#feeling super sad bc my face is getting uglier and uglier.

[bunnihearted]

🪞😓🌧️

[vidalinav]

Hell yes I LOVE hurt, angst, there is some kind of problem/tension fanfics and you are serving up artistic compositions over here.

I want no one to remember Nesta’s birthdays

no one to show up to Nesta’s birthday party besides 1 or 2 people

Cassian to truly see Mor for who she is and reflect on all she’s done to Nesta

I want a Rhys Nesta screaming fight

I want content about how bad of a King and Queen Feyre and Rhysand are and all these people (HIS people) that he has abandoned

God idk what else bc there is so much that we were left missing in the last book, shit we wanna change in the series, &future questions and I’m just super happy you producing this content and can’t wait to read it!

I love angst, but... I really like complicated, drama filled angst. So I would want people to show up to Nesta’s birthday, but I would want them to have the most generic ass gifts wheras Cassian, Emerie, Gwyn, and Azriel are like “Here Nesta, we thought of you when we picked these out.” Like her friends gifts are so thoughtful, and the IC’s gifts ehh... I like the thought of Nesta being civil to them but them really trying harder to be her friend and have her officially join their workforce *cough cough* excuse me, family. But they fail miserably, and instead of thinking “hey it’s our fault” they think “Nesta is avoiding us and she doesn’t want to be around us. what did we do? She thinks were bad people, well... she’s the one who has the bad attitude.” Like give me them misinterpreting everything, because that’s what they do in canon, and Nesta again looking like the bad guy and none of it was there fault. Also, I feel that Nesta would probably only want 1 or 2 people to be at her party, Emerie, Gwyn. BAM, so social interaction and big parties would be the horror story for her. 

I personally want Emerie to be the one who sees Mor as maybe a bit of an ass, but I wrote a post about that before. I just love the thought of a beautiful person getting uglier because of their personality being slowly revealed, but also I have no faith that Cassian would tell Mor anything. He might do it gently or like “Stop! I know you have good intentions and you were protective, but she’s my girl.” I don’t feel he’d be extremely accusatory, because he’s not... I hate it. But Emerie could be, or at least I envision her being petty and I LOVE that.

I do want Rhys and Nesta to have a screaming fight... or maybe a very passive aggressive discussion... yeah (nodding). Almost threatening. Glares and tight words. Everyone looking at Nesta then back to Rhys then back to Nesta. These smiles that they give each other in between insults that don’t sound like insults but are insults. HAHA I would be entertained. 

With the bad High Lord and Lady, I actually have always wanted to write where Feyre is severely disadvantaged in court politics. I don’t know if SJM meant for that to happen, but as evidenced by the book Feyre doesn’t do anything, and now because of the baby situation and not telling her, and the fact that we got a lot of times where Feyre was only called after Rhys had delegated, or Feyre’s decision was only slightly respected, Rhys by god made the whole scenario of the intervention, I really don’t see how she’s equal or how she has a voice as hinted BY THE TEXT. I would really really love that to be a conflict in their mating/ruling, because for fuck’s sake this girl has to actually have a fight with this guy that doesn’t immediately result in sex. Like actually have a conversation where she sees him as a normal person and not like upholding to the love of her life or the savior who rescued her from an abuser and gave her a family. So in that scenario, conflict is made because Feyre does get involved more in court rulings and she does see the problems that have always existed and will always exist because ruling is not easy, but then Rhys is also like why didn’t you tell me you were going to make that decision, and she’s like why?? And he’s not angry but he’s like wtf is happening I thought we were... good? and also now that they have a baby, I want that to be a conflict too. Because two people working is hard enough to have a baby and to be totally involved with the child without having a nanny or daycare. They’re rulers, I’d imagine that’s like having to work full time. So I want them to feel guilty, and for them to immediately lean on the idea that one of them should stay home and raise the baby, and I want this to be a feminist conflict that they’re faced with and I want it to challenge the idea of the equality they think they have, because both of them have biases of what a women’s role is, even if they don’t necessarily agree or uphold them. They exist, and one parent staying home and child rearing is... easier for certain situations. Though ultimately I do want them to be okay with hiring someone to take care of Nyx and to split ruling evenly and just try and make it work the best they can. Feyre being as important with ruling as Rhys. 

I just want complicated narratives. Like I want healing to be an up and down battle. Anger to be an ever present knot in the stomach that spews out of the mouth in the most inconvenient times and never really ebbs away. Sadness to be always lingering, tinging even happy moments with skewed perspectives. I want tension that is not so easily mitigated. Social interactions where no one is ever really right, but someone is more wrong than the other. Because if I have all of this, then the happy moments, the true triumph of people coming together seems so much greater and worked for and earned than just immediately jumping from conflict, resolution, to reward.

