuckers. You understand that?” “I didn’t know there was a girl.” The girl with the curly black hair spoke, eyeing you up just before Three Finger stepped in front of you, snapping his jaws at them. “Shes fucking them.” The guy suddenly realised, his eyes darting to the brothers who instantly became more protective of you. “What, is she your sister? Freaks!” “No, she doesn’t look like them.” Another said. “I saw her file. Well, Daniel showed me. She was just dump here by her parents. They, they bonded or something. I dunno. But the file said never leave them all together.” “We aren’t opening that cell again, Sara!” The girl who was with ‘Sara’ shook her head, backing away from the cell. “No, youre right, Bridget.” The man gritted his teeth, turning to the girl with the yellow top. “Go get the other kerosene lantern. We’re gonna roast these fuckers alive.” You felt a new wave of fear run through your veins as the girl took off running. The girl who had spoke out against the idea looked deeply troubled as the man, who was still covered in his girlfriends blood, glared into the cell. One Eye glanced to you, and you could see he was worried. You all were. When she came back, the man started to dump the oil from the lantern through the cell door and onto the floor. All three backed away and you ended up pressed against the furthest wall, Three finger stepping closest to you. he finished and then pulled out a lighter. “Time for a barbecue, fuckers.” He growled at you all. You noticed Sara closed her eyes, seeming as if she was against this idea as well. “Kyle. Don’t do this.” The girl, whos name you think is Kenia, says. “They deserve it.” Kyle turns to the group, apparently sensing that it wasn’t a universal agreement. “Yeah they do, but you don’t.” She steps closer. “Don’t do this to yourself. Give me that lighter. Give me the lighter.” After a tense moment, one which you were sure he would throw the lighter down and set the floor on fire, he flicked it close and shoved the lighter back in his pocket. “Well, what are we gonna do now?” Bridget threw her hands up in the air in annoyance. “We find the spark plug wires, and we leave in the morning. Storm or no storm.” Kenia said before turning to the cell and talking to the four of you. “Where are the spark plug wires?” The wires. Theyre in the chiefs office. You had closed over the door, but would they think to look int here? You didn’t know. No one answered her, One Eye flitting to the other side of the cell. “Basards cant even talk.” Kyle rolls his eyes. “Fine, then we search. Room by room.” Kenia thinks quickly. “Okay but somebody has to watch them.” Jenna nods to you. “I will.” Kyle volunteers and you instantly raise an eye brow. It appeared from Kenias expression, she had the same thoughts as yours because he turned to her. “I wont touch a fucking hair on their head. Okay?” “Okay.” “Just go look for the wires. Send someone back in a couple of hours to relieve me. We’ll take shifts throughout the night.” He rattles off his plan, and apparently everyone silently agrees as thye file out of the room, leaving him. “Hey, you?” Kyle spoke directly to One Eye who was circling back to you, but was curious and paused. “Are you hungry?” You felt sick, knowing this was going to be some sick joke. But One Eye was the most trusting of the three brothers as the man offered him something from a packet. Before you could stop him, One Eye went to the bars but the man hit his hand.

“Fuck you, motherfuckers. You thought I was actually gonna feed you?” Three finger let out a cackle as One Eye back away to you. You instantly looked at his hand, making sure of no damage. Sawtooth growled lowly. “You know im actually gonna kill all four of you, don’t you? I will. Im gonna say I forgot something, then im gonna come back and im gonna kill each and every one of you freaks.” “Piss off.” You hissed, looking up at him. “You- you speak.” He shines the touch at you, so you smirk at him. “Right, you speak. Motherfucker. So, why’d you do it? Huh?” “You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” You walk up to the bars, placing your forehead against the cool metal. “Wheres the sparkplug wires?” He raised the flashlight and shone it into your face. You smiled, and with a half-hearted shrug of the shoulders, you retreated from the cell door. “Just sleep tight.” Kyle snaps at you through the bars. All three of the brothers quickly moved in front of you, making you smile softly at them. You felt dread building in your chest as you struggled to think of something. You walked into the corner off the cell, struggling to breath as you felt the walls closing in on you. You needed to hide the panic you felt from the group. But you hadn’t been down this area since the breakout, and for good reason. Closing your eyes, you tried to calm yourself so you could think straight. Someone rubbed your arms reassuringly and you opened your eyes to see Three Finger standing in front of you. You immediately stepped close to him, resting your forehead on his shoulder as you sought intimacy. He offered you it, almost purring when you cuddle into him and his arms wrapped around you. For a while, he stood with you, calming you down. In truth, Three Finger was the best when you were like this. One Eye would get too worked up and start to panic while Sawtooth was the complete opposite and offered you no sympathy for fear of showing weakness. But Three Finger knew to keep you close and even nuzzled against you. You felt the panic in your chest start to ease, and you were able to think straight. Looking up, you smiled gratefully, but despite his own dorky smile back, you could see he was concerned, and probably scared. Pulling back, you were also grateful that he had manged to position himself to stand directly between you and the bars. He blocked your view of the guy who was now guarding you all, so you glanced past him as saw the man had passed out on the floor. If you could only get out. Looking back to Three Finger, you could see the worry in his eyes, and both One Eye and Sawtooth watched on in concern. In a few hours, you would be burned to death, and they were more worried about you having a stupid panic attack. They had always cared for you more than themselves, even back in the old days, before you all escaped. An idea shot into your mind like lightening. the pin! Suddenly, you grabbed Three Finger and yanked him over to the basin. after they had escaped and freed you, you had found the pin on the ground and decided that it needed to stay down in their old cell, just in case the orderlies managed to get everyone back under control. So you had hidden it. Getting down on your hands and knees, you reached under the pipes, your hands just fitting as you felt the cold metal of the pin. Pulling it out, you turned back and offered the pin to Three Finger. You saw his eyes light up at the sight of it, the very tool which had offered you your freedom all those years ago. his eyes trailed up to you, and he grinned wickedly. You felt your stomach backflip as you smiled, your fears long forgotten as he taken the pin from your hands. Sawtooth and One Eye hadn’t seen the exchange, or what you had given Three Finger, so they watched as Three Finger crept to the bars of the cell. You followed but One Eye reached an arm across you. They wanted to keep you to the back to protect you. taking his hand, you watched anxiously as Three Finger reached through the bars and started to pick the lock. Every little creak made your heart skip a beat as you waited for the man to wake up. But then you heard a ping, and held your breath as Three Finger started to slowly pull the cell door open again. Sawtooth was first out, taking long purposely strides to the sleeping man. He grabbed him by the throat, pushing him against the wall as he dragged him up to eye height. The fear in the mans eyes was undeniable as he realised how badly he had fucked up. Sawtooth raised his fist and with one sharp jab, the man was knocked out. Three Finger cackled menacingly as Sawtooth picked him back and threw him over his shoulder, leading the way out. You all followed, knowing there was no point hanging around here in case they did find the plug and came back to get their friend. Up, through the corridors you went till you came to the kitchen. Three Finger quickly checked around while you made sure the spark plugs were still where one eye had left them. They were. That was lucky. You came out and saw the had laid the guy on one of the tables, about to kill him. “Wait.” You grabbed Three Fingers hand, stopping him from killing the man. “Cut his tongue out.” The boys looked at you, utterly perplexed. You were normally the more docile of the four, wanting someone to have a quick death rather than long and drawn out. “Cut out his tongue and swap your clothes with him.” You looked pointed at Three Finger as you took the knife and made quick work of the last two fingers on the mans hand. Three Finger, not wanting to upset you again, followed your instructions, swapping his clothes as One Eye cut out the mans tongue. you grabbed a bag and cut eye holes in it before pulled it over his head, tying it there just as Three Finger strapped his gloves on the man. Once he was ready, you got them to help you get the man up to the floor with the girls. Leaning him against the wall, you shook him until you felt him start to move of his own accord. Giving him a rough shove in the direction of the room the girls were held up in, you let him stagger to his feet and he quickly began to stumble away, dazed, confused and in pain. the brothers went to go after him but you held out a hand, stopping them. You watched the man turn right at the end of the hall way. You kept your arm up, and they didn’t cross you. You didn’t need to wait long. You heard the girl battle cry’s as he hobble just into sight before he was bought to the ground by the girls. They had mistaken their friend for Three Finger and now, they were screaming as they stabbed him mercilessly in the back. Poor bastard. you felt Sawtooth push against you, asking to go after them, but you refused. They needed to know what they had done. You needed to break them. Three Finger let out a shrill cackle and their attention snapped up to you. With a smirk, you dropped your arm, and the three brothers stepped forward. The girls scrambled to their feet and fled back to their safe place. You expected the boys to go after them, but Sawtooth stopped, looking back to you. You felt a wave of excitement, knowing what this meant. You were coming along. racing to his side, you beamed at him. You expected him to continue and lead his brothers as he always did, but instead he surprised you. Ducking down, he kissed you. You were taken aback. Sawtooth didn’t kiss. he let you kiss him, but it didn’t seem to mean as much as it did to the others. A kiss was a form of affection he wasn’t fond of, mainly because he could easily tear up your lips if he wasn’t carful. He learned that when you were both young and exploring each other. And yet, he kissed you. You wrapped your arms around his neck, locking him in place as you quickly returned the kiss hungrily. Strong arms lifted you up off the ground as if you were as light as a doll. You felt him wrap and arm around your lower back and the other about mid-thigh, holding you tight against his body. Sniggering brought you both out of the moment as his brothers fought to keep their laughter back. Not out of cruelty, but they enjoyed that despite the stone faced brothers approached, he was as much under your spell as they were. He was as much yours as you were his. Giggling, you jumped up slightly to press a kiss to his cheek while the other two headed down the corridor. Something caught his eye in the next room. Before you could ask, Sawtooth went inside and came out with an ice drill. Three Finger cackled, jumping up and down at the new toy. You smirked at Sawtooth, knowing full well that at least one of the girls will meet a painful end at the hands of such a weapon. You stepped aside, bowing comically as you let Sawtooth walk past you and his brothers to lead the next attack. Rounding a corner, Sawtooth heard the running footsteps and the ice drill roared to life, followed by screaming as the girls skidded to run in the opposite direction. they ran for the front door, which had been chained shut during the day. More shrieks as they realised and had to double back on themselves. Suddenly, Sawtooth stopped. He turned to you, giving a single nod towards where the girls were. You understood. Follow them. Darting in front, you ran with silent feet and sensitive hearing. They were heading upstairs, to the attic. You followed them as they ended up stumbling into the room the guys slept in. Your bedroom was in a hidden door off to the side which was locked. And you were thankful. You didn’t want them rummaging through your stuff. The girls found some of the older clothes, pulling them on to keep warm if/when they got outside. This changed the game again. Because now you couldn’t rely on them freezing to death in the current climate. You had to get them before they left the grounds. You kept to the shadows as the girls ran back out the room, through the attic and back down the stairs, towards the east wing. You didn’t follow them the whole way, instead following the drill sound to find the guys. “They went upstairs and found jackets. They’re prepared for going outside.” You ran up, tell the brothers the new information. Sawtooth huffed as you noticed they had pulled on some of their own thick jackets. The ones they had been wearing the night before, so had probably left somewhere in the kitchen area when they came back. One Eye held out your own, which you had kept by the back entrance. Grinning, you kissed his cheek before pulling it on and guided them towards the west wing. One Eye ran ahead to open a door with his shoulder, but it didn’t budge. He rattled the release handle a few times with little avail. “They’ve blocked it.” You mumble, running forward and looking through the window. You couldn’t see anything in the way of the door, so you looked through the small crack between the two door. You saw a thick object connecting the doors. “They’ve jammed something through the handle.” You call over your shoulder to the others. Suddenly, you heard running and just manage to jump out the way as Three Finger’s body collides with the door, falling to the ground. You press your lips together in a harsh line to stop yourself from laughing as you and One Eye look at each other. His amusement did nothing to help your attempts, so you had to raise your hands over your mouth before hearing grunting from Sawtooth. This wasn’t the time for jokes, even if his eyes did betray that he found it rather comical as well. One Eye tried the same body slam, but managed to catch himself without falling. Nothing seemed to budge the door. There was little point in you trying, so you stood to the side as some kind of strange cheerleader. That was, until, Sawtooth walked up to the door. He looked through the window, before walking back and passing the drill to One Eye. He gave himself much more of a run up to the door, and as his mass collided with the door, your noticed it gave a lot more that the previous attempts. And there was a cracking sound. “Its working.” You run up, pushing on the door and seeing it was now moving if only by an inch or so. You stepped back, looking to Sawtooth as he lined himself up again. A second, and third time but it was the fourth that he broke through the door. Three Finger let out a triumphant cackle as the brothers raced through the door, followed by you. Sawtooth took the drill back as they looked in each room, only to find one girl half was out through a burrow in the snow. She ended up crawling back, wiping snow off her face. She didn’t even notice Sawtooth coming up behind her. She didn’t know until the drill was protruding through her stomach as he mangled her insides. The blood sprayed out, only for you to notice one of the girls had climbed back down to try help her. She was pulled back up in a heartbeat before anything could be done. The drill was turned off and the body fell to the floor, lifeless. The brothers, their eyes fixed on the hole, knew where the girls had gone. Three Finger nudged Sawtooth, making a fist with his right hand and mimicking the revving of a motorbike. Sawtooth smirked and nodded as he left the room, you all in tow. “Ill go get the spark plug wires.” You call out, running past the others, knowing it was quicker you going to get them. You ran and grabbed the sparkplug wires before meeting the boys at the door. They now had more weapons, each holding one. Following them outside to the snowmobiles, you handed each of them a plug for each machine except one. You didn’t know how to even begin to wire one up or even drive one. They boys seemed to have a knack at this kind of stuff. “Once this is over, you have to show me how to drive one of these.” You nod to the dormant snowmobile, looking to Sawtooth, who paused for a moment before giving a single nod. Smiling widely, you watched three Finger as he worked. They wired up the machines before revving them to life. Stepping back, you were reluctant to go back inside when you heard Three Finger cackle. You looked at him and he nodded his head to the back of his. you paused, your heart skipping a beat as you prayed you understood him. Glancing to Sawtooth, he gave a single nod and revved the engine, an indicator to hurry up. Smiling, you ran over and swung your leg over the back of Three Fingers snowmobile, locking your arms around his torso. He glanced back at you, making sure you were ready before the other speed off. You cuddled into his back, grinning as the adrenaline from the ride set in. you loved how fast these things could go. They would be a great addition for the days of boredom. Sawtooth followed the girls tracks in the snow, and it didn’t take long to catch up. They circled the girls, getting them worked up. They screamed and cried out, but then Sawtooth signalled for the other to back off. Retreating back, you stood up on the back of the snowmobile to watch what would happen with the shadows in the distance. They couldn’t see you guys, but because they were in the open, you could just make out them. “Theyre splitting up.” You call out, knowing it was best to attack now. Going in for another attack, Three Finger managed to swing and injure one of the girls while Sawtooth grabbed another. You looked up, seeing the girl was struggling too much and started jabbing something into Sawtooths arm. He dropped her, but neglected to notice the incoming low branch. It knocked him right off his snowmobile. One Eye was right behind him, capturing the girl. You and Three Finger went to check on Sawtooth, who stumbled up with a grumble. He fobbed off your calls of concern, rubbing his head before trekking to get his snowmobile. You knew better than to try fuss over him like this. He would just push you away anyways. You would make sure to check him over once his ego isn’t as bruised. Hearing screaming, you look up and see One Eye had got the girl. Getting off Three fingers, you raced over to see what One Eye was doing. Three Finger sped off, in search of another victim. You saw the blood coming out the end of the bike as he looked up at you, waiting for something. “Well done. That’s really inventive.” You smile as the girls scream become weaker then stop entirely when the snowmobile dropped. One Eye beams at you before looking away shyly. Walking through the snow, you reach up and guide his face towards your own before kissing him, deeply. He melt against your kiss, whining slightly as he reached up, cupping your cheek. You were interrupted when you heard a female voice crying out. Heads snapping to the side, you saw one girl running through the snow. One Eye cut a rope on the back before scooped you up and put you on the back of his snowmobile, revving it and racing away. You wrapped your arms around his torso, holding on tightly.

 ------------time skip -------------

 You awoke, well rested and refreshed. Trudging through the hallways, you couldn’t help but feel happy and content. Three Finger appeared, grinning as he grabbed your hand and started to drag you to the front door, where you saw the truck was now out front. Along with a sulking One Eye. Frowning, you notice the bruising starting to appear on his left eye. Racing out the front door, without a jacket, you were in front of him before he knew it, cupping his cheek and looking at the injury. One Eye smiled, ducking his head a little out of embarrassment. He must have gotten hurt chasing the girls when you and Three Finger had come home last night, after you had rode for a bit with Sawtooth of course. Speaking of which, Sawtooth grunted, signalling to the truck as he climbed on the back with the crane part. One Eye stole a quick kiss before you all headed to the truck.  You took pride of place in the front beside Three Finger, which was already nice and warm. You didn’t know where you were driving to, but Three Finger apparently did as, after about 10 minutes, he pulled up beside a bank of snow. Looking out, you saw two bodies, decapitated. They hadn’t got away. Stepping out the truck, you climbed up on the rear wheel to see the brothers in the back of the truck while Three Finger retrieved the heads of the bodies. They didn’t even see the two snowballs you had in your hand until Three Finger had thrown the heads and bodies in the back and got back into the cab. You took the opportunity to hurl the snow at both One Eye and Sawtooth before diving back into the cab and locked the doors. Three Finger cackled as Sawtooth banged on the rear window. You smiled innocently at him, but you felt the sudden dread that you would soon have to get out the cab. “I don’t think I’ll be getting those lessons today.” You giggled as you glanced out the rear window. Three Finger cackled before driving away. You slipped closer to him, cuddling into his side as he drove.

