#fao's an idiot

[faofinn]

14. ‘‘I shouldn’t be worried about you, but for some reason I am’’ 

Fao had been working flat out. Surgical training was no joke, the hours were long and the shifts gruelling. He wasn’t long back from his first tour, which had been amazing, but tiring, and now he was back to the rigours of the wards in Birmingham. 

He’d not slept much that night, struggling with the changeover from night shifts to days, and he was looking forwards to getting home and to his bed. But that was a distant prospect now, he had a shift to work, even if he was falling asleep into his handover sheet. 

He had a headache brewing, and had just rested his head on the desk for a second, just to breathe, that was all. 

“Blackwood!” 

The shout startled him, sitting up quickly. He must’ve dozed off. Shit. 

A glance at his phone told him he was ten minutes late to the morning handover. Well, that was why he was being yelled at then. 

“Sorry, Sir.” He said quickly, grabbing his stuff. “I’m coming, I’m coming.” 

He managed to get through his meeting, though it was a struggle, and then it was straight to theatres. A mix of military and civilian patients, it certainly kept him busy, and he was shattered by the time it got to his break. He slipped out for a smoke, but it didn’t really help the headache, and he swung by the emergency department on his way back in to grab some chocolate, hoping that might help, along with the energy drink he’d shoved in his locker. 

Harrison had been on shift when Fao passed through. He went to call over to him when he saw the state of him. His frown deepened, notes forgotten, he stood, padding over to Fao.

"Wolfie?"

“Mm? Hey, Tomcat.” Fao said softly. 

"You look like shit."

“Charming as ever.”

"Are you feeling alright?" He rested a hand on his arm.

“Yeah, just a headache, you know how it is.” He murmured. “Got a bollocking for nearly missing handover this morning and I’ve only just got out of theatre.”

"Come sit down with me?" Harrison couldn't shake the worry.

“I’ve not got long.”

"Yeah, I know."

“Five minutes, whilst I eat this chocolate.” He said, caving all too easily. 

"Good." He grinned, leading the way.

He followed Harrison tiredly, dragging a hand through his hair. If his head would just stop pounding, he could cope with the tiredness. But he could barely think straight. 

"I'm sure we've got a spare treatment room."

“I’m not that bad.” He grumbled. 

"I know." He lied. "Just for some peace."

“Staff room’s fine, it’s only five minutes.”

"Nah, come on. This way."

“I don’t need a treatment room.” He protested, but didn’t have the energy to argue. 

Harrison pushed open the door, hopping up onto the bed. "How's today been, then?"

“Busy.” He said with a sigh, sitting next to Harrison. He used his teeth to open his chocolate wrapper, before offering Hars a square. 

Harrison took it gratefully. "Thanks. You look like you've not slept in a week."

“I feel like it.” He murmured, breaking off a piece for himself. “I did the overnight on call all of last week and it was so busy it’s killed me off. Feel like I’ve not been able to get enough sleep in between shifts, and now I’ve changed to days and it’s just as busy.”

"Been dizzy?"

“Occasionally.” He admitted. “But sod off, I’m just dehydrated with low blood sugar, so’s half the hospital.”

Harrison hummed. "Sure, sure. And how bad is the headache?" 

“Like someone is hammering a nail into my brain.”

"Any visual changes?"

“Stop doctoring and let me be miserable for five minutes.” He grumbled, eating another piece of chocolate. 

"I need an answer." He nudged him, reaching to steal another square. "What about feeling sick?"

“No visual changes but my dyslexia’s worse because I’m tired.” He said, resting his head on Harrison’s shoulder. “Bit of nausea, but the sugar is helping.”

Harrison wrapped an arm around him. "Any auras?"

“Mm, no.”

"Anything else you're not telling me?"

“I just can’t think straight.” He admitted. “I need a holiday, for fuck’s sake.”

"Can I do a set of obs on you?"

“No, because if they’re shit I can’t go back to work and I need to go back to work because I’ve already gotten in the shit this morning.”

"All the more reason I want to do some."

“I told my consultant five minutes for a smoke and something to eat.”

"I'm worried about you." He admitted. "I shouldn’t be worried about you, but for some reason, I am."

“I’m fine, I’ve got a drink upstairs and I’ll sit and do some notes.”

"Please?"

“I should’ve gone to the vending machines outside theatres.” He huffed. “Fine. Make it quick.”

"You know we've got the best shit down here." He grinned, hopping off the bed. "I'll be quick. Sorry, the cuff's cold."

“I know, that’s why I came down. And it was on my way back.” He’d been hoping to bump into Harrison, admittedly, but not to be fussed over and bothered. He’d fancied five minutes to rant, that was all. “You’re not getting any more of my chocolate, though.” 

"Rude. I'll live."

He had another square, letting it melt in his mouth as Harrison fussed. His bleep hadn’t gone off yet, which was a relief, because the way it had been squealing at him all morning really hadn’t been helping things. “You better.”

"Mhmm." He hummed, watching the machine. "Can you stand up a sec for me?"

“I’m comfy.” He protested. 

"Please?"

“I know what you’re trying to do.” He complained, but stood up. His back was aching - his table hadn’t been high enough for his last case, and he was paying for it.

"Okay, you can sit." He pulled out his pen torch. "Stare at my nose, just gonna shine a light in your eyes."

Fao sat gratefully, ignoring how his head span. “No, c’mon, you said a set of obs, and I even went so far as to give you the standing BP. Enough, I need to go back to work.”

"No." Harrison was firm. "You're not. Not a chance."

“I’m tired and dehydrated, it can’t be that bad.”

"You're still not going back to work. I want you admitted."

“Leave off.” He protested. “I’ll go home, if you insist, but I don’t need admitting. It’s a headache.”

"Surely you'd feel better with some pain relief? Antiemetics? Please, it's for your own benefit."

“Chuck a couple of paracetamol at me and I’ll get Alex to take me home.”

"No." 

Fao was about to argue when his bleep went off, and he winced. “Time’s up, I need to get that.” He said, frowning at the number on the screen. 

Harrison pulled out his own phone, taking the bleep from Fao. "Yeah, I'm overruling you on that one."

“Tomcat!” He protested. “Let me call them back?”

"I said no." Harrison’s voice was uncharacteristically hard. "I'm calling them, you're gonna lie back on the bed and let me do my job."

He stepped back, deliberately out of Fao's reach, and dialled the number. Fao's observations weren't terrible, but they were enough to worry him, especially with how shit his friend looked. He didn't really care if Fao hated him for it; he couldn't, in good conscience, let him continue working when he was so obviously struggling so much. 

He huffed, but his headache was much too bad to really give too much protest. He wasn’t going after Harrison, at any rate. He shuffled his bum back on the bed, swung his legs up and kicked his shoes off, feeling better for it almost instantly, though he’d never admit it. Guilt flared, knowing he was supposed to be busy, but Harrison making decisions meant it had been taken somewhat out of his hands, which he appreciated. Leaning back against the back of the bed he let his eyes close, listening to Hars on the phone. 

