#feelingsthatwillstaywithme

[thespacewithin]

I will not allow my pieces to be used anymore. It is your job to figure out your pieces and what the fuck is going on from your lens and choose to share that with me if you want. AND NOT IN RESPONSE TO ME SHARING MY FUCKING FEELINGS. That is not the appropriate goddamn time. I know exactly what is happening on my end and I feel lonely as fuck when your energy back is, “im sorry you feel that way/sounds really rough in your experience..” vibes without actually being in the feeling with me or owning your part in why I feel this in our dynamic with us... OR it’s me sharing and then you fucking make it about yourself. Me sharing my feelings is about ME—NOT. ABOUT. YOU.

I also don't give a flying fuck about your intentions. I am telling you how I feel and your impact on me. If you don’t know what happened or what you're contributing to my feelings or the conflict dynamic, that is EXACTLY the fucking problem. Why do I need to get THIS fucking big in order to exist in conflict with you? What pieces in my own history make this make sense? I tried to share all of that with you. Because everything fucking makes sense. Figure out how you contribute to this in your own goddamn space and QUIT fucking deflecting that work to me.

Also you’re waiting and wanting to see changes with me and our dynamic without fully sharing your pieces or what you need?… yeah that makes no sense and I feel fucking set up to fail. and have to try and figure out pieces on my own... why? Because I feel like the fucking crazy person when talking to you. But I fucking know I am not. And I will not be fucking gaslit again. (No I still do NOT want you to share with me if you don’t want to or are not fucking ready.)

Pieces I've come up with: you actually have more tender feelings that you also feel in the moment quickly but unable to share or know them for xy reason, then you ask me more about myself, but it's not really about me and I feel very unheard and things are being fucking deflected. I answer your questions but you're stuck in your own mind/body disconnected feelings and continue to explain shit.. are you explaining to me or your self-checking self? ...It's basically a trap for me. It's not about me at all. You keep checking your own words and your own self bc you're trying to mitigate something. But it's shit because your feelings never get shared. Resentment builds. And it’s shit because I keep feeling used, misunderstood, and unfuckingheard and my anger fucking builds because those are some of my biggest wounds.

Deeper level zoomed out. You feel scared/shame/a deep feeling of not being enough and you’ll be abandoned, so you find ways to make yourself needed by those you care about or emotionally take care of them, then resentment builds because you’re beyond your capacity and trapped by all their needs that they did or didn’t voice but you met anyway. Fuck. Is any of this accurate at all? I wish I knew. But this is what I felt was happening in the last connection and what this whole goddamn cycle echoes in all of my body and why it has so much fucking rage. I feel manipulated and set the fuck up. It’s about you but you make it about me on the outside. On the inside, it's also about you and cannot put yourself actually in my shoes because there is little emotional flexibility and availability. I am not trying to throw definitions fucking at you cause I’m angry at you. I am trying to name things that are happening so I don’t fucking get manipulated.

No. I am not falling for that shit again. Me and my emotions are not the fucking problem. And I will not do your work, which feels like it's being fucking deflected to me through all this blame energy I feel. Also if I feel like you’re trying to take care of me before being vulnerable back with me when we are trying to resolve conflicts, there is a 95% chance it will enrage me because of the above. I am not asking to be held, I am asking to be fucking heard. If I can feel that consistently, maybe I’ll be open to being fucking held.

I am not hard to understand for those who try and want to believe me. Or maybe I am hard to understand. Either way, I am still fucking here.