#feeling real clever about mike and will's flowers guys

[upsidedog]

senior prom, 89'

[ikesengoficss]

Hi Natalie !! ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ Yuki is my 2nd favorite warlord too, so expect some requests of him too, hehe. (｀・∀・´) I've been thinking about this for a while now, but would it be alright to request HC's of married life with Kennyo x Reader? I'm thinking years after the whole dispute w/ Nobunaga is miraculously settled. Perhaps they settle down in the forest, build their home together, Kennyo making a living off woodcarving & maybe MC teaches? Would fluff & a bit NSFW be alright? Thank you so much ❤️

Hello! Thank you for requesting this – I had a lot of fun writing it!~ 

Kennyo + MC Married Life

SFW

Kennyo is a very attentive, tender, and doting husband— and it will only ever be you that he’ll be so soft and affectionate with.

In his eyes, he is a demon, and how he got so lucky to have an angel for a wife, he will never know. He can only thank Buddha for this gift and second chance at life.

Revenge, with time, becomes a distant memory as the bonds of your marriage, and love grows deeper, and more powerful.

It was a miracle that the dispute between Kennyo and the Oda was settled and put to rest, all though all of them claim it was you that managed to end the war.

You lived with the Oda, and Kennyo respects in time your friendship with the Oda, and that Azuchi is your home.

But he is in love with you. And he wants you to always be with him. He can’t stand when he isn’t with you, it hurts his heart.

So on your birthday, he takes you to a special place deep within the forest, to a beautiful valley you’d never seen before. He even carries you on his back there;

“I’m getting too old for this…”

“You’re not old, my love.”

After a nice picnic, cuddling in the grass, playing in the water— and experience he’s never partake in. He never knew he could have so much fun swaying in a lake, splashing water at each other.

You’re laying on his haori, wrapped in each other’s arm. He shuffles beneath you and you look up at him confused, asking what he’s doing.

A soft, tender smile, only for you appears on his face. He holds out his hand and lifts you up. And he begins his proposal;

“You fluttered into my life, a blooming flower, landing within my palm. I never knew what real love was until I met you, my dove. I hold your hand now, and I want to hold your hand forever. MC— become my wife.”

With tears streaming down your face, you accept his proposal.

The two of you build your house together deep in the forest. It was Kennyo’s idea to do so. Shingen will help out too, since he loves woodwork. He wants to be close to nature, close to the animals, and you couldn’t deny that you wanted that too.

Building your home was fun; Kennyo is surprisingly playful when he wants to be. You’ll be working hard, and suddenly there is a heavy weight on your back.

Mike has been plopped on your back! and you’re forced to stay leaning forward so you don’t disturb the sweet boy!

“And you say I’m the cheeky one!” you laugh.

Kennyo chuckles walking away back to his own work, but not before he quips, “I wasn’t cheeky before I met you, dear one.”

Kennyo begins woodcarving, and is able to make a living out of it. You become a teacher, when you are not sewing. You enjoy teaching children how to read, and young girls how to sew.

After a couple years of marriage, you begin to talk about children. It is you who brings it up. Kennyo is very hesitant at first;

he thinks he is too old to be a father, and worries whether or not he’d even be a good one. He has come so far, but many days, he still sees himself as a demon.

But starting a family with you, having children… he wants that. So how could he say no to you?

Your first child is a little girl, in which you name Chou, meaning “butterfly”; The day you gave birth to her, butterflies had fluttered around you as you laid in a bed of grass. Kennyo said it was a gift from Buddha.

let me add onto this story real quick Poor guy was an absolute mess while you were giving birth. He had no idea what to do, and he had found you about to burst. Luckily, he finds it in him to fucking calm down, and help you to birth you’re gorgeous daughter.

A year later, you have a boy, who you name after Shingen who cries a river when he hears.

His children are his pride and joy, and he teaches them both how to do woodwork. 

He shows them the beauty of nature. He helps them to build relationships with animals and preaches to them the importance of making the most of their life, for good.

Some more domestic headcanons;

There are lots of late night talks between the two of you, usually up until early in the morning, and you both realize the sun is almost coming up. But you both got lost in each other’s words.

Kennyo teaches his children how to play leapfrog. He once fell over though doing so, landing on his face, and you were in stitches, you couldn’t stop laughing. he wasn’t very impressed

Kennyo brings a new animal home every night for dinner. They get a full on gourmet meal.

Let’s not forget about Mike. Some days you find him if he isn’t working, laying on the ground with Mike no his chest, just rambling on about anything to the cat.

Shingen visits a lot. 

One time Hideyoshi and Mitsuhide actually came to visit too while Shingen was visiting. You were terrified a fight was about to break out, but you all ended up drinking together, laughing like old friends. It reminded you a little bit of time in the future, when you’d be with friends at a bar. It  becomes a regular thing for the warlords to come over for a meal.

“Is it tomorrow that your “mitsu” friends are coming…? or is it the ninja?”

“Ninja tomorrow, Mitsu Wednesday.”

“We need to clean then… We cannot have company in this state.” Says that when the house is already sparkling.

Kennyo is a bit of a clean freak. Not that that your home is particularly messy anyways. But if he sees even a speck of dust, he’s grumbling and frantically dusting.

NSFW

In the bedroom, making love with Kennyo can be really sweet, and slow, and sensual. Or can be really fast, and rough, and passionate.

After a nice day, Kennyo will lay you down in the futon, delicately ridding you of your clothes. He takes his time exploring your body. He cannot get enough of it.

He buries his face between your breasts, kissing between them. His tongue lavishes at your left breast, teetering around your nipple before his lips finally suckle on it. His other hand will either be cupping your other breasts, are slowly running up and down your body to soothe you, before finding its place between your legs.

He has such clever fingers to press at every spot within you, to stretch you, and ready your body for his entrance.

Your moans is sweet music to his ears. He loves when you grab onto his hair, tugging lightly as pleasure consumes you.

Prepared and ready for his length, he enters you, painfully slow. He can feel your nails digging into his shoulders, and he loves it. He lightly nibbles on your earlobe as he finally sheaths himself all the way in.

It’s pure ecstasy. You’re so warm and welcoming.

His thrust are slow, as he carefully pulls himself out before shoving himself in again, thrusting you forward.

“Sing for me, my dove. Let me hear your voice.”

Nights where he is frustrated, or self loathing, or just in need of some relief, prepare yourself.

For there is no gentle lovemaking, no teasing or foreplay; he’s getting right to it, spinning your around till your on your hands and knees.

He positions you so your chest is flat on the futon, and bottom in the air.

Before you know it, he is pounding into you; his hand is wrapped around the back of your neck, he’s leaning over you so he can tell you all his dirty thoughts.

It’s rough, and you love it. You can’t help but smile as he reaches every spot within you, you’re practically drooling onto the floor.

“That’s it, take MC, take all of me.”

“Forgive me, for I cannot stop myself.”

However when his children are born, he becomes much more aware of everything, and he’ll almost be afraid to start anything since he fears they’ll walk in on him.

