#feeling such overwhelming love for monica lately i dont know whats wrong with me

[lottovalentino]

Monica or Huey for the character ask

so both then. both. ladies first

moni

favorite thing about them

everything she is my babygirl she's a little freak

least favorite thing about them

the untrained eye could sort her into the doe eyed anime waifu trope and this isn't her fault of course but i would bite people over it. i could criticize her personality flaws but why would i do that

favorite line

b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bwuh do you have. are you currently seeing any... i mean. i like you so. okay? ..

brOTP

her and elmer such beautiful besties i want them to kiss. i like her friendship with niki too

OTP

wouldn't you like to know

nOTP

she gets shipped w three people and i support all three

random headcanon

she's wonderfully artistic she bakes she paints she writes she does gardening. she loves kids she would have been the best mom. she's messy and all over the place she hasn't brushed that hair for months i'm sure she ate dirt in her aristocratic young lady days

unpopular opinion

in the top 3 best female b! characters you actually need to have a very high iq to

song i associate with them

love grows edison lighthouse. mitski i bet on losing dogs. arms christina perri. vera lynn we'll meet again

favorite picture of them

the one where she's DYING just kidding speaking of official stuff i like that one illustration enami posted on twitter years back but in general there's this one alnorton fanart where she's smiling against she sky it makes me melt

hughie

favorite thing about them

he sucks <3

least favorite thing about them

he sucks </3

favorite line

"if time doesn't heal them, they may not be wounds" SO funny of him to say that

brOTP

i don't think he has any friends he doesn't make out with. actually no him and claire are buddies

OTP

i want to say huemoni because it's true but i whoreify him daily he needs to kiss everyone

nOTP

you have to undergo a procedure if you ship him fermet for me to see if it's ironic or not

random headcanon

nicotine addict he needs it

unpopular opinion

don't ask me this i have so many huey opinions

song i associate with them

ghosts laura marling. a burning hill mitski. will wood well better than the alternative. le parole lontane maneskin

favorite picture of them

no official illustration does him justice but the alice in jails dual cover comes the closest

[dmallpersonalblog-blog]

March 15 2019

Today was my first day of therapy. it was a nice change of events in my current headspace and a step in the right direction. For the longest time I was afraid to admit that I needed help. That maybe I really couldn't do everything alone or in private. 

After my session my first immediate response was to eat a cheeseburger, and damn do i regret that. Greasy food and all that doesn't settle with me and I had to put in double the time at the gym to burn off the calories. But, i guess thats why they call it stress eating. The gym has been a good outlet lately for my stress and anxiety and all the sadness i’ve been sitting on for so long. A thing that I do want to change in regard to that is I find myself repeating either “Dancing in the Dark” by Joji, “Crying Over You” by Honne, or “Almost (Sweet Music)” by Honne. All good songs on their own, but just have a deeper personal feeling in regards to my mental health and this overwhelming feeling of sadness or missing my ex. Something I want to try and do is just refer to her as my ex versus her name. In essence ridding myself of her name so theres no hope of getting back together. But fuck. I do miss her. 

Back onto topic for today, my first instinct after my appointment (and cheeseburger)  was to put my chair back in the car and call my closest friends. I wanted to call my friend Monica, but with everything going on lately its just so hard to dial those numbers or to see the responses she sends me. It feels like she doesn’t even care anymore. I always though that our friendship was something that transcended time or the long periods of maybe not saying anything. I felt like i’ve been there for her when she needed it, but the one mental breakdown since HS, and she’s nowhere to be found. Its ok though, I’ll always have love for her and I want her to be happy especially if she found someone she can love also. It just hurts not being able to talk to someone that you need to.  

I really wanted to call Ashley today also but I know she has work. I sent her my previous post yesterday and I felt like she didn't really read it or acknowledge it. It’s okay though. Im sure she has life and work and her own shit going on. Something I need to realize is that everyone cant be your crutch or your lifeline and people have things they need too. I wish her the best.

The talk I had with Derek today was a bit hit and miss for me. I appreciate that he listens and lets me open up to him about stuff, but when he said that he doesn’t know or think depression medication is something he believes in or wants to do kinda upsets me. It was hard for me to open up about it, for as long as I can remember its always been a sign of weakness and its very hard to open up about stuff like that. It is what it is though, because I am getting help to benefit others and not everyone. Something thats new to me. Doing stuff for myself mentally. 

