#fat trans women make me happy tbh

[interplanetarypurplythornyrose]

Tips for losing weight as a transfem:

1. Don't

2. Seriously don't do that

3. Okay fine if you must know, milkshakes are great appetite suppressants, drink three or four a day :))))

[euniexenoblade]

I hope this is alright to ask you (and your followers if they want to chime in!) but when you see art of trans women, what features do you most want to see on her? whether you see it as representing yourself or not, just what characteristics do you want to see positively portrayed in art of trans women?

context- I'm doing a series of commissions for a friend (who is a trans woman) and trying to figure out what features to include or highlight in addition to the requests she gave me

I'm generally happy to see an trans women's bodies tbh. The broad shoulders, the bit of chunk, the dick body hair, I think any decision you make will be a welcomed decision. Whether it's a flat chested non op girl or a busty fat post op girl, I think most trans women would just be happy to see the art. :)

(for the record im a chunky, busty non op lady so ya know, i like to see that and stretch marks and just, normal body shit)

[cacklingblobbittyrabbitty]

super super unhinged rainbow magic post 9 of 12

If you thought the creation of an entire backstory for Bethany the Ballet Fairy was extreme please brace yourself further it’s gonna get EVEN BETTER

SPORTS FAIRIES

Helena

She do be riding horses doe - she’s doing the dressage babey and she’s a successful medal winner!

This is top quality shit man

Favourite part: sparkly boots!!!

Least favourite part: kill me the necklaces are back

Cute hairnet tho we love some safety!

Francesca

First braids! Whoop whoop! However some of the beads are not attached to her braids lmao

I want the hair to be a darker brown colour as well tbh

Necklace ew murder murder death death death

Shoes don’t match her outfit and it HURTS

Apart from that the outfit is basic but cute (crop makes it cute)

Pulls off the knee-high footie socks surprisingly well

HEADCANONS:

Dynamic attacker (not defender thank you very much), she kisses her girlfriend on the field, and she plays for brazil

Zoe

YESSSSSSS THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL DYNAMIC

Why is her left skate so fat has she broken + taped her ankle? This is canon now that she has, bitch has broken EVERY bone possible

The fingerless gloves are INCREDIBLE

I’m glad about the lack of elbow guards because they would reduce the pointiness of her elbows which are the single most effective murder weapon in fairyland

I love the stars! It’s so 80s and cheesy and I love them!

Why is her necklace a roller skate wheel though (rolls eyes)

Dyed hair?? A queen

A great red

She dyed it to match her skates!

COMMITTED TO HER SPORT also she has a trophy wall plus she roller-derby-murders women in her spare time and she’s happy about it

HEADCANONS:

Naomi - there is no netball in the united states (there is no war in ba sing se)

Can’t believe that this girl has bunches, ribbons AND a headband!!! It’s overkill imo

The necklace is a decent size but AS PER FUCKIN USUAL would be better if not there

Trainers are cute

It’s a netball outfit! At least it’s cuter than my high school netball outfits, but that’s because it’s a middle-class-ass netball outfit but I do like the peppiness

Strong use of colour! Thumbs up!

Trans girl that secretly wants to be a horse girl (gasp but like fair enough horses are objectively cooler than netball, even though she plays for the school team)

Hey you definitely Do Not Remember Bethany the Ballet Fairy’s chin shape but Naomi has the same one which means SHE IS BETHANY’S LITTLE SISTER

HEADCANONS:

Samantha (swimming)

The grey streaks are perplexing cos surely she’s not Old but honestly she is kinda rocking it, I love the hair but you Know it’s full of salt at all times

The use of goggles as a headband is decently cute!

Why does it have to be a two-piece if it’s going to cover the same amount of torso as a one-piece? I guess it makes going to the loo easy tho tbf

Very 2000s design omg

Fucking skirt could be cute but you can tell it feels so horribly artifical

Anklet is cute!

Barefoot QUEEN in tune with nature

Mum friend - she is the sunscreen queen, she has an straw beach bag entirely full of snacks, and she is so nice and chill   

She is not a professional swimmer AT ALL, she just goes to the swimming pool at the resort every year

Possibly the only straight fairy (experimented once with a girl but mainly likes men)

She knows breaststroke and doggy paddle and she thinks doggy paddle is a stroke

Everyone else is super fucking stressed out at the pool doing like actual lengths and exercise and Samantha is like do you want to come and do backflips with me in the deep end?

