#fic: lywd

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Loving you was damnation

Pairing: Raven Scientist (Victoria Van Gale/The Raven Leader)

Summary: Victoria knew she'd have one chance. One chance at continuing her research. One chance at fulfilling her dream. So she'd have to grab it even if she didn't know what it would mean for her relationship if she did so.

Birgitta would come to understand her point of view... wouldn't she?

Notes: Can you tell that the "you've no idea what I had to do to get it" line in The Storm haunts me to this day. Can you.

Read it on ao3 or read the previous fics in this verse

Victoria drank tea now. It was one of the many things that had changed in her life in the months during which she’d been dating Birgitta Bloom.

It had been during a quiet night in, in the very beginning of their relationship, that she had shared how she hated not being able to take more than one cup of coffee, even on chilly nights like that during which warm drinks felt like three hundred millilitres of concentrated paradise. Were she alone, she wouldn’t have given a care and would have gladly turned herself into a hyperactive child in order to get her hands on the liquid warmth, but she didn’t want to submit her brand new girlfriend to that. Even though it had only been an off-handed remark, Birgitta had paused the movie they were watching and lifted the side of the blanket she was under, so she could go to her kitchen cabinets to see what she could help with.

The steaming cup that Victoria was presented with five minutes later was nothing like the vile drinks she’d tasted under the same name before. Where the little bags of black tea left a bitter taste in her mouth, a breathful of the herbal scent in the mixture she’d been given was enough to make her feel like she’d filled her lungs with sunshine. When she sipped it, fearing she wouldn’t like it and Birgitta would feel offended, it tasted like a flowery field on a summer day.

Proud of herself and happy to have found a solution to her girlfriend’s problem, Birgitta had snuggled close to her on the couch again and given her tips on how to find actually good tea. They had made a date out of it, in the end, and she’d taken Victoria to a small shop on the outskirts of town that sold an assortment of blends in metal boxes. The store saleswoman had helped Victoria find the ones that fit her tastes the best, allowing her to sniff her options before putting the selected ones in small brown paper bags for her to brew at home.

“See?” Birgitta had said when they were leaving the store. “You don’t have to push through things and end up feeling bad when you can just… choose an option that does you well.”

In hindsight, the quote now sounded like a metaphor for what Victoria’s life had become with her in it. She’d been so caught up in her projects, pushing through eternally and pretending she wasn’t human, that it had caught her by surprise to realize all she had been missing. She’d come into her life like a personification of all that had been lacking from it: the warmth, the laughter, the ready ear and kind mouth. 

She’d become acquainted with the city in a whole different light since then. Had been introduced to nooks and corners hiding the most fascinating places, from old bookshops and cafes to parks that no one seemed to have been to in years. Birgitta seemed to be an expert in finding and loving things that were hidden to anyone who didn’t take the time to really look around. Victoria, she’d come to understand, was one of those things as well. And she was so glad to have been found.

They’d ride bicycles around beautiful parks on the weekends, or stay in and order food from nice places. They’d talk about everything and nothing, and act like they weren’t well into their middle age and were experiencing love for the first time. And Victoria thought that, at least for herself, that was the case. She’d had relationships before, but nothing like this. No one had ever made her feel as seen. Her heart had never been so completely not her own.

Even on weekdays, during which they mostly weren’t able to meet due to the distance between them and their jobs, they never sacrificed their daily phone calls. Falling asleep with Birgitta’s goodnight still ringing in her ears had soothed her enough to succumb to slumber on more nights than she could count.

Mere months ago, she’d forget there were other humans in the universe for days at a time. Now there was a mug with flower paintings sitting next to her plain one on the lab’s coffee machine.

In that morning, however, she gulped down her tea not because of how it felt to appreciate it, but because she’d be needing all the help she could get with soothing her nerves.

Victoria had wanted to share everything with Birgitta, she really had. More than once when she’d make a casual remark about how the weather had been lovely, how the vegetation was thriving, how it felt like they had gotten much less extreme weather events lately, it would be on the tip of Victoria’s tongue to let her know that most of it was her doing. She’d feel so tempted, whenever they were talking about work, to share what it really was she dedicated her time to. To avoid the metaphors and omissions and white lies and lay it all out in the open.

But Birgitta had fallen in love with a lie, and Victoria was terrified of her not being as kind to a truth.

