#fell asleep for 3 hours and then did this in the last hour since commute is ~45 minutes for me | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

seita · 4 years ago

Text

— don’t ask | hitoshi shinsou (m.)

pairing: hitoshi shinsou/f!reader

genre: angst, fluff, smut

wordcount: 𝟷𝟹𝟻𝟿𝟶

cw: roommate!au, sugar baby!au

tags: heavy pining, arguments, briefly ft.kaminari, rejection, possessiveness, jealousy, crying, dirty talk, pet names, dom!shinsou, fingering, riding, cunnilingus, multiple orgasms, praise (?), marking, creampie, angst with a happy ending.

note: this is a thank you for 5k followers! i can’t believe i hit such a milestone in only like a month and a half! i appreciate the love and support everyone has given me and i promise to put out more quality content going forwarad!

— you thought it was strange a guy your age made such good money by seemingly doing nothing. whenever you would question him about his income, he’d grow defensive. once a month, a left the house for a few days; leaving to perform a mysterious job he didn’t want you to know about.

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When you saw the flier for someone looking for a new roommate, you honestly thought it was one big scam. You assumed that the second you set up a meeting, you would be kidnapped and never seen again.

Being a lowly college kid meant you didn’t have your sea legs in the adult world quite yet. Swamped with studies, horrible at managing your time and your stress levels, you were left a constant mess. So, your solution was to stick to studying for the most part and work part-time so the job didn’t take up too much of your time.

Another genius idea you had was the age-old roommate situation. You started out looking for listings online for preferably Musutafu or Tokyo. Alas, you came up with nothing after a handful of weeks and were intending to give up.

However, a stop by the grocery store changed everything. It was a flyer for someone looking for a roommate in an area of Tokyo that you knew to be pretty pricey.

It was close enough to your college campus so you wouldn’t have to worry about a stupid commute. You thought it was too good to be true as you looked at the information stating you wouldn’t even need to pay rent. You’d simply have to split some bills and buy your own groceries.

The idea of not having to shell out hundreds of dollars a month was appealing on its own; you’d definitely be able to save with a living situation like that.

The logical side of you was weary, however. The entire thing could be a ploy to trick some unsuspecting victim, like yourself, into who knows what.

Still, it probably wouldn’t hurt to contact the person just in case it wasn’t a trick. No harm in checking, you supposed.

Tugging the flyer down from where it was pinned up on the bulletin board, you folded it up and tucked it away in the front pocket of your purse to take care of when you got home from classes.

All of that led you to meeting one Hitoshi Shinsou. He was a tall, tired looking guy around your age. His most prominent feature was the fluffy mess of purple hair that was atop his head. When you first met him, he fixed you with a cold gaze ― his purple irises burning holes into you. And for a second you were sure that you were right on your hunch and you were never going to return home.

Nothing of consequence happened, naturally, and instead he showed you the bedroom you would be using and handed you a key before sitting down on the couch to watch TV. The whole exchange was unlike anything you expected. When you questioned him he simply told you he’d get everything straight for you and that you could begin to move in whenever.

So you did.

As expected of such an expensive apartment, the room you were given was great. It was roomy and nothing like you assumed you would wind up with. Most college students wind up with a shitty roommate, a one-bedroom apartment, and instant ramen for dinner every night.

Instead you got the chillest roommate known to mankind. Shinsou barely even made a peep. Most of the time you found him relaxing in front of the TV watching murder documentaries. You did learn that the poor guy had insomnia and as a result was up almost every night. Sometimes you would catch him snoozing on the couch but that rarely lasted more than 2 or 3 hours before he was up and about once again.

You did learn that the man was a lousy cook so he mostly lived on instant ramen before you moved in. Luckily for him, you enjoyed cooking and decided to be the one to make meals for the two of you. To say Shinsou was appreciative was an understatement.

Simply put, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

And so bloomed an easy friendship with him. Shinsou made it easy to befriend, although he was a quiet guy he was funny and charismatic; the type of guy who probably had a lot of friends.

You lived there for about a month when you noticed the first weird disappearance.

You had been laying in bed, eyes closed as you slowly began to drift off to the white noise of your overhead fan.

What lulled you from your daze was the beep of the alarm at the front door. Sitting up, you listened carefully only to hear a couple beeps and the click of the door shutting.

Frowning, you got out of the bed and wrapped your blanket around your shoulders to shield yourself from the chilled apartment air. Your footsteps were silent as you padded your way to the entryway. You immediately noticed that Shinsou’s shoes were gone from where they should have been sitting beside the front door.

You checked his bedroom to find that he was, indeed, not there. You simply assumed he had gone for a walk or to a convenience store or something since he couldn’t sleep and went back to bed. That was certainly not something uncommon for the insomniac you called a roommate.

When you got up in the morning, however, you noticed he was still gone.

You wandered into the kitchen, intending to open the fridge to start something for breakfast only to find a cute cat-themed sticky note plastered to the front of it. Written in your roommates sloppy handwriting was “I won’t be home for a few days.”

Short and to the point but still causing questions to arise in response.

You had no choice but to carry on. You could text him and question him but you had a feeling you wouldn’t actually get any information.

Two days was how long he was gone for. He turned on the second night, looking as tired as usual.

“I’m home,” he called with a heavy sigh, kicking his shoes off before dropping the heavy duffle bag he carried to the floor.

“Hey,” you greeted over the back of the couch, “I uh...made dinner but I didn’t make any for you. I didn’t know when you’d be home.”

“It’s fine, I already ate anyway,” he hummed, dropping his full weight onto the empty cushion beside you. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.

You eyed him and decided to simply not ask about the hickey on his pale skin.

The time ticked past midnight and you stood up, yawning as you stretched, “I’m heading to bed.”

“Alright,” he mumbled, finally stealing the remote from you, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Hey…” you paused at the entrance to the hallway, deciding to chance it, “Where did you go anyway?”

“...To work,” he replied, simply.

His tone held a sense of finality to it, leaving no room for you to inquire exactly what that meant. So, with a final bid, you went to your bedroom.

It was almost like deja vu, laying in bed as you fell asleep only to hear the beeping of that alarm. You sat up and climbed out of bed, intending to catch Shinsou before he was gone but as you reached the living room, you heard the front door click shut and he was gone.

Sighing, you wandered to the kitchen to find another note like you’d seen last time stuck to the fridge.

As you glanced at the calendar on the wall, you realized it was almost exactly a month since the last time he did this ― you remembered because he left on the 23rd and it was currently the 22nd. You could practically feel the dots forming but you had absolutely no way of connecting them.

Deciding to retire to bed, you attempted to sleep but found yourself thinking of Shinsou.

Two months in a row he vanished around the same time, in the middle of the night leaving only a note. Now that you thought about it, he didn’t seem to have a job ― he only said his disappearance was part of his job. But he came back with a hickey.

Sighing, you rolled over and attempted to fall asleep.

Two days later, he came home.

“I’m back,” he grumbled.

Immediately, you noted the aggravated tone to his voice. Sitting up from where you were sprawled out on the couch, you eyed him. Instead of just dropping his duffle bag like he had last time, he took it straight to the laundry room.

As he disappeared into the kitchen, you got up and followed him. He was squatting on the floor, rummaging through the bag as he tossed out pieces of clothing. You leaned on the door jam with your arms folded on your chest. Whether or not he knew you were there, you didn’t know.

“There’s some dinner left for you,” you said softly, watching him pause and look over his shoulder at you.

“I already ate,” he replied, voice cold.

You frowned, standing up straight, “Alright, well…” you sighed, “I’ll wrap it up and put it in the fridge in case you get hungry tonight.”

He didn’t reply but you kept watching him. He moved to fully sit on the floor, stretching his legs out in front of him with a grunt. You noticed that he was separating the clothes into two piles. Closer inspection brought your attention to the price tags attached to the clothes in one pile.

You found yourself wondering where he got those clothes from but you decided not to ask. He seemed to be in a rather sour mood.

He left the new clothes on the floor and dumped the others into the washing machine. With quick efficiency, he started the cycle and stuffed the remaining clothes back into his bag.

You backed up to allow him to leave the laundry room. His shoulders were stiff and his posture was tense. It was a complete 180 from how you usually saw him.

“You um...you alright?” you finally asked when he sat down on the couch.

He barely spared you a glance before propping his feet up on the coffee table, turning the TV on. Realizing you weren’t getting a response, you attempted to brush off the brief anger that flashed through you and instead went to the kitchen to clean everything up.

You didn’t know why he was being so rude to you ― it’s not like you did anything to him. Deciding to just head to your bedroom to study, you shut off the kitchen light and skirted behind the couch to avoid getting in his way of the TV.

He didn’t say a word as you disappeared down the hallway.

As opposed to last time, his ‘work’ seemed to have not gone too well this time around. At least the last time, he was just tired and feeling lazy.

You could still hear the TV going when you put all your stuff away and crawled into bed.

The next morning, you awoke with a sigh. Sitting up, you stretched until you felt your joints pop.

As you wandered out of your bedroom, you heard the shower going, indicating Shinsou was still around. Not that you were expecting any different.

You fixed a quick, simple breakfast for you and Shinsou, hearing the shower turn off as you finished. Wiping your washed hands on your pants, you made your way to the bathroom.

You only got to knock on the door once before it was yanked open. Suddenly, your mouth felt like it was stuffed with cotton.

He stood there, his usual fluffy hair flattened and hanging haphazardly around his face. He wore his usual bored expression despite the fact he was standing there, dripping wet with only a towel around his waist. Immediately, you got a whiff of his body wash and shampoo, making you swallow thickly.

Fuck, he smelled really good. You always thought so, when he sat on the couch beside you, you could always smell that delicious, musky scent of his body wash mixed with the spice of his cologne. But freshly washed with it, you were nearly salivating at the smell.

“Um…” you swallowed thickly, tearing your gaze away from the well built muscles under those baggy clothes he always wore, “B-Breakfast is ready…”

“Okay,” he mumbled, moving to skirt around you.

You sighed, assuming he was still in a shit mood again. Running a hand through your hair, you shook the delectable sight of him fresh out of the shower from your mind. As you went to go back to the kitchen, a large hand grappled around your wrist.

“Hey,” he mumbled. You looked over your shoulder to see him nervously rubbing the back of his neck, a habit you’d seen numerous times before, “I’m sorry...about yesterday.”

“Huh?” you raised a brow, trying to ignore how big his hand was around your wrist.

“I was in a shit mood and I took it out on you,” he explained, “So I’m sorry about that.”

“Oh,” you relaxed slightly and smiled, realizing he was actually in a decent mood today, “It’s okay.”

He gave you his own relieved smile, making your heart lurch in your chest at the sight. It was rare to see any other expression beyond that tired, bored look he always wore. Finally releasing his hold on your wrist, he spoke again, “Let me get dressed and I’ll come eat.”

“Alright,” you nodded, biting your lip as he turned his back to you. As he walked you could see the way the muscles flexed under the skin.

When he finally vanished through his bedroom door, you let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. Shaking your head you moved back to the kitchen intending to stuff your face to forget about how hot Hitoshi Shinsou really was.

Before, you thought he was good looking. Usually dark circles were unbecoming but they looked almost at home on his face. His skin was nearly flawless and looked soft to the touch ― you’d seen the skincare products housed in his cabinet. It was expensive shit too. Seriously, what was the guy's job?

That thought had your mind wandering back to the monthly disappearances.

The chair scraped against the floor as he came back ― wearing a baggy t-shirt and black sweats. He immediately dug in and began to eat.

“So...I have to ask,” he paused, brows coming together in a scowl as you uttered those words.

“Don’t ask,” he mumbled, shaking his head.

“I just wanted to ask...if this is a monthly thing. I’ve only been here for 2 so...I just wanted to make sure,” you clarified, watching his shoulder relax. He seemed extremely defensive over any questions related to his ‘job’, you noted.

“Yeah. Once at the end of the month I leave for two days to work,” he answered simply, obviously avoiding giving any more information that you could feed off of.

He was smart at least.

The sun finally dipped below the horizon and the two of you were sitting on the couch watching TV. He had some documentary on but truthfully you weren’t paying a whole lot of attention to it.

For some reason, your mind kept bringing you back to the sight that morning of Shinsou. As you looked at him sitting beside you, arm tossed casually over the back of the couch as he slouched with his legs spread, you found yourself admiring him.

He had a sharp jaw and pretty lips. A look lower, your eyes landed on his hands ― long, pretty fingers with prominent veins beneath the pale skin.

Suddenly, his sharp gaze cut from the TV to you and you found yourself locked in a gaze with him for a split second before you broke away to look at the TV once more. In your peripheral, you swear you saw a smirk crossing his face.

But he didn’t comment and for that, you were thankful.

You bid him goodnight and as usual, he stayed up. You began to wonder if the man even tried to sleep anymore.

You stepped into the bathroom, warning your roommate that you were taking a shower. He shouted back a simple ‘okay’ before you shut the door.

You stepped under the stream of water after stripping, the steam of the hot water filling the bathroom and relaxing your muscles. You tipped your head back to wet your hair, humming to yourself.

You eyed Shinsou’s body wash sitting in the purple caddy handing on a hook on the wall. It brought you back to how nice he smelled when he was close to you. When you could feel his body warmth radiating off of him. You would look at him, his shoulders broad and his body warm and inviting. It was nearly impossible to resist the urge to cuddle yourself into his chest.

You wondered what it would be like to lay against him, his arms wrapped around you as he softly stroked your skin. Maybe he would press a soft kiss to your forehead ― the idea alone made you melt.

Realizing you had lost yourself in thought, you hurried to finish your shower and get to bed.

You fell asleep with Shinsou on your mind that night.

Shinsou’s third monthly work time finally rolled around once again. This time, you stayed up late so Shinsou had no choice but the interact before he left. You were hoping to maybe get more hints about what it is he did.

He shut his bedroom door, hoisting his duffle bag over his shoulder with a grunt. You were surprised to see him in actual clothes ― rather nice ones as well.

His jeans fit him perfectly and the button down shirt he wore was tucked in, showing off his lean figure. The belt buckle on his jeans indicated it was name brand and you found yourself wondering how much his job even paid.

“I’ll be home same as usual,” he mumbled, bending down to slide his shoes on at the door. He looked so good doing just a simple task and you found your heart racing in your chest. His shoulders were accented so well by his shirt. The sleeves were rolled up halfway on his forearms and there was an expensive looking watch on one of his wrists.

Butterflies erupted in your stomach as he opened the door ― suddenly finding that you didn’t want him to leave.

“Um…” you called, making him pause in the open door, looking over his shoulder with a brow raised in question, “You...uh…” you struggled to find something to say but he waited patiently for you to form your next words, “Have a nice time...come home soon.”

Your heart thudded painfully as you watched his gaze soften, a smile forming on his lips as he nodded, “I’ll see you later, ______.”

Your ears were ringing as he shut the door, the sound of your name coming from his lips echoing in your head. You sunk down onto the couch, hand on your chest as you came to a startling realization.

You had a crush on your roommate.

Living with Shinsou after coming to terms that you had a crush on him was...difficult to say the least. Simple things he did that you used to pay no mind to, you now found yourself getting jittery at the sight.

Like the way he rubbed his eyes with a fist when he woke up from a nap on the couch, a sound you could only describe as a whine coming from his throat as he sat up.

The day your kitchen sink stopped working and he had to fix it was one you wouldn’t ever forget. He was leaning beneath the sink, in the cabinet on his back as he fiddled with some tools on the pipes. His white t-shirt became see-through as he sweat from the hard work, his biceps flexing with every movement he made. His shirt rode up a bit over his stomach, exposing his abs that moved and rippled with every movement. His sweats were riding low on his hips, exposing that delicious v-line and happy trail that vanished beneath the band.

The worst part was the way you could see everything in those gray sweatpants he wore. You were pretty sure he wasn’t wearing any underwear.

You had to leave the room and hide in your bedroom with the window open until he finally finished fixing it.

You definitely didn’t let your hand slide down your panties to the mental image of him that night.

Despite living together for nearly four months, you knew close to nothing personal about Shinsou. Putting aside his weird, shady two-day job once a month, you didn’t have anything else to go off of on who he was.

He was a quiet guy who liked documentaries, video games, and had insomnia. He really loved to eat breakfast foods and cats. Although you hadn’t been in his room even once, only had a couple peeks inside, you knew he owned some cat-themed stationary at the very least.

Despite his cold appearance, he was actually quite kindhearted and gentle but seemed to have no desire to show it unless necessary. One time, you cut your finger while cooking and you swear you’d never seen him run faster to get a bandaid from the bathroom ― one with a cat on it, no less.

You still remember the feeling of his hand holding yours and how close his face was as he inspected the cut. You could have leaned in and kissed him so easily then.

And god was that tempting.

So lost in your thoughts, you didn’t realize the glass you were holding in your hand slipped free until it shattered in a million pieces across the linoleum floor. You gasped, startled as you looked around for a way to escape but a single step in an area you thought was clear brought a cry from your lips as you stepped on the tiny shards.

You heard a loud thump from the living room where he had been playing a video game before the thundering footsteps raced into the kitchen. Shinsou’s eyes were wide, like he was terrified of what he would find.

“Don’t move,” he snapped, noting the way you leaned against the counter to take your injured foot off of the ground. He opened the storage cabinet and pulled out the broom and dust pan.

It took only a few minutes for him to clean it up enough to get to you safely on his own bare feet. Instead of you limping your way to the living room however, you found yourself swept off your feet.

Your heart raced so hard, you could hear it pounding in your ears. You were cradled against his chest, so warm and firm with his strong arms beneath your knees and shoulders. His heavenly scent surrounded you ― more intense than you’d even smelt it before. As you finally got a close look, you took notice of how his long lashes framed his pretty eyes.

All too soon, you were placed on the couch and he was disappearing down the hall with quick efficiency. You were still stunned from being in his arms that you barely noticed he had returned until he was on his knees in front of you.

Immediately, your cheeks bloomed hot with a blush. The image of him on his knees like that immediately sent your mind to a wicked place.

Luckily your dirty mind was stopped in its tracks when he began pulling glass from your foot.

You gasped in pain, attempting to pull away on reflex but he held strong, sharp gaze burning holes into you.

“Sit still,” he growled, sending a shiver down your spine.

His voice was so low, so commanding that you found yourself immediately doing what he said. You always were weak to a dominant man.

Soon enough, your foot was cleaned and he deemed that the bleeding had stopped.

“It’ll probably hurt like hell for a little while when you walk on it,” he warned, packing the first aid away.

“Thanks Hitoshi,” you smiled, earning a soft nod of acknowledgement from the man.

The memory of being in his arms, even for that brief moment, was imprinted in your mind. As you laid in bed, you thought about it. It made your stomach flutter in excitement as you fell asleep.

The fourth monthly job for Shinsou came and unfortunately, you missed him leaving. You had stayed up studying and as a result fell asleep earlier than usual. When you woke up he was already gone and you were left with a painful throb in your heart.

You missed him.

As you lazed on the couch, you found your mind wandering to him again. Like always. It was like your mind was cursed.

You wondered if he thought about you at all. The idea made you feel giddy and you had to bite back a smile. You felt like a silly schoolgirl with your crush ― the way he made your stomach flutter, your heart race, and your cheeks burn was getting ridiculous. It wasn’t like you could confess, he hadn’t given much of a hint that he even thought of you as a friend. Plus, you weren’t sure if you were willing to give up the killer apartment and perfect roommate gig you currently had with a foolish confession.

You heaved a sigh, sitting up with a new idea in mind.

A way that you could learn more about him.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the...most noble means.

Standing outside his bedroom door, you bit your lip. It felt wrong to go into his room without permission. It wasn’t like he went into your room ― as far as you knew, who knows what he did while you were at school or working.

The metal doorknob was cold in your palm as you turned it and pushed it open with a soft click.

You’d seen his room in quick glances before when he opened it but you’d never gotten to fully inspect it. He had a large bed that took up the most space in his room. Situated on a dresser at the end of the bed was a TV, a Playstation set up beside it. Against the opposite wall was a desk with a gaming computer setup and a red and black gaming chair pushed in neatly.

There were a few articles of clothing littering the floor around his laundry basket and his closet was partly open to reveal his primarily monochromatic wardrobe choices.

Walking into the bedroom, you immediately got a whiff of his cologne, making you smile at the addictive scent. You took a seat on the edge of his bed, the black comforter incredibly soft beneath your hands.

You leaned forward and opened his nightstand drawer, finding nothing too interesting ― a picture of him standing with a smiling boy with crazy green hair, a pink-skinned girl, and a beaming red-haired guy.

You hadn’t really given it much thought ― that he had friends. He didn’t really talk about anyone, in fact you never heard him mention anyone in his life besides his mom a few times. You did note that he texted on his phone quite a lot and sometimes you could hear him laughing and cursing from his bedroom as he played a video game. You wondered what his friends' names were, what they were like ― what it was like to be friends with Shinsou.

What you wouldn’t give to be someone...important in his life.

Sighing, you closed the drawer and moved to his dresser. Your own thoughts caused your heart to ache and you tried to brush it off by looking through the drawers for something interesting.

Fortunately, you got what you wished for.

The last drawer to the right contained a little black metal box buried beneath some clothes. You pulled it out and took a seat on the floor, pressing the button to open it. It popped open and you gaped at what you saw.

It was filled with money. More money than you’d probably ever seen in your whole life. The bills were wrapped together with rubber bands ― there had to be thousands of dollars in even a single stack. As you pulled out the bundles, you found that there were things located beneath them.

Jewels; all types. Diamond rings, necklaces, bracelets, ruby and emerald gems decorating them. You pulled out a ring and held it up, watching as he gleamed under the light.

You tucked everything back inside the box and hid it back the way you found it, shutting the drawer before standing up.

You had no idea what to think as you shut his door once again, moving to your own room. How could he have all that money hidden away like that? It was certainly shady.

Perhaps it was counterfeit? Or maybe he stole it!

And what about those jewels? Did he steal those too? Why were they hidden instead of sold off somewhere?

You had so many questions and absolutely no answers.

Suddenly you were regretting going snooping in his room.

The fifth month of living with him would have to be where things started to go downhill.

He came home from his weekend away, tired and grumpy, just wanting a relaxing shower. However, you hadn’t realized he was home so in your tired, sleep-filled daze you stumbled to the bathroom with the urgent need to pee.

You pushed the bathroom door open and halted in your tracks, heart stopping in your chest at the sight of shirtless Shinsou.

He had his back to you, displaying the angry red scratch marks that raked down the pale skin of his back, making them stand out even more. He realized you were there and spun around, eyes narrowed in a glare. With his chest in view, you could see all the hickeys and bites that trailed down his body, disappearing in the hem of his jeans that he had yet to shed.

“Get the hell out,” he snapped, ripping the door from your hand before slamming in shut in your face.

You stared at the wood for several, long seconds, stunned. You heard the shower start and snapped out of your daze. Forgetting your once desperate need to pee, you trudged back to your bedroom and quietly shut the door.

You weren’t a fool ― you knew exactly what those marks meant. You crawled under the covers and found yourself wondering what kind of woman got Hitoshi Shinsou’s attention enough to get him into bed.

And what did she have that you didn’t?

Truth be told, you couldn’t even imagine him as the type to sleep around. He wasn’t exactly sociable and he rarely seemed to go out of his way to interact even with his friends.

You could hear the shower turn off and you were suddenly reminded of the way he slammed the door in your face ― the ache from realizing he’d been with someone else only exacerbated by the knife of his shouting at you.

You closed your eyes and attempted to sleep, ignoring the sting behind your eyes.

The next morning, you found yourself not wanting to get out of bed. You could hear Shinsou shuffling around the house, doing god knows what. You heard him walk down the hallway, heart freezing as he stopped in front of your bedroom door.

You closed your eyes, willing him to go away.

Luck was not on your side, however, as he knocked thrice on your door. It was loud enough that you knew you wouldn’t be able to feign sleeping through it.

You sighed and crawled out of bed and trudged over to the door, pulling it open just a bit to get a look at him.

He had his head down, hand clasped around the nape of his neck with his other hand shoved in his pocket. He looked up when he heard the door open, brows drawn together as he gazed at you partially hiding behind the door.

“I uh…” he cleared his throat, “I went out and picked us up some breakfast.”

“Oh…” you shifted on your feet awkwardly, nodding your head, “Thanks...I’ll eat later.”

You were about to close the door, desperate to escape the burning in your eyes as you remembered last night. Before it could close, however, he shoved his hand in the crack. You paused, not wanting to crush his hand in the door. You let him push it open to show more of you ― clad in shorts and an oversized t-shirt that you loved to sleep in. Thankfully the shirt was big enough that he wouldn’t be able to tell you weren’t wearing a bra.

“I have to apologize,” he grunted, meeting your gaze, “I shouldn’t have shouted at you like that last night. I was just ticked off…” he trailed off.

You bit your lip, “I uh...I didn’t know you were home...so that’s why I just...walked in…”

He shook his head, “No I understand, really. Y-You just surprised me and I reacted. I really need to stop taking my shit out on you, I’ll work on that, really. I shouldn’t have slammed the door like that either. It was a shit night but it wasn’t your fault you didn’t know I came home.”

“I-It’s alright, Hitoshi, really,” you smiled, though it faltered a bit at the memory of those scratches and hickeys.

“I...hope you’re not hiding away in here because I upset you,” he muttered, making you frown once more.

