#failing that I will adopt two black cats and go live my best witch life

[almsotal]

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[carewyncromwell]

[HPHL] Jackson Knightly Moodboard

We can do what we're told, We can go where we're lead, But I learned from my father to see what's ahead! Nothing here to hold me, no one that I owe... Funny how a boy can grow! Funny how a city tells you when it's time to go!

~“My Petersburg,” from Anastasia the musical

Full profile under the cut! 💚

HOGWARTS LEGACY PROFILE (template inspired by @hogwartsmysterystory​)

Name: Jackson Lucas Knightly

Nicknames: Jack, Jackie, Jax, Jacko, Knightly

Blood Status: Half-Blood

House: Slytherin

Magical abilities: Wandless/wordless magic; (5th year on) Animagus (European adder with a white line on the left side of its lower jaw)

Wand: Ebony and Dragon Heartstring, 12 inches, temperamental

Personality: Witty, animated, sociable, curious, intelligent, resourceful, resilient, impractical, ambitious, rebellious, capricious, mercurial, flirtatious, overthinker, easily distracted, procrastinator

Myers Briggs Type: ENFP

Sexuality/Gender Identity: Gay / Cisgender Male

Birthday: May 29 (Gemini)

Appearance: Short wavy dark brown hair; bright "ocean blue” eyes with flecks of green, long-fingered hands; a rather youthful, boyish face; a small white scar on the left corner of his lower lip; a charming smile “so handsome it could belong to Lucifer himself, either before or after the fall”

History:

Jackson is the only child of disgraced witch Cassandra Knightly and her husband, a Muggle named John Eglinton. Cassandra was initially disowned by her family due to her becoming pregnant out of wedlock -- even her marrying John to try to protect her honor didn’t mend fences with her family, as the Knightlys never approved of Eglinton.

It seems they were right not to trust Eglinton, for when Cassandra felt the need to tell John that she and their son Jackson had magic (after Jackson at age nine had somehow managed to levitate himself completely off the ground after nearly falling out of a tree), Eglinton decided to try to capitalize on it. Knowing his wife wouldn’t approve and would probably try to stop him with her own magic, Eglinton kidnapped Jackson and fled the country so that he would be the sole person with control over Jackson’s life and activities.

Eglinton took Jackson to New York, where he used his son as a pawn in his scams as a supposed “spirit medium.” Eglinton got a lot of acclaim and money for his supposed “supernatural abilities,” which in truth were Jackson making things levitate or conjuring up things like flowers or fog with wandless and wordless magic.

Jackson was stuck marching to the rhythm of his father’s drum for several years before befriending a young Pureblood witch named Adelia Selwyn @that-ravenpuff-witch​, whose family lived in New York City. Adelia tipped her family off to young wizard Jackson being in the sole custody of his Muggle conman father, and the Selwyns (not being very keen on Muggles) tipped off the MACUSA. The MACUSA took Jackson into their custody and erased all memory of his magic from Eglinton’s memory, leaving him to try and fail to recreate the tricks he’d had his son do with magic and subsequently lose all credibility and fade into obscurity and poverty. Despite how amiable Jackson generally is, he feels no pity whatsoever for his father’s fate and if pressed would have to admit he doesn’t even care if Eglinton is still alive or not.

Jackson was subsequently returned to his mother Cassandra in England and the following year was allowed to finally start attending Hogwarts. He was delighted to find his friend from New York, Adelia, in his year and house, and the two soon became very close confidants.

When he arrived at school, his talent for wandless and wordless magic without training and marked affinity for ancient magics in particular got Jackson a lot of attention. Jackson doesn’t dislike the attention, but he’s of the opinion that there’s so much more he can learn and do, so no one should think he’s going to be satisfied just being where he’s at. Now that he has access to all of this knowledge and magic, he wants to take the Wizarding World by storm!

Other Facts:

Jackson fashion-wise would be considered a “dandy” in the vein of Oscar Wilde. Expect a lot of tailored jackets, embroidered vests, thin-legged trousers, and perfectly tied ascots.

Jackson’s best subjects tend to be “flashy” subjects like Defense Against the Dark Arts, Care of Magical Creatures, and Transfiguration, though because of his talent for ancient magics, he is actually rather capable at History of Magic as well. His worse subjects tend to be “quieter” subjects like Potions and Herbology.

