#face of a woman definitely rescued from the lieutenant's clutches

[columboscreens]

[joeybelle]

Starlight - Chapter 23

Relationship: Cassian Andor / Original Female Character

Rating: Mature

Warnings: Strong language, Background character death, Blood, Violence

Tags: Pre-Rogue One, Romance, Feels, Hurt-Comfort, Canon-compliant Violence, Blood, Background character death

The blaster pistol hung heavily on her belt. The whirring sound of the ship’s engine as it exited hyperspace was almost deafening, but Cora was thankful for it somewhat muffled the ringing in her ears. Her hand clutched the support railing at the back of the ship, trying to keep her balance.

She had forgotten how incredibly confining transport ships could be, with more people crammed inside than it would be comfortable. Some silent, some nervously chatting, they were all waiting for the incoming battle. She never thought that she’d be sent into action so soon after the assessment, but this is what she’d signed up for and this wasn't the time to get cold feet. Not when people were dying.

The orders came as she was changing some bandages in the med bay. They told her one of their outposts had been attacked by imperial forces and were currently under siege, so they called for backup. Some of them were gravely wounded, and that’s where she came in. She dropped everything, changed into her combat uniform and joined the others in the crowded transport ship. She was the only medic.

She knew that by the time they reached the planet’s atmosphere she was already deathly pale, but fortunately her hands weren’t shaking and she didn’t feel like she was going to faint anytime soon. Which was great, because she didn’t really want to embarrass herself in front of all of those soldiers. She really wished it was just her and Cassian, like on the other missions she had been part of, so she didn’t have to fear being an embarrassment. She’d even take K2’s snarky comments any day.

Her comm buzzed and she heard Cassian’s voice, breaking her train of thought. “Are you alright?” he asked, sounding weary.

“Yes,” she replied, her voice cracking a little. “Yes, I’m ok.” She repeated, this time making an effort to control her voice and sound up to the task at hand.

“Don’t worry too much. I’ve just landed and with the other two incoming ships we have enough troops to win this quick and clean.”

She sighed, relieved. He was going to be there after all. It was a small relief, but comforting nonetheless. “Did you manage to contact the ones inside?” she asked, not wanting to waste too much time with her own feelings. She had a job to do after all.

“Yeah, they’ve got a few wounded. Their medic’s down. Come find me once you land and I’ll put you in direct contact with them.”

“Understood.”

“Good luck, Doctor.”

“Good luck to you too, Captain.”

The connection ended with a faint buzz. She looked at the soldiers around her. They were readying their weapons, tension almost tangible in the air. She held tight onto the railing and closed her eyes once the ship entered the dense atmosphere, wishing she were still at home, changing bandages and not this close to a battlefield.

The sudden rush of air that hit her in the face once the main hatch was opened felt wet and warm, making it hard to breathe. It reminded her of the first time the landed on Yavin 4, and how hard she adjusted to it. This time it felt worse, so Cora gritted her teeth and got off the ship.

She found Cassian near the command post. How they managed to install one so quickly, along with a portable med bay, Cora didn’t know, but she was impressed. With their huge, well equipped battleships, the Empire usually didn’t bother.

“What’s the plan, Captain?” she asked, joining Cassian in one of the tents. He looked just as tired as he sounded, and Cora made an effort to stop herself from hugging him in front of everyone.

“Doctor.” He greeted her with a curt nod, but then turned around to another captain that Cora only vaguely recognized. “They have maybe three stormtrooper units and a heavy weapons squad,” he started explaining, and although Cora wasn't sure if this was addressed to her too, she stuck around listening. “Their air support has already been neutralized by our X-wings, but that still leaves a lot of troops between us and the outpost. We have Garris pushing on the right side, but I want you,” he said, gesturing towards the captain, “to take your team and try to blow up the laser cannon on the left. The shield is weakened, but still holding and we can’t do anything with it shooting at the troops.” The captain nodded and hurriedly left the tent.

“What do I do?” Cora asked, once they were alone again. She could hear the noise coming from the battlefield, but since the tent was a little bit sheltered, she couldn't see it. She tried very hard not to imagine what horrors were happening just a few meters ahead.

“You stay back for now,” he said, fiddling with a comm unit. “You’ll have to wait here until we manage to secure the area and get the injured out.”

“Is there no way to get me inside before that?”

He looked up at her and frowned. “They’re surrounded. Unless you know of a way to teleport you inside, there’s nothing I can do.” The tone he used was really derisive and Cora scoffed. She realized that her questions may have sounded stupid, and he was definitely tired and stressed, but there was no need to treat her with contempt. “And even then, I still wouldn’t let you go in as long as they’re still shooting at the base.”

