#fairwellnote

[drugsbestfriend-blog]

This is somewhat of an affidavit if you will.. not the best word to use, fuck it.

If i don't wake up one morning i pray to god my queen, my rock, my love J finds this. I don't want you to be sad. Nobody could ever begin to fathom the battle, struggle, painful suffering i have been the host to. The daily battle with just wanting to end it is unbearable. I'm not sure how much longer i can fight this fight. I love my j&b more than anything in the world i know i do

<b>It's hard to feel anything.</b>

<strike>I just want to die. I want to feel nothing</strike>

J, if somehow you manage to read this and im not here there's some things i need you will promise me you will do.

My final wishes;

-Give my gogeous baby girl the best life she could have.-

I know you will anyway you're a brilliant mother.

-Move on.-

Please, let belle have a man in her life. She will need it for a number of reasons. She needs the balance.

-Don't blame yourself or feel bad. -

These are my demons i don't want you to hurt, i want you to be so incredibly happy.

-Reassure my B-

Tell her everyday how much i love her. Please don't let her hate me for leaving her. Please tell her all about how much fun me and her had. Just tell her everything that you know about me. I want her to have some idea of her father.

-Apologies-

Please tell everybody close to me hoe terribly sorry i am for this cowardly act I've committed. I truly feel this is the only option. I do not want anybody to differ over this i know it will be a shock and a sad occasion but please don't let it ruin anything. Everybody are doing well and i don't want to ruin it.

-music-

Please share my attempted saviour to our angel. Not the horrible depressing shit but the artists at least.

-forgive me-

Baby, i really am sorry. I am. If i didn't do this im scared of the dark path i will selfishly lead you down. The inevitable downward spiral. It's not fair. This is an impossible battle. I can't carry on. I'm sorry about the drugs behind your back too, i know how much you hate them but if i hadn't have picked them up again i can promise you i wouldn't have seen 2018. I need you to understand this isn't anything to do with my love for my girls. I love you more than you could ever begin to imagine. This thing is tearing me apart and i just cant fight anymore. The next day is always a step away from where i need to be. It's been going too long and i need to do this.

The biggest reassurance is that i can go knowing that you are going to love and spoil our baby girl. There will be following posts when im closer to the finale one to my J another to my B.

Im sorry,

I love you.