The best medicine lately has been talking to my friend Jessica. Originally I just thought it would be nice to talk to someone whose been over a recent breakup lately too and we could be sad and emo together and shit. But honestly its been a lot more than that. It is nice to talk to someone that gives a shit to be frank. Someone who acknowledges what I’ve been going though, someone who just thinks i’ll instantly get better with time and recognizes the work I’ve been trying to put in to better myself. When I called her she just seemed so proud of me that I took the step to see someone and better myself. She didn't make snide comments about needing possible anti depressants. She just made me feel safe and acknowledged. The only thing I can really hope for tbh. Definitely someone I can open up to and share my journey with and when it hopefully ends one day, we can both look back and smile because we got through it together. 

In regards to my therapy. I want to be more open and honest with my therapist. It felt like she knew what I was going through and had sympathy. She made me feel like I wanted a reason to live. A reason to keep on going. She told me to go easier on myself, something that I really want to do. I want to live for myself and not for others. I don’t want to burden people. I don’t want to let people know that i’m struggling so bad that sometimes I lay in bed and think that if I jumped off a cliff everything would be ok. I hate that it takes me forever to get out of bed because this paralyzing sense of fear and embarrassment creeps in and makes you hide under the covers and make you think about all the good memories you had in the past 4 year and replaces them with the love you thought you had sucking another dudes dick or laughing at you while she gets fingered by your ex bestfriend. Depression feels like getting a dick constantly jammed into your ear. It sucks and it hurts and why the fuck would you even want a dick in your ear. I hate that we broke up and I also hate the feeling that maybe I needed it to discover more about myself and my happiness. TBH I wasn't happy the past 8 months. I was only happy when I was with her, and thats something I need to change. To be happy on my own. But, i wish i didnt see that youtube search awhile back. Or to see her moving on with someone else, that would hurt way too fucking much.

Other than talking about myself and my issues, we talked about the term co-dependent and what that means. I feel like I was so codependent on her that it was hard to do things on my own. That i wanted to spend all the moments i could and when she wasn't able to, what was I supposed to do? I loved her so much and even after 4 years I loved her as much as our first time together, or our 1 year anniversary. Or just laying in bed kissing and promising our futures together. I love deeply and passionately and I don’t want to be ashamed of that. What is so wrong about loving your partner to the fullest? Caring about their future, and their well being and how they are doing. But recently, I feel like if i were to even go back into the dating scene I couldn’t. Hook up culture scares me. Sex without love scares me. Finding your “soul mate” scares me, because I dont even know what I want yet.

My therapist said that we did spend our first 4 years of our adult lives with each other and not knowing anything else really hurts you, especially with a clean break from each other. I just hope it gets easier with time. I’m hurting and it really shows.

I need a break from social media for awhile. I need a break from my feelings for awhile also. 

In regards to my mental health though... there are still a lot of days where I don’t want to do much and I do think about just ending it all. But I know i cant do that. I dont want my parents or relatives or friends deal with that and emotionally fuck them up. But, I also want a reason for me not to end my life and want to live versus wanting others to want me to live. I just need that reason. 

Im stressed out about finding a job. I feel like if it was hard to find one in CA, it might be even harder here. Im stressed out about my living situation. I just wish they wanted me here more, or that I didn’t feel like an nuisance or a bother. 

I wish I had more friends out here to hangout with or get a drink or just do something fun. Its been lonely if im being 100% honesty. I’m so grateful for my sister though, shes been helping me out so much. I love her so much and I just hope my mental health isnt fucking with hers. She deserves the world and more. 

Im glad i’ve been writing these blog posts to empty out my emotions and all those feelings. For the first time in a long time i’m hopeful for the future. 

ALSO; i’m nervous about anti depressants. Theres such a stigma towards them and I hope i don’t become reliant on them just like I was reliant on my ex. But, deep down I know i need them to be better and feel better. 

If you’ve gotten this far thank you for reading and letting me vent out my feelings and my hopes and sadness. I hope I can be a more contributing member to society one day.