HEADCANONS:

Alice

The swirls are so cute! She definitely embroidered them herself

I want it to be a dress with a slightly higher waistline instead of a top with an overly long torso

Great job on a matching tennis racket that goes with your accessories - she painted it, DIY queen

Hair is BEAUTIFUL

Shoes are from the year 3000 omg so modernnnnn

The lil visor thing! Adorable! SO iconic

Alice is Naomi’s twin sister and Bethany’s younger sister, and she’s a massive girly girl. She’s the youngest child in the family, there’s not much pressure on her so she’s a chill kid. She’s cis and she’s a massive ally. Alice is absolutely the most likely out of everyone to go to the swimming pool with Samantha - Bethany never comes with her but 50% of the time Alice can get Naomi to come and hang out at the pool

Gemma

RHYTHMIC GYMNASTICS REPRESENTATION BABEY with the HOOPS and the RIBBON hell YEAH she definitely competes internationally

Outfit is bloody beautiful and it MATCHES HER HOOP

The yellow leggings are stupid but I like them

Her hair is in competition mode rn it is a good SOLID bun - the ribbon is for aesthetic only

Colour scheme showing support for Ukraine

Necklace is NOT gymnastics worthy full stop

[this-danny-boy]

💜Here read me I’m pinned💜

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

About me 👀

💚 Call me Danny or Dan (I also respond to Danny Magnum or just Daniel 👀)

💚 I’m a transmasc/kinda genderqueer little gayboy who is currently living deep down in that fucking closet

💚 I’m absolutely crazy for masc-aligned peeps I love/want to kiss them hehe

💚 I’m some kind of grey-ace spec (maybe Demisexual?)

💚 I may reblog triggering content. (But will tag as tw:trigger - So like,,, careful scrolling down there if that’s not what you want to see/read.

💚 I’m still trying to figure myself out and I’m kinda scared by it tbh but I’ve got this blog here and I’m gonna try and like ,,,, idk figure it out I guess lmao

💚 I’m an adult person who swears a lot so like ,,, feel free to not interact in that makes you uncomfy

💚 I’m a huge fucking simp and will sometimes post fandom related stuff; listed below:

- p&f/ Love Händel

- Twilight/ bg chars spec

- Fuckin cowboys dude just in general lmao

- Other stuff will add later

〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️

Feel free to like talk to me I’m always happy to make new friends; that being said:

I absolutely do not want minors anywhere near this blog; if I become aware of your presence I will block you - no exceptions; - will also block anyone without their age clearly stated

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

See below for DNIs

❌Do not interact: (Trauma/NSFW Related:)❌

—

- a minor or over 40 (trauma related)

- wlw/nblw nsfw blog (in particular posting nsfw images of women) -> This preference relates to gender not body type. I don’t mind tiddy or puss if they’re not attached to a woman. Again, this is a preference driven by trauma. Don’t ask me because I will not elaborate.

- feederism / fat fetishisation blogs, particularly by non-fat people

-> (general nsfw blogs by fat people themselves is a big yes tho) 💚

——————————

❌Do not interact: (Dickhead behaviour:)❌

- any flavour of exclusionist (Ace/Trans-queer Exclusionist especially)

- a radfem, racist or condone racism, misogynistic, basically any kind of dickhead ignorant rude ass fuckers I will block you so fast

- MAP supporters or those that call themselves MAPS; or any kind of abuser apologist

[mllemouse]

Tw Idk gender confusion???? I am throwing this here to the void bc I've been talking to myself literally all day and really very often for the last few weeks and maybe if I write it it will becomeore cohesive. On mobile, can't put in a jump so just be forewarned of a deluge.

Tw cancer and surgery and imagined gore!!!

Okay so. J tells me they're non-binary, that's very cool to me, but embarrassing after I told them I go by my first initial online bc I'm an easy Google, thinking they were a basic straight boy. (Also, the main reason I even liked them was bc in their profile they are beautiful and a lil feminine and I am just oblivious as fuck!!) I started going by an initial like 8-10 years ago and since have slowly been changing up my name where possible as I come across a new place it's stored.

