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[popcorn-plots]

vent post beneath the cut. today has been a roller coaster... one of the days that makes me wonder if I'm bipolar or something...

I'm feeling insecure about my capabilities and cognitive abilities. There's so much pressure on me in school, especially as an AP student, to just. get it. but I don't? i figured out why highschool english has been so hard for me -- it's because I'm struggling to grasp the concepts we've been talking about, but once someone explains it to me, I'm good. It's just interpreting everyone on my own is really difficult. Finding meaning is also really hard because we're analyzing texts like Frankenstein and King Lear and I'm coming from the writing aspect, where I made the curtains purple because that's a color I really like, but my English teachers want me to write an essay on what the yellow curtains in chapter 8 of a 200 year old novel represent and how they reflect the snobbish character's personality. I just don't get it!

and I know that if I tell my teachers, they'll probably help me, but it's super embarrassing and while it's a need I have, it feels like going to my AP teacher will out me as someone who doesn't truly belong in the AP class because I'm just stupid. It feels like I'm an impostor who isn't just getting it and barely passing the class by relying on others to explain it to a 5 year old so I can understand it. The worst thing is, it's not just English. It's almost every single class I'm in. Math, French, History, physics… and it's in other areas, like I can barely make a movie analysis because I don't see the bigger picture. It's only after I start researching the characters and movie reviews and biographies, then am I able to comprehend a deeper meaning.

It's horrible, and it does absolute wonders for me self-worth/confidence, and I have no idea how to just understand like everyone else in my class seems to be able to do on command.