#feel bad about backing out just becasuse of how many people are involved and how much paperwork has to be dealt with

[charonte-simi]

So I received the full inspection report on that house this morning and, contrary to what I was led to believe the day of the inspection, the house is in need of Much greater repairs than I'm able/willing to take on. The report is saying that there is a Major concern/safety hazard regarding the structure, in places that weren't even initially on my radar.

I'm unfortunately going to have to pass on this house :(

[leamen]

THE FOLLOWING IS UNEDITED, NOT BECAUSE IM LAZY, BUT FOR ARTISTIC EFFECT

hullo

*wave*

do u

[8:31 PM]have a backstory

[8:31 PM]to tell

what

[8:31 PM]wdym

[8:32 PM]like my life story

ya

i mean yeah

[8:32 PM]it's very long

i have time

[8:32 PM]i’m sitting in the shower

why are you sitting in the shower you're going to waste all the hot water!!

tru

[8:33 PM]but i have some emotions i need to meditate on

[8:34 PM]tell me a story. if not ur whole life story, maybe something interesting from it

alright hmm

[8:34 PM]well i guess i'll just tell the whole thing

[8:35 PM]you can tell me to stop at any point

[8:35 PM]well i was born with my mom and my dad

[8:35 PM]they got divorced when i was 2 or 3 or something'

[8:35 PM]after that i lived with my mom and my grandparents

[8:36 PM]and my mom was constantly very sick

[8:36 PM]she used drugs a lot and therefore had a lot of health problems

[8:36 PM]and was constantly in and out of hospital

[8:36 PM]most of my memories of my mom were in the hospital

[8:36 PM]as a kid i was very creative

[8:36 PM]i was fairly poor so i had to  be imaginative with my recorses

[8:36 PM]i played outside a lot and in the dirt and bugs

[8:37 PM]and then when i was 8 years old my mom died cuz she like

[8:37 PM]did too many drugs and had a stroke

[8:37 PM]and then lost 4 years of her memory and died

[8:37 PM]and after that i  was pretty sad then i moved in with my dad

[8:38 PM]i saw my dad 1-2 times a month before i moved in with him so me and him werent all too close

[8:38 PM]he had a new wife my stepmom and a new baby stepbrothr

[8:38 PM]i hate pity and i hate sounding like im seeking attention becasuse i hate people who do that who go and cry about their life story because they dont want to work on their trauma they just let it

[8:38 PM]consume them

[8:39 PM]and i hate the term abuse because its so miscommonly assigned

[8:39 PM]but my dad was a fairly bad alcoholic

[8:39 PM]when i first moved in with him from like

[8:39 PM]age 8-11/12

[8:39 PM]he used to be really angry which i understand

[8:40 PM]he  had a lot of personal things going on in his life and was dealing with untreated ptsd

[8:40 PM]from military

[8:40 PM]he used to hit me a lot and throw me or whatever leaving visible bruises but it didnt and still doesnt bother me all too much

[8:41 PM]after that he became much more uh idk like he stopped hurting me physically and would say some pretty bad stuff to me

[8:42 PM]around age 11 i started feeling really bad about myself and i thought it was my fault so i always blamed myself and commonly thought well maybe if i was a better kid this wouldnt happen to  me

[8:42 PM]at age 12 i attempted suicide got sent to hospital then mental hospital for a while

[8:42 PM]when i came back he told me he wish it wouldve worked

[8:42 PM]and then kicked me out of my house

[8:42 PM]and then cps got involved

[8:42 PM]and my grandparents adopted me

[8:43 PM]when i first moved in with them i was really  idk still processing all the stuff that happened

[8:43 PM]but ive came to acceptance and i realize why he did it

[8:44 PM]i cant change the past i can only learn and observe and change my future actions and stuff like that

[8:44 PM]i never think about it much in a negative way, in a way it taught me a lot and theres no point of obsessing over something you cant change

[8:44 PM]ive accepted the fact and i appreciate how much ive learned and now i live a pretty good life

