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grisdidthis · 4 years ago

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CHAPTER ONE: FIRST SIGHT

AKA, blessed fucknuggets, why do these fools feel the need to put themselves through high school, my sources tell me that the US school system isn’t all that to begin with, what gives?

PREVIOUS ENTRIES

(Warning: this got long. Looooong. Hence, cut, so that I don’t murder your dash like Edward doesn’t murder Bella in this chapter.)

Welcome to the first entry of a live-read that no one asked for, in which I’ll go through the first chapter of Midnight Sun, i.e. a retelling of the first Twilight book from Edward Cullen’s POV. Not to be confused with Grey, a retelling of the first volume of a Twilight fanfic with the serial numbers filed off, or the Life and Death edition, a retelling of the first Twilight book in which Bella Swan is genderbent into a dude called Beau, who utters the immortal line “I knew I must look like a gorilla on a greyhound.” Which still tickles my humerus to this day.

I’ve waited for this novel to drop so long that at some point I’d stopped waiting. If by some freaky turn of chance you stumbled on this without knowing about the hoopla surrounding the publication, here’s a Wikipedia link. The gist is that the first few chapters of the WIP got leaked, the author got upset, the book got shelved until ??? and no further information about it was forthcoming until a while ago, when out of the blue arrive the news that it’s getting released in August.

My first thought was “Oh, yay, something actually NICE is happening this year!”

My second thought was “Please let it be good, so that I can laugh outrageously at [name redacted] for mocking my enjoyment of this series!” And. Look. I know what’s said about Twilight with regards to its literary merit and Stephenie Meyer’s abilities as a writer. A lot of it is admittedly accurate. However, the metrics by which I measure the value of a book are a) did it entertain me? and b) did I gain anything by having read it? And yeah, those are personal and subjective items, but objectivity is a lie, Jesus enjoys using toasters to take selfies, and if ten years ago I hadn’t been looking for a place to post my 50k+ epic Renesmee-centric fanfic, I wouldn’t have met the people who are currently my best friends.

Which is to say: I’m too attached to this series to give a fig what color the prose is. Deal.

And yet. Me hoping that Midnight Sun would be good, in a way that people who don’t have my level of emotional investment might acknowledge, wasn’t… that farfetched? Because the last book Meyer released before this one, The Chemist? Is an improvement on all her previous work. A huge improvement! It’s competently written! The characters read like they were intended to be flawed, messy people.

The main romance isn’t the kind of fucked up that Bella and Edward’s is, where you can pen treatises on why they’re omg so unhealthy. It’s the kind of fucked up where five seconds after meeting her love interest, the protagonist drugs him unconscious, kidnaps him, sticks a urinary catheter up his ding dong, straps him to a table and tortures him for information until the guy’s ex-CIA identical twin drops a plane on the barn they’re in and crashes through the ceiling all “HANDS OFF MY BABY BROTHER YOU DISCOUNT MATA HARI!”

Then they all make friends and go on a road trip together because a shady government organization is after them.

That’s not a fucked-up relationship that you write an essay analyzing the fucked-up-ness of. It’s something you stare at, stunned and, if you’re me, torn between thinking “Holy shit, this is so my brand of heroine!!!” and “How much crack was Auntie Steph on when she wrote this?” And it’s beautiful. I want ten more like it. So my hopes for Midnight Sun are tempered by the knowledge that, being a retelling of an established narrative, it can’t go all-out with the batshit. But I’m still optimistic that some part of it will give me that warm “Awww, you’ve come a long way from where we first met, author! Good on you!” feeling.

Now let’s (finally!) get started on the chapter proper.

…oh wait there’s an author’s note.

…uhm. Yeah. My dreams. About those. *fixed stare at faraway bonfire* Actually, let’s not talk about those and just move on to Edward Not Liking High School, thank you. Yeah. That’s good.

Edward Cullen doesn’t like high school. Edward doesn’t like that people think. Edward doesn’t like that the human student body is beside itself with the arrival of some new chick. Edward thinks his adopted siblings are super basic. (Rosalie = shallow, Emmett = simple, Jasper = psycho two seconds away from jumping off his chair and going on a rampage.) We don’t get to hear his utterly unbiased assessment of Alice, because she butts in and starts a one-sided telepathic convo about how Jasper is two seconds away from jumping off his chair and going on a rampage. You know. Normal sibling stuff.

