#fainted when I saw nayan

[shuknopadma]

Posters for Jawan (2023) releasing September 7th

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FFXIV Write Prompt #25 - Wish

“These last few days were like a breath of fresh air,” Cassia says quietly. The wind blows around her in a soft breeze, gently pulling at some of the loose strands from her braid, making them flutter ever so slightly. “Bethany has started to climb everything she can reach, and I think Estinien and Adriene are making plans for her Dragoon training already.” A small laugh leaves her as she elaborates. “I swear I saw a tear of pride on Estinien’s face when he got Beth to jump off the couch table and onto the sofa. Of course, Nayan claims that she would be much more suited to become a warrior. Doesn’t get tired of reminding me every time Beth has a temper tantrum.”

She pauses for a moment, her mind filled with happy memories of the past few days. After all the war and fighting and worries for their friends, the small reprieve had been absolutely necessary. 

“Oh, and you should see Saran play hide and seek with her. The way she tries her absolute hardest to be bad at hiding so Bethany can find her quickly is the most adorable thing. And Lay has started to read her children’s books she found somewhere in Aymeric’s library. Most of them are terrifyingly grim, but Beth seems to love them.” 

Cassia knows she has been talking for a while, but like always when she talks about her daughter, she finds it hard to stop. “You know,” she adds, “Everyone keeps telling me how much she looks like me. Alisaie made the joke that she looks like a tiny wind-up version of me.” She chuckles before she takes a deep breath. “But when Bethany smiles, I doubt there is a single soul in Ishgard that couldn’t see that she is your daughter.”

Her hand comes to rest on the stone. It’s cold under her skin, but the rough texture feels like a comfort against her ungloved hand. In the distance, she can see the towering spires of Ishgard gleam under the sunlight. It is a beautiful day. Bitterly cold, as always, but the sun stands high and the skies are crystal clear with not a single cloud in sight. 

“I wish…” Cassia mutters, a faint yearning reading its head deep inside of her. “I wish you could see her grow up,” she confesses quietly to the broken shield resting against the stone in utter silence. Over the years it has frozen into place, become immovable. A solemn fixture, watching over the city from afar. 

“I’m sorry I am not coming around more often,” Cassia adds, feeling the familiar guilt rise inside her. “I had to leave, you understand, right? I couldn’t stay here. Not when every single spot in this city keeps reminding me of us. Of the plans we had. The lives we never got to live…” She lets out a soft sigh. “You should see your father with Beth though,” she says with a smile on her face. “The way his eyes light up each time she so much as coos at him. I swear he looks younger now than he did when I first met him. He loves her so much…” 

The thought feels like a warm embrace around her heart, making the city in the distance look even brighter somehow. “You know, he took me aside a little while ago. Trying to let me know that he would support me fully if I wanted to move on…” She shakes her head with a click of her tongue. “I didn’t even get what he meant at first but… He worries about me. Said I seem terribly lonely sometimes and that he knows you wouldn’t want me to stay on my own forever…”

Under the warm sunlight on her face, her tears only shimmer slightly, but they don’t fall.

“I know he is right, and I know you would tell me the same thing, but…” Something lodges in her throat, the familiar guilt, mixed with a hint of fear. “You know, given what a wonderful family I have found for myself, I sometimes feel like the most ungrateful person alive,” she whispers so quietly, that even the mild breeze manages to swallow the sound. “I have all those wonderful people in my life and they are perfect, and they love me and yet sometimes I feel so lonely that it hurts to breathe.” 

Out here, in the quiet of a cold winter day, with only the dead as her company, Cassia can speak the words that would normally threaten to choke her. 

“They give me so much, and they all encourage me, hope for me to find someone and I just… I don’t know if I can ever do that again.” It is a terrifying thought, but one that doesn’t leave her, even in her brightest moments. Her voice becomes a whisper again as she quietly adds, “I don’t know if I can let myself love someone again the way I still love you. And I know for certain I could never settle for anything less.”

Around her, the snow and the mountains are nothing but quiet. Silent witnesses to the fear she could never dare to voice in front of anyone else. 

For a while, Cassia just stands there in silence, her eyes fixed on the city in the distance. It stands tall, unshaken. With the damage of the Dragonsong War mostly repaired, it looks… whole. From afar, it is nearly impossible to see the cracks that still remain. But Cassia knows they are there. In a way, the city is much like her. They are both still standing, tirelessly working to fix the damage done to them. And from a distance, Cassia, too, looks like she is whole again. The small cracks and blemishes only visible if one knows where to look. 

She takes a deep breath. 

“I have to go away again, for a while,” she says softly to the grave. “Bethany will stay with your father while I’m gone. It could be a while, and it might be dangerous, but we found a way to hopefully save our friends,” she explains. “There is something at the Crystal Tower. We’re leaving for Mor Dhona first thing tomorrow, but I wanted to visit you first. You know, catch up and everything.” Her try at humor sounds a bit pitiful, even to her own ears, but it doesn’t matter. 

“Keep an eye on Ishgard for me, will you?” she asks softly as she lets her hand run over the stone once more. Her fingers gently follow along the lines of the letters that make up Haurchefant’s name and her heart still skips a beat when she imagines his gentle smile for a moment. The way he would look at her when saying good-bye. His good-byes had never been sad. When he had bid her farewell, it had always been with the enthusiastic anticipation of seeing her again. “I’ll be back to tell you everything once I return,” she says into the wind and the smile on her face is a little bit more genuine than before. More real. With a last, wistful sigh at the gravesite overlooking all of Ishgard, she turns away.

She helped save that city from ruin once. As she walks away, toward yet another journey full of uncertainties, Cassia wonders if she, in time, might just be able to save herself, too.