#fair warning this is pretty different from the stuff ive posted so far

[pinballbrain]

Chapters: 1/2 Fandom: The Falcon and the Winter Soldier Rating: Mature Relationships: James “Bucky” Barnes & Sam Wilson & Helmut Zemo, James “Bucky” Barnes/Helmut Zemo, Implied Sam Wilson/Helmut Zemo Additional Tags: Time Loop, Character Study, disguised as plot, Implied/Referenced Suicide, bc time loop, Angst, Whump, Nebulous Zemo Parole Universe | Helmut Zemo Paroled from the Raft, Temporary Character Death, implied sbz

Summary:

Zemo gets stuck in a time loop. He's not happy about it

[elivanto]

Would you actually Post all or at least some fat Thrass passages because 💕 pretty pls?

anon, i won't lie, you made my day with this. fair warning, this really can't be called textual evidence or anything of the sort at all.

it's mostly just me projecting and interpreting the text badly djshjsf

(also @ fellow fatties, there's stuff in here you might find... stereotypical? or insensitive of me? i mostly just went with how i've seen fat people be described in literature, really, and the parts where i was like 'haha thrass is Kin')

spoilers for outbound flight and lesser evil under the cut!

outbound flight, chapter 11:

“Its enemies,” Thrass said, leaning on the word. “Not potential enemies. Do you hear the difference?” “Yes,” Thrawn said. “And no.” Thrass lifted a hand, let it slap against his thigh. “Let me be honest, Thrawn,” he said. “The Eighth Ruling Family is not happy with you.”

it’s the slap on the thigh for me,,

outbound flight, chapter 15:

“And this is the engine compartment,” Thrawn said, stepping aside to let Thrass look through the access hatchway into the Bargain Hunter’s engine room. “You’ll notice it has a radically differently layout from those of Chiss vessels this size.”

thrawn moving aside because thrass needs more space (ﾉ ◠ヮ◠)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

outbound flight, chapter 19:

“Then that is what we’ll face,” Thrass said firmly. “And as a syndic of the Eighth Ruling Family I cannot listen to any more of this.” He jabbed a finger at the carnage outside the viewport. “Now. Describe this battle for us.”

‘jabbing’ a finger doesn’t sound very elegant, does it? that’s how an author would describe a fat person.

lesser evil, memories ii:

Really, so what? This depth of political game was far beyond Thrass’s position or skill. The Patriarchs and Speakers and high-level syndics could play if they wanted. Not Thrass. All he was here for was to have lunch. With a friend.

look. lesser evil told us that thrass loves food and i‘m SO here for it.

lesser evil, memories iii:

If the debriefing of the Parala officers was still on schedule, Thrawn should have finished up his testimony half an hour ago. If he was still on the ground, maybe Thrass could grab his friend for a quick lunch before they both had to return to their respective duties. Mentally working out a short list of cafés near the Defense Force HQ he could offer, he pulled out his comm.

lesser evil, memories iv:

“The fleet gave me the basics,” Thrawn said. “But yes, I moved on from there. Aside from the valuable exercise involved, simulated combat also helps train the eye to notice small errors, and the mind to learn how to take advantage of them.” “Which occasionally results in free food,” Thrass said drily, waving at the platter.

lesser evil, memories iv:

[Thrass] stood up and headed quietly toward the charge register, angling across the open space as he walked to put himself between the thief and the main exit. […] The thief leapt to his feet and charged toward Thrass, clearly intent on getting past or through him and escaping out the door. Thrass braked to a stop, shifting to a poised stance that would let him move in any direction if the thief tried to dodge around him.

thrass posing as a living wall between the thief and the exit? hello??? 💖

and then—and this is really just me projecting like a moron, because i’m sure not every fat person feels like this and it’s a common phenomenon for pretty much everybody—there’s bits of the novels describing feelings of inadequacy that just really got to me, for example

outbound flight, chapter 10:

Once or twice along the way Car’das noticed Mitth’ras’safis frowning at him and Maris, as if wondering why Thrawn had brought non-Chiss along for the ride. But he never asked for an explanation, and Thrawn never offered one.

not me interpreting this not as typical Chiss Xenophobia(TM) or suspicion but as ‘wow i am uncomfortable in my body with these strange aliens around’ lmao

lesser evil, memories vi:

“Good evening, Your Venerante,” Thrass greeted the Patriarch as he hastily stood up. Thrawn, focused on his questis, didn’t seem to notice the other’s arrival. “I’m afraid we haven’t made much progress.”

like, thrass being very exact about social etiquette not only because he’s a politician, but because he’s fat and any breach of etiquette would reflect even worse on him than on other people

again memories vi:

“You planned to maneuver us into this position,” Thrass said, feeling like an idiot as he finally got it. Politics was supposed to be his strong point; he really should have figured this out himself.

lesser evil, memories viii:

“They were lugging a cargo ship with them that whole time,” Thrass pointed out, wondering why he was even arguing the point. Apparently, the low-level tension that had been nagging at him since they left Glastis 3 had suddenly blossomed to full strength now that they were actually here. “That would have slowed them down.” “I took that into account.” Thrass ground his teeth. Every single time he tried to debate something with Thrawn, he ended up on the losing side.

is anyone else always trying to make up for not fitting into societal standards re: Looks by being right about stuff and being smart and then being super pissed when they fail to do even that? because it happens to me all the damn time.

he just reads like a fat person to me so that’s what i choose to believe. ¯\_(���)_/¯ and the fact that he’s not Tall and Fit in the first official art that was released for lesser evil helps of course!!

i hope this wasn‘t a letdown, and that you enjoy these passages as much as i do 😌💙

[css1992]

Guilty Pleasure

Summary:  Peter and Beck used to be a power couple in the porn industry, but after Beck dumps him, Peter is forced to start over. With no money, no family and nowhere to go, he doesn’t have much choice other than to keep doing porn, so he joins Just4Fans to get back on his feet and then one day he gets a very generous tip from someone under the username of YKWIM. All the warnings listed on Part I apply. 

Read on AO3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V /  Part VI /  Part VII /  Part VIII / Part IX / Part X /  Part XI / Epilogue

-x-

Living with Ned and MJ was both a dream come true and a bit of a nightmare.

A dream, because when they were kids, they always talked about how they would all go the same college and live together one day, and Peter would finally have a real home – and a real family, he used to think to himself,  in secret.

A nightmare, because he couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of his friends, and that was the worst kind of feeling to have for the people who opened their arms and their home for him when he needed the most. Still, he couldn’t avoid it and he felt awful for that. They were both attending NYU; Ned was majoring in Computer Science and MJ in Journalism. All according to the plans they made in high school.

When Peter was younger, he made plans, too. He wanted to study Biochemistry, his teachers used to say he could probably get a scholarship to a good college, he was smart enough. Mr. Harrington, his science teacher, even offered to write letters of recommendation for him. Instead, Peter’s life choices led him to his current predicament: a 20 year-old porn actor, selling dirty pictures for a living, crashing on his friends’ couch, not a single dollar in his wallet.

He was definitely not getting any awards for good decision making, that was for sure.

He had been staying with Ned and MJ for a week when he was finally able to set up his Just4Fans account. He knew that had to be a temporary thing, it couldn’t last, even if he wanted it to. He wouldn’t be young forever, let alone a “pretty twink”, as his subscribers loved to call him. He had maybe three or four years left of that hype, at most, then he would be too old for that, and/or people would start getting bored of him. So he had to be smart, the plan was to save up as much as he could while he thought about what he was going to do once the fountain of youth dried up, and the clock was ticking fast.

But for the time being, porn.

Good thing he had his own Instagram account with a few thousand followers. All the other social media accounts were under Beck’s name, and those had hundreds of thousands of followers, but Peter no longer had access to them – he checked. He also checked and noticed that Beck hadn’t announced that they had split up yet, his last post dated from five days earlier, when he released their last video together – two days after kicking him out of the house, the asshole.

So Peter posted a few Instagram stories explaining to his followers that he and Beck weren’t a thing anymore – he didn’t give many details, he didn’t want any drama, specially not with Beck – and that he had set up a Just4Fans account for the time being. In minutes, his Instagram blew up. Apparently, people were either heartbroken over their breakup; relieved he “got rid of that perv!”; or devastated they wouldn’t get to see them doing porn together anymore.

He got a hundred subscribers in just a few hours, which was incredible. The subscription fee was ten dollars a month, so even after the website’s cut plus tax deduction, it still was a good start. He wondered what kind of money Beck made with their videos, because they had thousands of subscribers on their channel.

Once he got the hang of the site, he tried to post at least two sets of pictures a day – which was challenging at that moment, because the apartment was tiny and he didn’t have any outfits or toys with him, they were all at Beck’s. He made plans that as soon as he got the subscription money in around fifteen days, he would try to buy a few things and take tons of pictures to last a few weeks.  

He also made sure to answer people’s messages every single day, which often earned him a little more money in tips. It was shocking how many people were willing to tip him just because he answered them. Some other people asked for extra content, like specific pictures, videos or even voice notes, which he sent via “pay-per-view messages”.

In the end, he felt like he was prostituting himself. Again.

He would never judge a person for earning their living in any way necessary, as long as it didn’t hurt anyone, he just never thought that would be him. Never ever. As a kid, he thought he’d be an astronaut. Growing up, he wanted to be a physicist. As a teen, he made plans to study Biochemistry. And somehow he ended up selling his body online, one way or another.

He didn’t dwell on that for long, he focused on the fact that it was temporary. If he managed to retain at least some of the people that had subscribed to his account for two or three years, then he would be able to start a small business of some kind in the future. Maybe he could go back to school. Twenty-three wasn’t too old for college, right?

Right.

It was two weeks later when he got a weird message. Not a weird message, actually, a weird tip. Someone under the username of YKWIM had sent him ten thousand dollars for no reason, there was no prior conversation, nor did the person ask for anything in return. Peter was sure there must have been a mistake, maybe they had typed in some extra zeros or maybe they had sent it to the wrong person, so he decided to reach out.

“Hey. I think there must’ve been some sort of mistake with your last tip. Lol.”

He left his phone on the counter and got started on dinner. He was a terrible cook, but to be fair, they all were, so it was fine. Ned and MJ were both at work, but they would be home soon and they were having a quiet night in. Those few weeks at their place had been good for Peter, it felt nice not to be alone after what happened, but at the same time, he was starting to feel like he really needed his own space. He was already looking for an apartment to move into as soon as he got the money. He was hoping to get one in the same building or at least close by, so that they could still see each other often.

His cell phone beeped as he sliced some onions and he stopped to check.

“Hey, gorgeous. There’s been no mistake, it’s correct.” Peter was taken aback by the answer, so he checked again to see how much the person had tipped him, and sure enough, there it was. Ten thousand dollars. Ten thousand. American dollars.

“Oh. Wow, that was very, very generous of you. Is there any particular content that you’d like to see from me as a thank you? I could send you exclusive pics and videos, whatever you want.” Inwardly, he was thinking that no amount of pictures or videos from him would ever be worth ten thousand dollars. Ten thousand dollars, holy fuck.

“That would be excellent.”

“Great. What would you like to see?”

Please don’t be weird, please don’t be weird, please don’t be weird… Usually, Peter’s subscribers liked to see him in cute outfits or with cute toys, but some people liked very messed up stuff. He usually said no, but that person had just sent him ten thousand dollars. Fuck, that was so much money, it would cover rent for at least a few months.

“I’ve enjoyed everything you’ve put out so far, baby, so surprise me. I’m sure I’m gonna like whatever you send.”

God, generous and reasonable? Had Peter died and gone to porn heaven?

“You flatter me.” He typed in quickly, leaving the sauce unattended for a few seconds. “Give me a few hours to work on it, I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Take your time, but I don’t think you could disappoint me if you tried.”

Peter felt so stupid when he blushed and giggled to himself, because that was exactly how Beck lured him in when he was seventeen, with charming, easy words. He was an adult now, for Christ’s sake, and he didn’t even know who he was talking to. To be fair, it was probably a woman. For some weird reason, according to his Just4Fans statistics, a surprisingly large percentage of his subscribers were middle-aged, cisgender, heterosexual women. Peter supposed those were the ones who used to follow his “love story” with Beck – most of them hadn’t got over them yet, apparently they were “the perfect couple! So cute!”.

He couldn’t blame them, they sold them the perfect love story. And for a time, it was true. Peter really thought Beck was it for him, the love of his life, his soulmate. He didn’t know at which point it all became an act to Beck – or if maybe it had always been an act.

He sighed, shaking his head, he couldn’t afford to waste time thinking about him, so he focused on what he should send YKWIM.

As he finished making dinner, he tried to come up with ideas. They said they loved everything Peter had posted so far – he had posted thirty pictures and five short clips over the past two weeks. The pictures were all in MJ’s bedroom – she offered –, most of them in her bed. There were only a few pictures in which he was completely naked, in the others he had some sort of underwear on –  lingerie or tight briefs.

So, he decided he should do something similar, but different enough that YKWIM would feel somewhat special. He had a few good ideas, but they would have to wait for the next morning, he would need good lighting and privacy.

“Hey, nerd, what’s up,” He almost burned his fingers when he heard MJ’s voice, and realized he had spaced out for a minute there. He shook his head quickly and smiled at her.

“Nothing, how was you day?”

The next morning, once Ned went to visit his family and MJ left for work, Peter started working on the pictures. For some reason, he didn’t want to tell his friends about YKWIM, just like he didn’t want to tell them about Beck when they first met, three years earlier. And if he really was as smart as his teachers used to say, he would have seen the pattern. But as it was, he just focused on the fact that YKWIM was probably a woman living on the other side of the world, who just liked to get off to pictures of pretty boys in lingerie.

But.

For the sake of getting in the mood for the pictures, he imagined YKWIM was a guy. Not too tall, but taller than him. He imagined he had a beard, but not a full one, like Beck’s, no, perfectly trimmed, scratchy, in a good way. He’d have dark, warm eyes, not blue and cold. He’d be older, older than Beck, more mature than him. A real man. Maybe he’d have a few streaks of gray amidst his otherwise dark hair.  

He’d be gentle, despite Peter’s past. He’d treat him like he was the first one to ever touch him, even if he knew that was far from the truth. He would be careful, mindful of his pleasure. He’d start off slowly, kissing along his collarbones, fingers brushing the sensitive skin on the inside of his thighs, just shy of where Peter wanted him to touch, as his mouth traveled down his chest; hot, moist breath leaving a trail of kisses down his stomach.

