#extreme constant escapism via music exercise and stacker abuse

[mxnd-infxction]

just some more vent

there's so much things i'm stressing about going around in my head.

i've been really stepping up lately in terms of my job search, school, working to get my license and looking for a good reliable car, and other chores and responsibilities and shit. my dad might me moving out (learned from my mom, and atp i don't know for sure what's happening bc they've been actually fucking communicating like a normal healthy couple talking)

i've been occasionally checking for several months now for affordable apartments in atlanta (and by that i mean like under 950 in an neighborhood that's on the outskirts of the itp area) and with the way i'm now looking at apartments in las vegas (which is pretty much cross country from where i live rn) you can tell how that's going. i don't even know how to start that conversation with my best friend so i haven't mentioned shit about it to them.

with my dad possibly leaving i'll have to get a better paying/full-time job, but with this semester starting in a few days god only knows how that's gonna go. it's only two online classes but still. i fully intend on doing college full-time starting in the fall (or as soon as possible bc by god i wanna get my damn degree already, and i could've already graduated by now if i'd been going full-time from the start) too.

regardless of moving, i still need to downsize the amount of shit i have in my room and paint the walls.

all i do lately is do nothing on my off days, stay up till 4 am most nights because i read that burns more c4ls. i desperately want to get back into working on my songwriting but i have no inspiration anymore.

i don't even give a shit about going to driving school just for learning how to parallel park and k-turn and all that shit. just let me at the driving test and i'll be on my (not-so-)merry way. my mom just shoots down every car i'm even vaguely interested in. i could've had that shitass f-100 as a first car, put in a bigger gas tank, but GOD FUCKING FORBID. 88k miles and 3500$? but nah. can't have shit with you people. fuck off.

i feel stuck in this hell state right now and i'm slowly losing it day by day. hell, i've been romanticizing using h4rd drugs. i've been almost-genuinely considering going back on my adhd m3ds just for the weight loss and appetite suppressant side effects. i'm not doing well mentally; i'm spiralling and i know it. we can't even go on vacation anywhere because of everyone's schedules, our pets at home, jobs, and travel distances and time spent at the wheel. i hate living here so much. i just wanna get out. all i do is think, think and overthink about anything and everything. i hate winter, i hate this state, if i could i'd drop out of school and move out west tomorrow.