Although Jackson’s a charmer, he’s actually very hard to woo as a lover given his tendency to overthink people’s intentions and growing up with a hyper-masculine and therefore rather homophobic father. Jackson’s very friendly and a total flirt, but he’s actually a lot more sensitive than his witty, rebellious, affable air would first suggest.

One of Jackson’s dreams is to one day own and tame a dragon, specifically a Hebridian Black. In the meantime he’s contented himself with adopting a black cat familiar, who he calls Lenore.

Jackson is very fond of poetry, especially the works of Edgar Allen Poe, Oscar Wilde, Lord Byron, and Robert Browning.

One of his loftiest ambitions is to become Minister for Magic, though he’s also quite fancied the thought of becoming an actor, Dragonologist, or Cursebreaker. No matter what, he wants to do things his way and ruffle a few feathers along the way. Because hey, f*** the system, right?

Jackson has undiagnosed ADHD -- he’s pretty much always moving and always thinking, and his brain never really turns off. It also makes it difficult for him to finish projects and causes him to procrastinate and forget important details and deadlines.

One of Jackson’s special talents is public speaking -- if you need someone to help you give a presentation or convince someone else of something, Jackson is your guy. He pretty quickly finds a comfortable position as a Quidditch commentator during Inter-House Quidditch matches.

Jackson is the sort of person to add monikers onto just about everyone’s names and/or give people affectionate “titles,” i.e. “my dear [name here]” or “my [adjective here] friend.” He also frequently sticks to “Mr./Miss/Ms./Professor/whatever [surname]” until he considers you a friend, at which point he will definitely give you a nickname or two. (His best friend Adelia Selwyn’s are “Addy” and “Lia.” For male friends, he’ll sometimes just call them by their surnames, though he just as frequently will call them other nicknames too.)

Face Claim: James McAvoy (specifically in the film Becoming Jane)

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 43

The one where Sophia’s administrator is officially hired, and an odd story about black cats features.

Or, “Sometimes the real world is as weird as fiction”

For all that I joked about books being my truest, most lasting love – after all, who still loves the same thing in their thirties that they loved when they were three? – life on the Ark kept me so busy that I was ashamed to admit I did not know where the archives were.  However, I was always willing to learn more about the ship and take the chance to meet new people on the way. As such, I tucked the promised tomes into a satchel and decided to walk there, using my datapad as a map. A little voice somewhere on processor four, where my conscience and good will toward people tended to be, told me that travelling on foot would give people the chance to see that I wasn’t afraid, despite what happened.  Maybe it would help make them less afraid.

That was three hours ago.  Both of my shoulders ached from swapping the bag of books back and forth over the course of my idiotic trek. I was sweating slightly, and somewhere along the way I decided that the ‘little voice’ at the beginning was not, in fact, my conscience or belief in people, but instead came from processor five, home of Bad Decisions. I was completely certain of this, because the same voice had been telling me for the past thirty minutes to burn the books anyway and just be done with it.

To my relief, my datapad indicated that the door in front of me was my destination. Unlike most common areas on the Ark, this door was not labelled in any way that a human could interpret.  Early on, Miys made it very clear that the doors were, in fact, marked by the architecture and gave back a specific echo when hit with a certain frequency – one that humans could neither hear nor create without technical assistance.  I took a moment to straighten my bearing and run a hand through my frazzled hair before approaching the den of my soon-to-be administrator.

Alistair Worthington was nowhere in sight, but what I did see compelled me to let out a confident and completely dignified squeak.  Books.  Hundreds and hundreds of real, tangible, paper books.  The smell of ink and glue invaded my lungs like the most intoxicating drug ever created.  I don’t know what I had been expecting when I imagined there being an ‘Archive’ on the ship, but this wasn’t it.

This was a library.  One like I hadn’t seen since I was a kid.  Every shred of exhaustion and frustration vanished from my body as I trailed my fingers gently over the spines on the shelves.  I honestly wanted to cry from the sheer sensation of being reunited with a long-lost friend.  You can keep your hymns, your prayers, and your sermons, I thought. This is the most religious experience of my life.

My reverie was shattered painfully by the sound of a throat being cleared behind me. “Miss, please don’t touch the – Oh. Councillor Reid.” Worthington’s face snapped from stern to surprised when I turned on him, not even bothering to wipe the tears from my face.

Without a word, I untangled myself from the satchel I had been carrying and held it out with one hand. When he just glanced at it in confusion, I shook it. “Your books. I promised I would bring them myself, and I try to always keep my word.”