ACOSF wasn’t complex enough to be fulfilling for me. So ONE DAY, I will start writing fics again that are what I want to read. But until then... I have my headcanons I suppose.

[ultraklll]

Tony Miller as a Gun For Hire! Tagged by the lovely @envyfelled ! Ty! This was super fun! Also, I'm on mobile, so sorry for the garbo formatting! (Fun fact, tonys voice claim is laura bailey as fiona/fem!boss)

Paired With Fangs For Hire:

Boomer - "Heya buddy!" followed by excessive scratching behind the ears | "Fuckin' love this dog, can sniff out a peggie like shark sniffing out blood. Good trait to have! Awfully convenient too…" | [patpatapatptpataptap] | "Atta fuckin' boy Boomer!" When she sees him get a kill | "Who's a good boy! Who wants to kill some cultists!" | "Wanna play fetch? Rip out their necks?"

Peaches - "Good girl…" | stealth gang stealth gang | peaches: mows down peggies/tony: a baby!" | "I jus' think it's funny that when we went to the Henbane, we picked up a cougar, Addie, an actual cougar, Peaches, and joined a crew called the Cougars… Just'a thought," 

Cheeseburger - "This reminds me'a Vegas pride, saw plenty'a bears there too" | "Kinda ironic to find you in Jacob's region, all things considered," [snickers to herself] | [PATPATPATPATPATPAT] | "Get outta my pockets! These snacks are mine, not yours!" | "You remind me of those like, beware of dog signs, but the dog is always a sweetheart who'd rather play with a home invader rather than attack them," 

Paired With Other Guns For Hire:

Jess - stealth gang stealth gang stealth gang | Jess has a MASSIVE crush on Tony. Everyone can tell. Tony knows | jess: guns are fucking lame and the sniper rifle is the cowards weapon/ tony: uses a sniper rifle/ jess: actually sniper rifles are cool as fuck | "Good shot Jess!" "S-shit, um, thanks, Tony," 

Grace - sniper gang sniper gang!! | [steals a headshot Grace was lining up] "Cmon Gracie, thought you were meant to be Olympic level!" | highly competitive, do a shot whenever they get a perfect headshot to die instantly | smug top solidarity | also heavily depressed solidarity 

Adelaide - [acts like she's not sleeping with her nephew even tho Addie knows she definitely knows] | Tony is either constantly laughing or constantly face palming over the shit addie says | have gotten into an argument once bc addie said john was a top 

Nick - "What's up eye in the sky?" | [flirts over radio] [flirts over radio] [flirts over radio] [fli | Nick: speaks/Tony: god I just love the way you fucking talk | often talk about kim together | "Can we have a barbecue at your place once these fuckers are dealt with?" | [pretends not to be bitter the Deputy got to help deliver Carmina and not her]

Sharky - "Heya baby!" | [constant back and forth flirting. It's embarrassing] | any second they're both not talking is a second they're making out | Can and Will go john wick on some peggy ass if he gets hurt badly | "Do you wanna have a sleepover?" "Lemme ask my momma," | she calls him Charlie :> | loves him so so much they're just constantly talking about anything and everything | literally like A Comedic Duo. Have together for certified funnies

Hurk jr. - "Junior! This'll be just like Kyrat!" | competitions about who can shotgun a beer faster every 4 seconds | WILL tell you stories about their time in Kyrat together | Tony has punched Drubman sr in the nose before and she'll do it again | "Hey Tony? You still in contact with Ajay?" "He sends me a royal postcard every now n' then. Apparently it's boring being king, and his only solace is that his new bodyguard is cute," 

In Combat: 

Seeing an enemy - "Fucker in my sights," | "I got a bullet with your name on it… actually I don't, who the fuck has time to carve names in bullets, but you get the idea- im just gonna shoot you now" | "You're dead on arrival, shithead," 

Sneaking - "You'd think me sneaking is counter productive because I'm 6'4 and have a very loud gun, but you're the boss Dep," | "Shhhh… we're huntin' shitheads… Heard it in a game," | [shoots alarm boxes] "You ain't allowed to call your friends, you're all grounded," | *peggy triggers alarm* "Fuckin snitch!" 

