#expriest

[amartbee]

that olrox and mizrak dialogue sort of inspired a tarblenolah....

[roadside-enshrined]

watching the exorcist show again father marcus i love you

[teslacarbombz]

we would make different tags for different alters except that is cringe. not when others do it just us. we just throw darts at a board of words and hit post no indication of who is posting it except the slight tag once in a blue moon. its up to god to decide

[diivineray]

lins is sending back deep down into the exorcist hell and I'm so sad the series was canceled

[fleabitess]

I have many unholy things to say about Benjamin Tobin the Expriest but I don’t think the world is ready for that yet

[hell-aint-half-full]

"No man is give leave of that voice [...] when it stops, said Tobin, you'll know you've heard it all your life" (McCarthy, 2001: 128).

Benjamin Tobin Character Study:

Often referred to as the ‘expriest’, Benjamin Tobin is one of the key characters in Blood Meridian. A priest he may have been, but through the entirety of the novel, he is an instrumental member of the Glanton gang. Though pessimistic in his opinion that the Christian God is biased and cynical, Tobin still a firm believer. As a result of this, he frequently clashes with the Judge, who believes War is God. The two often compete for influence over the Kid and, through this, the pair become mouthpieces for their respective Gods, and the Kid, the everyman figure. Though not without sin, he is young and impressionable. Tobin appears to gain the upper hand, keeping close to the Kid and acting as his guardian. Even after the Judge shoots Tobin whilst wearing a makeshift mockery of a cross (McCarthy, 2001: p.242), Tobin attempts to have the Kid murder the Judge, to eradicate the apostle of War. The Kid will not, however, claiming that “he ain’t nothin”. Though, the truth of it more likely appears to be that the Kid was too afraid to carry out the murder (McCarthy, 2001: p.249-50). The fate of Tobin at the end of the novel is unknown, though it is likely, with a bullet would through his neck from the Judge, that he did not survive. The priest fell from God through leaving the church and joining Glanton’s gang. He then falls further as the Judge triumphs over him. In this, War triumphs over God. Shadow triumphs over light. In the world of Blood Meridian, even a man with as precarious a faith as Tobin cannot be allowed to survive in the godless borderlands, the dominion of War, and the Judge sees to it that he doesn’t.

[infinitesimalvermin]

Cannot stop thinking about that part in Blood Meridian where The Kid pulled the arrow out of David Brown's leg. Just read the quote it's so good. I've been thinking sm about it.

"The Judge chuckled. Brown glared about him. Will none of ye help a man?

None Spoke.

Damn all of ye then, he said.

He sat and stretched his leg out in the ground and looked at it, he bloodier than most. He gripped the shaft and bore down on it. The sweat stood on his forehead. He held his leg and swore softly. Some watched, some did not. The kid rose. I'll try her, he said.

Good lad, said Brown.

He fetched his saddle to lean against. He turned his leg to the fire for the light and folded his belt and held it and hissed down at the boy kneeling there. Grip her stout, lad. And drive her straight. Then he gripped the belt in his teeth and lay back.

The kid took hold of the shaft close to the man's thigh and pressed forward with his weight. Brown seized the ground on either side of him and his head flew back and his wet teeth shone in the firelight. The kid took a new grip and bore down again. The veins in the man's neck stood like ropes and he cursed the boy's soul. On the fourth essay the point of the arrow came through the flesh of the man's thigh and blood ran over the ground. The kid sat back on his heels and passed the sleeve of his shirt across his brow.

Brown let the belt fall from his teeth. Is it through? he said.

It is.

The point? Is it the point? Speak up, man.

The kid drew his knife and cut away the bloody point left deftly and handed it up. Brown held it to the firelight and smiled. The point was of hammered copper and it was cocked in its blood-soaked bindings on the shaft but it had held.

Stout lad, ye'll make a shadetree sawbones yet. Now draw her.

The kid withdrew the shaft from the man's leg smoothly and the man bowed on the ground in a lurid female motion and wheezed raggedly through his teeth. He lay there a moment and then he sat up and took the shaft from the kid and threw it in the fire and rose and went off to make his bed.

When the kid returned to his own blanket the expriest leaned to him and hissed at his ear.

Fool, he said. God will not love ye forever.

The kid turned to look at him.

Don't you know he'd of took you with him? He'd of took you, boy. Like a bride to the altar."