After only a split second of additional hesitation, the man before me showed the only spec of emotion I had seen in our brief encounters by eagerly snatching the bag from me and digging through it like it held everything he ever wanted. Ah, I thought, arching a brow. So you are human, after all.

“There are two missing.” He actually sounded disappointed.

Shaking my head, I tried to wrap my Councillor bearing around me. “No, there aren’t.  Antoine Costa decided to keep Love in the Time of Cholera, since it was made here on the ship and the source does not negate the fact that it is his favorite book. Tyche Reid did agree to donate two of her graphic novels to the archive, but made a personal choice to keep Blankets, as is her right.”

With a sigh, he nodded in terse acceptance. “I suppose I can learn to live with that.”

“Archivist Worthington, there are fifteen books in that bag.  None of the books that were donated or reclaimed were found to have Baconist propaganda, so that is all of them beside the two which were kept by their rightful owners,” I pointed out in frustration. “Besides, I carried those down here, on foot.  It took me three hours. The least you can do is show an ounce of gratitude.”

He was clearly unimpressed, if the flat look he pointed at me was any indication. “For honoring our agreement and delivering them yourself, yes, I am grateful. However, I did not ask you to foolishly make that trek without the use of a transport, especially not when you are still recovering from your attack if I remember correctly. How you convinced your over-protective sister to even allow this – “

“Tyche does not ‘allow’ me to do anything, Mr. Worthington,” I cut him off icily. “I am a grown woman, and I am capable of making my own decisions.”

“That does not mean they are intelligent decisions, apparently,” he grumbled. “You clearly have more sense than this, I am baffled why you decided to walk down here.”

He had me there. After an awkward silence, I decided to change the subject. “Where did the rest of these come from?” I asked, running a finger along the edge of a shelf. “I know they aren’t confiscated.”

“I brought them from Earth, mostly,” he breathed with a nod. “Maybe three months before I arrived on the Ark, I stumbled across an old book store. Imagine my surprise when I saw that, somehow, it had not been broken into, the books not used for kindling.”

“You may as well have found Atlantis while you were at it,” I replied, not even half joking. In ten years, I had only found one or two books that were in sufficient condition to still read them, and more gutted and burned libraries than I wanted to remember.  Book were paper, paper made good kindling. Sadly, religious texts burned the best, since they were usually printed on thinner paper.  College textbooks were a close second.

Clearing his throat, he continued. “When I woke up on the Ark, I insisted that either the books come with me, or I go back to Earth.  Books are history, I explained.  And those who fail to learn from history…”

“Are doomed to repeat it,” I finished with a nod. “I completely agree, and I’m sure Tyche would agree with your determination.  She managed to talk Noah into bringing the pets and genetic samples of the wildlife.”

“It is an Ark,” he conceded. “Would be a shame if we left the fauna behind. They did not ruin our world, after all.” He glanced away with a familiar haunted look. We all had ghosts, it seemed. Shaking his head vigorously, he seemed to snap out of whatever memory he was stuck in. “I’m just glad she did not bring any actual mice.  They destroy books like nothing else.”

“No mice, just a cat,” I reassured him with a small smile.

“Ah, yes. Mac.” Worthington wrinkled his nose slightly. “A bit cliché, isn’t it? A witch having a black cat?”

“Ooo, someone never asked about the cat,” I sing-songed. “He’s shared, for starters. Mine, hers, and apparently the entire ship’s.  But he’s also part of a long-standing tradition, one that goes back further than I can probably tell you.  It’s unrelated to the witch thing, although that seems to be tradition, too.”

“Most people find black cats to be bad luck,” he sniffed, making it clear that ‘most people’ probably equated to ‘superstitious idiots’ in his mind.

I shook my head and chuckled. “Not my family, not by a long shot.  Black cats always seem to find us, and we always seem to have at least one.  No idea why, but I can’t remember a time when a woman in my family didn’t own a black cat.” A glance showed that the archivist was waiting expectantly. “When I was three years old, my family lived in California.  Tyche wasn’t even born yet.  Someone dumped two newborn kittens on our doorstep, a tabby and a black one. Smokey and Dragon.  Mom went that day and got the formula and bottles to nurse them, and we kept them until we had to move across country.  Then we were adopted by strays, first in Arkansas, then in Washington… When we moved back to Arkansas for the last time, not a week after we moved in, a gorgeous long-haired black tom showed up on our doorstep. Shadow. He was already grown, and half feral, but he always came back to our house.  Not long before he vanished for the last time, one of our other cats, Monster, had a litter of kittens.  Nearly every one was black.  The girl, Onyx, was our next black cat.  Then I went to college, Onyx died of a very venerable old age, and on my way to class one day, a kitten screamed at me from an engine block.  I fished him out, and that was the original Machiavelli.  Mac is his grandson, by the way.  Mac stayed with Tyche, and I ended up with first The Dread Pirate Timmy, and then Nicodemus. There were other cats, but always at least one black one.”