"Hi, it's Dr Harrison from ED? No, you paged Blackwood, not me, that's right. Yeah, he's not coming back up, I'm admitting him." He kept his voice low, aware it wouldn't be helping Fao. "Honestly? You should be ashamed of yourself that you let him keep working. Anyone could see he wasn't well, I could tell a mile off. Go ahead, it's Harrison Cunningham, I don't care. Thanks, bye now."

“Harrison!” Fao hissed, reaching to throw a pillow at him. 

"Hey, you'll need that. It's a luxury around here." He teased, passing it back. "I'll go grab you a blanket and get you booked in, too. Then I'll send someone across and we'll get some treatment sorted, yeah?"

“You’re an ass.” 

"I know." There was a hint of pride behind his tone. 

Fao rolled his eyes, but tucked his pillow back under his head. “I should call them.”

Harrison laughed. "You sound like every drunk girl on a Saturday night. Get some rest."

“Get me a cup of tea?”

"Sir, yes, sir." He teased. "I'll be right back."

“If you’re gonna admit me you could at least get me a cup of tea. Might as well milk it.”

"Might as well make the most of it. Want me to call Alex? Sheila?"

“Don’t bother Sheila, but call Alex? You can doctor at her.”

"Alright, I'll do that while I'm getting your tea, yeah?" He said softly. "I'll send a nurse through."

“Thanks.” He said, rolling onto his front to bury his face in the pillow. 

Harrison hummed, shutting the door quietly behind him. He grabbed one of the nurses, smiling sweetly and apologising for the extra work. He then had the fun job of calling Alex, so scrolled through before pressing dial, heading to the staff room for the good tea.

Alex had been enjoying her day off, having taken the dog for a long walk that morning. Now he was napping, and she’d been watching some TV when her phone rang. She should’ve been studying, but of course she wasn’t, and she reached for her phone. 

“Harrison?” 

"I'm at work, you can't yell at me. But, I may have just admitted Fao?"

“I can definitely still yell at you. What’s happened? Is he okay?”

"He's got a migraine, don't think he's been sleeping. His obs aren't terrible, but honestly? He looks like shit. Got yelled at this morning, apparently, for falling asleep before handover. That's not like him."

“He didn’t sleep last night.” Alex agreed. “How bad is ‘not terrible’?”

"Fluids worthy but not resus?"

She sighed. “He’s such an ass. He’s been struggling for days with his sleep.”

"I'd say maybe he'd learn from this, but I know better."

“He definitely won’t. He needs to sort his mental health out again, keep an eye on him?”

"Don't we all?" He sighed. "You know I will. I'm just making him a cuppa, he's had some chocolate, but I'll get him something proper to eat."

“Thank you. Are you expecting to get him discharged in a couple of hours?”

"Depends how he behaves."

She laughed at that. “Yeah, true.”

"Are you wanting to come in?"

“If I can, yeah. I’ll kick his ass.”

"Cool, I'll let him know."

“Look after him, yeah? He’s trying to be a hard ass but he’s been really struggling.”

Harrison softened. "Of course I'll look after him. He's got me worried about him."

“Glad you’re looking out for him. I won’t be long, let him know I’m on my way.”

"I will. Drive safe."

“Always.” She murmured, and said her goodbyes before she hung up, grabbing some stuff for Fao.

When she arrived, he was on his side in the bed, though sipping the tea Harrison had brought him. He looked worse than he had done when he’d left the house that morning, but the smile he offered her as she appeared had her anger and worry evaporating like mist in the morning sun. 

“You daft shite.” She said, settling next to him and running a hand through his hair. “You need to take better care of yourself.”

“I know.” He murmured. “Sit wit’ me properly?”

She was always a soft touch for him, and so she settled on the bed properly. Fao sat up as she did so, putting his tea down, and then laid back down again, his head in her lap. They’d already given him antiemetics, and he had fluids running, which were making him feel better, but Alex there was certainly doing the hard work. Her fingers carding through his hair, he was asleep in minutes, warm and safe.

[villruu]

managed to do most of the essay and deadline got extended to tomorrow so time to go procastinate again 👍

ive been procastinating so hard,,,,, bitch this video and essay has to be given tomorrow.... u havent even done the front page.... ouhgjhgigkhjg

[girlvinland]

That stupid little dragon from FAO Schwartz just got here and I broke down crying when I opened him. Like I feel so stupid right now but everything has been so bad lately and I don’t know why this stupid purple thing is so soft and feels here to hold part of me while I sit in the bottom of this jar I’m in that just keeps filling up with water.

Do I even deserve a soft thing like that at all

Do I need to feel ashamed that I’m an adult holding on to a stupid purple dragon

I feel like an idiot when this thing is a toy for toddlers that lights up and makes sounds but why does it feel comforting right now when I’m going through so much bullshit

[moths-in-hats]

I'm an idiot and in America for the first time so I keep seeing things and mentally going "Just like in Stranger Things" "Just like in Teen Wolf" "Just like in that one Jenny Nicholson video"

[nukaworldnerd]

My Raiders and my Minutemen. uwu

[life-is-no-sugarlicking]

Nuka-Nerds ♥

[makosgotmoxie]

Critical Role Campaign 3 Episode 19 Quote List

"So for this dramatization, Liam and Ashley will be playing the Willinghams."

"You're me??"

"You're an actor, not a CEO."

"Maybe lime juice will bring answers."

"You're not going to take it Fearne." "I'm just going to take a look. Calm down, dad." "... did she just call me dad?"

"I can't roleplay while you watch."

"I forgot I was blue until I looked down at my arms."

"All gingers are cursed."

"Don't you just Vex me, you fuck."

"Note to self, let's all become druids."

"Vax stopped aging all together."

"I've got bitchin' eyes. Cold like a glacier, blue like the sky."

"If you're going to stick something in there, it needs to be stiff."

"I'm so excited to see your next character."

"It's limes all the way down."

"This guy just watched us shove a frog in a fountain. We look like idiots."

"And a bag of ball bearings."

"You're a corpse."

"We.. went shopping with no money."

"You assist by smiling." "Come on. Look at this."

"Do you like cherub and childlike design?"

"Ahhh man I love a choking hazard."

"Guns."

"This is a mighty fine lime."

"Four splooges is more than enough, thank you."

"I cast decompose on him."

"You just see Pate’s rat hand grabbing Sashimi’s ass."

"Finger smells like poop."

"I don't want to run anymore."

"I'm not dead." "And you're not alone."

"I would murder everyone around us if anything happened to you."

"Be good with your money, kids."

"Let's fuck shit up in this haunted house."

"I went to a birthday party at FAO Schwartz as a child and we could play with any toy in the place, sure. Didn't everybody do that?"

[dannifielding]

Season 10 Sneak Peak

Here you go, then. Another one.

I expect lots of questions and asks and things, because this one is quite spoiler-y. I thought you would enjoy it and now that it’s out of my brain hopefully I can get on with writing what I’m supposed to XD

~0~0~0~

Danni stormed into the bedroom, grumbling to herself before she dropped her laptop onto the bed. How was she supposed to study if the Doctor insisted on talking at every single moment? Bill didn’t know any better, but he did. She needed quiet. How long had they been at the university now? He knew how she studied, it had never changed.

