#far one way and tried to right myself but instead i capsized the whole thing. :(

[fingertipsmp3]

I fell off the massage table 🙃

[waveridden]

FIC: the high noon age of time

None of them know what AuDy actually is, but on a pirate ship with a water nymph-slash-mermaid prince, a famous poet, and a guy who can literally control the ocean, they’re probably the least weird one here. Or, actually, maybe Mako is. At least Mako has a recognizable species.

(Or: the one where the Chime are pirates. 2.4k, gen but Cass/Mako if you squint. content warnings apply for minor sword/gun violence, but no major injuries.)

AUcember || read on Ao3

#

“Okay,” Cass says. “let’s go over it one more time.”

Mako groans as loudly as he possibly can, leaning back in his chair till it’s tipped back on its back legs. “Literally what else is there to go over, Cass, oh my god. ”

Cass ignores him, because they’re cruel and inconsiderate. “We get on the ship. We steal the supplies. We get off the ship.”

“You need to define ‘we,’” AuDy says, which is colossally unhelpful. Mako glares balefully at them, which they ignore, because they’re also cruel and inconsiderate. “Am I staying on the Kingdom Come?”

“You’re steering our ship. Aria and I are fighting. Mako-” Cass’s eyes cut over to him, and then narrow. “What are you doing?”

Mako pauses in fiddling with the collar of his jacket. “Maybe I wanna be comfortable when I’m plundering a ship, you ever think about that? Just because we’re pirates-”

“Privateers,” says Aria.

“Just because we’re privateers,” he corrects himself, because if Aria is the only person being nice to him than he’s going to be nice back, “doesn’t mean we have to be, like, ugly or uncomfortable or whatever. I’m gonna wear my cool jacket and make sure that the ships don’t drift too far apart. I know what I’m doing, because it’s the same thing we do every single time we have to plunder a ship.”

“I don’t know how I feel about the word plunder,” Aria says thoughtfully. “Like, if we’re stealing medicine and supplies for people who need them-”

“Aren’t we still stealing them from people who need them?”

“Everyone needs medicine, Mako.”

“Not everyone,” says AuDy. Mako forgets sometimes that Audy is some weird magical water-wood… sprite… thing, especially now that they’ve started wearing cool coats that cover most of their body.

He tilts his head. “If we got fertilizer-”

“Mako,” Cass says, in a tone of voice that normally means that he needs to shut up. None of them know what AuDy actually is, but on a pirate ship with a water nymph-slash-mermaid prince, a famous poet, and a guy who can literally control the ocean, they’re probably the least weird one here. Or, actually, maybe Mako is. At least Mako has a recognizable species.

Mako lifts his hands in surrender for half a second, before returning to fiddle with his collar. “My point is, we’re using the same plan we always use, and I don’t know why we need a fifteen minute meeting to go over the same plan every single time.”

“Sometimes there are variations,” Aria points out. “Sometimes I use a whip. Sometimes I use a sword instead.”

“Ah,” AuDy says. “Critical differences that are worth my time.”

AuDy has been learning sarcasm. Mako is very, very proud of them.

Cass pinches the bridge of their nose. “Maybe I just want to remind you guys that we’re about to commit a robbery, did you think about that?”

“Wow,” Aria says. “No, you’re right, Cass, I totally forgot what privateering is all about.” She twirls her hair around one finger, a gesture that’s completely at odds with the stony glare she’s currently shooting at them.

“I feel like this is a bad omen,” Mako says to nobody in particular. “Hey, Aria, are you gonna use the whip or the sword this time?”

“Ask Cass, see what they think.”

Cass goes quiet, for just a beat too long. Mako’s eyes widen. “Do you actually have an answer?”

“I am trying to make sure we get out of this in one piece,” Cass says, sounding pained. “But you know what? You’re right. Nothing has ever gone so wrong we couldn’t fix it.”

Mako feels guilty for a fraction of a moment, because Cass actually looks pretty strained over this. And they have, like, actual military experience that they’re wasting on trying to keep a crew of pirates (they’re definitely pirates, no matter what Aria says) from capsizing a boat or something. But at the same time, nothing has gone wrong yet, other than that one time Mako got shot, or that other time that both he and Aria got shot. And they were fine after that, so he really doesn’t know what Cass is so worried about.

AuDy gets to their feet. “I am going to ensure that we’re on course,” they say. “It’s a good plan, Cass.”

Cass sighs, and the guilty fraction of a moment becomes a couple of full, guilty moments. “Thanks, AuDy.”

