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chimivx · 4 months ago

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TASTE. -> 'Haven' from the POV of Hyunjin. (Part Four of Six)

summary: All of the truth comes out. Hyunjin makes sure of it.

word count: 9k

warnings: 18+, infidelity themes all throughout, toxic friendships/relationships, sexual content, alcohol abuse, struggles with mental health themes, cursing, if I missed anything PLEASE LET ME KNOW!

a/n: This is long overdue. <3

I had barely eaten anything in two days.

My stomach, empty, full of a sickness I couldn’t shake, sunk any time Jade came near me or opened her mouth. Felix lived in the back of my mind until this Sunday morning, where Jade caught me in the kitchen trying to force down a cup of black coffee. Thursday night had turned out to be a night I would never forget. The first time Felix kissed me, the first time someone genuinely seemed to care about the loss of my mother, the first time anyone could actually see me.

It had been the best night that I’ve had in a long time. The type of night where I didn’t feel the need to drown myself in whatever liquor they had behind the bar at Haven.

As Jade approached me quietly in a pair of grey sweatpants with her damp hair that she was drying with a towel hanging at her shoulders, I felt that need. The sight of her knowing lips scrunched sideways on her face tried to persuade me to dive into the cabinet by my knees, grabbing a bottle or two by the neck, and downing them to numb myself from whatever she was about to say.

Post-shower, she was glowing. No makeup on, sweats, hair disheveled and stringy from the water… She was always gorgeous, and she forever will be. No matter what.

Since our conversation, if one would call it that, in the garage on Thursday, the two of us had barely spoken. She worked both Friday and Saturday, while I hung around the apartment, wallowing in my nerves and the occasional shot of liquor to get rid of the thoughts.

We were better apart, and I wondered if these two days had proved that to her as well, because whenever she came back home we were walking on eggshells. Afraid to speak, afraid to say anything that would trigger another barking match.

With her propping herself against the counter across from me, I was unsure of anything that was about to ensue.

Jade, who had looked at me twice, tossed the towel on top of a counter and folded her hands in front of her. I trained my eyes to stay on the steamy coffee in my mug, counting the tiny little bubbles that lived along the edges of the ceramic.

The air was tight, and getting tighter, but I wasn’t sure if that was just me. My nervous system was beginning to strangle me from the inside out, my joints tightening the longer she stood in front of me without saying a word.

Flickering my eyes up to hers, I watched with bated breath as she parted her lips, her voice coming out soft, and gentle, and genuine.

“Can we talk about what happened between us on Thursday, I just-”

“Felix kissed me.”

The words slipped out of me in a whisper. A whisper that didn’t have much effect over her being. Maintaining her tedious expression, she only gave her head a small nod, lips still parted from where her almost question was cut off. She didn’t move much else.

“I kissed Felix.” I added, knowing that it wasn’t just the blonde Aussie’s fault. “We kissed. At Haven.”

She didn’t move.

In the past when I had told her about the other girls, had told her word for word everything we had done, what I had said to them, what they had said to me, where it happened, every detail- her eyebrows would squish together, and her lips would pout. The color in her face would drain, she’d appear sick to her stomach. Her energy would withdraw completely, and she’d close up within herself.

This time, she didn’t move.

She knew.

“I heard,” she said.

“From who?” I whispered, my voice growing shakier by the second.

Jade pulled her lips into a line. “Minho.”

Right, the witness. I knew that.

When had they spoken about it? Did they talk right after it had happened? Did Jade show up to Haven to see him after her shift at work? She didn’t get home until pretty late that night. Did Minho go to the restaurant instead? A place where they’d be safe from all prying eyes. I know they both had gotten off pretty late, maybe they had gone to his place, and he had told her there, and maybe they had…

Jade’s hands were on my shoulders after they had taken the mug from me and put it on the counter top. Her sweet face was a blur to me as tears pooled in my eyes and a sob lodged in my throat. I couldn’t make out anything she was saying to me, all I could hear was the pounding of my heart in my ears and the release of my quick breaths that I sucked in even faster.

I wasn’t sure when she got me to sit down in one of the chairs at our table, but she did. Sitting on my lap she took my face in her hands and kissed the tip of my nose gently, dragging her thumbs over the apples of my cheeks while she waited for me to calm down. She didn’t say much, not that I could hear. She just waited. She watched.

“Jade,” I gasped, blinking through the tears. Raising my hands I tried to reach for hers, and she took them in an instant. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

“Shhh, stop,” she mumbled. “Take a breath, then talk to me.”

Air filled my lungs only halfway. It hurt to take it any further. “Jade… I don’t know… I don’t know why I do this.”

She frowned. “Do what, Jinnie?”

A gasp ran through me before I muttered, “Hurt you. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I am the way I am, I put you through hell, day after day, you don’t deserve any of it, Jade, you don’t deserve it.” She wiped tears from my cheek and shook her head.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I love you, Jinnie, I do. I want you to get better, I want to help you. Let me help you.” She kissed the tip of my nose again before they pressed to my forehead.

Even with her in front of me, on my lap, comforting me through the panic, I still wished it were him.

“I don’t think you can,” I said, hushed and shaky, meeting her disappointed gaze. “I really, really wish you could. But, I don’t… I don’t think you can, Jade.”

“So, what, Felix is gonna do that?” The name sent a shock through my heart. Her tone switched into something not angry, but entirely mad.

“God, Felix, no, I’m not- I won’t use him for that,” I groaned. “I-”

“Use him?”

“You know what I mean!” It was my turn to raise my voice. Just when I thought this was going to go well.

“Okay, okay,” Jade soothed to my surprise, giving my hands a squeeze. Maybe this will finish smoothly. Her eyes were still swimming with hope, looking at me like I was her everything. It hurt.

“I just, I feel so confused,” I whispered. Lowering her brows, she questioned me with a tilt of her head. “How are you still here?”

Now her eyes were wild. “What the fuck do you mean?”

“Minho, Jade.” My tone turned vile. “I’m talking about Minho.”

She gulped. I watched her physically react to his name, much like I reacted to Felix’s. “What… What about him?”

Licking my lips, I shook my head as more tears welled up in my eyes. “I think you like him,” I forced out of my mouth for the first time.

“Jinnie,” she sighed, exasperated. She let go of my hands and cupped my cheeks once more, touching the tip of her nose to mine. “I like you, I love you.” Her eyes fluttered shut. “Minho is a friend, that’s it. I don’t like him, I don’t want him. He is just a friend.” She backed away and looked down at me with an unconvincing smile. “I’m sorry if I did anything to make you question my loyalty. He’s a friend, that’s it. I love you. I love you so much.”

Her words went in one ear and out the other. The more she added on, the more sap she piled on top almost made me wish she had just admitted it.

Thinning my lips into a line, I shook my head. “Why are you still with me?”

She hesitated. “Because I love you.”

“There’s gotta be more, that’s not enough,” I choked. “I don’t… I don’t believe you.”