“What do you mean?” you questioned.

He bit his lip, looking away awkwardly, “you’re usually up around 10 and it’s...getting close to noon. You don’t do that normally so...I can only think you were trying to avoid me and that’s the last thing I want. This is your home too and I never want you to feel like you can’t be comfortable here.”

You gaped at him, processing what he was telling you. First, he paid close enough attention to you that he knew what time you got up ― that thought made happiness bloom in your chest and second, that was probably the most you’d heard him say in one sitting.

“It’s okay now, Hitoshi,” you smiled, “let me get dressed and I’ll be out to eat, okay?”

He smiled, making your cheeks burn at the sight as he nodded, turning away from you to move back to the living room. You closed your door and sighed.

It was crazy how just a simple smile from him had your heart fluttering. However, it was quickly halted by the memory that he had someone ― maybe it was a girlfriend. That made your chest ache and you bit your lip to halt those negative feelings as you stripped and changed out of your pajamas.

You had no idea how you were going to get past the painful clench in your chest every time you looked at him now.

Month six rolled around and nothing very interesting happened. Shinsou moved his playstation into the living room so the two of you could play some games together. It was a fun bonding experience and you got to watch the way his eyes would light up whenever he beat you. The sound of his laugh still rang in your ears and you couldn’t help but smile every time you thought back to that pretty smile of his.

It became a weekly thing for the two of you, every Friday night you would sit down on the couch together and play into the early hours of the morning. You got to know more about Shinsou than you had ever before.

Sometimes he would jerk his body and brush against yours, sending goosebumps across your skin. He was always so warm and inviting ― just having him near you sent your poor heart into palpitations.

You almost forgot about what happened the previous month when he came back ― those hickeys and scratches on his back finally having been cast out of your mind.

Your heart did ache when you bid him goodbye the night he left again, wondering if he was going to see her or not.

The seventh month was when that already precariously balanced life came crumbling down all at once.

Shinsou was in the shower as you played on his Playstation, sitting in front of the TV with a frown on your face. You could hear the shower running and in the back of your mind you pictured what he might look like ― water running down his flawless skin, his hands caressing. You felt an almost pitiful clench in your core at the mental image.

Your perversions were cut short by the sharp ring of the doorbell. You paused your game and groaned as you stood up, your knees popping from being sat in the same position for too long. Unlocking the door, you pulled it open and paused.

A woman stood on the other side of the door, a well-fitting black dress and fur coat wrapped around her shoulders. Her ears, neck, and wrists were adorned with sparkling jewelry and you could see the red bottoms of her expensive heels. She wore vibrant red lipstick across pretty, smiling lips as she acknowledged you. However, you could see the cold gleam in her eyes that made the smile all too fake.

“Can I help you?” you asked, leaning against the door jam.

She hummed, tucking some hair behind her ear with perfectly manicured nails, “Is Toshi here?”

“Toshi?” you raised a brow at the nickname, “He’s in the shower. What do you need?”

“Just to talk,” she replied, stepping forward like she wanted to come in. When you didn’t budge she raised a brow, “You don’t mind if I come in, right? I’m sure Toshi would love to see me.”

“Uh…” you didn’t get a chance to reply as she brushed past you, her shoes clicking on the hardwood floor as she made her way towards the living room, “Sure...come on in…” you whispered sarcastically, rolling your eyes as you shut the door.

You could hear the shower was turned off, indicating Shinsou would be returning in a minute. You looked at the woman as she glanced around the apartment, feeling a sting of jealousy burning within you.

Was she the girl he was dating?

“So...how do you know Hitoshi?” you asked, making her smile.

“I’m his girlfriend, of course!” she beamed, voice far too peppy for your liking.

The words sent an arrow through your heart and you looked away with a hum, ignoring the need to flee to your room and cry into the pillow like a stupid middle schooler.

As if on cue, the bathroom door opened and Shinsou strolled down the hall, towling his hair as he moved.

Any other time you would have drooled over the sight of a shirtless Shinsou, gym shorts hanging loose on his hips as he walked.

“Uh...Hitoshi…” you mumbled, getting his attention.

He looked up from beneath his towel, meeting your gaze before his eyes moved to the woman beside you. Immediately his eyes went wide and he stood up straight.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” he snapped, startling you with how aggressive those words came out.

The girl didn’t seem too affected, merely pouting as she spoke, “I wanted to talk to you.”

“You have no business being here,” he growled, jerking his head to the door, “Get out.”

“No!” she argued, walking right up to him, “I deserve answers before you throw me away like trash, Hitoshi!”

“I don’t owe you anything,” he replied coldly, breezing past both you and her to go to the kitchen. She followed him but you remained in the kitchen, listening as they argued.

“Why won’t you see me anymore?!” she cried, petulantly stomping her heeled foot.

“Because you got too damn attached,” he spat, opening the refrigerator to grab a bottle of water before walking into the living room again.

“Attached?!” she gasped, grabbing his arm to force him to look at her, “I have given you so much. How can you just break it off without a real reason! Come on, Toshi, just...be with me, you won’t have to work anymore.”

He tensed, glancing over at you at the mention of her job, jaw set, “Just get out, Kana.”

She looked over at you, a sly smile forming on her lips, “She doesn’t know what you do, does she? Is that why you’re avoiding this?”

He didn’t reply, simply glared at her. Kana scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest, “After all I spent on you, you have no right to just run away. You know I can treat you better than anyone else can, Hitoshi. You’re making a mistake.”

“I have plenty of other clients lined up, Kana,” he shot back, making her frown. He chuckled at the sign of weakness she showed, “What? Did you think you were the only one? No, sweetheart, I have plenty of girls waiting to spend even just one night with me. You’re not special. You’re certainly not the highest paying one either. There’s nothing of importance tying me to you. You have nothing special to offer. You got too attached, starting having feelings for me...you know it would never work with my job. So just leave before you get your feelings hurt.”

Both of you were stunned silent. You because you had never heard him speak so coldly and harshly to someone before ― even when he was having a bad day and accidentally took it out on you. Her because the words he spat out with such venom wrecked her pride and made her burn with anger.

She clenched her fists and snapped her head towards you, “Best not to get close to this prick,” she warned, her voice watery with unshed tears, “A man who makes money being a sugar baby isn’t one you want to get attached too.”

With those last words, she stormed out. The slam of the door made both you and Shinsou flinch. The silence that followed was even more deafening, however.

Shinsou cursed under his breath, running a hand through his half-dry hair.

“So...she wasn’t your girlfriend?” you asked, making him look over at you.

He was quiet for a second before chuckling under his breath, “You learn what my job is and that's the first thing you wonder?”

“Well!” you defended yourself quickly, “She introduced herself as your girlfriend!”

He shook his head, moving around the couch to take a seat, “No, she was just...a client I spent time with for a while. She started catching feelings so I cut it off and referred her to a friend of mine. Apparently...she didn’t like that.”

“How’d she know you lived here?” you asked, sitting beside him.

He shrugged, “She could have looked through my shit at some point, I suppose.”

You hummed, not wanting to push him to reveal more than he wanted to. After all, it wasn’t even his choice to expose his line of work anyway.

Well, at least you had answers on why he had all those expensive clothes, cash, and jewelry. It was good to know he wasn’t some type of shady thief in the end.

“It’s...just a really bad idea to get involved with clients,” he explained suddenly, “It’s not a relationship that’s built up on anything real. Having to pay for the company of someone is not a good foundation,” he sighed, running his hand through his hair again before looking at you, “I hope you...don’t think differently of me because of my job.”

You shrugged your shoulders and shook your head, “It’s not really my place to judge you, you know?”

“Thanks,” he smiled, “It’s not really something that’s as bad as people think. It gets a bad rep for having sex for money and shit but...truthfully majority of my job is just...being company to rich women. Sometimes they want to take me around to some fancy parties to show me off or go on dates because they’re lonely. Sex isn’t the majority of what I do. I mean...I will but...it’s not the most common occurrence.”

Once again, the vision of those hickeys and sex-scratches crossed your mind and you found yourself wondering what kind of woman gave him those. At least you could be assured he wasn’t going out to see his girlfriend when he went to work ― they were strictly clients.

Which meant...he was probably single.

Your heart stuttered in your chest at the hopeful idea.

“How about I order some take out?” you asked, standing up to retrieve your phone.

“Get some pizza,” he called as you disappeared down the hall.

After his occupation was revealed to you, things began to look up. He became more open and carefree around you ― as he no longer had a big secret to hide. He didn’t really talk about his work but he wasn’t hiding it from you either.

You decided not to ask too many questions, knowing you’d only burn up in jealousy at the idea. You knew you didn’t really have a right to be jealous since you weren’t his girlfriend or anything but you couldn’t help it either.

The peaceful feeling didn’t last long, however. Once the fire started burning, it had no other choice but to rage.

“You should really just tell him, _____!” your friend, Uraraka whined, head against the table.

“It’s seriously painful,” Momo agreed, “All this pining is making me sick.”

“Oh real nice,” you rolled your eyes, taking a sip of your coffee.

It felt nice to hang around with your friends for once ― it wasn’t something you frequently got the opportunity to do.

Just as Uraraka was about to open her mouth and reply, a looming shadow dropped over the table. You all looked over to find the familiar blonde hair and wide grin.

“Kaminari,” you greeted with a smile.

“Hey _____,” he waved before tucking his hands in his pockets, “Listen, I’ve been wanting to ask for a while but...would you like to go out with me sometime?”

The question left you stunned.

You weren’t super close to Denki Kaminari, you shared a few general studies classes. He was a goofy, excitable guy who always seemed to know how to light up a room. Everyone around him was always in a good mood, in general he was just a very positive person.

Not just that but he wasn’t too bad to look at either; with his pretty, wide eyes and sharp jawline. The black lightning bolt streak through his hair just made him look even more charming.

But you hesitated, your mind drifting to Shinsou.

Sighing, you bit your lip, “Can I get back to you on that?”

He smiled, nodding his head, obviously relieved you didn’t tell him a flat out no, “No problem. I’ll see you later!”

Once he was gone, a sharp smack landed on your back making you cry out.

“Why didn’t you give him an answer?!” Momo cried.

“Denki’s a great guy, _____! You should do it!” Uraraka added.

You shrugged, “It’s just…”

“If you’re holding out hoping something will miraculously happen with stupid Shinsou, it’s a stupid idea,” Momo said, making you pout that she had read you so easily.

“Just tell him how you feel, _____,” Uraraka sighed, “If he rejects you, you can accept Denki’s date!”

You sighed but didn’t reply. Your two friends shared a look before changing the topic, drawing the attention away from your hopeless crush on your roommate.

When you got home, you were filled with a sense of urgency. Shinsou wasn’t in the living room so you went to his bedroom, knocking a few times on the door before he opened it.

“Hey,” he greeted, a tired smile on his face, “Welcome home.”

“Hitoshi,” you swallowed thickly, steeling yourself.

He frowned, “What is it?”

“I need to talk to you,” you breathed.

“Okay,” he stepped aside, waving you into his room.

You hesitated for a second, realizing that there would be no turning back once you walked inside. The door shutting behind you echoed in your head. He moved past you to take a seat on his computer chair. The screen was lit up behind him, indicating he had probably been playing something before you interrupted.

“I’m all ears,” he said softly, relaxing back in his seat.

“I…” you shifted on your feet, biting your lip, “I got asked out on a date.”

He raised his brow, cocking his head to the side. Part of you had hoped you would see some hint of jealousy from him at your words but his face remained as steely as ever.

“And...you want advice or something?” he chuckled.

You shook your head, “I want to know if…” you took in a deep breath, “If you like me before I accept him.”

He was silent for what felt like an eternity, just staring at you. Shinsou was always the type of man to think before he spoke, running through all possibilities before opening his mouth. His throat moved as he swallowed, a soft sigh coming from his nose.

“You...have a crush on me, or something?” he asked, making you deflate slightly.

“Yes,” you admitted, “And...if you don’t like me back then I’ll accept this boy’s date. There’s no reason for me to wait around and hope you’ll like me back when I could be out meeting someone new.”

He nodded his head, quieting once more. You watched as he stood up, taking a few steps towards you, “_____…” you heart clenched at his tone, knowing what was coming, “My job...it doesn’t leave me room for personal relationships.”

Despite how much you prepared yourself for it, hearing him reject you hurt. You nodded, forcing yourself not to cry as you backed up towards the door.

“Alright then,” you gave him a tight-lipped smile, turning your back to him, “I guess I’ll accept Kaminari’s date then.”

As you walked out his door, you didn’t see the pained look in his eyes. Your name lingered on the tip of his tongue but he didn’t dare speak out. The click of his door was deafening in his ears and when you were gone he sighed, hanging his head as he sat on the edge of his bed, feeling like an idiot.

The next day, you hunted down Kaminari, telling him you’d love to go out on a date with him. He was thrilled, going off excitedly about how he couldn’t believe you actually accepted him and that he would make it the best date ever.

And truth be told, the date was a blast. You had told him you’d never been to laser tag before and immediately he said that was exactly what you do then. The sound of Denki’s laughter still echoed in your ears as he lost to you, accusing you of cheating in a lighthearted tone.

You didn’t see much of Shinsou after you started seeing Kaminari. Although it was casual, you spent a good bit of time hanging out with him ― he began eating with you, Uraraka, and Momo on campus and the two of you texted often.

It seemed that Shinsou wasn’t making a big effort to hang out with you anyway. As much as that hurt, you knew it was for the best. It spared you a lot of hurt and him of the awkwardness of living with a girl who had a crush on him.

It was fair enough, you mused.

But when you laid in bed at night, your phone on silent and the faint sound of Shinsou’s voice floating through the walls as he gamed with his friends, you felt the now familiar tug on your heart. You longed to be with him.

But you knew it was pointless now.

You’d been seeing Kaminari for a month when he showed up on your doorstep to pick you up. Usually you would leave and meet him but due to the rain, he opted to pick you up and save you both from the hassle.

You were in your room, putting the final touches on your makeup when the doorbell rang. Before you could react, you heard Shinsou open the door.

You quickly grabbed your purse, tossing the strap over your shoulder as you opened your door. You could hear their voices carrying down the hallway.

“Holy shit!” Kaminari laughed, “What a small world ― it’s been a while Hitoshi!”

“Denki,” Shinsou greeted curtly.

“You ______’s roommate?” Kaminari asked, tucking his hands in his pockets as he waited for you, “She’s talked about you a bit. Didn’t know it was you, though, man!”

“Denki―” Shinsou was about to say something more but was cut off by your entrance.

“Hey there babydoll!” Kaminari greeted with a grin, holding his hand out for you to take, “See you later, Hitoshi!”

Shinsou didn’t respond as he watched the two of you leave, his jaw set tight as he held himself back from calling out.

You felt like you’d never been more angry in your life as you stormed home. Things had been going so well between you and Kaminari, you felt like you could genuinely start to like him. You enjoyed his company and began to think less and less about one purple haired roommate of yours.

You slammed the front door, startling poor Shinsou on the couch. He turned around, eyes wide at the blazing anger visible on your face.

“What the hell is your problem, Shinsou?!” you cried, kicking your shoes off and tossing your backpack to the floor.

“Huh?” he raised a brow dumbly, only fanning the flames of your rage.

“You…” you heaved, fists clenched, “Who do you think you are?! Telling Denki to break it off with me?!”

Realization quickly flashed over his face and he groaned, standing up, “I didn’t tell him to break up with you!” he argued. You opened your mouth to retort but he put his hand up to stop you, “I just told him to think it over. Do you know how we know each other, ____?”

“No,” you shook your head, tossing your hands up, “What does it matter? You still have no right to interfere in my relationship!”

“He’s in the same line of work I am!” he snapped, rounding the couch, “He does the same exact thing I do.”

You paused, letting the information sink in, “Why does that matter?”

He shook his head, “Do you really want to be with a guy who spends his nights in bed with women, _____? That’s not exactly the easiest job to trust a man with.”

You didn’t have a retort, “I thought...the majority of the job was just being a companion.”

Shinsou sighed, taking a seat once more, “It really depends on the guy. Denki is pretty popular because he loves to get his dick wet.”

You thought those words would make you feel jealous. The idea of the guy you were seeing fucking other women should make you feel something but instead...you felt almost relieved. Still, it didn’t simmer the anger you felt towards Shinsou at putting his nose in your business.

“You should have come to me and told me your concerns, Shinsou,” you snapped, narrowing your eyes at him, “Instead of going behind my back for me to be dumped.”

“You’re right,” he admitted, biting his lip, “I just...wanted to see if Denki was still the same as he was when I last knew him. It’s just how it happened. I am sorry.”

Sensing his apology was sincere, you relaxed and nodded, “I’ve got to study.”

With that, you hid away in your room.

You couldn’t deny you still felt a bit ticked off with him but at least you were able to move past it. You realized you weren’t truly attached to Kaminari, you were just using him to shove your feelings for Shinsou away ― a pretty dick move on your part. So you were relieved to be out of the relationship.

Unfortunately, this left you with Shinsou once more. Where he once was pushed from your mind for the most part, he now resumed plaguing your thoughts.

You couldn’t deny how tired you were.

It was emotionally exhausting feeling your heart race at the mere sight of him only for it to ache when you remembered there was no chance in hell he’d even give you the time of day.

Things reached a head when he returned from work. Eleven months in and all the negative feelings and tension finally culminated.

“Hey Shinsou,” you called, finding him leaning against the kitchen island with a cereal bar in his hands.

He looked over his shoulder, an unusually cold look in his eyes as he regarded you, “What?”

You tried not to flinch at the tone, frowning, “Is everything okay?”

“Fine,” he snapped and you sighed, realizing he was in one of his moods, “What do you want?”

“I...nevermind,” you shrugged, “We’ll talk when you’re in a better mood.”

You hadn’t meant for it to be something to piss him off further. You truly meant that you would wait until he felt better to talk. For some reason, however, he took it wrong.

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” he growled, pushing himself off of the counter to storm up to you.

“Nothing!” you defended, “I don’t want to get into anything with you, okay?”

“If you have something to say then just say it!” he snapped, making you shake your head.

“No!” you argued, turning on your heel to storm into your bedroom.

Before you could get very far, however, a tight hand was wrapped around your elbow, pulling you back.

“Don’t fucking run from me!” his tone sent shivers down your spine, the angry fire burning in his eyes finally snapping something inside you.

“I am so fucking tired of this!” you tore your arm from his grip, not missing the frustrated grunt he gave in response, “This shit isn’t working anymore, Shinsou! You clearly don’t know what the hell to do with yourself; you come home from working and you’re in a shit mood and you take it out on me. Then you act like everything is perfectly fine. You know how I feel about you, so you can’t even pretend that doesn’t have anything to do with your behavior. In fact, I know it affects you because why else would you have convinced the only guy I’ve seen in the past like two years to dump me like trash! All over this stupid fucking job of yours. I don’t want to deal with the shitty way you make me feel, Shinsou!”

“So?” he snapped, teeth bared.

“So I’m gonna fucking move out!” you threatened, standing nose to nose with him.

His eyes narrowed and he let out a humourless laugh, “Fine! The sooner the better!”

With those last words he stormed past you, slamming his bedroom door with deafening finality.

You were left alone in the living room, fists clenched as tears you’d held back so long finally broke free.

A stupid purple haired idiot was not worth being hurt so much over. That you were sure of.

It’s not like he even cared, apparently.

With that thought finally pushing you into action, you returned to your own room to begin looking for new housing.

In all your time living with him, the longest you went without seeing him was two days. Once a month when he went to work ― that was the only length of time you didn’t see him every day.

Now, however, the two of you were avoiding each other like the plague. You had been busting your ass finding a new apartment, going to school, and working as usual. Shinsou had been hiding in his room the majority of the time.

You even stopped cooking.

Part of you wondered if he even noticed. Deep down, however, you knew he probably didn’t care.

He would just get a new roommate and go on like usual. Like you had never existed.

At least you’d be able to get over him then.

It took a month before you found a decent place. It was nowhere near as nice as your current one but there was nothing you could do about that. Your situation with Shinsou was unique and you knew you were never gonna have an opportunity like this again.

You came to terms with that.

Wandering out of your room, you were surprised to find him sitting on the couch. His nose was buried in his phone but the TV played his usual shows.

“Hey,” you greeted, keeping your voice even. He grunted in response, not looking up, “I found a place. I’ll be out by the end of the week.”

He didn’t say anything and you sighed, feeling your eyes burn.

How you wished he would say something to stop you ― to show you that the past year wasn’t a huge waste of time and that you really meant nothing to him. You felt you could have at least called yourselves friends but...apparently that was one sided.

The thought hurt so you escaped to your room once again to hide.

The night before your move, you were laying in bed playing a game on your phone. Laying on your back, you held the screen up and tapped your thumbs aggressive against the screen. Your momentum was lost by three sharp knocks on your door. You cried out as your phone fell from your hand and dropped on your face.

“Shit,” you groaned, tossing it away and getting up from bed.

Opening the door, your words caught in your throat at the sight of Hitoshi Shinsou’s sleepy gaze fixated on you. His hand was clasped around the nape of his neck and he was looking away nervously.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” his head snapped towards you, eyes wide before you realized how that sounded, “I-I mean I thought you were supposed to be gone! You know...to work.”

His shoulders relaxed slightly and he shrugged, “I cancelled. I...wanted...no, I needed to talk to you. Can I come in?”

You stood there for a few seconds, thinking it over before stepping aside to let him in. He gave you a tight lipped smile before you shut the door behind him. Turning to face him, you took note of the way his free hand was shoved into his sweats pocket. The tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife.

“What...what did you need?” you asked, sitting on the edge of your bed.

He remained standing, obviously thinking over his words carefully. His back was to you, his figure hunched slightly in his usual posture. But you couldn’t miss the tension his form held.

“I never intended this to become a long-term thing,” for a moment you thought he was talking about your living arrangement but before you could refute, he was turning to you, “This sugar baby thing, that is. I had a friend who did it and made some good money from it and eventually I got into the scene and realized just how good it could pay. It’s been like 2 or 3 years now since I’ve been at it.”

He dropped his hand from around his neck, beginning to pace around your room to gaze at your various knick-knacks. He paused at the few boxes you had packed up already, a frown marring his face.

“I make even more money by selling the presents I get. Sometimes the clients will give me jewelry or clothes, I always sell them,” he sighed, picking up a snow globe that sat atop your dresser, shaking it mindlessly to watch the fake snow float around the glass.

“Why are you telling me this?” you asked softly.

“The truth is, I hate the majority of my job,” he confessed, ignoring your question, “Most of the people are pretentious assholes who think they’re better than me because they pay me. I don’t mind being arm candy, it doesn’t really bother me. And not gonna lie sometimes the sex is bomb,” he chuckled almost lifelessly and you ignored the pang in your chest at his words, “But the position I’m in forces me to basically do whatever they want me to. Naturally, I have limits and shit but if they want to dominate me I let them and that sucks.”

“Hitoshi,” you grumbled, making him look at you, “Why are you telling me about your sexual preferences?”

“Oh right…” he shook his head, “I hate doing it because I don’t have much control in my life because of it,” he looked at you with fierce eyes, “That’s why...I want to say fuck it.”

Before you could respond, he was walking up to you, cupping your cheek in a warm hand. Your eyes were wide, staring up at him as he moved close to you, his lips brushing yours.

“It’s been so fucking painful letting you go,” he whispered, “Having to reject you and let you go out with fucking Denki nearly broke me down, not gonna lie. I didn’t want him to hurt you, that’s why I interfered...but I also...didn’t want to let him have you when I wanted you so damn bad myself.”

Your heartbeat stuttered as you stared up at him, wide eyed, “D-Does that mean you…”

He nodded, “Shit, I’ve liked you for so long, _____. It’s been so hard not telling you how I feel every single day.”

“Hitoshi,” you likced your lips, reaching up to fist the front of his shirt. He hummed before you spoke again, “Please kiss me.”

There was a quick flash of his smile before his lips met yours ― every bit as soft as you expected them to be. You could faintly taste toothpaste on his lips but you didn’t mind one bit, he probably tasted the same from you.

His hand moved from your cheek to your jaw, angling your head to deepen the kiss. Your own hands moved around his shoulders, pulling him closer.

You quickly found yourself on your back, his hand wandering up the hem of your shirt, touching the bare skin of your stomach. You whimpered, fisting his hair as you kept him locked in a kiss. He didn’t seem to mind, simply sighing against your lips.

You still had questions but you couldn’t bear the thought of stopping this so you tucked them into the back of your mind, devoting yourself to what was right in front of you.

Shinsou sat up just slightly, breaking the kiss. You almost whined but the feeling of his hand creeping upwards towards your bare breast stopped you.

“Is this okay?” he asked for your consent, pausing before he actually touched you.

“Very,” you breathed, tugging him back down for another kiss.

Immediately, he cupped your breast, thumbing your already erected nipple. You gasped into his mouth, earning an amused chuckle from him.

“Sensitive?” he asked, pecking your lips before suddenly sitting back.

This time you did whine at the loss. He flashed you a fond smile before pushing the hem of your shirt up to your neck, revealing your chest to his greedy eyes.

“D-Don’t just stare,” you complained, feeling your cheeks burn as he admired your body.

“Sorry,” he replied insincerely, cupping your breast once more, “You have such pretty tits, you know? I couldn’t help it.”