WHY DO YOU PUT YOURSELF THROUGH THIS HASSLE, WHY!

(Let me take this opportunity to share my pet crack theory that Carlisle Cullen is secretly the most twisted, evil vampire in all of vampiredom, and that the sending the young ones to high school bit is something he does solely because he gets his evil fix by feasting on the emotional toil it inflicts on them. Also why he’s a doctor; he can ignore the call of blood, because being surrounded by the pain of patients and their loved ones already keeps him fed. I mean. He was chilling with the Volturi way back when, and Aro gives off a handsy vibe. No way he didn’t get his mind read in every which way, and if that happened - if he were reaaaalllyyyyy that nice, why would he still ping them as a threat of any kind?)

(This has holes in it, I know. And clashes with my other pet crack theory, which posits that the whole immortal child/Let’s Catch Them All: Cullen Edition was in fact the fallout of a Very Bad Italian Breakup, with Aro being the pissy ex who wants sole custody of the kids.)

Whatever. It still makes more sense than them going through “the inert state between active periods” when. My dudes! College is right there. Some places you can even sit out 90% of lectures and still get your diploma if you don’t feel like faking one, so Jasper would be all set! And you can pick different subjects! Diversify! Why must it always be med school rehashes, there are other worthy professions! And whole fields that are useless for getting-a-job purposes, but still interesting and enriching for those who have the luxury to pursue them. Let Emmett do Viking Studies, for fuck’s sake!

This amuses me much more than it rightfully should. I’m a child.

The Cullen clan tries to pep talk Jasper into not getting his murder on. Jasper is like OMG WILL YOU GUYS LAY OFF, while Edward is busy doing his judgy Edward thing and thinking to himself that Jasper should accept his limitations, that it’s a bad idea to have him at school at all, blah blah bleh, and you know what, I’m with you there, Ed.

Although we all know that this is just setup for the irony that will ensue as soon as Bella the Delicious klutzes her way into his line of smell.

Oh yah! Enter Bella. Edward can’t hear her thoughts. Jessica Stanley is a b-word. Edward wonders whether not being able to butt into the new girl’s head may be a red flag for vampire Alzheimer. Biology class next! The teacher is a man “of no more than average intellect” and, lord. It’s lucky that Edward is the mind reader in the family, because imagine if it were one of the others and they had to put up with listening to him bitch about the world at large, nonstop, at all hours of the day. And night, since these guys don’t sleep. Angela Webber is the only soul in the whole school whose thoughts have the Edward Cullen seal of approval. I feel sorry for her. I also feel this weird sense of hey, this all seems familiar in senses other than being a retelling, have I been here before?

Wait.

WAAAIIIIIITEEEEE.

*googles for the old version*

*runs first chapters through copyleaks*

*kubrick stare* MEYER, YOU LAZY SO AND SO, HOW COULD YOU!

*slams head on desk*

Well. At least I know what I’m in for. HONESTLY! It’s been. It’s been THIS MANY YEARS since the leaked version appeared, and that was a first draft, how in the… she’s way better than this, now! Was this novel produced in a terminal state of $#%CARING#NOT?&FOUND?! Is half of it just going to be the same old thing with a thin veneer of polish? I’m.

*sigh* You know what, I’m okay. We’re just going to call this first part a re-read. It’s been ten years, so I remember not a whole lot of the specifics, so at least I won’t be bored. BUT COME CHAPTER 13 I EXPECT TO BE SWEPT OFF MY FEET, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

Biology. Bella walks in right past a fan and gives Edward a throbbing throat boner. How awkward. Then she goes and sits right next to him and saucily tosses her hair around like he’s not actively plotting her murder and that of the rest of the class. The cheek of the thing!

Fortunately, Bella’s tasty ass is momentarily saved by a stiff breeze.

…I think we may have found the solution to Jasper’s control issues. The Cullens just need to start carrying air freshener around and spray the murder out of him every time he starts looking peckish. It would look weird if anyone else did it, but since they’re all pretty and rich, it’s more likely that the trend will catch on and cause Febreze sales to skyrocket.