She ignored the fact that she was just angry because he’d brought in a companion with zero consideration of her or the responsibilities that he decided they needed to bear. If he hadn’t been so soft at heart then Missy wouldn’t be underground right now, alive and planning her next move. They were Time Lords, they had lifetimes to think of escape plans. She should know. She’d lost a lifetime to that monster. He didn’t understand but how could she argue? He’d taken on the oath of looking after Missy’s body for a thousand years which wasn’t something he could just get out of.

Apparently.

Not that she’d found, anyway.

Even if he could, she knew that he wouldn’t. He wanted to help Missy find the goodness inside and he wouldn’t listen to her when she told him there wasn’t anything good inside that woman. She was beyond redemption.

She sat heavily on the bed, opening her laptop with more force than necessary. And now she had to write a 4000-word essay on the drawbacks of viewing time in a linear fashion. She smiled slightly before she opened the word processor. He was a fantastic teacher, though. She could listen to him gives lectures for the next thousand years no problem at all. Even if he went over old ground, she would still enjoy it more than pretty much everything else.

She started her studies by, naturally, going on the internet. This time period did love Twitter so that was her first stop. It was usually a hellpit of arguments and death threats, but sometimes there was a good meme she could lose some time in.

Next was Facebook, where she liked a couple of posts on the group that had been created for everyone who attended the Doctor’s lectures. She turned down an invite for a night out, but promised to fill a spot at a trivia night. She liked to show her face from time to time. It was part of being a student.

Lastly were her emails. Brian still liked to drop her the occasional update of the 1950s, and all the plants that he was cultivating in Amy and Rory’s back garden. She appreciated updates from all her family and, no matter which body she was in, she made sure to give him the proper level of attention and intrigue. If he loved the plants so much then they must have been important.

Then, amongst the spam and newsletters she’d inevitably signed up to when she went online shopping, a random email appeared. With the subject of ‘FAO: Danielle Fielding’ she should have guessed it was just some more spam, but it still caught her attention enough to open it.

‘Hello, my Pet.’

She smiled softly to herself. The Doctor hated email, but who else could it be?

The door opened and the man himself peered around the door. “Ah, I thought you would be here,” he said. She looked up at him. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, I’ve just got an essay to write,” she replied a little cheekily. “My professor decided he wanted us to write a 4000-word essay for next Tuesday.”

“And some old idiot kept prattling on so you couldn’t focus?” he asked in reply, looking a little sheepish.

“Oh, you heard him too?” she asked, playing along. “I’ve asked him so many times to not do that when I’m working but he just can’t help himself.”

“He can’t. He must love the sound of his own voice,” the Doctor replied. She smiled brightly. “Your professor is always giving you homework. Maybe you should find another one who doesn’t eat up so much of your time.”

“Nah,” she dismissed. “The rest of the universe is boring. He’s the only one who can hold my attention long enough for me to actually want to do the homework he sets.”

“That’s good. Because I know, from experience, that he’s only teaching because he likes to see you smile,” the Doctor told her. “Speaking of.” He stepped into the room, revealing a large mug he’d hidden behind his back. “I thought you could do with something warm while you studied.”

“Thanks,” she replied sincerely. He walked over and placed it on the bedside table. He then leant down and placed a kiss on her hair. She turned, caught his lips for a brief kiss, but let him go. She really did want to get the essay done.

“Was 4000 words too many?” he asked as he headed for the door. The fact she’d hauled herself up in the bedroom told him rather clearly that she wanted to be left alone.

“I shouldn’t think so,” she replied. “Linear time can be quite the complicated subject when you dive in enough. I suspect you’ll have a few over the word count.”

He paused at the doorway. “Perhaps I should stop assigning so many essays,” he declared. “I’m just making more work for myself.”

“Definitely might be something to consider,” she agreed. He chuckled, knowing that he wasn’t going to stop challenging his students, then headed through the door.

Danni looked back at her computer and saw the email he sent her. “Theta?”

He darted back into the room. “Yes?”

“Did you send me an email before?” she asked. His brows furrowed.

“Why would I do that? I know where you are,” he replied, confused.

“I guess so,” she mused with a frown. Then she smiled. “Love you.”

“Love you too, my Pet,” he replied before disappearing. Probably going back to Bill, she was sure their tutoring session had another half an hour or so to go.

She didn’t pay it much mind, instead she turned back to the email. She believed the Doctor completely when he said it wasn’t from him, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t send it from his future to her present. The TARDIS could, on occasion, divert from one timeline to another if needed.

‘Who is this?’

It seemed the simplest of questions and she sent it without much thought of manners. A moment later it there was a reply.

‘Don’t be stupid.’

She frowned, annoyed for a moment. They obviously thought that she should know who they were, which she didn’t. Maybe she could work it out. The Doctor was the only one who called her his Pet but, while the next message could have easily been from him, she knew it wasn’t.

She checked the email address, something she should have thought of sooner. Her eyes widened slightly. The username and domain name were exactly the same.

‘knockknock.’

Four knocks.

Well, she had to admit, it was pretty on the nose and she felt rather stupid for not noticing it sooner. It didn’t last very long, though, because the anger at the thought quickly took over. She slammed the lid on her laptop shut and jumped off her bed. She stormed out of the TARDIS, straight past the Doctor and Bill who just watched her leave but didn’t follow. The look on her face must have told them that she was best left alone and she was glad at it, because she didn’t want Bill to see her shouting.

Nardole was outside the Vault door, doing whatever checks he tended to do when he was there. He glanced over his shoulder. “Danielle, I was just making sure…”

“Move,” she demanded shortly. He spun, looking slightly alarmed.

“What-What are you…” he stuttered but she pushed him out of the way, tapping away on the keypad that unlocked the doors. “You can’t go in there! She’s not ready to see anyone.”

“Don’t care,” Danni retorted. “She’s broken the rules.” She continued to type – the Doctor had really overdone the passcode – and didn’t look up as she called inside. “Get inside the glass box!” she commanded. “If you’re not in there I’m not coming in!”

“Danielle, I must insist you stop this at once,” Nardole exclaimed. “The Doctor gave me strict instructions to keep everyone out of there, including yourself. It’s for your safety.”

“Who did River tell you to listen to?” she countered.

“Well, that’s not really fair…”

“That’s not an answer.”

He sighed. “You, Danielle,” he admitted reluctantly.

“So, my orders supersede the Doctor’s. Stop contradicting me.”

“But you have to see why I must,” Nardole pressed. “She’s recovering, not recovered. If she gets ideas then it could set everything back decades!”

“She’s never going to recover,” Danni snapped as she stepped back and the Vault doors started to open. She wasn’t sure if she was relieved or not to see Missy sat in the middle of the room in the containment field in the middle of the room. On one had she was very happy to see as many barriers as possible between her and Missy, but it also meant that she would be able to talk to the other Time Lady and that was never a good prospect.

Keeping her anger tight, she strode into the room. “Where did you get the internet?” she demanded. “You’re not supposed to contact the outside world at all.”

Missy held her hand up to her chest. “I don’t have access to the internet,” she promised. “Or a phone, or even a Morse code machine.”