As I told the story, I had been walking along the edge of the room, trailing my fingers along the tops of and down the spines of the books.  I glanced over my shoulder to see Worthington’s head tilted and a strong look of thought on his features. “My family is heathens,” I clarified. “As far back as we have a family tree.  You have to look really hard to find any major Abrahamic religions in there, and there’s not a drop of noble blood in our veins unless you count the Vikings.”

“Vikings were quite noble,” he muttered, still lost in thought.

“Maybe that’s why we never bought into the whole ‘black cats are bad luck’ thing,” I shrugged. “Cats are cats. They eat vermin, they make good companions. Self-sufficient, not very needy. So. I need to know that you’ll get along well with Mac.”

“Wait.” He shook his head again before taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes. “What? Why would I need to get along with your cat?”

I turned to fully face him, wide grin on my face. “Because, Mr. Worthington,” I flicked the file toward him from my datapad with a flourish. “You, sir, are my new Administrator. Congratulations.”

Finally losing all his composure, he started sputtering. “You – you cannot be serious.  Did any others even apply?”

“Over a hundred, actually,” I confirmed, enjoying myself. “Forty made it past Xiomara Kalloe. Seventeen survived a second, deeper background check.” No need to mention Derek. “You, however, were the only one with a recommendation letter from my sister.”

“She doesn’t even like me,” he argued.

“Not in the criteria for the position, fortunately,” I explained. “And you’d be surprised.  You aren’t afraid of her, which is significantly more impressive than you seem to realize.”

“You have clearly never taught teenagers,” he responded wryly. “Nasty little shits, they can be.”

I continued, trying not to laugh. “You’re determined, which is something she understands. But probably the most important is that you were the first person who I encountered after what happened on Level One who didn’t treat me like either a hero or a helpless victim.  You saw me as a Councillor, expected me to act like one, and trusted my judgement.”

“I argued with you,” he pointed out.

“Do you not want the position?” I asked, arching a brow at him. He stopped arguing. “Even the fact that you argued with me is a point in your favor, not against it. You argued reasonably, logically. The disagreement was not with me personally, you were simply trying to get me to understand both sides of the debate.  I’m not infallible, I’m human. I can be wrong, and today proves it.  I can’t have someone assisting me who will agree to whatever I say just because I’m the one saying it. That way lies madness, despots, and the End.”

“I was really the best candidate?” he asked, still skeptical.

“I wasn’t part of the deliberations, so I can’t answer that honestly. But I do know that you were the one that my sister and I most approved of, based on what we knew of you.  And the Council agreed on your appointment unanimously. Which means Grey Hodenson also decided, after what I understand was weeks of deliberation, that you were the best for the position.  If that does not speak volumes as to your qualifications, I really don’t know what else would.”

“Huh.”

“Like I said, Administrator Worthington, congratulations.”

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[the-healing-hero]