He sighed. Yeah, that would do to put him in the mood.

He put on a white t-shirt that was just long enough to graze the tops of his thighs, and a simple, plain black thong. He decided to take the pictures in the shower – the classic wet, white t-shirt, he couldn’t really go wrong with that. He positioned the camera on top of the bathroom sink, set the timer, and started posing.

First, he rested his back against the wall, one hand pulling the t-shirt down to cover the front his underwear, eyes staring directly at the camera lens as water ran down his face, neck and chest, making his nipples stiffen, becoming visible under the wet shirt.  

Next, he pressed his chest to the wall, looking at the camera from over his shoulder, lips parted, just a peek of his exposed ass cheeks showing where the t-shirt ended, but by then it was so wet it was mostly see-through.

Then he turned so his side was facing the camera and stuck his head directly under the stream of water, running his hands through his hair, back arched obscenely, eyes closed. He let his hands travel all the way down his neck, chest, and stomach, hearing the familiar “click” as the camera took several pictures.

He turned around again, placed his hands on the wall and lifted his t-shirt just over his lower back, sticking his ass out, showing off his provocative underwear.

He got out of the shower and turned the camera into filming mode, then got back under the water and also shot a short clip of he sensually and slowly taking the thong off, but in a way that the viewer couldn’t really see the skin that was revealed. He pulled the wet t-shirt down so it covered everything, but by then it was so see-through that it left nothing to the imagination. Peter twirled a little, then threw an innocent, shy smile at the camera.

That should do it.

He finished his shower, put the wet clothes in the washer, then went to edit the pictures. He didn’t do much, just adjusted the light and contrast, then cut them into squares, because he though it looked classier or whatever. He chuckled to himself at the absurdity of that thought, as he attached the photos and the video to a direct message to YKWIM.

“Hey, gorgeous! Hopefully these won’t disappoint. Let me know if you’d like something different.”

He cringed re-reading the message, he thought he sounded desperate and insecure about himself and he supposed that wasn’t very attractive, so he decided to change it just a little.

“Hey, gorgeous! Hopefully these won’t disappoint.” And he finished off with a hot face emoji, because why not.

He sent the message and went on with his day. Ned and MJ were both back for lunch and since none of them felt like cooking – and they all sucked at it anyway –, they ordered something to eat in front of the TV, as they binge-watched the first seasons of The Office.

“Oh, hey, Pete, I almost forgot, I talked to our landlord earlier and he said there’s an apartment on the fifth floor that should be vacated by the end of the month, if you’re interested,” Ned told him around a mouthful of pizza and Peter’s head snapped up.

“I’m definitely interested!”

“Cool, I’ll talk to him for you, I’m sure I can get you a good deal on rent.” He winked, and Peter smiled, feeling hopeful.

Things were getting better. Slowly, yes, but they were. He was spending time with his friends – who he had neglected for the past two years–; he had a good amount of money to withdraw in the next few days, that could get him going for a while; he was still doing porn, yes, but at least he was in control of the whole thing, including his own body, which was nice; and he only cried for Beck every other night instead of every single night, so he had that going for him.

All in all, things were looking up.

Ned and MJ convinced him to go out for a bit in the afternoon, they said he had been cooped up in the apartment for three weeks and should breathe in some fresh air, and since it was the first somewhat warm day of March, they decided to go jog at Central Park in the afternoon. They didn’t really jog, but they walked around some and Peter must admit that it felt good to stretch his legs and feel the sun on his skin for a change.

They were lying on the grass, resting for a bit, when they saw a blur of red and gold fly overhead. People started cheering and clapping and Peter smiled when MJ groaned, because he knew exactly what she was going to say.

“How can people cheer for that guy, he’s an egocentric, misogynistic, elitist, disgusting asshole.”  He laughed to himself, because he knew what came next.

“He’s a genius, he changed the world multiple times and he even saved it at least twice. I think he’s pretty cool,” Ned argued without any heat and Peter could hear MJ rolling her eyes.

Peter didn’t love or hate Tony Stark or Iron Man, like most people, he just – didn’t pay him any mind. Sure, when he was a kid, he was obsessed with him, he was New York’s first superhero after  Captain America, who was still in the ice when Stark announced he was Iron Man. But as he grew older, he had other concerns in mind other than who was the coolest Avenger, so he kind of forgot they existed, except for when there was some crazy alien threat looming over New York City – which was, like, a biannual thing since they found out aliens existed back in 2012.

The fact that Iron Man was flying over Central Park on a Saturday afternoon was a little alarming though. From what Peter knew, Stark was mostly retired since around 2016, he only ever “avenged” when there was a big threat, like the near-end-of-the-world they had back in 2018.

“Do you think we’re under attack?” Peter asked and Ned shook his head calmly.

“Nah, I think he must be late for something. I read an interview recently and he said he uses the suit sometimes when he needs to get some place fast.”

Seemed like overkill, but who was Peter to judge, he would probably do the same if had a suit like that.

They spent the rest of the afternoon in the park and then headed home for the night. MJ turned in early, she said she was beat from a busy week, and Peter and Ned stayed up until a little later, re-watching Star Wars movies. It was close to 2AM when Ned said his goodnight and Peter went to check his Just4Fans, because he hadn’t answered any messages all day long.

There were quite a few, but he did notice there was one missing. YKWIM hadn’t answered him yet and Peter immediately felt like a failure. They probably hated the pictures, they must have thought “ugh, ten thousand dollars for that?”. Peter should have photoshopped them. He could have made himself look at least a little bit better, if only–

Before he could hate on himself too much, YKWIM messaged him, like they could read minds. Peter quickly opened their chat, still a little worried about their reaction to the pictures.

“Damn, baby! You have no fucking idea what those did to me. Fuck! Can I show you? Please?”

Peter was oddly relieved to read that, and was endeared by the fact that they actually asked before sending a dick pic. Or a clit pic? Was that a thing?

“Of course, gorgeous, I’d love to see it.”

Within seconds, they sent a video in the chat. Peter was a little surprised by that, but pressed play anyway, and almost fell off the couch when he did.

It was a thirteen seconds video. He could see the man’s midriff, all the way down to the tops of his thighs. His belly was toned and spattered with dark hair that led down to perfectly trimmed pubes that framed the most beautiful cock Peter had ever seen. There was no other way to put it.

It was long and thick, but not so much so that it would hurt – Peter knew better –, it stood proudly between his thighs, attached to a heavy set of balls that made his mouth water. He was jacking it mercilessly, Peter could only hear him grunting quietly before his balls recoiled and he came, covering his stomach in thick, pearly white come. Peter whimpered, pressing down on his hard-on, and almost cried when the video was over.

“Fuck, daddy, that was so fucking hot.” It was probably the first time ever that he actually meant that answering a DM from a subscriber.

“That was the third time today, baby, I have been thinking about those pics from the minute you sent them. Spent the whole day with blue balls, even after coming twice.”

Fuck.

“Wish I could have helped you with that.”

“Who knows, honey, maybe someday.”

Yeah, Peter thought, biting his pillow on the couch so he wouldn’t be heard when he came embarrassingly hard in his pajamas pants, face burning with shame. Maybe someday.

[creativityobsessed]

Be Brave Adachi, or the musical shaping of episodes 1-4

Part 1: Episode 1

Ok folks, buckle up. @ohmypreciousgirl asked me for more music meta and I need exactly ZERO arm twisting for that to happen, so I immediately put on my listening ears and musicologist hat and started my eleventy first rewatch. Since I’m currently only through episode 4 on this rewatch, and I have a page and a half of notes, I’m gonna put in a Read More so that I don’t take up the next 5 miles of the tags. You might be interested if:

You like music

You’re interested in detailed analysis of character development

You’re wondering why the heck those scenes where Adachi is having all the anxiety are so dang effective.

The answer, of course, is that the music helps to shape the exact moments that Adachi makes steps towards character growth. Under the cut, you’ll find out exactly how it’s doing that.

This will be a 4-part series, running over the next 4 days because I got halfway through episode 3 and realized that yall did NOT want a 10 page paper in a single tumblr post. Plus then I can extend the series to include the rest of the episodes later.

So. Without further ado.

Episode 1  (If you’d like to watch/listen along, cue up 19:45 in episode 1* now.) 

At the beginning of the show, we’re introduced to Adachi, the shy, introverted, anxious klutz. He tells us lots of things about himself, most of which include some reference to either his lack of bravery or his self-esteem which is currently so low that it seems to be floating somewhere in the Marianas Trench. Aside from the opening scene with the bike (which many of us, myself included, have hypothesized comes from some kind of future) the music is mostly laid-back, a little jazzy, and repetitive. Adachi’s office scenes come with a walking bass/guitar line that never really finds a melody, and reminds me of nothing more than generic 90s/early 2000s slice-of-life “this is every day” music. His Adachi-at-home music is gently strummed guitar, slow and kind of lethargic, mirroring the way Adachi just floats through life. The main exception is Adachi’s monologue on Kurosawa, which is fast paced, march-like, and jaunty - a reflection of how Adachi sees Kurosawa before the events of the show.

And then, at the end of the episode, that changes, and we get something new for the first time. Adachi is processing the new revelation that Kurosawa actually does like him, and he has just finished telling himself that Kurosawa must have gone crazy to like someone like him. There has been no musical accompaniment since they were in the office together. Kurosawa wraps the scarf around Adachi’s neck and Adachi hears Kurosawa’s inner monologue, cataloging the things he likes about Adachi.

This speech is obviously a turning point for Adachi, but we can be more specific than that. For Kurosawa’s first couple of points, we’re still in silence, and Adachi is looking down. We can imagine that he’s doing his own mental list that starts something like “yeah but…” But after the line “He’s actually an extremely kind and nice guy,” Adachi looks up at Kurosawa, and finally, after two whole minutes of silence in the soundtrack, a new kind of cue comes in.

This new cue is the antithesis of the rest of the soundtrack. It’s fully acoustic (with a little bit of reverb) and played on the piano, an instrument that the composer has not yet used. What’s more, the fragment that the piano repeats is completely unstable. We have no idea what key we’re in (yet. Spoiler, it’ll be A-major, eventually). [warning: technical stuff starts here, if you don’t care about specifics, jump to the /endTechnical tag] It starts with a first inversion D-major chord (in later iterations, IV^6) that attempts to resolve to G-D-A which is NOT a chord, or rather, it could be any number of chords but without a 3rd somewhere in there we don’t know which it is.

Ok, ok, so, resolution failed. Let’s try again! D-major^6 and then instead of going down to D, the A goes up a M3 to C-sharp, making G-E-C-sharp - WHOOPS that’s a tritone, less resolution than the first time. To be fair, the tritone is pretty far apart, and there’s an E floating around in the middle, so it doesn’t feel as teeth grinding-ly gross as your average Danse Macabre, but it SURE AS HELL doesn’t feel resolved either. [/endTechnical]

And we go back and forth between these two VERY unresolved phrases. It’s like we’re (read: Adachi is) stuck asking new questions that he doesn’t have any answers for. It’s unsettling and we spend almost 30 seconds just sitting there feeling unresolved, trying again and again in different octaves, with slightly different notes in the (almost inaudible) string parts-- nothing works. Adachi is not ready to move beyond the questions themselves, so the music doesn’t either, ending on a high unresolved note with Kurosawa’s “Wait.”^

And that’s IT. No resolution. The next musical cue is after enough dead space that our metaphorical ear palate has been cleansed (which is good, cause we jump from quasi-A major to a sequential figure with at least FOUR FLATS - about as distant a key as you can get). To get resolution for the Questioning cue, we’re going to have to wait.

And wait and wait, because that’s it for tonight yall! Episode 2 coming tomorrow!

Continue to part 2

[Although, real quick, before we move on to Episode 2, I just wanna mention that I love that Adachi’s fears about Kurosawa’s crush are scored with a very speedy bebop style cue while Kurosawa’s actual fantasies might as well be a Bach Oratorio COMPLETE WITH METRONOME, because if you needed to shorthand “antithesis” musically I’m not sure I could think of a better way of doing it, short of using screamo metal and Hildegard von Bingen lol.]

*All video timings and quotes are from Irozuku Subs videos. If you’re watching somewhere else, your mileage may vary slightly.

^As an English speaker I love the parallelism in how American English speakers use a rising tone to indicate questions, but I don’t know enough about Japanese to know if that transfers.

[queenmylovely]

Wedding Party II

Summary: Ben hardy x fem!reader. A game night between friends will surely take off the tension from whatever’s going on with you and Ben. 

Word Count: 3.4k

Warnings: cussing, building tension, charades 

A/N: This is the third and final (multiple) part(s) of my 500 follower celebration!! Thank you so much again to everyone who follows me, including the people that have since I hit 500, cause it’s been a minute, whoops. I was planning three parts for this, but I got into the charades so we’re looking at four instead! (p.s. if you want to try to guess the charade movies before the characters do that’s how I tried to write it lol) Any feedback is super appreciated but especially replies, messages, and asks are super helpful for my writing ‘cause I get to hear what you think!

Part I, Part III, Part IV, Mini i, Mini ii, Masterlist

(yet again wonderful gif by @mrbenhardys) 

💖💖💖

Ben couldn’t believe how close he had come to kissing you the other night. He had diverted it last second by kissing your cheek, but even that teetered too far over the line of what was supposed to happen. If fucking someone at Rami’s wedding wasn’t allowed, then developing a full-on crush wasn’t either. But boy was he.

Even though you were the one that had mentioned hearing about him when the two of you first met, he was surprised to see that all of the references to you by his friends hadn’t failed to live up. In fact, he would probably say that what they said didn’t do you justice. Though he wouldn’t advertise it, he had also done a quick instagram stalk and thought you were even more beautiful in person.

Rami hadn’t slipped up like Lucy and mentioned your name specifically when telling him not to sleep with anyone at the wedding, but even so, Ben found all of his focus on you when it came to that rule. Whether it was because you had known of but never met each other for so long or simply because of who you were, you fascinated him.

Which he knew was dangerous in this particular situation. But he reminded himself that he would only have to see you at the rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception. He thought that maybe after that something more could develop, but until then he would have to stay on track.

_

But when Ben got out of the car to head into Rami and Lucy’s building and held the door open for someone behind him, his whole plan was ruined when that person was you.

“Oh, hi!” you said cheerily and he said hi back; you were trying to mask the mixture of excitement and dread you were feeling. Excitement at seeing Ben and spending time with him and dread at seeing Ben and spending time with him.