“So they’re still shooting at the people trapped inside?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think we could get to them in time?”

“We’ll do our best.”

It didn’t sound very convincing, but she knew Cassian was doing everything he could to get them out safely. She just hated that she had to wait around doing nothing while people could be dying. She really wished she could do more. Even joining the soldiers on the battlefield sounded better than just doing nothing. Unfortunately, she knew that would only get her injured before she could actually be of any use.

She sighed. “Is there a way for me to contact them, at least?” If she couldn’t physically be there, at least she wanted to be kept in the loop. Maybe she could somewhat remotely manage the situation.

“Yeah, that’s what I’m working on,” he said, and continued working on the comm.

It didn’t take long for him to make the connection and put Cora in contact with the men on the other side of the war zone. Unfortunately, the kid that picked up didn’t seem to understand much of what she was telling him and in his nervousness wasn’t being very helpful.

“So the man shot in the leg,” she started asking for for the third time, before he interrupted her once again.

“He’s bleeding a lot,” he almost cried in the comm, and although her heart was breaking for him, she really needed to know if his femoral artery had been severed. By the way he described everyone, the man with the wounded leg was the one that required immediate medical attention.

Unfortunately, no matter how hard she tried explaining to him how to tell arterial blood apart from venous one, he was way too agitated to follow her directions. She covered her eyes with her hand and almost wailed in despair. The feeling of powerlessness was overwhelming. She needed to do something.

“Is there no one else around you that can talk to me?” she eventually said, seeing that the kid was losing all remaining composure, and she didn’t have time for that.

“Hello,” said a woman’s voice, after a few precious moments of silence. “Captain Harper here. How can I help you Doc?”

“The man shot in the leg, is he still alive? Is he still conscious?”

“Yes,” she replied, her voice calm and collected. “He’s still conscious, but not looking too good, He’s losing a lot of blood.”

“Do you know how to make a tourniquet to stop the bleeding?”

“Yes, Ma’am. Already on it.”

Cora breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe they would survive until they were rescued, but who knew when that would happen. Cassian had left immediately after handing her the comm, and now he was nowhere to be seen. She didn’t need him to babysit her, but she would have liked to be kept in the loop. Like this, just waiting for things to happen while people bled to death, she was useless.

“What’s the situation in there?” Cora asked the captain, hoping she would get a glimpse of what was happening behind the outpost’s walls.

“Umm… Pretty bad, I’d say. But we can see you guys advancing. I hope you can get here in time,” she said with a sigh, and Cora felt her heart sink.

“We’ll make sure to be there in time,” Cora said, full of determination, hoping the woman couldn’t tell that she was faking it. “Do you know the place well, Captain?”

“No, not really, I’ve only been stationed here a couple of weeks.”

“Is there anyone there that knows the outpost better?”

“Yes, and I might be able to put you though,” she said, and Cora thanked her.

“Lieutenant Berav speaking. Ma’am, how can I help you?” a man’s voice replied after more moments of silence.

“Is there any way for me to get inside the outpost, before our troops arrive there?” She didn’t want to waste any more time, knowing that any wasted second might cost some of the injured their lives. “A different entrance, maybe?” she asked, feeling like it was a stupid question the moment the words left her mouth.

“There may be,” he replied to Cora’s surprise. “There’s a hidden trench on the left side of the battlefield. The entrance is right next to that tall, red boulder. It could offer you enough shelter to get to the gates, but you have to be fast. Plus, you’ll be fully exposed before entering it, and upon exit, so I don’t think it’s a viable option unless you can somehow distract them.”

Cora walked around the tent, closing in to the area where she could hear blasters shooting. A single look at the battlefield made her skin crawl and she had to force herself to keep looking, so she could identify the area described to her.

“The one close to the cannon?” she asked, scanning the area.

“Yeah, that one,” the man said, and for a brief moment his voice was covered by the sound of an explosion. Cora almost ran back to the safety of the tents. “The entrance is right next it, you’ll be able to jump into it quickly. But it won’t give you cover for long.”

Cora sighed. “I’ll see what I can do. Please keep everyone alive until I get there.”

“Please tell them to hurry. I don’t know how much longer we can hold the lines.” His words felt like a dagger stabbing though her heart. He sounded exhausted and almost hopeless when he broke the connection, and Cora felt like it was imperative to try and do something.

She had to find Cassian. He’d know what to do. He wouldn’t abandon his comrades, surrounded by enemies, wounded and exhausted. If he knew about the trench maybe he’d send her and a small team to take care of the soldiers trapped inside, until the rest of the troops could defeat the Imperial forces. But the problem was, where to find him? The clock was ticking.

