#feliciasjourney

[feliciasjourney]

free flow

holding on when you should let go you only feel the good turn a blind eye to incompatibility lies dysfunction how many times have you done this? made a list pros versus cons a hierarchy of your wants abandoning your needs the end result always the same he was never the one the one will never need a list he will simply be the one.

[locsofsage]

Two years ago, this day, I was on my shit! (It took me 3 weeks to drop 20lbs, decreased my #bmi, and get some muscle definition) In 2 years, I was able to maintain my weight (although slacked up a bit on my workouts), uphold some level of normalcy, ended some toxic relationships, and #levelup In March, i knew I needed to get back on my GRIND! I had my fitness routine mapped out, classes paid for, trainers scheduled, food list ready....’cause @feliciasjourney and I had summer plans. I had.... stage plays vacations lined up Speaking engagements Entanglements Pool parties Brunches #aquapole Art Shows ...until Covid! ⤵️🤦🏾��♀️🤯🤪🔥🧨🗑 My life did a #180 and I’m like...🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 Anyway, House Music and Hula hooping makes me happy! 🙂🧿 #backatit #onemonth #onedayatatime #locsofsage #healthandfitness #hulahoop #ganggang #weightedhulahoop #weightlossjourney #tryingtogetmymojoback #mentalhealthmatters #nowtostarttheday #covid15 #wellnesswednesdays #housemusic #mymentalheath #hulahooptricks https://www.instagram.com/p/CDOyzK3hXF8/?igshid=1o09ydafj8sry

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 24

seventeen years passed living an alternative lifestyle working out mama issues finding solace in feminine masculinity learning about self

seventeen years later immersed in a heteronormative world dealing with daddy issues creating balance with masculine energy still learning about self.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 15

haiku: after an evening of poisoning this temple spirits are low.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 12

today for the first time in forever you didn’t consume my thoughts you appeared in random moments while I was on the train when other men watched me during my sexy, confident stride down the street before retiring to bed

whereas, in days past i longed for one of your “gm love” texts sought your face in every cable guy’s truck replayed our conversations wore hope on my chest

instead, tonight, I’m writing this poem not entirely about you or the love I still carry but of my desire to heal move forward value my worth wish you well.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 11

you have to stop comparing yourself to them the other women the ones who are chosen gawked idolized placed on a pedestal believe in your own goodness beauty spirit worth awesomeness the talents and beauty of another have no bearing on you the scale you see is imaginary you have learned to equate love with value it isn’t your fault this is your legacy a childhood tale that you internalized relive over and over free yourself write a new story live your truth.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 10

I am waiting for an apology an admittance of guilt acknowledgement of my feelings the breaking of my heart

Your last words were dismissive lighthearted a parody of what actually transpired

And I reacted like I always do with childish anger sharp tongued insults begging for answers

You chose to annihilate what was left of my heart I gave you the gun but you didn’t have to pull the trigger.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 13

I came to D.C. almost two years ago to start anew. Not because life was rough or bad in California, I was simply ready for a change. Now, 21 months later, I’m planning my next move. Things started off wonderfully here. Everything was brand new, including relations with men. I was excited about the weather, food, the architecture, proximity to New York, all the fine ass Black men, my new job, new people in my life. I was a true east coast groupie living her dream. Then, disillusionment became my reality.

My job was not what I expected, and the authoritative and punitive attitude of management does not fit well with the laid back Cali style I am accustomed to. The number of women outnumbers men so much so that every man is either taken, cheating and taken, bitter, playing, about nothing, or all of the above. This past winter was the longest winter ever, and I can’t seem to figure out if I want to be in or out of the city.

So here I am, 17 months away from my 50th birthday, contemplating a new career and a new place to call home. Believe it or not, I’m not fearful or worried. I am strong in my belief that this is where I am supposed to be in my journey. Today, a close friend called me a gypsy. A coworker refers to me as a free spirit. My mother says I have always had my own mind. They are all accurate.

I am taking time to cultivate happiness within so wherever I decide to dwell, there I will be.