Tbh I originally consciously chose an initial bc I just didn't want people immediately judging me as a woman. It infiltrated my personal life some, there are people who just call me L, my ex referred to me as L in all his notes, my mum addresses postcards and packages to me as L, and it's given me a lot of delight! The idea that people don't know my gender, or that they know and choose to continue using the initial has always left me just chuffed. I knew a couple other people that came out and switched to an initial as their name everywhere, but like didn't connect it to myself until J asked about it specifically bc they had a hunch I was also nb. (Honestly, my opening profile line is 'be the love child of Tilda Swinton and Frances McDormand you wish to see in the world' and then the whole profile is me in my glasses and nerd clothes... It's uh, not a stretch now that I look at it.)

I quickly did some refreshing on definitions and language, which punted me straight back to middle school when I hit puberty and started feeling so! Deeply! Uncomfortable! In my body. I used to stand in front of my mirror in my undies and stare in horror at what was happening. I had been wearing a bra since grade 5 out of shame in the girl's changing room for gym, that was less of an issue (I literally threw out those bras when I went to college bc they just got ratty, not bc I grew out of them!), but I watched my hips develop and envisioned having them sawed back down so they could be narrow again. I also got my period in middle school and have loathed it ever since. I wished I was a boy but only for the ease of keeping my body; I didn't want to dress different or change my interests. I wasn't raised in away that dictated male or female activities/interests or even clothing -- except I hated that my brother was allowed to go topless in public whereas I could only do so in a backyard -- yet gender noncomformity, while always accepted, was just not that actively encouraged. Educators told us what to expect during puberty but never that we should tell someone if we were so distraught over it.

I didn't really get much in the way of boobs but I used a tensor bandage as a binder through middle and high school (not even knowing what that was, I just wanted to be flat and saw Gwyneth Paltrow do it in Shakespeare in Love!), I remember sneaking it into my bags for college, but I don't have specific memories of using it then. I was kind of happy with them at figure skating bc I ended up being like the only girl who didn't need a bra or padding in her dresses, my mum just sewed a triple layer of fabric in the front for warmth and I was good to go. I was deeply ashamed of my hips and thighs however, and we got in fights over my skirts all the time.

By the end of high school I was fantasizing about plastic surgery and a hysterectomy. At one point I wished cancer upon myself so I would have an excuse for a mastectomy and hysterectomy. My mum actually got cervical cancer and I was, I'm so sad to admit, slightly jealous.

I came to Tumblr and found the fitblr community quickly after quitting skating and dealing with mono, feeling a need to get back into something competitive. I quickly came to loathe not only my own but other women's bodies through the inspirational photos. I loved the men's bodies, and operated with a goal of getting my body fat low enough (like, aimed for a men's recommended percentage, my period could go to hell) while building muscle that I would maybe narrow my hips and shrink my breasts, while having visibly muscular abs and arms.

I'm not sure if it's a net positive thing that I crashed on my shoulder and haven't been able to fully return to the training I wanted to? After the crash I really tried to treat myself better. The body positive movement was telling me to vehemently love all of my body (nevermind it's almost solely geared towards able bodied cis women), and I tried. And I got distracted: moved away, fell in love, discovered I am probably autistic, made some significant life goals. So by the time I was settled here and feeling like I could experiment more, I channeled that entirely through clothing rather than change my body. First dictated by what's comfy (we don't do a synthetic fibre or picky knits on this body), then by how I wanted to present myself to the world: obv, Tilda Swinton in a suit. By this point I have forgotten middle school, high school, and college.