Killing an enemy - "SKULLCRACKER!" | "I just don't miss!" | just fucking headshot after headshot after headshot | [sucks in breath through teeth] "God damn I'm good," | when shes not using her Wifle (wife rifle, a 45/70) she's being FUCKING EFFICIENT with her ak-ms or just blasting ribcages open with her shotgun

Reviving - "Up you get, baby," | "You ain't dying on me that easy, Dep" | "Not today Satan!" | "You gonna let some unwashed asshole kill you?" 

Hurt - "Motherfucker!" | "That's another scar I'll tattoo over," | "Thank god people find scars sexy," | "God fuck that's smarts!" 

Downed - "Dep! Give me a hand?" | "Clean up on Aisle 4 needed!" | "Don't worry about me, just bleeding out over here, no rush," 

Revived - "Drinks on me when this is over Dep," | "Thanks babe!" | "I'll kiss you when we get outta this mess," | "I owe ya!"

Driving: 

Entering a vehicle - "Lemme take over I'm a way better driver than you," | "Floor it!" | "Hang on I've got a mixtape, just hope I havent fuckin' crushed it," | [takes the opportunity to roll cigs] | *peggies roll up* "Keep her steady!" [leans out the window and headshots the peggie on their ass, causing them to crash the car, like that isnt the coolest shit you've ever seen] "Aight cool,"

Reckless Driving - "Watch the fuckin' road asshole!" | [desperately tryna grip the wheel so she can take over driving] | "STOP THE CAR! I'LL JUST FUCKING WALK!" | "Are you tryna kill us?! Fuckin' swap seats now!" | tony is the designated driver bc one she's fucking good at it and two shes also a really bad backseat driver. Just let her drive 

Changing Radio Stations - "Now don't tell Charlie I said this but some of the peggies music is actually good,"| "John's a prick but his music taste is fuckin' good," | [punches radio in when Only You comes on] "...Sorry… Force'a habit…" | "Bold and brave my ass, John looks like he needs help getting spiders out of rooms and wears fuzzy pink bathrobes," 

Idle: 

"Man, John's a freak, and yeah I mean that in the sexy way. Someone who demands so much outward control whilst being a shithead little brat likes to get trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey and stuffed like one too. Don't give me that look Dep, I'm right and we both know it," 

"That dude Jacob ate was called Miller?? God, that could've been me if I was much older and way uglier!" 

"Faith just makes me fuckin sad man. She's been manipulated and groomed into this life by fuckin Joseph- she's so goddamn young too. I'm not gonna tell you what to do Dep, but that's just my two cents,"

"Joseph's the worst kind of man- a manipulator. He tells you what you wanna hear, targets the misfortunate who have nothing left to lose, builds a fucking army out of em. The other heralds I'm ok with arresting, but Joseph's got to go,"

[Lights cig with either her fancy lighter or by striking a match on the bottom of her shoe] "Don't start smoking, Dep,  bad for your health," 

Location Specific: 

Testy Festy Aftermath - [pinches bridge of nose] "Not again…" | "Anyone got a water and like, 3 aspirin?" | "Ain't the first time I've woke up passed out in a field, won't be the last," | "Did we at least get a photo from the night? I've won the competitions here for the last 3 years in a row now, I'm not fuckin missing one cuz of these peggies," 

Falls End - "Fuckin shame to see Falls End like this, but Mary May and Jerome will take good care of her now weve got it back, they always do," | "Think we'll get free drinks for life at the Spread Eagle when this is all over? Actually, we probably won't even get free drinks for week, so for life is wishful thinking," | she enjoys playing with the singing fish on the front of the speed eagle and keeps tryna convince Mary May to let her take it for herself bc tony goddamn miller has the biggest singing fish collection in the entire county 

Seed Ranch - *loud whistle* "this place is swanky as fuuuuck… Not that big a fan of all the dead animals though…" | "IS THAT WEED ON THE TABLE? Johnny boy you fuckin' hypocrite!" | "Oh he's definitely got a secret room behind one of these bookshelves, like a home torture room? Oh my God, what if he has more than one...?" [starts frantically pulling books off shelves] | regarding his shelves with peggie memorabilia [takes baseball bat to it] | [pretends she's never been here as she frantically stuffs any of her own belongings she might've forgotten here into her bag]

Entering the Henbane - "Don't trust a goddamn thing you see here. You think you see something you're not supposed to, hit it," | [swinging at bliss induced angel/animal/faith visions] | "Can we try savin' Faith? Don't feel right killin' her, she's so young…" | "Can we go to Sharky's place? I left some stuff there that could be worth picking up,"