“Do you remember the first time we met?” Jade asked, narrowing her eyes. I nodded. I remember it all, I could recite it word for word. It was about a month before I met Felix. “I walked into Haven with Chan, thinking I would drink myself silly, or find a meaningless hook up. Instead I found you.” She paused for a second to take in my expression that didn’t change.

“Yeah,” I muttered, giving her very little to go off of.

One of her hands ran through my hair, twisting the ends around a finger. “You seemed so cool, so funny. We were laughing, even Chan was having fun. We fed off of each other, our energy… I was hooked from day one, Jinnie.” She sighed, then gave the skin of my cheek a squeeze. “Plus, who can resist this face.”

Not many, I wanted to say, but I kept it to myself. I’m not even sure she realized what she was saying.

“You’re so beautiful, Jinnie,” she whispered. “It drives me crazy.” Typical.

“That’s why you’re still with me, because I’m beautiful,” I said. “That’s cute.”

Jade frowned. “Jinnie, I’m-”

“I know,” I closed my eyes. “You love me.” I listened to her take a deep breath. “Jade,” I opened my eyes and looked up at her. “I love you too, but this is actually driving me crazy. How are you not as exhausted as me?”

She opened her mouth twice to speak, but nothing came out. She simply shook her head.

“Just say it, you like him.”

She groaned. “I don’t.”

“Don’t lie to my face, I’m always honest with you, you can tell me,” I said. My eyes narrowed, studying the way she moved. “You like Minho.”

“And you like Felix,” she said.

“I do,” I nodded, and she scoffed. “Your turn, admit it.”

She jumped off of me and flipped her hair over her shoulder. “You’re unbelievable.” Lifting my hands out at my sides, I so badly wanted to crumble into pieces at her feet, but she was lying to me.

I wasn’t going to let her see me this vulnerable again, not until she admitted it.

“I’m honest,” I shouted after her as she stormed away to the bedroom.

One of her manicured hands gripped the corner of the wall as she pulled herself back to shout back at me. “You certainly aren’t loyal.”

Felix’s hands clamped to my waist, his fingers gripping my shirt as if to keep him on his feet. His big brown eyes were half closed, relaxed while his body swayed to the beat of the music pouring out of the speakers over top of us. The dance floor, crowded with bodies of humans who shot us occasional glances, had never been this packed. At least not that I’ve ever experienced.

Holding Felix up, my arms around his back, I shrugged off the glares, trying to not even give anyone else the time of day. Felix was hanging on to me, drunker than I’d ever seen him, my attention was his, I had to keep him safe, that was the priority of the night.

That, and catching Jade in a lie.

It was almost two weeks ago now that she refused to admit her true feelings. True feelings every single one of us knew that she had. After our spat in the kitchen, after I’d broken down to her and finally admitted it all, she still wouldn’t give in.

For a week, she tried to keep things normal, she’d ask me about work, ask me if I’d be around. She invited me to Haven when she’d go, and she told me her work schedule for the week. It was as normal as the last few weeks have been. As normal as we seemed to be recently. Though she came home later, and a few nights wouldn’t come home at all.

By the time the second week came around I knew it was over. It had to be over. Spending most of my time either at work or with Felix, the two of us just spending time together, I barely saw or heard from her. At some point in the middle I’d gone three whole days without seeing her. Felix was able to come around the apartment and I didn’t have to stress about her coming home to find him there.

We spent a lot of time talking the past two weeks, Felix and I. He told me more about his family, and he heard a helluva lot about Jade. Makes me wonder if that’s why he was so attached to me at the moment, not caring that everyone we knew was in the same room. Not caring that I came with Jade tonight, I drove us here. The ride was suffocating, entirely silent and awkward, Jade applying that mauve lipstick in the side mirror the moment we pulled into the lot.

Felix had come with Changbin, the two arriving after their day at work, Felix still wearing a pale blue button down and a pair of dark denim jeans. A silver chain peeked out of the collar, and now that his chest was pressed to mine it glimmered over his heart, the top three buttons of his shirt somehow coming undone in the last couple of hours.

His blonde hair was unruly, nothing like it had been when he’d gotten here, drunk Felix messed it all up. I’m not sure sober Felix would approve of drunk Felix’s doings, considering he hasn’t made another move on me since we shared a kiss some time ago and here he was gyrating his hips into mine.

There wasn’t an ounce of my being that was bothered by it, I mean, the hottest guy I’d ever met was throwing himself at me, his hands dragging all over my body, his half conscious self dancing against me like he wanted me naked, and my relationship that wasn’t even a relationship hasn’t been a relationship in weeks. She had stopped giving me anything. It was over. It had to be.

“Are you having fun?” Felix asked me, pulling me out of my thoughts. Even in his state he was able to clock me. His hands slid up my back, his chest laying flush to mine.

Nodding, I blinked and looked down at him with a small smile. “Yeah,” I said without much infliction.

A pout found his full lips, one that taunted me. “You’re a liar.”

“You’re drunk,” I said, allowing myself to laugh.

Felix laughed with me, his head falling forward onto my shoulder. “I am.” His voice was gentle among the slurs. “I’m sorry.”

Taking a hand behind his head I guided him back up by threading my fingers in his hair, catching him as his head lolled backward. We shared another laugh. “Don’t apologize.”

“But, I-”

“No,” I shook my head, dragging my fingers over his scalp.

“You haven’t had anything to drink,” he breathed, regaining his own strength, standing up on his own.

Pressing my lips together, I sighed. He was right, since I’d been here I hadn’t had anything to drink, not even something that didn’t have alcohol. As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t. Tonight was about catching Jade doing something I’d be doing instead. Something I was… already doing. Alcohol would get in the way. I had to be sober to make sure what I was seeing was real.

“I don’t need a drink,” I shrugged. Part of me wanted to tell him that I also wasn’t going to drink because he was trashed. Not that that has stopped me before, friends being drunk didn’t mean I couldn’t get drunk, but that’s how it would go. I knew if I drank, I’d do it till I was plastered, and for some reason Felix was preventing it.

Batting his eyelashes he smiled. “That’s so grown up of you,” he said, leaning into me. “I thought you’d drink when you told me you were coming here.” Lowering my brows I smiled to keep him talking. “With everything happening, yanno?” I nodded. He rolled his body against mine. “You drink to avoid it all, don’t you?” If his hands didn’t slip around my front and draw up and down my chest I think his words would’ve stung more than he intended to. “I wanna make you forget everything.”

My breath hitched in my throat as one of his hands slipped lower, between my legs. “Felix,” I breathed with a slight shake of my head. “You’re drunk, hang on.”

Reaching for his wrists, he only giggled and snatched mine. He pulled my arms around his shoulders and put his around my back where they started. A smirk rested on his lips as he closed the space between us, sliding a knee between my legs, satisfied with the way it made my lips pop open and my body tense up. Grinding his hips against my thigh, he was half hard, I could feel it.

Tipping my head back, I let out a sigh. “Felix, calm down, you’re-”

“Drunk, I know,” he said, his tone suddenly somewhat harsh. Exchanging a look with him, his eyes softened. “Just dance with me.”

“Okay,” I whispered, allowing my body to fall in time with him. The grin that met his lips was priceless.