Anyway. We’re not done victim-blaming Bella for…

…at least another couple of pages, but at least Edward gets his head out of his ass long enough to recall that hey, vampire! Oxygen is optional! But he still spends another lot of words grumbling about what a hassle it is to be forced to hold his breath in order to dampen his murderous urges. This is why you are a virgin, Edward. No, I don’t mean the planning the assassination a classmate’s assassination, plenty of serial killers still manage to get laid heaps, consensually, even! It’s the fact that you’re this much of a buzzkill that’s the issue.

Live, laugh, love, you dumbass disco ball!

Yep, he’s still on about how he’s going to kill her, totes kill her, he feral dangerous vampire, rawr. The miracle of adequate indoor airflow only got him to railroad a quartet of brain cells into thinking up smarter ways of snuffing Bella out. Now he wants to lure her to the forest. No, he’s going to kill her at home! He hates her! No, he hates himself and is projecting!

So he flees to his car, plays some calming music, breathes in and out and thinks about his family and how disappointed they’d be in him if he were to help himself to a Swan shake. Well, I’m nobody to shit talk anyone’s self-soothing routine. I’d probably throw in a truck of food + a bath, but he’s had 100+ years to figure out what coping mechanisms work for him, so let’s just let him do his-

Edward.

EDWARD.

…do you actually think this is an appropriate time to start a ginger-off with some random desk lady? Yes, we know you’re the One True Redhead To Rule Them All. (Though Kvothe from Name of the Wind may beg to differ, and I don’t know who would win that fight.) I mean, really? You pull this crap when you just barely talked yourself out of a murder? And then you call her eyes flat! What!

One of my favorite comic book series, Y the Last Man, features a scene where two characters discuss what it is that truly binds people together. One of them presents the argument that stronger bonds are formed not by shared love, but by shared hates. By which they mean not a kiss-kiss-slap-slap, enemies-to-lovers relationship dynamic, but like… you, being someone who really hates coleslaw, having a partner who likewise hates coleslaw, with whom you can indulge in tireless verbal roastings of coleslaw and who will never get tired of your complaining, because the fire of their loathing burns every bit as hot as yours.

I’ve always felt that this concept resonated with me deeply. And if you apply it to Bella and Edward, by its standards, they have the real deal. Go through the namesake chapter in Twilight-the-book, and you find Bella thinking similarly judgy thoughts, being irked by the same shit that no one normal would bat an eye to, going “Ugh!” and “Gah!” at everything that makes Edward wince internally. So their love will be eternal for sure. Perhaps not in an epic way. They’ll live boringly ever after, until they’re ancient and onion-skinned and lurking at passerby humans through the geraniums on their windowsill, exchanging “Holy crow, I can’t believe she bought a hydrogen engine car just to show off!” / “Awful! She should know that thinning the deer population so that they produce less flatulence is the most sound way of controlling toxic emissions!” And then probably gazing at one another like idiots for an ice age or two.

Edward wants to be moved out of Biology class. Goes back and forth with the desk lady, who obviously wants to tap that, because of course she does. Every hot-blooded woman within spitting distance must crave his alluring icicle, even as he mentally eviscerates every minuscule detail of their appearance.

Except Bella, because she’s soft, translucent, deep-eyed and edible. And, I mean. You can complain all you want about “you’re different from anyone else I’ve ever met, you’re SPECIAL, better, more beautiful, more everything!” being a dead horse of a trope so old and beaten that by all rights it should have turned to smelly glue, but. That pony is still kicking. And by kicking, I mean selling. And it sells because being made to feel special, even if it’s happening by proxy while you’re immersed into the thoughts of a fictional character, is nice. Readers enjoying that experience and seeking out fiction that provides it shouldn’t be considered so… mock-worthy as I’ve seen it be, in discussion of works that feature the trope prominently.

Which doesn’t mean that it wouldn’t be nicer if Edward’s narration were focused solely on elevating Bella, instead of also viciously kicking down everyone in the vicinity. Man, we get the message, okay? You don’t need to act like you’ve swallowed a Simon Cowell before coming in for school.