Now, the day that had hung over their relationship like a storm cloud finally came. In her quest to lure a weather spirit, Victoria had done much research on them, and none of it hidden. It wasn’t suspicious, she thought, to be interested in the beings that controlled the very thing she worked with. And so she shared it with Birgitta, like she did with everything she felt she could.

At first, her girlfriend had only helped her by allowing her to talk her ear off about them, and getting her all the books she could get her hands on on the topic. Then, when she had felt she could keep the secret no longer, she revealed that inside the Sparrow Scouts camping grounds there was an area where such spirits came to rest. She had known she probably shouldn’t - Victoria had seen it in the hesitation in her eyes - but it had taken very little poking to get an invitation out of her. Though her respect for every sort of natural spirit and creature was big, and she would never want to treat them like a zoo exposition, being able to fulfil a dream of Victoria’s had been enough to make her budge.

This wasn’t something Victoria should be doing alongside her girlfriend. It wasn’t something she should reveal at all. During her months of research, she had, in fact, found a couple of weather spirits. But none would let her get close enough. Each one of her sources agreed on that point: weather spirits only allowed trusted humans close, and Victoria was, understandably, not on anyone’s list.

But Birgitta was.

Birgitta, who took care of the grounds. Birgitta, who kept their secret. Birgitta, who only took people there when it was to teach children to appreciate nature. Who wouldn’t trust her? And if Victoria was with her… maybe she’d be able to get what she needed.

And then, once her task was finished, she’d explain everything. She’d make her see all the good she could do when the power of weather spirits were within her control. The crops were thriving now? Imagine how much more they would when even the percentage of humidity was in her grasp. Climate change? That would be all but unheard of wherever her science could reach. No one would ever lose their homes or be afraid of a catastrophe again, and that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Yes, Birgitta would understand, she told herself. She’d have to.

“Ready?” Her voice resonated in the main room of the cottage which served as headquarters and storage for the Sparrow Scouts’ camping ground. She had a bag filled with whatever they could need for their hike on her back and an inviting smile on her lips, one that Victoria did her best to retribute even if her heart was screaming that this was a terrible idea. 

After having washed the cup she’d been drinking the chamomile tea from, Victoria joined her girlfriend on the front porch. She’d insisted on carrying the backpack for Birgitta, since she was already going to be the guide, but got a ‘no way’ look in response. 

That was fair enough. She’d never really lived down their first meeting.

The only concession that was made was Birgitta allowing her to take their sunscreen and bug repellent bottles and putting them in her own bag; which was a relief, because Victoria really needed an excuse to bring her bag along. Somewhy saying ‘I need to take this device I built for capturing weather spirits, for no specific reason’ didn’t sound too safe.

They set off when the sun had barely finished rising, which had been Birgitta’s suggestion so that they could already be back home when the sun was at its peak. The air was humid and still foggy and droplets of dew slid from the leaves at the treetops and fell on their heads every now and then. Birgitta was kind enough to not comment on how nervous Victoria seemed throughout their hike, dismissing it as being anxious to actually see the beings she’d been obsessed with for so long. She helped her through the tricky parts of the trail and held her hand through the tranquil ones.

After what to Victoria seemed like an eternity, but was probably only a little less than two hours, they arrived at a meandering part of a creek, with rocky margins and clear water. Victoria’s mouth hung open at the first sight of it. True to Birgitta’s word, the area seemed to be a small haven for weather spirits, in all of their three forms. The more common ones, which were cloud shaped, either floated around in the air nonchalantly or rested in the small caves that the force of the creek’s water over the years had sculpted in the rocks. The water vibrated with a second type of weather spirit, those in liquid form, swirling happily around and perfectly merging with the creek; human eyes could not see where the creatures ended and where the water began. Much more subtle were the spirits of the third type. They crystalized in transparent shards on top of the rocks, and the smallest ones could be taken for simple ice if not for the fact that the temperature would most certainly not allow for that.

Essentially gods, laying right there in front of Victoria’s eyes. It should have given her pause, to look at them all like that, at ease and at peace with each other and the nature around them. It should have made her question if she really wanted to put an end to this tranquillity, both in the creek and in her own life. It didn’t. All that the scene accomplished was to make her even more sure of how much she wanted, needed to study them. They weren’t gods, living their lives undisturbed and undisturbing to her. They were gods hogging all their power to themselves when she could do so much better if it were all in her hands.