The two of you walked across the lobby and to the elevator. Ben pushed the button and you waited together. He had the same internal dilemma going on but he just smiled and said, “I can assume you’re going to game night too then?”

“That’s a safe assumption. Haven’t seen you at one of these before,” you pointed out, trying to make casual conversation. The elevator dinged and you both got on, Ben again hitting the button for the correct floor.

“Yeah, my last film had a lot of night scenes and stuff so I was always busy. But that’s in post and my next one will be mainly day shoots so I’ll be able to come to more of these,” Ben explained as the elevator doors opened and the two of you walked into the hallway.

“We’ll be seeing a lot of each other then,” you commented during the short walk to their front door. You reached up and knocked twice.

“Yep.”

Then at the same time, the two of you sighed. Your heads whipped towards each other in confusion and you were both about to say something in response or question when the door opened.

“Ben! Y/N! You made it, and look at you arriving together, already practicing for the wedding, huh?” was Joe’s excited greeting when he opened the door.

“Hey mate, good to see you,” Ben told Joe, giving him a hug.

“Hey Joe,” you said with a smile as you hugged him. Then you teased, “Did Lucy and Rami hire you as their butler or do you just really enjoy opening doors?”

Ben laughed at what you said even though he didn’t have the full context and you felt your cheeks heat up.

As the three of you walked into the apartment Joe just barked out a laugh and told you, “You’re hilarious.”

You smiled at him, “I try.”

Once you reached the living room, you saw both Rami and Lucy there, setting up the snacks. Gwilym was there as well, but he was pouring a couple glasses of wine. They all put down what they were holding and came over to do the usual greetings and such. Apparently, it was only to be you six because some of the other regulars had other obligations.

After everyone had a little plate of snacks and a glass of red or white, Rami began his usual little spiel at the beginning of game nights, “Alright everyone, welcome to game night. We will be playing team games, so partner up now.”

“Dibs on Gwil,” Joe called out, looking directly at you with a smirk. If only he knew how good he had really gotten you.

You shot back, “That’s fine by me. I’m sure Ben will be a great teammate.”

All the same, Ben shot Joe a quick look that he didn’t understand and you shot Lucy a quick this-wasn’t-my-fault look that she accepted with a nod.

Rami continued, “Great, we have three games lined up, but we can play as many times as we like. Lastly, remember that this is strictly a friendly competition, so no sore losers when Lucy and I beat all of you,”

“Oh it’s on,” Joe replied. Then he and Rami got into a little trash-talk.

Ben laughed and turned to you, “Are you competitive?”

“Well… I suppose that’s something one could say about me,” you said with a sheepish smile.

“I hope I’m not too big of a disappointment then, I’m not the best at these types of things,” Ben said with a slightly awkward smile.

“I’m sure you’ll be great,” you said, placing your hand on his shoulder. “Anyway I’m not nearly as competitive as them.”

You nodded towards Rami and Joe who were jokingly getting in each other’s faces, unable to hold back their own laughter. Ben and you burst into laughter, joining Gwil and Lucy’s at the sight. It took you a second longer to realize that your hand was still on Ben’s shoulder. You only did because Ben had looked at it and you removed it before it became so awkward you had to leave.  

Luckily, Rami and Joe were done with their shenanigans and everyone was ready to start the first game. It turned out to be charades and little slips of paper were quickly divided between the three groups.

Rami and Lucy went first and both were ridiculously quick at guessing each other’s answers. You supposed it came with living together and such as well as being actors.

Then Gwil and Joe were up and they didn’t fare quite as well. For some reason, Joe was being far too elaborate with his acting and would mime putting on a swimsuit, putting on sunscreen, swimming, and then being chased by something just to get Jaws. Gwil was good at the charade as soon as he actually started, but he seemed to overthink every word before he started.

Finally, it was you and Ben. You went first, saying before you started, “Sorry I’m literally the only non-actor here.”

Ben waved you off with a laugh. Then Lucy flipped the timer over and you quickly opened the first slip. It said Jurassic Park and you breathed a quick sigh of relief. Then you pointed at Joe, put your hand to the height of a little kid and did T-Rex arms.

“Jurassic Park!” Ben exclaimed and though Joe said something about that not being fair, you moved on.

Next you mimed taking a ring off and holding it up to your eyes, staring at it intensely.

“Lord of the Rings, next!”

The next one was harder, but you got going. First, you pretended to be eating toast and coffee. Second, you did some characters: one with crossed arms and a frown, one flexing muscles, one reading a book and pushing up glasses, one flipping their hair and giggling, and one pulling their hair and shaking their head.

“Okay, okay, eating and drinking, a meal? Breakfast? Breakfast. And these are different people? I don’t know that first one. Then a jock? A nerd? A pretty girl? Oh, oh! The Breakfast Club!” Ben shouted, looking proud of himself for getting it and you couldn’t help but smile before moving onto the next one.

You ended up getting five before time ran out, just one less than Lucy had on her turn. Now it was Ben’s turn to do the charading and you were ready to be the one guessing.

As you switched spots, Ben whispered to you with a smile, “Good job.”

Trying not to show your happiness at his little praise, you just nodded and returned a whisper of, “Thanks.”

Ben got ready, doing a little jog in place warmup as a joke and you probably laughed harder than necessary. Then Lucy counted down from three and flipped over the timer.

As Ben picked up the first slip, you leaned forward to pay attention.

With a nod, Ben started his first charade. He mimed someone in the shower and for a quick second you pictured what he would look like in the shower. But once you said shower, he moved to the next part, getting out of the “shower” and then whipping back the curtain and pumping his from near his head to in front of him again and again. Then you realized that he was pretending to stab someone.

“Psycho!” you yelled and Ben grinned.

After picking up the next slip the first thing Ben did was scrunch up his face in a snarl, crouching down to all fours and making a hand into a claw, stalking closer to you. You felt a weird mixture of apprehensiveness and something else as he got closer and had to remind yourself this was a clue.

Ben was only about a foot away from your legs before you blurted out, “Cat, uh, lion, tiger!”

Tiger was the one so Ben stood up and then mimed rowing a boat. You thought for a second before quickly stating, “Life of Pi.”

Two more slips later, you were only two away from a tie with Lucy and Rami and you had about thirty seconds on the clock.

Ben snatched up another slip and read it, a frown taking over his face for a second. Then he recovered and started miming drumming. Next he did guitar and keyboards then singing.

“Drums. Ok, guitar, keyboards, oh a band!” you said and Ben nodded before moving on.

Next he started dancing, which you could hardly stop from laughing at, but just because it was cute. He was doing lots of 70’s moves like the hustle, YMCA, John Travolta’s move from Saturday Night Fever, and others you didn’t know the name for.

“The hustle. Um, YMCA? The Village People? Disco?” you said as you tried to stifle your giggles.

Ben nodded quickly and then motioned to keep going.

“Um… a disco… band?” you questioned and got another carry on gesture from Ben. “ABBA?”

After a thumbs up, Ben mimed the sign for movies and then singing and it came to you and you jumped up, “Mamma Mia!”

“Yes!” Ben exclaimed right as Lucy called out time. He came over to you by the couch and brought you into a tight hug that almost lifted you off the ground and you laughed out loud in surprise.

Lucy cleared her throat and you and Ben let each other go quickly, turning to look at her. She just raised an eyebrow and smirked, “You know you two didn’t actually get enough to tie me and Rami.”

“Good thing it was just a friendly competition,” you pointed out with an equally fraught with meaning smile.

“And we have two more games to try and beat you guys,” Ben pointed out, with a regular smile.

“Actually, I think you mean that you have two more games to lose to us,” Joe cut in, breaking all the tension and making everyone laugh good-naturedly.

_

The night went on and in the end Rami and Lucy did win because while they lost to you and Ben in trivia, they beat everyone during taboo. Poor Gwil and Joe didn’t win anything, though they claimed that was because they were out of practice.

Once the games were done, music was turned on and everyone got to chatting. You were talking with Joe and Rami about New York and the other three were talking about their upcoming projects more in depth.

Then you realized your drink was running low and excused yourself to go refill it. What you didn’t see as you were walking over to where the wine was was Ben jumping up and excusing himself to do the same.

Just as you were reaching to grab a bottle, you heard him say, “Allow me.”

You turned to realize he was standing just a step behind you and you slowly placed the bottle in his outstretched hand. Then he reached around you to set down his glass and grab yours and you sucked in a breath at the feeling of him just barely brushing against you.

Ben started pouring the wine and as he was doing so, looked up at you with a hint of a smirk on his face.

You realized you were probably just staring at him with your mouth open so you fixed your face and said, “So is this becoming a thing? Are you always going to make my drinks for me?”

Ben laughed lightly and handed your glass back to you. As he picked up his glass, his arm grazed your waist and you had to physically take a step back so you wouldn’t take one forward and kiss him.

Then you heard loud laughter coming from the couches and you both looked to see Rami sitting on Lucy’s lap, both of them laughing so hard they could barely breathe. You smiled at the joy and Ben looked at you with a smile.

“They’re so in love,” he commented and you nodded, a dreamy look in your eyes.

“I’m so excited for the wedding. It’ll be beautiful,” you replied. “I’ve been to a lot of weddings and not everyone’s meant for it but they are.”

“Really?” Ben asked.

“Yeah, some of them are more in it for the wedding than the actual marriage you know?” Ben nodded. “Luce and Rami want a special day, but it’s more important to them who’s there than what it looks like.”

“I had a mate from primary who must’ve had over 300 people at his wedding. I didn’t even get to talk to him and we had been best mates when we were young, so they’re definitely doing the right thing with quality over quantity too,” Ben told you.

“Wow, yeah. I guess along the same lines I can see what Lucy means. But it was a little much to tell me we couldn’t--” you stopped yourself right before revealing that you weren’t allowed to sleep with Ben to Ben. You hoped that Ben didn’t notice your abrupt stop, but he did, his brows furrowing.

“We couldn’t…?” he asked, his thoughts flashing to his conversation with Rami.

“I just-- we, like, the guests, couldn’t-- well shouldn’t-- or it’d be better to--”

“Hey Y/N, who was it from our class that got married recently with that wild theme wedding?” Lucy called over to you, and you quickly took it as a chance to get out of this conversation with Ben.

So you turned to Lucy and as you spoke, and slowly walked over to where they were, leaving Ben to either stay where he was alone or join everyone else in the conversation, “It was Amanda. And the theme was that elf… village? From Lord of the Rings, the one where Cate Blanchett lived.”

“Lothlórien,” Gwil informed everyone.

“Sure. Some of it went over my head, but it was pretty,” you commented. By that time, Ben had taken a seat next to you, his thigh touching yours. The conversation turned into a debate about theme weddings but it was hard to stay fully focused with Ben’s warmth interrupting your thoughts. Those damn thighs aren’t fair, you complained to yourself.

_

This time, you were the first to get up to leave since you had brunch with a friend the next morning.

“Are you good to drive?” Lucy asked since you had had three glasses of wine.

“Oh, I took an uber here, so I was just going to take another one back,” you answered.

“This late at night?” she asked, a worried look on her face.

“Well I always kinda take ubers this late…” you mumbled.

“You know what? I have something tomorrow too, I can take you home. I’ve only had a glass and a half,” Ben suggested, holding up his half full glass as proof.

“Oh, you don’t have--” you started but were interrupted.

“Per-fect!” Lucy said with a smile and you resigned yourself to accepting the ride.

You and Ben gathered your things and then said your goodbyes, getting hugs and kisses from all, especially Lucy who was four glasses in and a little tipsy.

Then you and Ben walked out of the apartment, following the same path you had taken together only a couple hours ago. You chatted about this and that but you were more focused on how your hands would brush against each other every fifth step or so than the conversation.

That is until Ben said, “So you’ve never used my number.”

You weren’t expecting that so you coughed in surprise before answering, “Well, I texted you saying it was me so you had mine too.”

“Well… okay,” Ben said a little sheepishly.

“Okay,” you responded before pulling out your phone. You went to your Instagram dms and found a meme that you thought he would like and sent it to him. “There you go, I used it.”

Ben took out his phone when he got the notification and opened it, laughing when he saw what it was, “Oh my gosh, this is so cute. You know I have a dog.”

“You do?” you asked, getting excited.

“Yeah her name’s Frankie. Here,” he replied, going to his home screen where you could see a picture of just about the cutest beagle you’ve ever seen.

“Oh my goodness, she’s adorable. Ugh I love her,” you said, going a little goo-goo at the sight of the dog. It helped that owning a dog was always an item on your pro list for guys.

“She’s the best. Oh, here we are,” Ben said, gesturing to his car.

The two of you got in, but before he turned on the engine Ben said, “Here, watch this video of her.”

Ben leaned over the console to show you and you met him halfway, both of you turning your eyes down to the phone to watch Frankie running around what you would assume is Ben’s apartment, fresh from a bath. You and Ben laughed at her antics and when she jumped up on the couch and wiggled around on her back, Ben’s groan in the video and groan in real life synched up and you lost it.

Ben couldn’t help but laugh too, but he said, “Hey, that left a stain, that’s a suede couch.”

That just made you laugh harder and soon both you and Ben were leaning on each other for support as you tried to catch your breath. As your laughter finally died down, you looked up at Ben, whose face was only a few inches from yours and as a couple more giggles passed your lips, you couldn’t help but steal a glance at Ben’s. You looked back at his eyes and caught him doing the same, biting your lip in anticipation. Both of you leaned a little closer, a little closer, until you were so close you could feel Ben’s breath on your lips.

Then your phone’s ringtone went off, louder than reasonable and you both jumped in surprise. You picked it up again and saw that it was Lucy calling.

“Yes, Lucy?” you answered with a bit of a sigh, your rational mind returning and reminding you that you weren’t supposed to kiss Ben.

“I forgot to tell you to text me when you get home!” she practically yelled and you held the phone away from your ear. You could hear Rami shushing her on the other end.

“Okay, I will, don’t worry, Luce,” you reassured her before saying a quick goodbye and hanging up.

Ben had turned on the engine and was starting to pull out of the parking space.

“She just wanted me to let her know when I get home,” you explained.

“Yeah I heard,” Ben said with a laugh. “Just, uh, tell me where to go.”

“Oh yeah,” you replied, remembering that he was taking you to your house and not back to his.

💖💖💖

Permanent taglist: @riseetothesun @caborhapch @drowseoftaylor @queenlover05 @johndeaconshands @supersonicfreddie

Series taglist: @killer-queen-87 @theprettyandthereckless @radiob-l-a-hblah @theonsasheart @hannafuckingsucks​

If you would like to be added to the taglist for this little series or my permanent one, just send me a message or ask!

