#feeling kinda bleh about this one but it's late and i'm tired

[skitskatdacat63]

Back in my monthly depression era ig but. Thinking about social media and art, and how their relationship has fucked with me. I'm glad I started drawing fanart and I don't regret it. And I think I've really improved my skill this past half year plus. But man it gives me such a terrible complex. That paranoia of "who even would give a shit about this" and "when will people be done with me."

I think any artist always craves some recognition and praise no matter how much you say you draw for yourself. You can draw for yourself but it's still extremely gratifying and inspiring to have people's approval or thoughts on it.I used to draw for myself more and draw so much random art, but I discussed it a lot with friends and it made it more gratifying, to have that interest. And I lost that kinda, a lot. I feel like for a bit btwn losing that and drawing fanart, I can't really remember, I didn't draw as much bcs it just felt a bit unrewarded and it felt bleh.

And then I started drawing fanart. Which felt very rewarding. I'm happy I've not ever really felt the desire to make widely "appealing" art. If you look at even the first things I posted, it's extremely niche, and that's been a lot of fun! But it's also just made me so paranoid and self conscious. What if people get tired of this. What if people find it strange. What if people find it annoying. What if I'm being repetitive. Etc. It's really irritating bcs I KNOW people have told me they find my stuff interesting and that they like it. But my brain can't help but think, what is the expiration date on this, when will it become boring. I discuss my art with people and it's fun, but that self consciousness clings to me like a parasite. Like ah I better hurry this up and enjoy it while I can before they get annoyed and tired of it.

I guess this is all to say, I don't always like my relationship with art, and I hate the way social media messes with your brain. I remember for a bit I would post my art on Instagram and do the whole hashtag game. And then realized it was messing with my relationship with art so I dropped it. And then did the same thing with Twitter, than dropped it, etc. I just hate how I can't let myself enjoy anything. Idk maybe I'm just burnt out or something, but whenever I think of drawing lately, there's just this voice being like "what's the point of even drawing this, why would anyone care." I hate you evil voice in my brain!!!! It's not even a thing about notes, and I feel greedy even simply admitting any of this. I think it's more of a craving of a deeper connection and discussion. Which is what I always seek when I create art. But social media makes you think about numbers and attention and makes it unhealthy and makes you feel guilty for wanting something that's pretty reasonable.

Blah blah blah anyways don't reply to this like, oh you need to fix your relationship w art by taking a break from socmed! It's just this continual cycle and maybe one day I'll break it. But sometimes it just hits harder some days. I just want to stop feeling cringe. I hate it cause internally I'm like "I am cringe but I am free" but that only has to do with actually creating the stuff. Posting about it is the trap I think. Again though, it's natural to crave discussion and approval, but putting myself out there makes me want to curl up in a ball. I miss the days when I was younger and creating all kinds of random art and forcing it upon people with absolutely no shame. But now it's like. I toss my art into the room and shut the door and hide behind it with bated breath. And it often feels like any conversation I have just sates me for a tiny bit and then I go back to feeling empty. Is it ungrateful? Or is it just natural to want to keep having and partaking in a good thing?

Someone sent me advice on this feeling at some point, about how its better to talk to people individually rather than just on main. And I agree! I had a lot of fun the last third of last year. And for some reason it's just felt different ever since the new year began. I just don't know how to recover, and to start having fun like that again. I've drawn a lot of things I've immensely enjoyed since the year began, but for some reason, which I can't really parse, have had way worse self loathing and insecurity about it all. I just wanna recover my joy back :( is that too much to ask

Tldr; yay art improvement! Complex ideas! Much discussion! However: nay! Makes me feel cringe! Makes me feel like I'm running on limited time! Makes me crave too much!

[the-amalgam-house]

Very sleepy but want to share before I forget. System update stuff.

There's a lot of change happening all at once in the inner world and with a few of the roommates. Don't know if I'm awake enough to properly explain but anyway.

Greyson and I have been far more blendy lately. We had a talk or two about not knowing one's purpose or place in the world and having been forced into unwanted roles and stuff. He's been going through Some Shit mentally and I told him whatever he needs to do, rest for a long time, travel around the Nexus, whatever he can do it. There's no obligations here and plenty of other ppl to help out and he deserves to have a break and be the one being taken care of for a change. I think he wants to experience more of the outer world as well, which is prob why we're so blendy all the time now. He's also getting into upgraded/alternate prosthetics for his legs lately which is pretty cool.

ilo is slowly but surely discovering who she wants to be. She's becoming more elven and more magical and more corporeal, like a slow reincarnation?? Or something like that. She still doesn't want to front but is also slightly warming up to the idea of interacting with the outer world again I think? But milo isn't having it for sure, and since they occupy the same space it's causing a bit of internal conflict. They just want to take care of each other tbh, which is valid.