His fingers slipped into my hair, gently tugging at the length that brushed over my shoulders. I didn’t bother pulling it up tonight, most times it bothered me to have it in a tie. As his hands delved further into the strands I was thanking whichever god that I didn’t tie it back. His touch was intoxicating, crazy to think I ever needed to drink to have this type of electricity run through me.

Pushing my body into his, feeling out how this was going to go, knowing that everyone was in the room somewhere, Felix bit down on his bottom lip. It was exhilarating to watch him let go, to feel him harboring not one single care of where he was, who he was with, or where he was. Over the past two weeks, having broken the ice some more, having gotten through that ‘always happy!’ shell of his, he deserved a night like tonight.

Hanging onto me, grinding against me, brushing his nose over mine as his parted lips ghosted my own, he couldn’t give two shits who shot a disapproving glare his way. Our way. It was empowering, the energy began to affect me, my anxieties for the night dissipating even if it were only for a few minutes.

It was me and Felix.

That was it.

I finally felt like myself. A warmth began growing beneath my ribs, within me, in a place that’s normally cold, empty. It spread to my chest, my heart rate rising slightly as I smiled with Felix, my hands grasping him tighter, keeping him close.

Singing along to the music, a pop song I’d never heard before, Felix sang to me. The girl's voice was singing about love, or being in love, with somebody she didn’t have, someone she wanted to have. He was singing to me, drunk or not, the fantasy he and the girl sang about was me. And he was mine.

“Mariah Carey,” Felix blurted out, grabbing handfuls of my face, squeezing the fat of my cheeks. “I know one woman.”

Laughing, I nudged his nose with mine and shook my head. “Proud of you.” I smiled.

“When I close my eyes, you come and you take me…” Felix ran his hands down my chest, pressing a finger over my heart. Dropping his head backward, he bounced on his knees and laughed as I scrambled to catch him, thinking he was falling. “Sweet, sweet fantasy baby…” He spun around in my arms being sure to bump his ass into my hips before he came all the way around. When he met my eyes with a devilish little grin, he couldn’t help but laugh at the way I sarcastically scowled.

“Felix.” Tone a bit sharp, I gave him a look and he collapsed head first into my chest.

“I know, I know, I know,” he rambled. “I can’t help it, I’m sorry.” His accent truly was sweet music to my ears. There wasn’t any way I could actually be upset with him. “You’re the first one I actually believe.”

My heart sank to my knees. Folding my arms over his back, keeping him rocking side to side to a new song, I placed my chin over his blonde hair and took a deep breath.

You’re the first one I actually believe.

Open about who he was, Felix didn’t give two shits if anyone knew he was gay. He’s been out since he was fifteen, it’s been years of growing thick skin and learning to be unbothered by people like Minho and Han. It’d just be entirely different if it had been his choice to be out since he was fifteen. Some of the things I’d learnt the last fourteen days.

Felix attended an all boys school when he was young, when he started high school. Growing up he knew he wasn’t like everyone else, he wasn’t like his father, he wasn’t like the other men in his family, nor did he feel like his friends when they’d talk about girls that they liked. He played pretend, he said he liked girls, he had a girlfriend he’d only shared some kisses with, but he’d never be able to do anything else because, well, his body didn’t want to.

It happened his sophomore year. Confiding in his closest friend, his best friend, he asked for help. A summer night, like one that lived within Felix’s heart, he and his best friend attempted to figure out what was wrong, what stopped him from experiencing what his friends were experiencing. In his bedroom all night long, they talked about it, they watched the tapes, looked at the magazines, and he was bored. His friend clocked it first, when Pamela Anderson was on the receiving end of a cringe. He pressed his lips to Felix’s neck, and it was game over.

They spent that night, and many nights together. Hiding any feelings they may have had for one another, his friend having them long before Felix did, the reason he had kissed him in the first place, they kept their little secret to themselves. Sneaking off at parties, drunk on whatever the older boys smuggled inside, it was at one of them that it happened. A mutual friend found them in an upstairs bathroom, where it was dark, where not many of the boys came around, and saw Felix’s hand down the front of his best friend's jeans.

Naturally, his friend pushed him away, shattering Felix’s heart, the cracks filling up quickly with shame and guilt, but more fear than ever. There wasn’t anything he could say to defend himself, not when both boys started shouting horrible things at him, no matter if one of them was still sporting a hardon or not.

His dad picked him up that night. Felix managed to call him after his secret spread through the party in record time and he was shunned by every boy in the house. That was the night he came out to his father, in the car, still a little drunk. He was fifteen, he was gay, and he was entirely heart broken. Over time the bullying got so bad he had to switch schools, attending a different high school for his junior and senior years. He patched himself up from what had happened to him, but that didn’t stop the struggle of the years that followed, having to put up with men who weren’t sure if they were like him or not, wasting his time, using him to figure themselves out. One heartbreak after the next…

Did it terrify me that he clearly had feelings for me? Of course. Here he was, draped all over the boy who’d fuck anything that walked, knowing that I knew what he’d been through, knowing what I was, how I was, and he didn’t have a care. Though I knew, deep down, there was no way in hell I could, or should, or would cause this boy an ounce of pain. I wouldn’t let him do anything he’d regret in this state.

Besides, other than keeping my eye on him, I had another task on hand.

Spinning Felix and I around, that task was glaring at me from where she sat at the bar.

“Christ,” I muttered.

Felix nuzzled his cheek against mine and giggled. “What?”

Lowering my brows, I narrowed my eyes and sent her glare straight back. The way her arms were crossed and her chin was tipped down, like she was analyzing the two of us was entirely belittling. She wasn’t judging us because we were two guys, that much I knew. Unlike the boy she won’t admit she likes, Jade isn’t an asshole. She’s just complicated.

“It’s Jade,” I said to him, keeping my lips close to his ear. His groan, that he wouldn’t have made so audible if he wasn’t trashed, made me somewhat smirk. “She’s watching us. It’s been so long now, I don’t know why she still cares. I told her the truth. This is the truth. Why is she still holding onto this?”

Felix looked up at me and pouted. “I’m the truth?”

Meeting his eyes I smiled. “We are. Lix, I told you this. I’m not with her, I can’t be. Not with what you’ve done to me.” My words fell on drunk ears, and that somehow made it easier for me to speak them. He wasn’t sober, he couldn’t therapeutically analyze me. Not accurately at least.

“What have I done to you?” Felix whispered, his wide eyes falling on my lips.

Inhaling, I pushed my lips to the shell of his ear and sighed, feeling him melt into me. “Everything. Just keep dancing.”

When I glanced toward the bar again with a sigh of relief that Felix started singing along to the music once more, my stomach flipped over. Blood running cold at the sight of the man with silvery hair staring at me while Jade stared at him. As over it as I was, it didn’t mean it didn’t bother me seeing the two of them together.

Here we go, I thought. Catch her in a lie.

They did nothing more than speak. Frustratingly, they only shared words.

If they did anything else, I missed it. By the time they were looking at each other, a man taller than myself bumped into Felix’s back, knocking us both off our feet for a moment, turning my focus away from the bar.