“I never said it wasn’t a good plan,” Mako protests. “My whole point is that it works!”

Aria nudges his calf with her foot. “You couldn’t come up with a better plan.”

“I absolutely could,” Mako says. “I’ll just capsize their boat, and we’ll get a net. Foolproof. Fool-fucking-proof.”

Cass sighs loudly, which is their equivalent of a laugh when they’re stressed. Mako will take it.

  #

  Their classic Kingdom Come four-phase plan goes perfectly, at least for phase one: get up close to the boat they’re trying to rob.

Mako’s gotten pretty good at that part. The first few times he tried to get the ship close to another ship, there were collisions, and a lot of things got drenched. He might be trained to manipulate the ocean and the wind, but there’s a lot of nuance shit that you can’t learn any way other than making mistakes. And he definitely, definitely made mistakes.

But phase one goes pretty well, and so does phase two for that matter: AuDy holds the boat steady as Cass, Aria, and Mako all board the second ship. Mako doesn’t remember what the name is, but he knows that it’s basically the S.S. This Medicine Is For Rich People Who Can Afford Better Medicine Anyways, so he has no qualms about taking that medicine for people who actually need it.

The ship is pretty small, with only a few crew members above deck to see Aria. Nobody recognizes her this time, which is too bad; it’s always pretty funny when people realize a famous poet is about to rob them blind. Instead, she just props her hands on her hips and grins. “So where’s your cargo hold?”

And that marks phase three: the giant sword fight, which Mako mostly tries to avoid. They even have a system for this: Cass heads for the cargo hold, Aria tries to keep people busy, and Mako pushes people over with breezes and saltwater spray so that neither of them get ambushed. Plus, AuDy has a cannon on the ship, which they’ve only ever needed to use once, but it’s nice to have a backup plan.

“Hey, Mako,” Aria calls at one point. Mako shoots a jet of ocean water at a guy who’s heading towards her and turns to see her lifting up a fancy gold watch. “You want it?”

“Throw it here?”

Aria tosses the watch, and Mako catches it with just a little help from the breeze. She makes a face. “Show-off,” she says, before spinning around and slashing a woman across the chest, sword swinging in a glittering arc.

“You can’t call me a show-off and then do that,” Mako says, because what the fuck. He examines the watch - looks like real gold, no family engraving, all good signs. “Yeah, dibs on this one. Thanks, Ar.”

“You and your fucking souvenirs,” Cass huffs from behind him. When Mako turns, their arms are loaded with crates. “Can I get some help?”

Aria immediately slams the hilt of her sword into someone’s chest, going from pleasure to business in the blink of an eye. “Get across the gangplank, I’ll be right behind.”

Cass grunts their approval and heads towards the gangplank. Mako glances around - everyone on the ship’s crew is either unconscious or watching them without moving, which seems like a good moment for the Chime to make their exit.

He follows Aria to the cargo hold. “Need a hand?”

Aria pauses in lifting up crates. “How many was Cass carrying, did you see?”

“I don’t know, these ones are pretty small.” Mako squints down at the crates. “Like… twelve?”

“Bull fucking shit, they were carrying twelve.” She rolls her eyes and picks up a stack of three, which is about what Cass actually had earlier. “Put that last one on top, come on, I want them to wonder how I picked up four.”

Mako immediately picks up the fourth crate - not huge, and also not terribly heavy - and settles it on top of Aria’s pile of crates. He can barely make eye contact with her, but he can still tell that she’s grinning at hi. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.”

He follows Aria out of the cargo hold as she makes her way to the gangplank, where Cass is settling their crates on the deck of the Kingdom Come. They arch an eyebrow over at Mako and Aria. “Ready to go?”

“Me and my four crates are ready,” Aria says loudly as she steps onto the gangplank. “Four crates that I picked up by myself-”

“Did you have Mako help you?”

Mako snickers, which he has to hide as a cough so Aria doesn’t kill him. He jerks his head to one side and goes to cough loudly, and then freezes.

One of the crew members is getting to their feet, and holding a pistol. There’s a split second where Mako thinks this guy is an idiot, because he’s not aiming for Mako, or even for Aria and Cass. But then he follows the direction of the gun. And even though he can’t see the helm of the Kingdom Come from where he’s standing, he’s willing to bet that guy has a pretty good shot at AuDy.

Mako’s heart pounds in his ears. He doesn’t have time to think, he just searches for the feeling of wind in the air and thinks push.