“You are lying,” Danni snapped back, getting as close to the glass as she dared. “Where is it?”

“I promise I don’t have any such thing,” Missy replied. “You know I’m not lying.”

Danni barked out an angry laugh. “You’re not lying?” she exclaimed. “All you do is lie!” She opened the laptop, showing her the browser where her email inbox sat. “What is this, then?” she demanded. “Knock-Knock at Knock-Knock dot com. Did you really think I wouldn’t get that?”

Missy leant a little closer to see and, despite the glass walls separating them, Danni stepped back and away from her. “I can see the confusion,” Missy replied calmly. “But honestly, Danielle, that isn’t me. You can check the room if you like. I’m sure you’ve got that silly little sonic device with you.”

Danni stared at her for a moment longer, alert in case she tried something she needed to react to quickly. She did have a point, unfortunately, so after a moment to make sure she wasn’t too much of a threat, Danni tucked her laptop underneath her arm and pulled out her screwdriver. She did a quick scan of the area and found Missy was right. She lowered her arm, still holding the sonic screwdriver tightly. “There’s nothing here,” she admitted reluctantly.

“I’m glad you can see that now,” Missy replied, standing up. Danni again moved a little backwards from the glass. “I really am trying to change, Danielle. Surely you can see that?”

Danni shook her head. “You can’t change,” she retorted. “You’re never going to change. Your regeneration is poisoned.”

She actually looked hurt, which just made Danni feel a little sick. “I am trying,” she insisted again. “I know I hurt you, I know I did wrong. Please, let me show that to you.”

She stepped towards Danni and Danni shot backwards, dropping her screwdriver in her panic. “Stay back,” she cried. “Stay away from me.”

“Please, Danielle,” Missy begged. “I just want to make it up to you.”

Danni shook her head. “No, no, you’re not going to change and you’re not coming anywhere near me,” she exclaimed. She turned and quickly strode out of the Vault. “Lock it up, Nardole.”

Nardole sighed heavily, doing as she said. “I said it wasn’t a good idea,” he muttered.

“I know you did,” Danni retorted as Missy sat back down, watching the doors to the vault close in front of her. “Don’t tell the Doctor I was here.”

“But Danielle…”

“Don’t tell him!”

Nardole sighed again as she disappeared out of the basement. “I shouldn’t have come here,” he muttered. “No gratitude at all.”

~0~0~0~

Danni stopped after bursting back out into the outside world, leaning against the wall and panting heavily. Her hands were shaking, her hearts were racing. They had been here decades and she still couldn’t help but feel absolutely terrified just at the sight of Missy. She hated going down there, but she had needed to find out if Missy was trying to escape. There had been no ability to contact anyone outside the Vault, though. Missy was clean.

The thought should have calmed her, but it didn’t. She reopened the laptop yet again and replied to the email quickly.

‘Who is this?’

She watched, trying to catch her breath and calm her nerves, for what felt like eternity. She’d never been so anxious to get an email before. Then the reply appeared. There was a picture attached and embedded but, as the university infrastructure was absolutely awful, the text appeared first.

‘Did you miss me?’

‘What do you think of the beard?’

Her eyes widened, her breath caught and her knees went weak. The wall was the only thing holding her up as the image quickly revealed itself. Brown hair, styled beard, a killer grin and a ridiculous smug look.

“Koschei?”

[spamzineglasgow]

(REVIEW) Hello by Crispin Best

In this review, Josie Rogers reads the desiring pursuits, moonselves, evil plans, semantic playgrounds and conversational prowess of Crispin Best’s debut collection Hello (Partus Press, 2019).

> About halfway through Crispin Best’s Hello, an image announces itself that pivots my reading of the whole collection. The image is of an orrery, in the poem ‘poem in which i mention at the last moment an orrery’. In case you were about to Google that, as I had to: an orrery is a mechanical model that shows the motions of the earth, moon, and other planets around the sun. You could buy one on Amazon, in homage to Best’s poetic commitment to beautiful and banal commodities: to that which is plastic and reproducible but which holds meaning nonetheless, if you let it.

> The orrery in ‘poem in which i mention at the last moment an orrery’ is, I think, an artefact of the intimacy held between the space of the poet and the addressee. It’s a love poem that begins with an inverted blazon: Best invites us to ‘consider the things my body is | for example there is a part of it | which is an ankle | another part which i can only describe as | the distance between distance | and distance | a part which makes a muffled | hopeful noise and another part which is | an ankle’ (Best 2019, ‘poem in which i mention at the last moment an orrery’). The muffled hopeful noise seems to be embodied intimacy itself, an optimistic and stunted thing, and the distance between distance and distance recalled to me the psychoanalytic idea of desire as perpetual deferral — to desire is to be unsatisfied in some way, and so desire is what must always remain unsatisfiable. Poetry is the domain of feeling, and poetic feeling is so rarely without desire. Here, it is held in the sprung trap of the body. I like how Best repurposes poetic desire, stating it in honest and absurd terms: ‘and i long for a poem | that is just about | i don’t know | cucumbers’, or, ‘[i] want | to bite through | the porcelain | of a mug | while you watch’ (‘how do we feel’). The wish for uncomplicated cucumber poetry demonstrates how Best swerves the — ambivalently ecstatic and agonisingly humiliating — lyric pursuit of truthfulness: by being disarmingly, candidly bizarre. He confides his desires directly to you, the reader, too: ‘i want to tell you | that the moon | is my favourite kind | of indirect light’ (Best 2019, *that sound from the start of “circle of life”*).

> The orrery revealed how often the moon, and the sun, ‘earthlight’ and ‘windowlight’, appear in Hello. The moon in the line above offers a kind of interstitial illumination (like how poetry can illuminate through reflection, as it slips between pruned and manicured language and language that seemingly bubbles up straight from the heart/bones/head/stomach). But then later the moon becomes, quite explicitly, the moonself of the poet: ‘i am a moon and you | are a moon | i mean i am the moon and yes | you are too | i am calmer when we’re the moon if you can believe such | a thing’ (Best 2019, ‘poem in which i mention at the last moment an orrery’). At first I considered how two people could both be the moon, and then I remembered that some planets have many moons, and then I remembered that really moon is just a word we have applied to a thing to make it make sense to us. Such tiny revelations are often the punchlines of Best’s linguistic jokes and facetious non sequiturs: ‘on uranus a year lasts 84 years | [...] on uranus you die on your first birthday’ (Best 2019, ‘io’).

> The moonself suggests a metamorphic subject, made holistic by distance — the distance between two bodies, between our expectations and the devastating realities of how we execute our existence. A poem like ‘my god’ revels in this painful deficit: ‘you have no idea | of the distances i would travel | just to disappoint you | i will even wear a fashionable shoe | my god | just watch me | another? i ask | go ahead you say | and another? | no that’s too many shoes’ (Best 2019, ‘my god’). You are ambushed, simply and ridiculously, with the image of a man trying to wear three shoes; and with the equal absurdity of hoping not to disappoint the people you would do the most for. Moons wax and wane, like desires and like our capacities for presenting ourselves to the world as we want to be seen. Moons suggest both illumination and occlusion, the equivocation that we might see as the essential quiddity of the lyric voice; the i, in Best’s case. The divine feminine energy of the moon also suffuses Hello: a lunar pull (of desire, of the desire to be heard and touched) that is at once tender and powerful. One quora.com contributor suggests that moon symbolism in literature signifies an evil plan. I like that. I think Crispin Best has an evil plan, and it’s to make you laugh even while you feel sad and strange — ‘when i die | know that i died how i lived: | not wanting to die’ (Best 2019, ‘io’). That’s my favourite kind of evil plan, and my favourite kind of poetry.