“Hey, watch it,” I said. Felix’s hands gripped my shirt, keeping his balance by leaning on me.

The man was older, possibly ten or so years older than us. His bright blue eyes met mine, piercing through my hardened exterior. Slicked back dirty blonde hair with a curl laying over the left side of his forehead, he was handsome, and he was built. Definitely some sort of jock. Somebody we definitely shouldn’t bother with unless we wanted our asses kicked.

Dressed in his dark blue collared shirt accenting his wide shoulders, and his tighter denim jeans, he gave Felix and I a once over and scoffed before he strutted away with a roll of his eyes.

“Jerk,” I mumbled, and Felix put a finger over my lips.

“Stop,” he said, giving me a look. Could’ve sworn for a second the interaction had sobered him up, but then he tugged at my bottom lip gently with his fingertip and that idea was thrown out into the shitty parking lot. “I wanna kiss you so bad.”

“No, you don’t,” I sighed, tightening my gaze. “That’s the alcohol talking.”

“Drunk words are sober-”

“Felix!” I attempted to reprimand him, but a laugh came out along with it, making him laugh as well. His head tipped backward, his laughter filling the space, warming my heart. “You have to calm down. When you’re sober we’ll talk about this.”

Obliging to my request with a funny whine, he went back to dancing, minding his business, while I pointed my attention to the bar. The beat up wooden slab was now vacant where Jade and Minho once sat, short empty shot glasses left in their wake. They were gone, they were drinking, and I didn’t get to see where they’d escaped to.

Without thinking I started for the bar, Felix being dragged along with me, his feet stumbling beneath him, giggling as he tried to keep up. Dina was working tonight, the blonde curly haired blue eyed bartender I’d met a few weeks ago, the one who told me she was… On my side. She saw me coming, posting up where Jade and Minho had been sitting with her elbows perched on the wood.

“Hi, boys,” she shot Felix a smile, one that turned into a smirk as she focused her attention on me. Situating Felix on one of the stools, I wrapped an arm around his back to keep him upright. “What can I do for ya’?”

Sighing, I rolled my eyes, at myself, and cleared my throat. “Where’d they go?” Felix laid his head back on my chest, his eyes closing. One of his hands ran up my thigh, making me jump. Grabbing onto it, I yanked it away and he laughed.

Dina, withholding her own laugh, shrugged. “If you’re talkin’ about Jade and Minho, I have no idea. That girl barely gives me the time of day whenever she’s here. Shitty tipper, too.”

“Sorry,” I grumbled, shaking my head. Glancing around the room briefly before I focused back on Dina, the two were completely out of sight.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault,” she said. “She fits right in with those assholes who have money.” I rolled my eyes again, this time in agreement. “Don’t know why they all stick around here, in Soro. They belong with the snobs in Tamoe. Why you worried about them anyway?” She gestured to Felix with a simple look, returning it to me.

I’m not sure why it was so humiliating to admit. “I’m trying to see if she’s lying to me.”

Dina, pressing her lips into a line, leaned forward on the bar and parroted, “Trying to see if she’s lying to me.”

It sounded so much worse coming from her mouth considering Felix was glassy eyed and laid up on me with his fingers toying with the silver chain around my neck. “I told you this last week, we’re done, me and Jade.”

“Then, again, why you worried about them?” Dina cocked her head sideways, her blonde curls falling behind her shoulders. “Seems to me you got everything you want right here. Let the rest go.”

If only it were that simple.

I had to prove a point. I had to catch her. I had to see it for myself, that I’m not as shitty as everyone makes me out to be. That every single one of us is playing the same game. A game I never intended on becoming a pawn in. A game I wanted out of, a game I was sick of. Something I wouldn’t allow to happen to Felix and I. It was done, the cycle was done.

But, Christ, it was exhausting.

Dina was right. I had everything I wanted gazing up at me, touching me, saying he wanted me too, and here I was worried about a past I wanted to let go of.

Make it make sense.

“Come on, Lix,” I breathed, hooking my arm underneath his, pulling him off the stool. Not giving Dina a proper goodbye, I didn’t look back. My focus was forward, I needed to find them.

She was me. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t making it all up in my head.

“Wait, wait,” Felix muttered, trying to pull me back. He got me to pause, my brain only stopping for him, and when I looked at him, his brows were all twisted. “Are we going to Changbin? To find Changbin?”

Pulling my lips into a frown, I nodded. Changbin. A friend I’d been neglecting these past few weeks. “We are,” I said. “I’m sorry, Lix, I just need to find Minho and Jade.”

Holding my arms, Felix blinked a few times and tilted his head to the side. “I know,” he said after a second, “I just don’t want you to go near Changbin.” It was my eyebrows turn to go all twisted. Felix placed a hand to my chest and leaned into my ear. “He doesn’t say nice things about you, Hyunjin.”

Drunk words are sober thoughts.

How long had he been holding this in?

“What are you talking about?”

Felix pouted. “Recently, I mean. Whenever he’s around the others he doesn’t defend you, and it’s sad. It makes me sad.”

My lips parted, half shocked. His words take me back to a time before I knew him, really knew him. When I once thought that this friend group of ours would break, and we’d all be forced apart, forced to choose sides. Changbin was always on my side when the thought would occur. It wasn’t a second thought that the friend I’d had since before we were in college would have my back, stick by my side.

“Why, uh, why haven’t you… told me this before?” I asked, watching Felix’s inner turmoil take over.

“It’s only started recently,” he whined, brows flipping upward. “I promise, he hasn’t always been like this. Think it’s jus’ because of what’s happening right now.”

Nodding, taking a hand to his cheek to soothe him and his rambling, I said, “Okay, okay, it’s okay.” Felix’s pout relaxed, his eyes flickering between both of mine. “Do you defend me around the others?”

“I’m barely around the others,” he answered fast, entirely honest. “I don’t get a word in when I am, they don’t let me talk. They don’t… talk to me.”

After a gulp and a drag of my fingers over his cheekbone, I mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

His hand latched onto mine. “It’s not your fault. They could just leave you alone.”

They can't leave me alone. They can’t leave me alone because I can’t leave them alone. They’d bother me until the moment I let them go, and though I wished that day would come soon, I couldn’t let go.

“I’ll deal with Changbin later, okay?” I nodded my head, making him nod along with me. Little blonde pieces of hair caressed his forehead, right over his warm brown eyes. Brushing them away, I tried to smile. “Let’s just go talk to them for a second.”

At the high top tables toward the back corner of Haven, three boys sat around the beaten up wood with glasses littered across the top. Felix and I were approaching without knowing how much any of them had drunk this far into the night. My hopes were set on a shit ton, especially with the way Felix clung to me. Silently I prayed that in their own drunk blurriness Felix’s would go unnoticed.

His words lived in the back of my mind as I put my mission for the night back to the forefront, the Changbin thing he brought up. As we walked up to the table, it was a shock to see him sitting beside Chan, nudging him with his elbow while they laughed. They looked like natural friends, like they’d been buddies for years. Changbin had never warmed up to Chan like this, this was the first time I’ve seen them this way.