He found it in bad taste at first sex in the woods, but he feels that’s the only place he can fully ravage you and not have to worry about his children seeing anything.

~~~~~

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[q00kies]

00Q fic rec list

So, those are my favorite 00Q fics and I thought I might make a list of them ! Most of these include pining and emotional constipation on some level.

The favorites

Sigh No More, by dhampir72 rating : T  words : 20K

Bond wants nothing more than for someone, just once, to be waiting for him at the airport when he returns home. 

My favorite. The characterization is beautiful and gives depth to a damaged, vulnerable James Bond. “Do you want me to arrange a car for you?” Q asks. “I want you to come get me,” Bond says. [...] Q says: “Okay.”

come a lily, come a lilac, by pdameron rating : T warning : AU - flower shop words : 8K

"Most people just pick whatever flower they think is prettiest. It doesn’t require a lot of input from me.” The man walks up to Q, leaning against the counter between them. “Well then, what can I do to get your input?” (In which Q runs a flower shop, and his newest regular is almost definitely a spy.)

This fic features all the good tropes : violent mutual pining, misunderstandings, mild angst, fluff, humor. The characterizations and banter are excellent. pdameron is my favorite 00Q writer, you should read everything they’ve written. 

Ordinary Numbers, by Bootsnblossom, Kyptaria rating : T warning : AU - different first meeting, AU - Q is not Q yet words : 44K

More than anything, Mike Taylor wanted to be ordinary. Being a genius, he learned early in life, meant people expected too much. A career at the MI6 Help Desk seemed the perfect way to guarantee a lifetime of obscurity, until he got a very unusual tech support call.

Excellent plot and detailed writing. Such a worthy and satisfying read.

Ulysses, by girlbookwrm rating : T words : 89K

“Paperwork for the new head of Q-Branch,” Tanner said.“Of course.” The words were like glass in his throat. Smoke inhalation was a bitch. His brain felt slow and foggy, like it was full of smoke too. “Who shall I take them to?��M lifted one white brow. “They’re for you, Quartermaster.”Bond and Q are drawn together by names, work, and a certain Aston Martin. In which Q is kidnapped once, Bond is poisoned twice, and Eve is a badass on at least three occasions. AKA that time I tripped and wrote 80,000 words of 00Q.All titles unapologetically stolen from Alfred, Lord Tennyson.

This also features all the good tropes imaginable. Like, everything you need. Delicious read. Brillant writing. Dialogues and narration were clever. Beginning is Skyfall and Spectre rewrite but don’t let that deter you, it only lasts for 2 chapters or so and it’s well done.

Long-ride / slow-burn

Lay it down, by damphir72 rating : M words : 81K

Bond and Q agreed: their relationship was nothing more than physical. Until it suddenly isn't.

sick fic. Bond takes care of Q. Similar to Where You Are, with such dedication and softness and love. 

Nodus Tollens, by Only_1_Truth rating : T words : 88K

Nodus Tollens: the realization that the plot of your life doesn’t make sense to you anymore Q's life at the technical help department of MI6 was decently quiet and paid reasonably well - it even gave him vacation time, although he rarely used it. So when Q was finally coaxed to leave work for a bit and relax, he thought that Paris might be fun. Of course, that was before the gunfight, witnessing a shooting, and being kidnapped by a strange, blue-eyed gunman named James Bond.

Yours, J, by swtalmnd rating : E words : 39K

Bond sends letters. Q is vexed. Q-branch starts a betting pool. There are an appalling amount of sweets. Also, 002 is a bit of an arse.

haven’t finished this one yet but recing it because it’s GOOD. pining hell “He was the one person James Bond didn’t want to seduce”. urhhh

Quriosity, by dr_girlfriend rating : E words : 79K

COMPLETE! Bond finds himself increasingly curious about his enigmatic Quartermaster. Excerpt: "Your prior hotel is no longer secure, I will direct you to a new location. Your luggage has already been transferred. A field agent and medic from the Diréction Générale de la Sécurité d'État will be waiting at the side entrance. I have cleared them both personally." In contrast to his crisp dry English, Q's pronunciation of the French words was fluid and flawless, the throaty tone of the fricatives sending a surprising jolt of awareness straight to Bond's cock — all the more remarkable given his degree of blood loss. "You're wasted on Q-branch, you have the voice for a phone-sex call-in line." The words slipped out of Bond's mouth without forethought, although he had plenty of time to think in the sudden pause that came afterward and stretched on for endless moments. Bond hadn't realized until now how Q was always there, with an immediate reply. In all their banter Q had never before been at a loss for words. Ever.

classic. very in character : the banter, the dynamics. good tropes. 

Humor

Dramatic Arts, by scioscribe rating : T warnings : none words : 2,9K

In which Spectre is actually Bond's poorly written attempt at falsifying a mission report. Q wants a flight simulator, Eve wants more lines, and M wants a drink. Everybody's a critic.

So If You Give, by TheCatOnTheMoon rating : T words : 6,1K

Bond gives Q things because of reasons. Q thinks that Bond completely misses the point.

Hilarous. MI6 works like B99. Q is everyone’s darling.

some guys just can’t hold their arsenic, by pdameron rating : T words : 5,8K

“Motherfucking - goddamn - fucking shit!” “Good lord, Q,” Bond says from behind him with no small amount of amusement. “One would think you’d never been in a quarantine before.”

a lot of pining and them being dumb. hilarous dialogues. the writer writes WELL.

By no Ordinary Means of Communication, by laughtershock rating :  E words : 7,9K

Q can’t help but wonder how, exactly, his life has come to this (The one where Bond discovers post-it notes, Q discovers how not to talk about feelings, and together, they fight crime make things far more complicated than necessary.)

this is here because I love the sex scene in it : Q gets plugged for a meeting.

million dollar question, by skylights rating : G words : 5K

Q doesn’t bend for anything and Q certainly doesn’t break for anyone, especially when it comes to stubborn double-ohs intent on making Q’s life hell, so when Q wakes up on a Saturday morning to 12 new texts from Bond and the incessant ringing of his flat’s doorbell, Q makes sure to bring a gun to answer the door. “Delivery for one…Quabik Quadree?” Q feels the weight of the Glock 19 in the pocket of his dressing gown and sincerely wonders whether to shoot the delivery man or himself. (or, that fic where everyone wants to know Q's name and stupid things happen in the process)

Fluff

A modest proposal, by Tokyo_the_Glaive rating : T words : 3,3K

Or, five times Bond asked Q to marry him, and one time Q beat him to the punchline.

there’s love to be had, by pdameron rating : T words : 1,2K

“I won’t begrudge you your happy ending, Bond. If you want to ride off into the sunset, MI6 won’t stop you,” Mallory says. “But I will say this. If you do walk away, take care with what you leave behind.”

(In which Bond has a bit of an epiphany on the bridge and finds that he can't leave MI6 just yet.)

I don’t take your pleasure for granted, by CatchClaws rating : M words : 6,2K

Q tries to talk himself out of having a crush on James Bond. Bond makes that rather difficult.

In which Bond reads sci-fi books. Well written. Banter is delightful.

please stay, by pinknamjoon rating : T words : 2,7K

Bond keeps flirting with Q while he's on missions, both over the comms and through surveillance cameras, and Q is extremely flustered.

Name on my skin, by the runawaypen rating : G warning : SOULMATES !! words : 900

Everyone has the name of their soulmate written on their skin. And Q can't help but feel excited to learn that the James Bond written on his wrist is one 007. It's a shame James doesn't know Q's real name. Things could have been simpler.

Angst (with happy ending. always)

Remember me, by Jen (ConsultingWriters) rating : T words : 5,6K

Bond has lost his memory. Q has lost his love. "What have I forgotten?” Bond asked; Q watched him, trying to find the James he knew. “Nothing that you won’t work out on your own, if it’s really important,” Q said carefully, before returning every fraction of his attention to the computer in front of him.

dying noises

Loneliness is a disease, by fairyjimjam rating : T words : 9,5K

Q stands up, nearly breathless, and ventures towards the lift. Bond is back. He's back. Back. Back Back Back- "I need a car." Q stops in his tracks. He's not back. No of course he isn't. Q's chest hurts. "Have fun at an automobile shop then," is what slips out of his mouth.

Q is absolutely miserable after Bond’s left and Bond is clueless. Sad pining hell. What’s new. Ending is dubious though. 

just like old times (please, don’t ever change), by Rosslyn rating : T words : 5,1K

Sometimes when Q is alone in his workshop and there is an experiment that needs to be supervised and he can’t go home and he can’t sleep, he watches Bond’s vitals.

canon

as permanent as stone cathedrals, by pdameron rating : T words : 6,0K

Q has been in love for two years, six months, and twelve days when James Bond walks away, leaving him with a bleeding head and a broken heart on a dark and noisy London bridge.

If you didn’t get the hint, yes, go and read everything this author has ever written.

Bittersweet, by dr_girlfriend rating : M words : 14K

The first time Bond flirted with Q, it was purely out of self-defense. The second time Bond flirted with Q was largely manipulation. The third time Bond flirted with Q, he just wanted to feel something. The fourth time Bond flirted with Q was out of sheer boredom.

Somehow, flirting with Q became something of a habit for Bond.

And then, it became something else.

features rejection hmm delicious. ‘Those who love to pursue fleeting forms of pleasure, in the end find only leaves and bitter berries in their hands’

Missed chances, by cherrygoldlove rating : G words : 2,7K

Eve leaned across Q's desk.” Bond has someone!” Q's eyebrow lifted as he sent her a quick look from above his glasses. “He has someone every thirty minutes.” He returned his gaze to the screen and continued to type; “No, not like that! He has someone long term, they're dating!”

misunderstandings, jealous Q, fake relationship, angstish, heartbreak, pining what more ?

Favours, by dhampir72 Rating : T Words : 6,1K

James Bond never looks at Q unless he wants something.

it’s not angst but idk where to put this. pining. 

Omega verse

The two fics below are mpreg-free, don’t feature any consent issues and are full of pining. Alpha!Bond and Omega!Q

A Matter of Convenience, by junetangerine (culuyetille) rating : E words : 19K

‘twas why the whole thing had been sanctioned in the first place: minimal disturbance of the status quo, just a blip in their routine, no consequences. So what if the Quartermaster had had an untimely, dangerous heat and 007 had been the one assigned to see him through it. Both of them knew better than to let anything come of it. (Alpha/Omega dynamics) 

Light omega fic. This is the only omegaverse fic you need to read. Wonderful ! 

Where you are, by dhampir72 rating : E warning : WIP 5/7 chapters BUT chapter 5 can be considered as a satisfying ending. words : 44K

An Omega unable to create life is a creature to be pitied, or at least, that is what society says. Q is fine with it, really. He had never wanted children anyway...and settling down with a mate never truly sounded appealing. So he’s fine with it: being alone, bearing no children. It’s fine.Until it isn’t.

Angsty omega fic. Q is diseased, Bond takes care of him with such dedication and softness and selfless love. I cried. (no tragic ending)

Porn without plot

Gloria in excelsis, by feelslikefire rating : E warning : barebacking words : 3,8K

Q has a dirty secret; Bond has an attraction and now he's got the excuse to act on it. Smut featuring glory hole(s).

glory hole

Resource sharing, by rsadelle rating : E  Warning : dom/sub, Bond/Q/Trevelyan threesome, double-penetration words : 3,4K

Q experiences what it means when James says he and Alec share everything.

[skeletonscribbles]

1 with Richie and Eddie for the writing prompts!

Got you covered, friend! Hope the Tumblr crowd is feeling a Stan POV on Reddie, because I sure as hell was. This is straight comedy, too, so those of you who are here because of Wildflowers…here’s proof that it’s not sad around here ALL the time.

#1, by the way, is “Yes, I did say that, but I didn’t think you were going to be a dumbass!”

And here we have:

Sugar, Spice, and Bad AdviceT-ish for language and reference to Richie’s dick (deep sigh)2500 words

Summary: Stan has absolutely no idea why Richie comes to him for romantic advice...so, like any respectable businessman, he outsources.

Stanley Uris did not consider himself a romantic person by any means.

He appreciated romance, certainly. From a very young age, he was poring through books with clever heroines and rooting for them to end up living happily with attractive, intelligent partners. (More often than not, said heroines never encountered anyone as smart as they were, and so they had to settle. Stan thought that was a shame. If he were writing books, he would write romance very differently.) That said, in real life, he tended to be more realistic and less dreamy about matters of the heart.