[8:45 PM]thats about all with left-out details that arent that importat

[8:45 PM]sorry if it was a lot but

[8:45 PM]¯\_(ツ)_/¯

give me a few minutes to process everything

alright

i’m rly grateful for what u said

thank you

[8:46 PM]oh i mean another thing i forgot to say about my dad

[8:46 PM]he was very neglective

[8:46 PM]would neglect my needs often and i wasnt allowed to do anything

[8:46 PM]i wasnt allowed to go out with friedns not even outside on my porch]

[8:47 PM]wasnt allowed to eat food without asking and when i asked often the answer was no

[8:47 PM]but it taught me to be grateful for the things i do have access to now

[8:47 PM]and the things and responsibilities im allowed to have

what’s ur name

alyssa

[9:02 PM]what about you

leamen

nice to meet you

ty u too

i couldn't complete school because i spent so much time in psychiatric hospitals like for months on end so i missed a lot of school because of that, i'm supposed to be a junior but i can't finish even if i tried as hard as i could so

[9:04 PM]i'm getting my ged

do u plan on going to college

not exactly sure yet, maybe depending on what career path i go towards

[9:05 PM]i know i what to help people

[9:05 PM]that's my main goal

[9:05 PM]work with peopke

[9:06 PM]i want to work maybe with children in foster care

[9:06 PM]there's a few options but it all involves social work to a degreee

[9:06 PM]except maybe like kindergarten / 1st or 2nd grade teacher

[9:06 PM]that would be cool

[9:07 PM]but again not exactly sure at the moment

what was the most creative thing u did as a kid

[9:08 PM]do u still do anything creative now?

nothing like crazy accomplishments but when my mom was sick in the hospital i used to make her at least one hand drawn card a day that would say something like

[9:10 PM]i love you mom you're the best mom ever and i would draw things on it

[9:10 PM]and there was like

[9:10 PM]300 of them

[9:10 PM]or something like that

[9:10 PM]i loved drawing

[9:10 PM]and coloring

[9:10 PM]i was also creative minded

[9:10 PM]i loved playing and thinking

[9:10 PM]and i loved like making up scenarios in my head starting very young

[9:10 PM]was really imaginative

[9:11 PM]i loved dancing aswell

[9:11 PM]and singing

[9:11 PM]i would dance all the time even with no music

[9:11 PM]and then going into middle school

[9:11 PM]i drew a LOTTTTTTT

[9:11 PM]Like a lot a lot

[9:11 PM]i recently got back my sketchbooks just from

[9:11 PM]6th-7tb grade alone and

i counted and there was around 50 and a crate full of loose papers

[9:12 PM]and also they were pretty full

[9:13 PM]like most of the pages had at least one good drawing i really trisd on

[9:13 PM]it's cuz i couldn't do anything else

[9:13 PM]didnt have any nice toys or internet at all

[9:13 PM]wasn't allowed to watch movies or play games

[9:13 PM]so i just drew and listened to the radio until they took the radio away

[9:14 PM]i loved art so much

[9:14 PM]i'm still pretty creative but i wish i was as much as i was younger

[9:14 PM]i love to paint and i love music and i've tried a billion different hobbies

[9:14 PM]i hobby hop a lot

>”and i loved like making up scenarios in my head starting very young” what was ur most detailed scenario

when i was around like

[9:16 PM]i wanna say

[9:16 PM]6

[9:17 PM]i remember this one day in specific

[9:17 PM]i was at my other grandmas house

[9:17 PM]i had a favorite blanket it was my magic blanket and it would take me to all these cool places

[9:17 PM]i thought i had magic powers

[9:17 PM]i remember going to these lava filled volcano worlds

[9:17 PM]and riding on my blanket

[9:17 PM]but that day

[9:17 PM]i went downstairs

[9:17 PM]and she had a basement

[9:18 PM]and i pretended all my favorite characters inside my head were there

[9:18 PM]i had imaginary friends and i also picked up on like tv characters

[9:18 PM]and stuff like that

[9:19 PM]i was mopping the floor

[9:19 PM]for some reason

[9:19 PM]also i had a hot tub when i lived with my mom and grandparents

[9:19 PM]and i made all these special magical water powers

[9:19 PM]and i talked to the bugs and the trees

[9:19 PM]and played in the dirt

[9:19 PM]just shit like that

[9:19 PM]tons more

[9:20 PM]i pretended i was a pirate once and i was standing on my cats scratch pole thing

do u still sing

ehh not really

[9:53 PM]for fun maybe

[9:53 PM]i suck at singing tho

rly? send me something

nahh i don't have anything

[9:54 PM]i just sing in the shower and stuff

[9:54 PM]LOL

[9:55 PM]i'm not interested in doing any hobby to be good at it or to be successful in that hobby