[cryptocism]

ive been scrolling through ur blog for a while (cuz ur dc opinions are Top Fucking Notch) and i saw what you said abt bart in tt 03 and f:fma and while i totally agree (it killed tt 03 for me lol) im super curious abt how youd do his development if given the opportunity?

I’ve been thinking about this one like A Lot so buckle up this is long: 

it would kind of depend? On whether or not he’d be in an ensemble team like Teen Titans or with his own solo series. 

I understand metatextually why he became Kid Flash in TT, since they needed him to be more mature and a more recognizable character and having him upgrade costumes/codenames is a good shortcut for both. But I’ve already talked about why it didn’t sit right with me. 

So, lets flip the script a little bit - the start of TT would be largely the same. Our boy Bart is on the new Titans team, and things are kind of awkward after YJ disbanded, also Max is gone and Bart’s relationship with Wally is still not doing great. Things are rough, Bart has newfound doubts to deal with, especially now that the world seems to have gotten harsher and everyone seems to have a lot less patience to deal with him. The pressure to be more mature and a recognizable character is coming from other characters now rather than an authorial need: he’s reminded to take things seriously, or that he should know better by now, that he needs to slow down and think more. So Bart decides a change is necessary, and we get the library scene. He reads all the books, he reappears as Kid Flash, saves Tim via bullet catch, disassembles a gun, takes down Slade, etc. etc. Here’s my departure from canon though: it doesn’t work. 

Kid Flash is not a solution, or a magical cure for immaturity. Reading a whole library so he’s miraculously smarter and more mature and capable is, at its core, a pretty naive conclusion. And it makes sense he would think that. But it doesn’t work. He’s still impulsive, distractible, hasty. He can’t put a lid on his own sense of humor. People still think he’s annoying or lazy or careless. And he keeps trying - he knows all this stuff now, he read a whole library! - but he’s still apparently too much the same person as he's always been. And even though he’s trying very hard to live up to the Kid Flash name, it still doesn’t feel like him. Wally doesn’t like it, since Bart is literally just imitating him now, which makes things between the two even worse. And Bart keeps worrying about what’s supposed to come afterwards, since “Kid Flash” is inherently temporary, and while Impulse was only peripherally related to the flash legacy, Kid Flash comes with expectations. 

Bart is trying very very hard to be ‘grown up’ and ‘mature’, but he hasn’t actually learned anything other than a bunch of facts (which are still useful, but) he’s just trying to be who everyone expects him to be. 

And this is what i mean about the ensemble thing, because this arc would be in conversation with the rest of the core four, who are also trying very hard to be people they’re not, but all in different ways. Bart obviously with the codename change, but Cassie, Tim, and Kon all have similar issues, they’re all trying to imitate people. 

Tim is doing his Batman jr. routine, reverting back to the persona he had at the start of YJ. He’s cagey and mysterious and does questionable things without telling anybody, because he’s de-facto leader of the team again, and he has to be better than he is. No more kid stuff, the Titans are serious, he has to treat it like a job, not like a sleepover. And this whole act is putting distance between him and his friends. 

Cassie is trying her hardest to put herself in a support role. Donna’s gone and she has some big shoes to fill (she and Tim could probably bond about that if he weren’t stubbornly trying to brood at all hours of the day) and she’s doing her best to just Be Donna. Cassie and Tim would work better with their team roles swapped, and they both sort of know this - Cassie is naturally charismatic, thinks on her feet, can maintain good PR, and when she’s confident in herself is great at leading. Tim is partial to planning ahead, secrets, and keeping in the shadows, and is better at being a confidant and emotional problem solver among the team (when he allows himself to be open among friends, that is). 

But they’re both trying to fit themselves into what they see as pre-ordained roles: Robin is leader, Wondergirl is a supportive mediator. But Cassie’s got a temper and little patience for people being idiots, and Tim’s not predisposed to spotlights. 

Kon on the other hand has a story that’s less about who he should be and more who he shouldn’t be. The Lex Luthor dad storyline is here (minus the mind control shit, although the threat of it is still brought up) and Kon is doing his level best to do nothing that could be interpreted as something Lex might do. While everyone is doing their best to Not be their own person, Kon has no idea if he ever was his own person. He’s questioning everything he does, wondering if it’s some kind of evil gene showing through when he’s angry or petty or selfish. He’s going through lots of clone angst. 

So they’re all dealing with expectations and who they are or aren’t supposed to be, trying to fit themselves into boxes that don’t suit them and then convincing themselves that this is how it ought to be. Kon ought to avoid feeling or acting in any negative light because any sign of Luthor is a sign of evil, Cassie ought to tone herself down and act like Donna, Tim ought to step up and lead the team and act like Dick, and Bart ought to listen better and be smarter and slow down and grow up and do his level best to just Be Wally. 

Throughout the issues they’d all get a spotlight on their various crises, taking them through complimenting character arcs. Kon would realize through a couple close encounters and chats with ma and pa and talks with his friends and citizens of metropolis that nobody is all good or all bad. Clark can be a real asshole sometimes and Luthor’s actually done a fair bit of good (usually in his own interests, but still we’re gunning for nuance). Turns out he doesn’t have a dark side to be tempted by, he was made from 50% complex person and 50% complex person, just like everyone else. Which means he isn’t destined to be the next Superman, or Superman’s next supervillain. He’s just like, a person. With his own thoughts and feelings that have nothing to do with genetics. 

Tim would wear himself out and hide it from everybody until he killed himself, but it’s only when he sees Cassie also wearing herself out too that his ‘somebody needs somebody’ instincts kick in and they’re actually able to talk about how miserable they both are. Through some trial and error they’re able to figure out a good co-leader system for leading the team, having each other’s backs along the way, which allows for them both being able to help out the other members of their team with their own shit i.e. Kon and Bart’s identity issues. 

Bart is, like Cassie and Tim, wearing himself out trying to be this perfect version of Wally that never actually existed. He actually hates the recognition the new name gives him, because people have expectations for him now, ones he can never seem to live up to. He’s bad at following orders still, which makes him a pretty shit sidekick for Wally, in fact he’s just pretty shit at being a sidekick in general. But, he reasons, he’s supposed to be grown up and responsible now, and responsibility is all about doing shit you hate until you die, so he’s probably on the right track. 

It’s only later, once he gets some support from his friends, who help him deal with things like Max and YJ disbanding and stuff that he’s able to actually sit down and have a heart-to-heart with Wally. Wally confesses that he understands the pressure to live up to a legacy, and how he did his best to just Be Barry when he became the flash. In fact while Bart was trying to live up to Wally and be a good sidekick, Wally was trying to live up to Barry and be a good mentor. Wally’s the one to tell him that Bart’s always done his own thing, and is at his best when he does. They both agree they suck as partners, but maybe they should’ve tried to be family first. And there’s probably a racing metaphor in there somewhere because speedsters love their racing metaphors. 

ANyway Bart returns to Impulse, forging a new path, getting along better with Wally now and hanging out with him just as civilians with no pretense. He learns some valuable lessons about how maturity can’t be learned in a book, and that he’ll get it himself the more he lives and learns from experience. The Titans all get along better now that they’re all sure of their places in the group, and they can all go on just being themselves without worrying about expectations or roles to fill or whatever. 

...If Bart still had his solo series instead though, id actually want it to go in a sort of different direction? The thing about living up to predecessors and trying to be some ideal version of another person works well for the Titans because they can all deal with a similar issue in different ways, but I think it would also be interesting to do the complete opposite. 

Lots of shitty things happened in very quick succession in Bart’s life that he had no control over: Max’s disappearance, having to move in with Jay and Joan (who are nice, but whom he barely knows,) leaving his friends in Alabama, Young Justice breaking up… Basically, things kind of suck for Bart, and all he wants is for them to go back to the way they were. Instead of trying to be grown up or mature or whatever, Bart is resisting every single encroaching thing about coming adulthood. Because all growing up ever seems to mean is that everything changes and either you have to leave the people you love or they have to leave you. 

So this series would focus mostly on that, both in his civilian life; going into high school, not knowing anybody, the few friends he does make are less interested in ‘kid stuff’ and more focused on dating and interpersonal drama, high school itself seems to be geared entirely toward the “what are you going to do with your life” question, when he visits his old friends back in manchester, they’ve all kind of grown up without him. And in hero life; everyone from Young Justice is trying to move on and not talking to each other, his father figure and mentor is gone and he's not really jiving well with the rest of the flash family, and people just seem to have less patience for Impulse now that he’s older. 

Growing up is hard. It’s hard and no one understands. Especially not when you’re also a superhero and have dealt with some quality trauma like losing loved ones and feeling yourself die. So it makes sense that Bart would resist that in every way possible, do his best to pretend like everything is still how it used to be, for once in his life just trying to make everything stay put. He refuses to get rid of his old stuff, he doesn’t want to treat any villainous threats seriously, people in school keep talking about college and jobs and tuition fees and Bart wants none of that, he acts out, refuses responsibility, gets reckless under the pretense that he never used to have to be cautious. 

And this is the part where I’d bring in Inertia, cause Thad was robbed and I want him to have an actual arc that doesn’t end with infant-splosion. Also he can have a good ol companion arc to Bart. Welcome to foils everybody, where two identical boys with opposing life experiences get to thematically compare and contrast with each other as they deal with the trials and tribulations of growing up. 

So, I’m ignoring every appearance Thad ever made after Impulse 1995, picking up instead where his story left off where he swore vengeance on his creators and disappeared into the speed force. And he’s off to do exactly what he said; Thad Thawne II is going to kill his namesake/grandfather/creator - the president of Earthgov. 

But, turns out assassinating the president of a whole fucking planet is a lot harder than he thought - Thad has planned extensively for every moment of his life, so once he starts going off script things predictably go a little off the fuckin rails. Thad fails, obviously. For one because despite how much President Thawne might deserve to die, Thad at this point hasn’t done anything worse than attempted murder, and making him a killer would put a wrench in any kind of redemption arc he could have. Also he’s acting on rage, in a highly emotional state, basically going up against the entire government. Of course he’s going to get caught by the science police and brought into custody. 

Bart, meanwhile is jumping with both feet into any kind of escapism he can find, which involves various time travel shenanigans and lands him in the 30th century. He gets to reunite however briefly with his mom, but the mission he had gets derailed by the appearance of Inertia. 

Every time Bart and President Thawne interact, the president always seems to make a bid to sway Bart to the Thawne side. This never works, which is part of the reason Inertia exists in the first place; a version of Bart that the president could control. When Inertia landed in the 30th century, hell bent on assassinating his creator, the President subdued him and eventually coerced him back over to the Thawne side of the family feud. No longer a rogue agent, Inertia is back to his old self, all about destroying Bart and the rest of the Allens. 

They have a battle, taking place all over the 30th century city, and Bart does his best but Inertia has the entire Earthgov police force on his side, and Bart eventually gets captured. He gets taken to some kind of holding facility, meets with the President who monologues as him while Inertia stands beside him like a good lackey. Then suddenly the speed-inhibiting cuffs or whatever Inertia had put on Bart to stop his speed malfunctions, and Inertia drops the act, now Impulse and Inertia working together to take down the Earthgov people holding them there. 

Turns out as soon as Inertia knew he couldn’t take out the president, what with all the military force President Thawne had on his side, he bided his time until he could. He uses Bart’s help to finally get President Thawne cornered, and the assassination plan is back on track. Except now Bart is the thing stopping him. He makes the argument about how murder bad. Heroes don’t kill, etc. Inertia insists he isn’t a hero. But Bart reminds him that that’s not how Max saw him. 

Inertia hesitates just enough that President Thawne is able to get away, and now the two of them have to make an escape attempt back to the past. Bart insists on trying to take Meloni with them, and they try but ultimately fail somehow (maybe someone has to stay behind to make sure they can make the trip safely, idk. At first Thad is willing to stay behind, since there’s nothing really for him in the past. But Meloni knows that President Thawne would destroy him if he did, and she can’t let harm come to either of her sons - and she does consider Thad her son, just like Bart. She’s had far too little time with either of them, but she loves them all the same. She tells them to take care of each other, and is the first to encourage them to be like, actual brothers.) 

After yet another tearful goodbye, Bart swearing he’ll find a way for them to all be together again, Bart and Thad go back. And they do end up having to lean on each other, because shit’s tough for the both of them. Thad initially wants to apologize and possibly reunite with Max and Helen, and then finds out Max is gone. And Bart has someone who understands exactly what he’s going through. 

Things get a little more lighthearted from here. Bart and Thad don’t get along well at first, since they’re both going through rough times and lots of changes and their first instincts are to lash out at each other. But eventually they form a sort of camaraderie through shared grief, then shared fish-out-of-water experiences. Which evolves into shared inside jokes and video games and comic books and they become slow but steady friends. 

They upgrade into brothers when Bart defends Thad against the repeated (and not entirely undeserved) suspicion he receives from the rest of the Flash family. Jay and Joan take him in, but it’s clear they don’t trust him, and neither does Wally. Bart stands up for Thad, arguing that he’s as much of a Thawne as Thad is, and treating Thad like he’s the next Cobalt Blue is just going to ensure that history never changes and stupid family feuds are forever. After this, Thad starts trusting Bart a little more, and kind of solves Bart’s problems regarding encroaching adulthood with his friendship. Neither of them really had a childhood, and Thad hasn’t experienced 21st century life at all, much less the societal expectations to grow up. So Bart gets to have fun again, and Thad won't judge any of his games or his books or his attitude or interests for being childish or lame because he’s fascinated by the experience of anything regardless of the target audience. 

And from there it's a series about these two becoming brothers and growing up and the different lessons they learn and wacky characters they meet along the way. Thad ironically also puts Bart in a position where he has to take on more responsibility, since even though Thad can imitate heroic actions and is actually pretty good at it, he doesn’t understand what makes them heroic. Bart has to draw on a lot of the things Max taught him and now has to teach them to Thad. 

There’s crossover comics with Superboy, where Bart laments about having to deal with grown up stuff, and Kon gives him a new perspective on the whole “being young forever” thing, since that was a reality Kon actually had to deal with and it sucked. 

Through various misadventures they meet new and familiar characters to give them different perspectives on the whole passage of time thing. Villains who despise children or childish things, villains who embrace it but probably too much. People who talk about growing up as the worst time of their lives, others talking about it like it was the best. Kids and adults alike trying to force Bart and Thad to act a certain way while treating them another. 

The two of them come to opposing conclusions about this; Thad wants to embrace change completely, partly because he wants to experience firsthand all that life has to offer, but also his worldview depends on believing that anyone can change, and anyone can be better, because he has to believe he can be redeemed for all the shitty stuff he did. Bart, on the other hand, knows his life isn’t perfect but thinks, based on recent events, that it’s all just going to get worse from here, and so resists change as much as possible. 

Thad, in his haste to experience everything, sometimes ends up going too far, either burning both of them out, or pushing them into situations that they’re not ready for or are ill-equipped to handle. Bart, on the other hand is so resistant to change or responsibility that he stops them from doing actual necessary things like planning their futures or doing chores or making new friends. This acts as the crux for their main conflict that slowly builds throughout the series, and then in a finale to the arc, they both figure out a way to get Meloni back to the past, and to raise some stakes they have a falling out in the middle of the mission about it. 

Bart accuses Thad of trying to leave him behind, or trying to be the better version of him again, and that old insecurity about Thad replacing him crops up. Thad thinks Bart just can’t handle anything outside his personal bubble and wants to force him to live in the real world. Plus he also feels kind of abandoned by Bart, who often would leave Thad to do the scary adult things on his own. 

Tensions still high, there's suddenly an external threat to deal with - probably president thawne and the science police - and they attempt to continue arguing even while fighting the president. I’m making this up as I go so lets say yada yada big climactic moment it's looking like the two might fail to get Meloni back and they’re both still angry with each other and Bart just… can’t take it anymore. 

He keeps losing people, and the ones he keeps he always seems to screw up with. And at the end of the day he’s just a kid who wants his mom. Is that really so much to ask? So there’s a reversal, a parallel, if you will, of the assassination attempt from the beginning of the series, this time with Bart. Or, because I don’t think many people would buy that Bart would actually ever for real kill someone, maybe he’s finally about to get his mom back, but she doesn’t want to go (since she made that deal with the president that he wouldn’t harm anyone of the Allen family so long as she stayed with him) so he’s trying to force her, risking the lives/well-being of the entire Allen bloodline across all of time. 

This time it’s Thad who has to talk him down, who has to remind him about being a hero, who has to remind him that trying to go back to some magical time in the past where things were better is just going to stop him from learning and growing as a person, and that doing anything and everything possible to get there is just going to lead to Bart doing something he Actually Can’t walk back from. 

Alright but here’s the thing because having Bart be forced to leave his mom again for like the billionth time is tired and overdone, and personally the whole message about heroics involving extreme and damaging amounts of sacrifice can only go so far. So here; Thad and Bart are both right. 

Like on the one hand, yeah, it’s childish and selfish for Bart to want to be with his mom at the expense of literally everyone else in his family. On the other hand, the fact that they can’t be together because some asshole is upholding a stupid grudge is bad and unfair and wrong. The issue needing to be fixed is not the kid who wants his mom, it’s the jackass keeping them apart (and who also wants to kill/imprison people). So Bart convinces Thad that they have to save Meloni, and Thad convinces Bart that there has to be another way - one where they get their mom back and the Allens don’t have to be hunted. 