Which is, admittedly, not the best thing he could’ve thought.

A gale picks up immediately, blustering between the two boats. He can hear Aria shout as she stumbles forward, thankfully onto the Kingdom Come and not into the ocean. The gun goes off, but the guy is falling onto his back so the shot goes wide into the air. And the Kingdom Come starts sailing away, which presumably means that AuDy hasn’t been shot. Mako breathes a sigh of relief; that was fucking close.

“Mako,” Cass shouts suddenly. “ Mako- ”

“ What, ” Mako shouts back, because Christ, he did it, nobody got shot, can they please calm down-

And then he realizes that the Kingdom Come is sailing away. Without him on it.

“Oh, shit,” Mako says. The gangplank falls into the ocean with a loud splash. Aria and Cass are staring at him in horror, and their faces are getting smaller, because Mako isn’t on the fucking boat. “Oh, my god-”

“Do something!” Aria yells.

Mako immediately reaches out and tries to tug a breeze towards him, but nothing comes, because he’s panicking and he can’t breathe so why would he be able to control the wind? And the pirates around him - actual pirates, not pirate-privateers the way that the Chime are - are starting to get to their feet. And there’s no way off the boat.

Well, there’s one way off the boat.

“Hey,” Mako shouts. “I’m going to do something stupid, okay?”

He can’t be sure, but it looks like Cass clutches at Aria’s arm. Mako kind of wants to roll his eyes, but he thinks he’d be panicking just as hard if it were one of them drifting away.

Mako takes a deep breath, bounces on the balls of his feet, and sprints for the edge of the ship. He thinks he hears someone shout something, but he can’t tell, because he’s already leaping into the ocean.

It’s cold, because of course it’s cold, and Mako starts sinking before his survival instincts kick in. He’s never been a strong swimmer, something that Cass has given him plenty of shit for, but it’s never been super relevant before this moment, where it’s literally sink or swim.

He takes a minute to orient himself in the water before he tries actually swimming. It’s more of an awkward paddle, because Cass might’ve actually had a point about knowing to swim, but he’s making headway when he hears a loud splash.

“Please don’t be pirates,” Mako says aloud. “I don’t need that right now.”

And then suddenly there’s an arm around his back. Mako yelps before he looks down and sees a familiar brown hand pressed up against his chest. He lets out a breath. “Cass.”

“You know,” Cass says, voice strained even though they’re clearly trying to be conversational, “maybe you have a point about my plans not working.”

“Uh, maybe you have a point about me needing to listen,” Mako says, because he’s so relieved about not dying that he kind of has to be nice to Cass. “Are you going to, like, throw me back on the boat? Because that seems kind of hard.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Aria’s getting a ladder. Keep swimming, we’re almost there.”

“I am swimming!”

Cass is mostly behind Mako, so he can’t see the look they’re giving him, but he can still imagine it. “This is what you call swimming?”

“It’s what I call trying.”

“Terrific.”

“Hey, I saved AuDy’s life!” Mako protests. “And we got the stuff, nobody got shot, it went great!”

“We need to change your standards for great,” Cass mutters. But they’re almost at the Kingdom Come, and Mako can see the bottom of the ladder in front of them. “Think you can get us out of here?”

“As soon as I’m on the ship, we’re gone.”

“As long as you actually make it on the ship,” Cass says. “Don’t do that again, by the way.”

Mako paddles forward enough to grab the bottom rung of the ladder, and then turns to glare at Cass. “It wasn’t on purpose!”

“Great,” Cass says. They look tired and relieved, all at once. “Still don’t do it again, though, okay?”

“I won’t,” Mako promises breezily. “You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

“Great,” Cass says again, but they mean it this time. Mako can tell.

[bravegirlwrites]

welcome to me

I think it's high time I introduced myself. I know there are a lot of you out there who already know me. I mean, you know my name, you've seen my face. Our kids go to school together. We've exchanged smiles on Sunday mornings at church, maybe even shared a snippet of conversation. But not very many of you actually know me know me and this is entirely my fault. I'm a wee bit guarded (we're talking mile high walls here, people) and I have a history of choosing isolation over interaction. Like, ten out of ten times. The vulnerability required for real relationship has always scared the shit out of me and it's seemed safer to stay in hiding. No chance of being rejected or feeling like a burden to those around me that way. And, come to find out, no chance of experiencing Life in all its beautiful abundance. Going it alone has been both exhausting and straight up painful and I’m more than a little over it. So, here goes nothing…

Hello, I'm Emily. I am a beautiful, kind, lovable and loving soul, and also, I'm a bit fucked up.

