#faitesneilcalmersesnichons2k17

[nickireadstfc]

The Foxhole Court, Chapter 5 – Fun Moving Time, Fun Drama Time

In which we meet Matt, Neil’s torso makes me break out in Deadpool quotes, super-secret safes are bought to contain super-secret journals, and Kevin has a choking kink.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The Foxhole Court.

With all the shit that went down last time, we are getting a bit of a break with this chapter, meaning: Not much happens.

(I’m not complaining, though. I needed a breather.)

It’s moving time! So long, Wymack’s apartment, you and the regular motivational speeches that came with your owner being Neil’s landlord will be sorely missed.

           Neil took his [keys] and the paperwork regarding appropriate dormitory behaviour. He skimmed over it before signing all the dotted lines.

Remind me to make an extra post detailing those Appropriate Dormitory Behaviour Rules at some point when we know all the characters, their quirks etc. I am dying to write that.

           He [had] to register with the rest of the freshmen class in August. Neil wasn’t in any rush, he still didn’t know what he was supposed to declare his major as.

Oh, right. Considering they’re a college team, there’s probably actual education happening at some point. I forgot that over all the ORANGE SPORTSBALL that’s been happening.

Don’t worry though, guys, sportsball is immediately back again in form of Abby, who wants to sports-nurse it up with Neil.

However, Neil isn’t having it:

           “Shirt off.”

           Neil stared at her. “Why?”

           “I can’t check track marks through cotton, Neil.”

           “I don’t do drugs.”

           “Good on you,” Abby said. “Keep it that way. Now take it off.”

A sassy angel, what did we do to deserve her.

When Neil does take off his shirt, though, both her and I are momentarily stunned into silence, as Neil’s torso looks like actual living hell. We’re talking scars all over the place, scars in place you didn’t even know could have scars.

He looks like actual roadkill. Shit, he looks like roadkill that somehow managed to survive being roadkill, got up to walk a few steps, and then got roadkill-ed again.

Actually, not to be tactless, but just imagine I’m describing him the way Weasel is describing Deadpool’s face here, mostly because T. J. Miller is funnier than I could ever hope to be.

(Why am I worried about being tactless towards a book character. They’re fictional, Nicki.)

(Also, please tell me there’s fanart of this.)

Enough with the sad times: Matt is here!

           Nicky was almost six feet and Kevin was an inch or two taller, but this man looked halfway to seven. Part of the illusion Neil blamed on his black hair, which he’d gelled up in short spikes around his skull.

Based on that alone, please know that I’m picturing him as a taller version of American Idiot era Billie Joe Armstrong.

What a babe.

Matt seems nice enough. Glad to hear Neil is at least rooming with halfway sane people. Nothing interesting to report here. Let’s move on.

           The hill might have been a nice spot for students to picnic between classes, except someone thought to build the athletes’ dormitory on the peak. It stood four stories tall and had its own computer lab and parking lot.

Honestly, the recurring “privileged athletes getting in the way of poor regular students’ lives” trope is probably the most realistic thing about this book so far. My high school had thousands to spend on trips and equipment for the rowing and basketball teams, but our school play couldn’t get funding to print some fucking posters.

If you’re wondering whether I’m still mad about that despite having graduated over a year ago: I am.

Today’s Casually Mentioned, Yet Heart-Breakingly Sad Neil Fact is this:

           Neil hadn’t slept in a real bed since he left Seattle. He’d broken into cars to borrow backseats in California, slept on the bus to Nevada, and dozed in passenger seats while hitchhiking with truckers to Arizona. His house in Millport had been unfurnished, so he’d slept on the floor with shirts as his pillow. Wymack’s couch was the nicest thing he’d had in over a year, but now he had a bed.

I’m not crying, there’s just Angst™ in my eye.

The Angst™ continues as Neil is forced to leave his beloved duffel bag unattended as he goes to the store to pick up something to protect said beloved duffel bag, or specifically his Precious Binder, More Valuable Than Anything Else, Ever.

And just as I am about to ask what the fuck might be in that binder – The latest runaway fashion fads? Offers for special sales on hair dye? Kevin Day’s nudes? – Neil answers me ahead of time:

A full-on Runaway 101 Journal, Winchester-style. Complete with stalker details on Riko and Kevin, emergency contact numbers, money, contact lenses, money, all sorts of faked IDs and certificates, and did I mention fucktons of money.

Neil’s mum had not been fucking around, you guys.

However, Neil soon has to discover that someone (read: Kevin) has been in his things, to which of course the next logical action is to go scream at him – in French.

           “Stay out of my things,” he snapped. He wished he could take some satisfaction in the shell-shocked looks the language and his furious tone earned, but he felt nothing. “The next time one of you goes where you don’t belong I swear I’ll make you regret it.”

Mon dieu, mon cher, calme tes nichons. #faitesneilcalmersesnichons2k17

But it only gets better from here:

           “Put a leash on your pet monster or I will.”

           “A frightened child like you?”

          “Fuck you, cripple.”

          Across the room, Kevin’s face went white. “What did you call me?”

          “I called you a deadweight has-been,” Neil said.

YOU GO, JOSTEN.

           Kevin got his hands on Neil’s neck in an instant and slammed Neil up against the opposite wall. Neil dug his fingers into Kevin’s wrists, trying to loosen Kevin’s grip enough that he could breathe. He tried to knee Kevin, but Kevin crushed him against the wall with his own body.

Someone has got to have made that into a sexy fanart by now.

Choke me, da- I mean, what.

Thankfully, the other Foxes come to his rescue. Ahead of all: Dan Wilds! Much anticipated, finally here and instantly reprimanding them to leave the choking for the bedroom.

           “What do you think you’re doing? It’s our first day back. Why are we fighting already?”

           “Technically we never left,” Andrew said, “and Neil’s been here a couple weeks, so it’s your first day back, not ours.” He leaned to one side, looking past her to her roommate. “Hello, Renee. About time!“

Please please tell me Renee and Andrew are sweet goalie BFFs please.

I’m intrigued to find out more about Renee and Dan anyways, and Allison as well. This book is sorely lacking in the female characters department so far. Give me some girls in the next chapter, and give them to me now.

That’s all I have to say to that.