And basically, though I was somewhat consciously changing my name to an initial and intentionally dressing predominantly masculine (but like blazers and trousers and oxfords aren't... Gendered??) as a rejection of toxic patriarchy and capitalism, I ended up not even thinking it could be a gender thing until J did a double take on my name. I have thought about it occasionally over the years and honestly just never thought I was uncomfortable enough to even say I may be non-binary, let alone do anything about it. trans? I can't feel like I hold any ownership over the word. Which now seems... Insane. How did I rationalize wishing violence upon my body and putting it through truly damaging physical duress for nearly two decades in pursuit of obscuring the stuff that made me female. And don't get me wrong, I love a good dress, I tolerate skirts, sometimes I wear heels bc I like to be tall and feel powerful, and I like my face and my long hair, and sometimes I wear makeup because I think I look pretty even though it makes me want to claw my face off. (And have realised that a LOT of the way I have styled myself in the past was purely self objectification for men and not actually what I enjoyed.) I just... ???? Is that not trans enough? I still don't know!!

Anyway to end on a positive, shout-out to my mum who just doesn't give a fuck abt what I do, as she quickly changed her correspondence to me to exclusively my initial, and has always shopped in the men's section with me, and is currently making me a historically accurate 18th century men's outfit so I can really be the boyish chaos I want to see in the world. Tilda and Frances' love child indeed.

[humboldtfog]

Years of depression has prepared me very well for the current state of affairs which is weird but whatever here’s a list of my faves on netflix, if I’m missing something let me know cause now’s the time, right?

I'm kinda embarrassed by how long this list is but also kinda like fuck that, there have been very long periods of time where it was either sit and watch shows all day or lie down and stare at the wall in silence all day so I chose the former and it adds up and there's nothing wrong with that.

Glow (Badass ladies learn to wrestle, great 80s aesthetics and grrrrl power.)

Our Planet (Netflix version of Planet Earth, beautiful, cute, terrifying that we aren’t doing more to save us all.)

Bojack Horseman (Hilarious and “deep” critique of LA and celebrity culture for people who don’t care about LA or celebrity culture. Also very funny visual jokes about how if animals were also kinda humans, and lots of great jokes about cliches and tropes, puns, and weirdly rhyming and alliteration? I don’t know how to explain it just watch it.)

Father Brown (BBC, based on mystery novels about a priest who always meddles in police business and solves murders in his small English countryside town.)

Pose (The Ball scene in NY in the 80s, poc queer and trans writers and actors bringing their people’s stories to life. So much joy, so much beauty, but also NYC in the 80s so you will cry.)

Paris is Burning (Documentary made during the Ball scene Pose is based on.)

Sex Education (Such empowering representations of all walks of gender and sexuality, and actually very educational, like I would straight up show this in schools because everyone would be very entertained and would learn a lot more than they teach in a lot of schools.)

What Happened Miss Simone (Documentary about Nina Simone’s life, music and the activism the establishment/ government worked to suppress and used to blacklist her.)

Night on Earth (Low light camera technology has gotten hella good and they’re starting to learn stuff about animals’ behaviors at night that they’ve never been able to study before.)

Call the Midwife (Follows stories from the midwives that worked in the East End of London after the war, based on memoirs. Interesting look at the kind of life of poverty people led before there were many large hospitals or birth control, right as the British were implementing their universal healthcare program.)

The Great British Baking Show (Everyone’s so nice and everything looks so good!)

Atypical (Dramady about a high schooler with autism and his family, very funny and great representations of autism and how to be a good dude.)

Parks and Recreation (Just very funny and everyone knows it. Amazing ensemble cast, and they still keeps in touch through a group chat awww doesn’t that say something!)

Kim’s Convenience (Canadian comedy about family of first and second gen Korean immigrants that’s just a really solid funny modern day sitcom.)

Queer Eye (I feel like if everyone in this world could get a life makeover from these guys we just wouldn’t be here right now.)

Obvious Child (Jenny Slate accidentally gets pregnant and gets an abortion. It’s funny and it’s realistic, we’re not all Juno.)

Maria Bamford: the Special Special Special (Rad lady comedian not afraid to talk about her mental health and lack thereof and very vocal about the stigma surrounding mental health problems and I very much relate to. My favorite standup probably ever. I could make a list just for standup so message me if you’d like more suggestions.)

Monty Python (Flying Circus, movies, doc, ect. “The Beatles of comedy” is the cliche but it's true.)

Easy (Very unconventional non-narrative structure and editing, following random people in Chicago in a very real life feeling way. Different story each episode, but sometimes characters show up briefly in each other’s lives or return for a second episode.)