All evidence she had read about (and collected herself) had indicated that each type of weather spirit controlled one aspect of the climate, so she knew she’d only have everything she needed once a spirit of each type was at her station. But she was also realistic, and knew there was no way she’d manage to capture more than one of them at the same time, let alone keep them all in the containment station she’d built.

“So? What do you think?” Birgitta asked after Victoria did nothing but stare at the image before them for a whole minute, unaware of the strategies and calculations running through her girlfriend’s head at that very moment. Instead of answering, Victoria took a step forward with as much caution as she could.

All the spirits turned to face them. As long as they had sensed that a person they trusted was the closest, they hadn’t minded. But even the small step alerted them to Victoria’s presence.

“Careful.” Birgitta whispered reverently. “They don’t really trust humans, and have good reasons for that too. You don’t want to unsettle them.”

Another step forward. Now, they were all staring straight at the scientist, who gave them the same treatment.

“Victoria.” Birgitta’s voice was cautioning, but Victoria wasn’t listening. Her mind was filled with strategies, trying to decide which of the spirits would be the easiest to capture. Her gaze landed on the smallest one of the vaporous type, which had floated a couple of metres away from the bigger ones of its sort. It looked at her not with jugement, but with open curiosity.

A child. Victoria had never really thought she’d stoop this low. But she had always known she’d do whatever it took to bring her plans to fruition.

Noticing that she was going to walk even closer to the spirits, Birgitta reached out to grab Victoria’s arm and stop her, but not quickly enough. With an agility she’d never demonstrated before, the woman reached inside her backpack for a device Birgitta had never seen before, and leapt forward. The gadget looked like a gun, but with a mechanical claw at the end. Her jump took her closer to the child spirit, and it gasped as Victoria extended her arm and pulled the trigger, making the claw open and close and capturing the spirit. Not only that, but once it was safely inside the claws they spread out and the metal was rearranged in a sphere around the cloud, through which an electrical current was sent by the device, in order to pacify the being inside. 

All of the creatures turned their wrathful faces to Victoria, and there was screaming and threatening from their part and crying out from Birgitta’s. Victoria looked back as the Raven Leader screamed after her, running at her direction and telling her to let it go, confusion and betrayal stamped on her face. 

So she ran away. Further into the forest whose map she’d studied beforehand and away from the woman who took her there and from the enraged gods, but not before she made sure she wouldn’t be followed. From her pocket, she took a special grenade she’d built for the occasion. Throwing it against the creek’s rocks released a mixture of aerosols, acid molecules and dust particles into the air, which would stop any spirit from running after her. It would be a wonder if they could move at all for the next half an hour, at least. 

Birgitta wouldn’t follow her, either. She’d be too worried about the remaining weather spirits to leave their side, and she knew where she would be able to find Victoria later, either way, so there was no need to worry about her at the moment. This was the only thing Victoria hadn’t prepared logically for. And yet, she knew it. Her heart told her so.

Just like it told her, as it pumped to the best of its ability oxygenated blood to a body so unused to running, that she would regret the past two minutes for as long as she had breath in her.

                                                      .........

The day dawned gloomily, but it took Victoria a while to notice it, since she hadn’t even gone to sleep that night. Since arriving home, exhausted from coming on foot straight from the camping grounds, she’d stayed up making sure that the containment station was suitable for the creature that would now inhabit it. She’d tried talking to it, of course. She told it not to worry, that she only wanted to study it and run some experiments and then she’d release it again. It hadn’t trusted her, naturally. At that point, it would be surprising if anyone did ever again.

Her mind felt torn; half of it dazzling with her newest conquest, half of it as tempestuous as the weather outside. The spirits were gathering up to attack the Bureau, she was sure of it, and all the possible protections were already in place. The only other thing she could think of doing was distracting them, and that she would do soon enough. There was another matter she needed to tend to first, however.

Picking up her phone, she saw that there were no texts. The only notifications were the same missed calls from Birgitta from when she’d been running home, but when Victoria had failed to pick any of them up, she’d apparently given up. Which wasn’t a comforting thought at all.