> Most of all, the orrery made me think of orbiting. It made me think of spinning in space and time, surrounded by other strange celestial bodies cutting their own orbits. ‘and it’s nearly night | the same sunset | has been travelling | around the earth | for millions of years’ (Best 2019, ‘poem at the dinner table’), Best writes, and we glimpse an infinite celestial spillage that both illuminates and retreats, heralding the same ending and beginning: f(lux). (It’s pleasing that Hello’s cover resembles a dreamy, galactic fog.) He embeds the astral plane in the domestic — ‘between the boiler’s ticks’ … ‘it is good to be talked to | and also | to hear people sleep’ (ibid.). He dramatises the (extra)terrestrial pleasure of just being and knowing that there is someone nearby, just being, too. He bears a blushingly tragic longing for even the abject: ‘barack it might be enough just to find | a longer hair in my sink | once in a while’ (Best 2019, ‘fao barack obama).

> Hello is marked by wonderment at the sheer elsewhereness of things — say, that, ‘next time we are together | hundreds of people will be sleeping in submarines somewhere | why wouldn’t they’ (Best 2019, ‘in a white sweater at work for you’). The orrery models bodies interacting, but they remain parallel on their paths. ‘Hello,’ one moon in the orrery says to the other as it passes. Hello is a greeting and an introduction to the potential of intimacy. In it, Best masters a distinctive, conversational voice — not conversational in its informality, although it is often informal, but conversational in how its apostrophe manifests; i.e., how these poems are directed at or spoken to someone or something. Some poems are addressed to a singular (love interest?) you, some to a plural reader-you, some perhaps to the poem itself, and one to Barack Obama. Hello has a formal sinuousness, in that the construction of its lines and caesura demand little from the reader: they seem natural, as far as poetry can be natural. Best, like you and I, lives on the internet, and his stylistic conventions of minimal capitalisation and punctuation just look like how we tend to communicate textually now. In ‘centralia’, excessive ellipses cut a curving shape on the page and fill what would otherwise be blankness. It’s like you can see Best typing in real time (...) (...) until his next stiches materialise. As serious poetry critic Jonathan Culler has pointed out, apostrophe, occurring in poetry as it does in the presence of witnesses, often does more to dramatise or manifest an image of the self rather than an i-you relation (Culler 1977, 59). The image of Best’s moonself builds itself up in this way, and poems like ‘nature poem’ and ‘i’m not late’ read like reruns of those seemingly unimportant conversations that stick, inexplicably, in the mind; or of conversations you wish you had had, if only the paths of your orbit had tilted.

> These poems are often collages of dialogue and thoughts and images that bloom towards the construction of a social subject. It’s a lyrical and unpretentious realism, telling stories of selfhood without staid narrativisation: ‘i long to hang glide / with a thud / into the face / of that perfect cliff / the shame / of just going about / my idiot business / from day to idiot day / sticks to me / like a dark sausage’ (Best 2019, ‘but do dolphins want to swim with me’). Sometimes, Culler writes, apostrophe can endow objects with power, reifying the forces they exert on us sentient beings (Culler 1977, 61). ‘io’ is a long poem in which Best apostrophizes to many objects and phenomena: ‘o party rings | o life | o des’ree | o sonique | [...] o curly wurly wrapper | o nokia 3210 | o crepitating autumn leaf | o mars bar ice cream in september and the rain’ (Best 2019, ‘io’) and, in doing so, creates a sort of living elegy for himself comprised of a cavalcade of consumables. It reads like someone’s life flashing before their eyes, a life that bears the imprint of ‘dragostea din tea’, along with ‘brookside’, ‘modern american poetry’, and ‘goatse’ (ibid.). Maybe it’s just a shared millennial nostalgia that makes me moon over this, but I made one of my oldest friends when she showed me a dance routine to Dragostea Din Tei. The idea that poetry can assimilate this system of self-building, of nebulous and frenetic reference to the strange apparatus of our capitalism-conditioned youths, feels fresh and real. This mode of referentiality also reflects the ways in which many of us wrote ourselves and our relationships over the internet (via myspace, MSN, tumblr, etc., depending on your age and preferences), like magpies curating and sharing points of cultural reference to generate a conversation and, then, some kind of relation.

> In the period of late-late capitalism we inhabit now, critics often pathologise the ubiquity of plastic objects as a symptomatic plasticity of our times; a kind of mutability whereby such objects, and their connective tissues, become meaningless. But ‘io’ demonstrates instead how plastic objects and strangely plastic cultural phenomena stick in our lives and life-worlds. ‘io’ realises the compulsory eclecticism of our daily lives under a system of hyperactive production and consumption; of the baffling abundance of stuff we have and have experienced, and how it shapes our orbits. The kitsch aesthetic of Hello, like certain other contemporary poetry the critic Christopher Nealon writes about, performs a contemporary experience of materiality that is both ‘desubstantialised and supersaturating, subject to both lightning-swift consolidations and dispersals and to humiliating, vegetally slow decay’ (Nealon 2004, 581). Thinking about our position in plasticky 21st century capitalism in this way also speaks to the appeal of banal, communal delights in Hello: the tenderness of domesticity, the strangeness of our normal bodies, and the absurd potentialities of language (see: ‘what if v neck stood for | very neck’ (Best 2019, ‘fao barack obama’). These small, slow things provide comfort in contemporary reality, moving as it does at breakneck and exponentially increasing speed, and codified by capitalist individualism and energetic exuberance.

> Reading Hello is like scrolling through messages from a friend. Best balances the gentle existential turmoil we all seem to feel with silliness, a welcome facet of post-internet poetics. This mode both invites and resists critical reading — why does ‘fao barack obama’ feature no less than three holey carbohydrate snacks (doughnuts, bagels, pretzels)? What could this systematic signification MEAN? I think it just means that these are things we can grope for in the haze of our quotidian lives, as we orbit one another like odd little planets on the rotating mechanical arms of an orrery. We can ‘laugh at the sheer | machinery of feelings barack’ (Best 2019, ‘fao barack obama’). Hello, hello, there is solidarity in these sensations. Best deploys them like ‘a custard pie in the face | of certain death’ (ibid.).  

References

Best, Crispin. 2019. Hello (Oxford: Partus Press)

Culler, Jonathan. 1977. ‘Apostrophe’ in Diacritics 7(4), pp. 59-69

Nealon, Christopher S. ‘Camp Messianism, or, the Hopes of Poetry in Late-Late Capitalism’ in American Literature, 76(3), pp. 579-602

Hello is out now and available to purchase via Partus Press. 