You scoffed but it turned into a choked gasp as he enveloped your pert bud in his hot mouth, wet tongue lashing against it before he pulled away with a firm suck. You wrapped your hands in those soft, purple tresses and whined. His other hand came up to pinch your other nipple, making sure to give it just as much attention.

“Toshi…” you whined, tugging his hair until he pulled away, his lips swollen.

“What is it, baby?” he hummed, nosing at your neck to press soft kisses there.

“T-Take your shirt off,” you breathed, tugging at the hem until you were able to pull it over his head with a bit of assistance.

Once he was as shirtless as you, your hands began to wander to touch every bit of skin you had long to for so long. He let you explore, letting out a soft sigh when you brushed over one of his hardened nipples. You didn’t linger in one place for long, quickly growing too curious at the sight of his member straining against those damn sweatpants he always wore.

His head tipped back as you palmed him through the fabric, quickly noticing that he wasn’t wearing any underwear. Eagerly, you dipped your fingers beneath the hem and pulled his cock free, your fingers not even able to touch once wrapped around.

He was thick, a curve to his length that you just knew would hit a certain spot inside of you that would make you lose your mind. The head was a flushed red color, leaking precum that you used to give him a couple easy strokes.

He reached down, grabbing your wrist to stop you before slipping his own hand down the hem of your shorts and panties.

Your hips bucked the second his fingers made contact with your folds ― already dripping wet and coating his digits generously. He gave a few soft circles to your clit, testing your sensitivity before finding the pressure that had you cunt clenching around nothing.

You whined, grinding your hips against his touch in hopes he’d slip at least one of those long fingers into you. Thankfully, you were granted your wish and more as he easily slid his middle and ring fingers in.

He groaned as you walls tightly clenched around him, trying to desperately pull him back in whenever he pulled them out slightly.

“Feel good?” he breathed, already knowing the answer but craving your praise.

“So good,” you whimpered, biting your lip. He curled his fingers suddenly, nailing that sweet, spongy spot on your upper wall, “Right there!” you gasped.

He grinned, massaging that one pleasure-point with vigor, “Yeah? Right there, kitten?”

You keened at the name, walls clenching. He groaned at the feeling, suddenly pulling his hand free from your shorts. You didn’t have time to complain before he was tugging the remaining articles down your legs to toss away.

He moved with practice expertise, grabbing you beneath the thighs to pin them open. Your wet cunt was exposed to his all too greedy eyes. He licked his lips at the sight, making your cheeks burn.

Before you knew it, he was kneeling on the floor beside the bed, tugging you down just a bit so your ass was almost hanging off the edge. The position left you completely at his mercy. He knew it too.

You watched with bated breath as he spread your folds open ― revealing the shiny, pink hole that continuously dripped your arousal. It clenched beneath his leering gaze and he groaned.

“Fuck!” you squealed when he dove forward to wrap his lips around your hardened clit.

He hummed at your taste, sending vibrations through the little bud. He quickly abandoned that in favor of getting a full taste of your juices. Tonguing your entrance, he reveled in how tight you were around his tongue.

You reached down, tanging your fingers in his hair as he ate you with all he had. His tongue worked expertly to circle your clit before dipping back down to your hole once again.

“Please, put your fingers in,” you begged, desperate to be filled.

He quickly obliged, slipping two long digits into your clenched pussy before mouthing over your clit eagerly. He could already feel you clenching sporadically around him and he couldn’t resist setting a quick pace, hammering against your sweet spot with every movement.

Your muscles were taught as you felt that glorious high building up. Soft pleas left your lips as your back arched.

“Gonna cum, kitten?” he tasted, flicking his tongue against your clit.

“Y-Yeah!” you sobbed, abandoning your hold on his hair to tear at your blankets ― not wanting to hurt him in your throes of pleasure.

“Cum then,” the casual way he said those words flicked a switch and you were cumming.

He groaned through your high, feeling your cunt spasm around him. He felt your cum gush from around his digits, soaking them as you clit throbbed beneath the pad of his tongue. Once your body began to relax, he pulled away.

Your thighs slammed shut once he was out of the way, your muscles trembling through the intense aftershocks. While you were coming down, he stripped himself of his sweats, popping his cum-soaked fingers into his mouth with a groan as he fisted his cock to the sight of you trembling.

The fact he made you cum so hard was a boost to his ego and he didn’t bother fighting the prideful grin on his face. Sweat coated your skin and made your hair stick to your neck.

After several seconds, he climbed onto the bed and maneuvered you so your head was in the pillows. You bit your lip and grinned slyly at him as he climbed onto the bed.

“Shit uh…” he looked around your room quickly, a frown on his lips. You looked up at him curiously before he explained, “Condom?”

You bit your lip and shook your head, “D-Don’t worry about it.”

“Huh?” he gaped down at you.

You shrugged, “I’m on the pill and well...I’m sure you use condoms with you...job, right?”

“Always,” he blinked.

“Then…” you wiggled your hips at him with a cheeky grin.

He chuckled, leaning down to press a kiss to your lips. Reaching between the two of you, he gripped his cock and tapped the head of it against your folds. Your thighs jumped as he slapped lightly against your sensitive clit.

Finally, he began to press into you and your mouth fell open at the delicious stretch his cock gave you. He clenched his teeth, letting you soft groans as he sunk more of his length into you. Your walls gripped him so tightly, spasming and clenching as he was fully seated within you.

The two of you had to pause before continuing, the feeling of him filling you up too much. His cock was thick, making you feel like he was stuffing you full.

“Please,” you begged, fisting the pillows on either side of your head as he sat back on his heels.

Gazing between your thighs, he nearly lost it at the sight of your cunt stretched tight to accommodate him. He thumbed over your clit, receiving a sharp cry from your lips.

“Fuck...you’re so fucking tight,” he growled, circling his hips against yours with a groan, “I can feel you clenching so tight around me. Bet you wanna cum again, huh?”

“Yes!” you cried quickly, mouth agape as he gave a sudden thrust, “Please make me cum!”

He shushed you, rubbing his thumbs over your hips, “Don’t worry, kitten, I got you...I’ll get you there.”

Before you could respond, he was setting an almost brutal pace. You always imagined what Shinsou would be like in bed ― you pictured it too many times at night. Sometimes you imagined he would take it slow with deep, intense thrusts. Other times you’d picture exactly this; rough, harsh thrusts that you were sure were going to leave you sore when the morning came.

You had no complaints though.

Hitoshi gripped you beneath your knees, pinning your legs to your chest as he fucked you. Your cunt gushed around him, making lewd, wet noises reverberate around the room and mingle with your mixed moans. He let out groans of pleasure, strands of purple hair sticking to his forehead.

You couldn’t help but admire the sight of him ― muscles rippling and moving with the force of his thrusts. Reaching up, you pulled him closer against you, dragging your nails across his shoulder blades.

He winced but you felt his cock twitch at the pinch of pain inflicted as a result. You thought back to what you saw that one night ― the marks some random woman left on his body. Suddenly, you were overcome with the need to mark him as yours.

Catching him by surprise, you managed to flip him over, straddling his waist, using his strong chest as leverage to fuck yourself on his thick cock. The new angle allowed him to reach even deeper, almost hitting your cervix every time you sunk down on him. He gripped your hips, assisting your movements as he tossed his head back into the pillows.

“Shit, that’s it, kitten,” he praised, reaching up to pinch one of your nipples.

You keened at the praise, leaning down to deliver a sharp bite against his shoulder, sucking at the skin until a bright red mark bloomed. You eyed it proudly, biting your lip as you ground against his cock, making sure your clit got the attention it needed.

Shinsou bucked into you, making you whine as he started a steady pace of bouncing. Your thighs burned but it was worth the sight of having him beneath you. The way he stared up at you, as if you were a goddess made your heart race.

“Toshi…” you whined, leaning back to steady yourself on his thighs as he started to thrust up into you.

“What is it, babygirl?” he grunted, gripping your hips tightly as he fucked his thick cock into your gushing cunt.

“Make me cum, please!” you begged, biting your lip.

He grinned, bringing his thumb to his lips to lick the pad of it, “I got you, baby.”

Before you could think of a response, he was circling his thumb around your clit, the bud desperate for attention. Your body tensed with just a few quick circles of his thumb, his cock angled against your g-spot so perfectly that you immediately reached your high.

Through your own cries of pleasure, you heard him moaning alongside you before he froze, his cock buried deep inside you as he came. His cock throbbed and pulsed with every jet of hot cum he released into your clenching walls.

All at once, things stilled. You both relaxed against each other. His cock was still stuffed inside you, softening as his cum leaked out around him to make a mess between the two of you. You laid your head against his chest, his large hand cupping the back of it, pressing soft kisses against your forehead until your heartbeats finally slowed to a reasonable pace.

“Let’s take a bath, baby,” he groaned as he sat up, keeping you secure in his lap.

You were surprised he could carry you so easily after he nearly fucked the very life out of you.

Soon enough, you found yourself surrounded by sweet-smelling water with a fucked-out Shinsou cuddling against your back.

“Not to...ruin this afterglow bliss,” you hummed, leaning back against him as the warm water ripped around you, “But what brought this confession on suddenly? I thought you said your job doesn’t allow room for relationships.”

He was quiet for several, long seconds before he leaned forward to press a kiss to your shoulder, “I didn’t think it was fair to let myself be with you when I was going out once a month to hang around with a bunch of women. It isn’t something I want to put you through.”

“So you’re going to quit?” you asked.

He nodded, “I probably won’t be able to make enough money to keep this place but...if it means I can have you without feeling like shit about hurting you, then yeah. It’ll be worth it, I’m sure.”

“Why don’t you just…” you bit your lip, pausing.

“What?” you questioned, gripping your chin to make you look at him, “Talk to me.”

You hummed, “Just stop with the sex and kissing stuff...just be arm candy, like you said. Hang out with them. They’ll still pay for that, right?”

He raised a brow, shifting so he could look better at your face, “You’d be okay with me going to hang out with a bunch of women who want nothing more than to sit on my dick?”

“Well…” you cleared your throat, your cheeks burning, “As long as only I get to sit on your dick then it’ll be fine. I trust you, Hitoshi.”

He was quiet once again before a smile fell across his lips, leaning forward to press a kiss to your lips, “We’ll talk more about it later. Let’s just relax.”

He tucked you against his chest, leaning back against the porcelain of the tub. With his fingers caressing across your skin, you allowed yourself to drift off ― finally wrapped up in those damn arms you dreamed of.

#bnha x reader #shinsou x reader #hitoshi shinsou x reader #shinsou hitoshi x reader #bnha smut #shinsou smut #afton.writes

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peachyproserpina · 3 years ago

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Wickedly Domestic - Roommates and Puppies

Now that I am back on tumblr I figured I might as well upload my John Wick x Fat!OC fic here as well. Maybe I'll find the motivation to write it as well.

TW: Alternate Universe Canon Diverence, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Sex

If I miss anything please let me know!

There is a consistent thunk, thunk, thunk of her roommates bed hitting the wall. Despite a whole floor separating them she could still hear the sounds of her roommate getting fucked into next week, literally. Usually Maria wouldn’t care that her roommates late at night shenanigans would run into the next morning but, there was more at stake on the agenda today than usual. Maria pressed her pillow over her ears and looked at her phone; it was almost 4 am Monday morning.

There was a meeting in downtown New York that she had to attend, which the commute was a little more intense then she usually had to deal with. Living and working in a suburb outside of New York City allowed for a stress and traffic free drive to work, usually 15 minutes or less, but driving into the city always was a hassle, that drive tends to be close to an hour. Maria rubbed at her eyes and unlocked her phone, she still had 3 hours before she had to be downtown. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, this meeting was with the CEO. Those kinds of meetings either ended up in promotion or termination, she buried her face into her pillow. She could still hear the thunk and a few giggles from her roommate and company. Considering she was already up and too anxious to go back to bed she might as well get her workout in now instead of later.

Heaving herself up and out of bed with a groan she let out a yawn before looking around for her workout clothes. Pulling on her leggings and finding a clean shirt she fished around her room for her headphones. Despite living in New York state for a little over 3 months now she still hasn’t completely unpacked. Moving boxes were still stacked around the room and there was a stack of art needing to be hung up.

She wasn’t planning on moving when she did, the roommate who was busy getting fucked, offered her a place to stay. All she had to do was pay utilities and cook for the house once a week. The home had been a surprise to her roommate Cooper. An estranged great Aunt had willed it over to her, Cooper was already living in New York, and the full ride she received was barely enough to cover the dorm she had to split with 2 other people. When she was contacted by lawyers telling her she is now a proud homeowner and didn’t have to worry about student loans for the rest of her life.

One of the first things she did was reach out to Maria. Cooper was well aware of the tension at home, brewing in Maria’s family since they met in high-school. Unfortunately she had first hand seen more tear stained faces and frustration that Maria was put through. They spoke often and were close, promising to push each other to do amazing things. Sometimes amazing things means moving across the country but their love and friendship didn’t diminish over the distance. So offering the room

All Maria had to do was fund the move and drive 30 hours across the country. Dying to get out of the town she has spent her whole life, as well as always loving the east coast, she packed up, put in her two weeks at her current job and submitted an application to anywhere within a 10 mile radius of her new address. She thanked the stars when a local bank picked up her application and allowed for Skype and phone interviews, giving her the job before she even moved out there. She was introduced to her coworkers through a group chat and she fell into her role easily before she even met them in person.

The hardest part had been leaving old friends, leaving her family on the other hand had been a blessing. Her father and his side of the family had always been hard to please and any relationship with them over the last couple of years had been more of a formality than anything else. Her mother was a different story, tears were shed and a few fights were had due to this hasty decision on moving across the country. Maria’s mother had always wanted more for her daughter than what she currently had but packing up and leaving across the country in less than a month gave her mother bad feelings. Her mother backed off and gave Maria her blessing once she got her job, knowing how stubborn her daughter is once she puts her mind to something.

Her siblings had felt the same way, constant calls and texts were exchanged during the long drive while everyone was proud and knew she would be better for the move. It still hurt, promising to visit during holidays and letting them stay over if they ever visited. But it was like ripping off a bandaid. It had to be done or else it festers and could lead to infection, staying stagnant had been driving her crazy.

Once changed and headphones found under some papers she had been reviewing at her desk, she slid them over her ears and made her way upstairs, closing the door and making sure it was locked behind her. Her cat had the habit of running outside and getting lost or turning up at the local shelter and the last thing she needed was to also be worrying about her cat while she was working in the city.

She jogged down to the gate and opened it before she got into her car and made her way to the nature preserve just a few minutes away from her home. She could have ran there but she wasn’t quite ready to commit to the workout while the air was so chilly. By the time she has parked and started her stretches the world had started to wake up around her, birds chirping and the distant sounds of honking while she tried to figure out what playlist she wanted to run to. Deciding on something beat heavy she started down the trail that would lead over the swamp, it had been a while since she had run outside, usually opting to do her cardio in a class setting or on a treadmill while she binges whatever series she is watching on Netflix at the moment.

She was only half a mile in the trail before she had to stop for a moment. Her “ultra support” sports bra did not help as much as she hoped, having big tits was a blessing and a curse. They made working out hell on earth but it got her more free drinks at the bar then she would like to admit. But it also kept her from being able to run as much as she would like to before she has to stop and readjust.

She pulled out her phone and checked the time, quarter past 5 am, she still had time. She could do a mile before she went home and showered and get ready for a grueling day. She paused her music, taking deep breaths before she started up again, she thought she heard rustling behind her. Which despite being close to the city the swamp held more wildlife than she thought it would. She sat and listened, chancing a glance behind her. The sun was nearly up but running by herself in public always put her on edge. There was always the chance of someone grabbing her and doing whatever they would like to her, she shuddered and unlocked her phone, sending her location and a text as to when she would be back to the roommate group chat. Just in case she were to get snatched up at least her roommates would know where she was last.

She started up again, turning her music up all the way to drown out her heavy breathing and the sound of her feet hitting the trail. It wasn’t until she was almost across one of the many bridges in the nature preserve stretching her calf muscles when she felt something warm and slimy against the skin of her leg. She screamed and pulled her head phones off, looking down to see if she had unknowingly picked up a slug or if some creep had managed to sneak up on her. Letting out a sigh when she saw it was a small Beagle, whining and licking at her leg. She crouched down pet the dog who was whining at her feet.

“Hey baby, where are your parents?” She picked up the dog and looked it over, she saw a name tag, “Daisy- that’s a cute name. Matches my tattoo,” she flipped over the name tag and saw an address, thankful she wouldn't have to drop the dog off at home and try to find her owners later. Daisy fell asleep in her arms while she walked the pup back to her car, the thought on finishing her run gone from her mind. Once the dog was rested safely in her front seat and plugged the address into her phone. It was a quick drive back to the owners house thankfully, it was getting dangerously close to 6 am but she couldn’t not take the sleepy baby home.

She knew if her cat went missing longer than usual or her roommates dog she would be worried sick. No parent should be worried about their baby, that was the biggest motivator for her as she snaked through the neighborhood following her GPS until she pulled up to one of the biggest houses she had ever seen. She knew she lived in affluent part of the state but pulling up the gravel driveway of what was basically a mansion she started to sweat. The bouncing of her car woke the puppy up, who was happily wagging her tail, grateful to be home after wandering away in the early morning. Maria smiled, happy that the pup was glad to be home.

“Lets go baby, let's get you back home.” Daisy ran up the door and pawed at it. Maria knocked and waited a moment, when she didn’t hear any movement in the house she rang the doorbell. Daisy was sitting by her feet waiting patiently for the door to open, it felt like hours while she stood in the massive door hoping someone was home to take the pup in. In reality It had probably been only 5 or so minutes, she chanced a glance around the driveway and didn’t see a car. Figuring that whoever would have been home was gone she turned and started walking back to her car, calling for Daisy, she could take her home and try again after work. Knowing her roommates would be sympathetic to the lost puppy and take care of her until she could try again. It was then she heard the large door open. She turned and nearly lost her balance when she caught a glance at the man who opened the door.

#peachy writes #wickedly domestic #john wick x oc #john wick fic #slow burn #I hope yall like this #it's been my baby for years #im getting to the smut promise

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purplesurveys · 3 years ago

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1248

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? I feel like I’ve answered a similar situation recently, but I would assume it was a drunk text or wrong text, inform them about it, and move on.

Do you play video games? Nah. I do feel a sort of connection of video games since I grew up surrounded by them, though; but I’m more of a watcher than anything. I like watching playthroughs of video games I’ll never play. Do you spend a lot of time with family? No. We used to, back when the quarantine was still a relatively new thing – we hung out in the living room all the time. But now that we’ve settled in this new normal, we’re back to our normal routines and I usually like staying in my room.

Is your house more than two stories tall? Technically, yes. We have a rooftop that serves as the ‘third’ floor.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? My ex and I never hit one another; that’s a gigantic red flag even I would notice, considering I ignored most of the ones I saw hahaha.

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) I’m not sure if I’ll be able to answer this question directly, but I like my generosity. I’m not sure if I can call it attractive, though. But if we were focusing on physical features, I like my smile.

What color is your hairbrush/comb? Pink.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm? My dad splurged on chips in his last grocery run so we actually have quite a lot of junk food in the pantry at the moment. He also bought several packs of cookie sandwiches, wafers, sunflower seeds, and garlic-flavored peanuts.

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? Neither.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? No, she’s just a good friend of mine.

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? I guess I don’t, because I’m not even aware of them.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? Guy. It was another reporter, so I just ignored it and luckily he didn’t PM me just to ask to add him back, which others have already done. I really hate when work people try to make their way into my personal accounts.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? My parents, especially when they are rude to service crew. Gen X-ers are impeccably talented at that, apparently.

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? Around two or three weeks ago when I had dinner at Angela’s. Her dad gave me a bar of Crunch so I can have something sweet after our meal.

Do you play any games on Facebook? No, I never did hop on that trend.

What would you like to get a degree in? I wanted a degree in journalism, and graduated with such. At the end of my college stint I didn’t want to pursue it anymore, but I pushed through with it anyway because it was too much of a hassle to shift and start all over.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? Technically not, because I stay up until the middle of the night anyway. It’s been a while since I fell asleep anywhere between 8 to 10 PM.

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? Watch a show.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? I don’t like either; I get fries instead.

What genre of films do you like the best? Drama.

How many bank accounts do you have? Two but I haven’t been using the other one in months. That was the bank account I initially opened when I first started ~adulting~ but when I got employed I was required to enroll in this other specific bank, so that’s what I mainly use now.

Have you ever had the flu? Not really. I just get the occasional fever that pop out of nowhere.

What is your goal for the next few months? Start saving FOR REAL, and also prioritizing furniture over merch for a while so I can finally fix up my room, which is quickly starting to look and feel like just a warehouse and not very homey at all.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? Nope.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. Yeah, it was from barbecue that apparently went bad, even though it tasted nothing of the sort. I woke up at 3 AM sweating profusely and with the most excruciating stomachache; I was feeling hot, cold, and nauseous all at the same time, and it probably lasted for like an hour or so.

What are two things that you have no problem paying full price for? Sealed albums and my pets’ vet expenses.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. Charming and smart.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? It felt nice to help people.

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? Good question; I’ve never encountered this before. I would let her live a more comfortable, privileged life, where she didn’t have to staple her shoes to keep them closed or have to choose between eating at a fast food restaurant or being able to commute back home.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? I’m not sure, actually. Everyone’s always slightly taller than me.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? I haven’t.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? Tumblr, I guess? My survey blog isn’t for any irls to see.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping? I don’t really do either often, but I’ll go with mopping.

Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious? Not for me.

Did you pull a senior prank? No, that’s not a thing here. Did you graduate? Yeah, elementary, high school, and college.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? Nope.

What was the last song you listened to? It’s a song called Epiphany.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? Not ever since I was like 9 lol.

Is fashion one of your interests? I’m way more interested in it now for sure, mostly because the celebrities I’m into these days put a lot of effort when it comes to their style; so it makes me more aware of the trends that come and go, as well.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? I’m keeping it as a possibility, but it’s not a priority for me now.

Do you care what people think? To an extent, I would say. My life doesn’t depend on it, though.

Is acting something you enjoy? Never been.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained? Do you mean a thing or a body part? Anyway, I’ll answer both. The last thing I broke was my BTS Mic Drop pen of V looooooooooool the figurine came off the pen :(( It was pretty cheap though so I’m fine with it; I can always get another one. Last body part I sprained was my ankle, when I had a bad fall a couple of years ago.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? Either hasn’t happened.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? I don’t think so.

Whose house, other than yours and your families', are you most comfortable at? Angela’s. Also JM’s, just because their family doesn’t hover and that vibe can sometimes be nice whenever I’m at someone else’s place.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? Never.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? Not as a very young kid, but I took up table tennis starting when I was 12. Did you ever watch the show Full House? Nope.

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? Now that’s just delusional haha. I’m pretty obsessed with some celebrities, that much I can admit; but thinking of them in the context of marriage is so many steps overboard.

Have you ever burned someone’s picture? No. I could, but I am scared of fire and will probably just think of other ways to express my anger, like tearing up the photograph. What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? Total length was probably like 3 hours. I haven’t gone too far when it comes to hiking.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? Not interested.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? Hans.

Do your parents smoke cigarettes? My mom tried it once in her life, I think. My dad has never smoked.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? “Hope right here!”

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Anything that’s supposed to roam freely in the wild, like squirrels.

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Taller, since I’m already quite pint-sized to begin with lol.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Sometimes. Other times, it's too painful. It also depends on the era of the pictures. < Agree, especially with the eras. Childhood photos are always fun to look at, but I have had to delete a CHUNK of photos from years ranging from 2014 to 2020 because I’ve lost a handful of friends from that period.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? It’s hard to for the most part, but I’ve noticed very few people people really don’t. Most of the time it’s bullshit though.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? That it’s pretty close to the metro.

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during? Hmm, I prefer TV shows if I’m craving comedy.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? Life Is Beautiful.

What’s your favorite restaurant? Omakase for my sushi fix; School Tteokbokki if I want Korean; Yabu if I’m looking for a generous rice meal.

Is there a dessert you don’t like? Anything with fruits.

Favorite album? After Laughter by Paramore.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? I can name authors instead of books – John Green and Haruki Murakami.

Underwater or outer space? Outer space.

Dogs or cats? Dogs.

Kittens or puppies? Puppies.

Bird watching or whale watching? Whale watching. I don’t get to be in the water as much, so I would jump at the opportunity.

What is your spirit animal? I dunno if I have one but let’s just go with dog and elephant, I guess? They’re my favorites.

What was your best subject in school? History.

What was your worst subject in school? Chemistry.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? Don’t waste your time.

Who is your fashion icon? Audrey Hepburn.

Diamonds or pearls? Diamonds.

What color dress did you wear to prom? For my own prom it was cream-colored/beige. When I went to Mike’s ball, I went with a royal blue gown.

What’s your favorite plot-twist? I don’t think I’ve found my favorite yet.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? Not actively.

Honestly, what’s the worst thing you’ve done when you were mad? I dunno...road rage, maybe?

Honestly, ever made anyone cry when you were mad? It’s very likely.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? Sometime in the last week.

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? No thanks.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? Nope.

Who are you closest to? Angela.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No, all the ones I’ve been to have been amazing experiences.

Are you currently sad about anything? Not really. I can’t complain.

Have you had any form of exercise today? Nah.

