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floralseokjin · 6 years ago

Text

— crystallised 02 (m)

crystallised /ˈkrɪst(ə)lʌɪz/ (verb) make or become definite and clear

Six weeks, that’s all it takes to forget about the threesome you shared with your boyfriend, Yoongi, and your past...fuck buddy, Seokjin. After all, it’s no big deal. Yoongi and you are doing better than ever, there’s no reason to regret such a night shared. That is until you hear some gossip in the library one day, and then slowly, little by little, everything starts to fall apart... Can you begin to make sense out of all this confusion, or is it too late?

pairing; min yoongi x reader, kim seokjin x reader genre/warnings; love triangle (? if you can call it that, more so just a lot of confused feelings by everyone involved), college au, lots of flashbacks, smut, fluff (take it while you can), yoongi based chapter, angst…welp (sorry) words; 14,895

sequel to; memoirs of a mistake and lostmyhead

chapters; 01 ⤑ 02 ⤑ 03 ⤑ 04 ⤑ 05 ⤑ 06 ⤑ 07⤑ 08 ✓

Roughly five months previous

“So…uh…” Yoongi’s awkward sounding voice began by the side of you. You’d been set an individual assignment to do for the last hour of class, but no one was taking that into consideration, and the tutor hardly seemed to care that everyone was chatting away. You turned to Yoongi, watching him scratch the back of his neck. He seemed to always do that when he was nervous. Mostly when he was asked a question, put on the spot, his voice all low, bashful smile on his face… Not that you’d been paying much attention to him.

You hardly knew him really, had started talking to him because of this class. You saw him once a week when you sat next to him for two hours. You knew of him beforehand. Min Yoongi. Captain of the basketball team with an avid interest in music. Always have his earphones in. He’d only started taking them out in this class since you two had got friendly. Friends, maybe that’s what you were. Slightly. You enjoyed his company in this shitty class and he seemed to enjoy yours. You said hi when you saw one another on campus, and he even added you on Facebook not too long ago, liking your occasional selfies sometimes. (You ended up liking his too. He had a killer selfie game…) You’d even so recently studied together in the library a few times, gotten to know one another better. You’d actually be quite sad when this year would soon be over and this class was no more. He was funny, and quiet. Scrap that, he was normal. Better than most of the guys you knew or had known around here.

He sounded strange now though, and it caught your full attention, waiting for him to continue with a tilted head. “I was wondering if you–” He broke off to chuckle awkwardly.

“–erm, if you’d like to go out sometime…? I don’t know what you like…movies? Food? Both? Something different?”

His rushed words took a little time to sink in. When they did however, you couldn’t quite make sense of anything. Your cheeks felt hot, which was unlike you. Put on the spot and indeed taken by surprise would do that to a person, you guessed. Your heart was beating a little quickly too, dropping your gaze to your books. He was asking you out? On a date? You hadn’t been on one of those in so long. Your last boyfriend had hated shit like that, and well, Seokjin wasn’t dating material. Unless, you called hooking up in his bedroom a date, then you dated quite frequently… Yeah, you didn’t think so…

Deflecting. That’s what you did best, and weirdly nervous, this seemed the perfect time to start up again. “That’s different,” you mused, picking up your pencil to jot some notes down. Yoongi waited patiently. “You’re asking me out on a date date? Or is it a trick?”

“…A trick?” Yoongi puzzled.

“My track record with dates and guys hasn’t been… the best,” you explained, unsure why you were giving him the third degree. “Is this another trick? Another excuse?”

You managed to look up at him, one eyebrow raised. His cheeks were tinged a lovely shade of pink as he tried to fight for his words. You laughed, signalling you were only messing around and he shook his head. “No.” He insisted. “Ah, no,” he tried again, swallowing thickly. “I’m not like tha—I mean, I’m not into that…yeah…” He trailed off, giving up finally. He was just making it worse. Well, that’s what you figured he thought anyway.

It was actually quite cute. Maybe this was a test? Your subconscious testing his genuineness. It seemed to have some kind of effect on you anyway… Yoongi was a handsome guy, but it was his bashfulness that got you, his shyness… The guy could get nervy over the smallest of things. Cute. He was cute, and he was asking you out on a date… You were the nervy one now.

You went back to your work, pretty much shutting down the conversation, but your heart was still beating heavily in your chest. Yoongi went back his notes too, but he couldn’t sit still, pulling at his clothes and scratching the back of his neck like he had fleas. He was probably feeling like an idiot for getting turned down. You hated that. That wasn’t your intention, not really. Maybe if you really thought about it, Yoongi and you had been…flirting around lately? You were certainly more aware of his existence recently, content in his presence for those two hours a week, and the rest you’d spent studying. What did you really have to lose? Pretty much nothing. Yes, you and Seokjin were still fooling around, but that’s all it was ever going to be. He made that clear a lot, not that you were looking for more with him. Fuck no. It was just a complicated situation to be in. Thinking of the end... However, it was just one date… There really was no harm in it.

“So,” you began as class ended and you grabbed your bag, side-eying him almost coyly. God, you were flirting. It felt kind of exciting. “When do you want to do this?” Yoongi looked almost blank, trying to make sense of the turn in events. “Take me out? Are you free this weekend?”

He blinked away the shock, the strap of his backpack sliding down his arm as his hand went limp, and then he brightened up, the smile on his face making your heart feel weird. “I-I… Yeah, I’m free… C-can I take your number?”

“Oh, no,” Yoongi insisted, his hand reaching out to stop yours going into your purse. Your fingers touched and you were momentarily shocked by the warmth of his skin. You blinked up at him, coming to when he pulled away to reach for his wallet in his back pocket. “I’ll pay,” he shrugged.

“Really?” You asked, surprised in a different way now. You’d come from the movie theatre to a little diner across the road. You didn’t have the heart to tell him you were pretty sick of burgers because you worked around the smell sixteen hours a week. Besides, you really were having way too much fun to even think about what you were putting in your mouth.

“Unless you want to.” He backtracked, looking worried. Like he’d said something he shouldn’t. “Did I offend you? It’s just I wanted to take you out on this date so it’s only right I pay.”

“It’s fine,�� you smiled, letting him happily pay for your food. He’d already paid for the movie tickets online, so you’d just naturally taken it that you’d be splitting.

“But Yoongi,” you nestled up to him as you left the diner, looping your arm inside his. He froze for a second, taken aback by your forwardness. Truthfully you shocked yourself too, but it felt nice, and you carried on walking, slower than before, as he waited for what you had to say. “I agreed to come on the date, so it’s not like I was held against my will.” You laughed. “I’ll pay next time?”

“Next time?” He repeated, reaching his car at the same time. You nodded and broke apart, stopping beside him, feeling weirdly nervous. You hoped you hadn’t assumed wrongly. That would be the most embarrassing thing ever. You’d had fun tonight, and it would be sad if that was all it was. One night. You sort of wanted more. Was that wrong?

But no sooner had he processed your question, he was grinning. “Right… next time. Where do you want to go? You can choose.” He offered.

You had a lightbulb moment. “Oh, well… Actually never mind.” You shook your head before you could begin, realising it was probably a stupid idea.

“No, come on,” he insisted, fingers wrapping around your wrist as he tugged gently. Your heart jumped. You were not used to this. Your heart only ever jumped where sex was concerned. A date to watch a movie was usually not what made your pulse quicken. But here you were, desperate for a second one. “Where do you want to go?” He looked like he was eager to do whatever it was.

You looked down at your feet, and Yoongi’s fingers traveled to your hand, holding it loosely. You hadn’t held hands in while. You remembered you did it once with Seokjin just to freak him out, but that didn’t count because well, it was Seokjin. Your mind fleeted to him for a moment, wondering what he was doing right now�� You couldn’t help it. You’d felt a little guilty when you’d told him about the date. Even though you shouldn’t, and he wasn’t even bothered… Whatever. Now wasn’t the time.

“Well, it’s just I have two tickets at home for a textile exhibition at this museum pretty close by…but it’s tomorrow. So. Short notice.” You shrugged, easily giving him a way out if he found the idea too boring. Lina was supposed to go with you but it turned out she had to go visit her grandparents for the weekend. You could go on your own, it was no big deal, it’s just you had the spare admission.

“No. That’s fine,” he smiled. “I can do tomorrow. What time is it?”

“Noon.” You replied quickly, still unsure. “Are you sure? Do you like things like that?”

He chuckled, letting go of your hand to step backwards and open the passenger’s side for you. You got in as he spoke. “Textiles is like fabric, right? Clothes?” You nodded, laughing along. He shrugged. “I like fashion a lot.”