All of this being the case, it really didn’t make any sense at all that Richie Tozier was coming to him for romantic advice…but then, Stan had long since come to terms with the fact that nothing about Richie made any sense.

“You’ve gotta help me out here, buddy,” Richie was saying, pacing back and forth as Stan watched him disinterestedly from the couch. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to say to him…do I say anything to him? Fuck, Stan, I’m gonna fuck this up, I’m such a piece of shit and he’s so….so….”

“Paranoid?” Stan offered, thinking of Eddie and smiling thinly. “Shrill?”

That was another baffling thing about the situation: Richie was pining over Eddie. Eddie, who they’d known since kindergarten; Eddie, who cried in sixth grade because Greta Bowie wrote the word ‘cancer’ on one of his papers in Social Studies. Dirty, lewd Richie Tozier was having feelings for nervous, naive Eddie Kaspbrak. It was highly illogical, and Stan usually hated things that were illogical….but for whatever reason, his brain was somewhat settled with the idea of this particular pair of friends getting together, which was bizarre in and of itself.

Richie threw himself on to the couch with a groan, sprawling across Stan’s legs. Stan tried to kick at him, but he was pinned under Richie’s lanky frame. “I was going to say perfect,” Richie sighed wistfully, blowing a strand of hair out of his eyes.

Stan made an exaggerated whipping sound and gesture, and Richie responded by pulling himself over and blowing a raspberry onto Stan’s knee.

“Disgusting.” Stan shoved Richie off of the couch, and Richie hit the floor with a hard thud. “Have you asked anyone else for advice about this? Perhaps they’d be able to do a little more for you than roll their eyes.”

Richie raised his head, peeking at Stan over the side of the couch. “You think they’d be okay with it? I keep thinking that Big Bill’s gonna kill me immediately upon hearing that I have designs on Eds’ virtue.”

“Don’t say that thing about virtue again. It was awful.” Stan shook his head, shuddering. “And trust me when I say that Bill is all for you and Eddie finally getting your fucking shit together.”

That much, at least, was true. Stan’s entire last conversation with Bill, much to his dismay, had been centered around getting Richie and Eddie to stop pining for each other. In fact, Stan’s recent conversations with most of the other Losers had been centered around getting Richie and Eddie to stop pining for each other. The situation was pretty universally annoying.

“Wait, but why would Bill’s love advice be better than yours?” Richie was looking at him curiously. “Or Bev’s or Ben’s or Mike’s, for that matter?”

Stan looked back at him flatly. “Richie. You know me.”

Richie thought about that, and then nodded. “Fair point. So…”

“Try Mike first,” Stan advised, thinking of Mike’s warm smile and feeling a little hot. “He’s got game.”

—-

The next day at school, Richie approached Eddie with a small bouquet of flowers.

It was, without a doubt, the worst bouquet that Stan had ever seen.

Richie had obviously picked it himself. Half of the flowers still had roots attached, and the bouquet was pretty much only made up of dandelions and violets, with the odd daisy or tulip that he’d probably taken illegally from someone’s garden. Richie had been clutching them tightly for quite a while, and they were starting to go limp in his grip.

In short, there was no fucking way that Eddie was going to touch that, and sure enough, when Eddie showed up, he recoiled.

“Richie, did you go through Mrs. Conway’s garden again? I TOLD you, she doesn’t grow marijuana! Not that you’d even know what marijuana looks like anyway, Went would fucking end you if he smelled smoke on your–”

Richie cut off Eddie’s tirade by shoving the flowers towards him. “They’re for you, Eds! And only a few of them are from Mrs. Conway’s.”

Eddie stared at him, horrified. “You expect me to touch those? First of all, you’ve been sweating all over them for probably twenty minutes now. Second, poison ivy–”

“Okay, if I don’t know what marijuana looks like, you definitely don’t know what poison ivy looks like,” Richie interjected hotly.

“I know what poison ivy looks like,” Stan informed them, unable to help himself.

“No you fucking don’t, jackass. Not every plant is poison ivy,” Richie all but yelled, face crimson with either frustration or embarrassment (Stan couldn’t tell).

“Anyways, asshat, bad fucking joke. Do better next time.” Eddie stomped towards the high school in a huff, and Richie looked helplessly over at Mike, who had been watching the whole escapade unfold with a grim expression.

“So, flowers are out,” Mike finally said, shrugging. “Sorry, Rich.”

“Shit.” Richie dropped the “bouquet” and sighed. “It’s okay, Mikey, you meant well.”

“That’s pretty much the extent of my flirting expertise, unless you want to bring Eddie a chicken.” Mike wrinkled his nose at the thought. “And that’s a terrible idea, by the way. He’d flip.”

“I’d pay to see that,” Bev muttered, obviously visualizing Eddie’s inevitable chicken meltdown.

Richie turned to look at Beverly after she spoke, cogs obviously turning in his head. “What about you, Bevvy? Any grand ideas for what is now apparently my crowdsourced seduction of Eds Kaspbrak?”

“Bevvy has nothing,” Bev said solemnly, opening her arms and closing her eyes. “Bevvy was clever enough to land the perfect guy without having to resort to cheap tactics.”

Richie flipped her off with both hands, and Ben crossed to her to hug her from behind, beaming.

“I have a thought,” Ben said, smiling into Bev’s hair.

“Yes?” Richie crossed his arms.

“Beverly doesn’t have a suggestion…” Ben trailed off, eyes glinting, “…but Benverly does.”

“I’m listening,” said Richie, narrowing his eyes.

—-

Ben had wooed Beverly by way of a little haiku-esque poem, and so his advice to Richie was, predictably, to put together some sort of piece of writing for Eddie.

Stan knew right away that this plan was destined to fail, but he kept his mouth shut and let Richie try, not wanting to become the advice-giver again. The strategy was good, all in all, but for it to be effective Richie would have to be…less Richie, which was impossible.

A week after the bouquet, Richie joined the Losers in their before-school spot wearing a nice, collared shirt (buttoned all the way up, so no one could see the graphic tee underneath) and a pair of khakis that was slightly less wrinkled than Stan expected from him. He had obviously attempted to comb down his wild curls - attempted being the keyword. It wasn’t a look that suited Richie at all, but he was almost endearing, Stan thought, just by virtue of his obvious effort. (Almost.)

When Eddie arrived a minute later, he just about tripped over his own two feet gawking at Richie.

“Did Stan let you borrow clothes, or what?” he asked, staring unabashedly at the buttons on Richie’s shirt.

Stan resented that, and was about to tell Eddie so, but Richie was pulling a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket, so he held himself back.

“Eds,” he began, pulling at the collar of his shirt. “Spaghetti-o.”

Eddie buried his hands in his hair, pulling nervously. “What is happening.”

“Your freckles are like constellations,” Richie began. He was playing it off like he wasn’t nervous, but there was a telltale shakiness to his voice. “They trail up to the galaxies of your eyes….”

Stan couldn’t help but be impressed. Almost a whole line in, and Richie hadn’t mentioned Eddie’s mom once.

Eddie was less enthused. “I’m really fucking tired of being the butt of your jokes, Richie.”

“It’s not a joke,” Richie explained exasperatedly.

“And my mom isn’t the biggest bitch in Derry,” Eddie jeered, fed up. “Let’s just go to class, okay? Mike, did you understand the statistics homework?”

Mike looked defeatedly around at the other Losers, and then joined Eddie in walking back towards the school building. Once they were far enough away, Richie threw his poem in the air in frustration.

“If it helps, I thought you were off to a good start,” Stan offered.

“It doesn’t help,” Richie grumbled.

Ben looked perturbed. “I really thought he’d go for that. We took all references to Richie’s dick out of it and everything.”

Ah. So Ben had a hand in the creation of the poem. The sweetness of it suddenly made sense.

“Looks like it’s on you, now, Denbrough,” Bev said, looking expectantly at Bill. Bill swallowed hard, and Stan rolled his eyes. If Bill couldn’t figure out that Stan had been flirting with him for the past three years, he wouldn’t be able to help Richie.

“I could p-probably suggest something,” Bill said meekly, and it was all Stan could do not to bang his head into the nearby telephone pole.

—-

“I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again,” Stan hissed, “Bill’s advice is garbage, and this is a disaster.”

Bill Denbrough, literary genius that he was, was absolutely horrible at romantic suggestions. He had reminded Richie that Eddie had a sweet tooth, and had advised him to make cookies for Eddie as a gift (and as a kind-of apology for the last two disastrous attempts at flirting).

So far, Richie had burnt two batches, and the batter consistency of the third was…alarming, to say the least. He’d called Stan in a panic some twenty minutes ago, and Stan had pedaled over in a huff, cursing Bill Denbrough’s name.

“You’re the one that said it would be a good idea to ask the other Losers how to go about doing this!” Richie retorted, gesticulating wildly with a cup of flour and then groaning as most of the flour flew out of the cup and on to the floor.

“Yes, I did say that, but I didn’t think you were going to be a dumbass!” Stan went for the broom and dustpan, feeling the beginnings of a headache coming on.

“You didn’t?! Come on, dude.” Richie leaned on the counter, took off his glasses, and rubbed at his eyes. “You call me a dumbass, like, every day.”

“Yes, and I mean it, and this time I mean it about the rest of our friends, too. And Eddie. Dumbasses, all.” Stan swept the flour neatly into the dustbin, scowling. “Just tell him how you feel. The hokey tactics that everyone is suggesting are terrible. Ask each other out pointblank, for fuck’s sake.”

“Ask who out?” A high-pitched, familiar voice sounded from the doorway, and Richie whipped around so fast Stan was a little worried that he’d break something (probably himself).

“Eds?” Richie panicked and headed for the trash can, seemingly to try and block Eddie from seeing its contents. “Uh, what?”

“Bev said she thought she could see smoke coming from your house, so she sent me over to check,” Eddie said, and Stan silently thanked Bev for trying to be proactive about shutting down Bill’s stupid cookie plot. “Who are you asking out, Richie?”

Stan could all but see the ‘your mom’ that was racing to make its way out of Richie’s mouth. Fortunately, he was standing close enough to remedy it. He kicked at Richie’s ankle, and when Richie looked over at him, he gave him a significant look, hoping that that would be enough for Richie to remember what they had just been talking about.

Richie nodded, and took a deep breath. “I, um, have something to tell you, Eds, and, uh, you might not like it–”

“Is it that you like me?” Eddie asked nonchalantly. “Because I know that.”

Richie gaped. “Say what now?”

“I’m not stupid.” Eddie shrugged and peered past Richie, trying to discern what was in the trash can. “You’ve been acting weird for a while, and then you started dressing differently and bringing in weird stuff for me. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together.”

“And you’re not mad?” Richie asked weakly.

“Nah.” Eddie stuck his hands in his pockets. “With the poem, I was just mad you were trying to pull that shit in public.”

“And the flowers?”

Eddie fixed Richie with a look. “If you can call them that, you mean.”

“All right, all right, fine.” Richie’s ears went red. “But…Christ, Eddie, why didn’t you tell me?”

Eddie smiled. “I kind of wanted to see what you’d do.” He paused, examining Richie’s face. “I like you too, by the way…even if you did burn a fuckton of cookies today.”

“Oh,” Richie blurted, grabbing his glasses from off of the counter. “Um. Can I kiss you?”

“Wait until I leave, for the love of God,” Stan begged, jolting up from where he had been leaning on the counter.

Richie and Eddie both jumped. They’d obviously forgotten that Stan was still there.

“Looks like your advice was the best after all, Stanny Boy,” Richie grinned after a moment, sliding closer to Eddie and throwing his arm around Eddie’s shoulders. “I was right the first time about which Loser to listen to.”

“Was Stan’s advice to just cut the crap and go for it?” Eddie asked. Richie nodded, and Stan rolled his eyes. They made him sound so ineloquent.

“He always tells it like it is,” Richie said fondly.

“He is truly the best of us,” Eddie agreed. “Now if you don’t mind, Stanley, you absolute gem of a human…get out of here so I can make out with Richie against this disaster zone of a counter.”

“With pleasure,” Stan said, all but bolting out of the door.

He was smiling, though, in spite of everything.

Maybe he was a little romantic, after all.

—-

(And even though he still thought that the other Losers had hokey romantic tactics, when he received a bouquet of flowers from one anonymous admirer and a batch of cookies from another, he couldn’t help but feel warm inside.)

[sparkknightella]

One and Only (pt1)

here’s my beverly fic! finally got it typed n shit!