Can you handle blood? Nope, I will feel faint if I see it 100%.

Has any place hired you underage for a job? No.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? I haven’t.

Are you currently searching for a job? No, I like the one I have.

Does eating breakfast make you sick? No?

#survey #surveys

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michaelgambons · 4 years ago

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Baseline Romantic

Chapter 4

‘Shit’ she said, sitting up abruptly, the alarm temporarily forgotten.

The last night comes flooding back to her. She turned to look at Ben, still fast asleep next to her, mouth slightly ajar. He looks ridiculously good, blonde hair falling slightly over his forehead, long eyelashes fluttering slightly.

What on Earth had she been thinking? Nausea rose in her as she realised the implications of what she’d done. Not only had she slept with one of her best friends, who she was sure would normally have no interest in sleeping with her had they both not been so blackout drunk, but it had been really good sex. The best Y/N had had in ages. And then there was Dan, Y/N groaned slightly as she remembered. What on earth would she tell him? Should she tell him? What did she want? Did she want Ben?

She brushed that thought from her mind. Dan. That’s what she needed to sort first.

She swung her legs out of bed, nausea mounting. Her taxi to the station was arriving in 30 minutes, and she looked and smelt like she’d spent the weekend at a brewery.

———-

Established on the train packed full of morning commuters, Y/N opened her laptop and tried to concentrate on preparing for her meeting, but her mind couldn’t settle. Guilt overcame her; she can’t believe she’s just cheated on Dan. She would *never* cheat. It wasn’t her, she was loyal to a fault. And yet, she remembers Ben from the previous night, as she had slid his jeans down him, revealing his ridiculously pert bum, his face above hers as he pushed into her, his blonde slick with sweat. She didn’t know sex could be that good. Even though it’s an ungodly hour of the day, Y/N felt a familiar feeling aching through her body, making her shift awkwardly in her chair.

Snapped back into reality by a commuter squeezing past her, Y/N turns once again to her laptop. Her daydreams would have to wait until later. The policy document wouldn’t write itself.

———

Y/N slumped into her chair, grunting slightly as she checked the time in the bottom of her computer screen. 16:45. Just 15 minutes to go. She checked her phone for the hundredth time that day. Nothing from Dan, but 3 missed calls from Ben.

She should have replied to him, they needed to talk it out. To try and rescue their friendship before it was too late. But whenever Y/N had plucked up the courage to call him back throughout the day, something else had got in the way.

‘You look very sorry for yourself today Y/N’ Megan says, laughing as she gazed over her computer at you. ‘Good weekend?’

Y/N glanced around before she answered. She had to get this off her chest, she needed to talk to someone about it. And who better to talk to than Megan, who knew no one involved and could tell no one?

Y/N take a deep breath. ‘Mate’, she whispered, ‘I really fucked up. Big time’

Megan laughed at Y/N before realising that she wasn’t joking. Concern clouded her face. ‘What happened?’ she asks. ‘Actually’ she said , looking at her watch, ‘tell me over a pint. I’m buying.’

—————

‘Which one’s Ben again?’ Megan asked, frowning slightly, taking a sip of her pint.

They’re huddled at the back of a bursting pub full of loud businessmen in slick suits, cradling their pints.

‘The actor one’ Y/N responded. ‘Blonde hair-‘

Megan interrupted ‘-killer cheekbones? I know which one you mean. He’s fucking gorgeous. What about him anyway?’

Megan sits for a second after Y/B finished telling her story. Her silence is deafening.

‘Have you spoken to Dan yet?’ Megan asked

‘No’, Y/N responds, ‘I feel sick even thinking about it.’

‘Stop me if I’m wrong though, Y/N, but it doesn’t sound like you really want to be with Dan at the moment. No one cheats’ (Y/N recoiled slightly at the use of the phrase, still unused to hearing it directed at her) ‘because they’re happy in their relationship. It doesn’t come out of nowhere’.

Y/N sighed slightly. ‘I know. I know, it’s just... it’s easy. It’s familiar. And who knows... if I leave Dan when will I next meet someone I like? Or who likes me back? It’s such a leap into the unknown’

Megan stared at Y/N incredulously. ‘Are you seriously telling me Y/N, that you’re staying with this bloke because you’re worried you’ll never meet anyone else? Did the last weekend happen in a parallel fucking universe? You can get anyone you set your mind to. Clearly’ she said, gesturing at you, ‘you can do better than Dan’.

Y/N hummed slightly into her pint, unconvinced.

‘Anyway’ Megan says, smirking, ‘if you’re not interested in dating Ben, can you give me his number?’

—————

Y/N had finally plucked up the courage to return Ben’s calls the day after she got back from Peterborough. Sat on a park bench in her lunch break, sushi balanced on her lap, she had taken a deep breath in before tapping on his name to call him.

‘Y/N- hey!’ Ben answered on the third ring. ‘I thought you were never going to call me back’

‘I’m so sorry, it’s just been so hectic since I got back!’ Y/N lied pathetically

A silence fell between them. Neither knew how to bring up what had happened the previous night.

‘So...’ Ben started,

‘I don’t...’ Y/N started simultaneously

They laughed, which broke some of the tension. ‘You go’ Ben said.

‘I’m so sorry about last night, Ben. I don’t know what I was thinking. It was a huge mistake, I was just completely wrecked. Ive been really worried it’s going to spoil our friendship ’

There was a slight pause before Ben replied. ‘Yeah... absolutely’ he said. Y/N couldn’t help but notice that some of his bounce from earlier had faded. ‘Don’t worry about us’ he continued softly. ‘I was just worried about you!’ He paused before continuing, ‘have you told Dan?’.

‘No’ Y/N replied, ‘not yet. I haven’t really decided what I’m going to do yet. I mean it’s not like I’m in love with you or anything, it was just a drunk mistake!’ she laughed, but Ben was silent.

‘Yeah... sure. Whatever you’re most comfortable with Y/N. I haven’t told anyone, by the way, I assumed you wouldn’t want anyone to know.’

‘I’m so sorry Ben, I feel like I’ve put you in a terrible position’ Y/N replied.

‘Hey! Honestly don’t worry about it. Don’t give it a second thought’. ‘Let’s leave it there, unless there’s anything else you wanted to say. Have you heard about the new Fleetwood Mac Blues album that’s coming out? Wanna come round and listen to it together when it does?’.

Y/N put the phone down 10 minutes later, feeling relieved.

Chapter 5 now out!

https://michaelgambons.tumblr.com/post/622841467806826496/baseline-romantic

#ben hardy #ben hardy imagines #ben hardy smutt #ben hardy x reader

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maknaesdancersrappers · 4 years ago

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july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver.

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left.

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever.

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

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flerghwrites · 5 years ago

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Wickedly Domestic

Hello!

Welcome to the John Wick/OC fanfic I’ve been working on for months. This is a slowburn with eventual smut. So we will get there.

#john wick x oc #john wick x reader #john wick x you #john wick #self insert #so indulgent #oc fanfiction #plus size character #plus size #plus size oc #let me know what you think!

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writing-for-amusement · 5 years ago

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Commission for Confidence, 2

Summary: Y/N has been struggling with her self esteem for years. After incessant pushing from your best friend, Y/N decides to commission an artist to draw her, expecting everything to happen via Internet. However, when your phone is stolen, you try to cancel the commission, but Peter Parker has other ideas. He quickly becomes enraptured by you, and a friendship forms easily. Will it lead to something more? Or will your past fears get in the way?

A/N: Okay, this chapter is necessary, but almost considered filler because you still haven’t met Peter yet. I’m probably going to post Chapter 3 in a couple of hours because I’m impatient and since it’s already written, why not, right? Anyway, I hope you enjoy it!

Taglist: @pparkerwrites, @scatterbrainedgenius

Chapter Two

The next day ended up being much more hectic than you had anticipated. You woke up on time, but due to typical New York rain, your walk was littered with slips and multiple splashes. Not only that, your train ran late, and you were groped a surprising three times.

It was not a good day and it hadn’t even started yet.

You strode into work, dripping wet and with a mud stain on the bottom of your skirt and across your legs, but with your head held high.

You enjoyed your work as an editor for a publishing company. You’d moved from home to settle down in Manhattan for this job (though you were living in Queens); you had your own office with a view, and you were doing something you enjoyed. You got to read the fiction works and decide if it was good enough to move on and become a book (sometimes you got to help artists organize their works into a book). It was lovely for you, a wonderful job to have at what was considered a “young” age.

You dropped your bag on your desk and hurried to the break room. Arthur, a friend you had made immediately upon arrival, was refilling his coffee cup. He looked up at you and grinned, but that changed into concern when he saw your haggard appearance.

“Jesus, love, what happened? Shall I call up Charlie and have him bring you some clean clothes? They’ll be too big, of course, but—”

“It’s fine, Arthur!” you laughed, grabbing the coffee mug you had put into the break room. You poured yourself a large cup and just the smell started to warm your cold bones. “I’ll dry off soon enough.”

“This isn’t your old job, you know you can go home to change and won’t be punished, right?” Arthur asked with a chuckle on his lips.

You threw a sugar packet at him. “I know that, it’s not like I’m new here anymore! Besides, if I get sick, it’s not going to cost me a kidney and a leg because we have insurance.”

“No, it won’t do that,” he agreed as he picked up the packet.

“I’m getting to work,” you informed him, clutching the mug of coffee in your hands and scuttering to your office.

Work happened to be incredibly busy. There were more than thirty transcripts on your desk to work on, several of them rather thick. You actually ended up skipping lunch, instead snacking on an apple you had shoved in your purse before leaving your apartment. Of course, you were reminded of how you worked yourself to the bone when you first arrived at this job.

With the stressful echoes of your horrible old job ringing in your mind, you had worked harder than ever to prove yourself in NYC. Your supervisor was quick to notice how you showed up early and stayed late, reading and marking more than anyone. She pulled you aside, kindly informing you that she knew you were capable, otherwise you wouldn’t have been hired for the job. She also told you to “calm the fuck down” and that, “no one is judging you here, my dear.” It had been incredibly helpful to your adjustment.

Truth be told, you had wanted to hide from your horrible morning. When the day got off to such a rough start, you liked to hide yourself in the transcripts so that you could focus on potentially bolstering the dreams of the authors.

As it neared time to go home, your supervisor appeared at your door. “Hey, Y/N, go ahead and go home. I know you showed up soaked, you deserve an early start to the weekend. Go on, go.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll go, Edith, I’ll go,” you sighed playfully. She smiled at you and blew a small kiss before walking off.

Knowing that it would be a simple night in for you, you grabbed some transcripts to look at over the weekend. With that, and your coffee mug washed, you walked out of the office and into the Manhattan late afternoon sunlight.

It was a calmer commute back to your apartment. At least, it was until you got home.

Your phone was gone.

It must have been taken while you were on the subway, even though you tried so hard to remain vigilant. Knowing New York City, it was gone forever now, and you needed to get to work on not letting people get your information from it.

You logged on to your laptop and quickly went to your phone provider, going through the steps outlined in the “Stolen Phone” section. Losing your phone was not ideal, but you had a plan that covered this situation, so it could have been worse. And, thankfully, you had just backed your phone up to the cloud when you were at work.

After filling out the proper steps, you went to your email inbox and sent out a mass email to your colleagues, letting them know that your phone had been stolen and to email you if they needed anything over the weekend. It was then that you remembered your plan to take reference photos for Peter.

With a sigh, you realized that it would be a better idea to postpone the commission than to keep the seemingly sweet Peter waiting. You began to compose your email, once again thinking too much and taking probably too long for what should have been a simple email. Still, you ended up with this:

“Hi Peter,

I am so sorry, but today my phone was stolen thanks to the ever so amazing New York City subway. I unfortunately do not have another way to take reference photos (none of my friends are available), and I don’t want to fill a spot for your commission that won’t be able to be finished for a while, because my phone is being shipped and won’t be in for about a week. Therefore, so I don’t waste your time, I need to cancel the commission. I’m sorry if I did waste your time.

Thank you for your understanding, Peter. Perhaps I can commission you (for realsies) in the future. I still love your art, btw.

Y/N”

With a deep sigh, you ran a hand through your hair and sent Monica a message on Facebook, explaining the situation. She, of course, sent back multiple sad face emojis, but was overall understanding. Then she offered to hunt down whoever stole your phone and beat them up for making you stressed, which made you laugh.

You ordered some Thai food so that you wouldn’t have to make anything. After the day you’d had, the last thing you wanted was to get sweaty from standing over the hot stove.

As you settled into your couch to wait, with your laptop open next to you so you could message Monica, you got a notification for another email. You saw it was from Peter, and a melancholy smile touched your face.

“Hi Y/N!

Omg you live in the NYC area too??? In that case, if you’re comfortable with it, we could actually do your stuff in person! Only if you’re comfortable with it, of course, and I’d like to meet for coffee before we begin. Getting to know my muse is my favorite part of commissions; usually I just ask questions via email, but this way, we both get coffee!!

Please let me know if you’d be interested in meeting up for coffee in Manhattan this weekend; I think it would be very beneficial.

Thanks, and (hopefully) see you soon!

Peter”

You blinked in surprise after reading the email fifteen times.

Peter was certainly passionate about art and about coffee. Though you didn’t blame him, because as an artist who went through a prestigious university, Peter probably lived almost solely on the beverage for four years. You debated whether you should take him up on his offer, because, well, you did want to meet him.

You were still thinking about it when you turned on your TV and selected the HULU app. You were still thinking about it when you picked a random episode of The Golden Girls. And you were still thinking about it when you answered your door for your takeout.

Finally, as you began to dig into your food, you made your decision. With your takeout container in one hand, you replied to Peter’s email with the other. You suggested your favorite coffee shop, Constellation Bakery and Café, and suggested meeting tomorrow. The ambiance was calm and friendly, so you thought it would be a good meeting place.

After informing Monica of the change in plans, you ate your Thai takeout with a vigor you didn’t know you had. The food was exceptionally delicious today, and the cooks always gave you extra shrimp in your shrimp pad Thai. The comforting food warmed you to the core, and you felt a lot more relaxed than you had in days, even weeks.

Before you went to bed, you got a reply from Peter, agreeing to meet with you at the coffee shop at 1 p.m. With an excited smile on your face, you actually fell asleep easily.

#peter parker x reader #peter parker x plus size reader #peter parker x insecure!reader #artist!peter parker #spider-man x reader #spider-man x plus size reader #reader insert #commission for confidence

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team-free-will-you-idjits-67 · 6 years ago

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Unexpected (Part Two)

Description: A bad date lead you to Family Business Beer Co. where you met the last person you would have expected that night. Jensen Ackles. Your relationship blossomed after that night, turning into something you were afraid to lose.

Characters: Jensen Ackles, Reader

Relationship: Eventual Jensen x Reader

Word Count: 889

Warnings: Fluffy cuteness.

A/N: Big thanks to @justawaywardwinchester for editing this disaster lol.Also, the text exchange between Y/N and Jensen, Jensen is the bolded text and Y/N is the italicized text!

Taglist

Masterlist / Jensen Ackles Masterlist

The bar was now closed. The patrons and employees were gone, leaving you and Jensen alone. The after-close timer had dimmed the lights washing you both in a soft yellow glow.

You giggled as you looked at your phone. 1 AM?

Sighing, your eyes settled back on the genetic masterpiece in front of you, “It’s late, but I had a really great time with you tonight.” You shuffled through your purse, Jensen watching you carefully with a small smile, when you pulled out a pen and scrap piece of paper. You scribbled your name and number on the paper, beaming as you handed it to him, “Use this anytime.” You hopped off the stool and grazed his arm with your hand, “If you want to.”

His eyes sparkled as he stood with you, a smile spread across his face, “Oh, I definitely will.”

You walked towards the door as Jensen piped up, “Do you need a ride at all?”

You half-turned towards him and nodded your head towards the parking lot. “I have my car. Thank you though.”

He nodded, “Okay.” As you exited the bar, he stopped you. “Hey, Y/N,” his voice quivered slightly, “I had a lot of fun tonight.”

You tucked a stray lock of hair behind your ear as you blushed, “I did too. I hope to do it again sometime.”

You turned on your heel and continued the short trek to your car as Jensen locked up the bar. His gaze lingered from the glass door on you as you walked away. You giggled like a giddy school girl as you slid into the driver’s seat and started the ignition. Did tonight really just happen?

You replayed the night in your head as you drove home. The half- hour commute allowed you to analyze every small touch, every dazzling smile that adorned his features, and the casual flirting between you both.

You were reeling.

A smile still there as you pulled into your driveway, you walked into your house and got ready for bed. As you threw your comforter over yourself, your phone chimed from your bedside table. You winced as your phone screen blinded you and quickly swiped on your phone to lower the brightness before you looked at the notification. You smiled as you open your texts and saw the message.

-Hey, is this Y/N? It’s Jensen.

You smiled like an idiot and quickly typed back a response.

-Yeah, it’s me. I’m surprised you texted me.

You bit at your lip as you watched the three gray dots appear and disappear repeatedly on your screen.

-Is that a bad thing?

-Not at all. ;) Most guys live by the 3-day rule.

-Three day rule? Man, dating has changed quite a bit since I was last on the market.

You chuckled.

-I just think it’s a lack of gentlemen out there, like yourself.

-Haha! That might be true.

You set your phone down at your side, trying to think of a response when it vibrated softly. You picked it up to look at another text he sent you.

-You’re a beautiful woman with, from what I could tell with the short amount of time we were together, an amazing personality. I just couldn’t wait and risk having another man try and scoop you up.

You blushed deeply and chortled. Butterflies crept into your stomach as you typed your reply.

-Well, I can definitely tell you no other man is trying to scoop me up currently, but I’m glad that you texted me.

-When can I see you again?

-When do you want to see me again?

Time seemed to pass agonizingly slow as you waited for his reply. Butterflies were flying rampant now and you watched the three gray dots appear on your screen once again.

-Are you busy tomorrow night?

You ran through your schedule in your head quickly before you sent a message back.

-I’ll be done at work around 6. Anytime and anywhere after that works for me.

-Great! Let’s get dinner somewhere. Where would you like to go?

-Hmm. There’s this cute little pizza joint I go to sometimes that has the BEST pizza ever. We can go there if you’re okay with that?

-Pizza sounds great. Do you want to meet there or can I pick you up?

You bit at your fingernails as you thought over what to do. If you met each other for dinner, that would make it just a date. You’d be doing things technically, the ‘right way’ since it would be your first ‘real’ date with him. If he picked you up, it could lead to him staying the night and possibly more. You trusted yourself enough to be a good girl and wait if it ever came to that, but who knows what those emerald green eyes could hypnotize you into doing. Throwing caution to the wind, you decided.

-You can pick me up.

You sent your address in another text with a yawn. You glanced at the clock. 3am. You groaned, thinking about your 8am alarm that was approaching too quickly for your liking.

-I gotta head to bed. I look forward to tomorrow. :)

You locked your phone and laid it back on the bedside table. As you settled back into bed, you fell asleep dreaming of emerald green eyes.

Tags:

Forever Tags:

@emoryhemsworth , @nanie5 , @gabrielslittleangel, @alexwinchester23 , @witch-of-letters , @caswinchester2000 , @justawaywardwinchester , @thehufflepuffblog , @kittenofsarcasm , @missihart23 , @spnfamily-alwayskeepfighting, @team-free-gallagher, @rhiannonj79 , @curly-haired-disaster, @mogaruke, @supernaturalsammy01, @heyitscam99, @hobby27, @crazyrebelbitch87 , @frozenhuntress67, @duskany, @mazie87

Dean/Jensen x Reader Tags:

@unlikelycollectortimetraveler , @xxtheoutsidersxx, @dean-winchesters-bacon, @betsy-bradock, @adoptdontshoppets,

Unexpected:

@daniyell619, @winchester-girl96, @dreaminemz

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exyjunkies · 6 years ago

Text

wonderful tonight

Summary: Right after hosting the Foxes Christmas party, Neil and Andrew have a moment to themselves in their living room. (read on AO3)

A/N: Merry Christmas everyone! I got this finished a day later than I said I would HAHA anyway, I hope everyone’s having a great Christmas <3

Neil doesn’t remember how they got to own this much tableware. He knows he didn’t buy any because they already had the standard set back from the Columbia house, and he’s sure as hell about Andrew not caring enough to get anything new. Maybe they accumulated over the numerous fan presents they’ve received, because some fans were thoughtful enough to really go the extra mile. Maybe they all came in the form of Christmas presents, from those of their circle that believed that he and Andrew were capable of having a family (Nicky, maybe even Matt).

What was funny was that their owned tableware didn’t match, sets upon sets upon sets getting all jumbled up in their cabinets that they didn’t bother matching anything up with counterparts. Which is how when they hosted the Foxes Christmas party in their household, they had more than enough random sets of tableware for everyone to eat with.

This year, they decided to hold it in the backyard, seeing as some of the Foxes needed to bring their kids with them - Kevin and Thea with their four year-old daughter, Nicky and Erik with their twin sons, Dan and Matt with their two kids and newborn, and Aaron and Katelyn with their six year-old son. Renee and Allison were still processing their adoption, so it really was only Neil and Andrew that didn’t opt for having children. It was fine though, because Neil thought that if their house could have any purpose, it would be having the Foxes - his family - over.

Their house was big, probably too big for the both of them and their cats. Andrew had it built after deciding to sell the Columbia house, feeling like they’ve outgrown it and all. Plus, with them being on their respective pro teams, a home in a new location was only logical. The commute to and from each of their teams’ bases was a lot more comfortable after they moved, and they decided to stay there even after the both of them were signed to the US Court.

Being Court meant seeing a lot of Jean and Jeremy around, but they weren’t able to make it to Neil and Andrew’s Christmas this year, much to Kevin’s dismay. Something about Jean finally deciding to go to France for his family’s Christmas, and bringing Jeremy along with him. Jeremy had seemed fine with the idea, but Neil knew that Jean had yet to overcome his family’s disapproval with him and the way his life turned out. He hoped they were okay, and sent a care package around a week ago.

With their several sets of tableware, Andrew’s cooking, and Neil on the logistics of the party, everything went smoothly. They all sat to an amazing dinner out on the backyard and sang to songs on Nicky’s procured karaoke set while the kids played on the blankets set out for them just a few feet away. What was notable to Neil was how the group dynamics were completely different from back then. The Foxes were all truly grown up now, far from their wild, carefree selves back in PSU. It’s been almost ten years since they all left the university, and they all led different lives now.

In all honesty, Neil could sit there for hours and think about how much his life has changed.

“Hey.”

Andrew’s voice from behind him made him jump a bit, almost knocking over his mug of tea. The guests had all gone home an hour ago, and Andrew had made him sit down instead of helping with clean-up. Too preoccupied with not wanting to fall asleep just yet, Neil just nodded and yawned in Andrew’s face in reply.

“Done already?”

“It’s a talent.” Andrew went up to one of their cupboards and took out a tin of chocolate biscuits. Neil shook his head after Andrew tilted the tin towards him in a silent offer.

“You really outdid yourself with dinner tonight. The whole five courses and all.”

“Didn’t want Nicky to be a little bitch about me not wanting Erik to help out. Besides, the kids needed options.”

Neil knew he was talking about Kevin’s daughter in particular, a dark-haired girl named Aubrey. He had talked to Kevin beforehand about not letting the girl get everything she wants, but the girl’s attitude that night made it apparent that Kevin was still behind on discipline. At least Aubrey had more than two dishes on her plate.

The clock on their kitchen wall read 12:03 AM. Neil blinked sleepily at Andrew, the edges of fatigue already around his shoulders. This was the latest they’ve been up in a while. Still, Neil knew they’d stayed up later back then, talking up on the roof and smoking. They really were getting old.

“Well,” Neil said, pushing back his chair and standing up. “We should call it a night.”

Before he could turn around, Andrew said, “Wait.”

“What?”

“Let’s go.” Andrew offered a hand, and Neil was honestly too sleepy to contest.

Still, he asked, “What’s this for?” as Andrew maneuvered the both of them out of the kitchen. They kept walking until they reached the living room, and Andrew let go of Neil’s hand and went up to their stereo.

Neil sat on one of their armchairs and yawned, his third one in the last hour. And he might’ve actually fallen asleep for a bit, until a couple nudges to his foot shook him back awake.

He heard the first few notes of a song he wasn’t familiar with, and saw Andrew offering his hand to him yet again.

“Andrew Minyard, what is going on--”

“Do you not know how dances work, Josten?”

Neil stared at Andrew’s hand dumbly for a few more seconds, until Andrew sighed and yanked Neil up.

“This’ll be quick, I promise,” Andrew murmured in Neil’s ear, and Neil nodded, putting both his hands on Andrew’s hips.

“Is this alright?” Neil patted Andrew’s hips, and Andrew nodded. Slowly, they began moving to the song, finding a slow and steady rhythm.

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair And then she asks me, “Do I look all right?” And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight.”

“Huh, this song isn’t bad,” Neil said softly, a little more awake now. He stared into Andrew’s eyes and smiled. “Softie.”

A small frown came across Andrew’s face. “Shut up. You’re ruining the song.”

“Whatever you say.”

Neil had long grown accustomed to Andrew’s off-brand gestures of affection, as rare as they were grand and meaningful. He already knew he was the more expressive of the two of them, and he was perfectly okay with that. Still, each and every gesture tugged at Neil’s heartstrings, even after having been married to the man for four years.