I swear, it’s almost a relief when Bella interrupts, heralding the triumphant return of the throat boner. Edward’s thoughts about the people around him are actually LESS gratuitously bitchy when he’s contemplating how to best murder them.

At least this time he is able to extract himself from the situation and flee speedily. (Which… in Biology, what exactly was preventing him from asking for a bathroom break? Or just saying he was feeling poorly and getting the fuck out of there?)

He meets the sibs. Only Alice has any clue of what is going on because visions, and she doesn’t explain anything to the others, who just stand there baffled while Edward decides to get his shiny ass in his shiny Volvo and run off to Alaska. Probably because it would ruin the serious mood of the scene if she told them and Jasper started doing happy cartwheels at the prospect of no longer being the only fuckup in the family.

END CHAPTER. Same time tomorrow, hopefully, and I’ll TRY to be less longwinded. Try.

#TWILIGHT #MIDNIGHT SUN #EDWARD CULLEN #GRISREADSMS #MIDNIGHT SUN SPOILERS

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ofaudreys-blog · 6 years ago

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hello everyone i’m blue (or another color if it makes it less confusing kjsdjfkks)! i’m super excited to introduce you guys to audrey, big heart in a smol body! but yes okay i have her backstory n personality n wanted connections under the cut so pls hmu on here or discord to plot bc im literally so hyped!!

— audrey tuyen phan is finishing up her last year at ventura with hopes of graduating and attending university of california, los angeles to study biology. four years in and she’s known as the syrupy, which makes perfect sense considering how amicable, fervent, sensitive, and obdurate she is. that title landed her the senior class superlative of most likely to come back to the school and teach. when you hear coloring outside the lines - misterwives coming from a car this summer, it’ll most likely be them. speaking of summer, once school ends i hear her plans are to get out of her comfort zone. i can’t help but to be reminded of a sunset glistening over the ocean, splatters of oil paint on old clothes, flower petals pressed between the pages of a book, and a heart shaped locket filled with memories.

okay so! backstory time!

audrey grew up in ventura! she has a younger sister (sophie) and grew up with her mom and her dad around for the most part. was introduced to art as a kid and had an ok childhood! her dad's a graphic designer and would draw with her or sing lullabies to her when she was young n her mom was an up-and-coming, trying to make it big actress!

her parents got divorced in the middle of 6th grade and it kinda broke audrey’s heart? because she really believed in her parents’ meet-cute story of like “love at first sight” and all that! but nope her mom was hooking up with a co-star behind her dad’s back and then up and left the family without much care for any of them and it hit Really Hard

her dad didn’t remarry and bc of legal reasons she had to visit her mom (who pretended to care for audrey n sophie... but really didnt) every other weekend and audrey was just not about that and it kinda made her become super shy

her dad started to become super busy (and also was beginning to drink a lot more heavily... but audrey pretended not to notice) and so her grandmother would tend to care for her and her sister and it was great for a time! her grandma was the Best and would bake w them and bring them out to the park to play and sit her up on the counter and wag her finger on what to do and what not to do and like audrey’s heart, even tho it was a lil doubtful of love in those moments, she was taught to be v kind and loving to everyone she met

her grandma was diagnosed w leukemia and eventually passed away and at that point audrey was v v sad bc she was v close with her grandma but her grandma’s last words to her were about staying true to herself and to always have love in her heart so to this day she tries to live up to those words and like !! its what really drives her to be empathetic

her dad reached his lowest point w alcoholism and would occasionally lash out verbally at his children but never violently, and at some point audrey stuck up the courage to get him into AA during her freshman year and so now she tries to make sure her dad’s sober and is afraid to leave for college bc she doesn’t want him to relapse (so thats why she’s going to ucla bc it’s not terribly far)

currently her sister’s a freshman and going to be a sophomore and audrey’s constantly looking out for her lil sister bc she can see that she’s fallin into the wrong crowd so rip but audrey’s that Annoying Older Sibling who keeps trying to protect her sister even tho u just gotta let them experience life

she’s going to ucla to study biology and hopefully become a doctor / nurse bc she wants to help other ppl really badly! at school she’s definitely a local volunteer for almost everything, possibly a cheerleader? she got Pep, probably works at a local library bc she a big Softie for books!, and probably the head of like an art club or smth skdkskkjds