The whole story would be leading up to the two of them coming to this conclusion; the healthy middle between the two extremes. Where they have the maturity to plan ahead and sort through their differences and figure out the best course of action with the least amount of collateral, but they don’t let go of that adolescent need for justice and fairness - that thing that makes you dig in your heels and say “no. That’s not fair, that’s not right.” 

SO here’s where I’d put the title card: “Bartholomew and Thaddeus Take Down The Government”. How do they do it? No idea! I’m flyin by the seat of my pants here! Do they run for office? Do they publicize the president’s crimes in such a way he gotta go to jail? Do they somehow turn public opinion against him enough to get him out of office? idk!!! And I don’t remember enough about Earthgov’s political situation to put an accurate read on what exactly they might do to disrupt it. 

Either way they don’t kill him, manage to free their mom, and they all go back to the past together. And a new arc would involve the three of them getting settled in the past; Meloni would be a main character now, and hers is a two-pronged fish out of water story where she’s trying to figure out how shit works in the past, with overtones of the struggles of being a single parent. 

And... I’m not going to say any more about that because this is long enough already oof. 

TL;DR I think a coming of age story would be cool for Bart, and having to deal with growing up when he never really had a childhood. Also the comic itself would be aimed at younger audiences, who can probably relate to having a Bad Time in the Teens and wacky hijinks with friends and siblings.

[thestuckylibrary]

Group Ask 157

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Anon 1 said:

Alrighty I’ve gone through it all but I cannot find this fic! Please help... Bucky is getting his mission from Pierce when the transmission fails or something and he thinks he is told to kiss captain America. So he finds him on the bridge during winter soldier and does just that! Been looking forever. Love your blog btw!

Anon sent in Kiss, Marry, Kill* by Starshot (oneshot | 9,311 | M) *tagged for major character death but it’s not Steve or Bucky

Anon 2 said:

Okay, so there's this really cute one which I read a couple months ago but lost. I remember that it starts before catfa where they're both at a park and steve makes like a flower crown or something for bucky but bucky's scared that someone will see. And it kinda just goes on till after catws and it's just bucky trying to find the right word to describe steve (ie a dork). Steve is basically a huge dork. Thank you!!!

Anon 3 said:

Hi, I think Tumblr ate my last ask. I’m looking for a fic. I remember it was on AO3 and it was illustrated. Steve and Bucky live together and Steve sometimes goes out on missions. Steve gives Bucky a wraparound dress at some point, and Bucky bakes banana bread but burns it. Later, Bucky crawls to lie under the coffee table because he feels down. When Steve asks to join him, Bucky asks for the password and Steve says “Steve loves Bucky?” And Bucky’s like “gross no” but Steve winds up there anyway

Anon sent in kept on the wing by yasgorl (restricted, oneshot | 17,297| E)

Anon 4 said:

There was a shrunkyclunks fic with nurse/doctor Bucky where Steve had left him in the middle of the night and left a note and Bucky is really pissed off about it because his father abandoned his family in kind of the same way?

bidibidibo said:

Hello I looking for a fic, I read it a while ago but I lost the bookmark I guess. Ok, While Bucky recovering he little bit stays away from Steve and Steve is ok with that. One winter day Bucky visits Steve's home which has a special one of Stark lock but it easily opens for Bucky. Steve shows his drawings,they made love that night and in the morning other avengers comes to Steve's home and they all had big breakfast. Just a domestic fic but I cant find it anywhere 😭

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captainsso18 said:

Hi! I’m looking for a post-ca:cw fic. Bucky went into cryo and Steve stayed in Wakanda in one of the villages. He got his own small hut and started to learn the language and fish and become part of the village? I remember he gets sick after drinking the water the first time and then gets used to it. People are wary of him at first but then warm up to him. Bucky comes out of cryo later on and sees how much Steve fits in and starts to learn the language as well. Anyone know which fic this is?

Anon 5 said:

hi I'm looking for a short fic that was from Buckys pov I'm pretty sure and either Steve or Bucky made pancakes and they cuddled at the end? Bucky talks like Steve's his religion and the fic is really descriptive? i cant remember much other than that. ty

Anon 6 said:

i’ve looked & looked for this fic. i think it’d have a ‘voice kink’ or ‘bottom steve rogers’ tag on a03 but it’s a modern day fic where bucky is posing nude for steve to draw/paint him & bucky ends up dirty talking, describing all the things he wants to do to steve. he kind of acts it out w/ moaning (etc) but w/o ever touching steve (and steve comes untouched). there was a lot of dirty talk and a possible praise kink but i can’t fully remember. thanks in advance!

vicstitches said:

Hi sorry to bother you but I just lost a fiction and can't find it it had Bucky hiding in the tower and was called the phantom bit then Steve gets hurt and he helps him with a night mare sorry if it's vage but I really liked the story

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Anon 7 said:

Hey I'm looking for a sugar daddy steve fanfic. He was a cop and so was Sam at some point they took some fake ID's. And Bucky had a job as a bouncer or something along those lines. Bucky became friends with Peter as well. Please help!!

Anon 8 said:

Hey guys, you do a marvelous job here and I love this blog so much, I'm looking for a fic where steve was supposed to kill tchalla to get to bucky, but he couldn't since Sam and tchalla were together and he couldn't do that to sam? It's very vague but I've been looking for this a long time! Thanks in advance!

Anon 9 said:

hi! i've looked all over and cannot figure out if this fic was a fever dream or not. all i remember is that bucky is in france, i think with steve as his carer? i'm pretty sure they're in 'le crotoy' in northern france? thanks for any help!!!

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Anon 10 said:

So I'm looking for a fic that wasn't really that long but it was focused on Steve being away while he served in the military and some of the howlies were part of his unit. They would swap stories of their partners and the entire time they thought Bucky was a woman until they landed back home and saw that Bucky was actually a man. It's driving me crazy not being able to find it!

Anon 11 said:

hey this one is super vague so don't worry if you can't find it!! I once read a fic that was set post tws, a recovery fic where a major plot point was the bucky didn't know what dreams were. he was having them for the first time now that cryo was out of the picture, etc. and i remember steve and nat were in it. again, sorry for the ambiguity!

Anon 12 said:

Hi! I've been looking for a fic where Bucky and Steve are living together, and Bucky is working on recovering. There's a specific moment where they invite the other Avengers for either Christmas or Thanksgiving? And Bucky writes everyone letters as a gift and Steve draws them bracelets around their wrists. It was a pretty long fic too and I can't seem to find it in my bookmarks. Thanks!

[let-it-raines]

Catch Me If You Can (15/?)

298 days. That’s how long Killian Jones was away from a baseball field. It’s less than a year, only part of a season for him, but it might as well have lasted a decade as he alternated between physical therapy and spending an excessive amount of time sitting on his couch.

But then he came back and won the World Series.

It’s something no one saw coming, and it’s certainly not something anyone who knows about his arm would predict. Now it’s a new season with new possibilities, and anything could happen. On-field reporter Emma Swan will be there to cover it all even if she is not his biggest fan right now.

Asking her out live on-air will do that.

Rating: Mature

A/n: I’m currently writing the last official chapter of this story. How weird is that? I can’t believe it either...which is probably why it’s taking me forever to figure out the perfect way to end this story. Thanks to @resident-of-storybrooke for killing her eyes to read all of the words in this story 🥰

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

Tumblr: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 |15 |

Tag list: @xellewoods @galaxyzxstark @eala-captian @mariakov81 @ultraluckycatnd @royalswan @shey-starsfury @sals86 @iam2307 @ashley-knightingale @karenfrommisthaven @scientificapricot @captswanis4vr @ultimiflos @jamif @idristardis @nikkiemms @resident-of-storybrooke @tiganasummertree @bmbbcs4evr @onceuponaprincessworld @jennjenn615 @mayquita @captainsjedi @teamhook @notoriouscs @kmomof4 @ekr032-blog-blog @cs-forlife @andiirivera @jonirobinson64 @qualitycoffeethings @thejollyroger-writer

-/-

When Emma wakes up, she rolls over on her mattress and buries her face further into her pillow, kicking some of the extra throw pillows off the bed and wondering why the hell she has so many things that look cute but cannot be comfortably slept with.

Seriously.

This is all TJ Maxx’s fault, and she’d like to damn whoever decided to put a store in seven blocks from her apartment. She shouldn’t even go inside, but she does. Every. Single. Time.

(So maybe it’s a little bit her fault too.)

Finally, she finds a spot that’s comfortable, her eyes shutting and her body calming down into the softness of the mattress so that she can fall back asleep when her phone starts blaring, her alarm vibrating across the top of her bedside table, and for a moment, she considers throwing her phone out the window so that she never has to get up from bed.

She’ll get fired from her job. And probably die from bed sores or something else equally as dramatic.

It’s the first thought that has her rolling over and turning the alarm off, the shrill blaring sound going away, and her eyes have to squint at the bright light to recognize that it’s seven in the morning and she does actually have to get up for work right now.

Her job is great, but she doesn’t get weekends off like normal people. And noon games are her actual worst nightmare.

Today is a noon game. She’s also got that dinner with David, Mary Margaret, and Ruth, and she’s unnaturally nervous about it as she almost always is when it comes to Ruth.

Like a zombie, she rises from her bed and shuffles into the bathroom before making her way out to the kitchen, adjusting her shorts and the sweatshirt that she’s wearing as she stumbles into the kitchen, the smell of coffee already filling her nostrils.

“Bless you,” she mumbles to Ruby who is sitting at their kitchen table with a mug already in hand before she fixes herself her own cup, not even bothering for it to cool down much more before she takes a large sip. If only caffeine worked right away. That would be the dream. “Why do you already look so put together?”

“I always look put together.”

“Liar.”

“I couldn’t sleep last night, and when I woke up, I just kind of got up, I guess. And now I’m sitting here dying inside. At least I don’t look like I’m dying. A family of birds could live in your hair.”

“That is not true.”

“It is. Have you looked at yourself this morning?”

“Yes,” Emma lies, taking another sip of her coffee. She most definitely didn’t when she was in the bathroom, but as long as her tits aren’t showing, she doesn’t really care what she looks like at home. “And I haven’t gotten ready yet. I’ll look nicer for the game.”

“I would hope so. I don’t think that they let reporters not brush their hair and roll out onto the field in sweatshirts. Where’d you get that, by the way? I don’t recognize it.”

And while she may be half asleep and her coffee might not have an instantaneous effect, she knows that she fucked up.

She’s wearing Killian’s Vanderbilt sweatshirt. The one she keeps stealing. She’s had it in her possession for two weeks now, ever since Toronto and the morning after they slept together, and she’s been sleeping in it because it’s comfortable and kind of smells like Killian.

It definitely smells like Killian.

And Ruby can see her wearing it.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, no, no, no.

It’s instinct to cross her arms over her chest in an attempt to cover up the faded words all the while she tries to come up with some kind of excuse. She’s not sure that she’s ready for their friends to know about the relationship yet. A part of her definitely wants to say something, but she and Killian probably need to talk about it first.

But what if it somehow gets out past that?

What if someone besides their friends and family know? It’s too soon. It’s all too soon for that, and she just can’t right now. It’s the middle of the season, so much time left in front of them, and she can’t let anything jeopardize her career.

Emma has no idea what to do, and she’s terrified of everything crumbling beneath her.

This is the happiest she’s ever been in a relationship, and the repercussions…she doesn’t even want to imagine them.

“Uh, um,” she stutters to Ruby, making sure that her face isn’t giving away her lie, “I’m not sure. I must have swiped it from David’s house one day. You know how he’s always got sweatshirts from all over the place.”

Ruby’s eyes squint at her from over her coffee mug, and it takes everything in Emma not to bounce off the balls of her feet. All in all, it was a pretty good lie because David most definitely does have all kinds of sweatshirts from different professional teams and colleges, but this is not David’s sweatshirt.

How could she have been so careless?

Ruby is so damn observant, but there’s no way she can make the connection over a sweatshirt, right?

“I need to steal some stuff from him,” she finally sighs, going back to her coffee. “It looks so much comfier than the things Graham has. I swear, if it’s a scratchy material, he buys it.”

“At least it looks nice on him.”

“This is true, my friend. His clothes do fit him well, but you know I much prefer him without any.”

There’s a knock on the wall that’s connected to Ruby and Graham’s bedroom. “I can hear the two of you, and sweetheart, it’s too early for you to be making sex jokes about me to Emma.”

Emma has to put her coffee mug down on the countertop as she laughs, the giggles stemming from deep in her stomach. Graham is the best and usually goes along for Ruby’s antics, but sometimes it’s too damn funny when he’s asking her to stop talking.

Definitely an opposites attract pair, but they work. Really well, actually. Emma keeps waiting for Graham to tell her that he’s going to propose to Ruby, but it hasn’t happened yet.

She should probably get her own place if it does. How weird is it to live with a married couple? Like, an eight on a scale of ten? Maybe a little less when rent is so high. But definitely at least a five.

“I love you,” Ruby shouts back, knocking on the wall three times.

Graham simply knocks three times in response.

“You two are ridiculous.”

“I know, but I like to think that I bring out the ridiculous in everyone.”

“You do. What time do you want to leave for work?”

Ruby hums as she taps her chin with her perfectly manicured nail. “In an hour and a half?”

“Perfect.”

-/-

Late June in the Bronx is basically a blazing hellfire, and Emma keeps sneaking into the air-conditioned press box every chance she gets only to be sent back outside to do an interview with a player or a coach or even a kid who caught a foul ball. It’s a little ridiculous, but it’s her job so she sucks it up.

At least she’s not wearing a full-blown uniform and exercising like all of the guys are. Most of them are soaked in sweat, even the ones simply sitting in the dugout, and she does not envy them at all.

All she really envies right now are people taking a cold shower.

It’s late June. She doesn’t even want to imagine what it’s going to be like in August or September.

Killian throws another ball, and then there’s a smack of bat against ball and a white and red blur that shoots out into right field only for John Little to catch it, ending the top of the third inning and Killian’s time on the mound today. They’re all leaving for London in five days, and Al has expressly stated that they are not screwing up Killian’s arm for a game where so many people are going to be watching.

She knows that it’s more because they’re playing the Red Sox than anything else, but she doesn’t mind preserving Killian’s arm when they can. His pitches haven’t been averaging quite as fast as they usually are, but she figures it’s probably a tactical change. She’ll have to ask him about that in the locker room later.

The next two hours seem to idle by, nothing too exciting happening, and when the game is over, she moves from her press spot, flashing her ID to the guard in front of the entrance to the tunnels, and makes her way through the hallways she knows like the back of her hand until she’s in the clubhouse with Jeff following right behind her. It’s loud in there, cheers and yelling and celebrations over their win, and it takes her ten minutes before she can even get someone to talk to her, other reporters pretty much taking up everyone’s time as all of the players move into various states of undress.

“Don’t you ever get tired of talking to us?” Will asks with a cheeky grin as he brushes sweat off of his buzzed hair. “I mean, damn. I get tired of talking to us, and I actually think you may be around more than me.”

She chuckles, unable to help herself. She’s always loved Scarlet’s dry sense of humor, and he’s nearly as easy to talk to as Killian or Robin or even Eric. “To you, most definitely. But I have my favorites on the team that I like.”

“Doc? King? Locksley? Fisher? Jones? Whale? I could go all day.”

“I can’t tell you,” she teases, messing with her microphone in her hand. “You want to answer some questions for me today?”

“As long as it’s not about me getting engaged, I’m perfectly fine with that.”

“You’re engaged?” Emma gasps, covering her mouth with her hand. “That’s so exciting! How did I miss that?”

“I have no idea since you talk to my girlfriend on Instagram.”

“Technically she’s your fiancée now.”

Will smiles at that a soft little thing that’s so unlike him and yet entirely him, and it makes her smile to herself. Will and Belle are getting married. That’s wonderful, but she did tell him she wasn’t going to ask about any of it, so she doesn’t, sticking to game stats and assessments and asking how he feels about their upcoming series in London. It’s the same with everyone she talks to, and after twenty minutes in there talking and chatting, she’s finished with her work and starts undoing all of the cords attached to her as Jeff turns off his camera and walks ahead of her as they leave the room.

But then there’s a strong grip around her wrist, and she’s being pulled away and down the hallway to what is a storage locker. If she didn’t know that it was Killian tugging her along, she’d assume she was being murdered.

She still could be and boy would that be a plot twist.

“What the hell?” she gasps out on a broken breath as the door closes behind her and all she can see is Killian’s face and shower-damp hair and a shelf full of cleaning supplies that make the entire room smell like bleach. “Why are you pulling me off into storage closets?”

He smiles, this really bright and cheesy thing, before strong hands are cupping her cheeks and soft lips and prickly scruff are brushing against her mouth and her chin in a slow, pleasant burn. This is how it’s been ever since Toronto two weeks ago. They slept together, and it was like this flip switched where they absolutely could not get enough of each other.

Not that she minds.

It’s electric. Honestly and truly. If they had easier access to each other, she knows that it would be even more intense, that they would be staying overnight and moving under the sheets until she couldn’t walk the next day. That actually almost happened last week, her body so sore afterwards, and as amazing as it was, that cannot be a frequent thing.

A girl has got to be able to walk.