~ 

Text: Josie Rogers

Published: 26/1/20

[thesouthernrogue]

FAO FRIDAY: If two of your friends are having an intense argument and they ask for your input, do you try to settle it by taking sides, staying neutral, or ignoring it entirely?

“Depends on what the argument is about, honestly. If one o’ them is quite obviously bein’ an idiot, Ah’ll take sides. If it’s more reasonable, Ah’ll be neutral. If they’re both bein’ dumb, Ah’ll jus’ ignore ‘em.”

[faofinn]

18. “Wear Your Coat, You’ll Catch a Cold”

The autumn meant the start of the rugby season, as well as a new term at uni. Fao was looking forwards to it, having taken the summer to build his fitness and prep for the upcoming season. The weather had changed quickly, from the Indian summer they often had in September giving way to cold rain. 

Fao’s first match of the season was at home, which was nice, and meant Sheila and the family could come and watch. He loved having them there, even if they did fuss over every tackle.  

It had been a long, tough game in the mud and the rain, Fao playing the full 80 minutes. When he finally came off, the team victorious, he was soaked to the skin and freezing cold, though shaking more with the adrenaline. They’d finished celebrating, though there would be drinks that night for sure, and Fao paused to see his parents, grinning.

The three were bundled up in coats and scarves and hats, faces flushed and beaming. Fred called out to Fao in celebration, Finn joining in from beside him. Sheila waved him over, unable to stop being a mother hen.

He headed over, water dripping from his hair. “Hey.”

"Here, put this on, you'll get cold." She passed his coat over. "You'll feel it now you've stopped."

"You were super cool!" Finn interrupted. 

Fao waved it away. “It’s fine, I’m gonna go shower.” He murmured, turning to his brother. “Yeah? You think so? Did you enjoy it?”

"Yeah! You were so fast and then you dodged the other guy and got past him and he didn't even know what was happening!" Finn beamed. 

“And then I scored.” He said with a grin. 

"Loads!"

“Was good, eh?” Fao said. “I like it when you come to watch, makes me play harder.”

"It does?"

“Yeah, of course. I’ve gotta win for you guys.”

"And you did!"

“I did! Of course I did.”

"Can I come say hi?"

“Of course you can, c’mon.” Fao offered him his hands. 

"Don't be too long, though." Fred reminded. 

"And wear your coat, Fao, you'll catch a cold." Sheila tried again, holding it over the barrier. 

“Yeah, yeah, later.” Fao said, taking it and draping it over his arm. He helped Finn over the fence, and headed over to the team. They all adored Finn, they’d be glad to see him. They’d been thrilled when Fao told them he was watching. 

"Now, Fao! Put it on!" She called, shaking her head. She knew she was fighting a losing battle. 

“I’m gonna shower!” He shot back over his shoulder, heading across the pitch, Finn next to him. The team were happy to see Finn, laughing and grinning, and they all headed to the locker room to change and shower. 

Finn loved being included with the team, the older boys accepting him like an honorary younger brother. They all knew what he'd been through, what both of them had been through, and most of them were fiercely protective of the both of them. 

Fao had no issues leaving his brother with the rest of the team as he stripped off and showered, and whilst the locker room wasn’t the best environment for a 12 year old, the whole team weren’t about to ruin things by talking shit. As Fao got dressed, conversation turned to the night’s celebrations, where they were going to go. 

��Fao, you’re coming, right?”

“Ah, I’d love to, but with Finn and my parents here should probably head back home.”

“Nah, shut up. Finn can come with us, he can celebrate too!” 

"Can I, Fao? Please?" Finn’s face lit up. 

“I’ll have to ask mum, yeah?”

"I'll behave super well." He promised, grinning. 

Once they’d all changed and got sorted, they headed back home for a couple of hours before they planned on going out, which gave Fao and Finn time to convince Sheila to let them go. Fao wouldn’t stay for long, just the first pub, get a drink with the boys and then take Finn home. But the whole team had been egging him on to do it, promising they’d look after Finn, that there’d be no stupidity, and after a lot of begging she agreed. 

So they headed out, Sheila insisting that Fao wear his coat yet again, something about him already being cold making it worse. Fao shrugged her off, and as they walked from his flat to the pub in the rain, he draped his coat around his little brother to stop him getting cold. Finn was more important, at any rate, and it was cute to see him in the personalised jacket that had Blackwood, Captain on the back, as well as the uni logo. It was like he belonged. 

Finn loved every minute, feeling like one of the boys. Wearing Fao's jacket felt like a privilege, and he held his head high as he swaggered around. The coke he'd been bought was full sugar, too, which only added to his good mood. The boys were rowdy, and Finn quite happily joined in, celebrating along with them.

The pub was a firm favourite of theirs, they were well known and got plenty of good drinks. Fao was already on his second pint whilst Finn clutched his own pint of coke, the boys immediately treating him like one of their own, laughing and joking. Fao nudged his little brother, looking over at him. 

“Hey, Finn.”

He grinned at him. "Yeah?"

“Want a sip?” He offered.

"I'm not allowed." He shook his head, eyes wide.

“A sip is okay, if you want it. You don’t have to, it’s okay.”

"You won't tell mum?"

“I won’t. One sip is okay.”

"Go on, Finn. Give it a try!"

"Okay. Just a little one." Finn agreed. 

Fao pushed the glass towards him. “Careful, it’s heavy.”

He took it with both hands, doing his best to be careful. He took a cautious sip, quickly pulling away with a grimace. "Ew!"

Fao couldn’t help but laugh, as did the rest of the table, taking back the drink. “Not for you, eh?”

He shook his head dramatically, still pulling a face. "It's so gross!"

“It’s not that bad.”

Finn gratefully took his coke one of the lads next to him passed him, taking a big gulp. "It really is."

“Maybe you’ll like it when you’re older.” Fao told him, ruffling his hair. 

"I'm not gonna be allowedp to."

“Eh, you don’t know that.”

"I'm not allowed to with my medications."

“They might change in time, it’s okay.” Fao told him. “But you don’t have to drink to enjoy yourself.” 

"I know. I'm not right now."

“Exactly.” Fao sipped his drink now Finn wasn’t interested in it. 

Fao's teammate reached to ruffle Finn’s hair as well. "When you're old enough, you'll have to come out properly with us."

“When he’s old enough we’ll be bloody ancient.” Fao joked, clearing his throat. He definitely had a sore throat brewing, but he wasn’t about to admit it. That would just add fuel to Sheila’s fire that he should’ve worn his coat. 

"You're already ancient." Finn teased. 

“Hey!”

Mischief was clear in his grin. "It's true."

“Cheeky little git.”

Soon enough they finished their drinks, and as the rest of the team decided to head out to their next bar. Fao nudged his brother, and they said their goodbyes before they went home. Fao certainly didn’t need any more to drink, and the boys deserved a chance go be drunk and messy and rowdy. 

They headed back home in the cold, the rain having started again, and Fao made sure Finn kept his coat on. Finn needed it more than him, even though the scratch in his throat made him sure he was getting a cold. Better him to have it than Finn, a bit of rain wasn’t going to hurt him. He’d be fine. 