OKAY ONTO HER PERSONALITY BC THIS IS LONG ENOUGH

she’s a giant hopeless romantic and falls in love really easily and normally for the wrong people. like in short, v idealistic and v much a dreamer, always optimistic about the future!!! believes in everyone and gives second chances and v much nonconfrontational

she’s super talkative and energetic and could probably talk ur ear off and will 100% try to befriend almost everyone and it can honestly sometimes come off as fake?? but like she’s genuinely trying , although sometimes it gets exhausting for her

she’s super passionate and she’s a v much all or nothing type of person! will put her heart and soul into anything and everything

loves to people watch and sketches almost everyone she meets and everyone she sees, she’s v big on Art and probably has half-finished sketchbooks lying around her room and unfinished canvases and her desk (and clothes) are probably covered in paint Always! loves to visit art museums

she loves to stargaze too! big into astrology. she’s a pisces

cooks like a Food Network Star and probably makes all of her grandma’s recipes and probably if u ever come over her house she will cook u up a five course meal

oh yeah she’s v much sensitive and emotional, like if u poke her feelings she will b all over the place but she likes to pretend she’s strong but she’s soft! i mean she will stick up for her friends and is slowly building up her courage, but she will cry 5 minutes BEFORE Up begins or really any disney movie , she’s a giant fan of disney. will apologize in 0.5 seconds bc she wants everyone to get along and b happy , v much a peacemaker

she’s kinda free spirited?? spontaneous and definitely up for last minute adventures and midnight trips into downtown but in the end she’s scared of letting go and getting out of her comfort zone but she’s trying to get better at that this summer, especially since she knows she’ll be homesick once she goes to uni

and i think thats it!!!! time for wanted connections here we go

bad/good influence where either they help her become a bit more Tough or just get her to branch out and get her Wild Side to emerge

ex who totally broke her heart :/// or maybe theyre on good terms now!

ex friends???

unrequited love?

frenemies ??/

rivals??

give this gal an enemy who annoys the heck outta her and brings out her Bad Side

ppl who came close to dating / were close friends who were about to date but something happened and now its super awkward

art friends! or her muse who she loves to draw/paint with

OR WE CAN BRAINSTORM!! <3 hmu i love u all

#ventura:intro #OKAY FINALLY #❛ ✱ ⋮ ᴛᴡᴏ ʙʀᴏs ᴄʜɪʟʟɪɴɢ ɪɴ ᴀ ʜᴏᴛ ᴛᴜʙ ❱ ooc.

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m-i-y-o-k-i · 7 years ago

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host and kinki just always being asses to each other, but they're like, actually friends behind it all? like, insults between them dont mean shit as long as the two are the ones saying it to the other. they get info and favors from each other and could almost just, rule over the students if they so pleased

they do grow closer together. kinki sneaking out after cheerleading practice to hang out in host’s little info lair in the band classroom. downing gatorade and smirking as he hears host freak out over whatever the drama is today in school.

“robbie got caught with weed again in mr. roberts gym class,” host sighs, “maybe he wouldnt act like a zombie if he didnt smoke it so much.”

“true.” kinki yawns as he types away at his phone, “google and wilfy are bullying google’s little brothers this week. they’re planning to humiliate them at the pep rally tomorrow.”

“wont his parents be pissed?”

“googles or wilfy’s? google’s dad is a single technology CEO, he doesnt stay home enough to discipline or even see them. he wont say shit. wilfy’s mom ran off with some dude in florida, he has the whole house to himself.” kinki looks up, “hey…can i be real?”

“not the fake plastic prep you are?”

kinki laughs, “you…think tomorrows pep rally will go great? i…kinda teamed up with student council to make it better than last year’s. i actually put some effort into it. actually, a fuckton of effort. i think im just an anxious mess–”

“it’ll be fine.” host sighs, shooting kinki a soft smile, “you have a talent for detail and entertainment. i’m confident it’ll be great. hell, its all over instagram right now, even more on twitter. everyone’s excited for it. you just need to slow down and gain some confidence in yourself.”