[feliciasjourney]

“I been gone for a minute...”

“...now I’m back with the Jump Off.”

Has it really been 8 months since my last writing post? 2017 has been tumultuous and anxiety-provoking in the same intense way that 2016 was devastating and heartbreaking. Both years, I’ve grown, received life lessons, humbled myself, and evolved into greater being-ness. So, I’m not mad. I’m truly grateful.

It’s fitting that I pop on tumblr today, 12/20, since the year is coming to an end. The new year is my favorite time of year. I love the ending and beginning cycles of solar returns, seasons, and months of the year. It helps me keep track of my Iife, memories, and progress, or lack thereof.

So maybe I’ll bust out 11 days of writing to bring in the new year and to get myself prepared for my “new” career path. New because it���s a change from what I’ve been doing the past two years here in D.C. But I’ll actually be back to writing case notes, court reports, and assessments that are actually read and evaluated. You know, real social work.

Anywho, that’s my jump off. Until mañana... Paz.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 30

This sums up my current mood in the most eloquent manner.

If and when I decide to leave D.C., it will not be because I am running from myself. On the contrary, I am in search of a home where I am happy and free to be my authentic self. I don’t know if this place exists. But I do believe that I owe it to myself to explore its existence.

—life confession #2

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 29

How am I approaching my 49th birthday and at an utter loss of what I want to do with the rest of my life? In some ways, my life is mirroring that of my 22-year-old son. Is this what a midlife crisis feels like?

—life confession #1

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 28

I saw you today in the relationship that you say you’re not in are you still declaring you’re single? she was hanging at your side you were bright eyed a nice couple together celebrating the vows of others are you two next? two months ago you had doubt but then you are known for being fickle your Gemini mind changes with the wind how can any woman trust you? why did I? but this one she knew how to stake her claim to him a child is born a Prince you are bound for life no wedding necessary.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 22

haiku:

contemplating life living my truth despite pain growing into me

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 21

Today is the anniversary of my rockstar’s death. I started this day early at a 7a cycling class. The entire set was dedicated to Prince. I was pumped and, at times, emotional. After the class, I walked home, ate a little something, and went back to bed.

My afternoon plan was to have one of his songs tattooed near my collar bone: sometimes it snow in april. Unfortunately, I forgot where I am. The East is so different than the West. These folk want a consultation and a deposit, and walk-in hours are sporadic. I’m like, damn, it’s just a simple five word tatt. Hook a sistah up. I finally found a 5-star shop that accepts walk-ins without all the hoopla. Although I love the finished product, he definitely overcharged me. But since I was desperate, I’ll take the L. (I like using slang that I only slightly understand. My son had to explain what taking an L meant. He was like, duh, wins and losses.)

After my tatt, we headed to Dodge City for a Prince DJ set. It was the perfect crowd, diverse in all areas. I almost felt like I was home in the West. Videos were playing on the screen, and the DJ took us back to 1980 through the early 2000s. He even played extended versions of Controversy, America, and Raspberry Beret. Prince has so many hits, as he stated during one of my last concerts with him, “I have too many hits. We’re gonna be here all night!” I had a lovely day celebrating the legacy and greatness of a true Prince.

Rest In Peace, my Prince.

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 17

I spent the day with a dear friend from California. Somehow, we both managed to end up in the DMV. She's been here much longer than I, and we don't see each other very often; nonetheless, when we link up, it's always effortless. We have many great memories. Actually, I am positive that the good outweigh the bad. And, we always seem to find a way to laugh at the seemingly bad, because they were really just life lessons (and we're both silly as hell). I thank God for our continued connection, respect, and love for one another. I think we've both come a long way (literally) to reach this point in our lives, and I'm glad we are able to witness the other's progress. Love is 2 weak 2 define...

[feliciasjourney]

April 30/30: day 16

man of my dreams

eyes closed envisioning your sweet kind soul your words creating laughter in my spirit love in my soul chemistry magnetic energy flirtatious revealing cautious craving you adoring me dancing like magic this black love my man and me.