Noey still hasn't changed in age in a very long time. I don't know if it bothers her or not, she won't really say, but she has been far more talkative than she used to be at her older age. I'm too tired for it rn and would fall asleep in the middle of the convo but reminder to myself to have a chat with her if she's willing.

Oracle has been quiet for a long while. Not to the point of dormancy, I can still sense it around, but it's been very distant and almost solely lives in the tower now. It spends its time looking at the stars as often as possible and I have no idea what it's thinking or what it wants. It also occasionally uses she pronouns when it's feeling a more humanoid corporeal form? I think it's also trying to find and understand itself.

Idric, Frelly, and Belly all seem to be the only unchanging people right now. They seem to be content in themselves atm and I'm glad for that. Feels like even just a small bit of stability. They mostly ask just do their own thing, Belly the only one that stays in the house really cause he's a very small child.

I'm not entirely sure still about what some parts are and aren't, like if they're separate entities from me like my roommates or simply a personified piece directly of me but... Ten has definitely started to feel like a separate entity, and idk if that's cause I did that on purpose to sort of compartmentalize my own self judgement and hatred, or if they've always been there as the persistent negative voice that constantly nags on me since I can remember. Maybe some kind of fragment, not a full on alter? If that makes any sense at all. It does make it a little easier to pull out of negativity spirals to face a separate entity to blame and tell them to shut the fuck up. Kinda like when I actually verbally tell my intrusive thoughts to leave, tho the intrusive thoughts and the self degradation feel like two separate parts themselves.

Bleh bleh bleh all of this is a lot to deal with and I'm too tired to do so right now. Maybe later.

[mydaymythoughtsandme]

Self improvement

I have decided to take control of my health this year. I have an appointment coming up in a few days and it'll mark exactly 2 years from my (thankfully) failed attempt. With that said though it has been two years with the same medicine at the same dosage for each. (One I actually only take every other day now because of the side effects I was experiencing and because I was put on the lowest dose for all of my meds [and the pills are tiny tiny) that was the best thing they said for me to do and I no longer got the negative side effects) So with the medicine all being the same for so long I thinking of asking for adjustments (maybe higher dosage amounts for one or two of them, I'm not entirely sure). But I have felt a bit plateud in my mood and stability levels. I'm not in a super bad place again by any means and I am greatful for that, but I do feel like when I do have my lows they get kinda bad lately (although I do have some external stressors that are different that before) and I haven't had too much of the highs, just a lot of bleh and okay enough.

I don't want to just be okay enough I want to do better and be better and be in a truly good place that I can stay in. I know life will never be perfect and it'll never be 100% but I know it can be better and more consistent. And so much of that falls on me as a person and the effort I put into improving and I understand that. So I will be asking for possible adjustments to my medicine and about getting back into therapy as well. It's expensive but after everything that has happened I don't think I can afford not to. They were supposed to call me a few weeks after the last time I went in about a new therapist coming into the office but that never happened so if I don't get practically connected with said therapist right then and there I will be searching through my insurance and starting again that way. Insurance really helps me feel like I can improve myself a lot. One big issue I'm still having is my excessive sleepiness. I am ALWAYS tired. I can sleep for well over 12 hours and it's still not enough sometimes (I know that over sleeping is a thing that can make you more tired but it doesn't matter how much I sleep be it 2hrs 15hrs or somewhere in between I am always tired. I already spoke to both of my doctors about this and they both want blood tests so hopefully we'll see progress there soon.

I think the sleepiness is caused by a lot of factors. One being I can't breathe correctly when I sleep. I'm also a restless sleeper so that would explain why I feel wiped out after a long solid sleep so often. I also have been having issues with falling asleep lately but I think it's stress from the life issues caused by the sleepiness and my stomach.

The big thing is my stomach hurts all the time to the point that I'm actually open to the possibility of having a chronic illness or the like. Obviously I don't know anything for sure but I'm just to the point where I wouldn't be overly surprised if that turned out to be the case.