Her finger hovered above the “call” button, but after a couple of seconds of debating her options, she sighed and stored her phone away in her pocket. Even she could see that her actions had been too serious to be explained over a phone call; she’d have to do it in person.

More times than necessary, she certified herself that the containment station was in full order, and that the child couldn’t escape. After doing so, she put on a raincoat and left the Bureau.

The streets were empty when she left the weather station’s van; it was still too early in the day for most people to be out and about. With her hoodie covering part of her face, not many people greeted her along the way, both because she wasn’t recognizable and because she probably looked a little insane like that. Truly, she’d decided to wear it so that the spirits couldn’t identify her from above, but it seemed to have the added bonus of not having to fake smiles for strangers.

When she arrived at Birgitta’s building, she climbed the - now very familiar - three flights of stairs and placed herself at her door. She knocked, and was just considering knocking again when Birgitta’s voice came from the other side.

“What do you want?”

She’d been wondering how mad her girlfriend would be at her. Apparently it was ‘won’t even open the door’ mad. Understandable, truly.

“I want to give you an explanation.” She tried not to sound like she could feel her drumming heart in her ears, and her skin itchy with the effort of retaining all the tension in her body. Her only hope was that Birgitta’s peephole wasn’t so good as to allow her to notice all of her discomfort through the lens. “I’m sorry for tricking you, and for running away without a word. I have reasons for doing what I did.”

“For kidnapping a child?” She snapped, making Victoria flinch back. “For breaching the trust those creatures had in me? For using me to get what you wanted? Do you, Victoria? Do you really have a good reason for using me all along to get what you wanted?”

“I wasn’t using you all along! I wasn’t using you at all!” Victoria gasped, hoping it was the truth. “I love you! I really do. This was just something that I had to do.”

Her laugh was dark and ironic, too unlike the usual melodious sound that always made Victoria’s heart pick up pace. It was awful; the noise didn’t fit Birgitta at all. And the worst thing was that Victoria knew it was her own fault, even if she didn’t see it the way her girlfriend did.

“Why?”

“Think of everything we could do!” Her brain scrambled to remember all the justifications she’d made for herself over the years of working on that project. “Potentialize agriculture, prevent damage, upgrade the fishing industry-”

“Those aren’t yours to change! They aren’t yours to control!” Birgitta groaned from the other side of the door. “Nature takes care of those things herself for a reason. If you want to play God, there's nothing more I can do to stop you. But I don’t ever want to see you again.”

Who would have guessed that the sound of a heart breaking resembled thunder. Victoria could have sworn it would have felt more like delicate machinery short circuiting, or something more subtle, but she’d apparently underestimated the power it had.

“I thought you supported me!” She begged, foolishly holding on to the hope that she’d fallen asleep during her vigil and this was just a bad dream. Never before had she allowed herself to believe that this conversation would go this badly. “I- I thought you loved me too!”

“Yeah? Well, there’s a reason for that.” Birgitta chuckled, even though Victoria could hear that her voice was strained with the effort she was doing not to cry even with inches of wood between them. Her own voice wavered when she answered, fearful of what blow would come next.

“Which is?”

“I thought I knew you. Guess we were both wrong.”

                                                    …......

No more phone calls. No more sharing how their days went. No more looking forward to the weekends because she knew something lovely and exciting would be waiting for her, even if it was just staying over at each other’s houses. There would be nothing more of any of that in Victoria’s life.

When she left the building, there were no tears streaming down her face. She didn’t feel like she had the energy for that. But there was a new, resolute set to her shoulders, and an eerie silence in her chest. 

She would fulfil her research. She’d see it to the end if it was the last thing she did; after all, it was the only thing she had to live for anymore, and there was nothing that could stop her. 

Especially not a silly heart.

As she walked back to the van, she rolled her eyes at the weather spirits gathering above the town. As powerful as they were, if her theories were correct they shouldn’t be able to sense the child, not from inside the containment station. Victoria was ready, either way, and she’d keep her focus, scattering substances similar to those in her grenade every now and then so that they remained disoriented. She hadn’t more than a thought to spare for them; her own mind felt a lot darker than the sky at that moment. Unless something happened, they would eventually lose the scent they were after and scatter, only to pick it up again if they gathered nearby again for too long. It was already unlikely, and if the powers that be had any love for her in their hearts, the spirits wouldn’t do something of the sort.