[vegetacide]

Whump●tober - Secret injuries

Veg-notables: This went in a direction I did not expect it to go.. As I woke up this morning inspiration hit me up the back of the head and I ended up rewriting the whole thing from a different perspective than I had intended. Scrapped over 1100 words as Kayo burst in the front door and demanded I write her instead of Scott and V… She can be rather scary and demanding.. 

Thanks  @gumnut-logic for dealing with me filling your inbox through I know this is not what I originally sent you last night and well.. I am expecting various hard candies to be lobbed my way.. 

Obligatory whumptober stuff: @whumptober2019 @la-vie-en-whump

Blanket warning: Hospital room conversations, a little medical jargon and some emotional turmoil.  

Characters: Kayo, Scott and a sleeping V.. yes he is out cold but only sleeping this time. 

Whumptober - TaG’verse

Previous posts can be found HERE.

24.Secret Injuries

Enjoy…

oOo

When Kayo returned sometime later the room was quiet again, the only sound that of heart monitor and the ambient noise from the hallway through the door at her back.  The shuffling of feet,  the squeak of wonky wheel on an IV pole as it was pushed by,  the laugh of a nurse.  

Despite the lightening of the mood,  the lessening of the dread that  pulled the family down there was still a lick of something hanging like a fine gossamer shroud over everything.  An inkling of apprehension that tickled up the back of her neck and had her checking blind spots and exits out of habit.

Drawing in a deep breath to calm her nerves,  Kayo crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back against the thick wood paneling of the rooms only egress.  Taking in the now familiar space and its two occupants with a critical eye.

A top-notch ICU room with all the bells and whistles that money could buy.  Temperature controlled,  recessed linear circadian optic lighting,  drone docks hidden away behind remotely accessed ceiling panels,  an alphabet worth of med scanners and monitor,   heated gels filled bio-bed with anti-grav capabilities, the works.  Helped that the family had made several large anonymous donations over the years.

If the donations had been anything but anonymous Kayo was pretty sure there would be a wing with the Tracy name on it but the Tracy’s weren’t the type to  flaunt their charitable endeavors.  Stroking egos was the last thing on their minds, their only goal was to save lives in anyway they could so they used their money.  Considering they had enough to buy a small country several times over,  the hospital had benefited greatly from their generosity. 

Now the Tracy’s were benefiting for their own kindness and they had a fleet of some of the world’s top Doctors to go along with it which she was eternally grateful for.    

Virgil; the man whom she had come inexplicable entangled with, was asleep again.  Propped up amongst bleach white pillows and snoring softly. Her eyes instinctively watched his chest, counter the length of the rise and fall of his chest, the  tightness in her own loosening as the information in her head computed back as safe, alive, still with her. Thank God. 

She noted randomly that the bed had been adjusted, most likely in an attempt to alleviate the discomfiture he had been experience since rousing from his coma, that he was trying and failing miserably at hide from her.  She was well acquainted with his penchant to spare those around him from worry but really,  after everything that had happened?.. Men. 

Shaking her head at her other half, she turned her attention to Scott.    

He sat hunched over close by, eyes distant as he stared off at the middle distance in deep thought.  Elbows braced on his knees,  hands rubbing worriedly between his thighs as if trying to wipe something off them. 

Kayo narrowed in on the movement,  her mind conjuring up scenarios and only dark things came to mind as the bruised knuckles finally registered. She’d missed that in the drama of her world coming unhinged at the seams.  

She pushed away from the door,  stepped further into the room and Scott’s eyes finally shifted to her.  No surprise on his expression at seeing her there.  He hadn’t acknowledged her upon entry but he’d known she was there. 

“The blockers are helping enough.”  His voice though soft, was heavy with emotion but Kayo didn’t comment on it. 

“I know.”  She replied coming up the end of the bed and resting her hand on one of Virgil’s covered feet. A physical act of reassurance she couldn’t explain but viscerally needed.  

“His speech..” He started and couldn’t seem to finish.

“I know,  Doctor’s said there could be some neurological damage from the cerebral edema. He has no idea he is slurring or muddling up some of his words but it’s gotten better since he woke up.  Swelling is still going down.”

Scott’s head bobbed up and down once.  “Nurse came by.” 

“I ran into her just outside,  she filled me in.  The neurologist will be by in a bit, she’s just getting out of surgery..”  Kayo stopped, unsure if she should continue or not.  Scott wasn’t doing so well and she didn’t want to burden him more.  He already blamed himself for GlobalMax. 

She needn’t had hesitated though, Scott already knew.  

“They keep checking his pupil response every time they come in.”  

Kayo closed her eyes, a despondent weight settling over her. The news she had secretly been dreading, fears that she had been right about voiced and confirmed by Scott with his concerned words.

“Did he say anything to you?” She asked, knowing that if Virgil hadn't told her about his sight the chances were slim that he would have mentioned it to Scott. 

“Not a peep but I suspected as much.  The Doctors did warn us.”  Scott looked down, rubbed once more at his battered fists, flicked his glance at the growing  medi-chart that hung off the end of the bed.  

Kayo watched Scott worry away at his hands,  his apprehension tightening his shoulders, distorting his usually impeccable posture.  “Have you put any ice on those?” She queried, shock spearing through his eyes as they shot up to hers.  

She leaned on the bed by Virgil’s feet,  hands in her lap playing with loose thread of her sweater.  “He might not be able to see the damage, Scott but I certainly can.”  She waited a beat,  “So can the others, mind you they won’t ask but they’re worried  about you and so am I.” 

Something flashed in his eyes at that, something she hadn’t seen in a long time as his vibrant blue gaze jetted up to hers and skittered away again.

Her own pulse kicked at the look but it was an instant only.  Something that would never be followed through on or explored.  It was from a childish youth years before she knew the truth of her adult self.  The strength of her feelings for the sleeping man quietly snoring at her back.  His leg resting against her spine, residual heat from his fading fever radiating through her clothing and warming her skin. 

Had she known then what she did now, that wellspring of youthful emotion would have fizzled to non-existence but that was the journey of life.  To experience its highs and it lows, and to see how far one could go in either direction without breaking or succumbing.  She'd found her peak, the pinnacle of her high and it was interwoven intricately with the mind behind loving, steady, sable brown eyes.  

Scott's athletic shoulders shrugged, not as wide as his brothers but just as able in a rescue. They carried many a burden, had sagged slightly under pressure but held firm time and again to whatever life threw at them.  This time though she wasn't too sure as doubt glossed over their resilience, maybe this time it would be too much. 

"You really should get them tended." She was well versed in the pain he was most likely experiencing having had her fair share of tussles over the years.  Some she'd won, some she'd lost but the pain in one's hands was always the same.  Bone deep and achy.  

"I will..just…". His attention turned to Virgil. Scott hadn't left his side since his return from wherever he had disappeared to but Kayo had her suspicions.  The haunted look in his eyes told her plenty.  

"Scott," Kayo put a hand in his jumping knee, the one she was sure he hadn't been aware danced up and down when he was overly tired and distraught. It stopped its mad jitter, his piercing blue turned back to her. "When was the last time you slept?" 

He'd comforted her during her time of need, now it was her turn to do the same in whatever small way he would allow.  She knew it was hard for him to admit needing it, a task usually delegated to Virgil to suss out but he wasn’t up to it and it would be sometime before he would be. 

"I'm doing okay, Tin". A childhood name, one seldom used and a testament to Scott’s current troubled mind.  

"No, you're not." 

His eyes shifted to the hand still on his knee and she lifted it, tucked it into the crook of her arm as she folded them again across her chest.  

“I have to be.” For his family, for the commander he was forced to be in the absence of their Father.

"Grandma was asking after you, maybe you should go and see her. She’s gotten antsy since the Doctor’s veto’ed her access to force her to rest.” Kayo tipped her head towards the door. “I wont leave him.”  

“She made you come in here to get me, didn’t she?”  He knew the woman well.

Kayo’s lips perked,  “You know Grandma,  always looking after her boys.”  She stood, offered Scott a hand.   “It was either me or TI security and a tranq’ gun. I figured I was the better option.”, 

Scott snorted, “You figured right since I could fire them all.” He took her hand,  groaned as she dragged him up to his feet.  

He stood in front of her a moment, close and she caught a whiff of his aftershave so different from Virgil’s but so Scott.  An awkward beat and she stepped back swinging out her arm to gesture towards the door dramatically.  “After you.” 

A slight uptick of a smile,  a flash of dimples before a quick glance over to his supine sibling. “You’re right.” He said as he stepped past her, long legs eating up the short distance. 

He stopped at the door,  back to her still. “Kayo…?”

“Yes?”  Her fingers combing through Virgil’s hair, brushing the tangled mess back from his pale brow.  

“..nevermind..”  and Scott was gone, the door swinging shut quietly in his wake. 

Not all injuries were visible but they hurt all the same.  

oOo

Next post can be found HERE

The Master List of prompts can be found HERE

[kinktae]

kinktae? i think you meant the sweetest & loveliest person ever 🥺💞💓

Anonymous said: rose deserves all the love and more rt if you agree 🤠

(warning: oodles of precious and dear anons under the cut)

yooniversus said: i faqing luv u (hehe get it) 💕💕💕🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕🥺💕❤️💫💕💫💜💕💜💕💜💕💕💜💕💜💜💜💜 ok soddy i was just bored 

Anonymous said: i dont usually interact with fic writers but ur work is out of this world!!!!! the way you write dialogue makes it seem casual and natural flowing like how you would talk to a friend :)) connecting to the main character has never been a challenge for me, but with your writing its like i am the character instead of just some reader. i hope that you never stop writing as long as it brings you joy, and that this message makes you smile (even just a lil' bit) luv u!!

worldclasscassy said: i am so geeked over ur writing 🥰🥺

Anonymous said: uwu punch me daddy

Anonymous said: ur deada$$ one of the best writers on here, i don’t make the rules sis 🙈

into1995 said: heelo! sending all my love! 🥰 you have such a beautiful soul, please take care! we are here for you always. 💕

dejayoon said: take your time lovey! you deserve a break💜

Anonymous said: imagine waking up every day knowing ur rose...PHEW!! wish i could be that lucky 😪😪

lovesic-eunoia said: hey, sweetie. i know your anxiety has been making you feel like crAP and i'm here to tell you that it really does get better❤️, there's always gonna things that make you wanna quit trying to get better, but don't give up. anxiety doesn't rule your life, you do. i wish you the best through all of the ups and downs. you're a precious piece of life. much love ❤️❤️

Anonymous said: I love you

Anonymous said: saw u on my dash and my heart went lub dub

Anonymous said: I hope you take some time to yourself and enjoy hiatus! We love you!

evilkookie said: Your health is way more important than anything!! I wish only good and positive things for you and you feel better, take as long as you need for your Hiatus 💝💝

Anonymous said: I dont know if I'm late but take care of yourself bby! Health always comes first and I hope you'll be enjoying your time outside of tumblr! Will miss you but love you so much bby! -Bunny

miss-peys said: Hope all is well! I myself had to take a step back from school because my mental health was terrible! Hope everything is going okay in your personal life! Can’t wait for you to come back to tumblr, but please come back when YOU feel ready not because others want you to come back! Sending positive vibes your way! Can’t wait for you come back💜💜💜💜

Anonymous said: Rose my darling dearest I just wanted to let you know I’m thinking of you and I hope you’re doing well 💜💫☁️

Anonymous said: hi jared ilu xoxoxo

Anonymous said: I love u and I hope ur taking care of yourself and staying hydrated!!

googie-kook said: How are you doing lovely? Miss you loads and hope you’re feeling better! Love from London! 🇬🇧 💓💓💓💓💓

Anonymous said: hi bby! im just coming in to tell you i love you! and you are loved!! and i hope youre taking good care of yourself and doing all those good things to keep yourself happy and healthy!! and im super excited for your spooky fic soon! sending you nothing but the best !!!❤❤❤

Anonymous said: i’m really happy that you’re taking a mental break from social media(tumblr). i had to do that a couple days ago and it really helps. anyways hope you get better and you take time to heal yourself. i love youuuuu🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

Anonymous said: Ur meat is huge, keep going.

Anonymous said: how are you being doing rose? hope you're well

hyzzzan said: I'm glad you're still here 🥰💜

Anonymous said: You are so good and such a cute human bean oof (are we still saying ‘oof’?) it’s really frustrating cause I can’t make u feel the intensity with which I mean it. You are so so so so good, your stories just hit different. Like next level shit. Your characters, stories, yo skills I swear if only I was half as good as you are at writing maybe I would be able to make u feel the intensity of my feelings.. I hope writing these masterpieces brings you as much joy as reading them does to me💕💕

Anonymous said: Your stories are soooo good! I am in love with them.

Anonymous said: I MISSED YOU. seeing the "hiatus" taken off your blog just made me so happy. I hope you're good 🖤 happy Halloween 🦇

Anonymous said: I'm rereading all your fics and I keep falling in love with your writing. Thank you for quality content. Also, I hope you're doing good!

Anonymous said: Hi love! I'm so so sooooooo happy you're back! Hope you had a great break and noe you're feeling better. But take your time with writing, exams come first. I still can't wait to read your new stuff tho! (On a side note, we already talked in private but I'm still shy, sorry) ♥️♥️

Anonymous said: Hi omg are you back?? I missed you 🥺

Anonymous said: rose ur writing is insanely good and whenever im having a ton of anxiety i read ur writing to calm me down so tysm for being the best ever

lorengarcia-yut

said: You're BACK! I'm so happy you're back! I really hope you are feeling good and happy. Just wanted to send you a lil welcome back message with a little love

monohoed said: Hey, hope you been feeling better? I love everything you’ve written so far and just wanted to let you know! I’ve struggled w mental health myself and I empathise ♥️♥️

sydney--chan said: I fr think I might die when you post a fic again like no cap ive missed you and your writing so mUCH🥺🥺🥺

Anonymous said: so heyyy idk how to say it buttt ily~~ ★☆~

Anonymous said: hihi rose ilu sm and i hope ur doing well, pls take care of urself bb 🥺🥺💜

Anonymous said: .........you are like so beautiful

Anonymous said: HEY IM WUV U AND I HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!! 💕💕 I love all your work and I hope the best for you!!!

Anonymous said: ummm ma’am??? you are so beautiful and I am so gay??????