“…i guess you’re right. thanks, hostie…” kinki smiles back, blushing, “you’re nice when you’re not being an ass.”

“you’re nice when you’re not flaunting your ass for attention.”

“looks who’s talking. as if you don’t have a huge hard on for that student tutor for mrs. percy’s medical biology class! i’ve seen your emails to him,” kinki covers his eyes, using a deep voice, “hello edward, would you kindly help me with chapter 12 while ramming into m–”

kinki groans as host throws a notebook his way. the two laughing away at their dumb bickering banter. unlikely friends in this hellhole of a school.

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teaandfantasyy-blog · 7 years ago

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ACOTAR high school headcanons

Rhysand: The flirtatious, wordsy, bad boy. Can swoon almost every student in the school in mere moments. Has a knack for poetry. Always wears vans and fake glasses. Has a satchel, not a backpack. Owns a copy of Romeo and Juliet and milk and honey. Carries both everywhere. Excels in English and literature class. His locker is covered in photos of the squad ™

Feyre: The cute art nerd. Wears sweaters with frayed sleeves that come over her wrists. Has a backpack made of denim covered in hand-made patches. All her notebooks and novels are SATURATED in doodles. Her hair is constantly in a messy bun with a pencil shoved in it. Seems smol, but could kill you with a “don’t touch me I’m painting” glare.

Cassian: The jock. Captain of every sports team. Only wears his varsity jacket. Never washes it. His grin scares away opponents. His abs draw in suitors. Has a surprising talent for maths. Coaches the younger middle school basketball and football teams. Is great with kids. Gives the tightest hugs and bro-iest bro hugs. Has a nike backpack.

Azriel: The quiet broody genius. A genius who is way to hard on himself with studying. Stays up till 3am fuelled on black coffee to study for a test he’s studied for 20 times already “just incase I’ve missed something.” Every folder he has is jam packed with notes and everything he owns is covered in scribbles and falling apart from overuse. Excels in every subject but he loves physics and the concept of flight.

Amren: The scene kid. Wears bright red lipstick and the most killer winged eyeliner. She either dresses with 7inch heels and amazing clothing or sweatpants, converse and a middle finger for anybody who dares cross her. Succeeds in drama and biology. Is fascinated by the human body. Listens to screamo and heavy metal while studying. Gets a blood orange lemonade from Starbucks every morning and she will be cranky as hell if she doesn't get it.

Mor: The political princess. Leads pep rallies around the school, wearing fierce clothing, with a megaphone in her hand at all times. Stands up for people of all religions, races, sexualities etc; in the school. Loved and frightened by all. Owns so many badges with feminism and LGBTQA+ supportive slogans. An absolute sweetheart who blows her teachers away in CSPE. (Political and world studies)

#acotar #ACOTAR #ACOMAF #tog #throne of glass #sarah j Maas #Rhys #rhysand #feyre #Cassian #azriel #amren #mor #feysand #headcanons #nessian

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readmyjournal1996-blog · 7 years ago

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when you think you love something

12/3/2017

I thought that I loved biology. My senior year of high school, I had no idea whatsoever as to what I wanted to major in, and college apps were due soon. Then, in my AP Bio class, I saw the light! I was good at that class. i aced almost everything. It was something I wanted to actually try in.

I started to notice how many nature documentaries I was watching in my free time. And how much I loved to learn about new animals, especially those that live in the ocean. I loved biology, and I thought that I had found something that I wanted to study for the rest of my life.

Fast forward to 10:01 AM in my ecology lab of my junior year in college. I’m so sick of this class. It turns out that anything ecology involves endless counting, and I’ve also found out that I’m not the best counter. My cell bio class is another one that I’m totally sick of. For every test I’ve taken so far, I have gone in with such high expectations, but I liked to you Professor, I rewatched your damn lecture captures so many times, and guess who still gets a C on everything? I don’t think I’ve ever been this discouraged.

And this is only my first semester actually taking any major classes. So far, I don’t believe I’ve learned much more that I haven’t already heard of before. You think you love something until you actually experience it.