She really, really likes Killian, is so close to loving him that it terrifies her, and sometimes she looks into his eyes and swears that if someone told her he hung the stars in the sky, she’d believe them.

This was never how any of this was supposed to go.

“Hi,” he growls, pulling at her upper lip before he pulls back so that their foreheads rest together.

“Hi,” she sighs as she wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her and feeling the softness of his hair. “You played well today.”

“I was okay.”

“But in the second, you – ”

“I know.”

“Do you?”

“I do,” he promises, quickly brushing his lips over hers. “Have I mentioned how much I love that my girlfriend is an expert in my job?”

“Maybe a time or two, but this time it sounds slightly less macho man-ish.”

“That’s my goal.”

“Good.” Her stomach swoops at the smirk on his face, and she really wishes they were back at his apartment instead of in this stupid supply closet. “Why didn’t you tell me Will and Belle got engaged?”

“Because I legitimately didn’t know until right before the game. It apparently leaked or something, and he was all pissed about it. I think Belle posted the ring after it all to kind of beat out tabloids from making money off of them. They’re happy.”

“I would hope so. They’re getting married. People are usually pretty happy for that.”

“Eh, sometimes there’s those people who aren’t actually happy and think a new title and diamond ring will make them happy.”

“True.” Emma leans back against the door, the wood hitting the back of her skull, as she runs her fingers through Killian’s hair. It’s all long and messy again, and she honestly can’t decide which way she likes it best. “I do not want to deal with the crowd on the train getting out of here on the way to David’s.”

“I could drive you,” he offers with a shrug.

“Oh yeah, because that won’t at all be obvious. Also, I think we need to talk.”

“I’ve found that I’m rarely in for a pleasant conversation when a woman tells me that.”

“Shut up, you ass.” She slaps the back of his head, but all he does is give her another cocky grin. So dumb. So, so dumb. ��Okay, so, like, hear me out.”

“I have my listening ears on.”

“Yeah, little pointy ones.”

“Swan.”

“Okay, okay,” she mumbles, bringing her bottom lip between her teeth as she bounces on her toes. “I’m not – I’m not one hundred percent sure on this, especially with what I just found out about Will and Belle, but I think it might be time we told my friends and your family about us. Just a few people, the ones we trust the most, because I’m starting to slip up on where I’ve been or who I’m talking to when they ask. Also, I feel really shitty every time I lie to Ruby or David or Mary Margaret or someone else who is my friend.”

His lips are parted, mouth gaping open, and he’s blinking at her like she’s a crazy person. She might actually be.

“W-what? Are you serious?”

“I’m serious about us thinking about it. I’m still not completely sure on the entire thing. I think, maybe when we get back from London, we can have another conversation about it. I like to think this is going pretty well, and while I don’t want our relationship to escape us or our families, I don’t think we can keep doing this without telling the people we love.”

Killian’s brows furrow, his eyes thin lines beneath them, and his hands finally dip from her cheeks down to her shoulders with his nails digging into her skin over her freckles. “Let’s think on it, yeah? Don’t get me wrong, I’m more than thrilled that you feel confident and happy in us enough that you want to tell people, but I don’t want to expose you even more to the world. Because in our circles of people, love, it’s going to be a big deal that we’re dating.”

He’s right. She knows that he is. She’s had the same thoughts.

“I know. We’ll figure it out though, right?”

“Absolutely.” Killian squeezes her shoulders once more before dipping his head down and gently slanting his lips over hers in quick succession. “Now, as much fun as I’m having inhaling all of these chemical fumes, I think you have somewhere to be.”

“Don’t remind me.”

“Emma, love,” he says tenderly, thumbing at the indent in her chin as he smiles that reassuring smile at her, “you’re going to be fine. It’s your family. You love them. I know you do. And you’re going to be reminded of that the moment you get comfortable sitting on David’s couch and relax into dinner.”

Right once more.

“Okay, okay,” she exhales, pulling in Killian for a hug so that she can bury her face in his shoulder and breathe him in instead of the chemical fumes for a moment, “I can do this.”

-/-

Killian was exactly right like she knew he was but didn’t like to admit outside of her head. She was building up the awkwardness, building up the strained relationship with Ruth like she always does, and while it wasn’t the best thing at first, now that she’s sitting crisscrossed on David’s couch with a glass of wine in her hand, she can think of few other places she’d rather be.

This is her family, even when she doesn’t admit it, and for a girl who never really got to have a family until she was too messed up to truly accept one, this is absolutely everything.

Just…everything.

“And then, Grandma,” Leo continues, walking back and forth through the room, “Captain America holds his shield up while the bad guys try to attack him, but he’s too fast for them.”

“This Captain America sounds like a cool guy,” Ruth laughs, very obviously confused about the whole thing. She has not caught onto the Marvel bug, which is pretty much a sin when Leo has been obsessed with Captain America for months. Mary Margaret and David say it’s the longest he’s ever been interested in one thing, and when Emma thinks about it, she believes it. “Do you think you’re going to be as strong as him?”

“Probably not,” Leo shrugs, “but he started off really small like I am so maybe if I’m tall like Dad and not short like Mom.”

“Hey,” Mary Margaret protests, her eyes cutting at her son while Emma and David snicker underneath their breaths, “I am not that short.”

“Mom, I’m ten, and I’m almost taller than you when you’re, like, seventy years old.”

“Leo David Nolan, I am not seventy years old. I’m thirty-nine. Don’t age me like that.”

“What’s wrong with being nearly seventy years old?” Ruth teases, and Mary Margaret’s pale cheeks immediately flush red.

“Nothing, nothing. I – ”

“I’m nearly teasing you, sweetheart,” Ruth sighs before turning her attention to Emma. “I watched your game today. You looked so beautiful, but why are they still showing you eating every time?”

Well, damn, she didn’t know that was still happening, so she takes another sip of her wine and rolls her eyes as she laughs. “I have no idea. Like, it’s a running joke at this point. You can literally google ‘Emma Swan eating’ and all of these videos pop up. Leo told me that they even add songs to them now.”

“They do,” David chuckles. “I showed him those.”

“You’re awful.”

“I actually think I’m pretty awesome.”

“That’s debatable.”

“Look, Grandma,” Leo laughs, taking Mary Margaret’s iPad over to Ruth, “here’s one of the ones with music. It’s so funny!”

“You guys are the worst,” Emma groans as she places her glass down and sinks into the couch. “The absolute worst.”

“You just seem to have a face for funny moments,” Mary Margaret says sympathetically, reaching over to pat her thigh. “It’s because you do a little dance when you’re eating good food, I think.”

That makes her smile. It’s always what Killian is saying about her when he’s teasing her over her eating habits, and that’s when she suddenly remembers that hat that she still hasn’t given to Leo. It’s been sitting in the bag she carries with her to and from games for weeks now, and she keeps forgetting to give it to the kid. He may still like Captain America, but he’s probably moved on to another favorite player.

Quickly, she gets up from the couch and walks to the entryway where she left the bag, shuffling through it until she pulls out the signed hat, and then holds it behind her back, a genuine smile curling on her lips.

“Leo,” she sing-songs, immediately getting his attention as his brown hair falls across his forehead, “if you stop showing Grandma weird videos of me online, I have a surprise for you.”

“Way to bribe my kid,” David whines without much conviction.

“It’s not a bribe. Not technically.”

“What do you have?” Leo gasps, taking the iPad away from Ruth. “What is it? What is it?”

God, to have the enthusiasm of kids. Life would be so much simpler. And happier probably.

She’s pretty happy now anyways.

Slowly, she pulls the hat around from behind her back, and Leo’s brows furrow in confusion. Of course they do. To him, it probably just looks like a random hat since the autograph can’t really be seen.

“A Yankees hat? I have a couple of those already.”

“Leo,” Mary Margaret and David say at the same time.

“It’s fine, guys,” she laughs, stepping a little closer. “Remember when you asked me if I could get you a hat signed by Killian Jones?”

Now Leo’s face lights up, a bright smile practically taking up all of it, and he runs to her and immediately wraps his arms around her waist in a hug so tight that she loses all of the air in her lungs.

“Thank you,” he sighs before releasing her and taking the hat out of her hands, staring down at for a moment only to put it on top of his head. It’s too big for him without being adjusted, but he doesn’t even care.

She feels like the coolest aunt in the world right now.

“You’re the coolest aunt in the world.”

Ah, so confirmation then.

“Killian Jones is the man who asked you out, right?” Ruth questions, and Emma has to bite her tongue as she moves to resume her place back on the couch. She wishes she had more wine, but she’s got to be up early again tomorrow and doesn’t need more to drink. “You’re still talking to him?”

“I mean, only for my job,” she lies. “He’s a nice guy, so he was really happy to sign something for Leo.”

Ruth nods her head, and Emma thinks that it’s the end of the conversation when it’s most definitely not. “So, are you dating anyone, dear? I don’t mean to pry, but I do like to know about your life and you’re much more difficult to get information about than David.”

“That’s because Mary Margaret can’t keep a secret.”

“Why am I feeling so attacked right now?” Mary Margaret laughs.

“Well, you can’t, honey,” David says to his wife. “You are the worst at keeping secrets, and you overshare all the time.”

“That seems like a bit of an exaggeration.”

“It’s really not, Marg,” Emma tells her before turning back to Ruth. “I’m not dating anyone right now,” she lies again, more guilt building up in her stomach, but she and Killian are going to talk about it after London when they’re not in a storage closet, “but I’m really happy. Things at work are going well, even if I’m busy, and I love all of my friends and family and how much time I’m getting to spend with them. But if something on the dating front seriously changes, I’ll let you know.”

Ruth winks at her, a smile on her face. “Well, I don’t believe that for a second.”

Emma stays there for the rest of the night, all five of them eating and watching movies with talking in between. Leo insists that Ruth get caught up on anything and everything Captain America, and even though she falls asleep during several of the movies, she does learn a little bit more, making sure to ask all of the right questions. She’s so good with Leo, with everyone really, and it reminds Emma of when she was a terrified fifteen-year-old moving into a new foster home not knowing what was going to be awaiting her.

For someone who was so unloved and never thought she’d find love, living with Ruth Nolan was a shock to her system. She hates that her own walls and issues kept her – keep her – from always accepting that love and genuine kindness, and she hates that she let Neal influence her to not believe that Ruth was her family.

She is.

Most definitely in every way, and this is going to be something that Emma works on. She’s very much determined to do so.

Her life is a good one, and despite how complicated it is sometimes, she deserves to be happy in as many ways as possible.

When the movies are finished and Emma is ready to go home and go to bed, she whispers words of goodbye to everyone, promising to come over again for dinner tomorrow and to bring Ruby and Graham with her since they are always itching for an invitation.

“It’s so good to see you, darling,” Ruth sighs into her hair as they hug goodbye. “I love you.”

Emma nods her head against Ruth’s neck, a smile on her lips. “I love you too.”

[standfortheangels]

Instructions: Always repost with the rules, answer the 11 random questions left for you, and leave 11 more for the people you tag!

Tagged by: @illicreatxm

This got long so I’m going to stick it under a read more ^^

1. If you could write any canon character, which would it be and why?

Hm. I’m not sure. I have roleplayed a couple of canons before, but I find it harder to keep the muse for them. I could probably do Elsa okay, I could jump between her locked in the castle personality and her open, welcoming character post-film, which might help, but the inconsistencies in her Over-powered Powers annoy me, so I think I’d add a few limitations in there.

2. Favourite Disney movie?

Maybe Aladdin because Robin Williams is of course amazing and so perfect in that role~ Ohh but there’s also Atlantis.. And Dumbo! Aw no... Let’s just call this my top three before I get carried away >w>

3. Least favourite MCU character?

I haven't seen the more recent ones, so, I can't take into account characters like Thanos or Dr. Strange or, whoever else they've been bringing in. So out of what I've seen, I'd have to go with Bruce Banner/The Hulk.

It seemed in the earlier films that they didn't give much attention to Banner. They were all over using the Hulk to make bits interesting, but Bruce was boiled down to "quiet smart guy who CaN TuRN inTo THE HULK" so, yeah.

And the hulk himself later did like a 180° change for me. In his stand-alone film I think Hulk says like 3 words, maximum. Then rarely talks in his appearances in the other avengers brand films. Cool. We had "Puny God" and that was a-okay. One short, memorable, funny quote seems perfect.

But then what was all that when Whedon got his hands on it? (I mean don't get me started on that, I am really reigning myself back here but) They start off needing ways to calm Hulk down enough to get him back inside and give control back to Bruce, fair enough. But then like... He winds up not letting go of Bruce's body even though he isn't enraged anyway? And suddenly he's emotional enough and smart enough to take- what was it a plane? And seperate himself off from everyone and look all solemnly at Natasha before he does it or something?

Obviously my memory of it isn't great, honestly I stopped paying attention after Natasha's "I'm a monster- not because I was raised in a heartless environment full of violence and raised to literally kill people, that bit's whatever- but because they took away my fertility and now I can't have babies." speech. And that's the last MCU film I watched. I didn't want anything to do with them after seeing what Joss Whedon did with the characters and the overarching plotline and... Everything. x') So I might have gotten some of the hulk stuff wrong.

(I did watch Deadpool though, that I enjoyed~)

4. If you had to create any new character, what occupation would they have?

Ooo good question.

I think something proactive, where they could seek other characters out, but.. I'd kinda like a bad guy~ Someone who lies so much for their job, they have a dual personality to work with. They can be your smiling friendly neighbour, wishing you well on your holiday, then turn around and grit his teeth because this poses a major problem for his mission, and he can't lose his target, so now he has to follow, but he can't do that as your happy neighbour, no, you know he isn't going on holiday, certainly not today, not on your flight, not to the same ski lodge you're going to. No, he has to make a new cover- maybe say his neice phoned him with a family emergency and he'll be leaving to go be with her a while. Then shed this identity, find out where his target is going, quickly pose as some other tourist who blends into the background and get to the lodge first, all the while planning out some plausible skiing accident he can set up.

Wow that got more detailed than I expected x'D I think I just reinvented hitman, whoops.

5. Favourite sport?

[Image ID: Kiki from Kiki’s Delivery Service, laughing hysterically.]

My biggest concern when I'm on my feet is not falling over so, obviously sports aren't really my deal. x')

I used to swim a lot when I was a kid, I loved that, but, don't do it now.

And I'm not really into watching sports either tbh. Most of it seems over-hyped. Most football teams (real football, it is not soccer. The hint is in actual football, the ball, is hit, with your feet. Picking it up and running with it and then sometimes kicking it does not qualify as football, come on USA. Your thing is closer to Rugby than Football.)

Anyway most teams aren't much better or worse than any other if you actually watch objectively, which makes it look like they both suck because they're too well matched to score goals more than once in a blue moon.

Rugby I don't really understand the appeal of either. Scrums are weird and it wouldn't be entirely bizarre to see a guy walking away from the game with blood down his face and an ear in his hand. You'd almost expect him to stick the ear on ice and be back in a few minutes with his bandages on.

Really the only sports than interest me are the gymnastic types. Ice skating is good for a while but it can start getting dull if you don't have people willing to break the mould a bit. (Which is why I absolutely love the free skate bit. Where they aren't being scored and they just do whatever the hell they want, omg I live for that)

Floor routines are awesome, the pommel horse and rings are usually a little samey for me but the one with those two bars at different heights, that's fun to watch~ there's a little more variety there.

(And I don't wanna hear anyone in the replies saying these aren't sports, every example there including figure skating is a separate event in the Olympics, so. There.)

6. What’s your dream car?

I don’t really have one. At this point in my life I don’t actually have the option to learn to drive so I haven’t really thought about it. My only criteria is, it has to have a nice face. x)

Since I was tiny I have always seen cars as faces. The headlights would be eyes, and usually the number plate would be the mouth, but some cars have other stuff like a grill that might be the mouth instead. So like...

This would be a grumpy car with a pig-like nose and frown.. Actually those look like jowels either side of the mouth part. It looks kind of like a bulldog. X’)

And this would be a happy car. That black part around the number plate it wide and smile-shaped, and the headlights- rounded on top and straighter on the bottom, like the little creases we get when we scrunch up our eyes laughing~

This car looks like someone just said something really stupid to it, and it is not impressed, and lets the silence hang not knowing what to say.

Happy car

Terminator car

Happy car but in a mean way.. Like it’s on its way to cause mayhem or poking fun at someone. You get the general idea -w-

7. A movie that you think should have a sequel?

Hmm... this is a toughie.

8. A movie sequel that you think should be deleted from existence?

I don’t remember which number it was or even the title, but the Shrek sequel where Shrek like, hates having kids so much he makes a deal to change time? And Fiona winds up as like a vicious warrior leader because no-one ever saved her from the tower, and rumplestiltskin is in it? What even was that...

9. Design your dream outfit using this game ?

I wouldn’t say this really is my dream outfit, but from the options on offer~

(also discounting the enormous hair bun >w>;)

10. Favourite fairytale?

I’m not sure if this actually counts as a fairytale, but I love the story of the jolly roger. That classic skull and crossbones flag has a story behind it that a lot of people don’t know.

In a nutshell, a man (i guess a pirate) develops an intense crush on a young woman, who is about to get married. But just before her wedding, she dies. She is buried, but the man doesn’t take death for an answer. He digs her up and has sex with her body. When he’s done, a disembodied voice speaks to him, telling him that he has basically impregnated this corpse, and to come back in nine months.

For some reason, he does. He digs up the woman again. And sat below her pelvis is a small skull and two bones. The disembodied voice tells him to take these bones with him on his ventures, and they will bring him luck.