Anonymous said: I followed you on twitter and you are pretty, funny, kind, and creative. Biggest friend crush uwu

Anonymous said: Omg you should be a model. You're so gorgeous, I'm jealous. If I ever met you in real life, my self-esteem will go down. But I love you too much girl 💕

mazeyoongi said: i haven't had much time or interest in reading fics lately because i am so busy between work & college, but every time you post a new story i HAVE to read it. no natter how busy i am or what is going on, i always read your new fics. they are ALWAYS so so so amazing and you manage to keep my interest from beginning to end no matter who or what it may be based on. thank you for giving us such wonderful work. you're amazing! 💓

Anonymous said: You're so pretty I- TAKE MY HEART PLIS I MIGHT JUST MAKE A TWITTER ACCOUNT FOR YOU 🥺🥺😩😩 -Bunny

Anonymous said: wtf the twitter video, jeezus you are freaking stunning

Anonymous said: you‘re so pretty lemme suck your dick, it‘s only fair

Anonymous said: low key your facial structure is like perfect?? i'm kinda jealous?? luv u b

charlie-hatsune said: JUST FOLLOWED YOUR TWITTER AND YOU'RE SUPER PRETTY!!!

dazedaurora said: okay but like how tf is everyone around here so pretty?! you're an absolute doll 💖

i-want-to-bite-your-head-off said: I haven't been on here in a WHILE but hi hope you're doing well and ily uwu

sapphireprinces5 said: Hello!! I just wanted you to know I really love all (and I mean ALL) of your stories. I really want to be a better reader for all of you amazing writers who share their art with us. With so many authors leaving, I really want to do my part better! So, you will definitely see more from me when you update!! Excited to see what you have in store for us ❤️

Anonymous said: Omg hi lovely!!! I just wanted to tell u that you are a precious human being and I hope u know that

ktgguk said: uwu I hope you had a lovely day, don’t forget to drink plenty of water 🧸💗 keep being amazing at what you do!!!

Anonymous said: You’re so consistent through your work and everything you write is a phenomenal masterpiece! I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how do you manage to always get such a high word count per chapter. That probably sounds so dumb and I’m sorry if this wastes your time.

Anonymous said: I LOVE U SO MUCH THANK U FOR ALL UR HARD WORK IN UR WRITING AAHHHHHHH!!!!!!

justaregularcrazyfangirl said: So, hm... It's not an ask but i just read what you said about my little review and i just wanted to say that you managed to make me blush 😆 (urgh i'm not used to do this and it shows !) Anyways, i'm happy you found my review interesting 💜 I hope you have a nice day ~ "You nice, keep going" ! (And that's my cue to go and hide somewhere !)

Anonymous said: you're an amazing writer!!!

Anonymous said: pls rose u deserve ALL the love in this universe

Anonymous said: Ma’am!! We are your friends!!! That post was SO CUTE!!! Love U!! My heart is full of love and appreciation for your cute self

Anonymous said: I love you

Anonymous said: i love your stories for one, always have ever since I found you 🥺 you give me most of my inspiration to write and let my creativity flow but it’s so dang hard actually putting the words I want on the pAGE BENDK

Anonymous said: Do you ever read your own fics and be like "Damnnn I'm good"

Anonymous said: Oh are you sick 😥 Get well soon 💜

Anonymous said: Omg you speak French too?!! Is there anything you can’t do?!?! You’re such a smart girl 😭🤧💕

Anonymous said: I think you’re really cool and I wish I could be your friend. ❤️

Anonymous said: 💜💜💜 Hey love, idk if you've already deleted the app or it'll get barried in the inevitable avalanche of asks you're about to receive but I hope you can feel the love I'm sending your way nonetheless. You're my favorite writer and there's so question, i'll be here when you get back. Take as much time as you need and I'm very proud of you for taking the necessary steps to get better. That alone takes strength. I wish you the best of luck. -🌻

Anonymous said: Life is a pendulum between your fics and your ficsrec

Anonymous said: just wanted to slide in here to say i dont really like smutty stories, but damn yours be hittin different and im obsessed, so thank u for sharing ur work with us 🥰🥰

Anonymous said: hi! i’m a reader of your work and well, I completely understand where you’re coming from. exactly. 100%. so you take your time and love yourself like you know you deserve to. I support you!

bugznot said: whenever you decide to come back we’ll be ready with open arms. remember you are powerful but you can only take so much. breaks are necessary and important and i hope you are kind to yourself in this time

Anonymous said: Leaving this message for when you’ll come back: I hope you finally start to love yourself back, you take chances cause you believe in yourself and your abilities, you leap blindly because you have faith in yourself and you know where you stand. I hope you have learnt to love yourself, to demand more of others and you for yourself, because you are worth it. I hope you come back, rejuvenated and free of all those schemes that bring you down. Love you 💕

Anonymous said: Saw your most recent post and wanted to say that I hope you feel better soon. I understand how tough it is when it feels like you’re living a lie, but not to minimize your experience, I’m sure it’ll pass and you’ll feel more comfortable with yourself. We all love you here and are patiently awaiting your return. If you celebrate it, happy holidays! Hopefully it won’t be stressful for you and you get some time to relax! 💕

Anonymous said: take as much time as you need & don’t feel like you HAVE to write just because there are people waiting for updates. your real life & health always comes first but pls know that we’ll be here for you & only want the best for you. We’ll be patiently waiting for you & understand your struggles (or at least I do 🙃). pls keep your friends around you, stay in good surroundings with positive vibes & take care of yourself (& your dog aw). sending all the love to you!!!

peachishiz said: Hey Rose my love Dw u don’t gotta answer just popping in to say I love u so much and I hope ur doing good and stuff 🌸💕

Anonymous said: hi bby, i just wanted to say that i can’t truly say ik what you’re going through, bc every circumstance is different, but i really relate to you & what you’re going through. i teared up a bit bc i’ve had the similar thoughts & feelings (and i still do) but i think being open & vulnerable about it is the first step (& hardest) so i just wanna day i’m proud of you 🥺 i wish i let you know more how much i love and appreciate your fics, but i hope the time you take for yourself is healing 💜 Luv -⭐️

Anonymous said: Hope no matter where you go or what you'll do, you'll be happy with it. Lots of love and best of luck ❤️❤️❤️

Anonymous said: dude honestly , taking that step to take care of yourself makes me extremely proud and i dont even know like that. When i first moved to Miami i think i felt similar to how you do , i held a lot of resentment for myself and the life i led and its a sentiment i dont wish on the worst of my enemies. Im sorry you feel that way , but you know you have the strength to pull yourself out of your slump , and that's quite the feat on its own. Good luck and i hope happiness finds you soon. - A.L.Á

Anonymous said: heeeeey, I hope you take lots of care during ur hiatus. Stay hydrated, eat some tasty food, make yourself a priority, reach out for help when you need to, and life is like a minecraft house, sometimes it gets burned down, sometimes it gets attacked but in the end you always have the opportunity to rebuild something new, that makes you happy and satisfied. u rock, u r wonderful and amazing, ily

Anonymous said: Hi! Just wanted to say that your writing is brilliant. It’s okay to be going through a tough time. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you need a break and taking one. The year is almost over: it’s the perfect time for a lifestyle change or a new beginning. Do what you need to do. We’ll still be here. Love you!

Anonymous said: You’re doing great sweetie! Keep going ♥️♥️

Anonymous said: im not sure if you still have the app or not or if you'll ever see this but i love you 💓 & i know idk you but to see you taking steps toward loving yourself is so beautiful ! im still on that journey myself 🤷🏽‍♀️ & it gets hard but you gave me some newfound energy just now. good luck !

Anonymous said: I am so proud of you. You’re so brave for accepting the fact that you are not okay, and doing something to turn that around. Now you’re walking the path towards betterment. I won’t wish for you to not fall back into that hole, but that when you do, I hope you come out faster and stronger every time. You made my life a thousand times better through your works, I hope through this hiatus, you’ll be able to do that for yourself. I am rooting for you ❤️

sydney--chan said: Hi babie🥺 please take all the time you need for yourself. I am proud of you for taking a step back and realizing you needed change. You are very strong and I cant wait for you to come back better than ever:)

Anonymous said: Ah, baby! Just the fact that you opened up and came with this decision shows that deep inside you care for yourself and you are also really brave. YOU ARE inspirational, your friends aren't lying. So many of us can't stop being stagnant and that's ok too. But you, you are doing so much and you are handling this better than you see it yourself. You are mature enough to see that things are wrong and that you deserve to heal. Everything that's wrong is going to pass. (1/?)

Anonymous said: And the cloudy days are going to be gone. I believe in you and I hope you believe in yourself as well. Treat yourself like you would treat one of the boys, for ex (I know it sounds silly but... lol). Imagine if they were feeling down and if they made mistakes. Wouldn't you forgive them? Make them see that it is ok? Wouldn't you want to cuddle and take care of them? Treat yourself like that, please. Treat yourself like you deserve to be taken care of, because you do. (2/?)

Anonymous said: Try to date yourself, you know. Take yourself on a date, buy you something nice when you can, try not to tell yourself things you wouldn't tell other person (cuz I know you are the kindest to people). And it is ok if somedays you can't handle things the best way, but you're just human and it is okay. Allow yourself to be imperfect. We are all trying hard in this life and we are all making mistakes. I am proud of you for trying. Keep trying to be better for yourself. You are precious and (3/4)

Anonymous said: I hope everything gets better for you as soon as possible. We are cheering you up, also while you're on hiatus. Come back whenever you feel like it and don't feel pressured to please others. YOU are the one who matters here and you're amazing af. We are going miss this bright star that you are but be patient with yourself and take your time. Please, seek a professional and take care of your health. You are lovely and loved. Everything goes, my love ♥♥♥♥ (4/4)

Anonymous said: I love you so damn much❤️

Anonymous said: I'm proud if you, I get that this was a hard decision to take, and you still did it. So, I'm proud of you. You finally understood that you are the n. priority, so please treat yourself like it. Even if you'll be gone for the whole year, I'm still super happy ti hear this. You deserve this, as you said yourself, you deserve the world. I'm sorry to hear that you're not doing good, but I know that you can make it better. Please, remember that you're not on your own: ask for help if you need it. Ily

lorengarcia-yut said: I just read your post and I just want let you know that we support you! Your health comes first, please take all the time you need. I feel for you, cause in a way I understand. Please take of your self! May God bless your life cause it’s gonna get better. Keep going, don’t ever give up, and please keep pushing. You deserve better than what you’re going through. Bless your heart ❤️

Anonymous said: 🌹 I don’t know if you will see this but I completely understand what you are going through. I have depression and social anxiety, and it’s so hard for me to get out of bed in the morning to go to school in a city where I don’t know anyone. I just want you to know that I will always support you and I hope that this time away will help to clear your mind of some negativity and bring you into a new year with hopefully brighter days 💜✨☀️

minigalixies said: i hope you come back feeling better, love ♡ so proud of you making the decision to put YOU first !! it’s a hard, but VERY important, decision that i hope benefits you sO MUCH !! i look forward to seeing your new posts when you feel better mentally + physically !! ♥️

Anonymous said: I hope this break provides you with everything you need. I hope life in general gets easier for you, you deserve it my love. Your mental health is way more important than providing us with content. Please take care of yourself, we'll be here for you if/when you decide to come back. I love you.

Anonymous said: hello im here to state a fact: your writing is perfect

moonchild-love-letter said: Hi, how are you? I hope you're okay. Actually, I hope you're better than okay, I hope you've been eating well, sleeping well, and spending your days chasing your bliss. Your writing is a piece of art, whenever I finish a chapter I always feel so happy and blessed to have found your blog. I hope that happiness returns to you ten folds. I hope your days are filled with love. Thank you for sharing your work. Thank you.

Anonymous said: BABY ROSE YOURE BACK!!!!! I’m ready to spend my 2020 supporting your 10/10 writing and you on your life journey. GONNA SMOTHER YOU WITH KINDNESS AND LOVE 🥰🥰

Anonymous said: i admire u so much for being confident enough to put ur mental health first. school causes me so much stress and anxiety and makes me slip back into my depression so fast. i look up to u so much. im glad ur doing what makes u happy. 🥺

Anonymous said: HAPPY NEW YEAR BBY 💙💙 YOU WERE LITERALLY THE FIRST FEW BLOGS I FOLLOWED AND YOU GOT ME INT HE FEELS SO MANY TIMES AND YOUR THEMES ARE AMAZING AND YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU YOU SMOL BBY -Bunny

tinievmin said: Okay so you’re my internet older sister now!!! Wow this is so cute 🥺🥺 Take care of your health, eat well, drink water, sleep, and be kind to yourself this year!!! Sending u love!!

Anonymous said: U ARE A BABY 😩😩😩😩😩😩

Anonymous said: WT FFFFFFF ROSE HAPPY NEW YEAR 🌟 u are backkkkk i miss u little bby 🤧💕

Anonymous said: While they say that army’s are toxic, i think I’ve never found so many people sharing one common interest with such an awareness and consciousness about complex concepts like loving yourself. I like to think that BTS deconstructed the cliché of “love yourself” into something more complex and difficult that u would pursue in life bravely, even through struggles, and not just a quote u find on aesthetic pillows. And I think you’re doing just that too with your stories and your journey. thank you💕

Anonymous said: hello! i'm a returning bts writer and so glad to see find you on here still!! i remember reading one of your earliest fics i love you

Anonymous said: You’re so talented!!

Anonymous said: hello miss rose how are you today? I thought id just come over to say hi and i love you so much you beautiful human being. I hope you and your little fur babies are doing well!💜💜💜💜

Anonymous said: hey, idk if you'll even see this, but i just wanted to say i'm in love with all of your fics. i don't even have a tumblr account, i just come to your page from google to read your stuff and see if you're doing well😳 i could say more but that robot verification keeps running out, so hope 2020 treats you well and you're an amazing writer!

pocketfullofsuga said: hey I checked who im following and it said you are one of my favorite tumblrs I mean they aint wrong though bby

Anonymous said: JUST WANTED TO SAY ILYILYILY AND I HOPE THAT THE NEW DECADE IS TREATING YOU WELL EVEN THO WE ONLY FOUR DAYS IN. ILY, STAY HEALTHY, LOVE YOURSELF. k bye 🥺🤍🕊🥰

[iamcinema]

IAC Reviews #012: Traces of Death (1993)

Warning: Traces of Death is NSFW/NSFL and this review will go into topics about graphic violence, death media, and other issues that might be upsetting to some readers/viewers. However, this review won’t contain any such imagrey and is marked as safe. If you do want to check it out, then proceed with caution and take the opening [EXTREME WARNING] as your notice if you should leave or not. ________________________________________

In a recent post I made, I mentioned being stumped on what to do next since, as of writing this, I have close to 330 titles on my list to explore and cross off from a wide range of styles and categories; from relatively obscure found footage movies to the most utterly disappointing and abysmal trash that SOV has to offer. Given the explicit or just completely rare nature of some of these, I don’t expect all of these to stay around long. So, it’s probably wise to start from there and branch out to titles that are more accessible to come across in the wild. This means we’re taking another trip back to the world of mondo death media, which I don’t think we’ll be seeing for a while after this one - or at least I can only hope so.