I could easily be talking about my lifelong battles with an eating disorder and major depression, the hospitals and treatment centers and medications that mark my past, but I’m not. For many years I blamed these struggles for everything less than good in my life, until God called me deeper (that seems to be His thing) and I slowly began to realize they were more symptom than source.

I've always had the hunch that something wasn't sitting quite right within my own soul, and for most of my life I tried to keep the pain of "I am not okay" buried down deep so as to maybe lose it completely (fingers crossed). In a startling show of outright foolishness, I believed all would be well if only I could get my shit together, lose ten pounds and just be perfect already goshdangit. I also thought getting everything I ever wanted might go a long way in healing the parts of myself that felt a little less than.

Spoiler alert: it didn't.

I met and married a man who was more than I could have ever hoped for, and I don't mean that in any sort of rote, romantic way. My husband has flaws and an affinity for pushing people's buttons, but he's also hardworking, determined, loyal, positive to the max and pretty much the friendliest dude on the planet. We made two babies together (you're missing out if you haven't met them) and I was given the gift of staying at home with them while they grow up. But even with my dream life fully realized, I still could not shake the sneaking suspicion that all was not as it should be inside my head and my heart. Life was good but I was miserable, and I had no idea why. This tiny seed of awareness eventually led to the understanding that I needed to take a closer look at myself, that the pain I'd kept at arms length all my life had to be pulled up close and dealt with.

So I spent the next couple of years numbing out because fuck that.

I’ve always had a hard time with feelings, mostly because I just never really learned how to handle them. My growing up years, the ones that made me who I am, were filled with a great deal of goodness and almost no emotional support. There were homemade dinners, trips to the pumpkin patch, Sunday school lessons and Barbies by the boatload, but no one helping shape my sense of self or teaching me that I was loved without condition. At home the tension ran thick and left little room for any of my own thoughts, feelings and experiences. There were no arms spread open wide in my direction, no safe place for me to land when life got hard.

Somewhere along the way I learned it best to quiet my voice and keep my needs to myself so as not to be a burden.

I'd say I blame my parents, but after this last season of no longer avoiding the pain and instead wading through the muck of all my old, unattended wounds, the truth that I do not has settled into me both steady and deep. The ones from whom I come did not receive the love they needed when they were young and though they wanted to make things different when they brought me into the world, they never quite turned the tide. My parents could only give me what they had and so my own spotty self-worth and the holes in my heart make me ache for them as well.

Eventually the pain of staying the same and keeping everything inside became too great. A few years ago I determined to leave the darkness that walled my world in far too small and I stepped out into the Light. I claimed my voice. I claimed my life. I confronted past abuse and drew healthy boundaries. I took responsibility for myself and for my children and began the work of real forgiveness.

I had never been more vulnerable. Or powerful.

I was no longer in survival mode, barely holding on, just trying to get through each day. I was actually living and it felt like freedom. Even when the search for the bottom line of myself brought up some uglier bits (my piss poor coping skills say, or the staggering scope of my emotional stuntedness) it only led to deeper peace and joy because I had nothing to prove and everything to learn.

Then grief happened.

I saw it coming, the loss that pierced me to my core, and still the sheer force of its blow stunned me into a complete stop. Both in slow motion and all at once grief reared its ugly head, taking hold of my entire life. And then it swallowed me whole. Devastated, every bit of me that had been fighting for health and healing gave way to grief’s cold chaos, let it seize my every breath until there was nothing left of me. I was completely capsized, adrift in a sea of pain, lost in my loss. Grief left me deeply disoriented and struggling to fumble forward.

Which brings me to today. I wish I could skip straight to the good stuff. Summarize in neat little sentences all the ways in which happily ever after came true for me despite the shit beginning. Contrast the darker parts with a bit of magic or something. Abracadabra, everything is great now! But I can’t. The truth is that today the happy ending feels as far off as it ever has. I’ve tugged on my bootstraps and somewhat pulled myself back up, though there are plenty of days when I humor my heartache instead of moving on. I am still smack dab in the middle of becoming, a sputtering mess of fits and starts and gritty determination to keep on in the Light. The struggle is real and the journey is so terribly fucking long.

Turns out shedding an entire self, the one I was taught to be, the one that believed all kinds of lies and was filled with fear, and then learning a whole new way of being is tough work. And yet God continues to be near and lead me on.