“That’s good then.” You suppressed your grin. You could tell Yoongi had some kind of interest in clothing by the way he dressed. No one was born with a fashion sense like that. Actually, that was one of the first things you’d noticed about him. Clothing always caught your eye. You waited until he was in the driver’s seat before you spoke again. “I major in fashion history and design.”

“You do?” He asked, sounding instantly interested.

“Yeah,” you lifted your shoulder casually.

You spoke in his car for an hour before he drove you home. You used the time to get to know one another more, telling him all about the major he previously didn’t know you did. You didn’t know he majored in physical education either, but it made perfect sense. He even invited you to one of his games next month. When he bid you goodnight he insisted on getting out his car, making plans on your doorstep to meet tomorrow morning. You were driving this time.

The exhibition date went really well. Yoongi even dressed up a little flashy. Texting you that morning to double check the dress code. You had never seen a guy suit a pair of loafers before, but there he was, looking fine as hell in them. If he found the place boring he didn’t let on, and he even helped you snap photos for your project that was due. By the end of the exhibition his fingers had found their way tightly laced with yours. You could get used to this hand holding lark, you thought to yourself.

The afternoon went by too quickly, and sadly you had to settle going for a quick coffee instead of finding a little café to eat at because you had work in a couple of hours.

“Where do you work?” He asked, looking interested.

You wrinkled your nose. “At Wendy’s”

“You don’t like it?” He chuckled. Even a fool could read your expression.

“No, I love smelling like grease all day.” The sarcasm tasted funny in your mouth before you shrugged. “It’s okay. Could be worse.”

He gaze on you lingered for a moment before he suggested something. “Wouldn’t you like to work somewhere a little more suited to your passion?”

“I don’t know,” you said, looking down at your mug. “I have thought about it…” To get out of that burger place would be a dream.

“Go for it.” He encouraged cutely. God. Cutely. What was up with you? It did make you giggle though. “It’ll look popping on your resume.” And then some.

“Popping on your resume,” you repeated, high pitched and in disbelief. “What are you? A middle aged uncle trying to be hip?”

“Shut up,” he whined quietly.

“But thank you,” you told him, reaching for his hand across the table to give it a grateful squeeze. “I’ll bear that in mind.” Your hands stayed like that until you were ready to leave.

He kissed you for the first time too that day. Or did you kiss him? You couldn’t really remember, it all happened so naturally. You were at your door again, both hands lightly holding one another’s as you said goodbye. This time there was no talk of a third date, but you could tell it was to be the natural progression.

He smiled down at you. You smiled back, and then your lips were meeting. It was a brief kiss, lasting no longer than 5 seconds, but it was warm, and gentle. Had your lips tingling all night, made work more bearable.

“You’re a really good kisser,” you told him as he pulled away, blinking a little too quickly, because you were not used to this feeling. You were not used to a small kiss making your knees weak and your head dizzy.

“Thank you.” He smiled, cheeks round, growing pink at the apples.

He text you just as you arrived at work, making you laugh out loud like an idiot, much to the puzzled eyes of coworkers, but you didn’t care.

Yoongi (17:45pm) Hi What I should have said was “you’re a good kisser too”

You (17:46pm) thank you why don’t you tell me that in person next time :’)

Yoongi (17:46pm) lol and when is this next time happening?

That evening you actually served people with a smile, much to the astonishment of your boss. Little did he know you were imagining every customer to be Yoongi.

Dating Yoongi was a new kind of fun. You’d never known the excitement something like that could bring. Although you were insanely sure it was because Yoongi was the guy in question. With each time you saw him, each time you messaged one another, you seemed to fall a little harder. It would be correct to say you’d never felt like this before. Your relationships in the past seemed to happen hot and fast, ended quite the same too. You were into them because you were attracted to them. Most of the time you didn’t take into consideration whether your personalities worked well together. But almost every time, you were left confused and dejected when things ended. You hid it well, but it was a little worrying to think how all your past relationships had ended so offhandedly. The last straw had been when your most recent ex had cheated on you. Nothing had made you feel more insignificant. Unwanted.

Granted, you had rushed into the hook up with Seokjin, but that was the exact difference. It was a hook up. You’d never done that before, and while dubious at it first, it seemed like the best thing you’d done concerning guys in general. There was no stress, no worry as to if he wasn’t into you as much, because all it was boiled down to was sex. In some ways the arrangement with Jin had been a breath of fresh air. A friendship had formed, and even though you teased one another back and forth continuously, you knew he thought so too. You were unofficial friends. Unofficial friends who fucked.

That’s why you were a little bit sad when things ended. Inevitable really. Things had been different ever since you’d told Lina. You couldn’t explain it, you’d just become more self-aware. More realistic. You couldn’t carry on this fuck buddy thing forever. It had to end sometime, and well, Yoongi showing an interest in you sped that process up. Since you’d shared that brief kiss with him there’d been some guilt tearing at your chest. With each kiss that followed it grew harder to ignore, and that was what made you acknowledge your feelings towards him in the end. You wouldn’t be feeling like this if what you and he were doing meant nothing. You didn’t want to continue this if you were still involved with Seokjin. It was unfair to both of them. You knew that.

Although Seokjin seemed unbothered by it. Expected, but it still seemed strange to leave his apartment one last time. The sex that night has been pretty shit, your mind elsewhere, worrying and wondering how things would go. Seokjin felt alien to you now that you were a little besotted with Yoongi. The things he said, the way he acted, they seemed different all of a sudden. He realised things were off too… Maybe that’s why it felt so strange. It was over just like that, you didn’t really have much time to dwell on it. You were instantly distracted, your new relationship with Yoongi taking up every thought and feeling you had.

The guilt gone, you felt freer than ever, could fall for him as hard as you wanted. Yoongi was different to any other guy you’d dated in the past. He was sweet, keen to take things slowly, and in the end that just drove you wilder. With each kiss and hug goodbye he gave you, you were beginning to itch for more.

“Want to come inside?” You asked him one night on your doorstep, one of his arms slung around your waist, one of yours around his neck. He’d just kissed you so painfully slow you thought you’d surely pass out, tasting hints of his tongue that you desperately needed more of.

He’d looked a little hesitant, but there was an offer of food to go with it, and that seemed too good to pass up. He’d taken you to a gig, one of his favourite bands were playing down town, and while super fun, there’d been nothing to eat there. You were starving by the end of the night and so was he it seemed. You made him cup ramen as he stood awkwardly by your refrigerator. Adorably cute as always.

“You live alone?” He asked. It was kind of hard not to notice the one roomed apartment. Small but cosy, you’d fallen in love with this place as soon as you’d viewed it. Your father had been quite pleased with how efficient (and cheap) the place was too, so that helped with getting your own way. You’d been desperate to move out for a while, and your parents had to let go of their baby girl some time. It wasn’t that far away from your family home though, so you didn’t have to admit you missed them quite yet, able to visit regularly.

“Yeah I moved in not so long ago thanks to my parents.” You smiled sheepishly. You paid all the bills that came with it, but admittedly, they paid the rent.

“Oh. I see.” He teased. “Someone’s spoilt.”

You laughed, acting affronted. “That’s what…” You trailed off, realising who you were about to mention. Seokjin always teased you like that. You were certain, although you couldn’t be sure, that Yoongi had no clue about your history with Jin. You’d debated on whether you should tell him or not, but the timing was never right and now it seemed pointless. Besides, there was no competition. If there was a choice, you’d chosen Yoongi. As soon as you’d realised your feelings, you’d stopped things with Seokjin. Simple.

“That’s not entirely true,” you started again, hoping your save worked. “They only pay the rent.”

Yoongi carried on smiling, stepping closer. If he noticed something, he didn’t let on. “Fair enough. But I guess that’s why you always let me pay for stuff, huh?”

“Lies.” You huffed, pushing his cup of ramen to him so he could take it, stopping him short of wrapping his arms around you. Which was a mistake, because you really wanted that. The flirting was fun though. “We share it as much as you let me.” He kept buying things in advance, refusing to tell you how much they were.

You showed him to your couch where you switched on the TV, hoping this would at least persuade him to stay a little longer tonight. You were still on a high from the gig, feeling all giddy inside when you remembered how he’d held your hips from behind, rested his chin on your shoulder. You were desperate to feel his lips on yours again. He hadn’t kissed you all night.

Once you’d finished eating, empty cups on your coffee table, you settled on watching some lame movie you’d found on one of the cable channels. You hoped as you shifted nearer to him it looked natural. You felt his gaze on you, and when you looked up, he was smiling fondly. Your heart did that fluttering thing again, but it didn’t have time to settle because he was cupping your jaw, leaning down to meet your lips.

The kiss was quick. He pulled away to wait for your reaction like he usually did. “Finally.” You murmured. “Took you long enough.”

He whined lowly. “We were eating. Remind me to put mints in my pocket next time.”