THE DOUBLE MEANING. THE KIDS MERCY, HIS PITY. THE WAY THINGS COULD HAVE GONE SO VERY DIFFERENT WITH A SLIGHT TWITCH. OH MY GOD. IF HE HAD MESSED UP, BROWN WOULD HAVE KILLED THE KID AND THEY WOULD HAVE BLED OUT TOGETHER. AND NOBODY WOULD HELP EITHER. AND. AND. IF THE KID HADN'T JOINED IN THE FIRST PLACE, HAD NEVER MET GLANTON, NEVER JOINED UP WITH THE GANG, IF HE HAD NEVER LEFT HOME AT ALL, GOD WOULD HAVE TAKEN HIM. GOD WOULD HAVE TAKEN THIS DECENT YOUNG MAN WHO WOULD HAVE BEEN WITHOUT SIN. BUT THE KID RAN FROM HIS FATHERS HOME AND HE MET THE JUDGE AND HE MET GLANTON AND HE JOINED UP AND ITS TOO LATE. THE DESERT IS NOT HIS PLACE, THE GANG IS NOT HIS FAMILY, THESE SINS ARE NOT MEANT FOR HIM TO REVEL IN. BUT HE IS HERE, GODS LOVE FOR THE KID IS RUNNING LOW, AND IT IS NEARLY TOO LATE. THE. THE. JESUS CHRIST. gughhf okay I'm done thx for reading the ramblings of a madman.

[eternal--returned]

For let it go how it will, he said, God speaks in the least of creatures. The kid thought him to mean birds or things that crawl but the expriest, watching, his head slightly cocked, said: No man is give leave of that voice. The kid spat into the fire and bent to his work. I aint heard no voice, he said. When it stops, said Tobin, you'll know you've heard it all your life. Is that right? Aye. The kid turned the leather in his lap. The expriest watched him. At night, said Tobin, when the horses are grazing and the company is asleep, who hears them grazing? Dont nobody hear them if they're asleep. Aye. And if they cease their grazing who is it that wakes? Every man. Aye, said the expriest. Every man.

Cormac McCarthy ֍ Blood Meridian (1985)

[tearblossom]

None spoke. The judge sat half naked and sweating for all the night was cool. At length the expriest Tobin looked up.

It strikes me, he said, that either son is equal in the way of disadvantage. So what is the way of raising a child?

At a young age, said the judge, they should be put in a pit with wild dogs. They should be set to puzzle out from their proper clues the one of three doors that does not harbor wild lions. They should be made to run naked in the desert until...

Hold now, said Tobin. The question was put in all earnestness.

[shootybangbang]

What is true of one man, said the judge, is true of many. The people who once lived here are called the Anasazi. The old ones. They quit these parts, routed by drought or disease or by wandering bands of marauders, quit these parts ages since and of them there is no memory. They are rumors and ghosts in this land and they are much revered. The tools, the art, the building — these things stand in judgement on the latter races. Yet there is nothing for them to grapple with. The old ones are gone like phantoms and the savages wander these canyons to the sound of an ancient laughter. In their crude huts they crouch in darkness and listen to the fear seeping out of the rock. All progressions from a higher to a lower order are marked by ruins and mystery and a residue of nameless rage. So. Here are the dead fathers. Their spirit is entombed in the stone. It lies upon the land with the same weight and the same ubiquity. For whoever makes a shelter of reeds and hides has joined his spirit to the common destiny of creatures and he will subside back into the primal mud with scarcely a cry. But who builds in stone seeks to alter the structure of the universe and so it was with these masons however primitive their works may seem to us. None spoke. The judge sat half naked and sweating for all the night was cool. At length the expriest Tobin looked up. It strikes me, he said, that either son is equal in the way of disadvantage. So what is the way of raising a child? At a young age, said the judge, they should be put in a pit with wild dogs. They should be set to puzzle out from their proper clues the one of three doors that does not harbor wild lions. They should be made to run naked in the desert until…” Hold now, said Tobin. The question was put in all earnestness. And the answer, said the judge. If God meant to interfere in the degeneracy of mankind would he not have done so by now? Wolves cull themselves, man. What other creature could? And is the race of man not more predacious yet? The way of the world is to bloom and to flower and die but in the affairs of men there is no waning and the noon of his expression signals the onset of night. His spirit is exhausted at the peak of its achievement. His meridian is at once his darkening and the evening of his day. He loves games? Let him play for stakes. This you see here, these ruins wondered at by tribes of savages, do you not think that this will be again? Aye. And again. With other people, with other sons.”

