#faxaen is sasster & calysa is roetrolls

[chowtrolls]

It'll All Decay.

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It took you two days to say goodbye to everyone for good after the trial. You were very specific about it. The last time you left for the Fleet without a goodbye, your matesprit died. So, you made sure you hunted down each person. 

Marsie was the easiest, for obvious reasons. Carbyn wasn’t too hard to hunt down, you got him when he was visiting Nesseo. Two birds, one stone. Daseos and Hanagi were the same. You gave Das a letter, and asked she give it to her reading teacher. 

Your siblings made their displeasure very clear. None of them liked your decision. Even Bertie seemed hesitant to speak to you. As you hugged Faxaen, you promised them it’d just be a couple weeks. You needed your things. And had to steal a cat. That got a smile out of them. Calysa was quiet, but there was more under her lime eyes that you didn’t dare dive into.

Mondes was the most difficult to track down. It seemed like he was avoiding you. His gaze was cold again. You felt like you were betraying some unspoken promise. All you could do was tell him the last time you forgot to say goodbye, someone died, and you’d had enough death for one sweep. You hesitated, resisting the urge to hug him. You stared at each other, silently, in some odd unspoken duel. You left first. 

Your moirail dropped you off at the shuttle. It wasn’t a lengthy or glamorous goodbye. He didn’t ask you to stay, or questioned why you wanted to go back. Tori was a good moirail like that. Or maybe you were a bad moirail for wanting him to not express his concerns. 

Time began to move in fast forward after you hugged him goodbye. 

You blinked, and suddenly, you were back in space. You didn’t even remember the shuttle back to Commander Almiss’ ship. You were just there. Breathing in the stale recycled air through the filter on your mask. Each step took an eternity. Everything felt hazy and unreal. You had to be asleep. Still on Alternia, sleeping on the floor of that AirBnb while Mondes made soup in the kitchen. You could almost smell the soup on the stove.

You were on the floor. But not the AirBnb. The floor of Paenit’s office, cradling Mavrik’s head in your arms. No soup, just blood. Violet blood stained the clothes you stole from your brother. That was all you could think of in that moment. How difficult those stains would be to get out. Bertie would never forgive you. Bertie would never forgive you, and another person you loved would die before you could help them. Selfish thoughts to have in the moment. 

Mavrik would have surgery to fix his jaw. You would confront Paenit about why he did it. But you didn’t have it in you to hate him for breaking Mavrik’s jaw. You just hold him as he cries,  go to sleep instead. 

And thus the cycle begins. You wake up. You counted the bandages in your cabinets, took stock of the medical supplies, reorganized the locked medicine box. You forced down food. You checked on Mav. You stared out a window in his recovery room. You went to sleep. 

Two days becomes two weeks. Two weeks of waking up, working in the med wing, checking on Mav, staring out a window, going to bed. 

Two weeks becomes a month. You stop eating. Mavrik is cleared to leave. He and his crew leave suddenly, and you forgot to say goodbye. 

One month turns into two. With Mav gone, you spend more time staring out the window in your block. You wake up, attempt and ultimately fail to organize your medical supplies. You stare out a window in some random spot of the ship until Paenit finds you, and tries to get you to eat. 

Three months. You tell your commander that he should find another medic. He just agreed, and you looked back out the window of his office. That’s the last time you speak to him. The medical wing you worked so hard on is now in disarray. You’re barely ever there. You spend a lot of time sleeping in Paenit’s office. And staring out the window. 

Five months. You’ve stopped talking entirely. Words took too much energy. You only eat when you’re told to. You haven’t left your block in weeks. All you do is stare out the window. Watching the stars go by. 

You think about her constantly. You watch the extraterrestrial clouds swirl around stars and space debris, and you think about her. How scared she must’ve been. How much pain she must’ve been in. You should’ve been out there. You could’ve stolen another ship, you should’ve called Mav to find her. If only you had gotten to her. Hanagi was a doctor, but maybe you could’ve done more. You would’ve given anything for one more minute with her. One more minute, and maybe you could’ve changed the way this played out. 

Was death kind to her? Did she find peace in the stars? Did she finally meet Daisee, if the afterlife was real? Could she hear your thoughts? Did she know she was loved? If by no one else, by you? Where does the soul rest if lost in the expanse of space? Was it wrong to miss someone who caused so much hurt? Did you tell her you loved her enough? You didn’t mourn the death of that uncaring, cruel version of her. You mourned for the little kid who held your hand as she took her first steps, who learned how to braid with your hair, who taught you how to climb high into the trees.  All anyone on Alternia could talk about was how horrible she was. The entire courtroom was filed with contempt for her. You sat in front of Alternia, and it took every ounce of self control not to scream into the cameras that she was still your sister. Everyone wanted her to be the villain. But even villains deserve to be mourned sometimes. 

Your lusus told you once that grief was just love with nowhere to go. Grief made people do horrible things. Didn’t you do horrible things when Festur died? You didn’t have a killer to hunt down, so you made yourself out to be the murderer. You tried to kill the person you used to be, made yourself a new face. There was more blood on your hands than Twitch could ever have fathomed being a possibility. Her academy’s simulations could never conjure up the things you’ve done in the name of grief and self destruction. Like now, for instance. 

You didn’t want your stuff. You didn’t want a medal, you didn’t want the cat you told Faxaen you’d steal. You didn’t come back for Mavrik, or Paenit, or your med wing. There was no way you could explain it, nobody would understand. You went back to space, because that’s where she died. And that was the only way you could be close to her again. Because you swear the stars were stained violet. 

You don’t know what day it is. You just miss her. And Daisee, and Festur, and Mezaka, and Necrol. And Marsie, and Mondes, and Toresce, and Hanagi, and even Paenit. You’re so sick of death that it consumes you to the point of mourning those still alive. 

You don’t know what time it is. But based on how sick you felt, Paenit was due to bring you another tray of tater tots. You barely touched the plate of hashbrowns he left. You hug your knees tighter to your chest, and rest your mask against the cool glass of the window. You were tired of this grief. You were tired of being tired. 

When Paenit brings a tray of food to your block this time, you don’t just stare at him silently. You hold out your arms. Take off your mask. And finally let someone hold you while you cry.