You rolled your eyes. “Like I care about that.” You’d taste the same in the end. That seemed to do the trick anyway, and soon he was kissing you again.

He was slow at first, like he usually was, but this time it wasn’t a kiss goodbye. It was just a kiss. A kiss you’d been longing for. For a while. His tongue swiped against your bottom lip, like it had many times before, but this time he didn’t just stop it at that. He didn’t just stop it when your tongue brushed against his, stealing hints like you did usually. This time he pushed deeper into your mouth, his hands gripping your face tighter, your arms wrapping around his shoulders.

It grew hot fast, your mind clouded instantly. No matter how long you’d hoped for this, you still weren’t ready, finding it hard to keep up with his constant change in motions. He kept switching from rampant presses of his lips against yours to wide strokes of his tongue. One of his hands moved to your side, gently squeezing and stroking the skin over your clothing.

“Yoongi,” you breathed, voice shaky when he pulled away to catch his breath. You were about a second away from climbing on top his lap, needing to feel his body against yours somehow, but like minded he began to settle you down into the sofa, following suit as he pushed his body into yours, meeting your mouth again.

This was even better. The feeling of his weight on top of yours as he ran his hands down your body carefully. The eagerness of his mouth and tongue. You clung to him, hands sliding down his back, one slipping under his hoody because you couldn’t help yourself, feeling the smooth skin of his back under your fingertips.

You were both out of breath, but he sounded so sexy, each exhale getting more and more laboured, almost panting against your mouth. You panted too, but each one ended in a sweet sigh and it seemed to drive him wild, tongue licking more determinedly, desperate to make you continue. When he groaned in the end, you couldn’t help but circle your hips into his, the heat between your bodies driving you wild, and that’s when you felt his erection against your inner thigh. Your hand slid out from under his hoody, pushing down against his hip instead, desperate to feel more. He gave it to you in the form of a grunt, grinding down against you.

Something changed that night between you. You’d never been so sure of your feelings.

“Are you going to make me cum still dressed?” You laughed weakly, pulling away from Yoongi’s mouth but still unable to stop grinding into him. You’d been making out for what felt like hours, Yoongi underneath you, straddled on your couch, where he was most nights since you’d invited him in the first time.

He didn’t reply, just gripped your ass, pressing you down on his hard on. It only reminded you how wet you were, underwear sodden, stuck to your core. You ached for some type of release, and if he kept this up, you’d cum soon. You couldn’t take much more, skin hot and sticky, uncomfortable.

“Yoongiii,” you whined into his mouth, sounding desperate. You hoped it would work. This had been the usual set up for a week or so. Practically dry humping like a pair of hormonal teenagers. It seemed to get worse every time. Sick of only feeling his dick, you wanted it inside you instead.

He pulled away from your mouth slowly, something in his eyes that told you he was unsure of something. When he spoke, you realised why. “You’re…you’re not still hooking up with Jin, are you?”

You were shocked to say the least, but you quickly realised how stupid you had been to think Yoongi had no clue about your past. Suddenly, Seokjin and you seemed like a dirty little secret. You panicked. Already fighting over words to try and explain everything but stopped yourself. He deserved the simple answer. At least, for starters.

“No,” you shook your head slowly, weaving your fingers into his shirt, looking down at him. “I ended that a little while ago.” You really needed to say more. It wasn’t enough. “Yoongi, I—”

“Good.” He cut you off, your mouth open in surprise, but before you could close it again, he was kissing you. Harder. Faster. Hands trailing down your body, slipping under your top, pawing at your clammy skin. “God, I want to feel you so bad.”

You moaned immediately. His words what you’d been longing to hear for a while. Up until now, the erection was the only real sign that had told you he was into you. Words never seemed to be his forte, but you took that as him just being quiet. However maybe he’d been worried about what type of relationship you had with Seokjin instead.

“Say my name again,” he asked into your mouth, one hand gripping your ass, kneading the flesh. Your head was a little thrown. You’d gone from horny and desperate to guilty, back to horny and desperate. You knew maybe deep down you should try and at least talk about the Jin thing, but Yoongi seemed like he couldn’t care less now that you’d given him a straight answer. Like he’d needed that confirmation and now everything was fine.

“Yoongi.” You gasped, giving him his request. “I want you too.”

“Cum first.” Your body jolted as his command. Woah, okay. Where did that come from? He pulled away from your mouth to smile a little, but he was out of breath, each exhale shaky and he jerked into your touch when you ran your hands down his chest, shuffling closer.

“Cum like this. You’re nearly there. I want to see your face.” He rasped, nudging his hips into yours. It really wouldn’t take you long. You’d worked yourself up all night. Longer than that even, and Yoongi was super hard. His dick rubbed against your core every time you circled over him, getting yourself off on his body as he watched. He stayed silent after his little outburst, which was hotter than you expected, and soon, under his gaze, you came. It was hard and fast, your body almost shivering as you lifted from him, fingers digging into his sides. It was one of those orgasms that were an odd mix between satisfying and frustrating. Satisfying because it knocked you for six, but frustrating because a) you’d given it to yourself, and b) you wanted Yoongi more than ever now.

“Shit,” he muttered as your hands raced for his fly, unzipping him clumsily. You were acting with a buzzed mind, desperate and impatient. You needed to see him, get your hands on him. You needed to feel his dick in your hand. “Aw, y-yeah,” he panted when you finally did, jutting into you, desperate for some friction.

“Yoongi, you’re so hard,” you murmured, looking at him with your mouth parted slightly. He was so hot and solid against your palm you wondered if it was painful in any way. It just made you want him more, owning the fact you’d made him this hard.

“Gonna explode,” he strangled out with a weak chuckle, eyes fluttering downwards as he watched you rake your fist over him. “God.” He groaned, digging his fingers into your hips. “Can we? I mean,” he shook his head, correcting himself. “You want to have sex?”

You could have screamed yes from the rooftops, nodding your head widely. “Took you long enough,” you whined, wrapping your arms around his neck as you moved closer, letting him tug your shorts down. His hands squeezed at your ass, fingers hooking under your underwear to pull that down too, and you worked together to wiggle and kick them down your body and onto the floor. He pushed you back so he could get a look between your legs, satisfaction audible as he began to rub two fingers across your folds.

No. You were going to blow up if you didn’t feel him inside you immediately. You couldn’t take much more, especially as you felt his dick graze against your core, making you physically ache. “Condom?” You rushed out, looking down at him, shaking him slightly. “Do you have a condom?”

“Back pocket, back pocket.” Words jumbled out of him, just as impatient, and you practically lunged behind him, hand grabbing for his wallet clumsily as he tried to hover, letting you reach. “Fuck,” he grunted in frustration as you struggled. It would definitely be easier if you broke apart for a moment, but that didn’t seem possible, and finally you fished the leather out of his pocket, opening it and searching for the little foil packet. You found two, grinning at him. “You came prepared.”

He gave you a sheepish smile but was too horny to let your teasing embarrass him, his hands falling to his crotch to tug his jeans down. Excited, you grabbed a condom and ripped it open, bringing it to his dick. “Ready?”

He nodded as you slipped it on, cupping your face to pull you closer. He kissed your mouth gently. “If I cum immediately I swear I can go again. Just give me ten minutes.”

“Yoongi,” you whined weakly as he chuckled.

“What? It’s true,” he grinned, wrapping his hands around your waist to lift you up and align you with his dick. “Now, quit making me wait any longer.”

You scoffed in disbelief. “You’re the one that made us wait.”

He kissed you again, smiling into your mouth before you broke apart. “You can’t rush a good thing.” Your heart fluttered, smiling too. That seemed about right. The longer you’d waited, the happier you’d gotten. Your face may split in half from all the grinning, still there when he slowly stretched you out, never taking your gaze off one another.

“You good?” You asked breathlessly, once he’d bottomed out, chests rising up and down in sync.

He hummed, closing his eyes for a moment. “Feel like I’m in heaven.”

“Wow, cringe,” you rolled your eyes, wrapping your arms around his neck as you began moving.

Yoongi made no attempt to speak again, but at this point it didn’t throw you anymore. His silence still made you wet, still got you hot, and by the way he was looking up at you as if you owned his entire world, that was enough. He came in a sweat, arms wrapped tightly around your middle as he stiffened, panting loudly together. When he came to, he tugged at your top, words blending into one another, voice low. “I need to get you out of these clothes.”

Forty-five minutes later you found yourself wrapped inside your sheets in bed, sticky with sweat and out of breath. Yoongi really wasn’t joking around when he said he could go again. It felt nice to lay beside him, your head on his chest as he played with your fingers, and in the comforting silence, you felt the urge to apologise.