When they got in, Fao shook the rain from his hair, shutting the door behind him. “Mum, dad? We’re back.”

Sheila rounded the corner with a smile, though the look she gave Fao as she shook her head was less than impressed. "You didn't wear your coat, did you?"

“Didn’t want Finn to get cold.” He said, ruffling his brother’s hair. 

She folded her arms. "Go on, then. Go get warm, the pair of you."

Finn passed Fao's coat back to him, dropping his own on the floor. "Mum, guess what?"

"Mm?" She gave him a smile. "Did you have fun?"

"Yeah, loads!"

“Yeah, it was nice, wasn’t it?” Fao said, reaching to pick Finn’s coat up off of the floor and hanging both coats up on the rack. 

"Yeah! And you don't have to worry about me going out when I'm older, mum. I'm just gonna drink coke because I don't like the beer." Finn said lightly, heading through to the living room.

Fao rolled his eyes. “Oh my god.”  

Sheila turned to Fao. "Do you want to explain?"

“I offered him a sip - if he wanted - of my Guinness so he didn’t feel too left out. He didn’t really drink anything.”

"You know what? It's better I don't know." She laughed. "Go on, go get yourself warmed up."

“Honestly Mum, it was barely a sip.” Fao defended. 

"You boys are gonna be boys. I should know better by now." She shook her head, though was far from actually mad. "Go on."

“Figured he’d want to try, we were all drinking, making him feel like one of the guys. Obviously I wasn’t going to let him actually drink. And he hated it.” He said with a smile. “We did buy him proper coke though, I am responsible for that.”

She covered her face with her hands. "You should just have just bought him the beer."

“Probably.” He said, but moved to hug her. “Thanks for trusting me to take him out.”

"You know, I trust you to take more care of him than I do yourself." She said, hugging him back.

[random-idiot-yt]

Do not try this yourself! - Discover the reason why here -> https://youtu.be/K_5QRJn2L-0 #danger #dangerous #spill #watchout #dont #donot #no #not #fail #lol #idiot #challenge #why #fao #pouring #pour #stupid #fails #test #stupidity #think #liquid #mug #cup #coffee #tea #drink #arrow #sit #seat

[bremont]

Professor Lee, I enterally agreed with you, however is not only TRUMP, in America. here in France there are crowds of psychopaths that enjoy killing each other’s as the time goes by. So, you better look up further sociopath psychopaths and intelligent idiots exist from the FAO to the UN to government to industry, to bankers to traders, and many more. Why these people are slaughtering each other is a? to ask: what matters is that surviving of the fittest no longer makes sense; but rather a communal suicide of intelligent idiots, as they believe they know best and they all end up in the morgue. for money wealth and position whatever the reason is they are all obliging suicide. Nevertheless, when the fittest survive, how is the discernment done? How is nature able to discern who dies and who survives? who carries the healthy gene and how the distorted mothers that carry the distorted gene end up dead and their siblings mentally restarted commit suicide in the end. A sort of endless Shakespeare Macbeth. As if nature keeps the sociopaths alive, so they will kill what remains of those that are better dead than alive‼

[sprakdesign]

Interior Office Design - Ranking Interior Designing Schools

Interior Office Design - Ranking Interior Designing Schools

By: Daniel Wilson

Image Source: Pinterest

Discover recipes, home ideas, style inspiration and other ideas to try.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fAO-t6BglEg

Youtube Source: Handyan Media

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[satiresandstrawberries-blog]

COWS, MOO.

What makes cows so interesting?

What are they?

What are cows to you? A source of steak, milk, (theoretical) greenhouses that can set the world into economical and environmental chaos?

Let’s talk etymology first. The word cow, is the informal word for the name cattle. Cattle at first meant moveable, personal property, a variant of the word chattel, a unit of personal property. Because we are lazy human beings and we can’t bare two syllable words, we made the excuse cow meant bovine animal.

Cows were actually brought to America by the Pilgrims. That's all I can say about their origins. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND–an opposing source says that cattle came first from the first Spanish conquistadors on their way to America. So, if you like Spanish people, you can say they brought the first cows, and if you like pilgrims, you can also say they brought cows to America.  

Despite their ubiquitousness, cows are fairly complex. A regular cattle’s stomach consists of four compartments: The Rumen, Reticulum, Omasum, and the Abomasum. I hate these names.

Seeing that cows are idiots, that’s where the reticulum comes in. When they consume metal and other things of hardware–the harmful objects end up in the Reticulum–keeping the cows safe from further harm, never really learning a lesson.

The average life of a cow, is about 22-25 years, and we can actually see this by counting the number of rings on their horns-like trees, but for cows.

Cows also have an almost 360 panoramic vision, and can see all colors except red-because nobody likes red. They can also detect odors from 5 miles away, and I don’t even know how much five miles away is. And of course, they even best us humans in hearing lower and higher frequencies in sound. But aside from that, cows actually share 80% of our genes of their 22,000.

Cows actually have emotions.  These even contribute to their meat quality and milk.

There have been five emotional traits of cows.

shyness-boldness

exploration-avoidance

activity

aggressiveness

sociability

Speaking of emotions and other things we don’t need, let’s talk about sleep. A domestic cow apparently only has 4 hours of sleep, around the same estimate as a teenager who uses the excuse they have insomnia when they’re actually cultivating useless mutual relationships. And despite common myth, cows sleep lying down, and cannot be tipped over by people pushing them.

And speaking of myths, let’s talk about something cows contribute a vast amount to, global warming. Cows apparently according to “scientists” from the FAO (False Attainments Organization), are responsible for 18% of the world’s entire amount of greenhouse gases by meth-ane, wow.

Another concern for these “scientists” is their manure?

I’m done, bye.

[evinayak]

Court may ask U 2 disclose #EVERYthing from #watch & #perfume used when wife seeks #moolah !!

If your Wife files a maintenance case on you, you may be forced by the court to disclose everything from the brand of perfume you use, the brand of watch you wear, details of all movable and immovable property you have, details of your income, details of the debit & credit cards that you have etc etc !!! Try telling this to any person trying to get married and he will laugh at you as if you are in idiot. He will call you a loser, he will call you a loner, and talk to you as if you do not have manhood😞😞 !! The Same young man will later realise the truth, but it will be very late by then 😳😳

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////// 15.4 This Court is of the view that the format of affidavit of assets, income and expenditure provided in Form 16-A of Appendix E of the Code of Civil Procedure is not comprehensive to discover the complete income, assets and expenditure of the parties in matrimonial litigation and therefore, there is a need to formulate a comprehensive affidavit of assets, income and expenditure. Puneet Kaur v. Inderjit Singh Sawhney, 2011 (183) DLT 403

16. In Puneet Kaur v. Inderjit Singh Sawhney (supra), this Court, while dealing with Section 24 of the Hindu Marriage Act, directed both the parties to file detailed affidavits of their assets, income and expenditure. The relevant portion of the said judgment is held as under:

7. ...both the parties are directed to file their respective affidavits of assets, income and expenditure from the date of the marriage up to this date containing the following particulars:--