OK quick run down: Takes place in the 80′s, going off canon, so Pennywise happened but they’re already forgetting. Haven’t decided if Georgie lives or not hAHA.

summary: Ben is in love. His best friends are tired of his pining and give him an idea. Boy does it go well.

word count: 1531 

———–

Ben knew he couldn’t deny that he was absolutely in love. His heart would race, he thought his lungs were collapsing, his stomach was a butterfly garden. He also couldn’t deny the burning in his heart anytime he saw Beverly with any guy he did not know.

Rumor had it that Beverly was talking to a couple guys on the football team and it angered Ben to no end. He knew he had no right to be, he’d never told Bev anything about how he felt.

He walked over to Mike, Bill, and Stan and plopped down on their bench. Beverly was sitting on the steps of the school with the two football players she was rumored to be sleeping with. Ben knew he didn’t shine a light in comparison but deep down he hoped she’d see him and leave them.

“Why not just tell her how you feel? You’ve been best friends forever, I’m sure she won’t really care.” Stan nudged Ben’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Are you crazy? It’d ruin the dynamic of our friendship! Not to mention what it’d do to the group.”

Stan sighed and shook his head. “Whatever you say, haysta-“

“Ben did she ever figure out that you wrote her that postcard, did she?”

“Postcard?”

“Your hair is winter fire…” Mike started.

“January embers…” Stan fake swooned.

“Muh-muh-my heart b-burns there tuh-too.” Bill finished and the three began cracking up. Ben blushed at their dramatic rendition of his poem.

“No, she never found out it was me.”

“What if your sent her cards again? Woo her with your words and she won’t care who you are.” Mike always had the best ideas, though Ben wasn’t sure he was a fan of this one.

“What if she knows it’s me?”

“She won’t.”

Ben knew this was true. Bev was beautiful and funny and clever in a lot of ways, but she didn’t pay attention to details like her friend’s handwriting or who sent her a love note when they were ten.

He hadn’t seen Stan sit up but looked up to find Stan’s face in his own. “Ben, I know you’re going to have some bullshit excuse as to why you can’t send stuff to Bev, but that’s the cutest goddamn thing ever.” Stan leaned backwards, laying himself back into Bill’s arms. “If you don’t do it, I will.”

“She’ll know it’s me, she copies my notes all the time.”

“You don’t have any classes with her.” Bill pointed his sandwich at Ben.

“Shut up!”

The other boys started cracking up and Ben felt his face flushing again. “I’m serious!”

Mike stopped laughing and looked at ben. “She won’t know it’s you, don’t worry.”

“How do you know?”

“Same way I always know, I just know.”

Ben glared and took a sip from his water. “Fine.”

-

“What’s the plan, haystack?” Stan was leaning on Bill, whose face was buried in Stan’s neck. It was cute but Ben wished they’d stop being so in love and help him out.

“You two are going to buy four post cards. The best ones you can find.” Stan looked he wanted to ask something. “No birds, Stanley. No matter how rare or beautiful they are.”

The question died in Stan’s throat and he looked clearly upset. Bill tugged his hand and kissed Stan’s cheek lightly.

“We’ve got it, Ben.” He got on Silver and waited for Stan to get on. They rode off in the direction of town and Ben heard a faint “Hi-yo silver away!”

Mike and Ben smiled. “Okay, you and I are going to the Barrens.”

“Why?” Mike didn’t sound upset, he was just curious.

“Bev knows every plant that grows down there. And it’s the Losers Club’s unofficial spot. It’s giving her a clue without really giving her a clue.”

Mike nodded, clearly proud of how much thought Ben was putting into this. He got on his bike. “Let’s do this.”

Mike and Ben joked and laughed all the way to the Barrens. Their friendship was easy and soothing. The other “Losers” were actually quite popular. Ben and Mike were often overlooked in favor of Pretty Boys Stan and Bill or Mom Friend Eddie or Class Clown Richie or goddess on Earth Beverly Marsh.

They didn’t mind though. They had each other and that’s all that mattered.

“Okay, we’re looking for any kind of flower.”

Mike pointed. “I’ll search fifty yards this way, you search over there. If we see anything, just yell?”

Ben nodded and they went their separate ways.

He watched the ground, but was nonstop thinking about Beverly. The way her hair shone in the sun, the way she reminded Ben of the sun. Her smile when Richie and Eddie would argue playfully or the way Stan and Bill always had to be touching. How she liked her popcorn slightly burnt to add more flavor and how she never ever had to pay for a pack of cigs. Beverly Marsh truly was the great love of Ben’s life and he hoped one day he’d be hers.

“Ben!” Mike’s voice sounded far away. “Ben! Come here, I think I found something!”

Ben jogged in the direction of Mike’s voice. Mike held open a trapdoor, the smell of smoke wafted up from the hole.

“Holy shit, it’s-“

“The smokehole.” Mike finished. They looked down at the now-rotting wood of what was supposed to be their clubhouse. “I didn’t call you over for a trip down memory lane, look.” Mike pointed to the ground inside.

Ben peeked over, his heart racing as if he were afraid, but he had no reason to be afraid. He opened his eyes slowly as if expecting something

(someone)

to be looking back up at him.

A single poppy had bloomed in what was once their fire pit.

They slowly climbed in, wary of something though neither could remember what. Ben picked the flower with delicate fingers.

Mike was shaking his head. “It’s like it was-“

“Meant for us.” Ben agreed.

Mike smiled as they climbed out. “Mission accomplished.”

-

Ben picked up the now-pressed flower and taped it to the postcard Stan and Bill bought.

“Pen.” He stuck his hand out like a surgeon.

“Pen.” Mike turned to Bill.

“Pen.” Bill turned to Stan.

“Pen.” Stan placed the pen in Bill’s hand and it made its way back down the line until it was in Ben’s palm.

He put the pen to paper, paused, sighed, panicked, and felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder.

“You’ve got this.” Mike sounded so sure that Ben’s anxieties melted away.

He nodded and put the pen back to paper. He felt his friends lean over to see what Ben wrote.

           Girl, I want to be your one and only.

-Secret Admirer

The other boys started clapping. Stan neatly placed the stamp in the corner and hugged Ben.

“She’s guh-going to love it.”

Ben smiled. “I know.”

-

“Mike explained the whole situation and I am demanding to see this postcard.”

Eddie stood in front of Ben in their homeroom, arms crossed. Ben shushed him and made sure Richie wasn’t around. “Does Richie know? Richie will ruin everything I’m planning.”

Eddie shook his head. “No, we know Richie can’t keep a secret.”

“Exactly. I’m mailing it today, we can go to my house together after school and you can see it.” Ben smiled, trying to cover up how nervous he truly was.

“I’m sure she’s going to love it and fall for you, stop freaking out.”

Ben smiled. “Thanks, Eddie, that’s real helpful.”

They laughed. “Seriously, it’s going to go just as planned.”

-

The final bell rang and Ben waited for Eddie at the school’s front door. Eddie ran out and got on his bike.

“Ben, we have to go now, Richie’s been chasing me since the bell rang ‘cause he “knows I’m keeping something from him”. I lost him in the bathroom, but we need to go now.”

Ben got on his bike and they rode off.

“So, four postcards to win the girl over?”

“Four postcards until I’m the love of her life.” Ben paused. “Hopefully.”

Eddie laughed and started walking up the steps to Ben’s house. “So, what are the cards going to say?”

“You’ll see as they get written. Can’t spoil anything considering the fact that the second Richie finds you, he’s going to force you to ‘fess up.”

Eddie pouted but he didn’t push it because he knew it was true.

Ben walked into his room and pulled out the postcard, handing it to Eddie he started walking towards the kitchen.

“Want anything to drink? I’m going to cut up some apples and dip them in peanut butter.”

“A water would be great!” Eddie called. “Also, this is the cutest thing in the world! If she doesn’t snatch you up I will.”

-

Ben stood in front of the post office, heart racing, face sweating, hands shaking. He was reconsidering sending this stupid letter. Even as he thought about all the consequences and how horribly wrong it could go, his arm reached forwards and slipped it into the outgoing mail slot.

He sighed. “Here goes nothing.”

——

!!! what’d ya think? please give me some feedback and lmk if you want more!

[ramrodd]

What do you think of the following statement:  If Trump said chickens could plow they would be out in the field hitching them up?

COMMENTARY:

Of course, they’d hitch up the hens and put the rooster in the lead position and tell’em “Giddy-UP” and gee and haw their way around their trailer park flower beds until the chickens either learnet to enjoy plowing in trace or dropped dead.

You are dealing with really stupid people who have the right to vote because they have birth cirtificates that assures the republican authorities that they are eligible by species to vote. And the really clever pick of the litter in every generation Newt Gingrich has gone out of his way to recruit as glorified telemarketers elected to promote Steve Bannon’s Free Market Fascism and to blow up America like John Galt and/or Earl Turner. These are the same stupid people who put their hearts and souls into the southern rebellion led by the same greedy people who were making too much money from slavery to kick the habit. They are still running things in all the Red States as Jeff Davis in Richmond VA.

There is no question in my mind that Trump said exactly what he said about the military. He is typical of the Copperhead wing of the GOP. They really don’t belong to anybody except as honary members of Galt’s Gang, alleged libertarians who devise a personal system of values based on an infinitely small point of law or western ethics that justifiees their avarice, selfishness and, in the case of the Copperheads, political treachery. These are the people Newt Gingrich recruited as pawns in his political strategy to make him Speaker of the House and, currently, to re-elect Trump.

Every Republican but Mitt Romney in Congress falls into this category. Tim Scott is like J.C. Watts, Herman Caine, Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas, an equal opportunity bigot and actually belongs in the adult leadership of the GOP with Mitt Romney: they are authentic Conservatives in close to the Juan Williams mold of Conservative: Juan Williams has always been a BLM Conservative, which is why the Koch bothers threatened to withhold their grants to PBS unless Diane Rehm fired his ass from WAMU for being uppity.

In Indiana, when I was growing up, there were Lugar-Will Rogers Repubicans and Lee Hamilton-Walter Ruether Democrats and Dan Burton-Henry Cabot Lodge-KKK-Copperheads, the people who vetoed the League of Nations and largely had other priorites than military service during WWII, which might have been avoided if the League of Nations had been ratified. Dan Burton Copperheads are all in for the Military Industrial Complex and, like Marxist, consider lethal conflict to be a natural feature of capitalism. They all believe, like Trump, that people are suckers and losers to enlist in the US military and that a military career is like being a counselor in a summer camp that you do before you grow up and get a real job.

And that’s who Newty recruited to fill up the Republican Study Group and the House Freedom Caucus in order to advance his agenda of political treason and economic coup. Gingrich’s axiomatic discription of his political strategy, “Politics is the continuation of war” is Trotsky’s formular for violent revolution he, Trotsky, was teaching in Mexico when he was killed. Castro’s Cuba was one legacy of Trotsky’s evangelism and Newty has been using this formula to gain power since he went into poltics during the 70s.

Newty claims he adopted the political strategy of the anti-war movement, which is partially true, as the model for his political strategy. Newty and I are both Army brats and, at the time we were growing up, Counter-Insurgency was the sexy career path for West Point graduates, especially before JKF was killed. I had read Petreaus’s core bibliography for his CO-IN manual before I graduated from high school and I had a ring side seat to the cultural revolution on campus without belonging to either the liberal fascism of the anti-war draft dodgers or the conservative fascism of the pro-war draft dodgers (who were, essentially, the rising generation of Dan Burton Copperheads).

And they are all, basically, the paradox of the very clever and dumber than a box of rocks small town white businessman and/or politician. Like Mike Pence. People who avoided the draft during the 60s and were the corporate gate keepers when combat vets came looking for work after killing the Viet Cong for Christ.

Their attitude, the people Newty recurited, was that, if you were too stupid to avoid military service, it didn’t make much sense to put you on the pay roll unless you were a rabid ammosexual and/or a Tom Cotton wannabe (Tom Cotton isn’t anything new, either: I was scared out of a military career by a senior officer my dad’s age and rank with the same crypto-Nazi cognitive organization as Tom Cotton and Mike Pompeo and represent another catogory of Conservative Copperhead.