“Yoongi,” you began, spreading apart from him so you could see his face. He looked at you questioningly. “I’m sorry I never told you about Seokjin.” In hindsight, that seemed like a terrible idea on your end. Yes, maybe Seokjin and you were nothing serious, but that still didn’t mean you should’ve kept it a secret. It should’ve been the first thing you’d told him.

His expression softened, hand reaching to brush through your hair lightly. “You didn’t really need to,” he shrugged. “Pretty much everyone knew.” His casualness relieved you a little, but if you really thought about it, that made it worse because he knew that you were staying silent. Not that he seemed to mind. You heard him chuckle, pulling you out of your thoughts. “I saw you together at that party once, remember?”

No wonder everyone knew. How had you been so oblivious? What would people think now? You’d gone from one guy to another. No, you couldn’t think like that. What did it matter anyway? Who cared what people thought. You knew the truth. “What party?” You wondered, curious as to why he seemed so amused.

You couldn’t even remember what party he was referring to, but he seemed a little sheepish as he shrugged, a smile playing on his lips. “It’s nothing.”

“No, c’mon,” you urged, rolling back into him. You were interested now, wanting to recall that night. It couldn’t have been bad if he found it funny. “Tell me,” you grinned as he wound his arms around your waist, squishing you into his warmth. It was hard not to kiss him outright. But if you did that, you’d just get distracted, and you were trying to do the right thing here and talk.

He lifted his shoulder again, but gave in. “It’s just I went to get you a drink that night. I saw you on your own.” You frowned, trying to rack your brains. “And right as I was coming through the doorway you came whizzing out. Straight upstairs.” He laughed at his own misfortune, making sure to look you in the eyes as he finished. “You came down with him half an hour later…”

Oh. You remembered now. That was the night Seokjin insisted you fuck him in a closet. How could you forget that Yoongi had been there? Thinking back, the memories became clearer. You had liked what Yoongi was wearing that night. You’d said hi to him. Did he ever say hi back? If he saw you that night with Jin, you couldn’t really recall, and now you felt bad…

“I’m sorry,” you winced, pulling a face. It was lame, but you meant it.

“No, don’t be,” he shook his head, smiling. “It’s kinda funny.” It made you feel better to know that he wasn’t bothered by the past. “Doesn’t matter now anyway,” he added, your heart stopping when he kissed you. You got lost for a moment, just enjoying the way his mouth felt against yours. You really could kiss him forever and never get bored. “I can’t believe this actually happened though,” he admitted when he pulled away, your noses rubbing together slightly.

God. When had you ever felt this content? It was a foreign feeling, one you had never felt before, and deep down you knew you owed it to yourself to be truthful. You were sometimes so scared of being happy and just letting yourself feel, that opportunities past you by. You didn’t want Yoongi to pass you by. You wanted him to stay. He was a good guy.

“Yoongi…” You began, voice slightly shaking with nerves. He tilted his head, a hand playing up your back. You took a deep breath. “I like you. A lot.” You had never been so honest in all your life. You could hear your heart thudding inside your chest. You didn’t give him a chance to reply, already freaking out. “Is that scary? It sounds scary.”

“No,” he exclaimed, moving to cup your face. “No, why would it be scary?” He chuckled.

“I don’t know,” you admitted, voice small. It was scary because you had just confessed your feelings. It was scary because he may not like you back. It was scary because it didn’t seem real. It was scary because this was all new… You could go on, but for some reason, you couldn’t tell him all that.

“It’s not scary at all,” he insisted. “It’s brilliant, because I like you too.” Your eyes widened, still unable to get your hopes up, but he carried on and it was getting harder and harder to stay pessimistic. “More than a lot. Just wasn’t sure you liked me back,” he smiled. “Now I am.”

He found your lips again. You got lost once more. This was really happening. Everything really was working out. “So, what does this mean?” He asked eventually, when you were out of breath from all that kissing. “We’re dating?”

“I thought we were dating this whole time,” you said, voice small. Dates meant dating, right? That’s what you’d been doing for weeks.

He smiled and nodded, like he’d needed confirmation. “We were. Okay, so…” He raised an eyebrow. “We could make it official? Boyfriend. Girlfriend.”

“I’d like that.” You’d more than like that. You could probably keel over from how happy you were right now.

“I’d like that, too.” Another kiss. This time he flipped you on your back, rolled on top of you. Once again you were getting sticky under your sheets, out of breath and pulsing with desire. “You know what else I’d like?” He hummed, running a hand down your stomach, hair a little messy from where you’d run your fingers all through it. “To taste you…”

That was the night you found out Yoongi had been blessed by the pussy eating god. You came fast, in a daze, legs shaking, wondering how you’d lucked out so good. Yoongi was a little worse for wear. It turned out going down on you really got to him too. He was hard again, dick brushing between your legs and he whined in your ear, annoyed with himself. “I really wish I’d carried more than two condoms with me.”

You giggled, reaching for his tongue, tasting yourself. “It’s okay.” He let you roll him over easily, watching you curiously. He looked good in your bed, you thought to yourself. If you had your way, he’d never leave. You smirked. “How about I return the favour?”

You’d never really considered yourself a nostalgic person. The past was the past for a reason, and you rarely let yourself get caught up in memories. However, that was changing now. It had been three days since the party and three days since you’d seen Yoongi. You were too scared to message or call him, especially because he hadn’t made any attempt to either, and you’d grown sick of religiously checking your phone every few minutes. You didn’t want to assume you were over, especially because there had been no argument involved, but you had a bad feeling in your gut, and with the radio silence, all you had were your thoughts.

All you had was time to think about how good things had been and now wondering what went wrong? Nothing made sense. Why would Yoongi suggest such a crazy thing? Another threesome? It seemed so absurd, so unneeded. You’d been so happy for these past few weeks, ever since… Maybe you were stupid. You’d been a little deluded, thinking what happened between you, Yoongi and Seokjin was a good thing. Unconventional yes, but it had seemed to work… There had been no consequences. Until now…

Now, the first point of call was to blame yourself. Thinking back to the beginning of your relationship with Yoongi, everything had been perfect. You replayed the memories over and over before bed at night. Yes, he wasn’t what you were used to, and sometimes he was hard to read, but you never questioned his feelings towards you. You’d never questioned yours either. You’d just questioned your compatibility. Sometimes it felt like he didn’t get you. Sometimes it felt like something was missing. Was it a sexual thing?

So what if he liked to stay silent? So what if you didn’t have sex as often as you were used to? It seemed silly now to know you’d felt that way. It was the most minuscule problem in the world, but somehow you’d found yourself comparing everything to how it was with Seokjin. Or at least the sex. Because that’s all you and he ever had been. Maybe you could try and blame him? Seokjin was the one who’d messaged you that night, but it just felt wrong to place all the responsibility on his shoulders. You hadn’t ignored him, you’d played along, and you’d enjoyed it.

But why had Yoongi said yes? You shouldn’t blame yourself if he agreed to the threesome, if he’d enjoyed himself. Because he had. He was different that night, but it felt natural. Like he’d been holding back on you, and things had changed. Afterwards, you were happier than ever. You were closer. The sex got better, and even though you both outright didn’t acknowledge the threesome after that, you were on the same page. But that night was supposed to have been a one off.

So you guessed you weren’t on the same page because he’d tried to make it happen again. Why, you were stumped. It made you question everything. You had no desire for a repeat. You were under the impression Yoongi and you were working towards something more serious. This was the longest relationship you’d been involved in. An actual relationship. Where you labelled it just that. How could you have been so wrong? There was no other explanation. The first threesome had happened when you were both maybe feeling the uncertainty of a new relationship, but to ask for a second when you thought you guys were as fine as ever was a blow your heart couldn’t handle. Especially because you had no explanation from his end.

Yoongi was supposed to be different to the other guys you’d been with in the past, but right now you weren’t so sure. You were lost, relationships like this over your head. You didn’t know how to handle it. You didn’t know how to solve it. You’d always looked at Yoongi for some direction, but now he was nowhere to be seen…

That’s why you were so relieved when he turned up at your door a day later. Any anger you had at him for pretty much ignoring you dispersed as soon as you saw his face. It was a little pathetic, but you didn’t care.

“Hey,” he greeted you. A tiny sheepish smile tugging at one side of his mouth, hands in his front pockets. “Can I come inside?”

You nodded quickly, stepping back to let him in. You were still a little shocked to see him, honestly about to hit the hay and call it a night not moments before even though it was only 7pm. Classes had been shitty today, and it was getting pretty difficult pretending things were okay between you and Yoongi when it came to Lina. She still had no clue about your threesome, so you couldn’t very well confide in her now. Besides, she was on cloud nine after going on a date with the guy she’d met at the party, so you didn’t want to be a downer.