It’s bizarre, and kinda gross, and.. I dunno if being rewarded for sexually desicrating a corpse is the best moral? x’) But I was amazed when I heard this story, because I’d had no idea there was this whole tale behind the flag~ and I still love that it exists~

11. Create an avatar of your favourite muse using this creator? ?

First, it’s so cruel to ask me to pick my favourite child how dare you >w> haha

I went with Chester though because he’s the one I’m usually most connected to.

I can’t think of anyone I want to tag right now (at least not anyone who hasn’t probably done this already), but I’ll put the new 11 questions for anyone who does feel like doing this~ :) __

1. What’s one thread/plot you really want to do that you haven’t had chance to yet?

2. What is the reason for, or meaning behind, your blog icon?

3. Do you have any pets? Tell us a bit about them!

4. What is one thing you would never want to change about your appearance?

5. There is an ultra secret spy group, and you’ve just uncovered their existence. Now they say that you must either work for them, or they’ll find a permanent way to keep you quiet. What kind of work would you offer to do for them?

6. If you met your muse in real life, how do you think the two of you would get along? (multi-muse blogs, pick one of your muses at random.)

7. You have been given a huge budget to remake one film in your own vision. You can change anything, add anything, choose the cast, you have no limits. What would you do?

8. What is one skill you wish you could automatically master?

9. A genie offers you a deal. An unlimited lifelong supply of one food of your choice... But, you have to sacrifice your ability to chew. Does any food still tempt you?

10. What do you think is the funniest animal?

11. Share one memory you have that makes you happy to think about~

[cindyfelicia]

Hi, I hope you’re doing well!! I was just wondering if you read comics? If so could you recommend some/ how to start getting into them? I want to start reading them, but it’s so stressful trying to figure out where to start. Also I love you blog!

Hi there! you’re all manners of sweet and kind thank u <3. You know, I’ve answered this question before but it was mostly to people I knew the interests of, which made it easier to give intro level recs, but I’m gonna try to give you some general info, mostly it’s gonna be about marvel bc that’s what I read most of and I don’t feel I would do dc justice because I’m not as familiar with itmy advice abt approaching comics is going for solo runs first, this is how I, personally, did it and it’s way easier than jumping in on team books, or worse events bc they tend to be messier and need more bg info and pre-existing knowledge than a comic that focus on just the one character; I also feel it’s good to start with current or at least recent comics, you can always read the old stuff when you’re better acquainted with how comics work and which characters, artists and writers you like (or can tolerate).

actual recs under the cut because this got so long

i was gonna do a whole list of mcu characters’ solos because most people entry point to comics rn is superhero movies, and hmu if you want that, but instead I think I’m gonna rec you some good comics that are either separated enough from main marvel continuity as to be intelligible without extensive info gathering, or I just think they’re great and worth a bit of confusion (part of starting out reading comics is not knowing fully wth is going on sometimes, but stiking with it for some good art or for characters you love -I’m not gonna go so far as to say for good writing bc that’s just not realistic):

if you like yourself some spider-people:- silk (2015) and vol 2 (2016) are my absolute favorites- I’m not very much into spiderman but I read renew your vows  and it’s lovely,  it’s just not a main universe comic it’s an au where things are as, imo, they should be with ye old web slinger, and it’s good for getting your feet wet in the huge pool of spider-man comics;- I love miss jessica drew (spider-woman) but her solo is……. questionable if someone has a good jess drew intro rec pls tell me so I can pass it on, - miles morales has been written badly in more ways than one but I love him so I suffer, I can direct you without scruples only to his novel tho, absolutely lovely and not written by brian michaelbendis lmao- anya corazon is a really good character that marvel loves to forget it has, let’s not make the same mistake;- black widow 2014 and 2016 and bw: the name of the rose are all good comics (I know technically nat isn’t a spider person but like nothing about spider-woman’s powers screams ‘spider’ either so..

for wakanda I’d say good recent start-ups would be: - black panther (2016), - black panther: world of wakanda (w/ a lesbian couple as protag), - and rise of the black panther (ongoing)

some non x-men team books that are easier to approach as a beginner imho:-young avengers vol 2 (vol 1 has its moments if you want to start from the beginning with them but a lot of it involves the civil war arc and stuff.. also some characters die, the art is less good and I want to protect people from 17’s yo cassie lang’s nipples poking through her shirt.. I wish someone had protected me tbh) -I want to rec some Runaways but besides the current run (which is alright) there’s a lot to be said against the writing in most of the rest of them maybe vol 1? to have the origins pinned down-I feel like after a small read through of what exactly the hell was going on with secret wars you could approach A-Force vol 1 and the first half of vol 2 (the second half ties in with civil war II and I’m not touching that mess) and that and avenger world and sometimes secret avengers to me are good avengers books-she hulk 2014 and totally awesome hulk are my greens of choice but if you want an intro to bruce banner idont actually know, sorry-for the asgardians: thor 2014 and it’s follow up mighty thor, thor: god of thunder, angela: asgard’s assassin and its sequel angela: queen of hel, and loki: agent of asgard are my pick of this crop-we also have Fun here at marvel comics on occasion and both patsy walker aka hellcat and squirrel girl are nice in their own way although the latter isn’t really my thing

some follow up on the young avengers:- hawkeye (2013) an absolute fan favorite, good to discover that actually clint barton was a good character it’s that the avengers movies are just bad and hate people with disabilities- a couple of follow-ups to that (x) (x) and the kate bishop solo all pretty nice- america chavez’s solo (I’m just here to suggest gay comics, that’s almost all I read really)

I want to rec Champions to people but frankly it’s just a long series of event interruptions and bullshit interspersed with a couple of nice moments so far, so I’m gonna rec you some kids that are in the champions and have solos I haven’t already mentioned:- kamala khan’s book is probably my favorite ongoing series at marvel right now about any non-mutant char, I cannot say enough good about it,- nova is nice,- miles morales (spider-man) and amadeuscho (totally awesome hulk) are also there but I’ve already mentioned themalso in this house we love and respect elektranatchiosand any other attitude just isn’t tolerated.

on to the x-men, gotta love those guys, you just gotta:- like I said I prefer to tell people to start from recent comics but with the xmen that’s so difficult? it’s been 10+ bad years for them because of the movie rights situation and just marvel being shit in general, so my one recent team book to approach the x-men is prob x-men ‘92? because its based off of the xm animated series so you don’t have to straightaway deal with some mutant plague, eugenics plots, and other catastrophic events, but you can still get to know more of the char we all love - I want to say generation x vol 2, it’s not a good starting point for anything really but I love it so so much I had to mention it even tho it was cancelled and I’m still angry as hell about it.

the solo situation is better. I’m gonna be able to breathe without tasting my own bile while I type this, hurray!-all new wolverine follows laura kinney as she takes up the mantle from logan-iceman, good solid comic abt coming out and ice puns, who doesn’t like bobby really-jean grey, yes she’s a teen girl in this, yes it’s weird and I hate de-aging characters but it’s nice to see her train with different mutants, struggling with the incoming phoenix force and her adult self’s shadow, not really great entry point to jean grey but id read it anyway-if you were into the 00’s xmen movies like me, or at least a normal person’s amount the phoenix recently returned and with her adult!jean grey, it was a good book for me and good if you want to later start reading the actual phoenix saga (which is a lot of material so starting small with this might help) -I love wandamaximoff and despite what they’ve done to the maximoffs in order to bring them into the mcu (was it worth it for that result btw? really?) her recent book was good and I genuinely loved it -storm’s solo is so good, you’re gonna fall in love with an het ship and you’re not gonna regret it either-rogue and gambit, is ongoing and it’s good to get a little acquainted with these characters but mostly it’s about explorign their relationship

I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of good x-men content atm but I can’t stop thinking I need to mention that there are ongoing series you could pick up its just.. I hate them.. some started out promising (xmen gold, astonishing xmen), but they’ve not developed in good directions imo, but I still feel they should be mentioned, there’s also a weapon x comic if you want to go for a more bloody kind of book and xmen blue if you like time displaced teens or something? god its bad

jeez this is so so long and guess what? I haven’t even finished yet.. there’s some excellent indie comics out there and with those you really don’t need to worry abt knowing any 30 years old lore or anything you pick them up and they explain themselves like any other normal media out there, I know, be still my heart:

- lumberjanes is my absolute favorite, a little corny, but so much fun and cuteness and if I could go back in time I’d give it to my little bi self so she’d know she’s not alone and anything I feel that ways about has a special place i my heart js

- Motor crush, there really isn’t any other comic book with a black lesbian as protagonist out there that I can think of, good if you’re into motorcycles but if like in my case that threatens to put you to sleep, it also has a sci-fi streak and solid character work, you won’t regret giving it a try

- moonstruck, cute non-white gay werewolves and other mythological creatures are there, I feel this cathers to me specifically every time I open it?? bless

- Hi-Fi fight club or heavy vinyl (they changed the title) if you want a period piece that’s fun and cute and gay (I meant it about me reading only gay comics as you can tell)

- saga, for a space, well ya know.. saga I feel that I can describe it as romeo and juliet in space with added racial commentary except they don’t kill themselves, I have to say not my favorite but you might stick with it for the characters, I sure do

- the wicked + the divine, I feel very much the same about this as I do about saga, only this is mythology based so like.. I sold my soul to it, but please do tread with care there’s a lot of deaths in it and so many of these dead people are gays and/or poc.. I’m none too pleased about it and I’d understand anyone not wanting to pick it up, I mean the deaths are basically in the premises of the books but that doesn’t change the end result..

lastly like I said dc is not my area of expertise but I’ve been following with pleasure both batwoman and green lanterns, and mr miracle was an amazing comic so I thought I’d mention them

[graysonpuzzle]

I decided to post an imagine request! This is kind of old but since I deleted my old blog I figured I’d put it here. This is all fluffy and for Dean girls. I just wish I could remember what the request was lol. Anyways, Enjoy! ------------

"Mira please, I don't understand why you won't let me do this!" You protest. She's in the kitchen cooking dinner, full on ignoring you or shutting you down.

"Y/N, after what happened last time, you should know why I don't want you out there," she explains. Your family had been hunting for as long as you can remember, your parents sadly, had died mid-hunt when you were 11, leaving you in the care of your aunt, Mira, who became your mother figure as time went on.

"That was the first time anything serious has ever happened, you know I can handle myself," you try to persuade her, but she just puts a hand on her hip, refusing, "those two guys will be there, they can back me up!"

"That's enough Y/N! I understand that you just turned 21, and you think you can do anything, but I hate to break it to you--you can't!" She shouts, finally saying what she actually thought.

Without another word, you stomp to your room, just like you did when you were a teenager. Your room is very homey, small but somehow big enough for all of your hunting gear and normal things.

"Fine, I guess Mira will be eating alone tonight," you say, getting together a small bag of hunting gear. You open your window, which is on the second story of the apartment building you live in. You throw the bag over your shoulder and leave down the fire escape.

Those two guys--Sam and Dean--visited your apartment earlier. Your uncle always kept tabs on your home, that included always searching for monsters that are nearby and could hurt you and Mira while he was gone. Apparently Uncle Andrew found something and called the two brothers to take care of it while he was on a hunt across the country.

It was a harpie taking her victims, torturing them and leaving them near death somewhere for someone to find by the time they were already dead. You had never actually hunted a harpie, but have read about them and heard stories from other hunters; they hated humans and would torture anyone they could get their hands on.

Sam and Dean said they thought she was picking people up from a local bar. So that's where you went.

Once at the bar, you showed ID and found Sam and Dean, at a booth, apparently scoping out the place. You sat in the booth next to Sam and the brothers looked at you like you were crazy.

"Find anything yet?" You ask casually and take a sip of Sams surprisingly fruity drink.

"What are you doing here?" Dean demands, now guarding his glass from you.

"I'm hunting a harpie, same as you," you reply simply, then offering a cheeky smile.

"Mira said you couldn't hunt," Sam states, his brows coming together as he narrows his eyes at you.

"Yeah I know what she said, but I need to hunt, it's been too long and she's being too protective," you argue, now putting your hands in your lap.

"No, your mom--" Dean starts

"Aunt actually--but same thing," you butt in.

"Your aunt told us you hurt yourself last time," Dean says but more as a question than a statement.

"That was 4 months ago and it was a broken wrist," you lift your right hand up to show them, "I just got into a tough spot and an asshole djinn twisted it the wrong way."

You stare at Dean pleadingly, like a little kid. Beside you, Sam still refuses, not wanting to go against Mira.

"Fine. But if something happens and Mira tries to kill us, our blood will be on your hands," Dean agrees, and you smile with excitement.

"Thank you! She doesn't even have to find out, and I swear I'm not as bad as she says I am," you ramble, finally ready to hunt again.

After Sam and Dean approached almost every woman in the bar trying to find the harpie, the three of you think you finally found your monster. You followed the blonde haired woman and the man she started talking to minutes ago as they left.

Riding in the backseat of the classic car was quick and the whole time you caught Dean taking glances at you through the rearview window. You even blushed after a few times, feeling the heat rising in your cheeks. At that he smiled and almost missed a turn while following the harpie in her victim's car.

You followed the harpie all the way across town and ended up at a small house almost isolated from the any other buildings. It's the perfect place for a bird lady to set up nest. You and the brothers wait a minute after the harpie goes in with her victim.

The three of you peek through a window to watch the harpie inside, waiting for it to be clear to go in after her. She takes the man down into her basement. Quietly, you, Sam and Dean come through the unlocked door and enter, looking around her nest for anything that could possibly be useful.

“You hear that?” Sam asks, and you all stiffen. She is coming back up the steps.

“What do we do?” You ask, trying to hide your panic.

“We can’t let her see us, we have to get her while she’s off guard,” Dean says, “hide until she goes back down stairs.”

Sam darts to the next room over and you dive behind the couch. The door to the basement opens, and something lands on you hard, knocking the wind out of you. Apparently Dean couldn’t find his own hiding place. Squished together between the wall and the couch, the both of you try to keep as quiet as possible while the harpie takes a while upstairs.

After what feels like 10 minutes of waiting with Dean crushed against you, you start to get fed up with waiting for the harpie.

"What could she possibly be doing that takes this long?" You whisper

"I don't know, but I do know what we could be doing," he says, smirking,"and it would be way better than waiting for this bird lady, that's a promise."

You roll your eyes at him and say, "after we get out of here, I think I'll hold you to that promise."

Soon after, the harpie goes back down the stairs. You try to get up, but both of you are almost completely stuck. You try to get out in multiple ways, and mid struggle Sam is standing over you while Dean is completely hovered over you while trying to get up.

"Having fun?" Sam asks, and your cheeks burn from embarrassment but Dean just smiles down at you. He accepts his brothers hand up and then proceeds to help you up once out himself.

Since harpies don't have any specific weaknesses, all you really need to kill it is a basic weapon like a gun or knife. You finish the job quick, just a couple shots to the harpies heart and she's down. Admittedly, the waiting did make killing her easier in the end.

[jm-3am]

The letter that goes nowhere.

Hello.

Um.

Did I end up accomplishing all 20 things on my list?

Oh. Not at all.

How’d you find this then? Well, I guess after it’s all said and done, the people who are really curious and really taken aback will go on a detective hunt, right?

Right. Well.

I should have written this before I went hysterical, but my head’s not screwed on correctly. You know? Yeah. You know. You’ll probably know by now.

And by now, it’s apparent that I’m not who I said I was.

I’m not really soft. Or nice. Or sunshine despite all the overly flowery terms and emojis, I’m mostly. Um. Nervous.

I think that’s the best way to put it. Stressed could be an extension of this.

Should I even begin to explain why? Or should we skip that part? I don’t know. It’s not very interesting - you’re typical screwed up childhood story. Just another novel - another semi-decent plot that’ll never be a blockbuster.

My earliest memory might be when my parents dropped me off to some relatives and left me there for a while. Call it abandonment issues, but when you’re used to hearing your father say you’re unplanned, a mistake, you cost him his good job in NYC and forced him to move down to the suburbs, and your mother argue “well should I have aborted it?” before he sighs and says no because abortion is a sin, then what? What was I supposed to think? I thought they were giving me away.

I think I was 3, going on 4? Anyway. I learned real quick that nobody’s worth it. Absolutely nobody. My life was worthless because it cost someone a job. My life was worthless because it made people fight. It was so worthless they gave me to strangers because they were tired. And they had to take care of my twin brothers who were babies.

I love my twin brothers, actually. Even though they always call me dumb for not getting vine references and not understanding pop culture, and make fun of me for “supporting the gays” because while they’re super conservative, I’m that one strange pseudo-religious liberal. They’re good people (I think.) They hold the door open for others, they clean the church, they say please and thank you. Actually, these are basic manners, but I guess the arm really does bend INWARDS. They’ll be okay when they grow up I suppose, but right now (despite them only being 2 years younger than me and the closest people I’m allowed to come in contact with - I can’t possibly tell them how I feel). How and why would they understand? Besides, Min always says this, but he won’t come to my funeral. He can’t deal with his sister “being mental.”

Mother? Mom? Well, I suppose she’ll cry. Maybe then I’ll actually get to hear her say the words “I love you” - I remember once, I was maybe in 3rd grade and my teacher had brought her child to work for take-your-child-to-work day. I was surprised how easily she said she loved her daughter - in front of all of us! That night when I went home I asked my mom to tuck me into bed. She at least followed me to my room and said she’ll close my door. I think she was trying. I really think she was. I told her I loved her - I asked her to say it back. She said no. She told me to just go to sleep. In high school I pretended to do a “cultural interview” and asked her why Korean mothers don’t tell their kids they love them. She said it’s embarrassing and unnecessary. Also, the most important thing for any family relationship isn’t love - it’s respect. Huh. I learned something new that day.