Everything Sucks! (High school nerds and lesbians and theater geeks in the 90s! I’m so sad this only got one season I rewatched it recently and it’s just so solid.)

She’s Gotta Have It (Revival of Spike Lee’s first movie, black girl magic, art world, gentrified New York, lots of sex.)

The Office (Classic, holds up very well, totally solid throughout, worth a rewatch. Also if you're a fan Jenna Ficher and Angela Davis are doing a rewatch podcast jsyk.)

Billy on the Street (Mindless game show for laughs, amazing gay comedian runs around New York yelling questions at them. I watch this with my dad and he can’t help but snort even when it’s “inappropriate” or “juvenile” so you know it’s good.)

Good Girls (Some lower middle class family ladies that are all about to be broke decide to rob the grocery store one of them works at, but they accidentally cross a gang that stored their cash there, so they gotta pay it back, and of course can’t help but get deeper and deeper into it. Very suspenseful like your heart rate will go up and stay up. )

Arrested Development (It’s just funny, as you've probably heard, but I'm telling you it just really is.)

The Laundromat (Tells the stories of a few of the people involved in the panama papers in different ways, explains in an entertaining way how money laundering works in a way that made it mostly make sense even to me. The rich get richer, and Meryl Streep is here to tell them to fuck off and pay their taxes.)

Russian Doll (She keeps dying and coming back to the same moment over and over and can’t figure out how to stop the cycle or why so kinda sci fi, very suspenseful, big cliff hanger ending, or rather no ending, and just found out season two filming is delayed because virus which is very annoying!!)

Dear White People (Show picking up where the movie left off, after a frat hosts a black face party and the ivy league college is forced to deal with racism.)

Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings (Stories based on Dolly songs. Very Hallmark channel, you will cry.)

Episodes (Show about two British writers making a version of their BBC show for American tv. Kind of meta, very funny, Matt LaBlanc plays himself and it's great.)

Dumplin’ (Fat girl grows up with a beauty pageant winning mom and enters one herself with the help of her late aunt’s Dolly Parton drag queen friends.)

Lunatics (Chris Lilley is the best character actor ever, all his shows are just him playing different parts and you seriously forget it’s all one actor, even when he’s playing teenage girls.)

Jane the Virgin (Prime time soap opera about a girl who is engaged and waiting until marrige and is accidentally inseminated with the only sperm sample of a man who’s had cancer so decides to keep the baby, very heavy on the soap opera cliches in a meta way but also that’s what it is. So good at first but after the first three or so seasons it gets too much tbh though.)

Zumbo’s Just Desserts (Australian Bake show but with just sweet stuff and pressure to be avant garde.)

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (Jerry Sienfeld goes out with funny people to coffee and lunch in fancy cars and they have funny conversations.)

One Day at a Time (Very very cheesy laugh track sitcom, like the kind of thing my grandma would watch, but it makes me so happy it’s doing a great job eplaining really woke concepts like queer pronouns and ptsd and addiction and white privilege to people like my grandma!)

Orange is the New Black (Good stories about very diverse characters, I’d say by starting it off about a upper middle class white girl it tricks privileged white people into watching and then encountering the more realistic stories of women who go to prison and how the system treats prisoners. Ending of season two is super solid and you can stop it there, season three is a really great critique of the privatization of prisons. I admit it goes on and on to the point that it’s stressful and after watching it spread out over years I can’t remember/ keep up with all the different story lines, though they’re all good stories to tell.)

Space Jam (Just saw while scrolling for more ideas this was added! One of the greatest sports movies of all time obviously.)

Bonus amazon prime shows, I try to avoid Amazon in general but these are just too good if you know a prime member who you can't convince not to give their money to amazon so they might as well give you their login (like yer dad).

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (A 1950s New York upper class Jewish house wife gets dumped and starts doing stand up, so funny, great actors, and they seriously transform NY back into another era.)

Good Omens (Mini series based off Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s satirical novel about the biblical apocalypse, very funny, very smart, very British, does the book pretty solid justice.)

There are other decent things that aren’t included, I’d say these are solid recs for a general list of genres all over the map without letting it get to a ridiculously unhelpful length. I feel like I’d be good at the “if you like this then you’ll also like…” so let me know if some of these are your favorites too and want personal recs for what to watch next based on a brain instead of an algorithm.