“Look out, boys.” The boy with the voice that drove pins into my skin every time. Han Jisung, nestled in his chair right next to Changbin. All three of them straightened up, their stares falling over Felix and I as I took up space next to Chan, the Aussie raising a brow.

Knowing he had to have been taking in Felix’s state, I sighed and tried to keep my voice as low as possible, my eyes on Chan’s and Chan’s only. “This is going to sound weird.”

He furrowed both brows. “I don’t know if I want you to finish then.”

“Please,” I nearly whispered, maintaining face. Chan glanced toward Han who snickered, boiling my blood. “I’m just looking for Jade, do you know where she went?”

“Why should I tell you?” Chan asked, shifting in his seat to face me. Though I was much taller, Chan was much wider, more muscular. “I do know where she went, but do you think you deserve to know?”

Felix, clinging to my waist from behind, tried to speak up. Shushing him in a messy rush of a glance behind me, Han snickered again and I longed to reach across the table to lay my hand across his cheek. Facing Chan once more, placing a hand to the back of his chair, I dug my nails into the wood and pressed my lips together.

“You and I both know who she’s with,” I muttered, venom in my eyes. Chan’s strong stance faltered the slightest. A consequence of being a good man. “You and I both know that I am not the only one causing problems here.” A quick glance to Changbin, he was focused on his glass. “She’s had the choice to leave me. Why am I made out to be the bad guy?”

“Uh,” Han stammered theatrically, lifting his glass before he took a decent swig. “Because you are, Hyunjin.” Smacking his lips together, the cup hit the table with a bang, then he pointed a finger my way. “You always have been. You always will be. And, not just to Jade, to us, too.” Changbin didn’t move an inch. My stomach roiled in discomfort. “I mean, look at what you’ve done just walking over here, we were having so much fun and you and your dark depressive cloud shit all over us.”

My fingertips went numb, the pins and needles springing to life.

“What the fuck, Han?” Felix spat, loosening his grip around me, leaning into the table. I didn’t even have the strength within me to pull him back.

“You’ll feel it, too,” Han winked at the blonde. “Eventually. He gets them all, always. No matter what.” Pins and needles shot up through my arms, into my shoulders, invading my chest.

“You arrogant asshole.” Felix’s accent made the words sound effortless, so regal, yet with so much more emphasis. “You’re such a sad excuse for a friend.” Everyone, including myself, shocked to hear him speak this way, as Felix hasn’t had anything not nice to say, ever, watched him calmly throw these words at the boy across the table. “Riding the tail end of your fathers success, you’ve never once understood what it’s like to struggle. He’s handed everything to you, you’ve gotten everything you’ve ever wanted, that’s not a good fucking look. Nepotism at its fucking finest.”

Han threw his head backward with a singular laugh. “Ugh, Felix, you’re so right! I’ve inherited almost everything. The job, the money, the success, and it’s all thanks to my father.” He shot me a degrading look. “What’d yours give you, Jinnie?”

“You’re disgusting, Han Jisung,” Felix said. Feeling his fingers tighten around me, somewhere, he helped ease the anxiety bubbling in my gut.

That is until Han crooned, “Brave coming from you, gay boy.”

That word.

That word that had Chan and Changbin reacting. Both holding up some type of hand, mumbling some type of word toward Han, something I couldn’t hear, something I couldn’t see.

Slinging an arm around Felix’s back, I ushered us toward the bathroom, away from the three of them. The pins and needles were spiking more so than before, spreading up to my face, my lips going numb. Shooting down my legs, into my ankles, it overtook my entire body.

It wasn’t until I was in a bathroom stall, in the quiet, with Felix’s hands around my neck that I was able to come to. His thumbs were wiping beneath my eyes, where tears had fallen.

“Don’t listen to them,” he was whispering, his eyes dancing all over my face. “Don’t let him get to you.” Him. Han.

“He’s right,” I sighed, wanting to wrap my arms around him, instead I kept my hands over my middle.

Felix shook his head. “No, he’s not. Nothing he said, nothing he’s ever said is right.”

Blinking, my tears fell onto his fingers. Shuddering a breath, I cried and shook my head. “What if it happens to you, too?”

My whisper paralyzed him. Brown eyes going wide, thick brows flipping over and pooling into the center of his forehead, Felix whispered, “Whether or not this turns into something more I’ll always care for you, Hyunjin.”

“You’re drunk,” I said, sniffling.

The cutest smile appeared on his lips, his brows still flipped over. “I am drunk,” he whispered, making both of us laugh. “But, shit, I’m having the best night. As selfish as that sounds ‘cause of what’s happening… Hyunjin, I’m having so much fun with you.” My tears ceased, my heart pounding louder between my lungs. “I need you to literally forget everything they’re telling you, everything they’re saying to you, because that isn’t you.”

Poking my tongue out between my lips, I tried to nod. “Even when you’re trashed you’re a good therapist.”

Felix swallowed his grin, dragging his thumbs over my cheeks once more. “That’s not what I’m doing here. You’re not a case for me to fix. I care about you, a lot, and I’ll say it however many times it takes for you to believe me. You’ve got baggage, yes, but we all do. I want to help you ‘cause… I really like you, and I know you’ll help me with mine once yours gets better.”

“I really like you, too, Lix,” I whispered.

Shocked, he moved a centimeter closer, pressing his body against mine. “Thought we weren’t supposed to talk like this.”

Focusing my eyes down on his lips, I breathed through a gentle laugh and gave him a slight shake of my head. “I like you.” Looking into his eyes that were full of hope, I started to smile. “You’re… different. Real.”

Felix sighed, eyes darting between my gaze and my lips. “Is this when I tell you to calm down?” Feeling my body relax itself, I slid both my hands around his waist and held him close. “Can’t even tell you you’re drunk,” he whispered, teasing me with what I’d been telling him on the dance floor.

Tipping my chin, I brushed our noses together and fluttered my eyes shut. His breath through his parted lips danced over my skin, taunting me, drawing me closer. “Tell me to stop,” I whispered.

“Never.” Felix caught my lips with his, his whisper forgotten in the air that expelled from him in a sigh. His lips, plush, so incredibly soft, fitting with mine ever so perfectly. Whether it was because we’d gotten past the we feel things part, or the pressure from the night, this kiss was unlike any other.

Rolling his chest into mine, Felix’s hands slid to my neck, wrapping around the back, keeping me over him. Pressing my fingers into his waist I let them slip underneath his shirt, the smooth skin soft, warm, inviting. He seemed to mold into me, against me, a perfect fit, his smaller frame seeming to click into place with my larger one.

I know I shouldn’t be kissing him, shouldn’t be letting this happen right now. Not while he was intoxicated, and certainly not when I was here for a completely different reason… A reason that didn’t seem to matter anymore. With the way Felix curled into me, my mind wiped. Feeling my skin heat up and my thoughts warping into Felix and Felix only, it had to stop, or it’d go too far.