Hope County Jail - "Sheriff Whitehorse has always been a good man to me, Dep. Would appreciate it if he lived through this," | "I always feel like a giant whenever I come here, everyones like 5'3. Virgil, Tracey, Charles, all shortasses," | "I think it's cute they gave you a little pin! You're part of their Pride now! Or whatever the cougar equivalent is to a lions pride… do Cougars even travel in packs? Aside from when Addie used take the girls out for drinks,"

Entering the Whitetails - "Always feels like something's watchin' you in these woods. Keep your eyes peeled," | "Always felt like there's something in these woods that there ain't supposed to be…" | [Shifting from foot to foot] "Can we get a move on? Aint'a big fan of standing around waitin' to get shot by some fuckin' sniper with a bow," | [watching Jacob's video punishing Pratt] "I'll fuckin' get you outta here, Stace… you just gotta hold out a second longer," | [about all the dead bodies and 'you are meat' graffiti] "Love what Jacob's done with the place," 

The Wolfs Den - "Eli Palmer is a good fuckin man. Kind, smart, careful and ruthless against peggies. We've made a good friend here, Dep," | "Heya Wheaty! Got a few more vinyls for your collection! They're all my own though, so be careful with em," | "I don't think Tammy likes you that much Dep. I don't think she likes much of anything anymore, other than attaching jumper cables to Peggy's nipples… Oh god, my piercings hurt thinking about it," 

Joseph's Island - [hand firmly on rifle grip] | "Creepy, evil motherfucker, had him pegged right from the start. Well, not pegged. I'm not pegging Joseph. I'd rather stick my dick in a ceiling fan then go anywhere near him- I'm just gonna stop talking," | "You know what? No one else has asked it so I'm gonna- where the fuck does Joseph sleep.  In the church? In one of these houses? In the dirt somewhere? What if he hangs upside down from trees like a bat?" 

[laughingjazz-blog1]

Nvm about God testing me, I'm not even worried about the the test

So for anyone who didn't see my last post it doesn't matter too much. But I'm confused becasue I feel so sad? Not good enough? I don't know but I went to a football game today after a good day, like super good. And in the middle of it I just started thinking about boys stuff.

I was just sitting there having a conversation with myself in my head about how ugly I was and dumb I was, and it was my fault so I couldn't do anything about it

I was to my self about how I didn't like my face and how the reason I'm single is my face and how nasty I used to be in middle school. And how those were the reasons I'm single. Like I get it I was uglier and super weird in middle school. But it's been almost two years since then and I've changed but no one cares, they don't want to be friends or date someone who used to be weird.

It makes me sad becasue I worked so hard to get better and stuff. Like I look better, I dress better, I'm more outgoing and funny, and way more fun. And way less emotional and more natural. And I actually have goals and good grades now. But no one cares, like only my friends seem to notice and I know they're the only ones that should matter but it makes me so upset.

I wish I could just move and start over so no one would know about how I used to be and would just see who I am now, which I'm pretty decent. I would do anything to leave this town, even give up my friends. I would still try to see them and stuff, like it doesn't even have to be far away just away.

And I love my friends alot and the small amount of real friends I have are great but I'd just be much happier if I had new ones, I would still love and talk to them though.

And this isn't even about boys, like there are people who are friends with my best friends (who are just like me and that person will be friends with the whole group) except me. And I really can't think of any reason other than my past. Like it can't be my personality becasue I'm just like my friends and it can't be how I dress becasue I dress like my friends, can't be because I'm poor (well I guess it could but not likely bc it's not widely known), so what's left? My past and it's not like if I move I except everyone to love me and stuff ik there will still be people who don't like me.

But at least it will be me who they don't like and not my past self. Like everyone knows that quote from Kurt Cobain about being hated for who they are rather than loved for who their not. I can't win at either, I'm hated and dismissed and left out, becasue of someone who I used to be.

It's not fair and I know no one cares and that life isn't fair but it makes me really upset. Becasue there is literally nothing wrong, there's nothing left to fix. Unless I can get plastic surgery I'm the best me I can be (which is pretty alright) but no one cares enough to look past my 7th and th grade self to realize that.

I'm tired of it, so I'm going to stop trying, I don't care anymore trying just makes me feel let down. I don't want to even think about boys and especially not Alex, I'm gonna talk to him and other boys as less as possible, I'm just gonna try to sit alone in classes from now on and focus on my schoolwork and only talk to people when they talk to me unless it's one of four people, and I currently have no classes with any of them. And at lunch since I don't have lunch with any of them 2/3 days I'm gonna work on school or reading in the libary.

I don't care about these people anymore, I'm just gonna ignore everyone who isn't one of my four friends and focus on my work so I can move and when I finish highschool and start over.

Have a new life where no one know nor cares about my past.