“Mmm. This is nice.” Neil hugged Andrew closer to him. “Did you feed the cats?”

“Yes. The leftover salmon went to King and Sir.”

“Great.”

After a beat, Neil spoke again. “We’re gonna have to sleep soon, Andrew.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “I’ll carry you to the bedroom if I’ll need to.”

“Oooh. Can’t pass that up.”

I feel wonderful because I see The love light in your eyes And the wonder of it all Is that you just don't realize how much I love you

Neil pressed a small kiss to Andrew’s forehead. Just because he can. “I love you too, dummy.”

And Neil was expecting some sort of clever retort, because that was what they did, but instead, Andrew just stared back at him. Like... like he was everything. It was enough to make Neil nervous that he wasn’t good enough.

Maybe that was how Andrew looked at him sometimes, when he didn’t notice.

“Yes or no?” One of Andrew’s hands went to Neil’s jaw, cupping it gently.

“Four years really doesn’t do much, huh? Yes, of course.”

They kissed, and the music in the stereo was not loud enough to drown out Neil’s beating heart. Andrew’s other hand went to the back of Neil’s head, angling the kiss better. Neil was in jogging pants and a hoodie, and he felt so warm and comfy against Andrew’s body. In the soft light of their living room, the last few words of the song made it to Neil’s ears, and he hummed against Andrew’s mouth.

I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight

Andrew broke the kiss, and after smirking at Neil momentarily moving forward for more, he said, “Okay, Sleeping Beauty, off to bed it is.”

“Aww, and I was getting so into it too--”

Neil’s words were interrupted as he was lifted up, bridal style. He laughed, and threw his arms around Andrew’s neck.

“I thought you were tired.” Andrew’s grumpy tone made Neil laugh even more.

“Am not.”

Neil spent the whole way to their bedroom kissing the side of Andrew’s mouth in his own form of protest. As Neil opened their bedroom door for the both of them, one of the last things he heard was Andrew's murmured, "I love you too."

And if Neil fell asleep almost immediately after Andrew set him down under the covers, Andrew didn’t say anything about it the next day.

#andreil #andrew minyard #neil josten #aftg #all for the game #myfic #aftg fic #WOWOWOWOW so look at this crap #happy holidays jerks!!!!!!!

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candace-engl-306-blog · 6 years ago

Text

Pages 1-4 ish

Description of art and panel layout of the first few comic pages:

Page 1-2 ish:

A date at the top of the page indicates that it is December and the drawings and panels of this graphic story are functioning as a diary of sorts. To open the narrative, a series of panels showing a post office box (mail boxes in an apartment building), in progressing levels of morning sunlight. These panels and the ones following will be mostly black and white and drawing with pen, with loose crosshatching to show value and detail. A hand reaches out and opens the box. A hallmark letter sized envelope waits inside. The rand removes it, and there is a pause as the protagonist (Audrey) holds the envelope and examines the return address. It’s from an old coworker of her mother’s and Audrey’s old 2nd grade teacher, which is confusing because Audrey hasn’t really heard from any of her teachers in the past, and although this woman was close with her mom, she hasn’t ever gotten mail from her in the past. This won’t necessarily be obvious on the page just yet. The panel will show Audrey’s face examining the envelope, giving the reader the first real glimpse at the “narrator” so the drawing will be somewhat more precise than the previous panels to make it stand out and indicate her role as the protagonist. This will also be an important portrait of Audrey because it will be the only time the reader views her before she discovers the death of her mother.

A series of panels shows Audrey opening the envelope while still downstairs because of her curiosity. The corner of a card peeking out of the simple drawing of the envelope shows detailed and vibrantly rendered colored flowers on the front of the card. Audrey’s hand pulls it from the envelope. A cliché note about loss and grief is written in three different cursive fonts. By all accounts the design on the card is intricate and ugly. Audrey, confused, her hands shaking a little, (shown by drawing two panels that show the briefest lapse in time of just her hand working up the courage to open the card), opens the card and reads the message from her mother’s coworker. “Very sorry to hear of your loss. Please give a call if you need anything (anything underlines and written in swooping cursive). God bless, Ms. Molly”

A panel shows Audrey looking up. A man sits at the lobby desk but there’s no indication he is meant to work there or is just lounging. His expression is bored, and he stares at Audrey as if she is paint drying and he is trying not to fall asleep. Audrey checks the time on her phone. Every moment is now being rendered in its own panel to slow the pacing of the narrative and distort the flow of time. These eventually grow darker in value and the reader then suddenly see a message typed hastily on a phone cancelling what the reader can assume was a date.

A rather thick black line cuts the above panels off from a panel that is the width of the page. From the reader’s POV, Audrey has transported to the train station. This transitional panel depicts a lowering (or raising, since the panel that would reveal which way it moves is not present) guard rail and commuter legs crossing in front of the “camera.” This is an above ground train, with only two tracks, indicating Audrey’s location somewhat outside of the denser parts of the city. Audrey stands on the platform with her arms crossed and one hand raised to her ear, holding her phone.

Page 3-ish

A detailed drawing of Audrey in profile is lit by the phone screen pressed to her ear, indicating that she just checked the screen to ensure the call was going through before returning the phone to her ear. This light does the work of an onomatopoeia for the reader, the Samsung dialing tone is evident. For a few panels Audrey waits for an answer, the wind blowing her hair to indicate the movement of time. Audrey’s sister answers. Audrey closes her eyes, and the page becomes black and a dialogue in white lettering transcribes the conversation.

Audrey: Hannah? Hello?

Hannah: Audrey? A baby cries in the background. Yeah hi! What do you need, what’s up?

Audrey: I got a weird card. Wait, what do you mean what’s up? You know what’s up.

Hannah: Oh Audrey. Oh…

Audrey: I got a card from one of Mom’s old friends. Hannah, when did she die? What… I?

Hannah: I really did mean to call you. It was only a few days ago. Just hold on. She whispers harshly to a child to drop something. Audrey, you there? Try not to worry, I was going to call once the arrangements had all been made; Dad didn’t want to worry you with all this.

Audrey: You’re talking to Dad? No. Wait. How did she die? Hannah this is a huge shock, I don’t understand what’s going on. A kid shouts on the line. Are you listening to me?

The black background begins to lighten, and a silhouette of Audrey is visible under the still-white and fading words.

Hannah: Oh crap, what, yes, I’m here. Look, I have to go. The baby just threw up and Peggy’s screaming at her sister. I’ll call you later OK?

The black fades completely and the reader sees Audrey in profile again, but from her other side. She hangs up the phone and static starts to overtake the page. She looks down into the train tracks, but the reader doesn’t see what she’s seeing, just her face, blank, which is unsettling or unexpected considering how she’d discovered her mother’s death. The camera pans out and the static surrounds her more. Then Audrey’s figure is replaced by a detailed and colorful drawing of a cup of green tea.

Page 4 ish

The same cup of green tea is held by a familiar hand. It’s the first panel on the new page. The lighting is colorful and golden, and no black values exist in most of this page. The exception is a drawing of Audrey sitting on the floor of her apartment and looking out a window. She holds a mug in her hand, but it isn’t the same mug as the cup in the top of this page. The tea from the cup bubbles up and then spills over the page, swirling into a waterfall, going from warm yellows and greens to cooler but still calm waters.

At the bottom of the page, kid feet dash past. A rope guardrail merges from one panel into the next. Two young girls appear hooking their arms over the rope and swinging on it. Behind them walk the torsos of a young couple, not a new couple, but not yet in their 40s. Their faces are hidden by the panel gutter. Remarks on time and memory can be made here, on how kids don’t remember their parents’ faces and just their smells, voices, and hugs. The woman kneels between the girls. They look out at the small waterfalls, large in a child’s memory, but really just a creek pouring over a small cliff, just barely eight feet high.

And for some context, here is the written scene that became the opening scene of the graphic story (so you can see how this has developed):

I awoke early that morning by some accident, maybe knowing what the day held, if you believe in that sort of thing. I slipped on a sweater and went downstairs to check my mail. The man behind the front desk greeted me with a smile as I unlocked my box.

The pale blue envelope tucked inside was stamped with the army seal, and as I withdrew it, I thought it felt too small and too light in my hands. I knew what it was, and I suddenly realized I needed to choose a place to open it. My apartment? No, I needed to live there. And I couldn’t do it here, in the lobby.

I hid the letter away and took the stairs back up to my place. I sat in front of the window and lifted back the curtain just enough to see outside. Nothing had changed. The city glistened with cold, but the sun warmed me through the glass. I could taste sleep in my mouth.

I knew that breaking the seal wouldn’t be what killed my mother, but I put it off. I sat for a while, maybe an hour. I took note of the room, of the way the sunlight fell behind me onto the floor, of what I was wearing, of the movement of the cars below, the pattern of the trains coming into the station. I counted the seconds between the guardrails dropping and the trains bisecting the road. Trying to commit to memory the last moments I had before my mother was dead.

Finally, I pushed myself up and forced my boots on, grabbed my jacket and keys and went out into the street. The sun’s rays made it feel deceptively warm at first but then I ducked my face into my scarf against the breeze. The guardrail bells began to ring, and I headed for the station. I bought a platform ticket and the gate ate it and spit it out as the limited rushed through the station. As it passed, I reached the edge and could look down into the tracks. The cold had set in permanently over the rails, untouched by the sun. I slipped my hand into my pocket and touched the envelope there. I didn’t know what compelled me to need to open it at the station. The trains had become a vein connecting me to the city, my commute familiar, so that I couldn’t feel like an outsider while I rode to and from the hospital.

But whatever the reason, I figured it was time. I opened the notice, and my mother was dead. As express train after express train shot past, the tracks disappeared and reappeared in a blur. I imagined watching myself getting caught underneath the platform, in the hidey-holes carved into the concrete in case you fell in. Or just lying down and waiting. If I fell in, could I make myself flat enough to avoid having my body smeared away? The letter didn’t say how she died. I didn’t know if it mattered to me; people only want to know how others died so that they can get a hint about their own end. Would my death creep up on me like a dream, allowing me enough time to realize what was happening?

As the bells began to ring again, I stepped closer and peered down into the tracks. I thought maybe I’d start crying.

“Hey you, stand back behind the line!”

I jumped and backed away as the local train slowed into the station, whistling. The conductor in the front car turned his head to look at the weirdo (me) as he passed. I hadn’t been leaning over the edge, so decapitation wouldn’t have been possible, but I stopped zoning at the idea of suddenly becoming just a head. I folded up the letter and tucked it back inside the envelope.

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smellycinnamonthundahfudge · 6 years ago

Text

tumblr fweinds

a year ago, i was tagged by @suplosers on two questionnaires and it is only now, a year later that i was able to answer em. i’m so sorry it took me this long but yah i’m just glad to get thru dis milestone, answering the first tumblr get to know ya post i was @ at... yaayyy ^^

rules: answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I tag: tbd haha i still have to dig thru meh notifs to see which ones apparently took an interest in me so i’d like to take an interest in as well haha but oh @you-guys--are-losers, ur doing this whahaha hope it’s not too much of a bother, no presh watsoever ;3

the last

1. drink: ughh it's dis shitty stuff called hydrite w/c is basically salt water cus im sick rn and it's supposed to rehydrate ur shts or something hahaha

but dat was like a week ago... as of da moment i posted dis, it’s coffee from mini stop dat i drank at like 530 in da morn while i waited until i could enter the school cus i had to commute 3 hours w/ lil to none sleep

2. phone call: my father or one of my best friends

3. text message: the last one i texted was my sister and the last one i got a text from was dis org in school about the location for recruitment/auditions/interview

4. song you listened to: billy jean by michael jackson and i listened to it for meh tomdaya fic hahaha. But i also listened to halo by beyonce, untouchable and dress by taylor swift, and some other songs magmt mentions in her tomdaya fic hehe a week ago

rn, a metal cover of toxic by our last night

5. time you cried: haha i don't actually remember the context of it (i could find out tho haha cus i sent da pic to my best friend) but i took a pic of it while i did it which was on... july 16 hahaha. Oh but w8 oh sht i think i cried after that fudge w8 i don't remember the date (i think i can find this out too hahaha) but i wrote a sortof goodbye confessions letter to one of my dear friends and i wrote there that i externally cried (b4 i just said internally haha) so i'm not entirely sure i cried but i think im pretty sure i teared up hehe

6. dated someone twice: hahaha i haven't even had a legit love interest yet 😆😂 buuutt my best friend and i have "dated" as in spent entire days together w/ just the two of us, we even went to mcdonalds for valentine's day and got each other gifts hihihi aahhh gosh i miss her :'(

7. kissed someone and regretted it: haha im not even sure if dis happened and i have no plans on asking her about it but i remember when i was a kiddo, when my sis came home for some reason i kissed her on the lips hahaha dont remember if accidental or i just brain farted heck i aint even sure if it happened but das all i can answer cus well like i said, see #6 😆😂😆😂

8. been cheated on: hhmmm probs not, i have no idea if ive been cheated on in an unromantic way hahaha but in da romantic way, like i said, no love interest hahaha

Oh w8 does being someone's crush (i aint sure but it seemed like it) and crushing on dat dude but dat dude crushing on someone else too count as cheating? 😆😂😆😂

9. lost someone special: yes, all of my grandparents are dead. I've also lost pets, and i fear i may lose some of my friends due to the distance among us in this time of our lives

10. been depressed: i always wanna be careful over how to define depression. Like wat constitutes it... but yes, i think i have. Not sure, mind you, but yes, at the beginning of gr 7 i was really alone, i think i was bullied and i think i was depressed and going thru a really dark phase of my life back then. But then again, i have to say, i'm not sure.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: hahaha nope. I'm looking forward to getting drunk tho. Im currently underage so im not allowed to drink dat much yet but yeah i wanna know my limits hehehe i hope im da kinda gurl who can handle her liquor but i have drank and i have to say it made me all loopy and weird and just like woke or high or something hahaha so yeah man im excited to get trashed on my 18th bday hahaha (hopefully i get to do this tho huhuhu)

3 favourite colours

12. Pink

13. Blue

14. Gray

in the last year have you

15. made new friends: yyeeesssss and i'm so glad i have hihi. I have made friends w/ a select group of my blockmates and they're awesome and weird, i hope to strengthen our bond in da future hehe. Ooohhh and i sure hope that you guys are losers is my friend cus she's been rlly great :')

16. fallen out of love: i guess the closest i've come to falling out of love in a romantic way is moving on from da heavy crushin on meh crush. But i dunno, i still think he's a unicorn n pretty special to me so i dunno hahaha.

But bro, i do think i have fallen out of love. With tv shows, with characters. Like i used to be so passionate about a few shows and characters but now all i have towards them is regret heck i cant even remember wat dey are but i know dat der was love lost. I know it.

17. laughed until you cried: hahaha yaasss i think so. It's either when i was with my best dearest friends or during the class of dis really cool and funny as heck joker teacher who makes us laugh in EVERY SINGLE CLASS hahaha ahhh das guy's so cool

18. found out someone was talking about you: oohh yah yah i think so. Either from my best friends or from a few of my old classmates i care about and had gotten close with. Da best friend ones was about something in my past/history (g7) and the classmates one i think was just dem talking about me and they told me about it ooohhh i think it was my crush hahahaha. They told me dat my crush actually admired me a lot hehe. There was one time my friend (the one who told me about dis) was putting make up on me for a school film, and my crush was da cam guy and he told my friend i looked pretty. Sooo im pretty lucky dat- oh sht w8 i dunno if it's dis year but oh w8 no, it was on my bday last year (dec 20) and da same friend said she was sorry cus apparently da bois make fun of me or something and she was sorry cus she laughed along too hahaha but i didnt mind cus i know im weird and i dont even know what dey say about me in da first place hahahaha. Ok das it im done, i think ive overshared now hahaha 😆😂😆😂

19. met someone who changed you: my best friends. Ive thought about it based on wat sup losers said about change for da better and i dont rlly think of change as something dat happens quick, i think it happens over time and u dont even notice it. So ok oh sht i think im wrong cus i met my best friends 4/6 years ago hahaha but for reals tho, i was in a dark place and if it werent for dem i think id still be lost lonely and sad. Uuhhmmm in regards to answering the question correctly, i guess my blockmates count since they inspire/challenge me to be better. OH SHT W8 i def think you guys are losers and dead end street and tomdaya receipts and tout de suite have changed me hehehe. Da first 2 in dat dey inspired me to write more hehe. Da 1st one inspired me to do this so i think this counts as change hehe. And da last 2 changed me in dat bcus i met dem, i became OBSESSED w/ tomdaya hahaha.

20. found out who your friends are: yes, i have actually. And it's all because i am now currently a college freshman as well as my friends.

21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: hahaha my fam i guess hahaha. But no one in a romantic context.

general

22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: hhmmm i guess id say about 200 since i know 4 sections of around 40 ppl and da rest is like fam and ppl ive met once/twice or have passed by haha

23. do you have any pets: yaaaassss 3 doggos: albie, juju, and biggie girl. Juju has a pupper named tchalla called dat cus he black hehehe and biggie has 2 biglets named mermer (meredith) and crissy (cristina) cus they're sisters 😍😊😊

My fam have also had a buncha dogs n puppers before but they were either given away or passed away. My bro also has dis cat named bob and i think he counts as a semi pet since my bro's home is a fam home.

24. do you want to change your name: uuhhh i wish i had an alliterative name like superheroes. Buutt im pretty happy w/ my name :')

25. what did you do for your last birthday: oohhhh i think i was at my section's christmas party it was pretty nice n emotional and i spent da rest of da day w/ 2 of meh best friends who bought me cake n food when my own fam didn't 😆😂😆😂

26. what time did you wake up: 4 am to shit cus im sick, but fell asleep again and officially got up around 730 or 8ish

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: haha tryna stay awake cus i had to drink meh meds and failed oh so much and i think i was asleep by midnight hahaha

28. name something you can’t wait for: tomdaya content, chatting/being w/ my best friends, watching da stuff i wanna watch, tumblring, reading sht i wanna read, vacation, writing fanfics, learning how to do a buncha stuff (write screenplays, make films n gifs, draw better), my bday when i hopefully get to do wat i want haha, avengers 4 and smffh, and captain marvel and antman and the wasp too i guess haha oh and the incredibles 2 and httyd 3 😍��😍 oohhh and crazy rich asians

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: on monday which was when i was at home and not at my dad's n sis' n i's apartment in manila for school/work

31. what are you listening to right now: commercials on da tv as i answer this long ass questionnaire hahaha

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: hahaha i had to think about dis one but yah i have actually haha he was my gr 8 class mate n i like to think semi friend back den at least haha. Oh w8 but he doesn't go by tom tho, it's just thomas haha

33. something that is getting on your nerves: myself hahaha my shitty lazy ass procrastinating self hahaha 😅🙍

34. most visited website: fb specifically messenger, youtube, and tumblr

35. hair colour: hmmm black w/ a bit of brown i guess (ASIAN, YO! 😆😂😆😂)

36. long or short hair: neither, medium i guess haha. I like how long hair looks but it's such a bother n hassle haha. So i def would prefer short hair on a practical standpoint hahaha (im actually thinking of shaving the hair above my nape, yknow on da back of my head hehe)

37. do you have a crush on someone: well i dont have dat much of a crush on da crush i mentioned before, like i said haha. I have a crush on tomdaya, does dat count? 😆😂

38. what do you like about yourself: hahahaha nothing 😆😂😆😂🙍

Naahh uhhh i guess i like how much i love tv shows, i love meh fangirl self, and i like how diff n unique n weird i am, how i stand out, n dat i think my dreams are noble n worth tryin out. N i like how supportive n nice i am n im just chill on da outside haha. N sometimes i like meh face hehe. And i think dat im hilarious n weird n ppl should appreciate me more hahaha das y i crave for more validation dan consulting researchers hahaha (no one laughs at dat jokes and it's like im da only one who finds it funny and come on, man, i managed to make a research joke. Cant ya give a girl a break?)

n i guess sometimes it's good how much i care but sometimes i wish my feels could just chill for just like a minute pls

Thanks, man. I usually just focus on meh bad qualities so thanks for dis question, man :')

oh and i like dat i can swim hehe

39. piercings: i have holes on my ears for earrings but i don't really wear dem

40. blood type: a, i think?

41. nickname: sam, sab, and i rlly want to be called smells cus it's like a more me version of mels from melody hahaha

42. relationship status: single, yo. Oh w8 but i am married to my bed and fandoms so dey always come first. Plus i love my friends 😍😊

43. zodiac: sagittarius i think but i dont rlly know/care about zodiac sht. Tho it's nice if it does match up hehe

44. pronouns: uhhh i dont know wat to put here but i assume dis refers to wat i wish to be referred by ssoooo she, her, and a genderless pronoun in my language siya

45. favourite tv show: ughh i cant choose. Friends, grey's anatomy, phineas and ferb, avatar: the last airbender, black mirror, doctor who, and all of michael schur's stuff, and modern family, grimm, person of interest, pushing daisies, scrubs, happy endings, forever, how i met your mother, gravity falls, sherlock, and yknow wat? Yah, supernatural too and the httyd shows and suits :') oooohhh w8 and how to get away w/ murder and i guess big bang theory as well 😃 the end of the fucking world, legends of tomorrow, crazy ex-girlfriend, the good place, timeless but it’s kinda depressing so speaking of w/c game of thrones and west world and a series of unfortunate events and stranger things and scorpion and lost in space and for anime, let’s go with yakitate japan and boku no hero academia

46. tattoos: none, but i rlly want one and even have a list of tattoos i want (pretty minimalist), i just have to think of da perf place tho (both where to put it and where to get it) and find out if i can still donate meh bod if i have tattoos, but one of da ones i rlly want is smileys on meh fingers hehe

47. right or left handed: right, but my ma says im kinda ambidextrous n i kinda wish i could develop it hehe

48. surgery: haha nope, never. But in terms of an interest, i love grey's anatomy 😆😂

50. sport: ooohh my main sport is swimming cus my siblings are all swimmers so i am too. But i have played other sports for school like badminton, table tennis, volleyball, some water game i dont remember haha, and a combat sport in my country called arnis

51. vacation: christmas vacay and i cant wait huhu

52. pair of trainers: uhhh are trainers rubber shoes? I have a couple, i guess.

GENERAL

53. eating: my dad (who cooked our meal), sis, and i ate afritada (chicken dat's tomatoey basically) for dinner

54. drinking: just water, but ugh i have to drink da hydrite sht again 😑😒

55. I’m about to: finish dis questionnaire n fall asleep haha

56. waiting for: sleep n happiness

57. want: to sleep n write n tumblr n watch n read n for all my problems to disappear

58. get married: yeahhh... but i think it's highly unlikely, man. So i aint counting on it but i do want it to happen, it seems nice having someone to spend da rest of your life with :')

59. career: hahaha i'm still just a college student, just a newly minted freshman actually. But i like to consider myself a fulltime fangirl hahaha

WHICH IS BETTER

60. hugs or kisses: well, i havent rlly made out with anyone yet so im gonna have to say hugs i guess w/c ofc i love haha but i wish someone bigger than me could cuddle me for once in my life 😢

61. lips or eyes: lips cus they just seem so soft and sensual hehe. Plus i dunno man, eyes are kinda gross with muta (da sht in da corner of ur eyes when you wake up, it's a filipino word) and sht. And ya have to wear glasses/contacts if dey weak so it's just such a hassle. Tho i do recognize their importance n stuff 😊

62. shorter or taller: ugh TALLER. im a pretty tall gal so for once id like to be da lil spoon for once, for someone to be able to carry me and ya know all dat jazz. But i wouldnt give up my height for anything, makes me feel confident and better than everyone else mwuehehehehehehe

63. older or younger: uuuhhh for now i think it's a bit weird to date someone younger dan me, but for me personally, wat age i'd like to be, YOUNGER ALL DA WAY. it was just way less stressful and innocent back den, id give anything to go back 🙍

64. nice arms or nice stomach: haha nice arms if it means i can swing around them and they can carry me whahaha. But i do like em abs, i wanna feel wat abs feel like just once in my life hahaha

65. hookup or relationship: ooohhh i guess i fancy myself having a relationship for now hehe. Havent even had one yet haha.

66. troublemaker or hesitant: i am a hesitant troublemaker whahahahaha. Like i have all these ideas of thangs to do n sometimes i do dem but sometimes da situation n context scares me into not doing it like a wuss hahaha

HAVE YOU EVER:

67. kissed a stranger: haha nope.