Today, we’re taking a look into one of the most notorious shockumentary films out there, that being the first Traces of Death film; a brutal start in a five part series that marked a turning point within the already niche and controversial subgenre with the birth of the Internet and the dawning of the new millenium.

With the opening, we’re met with a text crawl notice stating that the makers planned on having a series of beeps before the start of the most explicit clips to act as a warning for viewers to look away in the event they see something they’d rather not have. However, this changed and the tones were omitted altogether because this would have meant having tones and beeps before every sequence. That’s a weird flex, but okay. The cold opening also tells us that because of the shocking nature of the film (and soon to be series) containing 100% authentic footage, this would make it the first “true” shockumentary.

I mean...

Yeah, I guess, you aren’t exactly wrong. It’s more authentic than Faces of Death by a landslide for sure and other questionable films around the same time like True Gore. That's something I won’t argue Damon Fox or Darrin Ramage on. However, to call it the first “true” shockumentary is a stretch because Death Scenes came out four years prior to this in 1989, and those photos were authentic. However, if we’re talking about just non-stop death media and imagrey one after the other, then that’s still a really questionable hot take.

It’s been a damn long time since I’ve seen this 13 some odd years ago, so let’s see where this takes us yet again. And yes, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop when the mods decide that me talking about this is not safe for work and it inevitably gets shadowbanned. ________________________________________

Traces of Death in One Gif:

I probably should have saved this gif for when I reviewed Extreme Life & Death, but even now I don’t know if I’m impressed by it or not. But, even here I’m not too sure how I completely feel.

As I said in before, there’s a saying that once you’ve seen one shockumentary, then you’ve seen all of them with their rinse, lather, repeat method of punching you back-to-back with random acts of violence caught on film. Just like its decrepit brothers and sisters before it, this is no different, even if it likes to beat it’s chest about being the new alpha of the pack to lead us into the next generation of shocking content. So, what is it about Traces of Death that has made it have the lasting impact or brutish reputation that it has if everything is at the end of the day “all the same”.

Well, let’s go into that. ________________________________________

The disclaimer and marketing for it helped for sure, solidifying everything that made some people feel cheated by Faces of Death with - that being the authenticity factor.

At this moment in time, Faces of Death IV had come out barely three years ago and the series was taking a bit of a nosedive with what was being pushed out. While there was still a fair amount of authentic footage, there was still a pitiful amount of staged and recreated material that looked very amaturish compared to the series’ hayday back in the late 1970s. It was clear what the gorehounds wanted and it was not only more death, but truly real death that could only be matched by the more obscure shockumentaries that either had yet to come out; like Death File, Death Press, Banned! in America, and MDPOPE, or had been spoken of in whispers and have faded into obscurity to the point of becoming rare and non-existent to the sands of time.

With the Internet being in its young infancy, you now had the power to be connected to others across the world in an instant and the need to seek out the taboo and forbidden was much closer to your fingertips than ever before. This new, booming demand to see and experience death wouldn’t truly be met until the birth of Rotten.com in 1996, oddly enough with the departure of Faces of Death the same year - a sort of sad way of the old days dying with a whimper, rather than the bang it had such high expectations for. If you weren’t able to find the raw carnage you anticipated with the Internet, then you had Traces of Death to curb your appetite until you could - no matter what the topic was.

For me, shockumentaries have at least two schools of thought with their presentation; a narrative style where everything is presented in an organized manner to designate different chapters, such as plane crashes, autopsies, animal death, and so on, or it’s more chaotic and disorganized in nature and you get hit left to right with whatever they can find. Traces of Death follows the more chaotic line of thinking. While it does make an attempt at some kind to figure out what it wants to do, a lot of it jumps around from one subject matter to the next, so you never really know what’s going to happen next. It’s pretty easy to go from a trucking accident one moment to a graphic surgery the next, if that makes sense.

This, in question, is where I sort of have a conflicting problem with whether or not this is the first “true” shockumentary or not. _______________________________________

As I stated previously, there have been other shockumentaries before this one that hone in on death in all its various forms, and is just as authentic as Traces of Death with the media presented. Once again, Death Scenes comes to mind. If the qualifications for it to be a true shockumentary is having an emphasis on death and dying, this helps Death Scenes and it’s case of being the one of, if not the first, genuinely true shockumentary with 100% unaltered media. So, what lead to Traces of Death taking the crown instead is purely anyone’s guess. I’d assume it was because of the in-name connection to Faces of Death and sheer bizarre access they had to so much footage with little to no money tied to the budget, which IMDb says was estimated to be $18 (at least $32.13USD as of March 2020 with an inflation rate of 2.5%).

That’s still absolute chump change compared to the unused news footage the Faces of Death team had access to back in the day, particularly with smuggled footage from overseas that wouldn’t really be seen anywhere else until other shockumentaries like Executions and the Banned! films would be unleashed. Speaking of which, what can we expect with this one in particular? Just like with the films before it, you can expect to see much of the same; graphic animal cruelty, animal attacks, road and sporting accidents, plane crashes, crime scene photos, autopsies, and surgery footage. The Wikipedia page for the series goes into greater detail about other sequences that been traced to other mondo films like True Gore and Ultime grida dalla savana, which makes one of the final sequences showing the death of tourist Pit Dernitz all the more interesting, as there’s been conflicting information about whether or not it was staged. While there’s sources out there that say it was authentic, if it turned out that this was in fake, then it completely damages the film’s reputation of being 100% real.

One thing the series does deviate from, at least as far as this one goes, is the narration as a storytelling tool. While we do get quips here and there from our edgy narrator, Damon Fox, it doesn’t completely guide us in the same manner as Faces of Death, Death Scenes, Executions, and many others would. The scenes mostly speak for themselves, something which Extreme Life & Death couldn’t make up it’s mind on given how it used a copy-and-paste method with stringing stuff along. This may have been to the series’ advantage though, as Damon said later on in an interview that he was told viewers hated the narration and accompanying instrumental soundtrack, and would just watch the movie(s) on mute while blasting their brutal death metal albums. This, in turn, lead to the series taking a big change with Traces of Death II (1994), as the soundtrack switched to showcase and promote metal and grindcore artists - and bands could have wrote in to have their own music featured if they wanted. This lead to artists like Gorefest, Macabre, End of Green, Grave, Dreadful Shadows, Hypocrasy, Meshuggah, and Sinister to be added to the impressive disography list for something with next to no budget, forever helping to change the voice of the series to help it stand out among the big dogs of its ilk. ________________________________________ 

If I had to name something that seriously hurts this, it’s that some scenes drag out for way too long and the shock and horror behind what’s in front of you begins to lose it’s luster after a while. In one way, it’s definetly tied into the saying where once you’ve seen say, one cranial examination, you’ve seen them all. In another, it’s also becoming somewhat unfazed after lingering on a certain image a bit too long - even if it’s bleak beyond words.  One scene in particular goes on for over ten minutes, and while it’s heavy for sure, it does subside a bit after some time...unless that’s just more telling about what kind of person I am. If you’re particuarly sensitive to gruesome content and it makes you uncomfortable, then this will have an entirely different affect on you. However, if you’re like me and you’ve seen, for example, a lot of medical and crime related violence, this won’t exactly be uncharted waters for you. It’s interesting to note though that Japan had a different edit of the film, removing some sequence and adding their own - but the more finer details on what kind of adjustments they made with photo or video evidence is alien to me.

There’s also the issue of the narration, which I feel detracts from the material and can feel annoying and cringy in the same ways that Faces of Gore does with the tasteless jokes and edgelord humor. When I re-examined this, I absolutely get why some viewers tuned out whenever any form of narration came up, since it didn’t do much of anything to push things along from a storytelling standpoint like Faces of Death did. I would have done the same thing as well, and it almost felt unnessary with how sparse it was in general because in the scenes where some form of backstory could have helped make sense of what was going on, nothing happened. It’s nothing particularly special, so whether or not you choose to press mute is up to you since you won’t be missing much if you don’t really care for such pressing matters. ________________________________________ So, what’s there left to say about Traces of Death, at least as far as the first one goes?

Well, I feel like I need to give credit where it’s due in that it was one of the earliest entries in the shockumentary/mondo/exploitation genre to do what it set out to accomplish fairly well. It’s bite was as strong as it’s bark when it came to wanting to stand out in a sea of death and destruction in an era full of pretenders and cash-ins, which this technically is, no doubt. I’m also thoroughly impressed by what it was able to do for an actual shoestring budget that likely helped to pave the way for Banned! from Television and mixtapes like Fist Pig and MDPOPE for being a bizarre collection of violence, sadism, and hardcore NSFW material that could only be found in the grimiest corners of the web or someone’s crawlspace. It’s an impressive collection, I’ll give it that much.

But, when you strip all that away and you take it all at face value, does it hold up? Ehh...sort of, at least to me.

The quality isn’t too great in some areas, but given that this had next to no budget, I shouldn’t expect miracles with scans and film stock transfers. When it comes to being held to the ranks of it’s elder siblings, I feel that it showed what it can do and that it has the staying power that it has. If it didn’t, I don’t think it would have had earned the same amount of controversy it did over the years, going as far as to get banned from Australian Customs and being rejected by the BBFC in 2005 where it still sits today in March 2020 alongside other films like Mikey, Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, Hate Crime, Murder-Set-Pieces, and Bumfights to name a few.

If you’re new to death related media, this one might be a tough pill to swallow, and all the more jarring and annoying with the narration. If you choose to embark on this one, you won’t really be missing much at all if you choose to mute it and add your own music and go off the Wikipedia descriptions to keep up with what’s going on. However, if death related media is your cup of tea and you think this is a total waste of time, then you also won’t be missing much of anything either. I’m pretty sure the vast majority of these sequences can be found online if you look hard enough, even if it means cycling through other shockumentaries and mondo films that this sampled from or sample from this.

At the end of the day, it’s almost all the same, right?

RATING: 4.9/10

[larissaloki]

Larissaloki homelife rants

Ok this is a major rant to get things off my chest and f have trigger warnings for suicide and depression and such things, dont read. Ps this post i an absolute mess of a rant.

Ok so I’m only 2fucking4, and i am already wanting life to just bloody end. Literally life is killing me. Not to be a whiny millennial but life is fucking difficult for any singular person to get by. Everything in governments are pretty much based (at least it seems in the uk) on relying on a good network of people around you.

I have a loose network of people and none i can depend on financially. I mean this as nicely as possible and ill explain why. My best friend that help me is dealing with trying to find her own way in life and save money and i working nearly all the time to get by. All grandparents are either working full time still at their age or medically unable to help out.

When i was childless i had an ok life but i was still with mum unable to save up to move out. At least not by myself. But i had plans for uni out of my home county. Courses that require me to not be pregnant.

I fell pregnant as contraception failed me. The guy i was with didn’t want kids but I’m against abortions unless needed. I was medically healthy and at the time i had lots of support from my mum so I made the decision to keep. I managed to get a fairly good job that worked around my lifestyle and my mums hours and was coping great.

Then things slowly fell apart. My mum kept changing hours to the point i was unable to have a stable baby sitter for when i needed to work. The other grandparent works full time and so would be unable to help. So i regretfully had to resign from work to stay home.

Now a lot of people see to think people on benefits live great lives and have lots of money. No we don’t.

Bills still need paying. They rack up while your waiting for said benefits to go through. I already suffer anxiety and depression and this just really set me off. Ive only been on benefits for 1 year and a half but i can already see the difference in spending. When i first started i could spend 30 out of my 60 I get a week for minimum amount of food and the rest for bus fair for appointments or to get around as i had a child in a buggy. The rest went on bills and replacing things that seemed to keep breaking and my rapidly growing child (i got a further 70 from another benefit a week which wa used on the stuff i just mentioned) i never had extra one so Christmas was a far off dream and pretty much sucked. I never felt so bad as unable to get anything great for my kid other than a few small items or cheap stuff or had my mum help me with.

Over the course of my time on benefits I’ve ended up spending more on food weekly as food prices (often nearer to 60-70 a week now) or bus fair rises (3;50 to being 4 pounds). My benefits don’t. From before where i had no extra money to begin with I’m nowhving to try and rebudget.

Over the course of the year my laptop broke that i use to battle depression by writing and job searching. My phone has broken and at the moment I’m burrowing old models from my best friend. I own literally nothing. Yet these things are required to be able to function in everyday society. I cant use library much as it requires bus fair to get to each day if i wanted to go and. Can’t go in each day anyway with a child that refuses to stay still. My son is energetic and even at 3 doesn’t sleep through the night. Wakes up 5;30 each morning at the moment.

As it is I’m sat at home each day every day wondering how the fuck am. Going to adjust next week money to pay so so bill?! Im already spending nearly 15 on jut electric alone at the moment. 12 for tv license, 40 for water and 10 for gas and finally 20 for council tax. Take in what i earn above plus adding once a month I get 80 which. Use for my water bill and bus fair each month.

All this is before i even get to my actual tv packages which are basic and my phone contract to be able to keep on the net and contact with family members that all live outside of my county.

If I didn’t have my son right now i honestly would have given up on life. I’m just tired of just fuckng going hungry to make sure my kid if healthy and happy. My body has pretty much gone into survival mode where every bit of food i do eat is stored in me making me actually gain weight even though i eat like a mouse!

I’m fucking tired of government trying to make it worse by cutting back certain benefit and yet giving themselves wages that rival footballers.

My son i what keeps me going his cheeky smiles and love and innocence gives me life to keep on. My bet friend also deserves thanks as without her support despite her own struggles and buying me food every now and again i would not be driven to do certain projects or would of had complete meltdowns. Bless zach’s other grandma that helps us as well when she can an buy’s us food occasionally.

Don’t take those that help you for granted. Cherish those that offer a hand despite everything else.

[bxxpbxxprichie]

Amorphous (Bichie) (2/?)