★ BASIC DETAILS AND OUTWARD APPEARANCE ★

1. Name: Alice

2. Nickname(s)?: Many. Bunny a lot lately! 3. Gender and pronouns?: Female, dont care 4. Age?: 19 5. When is your birthday?: march 14 6. Nationality: finnish 7. Race: white as ur whitest white bread 8. Have any special features?: i got long eyelashes 9. How tall are you?: 5′9 10. Body type?: tol. kinda fat. idk. pear shaped 11. Do you have any moles / freckles?: so many 12. Do you have any significant scars, birth marks or other marks on your body?: surgery scars on my leggy 13. Do you wear glasses?: occasionally 14. If not, do you wear contact lenses?: no... 15. Have any facial hair?: probably 16. If not, would you like to have facial hair?: no 17. Do you regularly shave your legs or arms?: no 18. Are your ears pierced and how old were you when you got them pierced?: I do but uh. idk like 14? 19. Do you have any other piercings / body modifications?: nop and never 20. Do you have any tattoos? If so, how many and what are they?: nope but i wanna get one or two or three someday 21. Is your hair currently its natural color? Or is it dyed?: natural i guess. dyin it costs 22. What color is your hair right now? dark brown 23. Is your general outward expression masculine or feminine, or is it more androgynous? What do strangers most often recognize you as?: androgyne im pretty sure but i do have feminine qualities 24. Skin tone: pale and acne ridden. gros 25. Do you wear make up?: nno ★ RELATIONSHIPS, FRIENDS, FAMILY AND LIVING ★ 26. Do you prefer to have many friends or hold close just a few good friends?: i hold close to a few close ones 27. Do you have a best friend? What's their name? (List as few or as many as you'd like): yeppo froze who im living with rnnnn also otter 28. How / where did you meet your best friend(s) and for how long have you been friends?: froze ive known for like 10 years met on the internet. otter a bit less but samestory 29. Do you still live with your parents?: nope actually 30. Are your parents still married?: ya! 31. Were you raised by your biological parents or were you adopted?: biological parents. love them, lit the best parents 32. Do you get along with your parents?: ya i love them to bits  33. How about with the rest of your extended family?: I love most of my family tbh we’re mostly good folk 34. Do you have any pets? If so, how many?: I got 2 cats 1 dog and 1 hamster. the doggo and hamster live at my parents’ tho 35. Do you prefer to have cats, dogs or both (or neither)?: cats I think but I love my doggo to bits... 36. Are there any animals you don't have but would like to have someday?: possibly? im pretty content with these asshairs rn 37. Do you have any siblings?: yeee 38. If so, how many?: one big brother 39. Are you an only child, the youngest, oldest or the middle child?: youngest boy 40. If you have a sibling / siblings, do you get along with them? What's your relationship with them like?: we get along really well! my brother is such a sweetheart and i love him so much 41. Are you in a relationship?: yes 42. What's your romantic / sexual orientation?: uh confusing. im just into some people 43. Are you monogamous or polyamorous?: mono. pls. im too jealous for that stuff 44. If you're in a relationship, what's your partner's name?: Dandan 45. Are they a boy or a girl?: boyo 46. How long have you been together?: lil over 6 months 47. Where did you meet them?: omg. via rp. omegle. 48. How long have you known them?: like a year and a half? 49. Is your significant other your best friend?: like. in a significant other way! we’re really close but like. i like to keep my friends and lovers separate for reasons 50. Are you long-distance or do you live close to them?: long distance 51. If you're long-distance, have you ever met them in person?: not yet but plannin 52. Have you had your first kiss?: ye not with him but we dont talk abt that 53. What's your favorite thing about your partner(s)?: he’s really loving and emotional and obviously loves me like. a whole lot. and he can also withstand me being completely gross so like. a gift? he’s a gift. 54. Are you happy in your relationship?: ye ye 55. How many exes do you have?: uh. 4? ★ SOME MORE PERSONAL STUFF ★ 56. Do you have a collection of anything? Or would you like to collect something in the future?: mugs.... 57. Do you have a job?: nah i go to school 58. If so, where do you work or are you self-employed?: i do commissions sometimes 59. Last person you called: me mome 60. Do use alcohol?: not really no. on very rare occasions  61. Do you use tobacco?: no ew 62. Do you use any other (currently) illegal substance(s)?: no ew 63. What's your favorite food and drink?: mnt dew and uh fish i think 64. What type of clothing do you wear most often (Tshirts, hoodies / sweatshirts, etc.)?: like long lazy shirts 65. What color is your underwear? black 66. What's your favorite type of kind of pants to wear (shorts, sweatpants, joggers, skinny jeans and so on)?: just underwear or lazy sweatpants  67. Favorite television and / or Netflix shows?: bhhh hard to say i dont watch a lot. some trash reality. 68. Do you play video games? What are some of your favorites?: ya I do. re6 i enjoy. but anything really 69. Do you prefer to play games on consoles or PC?: both, froz introduced me to pc gamin after years of consoling. 70. Favorite movie genre(s)?: action comedy 71. Have any favorite movie movies to watch?: kingsman was real good 72. What kind of deodorant / perfume / cologne do you wear?: just. something neutral 73. Favorite soda(s): mnt dew  74. Do you eat sweets? What's your favorite candy?: this finnish chocolate type. but chocolate in general 75. Ever done anything illegal?: uh. i cant really recall?? ★ PERSONAL BELIEFS, CONTROVERSIES AND OTHER VIEWS ★ 76. Religious / spiritual beliefs (if applicable): agnostic prob 77. Do you attend any sort of religious services regularly (like church)?: not anymore omg 78. Do you believe in a higher power (god / gods, spiritual beings, some sort of creator)?: no and yes idk 79. How about evil? Do you believe in demons, the devil or other inherently malicious beings? yeah kinda 80. Angels and demons? not in that kinda way i guess but ye??? 81. Ghosts and / or other crypids? im scare but not really on cryptids but i believe in ghosts on some level 82. How about aliens? ya 83. Pro-life ("Abortion is murder") or pro-choice ("Women should have the right to abort unwanted offspring")?: pro choice and i think pro life people are just. disgusting 84. What country do you live in and what is your political stance?: finland and no comment 85. Do you believe in witches, witchcraft and / or magic?: eh 86. Do you believe in equal rights among all people of all shapes, sizes, color, gender, sexuality and beliefs?: ye boy if youre peaceful youre fine in my books 87. Do you believe that keeping wild animals in zoos, aquariums or as pets is right or wrong?: to some extent it’s okay. but it’s hard to say so broadly 88. Thoughts on the death penalty?: id much rather people stay in jails for the rest of their lives 89. Thoughts on Donald Trump?: whoawee 90. Should marijuana be legalized for medical and / or recreational use?: not really 91. What are your views on humans creating organic, artificial life? ya sure i dont see why not 92. What about immortality? What are your views on humans searching for the key to eternal life?: no need it’ll be bad 93. Thoughts on overpopulation, what do you think we should do?: educate. help countries that need it. 94. Thoughts on the Flat Earth theory: stop 95. Thoughts on birth-control: absolutely ya 96. Is global warming a myth?: n o??? of course not omg 97. Are your beliefs more liberal or conservative?: no comment 98. Do you believe in Santa Claus and other holiday-related beings?: not really but sh