Taking my hands to his shoulders I tugged him away and smirked at his pout. With swollen lips and shiny eyes he blinked a few times and the tiniest smile pricked onto his freckled face. “I liked that one,” he muttered.

A giggle fell from me. A giggle. “You’re so cute.”

“You’re so hot,” he said with no hesitation.

“Stop,” I eyed him through a smile.

Groaning, Felix let his weight go in my hold and dropped his head backward. “Don’t go back there!”

Catching him, I couldn’t help but giggle again. “Lixie, come on,” I said. “You know we can’t just do that.”

Standing up straight as if he hadn’t ragdolled seconds ago, he furrowed his brows. “Why not?”

“Because…” Pausing to gather reasons why we weren’t allowed to kiss one another, there wasn’t anything I could think up that sounded reasonable enough. Felix took a thumb to my lips and toyed with the bottom one.

Raising a brow, in a low voice, he said, “Thought so.”

“Lix, you’ve been drinking, that’s why.”

Looking up at me, his thumb still on my lip, he pondered to himself for a few moments, then smiled. “I still dream about kissing you like that when I’m sober.”

Sucking in a deep, shaky breath, I attempt to stop him once more, but before the words can come out, the bathroom door is opened and all of the outside noise from Haven interrupts me. Glancing down at our feet, it’d be very easy to tell that we were two men trying to occupy the same spot in a closed bathroom stall. Feeling my blood run cold, especially over the fact that Felix didn’t notice, or care, I maneuvered him off of me, putting an arms length between us.

Felix, milliseconds away from protesting, brows twisting in confusion, a voice from outside the stall cut in first.

“Hyunjin?”

It was Changbin.

Audibly sighing with relief, I threw my head against the plastic wall of the stall and shut my eyes.

“It’s just me, I promise,” he said, keeping his distance from the stall we were in. There were only two in the bathroom anyway, though there was plenty of room for more. Something I’ve brought up to Arnold numerous times.

“We’re in here,” I said, looking down at Felix whose glare could kill, and he was sending it toward me. “What?” I whispered harshly.

“Chan and I, we, uh, we put Han in his place,” Changbin said. I could hear the remorse in his voice. “They might have their issues, but no one should talk like that.”

They. The other side of the friend group he’s seemed to find himself on. Felix’s glare made sense.

“Um,” I stammered, wincing as Felix’s grip tightened on me. “Thanks, I guess. It’s still fucked up.”

“Oh, I know,” Changbin spoke a bit louder, as if to emphasize his point, a habit of his. “It’s fucked up, I mean, Felix, I wouldn’t ever let anyone say that to you, and now… Hyunjin, now that you’re…”

“Not gay,” I muttered. Felix bobbed his head, his eyes glistening with something related to happiness. I couldn’t push the words out, but this was Changbin, I’ve spent my whole life with him. “Just… Really liking… Felix.”

“We’ll work on that,” Felix whispered, smiling at the same time.

“Right,” Changbin said, clearing his throat. “Just want you guys to know I’m on your side.”

Felix switched back to the glare, and I’m suddenly reminded that apparently Changbin has been double teaming us. Taking him under my arm, I unlock the stall and step out, giving my old friend an uneasy onceover. He took into account the way Felix held onto me and the way I clung around him as well.

“You, uh, you and Jade,” Changbin said to me.

Gritting my teeth, I mumbled, “It’s done. It’s been done. The only thing that’s happened between us,” I gestured to Felix with a nod of my head, “While I was with her, was a kiss.”

“That I initiated,” the Aussie said softly. “It wasn’t even his fault.”

Turning my chin, I lowered my brows. “I mean, I wanted to,” I said. “You know that, right? I kissed you back, it wasn’t a-”

Felix took a hand to my chin with a flattened smile and turned me back to Changbin who watched with the ghost of a smile.

“You’ve got him, don’t you?” Changbin asked Felix, who answered with a blush of his freckled cheeks. Focusing back on me, a new amusement in his eyes, Changbin asked, “Why the interest in Jade still?”

Felix scoffed. “His mission.”

Changbin laughed. “His mission?”

Able to set aside his tiff about Changbin at my expense, Felix laughed with him, even more so as I lifted a hand in defense.

“You know why I am,” I shot a glare at Felix, lifting it to Changbin who crossed his arms and leaned against one of the sinks. Felix placed a hand to my chest, assuring me it was jokes. “Bin, you all… They all think that I’m the only bad guy here.”

Changbin nodded, his eyes shifting into his analyzing ones. A look he somewhat shared with Felix when their therapist was turned on. “Accountability, huh.” Sharing a look with Felix, he perked a brow. “You’ve done a shit ton in such a short time.”

Felix swallowed a smile, tapping my chest one more time. “Wasn’t me, it was all him.”

Unsure of what they were talking about, I swapped my attention between the two psychoanalyzers and narrowed my glare. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I know what I’ve done, okay? I fucked up, a lot. I’m not saying I deserve to get off scot free…” Pausing, I glanced at Felix. “Think that’s why I won’t let you kiss me.”

Felix wore the amusement Changbin once did. “I did kiss you. Twice. For a long time.”

“Whatever,” I squeezed my eyes shut, brushing it all away while Changbin laughed.

“Punishing yourself, or trying to,” he said, nodding. “You’ve put yourself in timeout. Or… you’ve tried to.” Changbin winked at Felix. “You’re a naughty boy. You see what he’s been trying to do.”

“He doesn't deserve punishment,” Felix whispered, and Changbin half agreed.

“This doesn’t explain why you need to know where Jade is,” Changbin began to question. “Or, as you said before, Jade and Minho. You’re standing here with Felix, what’s the difference if she’s with Minho?”

That nausea roiled within me. The Jade and Minho nausea had the possibility to rip me apart from the inside out.

“Because,” I began, tone low and shaking. “I’ve owned up to my fuckery. And though there may be more than she’s got, she won’t own up to hers. You’ve all watched it happen. I know you’ve seen it, right?” The way his gaze dropped told me everything. “Exactly. So, why am I the one getting all the piss?” Both boys were silent. “I haven’t witnessed anything. Tonight I intended to catch her in her lies. She tells me she has no interest in him. She tells me all this time she’s only wanted me, and nothing but me.” Laughing aloud, a singular sound startling both men, I said, “You’ve seen how I’ve been, who wants that and only that!?”

Felix stirred beside me. “I do.” His voice was quiet, small.

Looking down at him and his wide shining eyes, my heart swelled.

“You’re different,” I whispered. “You don't belong with these shitheads.”

It was quiet for a moment longer, Felix and I sharing words in the silence until Changbin spoke up, sending my heart plummeting through the tile.

“She and Minho left not too long ago.”

I won.

I don’t care what any lowlife has to say about me. Not anymore.

Because I won.

Jade sat across the kitchen table from me, red hot with rage, and I won.

It’d been two hours since I drove Felix home, leaving him with a kiss on the forehead, making sure he made it into his front door before driving away. Surprisingly calm, despite the anger sitting in my gut, I was more entertained than anything. It happened, I caught her. She and Minho spilled out of the backseat of his car, unaware that anyone would be there to catch them. Thinking they could trust the friends who sat around the wooden tables of Haven, not knowing one had been keeping tabs for my sake.