68. drank hard liquor: haha nope but am looking forward to it hehe

69. lost glasses/contact lenses: thankfully i havent needed any yet whew

70. turned someone down: uhhh i guess the closest i came to "turning someone down" was being awkward around my crush haha but to be fair i think he was awkward too hahaha. And in an unromantic sense, i turned down a blockmate who offered to be my partner in an assignment becus i already had a partner hahahaha 😅

71. sex on the first date: haha havent experienced it if das wat ur askin. Maybe imma be dat kinda person after ive had a couple of relationships but for now i'll settle for someone actually being interested in me hahaha

73. had your heart broken: yes, by tv shows, and by da crappiness of life in general 🙇

74. been arrested: hahahaha nope but dat would be CRAZY hahaha

75. cried when someone died: yes, whether in real life or in tv shows, i have cried bcus of death 😢

76. fallen for a friend: look, man, my best friend's probably the most important person in my life who i couldnt bear to lose. I love her more dan anything in da world so i dunno if our friendship is something more dan da "typical" best friends i just know dat i love her n dat i dont wanna lose her n dat our bond's nothing like any other relationship ive ever had

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

77. yourself: hahahaha not rlly 😅 im pretty unreliable tbh and i make tons of mistakes and ill never be enough ever and just in general hate myself and have 0 self esteem hahaha 😅😅😅😓

But there's a chance i could improve tho, a very very VERY small tiny chance... but i guess i'll take wat i can get :/

78. miracles: hhmmm not in da way most ppl think about miracles in dat, it's da impossible event. I like to think it's a miracle that i have the family dat i have, da friends dat i have, and da life dat i have cus honestly i think i'd be dead w/o em. It's a fucking miracle i have things im passionate about and things that i love and im surrounded by ppl who i love and who love me as well. So yeah, i guess i believe in those kinds of miracles :')

79. love at first sight: hahaha not rlly. Look, man, im a fat girl who doesnt rlly care dat much about looks so unless a person manages to fall for someone while dat someone was doing something dat was a huge indicator of their personality and thus it's not only da appearance dat da person "fell in love w/", den i rlly dont believe in love at first sight. It's just infatuation, bruh. Love at first sight is cheap and u dont rlly know any thing about dat person other than the fact that they're pretty (why they caught ur eye in da 1st place imo) and nothin, zilch. Unless, like i said, they were doing something important to dem n indicative of deir personality. But even then, it wouldnt be love. Like i said, it'd be infatuation cus imo love is deep and takes time and cant just HAPPEN just cus u looked at someone and thought he/she was pretty 😒. True love would mean knowing dat person to deir bone but wanting to know more about dem. So to conclude a ted talk from a bitter person w/ a non existent love life 😆😂😂😂, love at first sight doesnt exist, is cheap, and is discriminatory to "ugly" ppl.

80. santa claus: hahaha i know he probs doesnt exist and is u know basically just capitalism n marketing hahaha. But i dunno, man, i kinda wanna believe he exists just cus it's more fun n childlike n innocent 😍

81. kiss on the first date: hahaha yeah i guess so but i think i probs would have had to known dat person for a while before we decided to date. I havent had a first kiss yet sooo i aint just willin to give dat out to someone i just met/knew for like a day or something hahaha (i have no idea how dating works) 😆😂😆😂😆😂

82. angels: huh... i like to think guardian angels exist cus dat means there are like angels of pure light sent down from heaven to protect us from any harm w/c is just nice to think about, yknow? Hehe. But angels in da catholic sense... i dont think i do, bruh. Sorry :/ *shrugs*

OTHER:

84. eye colour: uuhhhh brown, i guess? Like i said, i dont rlly care much for eyes hahaha 😅 ooohh but da purple eyes thang ive seen on da internet sounds cool hahaha

85. favourite movie: aaaahhhhh there's just so many good movies thoo

But agghh fine. Ive come to notice dat my genre's pretty lighthearted w/c is nice actually hehe

Spider-Man: Homecoming, Rogue One, 10 Things I Hate About You, Moana, Coco, Mulan, Avengers: Infinity War, White Chicks cus it's just so goddamn funny and iconic 😆😂😆😂😍, i'm not- ok you know wat, da Pixar movies in general ok? I mean, how can ya not? Oh which reminds me, Tangled, and The Princess and The Frog, oohh The Avengers is also a pretty solid movie, ooohhh Love, Simon, godhs dat was just such a wholesome sweet n nice movie :'), oh and den i freaking love the Scream franchise, man. It's so good :'), oooohhh w8 maybe The Dark Knight cus heath ledger was just da fuking bomb in dat movie, oohh and About Time's da sweetest time travel movie :') w/c reminds me dat the Back to the Future franchise was just such a classic, man :') oh and yknow wat? Unbreakable's actually pretty fucking cool, man. I get shyamalan know haha. Oh and yknow wat? 100 Tula Para Kay Stella is da 1st filipino film i actually liked so it has a special place in meh heart :')

ooohhh and Black Panther, man, gods how can one not bring up Da King™? WAKANDA FOREVER :') 😄

Oh and hey yknow wat? I have a sweet spot for the Sorcerer's Apprentice. It's kinda a guilty pleasure of mine hehe 😅

Whiicchh reminds me... the HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON FRANCHISE HAS GOT MY HART WHIPPED 😭😭😭

Oh and i also rlly like when harry met sally hihi :') and i guess the OG Star Wars trilogy's got a special place in my heart even if it is da way dat it is now 😢 :')

oh and i can't forget meh guardians :') Guardians of The Galaxy is such a solid film, bro. I loved it :') ooohhh and yknow wat? I actually rlly like Ready Player One, Baby Driver, and The Mummy (the brendan frasier one, who ya kiddin 😑)

oh and yknow wat? The Wedding Singer, 50 First Dates, and Music & Lyrics has got a special place in my heart, man. Gotta admit it :')

aawww and amelie, and begin again, and flipped and hercules, and room, and spotlight, and shape of water, and ladybird, and the princess bride, and the iron giant, and the lobster, and we're the millers, and what if and man up and shrek and kimi no na wa and a quiet place and inception and the lion king and to all the boys I’ve loved before and oooh tim burton movies are pretty cool, the animated ones, and I did spend a good amount of time obsessed w/ dis one so I guess cap civil war, and then big hero 6 and wreck it ralph, and the martian and inside out, and gone girl, and the lion king and forrest gump and spider-man 1 and 2, and les miserables and the devil wears prada and the book of life and the intern and the princess diaries and miss congeniality and aladdin and confessions of a shopaholic

And ok, ok, i think im done. Hahaha das it das my list of meh all time fav movies and i feel like rewatching all of em now hahaha 😍

#jazzessments

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joonbird · 7 years ago

Text

Passionfruit | 3

➭ “To you, matters of the heart have always been simple. You’ve always lived by three rules: you don’t do emotions, you don’t do attachment, and you don’t do love. That is, until you meet the enigma that is Kim Namjoon- a man who shakes your entire world upside down.”

pairing: namjoon x reader

genre: smut, angst

wordcount: 8.4k

part one | two | three | four

Your entire life, you had always been comfortable living according to your own set of rules. The predominate rule you lived by: no intimacy.

Intimacy was a language that you didn’t understand. You had always been content in understanding that you had you own way of doing things. You had a neat system of sorts- mutually beneficial sexual transactions. You had never wanted anything more, and no one had ever wanted anything more from you.

That was until you met Kim Namjoon.

Since that fateful night two weeks ago when you had fallen asleep at his place, you hadn’t seen him much. On one hand, it was poor timing- your entire university was in the midst of mid semester exam frenzy. On the other hand- Namjoon, you had quickly learned, was particularly erratic when it came to communication. He didn’t use social media and he was the kind of person who didn’t like to text.

So instead of exchanging confusing text banter, (the kind of banter where a mere “haha” could mean a thousand different things), Namjoon took to simply calling you.

“Why don’t you just text me?” You had asked during the first phone call, confusion colouring your tone.

“I like phone calls,” Namjoon had replied in his usual, simple manner. “And I like hearing your voice.”

Thus had started an unfamiliar pattern with Namjoon and his phone calls.

Every few nights, you would talk on the phone. Your phone conversations stretched for hours at a time, and you could tell Namjoon was pacing as he talked- walking back and forth as he chatted to you. Your phone was always pressed against your ear as you lay on the floor in front of your bedroom window, stretched out like a cat basking in the last rays of autumnal sunshine.

You outwardly scoffed at half of what he said. Your conversations were always so directionless- yet enthusiasm always dripped from his words.

You had long conversations, sometimes about pointless topics, like the mean older lady who worked in the campus cafeteria. Sometimes your conversations were nostalgic- Namjoon talking about the places he wanted to travel to, the things he wanted to accomplish.

Other times, Namjoon peppered you with questions, sounding so genuinely interested that at first you prickled. Initially, you tested him- only to find that whatever blunt, mundane answers you gave, Namjoon only delved deeper. When he asked you what your favourite film was and you said in a short, clipped tone ‘Harry Potter’- he had immediately asked why, and then engaged with you in a thorough debate about how he thought Lord of the Rings was infinitely better than Harry Potter.

When Namjoon asked what your favourite colour was, and you had snapped back, “What the hell does it matter?” Namjoon had simply slipped into an oddly deep and philosophical frame of mind, and started talking about the origins of colour personality theory.

You didn’t know what was worse- that a guy was sitting there having a two hour phone conversation with you about fucking colour theory, or the fact that you cared about every word that came out of his mouth.

You didn’t know what to make of the phone calls. You definitely didn’t know what to make of the fact that staring up at the sky from the floor of your bedroom with Namjoon chuckling in your ear, made you feel a buttery glow like nothing else you had felt before.

The train doors slid open and you stood up, moving forward with the crush of the afternoon commuters. It was Friday, the end of the week, and you were on your way to see Namjoon.

This wasn’t the first time you had taken the train to his house, last weekend, Namjoon had asked you to come over to his place to study, and you had jumped at the opportunity. You had deduced that the reason for feeling this way about him was purely unresolved sexual tension.

“A study session?” You had asked, your voice lowering into what you had hoped was a brisk, seductive tone. “In what subject?”

Namjoon had merely hummed thoughtfully over the phone. “I need to catch up on my sexual politics readings, so probably that.”

You had smirked to yourself.

“Sexual politics huh?” You practically purred.

“Yeah, I have to write an essay on it and I really want to do well.”

“I’ll bet you do. In fact, it sounds like you need to do a lot of research.”

Namjoon sighed. “You have no idea.”

You hadn’t even bothered bringing any studying materials to his place, confident in your assumption that Namjoon had invited you around purely for the purpose of getting laid. Your confidence had immediately dwindled when he opened his front door and you saw that his living room in a haphazard array of books and papers.

You had very rapidly realized that yes, Namjoon had meant a study session as in a genuine study session, and that Namjoon was genuinely working hard on a sexual politics essay, no double entendres in the slightest.

Once that realization had sunk in, you had quickly fumbled in your handbag, looking for something, anything that you could use to pretend you had known this entire time that you were going to be studying with him. You pulled out the book you had been reading on the train- The Hunger Games.

“What’s that for?” Namjoon had asked.

“Um… my literature subject.”

“The Hunger Games?” Namjoon furrowed his brow slightly. “For literature? What subject?”

“Er…” You stammered. “Modern… Dystopian… Literature. 101.”

Namjoon stared at you intently for a moment, nodding his head slowly. “Modern Dystopian Literature 101. Sounds interesting. Maybe I should do it as an elective next semester.” He said innocently, before returning his attention back to his laptop.

“Yeah,” You muttered through gritted teeth. “You should.”

Namjoon had walked you back to the station as the sun began to set, pulling you in by the waist and turning you with a strength that illicited a gasp from your lips, before he kissed you. It was a kiss that you had swooned into, a kiss that lasted only seconds despite likely being longer. It was a kiss that was infused with something, you weren’t entirely sure what, but whatever it was- it hummed through your veins for the rest of the day.

“Thanks for studying with me, get home safely.” He had said simply, all you had uttered back was a shocked, “You too.”

That had been last weekend and after a gruelling week of mid semester exams, you were headed to his place to, in Namjoon’s words, “hang out”.

In the past, hanging out meant a night of sex, rushed hot breaths, of convenience. But as you had learned, when it came to Namjoon, you had no idea what to expect.

You left the station and walked down Namjoon’s street, stopping before his front door and hesitating.

Nerves were flickering in your belly like fireflies, as you knocked on the door, once firmly, the second knock like a question mark.

He opened the door, an easygoing smile on his face. He had just taken a shower- his hair was slightly damp, his skin a little flushed. He was dressed in jeans and a plain black tee, your eyes fell on his long fingers as they adjusted the neck of his tee.

“Hey Y/N,” his voice rang out like a bell, clear and deep, and he opened the door wider.

You shot him a tight smile and strolled in, not responding.

“So, how was your day?” He asked conversationally, following you as you walked into the kitchen.

You spun around, facing him. “Fine. Yours?”

“Good, ah, I seriously just slept all day. I’m so glad exams are over.”

You rolled your eyes at him. “Trust you to say that. They’re just exams, God, chill.” You sniffed, knowing you were being bitchy, but you couldn’t help it, too overruled by the nerves racing through your body.

“What,” Namjoon shot you a challenging smirk. “Is it not cool to care about my future?”

You were momentarily taken aback. He locked eyes with you, seeing the cocky expression on your face falter, and his smile softened a little.

“Did you get good feedback on your dystopian lit essay?” He asked kindly, changing the topic. You froze.

“Um,” You stammered. “Yeah, my professor… loved it.”

“Ah,” He said slowly. “I’m glad. Who’s the professor for the subject again?”

You froze, coughing a little. You glanced around his kitchen furtively, spotting a jar of Jif peanut butter. Before you could stop and think about your words carefully, you spoke.

“Professor… Jif.”

Oh God. The moment the words came out of your mouth, you cringed.

“Professor Jif?” Namjoon repeated dubiously. “I haven’t heard of Professor Jif.”

You nodded feeling your cheeks burn scarlet with embarrassment.

“She’s um… she’s new.”

“I see. Professor Jif, teaching Modern Dystopian Literature 101.” Namjoon repeated slowly, gazing over at you.

You lifted your chin stubbornly. “Yep.”

Namjoon had faint amusement in his eyes but he just nodded, turning around to pour you a glass of water.

The moment his back was turned you scrunched your face in an agonized, silent groan. Professor fucking Jif? What was it about Kim Namjoon that turned you into a complete incoherent mess?

He turned around and you pulled your face back into one of composure, sipping at the water.

“So,” You began, wanting to change the topic to anything else. “Why did you invite me over anyway?”

Namjoon raised an eyebrow at you, leaning his back on the sink.

“To hang out. I wanted to spend time with you properly.”

You let out a sceptical noise. “Seriously, why did you invite me?”

He raised an eyebrow at you. “That is the reason. Why, is that so hard to believe?”

He had his dark eyes trained on yours and you gulped, putting the glass of water down on the counter.

“I dunno,” You mumbled, once again proving that Namjoon had the innate ability to turn you into an incoherent mess. Namjoon’s eyes roamed over your face, before he stepped towards you.

“Well, it’s true. You’re fun to hang out with,” Namjoon responded simply. “I really like talking to you. It’s been the highlight of my week.”

You swallowed at his words, feeling your heart began to beat harder in your chest.

“What, discussing the history of the colour red was the highlight of your week?” You stammered. Namjoon just smiled.

“Well yeah,” He said sheepishly.

You opened your mouth to retort, something to cut through whatever emotion it was that you were feeling so intensely. But instead of getting the words out, you fell silent, momentarily wrapped up in him. The way his eyes danced as they caught yours, his full lips, the bridge of his nose. It wasn’t like you to notice details like this, you preferred the broader perspective in all arenas of your life, but when it came to his man… you noticed everything.

He leaned in closer to you, his head dipping in closer. You were aware that you hadn’t taken a breath in what felt like forever, too focused on him standing in front of you, one palm resting on the wall behind you, his neck crooked so he could stare into your eyes.

His long, lean body curved into yours, the heat from his body caused a light shiver to wrap around you like a second skin- and he wasn’t even touching you yet.

His lips brushed against yours, your eyes fluttered shut as he deepened the kiss. He kissed you slowly, his lips were soft but they pressed against yours with a growing immediacy. You let out a choked murmur at feeling his body against you, your head was tipped back against the wall as he continued to kiss you slowly, savouring you.

His palm, outstretched on the wall, trailed down to your waist, hooking firmly around the small of your waist and pulling you against him.

This drove you crazy about Namjoon, how his kisses went from long and slow to the point of you reaching an almost fervent desperation, to this- suddenly hard, dominating. You loved the way he took over, feeling his composure slowly melting away as each kiss grew more and more urgent, knowing that you were the one causing him to crumble.

All of this, all of him- his tongue dancing against yours, him pushing you against the wall harder, his hips beginning to rock his semi hard cock between your legs. It was a delicious kind of ecstasy and you felt your sensitive core begin to pulse in lust.

Namjoon groaned softly, and you took the opportunity to run your hands down his back, along the canvas of his shoulder-blades, before you slotted your hands into the back pockets of his jeans. His kisses grew more intense, laced with a hot desperation as he keened into you, his hand fluttering up to grip your jaw.

“God, Y/N,” He moaned into your mouth, before his fingers combed through your hair, settling at the back of your head so he could control the pace of his mouth, hot and fevered, on yours.

Your entire body curled around his kisses, you were overwhelmed by how badly you wanted him. Every touch felt magnified in its intensity- his fingertips brushing at waist of your jeans and hooking into the hem of your underwear.

You let out a moan into his mouth, aware of him pushing his hard length between your legs, the urgent wetness that he was agonizingly grinding his cock against.

Namjoon broke away from the kiss, his jaw clenched.

“Namjoon,” You breathed, but before you could ask what he was doing, he bent and scooped you up. Your body seemed to react before your mind did, your legs wrapping around his waist in one languid movement as his hands cupped your ass, your lips crashing onto his.

He was walking, with a bit of awkwardness but with direction, towards his bedroom. He lowered you onto the bed, your hair fanned out around you as Namjoon kicked the door closed.

He was on top of the bed and on top of you within moments, his lips were back on yours, filling you with a piercing want.

A moan shuddered through your body as his fingers skimmed over the lowest part of your belly, tracing patterns into your skin as he continued to kiss you. He paused, planting a trail of kisses down your jaw and your neck. With his lips pressed against your pulse point, your collarbones, the base of your ear, you were practically mewling out his name.

The desire in your body was causing your toes to curl, your thighs to tremble. His fingers were still interlaced in your hair, as he kissed his way back up your neck, murmuring out your name with each nibble against your skin.

Your breathing was rapid, each breath laboured with your desire as he took a moment to gaze at you, his eyes flickering over your face with satisfaction. His fingers were working a pattern that eased up your stomach and closer to your breasts, centimetre by centimetre, each fraction of skin that he discovered caused a deep and visceral ache in your core.

“God Namjoon,” You breathed out, as his fingers finally flitted between your breasts and then over the curve of your breasts.

“Fuck,” You stammered out, you were worked up, completely overwhelmed by how badly you wanted him. It felt like your entire body was in flames just from his light touch on your body, his fingers carefully running laps around your nipples, teasing you.

“Please,” You pleaded out, biting your bottom lip, your eyes rolling back into your head. Namjoon responded simply by kissing your jaw again and resting his lips at your ear.

“Describe how it feels to me…” His deep voice was husky and throaty, and it only made the throbbing ache between your legs increase in intensity.

“I want you so badly,” You panted out. “I feel like I’m going to explode, God, I’m so wet… I’m going crazy,” You hips pushed up into his involuntarily and you heard him let out a soft groan.

His fingers finally brushed over your hard nipples, a ghost of a touch, enough to make you let out a cry in pleasure.

“God Y/N,” Namjoon whispered in your ear, he almost growled out the words, his fingers skimming back down your stomach and playing with the waistband of your jeans. “I want you so god damn badly.”

He unzipped your jeans and pulled away from you to tug them down your legs, you swallowed your eyes dilated in lust, each breath shallow. His hair was in his face and he brushed it away from his forehead, his eyes intent on you.

“Your face, when you feel good…” Namjoon continued, his voice lowering as he ran his palm over the top of your underwear, you let out a sigh of pleasure at the feeling of it, the barest relief, before his hands were up at your breasts again. He squeezed your breast, his fingers finding your nipple and finally, finally he ran his fingertips over it in circular motions.

“It’s the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen,” Namjoon confessed. “Your lips…” He continued, his eyes focusing on your lips, which were parted, “Your eyes…” He pinched your nipple with his words, hard, and ran his hand over to the other breast.

“Namjoon,” You whimpered out, feeling a damp, heavy ache between your legs from his words, from his touches. You were shaking.

“And your voice… the way you moan... God, Y/N."

His words were fast and low, and his hand snaked back down between your legs, he pressed two fingers firmly along your slit. Your underwear were soaked with your want for him and you heard him hiss in.

"That feels so good, please don’t stop,” You panted out, and Namjoon responded by tugging the hem of your shirt off over your heard before tossing it to the floor. He kept his fingers on your pussy, working careful, deliberate circles on top of the fabric.

You were certain he could feel how wet you were, your eyelids fluttered closed as you let out a long moan, enjoying the feeling of his fingertips on you. He went from the top of your sensitive clit down to your pussy and sliding his long fingers in slowly, teasing every last shred of lust from you.

He kept his eyes on you as he played with your pussy, you could see it- him swallowing, the bob of his Adams apple in his throat. He gazed at your body and into your eyes and you could see it written all over his face, in his eyes- lust, desire, appreciation. It made it feel like there were flames flickering throughout your entire body, heating up your cheeks, all the way to your core.

You curled your hands around his neck and pulled him in forcefully, his lips slamming against yours. He kissed you hungrily, and you could almost taste his desire in his mouth, he kissed you with no reservations, growling into the kiss.

You responded instantly, you had been pushed to the edge and it felt like your skin was crackling with your desire for him, you hurriedly grabbed at the hem of his shirt and clumsily pulled it off his head.

You paused momentarily, taking him in- his ruffled hair, the light sweat on his face, his broad shoulders. His tensed shoulders, heaving slightly with each breath, smooth tanned skin, and his taut abdomen, hovering above you.

Your face was lacquered with sweat, his body gliding effortlessly over yours as he captured your lips in another kiss. You tipped your head back, his name was thudding through your body like a pulse.

He kissed desperately down the side of your face, his thumb pulled at your bottom lip and you whimpered out his name.

“God,” You moaned, your hips bucking into his. “Namjoon, this feels so fucking good…” He responded by grabbing your hand, interlacing his fingers into yours and then pushing your hand up beside your head. His hand pressed yours into the mattress and the weight of his body was completely on top of yours as he worked his hips against yours.

You could feel it- his hard cock straining against his pants. He rocked his cock slowly, achingly, against your pussy. He was grinding against you so hard that it felt like it was almost a relief, and you welcomed it.

You unzipped his jeans, yanking down the zipper, and you worked your hand into his pants. Your hand found his cock, and you took pleasure from the way Namjoon scrunched his eyes shut and bit his lip, the strangled moan that escaped his lips.

Your fingers wrapped around his cock, it occurred to you in your dizzy, lust-filled state that he had an exceptional cock and you hadn’t even seen it yet. It was long, thick, warm in your hand and you swallowed thickly.

“Namjoon,” You breathed out the words. “I want you inside of me so badly,”

Namjoon’s eyes flickered at your words and he let out a soft growl, as your hand began to work up and down his shaft.

“I want you too. Y/N, you feel-”

His husky voice was interrupted by his bedroom door slamming open.

“Namjoon, I- Oh my God!"

You barely had time to register who was shouting, Namjoon yelled out instinctively, blocking your body with his and whipping his head around.

"What the fuck Jin!”

“My eyes! Jesus Christ!�� You heard the door close.

“I think my eyes are burning… Dude, put a sock on the doorknob or something next time,” You heard Namjoon’s roommate call out, his voice twisted in anguish. "Sorry for interrupting. I just thought we were going to that party tonight? No? It’s life or death man, I’m pretty sure Sunmi hates me, and she’s definitely going to be there, I need your moral support…“

Namjoon groaned, clenching his jaw, closing his eyes in frustration before opening his eyes again, searching your face.

"You okay?” He murmured and you just nodded, sexual frustration ebbing throughout your body.

“Earth to Namjoon!” Jin yelled, and Namjoon let out a frustrated sigh.

“I have plans with Y/N tonight.” He called out in a clipped voice.

“I need moral support, I’m not kidding. She’s pissed about that thing that I said, you know, that thing, and she told me she wants to chop my toes off and force feed them to me.” Jin complained.

“Dude…” Namjoon groaned, his eyes flickering to you.

“Okay, okay… hey Y/N!“ Jin called out. "Do you want to come to the party with us?”

“Jin!” Namjoon exclaimed, irritation in his voice as he pulled himself off of you to glare at the door.

“What? I’m trying to be welcoming and inclusive here! Plus two birds one stone!” Jin argued back.

“Um,” You responded, sitting up gingerly. Namjoon leaned down and passed you your discarded top, you accepted it gratefully, pulling it on over your head.

You glanced over at Namjoon, who had an irritated look on his face. You shrugged.

“Yeah, sure, party sounds good.” You recalled faintly that there was some frat party on tonight.

“Sweet. Okay, well. Hurry up and get ready so we can leave. I figured the perfect time to arrive and seem late but not too late is like… in thirty minutes… so hurry up.” You heard Jin’s retreating footsteps.

“Sorry,” Namjoon murmured, sitting back on the bed wrapping his arms around your waist. “It’s the girl Jin likes, there’s this whole drama going on… I know we were supposed to spend time together tonight and this was not part of the original plan.” Frustration tinged his voice.

Your face was still flushed, as was his, and your body was still humming from how badly you wanted him. It was messing with your head and having him staring at you now with apologetic eyes, his arms around your waist… you shrugged off his arms, glancing away uncomfortably. You were suddenly confronted by how unfamiliar this was, how unfamiliar he was.

“It’s cool Namjoon, a party will be fun. Also, I just think I should make this clear,” You said quickly. “You don’t need to feel obliged to… spend time with me or whaetever. We aren’t in a relationship. I don’t want a relationship. This, between us… it’s no strings attached. No strings. At all.”