[nicklloydnow]

“You've done this afore, said Tobin.

The kid wiped his nose with a swipe of his greasy sleeve and turned the piece in his lap. Not me, he said.

Well you've the knack. More so than me. There's little equity in the Lord's gifts.

The kid looked up at him and then bent to his work again.

That's so, said the expriest. Look around you. Study the judge.

I done studied him.

Mayhaps he aint to your liking, fair enough. But the man's a hand at anything. I've never seen him turn to a task but what he didnt prove clever at it.

The kid drove the greased thread through the leather and hauled it taut.

He speaks dutch, said the expriest.

Dutch?

Aye.

The kid looked at the expriest, he bent to his mending.

He does for I heard him do it. We cut a parcel of crazy pilgrims down off the Llano and the old man in the lead of them he spoke right up in dutch like we were all of us in dutchland and the judge give him right back. Glanton come near fallin off his horse. We none of us knew him to speak it. Asked where he'd learned it you know what he said?

What did he say?

Said off a dutchman.

The expriest spat. I couldnt of learned it off ten dutchmen. What about you?

The kid shook his head.

No, said Tobin. The gifts of the Almighty are weighed and parceled out in a scale peculiar to himself. It's no fair accountin and I dont doubt but what he'd be the first to admit it and you put the query to him boldface.

Who?

The Almighty, the Almighty. The expriest shook his head. He glanced across the fire toward the judge. That great hairless thing. You wouldnt think to look at him that he could outdance the devil himself now would ye? God the man is a dancer, you'll not take that away from him. And fiddle. He's the greatest fiddler I ever heard and that's an end on it. The greatest. He can cut a trail, shoot a rifle, ride a horse, track a deer. He's been all over the world. Him and the governor they sat up till breakfast and it was Paris this and London that in five languages, you'd have give something to of heard them. The governor's a learned man himself he is, but the judge. . .

The expriest shook his head. Oh it may be the Lord's way of showin how little store he sets by the learned. Whatever could it mean to one who knows all? He's an uncommon love for the common man and godly wisdom resides in the least of things so that it may well be that the voice of the Almighty speaks most profoundly in such beings as lives in silence themselves.

He watched the kid.

For let it go how it will, he said, God speaks in the least of creatures.

The kid thought him to mean birds or things that crawl but the expriest, watching, his head slightly cocked, said: No man is give leave of that voice.

The kid spat into the fire and bent to his work.

I aint heard no voice, he said.

When it stops, said Tobin, you'll know you've heard it all your life.

Is that right?

Aye.

The kid turned the leather in his lap. The expriest watched him.

At night, said Tobin, when the horses are grazing and the company is asleep, who hears them grazing?

Dont nobody hear them if they're asleep.

Aye. And if they cease their grazing who is it that wakes?

Every man.

Aye, said the expriest. Every man.

The kid looked up. And the judge? Does the voice speak to him?

The judge, said Tobin. He didnt answer.”

- Cormac McCarthy, ‘Blood Meridian; or, The Evening Redness in the West’ (1985) [p. 111 - 113]

[yokelfelonking]

God speaks in the least of creatures. No man is given leave of that voice. I aint heard no voice, the kid said. When it stops, said the expriest, you'll know you've heard it all your life. Is that right? Aye. At night, when the horses are grazing and the company is asleep, who hears them grazing? Dont nobody hear them if they're asleep. Aye. And if they cease their grazing who is it that wakes? Every man. Aye, said the expriest. Every man.

Cormac McCarthy, Blood Meridian

[avenueoflovers]

A Very Human Jesus, from your Dubliner expriest, commenting on Gospel of Matthew 15, 22ff, on this 20th Sunday, 20 Aug 23 from J.Paul Lennon on Vimeo.

So I put before you Mary McAleese, Fintan O'Toole, Charles Haughey, James Joyce, George Bernard Shaw, and anyone else you can think of in our illustrious Irish past... Who will you choose? Jesus wants to be alone and is interrupted by a Cannanite, pagan, foreign woman with a problem. How does he treat her? How does she get what she wants? Why did I say "a very human Jesus"? Whom do yo want to follow?

[avenueofflores]

Jesus Walks on Water; not Peter and not the Clergy; The Expriest Preache...