If you want to have a remote date and watch things together on video chat or one of those watch party sites or just tell me what to watch next here’s some stuff on my list I’ve been curious about or not sure about or don’t want to watch alone or have been putting off, and now’s the time right?: Strangers Things, I Am Not Okay With This, Black Panther, The Betty White doc, John Mulaney Snack Lunch Bunch, Dead to Me, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, A Wrinkle in Time, The Little Prince, Maniac, Wet Hot American Summer reboots, and a bunch of different standup specials from comedians I like.

[drunken-amethysts]

so, i was planning to take a few weeks away from all this but i could feel myself getting agitated over not being able to write stuff for my characters. x___x i am weak but creating and building characters has become my special interest (as well as parrots... don’t get me started about parrots #thatautisticlife)

under a read more because this is kind of long but i want people to read this and understand. this is all jumbled because my feelings are all *keysmash* but this is the best i can do atm.

tbh i was at the point that i wanted to just delete everything and lock myself away because i get enough shit irl for being trans, i don’t need it leeching into my hobby (? idk i started rping to improve my english writing skills, so it’s not exactly a relaxing hobby.)

i’m just tired of having to preform hyper-masculinity through my character. i already purged enough ‘feminine’ qualities from him to appease the people i used to rp with. i get shit scared of writing about him spending time with his kids, having him do things that other people think of as ‘traditionally feminine’ because then my transness will be put into question and i’ll be told i can’t write a man so how can i be a man. i get scared when i write him having any emotions even though you may have noticed he is a sensitive person underneath it all because i’ve been told ‘only women have emotions’. i get scared writing anything to do with his attraction to men/masculine presenting people because i’ve spent time around people in this community who think it’s perfectly ok to do/say homophobic things constantly. i’ve had to hide my own bisexuality because i've been scared that the group of people i hung out with in game in the past would hate me if they found out. it’s fucking stressful.

the reason i created i’zhet was so i could write a character untainted by others expectations and here’s the thing... i’zhet is trans and through writing stuff about him i came to realize that i wasn’t non-binary like i thought for a while but that i am in fact a trans man (i feel like 90% man, 10% ??? but i think the dysphoria is doing that). i have never in my whole entire life felt like a girl/woman despite the two fat lumps on my chest that won’t flatten to look like anything other than breasts when i bind. this character has helped a lot, compared to nhago’to, who has caused a lot of stress, hence the slight favoritism... >>

i’zhet is also free to have some of the more ‘feminine’ qualities that nhago’to lost through me trying to make cis people happy. i’zhet is my character made just for me, a trans person, and i don’t care if that is selfish.

i still have to play the role of ‘woman’ irl just to make the people around me happy, to avoid their disappointment/disgust at me. it makes me feel unhappy, it makes me feel like i am not a real person. i haven’t done all this for ‘teh yaoiz’. i haven’t done this for a fetish. and i need people to understand this. being able to write a character with the same sexuality and gender as you when you aren’t able to do this irl is freeing, my characters aren’t me but that is the best part of all this, i get to take a break from me and the dysphoria.

[samsaprat]

Smells Like Summer

01.05.18

(first and foremost allow me to apologise for my grumpy face. seemingly the only good photo of my face all month.)

So, it’s been a month since my last proper post (I’ve decided to go monthly now to keep myself from stressing about it.) I’ve finished my first year of Uni and am feeling all sorts of emotions, but I guess I’ll catch you up from the beginning. 

Half term was tough; I came out as trans to my Nan (who was fine, although she did take pitty.) My parents are no closer to getting my pronouns right than they were a year ago, but they're using my name faaairly well now, so there's that. I was also able to have a good conversation with a family friend, who is family, really, about their trans kid and what my plans are and how it’s all going. It’s good there are people around me that are there. Having family support probably makes me one of the luckiest guys tbh.

Coming back, the first few days were almost blissful. The sun was out, it was finally warm, I received a letter stating I have in fact been referred to the gender clinic and my second binder had arrived! It's also just nice to be around people that kind've get it and have only known me as Sam. It seems harsh; my parents do try, but it's massively comforting to be around people that only know me as a guy (albeit a trans guy) but none of them are conditioned to call me by my dead name or old pronouns which makes day-to-day much more comfortable.