Namjoon nodded. “Okay.”

You frowned. “That’s it?” You asked suspiciously.

Namjoon shrugged. “Yeah, that’s it.”

You frowned at him. “That’s unlike you, you like talking in depth about everything.”

Namjoon nodded. “Well, we don’t need to about this. I like spending time with you. And if you like spending time with me too then that’s all that matters. I’m not going to pressure you over something stupid like a definition of what we are. I respect you, and your judgment.”

“Oh,” You said.

You were a little surprised by his answer and Namjoon gave you a smile, his eyes softening as he stared at you.

“You’re okay with everything, right?” He asked carefully, he phrased his question lightly but his eyes were intent on yours. “Because honestly, if you aren’t, in any way... you can tell me.”

You nodded, meeting his gaze. “Yeah,” You said shortly, feeling your cheeks flush a little. “... Are you?” You stared down at his bedspread and busied yourself with tracing patterns onto the fabric.

“Yep.” Namjoon replied simply and you felt a little flare in your chest from his words.

“Honestly, I didn’t think that I would end up here after that night on the wall.” You confessed, stealing a peek at him.

“Oh yeah,” Namjoon grinned, resting his face on his palm as he grinned at you. “Your neighbour’s wall. I should really send them thank you flowers or something.”

You let out a short, sharp laugh. “Please don’t. They hate me enough as it is.”

Namjoon smirked. “I can’t imagine why, you’re so positive and nice all the time.”

You responded simply by whacking him on the shoulder, Namjoon just let out a loud laugh.

“Hey, seriously. I admire that in you, you know. You’re not afraid to be yourself. More people could stand to be like that. Authenticity is so rare.”

You felt your chest tighten at his words and you blinked, unsure of how to respond. You tore your gaze away from him, and poked at his bedspread listlessly, letting out a noncommittal grunt in response.

“Hey,” Namjoon murmured. He shifted closer to you. “What’s on your mind?”

You let out a tiny scoff. Namjoon stayed quiet, and finally, you let out a resigned sigh.

“…How do you do it?” You asked softly, Namjoon cocked his head slightly at you.

“Hmm?”

“… Not care about what everyone thinks.”

Namjoon stared at you, before letting out a small sigh and tilting his head to one side, his eyebrows furrowed in thought.

“I still care about what people think,” He said slowly. “I did buy those cigarettes for the party after all.” He cringed and you suddenly flashed back to how nervous Namjoon was at the party on the night you met him, out of his depth, cigarettes in his pocket.

“Everyone cares. I just try to not let it affect how I see myself.” His eyebrows knitted together in thought.

You nodded, absorbing his words.

“It’s hard though. When it feels like everybody has a say about the kind of person you are.” You murmured quietly. You shot a furtive glance at him. “I’m sure you’ve heard some of the shit people say about me.”

Namjoon shrugged. “People say things about me too. People will always say things. Doesn’t change who you are.”

“Mmhm. I guess.”

“I mean,” Namjoon continued. “I used to care so much about all of that, what people thought and what they said. I wanted everyone to like me and I wanted to have all these friends because I thought if I had a whole bunch of people liking me then maybe I’d like myself. Thing is though- it’s not about everyone liking you or thinking you’re acceptable by their standards. It’s about putting your own happiness first.” His words were soft, and you stared at the bedspread.

“I guess. It’s just… it’s hard. Happiness. It’s not as easy to find as you’d think.” You said honestly. “I don’t know, I probably sound so stupid…”

“No,” Namjoon interrupted gently. “You don’t.” He stared at you and bit his lip.

“You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much.” Namjoon recited, before he shrugged, glancing down at the ground.

“It’s a quote from one of my favourite books, I think about it a lot.” He dragged his eyes up to yours and shrugged again. You smiled at him.

“It’s a nice quote.”

He nodded, his eyes intense. You realized that you had inched even closer to him.

He reached out and cupped your face in his hands, his eyes tender.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” He said softly.

Oh my God. A wave of something washed over you. You stared at him, your face stricken. “Namjoon-” You stammered.

A loud knock on the door interrupted you mid-sentence as you jerked away from Namjoon and cleared your throat, your heart pounding.

“Please, can we leave?” It was Jin, the impatience clear in his voice.

“Oh my God Jin,” Namjoon sighed out. “You need to work on your timing man.”

He shot you another apologetic look but you avoided his gaze as you got up from the bed, needing to look at something else other than him- suddenly afraid of the way you heart was beating in your chest like a drum.

It was a party like any other party you had been to. Clusters of people- talking, gossiping, alcohol lending them confidence. A Friday night like any other for you. The only difference was, that you were at this party with two people you never thought you’d be at a party with.

You snuck a glance over at them now. Jin was complaining to Namjoon about how the girl he had been seeing, had completely blown him off without so much as a second glance when he had walked in.

Namjoon sensed your gaze and glanced over at you, he raised his eyebrows and you tore your eyes away. You felt unsettled, nervous. Your body felt tightly wound, like a piece of copper coiled up into a spring.

This entire time, your entire life- you prided yourself on the fact that you knew men, you knew sex. You had long accepted the fact that intimacy wasn’t for you, relationships and connections and love, they just weren’t written in your cards. You had all the answers to questions you had asked as a younger, lost woman. And here was this guy who was proving that maybe you didn’t have all the answers you thought you had.

You watched Namjoon as he took a sip of his beer, listening to Jin. He interjected with comments, keeping his focus on his friend.

You were so used to guys your age being with their friends and making everything a competition - who could be the loudest, the crassest, full of jibes and cloaked insults and slaps on the back, that seeing Namjoon and Jin’s friendship was a bit jarring.

Surely Namjoon was keeping up a façade of some kind. You were struggling to believe that this was real, that he was real. You had always been content knowing you were wrapped up in layers of scar tissue that no one would ever be bothered to delve through. Until Namjoon.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” You muttered, turning and wheeling away. You needed space, you needed to clear your head. You weaved your way out of the crowd of people gathered around some guy doing jelly shots, headed towards the hallway, when you spotted a familiar figure by the couches.

You groaned internally. It was Taehyung, he was sitting with his friends, lounging on the couches with an air of brazen self confidence that although repulsive to you, seemed to be effective in drawing in half of the party’s female population.

You rolled your eyes and walked straight past him in the direction of what you hoped was the bathroom.

“Y/N.” You heard him call out your name and promptly ignored him, quickening the pace as you crossed the room.

“Hey,” You heard Taehyung’s voice, and felt his hand reach out, his fingers gripping around your wrist, stopping you in your tracks.

“Slow down babe.”

You prickled in irritation, yanking your arm free. “Get off me.”

Taehyung just smirked at you. “What, I thought you liked having your wrists held down. That’s what I’ve heard, anyway.” He said smoothly, earning a few badly masked sniggers from his friends.

“Grow the fuck up,” You hissed. Irritation flashed over his features before Taehyung just raised an eyebrow at you patronizingly.

“Relax babe, it’s a joke. Lighten up.”

“Well then, fuck off babe. I’m not in the mood for your shit jokes.”

Taehyung’s eyes flashed. “You’re not in the mood? That’s a first, isn’t it?” He said coolly. His words stung.

“Well yeah when it comes to you, I’m definitely not in the mood,” You hissed back defensively, feeling your face start to heat up.

You were suddenly aware of people looking your way- Taehyung’s friends with those stupid smirks on their faces, the girls looking you up and down. You were used to it, stares, hushed words, but all of the sudden it felt like too much.

“Jungkook man, I thought you said she was an easy fuck.” Taehyung directed his question to one of the guys sitting at the fringe of his group of friends.

Taehyung kept his eyes firmly on you, his gaze challenging. Your eyes darted over to his friend, Jungkook- realization settling in as your eyes fell on him.

God, you had slept with him, a rushed bathroom fuck when you had been particularly drunk in your freshman year at college. You had been a mess that night, the sex had been a mess- in fact, when Jungkook had staggered out of the bathroom, you had stayed inside, sitting on the closed toilet lid and finding yourself crying- hot, messy, inebriated tears. It was one of those situations when you didn’t know why you were crying, but the tears kept falling.

You had left the bathroom to see Jungkook standing there waiting for you, he spotted the tears on your face and didn’t say anything, gruffly muttering something along the lines of ‘I’ll call you’. He didn’t, you hadn’t expected him to, and you had promptly slotted that encounter in the back of your mind.

Your face burned as you thought about the fact that Jungkook had gone around telling Taehyung, god knows who else, that you were an ‘easy fuck’. Was he right? The question seared in your mind.

Jungkook just shrugged uncomfortably and averted your gaze.

“Well if such reports are true,” Taehyung drawled, you returned your attention to him. “Then it’s about time you and I hook up. I’m free tonight.” He smirked, a beautiful crocodile smile. You felt your stomach drop.

“Taehyung,” You heard Jungkook murmur in warning.

Taehyung, a guy who owned the fact that he liked to sleep around, surrounded by a cast of guys who idolized his every move. The same group of guys who called you an ‘easy fuck’.

You stood there, suddenly overwhelmed with a horrible panicky feeling. You wondered if your heart had somehow gone up into your throat because it was pulsing that hard, choked with tears.

You didn’t want to cry, not like this, not in front of Taehyung and his friends. You weren’t a crier- you were weak, you were strong, you were capable. You repeated the buzzwords in your mind but they just chipped away at you more and your eyes filled with hot tears. The more you told yourself not to cry, the more you felt on the verge of breaking down then and there.

Your legs finally listened to your brain and you walked away from Taehyung and into the hallway, you were faintly aware of him calling out your name but you ignored it, needing to be away from everybody.

You reached a bedroom and pushed forcefully on the door, it was empty, and your momentary relief was taken over by a feeling in your chest. It felt like you were being crushed, and couldn’t breathe.

“Y/N,” It was Namjoon’s voice, you hadn’t even heard him follow you into the room. “Focus on my voice. Breathe, okay? Everything will be okay.” His voice was low and even, he didn’t touch you but he stayed standing behind you, close enough that you could sense he was there.

You closed your eyes, feeling your chest tighten.

“Go away,” You hissed out, and Namjoon took one half step away.

“Breathe with me. Close your eyes.” He repeated firmly, and you heard him inhale. You followed suit, fluttering your eyelids closed, enveloping everything into darkness.

You could hear the commotion of the party, the rattle of the bedsprings in the room next to you, and the pulse of the music- like the party was something living and the EDM music was its heartbeat.

As if he could read the panic all over your face despite not even facing you, Namjoon raised his voice again. “Just focus on my voice, okay?”

He started talking, softly, but you weren’t fully paying attention to what he was saying, instead, you were attuned to the way his voice lilted on certain words.

His voice suffused your prickling emotions like syrup, it smudged the corners of the panic you felt. The panic slowed down, until finally, you straightened, your eyes fluttering open.

You stood there, breathing quietly, as Namjoon stopped talking.

“Y/N…” It was Namjoon, his voice as strained in concern as he rushed towards you. “Are you-”

You whirled to face him, tears pooling in your eyes. “I’m fine. It’s just… I freaked out, that’s all. Sorry you had to see that.”

“Hey,” Namjoon said, lowering his voice. “Don’t say sorry.” HIs eyes searched yours but you tore your gaze away from him. You suddenly felt vulnerable. You couldn’t hide in front of Namjoon, not when he stared at you like he wanted to hear your every thought. Furiously you swiped at your eyes but the tears fell faster.

“Y/N-” Namjoon said your name again, he reached out to you.

“What are you even doing here?” You snapped out, batting his hand away. Namjoon blinked, his arm frozen in the air. You were still crying and you stared at him, your eyes fierce through the flurry of tears.

“I was worried, I just-”

“Well can you stop?” You rose your voice hysterically. Namjoon immediately stopped talking, staring at you with an unreadable expression on his face. “Stop caring, stop it. I don’t care about you, so why do you care so much about me?”

You snapped out the words, almost biting them out.

Namjoon didn’t speak, he just stared at you.

“I don’t care about you, so can you just fuck off?” You hissed out. “Leave me the fuck alone.”

The moment the words were out of your mouth you didn’t know why you had said them. A small voice, a voice you hated, told you that you had said that out of fear. You were pushing him away, too afraid to let him in.

Truth be told was that sometimes you barely loved yourself, so how could someone like Namjoon love you? How could you let yourself open up to this guy who seemed like he was dipped in goodness and kindness when you were you, a cynical, bruised mess?

You felt it, self preservation, but of the must twisted kind, locking around you like a cage and trapping Namjoon out.

Namjoon didn’t speak, he just stared at you. You half expected him to frown, to say something cutting, or even shake his head and leave. Instead, he just stared, and looked down at the ground as if he was collecting his thoughts.

“Okay,” He said finally. “I’ll leave.” He turned and you were suddenly filled with the horrible feeling that maybe you had made a mistake. He hesitated for a split second by the door, and you wondered if it was him pausing to see if you would stop him.

You wanted to stop him- but you didn’t. Instead, you watched him walk away, weaving through the party and out of the front door.

You were rooted in place- your legs like lead, and you wanted to run after him and say sorry, but it was too late. As always, you had fucked it up.

You were still crying and you furiously wiped away at your tears, waiting for your tears to slow. Your chest shuddering slightly as you straightened and left the room.

You shut the door, listening to the click of the doorknob. You laid your palms flat against the panels of the door and inhaled.

You needed a drink.

You were sitting on a couch, miserable and slightly drunk, when your phone buzzed.

You couldn’t help the tremble of your fingers as you slid unlock on your phone, your heart leaping in your chest.

Unknown: I still free tonight if you’re down…

Your face twisted in disappointment. You knew instantly that the message was from Taehyung, cocky as ever. The guy didn’t even bother signing off with his name.

You lifted your fingers to reply, a fuck you maybe, or that girl with her arms making an X emoji, but you hesitated.

Unknown: here’s the address Unknown: ill see you soon

Your lips twisted into a scowl at the last message, at how entitled he was, assuming that you would drop everything and run to him.

But still, you paused. You clicked on the link Taehyung had attached, a red pin popped up on your Maps app and you stared at it. The tiny red pin.

Taehyung hadn’t even bothered to ask if you were interested- he had instead simply assumed that you would rock up. And was he wrong? You felt a nagging in your stomach, but you stared at the red pin until it blurred and you realized you were close to tears.

What was the point? You had said so yourself earlier tonight, you didn’t want a relationship, you had never believed in connections and intimacy. Taehyung was offering you just what you wanted. Clean cut, just two people, using one another.

That was what you wanted, right? That was what you were good for.

Namjoon’s words floated into your mind, his voice thrumming in the back of your thoughts like a hummingbirds wings. “You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it…”

You shook your head, as if that would somehow shake Namjoon’s voice out of your thoughts.

In fact, that was pretty much the entirety of the last few weeks- you trying to shake Namjoon off. But nothing had seemed to work.

You stared at the red pin, Taehyung’s address, and locked your phone decisively. You nodded to yourself, standing up and walking out of the party.

Maybe it was time to try a different tactic.

You were trembling as you walked up to the door. It felt like there was a knot in the pit of your stomach, a neat concoction of worry and fear.

It was like a bass line in your brain, telling you that it wasn’t too late to turn back, to go home. But still, you kept walking.

You hesitated for a brief moment before your knuckles came down on the wooden door, cementing your decision. This was really happening.

You heard footsteps and your breath hitched in your throat as the door swung open.

“Y/N?” Namjoon asked, surprise colouring his voice.

He had clearly been asleep- his hair was messy, his eyes bleary, as he stood there in pyjama bottoms and a plain tee. His pyjama bottoms had a crab print on them and he had pillow creases on his face.

“H-hi,” You stammered out. You stood there for a moment, staring at him blankly.

“You’re here,” Namjoon stated, surprise etched on his face. He reached up and ran a hand self consciously through his hair, patting down a particularly messy tuft of hair.

“Is everything okay?” He asked slowly, and you shook your head.

“What’s wrong?” Namjoon’s eyes widened in concern and you quickly shook your head, opening and closing your mouth a few times before forging on bravely.

“Nothing’s wrong, I just… I uh… I was a bitch. I was a class A bitch to you before and I’m sorry,” Your words tumbled out quicker than you could stop them.

“I don’t mean to be like that to you, I just, I don’t know how to be open with people. I’ve never had to be open with someone before. It’s not… easy for me, but I’m trying. I want to try with you, but I get scared sometimes, but I need you to know that I’m okay with being scared, and I’m not going to run away from it anymore.”

Namjoon’s mouth settled into a little ‘o’, and you didn’t stop to consider what exactly that meant, continuing on.

“I care about you. A lot. You’re annoying and confusing and I really have no idea how your brain works, but I think about you all the time and it is driving me crazy and even though it’s fucking terrifying… you make me happy.” Your words came out rapidly, and Namjoon was still staring at you with slightly widened eyes.

You cringed, feeling your insides curl as your heart continued to slam against your rib cage.

The silence between you and Namjoon stretched out and you felt your cheeks flush as you pulled your eyes away from Namjoon and to the floor, focusing on his feet. He was wearing mismatched socks.

“Sorry I… It’s the middle of the night. I'm… I should have called. I’m gonna leave,” You added, turning around, but Namjoon’s hands caught your waist, drawing you in. He spun you around, his eyes soft as he looked down at you.

He wasn’t smiling but you could see it in his eyes- warmth.

You realised it, right then, right there.

A pinpoint moment, like a pinprick, cutting neatly through everything you thought you knew. You wanted this. It was in his eyes.

The way Namjoon looked at you- like you were special, like you were something new to stare at, like he wanted to see all of you, it had you breathless. He gazed at you like you were something to seek meaning from, like he found inspiration in the nuances of your eyes.

You had never been looked at like that before- sure, you had been checked out before, blatant eyes and hungry stares, but that was different.

Namjoon studied you and it was almost as if you could see the thoughts dancing across his face. You wanted to open up those thoughts and untangle them, unspool what it was that went through his mind, what exactly he was thinking when he looked at you with eyes as soft and sweet as honey.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Namjoon said finally, his voice calm. Your heart gave out at his words, like a wave breaking. It was a small assurance that you had made the right decision, standing here, opposite a man in pyjamas and mismatched socks.

“I am too,” You confessed, and then he smiled. His smile lit up his entire face- his eyes crinkling slightly in the corners, dimples in his cheeks as he glanced downwards. It was something you noticed he did when he smiled, with his whole body almost- folding into himself like it was too much happiness for him to handle.

“I love your smile.” You blurted out, your cheeks tinging pink. Fuck, you were cheesy.

Namjoon’s head shot up, his eyes fixing on yours. Your blush deepened, you readied yourself to follow up the compliment with a sarcastic comment or something, in fact a little voice inside of you wanted to yell out ‘Just kidding opposite day’ or something equally stupid. But before you could say anything Namjoon pulled you into his arms. He pressed an absent kiss against your forehead, his lips brushing against your forehead like a stamp.

“Y/N.” He sighed out your name into your skin and didn’t say anything else but still, it felt like there was so much behind the one word, in Namjoon saying your name like it was a song.

Namjoon rested his chin on the top of your head and wrapped his arms around your waist, humming into the air.

“Stay over,” He said quietly, before disentangling himself, holding you at arms length. “If you want.” He smiled again, but this time he didn’t look away, his eyes intent on yours.

It felt like you were free falling. But this time, you didn’t back away from the feeling.

It was a risk. You were scared, of being open, of revealing parts of yourself that you had deemed would always stay private. But staring into Namjoon’s eyes, you were beginning to realize that it was okay to let other people in.

Something told you that you were making the right decision. And you were going to trust yourself.

“Sounds good.” You whispered, taking a deep breath.

Namjoon reached down, lacing his fingers with yours, squeezing your hand. He smiled at you, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“You sure?”

You nodded, a faint smile flitting across your face as you squeezed his hand back.

I’m sure.

#namjoon smut #namjoon x reader #namjoon scenarios #kkreationsnet #bts smut #bts scenarios #namjoon fanfic #bts fanfic

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obscurelistening · 6 years ago

Text

2017, a (rather late) year review (chapter 2 of 3.)

‘Are you going to kiss me then?’ - Reece

Boy. Dating. Again? Men? Damn. For the past few years (basically since being at uni), there has always been this strange sort of feeling around Valentines day. I remember back in 2015, being almost infuriated walking down one long road and seeing about 8 or 9 couples holding hands, the date of course being in February, so not so long after I’d just finished with my first boyfriend Josh.

Come the next year, that feeling was just pure sadness. 2016, was a bad year for dating, but boy, 2017 was even worse. Or so I thought. In February I didn’t care about having someone, I just wanted to never see another person ever again. Never have I been that close to booking a flight to a spontaneous European destination, and not telling anyone where I was going.

But, come summertime, the degree was over, and I was more receptive to dating other guys. Really I think I always am, but it just so happened that it coincided conveniently at that point in the year.

Skip forward to June. I’ve just got back from my holiday with my housemates, they’re gone, and I’ve been chatting to this fairly chatty and attractive guy called Owen, he seems nice, and within a couple of weeks, we agree to go for a date. Seems nice enough, I was actually quite excited. Though I did have my reservations, this guy seems pretty damn good looking, where’s he been for the past year?

There I was, stood outside of my local pub, when a few moments later, he turns up, sheepish, not a lot to say, and part of me wondering if he has a learning difficulty? Not in a horrible way, but it was just the way that he made that initial contact, something didn’t seem quite right.

Anyway I dismissed it as shyness, and despite the awkward failed attempt at a hug on my part, and the fact that I was trying to be enthusiastically open, and chatty, (him very much the opposite), we went to get food.

Food was okay, enough for me to invite him to go for a walk to the park with me. That, I actually quite enjoyed. What we lacked in conversation and the ability to find common interests, we made up for by making out with each other through basically ever twist and turn. It was enough, I thought, after the kissing, to go on another date. Perhaps he’d be more chatty. Yes he seemed disorganised as hell, and clearly lacking in some social skills (who gets to June and still hasn’t got confirmation from his ‘friends’ if they’re all living together?), but I was willing to give it a go.

So, a week or so later we went for drinks. I, as per usual was running late. Which meant he’d been sat in this local hipstery bar for at least half an hour. He’d had a couple of drinks, but thank the lord he couldn’t seem to care less. He was content enough to see me.

The date continued, through extremely stifled yawns - when I say extremely I mean, we’re talking one every few minutes (yes the conversation was that dry), and through his musk which said ‘I haven’t washed my clothes in about 2 months’ (yes I smelt it the first time, but assumed the damp weather and the fact he was moving house... you know what, I don’t know, I just gave him the benefit of the doubt. It’s not like he smelt bad, he just smelt stale...) - I was able to just about survive. Except, when the muffled yawns became too much, and I was drunk enough, that I invited him back to my place.

Looking back I’m not sure why I did it. I would’ve been much happier simply to just go back home and enjoy the bed to myself. Hell, failing that if I needed some company, that’s what grindr is for right? Just get someone over for a cuddle...

But no, I was stupid enough to do that. So we popped back to his place, to get some things, his friend was there, and far more talkative than Owen himself. Then it was to mine. Clothes came off, and after some touching we fell asleep. Ah bliss, I can have a cuddle and not have to try and make the most strenuous conversation with a lad that smells like damp swimming trunks. The next morning, he’s rushing to my bathroom to throw up. ‘Hmmm I think to myself’ ‘Smells, throws up profusely after a few drinks, can’t hold a conversation, and from what I felt last night, has a small cock’, and on that note, he accepted my offer to walk him home. And with that, my first, and first awful date of the year.

The perfect guy?

Honestly, I don’t think dating someone can get much worse than that. Maybe if he’d thrown up over me / my bed, and didn’t have a penis at all, was mute maybe? Then sure. But he did pretty well to let it go that astronomically. With that in mind, and the fact I went home for the summer, dates didn’t really happen for a while. London Fetish Week was coming up, I had a wedding to play for, my 21st birthday, and then a family holiday. I was never really in one place for longer than a week. And to be honest, what’s the point in going on dates with boys at home? We’ve done that once, and look how well that one turned out...

So roll on September meant rolling on some new guys. And that’s where Reece appeared. It was a similar fashion to before. Chatting to a guy I found fairly attractive on grindr. Okay good, I’ve sent more than the only pic that makes me look acceptable and he’s still talking. Oh look he want’s to go on a date. Great, let’s do it, he seems nice, chatty, and I find him attractive.

Meeting inside the same pub this time, and wow what a difference. This guy was fairly attractive, smiled when I came up to him, and within minutes we were talking and laughing smoothly. It was great! He had a slightly camp voice which detracted from his overall masculine demeanour, at least that’s how he’d appeared on photos, but who cared? I was having a great time with him. Before I knew it, we were off to get food together.

Again, the conversation flowed nicely, and we were getting on like a house on fire. More drinks continued to flow and we continued to get pissed. Great, we ended up in a drag bar, I was drunker, and apparently, a lot camper, and we were holding hands, much to the amusement of a mocking drag queen. But where do we go from here? I’m really enjoying this date and the company, oh wait no he just said it ‘so when are you going to kiss me?’ ‘Well, right now I guess?’, in my head I was thinking I wasn’t ready, I’d wanted to hold his gaze for a good few seconds before proceeding with that, but then again, maybe my lazy eye had been holding his gaze the entire time and I’d just not known. Either way, we kissed, and to be honest that kiss felt good, really good actually. Really damn good.