I think that covers at least the basics for the main points so I will cut it off here and possibly add more detail later. I need to try to ignore my stomach for sleep

[bluejayblueskies]

for prompt 1 of jontim week: rumors, introduction

cw for bullying/nasty rumors/talking about someone behind their back. tim is influenced by these rumors but he doesn’t contribute to or agree with them. all rude/insensitive comments happen in the past/off-screen.

.

The first thing Tim thinks when he meets Jonathan Sims is he’s shorter than I expected.

Though Tim doesn’t know what he expected, really. He’s not usually one to put much stock in rumors, but after the tenth time he’d heard the name Sims whispered in the break room or in the hallway in passing or in the area behind the Institute marked off for smoking, he got curious. Maybe it was because of just how different all of the rumors were.

 He’s just so standoffish, don’t you think? I tried to say hello once, you know, just to be polite, and I don’t even think he looked at me. It’s a bit rude, don’t you think? I was just being nice.

 I had to take a whole week off when my sister died—funeral arrangements and such—and he offered to take on my workload for the week. And you know, I really think he was sincere when he gave his condolences. He’s rather kind, when you give him a chance.

 I swear, I left for lunch, and when I came back it didn’t look like he’d left at all. I invited him once, just to the canteen, and he got this look on his face and said no, thank you. It was polite, but—I don’t know, like being polite was an inconvenience?

 Elodie—you know, she volunteers at that animal shelter in Brixton—said she saw him there one weekend, just- just staring at the cats. When she asked him if he was interested in any of them, he said his flat didn’t allow pets. Apparently, he sounded so heartbroken about the fact she nearly offered to write a note to his landlord to appeal for special consideration. God, can you believe it? Jonathan Sims, getting all teary-eyed over some kittens.

 Despite his efforts against it, Tim had built up quite an image of Jonathan Sims, who he’d somehow managed to avoid actually meeting until his second week working at the Institute. Elias Bouchard’s week-long training program was boring, tedious, and way too invasive for a job that barely provides a living wage, and it kept him from doing any actual work (and from having access to the library, which apparently he couldn’t access until he was properly trained). By the time he finally got assigned a desk in the research department, he was tired and annoyed and itching to finally get some real work done.

 He meets Jonathan Sims in front of the section of the library regarding circuses, the nametag clipped onto the lapel of his suit jacket just barely visible beneath the impressive stack of books he’s carrying. (He’s one of the only people who actually wears that stupid ID they give us, his mind supplies in the voice of Mark from the filing department.) After short, Tim registers in quick succession grey-streaked hair cropped close to his ears and thin rectangular glasses and dark purple chipped nail polish. (And, unhelpfully, the fact that none of the rumors had mentioned the fact that he’s hot, in that kind of bookish, professorial way.)

 Then, Jonathan seems to notice that Tim’s there, and he takes a small step back from the shelves. “I’m sorry, am I in your way?”

 His voice is deep, and Tim’s too busy thinking about that voice cooing at kittens to properly register his words at first. The pause is just shy of embarrassing when Tim finally says, “No, you- you’re good.” He eyes the stack of books in Jon’s arm with curiosity. “A little late-night reading material?”

 Jonathan opens his mouth, then pauses and seems to shrink back into himself ever so slightly. “They’re for a case,” he says flatly, holding the books a bit closer to his chest.

 (Don’t think he has much of a social life outside of this place, to be honest. I mean, heh, I really don’t either, but at least I go home at a reasonable hour.)

 “You know,” Tim says brightly, “I think I have a few more I could recommend to you. I don’t know if they already have them in the library, but I could get you a list? Oh, or I could just let you borrow one? I have a few back at my place—I can bring them in for you if you’d like?”

 Jonathan gives Tim a wary look. “That would be… very helpful, thank you.”

 “Great!” Tim makes a mental note to stop by a bookshop (or ten) after work. “Oh, I’m Tim, by the way. I just started—I work in research.”

 Jonathan seems to brighten at this, if only slightly, and Tim counts that as a win. “I suppose we’ll be seeing more of each other, then. I’m Jonath—er. Jon. You can call me Jon.”

 Jon. Tim neatly disposes of every whispered rumor and false image attached to the name Jonathan Sims and replaces it with Jon. It fits more comfortably in his mind, fits better with the man standing in front of him who’s now smiling, if a bit tentatively.

 “I don’t suppose they’ve assigned you a case yet?” he says, shifting his grip on the books as he does so. “If you’d like, I… I could request that you be added to this one. As you can see, it’ll be quite a bit of work, and I could use your expertise. Or even just a second pair of eyes at this point.”