Summary : Modern AU. YouTuber!Richie. YouTuber!Bill. Richie Tozier fucked up big time. After a drunken night of having fun, his name is being slandered this way and that. However, and angel appears to sweep the Trashmouth off his feet. Bill Denbrough loves making speed arts of his favorite people on YouTube, and just so happens to be a huge fan of one Richie Tozier.

Pairings : Eventual Bichie

Warnings : Some cussing, cute shit? Nothing really bad in this one

AN : This fic is meant for those over the age of 18. If you are under the age, please turn back now. I will not be keeping a tag list for this one, because I’m not going to tag anyone underaged. This will be full of smut, so be fair warned. Keep in mind that all of the characters are 21+ at this time. The characters in no way have any relation to the child actors that have portrayed them. IT does not belong to me, however if it had I would’ve changed a lot of things in the book.

Chapter 1 | 2

Chapter 2

Word Count: 1969

Should he message him first? What the hell would he even say? Should he say hi? Should he tell him he loves his music? Should he just wait for Richie to message him?

That seemed like a better idea.

If Richie wanted to message him he would.

Bill nodded to himself, and went back to his speed draw, feeling a bit silly because now he would have to edit that whole blank part out, and who knows how long he had been sitting there. His cheeks were flushing, but it wasn’t like anyone was there to see him.

“Bill, c’mon dude, wake up.”

“R-richie?”

“Not likely.”

The deadpanned voice brought him from his dreams, and Bill sat up from his desk. He stretched his long limbs out as far as they would reach, a soft yawn reaching his lips as he looked up at one of his room mates.

“What’s up?” Bill finally asked, standing from his desk. His back was stiff. He’d fallen asleep while working on a paper for class, and it was obvious he should probably get in bed.

“I’m getting you up for class. It’s time to go, man. Brush your teeth, put on some clothes. Mike is waiting in the car, so hurry.”

Stan’s words jolted through him, and he looked at the clock. A groan crawled up his throat and he moved to the bathroom to make himself presentable for the day. Within fifteen minutes, Bill was dressed, his hair was fixed, and his mouth minty fresh. He slung his bag over his shoulder and grabbed his long board before heading out of the apartment and down the stairs to Stan’s car.

Bill slid in the back and took the offered banana from Mike. “Thanks.” He grinned widely.

“Don’t worry about it Bill. We know you probably had a long night.” Mike snickers.

“Wha’?” Bill asked, through a mouthful of the fruit.

“Your twitter kind of exploded last night. Can’t believe you didn’t notice. That Trashmouth dude tweeted you. Or should I say your future husband?” Stan’s voice came from the driver's seat

“Wha-?” Bill choked this time from shock.

Mike passed a water bottle back to Bill, who accepted it and took a generous drink.

He coughed a few times, and cleared his throat. “Tozier tweeted me?” Bill asked, just to be sure.

“Yes, dude. The guy you’ve been totally in love with since Freshman year tweeted you.” Mike rolled his eyes.

“Lay off, you guys.” Bill scoffed.

He was excited, but to deviate away from the teasing he didn’t pull his phone out of his pocket to check, even though it felt like it was burning a hole in his khakis.

Bill finished his banana, and they made it to the school within minutes. The three of them said their goodbyes and went in separate directions.

Bill barely made it to class on time, but he had a few minutes to spare. He placed his long board near the door and took his seat. He pulled his phone out, his heart in his throat as he read all of the tweets.

@tmtozierecs: if you haven’t checked out @billiamdraws speed art of me yet, do it!

There were a plethora of tweets in response, saying that they loved it, or that they were already fans of Bills, things like that. Of course, there were a select few that weren’t very nice, but a lot of people seemed to have his back.

His DM box had a few messages in it, and he opened it. His eyes almost bulged from his head when he noticed that most of them were from Tozier himself.

tmtozierecs: hey, billy boy!

tmtozierecs: awh, too busy for me? :(

tmtozierecs: oh shit maybe ur asleep

tmtozierecs: no idea time zones n shit

tmtozierecs: well youd better answer me when you get up

tmtozierecs: ill be waiting

Bill snorted to himself. Even over text, the boy seemed to be off the wall. He was obviously a little crazy. All of the messages had been pretty close together, which sort of made him feel bad, but he had been asleep.

billiamdraws: hey dude!

billiamdraws: i was asleep

billiamdraws: not everyone is as successful as you and can live the rockstar life

billiamdraws: some of us have to go to college

He hoped that came off as teasing as he had meant it to be, really. His heart was pounding wildly because he had no fucking idea what he was doing. He was low key flirting because he knew the other had a girlfriend, but he didn’t really know how to flirt in the first place, so it’s not like it mattered much.

He stored his phone away just as the professor walked in to start their lesson. Today they were working on abstract arts.

Richie woke up to his phone buzzing, and he rolled over. The guitar pick around his neck was cold pressed between his bare chest and the mattress. He blindly groped for his phone, and picked it up. He pulled it close to his face, squinting, before answering.

“What’s up, Miss Marsh?” Richie’s voice was thick with sleep as he rubbed his eyes with his free hand.

“Things are looking better already, Rich. You’re doin’ good.” Her bright voice came through the phone.

Richie grinned softly. “Come on over later and we can smoke then, yeah? You guys are supposed to be relaxing, not worrying about PR.” He rolled back over onto his back as the body next to him shifted to curl into his side.

“We’re always worrying about PR when it comes to you, Rich. You just can’t keep your mouth shut. But yeah, I’ll be over in a few hours. Love you, babe!”

“Love you too, baby.” Richie hung up and dropped his phone back on his bedside table, before pressing a soft kiss to his girlfriend's head.

“I told you I don’t like it when you call others baby.” Her voice came muffled from his side, “Especially when it’s Beverly.”

Richie withheld the urge to roll his eyes, and smoothed her hair back, “And I’ve told you it’s innocent. I’ve known Bev since I was like ten. If I wanted to be dating her I would have done so a long time ago.”

Olivia huffed against his skin, and scooted up to be closer to his face, “I know, but she’s just so pretty..I can’t help but worry.” She tells him, pressing her face into his neck.

Richie brushes his fingers down her back. “You have nothing to worry about, baby. You’re gorgeous, okay?” He presses another kiss to her forehead, and reaches over to grab his phone again to look at the time.

“Don’t you have a conference today?” He asks, squinting.

“Yeah, at one.”

Richie chuckled a bit, “Did you bring your stuff to get ready here? Because you’d better start now.”

She smacked his side. “I know you think I take forever to get ready but I totally don't!”

“It’s almost ten. It takes you an hour to do your hair, and two to do your makeup. I know you better than you think I do.” He shifts around to press a kiss to her lips.

She giggled very softly into the kiss. “Okay, let’s go shower then, big boy.” She nips at his bottom lip and moves to get out of the bed.

Richie shakes his head, but moves to get out of bed. He pulls his glasses on so he can see better, only to notice the notifications on his phone. “Go ahead and start it, babe. I’ll be there in a minute.”

He scrolls through his notifications on twitter, grinning at a few posts, before he moves over to his DM’s. The one that caught his eye was Billiams. He opened it. A chuckle left his lips from the boy’s words.

tmtozierecs: are you trying to flatter me, billiam?

tmtozierecs: because its working (;

tmtozierecs: i really just wanted to thank you for the video you posted

tmtozierecs: you sort of saved my ass in a lot of different ways

Richie put his phone down and hopped away to join his girlfriend in his shower.

Bill felt his phone buzz about ten minutes later, but did his best to ignore it. Mostly because he was painting and didn’t want to ruin it, but also because his professor would literally kick you out of class if you had your phone out while doing an assignment...unless you needed it for a reference picture. Which this assignment didn’t need a reference picture, otherwise he could totally get away with it.

It buzzed a few more times in his pocket, and he knew it had to be Richie. Stan and Mike never texted him multiple times, and if there was an emergency they would call him. They were pretty much the only two people he talked too. Once a night, he talked to his little brother Georgie, and few and far between were phone calls with his parents. He didn’t mind it. He missed Georgie more than he did them anyways.

His phone buzzed one last time, and went still in his pocket. He was thankful for that, because he needed to focus on his painting.

After class was over, Bill placed his easel with the others in the corner to dry, and grabbed his long board to head to his next class. He zoomed past people easily, weaving in and out of the crowd as he skated all the way across campus for an advanced English class. Bill was double majoring in visual arts and creative writing. He hoped one day to write his own book and illustrate it. Who knew what kind of book it would be at this point, but that was his dream.

Upon entering his classroom, he left his long board near the door again and found a seat. His fingers dug into his pocket for his phone and he pulled it out, an ear-splitting grin falling onto his features.

billiamdraws: definitely trying to flatter u!

billiamdraws: ive only been a fan forever

billiamdraws: i probably should have kept that to myself…

billiamdraws: anyways, its no problem really

billiamdraws: it was kind of ridiculous the amount of hate you were getting

billiamdraws: i was just trying to soften the blow

His cheeks were a little red from admitting that he was a fan of Richie, but he was sure it was obvious. He shook his head a bit and put his phone down to pull out his supplies for class.

“So, how’s it going?” Stan’s teasing voice came from next to him, as the other male dropped into the chair. “With Richie, I mean.” The smirk was more than evident on his face.

“Why are you in here? This isn’t your class.” Bill huffed, ignoring the questions all together.

“I just thought I’d drop by. I still got ten minutes, and my class is next door...so spill, gay boy.” Stan pushed his arm.

“I’m not gay, Stan. I’m pansexual.” Bill rolled his eyes, thoroughly irritated with the boy.

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. So, spill.”

Bill rubbed his forehead and turned to look at his friend. “It’s fine. He’s being nice, I’m being nice. He has a girlfriend, so it’s not like that.” Bill chews on the inside of his cheek. “I don’t want to be seen as the guy who wrecked YouTube’s cutest couple anyways.” He scratched awkwardly at his neck.

Stan scoffed, “As if Richie and Olivia are YouTube’s cutest couple. Everyone knows that’s David and Liza. Don’t fret so much. I’m just teasing you anyways.” Stan reaches up to ruffle Bill’s hair. “I’ll catch you at lunch, lover boy.” He grins and stands, “And play nice, alright?”

“Yeah...alright.”

[ghostryders]

fall in love at least once

some Ryder family drabbles, mainly surrounding Ellen and Alec

warning this is the first fic ive ever written lmao its A Mess. minor spoilers, just about what happened to momryder but you find out early in the game anyway.

“I don’t want you to go.”

She is weak. Uncharacteristically frail. Vulnerable. Pale skin and eyes half closed. Speech slurred and tired.

But to Alec she’s still the strongest person he’s ever met.

Ellen takes his hand in hers, “Alec, it’s my time. Stop fighting it, please. They still need to have someone left by the end of this.”

He’s not ready to say goodbye. What’s the point in the years of work if it didn’t do the one thing you designed it to? What’s the good in spending so much time away from the person you love just to save her when you can’t? Was it all for nothing? To be a failed husband and a distant father? Questions. So many questions, but mostly anger. Alec was frustrated. With himself, with SAM, with the universe for allowing Ellen’s life to be cut short when it could have taken him instead. Everything felt like a joke.

“Alec.”

He scans her face, looking for the fight to live that isn’t there anymore.  

“Please look after them. I know it may seem like they’re all grown up now but, they still need someone besides each other.”

He still hasn’t said anything. Doesn’t need to. Doesn’t want to. He turns his attention to the small widow in the hospital room, outlooking the hall, facing the responsibility avoided for so many years.

She was right. They did seem grown up. When did that happen? Alec was proud of them; but it was more than futile to tell them that now. His illegal workings in AI had tainted the name Ryder. Scott was stuck watching the mass relay, always out of grasp of the galaxy he wanted to explore. Sara was getting posted less and less, farther away and more dangerous low reward work than what she dreamed her entire life about. He did that. He ruined that.

Alec tried to imagine a life where he told his children he loved them and hugged them when they got home from school. He wished he went to their infamous laser tag matches, helped Sara with her science fair projects, and told Scott that there was nothing wrong with him when he got picked on, because kids are just mean.

Would things be different then? He tried to pinpoint where he went wrong. Backtracking to the day he met her.

-

For the first time his life, he was in love. 

“Come here often, Doctor?” Alec somehow managed to be even more cocky with a needle in his spine.

“Oh, and he’s funny too.”

“I’m a man of many talents.”

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“Ouch.”

Ellen Harlow was a patient woman, but Lieutenant Alec Ryder was pushing it, and she couldn’t figure out why. It was mostly playful, a bit of banter here, a bit of flirting there, but whenever he came into the labs for a biotics checkup, she found herself pulling at her clothes and fixing her hair all while asking herself why.

Ryder seemed like a good man, that god-awful smirk aside. Not to mention he was strong, an N7 in training. Very strong she found herself thinking. But not all brawns, he’s got brains too she considered as if she were weighing the factors for a pageant winner. Part of Jon Grissom’s team into that… thing; practically a hero if not a pioneer. Maybe it was the weight of her doctorate program and caffeine haze, among other things, that she didn’t notice when the monitor beeped, alerting her to remove the needle from her patient’s neck.

“Everything okay or am I just that distracting?”

“Oh! So sorry. I um...” She fumbled over her words immediately forgetting her current purpose in the world. Removing the needle a bit too quickly she scanned her eyes over the readings.

“Hey, I was thinkin’,” He nervously rubbed the back of his neck where the needle had been “maybe you could uh, join me for drinks sometime? I’ve got the weekend off for the first time in a while, would be a shame to spend it alone.” He rubbed his hands on his knees, the plunge taken and waiting for the water to hit him.  It was the first time she’d seen Alec show any sign of anxiety.

“You’re blood sugars on the low side” Was the first thing she blurted out in response

What the hell is wrong with me

-

Ellen couldn’t remember the last time someone made her laugh so hard. It could have been the pure boredom only a road trip could provide, but seeing the normally serious Alec Ryder channel his inner John Denver as ‘Country Roads’ played on the local Sierra Nevada radio for the second time, followed by several Fleetwood Mac songs, and ‘Hooked On A Feeling’ (to which the only words Alec knew were the repeated ‘hookashakah’s) made her sides hurt.

Alec was beyond excited to introduce her to his parents, bringing her up to log cabin far away from the metropolises of modern earth. What started as a workplace crush turned into him meeting his best friend; Soul mate if you’re feeling dramatic. It didn’t matter. All that mattered was the ring in his coat pocket, and making that beautiful girl next to him smile until her face hurt.

-

This would only happen to them. A guy trying to enjoy his honeymoon with the most amazing woman on the planet (8 months in the works between both of their schedules) is oh-so-conveniently interrupted by aliens.