Asking around the makeshift base, she eventually found him near the front-line, talking on the comm.

“What are you doing here?” he hissed, when he saw her approaching. “I told you to wait right where I left you.”

“I talked to the people inside,” she said, ignoring his harsh tone. She expected him to be annoyed, after all her was under a lot of pressure. “They have at least five wounded, one of which is bleeding profusely. I’m not sure we’ll make it in time for me to be able to save their lives.”

“We’re doing whatever we can,” he said, looking at the battlefield, suddenly looking a lot older than he was. Cora felt really sorry for him. He was carrying the weight of the battle on his shoulders and she was certain he would blame himself for every death. In that moment she really wished she could be more useful to him, carry a bit of this weight herself, but she was just a doctor so the only thing she could do was to try and save lives.

“There’s a hidden trench that crosses the battlefield,” she said, swallowing the lump in her throat as his head snapped back to look at her. “It could give us enough cover to get to them before the fight is over. I could get to them in time,” she said, making an effort to keep her voice steady, not betraying how scared she actually was.

“That’s out of the question.”

“Cassian, just listen.”

“No,” he cut her off, without making any effort to listen to her idea. “I know what you are talking about, and there’s no way of getting there in one piece.”

“But if we created a diversion…”

“Cora, it goes straight through the middle of the battlefield, you’d be killed in minutes. I’m not risking your life by letting you join the fight.”

Any other day she would have agreed with him. After all, she knew she wasn’t ready to fight, and she’d either die or get someone else killed, but today it was a different story. She had left the Empire because she couldn’t stand to watch people die while she did nothing about it. She couldn’t do it now either, even if it meant risking her own life to save others. In the time spent with the Rebellion she had gotten really attached to the fighters, and even though she didn’t personally know the men inside, she felt responsible for them.

“But people are dying, Cassian,” she pleaded with him, hoping that he would soften up, but his reply was even harsher than before.

“This is a war, Doctor,” he said, and she could feel his severe tone cutting like a knife. “People are dying every day. You’ve got to get used to it. Now go back to the tent, and wait there until someone comes for you. It’s an order,” he said, looking her in the eye, his dark, piercing gaze making her soul hurt. “Understood?”

“Yes, Captain,” she replied, her voice cracking a little. “I’ll wait in the back until everyone is too dead for me to make any difference.”

Cora turned around and walked away, not waiting for any other reply from Cassian. She was angry and hurt. She didn’t really understand how he could be so passive in a situation like this. He never struck her as the type of person who would wait and not try every solution possible, no matter how risky, even if that meant putting himself in danger. He was a man of action, she was sure of that. Waiting was killing him, just as much as it was killing her, but she was certain he was trying to shelter her. He didn’t trust her to do it. To be honest, she didn’t really trust herself either, but right now wasn’t the time for doubts. It was time for action.

But he had given her an order, and there was nothing she could do besides going back to the tent and waiting for the battle to end. Disheartened, she sat on a chair and grabbed the comm.

After a few moments of fiddling she was able to access the outposts frequency once again. This time, Captain Harper picked up.

“How are the injured soldiers?” Cora asked, feeling like she was going to get a headache soon.

“Still injured,” the woman replied, a little snappy, before she realized what she had said and softened her tone. “I am sorry, Doctor,” she apologized. “It’s been a long day. They’re not doing good. None of us is. Two more people have been shot. I don’t think we can hold the line much longer.”

“We are doing everything we can to get to you,” Cora assured her, although she wasn’t convinced they were doing enough—that she was doing enough. “We’ll get to you soon.”

“I hope so,” the captain said, but Cora felt there was no more hope in her voice.

A loud explosion broke the connection and made Cora jump to her feet and run to the edge of the safe zone. The cannon that the rebel army still hadn't been able to neutralize, had pierced the wall surrounding the outpost, sheltering them from direct fire. Right now, the Imperial troops could just pour through the opening and kill everyone inside. She had to do something. But before she had time to move away, another explosion shook the ground. Once the smoke and dust cleared a little she saw that the imperial blaster cannon had been taken out. By the X-wings or by the ground troops, she didn’t know, but it seemed to be a little too late for the people inside, since most of their defenses were already down. However, this could provide enough of a distraction for her to reach the injured.

Cora took the comm and accessed their frequency one last time. “Are you guys alright?” she asked a pretty shaken Captain Harper.

“We’ve had better days…” she replied, sounding incredibly tired. “We’ve lost some more men. A couple more are incapacitated, but we’re standing our ground.”