Boy, I want to see him again. But that wasn’t a problem, because little did I know, he hadn’t booked a hostel ( he was commuting to uni), and so I invited him to stay at mine, and like with Owen, this time at my request, we simply cuddled. Great. He left the next day and we’d already arranged our next date. It was only a few days before our next date, and we went for lunch. Nice enough so I thought, and after a brief lunch and a kiss on the lips, he went to uni, and I went home to do fuck all, as one does when they’ve graduated and are unemployed.

Well, we had a couple of more lunch dates, and they were nice. His company was nice enough, but it wasn’t progressing. It had been four dates by this point, but I felt I knew him less deeply now, than I did after date one. It was time to up the ante, and I did so by asking him out on another evening date. Lunch dates were always rushed, and with him, it felt so adult, that it didn’t feel like we should be having in-depth life discussions during such dates. So we went on an evening date, him booked into a hotel, and me, making sure he wasn’t going to end up back at mine this time. And again, that was going nicely enough. Food, and then some drinks in some gay bars, it was all going well. And with the alcohol, I pushed for more depth. I would have loved to know what drove him, the deepnees inside of him. Has he ever been in love? Has he had a relationship, been heartbroken? What’s his family situation like? And I pushed for those things, and largely I got answers. But with it, I got no depth, he’d not opened up in a way that allowed for any deeper understanding. And in a way, that would have been okay, absolutely fine. Clearly I would’ve had to have worked harder for the answers. But, I didn’t feel there was actually much more depth for him to give. Little more information for him to divulge, while at the same time, I wasn’t feeling telling him my life story either. For the lovely, talkative and chatty guy that he was on the surface, I quickly began to realise that beyond that layer, we actually had very little in common. Even his views on gay sex were what I’d called archaic, I’m more muscly and less camp than he so I must be a ‘top’, and that’s not ‘fluid or every susceptible’ to change, sex happens in a certain way etc etc. Well no it doesn’t, and there we are, I’ve found out more about you, and I just don’t think we work. This coupled with the fact that in-between dates, there has been no in-depth chatting or conversation, texting, or anything of that ilk, then the solution is simple. You’re a lovely guy Reece, but you’re not for me. And with that, we have the dates of 2017.

‘I wish I could give you a hug right now, and tell you just how much I loved you’ - me

If I look at one thing that has shifted dramatically, it’s my relationship with Dan. I don’t think I ever imagined it would get to the place that it would get to, or the place it would be in now. As far as I knew, the bad stuff was mostly over, by January we were fine again, the stuff off the old, September 2016 had been dealt with, and we were able to continue being friends. Or so, as I have often naively thought, was the case. The thing is, with Dan, it has never been simple, and unfortunately I feel that that is often a recurring theme of our relationship.

After all the shit that had happened, between the summer of 2016, and October that year, things were finally in a good place. We were getting on and enjoying spending time with each other. Come December that year, another leaf of openness was turned, as I revealed how much of a sexual deviant I was. Not only was I open with him sexually, asking him opinions and for advice on what I was going to wear to the fetish New Years party, but I felt like we were extremely close for the first time in a long time. It felt like first year again, 2015. None of that buillshit of second year of not speaking, for once, everything in our relationship was actually perfect, almost. There were underlying difficulties though. He’d revealed to me just how much he still thought about and cared for Tom, and this was far before January had even began to fully unfold. But whatever, it wasn’t so much of a big deal I thought, it wasn’t going to affect our friendship. A more mounting concern was over his heart condition, which was pretty scary to me. Not knowing what could be causing a supposed perfectly healthy 21 year old to have a heart rate the pace of a squirrel was concerning, especially when healthcare professionals were weighing up if there could be serious implications.

Either way, come the start of January 2017, we were back in Cardiff, and it was business. We were talking openly about the situation with Tom, for both of us, the prior academic year. It had been mad for me, accusations that I was going around and hurting him, and things just being miserable for me, for Dan, him dating him and connecting with him in ways he’d not experienced with others before.

That was all well and good, but out of that drew a sadness for me. Which we discussed at length. One night at a party, I remember texting Dan to say how emotional the situation was making me, and we told each other how much we cared for each other. With that, after I’d come back from the party, he came over. We did some sexual stuff. Nothing more than we’d done before. To me, it wasn’t some part of a sexual awakening or renewed or invigorated sexual episode leading to more escapades. Purely at that moment, there was a lot of emotion flying around, and us being together at that time felt like the only way it could be expressed. That’s how I see it anyway. Purely a way of expressing those emotions at that one distinct time.

It was probably one of the most emotional, intimate moments I’d ever had with him, anyone. Not only was there kissing, we were literally telling each other how much we loved each other. There was a sexual element too, but this wasn’t the main focus. He’d tell me how much he loved me, and I him, and then we’d embrace and hold each other and kiss each other.

And I knew a moment like that was rare, or more likely, not going to happen / come around ever again / so I tried to enjoy it. However, in the back of my mind, I knew that I had to not let myself fall into the previous traps of first year and the prior months. Looking back, I don’t think that moment made any of those things happen, as in, it didn’t change my feelings towards him or have a newfound perception that there was going to be this new intimacy, not only had I securely reaffirmed in my mind that, despite this one night, this wasn’t to be a frequent thing, that’s not what he wanted, I knew, deep down, that there were upcoming challenges for us.

The landscape was clearly changing. He was still clearly holding strong feelings for Tom, and I think I cared about Dan more dearly at that point than I had in a long time, maybe at any other point.

The Second Year Footnote It’s important to look at the climate of our relationship at that point. Just a few months ago, I’d been wrecked with annoyance. The summer of 2016, saw our friendship crumble. Year 2 had been a bad year for us anyway, and that was largely reconciled at the end of the year during pub golf. Just a few nights before we all went away for the summer, I had an outing with my soon to be housemates and Dan’s friends. While it was a long time ago, I distinctly remember it being awkward, me being in a weird pissy mood with him. By the end of the night though, we were reconciling in Live-Lounge, I was the most drunk I’d been in a long time, and I let him have it. Considering when I’m normally that drunk I remember very little, I’m still surprised that I remember telling him exactly how I felt. How I hate how he’d treated me, and that I’d had feelings for him, but him being a dick throughout second year and us failing to speak, had eventually helped me clear my mind and get over him.

What happened between me saying all of that, to him ending up in my bed is quite a bit more hazy. At the end of the day, little did I know was that I still contained an STI I’d received after Poland. Me believing it had been treated, turned out not to be the case. While giving someone an STI is complicated enough, it’s even more complicated when he has to tell the guy that he has massive feelings for and has just ended things with (largely because of you) that you might have given it to them.

And largely with that, the awkwardness drawn out of that situation, was enough to spell a period where we weren’t really talking again.

Second Year Awkwardness Spills into Third Year

Suddenly third year started off a bit odd. I had Dan, coming into my house all of the time. Playing video games, seeing his other mates, and largely leaving space between us. I remember the first time he came round, the day I happened to move in, in September 2016 to the new place, and his friend Josh had also moved in that day. With my door propped wide open, even though I had a mate in there with me. I just saw him flash past the corner of my eye. Not even a hello, or anything, and he was gone.

‘Oh right okay’ was the first thing that came to my mind. That’s how the atmosphere is gonna be like for this year is it? This kinda thing continued. He’d be often over, not that I’d be aware or informed, see his other mate/s then be gone. Or be round for pres and drinking, and the next thing I knew he’d be out. When he wasn’t here, Josh would often bring him up to their other home mate. He’d mention things, and I’d normally hear about what he was doing just by overhearing. I’m pretty sure it was how I’d heard that he was a growing concerned about his heart.

Things looked largely set to continue, until one evening when he was finally a bit drunk, and came into my room with Josh, who’d come in to ask me something - He kissed me on the head and told me how he’d missed me. But it just didn’t feel right or okay, not with how things were being. So I gave him the cold shoulder. He soon got the message, as he messaged me and we addressed it. After that, things were sorted, and it was no longer awkward. We were finally starting to mend our friendship, so by the time January 2017 came around, not only had we been sharing new and differing aspects of our lives, we were distinctly close compared to prior periods. Great Right?

Back to January 2017

In some sort of strange way, January 2017 seemed like some sort of Romeo & Juliet, Tristan and Isolde moment. The brief time of perfection where we were closer then we had ever been, was short lived. In relation to our timeline, there was this moment where we’d felt so close, and there was nothing getting in the way of us being very close. There was no difficult situation to deal with, no elephant in the room that needed addressing immediately.

I’ll always see this very short lived moment in our relationship as something quite beautiful. Looking back in more recent months, it’s not something that I ever often think about. Because Dan is still a part of my life today, I see our current relationship as news of the day, and that’s something I’m content with in different ways. While it’s far less intense, it’s also far less fulfilling, but it’s something I fully accept, and am more than comfortable with.

That previous moment certainly wasn’t a continuum. Yes, the heart thing was a growing concern, but Tom, this ‘Tom thing’ was growing to become a far bigger deal. That was consuming everything our relationship was worth, not simply a small aspect to how he or I were feeling, but something far bigger, it threatened to swallow the relationship whole - everything we were or had, whole.

The brief context behind Tom, was that Dan had been on a number of dates with ‘the pastors son’, a part French / Flemish guy from a religious family background, who did the same course as I, in the year below us. Before Dan even knew who he was, I’d met him. We’d been on one date, but had chatted continually before that. It got to crunch time and after one short lived kiss, things got out of hand. He started to tell others that we were dating, and shortly after, that I was abusing him. I became distraught, reported it (nothing happened), and I worked to move on with my life. Meanwhile, Dan and I weren’t really properly talking anyway during second year (he had bigger fish to fry), and by the time I’d reconciled with him months later, he’d been dating this guy.

When I told Dan of the back story between Tom and I, things went a little mad, and Dan broke it off. But there was one thing to break it off with someone. There’s another to still be head over heels for them, and be unable to shake intense feelings of yearning and longing for someone.

Enter End of January 2017.

There were small hints that this Tom thing was becoming a growing concern affecting Dan’s happiness. At a course mates Halloween Party that I brought him along to, a girl that I was friends with recognised Dan and made remarks, Dan became very awkward. But there were other moments like these, that when I questioned him, were less to do with these people judging and making small remarks, but more about how Tom was very much, still the topic of the day.

Once he had fully opened up, it became clear how extensive this was. Reading the messages nightly before bed, thinking about him continually, and comparing seeing every other person he’d meet to being with him. He told me that if a mate went for drinks with him, he would leave wishing it was Tom he could be with.

At the end of the day, I thought I knew where I stood. I was never going to fulfil this role, but I still cared and continue to care for him, and wanted what was best for him. So I encouraged him to, situation permitting, push for more contact with Tom.

He may have ceased contact summer prior because of me, but if he felt about him with this much intensity, still, months later, what was the point in punishing himself, especially if he truly felt that he loved this guy.

Come late January / early feb, we had a house party for my housemate (I believe it was his birthday, and Rob and I invited a load of course people, you know to make it bit more fun and less shit. Well that was all well and good, and plenty of people turned up. But so too did Tom, and well it being a house party for Dan’s close mate at the time, so did Dan.

Their level of contact amounted to a couple of gazes across a kitchen table. Well I say gazes, it was more like one of those awkward glances you give someone you hooked up with while they're shopping with their parents. Those brief moments of eye contact left Dan panicking, resulting in him locking himself away, hidden in my room, where I spent much of my time with him that night. Safety?

But after that night, everything changed. This issue, if you could call it that, of how Dan was feeling towards Tom, was growing, and Dan was becoming more and more soul-stirred by this entire thing.

That was it. Something had to give. But let’s not forget how I was feeling. At this point, the growing issue over Dan’s heart health was giving me more and more cause for concern. The level of stress was going through the roof. On one night out, I walked out balling my eyes out having to talk to a friend on the phone because I was that concerned. Yes I was pissed out of my mind, but I’d had no one to discuss with just how worried I was feeling when I was sober, and it all built up when I was drunk. That fear, the fact there was this glimpse, a glimmer that he might not exist, or be around, made me incredibly sad. In fact, just writing this, brings a small tear to the eye. This is well over a year later, with much of that negated.

His heart was my main concern, we were showing more of an emotional connection for each other, and then him coming in loving Tom was suddenly appearing. It was like something out of a film. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t / couldn’t be happening.

So what was to come next? The only thing that could happen, the thing that I pushed him toward. He got in touch with Tom, and for the next month or so, the rest was absolutely fucking history.

The level of contact slowly increased, at least as far as I was made aware, a couple of messages, grew to the point where they were sending strings of messages and conversing continually, and I found myself slowly ignored. I allowed myself to become a little obsessed. So much so in-fact that I could tell if they were messaging each other based on when they both went on and offline on whatsapp in tandem push-pull-push. I’d stare watching for a few minutes then realise I was going fucking mad, and needed to stop.

Not a few days passed, when I received a message. The message.

‘He says we can meet’

///

‘I just saw him, that was really sad, but it is clear now.’

Things couldn’t have been less clear. They met. And we talked about it, I tried to offer him words of reassurance, but within a day or two it became even clearer. The feelings had intensified once more. He was properly holding feels for Tom now.

‘The way we look at each other and stuff’ ‘It’s not just friends’ ‘I can’t see it changing’

We would then discuss at length the future for him and if that future involved a Tom. The answer was simple apprehension. No one knew. There was no clarity, we were just talking and mulling for the sake of mulling and nourishing in this issue. There was no resolution. But with the sun now shining over Dan’s love for Tom, the clouds were forming above and around me. My feelings were becoming muddied, juxtaposed with the confusion and panic over the continuing heart problems. Let’s run an echo test here, ECG there.

It was heartbreaking but as time went on, I’d only work harder to give Dan the answer I was happy for him to hear no matter how much it was going to crush my soul ‘But did you share the emotional connection with Jon that you share with Tom?’ No, the answer was no. Tom was always stronger.

We then discussed love, what is love, what is the difference between loving someone and being in love? I guess the simple answer, reading back through those messages was that I simply was in love with Dan? Was I? If I wasn’t in love, its the closet thing to being in love that I’ve ever experienced.

‘But I can’t deny how it feels good when I get to hug you or hold you.’ If that’s not me being in love then I don’t know what is.

Everything was becoming too much. He was still talking to him every day. And me being me, had to produce a little soliloquy, like some sort of fucking poet.

‘Do you want to know what I propose?’

‘That we take a break. 5 days to a week. Obviously you might be round or something and I’ll be civil. But I think you need some time to get your head together a bit more. I honestly don’t feel like the current state is helming either of us tbh, and I don’t want you be feeling guilty al the time. Take 5 days to a week. We’ll talk then, and see if it’s allowed you to do some thinking, and see how you feel. Obviously, don’t let that change how you do / act about anything else. Just to give yourself some time to actually properly think about things. I don’t think I’m helping.

After some deliberation, it was agreed.

I barely managed 24 hours. Why? Because I’d seen that Tom had posted he was with him on Snapchat. That was it, everything came crashing down, again. That was it, madness looking back on it.

Breaking point.

Of course, I didn’t mention that in-between these events, when I said breaking point I meant it. I was avoiding making contact with other people. I was starting to turn off my phone or leaving it at home when I went about my day to avoid having to respond to people and see messages come up. But most importantly, I didn’t want to see or be reminded of Dan.

So the next best thing was to go to a counsellor. I went to a drop in session, so close to despair. I blurted it all out ‘I’m in love with someone, that loves somebody else, and they could be dying. They’re probably not dying but there’s talk of this irregular heart rhythm, being related to something not right in the brain and I don’t know what the hell is going on arghh oh my god’. The latter part of that sentence, closer to how my mini ‘describe whats wrong’ speech was actually formed. But words to that effect came out.

‘Okay, we can probably get you some counselling for all of that.’ In the mean time, ‘drink plenty of fluids and get exercise.’ Wait I’m sorry, I went to see someone about my mental health not about me trying to loose my beer gut. okay then…

Life continued, I self medicated. I would ring my best friend from home daily, sometimes two or three times, and just tell him everything. My mental state was so bad that, in the days leading up to my election campaign I was inches from catching a train home to stay back with my parents and confessing everything to them. And when I say everything, I don’t know where the start, and where the end of those confessions would have happened. I didn’t go home. Waking my housemate up at 3 in the morning to go for a 2 hour long walk solved things luckily. What a time to be alive. Back to day to day life:

More soliloquy’s pursued.

It had all been ‘building up’ to this moment. If that were quite possible. It was the ‘final time’ he was going to see Tom. Talk things through with him, and maybe resolve to never see him again. Somehow I’d managed to work up and conjure thoughts in my head. The craziness had well and truly kicked in again by this point. I was so desperate to see what it was that he loved about him so much. What was it, that he had, that I didn’t. What could he provide that I never could, why did he love him so much.

I walked out the door. I walked around, taking a break at a particular spot to see if I would see them. But nope, nothing. That was pointless, I’d worked myself up for nothing, desperation to see them together, see how they could interact, only sent my mind swirling. Especially with the knowledge that he was going back to his that night.

Back at home, barely tucked in, thumbs were busy at work…

Closing thoughts: I want you to really think this next couple of weeks about how you really feel about Tom. I bet you're spending the night with him tonight.

The pain for me right now generally is unfathomable. It feels like a betrayal to tell me you love me then rush to see him so quickly. But. I can and will get through this. It's going to take a long time though. You have to know this is something you just cannot be here with me for. You know. I find this weird because to most people, they wouldn't even consider doing what you're doing by seeing someone who had caused someone they cared about so much pain. They'd be like fuck that shit and not want to take things further.

Which says to me, that he must be really so very special for the fact that you are having great difficulty in ending things with him and that you would even go as far as you have done in terms of seeing him. I don't think you want to hurt me, and I'd like to think that losing the relationship that we have must be a high enough stake to pay if you're willing to still consider seeing him.

For us, I think honestly think the fact you've gone this far has to spell the end of what we have together. It simply cannot be and cannot work in this way. Spend the next couple of weeks to really think properly about how you feel about him. I don't want you to think about me. Because honestly mate, I think we are past this point. I just don't see how we can ever get past this point. As I've said before we've always been doomed 😂.

I'll always love and care about you. And that's what makes this so tough. But I can't allow you to hurt me anymore. And I know you don't want to. So I'm doing what's best for the both of us, and saying that I think this is it for us man. We have hit the end. This is that brick road. That one thing we can't overcome together. And I really wish it never had to be like this. Words cannot describe how much happiness and joy I wish your life to have. And I hope I've given you a fraction of that and that you've enjoyed my company. I just don't see how we can go back from this I really don't. I'd love to hear what you think. But I know your head isn't clear right now, and I know you probably feel guilty for hurting me.

But I'm putting a stop to all of this hurt, so no one is going to be getting hurt anymore okay.

Talk to me in a couple of weeks properly. I hope you'll have the respect to, for once, actually give me a proper idea through how you've been feeling, what's been going through your head, and how you'll be proceeding things with Tom. I know you'll find that extremely difficult. But I've always been open with how i felt. I feel like you can return this favour as a last hurrah to me at least.

This is all I have to say for now. But I hope the next two weeks is therapeutic for the both of us. I just wish to put a stop to all of this pain and suffering. This cannot continue any longer. I can't take it, it's not healthy and I'm becoming ill because of it.

So as I said. No more pain. No more suffering. I'm just going to try and mend things for myself for the next couple of weeks, and I hope you can figure out exactly how you actually feel.

I love you. But goodbye for now.

How fucking dramatic. And you know what, we’re not even halfway through yet.

So the next day that was it.

On a mere few hours sleep.

We’d agreed to meet.

Not in some warm house like normal people or on a bed. But I was sat at a park, just there, contemplating. There wasn’t a lot to contemplate, there wasn’t a lot to think, anything else to process.

I’d been sat there for quite some time in the rain before he arrived. I was ‘gathering my thoughts’. School children wandered through the park, and a women walking her dog to and fro smiled at me a few times as she kept looping back and forth.

Then he appeared. He sat down. It was that moment that I looked at his face, and how he couldn’t look me in the eye. The face I’m sure I pulled when I found out Aidan had died. Complete withdrawal, everything is up there, in your mind, yet nothing at the same time. Nothing to be said, nothing to be done.

Yet we both spoke, then stopped. There was some hand holding. Very slow sentences were exchanged, the words few and far between. When the words did finally begin to flow, that was it, no turning back.

‘So you’ll never ever want to be with me?’ ‘I have asked myself why but I just don’t’

‘What do you actually think of me?’ I don’t really remember the answer this question.

The rest of the questions I asked or anything else. It was just noise, a blur, hard horrible calming words.

All I remember is the hysterical crying on my part. The rain beginning to fill the atmosphere, the hand holding, and a strange sort of closeness that could be borne only out a disaster. While it felt like a strangely horrifying moment, it was closure. This really was the end. The end to all of this pain. The end to how it was going to be between me and him, and how I finally had to accept, that no matter what I did, he was never going to love me. Not in that way. But that moment strangely also gave me hope.

Why, I’m really not sure, but I remember the way we chatted, it seemed to go some way to us resolving that we could still have a relationship together like before, and there was no reason this couldn’t continue. Which in many extents was correct, but as of today, has begged to show otherwise.

So I guess the question was, going by all of the shit that happened in second year, spending months to heal enter a meditative state and recover, why was I still in love with him? What had driven me to this crazy mental state where I was unable to use my phone without watching a two people ping-pong in conversation, or me feel sick enough to have to and seek counselling.

I guess you could break it down. Firstly in second year when I was forced to recover, I was over him in the sense that I didn’t think Dan was a good person, a proper friend that I would want to have a relationship with (a romantic one). That feeling had gone. Second year had been a lot about anger, and ‘rage’ well not quite rage, but more annoyance and distaste for how he treated me, as a character. That was not to say I didn’t still love him. Because obviously deep down I still did.

Then there was the fact that, even though I had fulfilled a lot of healing, his liking Tom brought back a lot of feelings of the past (not about Dan, but about a time of pain and suffering), and with those feelings came in mixed feelings of love for Dan.

Of course, I can’t forget the heart. When I believed he could be critically ill, it just made me worry and panic so much. How could someone that I’d shared what I felt to be a uniquely close relationship with, be potentially so ill that my head was contemplating stories of their ceasing existence.

But finally, the fact is simple. I still was in love with Dan. I think it’s hard to fall out of love with someone no matter how much they hurt you. And you always forget, just because you love someone, doesn’t mean you can be with them. Me not being with him, didn’t mean I didn’t love him.

So why did those final moments with him in the park, and the subsequent wetherspoons give me hope?

It was simple really. Everything was fine and dandy before, and it could be fine and dandy again. There was no reason that we couldn’t return to normal and be proper friends. And I did truly believe that. For a while that was the case, but 2018 has shown me, that nothing in this world is consistent or ever stays the same. Especially not, my relationship with Dan.

Finally actually healing.

No sooner had the eruption happened, was the emotional fallout being cleared. It might have been a nuclear blast, but it came without the fallout. It’s crazy to think just how quickly I actually medicated and began to get over things after it all that time.

I guess I’d had my moment. Like when you’re having sex and you’re desperate to cum. You cum. You’ve done your bit. That’s it, you’re happy, you’re content, you don’t need to cum again. The park was that moment. I had to hear certain things being said that one final time. So I could sleep, and sleep with a smile on my face, because I knew I had the answers my heart, not my head needed to hear (my head already knew all of those things).

I can’t deny something else didn’t help. The way Dan described other guys falling for him. One or two dates and they’d be falling at their feet, desperate to date him. ‘Look at all of these guys falling for me’ it just stank of, ‘look how easy it is to get guys to fall for me, and then I’m gonna abuse that’. He didn’t say those things, but that’s what my mind was telling me he was basically saying.

It made me feel a fool. I was just another one of those worthless guys, that didn’t mean much to him, that had fallen for him and then gotten rejected. I asked him if he was going to talk about the other guys feelings once ‘nah probably just fuck him, and get take out’. How lovely. Has the past 3 months, 6 months, year, yearsss, not taught you anything at all?

I get that you’re hurting in-turn yourself, but how could you think I would see you in a good light for saying those things and acting in that way?

It made me feel a complete idiot, a numpty, how could I be so stupid, clearly I’d misread him and how he actually felt and just allowed my attraction to take me this far. Clearly I’d mistaken all of that closeness.

Obviously it wasn’t that extreme, but that’s how it felt in my head at the time. And it really was a string of guys. Chiron, Miguel, Ben. They’d all fallen for him. And i’m not saying that our relationship was that frivolous, and hearing him say that I knew him ‘more deeply’ than anyone else in the world was obviously an achievement and showed how close we were. But in my head, well clearly someone (you, Seb) got a bit too carried away here, you fucking idiot.

Reflection.

There is little that can be done to reflect on the situation now, other than the more recent months of 2018. That point in my life is truly behind me. What I really think looking back on it all is, I wonder how it will affect future relationships. I know that my tolerance towards people has actually decreased massively. I found myself clearing out conversations with old guys and people I used to chat with. The old me would be readily saving those, ready to read whenever the extremely rare occasion amounted that I’d like to go over them. So in my head things have changed.

I can’t say I’m not glad that I’m over Dan. Finally, after all of this time. But as Owain said about Pete, there will always be a part of me that just feels like it belongs to him. And that, will probably never change. He is a birthmark, a tattoo, etched into me forever.

End of Chapter 2.

The final - chapter 3 next - a twink, and the months beyond 2017.

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