[9:55 PM]i like expression and having fun

[9:55 PM]that's what's most important

i feel like sometimes i forget that

i do too often

[10:00 PM]and i beat myself up about

[10:00 PM]not being as good as others

[10:01 PM]but i try to keep a mindset that is just

[10:01 PM]do what you love and love what you do

[10:01 PM]because there will always be something you see that you will always compare it to like

[10:01 PM]this is so much better or i need to improve on this

[10:02 PM]but as long as it's expression and you're having fun it's so much more enjoyable and in my opinion is much better because it will have genuine meaning and genuine expression

just wondering

[10:24 PM]y did u trust me in telling me all this stuff

idk i'm an open book

[10:24 PM]you asked and i told

[10:25 PM]i have things and experiences and things like that that i feel like people could relate to

and can i give you a piece of advice

ya def

i see a lot of myself in you sometimes

[10:28 PM]i used to be very

[10:28 PM]interested by meaningful things

[10:28 PM]like a very

[10:28 PM]philosophical understanding

[10:28 PM]of life or people

[10:28 PM]i always looked for deeper meaning and important things

[10:28 PM]remember that life is just life, not complex nor simple

[10:28 PM]it's just life! and enjoy it

[10:29 PM]if it makes you happy to think deeply and ask people about what their life story is or just interesting stories and thoughts and ideas i mean go for it

[10:29 PM]but a lot of the time

[10:29 PM]it just adds complexity to things that don't need to be complex

[10:29 PM]take it easy

[10:29 PM]enjoy the little things without overthinking them

[10:30 PM]i hope that applied i could be wrong

[10:30 PM]i used to question everything but now instead of questioning i just experience

[10:30 PM]and let it happen

[10:31 PM]it might feel really cool and interesting that's how it did with me but after awhile it became kinda depressing realizing all that shit

[10:31 PM]reality is in your perspective

[10:31 PM]so anything you deem real is real

[10:32 PM]if i look at the world and i think about everything behind it and the people and the experiences it's going to seem very burdening and heavy and depressing

[10:33 PM]but if i see the world as just simply the world im living in and anything that comes my way just happens, it's a better perspective for me at least, maybe not to all

[10:33 PM]just something to think about:D have a nice day

i did not end up having a nice day

[friedpotat0]

its funny because the people that should care about you dont, and the people that shouldnt be bothered to care about you just waste their time over you. 

my parents dont know that i cry myself to sleep nearly every night, that i cry on the ride home, or that i wrote a suicide note and plan with full intention to kill myself before 2:30 on tuesday 10/29, they have no idea i think about my own death often or that i plan on killing myself before i turn 30, or how my body shakes every second of the day because everything is distracting or making me immensely nervous. they dont know im frustrated or irritated or that every little thing annoys the fuck out of me or how my paranoia is so bad i always perpetually feel like the entire world is against me, they dont know ive been seeing the counselor since high school and that the psychiatrist bluntly told me i have severe depression with bipolar 2 and prescribed me lamitrogine even though i really disagree with the diagnosis and wished they listened to my concerns about anxiety instead. 

people dont know these things bc i dont tell them and i dont want anyone to worry about me. im pretty good at hiding things bc ive been dealing with bad thoughts my whole life. but relentlessly i choose to believe in optimism because i believe in Allah and he is slowly guiding me through this hellscape. i hate crying in front of people, and i especially dont like have any attention on me ever (unless im playing the guitar, then shut up). i dont like being selfish and self absorbed. and i hate dwelling on the past.

its funny when ur own family has absolutely no idea whats going on because when you did tell them, when u were 14, about the suicidal thoughts and anxiety, they yelled at you and called u attention seeking, so u never told them about the weight loss or the scars or the suicide attempts. its so funny that the people that should care about you dont, and really just prize you as a trophy rather than a human being with thoughts and feelings. 