Fucking aliens.

Alec knew the world was changed by the discoveries on mars, and his discovery of the mass relays with Admiral Grissom, but the discovery of an entire intergalactic community that’s existed for thousands of years?

What. The. Hell.

And now LT Ryder, was being shipped off to fight them.

Half the battle so far was leaving. They stood in the terminal for the fastest hour of their lives just holding each other.

“When will you be back?”

“I don’t know.” There was so much unknown. As much as an explorer he was, he hated not knowing. Not knowing for her.

“Alec Ryder, you come home safe, okay? Or I’ll kick your ass.” Ellen’s eyes were still puffy and red, but she smiled for the first time in a long time, and so did he. Alec absorbed as much of her face as he could, taking a million pictures and mapping her freckles like stars. What if this was the last time he ever saw that beautiful face? He wasn’t going to take any chances.

“I’ll call you as soon as we’re in range of comms. I promise.” He squeezed her shoulders, still taking in every inch of her, just in case.

“Love you, Solider”

“Love you more.”

-

“Huh.” Was one of those things you never wanted to hear from a doctor.

“Is everything normal?”

6 weeks along in her pregnancy, any patience Ellen Ryder had was out the airlock. She was beyond anxious for any news, and knew Alec felt the same. He was sat in the corner of the ultrasound room, twiddling his thumbs as if he was expecting the doctor to tell them she was carrying the first turian-human hybrid child.

“Everything is normal. Double normal if you could say.” The doctor laughed at her own joke and turned the grainy screen towards the expecting parents.

“Congratulations, you’re having twins. Might want to double up on those saving funds.”

All Alec and Ellen could see was darkness and…. Two little somethings. Two of them.... Oh god… two of them? I mean that’s amazing but we’re fighting to pay citadel rent prices and feed just the two of us; No, four of us now. I need to start thinking in fours.

By the time Alec returned to the present, the gel had been cleaned off and Ellen was shaking the doctors hand, with several informational pamphlets about multiple births tucked under her arm.

-

For the second time in his life, Alec Ryder fell in love.

22 hours later, Ellen was recovering, soundly asleep and pain free. And the babies...

His babies were the two most beautiful things he had ever seen in his life. He was overwhelmed by the parental instinct to protect and provide for them. He even found himself getting antsy when the nurse handled them slightly rougher than he liked.

They’re perfect.

Alec craned over the two the two of them in awe, almost afraid to touch them. Sara came first and was smaller than her brother by a pound and a half, something about him stealing all the nutrients, but he didn’t care; she was perfect. Scott came shortly after, already alert and ready to see the world, eyes open and hands grasping at everyone who attended to him; he was perfect. They lay side by side, sleeping soundly for the first time since they came into the galaxy.

This is what he fought for. A bit ironic really, that only a little over a year ago he was fighting aliens, and now he was living on their space station. His children would likely grow up to be friends with them, never wondering if anything was out there besides humans. Alec fought for their future, and now all he had to do was preserve it.

-

“And then I asked, ‘what’s so bad about AI?’ and they all looked at me like I slapped them in the face. Apparently, its pretty illegal stuff out here; Shame, I think its fascinating.”

“I’m sure its for a good reason. They’ve been here longer than we have, they know the rules.” Ellen said as she removed her lab coat and badge, scooping up the nearest Ryder jr into a hug.

“I guess.” Alec decided to end the conversation there, but not ending the thought of it.

Their citadel home was cramped, A two-bedroom apartment with a modest view of the presidium. Growing up in the Sierras, Alecs childhood bedroom had been bigger than their kitchen and living room combined; but on a place like the citadel, it was the best they were going to get. It wasn’t bad when Scott and Sara were younger, but at the age of 4, it became apparent they would need to upsize eventually. They could barely run yet they could both be described as daredevils; jumping across the couch, box surfing down the stairs, intense action vid reenactments- the works. He wished he didn’t have to work all the time. Alec took the job as an attaché expecting normal hours and good pay, unlike his time served in combat. But here he was, coming home exhausted after 12 hour shifts because ambassador Goyle wanted humanity to have the place in the intergalactic community it deserved. Alec couldn’t argue with that but, it was frustrating. He missed his children’s first words, and then steps. He only hoped they still knew who he was when he got home.

-

“You mean…. You’re dying?”

Sara was always too clever for her own good. Scott just kept staring, brown eyes fixed on the coffee table, like maybe if he focused hard enough that all of this would go away. Alec was considering giving it a try himself.

The silence was deafening.

Ellen shifted in her place on the couch for a few minutes, unsure of what to say to a pair of 13-year old’s who understand what a terminal illness means for most people. Alec felt like he should step in but he didn’t know what they we’re going to do either, and he wasn’t about to expose his project before he knew it could work. Ellen wanted to move back to earth, which they both knew wouldn’t go over well with the twins.

“It’s a little more complicated than that, honey. I’m not going to drop dead tomorrow. I just-“ She sighs, wringing her hands, wanting to be honest but avoid scaring them. “Let’s make the most of the next few years, alright?” She gives a warming smile but Sara’s face doesn’t react. She sits still and stoic, still processing everything. Scotts line of sight has moved from the table to his feet, and Ellen wonders if he even heard what she said.

And suddenly to Alec, It’s no longer a matter of ‘if it works’-no- ‘when it works’. It has to work. It has to.

-

Maybe I’ll do more of this?? probably not cause im cringing while reading it over rip

[mcnaughton]

Abandoning Hope -- Some Thoughts on Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

*NOTE: I wrote this the day after seeing Rogue One at the cinema. I don't do FB, so I posted it to my neglected G+ and linked to Twitter ( twitter.com/drewmcnaughton ). Every few years I remember I have a Tumblr, so I'm sharing it here 6 months later. Also, to correct the opening sentence, I did not see R1 again in theaters, making it the first live action Star Wars movie I've ever only seen once on the big screen. Enjoy....... Original Post 12/16/16 ( https://plus.google.com/108163877778963936170/posts/TUqccQPVkzf ) I will see Rogue One again while it is still at the cinema. That isn't really saying much since I saw Phantom Menace five times during the summer of 1999, back when I had way more time on my hands and George Lucas was only in his first phase of ruining my childhood. Today at work, I told people who knew I saw it last night that if they like Star Wars, then Rogue One is worth seeing, and if they had seen all of them, then they had already seen worse Star Wars movies as well as much better ones (among which I would include The Force Awakens). I did not really know what to expect walking into Rogue One as I had read no spoilers other than there would be no opening crawl (real spoilers will follow below). While I was looking forward to seeing it, it was the least excited I had ever been for a new Star Wars movie (I was 4 years old when Jedi premiered, and the Emperor's force lightning torture of Luke was too much for my little mind to handle). I identified at least two reasons for my lack of enthusiasm: it would not move the saga forward nor would it likely answer long pondered questions since in at least a general sense we already know what happens because it is literally spelled out for us in the opening title crawl of the original Star Wars. Also, we just got a new Star Wars a year ago. I probably will be much more excited for Episode VIII next year, but it is also possible that the House of Mouse Star Wars saturation is already taking its toll. ***Spoilers below, you've been warned*** I walked away from Rogue One with mixed feelings. I did not enjoy it as much as I did last year's The Force Awakens. This is largely due to Rogue One’s paper thin characters. I don’t dislike Jyn or the Captain guy. The blind Jedi inspired warrior and his brick shithouse companion are fun. I especially got a huge kick out of blind Chirrut (I had to Google his name because I honestly could not remember it) saying "May the Force of Others Be With You" and his reference to the Whills, both of which are ancient relics of the earliest drafts of The Star Wars by Lucas (I highly recommend The Star Wars comic book miniseries that brings the rough draft to life; it isn't exactly what I'd characterize as a good story, but it is a fascinating look at from what Star Wars evolved, as well as how certain elements emerged decades later in the prequels, for better or worse). But the only character I really cared about was the droid K-2S0. He dies. They all die. That was fairly predictable. But only K-2S0's sacrifice made me even somewhat emotional. The Captain is a one note character, and while I embrace the diversity on display in these new Star Wars films, I honestly had a difficult time understanding some of his dialogue due at least in part to the character’s (or actor’s) accent. Then there is Jyn, who goes from not really caring about the Rebellion (or anything for that matter) to preaching about "hope" to Mon Mothma almost immediately after her father is killed, seemingly turning on a dime in terms of her character’s motivation. This character’s shift is less convincing than Anakin's turn to the Dark Side. I cared less about Jyn after 2+ hours than I did about Rey in her first couple of minutes on screen in The Force Awakens while scavenging the crashed Star Destroyer, hocking her goods, and making her portion of space bread. Maybe it was a difference in the quality of the acting, the script writing, or both. The absense of characters in whom I am emotionally invested is a big problem I have in fully embracing Rogue One. Not caring about the characters is largely what sank the prequels, especially The Phantom Menace (though to be fair, I really liked Ewan McGregor’s performance in Attack of the Clones because he seemed to be having fun with the role, and even Hayden Christensen had a few shining moments about midway through Revenge of the Sith where I actually felt his inner turmoil). Speaking of which, Darth Vader is in Rogue One and it is pretty awesome. We see his lava planet castle, based on old conceptual art for Empire Strikes Back, I believe. Most of the planets in Rogue One are identified by title cards. This one is not, though I assumed it was Mustafar and I'm sure that will be confirmed or denied through some official Star Wars sanctioned means if it hasn't already. I absolutely love the planet Jedha, with the relics of the last remaining Jedi temple and fallen statues that are very much in the spirit of the Lord of the Rings films (think The Argonath from Fellowship of the Ring). Pretty much everything that happens on this planet are my favorite parts of the movie. I'm getting slightly ahead of myself here though. The film opens with a somewhat cliched scene of young Jyn seeing the murder of her mother and abduction of her father by the Imperial bad guy who needs help finishing the construction of the Death Star. It is notable that the mother is wearing clothing very similar to the Jedi robes in the prequels that were also worn by common Tatooine folks in A New Hope and Return of the Jedi. She also is the bearer of a Kyber Crystal, which have long been known to be the power element for both Jedi/Sith lightsabers as well as the Death Star's main weapon, though never acknowledged on film until now. We then flash forward to Jyn in an imperial jail. It is at this point that I really started to worry about Rogue One because in the next 10 minutes, we visit at least 4 different planets, and I started to wonder if the film was heading into a narrative nightmare not witnessed since David Lynch's Dune (which, in full disclosure, I absolutely love, though I'd never try to convince anyone that it is actually a good movie). Fortunately it does not (although perhaps Rogue One would be far more memorable if it was a complete disaster of a film rather than one that is just somewhat off its mark). As I write this, it has been about 24 hours since I saw Rogue One, and that brief, messy stretch of the film is mostly a blur in my mind, but at its outset, Jyn is going to help the Rebels find Saw Gerrera played by Ghost Dog himself Forest Whitaker because plot reasons.. That leads to the terrific sequences on Jedha. The film is worth seeing for these alone. In The Force Awakens, Han Solo stated that Luke Skywalker went in search of the last Jedi temple. Perhaps what we see on Jedha will come into play in next year's Episode VIII, or perhaps not. There was no teaser for Episode VIII before or after Rogue One. Then a bunch of stuff happens: Jyn's dad dies, we see Tarkin which is cool, and we see some other OT characters, some of whom's cameos are clever, while others are shameless fan service and pandering. And then we get to the film's third act, which has been what most people who have seen and enjoyed Rogue One have pointed to as its highlight. Frankly, I was underwhelmed. Again, I got a little emotional when the droid K-2S0 is killed protecting Jyn and Captain guy. Many of the more iconic images from the film's trailers didn't even make into the final cut of this sequence (which calls into question the apparent validity of the rumors of the production being troubled). I did not hate this extended sequence, but this is the first time in any Star Wars movie where I was not fully engaged in the epic battle. Yes, that includes the ones in the prequels. I did really like when Darth Vader's Star Destroyer popped up to thwart any sense of pure victory the Rebels may have felt after capturing the Death Star plans. Then we see Princess Leia, obviously a special effect, and she lightspeeds away on the Tantave IV into the opening shot of Episode IV. This all calls into question why The House of Mouse felt compelled to make this movie. Well, the answer is simple, to continue to make "a shitload of money" (to quote Lone Star from Spaceballs) off of their $4 billion investment. But why this story? My guess is that the powers that be recognized that Revenge of the Sith’s attempt to tie directly into the beginning of A New Hope failed miserably, largely because of the 20 year gap in the saga timeline between the two films. This is probably why they went with Princess Leia at the end of Rogue One and not Artoo and Threepio, since we already saw them on the Tantave IV in one of the last shots in Episode III. There's a lot of unaccounted for events on the Star Wars timeline, especially in light of the abandonment of the Extended Universe (which was fine by me because most of those novels and comic books were really dumb) and the introduction of new characters, concepts and entities in The Force Awakens. Maybe years from now (or much sooner) we'll get to see the Battle of Jaku on the big screen in another standalone film. I would have preferred that to what we get in Rogue One. Some of my specific nitpicks, such as how can the X- and U-Wings destroy the AT-ATs when in Empire Strikes Back their "armor is too strong for blasters", I've already found answers to -- according to Den Of Geek, these are actually AT-ACTs, designed for cargo, not combat ( http://www.denofgeek.com/us/movies/star-wars/260771/star-wars-rogue-one-easter-eggs-and-reference-guide ). My brother picked up on some other nitpicks, particularly how the end of Rogue One and the beginning of A New Hope don't exactly match up ( https://t.co/q881t4Jr5e ). I'm sure more of those will occur to the collective Star Wars community as time goes by and second, third and perhaps fourth theatrical viewings occur. *****END SPOILERS**** Look, when new Star Wars (and also Star Trek) movies are released, I am tense when I see them the first time because I am anxiously waiting for them to start sucking. There is an unfortunate precedent for that for these two franchises. In the last year, I enjoyed both The Force Awakens and Star Trek Beyond way more on subsequent viewings than I did the first times. In the case of Rogue One, it stumbles out of the gate, then thrives during the Jedha sequences, and finally settles in as a B-/C+ grade Star Wars film. There is a chance I might like it even less when I see it again, but I might also find more to appreciate. I've seen the worst Star Wars and Star Trek films at least several dozen times each, and the best ones hundreds if not thousands of times (no exaggeration…. I wore out my VHS copies of Star Wars, Empire, Wrath of Khan, Search for Spock and The Voyage Home as a kid). I'll see Rogue One again. I even look forward to it. I just HOPE I find something more to like about it.