Trump is just like all these guys. As I say, they are a paradox: they usually have very strong practical talents in business and management and not necessarily authoritarian, but their horizons generally stop at the end of their peckers in predictable ways. Trump’s attitude about the military is one typical variation. They didn’t want to be held accountable by the League of Nations and they were perfectly happy becoming filthy rich and locally powerful from equiping the sacrifice of American citizen soldiers and feeling nobel in the process: the Arsenal of Democracy and all the rest. Trump really believes he’s a patriot in spite of the fact that he committed treason with his Moscow partners in the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant to get elected and hopes to do it again.

Putin has nothing to do with it. For Trump, business is business and treason is just another tool in his lie, cheat and steal “Art of the Deal” crime family business model. And, by and large, the Dan Burton Copperheads don’t have any problem with the practice: it’s nothing personal, Uncle Sam: it’s just business.

And all these Dan Burton Copperheads are the people who supply the harnesses for chicken plowing, partially because they don’t know any better, themselves, but recognize an emerging market when it surfaces.

For various reasons, the military has been content to allow themselves to be pulled around by their collective peckers by these people, the Dan Burton Copperheads, because they, the military, sustain the misapprehension that what “Honor” means to them means the same to crime family businessmen, like Don Corleone. And it doesn’t. And they, the active military, have been voting for Don Corleone “Honor” since at least the Democrats failed to finance the last death throes of the Republic of Vietnam on basically they same justification that Moscow Mitch is holding up Speaker Pelois’s $3.5 trillion capital budget for stopping COVID-19 in its tracks in 90 days and bringing the Green New Deal up to speed in 18 months.

Because, in the final analysis, as clever as the Dan Burton Copperheads like Moscow Mitch are in running a family bucket shop, they are dumber than dog shit when it comes to plowing with chickens.

[beevean]

So what are your overall thoughts on Forces storywise? Positives and negatives? Where do you think the story ranks in the series?

Maybe it’ll be easier to just list positives and negatives (warning: long post):

Positives:

- Even by watching a low-quality stream of the Switch version, I can say the game looks gorgeous. It does suffer a bit from the Adventure 2 syndrome, where the art direction can bet too dull for you to appreciate the graphics, but some stages are breathtaking. Egg Gate in particular looks amazing.

- While the plot on its own doesn’t belong in this section, I appreciate the simple fact that they actually dared to break from the lighter and softer approach that’s been going on since 2010, and the fact that they remembered that the cast isn’t just made of Sonic, Tails, Eggman, Orbot and Cubot. The concept was awesome! The tone was perfect, serious but not depressing and too try-hard! There was some action! It’s a step in the right direction, and I hope people will criticize the plot for the right reasons and not because “lol sonic shouldn’t try to be edgy”.

- Shadow will be playable. Even if he’s at his core “Sonic with a OP Light Speed attack” this is very important.

- While at first I was annoyed at seeing old levels again, I’m actually happy with what they’ve done. They’re not just rehashes, they’re treated like actual dynamic environments. Green Hill is not just “hey remember this level”, it’s a place dear to Sonic that was ruined by Eggman. Chemical Plant is also ruined and repurposed as a space port, almost like a Sonic CD Bad Future. Only the Death Egg is pretty much the same, although I admit, the Classic level using the same gimmicks as the S3&K version was a nice touch that I forgave because it made sense in-universe.

- The dialogue! Aside from a couple of stupid lines, mostly by Sonic, there was no trace of childish, jarring humor, nobody was OOC or treated as simple comic reliefs, and the interactions between characters were genuine and believable. Some parts kinda reminded me of the Boom cartoon. “See, Infinite, now we het to know each other! So what’s your favorite color? Do you enjoy long, romantic walks on the beach? What’s the source of your powers? You can skip the first two questions if you like” “Maybe he’ll have more friends if he stopped talking about himself in the third person.” (maybe I just have a bad sense of humor idk :V)

- Eggman and Knuckles were perfect. We didn’t see them a lot, but their characterization was on point. Knuckles was just full of charisma and he radiated confidence, a far cry from the butt monkey he’s been since Sonic X. And Eggman was actually smart, with some clever ideas like having backup sources for the Phantom Ruby, rightfully chewing out Infinite for not killing Sonic, and… well, we didn’t see it, but I like the idea of him keeping Sonic alive in his cell just so he could see what happened to the world thanks to his absence (that’s perfect fanfic fuel). And Mike Pollock managed to sound badass in certain parts. “The sun will fall upon you. Boom! The end. Your pathetic lives… are over.”

- Speaking of Pollock, the voice acting was some of the best in the games this far. I can count on a single hand the times someone sounded fake or unconvincing (mostly Silver, sadly, and Sonic was a bit oscillating). I think I gushed about Liam O’ Brien enough, he clearly had so much fun with Infinite. I can’t wait to hear the Japanese version

- And finally I love Infinite way more than I should. His design, his voice (especially his voice

- I like that thing Infinite did in Capital City. You know, when he mind raped everyone in the city by conjuring those abominations of nature. That was a clever use of his powers.

- The last shot of the game, with the Resistance hideout shining under the sun’s light and a single flower at the center, with the instrumental version of the credits’ song in the background, is honestly moving. Even after the huge disappointment that was the ending, this part made me feel satisfied and like I accomplished something (and I didn’t even play myself). It reminds me of Wiosna from Katawa Shoujo, and if you played it you know how it feels to hear that music after finishing a route.

Neutral:

- The scrapping of lives. I’ve seen people complaining that it makes the game too easy, but

1) there’s still some punishment if you lose a life, just like in Unleashed the timer doesn’t reset and of course you lose all your Rings, so if you die you can kiss that S rank goodbye;

2) lives have been pointless since the introduction of save files. Let’s be honest, when was the last time you got a game over in a game that saved your progress? And what was the punishment for a game over? At worst you just have to restart the level you died in.

So while I’m not particularly happy, I’m not disappointed either and I welcome the change.

- The music. I put it here because it’s kind of a mixed bag, there are tracks that I hate with a passion and tracks that I can’t get enough of (and I’ve only heard a tiny fraction of the whole OST). So overall I would say it’s average-to-good. 

I really wonder why they’re insisting of forcing Ohtani to compose whole soundtracks - the guy is seriously talented and I admire his work, but why can’t he be helped by someone else? I know Kenichi Tokoi and Naofumi Hataya also worked on the soundtrack, but afaik their roles are minimal.

- The Avatar himself. I’d enjoy the idea a lot more if 1) they talked, and 2) the characters stopped shilling them just a tiny bit, especially since everyone else was relegated to the background. Still, the concept of a muggle wanting to help the heroes is cool, as it goes against that sort of “elitism” in the Sonic series. And I just grew too attached to Gadget the Wolf :)

- The level design, the thing people trashed for months on end… it’s okay. Is it good as Generations’? Absolutely not. Is it bad? I don’t think so, because when I think “bad level design”, I think of Knuckles’ Chaotix and Sonic CD. 

Forces is inoffensive in this regard. On one hand, it’s not as linear as it looked like, there are multiple paths and some nice platforming sections. On the other, the 3D parts are few, short and in general not that engaging, and yes, Classic Sonic’s stages are supported by too much automation because the physics engine can’t handle him apparently. In short, if you’re okay with shallow fun and you thought Colors was fine, then you’ll be okay with Forces. (and while we’re not supposed to judge the developers as people, considering the level designers were all newbies I’d say they did a good job)

Negatives:

- the fact that you can’t recollect your rings unless you’re playing as the hedgehog Avatar. That just flies against the very core of the Rings concept.

- The sheer lack of “show, don’t tell”. Most of this game is just told, in fact most part of the plot is told via walkie talkie convos. The majority of the cast is just there to comment and guide the characters during the levels, only Silver is shown actually doing something. The most offensive example is how Eggman conquering the world is “shown” by a simple text box (people are already speculating it’s another sign of troubled production). And we don’t even see that much of the conquered world, either, aside from City (no seriously that’s the name of the area).

- What happened to you, Tails? What happened to the boy who wanted to be more than Sonic’s sidekick? Why the mere sight of Chaos 0 sends you into a panic when you fought Chaos 4 before? Why thinking Sonic is dead makes you “lose it”, when the same thing happened twice already (or once, if you want to discard ‘06) and in both cases you were devastated but still managed to kick ass? Why are you just an exposition fairy? Who hates you that much in the writers’ team? :(

- THE. RUSHING. Oh my god I could rant for hours about how the game not only is too fast-paced, but outright misses chunkes. I already mentioned the text box part, but what about the part where Infinite sends Sonic and the Avatar into null space… and they get out of there in literally ten seconds? What about Fake!Chaos and Fake!Shadow being dispatched like that, without even the simples of boss fights? What about Silver, Shadow and Omega just appearing out of nowhere? What about the “fake sun” plan being thwarted simply by the Avatar after less than ten minutes? What about the relentless teasing of Infinite’s origins, all culminating in a big fat nothing (he didn’t even take off his mask for fuck sake)? What about Eggman just vanishing after the final boss? What about the fact that two thirds of the final boss are rehashes, and at this point I’m seriously insulted by seeing Egg Nega Wisp for the third time?

- Going hand-to-hand with the rushed plot, the wasted potential. Sonic gets tortured in isolation, so you’d expect some consequences to his characterization. Nope! Not even a reveal that he was just hiding his fear by acting tough. Why are Shadow, Chaos and Zavok on Eggman’s side? Lol, they were just illusions, the real Shadow is fine and the others just don’t appear. All the cool hints about a tragic past for Infinite in his own song? Nothing mentioned in-game. He’s an experiment, that’s it. The connection with Mania? Just an excuse to justify the presence of Classic Sonic, whose only purpose in the plot is to snap Tails out of his depression. This game is just begging, “Rewrite me, please!”, and if I could write decently I’d do it myself, I’m that disappointed.

- What’s the deal with Aqua Road? It’s the only gimmick level in the game and it looks like the unholy child of those horrible bingo tables in Bingo Highway and this part in Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban for PC.

- Very minor, but if Eggman could see the fake sun, that means he would’ve been incinerated too. Considering how smart he was otherwise, that seems like a huge hole in his plan.

That’s everything I can think of. So, in conclusion, the game is generally good but overall mixed, and I dread the coming of November 7th because I can’t even imagine the kind of reception this game will get (and since it’ll come right after Super Mario Odyssey I don’t think it will sell well :\). 

I would personally play it if I had the chance because the game doesn’t look broken, boring or frustrating, and if I can manage to have fun with ShTH Forces will definitely be entertaining :V but it’s clear something went seriously wrong during the production and it feels like there are bits of the game missing, bits that could’ve elevated the quality from “good” to “excellent” - which is also why I hope Sonic Team doesn’t throw everything away but keeps the good parts and expands on them to create an even better game next time.

So if you’re planning on getting Forces, ask yourself what do you want to see in a Sonic game, because that’s the thing that makes the difference between “it’s not perfect but I can have fun with this” and “this game is absolute trash and Sonic doesn’t deserve this”.

[ralphmorgan-blog1]

Family Sends The Most Awkward Christmas Cards For 15 Years, And Its Too Funny

If you think you’ve already seen the funniest family Christmas card of the season, think again. Every year since 2003, the Bergeron family has been ringing in the holidays by producing the most clever and hilarious greeting cards we’ve ever seen, and just like the snow outside, they’re showing no signs of stopping.

