#fatal drinking game - take a shot every time mikayla has an insecure thought in this reply

[manslaught]

as much as a part of her wants to keep arguing, she knows there's no point. they're both equally stubborn, so they could likely go on for the rest of the night without ever delving into why exactly they should be afraid of the other. “yeah, we'll see.” —if they ever get that far, at least. because while they're both hiding parts of themselves from each other, the difference is that mikayla's secrets can't stay a secret forever, not if they're going to last. the thought is accompanied by the sinking feeling that they won't, that they can't, not when mikayla's part of the equation, when she's not the type of person people want to stay with. eventually, taissa will see that, too, and mikayla being mikayla will no longer mean something good. yet another thing she's afraid of, though this feels new, because she's never gotten far enough with anyone else to fear for their future.

“you don't have to apologize. it's fine. i don't know how to do any of it either.” it's equal parts comforting and frustrating, the fact that neither of them seem to be any good at this—on one hand, at least mikayla doesn't have to feel bad about being so inexperienced when it comes to openly feeling anything, but on the other, they're both navigating blind through all of this. “at least we both suck.” she tries to make it more lighthearted, because everything leading up until then has felt so heavy, and she doesn't know how to deal with that, either.

she does know, which is the only thing stopping her from being angry about it, even if she'd been getting there earlier. it had just felt safer, being mad as opposed to hurt, but maybe, after having seemingly fixed things with vulnerability rather than rage, she'll learn that there are far better methods. (but probably not, because it's been ingrained into her.) every second that tai doesn't say anything terrifies her, and mikayla almost begins to wonder if this is the way everyone before her had felt when she'd rejected them—the buildup of dread in the bottom of her stomach, nerves she's not used to because she's never put herself in a situation where she had to feel that way. it's not like her to doubt herself so much, but the paranoia eats away at her, tells her that tai rejecting her will only be karma for all the hearts she's broken in the past. she lets out a sigh of relief when tai speaks, not realizing she'd been holding her breath until then. “thank god,” she says in a breathy laugh, having to blink away tears as she opens her eyes, praying to the gods that tai won't say anything about it. one of her hands raises to the side of tai's neck, thumb skimming over her jawline as she leans in to press her lips to hers. “i'm sorry—for taking so long.”

tai sighs,  because she wants to believe it doesn't matter to her at all.   she has so many secrets she's harboring from her time in the wilderness,  and even if she could talk about it all,  she wouldn't want to ---  she's always been private,  but especially now as people claim to know more about her and her experiences than she's willing to give,   it's been even more important to her to never truly talk about it.  so if she wants to be private,  and she doesn't want anyone she's close with to start bugging her with unanswerable questions,  she doesn't want to do the same to someone she cares about.   she wouldn't even be able to guess what mikayla is referring to now,  but she's determined to believe it doesn't matter.  ❝  i don't care,  ❞   she says honestly.   ❝  you're mikayla.   and that's what matters to me.  ❞   she hears it -- how the same should be true for mikayla.  still,  she's too protective of her to let it go that easily.

 there is a strange sense of comfort in hearing that mikayla is afraid too.  part of her has always known that,  even when she was quick to anger or annoyance whenever mikayla disappeared on her suddenly ---  deep down, she always knew it was mostly about fear.  that's why she never dropped it, either,  why she kept holding onto hope that mikayla would eventually come back around as she always did --- and it was up to tai to try to make her feel comfortable when she did.  ❝  yeah,  ❞   she says quietly,  some tension releasing from her shoulders.   ❝  i guess we're both scared.  ❞   it's easier to accept that thought knowing she's not alone;  she hopes the same is true for mikayla.   she starts to sigh when mikayla claims she won't hurt her,  but as she goes on,  she is slightly relieved to hear her make that promise.  it's not exactly what tai needs,  because what she really needs is something she doesn't want --- and that's losing mikayla.  so if this is the solution they have,  then she'll try to make it work,  because she wants mikayla.  at this point,  she doesn't know how to not have her in her life.   ❝  thank you,  ❞    she says quietly,  taking a deep breath and shaking her head.   ❝  i'm sorry.  for being like this.  i just don't know how to do any of this,  and that kind of fucks me up,  ❞   she admits.   'this' being---  not only a relationship,  but letting someone in again,  after all she'd been through.  it's scary,  but mikayla makes it feel worth it.

when mikayla moves her arms around her,  tai's body tenses only for a moment before she allows herself to relax in the comfort of her warmth.   it's soft,  sweet,  and contradictory to everything she felt a while ago,  when she had convinced herself it was time to walk away from mikayla  (  maybe part of her knew that that wasn't going to happen,  anyway.  )   her arms slowly move to wrap around her,  melting into her hug with her head resting against hers.   when she hears mikayla speak again,  her eyes shut,  regretful for the way she approached any of this,  even if she had stood by it in the moment.  ❝  i'm just--- in my own head.  you know how it is,  ❞   she reminds,  hoping that mikayla might grant her some grace.   her eyes shoot open in shock when mikayla states clearly that she wants to be with her;   they've both made that as obvious as possible,  yet tai is still so surprised to actually hear it.  it makes her feel even more foolish for trying to walk away today.   she doesn't say anything yet,  only holding her tighter just as mikayla does to her.  maybe there's still part of her that is too afraid to really give into this,  but a louder part cares too much to let her go.  she lets out a small breath before she pulls back herself, her forehead resting against hers.  she doesn't open her eyes yet,  only letting themselves have this moment as she searches for the right words.   ❝  i won't be any good either,  ❞   she whispers,   finally opening her eyes now.   ❝  but i want to be with you, too.  i really do.  ❞