99. Thoughts on pit bulls. Do you think they're too dangerous to be kept as pets and should be banned? train em proper i dont care 100. Are you vegetarian or vegan? no. i wont be. if youre chill abt it all the power to ya ★ OTHER QUESTIONS ★ 101. Do you have your own computer?: a laptop ye 102. Do you have a mobile phone of your own?: yepo 103. Do you sleep with any stuffed animals and do you have any favorite plush toys?: i sleep with a tiger... 104. What color is your bedset?: depends 105. What is (are) your username(s)?: look at my current one. it me. 106. Do you prefer to draw digitally, traditionally or do you do a bit of both?: digital 107. Do you draw (digitially) with a tablet, mouse, trackpad or by some other means?: tablet 108. How long have you been on DeviantArt? whoa boy too long 109. What was the first website you regularly visited when you first started using the internet?: yt 110. Favorite band(s)?: coldplay, mother mother... 111: What are some of your favorite songs right now? family by mother mother 112. What platform / app do you use most often to listen to your music?: yt mostly 113. Are you missing any fingers, toes or teeth?: teeth ye 114. Ever go through a scene or emo phase?: uh not reeeallllyyy 115. Are you still in school? What grade are you in?: wow just. idk how to answer this. im in school. semi-uni?? 116. Have you ever failed a class?: no 117. Have you ever failed and had to repeat a whole grade?: no 118. Ever been suspended?: no 119. Have you ever been fired or almost got fired from a job?: nno 120. Have you moved away from your parents?: yeee

121. Do go to college / plan to go to college?: yeeeee 122. What color are your curtains?: pale 123. Ever broken a mirror?: no 124. What was your favorite thing to do as a child? all kinds of things. play. 125. What color are the walls in your bedroom? Is there anything decorative on them? purp n white. pic of my fam there. 126. Do you have your own room or do you share it with somebody? w the roomie! my homie! 127. Does your bedroom door have a lock on it? no 128. Can you drive? Do you have your learners permit or license?: i can do a drive and also am licensed 129. Do you like your ID / School ID photo?: been pretty long since that happened 130. What material is the floor in your kitchen made of (wood, tile, fake wood, etc.)?: tiles 131. What's your favorite book?: I quite enjoyed confessions

132. Do you like cereal? What's your favorite kind?: they dont sell them anymore... this chocolate puff things 133. What color is your wallet (if you have one)?: black asm y soul 134. Do you like milk? Do you drink it straight from the carton?: occasionally and nah das nasty when u sharin a house 135. Tag some friends: no 

[rueur]

Morning Pages No. 54

Monday 17th August - 8:00 AM

I was up at around 7:25, but I didn’t start this right away. And I’m okay with that, I mean I realise I need to be a bit more lenient with myself when it comes to building this practice back up again. Fear of failure is something that I really need to address if I want to attain any level of meaningful success, I know that. It’s been two and a half or so years since my last morning pages, and from what I can tell after briefly reading over and then half-heartedly publishing my last entry, in the last few months of 2017 and that one month in 2018, I seem to only write up these pages if I felt emotionally volatile, like I needed to express myself. If I associated negative feelings with this practice, it’s definitely clear why it didn’t stick like I wanted it to. This isn’t supposed to be a form of therapy or an outlet where I get to vent, even if I do get to vent. This is just supposed to be an opportunity for me to be honest with myself, which is something that I’ve been struggling to do for the last three years, if I’m going to be completely honest! 