I’m not every fond of my classes this semester, and although it makes me think that that maybe bio isn’t for me, I just have to keep telling myself that this is only the beginning. I have three semesters left of biology classes, and maybe I can’t find something to rekindle this flame I thought I had.

The ocean and its marine life is what I really love of biology. In fact, I almost went to a college in Florida to study marine biology, to major in that specifically. I had gotten accepted and given a very hefty scholarship upon my admission, and all I had to do was pay for room and board. Yeah, it was like $12k a year, but /marine biology/! It was a dream come true. They had a marching band. I could have lived by the beach. Maybe made more friends?

It’s all what if’s that I never got to try out, and I think about that today as I sit in an echo-y lab room, trying to comprehend the words coming from my Nepal-born professor. He’s done some extraordinary work with snow leopards that is so cool, but I can’t understand anything more than that.

UIC has both a pep band and concert band, which I’ve decided to join. I thought that thrusting myself into something that I liked in high school would open some doors for me, and hep me make friends. Because I certainly didn’t have any of those in high school. Yet, wouldn’t you know, UIC has close to 0% school spirit whatsoever. Everyone already has their friend groups (including in band) and no one seems to be looking for anyone else. The few people I have managed to make friends with commute, and there’s no staying after class to hangout.

Believe me, I am grateful for those people who decided to still sit next to me this late in the semester. I am. I just wish that things were still a little different, mostly because that’s what I was expecting coming into a huge four year university.

I expected these groups of friends that wanted to stay late on campus to hangout and study. I expected people to say, “hey, let’s go grab something to eat!” I expected myself to be walking to class with a friend or two, and weekends spent with them too.

Right now, I’d like to take a moment to say how much I appreciate the one person who, in my opinion, has met every single one of these expectations. Her (fake) name is Rosa. She’s been such a great friend to me recently, and I can honestly say that I don’t think there has been anyone else whose taken even a moment out of there day to think about me and my feelings. I’m so happy that I have you as a friend Rosa, and I hope we continue to be friends while we’re both still here.

Other than here and our walks home together after class down Taylor, I find myself still very alone.

I haven’t thought about the fact that maybe I could be a junior in a marine biology program down in Florida right now, for a quite a while. Even though I think that things could be so different there, it’s probably not true! Things have always turned out to be just okay for me, in my opinion. Average things happen to very average people; I find myself to be one of the average-est.

I don’t know why I still expect things to be any different. For things to be better. I am so unsatisfied with what my 20-year-old life has become, and I’m just sad all the time. But am I sad because I don’t like how things have turned out? Or because I have depression?

Depression is a very weird thing. I think it definitely has more than one component to it. So I can’t decided if there’s maybe something wrong with me, or if I’m just an ungrateful bitch. It’s hard to tell. I am really trying to just be grateful for what I have, but it gets… so difficult for me to do when more and more things just don’t turn out in a decent manner for me.

I know most of you (if not all) are so annoyed with me at this point. “You have to be your own change!” “Things in your life are only as good as you make them!” But honestly, fuck off, okay? at this point in my life, nothing seems very worth it to me. I indulge in horrible practices, such as retail therapy and eating my feeling, and I don’t really have much more feeling to care about myself anymore.

When it comes to other people, it’s like my feeling that maybe I should pay to myself are amplified for others. I cannot bear the thought of something being upset because of something I’ve done, or could have done. I would much rather see myself suffer, than see others suffer, because in my mind, they are much more worth it than I am. For example:

> ANA HIIII > cause I ask you a huge favor pls. So I have a have my counselor meaning at 1:30 on west campus for my major and idk what time it'll end. Can you please take my iclicker for today?

This was literally just sent to me not even two minutes ago. I haven’t talked to her since the class has started. But yeah, sure, I’ll do it, where do you want to meet?

In her defense, she’s a super nice person. It’s not her fault things didn’t work out between us as friends.

God, I have such a hard time with that word, haha. Stick boy- inferno of it and I’ve made it easily 3 billion times worse. I get caught up in any boy who is decently attractive, and pays me any kind of attention at all. Hence my high school long relationship with my first boyfriend! I couldn’t break up with him for more than a week at a time, because the thought of him being sad was unbearable. Maybe Boys are another story for different day…

#journal

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