“Can you offer me some cover? I’m coming though the trench,” Cora said, without even thinking about the dangers, or that she was in fact breaking a direct order, or that Cassian would be pissed even if it wasn’t one.

“We’ll try. Good luck, Doctor.” No, she wasn’t thinking about any of those things when she fastened the medipack on her back, pulled out her blaster, and readied a flash grenade.

She took a pair of macrobinoculars off the table and scanned the area. She could see the exact place where she had to enter the trench and the general direction she should be headed to. She could see the Imperials retreating, now that their cannon was no longer functional. Now was her chance, she thought, as she placed the binoculars back on the table and started hurrying towards the battlefield.

Once she reached the edge of the field, she started running, before she had the time to think it through and change her mind. She ran between soldiers, she ran between blaster shots and flames. She wasn’t sure how she’d managed to reach the trench, but she did, in one piece. She only allowed herself a moment to just stop and breathe, because every second she was wasting could mean that someone’s chances to survive dwindled. She crouched, trying to stay as hidden as possible, and hurried through the trench. It felt like it was never ending. She could hear fighting above her head, the strident sound of the blaster shots sending cold shivers down her spine. Every explosion shook her to the core, making her fear that it would be the last thing she’d hear. She was frightened, but she kept going.

Eventually, the trench opened, leaving her exposed once again. She could see some stormtroopers blocking her way to the outpost. The fastest way to get inside, she figured, would be through the hole blasted in the wall by the canon, but even so she would have to get past the troopers first. She squeezed the grenade in her hand. If only she could throw it hard enough to reach them, it would provide enough of a distraction for them to not notice her running around them, she hoped.

But before she had time to panic, someone started shooting at them. She didn’t know if it was coming from inside the outpost—the soldiers trapped in there offering the much needed cover—or someone from behind her that just wanted to take them down, but she didn’t wait to find out. She started running again, heading for the opening in the wall. She ran so close to the troopers, they they could kick her in the face if they noticed her. She took out the pin and dropped the flash grenade at their feet, stopping them from shooting her in the back as she ran past them.

The sound of the grenade detonation was lost in the cacophony of noises on the battlefield. The only thought present in Cora’s head was to get to safety, everything else was a blur. She kept running until she reached the hole in the wall. Strong arms helped her climb though and suddenly she was out of the line of fire.

“It’s good to see you in one piece, Doctor. It was quite a crazy move you pulled out there,” said a woman, that by her voice and accent Cora identified her as Captain Harper.

“I’m glad to be here,” she replied, deciding that it wasn’t quite the time to think about the crazy thing she had done.

However, Cassian coming through the same hole she did, looking angry and disheveled, looking her straight in the eye made the blood freeze in her veins. She knew she’d fucked up, so she looked away, deciding that she’d do her job first, and face the consequences later. “Where are the injured?” she asked Captain Harper.

She was guided through a poorly lit corridor to a large room. Laying around or slumped against the wall there were nine people, with varying degrees of injuries, moaning and breathing heavily. The air felt heavy with the smell of blood and death.

Cora pulled on a pair of sterile gloves and went to work. A couple were unconscious so she hurried to look at them first. One was already dead. The medic, she found out from the insignia on her uniform. She had a pretty ugly wound on her neck, which meant she’d bled out quickly. She had been dead a while, maybe before they’d even landed. There was nothing Cora could do for her, besides covering her with a sheet.

She moved on. The other unconscious man was the one with the injured leg. The wound was ugly, to say the least. There wasn’t much Cora could do about it but to try and find the nicked vein and stop the bleeding. The tourniquet was still in place, and that was the only thing keeping him alive, but by the paleness and coldness of his skin, he’d lost a lot of blood. He also had a wounded shoulder, but that seemed to be less severe. Cora took off her medipack and started working.

“It’s good to see you, Doc,” the man seated next to her said, looking at her with kind eyes. He didn’t look very good. He didn’t look good at all. When she first checked on the injured he vehemently shooed her away, assuring her his wounds were only superficial, but now that she looked at him again she started to doubt that. “Were you able to cross through the trench? I can still hear them fighting outside.”

“Lieutenant Berav?” He nodded weakly and Cora’s looked him over. He was dirty, dust staining his skin and pieces of rock stuck in his beard. His left hand was tucked into his jacket and there was red staining his lips. His breathing was laboured. He didn’t look fine at all. “Would you please remove your jacket for me, Lieutenant?” Cora asked, keeping her voice as steady as possible, while she fixed an IV sleeve on the unconscious man.

“I’m fine, Doctor, don’t you worry about me,” the older man said with a smile.