Mike Bergeron, his wife Laura, and their two daughters known online as ‘Gigi’ and ‘Juju’ have made an annual tradition out of the refreshingly original photoshoots, and each December, they choose a new knee-slapping theme. Whether they draw on pop culture, local culture, or embarrassingly awkward family cards of yore, they always seem to pull it off as a team. Special credit is due, of course, to the JC Penney Portrait Studio, which has seen them all the way from ‘white trash Christmas’ to a full drag ensemble.

Scroll down to take in each joyful edition for yourself, read the stories behind them in Mike Bergeron’s own words, and tell us which ones sent you into a fit of jolly laughter in the comments.

2003, Forty & Fighting It

Our first card! The original concept was “Plugs & Juggs”, but we had to choose this photo because of the priceless facial expressions, even though you can’t see Laura’s overly-augmented rack. Thus, we call this “Forty & Fighting It”. The photographer tried to move the light away from overhead and I had to ask her to shine it directly down on me – she didn’t know how to tell me that it was reflecting off of my head and making me look like I was balding. Finally, I just told her that the balding look was what I was after. She had no idea that we were dressed up in costumes!

2004, We’re Dreaming of a White Trash Xmas

When I went to the JC Penney Portrait Studio to pick-up our cards, they were very busy with the holiday rush and the manager (who was also the cashier) was clearly stressed-out, answering phones, organizing photo sittings, delegating to her employees and systematically trying to work through the line at the cash register. After patiently waiting for about 10 minutes, it was my turn to be helped and she immediately went into sales mode, taking control of the transaction and regurgitating her customer service talk track in a frenzy, multitasking all-the-while, mind you, and not able to really give me her full attention. Her – “Welcome to JC Penney Portrait Studio, how can I help you today, sir?” Me – “I’m here to pick-up my Christmas cards.” Her – “Okay, what is your last name?” Me – “It’s Bergeron, but I have my receipt right here, if that helps.” Her – “Okay, thank you. Give me just a moment while I get your order. Sir, it appears they accidentally printed an 8×10, which is usually $19.99, but we’ll let you have it for $5, since it was our mistake.” Me – “No thanks.” Her – “Okay…well, I see that your wife is pregnant…I hope you will be coming back to JC Penney to take your baby pictures.” Me (smiling at the realization that she doesn’t get the joke) – “Actually, she’s not really pregnant…and if she was, I wouldn’t let her drink beer or smoke cigarettes…and, as you can see, I don’t really have a mullet. Its a joke card.” In the midst of what was utter chaos for her at that moment, she just sort of stared at me in bewilderment as the cashier next to her stopped what he was doing, leaned over to look at the card and said to me with pure and utter excitement, “Dude, that’s awesome!” Me – “Thanks. Merry Christmas!” As I took my cards and walked away, the manager stood there in absolute confusion, her brain apparently frozen with the realization that her sales training had failed to prepare her for this situation.

2005, Your Aunt & Uncle Who Live in the Midwest

Being a Bergeron, I have always known that I would eventually lose my hair. We are trained from birth to accept the fact that someday our hair will fall out. At the age of 32, it was apparent to me that my days were numbered and if I wanted to make fun of being bald, then this would likely be my last chance before the joke would become reality. So, on the afternoon of the photo shoot, I had Laura shave the hair off of the top of my head…and I’ve been bald ever since. The thing is, I had to walk around with a bald head for a couple of weeks while the holiday card was processing and shipping, but I didn’t want to give anyone any hints about what the card might be. So, when people would ask me why I suddenly shaved all of the hair off of my head, I would give them some made-up excuse like, “I joined a cult” or, “I’m a racist” or, “Chicks really seem to like that Vin Diesel guy, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” Incidentally, one of the other excuses I would give was, “I’m a competitive swimmer and I wanted to shave some time off my laps.” A few years later, I was bartending and my friend Kristine came in with one of her girlfriends. We chatted a bit and I mixed them up some special shots and then Kristine got up to go to the restroom and her friend says to me, “So, Kristine tells me you’re a swimmer.” Now the question is: How many people are out there who still believe I really joined a cult?

2006, A Very Special Xmas

A couple of years before we started this tradition, my friend, Jeremy, worked during the holidays in a photo studio.  If he thought that a family portrait was particularly funny, he would print a copy for himself and put it on display in his living room.  They were all awkward and wonderful in their own way, but there was one photo in particular that was so delightfully goofy and uncomfortable that it has always stuck with me.  This card is an effort to recreate the magic of that card.  I’ll be the first to admit that we fall terribly short, but I think it still manages to bring some joy to the holiday season!

2007, American Gothic Xmas

Overshadowed by controversy, some “purists” have accused us of cheating with this particular card because we Photoshopped it.  For those who love it, thanks…we love you, too. For those who feel we cheated…look, we actually dressed-up in costumes and took a photograph for this card (we even bought a pitchfork!). However, since the original work was done with paint on canvas and did not look like a real-life photo, we felt it would be a better choice to manipulate our photo to look like the painting. Since neither Laura nor I are graphic designers, it was quite difficult and time-consuming, but we are very pleased with the way it came out. Anyone who thinks we took the easy way out on this one is simply oblivious to the effort it required. By the way, this was Laura’s departed grandmother’s favorite out of all of our cards. Oh, and for those of you who have suggested that the guy looks nothing like me, just wait until my relatives on my dad’s side view this post and they all chime-in about how I look exactly like my Grandpa Bergeron. In short, suck it, haters!

2008, Merry Krishnas

We got started a little late this year, which meant that when we went to JC Penney to take our picture, there was a one hour wait. We walked through the mall and wound up eating dinner in the food court. I only wish that we had brought flowers.

2009, Los Cholos

This is my personal favorite. Some cards are obviously a joke, but when a card looks as real as this one, it is something special. Again, on this particular year, we weren’t able to take the picture until after Thanksgiving, so the JC Penney photo studio was very busy and we had to wait for an hour to get in. Understandably so, Laura was nervous about walking around the Westminster Mall looking like we did, but I reassured her by saying, “Seriously? Look at us…nobody is going to fuck with us!” I was right…not a single person would even make eye contact with us.

2010, Olin Mills Family Portrait from 1981

May your holiday table be a smorgasbord of cheese balls, fruitcakes, and hams!  In many ways, this card best represents what we were trying to achieve from the very beginning. Our concept was inspired by the inherently awkward nature of holiday family photos that has now become so popular in the age of the internet. We wanted to try to capture that awkwardness (in a next level sort of way) and give everyone we know the gift of having a funny card on their fridge that would capture the spirit of the holiday season. When they had people over to their house during the holidays, they could take pleasure in seeing their guests’ reactions upon viewing the card without realizing it was a joke. On a side note, as a bald man who has known his entire life that he would grow up to be bald, it had been a longtime aspiration of mine to sport a combover at some point because they are so fascinating in their ridiculousness! So, this particular card allowed me to not only fulfill a lifelong dream, but also to capture it in all of its glory for the ages.

2011, The Unibrows

I love the idea for this picture, but personally, I think it could’ve been better executed. Don’t get me wrong, we look funny & Gigi really gives the card a whole other dynamic with her incredible cuteness, but I think this concept had the potential to be our best card ever, if we had done it right.

2012, Goth Xmas

This is your legacy, girls…embrace it!

2013, Jazz Hands

Sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle :)  Look at Laura…bringing it! Look at Gigi…bringing it! Look at Juju…well, protesting (at least she’s consistent). I am truly blessed.

2014, The Holidays Are Such a Drag

I doubt if anyone at the JC Penney Portrait Studio even thought twice about Laura and the girls, but it was a pretty busy year and we were waiting for about 45 minutes for the photographer to be available, so I am certain that my presence made a lot of people uncomfortable in the studio’s waiting area. I had to hunt high and low for shoes that would fit me (thanks Lane Bryant) and, of course, I shaved my legs, so you can imagine how excited I was that we wound up choosing a shot from the waist up. And, seriously, how friggin’ cute are those boys? If we had given Gigi glasses, I think she would’ve looked an awful lot like Ralphie!

2015, Les Modèles (AKA Fashionistas, AKA Euro Trash)

His shoes – $850, her shoes – $950, spending your holiday with the Bergerons – priceless.

2016, Cussin Jerry nem

A little over a year ago, Gigi started calling me “Cousin Jerry.” It caught on with her little sister and, after a while, I started talking to them as I imagined Cousin Jerry would. Since then, he has become a regular visitor in our household, so it seemed fitting to share him with all of you this holiday season. If y’all are lucky, you may get to see “Creepy Larry” (another Gigi-inspired character) and his family in a future card…we’ll just have to see. Side note…and I feel like I say this every year, but…look at Gigi bringing it!!!

2017, Gingers in Paradise

We went in a slightly different direction this year, which required stepping out of the JCP Portrait Studio and using a photographer (big thanks to Marco Montenegro) at the local beach. This our nod to the ever-so-popular holiday card theme that says “Look at us soaking up the sun’s rays in a beautiful tropical paradise while you’re freezing your nuts off…don’t you wish you were us?”

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Family Sends The Most Awkward Christmas Cards For 15 Years, And It’s Too Funny

If you think you’ve already seen the funniest family Christmas card of the season, think again. Every year since 2003, the Bergeron family has been ringing in the holidays by producing the most clever and hilarious greeting cards we’ve ever seen, and just like the snow outside, they’re showing no signs of stopping.

Mike Bergeron, his wife Laura, and their two daughters known online as ‘Gigi’ and ‘Juju’ have made an annual tradition out of the refreshingly original photoshoots, and each December, they choose a new knee-slapping theme. Whether they draw on pop culture, local culture, or embarrassingly awkward family cards of yore, they always seem to pull it off as a team. Special credit is due, of course, to the JC Penney Portrait Studio, which has seen them all the way from ‘white trash Christmas’ to a full drag ensemble.

Scroll down to take in each joyful edition for yourself, read the stories behind them in Mike Bergeron’s own words, and tell us which ones sent you into a fit of jolly laughter in the comments.

2003, Forty & Fighting It

Our first card! The original concept was “Plugs & Juggs”, but we had to choose this photo because of the priceless facial expressions, even though you can’t see Laura’s overly-augmented rack. Thus, we call this “Forty & Fighting It”. The photographer tried to move the light away from overhead and I had to ask her to shine it directly down on me – she didn’t know how to tell me that it was reflecting off of my head and making me look like I was balding. Finally, I just told her that the balding look was what I was after. She had no idea that we were dressed up in costumes!

2004, We’re Dreaming of a White Trash Xmas