I gave up on loving my family. I certainly never learned to respect them. I acknowledge their presence.

They barely acknowledge mine.

 It’s sad. I’m looking at the letters on my desk (I think this letter is already longer than all the other three COMBINED). Why three?

Father doesn’t get one.

2017. The last time I wrote a letter to him.

I found it in the trash later as I was taking it out.

The flowers I had hand drawn onto the edges were smudged with banana. It was a pretty funny sight. It was my suicide letter, actually. Asking him to change, to try harder, if he actually wanted me to stay because I was tired.

Did I take it out of the trash?

Why would I.

It was addressed to “아빠” - I call him father or by his last name, now.

Just like the rest of the people at our Church.

I wonder why “adults” have enough authority and credibility to make up lies that are more believable than the truth. We were at a church gathering when my father attacked me with a golf club and the brothers had to pull him off of me as I slid under the billiards table - we were at church when my 5 year old brother was accused of pulling the fire-alarm and he slapped him so hard Matt went flying backwards and hit his head on a display (turns out, another kid in a different room was playing and hit the fire alarm). Everybody saw it. They heard it. They even stepped in to stop him.

But that was just because he lost his cool. All the times I skipped church at home with bruises so bad they couldn’t be covered, every time I limped in and sat still for 2 hours, every strangely placed band aid. “She fell down the stairs” - “she went ice skating with friends and fell” - “Her lip? It’s because she keeps peeling away at it” - “the bruise on her forehead? She was getting into the van and hit her head on the TV”

Nobody ever asked if it was true.

I just (this is so selfish), but I wanted one person to look me in the eye and say, “Is that what happened?” - Nobody did.

I guess that’s how credible the preacher’s words are.

Besides that what else is there? Being dragged out as he gripped my hair and threatened to chain me to his truck and drive down the road while I gasped for enough breath to apologize.

Taking a knife and hacking off my hoodie that I was wearing.

Throwing my albums.

Throwing me against the door and hitting me with a wooden broom until I eventually said sorry for something I didn’t do.

And each time, my mom took my brothers and hid.

I remember the one time my brother and father got into a fist fight. Do you know what my mom did? The woman I thought was scared. Who I thought couldn’t handle this. Who I even protected and got hit with a frying pan IN HER PLACE?

She tackled my father to the ground.

I realized then... it’s not that she couldn’t. She didn’t.

She had priorities.

It was always Josh.

Despite it all. I don’t hate my brothers. Again. How can I. It feels like they’re always the one who eventually step in to stop me from myself.

Especially Josh. I really tried to keep going this time. This year I thought. I thought it would be different. Actually, since the middle half of 2018 I was doing so much better!

He begged me to live. Just live.

Day by day that’s what I did.

He even helped me, supported me going back to what I used to love.

Dancing, and iKON, and going online to start blogging again. He helped me lie about needing a laptop for college, helped me when I came close to being figured out - clean accounts, new IDs for phone checks and laptop confiscations. He tried so hard to keep me alive.

Why. Can’t I be grateful?

I don’t know.

I just don’t know.

I never did get medicated.

Never got diagnosed, actually.

2017 March - I tried killing myself in the bathroom and my mom broke the door down.

2017 December I tried to kill myself in my room, and my brother slept on the floor the whole night to make sure I couldn’t go anywhere. All the kitchen knives he locked in a cabinet in his room with a key that he wore around his neck.

Same with our medicine cabinet. The youngest sat in a chair right next to our medicine drawer all night.

But nope.

We never talk about it to doctors. Or counselors.

We’re not allowed to.

Who’d believe us, anyway?

“Why are you depressed?”

“I don’t know.”

“Then you aren’t.”

$500.00

isn’t that how it works?

I don’t know. The one time I cried in front of a counselor my father assigned me - it was at church - and they read me some bible scriptures and told me to pray every night and if I believe in the Lord? It’ll all be fine.

I cry to the Lord every time.

He’s never saved me before.

I didn’t want to be the type of person who pointed fingers yet here I am. I suppose I blamed everybody except for the problem. Me.

In the end, nobody else is at fault. It’s me.

I should live this life because it’s given to me, and I should deal with it. It’s my lot. I’m that ungrateful one who’s kicked it aside. Is that why they say “kicked the bucket?”

I also didn’t want to be the cause of anybody’s sadness or... discomfort, actually. I think discomfort is the right word. When I lose people it’s beyond just a ‘sadness’ - I shake, I go numb (I really realize what it feels like for blood to stop flowing), once I melted in panic, and another time I hid from the world in a little closet refusing to believe it.

In retrospect though, I realized I kept living. At first I was really angry that the world could keep turning without her. My childhood friend. I was really really angry that everybody seemed so fine. Her mother kept going to work, her father even moved on, our friends stopped mentioning her, and even me. The person I thought was her closest friend - even I stopped thinking of her everyday and that angered me. How dare I? You know? How could I? If I didn’t remember her, then how sad would she be? How wronged would she feel? But the more I grew the harder life got, and weekends full of piano lessons and sneaking up to her attic afterwards so we could play with her cat turned into recitals, practice, games, church services, and studying.

All that damned studying.

Because that’s apparently the only thing I was good at. And news flash - wasn’t particularly good at it, either.

Anyway, where was this going?

Right.

Nowhere.

Is anybody still reading?

Probably not.

It’s a bunch of mumble jumble but in the end. In the end.

I hope people don’t think I’m delicate, or breakable or that they should have treated me any differently.

Actually, I’d say I’m pretty strong and unfazed.

Nothing really hurts me - I’m so used to hearing the worst of the worst.

“You’re fat, you’re ugly, you look fake, you seem fake, you’re awkward, you’re dumb, shut up, prude, slut, weirdo,” - literally, none of that fazes me. If you told me that I’d just think “wow... you’re very honest with yourself and others. That’s not very mannerly, and I hope you don’t treat others that way, but thanks for sharing your opinion! It was interesting to listen to.” After all, they’re just sharing a snippet of their mind to me. It may even be the truth. Why should I be offended? What gives me the right to be mad? It’s their opinion on me.

Would I be mad if they said that about others I knew? Yeah. Because I know not everybody’s like me. They shouldn’t go around hurting those who don’t deserve it.

Anyway, again, where was this going? Ah. Right. I’m not hurt by anything. Not affected by much. Even if people completely ignore me! I don’t get particularly sour or sad about it - happens naturally and all the time.

I hope people aren’t beating themselves up thinking “I should have done X, Y, Z.” No actually.

You couldn’t have known.

I despise oversharing. IT always leaves me feeling guilty and cautious. Like I’ve changed a dynamic. 

I don’t want that.

I always wanted to be a comfortable shelter to people.

Someone they can open up to and give sadness too, but didn’t necessarily have to hear back from. Like a one way valve.

So. Whoever made it this far.

You couldn’t have known.

You couldn’t have done anything different.

Despite what you think - you DID give me small bits of happiness.

I finally. I finally knew what the outside world was like.

People predicted that by the time I was 30 and married to someone my family thoroughly vetted I’d learn what it’s like ‘outside.’ I doubt them though. I’m paying for my own education so I can find some sort of work - so I don’t have to be a stay at home mom, who goes grocery shopping, takes care of the kids, cleans, goes to church, repeat. So that my circle wouldn’t stay this small.

But.

I guess some people really live their whole lives in a small circle.

All I have is my family, the small town church circle (with nobody my age... the closest person being 28), and the friends I was allowed to have over to my house (only) but not allowed to go out with from high school (who, all had closer best friends since... well, I never hung out with them outside of school).

For a few months though I felt alive (nervous as hell) but alive.

Who knew people could get so close online? Share pictures and stories and accomplishments and love? Be happy together, sad, mad, even 19+ together (hahha). I was mind blown. Amazed.

I wondered.

If that. was. normal? Did the world... did people in the world do that?

Meet up? Keep connections going? Care?

This is turning weirdly. Educational.

I guess I should accomplish something from the top 20.

May... I’m not like you. I can’t run away. I’m a coward, actually. I can’t call the police, can’t talk to the authorities. I guess I should tell you it’s because it’s 1 vs 4. I know nobody at home will side with me. I can’t blame them. They’re scared, and they have nothing to lose. Actually, if they just lose me it might be perfect. I was always the one who didn’t go the way they planned.

Yooj. I’ll just. I’ll just text you. I think you deserve it.

Dekota - I’m sorry. In 10 years you and your girlfriend will be taking bubble baths together, and walking to the market while the sunsets just to get ice cream, and your shoes will kick pebbles out of the way, and your hair will be dyed whatever color is cool in 2029 and the world will be better. promise. You’ll be okay. I’ll make sure of it, okay? I did see your last twitter message to me. Yeah. I’m okay now.

Autumn: Always keep your head up, you’re the most beautiful, the most loyal, the most diligent, the most honest. Without you I would have never gotten away from Hope. You changed my life.

Bri: I suppose this is a good time to say, you’re my fav? Haha. You’re also the only one in the family I called up. I regretted that a lot. It took a lot of your time, and I was being selfish, but. You have a really nice voice. Remember I said you sounded like my God sister? No. I realize now that that voice is yours now. You sounded like you. You did sound like home though. The few hours(?) I spent talking to you made the years I was alone and lonely feel okay. If it were up to me, I would have never hung up. I heard a lot of your poems, but I never got to read you one...

“Love is not always staying

in the same place

Love is being in the right one

when they’re looking for you”

I don’t know what I’m saying - never really been in a heart wrenching, or particularly nice, or desperate kind of love, but that’s my interpretation I guess. I imagine it’d be like that, don’t you? I hope you find someone who’s always there for you when you need it.

Sam: As I’ve said before. I never wanted an older sister, I always looked up to my cousin and wanted an older brother, but unnie. I got to know you, and I realized. I wanted an older sister. Actually maybe I just wanted to keep calling you unnie. Thank you for everything. I hope the world, the people around you, I hope they appreciate you for everything you’re doing and all that you are. Eventually, I hope you’re at the top - I hope you go so high in life and have so much fun on the way that you don’t regret it. I hope you’re content and happy - I was because of you.

Dep & Bea - The parents hahah the two BEA-utiful people (I can’t believe I’m pushing through with that! But I am!) Thank you for accepting me. I never knew the word “parents” and “children” could be so fun. I’m glad I got to experience it for a while ^^ ~ your latest daughter (who by the way, has now understood your hate for pineapple pizza, it is all up to personal taste, right? Kekeke, I heard Korea has a sweet potato pizza?! What do you think about that?!!)

Christina - sorry I killed double heart anon (oh my, that sounds so cruel! Double heart anon wasn’t even that active, right?! I just wanted to brighten your day because you brighten ours. Actually, on my phone you’re “Christina 빛이나” (It rhymes!!!) I wish that you keep shining

똑똑 Alfa! (Knock knock - no no no it actually was supposed to be “smart” but the no one came out and now it’s a double meaning!) You’re by far the smartest person I’ve befriended - I’m sure we can all agree, we’re super proud!

Joyce - “Joyce over flowers” - nim hahaha the flower of our group chat, I’m honored to have seen you graduate and keep on going for your dreams, I’ll always watch over you and make sure you’re safe! No matter what you choose to do and where you choose to go, I hope it’s only a flower path for you ^^

Celine - you’re art, you know that? You know?! Everybody should tell you this! You’re ART!

Drew - Intellect if I’ve ever seen one - I know we mostly talked about stanning and how terrible the big three were, but besides that I hope you never lose your cute smile and your whole aesthetic touch. I hope you go through life being as beautiful as always. When you’re happy you glow - your humor made my days and nights!

Nista - Sunshine :’) I’d go blind by staring at your beauty! Your personality always made me happy and warm on the inside, sunshine!

Quinn - I don’t know if I was special to you, but you were special to me; I know I promised we could talk about anything and everything, but you still can! You can still talk to me; I’ll always listen to you. You’re probably one of the people who understood me the best. I hope... that eventually you stop understanding me and find the happiness you deserve and the fulfillment you were looking for

Heera - I’m still on your side. I’ll always be on your side. Through your ‘questionable’ food choices to your ‘anti bobby’ ways - I got you. I really do. And if I let you down, I’m truly sorry.

Anis - I’ll always be sending a hug your way.

Hope - I forgave you. A long time ago, before I even realized it. So let’s move on. Okay?

Jae - You had the most on your plate. I hope you’re handling them one by one. You’re wayyyy more amazing than you give yourself credit for. You’re superhuman~~~ really! Your future is bright, just remember to take one step at a time (AND YOUR WATER BOTTLE!!!)

Julia - It’s been years and I never had the courage to go back but, I did think about you a few times. I actually found you on twt once I started back up. You looked happy. You were doing and saying nice things. It made me happy. I didn’t follow, I didn’t message you, I didn’t bother you by pulling you back into our past that was parts painful and parts hilarious (you’ll never ever see this - but I admired you a lot).

JJ - There were words I never said to you because saying them out loud was scary. I loved you. A lot. And new people came, crushes that moved in then out really quickly, because nobody was you. I hoped that I would eventually learn to love anew, but I know that deep down I never fell out. I’ll probably never fall out.

This letter came nowhere. It’ll go nowhere.

Just like me ^^ But that’s good. It’s not meant to, anyway.

- Just Me (Jung Min)

[tessatechaitea]

New Super-man #6

This kind of collateral damage is why people hate the Justice League. She owes Kenan a new bubble tea.

I don't have anything snarky to say, I just love this panel. I love Viktor's art.

It's not that I'm not eloquent enough to describe why I love this comic book so much³, it's just that I'm too lazy to figure it all out. I know it has something to do with how Kenan's character is being fleshed out and how his Daddy Issues aren't just the thing that drives him but they have affected who he's become and how he approaches life. I like that the bad guys have a reason for existing and that they're not totally bad guys. And how the good guys have a reason for existing and they're not totally good guys. I like how Kenan and Baixi and Deilan are caught up in a vague political struggle which they've never really considered; they're just young and excited about being superheroes. I like how this is a real world with real characters. I love the fucking art. And Gene Luen Yang is writing an entertaining, humorous, joyful story. I wish that this would be the example for future generations of comic book writers. This should be the standard. Kenan slaps some Starros on the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom members, thinking he's solved the problem. But instead, he's just made them even more loyal to Uncle Human Firecracker. Flying Dragon Father chases Uncle Human Firecracker to the cockpit while Kenan tries to get his freeze breath to work. He can't quite get it and just blows in Wonder-Woman's face, so she flings him against the wall where he discovers his future sidekick hiding.

What a great team!

Super-man manages to freeze the Starro off of Bat-man's face because Bat-man is easier to manhandle than Wonder-Woman. It's probably a good thing because Bat-man comes up with a plan to drop the temperature in the cabin to freezing which kills all of the Starros. Of course, that means the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom Members are once again free to act like assholes. Except that's when The Great Ten arrive and the Book Club decides working with the Justice League of China to stop The Great Ten from killing everybody is probably the more responsible revolutionary choice. While the fight rages outside, Super-man and Flying Dragon Father confront Uncle Human Firecracker. The fight ends about how you'd expect a comic book fight in which the superhero's father is a participant. Flying Dragon Father is gravely injured when he shields Kenan (who has, once again, lost his powers due to being overly emotional) from Uncle Human Firecracker's final fireworks display⁴. Now that the day is basically saved, Kenan turns his attention to flying the airplane to a hospital.

You can't really go wrong with an origin story that takes bits and pieces from Superman's, Batman's, and Spider-man's origins.

Super-man decides he's going to find who at the Ministry of Self-Reliance ordered the death of his mother, Leather Liberty Goddess, and make them pay. Bat-man and Wonder-Woman agree to help him. They've seen enough bullshit at the Ministry that they're ready to continue with the project but carefully and full of suspicion. The epilogue reveals that Dr. Omen has the body of Flying Dragon Father in a Bacta tank because he's only dead and not dead dead. Plus she calls him "My love" so it's not looking good for her as not the prime suspect in Kenan's mother's death. Kenan's dad might also have some 'splaining to do. What Did We Learn? It's easy to care about people we know and love. It's heroic to care what happens to everybody. The Ranking! +1! So good! __________________________________ ¹I don't mean to suggest that a character like Superman isn't necessary. The DC Universe needs somebody filling that noble role. But too often, he's brought down from that place to try to make him more popular and I think that's the wrong move. Superman should be above pettiness and politics. He should be as close to non-violent as possible. Go ahead and make him so strong that the Fangenders lose their mind over how boring he is because nothing can defeat him. Those aren't the stories Superman should be involved in! Sure, he can stop some monster threatening the universe easily but that shouldn't be the main thrust of the story because, yes, that would be a boring story. Make the main thrust of the story how Superman needs to defeat this creature while also making it to Lois's parents' house for dinner on time because he's trying to make a good impression and they already think he's not good enough for Lois. See how that story works? Two people think he's not good enough for their daughter even though he's saving everything. But he can't tell them that so he has to prove himself as Clark in Clark ways without Superman fucking it all up for him. ²Holy shit! Where in my dark mental recesses did that phrase come from? I almost changed it to "out the wazoo" after my brain suggested "up the yin-yang" because I didn't want to expose the racial insensitivity of my subconscious. But how relevant is this blog, really, if I begin censoring my id? Not that I could since it murdered my superego long ago. ³I'm pretty fucking eloquent, bitches. ⁴Meaning he blew himself up.