 (Not much of a team player, in my opinion. Tried to work a case with him last year and he wouldn’t even let me touch the files. Now, I don’t even try.)

 “You’re in luck! As it happens, my schedule is completely open.”

 Jon seems a bit surprised to have such ready agreement. “Right. I- I’ll get that arranged then.” He hesitates a moment, then says, “Would… would you like to take some of…?”

 (Doesn’t ask for help. Thinks he has to do this job all on his own.)

 Tim’s starting to get the feeling that he hasn’t heard a single completely true thing about Jon before now. (Well. Maybe except for the kittens. Tim really, really hopes except for the kittens.)

 Tim takes half of the books and brings them back to Jon’s desk. The research is just as long and arduous as Jon said it would be, but it’s exactly what Tim’s been looking for—evil clowns and all. So he stays late that day, and then the next, and then the next after that.

 Tim makes mistakes, and Jon is blunt when he corrects them, but not cruel or snappish. Tim suggests they stop for dinner and doesn’t push when Jon says (with unnecessary guilt) that it’ll interrupt his workflow. (Though Tim does begin to bring leftovers; enough for two.) Tim mentions offhand that he enjoys rock climbing, and Jon spends the next ten minutes asking Tim about his setup and where he likes to go and how much training he has to do, eyes wide and curious.

 They finish the case. And when Jon hesitantly asks if Tim wants to work the next one with him as well, saying yes is as easy as breathing.

[velvetyh]

Hello darling!!! 🥰

How's it going?? 🤔

I've been all over the place lately (thank you mother nature 🙃)

I've been switching between chase Atlantic and kpop for the last couple days and I forgot that chase atlantic has a song with my name in it. Not gonna lie I really vibe 😌 (If you guess which one it is I'll let you call me that 😏 )

It's literally the easiest thing don't stress lmao just my funny way of telling you my name 🤭

Anywhooo ngl I've been in such a submissive mood lately 👉👈 The Boyz do that to me 🤪 However I've never really been a Younghoon girl... idk why but I just can Not see him as dominant.... maybe cause like he's such a baby and the vids that I've gotten to know him from have been him cutely crying from their wins and him looking oh so delicious in the drink it mv... idk idk anyways I'm now in the mood to read something with him as a sub or a service top you know??

Okay but no cause WHY does Jacob have to look like that?? WHO gave him the RIGHT to look that good? 😩🤧✋️

Eh hormones hormones blah blah blah 😑 😒

Just being an active nuisance hereee 😗✌️

Don't have any good questions right now cause brain soupy but

☆ Who do you feel mtl dominant towards in TBZ

☆Do you like chocolate? If so whats your fave kind? ( I like all but white, and I love chili chocolate)

☆ Do you prefer being coastal or landlocked?

Okay love you byyyyeeee

🌺

hello you beautiful human!!

i’m super tired and in an immense need of physical touch bc i’ve been up since 5am to catch a stupid train to go to another town to follow some lectures for my stupid training 🙃 i just got out of the train and there was a girl resting her head on a guy’s shoulder not far from me and omfg i crave this… plus in one of my lectures there was a dude that had the same name as my crush in hs, this asshole brought me back the memories of him 🙁 anyway i hope you’re doing well !! 💕

dw idk if it’s the moon or anything but i’m also all over the place, emotions have been nothing but a rollercoaster 🙂 it’s super fun to be happy one moment and close to give up everything the other!

I STG IF YOUR NAME IS CASSIE IM GONNA COMBUST BC THATS LEGIT A MASTERPIECE THAT I LOVE 🤩🤩 oh there’s ‘Molly’ and many songs that i really like but CASSIE?? what’s your favourite chase atlantic song btw??

yk all of this is making me act up i stg!! i wanna be a good sub for tbz but OMFG younghoon as a good boy??? calling him pretty and shit??? mommy issues jumping right in 🙂 even if he’s pretty much a GIANT he’d look so cute being all submissive and whiny under you 😫😫

YES YOUNGHOON SERVICE TOP AGENDA!! (not me getting excited about it when i only wrote fics where yh was a soft!dom lol)

YOU ARE NOT A NUISANCE i really love having you around my blog 🥺

Who do you feel mtl dominant towards in TBZ?

rn…? i kinda want to sangyeon to get on his knees for me,,, i’ve been in a mood recently, where i really really want to have arrogant / dom looking guys on their knees before me, begging me to do something. yes this is totally a power kink but OMG it is just so hot.