“You don’t look fine at all,” she said, working as fast as she could on the other man’s leg. Time was ticking and she knew she couldn’t take care of all of them. She had only two hands and it wasn’t enough. “Could you please remove your jacket?”

The man laughed, which then turned into a coughing fit. Cora looked at him with the corner of her eye. There was more blood foaming in the corner of his mouth. He must have had blood in his lungs. She took a break from what she was doing and grabbed the lieutenant’s jacket, pulling it aside to reveal what he was hiding. The sight made her lose all the remaining colour in her face: his whole torso was full of shrapnel.

“The cannon took out the blaster turret I was using. It could have been worse,” he said and smiled, but Cora was sure it couldn’t have been worse. There was no way she could safely take out the shrapnel from the man’s chest in a poorly lit, stone room in the middle of nowhere. She could only hope that it didn’t hit any major artery and he would survive until he could be transported back to base. But even then, she still couldn’t say for sure if he’d survive.

“I’ll put you on an IV right away,” she said, still trying to stabilize the unconscious man. He had lost quite a lot of blood and she wasn’t sure, even with a tourniquet in place, that she could save his life. His leg, almost certainly not. “I have some plasma on hand…”

“Don’t bother, Doctor, I’m already a goner,” he said, with a resigned smile on his face. “Save the meds for someone who has more chances than me. And take care of the kid. Maybe he’ll survive.”

“You’ll both survive,” Cora said, but she could sense the lie in her words, as she hurriedly forced an IV sleeve over his forearm and a thermal blanket around him despite his protests.

She wasn’t sure if any of them would survive. She could still hear the fight going on outside and there was no indication that it would be over anytime soon. From time to time she could hear voices coming from the hallway, or the door, but she didn’t have the time to lift her head up and look. The Imperial troops could be pouring in any second, shooting them all dead. At least that would be quick.

“I’ll make sure you’ll all survive,” she said to herself, trying to mend the nicked vein in the younger man’s leg, his blood slowly seeping into the fabric of her tunic, staining the sleeves above her gloves.

“It’s alright, Doc, you don’t have to save everyone,” Lieutenant Berav muttered, closing his eyes. “The world is already getting colder. And darker,” he said, between shallow breaths. Cora spared only one second to look at him. His looked clammy and his lips had taken a bluish tint. Maybe if she had a little more time… But she knew she didn’t. Even with the plasma pumping into his veins she knew that for him, she had arrived too late.

“Hang in there, Lieutenant,” she said, blinking rapidly to keep the tears at bay.

“You know, I have a boy about his age,” he said, moving his bloody hand a little to point at the unconscious man. “He was a little kid when his mom and I broke up. She took him with her. Last time I’ve heard about them they were living in a small village near Arden. She had two more daughters. Twins.”

“You could visit them when all this is over,” Cora said without lifting her eyes. She had no idea where that place was, but there was no reason she couldn’t try and give him a little hope.

“I will visit them soon.” His voice was becoming weak and raspy, and Cora tried to hurry patching the man’s leg to try and help him too. Although she knew she couldn’t do much, she still hoped she could miraculously keep him alive until they arrived back at base. Unfortunately, there were others needing medical attention too, and she knew she would have to prioritize. “They’re waiting for me on the other side,” he whispered, and she felt her heart break.

Cora didn’t stop—couldn’t stop—working, but she could feel the familiar pang in the back of her throat, when tears were threatening to fall. She tried focusing on what she was doing, because any little mistake could cost someone’s life.

“There was a stream in front of our house,” he spoke after a short pause, his words already slurring. He kept his eyes closed and Cora forced herself to not look at him too long, for she could already feel the tears running down her face. “There was… a beautiful stream…”

He was silent after that. Cora didn’t know exactly when he passed away, nor did she want to. When she had finally managed to stop the hemorrhage in the other soldier’s leg, and stabilize him enough so that she was sure he would survive being transported back to base and then looked at Lieutenant Berav, he was already dead. She pulled up the blanket to cover his face and moved on to the next patient.

The smell of blood and disinfectant was rapidly filling the room. It had stained her sleeves and tunic, seeping slowly though the fabric until it reached her skin. She could feel cold sweat forming on her forehead, and her palms were clammy under the gloves, but she couldn’t stop. She was running on adrenaline only, her world having narrowed to the task ahead of her. She kept stitching and patching and balancing fluids, completely oblivious to what was happening around her.