And if they did, she could distract them by sending a probe to their midst to incite an argument. Spirits loved to debate, surely that would take them off of their track, if needs be.

She was out of the town as quickly as she was in. There was nothing holding her back anymore.

She didn’t understand why that fact hurt so much.

[fenrislorsrai]

There’s also some additional pen and ink drawings in the fic as well.  Including a Mari Lywd!   Go read some comedy.  This is peak Bastard Aziraphale.

Sculpture done for the Good Omens minibang for “Aziraphale’s New Year’s Day” when he stops being polite at some rude, naughty demons and pulls out fhe true form. ALSO IN TERRIFYING BLACK LIGHT VERSION.

It’s about 30″ tall, 34″ diameter.  This is papermache and feather texturing done in plaster.  It’s now hanging up at @rainydaypaperback where it can terrifying bookshop customers!

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Blog Introduction Post

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About: Hi! I'm Nyx, but the fandom knows me as Wife because of the url. Feel free to call me whichever.

This is my Hilda the Series side blog. I post about the show in general but you'll notice a bias towards some of the adult characters. I also tend to talk a lot about my favourite ships, mainly Sketchbook (Kaisa/Johanna) and Raven Scientist (Victoria Van Gale/the Raven Leader).

All Original Character content is tagged as #hilda oc, and I have one of my own! You can meet her in the #meiridom tag

Ask box is always open! I do tend to procrastinate on answering asks but I love and read every single one of them! I also tag my own asks as 📚💍. Likes/follows come from @smartheart

I write... a concerning amount of fics, sometimes. They're scattered throughout the blog, but you can read them all on ao3!

tag warnings, FAQ and current WIPs under the cut

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Tags:

#wife answers asks is very literally what it seems

#wife speaks is anything that comes to my mind

#not Hilda. Once again, quite intuitive

I tag sensitive content as cw: content. If there’s a specific one you want me to tag, please send me a dm or an ask! I really don’t want to make anyone feel bad

#my fic is for the stuff I write

#help tag is what made me write this post. It’s where I’ll reblog posts with petitions and donations for causes/people. I know it’s not what you follow me for, but this is the blog where I have the most followers

#wife’s wip talks is for me to ramble about the fics I’m currently writing

I tag my fics as fic: [acronym]

I tag my fic verses as verse: [verse name or acronym]

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FAQ:

What's that flag on your pfp? It's the moon lesbain flag! In practice it just means 'lesbian', the moon thing is more of a presentaton/aesthetic thing, the way there if femme/butch lesbians. Not a label I really apply to myself anymore, but it's too Kaisa coded to ignore

Is it okay to tag you on posts? Yes, always!

Is it okay to send a DM? Yeah! I may take long to reply, but it's a me thing. I do ask you to keep in mind that I don't know you, though, so please have discernment idjfhskjdf

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Works in Progress and AUs:

(Those with links embedded in their names will take you to their ao3 content)

The Meiridom - Everything pertaining to my Bell Keeper's daughter OC. Tagged as #meiridom or simply #meiri

The Carpe Diem 'verse - A multi-fic sketchbook centered verse that also features Raven Scientist and many other character dynamics. University AU. Tagged as #verse: carpe diem. I apparently didn't properly tag the individual instalments when posting (sorry)

The Nature vs. Nurture 'verse - A Victoria Van Gale/Raven Leader verse. What I imagine their relationship would be like in hidden moments within canon. Tagged as #verse: n vs. n and #fic: kywc, #fic: lywd (I seem to not have tagged the first instalment. I am not very good at this)

The Trolberg General Hospital 'verse - It's a hospital AU, what can I say. Debut fic is already on ao3, main fic is a WIP. Sketchbook centered, with many side pairings and dynamics. Tagged as #verse: tgh and #fic: cellularity

The LImelight 'verse - Sketchbook centered Rockstar AU. Debut fic is already on ao3, main fic is a WIP. Tagged as #verse: limelight and fic: backstage

The Beauty and The Witch 'verse - Sketchbook Beauty and the Beast AU. Began posting on ao3 years ago and will hopefully attempt to edit and complete it taking in consideration post s2 changes. Tagged as #fic: batw

FIgure Skating AU - Doesn't yet have a name or any fics, only a timeline and a couple of ideas. I might write snippets in the future, though. Tagged as #figure skating AU