[canaryatlaw]

okay. well today was okay. I woke up to my alarm bright and early at 6:30. checked the bus tracker app right away and saw one that should arrive at 7:03, perfect amount of time for me to get ready, grab breakfast, and walk to the bus stop. I made one of the microwave muffins but couldn’t finish before I had to head out and I couldn’t bring a spoon with me into the room and we didn’t have any plastic cutlery so I used my fingers for the rest of it 😂 oh well. So I left my apartment, leaving my phone and pretty much everything else behind me, just my wallet and some pencils. I got on the bus and headed north, a route I’ve taken before but I usually take it south, I have done it north before but never this far up. there were too many stops for me to copy down all of them, so I was paying apt attention to the names of the stops to make sure I didn’t miss it. Fortunately since it was a train station it was a fairly prominent stop. So we got there, it’s like 7:13 at this point, so making good time. I knew we would because everything’s deserted this early in the morning but I wanted to make sure to allot for extra time in case something went wrong and I’m essentially helpless to fix it. so I got on the purple line which goes into Evanston and continued heading north, got off six stops later and from there walked like .4 miles down a street to the Northwestern campus. The neighborhood was super cute, of course it was virtually empty save some cyclists and a few random people, so it appeared very tranquil, definitely different than the constant hustle and bustle of Chicago. I sometimes wish I taken advantage of my excellent grades more and gone to a college and/or law school that was more prominently ranked, but at the same time I know I probably only want that for bragging rights, which is a dumb reason to pick a school. but like, looking at the Northwestern campus and the prestige that came with it I’m just like....I kinda want that. and like, it’s not like I’m going into “big law” and need their name on my resume, I’m doing public interest where most of the lawyers working in this area are alums from my school. but I like the perception of being seen as the smartest of the smartest, really. and like, I don’t doubt that if I had really tried I could’ve done it. I almost got into Emory which is a top 20 school, I got waitlisted, but like if I was seriously pursuing a highly ranked school I know I could’ve been a lot more effort into studying for the LSAT and I bet I could improve my score by a solid 10 points which would put me in range for at least the schools ranked #5 and up (that would put me at 169, the top 4 want more like 173, our of 180) so I could’ve gotten into Northwestern. my undergrad GPA would still leave something to be desired due to the disaster that was my junior year but there’s really not much I can do about that. oh well. anyway. I got to the campus and easily found the building we were supposed to be in. There were a few students standing/sitting around outside, it was only about 7:40 at this point and the “report no later than” time wasn’t until 8:30, so we had time. I waited outside for a bit before going inside and waiting in there until we were told to start lining up. Once we were lined up, we got led through a very complicated path between like 3 other buildings to get to the place where we were actually taking the test (it was very weird) and I was like how am I gonna remember to get out of here?? lol. so we got to the classroom and they had one person doing the check ins verifying our ID with our admission ticket and giving us a seat, so that took quite a while. I may have a bit of a conundrum when to came to signing the admission ticket. we were specifically instructed to bring an ID with a signature on it, and I was supposed to sign the admission ticket while holding the ID next to it, presumably to see if the signatures matched. well, the signature on my driver’s license is from when I was 16, literally 10 years ago, and needless to say it’s kind of evolved from there so my current signature looks nothing like that, but I needed them to match so I did my best to copy the old one and did a decent job I think. the issue then came when we were seated and had our scantrons, and they wanted us to sign the academic integrity pledge or whatever about not cheating and I’m like fuck, my signature on this is gonna need to match my signature on the bar, so I used my normal one, and I didn’t think it would be an issue until they were like “okay we’re collecting the admission tickets now” at which point I was like WELL FUCK but there’s not much I can do about it now. sigh. It took them a while to get everything set up but we kicked off around 9:40, two hour test, 60 multiple choice questions. It wasn’t too bad, there were a handful of questions I was just straight up like “huh” on but I’m betting a good number of them were the experimental questions and they won’t count towards our final score, so that makes me feel better. I finished around 11:15 and was allowed to leave, once they get to the last 15 minutes if you finish you have to wait till the end to leave, so I wanted to get out of there before that. Getting back to the main road was a bit of a challenge, I met up with a few other people I kinda knew and found our way there. I found the bus stop, where all I could do was wait, with no indication of when/if a bus was coming (the buses are really notoriously unreliable) so that was making me kind of anxious but a bus did come in about 10 minutes or so. the ride back was nice, halfway through I switched back to the first bus I was on in the morning and took that the rest of the way home. my stomach had been killing me for pretty much the entirety of the test, cause unknown, so I just kinda flopped on my bed and laid there for a little bit. When I got up I decided to make a grilled cheese for lunch since I had supplies for it, and I made a very delicious grilled cheese. I sat for a while and did some editing of blog posts for my dad’s lawyer website, and took a look at the first chapter of the book my mother is apparently writing, she wanted me to read it and edit it, and also give my thoughts, so I did that for a bit. I had been meaning to bake something now that I have some free time, and when I made macarons a few weeks back I had halved the recipe but when I was prepping the dry ingredients, combining them all and then running them through a food processor, I didn't realize till afterwards that I didn’t halve the ingredients so I had twice as much as I needed, so I had enough for another half batch, so I figured I’d use that up. Prepping and such went pretty smoothly, the killer ended up being me apparently running out of parchment paper (since when does that happen???) so I had to just grease the pan which like I know isn’t what you’re supposed to do for macarons, so they didn’t really do the whole thing where they rise and have the different texture on the bottom, just kinda cooked into flat disks. but I mean, they still tasted good, so that’s *really* what matters. I let them cool down before using the last of my homemade vanilla buttercream to fill them and put them together. So despite a few minor issues I was fairly satisfied with them. Somewhere around after that I switched from the kitchen table to the couch and watched some tv. I started finishing the last episode of orange in the black I’m gonna watch for now, I may go back to it at some point, we’ll see. From there I finally got around to watching the first 3 episodes of season 3 of Wynonna Earp and, MAN, do I have FEELINGS. I of course was spoiled about Dolls dying, but I honestly think I would’ve been more upset if I didn’t know it was coming. I’m still pissed though because he was such a great character that added so much to their group dynamic, and I always preferred Wynonna/Dolls to Wynonna/Doc, so now that she's basically just with Doc by default kinda sucks. but I watched those few and then a few episodes of 30 Rock before heading to bed. It’s not that late yet but I’ve been up since 6:30 and my body is saying SLEEP NOW so I’m gonna listen to it and end this here. Goodnight my dears. Hope you had a banging Saturday.

[chrismaverickdotcom]

Mavademics Recap: My Crazy Dumb Month of Conferences and Podcasts

I kind of wonder if anyone notices when I don’t update my blog. Most of my readers see it through the Facebook feed version, but I’ve been so busy that I haven’t even had a chance to go see a movie to review in the last couple weeks. If you follow me on twitter (@chrismaverick) or see the Facebook syncs from there, you likely know why. For some reason I got it in my head that it would be a good idea to do three academic conferences in a row. Like literally three weekends in a row. I’m glad I did it. I had a good time doing all three of them. But this was not a good idea… so very very not… I’m getting too old for this shit!!! But I wanted to have a recap of it on my blog as well, maybe for other people, but also just so I have a record for myself (if only to remind myself never to do it again!) So I figured I’d write this up really quickly now that I’m done.

From the top…

The first conference was the Pop Culture Association/American Culture Association(PCA/ACA) national conference, where I presented in the Comics and Comic Studies area. I go to this one pretty much every year, because it is more or less everything that is perfect about academia for me… an opportunity to apply complex literary theory to funny books. This one was in Indianapolis, so I drove there. My talk this year was titled “In Defense of a Thundering Dumbass: Marvel’s Self-Conscious Critique of White Masculinity in Iron Fist and The Defenders” and was about what you can probably guess it was about. Basically, I looked at the the Netflix version of Iron Fist, in comparison to the 1970s original comic version and used Edward Said’s Orientalism theories in conjunction with some Judith Butler gender performativity concepts to argue that the character of Iron Fist can only exist, in any medium — film or comics — as an exploration of the place of whiteness and masculinity in an transforming multicultural landscape and a response to white male anxieties of the specific era the story is taking place in. See… I told you… complex literary theory applied to funny books. Anyway, the short of it was that the TV show Iron Fist may not be the greatest thing ever, but it doesn’t really “suck” so much as it is an exploration of whiteness and masculinity in the “woke” era… and that’s sort of important but not for everyone. Along the way, I also made jokes about Tarzan, Manimal, and Kung-Fu Panda… I swear it all made sense at the time.

At the same conference… in fact, just a couple hours after I gave the Iron Fist talk, I was delighted to win the “Lent Award for Excellence in Graduate Comics Studies” for my paper that I did at the same conference last year, “Oracle of the Invisible: Sexual Assault and Rape in The Killing Joke” which was a super depressing deconstruction of how rape and sexual violence work in that book to build both Joker and Batman’s relationship in a hypermasculine economy based on violence and sex where Barbara (and Jim Gordon) effectively serve as necessary, but passive currency. That one was super technical and… well, obviously dark. So dark that I kind of didn’t think anyone actually liked it, so I was really surprised to win the award for it. But happy… for a brief shining moment it was almost like this whole pop culture academic criticism thing isn’t a complete and utter waste of time. 😁 And hey, I apparently get a trophy or plaque or something mailed to me, which is awesome. Because, after all, with my win of the Lent, I am now one step closer to completing my run at the fabled LEGOT, a feat that I don’t think anyone else has ever accomplished and yet, I’m on my way. I just need a Tony, Oscar, Grammy and Emmy and I’m done. Yeah, yeah, yeah… Fuck you! I’m closer than Philip Michael Thomas!

The next weekend I flew out to the Southern Sociological Society(SSS)‘s annual conference. This was a first for me. The conference was held in New Orleans this year, with a sub-theme of “Racial Theory, Analysis, and Politics in Trump America.” The same weekend, New Orleans also happened to be hosting Wrestlemania. So it seemed obvious to a few of us in the Professional Wrestling Studies Association (yes, that’s actually a thing, dammit!) that there should be a panel or two devoted to an analysis of Trump’s connection to the wrestling world and how it relates to the current sociopolitical landscape. Because, of course we did. I ended up giving a paper I called “Heel to the Chief: Donald Trump and the New World Order of Politics” which was a look at the rhetoric and semiotics of Trump speeches in comparison to professional wrestling promos and an analysis of how and why this was able to use hypermasculine performance to appeal to the working class American voter… by comparing him to other great wrestling promo givers: Ric Flair, Dusty Rhodes, The Undertaker, The Ultimate Warrior and Abraham Lincoln (yes, he was a wrestler… LOOK IT UP!). This seemed to go over pretty well, and after it was over I got interviewed by a New Orleans paper about my talk, research and my past as a professional wrestler. This does not get me any closer to my LEGOT. But I’m still closer than Philip Michael Thomas… and I’m pretty sure I’ve now been interviewed more recently.

Finally, this last weekend, I went the Northeast Modern Language Association(NeMLA… and yes I know how unfortunate an acronym that is)’s annual conference, which at the very least was here in Pittsburgh, so I didn’t have to travel. There I presented a paper that I called “Captain Falcon vs. Captain Hydra: Marvel’s Struggles to Address Multiculturalism and Identity Politics in Trump’s America.” This was about what I call “identity commodification” or the packaging of cultural identity, be it race, gender, sexuality, religion, politics or other aspects into a product that can be marketed in a world that privileges identity over character or narrative. That is, in the current identity politic driven, SJW wokeness vs alt-right conservatism, acronymerific (LGBTQIA+POCMRAKKK — and I swear to HOVA there’s got to be at least one person in this world who that accurately describes), Trumpian world, identity has become paramount over anything else, even in our funny books. This is maybe unsurprising; superheroes are sort of emblematic of ideology. That’s sort of the point. And since corporations are profit driven, even if the identity focused audience is ideology focused, capitalism essentially demands that there be a way to commodify that in order to monetize a product. So yay! We’re all part of the machine. Sadly, I did not win an award or get interviewed or anything after NeMLA… probably for the best… it’ll keep me from getting a big(ger) head. And Philip Michael Thomas didn’t even get to present, so I’m still WAY ahead there.

Running around the country doing these things totally fucked up my sleep schedule and I’ve literally been exhausted to the point that I sometimes forget where I am for the last week or so. And all during this, I also started and recorded the first three episodes of my new podcast, the first two of which are now up and available for listening. It’s called VoxPopcast and basically, it’s a combination of all of these academic thingamajigs I do PLUS the kinds of stuff I do on my blogs and the kinds of conversations one might have in a comic book store or bar. Pop culture academia and bullshitting all mixed together, with a floating roundtable of participants in the discussion from all walks of life (academic and non). So please, if you like the kind of stuff I do, follow the blog (http://voxpopcast.com), subscribe to the twitter (@voxpopcast) or the Facebook group, subscribe to it on on iTunes or Sticher or whatever it is you use, and leave us comments, suggest topics, volunteer to be a guest and write us podcast reviews and whatever it is that 1) gives us something to talk about 2) makes me famous so that I can earn a living and somehow get considered for the other four awards that will complete my LEGOT before that bitch Philip Michael Thomas passes me.

Samantha Jordan, Stephanie Siler, Kash Mira, Cenate Pruitt, Meron Langsner, Joe Darowski, Brandon Link Copp-Millward liked this post

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Mavademics Recap: My Crazy Dumb Month of Conferences and Podcasts was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom

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Offer Presentation “Do’s” & “Don’ts”

TorontoRealtyBlog

Ten years and two-thousand blog posts, and I don’t think I’ve ever covered this topic before.

After being part of a very strange offer presentation last night, I thought long and hard about how the process “should” play out, and how it almost never does.

There should be a basic set of principles every listing agent adheres to during an in-person offer presentation, and believe it or not, it would almost always help the seller…

I had an interesting experience the other night.

I was presenting an offer on a freehold property in the east end, in competition with four other offers, and offers were being reviewed with the sellers and the listing agent, at the house.

Having registered my offer first, I was first to present.

Often when you’re 9th of nine offers, the listing agent might say, “We’ve already seen eight offers, so excuse us if we go through this a bit faster,” and then proceed to look at the negotiable points, smile, thank you, apologize again for the expediency, and thank you once more.

When you’re the first offer to present, it’s often the opposite.

Sometimes the listing agent will take this as an opportunity to read every single word on the page, or at the very least, read every single clause and pertinent detail.

Quite often, a listing agent will run through the boiler-plate offer in advance of presentations, so that the seller understands what to expect.  And the agent will read through the listing brokerage’s “Schedule B,” which every buyer agent will present, so that they don’t have to read through it once offers are being presented.

My experience the other night was nothing of the sort.

It was bizarre.

I was asked to sit down in the living room, and the agent said, “We’re doing this really informally, have a seat.”

I took two copies of my offer out of a folder, and said, “Well, this is your show, so let me give you these, and please proceed as you wish.”

The agent then took one copy of the offer, and started to flip through it.  He buried his head down, and said nothing to me, or my clients.

I found it odds, and borderline awkward, so to kill the silence I began talking about my clients, and how much they liked the house.

The agent said nothing.

He just kept reading.

I conversed with the sellers, as the agent kept reading, maybe once or twice he muddled something like, “…..this is good,” and the whole “presentation” itself took no more than sixty seconds.

Amazingly, the agent looked up and said, “Alright, great, yeah, thanks so much for the offer.”

Then he stood up.

I was so confused, but I didn’t want to draw attention to what had just happened, so I stood up as well, shook his hand, took back one of my two copies (as is the custom), and shook the sellers hands as well.

So by, “What had just happened,” do you follow?  Do you see what went wrong here?

He never read ANY of the offer to his clients!

As I walked out the door, I realized they were in the dark!  They had no clue what the offer was!

This guy just sat there, reading to himself, and never once read a single term of the offer to his clients, who were sitting right next to him.

I’ve probably been in 500 offer presentations, and I’ve never experienced this before.

You would think that the agent would say, “We have an offer here for $1,750,000, with a $100,000 deposit, closing on February 21st, etc., etc., etc.”

Maybe he doesn’t want to start with, “We have today’s date – yes, this is the 21st of November, correct, and this is Dick Smith & Jane Smith, yes, this is the correct spelling of your names, and this is 123 Smith Street, legal description PT LT 204, PL 209, City of Toronto, etc.,” but for the love of God, at least tell your clients what price the buyers are offering!

I thought long and hard about the process as I drove back to my office, and as much as I wanted to give the agent the benefit of the doubt, and discover a way in which this was his “process,” I realized, that he simply had no clue what he was doing.

Then I looked him up in IMS, and saw that he’s done 6 deals in the last 12 months, but he’s never had a listing in Toronto.

Go figure.

The process got me thinking: what should an offer presentation look like?

There are many different ways that the process can play out.

For starters, the listing agent might elect to review offers via email, or there might be in-person presentations.  Those in-person presentations could be at the property, at the brokerage, with or without the sellers and/or family, lawyers, etc., and the time could be day or night.

Anything goes.

But when offers are in person, and are in front of the sellers, I do believe there’s a way to go about the process.

As I’ve said, every listing agent is free to proceed as he or she chooses.

But I’ve compiled a list below of actions the agent should take, or questions the agent should ask, as well as why.

1) Ask about the buyers.

Have some common decency.

Yes, the be-all, and end-all, is money.