It’s also worth saying that I didn’t start this up again of my own volition. Sarah’s put together a group on Facebook called ‘21 Days of Abundance’, where she’ll be setting 21 days of challenges which are supposed to aid us in our personal growth and support our ability to be mindful. Day 1 was setting yourself a personal goal or intention that we should aim to do on every single one of the 21 days. It has to be a measurable goal, so we’re more likely to achieve it. People chose things like ‘no screen time for an hour after waking’, or ‘meditate for ten minutes or so a day’, and those are both pretty honourable goals that I honestly might try and do alongside writing my morning pages. I mean I’ve definitely already failed with the screen thing today because the first thing that I did upon waking up was go to the bathroom with my phone and I absent-mindedly watched this Smosh skit called ‘Tinder for Hotdogs’ which was apparently a big vision of Shayne Topp’s. It was just an interesting narrative to follow rather than being a skit, actually it was kind of like a meta skit. Like the ‘Moby Dick’ narration he tried in that one ‘Try Not To Laugh’ video with Gus Johnson. 

Evan just came and put a blanket on me because Lonzo just climbed out of bed very awkwardly - as he is wont to do - when Evan asked him to get out of bed to come and eat his breakfast. LONZO IS MY DOG. I realise in my last few entries, I was constantly talking about how I want a dog but I’m living in an apartment that was quite genuinely way too small for any kind of dog, but now I have a dog! And I don’t live in an apartment anymore! We’re in a house in Epping, and it’s beautiful out here. We have a whippet called Lonzo who was born on the 29th of May, 2018. We’ve had him since July, 2018. So yeah, of course these morning pages were written whenever I was feeling depressed and that’s exactly why I suppose I haven’t written them out in three years now. I’ve been quite happy, building myself up and finding or making opportunities for myself. Lonzo’s just returned back to me. He eats breakfast very quickly because we give him a mixture of meatballs and dry food, and he’ll eat all the microwaved meatballs and leave the dry food in his bowl and eat it throughout the day. I’d be okay with this if it wasn’t for Nicky, who’s always lurking around the food bowl and trying his best to eat Lonzo’s dog food as silently as possible so as not to raise the alarm, not just from Evan and me, but also from Lonzo too, who has quite astute hearing despite being a sighthound. Haha. Sorry. 

I’m thinking of Wren now. If I make a bad joke, I think of Wren. If I look through my photo album on my phone, I think of Wren. And I don’t like it. Wren’s not having a very good time in lockdown, and despite everything that’s going on in my life for myself, I feel like Wren not having a good time is kind of defining my own existence right now. They made the decision to live alone and to see multiple people at a time, and they’ve consistently made the decision to choose intoxicants over healthy, wholesome foods and practices. I’ve tried to talk to them about steps they can take to improve their emotional health and wellbeing right now, and they’ve rarely listened to me, instead asking that I give them all my time so that they can fill their void with jokes and absent conversation. Over a week or so ago now, they asked if we could video chat every day, and we did for two days, until a Thursday night when the chat didn’t happen because Wren had fallen asleep and I was waiting for them to initiate because I had just gotten home from work, and I was happy to chat, but I was also more than happy taking a back seat to it all and just kinda letting it happen to me, you know? But Wren fell asleep and it wasn’t a big deal. Cut to Friday evening around six-ish as I’m finishing up at work, and Wren messages me ‘What time is our video call tonight?’, not ‘Can we...’ or ‘Are we...’, just ‘What time...?’, and that honestly didn’t sit right with me. This is Melbourne’s second lockdown, and quite honestly, our first lockdown wasn’t too great for Wren and me, in regards to our friendship. Our friendship was in essence, largely under duress. I find it easier to talk about these shitty things like I’m a narrator in a Victorian novel. Somewhat. I don’t know. Now I feel like I’ve found a natural stall in my inner narrative voice. Stream of consciousness...am I even doing this right? Is the point to conjure stories out of nothing? Is the point to journal absent-mindedly? This isn’t really supposed to be therapy, as I said. And I don’t want to do this wrong again. I believe addressing my anxiety that’s linked to ‘doing this wrong again’ is just a part of addressing my fear of failure. Full honesty here, I went back to edit that sentence. I actually edit this as I write it because I’m a tiny bit of a perfectionist when it comes to my writing, and even though it’s stream of consciousness, I still want it to be grammatically correct and coherent. I’m thinking now that I want to swap the words so it’s ‘coherent and grammatically correct’, but I’m not going to edit that just to give you (me) an example of how much I do edit myself. I’m very proud of my work, even if this is work that only I will ever be able to see. I feel like I still need to talk about Wren though, even if this isn’t supposed to be a form of therapy. 