When I went to the JC Penney Portrait Studio to pick-up our cards, they were very busy with the holiday rush and the manager (who was also the cashier) was clearly stressed-out, answering phones, organizing photo sittings, delegating to her employees and systematically trying to work through the line at the cash register. After patiently waiting for about 10 minutes, it was my turn to be helped and she immediately went into sales mode, taking control of the transaction and regurgitating her customer service talk track in a frenzy, multitasking all-the-while, mind you, and not able to really give me her full attention. Her – “Welcome to JC Penney Portrait Studio, how can I help you today, sir?” Me – “I’m here to pick-up my Christmas cards.” Her – “Okay, what is your last name?” Me – “It’s Bergeron, but I have my receipt right here, if that helps.” Her – “Okay, thank you. Give me just a moment while I get your order. Sir, it appears they accidentally printed an 8×10, which is usually $19.99, but we’ll let you have it for $5, since it was our mistake.” Me – “No thanks.” Her – “Okay…well, I see that your wife is pregnant…I hope you will be coming back to JC Penney to take your baby pictures.” Me (smiling at the realization that she doesn’t get the joke) – “Actually, she’s not really pregnant…and if she was, I wouldn’t let her drink beer or smoke cigarettes…and, as you can see, I don’t really have a mullet. Its a joke card.” In the midst of what was utter chaos for her at that moment, she just sort of stared at me in bewilderment as the cashier next to her stopped what he was doing, leaned over to look at the card and said to me with pure and utter excitement, “Dude, that’s awesome!” Me – “Thanks. Merry Christmas!” As I took my cards and walked away, the manager stood there in absolute confusion, her brain apparently frozen with the realization that her sales training had failed to prepare her for this situation.

2005, Your Aunt & Uncle Who Live in the Midwest

Being a Bergeron, I have always known that I would eventually lose my hair. We are trained from birth to accept the fact that someday our hair will fall out. At the age of 32, it was apparent to me that my days were numbered and if I wanted to make fun of being bald, then this would likely be my last chance before the joke would become reality. So, on the afternoon of the photo shoot, I had Laura shave the hair off of the top of my head…and I’ve been bald ever since. The thing is, I had to walk around with a bald head for a couple of weeks while the holiday card was processing and shipping, but I didn’t want to give anyone any hints about what the card might be. So, when people would ask me why I suddenly shaved all of the hair off of my head, I would give them some made-up excuse like, “I joined a cult” or, “I’m a racist” or, “Chicks really seem to like that Vin Diesel guy, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” Incidentally, one of the other excuses I would give was, “I’m a competitive swimmer and I wanted to shave some time off my laps.” A few years later, I was bartending and my friend Kristine came in with one of her girlfriends. We chatted a bit and I mixed them up some special shots and then Kristine got up to go to the restroom and her friend says to me, “So, Kristine tells me you’re a swimmer.” Now the question is: How many people are out there who still believe I really joined a cult?

2006, A Very Special Xmas

A couple of years before we started this tradition, my friend, Jeremy, worked during the holidays in a photo studio.  If he thought that a family portrait was particularly funny, he would print a copy for himself and put it on display in his living room.  They were all awkward and wonderful in their own way, but there was one photo in particular that was so delightfully goofy and uncomfortable that it has always stuck with me.  This card is an effort to recreate the magic of that card.  I’ll be the first to admit that we fall terribly short, but I think it still manages to bring some joy to the holiday season!

2007, American Gothic Xmas

Overshadowed by controversy, some “purists” have accused us of cheating with this particular card because we Photoshopped it.  For those who love it, thanks…we love you, too. For those who feel we cheated…look, we actually dressed-up in costumes and took a photograph for this card (we even bought a pitchfork!). However, since the original work was done with paint on canvas and did not look like a real-life photo, we felt it would be a better choice to manipulate our photo to look like the painting. Since neither Laura nor I are graphic designers, it was quite difficult and time-consuming, but we are very pleased with the way it came out. Anyone who thinks we took the easy way out on this one is simply oblivious to the effort it required. By the way, this was Laura’s departed grandmother’s favorite out of all of our cards. Oh, and for those of you who have suggested that the guy looks nothing like me, just wait until my relatives on my dad’s side view this post and they all chime-in about how I look exactly like my Grandpa Bergeron. In short, suck it, haters!

2008, Merry Krishnas

We got started a little late this year, which meant that when we went to JC Penney to take our picture, there was a one hour wait. We walked through the mall and wound up eating dinner in the food court. I only wish that we had brought flowers.

2009, Los Cholos

This is my personal favorite. Some cards are obviously a joke, but when a card looks as real as this one, it is something special. Again, on this particular year, we weren’t able to take the picture until after Thanksgiving, so the JC Penney photo studio was very busy and we had to wait for an hour to get in. Understandably so, Laura was nervous about walking around the Westminster Mall looking like we did, but I reassured her by saying, “Seriously? Look at us…nobody is going to fuck with us!” I was right…not a single person would even make eye contact with us.

2010, Olin Mills Family Portrait from 1981

May your holiday table be a smorgasbord of cheese balls, fruitcakes, and hams!  In many ways, this card best represents what we were trying to achieve from the very beginning. Our concept was inspired by the inherently awkward nature of holiday family photos that has now become so popular in the age of the internet. We wanted to try to capture that awkwardness (in a next level sort of way) and give everyone we know the gift of having a funny card on their fridge that would capture the spirit of the holiday season. When they had people over to their house during the holidays, they could take pleasure in seeing their guests’ reactions upon viewing the card without realizing it was a joke. On a side note, as a bald man who has known his entire life that he would grow up to be bald, it had been a longtime aspiration of mine to sport a combover at some point because they are so fascinating in their ridiculousness! So, this particular card allowed me to not only fulfill a lifelong dream, but also to capture it in all of its glory for the ages.

2011, The Unibrows

I love the idea for this picture, but personally, I think it could’ve been better executed. Don’t get me wrong, we look funny & Gigi really gives the card a whole other dynamic with her incredible cuteness, but I think this concept had the potential to be our best card ever, if we had done it right.

2012, Goth Xmas

This is your legacy, girls…embrace it!

2013, Jazz Hands

Sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle   Look at Laura…bringing it! Look at Gigi…bringing it! Look at Juju…well, protesting (at least she’s consistent). I am truly blessed.

2014, The Holidays Are Such a Drag

I doubt if anyone at the JC Penney Portrait Studio even thought twice about Laura and the girls, but it was a pretty busy year and we were waiting for about 45 minutes for the photographer to be available, so I am certain that my presence made a lot of people uncomfortable in the studio’s waiting area. I had to hunt high and low for shoes that would fit me (thanks Lane Bryant) and, of course, I shaved my legs, so you can imagine how excited I was that we wound up choosing a shot from the waist up. And, seriously, how friggin’ cute are those boys? If we had given Gigi glasses, I think she would’ve looked an awful lot like Ralphie!

2015, Les Modèles (AKA Fashionistas, AKA Euro Trash)

His shoes – $850, her shoes – $950, spending your holiday with the Bergerons – priceless.

2016, Cussin Jerry nem

A little over a year ago, Gigi started calling me “Cousin Jerry.” It caught on with her little sister and, after a while, I started talking to them as I imagined Cousin Jerry would. Since then, he has become a regular visitor in our household, so it seemed fitting to share him with all of you this holiday season. If y’all are lucky, you may get to see “Creepy Larry” (another Gigi-inspired character) and his family in a future card…we’ll just have to see. Side note…and I feel like I say this every year, but…look at Gigi bringing it!!!

2017, Gingers in Paradise

We went in a slightly different direction this year, which required stepping out of the JCP Portrait Studio and using a photographer (big thanks to Marco Montenegro) at the local beach. This our nod to the ever-so-popular holiday card theme that says “Look at us soaking up the sun’s rays in a beautiful tropical paradise while you’re freezing your nuts off…don’t you wish you were us?”

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[ramrodd]

What do you think of the following statement : If Trump said chickens could plow, Trump supporters  would be out in the field hitching them hens?

COMMENTARY:

It’s absolutely true.

What else can you possible add? It has absolute metaphysical substance. 

Of course, they’d hitch up the hens and put the rooster in the lead position and tell’em “Giddy-UP” and gee and haw their way around their trailer park flower beds until the chickens either learned to enjoy plowing in trace or dropped dead.

You are dealing with really stupid people who have the right to vote because they have birth cirtificates that assures the republican authorities that they are eligible by species to vote. And the really clever pick of the litter in every generation Newt Gingrich has gone out of his way to recruit as glorified telemarketers elected to promote Steve Bannon’s Free Market Fascism and to blow up America like John Galt and/or Earl Turner. These are the same stupid people who put their hearts and souls into the southern rebellion led by the same greedy people who were making too much money from slavery to kick the habit. They are still running things in all the Red States as Jeff Davis in Richmond VA.

There is no question in my mind that Trump said exactly what he said about the military. He is typical of the Copperhead wing of the GOP. They really don’t belong to anybody except as honary members of Galt’s Gang, alleged libertarians who devise a personal system of values based on an infinitely small point of law or western ethics that justifiees their avarice, selfishness and, in the case of the Copperheads, political treachery. These are the people Newt Gingrich recruited as pawns in his political strategy to make him Speaker of the House and, currently, to re-elect Trump.

Every Republican but Mitt Romney in Congress falls into this category. Tim Scott is like J.C. Watts, Herman Caine, Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas, an equal opportunity bigot and actually belongs in the adult leadership of the GOP with Mitt Romney: they are authentic Conservatives in close to the Juan Williams mold of Conservative: Juan Williams has always been a BLM Conservative, which is why the Koch bothers threatened to withhold their grants to PBS unless Diane Rehm fired his ass from WAMU for being uppity.

In Indiana, when I was growing up, there were Lugar-Will Rogers Repubicans and Lee Hamilton-Walter Ruether Democrats and Dan Burton-Henry Cabot Lodge-KKK-Copperheads, the people who vetoed the League of Nations and largely had other priorites than military service during WWII, which might have been avoided if the League of Nations had been ratified. Dan Burton Copperheads are all in for the Military Industrial Complex and, like Marxist, consider lethal conflict to be a natural feature of capitalism. They all believe, like Trump, that people are suckers and losers to enlist in the US military and that a military career is like being a counselor in a summer camp that you do before you grow up and get a real job.

And that’s who Newty recruited to fill up the Republican Study Group and the House Freedom Caucus in order to advance his agenda of political treason and economic coup. Gingrich’s axiomatic discription of his political strategy, “Politics is the continuation of war” is Trotsky’s formular for violent revolution he, Trotsky, was teaching in Mexico when he was killed. Castro’s Cuba was one legacy of Trotsky’s evangelism and Newty has been using this formula to gain power since he went into poltics during the 70s.

Newty claims he adopted the political strategy of the anti-war movement, which is partially true, as the model for his political strategy. Newty and I are both Army brats and, at the time we were growing up, Counter-Insurgency was the sexy career path for West Point graduates, especially before JKF was killed. I had read Petreaus’s core bibliography for his CO-IN manual before I graduated from high school and I had a ring side seat to the cultural revolution on campus without belonging to either the liberal fascism of the anti-war draft dodgers or the conservative fascism of the pro-war draft dodgers (who were, essentially, the rising generation of Dan Burton Copperheads).

And they are all, basically, the paradox of the very clever and dumber than a box of rocks small town white businessman and/or politician. Like Mike Pence. People who avoided the draft during the 60s and were the corporate gate keepers when combat vets came looking for work after killing the Viet Cong for Christ.

Their attitude, the people Newty recurited, was that, if you were too stupid to avoid military service, it didn’t make much sense to put you on the pay roll unless you were a rabid ammosexual and/or a Tom Cotton wannabe (Tom Cotton isn’t anything new, either: I was scared out of a military career by a senior officer my dad’s age and rank with the same crypto-Nazi cognitive organization as Tom Cotton and Mike Pompeo and represent another catogory of Conservative Copperhead.