At some point someone she didn’t recognize told her they were starting to take the injured to the ships and that she was needed outside, where more wounded soldiers awaited her. She did her job, even when her hands started to hurt and her knees bruised from kneeling on the gravel. She could still hear it in her head, the man’s last whisper. ‘There was a stream in front of our house.’ She wondered what she’d be thinking of before she died. Would life flash before her eyes or would she be stuck in a memory from her childhood? Was her mother waiting for her on the other side?

She wiped her still tear stained face with her sleeve, before realizing the only thing she had done was to smear it with blood. She wanted to rip off her uniform and throw it away, to shower until she could get the smell of blood out of her nostrils. To try and wash away the guilt with a bottle of something strong and mind-numbing.

She looked around for Cassian, but he was nowhere to be seen. She felt a pang in her heart at the thought that he could have died in the fire, but she made an effort to push it away. No, he wouldn’t die that easily, he couldn’t die that easily. He’d always survive, and come to her to fix his wounds every time. She pulled off her blood stained gloves and looked at her hands. There was blood on them too, stuck in the creases made by her skin and under her nails. She pulled on a new pair and moved on.

She spent the whole journey back to base with her eyes glued to a monitor, hoping that the soldiers would survive long enough to get home. She felt powerless, watching the beeps and the numbers. She had no idea how many had died, she’d stopped counting, deciding to focus on those who had survived instead, but she couldn't push away the thought that maybe if she had gotten to them faster, and she’d somehow worked harder and if she’d been better, more would have survived. Maybe she could have stabilized the lieutenant enough to get him back to base. The logical part of her brain knew there was no way she could have done that, that she had to choose which one to save, and the younger soldier with the leg hemorrhage was the logical choice, since he had more chances to live.

But she still felt responsible for every death on that battlefield. She still blamed herself for not being able to save everyone, even if that meant somehow cloning herself. The blood was drying on her uniform, making it hard and scratchy. She couldn’t wait to rip it off and take a shower, hoping to get rid of the smell. The everpresent smell of blood.

Back at the base, she followed the gurneys back to the building, but was almost instantly relieved of her duties. She insisted that she would help in the med bay, but Doctor Crane didn’t even want to hear it. She was tired and her hands hurt, but she was still running on adrenaline so she was sure she wouldn’t be able to relax anytime soon, so why not try and be useful, but the doctor dismissed her anyway.

Lost in the sea of people, she felt completely out of place. She felt so drained of energy, like her soul had been sucked out of her body. The only thing she wanted to do was to crawl into a ball and cry herself to sleep. She turned around to head to her room when she saw Cassian striding her way his face contorted into a mask of anger. It had been a very long time since she’d seen him this angry, so she knew she fucked up.

“What have you done?” he barked at her, but Cora could tell he was making an effort to stay composed. He was furious. “I specifically told you to stay behind.”

“My job,” she snapped. “It entails saving lives, not waiting around,” she mumbled and kept walking, with Cassian on her heel. She didn’t have the strength to deal with him yet so she tried getting away.

“You disobeyed a direct order.”

“It was a stupid ass order,” she raised her voice, turning around to look him in the eye. “Every second I spent waiting around lowered their chances of survival and you know it! I had to do something.”

“We were already doing something,” he almost yelled at her, but then lowered his voice, taking a step closer to her. “We were doing something. We were doing our job, and yours was to listen to my order and wait until we cleared the area.”

“My job is to save lives,” she spat in his face. “Every life lost on that battlefield is on me! You purposefully ignored a way of getting inside. Two people died because I didn’t get there in time.”

“Everyone on that battlefield is my responsibility!” he whisper-shouted. “Including you, and including the people that could have died while you pulled a stupid move like that.” Cora’s jaw dropped. “Oh, you didn’t think about that, did you?” His voice had turned threatening as he took a step closer. “You didn’t think about the people that could have died trying to protect you. No? Did you know that the only reason you made it there in one piece is because I followed you and shot everyone that had their weapons pointed at you? Did you even notice how close you were to dying? Did you?”

She hadn’t so she kept her mouth shot and swallowed the lump in her throat. She felt tears starting to form once again.

“Of course you didn’t. You were too busy playing hero.”

“I wasn’t trying to play hero,” she yelled back suddenly finding her voice, but also feeling the first tear sliding down her cheek. “I just… I just wanted to save everyone. You don’t understand…”

“I don’t understand? How do you think I would have felt if I had watched you die today!” he yelled and his voice faltered for a second. “How many people would you have saved if you were killed?” Cora didn’t reply, as tears were already streaming down her face. “You’re a doctor. Your life is more important to the Rebellion than ten soldiers—than a hundred soldiers! Because you can potentially save hundreds. But you can’t save anyone if you’re dead.”