However, once the work kicked back up to meet the deadlines, things quite quickly got worse. I found myself in mindsets that I haven’t been in in a looong time and it was worrying. I was being the person I thought I’d managed to bury. I guess moving on isn’t as simple as moving away. Despite that though, my friends are still all here, I handed in my work and have finally been able to have some time to myself.

I planned to do loads already. Go on days out, draw more, try to get the online presence going and hopefully start selling work etc. However, all I’ve actually managed to do is get fat, see Love, Simon twice and lay in bed thinking about boys all day. Classic, Sam.

This is by no means a dig at Love, Simon. That film is beautiful and is honestly so much more than I expected it to be. I so thoroughly expected it to be another half sob-story about a gay white guy in the closet - a story I’ve heard a thousand times before - and although that is kind’ve what it is, the way the creators have dealt with the content is nothing short of superb. It’s funny when it needs to be, it’s difficult when it needs to be and the story actually feels weighted, as it should.

It’s partly this wonder of film-making that’s sparked a recurrence in my head ever since that solely involves a lot of boys and an awful lot of kissing. Not a complaint, but damn that Ferris wheel. Don’t think it’s completely taken away from still being into women.. but jesus, men.

To clarify, as I haven’t technically come out here yet, I’m Pan. When it comes to attraction, I couldn’t care less what someone’s gender is. I have no preference or limitations. For me, if you’re cute and funny then I’m likely to find you attractive, however you identify. 

(side note: you’d think this would get me loads of dates but it, in fact, does not. I’m very single. Help.)

Saying that, I have found that I can go through kind of phases of being attracted largely to one identity. Like, right now, I’m near obsessing over boys. I can’t really stop thinking about boys and having boyfriends and how cool that would be. It doesn’t take away from the fact that in reality I really don’t mind on gender identity for partners but my lil imagination right now is doing gay-man overtime. If it weren’t for there being so many cute guys around, I’d say it was getting problematic.

My mind being filled with so much gay stuff and dreaming about boyfriends has been slightly helpful though. It’s kind’ve solidified my decision to go ahead with bottom surgery. Prior to recent weeks, I was sure I wanted HRT, top surgery but was still kind’ve looking into bottom surgery and deciding whether or not it was what I wanted. After mulling things over thinking about being with a guy, it’s made it pretty clear to me that I don’t think I could be happy in my current position and be with another man. It’s brought up an awful lot of insecurities I have around myself and second-guessing and asking “am I just a straight chick?” which really is not the case. Reality is, I want to fully and completely be a man, penis included. (Apologies for the bluntness but really how else do I explain that?...)

Now it’s just a case of telling my parents. It’s gonna be tough. They’re still telling me to put off trying to get top surgery until I’m in my 30s which is not happening. I know it’s out of worry for me- my Mum’s a class-A worrier and is especially petrified of surgery which is not a brilliant combination. I think it’s about time that I do just straight up tell them. No more umm-ing and ahr-ing which I’ve been doing until now. I just need to tell them that being pre-everything is kind’ve ruining me and when I see my future, I see myself as a man, and for me to full-fill that dream while my body is still young and able and to ensure that as much of my future is as happy as possible, I need to start that process now. With or without them.

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So, long story short, it’s been a bit of a ride. I got fat, I got stressed, I got deadnamed and misgendered, I spent too much and have developed an unhealthy obsession with men, apple juice and jammie Wagon Wheels (the only acceptable wagon wheel) BUT boys are very cute, checking out boys in the supermarket is now an official favourite passtime, I’m more sure of who I really want to be and where I want to go, the sun’s out, and I can sleep all day with only my mum to tell me off. Oh AND I’m going to the zoo AND the aquarium in the next few weeks. Perfect date. If only there were someone to enjoy them with. Dammit.

Anyway, this is a long update and I’m kind of sick of talking now. Half of you bastards probably aren’t that bothered by the crap in my head anyways. So, I’m done.

This has been samsaprat talking about shit no one really cares about.

See you again next month.

Peace.