“I’m so, so sorry,” Yoongi started immediately as he shut the door. For a moment those words scared you. Were they a I’m sorry but it’s over kind of apology, or I’m sorry, please forgive me? You stayed silent, not really trusting your own voice. He continued.

“About everything. The other night. The awkward, stupid predicament I put you in.” He raised his hands to his head, tugging at his grey beanie. He sounded sorry at least. The dread left you a little. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s okay,” you reassured him. Almost immediately.

He shook his head, insisted. “No, it’s not.”

“Yoongi.” You stepped closer to him. “I’m just glad you’re here…apologising.” And you were. For days you thought you wouldn’t even have that. You were scared things would just fizzle out without an explanation. That’s how things usually went for you. The relief flooding through your body right now was something you’d longed for.

“I was really, really drunk,” he said, stopping and starting as he hovered like he couldn’t relax. “I lost my head a bit, and I’m embarrassed.” He couldn’t look you in the eyes, and you felt bad for him, reaching for his hand. He stopped in his tracks, finally his gaze flickering over your face. “I didn’t know if you wanted to see me. You didn’t message me, so I…”

“I didn’t think you wanted to see me.”

“No, what?” He sounded guilt-ridden, his hand squeezing yours. That was the first bit of physical reassurance he’d shown you. “Please don’t ever think that.”

“You said you didn’t want me to go with you.” Your voice was small, and now it was your turn not to look him in the eyes. To feel unwanted wasn’t something you enjoyed, regardless if you were imagining it or not.

“I know,” he murmured. “That’s just because I felt awful over everything.”

That did make sense. He was embarrassed because of what happened. You would be too. But still… You didn’t really have a clear enough explanation. He was very drunk that night, yes, but why was his first thought to proposition Seokjin and you? It was really out of character. It didn’t make much sense. Why he’d want a redo if you were happier than ever… You could question him more. Or at least try to, but what use would that do? His apology was sincere anyway, you could tell that. You knew him. Pressing for a logical reason probably wasn’t the best thing to do. You just wanted to forget about it. Move on and pretend it never happened.

You stretched a smile across your face. It wasn’t fake. It was just a little hard to do. “That’s okay then.”

He looked over your face, like he was trying to read your expression. He must’ve seen something he was hoping for because slowly he wound his arms around your middle, smiling softly. “I’m sorry for leaving you there. With him…”

The distaste in his voice took you by surprise. Yes, it seemed like he and Seokjin weren’t the biggest fans of one another, Yoongi had tried to fight him after all a few nights ago, but like he said, he was drunk. You really weren’t expecting the outright disdain. Maybe because you never really spoke about the other guy, and more so because Yoongi had been the one to suggest a repeat. He couldn’t have it both ways. That just didn’t make sense.

“It’s fine,” you reassured him, wanting the awful experience just to be over. There was no point keeping it going. What good would it do? “Seokjin and I talked for a bit. He’s okay with it,” you shrugged offhandedly.

“It’s not really fine though, is it?” He persisted. “Nothing happened, did it?” Your heart stopped. What did that mean? Was he asking you if something happened between the two of you? The near kiss popped into your head. If it was even that. Seokjin had intercepted it so well you couldn’t be sure if you’d even tried in the first place. You hadn’t wanted to kiss him, you’d just been upset that night. Seokjin had been nothing but a friend. For the past couple of days you couldn’t even let yourself think about him anyway, too distracted with Yoongi and your relationship near to tatters.

“He wasn’t a dick to you?” Yoongi continued, confusing and easing you at the same time. He wasn’t asking you if anything happened, but he was making stupid assumptions.

“What? No,” you chuckled awkwardly. “He’s not like that. He’s…” You stopped yourself from sticking up Seokjin. What good would it do? It was pretty irrelevant. It had nothing to do with Yoongi and you. Nothing to do with your relationship. “It doesn’t matter. Let’s just forget about it,” you shook your head, hooking your arms around his neck.

It was strange. You’d resolved things but it still felt weird. Yoongi was acting strange, not like him, and you damned the evening you’d ever agreed to go to that stupid party. It had fucked everything up and it wasn’t fair. You just needed to forget it ever happened. Murmuring his name you kissed him firmly, wanting to distract him. Make things better. It took him a moment to kiss you back, but once he did that didn’t matter anymore.

“I missed you,” you told him as you broke apart, tilting your head.

He viewed you once again, gaze lingering, reading you. It was like he was searching for something, a reaction from you. When he smiled and reached for your lips again on his own accord, you felt like you’d passed whatever silent test he’d created. You didn’t care anyway, not when you were in his arms.

“I’m sorry again,” he said when you began dragging him to the sofa. “It’s okay if I stay?” He asked, when the back of your knees hit the cushions.

“Of course!” You exclaimed, pouting. “Unless you want to leave…”

He laughed and shook his head, popping down and tugging you with him. You relished each tug of his mouth, each swipe of his tongue. His arms still wrapped around your body, holding you to him. Your hands slipped under his hoody, wanting to just feel him. Just to feel close in any way possible after you’d been so sure it was over.

He stopped you soon after that, wrapping his fingers around your wrists. “Hey, wanna just lie here?” He asked softly, kissing your forehead.

You nodded. “Yes, please.” To be honest, whatever he thought you were trying to do had been wrong. You were just content with cuddling him, being close in other ways. Kissing and feeling were enough, just to remind you that you guys were okay and happy. He’d probably mistaken your wondering hands, no big deal.

“Tell me about your day. What you’ve been up to these last few days…” He hummed as you laid your head on his chest, one of his hands playing with the ends of your hair.

And you did. You talked for so long it reminded you of the start of your relationship where you were just getting to know one another. You spoke for so long you began to get sleepy, eyes feeling heavy and droopy until you were practically asleep. You could tell he’d nodded off too, and you couldn’t wait to follow, but then your brain betrayed you. In the silence it had time to start up again. You were doing an awful lot of thinking lately.

You should’ve felt happy. At ease now that Yoongi and you had made up, and while yes, you’d spent the evening catching up and acting like usual, something still felt off. You were on edge for some reason, and you hated it. You’d never felt on edge with Yoongi. But now you were impatient, waiting on something you didn’t know. Didn’t understand. Why did your relationship seem stagnant already? Like you’d come to a stand still. Hit an imaginary wall. You’d been together for a few months, shouldn’t things have gotten to the next level by now? Feelings should have grown to their full capacity. You were sure of it, but they seemed to be lying dormant instead. There were no love confessions, no sappy words. In all honestly, that confused you. Like you were expecting something that didn’t seem to be coming. Maybe in the deepest part of your mind this felt like a waste of time.

You’d felt like this once before. Not earning for more, just bored with what you had. With Seokjin. This feeling right now. It was just like how you’d felt before you began dating Yoongi. Impatient for no reason. Bored and dejected. That scared you. It scared you more than anything. Yoongi was the one. You were sure of it. So why did you feel like this? Why were you letting yourself think of Seokjin right now?

He hadn’t crept into your mind for so long. Not since the Sohee thing anyway. The library incident had messed with your head, but even after last weekend, you still ploughed on, too preoccupied with your relationship to think about how much you’d enjoyed his company as he’d talked to you and walked you home the night of that party… How surprisingly it wasn’t awkward, despite the last time you’d seen him, the last time you’d slept together… How much his reassurance had comforted you when he’d told you there’d been no one else since Sohee. Just you. You. Seokjin and you.

What you and he had was once upon a time a friendship. A fucked up one, but it was still a friendship. You hadn’t realised what you would be throwing away once you ended things and got serious with Yoongi. What would’ve happened if you’d never given Yoongi a chance? If you’d never gone on that date? Would you still be hooking up with Jin? Or would it have fizzled out? Maybe he would have been the one to end things. The thought made your heart feel weird. It was getting dark outside now, and with the night brought even more confusion. You could hear Yoongi’s faint breathing, feel the way his chest moved under your head, but now your mind was running away with you.

It wasn’t Yoongi. It was Seokjin. You wondered what it would feel like to have him hold you like this. It would have to be the twilight zone, but just imagine. When he’d hugged you the other night it had felt nice. It made all your memories with him flood to the front of your brain. Like you said, you had never been a nostalgic person, but something was changing. Everything was changing. Without your agreement, and you didn’t know how to stop it. No matter how hard you wanted to…

Things continued to feel off for a couple more weeks. On the outside looking in, Yoongi and you looked the same as you had for months. You hung out at one another’s apartments, met up for lunch on campus, held hands, but… You still had the incomplete feeling in your chest. Something was missing. You just didn’t know what. When had everything turned so stale? Like you were just going through the motions, and this time you couldn’t try to blame yourself. In fact, you were trying really hard to get things back on track. It was Yoongi that seemed to be resisting.