My friend. The one I’d always known was my friend. A friend I’d have to make apologize to Felix, getting them past the co-workers boundary.

I had been right the entire time. The delusions that haunted me in the middle of the night, the thoughts that would creep into my subconscious at the worst times, they were all right. Every single one. I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t the only bad guy.

And I’d get her to say it.

“You were my girlfriend when I fucked Jennie,” I shrugged. Her eyes went wild.

“That hurt,” she spat. “Fuck you.”

“Fuck you!” I shot back, half in disbelief she’d throw the words around. She’s heard this before. It wasn’t the first time.

Dragging her hands through her hair to over her eyes, she rubbed the sleep away and sighed, placing her hands on her knees. Avoiding my eyes, she stared down at the table.

“I think… I think I should go,” she said, flickering her eyes up to catch my gaze. “Don’t look at me like that.”

“Like what?” I whispered.

“Like… like you’re sad,” she said, shaking her head. The front was working. “You don’t hold an ounce of empathy for me when you go frolicking down the streets to pick up the next conventionally attractive person, and take them somewhere to hook up.”

Maintaining face, I kept my lips ironed shut, and my argument from weeks prior resurfaced. She’s had so many opportunities to leave, opportunities to break things off with me. I had been open, honest, everything she could possibly need. I showed her who I was, or, what I had been. Unhappy. She chose, she made her choices, and I’m the villain.

“Some of them, we’re friends with, Hyunjin. So, yes. This relationship was over two weeks ago when you drove me to crazy town, to the point of no return.” My eyes were laser focused on hers. “You know, in a way, it’s like you pushed me right into his arms.”

“Oh, that’s rich,” I said, and she huffed a laugh. “Could I say the same about Felix? That you pushed me right into his arms?” Jade sat back and folded her arms over her chest. “You know I can’t, because I fought, and tried to make this work.”

“Did you?” Her snicker burrowed its way beneath my skin. “Sleeping with everything that walks by you is trying to make this work?”

My tone packed a punch. “You’ve been emotionally fucking with Minho this entire time, don’t even try to deny that! Though I know you will. You love him, and you’ll tell me that you don’t. Go ahead,” leaning forward, I plastered a fake smile to my lips, “Tell me you don’t love him. I wanna hear you say it again.”

She’s quiet, her mind working overtime at this ungodly hour of the morning. “Tell me you don’t love Felix.”

“I’ve spoken my truth about him, I always have, and I always will. I don’t know if I love him, it’s so new, but I can tell you I like him, a lot.” Pressing my lips together, I shook my head. “You deflecting the question tells me everything I need to know. You love him.”

“I do,” she whispered, and the words had me washed with fury, yet incredible release. The look in her eyes, full of a sorrow I couldn’t place. “I love him,” she whispered, taking in the shock that filled the cracks of my hardened expression. “But, I still love you.”

She left moments after the confession. Leaving me at the kitchen table, a nail shoved between my teeth, she gathered a bag, filling it with some of her clothes from our… my bedroom. The words had been spoken. Whatever was going on between us was over, and we both agreed that it had happened two weeks ago.

I asked her if she needed a ride to wherever she needed to go, and she gave me a sheepish look, telling me that Minho was downstairs waiting for her. She didn’t stick around long enough to see the amusement light up in my eyes, she was out the door seconds after telling me. Though once the door was shut I collapsed onto the kitchen table, clasping my arms around my head with a scream that should have the neighbors knocking.

It was real. All of it. The cheating, on both ends, the shared feelings, the mutual pining for others, the emotional distress, the love we had for one another, it was all real. The hell was finally over, the misery, the weight that clung to me and kept me in such a horrible place, it was done. Out of my life. I could move on.

I was free, and it hurt.

It hurt so goddamn bad.

Pushing my chair out from under me with a force, it collided with the wall behind it. Feeling shaky on my legs, I took myself into the kitchen, the lightheadedness hitting me harder than I thought it would.

Gripping the kitchen counter leaning forward onto it, I pressed my forehead to my arms sucking in shallow breaths. The cabinet that stared back at me was tempting. It called for me, it wanted me to open it. Everything inside of it could fix what I was feeling, it has before. Snatching one of the handles, my head lobbing onto the counter, I white knuckled the brass and longed to throw it open. Any one of the glass bottles on the shelves inside called my name, a sweet, sweet siren song.

But, all at once, another overpowered it. A deeper, happier, beautiful song that mimicked a laugh, bringing me to my senses.

Letting the handle go, I stumbled backward, pressing a hand to my brow and the hair that laid there, moist from my sweat. Coming to, like I’d been in a trance, an anxiety induced trance, I snatched my car keys from the counter, bounded out of my door, locking it behind me, and I got into my car and drove.

Following a familiar path I drove until I pulled into a driveway beside a grey Nissan, one I’d fix up one day, whether he’d let me or not. Slamming my door shut, I hurried up the walkway and rounded the house to the backdoor, where I was no more than three hours ago. Lifting the mat beneath the door I took the key and managed to get myself inside, popping right into the kitchen where he stood in a different t-shirt and boxer shorts.

With a glass of water in his hand he spun around in surprise as I wiggled the old door open, and he half smiled after it shut behind me.

“Hi,” he said, setting his glass down on the tan counters. Taking in my state, he took a step closer, but I stopped him by moving closer on my own. “Think I almost blacked out,” he laughed that laugh, and I almost fell to my knees. “You got me here?”

Nodding, I whispered, “Yeah,” still tiptoeing closer to him.

“Thanks,” Felix smiled. “I just tried calling you, I-”

Catching up to him, he didn’t have the time to finish speaking his peace. Wrapping my arms around him, I closed the space and kissed him with the ferocity he was begging for on the dance floor. Lasting about a minute, Felix melting into my hold, I pulled myself away and pressed my forehead to his.

“You drank something, you had water,” I half asked, looking into his eyes for confirmation. His stunned nod was answer enough, but he kept going.

“I did, a lot,” he whispered, focused on my lips. “I ate, too. Did you? Do you want something, I’ve got-”

Grabbing him by the waist, lifting him onto the counter, the whine that escaped him ripped my being in two. His arms slung around my shoulders, keeping my forehead over top of his while my hands tugged at the elastic band of his shorts.

“That’s not what I want,” I pushed from my lips in a whisper, nipping at his bottom lip before dropping to my knees.

Sunlight leaked through the shades, early morning sunlight, meaning I hadn’t been asleep for very long. Stretching my legs out over the mattress, blinking my eyes open to the pastel yellow walls home to photographs of people I didn’t know, my heart sprung out of my chest for all of two seconds until a pair of plush lips pressed a kiss to my collarbone. Turning my chin, ruffled blonde waves tickled my chin.

Felix, on top of the sheets with nothing but shorts on, smiled up at me, only his lips turning up, hiding a plethora of secrets behind them.

“Hi,” I attempted to say, my morning voice rough. Felix bit his bottom lip and tilted his head.