“I know,” she yelled back and wiped the tears away, only to notice the blood on her hands once again. She straightened her back and curled her hands into fists, swallowing a sob. “I just can’t stand around and wait, biting my nails while people die just because you and the Rebellion are afraid to lose me!”

“Well, you’re going to have to,” he said, taking a few steps back. “Actually no, you won’t. No one’s going to let you go back on a battlefield after disobeying a direct order. You’d be too much of a liability,” he said, and the calm, yet biting tone of his voice hurt. “Consider yourself grounded.”

“Fuck it, I don’t care,” she spat back, but she cared. It hurt to the bone, and although she knew she had fucked up, she still thought Cassian was wrong.

“Go back to your quarters and stay there until I try and sort this mess,” he said, turning around and leaving her there.

Cora leaned on the wall and took a few deep breaths trying to stop the tears, but it was in vain. She trudged back to her quarters and collapsed into a chair, sobbing into her hands. When she managed to stop crying long enough to rip off her uniform and go into the bathroom, she looked in the mirror and noticed the smeared blood on her face. There were dried droplets on her face and hair and more blood smeared by her hands and tears. She felt like vomiting, but made an effort to get into the shower.

She cried in the shower too, vigorously scrubbing away all the blood. She could still feel it on her hands, wet and warm, seeping into her skin no matter how long she scrubbed. Once she was tired, she got out of the shower, got dressed and wrapped herself into a blanket and cried some more.

The anger slowly died down and so did the adrenaline. Now that she was thinking a little more clearly, she realized what a stupid thing she had done. She had disobeyed a direct order, which she knew would instantly kick her out of the military—in her case, send her back to the cell—but more than that she hadn’t thought about how Cassian would feel seeing her run like an idiot right across the middle of the battlefield. She hadn't thought about him at all. Of course he was responsible for everyone and of course he would try to find the best solution. He cared about everyone just as much as she did, maybe more, but he was a lot more level headed than she was. And she just put his life in danger by not thinking of any of that.

She wrapped herself tighter in the sheets, shivering as if she was cold. She wished she could fall asleep to forget about the horrible day she had just lived, but whenever she closed her eyes she could either see the dying man, bleeding and talking about his stream, or Cassian’s angry face, yelling at her in the hallways.

By the time she heard a knock on the door, she was sobbing once again. She got up and wiped away her tears, wishing she’d just misheard, and everyone would just leave her the fuck alone for the day. She hoped that they’d at least let her sleep in her own bed tonight before sending her to prison. Another part of her really wished she could see Cassian, to find a little comfort in his presence, but after the argument in the hallway she was afraid of what he’d say to her. When the second knock came she had to make an effort to go to the door instead of wrapping herself in blankets and pretending she wasn’t there.

Luckily it was just Cassian, no guards in sight. He didn’t seem to be angry anymore. At least not the searing hot anger she’d witnessed a few hours back, but Cora was still a little wary. She took a few steps back to let him in, and he did, letting the door close behind him. He stood awkwardly by the door, like he didn’t know if he was welcome anymore and even though he wasn’t saying anything, the apologetic look on his face was enough.

Cora made the first move, tentatively hugging him, and when he returned the hug she let out a sigh of relief and rested her head on his shoulder. They stood like that for a while, in complete silence, and Cora was finally able to calm down a bit and stop being on the brink of tears.

“I’m sorry,” he said, finally breaking the silence between them. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you,” he whispered, nuzzling into her hair.

“You were right to,” Cora mumbled, pressing her nose in his shirt. He smelled like standard issue soap. “I did some dumb shit today.”

“Yeah you did. But I still should have kept calm.” He took a deep breath. “Promise me you won’t do it again.”

Cora broke the embrace and climbed back into bed, wrapping herself in the covers and leaning on the wall. “I don’t think I’ll have the chance to do it again, since I’ll be grounded for the rest of my days.” Or jailed, one more fun than the other.

Cassian followed her and took a seat at the edge of her bed, keeping her back to her. She could see his profile illuminated by the tank on the desk, and he was silent for a few moments, seeming lost in thought. “They didn’t drop you from the program yet. You’re still an emergency field doctor.”

“How?” she asked, knowing full well there was no chance they’d let her do anything after pulling a move like that.

“I didn’t tell them you disregarded a direct order.”

“You lied for me?” she said, scooting closer to him.

Frowning, he looked at her over his shoulder like he was outraged by her supposition. “Of course not,” he denied. “I just left out a few details.”

“I think that would technically still be lying,” she said, resting her chin on his shoulder, enjoying the familiar feeling of his beard on her skin.