“Yoongi,” you murmured, wrapping your arms around him tighter, attempting to pull him closer. To meet your lips.

“Mhm,” he hummed against you, not even bothering to kiss you back as his hands slide down your naked body to grip your hips. “Turn around, baby.” He said, lips brushing down your chest before he turned you over. You would have preferred to stay as you were, to see his face, to be able to kiss him, but you couldn't find it in you to complain, not when it felt so good, pleasure clouding your mind.

“Yeah, that’s more like it," he grunted as you got on your knees, hearing the moan tear from the back of your throat when he slid back inside you. He spanked your ass lightly before grabbing the flesh, thrusting into you harder. “Yeah, you like that." Your noises encouraged him, drilling into you faster. Your orgasm was close, and you clenched your eyes shut, face pressed into the pillow as it hit you.

“Always so good for me,” he groaned, not taking long to finish now that he could feel you squeezing around him. He came inside you, pulling out of you quickly. You felt instantly empty. A little cold too, as he touched your back, motioning for your attention. “Wanna clean up first or should I?”

“You can,” you mumbled, twisting your head to see him already grabbing his sweatpants and making his way to the bathroom.

That was it? No kiss? In fact, it seemed like you were always initiating the kissing these days. Ever since the party and the make up things had changed. It was so subtle maybe you wouldn’t have noticed if you weren’t already feeling iffy. Apologises were meant to make things better not worse, else what was the point? Tonight was the first time Yoongi flat out hadn’t kissed you after sex. Usually there were a few shared after the come down, a cuddle and some pillow talk. Not escaping to the bathroom first chance he got. Did he realise how shit that made you feel? Like you weren’t worried already…

You were still lying there when he came back, lost in thought but too scared to bring it up. Expressing feelings didn’t seem to be your forte, and that was okay when you were both on the same page. Now it seemed like one of you had lost it. But you didn’t know which one.

“Your turn,” he said, in his defence a little lighter than previously, a slight smile on his face as he jumped into bed. He turned to face you, running his hand down your arm, and thankfully he kissed you. It was only small, but it was enough. Maybe you were being stupid. Worried for nothing, expecting too much. “Quick,” he urged. “You’ll get cold butt naked like that.” You giggled and listened, sitting up to grab your pyjamas.

When you came back from the bathroom, Yoongi was curled up on his side, face hidden by the covers. You quietly crept over to the bed, full intentions of just getting inside too and curling behind him, but that was easier said than done. You wanted to just talk with him and it was still early. Ask him how his day had been. You didn’t have much time earlier, he was getting you naked before you could wonder how he was. Yeah, pillow talk would be nice. Especially now that you were feeling happier.

“Yoongi,” you whispered, hands on his shoulders. You waited in the silence. “Yoongs.” You sung quietly, shaking him a little.

He groaned, voice sounding muffled by the pillow. “What do you want?”

You lifted your shoulder, kissing his cheek. “To cuddle…talk…”

“I’m tired,” he sighed.

You nuzzled into his neck as best you could, wrapping your arm around his middle. You knew he was exhausted after practice, but what you wanted him for wouldn’t take a lot of energy. “I just want to cuddle you.” You hoped you sounded cute.

“Please stop being so annoying.”

It had the opposite effect. Maybe he didn’t mean to sound curt, but you couldn’t help but take it the wrong way. You pulled away from him instantly. “You think I’m annoying?” You asked. “Thanks.” You didn’t want the wobble in your voice, but it was there anyway.

“Oh, come on,” he exclaimed, turning to face you, immediately sensing the tone to your voice. “Don’t get mad over that.” He had the nerve to sound bemused, like he couldn’t understand why you were so offended. You turned your back to him, staring at the opposite wall, trying to ignore the buzz in your head. Confrontation was a new one for you guys.

You felt him move closer, the mattress dipping. He said your name. “Of course you’d be annoying if you’re trying to keep me awake.”

That didn’t cut it. It wasn’t just the comment. Under normal circumstances it wouldn’t have even bothered you. He’d probably called you annoying before, but tonight it was different. There was a weight to his words. Another meaning. The fleeting hope you’d had earlier was now torn to pieces. Nothing had changed. Well, something had changed. That was the issue. Everything you’d built together was slipping away. You couldn’t ignore it any longer.

You twisted around suddenly, sitting up to stare at him. “You know, if you were so tired you could’ve just not come over tonight.”

He frowned, shaking his head as he laughed in disbelief. It made you angrier. He probably thought you were overreacting. “Or, better yet. How come you’re too tired to talk and just lay with me but not too tired to have sex with me?!”

Your apartment was beginning to feel suffocating. The words were out, you couldn’t take them back. Yoongi and you had never had an argument. Not in all these months. Now you were on your second in just two weeks. You were scared because all the worries you’d had lately were spilling out of you. You couldn’t stop them. You hadn’t even let yourself think them properly, so it was just as eye opening for you as it was for him. You were shocked at yourself.

He stared at you, expression hardening. For a minute you thought maybe he was about to help you out. To explain why things had felt so different since the party, but instead he shot you down. “It’s not that deep.” He sighed, two arms folding behind his head as he leant against the headboard. “You’re overthinking everything.”

“No, don’t do that.” You said flatly. He refused to look at you. “Don’t make it seem like I’m the problem?” You would not have him make you believe you were just imagining all this. Why couldn’t he just acknowledge something was up. You hated pretended, and that’s exactly what he was doing right now.

“You’re the one making the problem!” He exploded, raising his hands up in the air in bafflement, but still making sure to keep his voice down. That just infuriated you even more. “We can talk tomorrow. What’s so urgent? Fuck.” He kicked back his head as he cursed, this time a lot louder. The bed frame shook a little.

You were shocked by his outburst, but did he really not understand at all? Why was he pretending nothing was wrong, when he knew more than you. He was the one who had changed. He was the one acting so strange, doing things out of character. This wasn’t the relationship you once had. Why couldn’t he admit that? What had changed and when?

The silence ballooned around you and then you were speaking again. Your words heavy, sinking. “I feel like you’re only into me when we have sex.” Your heart was beating with the realisation. Now that you were letting it out, it wouldn’t stop. This was how you felt. Since when? You had no clue.

Yoongi stared at you like he couldn’t believe it, but you stayed calm, not breaking eye contact until he scoffed and looked away. “Now you’re turning it on me.”

“How?” You demanded. He couldn’t be outright ignoring your feelings.

“I’m only into you when we’re having sex?” He wondered, but you didn’t think it was a question he wanted you to explain. He was visibly agitated now, words cramped like he was trying quickly to get them out. “If I remember correctly I thought I wasn’t enough for you.”

“What the hell?” You cried, shocked by his accusation. “Yoongi…” Where had he gotten that from?

“Are you never happy?” He wasn’t listening, nor stopping. There was a bite to his voice you’d never heard before. It contorted his face. Made him look different. “Even after everything. Even after fucking both me and him.”

The room was spinning. Your head dizzy. Yoongi’s words swirling around unable to stop. You couldn’t speak. He saw that, eyes widening as his expression softened. “I’m sorry.” He realised what he’d said, but it was too late. The damage was done. “I didn’t mean that. Shit,” he muttered under his breath, rubbing his face with his palms.

You couldn’t be here. Near him. Not when he’d said such an insulting thing so flippantly. It made you feel gross. Like what you’d done had dirtied you. Is that what he really thought? Almost like you were greedy, uncaring, immoral.

You bolted. There was no where for you to go, apartment so tiny there was only one room you could hide. The bathroom. “No. Wait—” He tried to stop you, reaching out, but you didn’t give him a chance to. “I didn’t mean—”

His voice became muffled when you slammed the door shut behind you, visibly shaking as you pressed your back up against it. You couldn’t make out why you were so upset. Your head was a mess. He’d stayed quiet for so long, and for what? Had he always thought like that? When did he get so resentful? When he’d said those words they were filled with bitterness. How was that possible? After everything that had happened two weeks ago? You needed answers. You deserved answers.

You were storming out of the bathroom before you could blink, back towards the bed. So mad you felt unstoppable. “Is that what you really think?”

He was lying down again, staring up at the ceiling one hand against his forehead. That made you angrier. He should have followed you. He groaned your name, sitting up as you came nearer. “I said I’m sorry. Let’s just forget about what I said. Come here.” He outstretched his hand, voice gentle, filled with regret, but it was too late. “Let’s talk,” he suggested.

You scoffed. Like that wasn’t what you’d wanted all evening. “Yeah. Let’s talk. Let’s talk about how you asked for another threesome not even two weeks ago! How care you turn it all on me!”

His eyes flashed, hardening his features as he gritted out, “you know I was drunk!”