instead the counselor, my research supervisor, hell my fucking advisor has more concern over me than my own family and (certain) close “friends” ever will have in their lives. it means a lot to me that im finally getting some love and attention that ive always needed, but never realized it.

its funny how things get so distorted in your mind. you accomplish so much yet you feel like you did so little. i am so fatigued all the time, i already feel old, my skin is so dry and my body is so frail, my back aches endlessly, my lips are chapped and falling off, your feet always hurt, your hands are always cold, my mind is so worn. my nails are so brittle at this point and breaking at the edges. my skin is so fucked up id like to rip it off at this point. 

its so weird to me i wrote a whole suicide plan and suicide note and released it with every intention that i will kill myself before the end of the week but yet i am still here, very much alive and (arguably) healthy. with full intention to finish this semester. why? what happened there? and yet i still find myself looking back at that plan constantly with tears running down my face. i have a lot of tears. 

i wanted to kill myself since i was very very young. i remember when my mom would scream at me that she wishes i was dead and that i was her burden, nearly every day, and i would go to sleep crying praying to god he would kill me in my sleep. i would suffocate myself when i was 6 just to try to end it all. i barely had any friends growing up and if i did i saw them briefly in school or once every three months at some gathering. rarely did i leave the house or ever get involved in the community, except for the sports my dad would force me into. i had little social interaction, and not many adults in my life to look up to other than my mom. i never felt like her daughter, i felt like i was some sister of hers. i never had a loving maternal figure in my life, save for a few teachers i have had, god bless them. now she only loves me because i can do things for her. when she hit me she didnt love me. when she screamed at me every day she didnt love me. when she told me to kill myself she didnt do that out of love. she doeesnt remember any of these things and claimed i made it up. i feel like im in hell. she had a hard life, to be fair...but i would raise my daughter differently. i would prefer to stay away from the word “burden” when referring to my children. 

i have a good life and ill never dispute that ever. i was born with a lot of privilege. so why am i like this? who knows. you feel like your whole life was stolen from you and that you missed so many oppurtunities that you could have taken but every bone in your body screamed “no”. its bittersweet knowing that i am finally getting help but where was this help 6 years ago? how much more could i have accomplished if i had people in my life supporting me? and that i only receive this support recently? i only had two adult figures in my life and they were both my parents, my mom being very emotianally abusive and self centered with the maturity of a 6 year old, and my distant father who barely made any effort to listen to me, both who denies any sign of mental illness or health defects of any sort when the signs were clear. 

why are my parents so concerned about my marriage when they should really be concerned about me?

I feel so emotionally stunted, as if i am still 15 years old, becasuse i am finally allowed to leave my damn house. what a life i have lived, so uneventful. never allowed to leave or wear what you want, say what you want, do what you want, because you are a muslim girl. fun is banned in islam, and in my family, apparently. no sense of humor, style, color, everything is so bland and monotonous it makes you want to scream. no passion, no motivation, just the same robotic shit for 20 years. why would i want to live a life like this i ask myself? for the rest of my fucking life? id rather die. at least in hell i can do what i want.

i hate being in my skin. sometimes i hate being in my body too. i am forced to wear mutliple layers of thick makeup every single fucking day for 12-16 hours straight because my skin is that fucking terrible and ugly. i cant imagine being naturally beatiful and having clear skin and then boasting about it, on top of that. its so infuriating. i am so ugly. no one can convince me otherwise. i feel so trapped so trapped no one even knows. no one will ever really understand. i dont expect them to. i want to do so much but i can only do so little. im too frail and weak to do anything. im always so tired, and sad, to make things worse. i wish i had so much potential but i dont. im dead already on the inside, like a rotted tree. what hope is there left.

sometimes i want to leave my hometown without telling anyone and never come back. that would be fun. then i can finally have the freedom i want and the ability to actually explore my life like i should. then i can finally choose my own path to the future. but i am confined in my own mind, in my own house, in my own family, in my own city. fuck this.

now i look ahead to a hopefully brighter future. progress and healing is very slow and gradual. the only growth i should focus on is myself. for the sake of myself. and for the sake of God. i will make it i have to keep saying it, speak it into existence, because if i dont, ill wither away.