Unless you’re reading some one-in-a-million personal interest story in the Toronto Star where a home-seller picked a bidder representing a much lower offer, simply because they had a “connection” with that buyer.  But the other 999,999 times out of one million, the winner is going to have the best price.

But how do you get to the best price?

It’s not so cut and dry.

Emotions run high in any property purchase, and offer presentation.  Both the buyers, and the buyer agent, can change their minds or act a certain way based on the emotion involved, or what they’re reading into the situation.

The buyer agent’s job is to “read the tea leaves.”  His or her job is also to remain calm, and take emotion out of the situation.  I’ve personally witnessed buyer agents pop off for various reasons, give too much information, refuse to give information when asked that has no downside, and make a host of different mistakes.

I believe that the very first order of business (after pleasantly thanking the buyer agent for being there) should be to simply ask, “Can you tell me a little bit about your buyers?”

Just as the buyer agent doesn’t want to offend the sellers or the listing agent, the listing agent should avoid insulting the buyer agent by demonstrating that he or she couldn’t possibly care less about the buyers.

There are people out there that care who buys their home.  And whether the sellers are, or aren’t, those people, you want to at least give the impression that they are.  You want the buyer agent to feel at ease, feel like he or she is being respected and valued, and that you want to hear a few quips about the buyers.

“Their names are Mike and Jane, they’re first-time-buyers, they really want to know where you got that sofa….”

It’s simple, it takes maybe 60-seconds, and it’s harmless.

I think it’s a huge mistake to just take the offer in your hands, and start reading it.

“Kill them with kindness.”

“You catch more flies with honey.”

However you want to describe it, you need to start the process out on the right foot.

2) Tell the agent if you plan on going through the offer quickly.

As I alluded to above, there’s nothing wrong with this.

In fact, in the interest of time, a listing agent should go through the “Schedule B” with the seller before looking at any of the offers.

But once the buyer agent sits down, if you want to blow through the offer, just tell them!

“Thanks Jake, your buyer-clients sound like really nice people.  So we’ll take a look at the offer now, and, as you know, we’ve already seen seven of these, so forgive us if we whip through this, but my sellers basically have this memorized by now…”

That took, what, eleven seconds to say?

The theme here is respect, on both sides.  Just as the buyer agent doesn’t want to piss of the listing agent, the listing agent should make sure the buyer agent is kept informed with everything that’s going on, feels good about the process, and feels like the process is professional.  If buyer agents think the process is fair, they’re more likely to advise their clients to be aggressive.

3) Don’t just look at the price, and move on.

The theme continues.

It’s rude.  It’s that simple.

And while some of you cynics might suggest that you should call a spade a spade, I’m telling you from experience, buyer agents are emotional, and every agent has an ego.  I’ve seen buyer agents feel disrespected, and tell their clients, “Screw this.”

4) Ask about the buyers’ financing.

Now we’re past the whole “respect” angle, and into doing your job.

You would be shocked how few listing agents ask about buyers’ ability to actually obtain financing, and/or close the transaction.

Whenever I have buyers from the United States, they all ask the same question: “What type of proof of income or financing do you need to accompany the offer?”

And boy oh boy are they ever confused when I answer, “None.”

They’ll ask, “So…how does the seller know that I’m qualified financially to be making this offer, or to be closing this deal in four months?  All I’ve done so far is bring a cheque for five percent of the purchase price.”

And I reply, “What can I say?  This is the way real estate is bought and sold in Toronto.”

I always ask buyer agents an open-ended question, “Tell me about your buyers’ financing situation.”

From there, you’ll get any number of answers.

Some buyer agents tell you everything right down to the clients’ SIN number.

Others think there’s something awry, and won’t provide any information.

The right response would likely be, “What do you want to know?”

As a listing agent, I’d like to know if the buyers have a current pre-approval, and for what purchase price (then I know if they’re likely to increase their offer, if need be), as well as what percentage they have for a down payment.

I want to know if they need CMHC insurance.

I want to know if the “partner” in this deal is somebody that can close, or not.

In the spring, nobody asked these sorts of questions.

Today, on the buy-side, I’m getting asked maybe 40% of the time.

5) Ask if the buyers have something to sell.

This goes hand-in-hand with the above.

If the buyers are looking to purchase a $1,000,000 property, and they have a $50,000 deposit cheque in hand, where are they getting the other $150,000?  Do they need to sell a condo?

If they do, I want to know where it is.

What’s it worth?  What building is it in?  How easy or tough will it be to sell?

In order to get a bridge loan for a purchase, a buyer, using equity from the sale of an existing property, needs to have that property sold firm.

So if the proposed closing date on the house purchase is 30 days, do I think they can get their condo sold firm in 25-26 days to avoid a scramble before closing?

6) Ask if this is the buyers’ best offer.

Does this sound greedy?

Am I being hypocritical, because I call out greed when I see it, and yet I’m suggesting a listing agent should ask this question before all offers are being presented?

No, this is about something different.

This is about understanding how the buyers and the buyer agent arrived at the price they have on the offer in hand, and whether or not they’re being “strategic.”

I always tell my buyers, “Don’t hold anything back for a ‘second round’ as you don’t know one is coming.  Not only that, you’d rather ‘win’ outright on the first shot, then get into a second round of bidding with multiple buyers, who might throw the boat and beat you.”

But what do other agents do?

Every agent provides different advice.

And as a listing agent, I ask, “Is this the buyer’s best offer?” because I want to know if they’re holding anything back, or trying to play a game they shouldn’t be playing at the onset.

The house is listed at $899,900, and this agent is offering $950,000, up against six other offers.

“Is this the buyer’s best offer?”

“No, it’s not, we assumed there would be a second round.”

Well then what is this offer on the table in front of me?  Is it an appetizer?  A minor flirtation?

Why don’t you call your clients, and put your “real” offer on the table.

That buyer agent is free to do as he, and the clients, please.  But more often than not, they’re shooting themselves in the foot by playing games.  Properties are not won in this market by offering less than you’re actually willing to pay, in competition.

So sometimes, it’s the listing agent’s job to ask a simple question: is this your buyer’s best offer?

–

Having read this through now, you might be asking, “What then should the buyer be doing, asking, or saying?”

The buyer agent’s job is simple: don’t piss off the listing agent.

Hand over the offer, and let the listing agent present as he or she sees fit.

Watch the eyes, hands, lips, and the table is made of glass – those tapping toes, of the sellers, and try to get a read.

But the worst mistake a buyer agent can make: try to take control of the table.

There’s nothing worse than a buyer agent who holds the offer in his hands, talks as he sees fit, and then reads the offer to the seller like a bedtime story.  The listing agent should feel as though he’s in the driver’s seat.

Call it ego.  Call it arrogance.  Call it control.

I call it common sense.

The post Offer Presentation “Do’s” & “Don’ts” appeared first on Toronto Real Estate Property Sales & Investments | Toronto Realty Blog by David Fleming.

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[rebeccahpedersen]

Offer Presentation “Do’s” & “Don’ts”

TorontoRealtyBlog

Ten years and two-thousand blog posts, and I don’t think I’ve ever covered this topic before.

After being part of a very strange offer presentation last night, I thought long and hard about how the process “should” play out, and how it almost never does.

There should be a basic set of principles every listing agent adheres to during an in-person offer presentation, and believe it or not, it would almost always help the seller…

I had an interesting experience the other night.

I was presenting an offer on a freehold property in the east end, in competition with four other offers, and offers were being reviewed with the sellers and the listing agent, at the house.

Having registered my offer first, I was first to present.

Often when you’re 9th of nine offers, the listing agent might say, “We’ve already seen eight offers, so excuse us if we go through this a bit faster,” and then proceed to look at the negotiable points, smile, thank you, apologize again for the expediency, and thank you once more.

When you’re the first offer to present, it’s often the opposite.

Sometimes the listing agent will take this as an opportunity to read every single word on the page, or at the very least, read every single clause and pertinent detail.

Quite often, a listing agent will run through the boiler-plate offer in advance of presentations, so that the seller understands what to expect.  And the agent will read through the listing brokerage’s “Schedule B,” which every buyer agent will present, so that they don’t have to read through it once offers are being presented.

My experience the other night was nothing of the sort.

It was bizarre.

I was asked to sit down in the living room, and the agent said, “We’re doing this really informally, have a seat.”

I took two copies of my offer out of a folder, and said, “Well, this is your show, so let me give you these, and please proceed as you wish.”

The agent then took one copy of the offer, and started to flip through it.  He buried his head down, and said nothing to me, or my clients.

I found it odds, and borderline awkward, so to kill the silence I began talking about my clients, and how much they liked the house.

The agent said nothing.

He just kept reading.

I conversed with the sellers, as the agent kept reading, maybe once or twice he muddled something like, “…..this is good,” and the whole “presentation” itself took no more than sixty seconds.

Amazingly, the agent looked up and said, “Alright, great, yeah, thanks so much for the offer.”

Then he stood up.

I was so confused, but I didn’t want to draw attention to what had just happened, so I stood up as well, shook his hand, took back one of my two copies (as is the custom), and shook the sellers hands as well.

So by, “What had just happened,” do you follow?  Do you see what went wrong here?

He never read ANY of the offer to his clients!

As I walked out the door, I realized they were in the dark!  They had no clue what the offer was!

This guy just sat there, reading to himself, and never once read a single term of the offer to his clients, who were sitting right next to him.

I’ve probably been in 500 offer presentations, and I’ve never experienced this before.

You would think that the agent would say, “We have an offer here for $1,750,000, with a $100,000 deposit, closing on February 21st, etc., etc., etc.”

Maybe he doesn’t want to start with, “We have today’s date – yes, this is the 21st of November, correct, and this is Dick Smith & Jane Smith, yes, this is the correct spelling of your names, and this is 123 Smith Street, legal description PT LT 204, PL 209, City of Toronto, etc.,” but for the love of God, at least tell your clients what price the buyers are offering!

I thought long and hard about the process as I drove back to my office, and as much as I wanted to give the agent the benefit of the doubt, and discover a way in which this was his “process,” I realized, that he simply had no clue what he was doing.

Then I looked him up in IMS, and saw that he’s done 6 deals in the last 12 months, but he’s never had a listing in Toronto.

Go figure.

The process got me thinking: what should an offer presentation look like?

There are many different ways that the process can play out.

For starters, the listing agent might elect to review offers via email, or there might be in-person presentations.  Those in-person presentations could be at the property, at the brokerage, with or without the sellers and/or family, lawyers, etc., and the time could be day or night.

Anything goes.

But when offers are in person, and are in front of the sellers, I do believe there’s a way to go about the process.

As I’ve said, every listing agent is free to proceed as he or she chooses.

But I’ve compiled a list below of actions the agent should take, or questions the agent should ask, as well as why.

1) Ask about the buyers.

Have some common decency.

Yes, the be-all, and end-all, is money.

Unless you’re reading some one-in-a-million personal interest story in the Toronto Star where a home-seller picked a bidder representing a much lower offer, simply because they had a “connection” with that buyer.  But the other 999,999 times out of one million, the winner is going to have the best price.

But how do you get to the best price?

It’s not so cut and dry.

Emotions run high in any property purchase, and offer presentation.  Both the buyers, and the buyer agent, can change their minds or act a certain way based on the emotion involved, or what they’re reading into the situation.

The buyer agent’s job is to “read the tea leaves.”  His or her job is also to remain calm, and take emotion out of the situation.  I’ve personally witnessed buyer agents pop off for various reasons, give too much information, refuse to give information when asked that has no downside, and make a host of different mistakes.

I believe that the very first order of business (after pleasantly thanking the buyer agent for being there) should be to simply ask, “Can you tell me a little bit about your buyers?”

Just as the buyer agent doesn’t want to offend the sellers or the listing agent, the listing agent should avoid insulting the buyer agent by demonstrating that he or she couldn’t possibly care less about the buyers.

There are people out there that care who buys their home.  And whether the sellers are, or aren’t, those people, you want to at least give the impression that they are.  You want the buyer agent to feel at ease, feel like he or she is being respected and valued, and that you want to hear a few quips about the buyers.

“Their names are Mike and Jane, they’re first-time-buyers, they really want to know where you got that sofa….”

It’s simple, it takes maybe 60-seconds, and it’s harmless.

I think it’s a huge mistake to just take the offer in your hands, and start reading it.

“Kill them with kindness.”

“You catch more flies with honey.”

However you want to describe it, you need to start the process out on the right foot.

2) Tell the agent if you plan on going through the offer quickly.

As I alluded to above, there’s nothing wrong with this.

In fact, in the interest of time, a listing agent should go through the “Schedule B” with the seller before looking at any of the offers.

But once the buyer agent sits down, if you want to blow through the offer, just tell them!

“Thanks Jake, your buyer-clients sound like really nice people.  So we’ll take a look at the offer now, and, as you know, we’ve already seen seven of these, so forgive us if we whip through this, but my sellers basically have this memorized by now…”

That took, what, eleven seconds to say?

The theme here is respect, on both sides.  Just as the buyer agent doesn’t want to piss of the listing agent, the listing agent should make sure the buyer agent is kept informed with everything that’s going on, feels good about the process, and feels like the process is professional.  If buyer agents think the process is fair, they’re more likely to advise their clients to be aggressive.

3) Don’t just look at the price, and move on.

The theme continues.

It’s rude.  It’s that simple.

And while some of you cynics might suggest that you should call a spade a spade, I’m telling you from experience, buyer agents are emotional, and every agent has an ego.  I’ve seen buyer agents feel disrespected, and tell their clients, “Screw this.”

4) Ask about the buyers’ financing.

Now we’re past the whole “respect” angle, and into doing your job.

You would be shocked how few listing agents ask about buyers’ ability to actually obtain financing, and/or close the transaction.

Whenever I have buyers from the United States, they all ask the same question: “What type of proof of income or financing do you need to accompany the offer?”

And boy oh boy are they ever confused when I answer, “None.”

They’ll ask, “So…how does the seller know that I’m qualified financially to be making this offer, or to be closing this deal in four months?  All I’ve done so far is bring a cheque for five percent of the purchase price.”

And I reply, “What can I say?  This is the way real estate is bought and sold in Toronto.”

I always ask buyer agents an open-ended question, “Tell me about your buyers’ financing situation.”

From there, you’ll get any number of answers.

Some buyer agents tell you everything right down to the clients’ SIN number.

Others think there’s something awry, and won’t provide any information.

The right response would likely be, “What do you want to know?”

As a listing agent, I’d like to know if the buyers have a current pre-approval, and for what purchase price (then I know if they’re likely to increase their offer, if need be), as well as what percentage they have for a down payment.

I want to know if they need CMHC insurance.

I want to know if the “partner” in this deal is somebody that can close, or not.

In the spring, nobody asked these sorts of questions.

Today, on the buy-side, I’m getting asked maybe 40% of the time.

5) Ask if the buyers have something to sell.

This goes hand-in-hand with the above.

If the buyers are looking to purchase a $1,000,000 property, and they have a $50,000 deposit cheque in hand, where are they getting the other $150,000?  Do they need to sell a condo?

If they do, I want to know where it is.

What’s it worth?  What building is it in?  How easy or tough will it be to sell?

In order to get a bridge loan for a purchase, a buyer, using equity from the sale of an existing property, needs to have that property sold firm.

So if the proposed closing date on the house purchase is 30 days, do I think they can get their condo sold firm in 25-26 days to avoid a scramble before closing?

6) Ask if this is the buyers’ best offer.

Does this sound greedy?

Am I being hypocritical, because I call out greed when I see it, and yet I’m suggesting a listing agent should ask this question before all offers are being presented?

No, this is about something different.

This is about understanding how the buyers and the buyer agent arrived at the price they have on the offer in hand, and whether or not they’re being “strategic.”

I always tell my buyers, “Don’t hold anything back for a ‘second round’ as you don’t know one is coming.  Not only that, you’d rather ‘win’ outright on the first shot, then get into a second round of bidding with multiple buyers, who might throw the boat and beat you.”

But what do other agents do?

Every agent provides different advice.

And as a listing agent, I ask, “Is this the buyer’s best offer?” because I want to know if they’re holding anything back, or trying to play a game they shouldn’t be playing at the onset.

The house is listed at $899,900, and this agent is offering $950,000, up against six other offers.

“Is this the buyer’s best offer?”

“No, it’s not, we assumed there would be a second round.”

Well then what is this offer on the table in front of me?  Is it an appetizer?  A minor flirtation?

Why don’t you call your clients, and put your “real” offer on the table.

That buyer agent is free to do as he, and the clients, please.  But more often than not, they’re shooting themselves in the foot by playing games.  Properties are not won in this market by offering less than you’re actually willing to pay, in competition.

So sometimes, it’s the listing agent’s job to ask a simple question: is this your buyer’s best offer?

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Having read this through now, you might be asking, “What then should the buyer be doing, asking, or saying?”

The buyer agent’s job is simple: don’t piss off the listing agent.

Hand over the offer, and let the listing agent present as he or she sees fit.

Watch the eyes, hands, lips, and the table is made of glass – those tapping toes, of the sellers, and try to get a read.

But the worst mistake a buyer agent can make: try to take control of the table.

There’s nothing worse than a buyer agent who holds the offer in his hands, talks as he sees fit, and then reads the offer to the seller like a bedtime story.  The listing agent should feel as though he’s in the driver’s seat.

Call it ego.  Call it arrogance.  Call it control.

I call it common sense.

The post Offer Presentation “Do’s” & “Don’ts” appeared first on Toronto Real Estate Property Sales & Investments | Toronto Realty Blog by David Fleming.

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