Wren took Sookie back, so we only have Nicholas and Lonzo. I want another cat. Everyone has cats right now! Lockdown cats! Sarah has Clancy, Nichole has Bishop, and Amy has her two cats Evie and oh my gosh I’ve forgotten the name of the other one...the two black cats that live with her and her three housemates in Heidelberg West, in their ‘witches coven’. I’m kind of glad that my mind has taken me away from Wren and towards cats, but also...I’m right back to Wren now too, to mention that Wren adopted a cat named Fern quite recently and I drove up to Woodend with them on the day of the adoption. I need to go to the bathroom, but I want to wait until I at least finish this page. I can be lenient with myself, but there has to be a limit, right? I feel like if I go to the bathroom right now, I’m not going to be coming back anytime soon because of my damn phone. I don’t entirely know where my phone is right now and I don’t mind that, but honestly I have been tempted every now and then during this writing exercise to use my phone to look something up, or at least check my socials and messenger to find the name of Amy’s second cat. Goddamn, yeah I need to go to the toilet. If I don’t go, then this is going to be all I write about for the rest of this page and that’s just no good. Yeah, I’m going to go. This isn’t even a question of self-discipline anymore, it’s just a question of not being dumb enough to ignore basic biological urges and fucking up your insides slowly over a number of decades until you’re an old person with incontinence. What the fuck. I need to go to the bathroom.

It’s 8:35am, so I didn’t lose much time, thankfully. It’s interesting though, when I was sitting on the toilet, I was really missing writing to the point where I honestly couldn’t wait to start my SEO stuff. I do some freelance content writing right now, too. It was a gig I got through Christian, which I’ve been thankful for for a couple of years now. I’ve been lucky enough to write for the most insane clients, but I feel like I shouldn’t mention anything here just as a bit of a precaution. I find it tricky to distance my work life from my social life, I suppose because I work a lot. I have four jobs. SEO stuff, tutoring, tech retail sales, and more freelance communications stuff. And uni, I’m still doing uni too, but only one subject this semester. I’m really not passionate about this master’s course that I’m doing. Does ‘master’s’ need an apostrophe? I added the quotation marks to ‘master’s’ to get that ruddy red line - or blue line, I forget - to disappear from my document. I guess if I keep digressing it must mean that I am in fact, doing stream of consciousness writing properly. I hate that last sentence. I’m losing the plot in all this concern for grammar, but the way I see it...it’s a skill that I have to offer my friends and loved ones. I’m happy to read anything over at any time and use my skills to help people get the things that they want. Dan wants to give me a few responsibilities with Zuri. I’m eager to help out, but I also don’t know how much time I’ll be able to dedicate to the project, what with all the other things I’m doing right now. Steve said he’ll help me out with some web design stuff, which I’m actually really looking forward to. I’m still not thinking about Wren. Except I am. I hate that I am. But I also feel guilty that I’m trying not to. Wren’s suicidal, because the world is in lockdown and they live alone. They can’t come here because of the 5km radius rule, and they sent me a message yesterday morning asking if they could come over and pretend to be my girlfriend, because exceptions are made for if you’re visiting an intimate partner. We’ve pretended to be an item before, that I have no issue with. But lying and also putting Evan at risk, because Evan is genuinely concerned about breaking any laws right now, due to the high penalties...I can’t do that. I can’t ask him of that. I’m concerned for my friend, but it’s also worth saying that they haven’t been a very good friend to me lately. They demand consideration, but they rarely give it in return. I don’t want to talk about this right now, because I’m at the end of my three pages. Even though...I suppose I do want to talk about this.