#felt i couldnt at home. and......i am a FIRM non believer in ghosts or the afterlife or anything like that for the most part
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#laying here thinking about how 5 minutes before i called my dad yesterday to come out to him and talk gender#instagram glitched and in the little chat bubbles it showed me my dead mentor/friend was online.#it was the most worldstopping blood chilling glitch#she's been dead since 2016#she died before this feature even EXISTED#and yet. there she was. i watched her face pop up with that little green dot. i took a screenshot. and then after the longest two minutes#or so of my life. she vanished.#when i first sent the screenshot to tori i was so upset. being reminded of her and the loss of it all always makes me so sad#but then. as i was typing out my message i thought about how she was older. she was an adult but we were friends because she was my manager#at my HS retail job and she took a liking to me. we became incredibly close. she would always schedule me on her days & i even hung out wit#her and sometimes her young daughter outside of work. going to concerts and pool parties and the like.#but most importantly. she was the first ADULT in my life that clocked me as queer and was OKAY with that. that was supportive even.#she wanted me to be Myself and to be Loved for that. she flew out to SF for pride the first year i knew her [id only known her a few weeks#at this point as well] and when she came back she brought me a variety of rainbow-colored pride bracelets and a necklace and a shirt#she wanted me to have them since i didnt have anything like that yet. as my mom would never have allowed it#and i kept them hidden away and wore them to work and just.......felt so LOVED by her and she really helped me come into my identity when i#felt i couldnt at home. and......i am a FIRM non believer in ghosts or the afterlife or anything like that for the most part#but MAN if it didnt suddenly hit me all at once that like......#it almost felt like she could feel my heart beating out of my chest#scared to have this talk with my dad about my gender#and she reached out from beyond the grave to squeeze my hand and tell me it was gonna be ok.....#sure. it was probably just some weird glitch. but what a STRANGE glitch to happen#and what incredibly wild timing. both for When it Happened and also that i Saw It for the brief moment it was there.....#anyway. thats been on my mind for two full days now.#if it was you Jeni.........thanks. it went well. you were right#and.....i miss you.
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