7.1 Personal Information (i) Educational qualifications. (ii) Professional qualifications. (iii) Present occupation. (iv) Particulars of past occupation, (v) Members of the family. (a) Dependent. (b) Independent. 7.2 Income (i) Salary, if in service. (ii) Income from business/profession, if self employed. (iii) Particulars of all earnings since marriage. (iv) Income from other sources:-- (a) Rent. (b) Interest on bank deposits and FDRs. (c) Other interest i.e. on loan, deposits, NSC, IVP, KVP, Post Office schemes, PPF etc. (d) Dividends. (e) Income from machinery, plant or furniture let on hire. (f) Gifts and Donations. (g) Profit on sale of movable/immovable assets. (h) Any other income not covered above. 7.3 Assets (i) Immovable properties:-- (a) Building in the name of self and its Fair Market Value (FMV):-- - Residential. - Commercial. - Mortgage. - Given on rent. - Others. (b) Plot/land. (c) Leasehold property. (d) Intangible property e.g. patents, trademark, design, goodwill. (e) Properties in the name of family members/HUF and their FMV. (ii) Movable properties:-- (a) Furniture and fixtures. (b) Plant and Machinery. (c) Livestock. (d) Vehicles i.e. car, scooter along with their brand and registration number. (iii) Investments:-- (a) Bank Accounts - Current or Savings. (b) Demat Accounts. (c) Cash. (d) FDRs, NSC, IVP, KVP, Post Office schemes, PPF etc. (e) Stocks, shares, debentures, bonds, units and mutual funds. (f) LIC policy. (g) Deposits with Government and Non-Government entities. (h) Loan given to friends, relatives and others. (i) Telephone, mobile phone and their numbers. (j) TV, Fridge, Air Conditioner, etc. (k) Other household appliances. (l) Computer, Laptop. (m) Other electronic gadgets including I-pad etc. (n) Gold, silver and diamond Jewellery. (o) Silver Utensils. (p) Capital in partnership firm, sole proprietorship firm. (q) Shares in the Company in which Director. (r) Undivided share in HUF property. (s) Booking of any plot, flat, membership in Co-op. Group Housing Society. (t) Other investments not covered by above items. (iv) Any other assets not covered above. 7.4 Liabilities (i) OD, CC, Term Loan from bank and other institutions. (ii) Personal/business loan (a) Secured. (b) Unsecured. (iii) Home loan. (iv) Income Tax, Wealth Tax and Property Tax. 7.5 Expenditure (i) Rent and maintenance including electricity, water and gas. (ii) Lease rental, if any asset taken on hire. (iii) Installment of any house loan, car loan, personal loan, business loan, etc. (iv) Interest to bank or others. (v) Education of children including tuition fee. (vi) Conveyance including fuel, repair and maintenance of vehicle. Also give the average distance travelled every day. (vii) Premium of LIC, Medi-claim, house and vehicle policy. (viii) Premium of ULIP, Mutual Fund. (ix) Contribution to PPF, EPF, approved superannuation fund. (x) Mobile/landline phone bills. (xi) Club subscription and usage, subscription to news papers, periodicals, magazines, etc. (xii) Internet charges/cable charges. (xiii) Household expenses including kitchen, clothing, etc. (xiv) Salary of servants, gardener, watchmen, etc. (xv) Medical/hospitalization expenses. (xvi) Legal/litigation expenses. (xvii) Expenditure on dependent family members. (xviii) Expenditure on entertainment. (xix) Expenditure on travel including outstation/foreign travel, business as well as personal. (xx) Expenditure on construction/renovation and furnishing of residence/office. (xxi) Any other expenditure not covered above. 7.6 General Information regarding Standard of Living and Lifestyle (i) Status of family members. (ii) Credit/debit cards. (iii) Expenditure on marriage including marriage of family members. (iv) Expenditure on family functions including birthday of the children. (v) Expenditure on festivals. (vi) Expenditure on extra-curricular activities. (vii) Destination of honeymoon. (viii) Frequency of travel including outstation/foreign travel, business as well as personal. (ix) Mode of travel in city/outside city. (x) Mode of outstation/foreign travel including type of class. (xi) Category of hotels used for stay, official as well as personal, including type of rooms. (xii) Category of hospitals opted for medical treatment including type of rooms. (xiii) Name of school(s) where the child or children are studying. (xiv) Brand of vehicle, mobile and wrist watch. (xv) Value of jewellery worn. (xvi) Details of residential accommodation. (xvii) Value of gifts received. (xviii) Value of gifts given at family functions. (xix) Value of donations given. (xx) Particulars of credit card/debit card, its limit and usage. (xxi) Average monthly withdrawal from bank. (xxii) Type of restaurant visited for dining out. (xxiii) Membership of clubs, societies and other associations. (xxiv) Brand of alcohol, if consumed. (xxv) Particulars of all pending as well as decided cases including civil, criminal, labour, income tax, excise, property tax, MACT, etc. with parties name.

8. Both the parties are also directed to file, along with affidavit, copies of the documents relating to their assets, income and expenditure from the date of the marriage up to this date and more particularly the following:--

(i) Relevant documents with respect to income including Salary certificate, Form 16A, Income Tax Returns, certificate from the employer regarding cost to the company, balance sheet, etc. (ii) Audited accounts, if deponent is running business and otherwise, non-audited accounts i.e. balance sheets, profit and loss account and capital account. (iii) Statement of all bank accounts. (iv) Statement of Demat accounts. (v) Passport. (vi) Credit cards. (vii) Club membership cards. (viii) Frequent Flyer cards. (ix) PAN card. (x) Applications seeking job, in case of unemployed person.

9. The affidavit and documents be filed within a period of four weeks with an advance copy to opposite parties who shall file their response within two weeks thereafter.

11. Both the parties are directed to remain present in Court on the next date of hearing along with all original documents relating to their assets, income and expenditure."

17. Format of the affidavit of assets, income and expenditure.

17.1 This Court is of the view that a comprehensive affidavit of assets, income and expenditure should be filed by the both the parties at the very threshold in all matrimonial cases to enable the Courts to determine the maintenance on the basis of true income of the parties.

17.2 The affidavit of assets, income and expenditure by the parties at the very threshold of matrimonial litigation has following advantages:-

(i) The parties will have to disclose their true income, assets and expenditure. (ii) The maintenance order can be passed expeditiously without any delay on the basis of the affidavit. (iii) Substantial judicial time would be saved. (iv) The maintenance would be fixed by the Court on the basis of true income of the parties.

17.3 The learned amici curiae agree to the formulating of the format of the affidavit of income, assets and expenditure to be filed by the parties.

17.4 This Court has formulated the draft of the assets, income and expenditure to be filed by the parties at the very threshold in all matrimonial cases which is attached hereto as Annexure A.

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Kusum Sharma vs Mahinder Kumar Sharma on 14 January, 2015

Author: J.R. Midha

WITH

FAO 297/1997, MAT.APP. 47/2005, MAT.APP. 64/2007, MAT.APP. 33/2010, MAT.APP. 35/2010, MAT.APP. 124/2010 MAT.APP. 36/2012 & MAT.APP. 8/2013