“Hi,” he whispered. “How do you feel?”

Sitting up to my elbows, I squinted in the light. “Shouldn’t I, uh… Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?”

Felix smiled again, this one larger than the last, full of amusement. “I’m fantastic, but I’ve done this before, and it doesn’t matter who does who, it’s still proper to check in, Hyunjin.”

Flopping back on the sheets I covered my face with my hands and sighed, the end coming out with a laugh. Flustered beyond belief, I reached out a hand to cup his cheek, giving him a smile. “I felt like…”

Felix bobbed his head, melting into my touch. “Tell me, tell me everything.”

The light in his eyes was spectacular. He cared. This was… normal, talking about this. It wasn’t just a moment that’d never be spoken of again like all of my experiences had been, it meant something, it was supposed to mean something.

“I felt… like a virgin,” I said, and he laughed softly when I did.

“So did I,” he admitted, moving his chin to press a kiss to my wrist.

Shooting him a look, I narrowed my eyes and he laughed again.

“I’ve only been with four people,” he said. “One of them was female, I had to try it.” More laughter. He reached for my other hand and laced his fingers within mine. “You make five. The other guys I’ve been with have… They were more experienced than I was, so I followed their lead. I dated one of them for a while, but it doesn’t matter.”

“Was he older?” I asked, shocking myself with how the words just seemed to slip out.

Felix pursed his lips and nodded.

“How much older?”

His smirk was devious. “You’re a curious fucker this morning aren’t you?” Scooting closer to me, he buried me with kisses and giggles for a few seconds before he pulled away and sighed. “Much older.”

“Do I know him?” I asked just to mess with him, grinning wide as a disgruntled shout fell from his smiling lips.

“You most certainly do not!” Felix’s eyes shot open wide. “If you did I think he’d eat you alive, so let’s be grateful he lives many, many hours away. All the way past Delo.”

With a breath, I drug my fingers through his hair and accepted his answer as final. I’d be able to get it out of him with time, if he was going to give me any more of his time after this.

“Sorry I showed up unannounced.” The air grew quiet, the only sound heard was that of the birds outside his windows. “I didn’t know what else to do. Didn’t know where else to go.”

Dropping his head to my bare chest, where I now realize I’m completely naked beneath his sheets, he smiled up at me. “Don’t apologize. I’m happy you came.”

“Me too.” Winking at him, Felix swatted at me and sat up with a horrible laugh. Following him, I sat up as well, bunching the sheets up in my lap. Trying to not turn red as he ogled my bare chest, I caught him off guard with, “You have to teach me.”

Wide eyes shot up at me. “W-what? Teach you what?”

“Blow jobs,” I said, completely serious. The boisterous laugh that came out of him wasn’t condescending in the slightest, and in fact made me happy to hear I could amuse him with my ignorance. “I mean it, teach me. I think I… I just tried to do what I think I like to feel, yanno?” Scooting closer to him, our knees bumped. “But, what if you didn’t like that? What if I did something that was weird to you, or didn’t feel good, or it-”

He cut me off, grabbing each side of my face with his hands. “Hyunjin,” he spoke softly. “Trust me, you knew what you were doing.”

Cheeks squished in his grip, voice muffled, I asked, “You’re sure?”

“Positive,” Felix shut his eyes in approval.

I guess the way his head was thrown back against the cabinets was a good thing. He did have one hand gripping my hair, and the other on the countertop clawing at nothing…

When he opened his eyes I whispered, “I like the way you taste.”

“Fuck,” he breathed, giving me the swiftest kiss before pulling away, sitting backward on his bed, putting space between us. Following suit, I twisted where I was sitting so I could face him, eyes on alert, like I’d done something wrong.

“What’d I say?”

“Nothing,” he said immediately, giving me a reassuring smile. “I’m loving everything you’re saying, and I’m finding you so incredibly adorable right now that it pains me to even have to say this.” My stomach flopped and my heart sunk. If he had pulled one over on me and was about to send me home, cutting this off, I swear to… “I want to talk to Jade.”

The name sent a jolt through my nervous system. “Oh, w-why?”

He took a deep breath. “I used to consider her a friend. I’d like her to also hear it from me that nothing between us happened while you were together, nothing more than that kiss. I feel like I owe it to her. It won’t have anything to do with you, I don’t want to do it to… unpack you guys. It’s between her and I, what happened with me and Jade. I owe her a conversation. If she’ll let me.”

My gaze traveled around his room as he spoke, his voice of reason always right, always correct, even if it pained me a bit.

“I’m not saying this because of last night. Can you look at me?” Listening, I met his eyes full of care, full of trust. “I wanted last night to happen the day I met you, Hyunjin. I promise you. I care about you, I like you, I have some… intense feelings about all of this, but this is new. For both of us, but especially you. Do you agree?”

Heart fluttering at the thought that Felix had been crushing on me longer than he’d originally let on, I nibbled my bottom lip and bobbed my head. “Yeah,” I sighed. “I care about you and like you, too.”

He smiled. “So then… If you trust me? Can we start over? Not in the sense of forgetting all that’s happened, because believe me, I will never forget last night, but… If we both want this to work out we can’t jump in headfirst right now.”

Trust, communication, the start of a, hopefully, healthy relationship. I could get on board with that.

“You’ll be worth the wait,” I whispered.

Felix’s smile grew until it erupted over his entire face. Burying himself in his hands he giggled, and whined. “Don’t say stuff like that, you make me want to say fuck it all!”

A breath caught in my throat between a laugh. “Don’t say stuff like that! I’ll really make you say fuck it all!”

The glare he shot me crippled us both, rolling on the sheets until we met in the middle, his head resting back on my chest where it started. Unable to help myself, I delved a finger into his blonde waves and breathed him in, though he seemed to do the same to me.

“Friends,” Felix said quietly, eyes fluttering as I scratched his scalp gently.

Giving him a lazy smile, I whispered, “Friends don’t do this.”

“No sex,” he restated, a smile trying to appear on his lips, but I relaxed him further. “No kissing, unless… Unless it’s proper…”

Enamored by the way he seemed to drift off, I breathed through a laugh. “You want me to court you, I get it.”

His smile finally appeared, his eyes closed. “Maybe I do, Hyunjin.”

“No sex, no kisses, only on the back of the hand when I drop you at your doorstep in the evening,” he chuckled, “But, this is okay?”

He hummed his approval.

“You’re gonna be a handful, aren’t you, Lixie?”

He hummed again, his grin growing back to where it was. Then, his eyes popped open, halting my ministrations.

“We need to get tested,” he said. My brows scrunched above my eyes. “Don’t let me forget. We can go together. I’m coming up on one year anyway, I always go near the end of summer. Was a school thing for me.”

Dumbfounded, I squinted my eyes. “Tested… for what?”

Felix blinked, then pursed his lips.

“You gave me a condom…” I said, voice trailing at the slight disappointment mixed with adoration in his eyes.

Taking a hand to my cheek, he pinched the skin and smiled. “So much to learn.”

Smiling back at him, I attempted to nip his fingers, then whispered, “Teach me.”

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