“No.” You shook your head, indignant. ‘That doesn’t cut it, Yoongi.” You were sick of him not telling you how he felt. You were sick of walking around pretending you were oblivious. Granted, this wasn’t how you wanted it to go, but it was too late now. You’d yell the place down if you didn’t get a straight answer.

“I let you just brush it off, but I want answers,” you demanded, voice breaking as you stomped your foot and clenched your fists. Maybe childishly, but you didn’t care. You were so frustrated. “I deserve fucking answers. I’m your girlfriend, for crying out loud!”

He shook his head slightly, looking down at his lap as he muttered. “I told you. I was drunk.”

Shit. You didn’t want to cry. You really didn’t. But everything had escalated so much you were finding it hard to hold your tears back. Funny thing was, you’d never been much of a crier until recently. Maybe you were weak. When faced with reality it was all you could do. Still, you held it in as best you could, sitting on the edge of your bed, back turned to Yoongi.

You spoke to the wall, voice tiny. “What’s wrong with us?” You were exhausted. Worn out from the night’s events. But really when you thought about it, what had you expected? If you were both so hellbent on pretending, it was all bound to blow up soon enough. Something told you that you should’ve had this conversation two weeks ago. When he’d arrived at your doorstep with his apology. But you both were too afraid, and now it had come to this. You prayed you could work it out.

“Something feels like it’s missing and I don’t know what…” You didn’t even know when it became missing. It all happened so fast.

He murmured your name. It didn’t sound good. Reminded you of the time your parents had to tell you your dog died. “I’m sorry,” he continued. The mattress dipped as he moved closer to you, but you still couldn’t look at him. Your eyes were blurry as you still stared at the wall. “It’s all on me.”

It’s not you, it’s me. God, was he really going for that right now? It was always that. How many times had a guy told you that with fake sincerity? Yoongi wasn’t supposed to be like them. He was different. He was the one who made you feel all giddy inside. Made you smile, made you laugh. He was the one who encouraged you to quit Wendy’s and take a chance at fashion retail. He was the one who hugged you from behind and kissed your cheek when he missed you. He was your first proper relationship. You felt the difference that night in bed when he suggested you become exclusive. This bed you were sitting on now. In such a short amount of time things had changed. Was it always supposed to be like this? You felt fooled.

“I just..I…” He trailed off, finding it difficult to continue. You heard him swallow. “This isn’t working out the way I wanted it to. The way I thought it would.”

You sniffed loudly, a tear running down your cheek and you acted quickly to brush it away. Okay, that was a new one. You didn’t get what he meant. Especially because everything had been fine for you. You felt his hand on your shoulder, urging you to turn and look at him. “Hey…” He said gently. “Come on, look at me.”

He sounded like Yoongi, the Yoongi you were used to. So it was hard not to listen. You slowly turned and were met with his face. His eyes looked sorry, eyes glistening a little, and you knew then that this was hurting him too. He wasn’t like those other guys. It wasn’t an excuse. He probably hadn’t wanted to hurt you. That’s why he’d kept quiet, but he couldn’t hide it well.

You sniffed again, determined to keep your tears at bay. “Is it. Is it because of what happened between Jin?” You stopped and started. “I’m sorry if it is.”

You didn’t have it in you to feel embarrassed or awkward. The zero acknowledgment had made you question a lot, but if this was going to end, you wanted Yoongi to be truthful.

“No,” he shook his head, adamant. “No, it’s not because of that.” He reached for your face. His touch was still so gentle. You wanted to close your eyes, to relish in it, but it wasn’t right. It wasn’t the same. “Not really.” He continued. “And it’s definitely not your fault.” He stressed. “I wanted that to happen. I pretty much instigated it. I enjoyed it, and for a while I really thought it helped us, but…” He tilted his head, eyes searching your face. “Isn’t that kinda fucked up?”

It was funny to look back now. To see things in a new light. If you were so happy together why would you have needed that threesome? It had been a sign more than anything. A bad omen.

But you couldn’t believe that. What you felt for Yoongi was real. Your happiness was real. It was just your thoughts were messed up. Scrambled. The threesome had happened because you had a history with Seokjin. Nothing else. It hadn’t happened because there were underlying problems in your relationship with Yoongi… It couldn’t have been that. How would you explain all the moments of bliss?

“But we were happy,” you almost whimpered, holding onto his hands that cupped your face.

“We were,” he smiled sadly. “It’s all my fault.”

You wanted to ask him why, but your tongue wouldn’t work. The use of past tense was too much. You’d even used it too. He answered without being asked anyway.

“I can’t fall in love with you.” He sounded a little lost. A little confused. A little sorry. “It should’ve happened by now. I was so sure you were the one.”

“Oh, my god,” you uttered in complete shock, lifting your hands from his. You moved your head, trying to make him let go of you. Somehow you hadn’t been expecting that. Or at least, you hadn’t been expecting such a frank confession from Yoongi. Maybe he also realised it was time to be truthful. The pain in your chest couldn’t handle it though.

He held onto your face, desperate to keep you looking at him. Desperate to make you understand. “I care about you so much. Everything about us was real. Is real. I just… We’ve hit a wall and I don’t know how to make it better.”

His voice was beginning to sound weird now. Hoarse and wobbly. This wasn’t fair. Why did this have to be happening? You’d thought the same thing two weeks ago. Hit a wall. How could you be mad at him when deep down you knew he was right? But still, you didn’t want to let go…

You wrapped your fingers around one of his wrists, looking up at him, eyes begging. “Can’t you just give it time?” You didn’t care if Yoongi didn’t love you right now. You knew you’d been thinking about it lately. Wondering when it would happen, but it didn’t matter. You could wait. He was putting pressure on himself. You didn’t care about that stuff. Never had. You just wanted him.

The side of his mouth twitched, face sad as one hand moved to your shoulder, squeezing it gently. He looked you straight in the eyes. “Do you love me?”

His question took you by surprise. No answer came. You were panicking. Not expecting the mental block. You’d been so preoccupied with him taking the lead, wanting him to confess his feelings, that you’d just taken yours for granted. “I–I…” You stammered, racking your brains for an appropriate way to explain. “I’ve never been in love before. I don’t know what it feels like.” How would you know? How could you be sure?

He smiled but there was no happiness with it. His voice was light when he spoke, gentle, soft…like he was comforting you. “Baby, that’s a no.”

You blinked a few times, processing his words. You didn’t love him? You were so confused. “If you felt it, you’d know it,” he carried on. You shook your head, intent on fighting him, but one look at his face and you shut your mouth. He was correct. You wouldn’t be confused if you loved him for real. His thumb caressed your face. “It’s okay. I know you care about me too, but sometimes it’s just better to let go.”

Let go? You didn’t want to. Yoongi was the best thing that had ever happened to you. This was a relationship, like none of the other shit you’d been in before. Guys who called you their girlfriend but hadn’t cared about you. Yes, maybe you didn’t love Yoongi yet, but that would come in due time. Why was he so hellbent on giving up? It was as if he knew something you didn’t.

“Maybe it will take some more time,” you said quietly.

He pulled his hands away from you, making some distance. You knew then there was no more time. “I think,” he began, pausing as he tried to find the right words. “I think the circumstances just aren’t working out of us.”

Maybe he was correct. Maybe this was it. Maybe this was always supposed to end.

“Without love we’re just two friends having sex, and I don’t want that,” he said truthfully. You frowned. That was the complete opposite of what you’d wanted with Yoongi. It was the complete opposite of what he wanted too. It was what you’d had with Seokjin.

Yoongi was saying he would never fall in love with you, for whatever reason, and maybe you would never love him either. That was still a grey area. You were only now realising the reality of the situation.

“I don’t want to lose you from my life, but if we keep pretending, that’s what’s gonna happen.” He said after a pause.

“But I’m going to lose you anyway,” you said, voice whiny, desperate. You reached for his hands. He didn’t pull away.

“You won’t.” He shook his head, letting you link your fingers with his. His hands were warm, like they usually were, but they didn’t bring you comfort. “I want us to be friends. It may take some time, but I promise you, it’ll happen. You mean too much to me for this all to have been for nothing.”

Friends? After all this? That seemed difficult to imagine. Not even an hour ago he’d been your boyfriend. You had not pictured that changing, despite knowing something was weird between you. Your brain couldn’t cope with the whiplash.

“I hate knowing I made you feel like shit.” He said, voice low. “I wasn’t doing it on purpose. I wasn’t using you. I just… I’m sorry for everything. I should’ve said something as soon as I was having doubts, but I was so determined to make it work for us… If I could click my fingers and go back to how things were in the beginning, I would with no hesitation.”

You let his words sink in, getting more and more frustrated. It wasn’t fair. He was telling you things hadn’t worked out as he thought they would, and that just made it worse. Everything that was, everything that could have been. It was a horrible feeling.