Do you like chocolate?

I know im gonna surprised ppl but not that much… im not much of a sweet tooth, i get disgusted pretty quickly by sugary things, but i wouldn’t say no to a good slice of my mom’s chocolate cake

Do you prefer being coastal or landlocked?

COASTAL all the way!! if i don’t see the sea a few times a year i just feel bleh and terrible 25/8.

LOVE YOU TOO!!! ❣️

[obsidiancreates]

Idk what your parents are like, but the stuff you say kinda sounds like neglect/abuse. Maybe talk to them about the stuff that's making you upset? I'm only speaking from experience and I know that everyone's situation is different. I hope you're doing okay, Sid.

I’ve tried, doesn’t get through, unfortunately. 

It’s not all the time, but it’s a lot of the time. And before quarantine I tried to be more sympathetic because they’ve both got tough jobs, Dad is a chef and Mom is a cleaning lady, so they were both tired a lot.

But it-it’s continued into now, and I’m kind of like “Hmm. Alright so time off wouldn’t fix this issue.”

I don’t know what happened! When we were little they were always way busier but still like. Did stuff. Mom was a hotel spa manager, Dad was still a chef but at a different restaurant. 

They usually tried their best to make us school lunches, even when they had to work really early and rush. Breakfast was usually cereal, yeah, but that was because we had to hurry, so it’s not like we had time to cook anything like we do now. And they would make dinner every night. We had a schedule, so I know they’re capable of putting effort in! 

But when we got older that just stopped, because now we’re “old enough to do it ourselves.” And have been since I was like twelve, apparently. 

Okay but we’re also still your kids, living in your house, I clearly have issues with food and remembering/wanting to/having the energy to eat. The other day my brother made us breakfast, egg and Spam breakfast burritos. Mom was sitting on the couch, watching TV, as my younger brother made food. Granted, she didn’t eat it, she hates Spam.

... She did make peach cobbler last night, which was nice. I said I wanted to try it (never have before) and Dad brought me a bowl. But then he kept checking in to see if I was done yet, because he wanted whatever was left if I didn’t finish, and I am kind of a slow eater sometimes. I wasn’t rushing to eat the cobbler, because I thought I didn’t need to.

Anyway after like the fourth or fifth time I just gave him the bowl and he ate the rest. I had wanted to finish it but he kept bugging me so I was like “Not worth it, trying to do a roleplay right now and he keeps almost catching me because of this.”

And then I ended up walking out there to get water right after I gave him the bowl and he was eating it on the couch and he and Mom laughed about it when I mentioned I only gave it to him because he wouldn’t stop bothering me. He said “She was taking too long to eat it!” and she while laughing said “That’s terrible!” and he said “Well stop making it so good and I won’t take food out of the mouths of our babes!” in a joking tone and on one hand it was a cute interaction but on the other that cobbler was basically dinner for me because nothing else had been made.

... So yeah. 

Like they cook sometimes, and that’s nice and makes me feel bad about complaining when they don’t, but also like... eggs? We’ve got some corned beef in the freezer that’s been in there for a few months that Dad was supposed to cook ion St. Paddy’s Day? Something? Set an example, like all you stupid Amway-assigned books tell you? It doesn’t have to be fancy, just-just food? Not bars meant to replace meals to help you lose weight, which is the very last thing I need? Like they don’t make anything more often than they do make something. It’s a big gap.

Sorry, this got ranty.

I’m doing fine, really, I just- I want my parents to feel like parents, you know? I-I know I could just make some shit myself, I’m just tired and low-energy all the time. Even energy drinks don’t give me actual energy, they just make me jittery and nervous and make my my hands way too shaky and twitchy to be able to safely handle stuff in the kitchen.

Bleh. 

They still like. buy us stuff. Like all my skincare is the Amway stuff and they pay for that, it’s just not-Amway makeup/skincare I have to buy myself. And they get us presents on holidays! And like, sometimes we get some new clothes from Costco before holidays! But there’s defiantly stuff they aren’t great with, like helping with/ensuring our health both physically and mentally. They try, like Mom has been having all of us go on walks lately. Outside. Around the complex. Bad timing, but like, she means well. And like I said they make food sometimes. But it’s- I don’t know, they feel more like roommates than parents sometimes, if they makes sense.

No-one reblog this please.