“Don’t make me regret it,” he said, and Cora could tell that despite the apparent calm on his face he was still rather hurt and angry. She couldn’t blame him, she would be angry too. “Don’t ever run off like that without telling me, because I won’t always be able to protect you.” It sounded half resentful, half like a plea, and Cora felt really guilty for making him feel like that, but she knew it would be really hard to just be patient and wait. “Promise me,” he said, looking at her over his shoulder.

Cora breathed deeply. He was asking a lot. If it was anyone else asking this of her she would just smile and say yes, but she knew he would never take an empty promise. And neither would she want to give him one.

“Can you promise me that you’ll never knowingly put your life in danger while on a mission?” she asked instead.

“Cora…” He looked at her with a really sad expression on her face and Cora already knew what he would say. “You know I can’t promise something like that.”

“Then I can’t promise something like that either,” she said, scooting back to her place, leaning on the wall, the blanket on her shoulders.

“This is my job, Cora…”

“Then quit.”

“What?” He looked at her with such a shocked expression on his face that Cora had to stifle a laugh.

“Quit and let’s run away. We can go someplace where no one knows who we are and live as farmers for the rest of our days. I can tell you that I’m completely useless, and a terrible roommate, but you’ll laugh your ass off watching me stumble and fall face first into bantha shit.” She was only half joking. Actually she wasn’t joking at all, but she already knew what his answer would be. If he said yes, though, she would pack her bags and leave without a second thought. “You could teach me how to cook.”

Cassian laughed and it seemed that the whole tension between them vanished into thin air. “You really know how to make it seem enticing,” he said, taking off his shoes and crawling into bed with her. Cora lifted her blanket to let him in besides her. Cassian put an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer, softly kissing her temple. “At least promise me that you’ll listen to me on the next mission. I can’t take care of everyone if no one listens to me.”

Only now did Cora realize just how much responsibility was hanging on his shoulders and how much it affected him. If she felt guilty because she didn’t get so save someone, she didn’t even want to think how Cassian was feeling after losing so many people on that battlefield. Cora realized how selfish she had been, only thinking about her own feelings. She nodded and settled into his embrace.

“Did you know him?” she asked, after a few moments of silence. She could still smell blood whenever she breathed in. “Lieutenant Berav, did you know him?”

“Yeah,” Cassian answered, pulling her a little closer.

“He died,” she said, although she was certain he already knew that. “He was talking about his family before he passed.” There it was, the feeling that she was going to start crying once again, but she made an effort to swallow the tears. She knew she had cried more than enough, but for some reason she was really shaken by his death. Maybe he had been the catalyst for every emotion she had bottled over the past year to just start pouring out.

“I know,” Cassian whispered in her ear and kissed her temple once again. “I know.”

They didn’t speak much after that, settling into a comforting silence. Cora’s mind was still very loud, but slowly, the shouts became whispers and she was starting to doze off in Cassian’s warm embrace.

She had no idea when she fell asleep for good, or how they moved around so they’d sleep in a normal position. But what surprised her the most when she woke up in the morning, was Cassian’s sleeping figure still next to her in bed. She shifted a little and looked at the clock. It was close to her usual waking hour on a workday. Cassian would normally be long gone by this hour, so it was surprising to still see him sleeping. Well at least now she was convinced he did sleep, she thought shuffling back under the covers, nuzzling into his chest.

“Morning,” she said, once Cassian opened his eyes and looked at her with an unfocused gaze.

“Morning,” he mumbled, stretching. He glanced at the clock then settled back into bed and closed his eyes.

“Do you have work today?” Cora asked, praying for him to say no so they could both go back to sleep and spend a lazy day together, although she didn’t have much hope.

“Mhm,” he mumbled, and Cora pouted. “We have a mission debriefing after breakfast, but there’s no need to hurry just yet.”

“Oh,” she said, feeling her stomach sink. She had forgotten that she had to actually be debriefed on yesterday’s mission which meant talking directly to Draven and she knew how that would go, even without her fuck up. She was starting to feel sick already.

“Draven won’t be there,” Cassian said, knowing perfectly well what she was thinking. “He left last night. You should just stand your ground and you’ll be fine. I’ll be there to back you up.”

Cora felt really bad that he had to back her up when they both knew she was in the wrong, but she was incredibly thankful for his willingness to help her out.

“Thank you,” she said, kissing him on the cheek. “And I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you.”

“Yesterday, or in general?” Cora smacked him over the head and he laughed.

“It’s pretty early, should we go back to sleep?”

“What are the alternatives?”

“Well…” she said, climbing on top of him. “I might have a few ideas.”

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