He slowly began to drag his fingers from yours. You used all your might not to squeeze them tight. “The other week… I was drunk,” he started, sounding ashamed. You froze, knowing what was coming. The explanation. You were so scared. He sighed. You’d never heard him sound so afflicted. “I just…I wanted everything to go back to how things were. I thought another…” He groaned, unable to say it out loud. But you understood perfectly. “I thought it would cancel things out.”

“So what happened is the problem,” you stressed, lifting your hands to your head. How could he say it wasn’t. Before the threesome everything had been fine.

Maybe it was all your fault. Why couldn’t you have just left Seokjin in the past? Why had he been lingering in the back of your mind? Still was… After everything, and now even recently, you had to physically quash thoughts of him. All the worry and anxiety over your relationship with Yoongi had made you weak, confused. And now to learn it was also the downfall to everything was awful.

“No. No. It isn’t.” Yoongi shook his head, reaching for you. He hugged you tight. You tried to fight it but you couldn’t. You wanted his arms around you. You wanted to feel him. To smell him. You wanted him. Your mind was adamant, but your chest felt weird. He pulled away after a minute or so, cupping your face once again. It was getting harder to hold back your tears. His eyes still glistened. But he was stronger than you. He wouldn’t cry.

“I realised this would’ve happened either way.” What did that mean? That these past few months were pointless? A waste of energy. A strain on your heart. He looked into your eyes, like he was searching for something. Or maybe urging you to realise something. To realise the same? You didn’t want to. He exhaled softly, kissing the top of your forehead. You shut your eyes as he did so, hearing his voice fill your ears. “There’s something missing. Something in the way. That’s how life works out sometimes.”

He pulled away, but you clung to him, lifting your mouth to reach his. “Yoongi,” you murmured, praying he wouldn’t pull away. He didn’t. He kissed you back gently. Each graze of his lips numbing you. You wanted to change his mind. Even if he was correct, you wanted him to be wrong. You broke apart first. “I don’t want us to break up,” you pleaded, fists gripping his t-shirt.

“It has to happen.” He urged, pressing his forehead against yours. “It’s for the best.” You both fell into silence, chests rising together, breathing together. You couldn’t change his mind. You needed to accept that. He kissed your forehead again, pulling back slowly. “I’ll go…”

“Please don’t,” you asked, tugging him tighter. This time the tears fell. Hot and thick down your cheeks, voice breaking, turning high pitched. Couldn’t he just stay for tonight? Hold you as you slept? You weren’t ready to let go so suddenly. You needed time.

“Don’t cry,” he told you, wiping the tears from your face. You swallowed loudly, trying to get ahold of yourself. “I’m not worth it,” he smiled softly, voice lowering as he continued. “Besides, I think you’re crying because deep down you know this is the right thing to do.”

That stopped the tears. Made you think. He had to be wrong, but then…why did his words comfort you?

He took the opportunity to stand from the bed, saying your name softly. “Get some sleep. I’ll call you tomorrow. We can talk some more. I mean it,” he urged, making you look up at him. “I care about you a lot and I want us to be friends once things are okay.”

The next few minutes were a blur. You think you agreed, nodding, stretching a smile across your face. He moved slowly, stopping a few times to look back at you as he walked to the door, slipping his sneakers on, grabbing his keys. He said goodbye. The door closed behind him. You couldn’t say it back. You heard his car start. You heard him pull away, and then he was gone and it was quiet again. Your tiny apartment was deathly silently. So silent it felt deafening. What a horrible feeling.

You didn’t know how long you sat on your bed in the same position. Perched on the edge, arms getting cold until goosebumps appeared. You should get under the covers, try to get some sleep like Yoongi said, but you couldn’t stop thinking, and the sheets would only smell of him.

Too many thoughts in your head. Too many words. How come everything had collapsed so quickly? So suddenly? This whole time you’d wanted Yoongi to be open and honest with you. You knew something had been playing on his mind, but it wasn’t this. Never this.

He didn’t love you. Couldn’t love you. Those were his words. Was there something wrong with you? Nobody had ever confessed their love for you. Yoongi was the closest. That night you’d had sex for the first time. You were so happy. Lying in your bed, this bed. He’d told you he really liked you. He was nervous because he didn’t think you liked him back. He had been cautious back then. He knew about Seokjin. Seokjin. No. You couldn’t think of him right now.

But… How come out of every guy you’d ever been involved with, he was the only one that had never hurt you. The list was pretty long. Starting with your first boyfriend at seventeen and ending now, with Yoongi. Yes, it had hurt him too, but you didn’t want to acknowledge that right now. Yoongi was supposed to be different. You’d been in relationships in the past, called guys your boyfriend, but with Yoongi it was just different. He was quiet and kind. Laid back. Funny. Easy going. You felt at ease with him. Enough to relax and just open up. You let yourself be happy. Finally feeling like you deserved this one, even if sometimes it felt like he was too nice for you. That was just your doubts. Life was finally fitting together.

People never understood how sensitive you were. You hid it well. You hid a lot of things. Even from yourself. You hid your emotions. You hid your thoughts. So much so, you’d always prided yourself on not being a deep thinker. You acted recklessly sometimes. But never with Yoongi. You thought long and hard before getting into something serious with him. You hadn’t wanted to hurt him. To lead him on.

How ironic. Despite believing him tonight, feeling the devastation in his words, you still felt betrayed and hurt. Yoongi wasn’t supposed to make you feel like this, but yet here you were. Rethinking every little thing in your relationship. Trying to find where it had all gone wrong. When he’d realised he didn’t, and would never love you… You remembered the looks you’d find him giving you sometimes. Lost in thought. Now it all made sense. His eyes were sad. You hadn’t realised before. He was sad. He was sad because he didn’t love you.

Love. Once again you were reminded of what bullshit it was. Why had you been so desperate and impatient for Yoongi to make such a confession. Was it because you’d never been in a relationship this long before? You think you thought it was because you believed he was the one. If you could imagine your life with anyone, it would be a Yoongi. So you’d waited for each stage of a long term relationship. A love confession was one of the main things. You hadn’t given much thought on if you loved him too. That just made you feel stupider. How deluded you’d been. Deluded and desperate for nothing. Somehow Yoongi could read you like a book. He knew you didn’t love him either. How?

However, he also knew tonight would hurt. He knew it would be hard. It was probably half the reason he was ignoring it. That, and wishing it would go away. It was funny how you both wished things could go back to how they’d been. How disastrous if it was all falling to pieces already.

Maybe you just weren’t cut out for relationships. Seokjin flitted through your mind again. That one had worked well. It was probably because it wasn’t a proper relationship. All you’d been was sex. But it had worked so well. You were happy then too. It was a different kind of happy. More relaxed than anything. Seokjin and you were happy together but you didn’t necessarily make one another happy. You couldn’t imagine Seokjin kissing you or hugging you like Yoongi had, make you giggle as he tickled you…

Fuck. Why were you doing this again? Comparing them. Using memories you had with Yoongi and trying to imagine them with Jin. It was stupid and didn’t make sense. You were confused and didn’t want to be alone, and in the solitude of your apartment, one thing was painfully clear. Yes, there was only one guy out there who had never hurt you in any way.

You looked at the clock, it wasn’t even 11pm. Still early. You knew you couldn’t spend the whole night like this. You’d never get to sleep. Your mind was racing. You needed to talk to someone. Lina would be the best person for the job. Your best friend. But that wasn’t whose apartment you showed up at…

It wasn’t until you were on his doorstep, ringing the doorbell did you begin to rethink your decision. What did you look like? You’d thrown some clothes on but hadn’t cleaned your face, the tears from earlier now dried around your eyes. This was stupid. You couldn’t just turn up at his place so late. What were you looking for? He didn’t want a crying girl on his shoulder looking for comfort… But it was too late. He was already opening the door, and your urgency to see him glowed even harder in your chest.

Seokjin looked confused as he came into view, probably wondering who it was. Knowing him he was probably wishing he’d brought a knife with him. You know, in case it was an intruder. Because intruders knocked doors before the burgled or murdered you, didn’t everyone know that?

His eyes widened when he saw you, freezing on the spot. He was a whole different kind of confused now, uttering your name questioningly. He took in your appearance, stopping on your face. Yeah, you looked like shit. He frowned, sounding worried when he spoke again. “What’s wrong?”

You sniffed loudly, feeling the chill from the night’s air, and tried your best to at least give him a smile. It was not believable. Nor did it answer anything.

“Hi, can I come in?”

Written 2019. Reworked/Edited 2020 Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2020

#yoongi smut #yoongi fanfic #bts fanfic #jin fanfic #bts smut #floralseokjin:writings #fic:crystallised

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