Trump is just like all these guys. As I say, they are a paradox: they usually have very strong practical talents in business and management and not necessarily authoritarian, but their horizons generally stop at the end of their peckers in predictable ways. Trump’s attitude about the military is one typical variation. They didn’t want to be held accountable by the League of Nations and they were perfectly happy becoming filthy rich and locally powerful from equiping the sacrifice of American citizen soldiers and feeling nobel in the process: the Arsenal of Democracy and all the rest. Trump really believes he’s a patriot in spite of the fact that he committed treason with his Moscow partners in the 2013 Miss Universe Pageant to get elected and hopes to do it again.

Putin has nothing to do with it. For Trump, business is business and treason is just another tool in his lie, cheat and steal “Art of the Deal” crime family business model. And, by and large, the Dan Burton Copperheads don’t have any problem with the practice: it’s nothing personal, Uncle Sam: it’s just business.

And all these Dan Burton Copperheads are the people who supply the harnesses for chicken plowing, partially because they don’t know any better, themselves, but recognize an emerging market when it surfaces.

For various reasons, the military has been content to allow themselves to be pulled around by their collective peckers by these people, the Dan Burton Copperheads, because they, the military, sustain the misapprehension that what “Honor” means to them means the same to crime family businessmen, like Don Corleone. And it doesn’t. And they, the active military, have been voting for Don Corleone “Honor” since at least the Democrats failed to finance the last death throes of the Republic of Vietnam on basically they same justification that Moscow Mitch is holding up Speaker Pelois’s $3.5 trillion capital budget for stopping COVID-19 in its tracks in 90 days and bringing the Green New Deal up to speed in 18 months.

Because, in the final analysis, as clever as the Dan Burton Copperheads like Moscow Mitch are in running a family bucket shop, they are dumber than dog shit when it comes to plowing with chickens.

[trendingnewsb]

Family Sends The Most Awkward Christmas Cards For 15 Years, And It’s Too Funny

If you think you’ve already seen the funniest family Christmas card of the season, think again. Every year since 2003, the Bergeron family has been ringing in the holidays by producing the most clever and hilarious greeting cards we’ve ever seen, and just like the snow outside, they’re showing no signs of stopping.

Mike Bergeron, his wife Laura, and their two daughters known online as ‘Gigi’ and ‘Juju’ have made an annual tradition out of the refreshingly original photoshoots, and each December, they choose a new knee-slapping theme. Whether they draw on pop culture, local culture, or embarrassingly awkward family cards of yore, they always seem to pull it off as a team. Special credit is due, of course, to the JC Penney Portrait Studio, which has seen them all the way from ‘white trash Christmas’ to a full drag ensemble.

Scroll down to take in each joyful edition for yourself, read the stories behind them in Mike Bergeron’s own words, and tell us which ones sent you into a fit of jolly laughter in the comments.

2003, Forty & Fighting It

Our first card! The original concept was “Plugs & Juggs”, but we had to choose this photo because of the priceless facial expressions, even though you can’t see Laura’s overly-augmented rack. Thus, we call this “Forty & Fighting It”. The photographer tried to move the light away from overhead and I had to ask her to shine it directly down on me – she didn’t know how to tell me that it was reflecting off of my head and making me look like I was balding. Finally, I just told her that the balding look was what I was after. She had no idea that we were dressed up in costumes!

2004, We’re Dreaming of a White Trash Xmas

When I went to the JC Penney Portrait Studio to pick-up our cards, they were very busy with the holiday rush and the manager (who was also the cashier) was clearly stressed-out, answering phones, organizing photo sittings, delegating to her employees and systematically trying to work through the line at the cash register. After patiently waiting for about 10 minutes, it was my turn to be helped and she immediately went into sales mode, taking control of the transaction and regurgitating her customer service talk track in a frenzy, multitasking all-the-while, mind you, and not able to really give me her full attention. Her – “Welcome to JC Penney Portrait Studio, how can I help you today, sir?” Me – “I’m here to pick-up my Christmas cards.” Her – “Okay, what is your last name?” Me – “It’s Bergeron, but I have my receipt right here, if that helps.” Her – “Okay, thank you. Give me just a moment while I get your order. Sir, it appears they accidentally printed an 8×10, which is usually $19.99, but we’ll let you have it for $5, since it was our mistake.” Me – “No thanks.” Her – “Okay…well, I see that your wife is pregnant…I hope you will be coming back to JC Penney to take your baby pictures.” Me (smiling at the realization that she doesn’t get the joke) – “Actually, she’s not really pregnant…and if she was, I wouldn’t let her drink beer or smoke cigarettes…and, as you can see, I don’t really have a mullet. Its a joke card.” In the midst of what was utter chaos for her at that moment, she just sort of stared at me in bewilderment as the cashier next to her stopped what he was doing, leaned over to look at the card and said to me with pure and utter excitement, “Dude, that’s awesome!” Me – “Thanks. Merry Christmas!” As I took my cards and walked away, the manager stood there in absolute confusion, her brain apparently frozen with the realization that her sales training had failed to prepare her for this situation.

2005, Your Aunt & Uncle Who Live in the Midwest

Being a Bergeron, I have always known that I would eventually lose my hair. We are trained from birth to accept the fact that someday our hair will fall out. At the age of 32, it was apparent to me that my days were numbered and if I wanted to make fun of being bald, then this would likely be my last chance before the joke would become reality. So, on the afternoon of the photo shoot, I had Laura shave the hair off of the top of my head…and I’ve been bald ever since. The thing is, I had to walk around with a bald head for a couple of weeks while the holiday card was processing and shipping, but I didn’t want to give anyone any hints about what the card might be. So, when people would ask me why I suddenly shaved all of the hair off of my head, I would give them some made-up excuse like, “I joined a cult” or, “I’m a racist” or, “Chicks really seem to like that Vin Diesel guy, so I thought I’d give it a shot.” Incidentally, one of the other excuses I would give was, “I’m a competitive swimmer and I wanted to shave some time off my laps.” A few years later, I was bartending and my friend Kristine came in with one of her girlfriends. We chatted a bit and I mixed them up some special shots and then Kristine got up to go to the restroom and her friend says to me, “So, Kristine tells me you’re a swimmer.” Now the question is: How many people are out there who still believe I really joined a cult?

2006, A Very Special Xmas

A couple of years before we started this tradition, my friend, Jeremy, worked during the holidays in a photo studio.  If he thought that a family portrait was particularly funny, he would print a copy for himself and put it on display in his living room.  They were all awkward and wonderful in their own way, but there was one photo in particular that was so delightfully goofy and uncomfortable that it has always stuck with me.  This card is an effort to recreate the magic of that card.  I’ll be the first to admit that we fall terribly short, but I think it still manages to bring some joy to the holiday season!

2007, American Gothic Xmas

Overshadowed by controversy, some “purists” have accused us of cheating with this particular card because we Photoshopped it.  For those who love it, thanks…we love you, too. For those who feel we cheated…look, we actually dressed-up in costumes and took a photograph for this card (we even bought a pitchfork!). However, since the original work was done with paint on canvas and did not look like a real-life photo, we felt it would be a better choice to manipulate our photo to look like the painting. Since neither Laura nor I are graphic designers, it was quite difficult and time-consuming, but we are very pleased with the way it came out. Anyone who thinks we took the easy way out on this one is simply oblivious to the effort it required. By the way, this was Laura’s departed grandmother’s favorite out of all of our cards. Oh, and for those of you who have suggested that the guy looks nothing like me, just wait until my relatives on my dad’s side view this post and they all chime-in about how I look exactly like my Grandpa Bergeron. In short, suck it, haters!

2008, Merry Krishnas

We got started a little late this year, which meant that when we went to JC Penney to take our picture, there was a one hour wait. We walked through the mall and wound up eating dinner in the food court. I only wish that we had brought flowers.

2009, Los Cholos

This is my personal favorite. Some cards are obviously a joke, but when a card looks as real as this one, it is something special. Again, on this particular year, we weren’t able to take the picture until after Thanksgiving, so the JC Penney photo studio was very busy and we had to wait for an hour to get in. Understandably so, Laura was nervous about walking around the Westminster Mall looking like we did, but I reassured her by saying, “Seriously? Look at us…nobody is going to fuck with us!” I was right…not a single person would even make eye contact with us.

2010, Olin Mills Family Portrait from 1981

May your holiday table be a smorgasbord of cheese balls, fruitcakes, and hams!  In many ways, this card best represents what we were trying to achieve from the very beginning. Our concept was inspired by the inherently awkward nature of holiday family photos that has now become so popular in the age of the internet. We wanted to try to capture that awkwardness (in a next level sort of way) and give everyone we know the gift of having a funny card on their fridge that would capture the spirit of the holiday season. When they had people over to their house during the holidays, they could take pleasure in seeing their guests’ reactions upon viewing the card without realizing it was a joke. On a side note, as a bald man who has known his entire life that he would grow up to be bald, it had been a longtime aspiration of mine to sport a combover at some point because they are so fascinating in their ridiculousness! So, this particular card allowed me to not only fulfill a lifelong dream, but also to capture it in all of its glory for the ages.

2011, The Unibrows

I love the idea for this picture, but personally, I think it could’ve been better executed. Don’t get me wrong, we look funny & Gigi really gives the card a whole other dynamic with her incredible cuteness, but I think this concept had the potential to be our best card ever, if we had done it right.

2012, Goth Xmas

This is your legacy, girls…embrace it!

2013, Jazz Hands

Sometimes you catch lightning in a bottle   Look at Laura…bringing it! Look at Gigi…bringing it! Look at Juju…well, protesting (at least she’s consistent). I am truly blessed.

2014, The Holidays Are Such a Drag

I doubt if anyone at the JC Penney Portrait Studio even thought twice about Laura and the girls, but it was a pretty busy year and we were waiting for about 45 minutes for the photographer to be available, so I am certain that my presence made a lot of people uncomfortable in the studio’s waiting area. I had to hunt high and low for shoes that would fit me (thanks Lane Bryant) and, of course, I shaved my legs, so you can imagine how excited I was that we wound up choosing a shot from the waist up. And, seriously, how friggin’ cute are those boys? If we had given Gigi glasses, I think she would’ve looked an awful lot like Ralphie!

2015, Les Modèles (AKA Fashionistas, AKA Euro Trash)

His shoes – $850, her shoes – $950, spending your holiday with the Bergerons – priceless.

2016, Cussin Jerry nem

A little over a year ago, Gigi started calling me “Cousin Jerry.” It caught on with her little sister and, after a while, I started talking to them as I imagined Cousin Jerry would. Since then, he has become a regular visitor in our household, so it seemed fitting to share him with all of you this holiday season. If y’all are lucky, you may get to see “Creepy Larry” (another Gigi-inspired character) and his family in a future card…we’ll just have to see. Side note…and I feel like I say this every year, but…look at Gigi bringing it!!!

2017, Gingers in Paradise

We went in a slightly different direction this year, which required stepping out of the JCP Portrait Studio and using a photographer (big thanks to Marco Montenegro) at the local beach. This our nod to the ever-so-popular holiday card theme that says “Look at us soaking up the sun’s rays in a beautiful tropical paradise while you’re freezing your nuts off…don’t you wish you were us?”

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