[wildflower8281]

Books! How Reading Has Elevated My Mind & Heart Post-Convent

In the convent we were only provided with catholic books. There were libraries in every convent and we were reading all the time actually, but it was all catholic culture, doctrine, spirituality, thought. I have undoubtedly read the life of every single religious nun in church history. When I came home, it took me awhile to not feel scandalous reading other material or books. Even flipping through a regular magazine felt borderline sinful because of what I was exposing myself to - articles about sex, humans in underwear or bathing suites, products enhancing vanity, etc. As I state everywhere, the Program is real and it took me probably about a year before I ‘strayed’ into reading non-catholic books.

Eventually I headed over to the library, got myself a card and wandered through the great halls and explored. It was one of the most liberating moments post-convent, for me. To be able to freely wander these fantastic long rows of all the books I could ever want! It was an introvert and writer’s dream! Fictional stories about different places, books on nature, animals, travel, art! Books on psychology, the brain, nutrition, health! And of course, books on all the religions and spiritualities in the world. It was definitely a moment of mental liberation and thrill for me when I realized how much of the world had been kept from me and how much I was now totally free to explore! Yes, in religious life we were exposed to music, art, history, philosophy - it was actually a very rigorous academic formation - but it was all within the context of the church, it was all always catholic in some form or fashion.

Reading took me into the world at large and let my mind breathe outside of the church confines. I reveled in reading a book about the brain! I relaxed and enjoyed the comfort of a good fiction book on a snowy day. Reading definitely played a huge part in deprogramming my mind from not only all the convent culture, but the catholic programming as well. As someone who is naturally docile and a pleaser, I had accepted mostly everything without question (which is why I was fantastic as a religious superior by the way.) There were always a minority of sisters who were intellectually curious and rebellious, who would question the things or care enough to ask. I didn’t really. It was easier to just assent and move along. However, reading helped me not only open my mind, but begin to use it again, to learn the questions, to integrate new information regarding the church, the world, and myself. No wonder they don’t let religious read more non-catholic stuff - it creates free thinking humans!

Ok, so here is my list of some truly life-changing books, in my geek-opinion. I would recommend these books to any person, whether they were a nun in a past life or not, male or female or any gender identity honestly. I think they are good for the human spirit and mind to learn about, to traverse and integrate!

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho: This is an international forever best seller, life-changing type of book. It is published in 56 languages and has won the Guinness World Record as the most translated book by a living author. Need I say more? It is in essence a fable about a young man who traverses the desert and has different experiences, searching for his purpose. Underneath the story, the mythical characters, the magical desert landscapes are truths about life, love, and self that will resonate if you have a beating heart. There is really nothing more to say here.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown: This amazing woman is generally more known for her Ted Talk and for her book, “Daring Greatly,” however for me, it was ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ that really spoke to many things I was struggling with on my road back into the world. She is famous for her TedTalk on Vulnerability, which probably every human should watch. She teaches on courage, authenticity and showing up as yourself, not faking for anyone. The things she speaks and writes have always resonated with me, because she speaks the language of being human. This book however is a short and sweet version of her overarching philosophy. It’s divided into bite size chapters, packed with real stories and good fodder for thinking, as well as practical ways to implement the practices into your life. Since a lot of convent programming focused on: self-denial, sin, staying busy, keep working, rules, control, falling in line - this book focuses on things like playfulness, creativity, letting go of what people think, self-compassion, heeding intuition, and rest! It’s kind of like an antidote to much of the rigorous mental & physical sides of religious life. For me personally, it kickstarted my curiosity regarding art and creativity specifically. It led me to try new things, to grab some art supplies and begin to just play. Finding art and play was a very deep part of my re-integration and self-confidence that is still with me today. In art and play, I learned to be fully myself without filters. Due to the happiness I found in art & being creative, it opened an entire universe of creativity, movement and freedom for me, mentally, spiritually and physically. Do yourself a favor and grab this short & sweet life manual!

Women’s Body, Women’s Wisdom by Dr. Christianne Northrup, MD: This is basically an anatomy textbook that is fascinating and is helpful if you have a body. True confession: I’m a total geek about the body and enjoy learning about how we work, so dipping into this book was fun for me, however -  if you have a body that you live and move and breathe in daily, I highly recommend getting to know how it works for you in exquisite detail at each moment! It’s a big book and that can be off-putting. I get it. The bible is also a big book, but how do you read it? You don’t read it in one sitting, nor do you read it from front to back. You pick it up and read wherever you are led. This is how I read books like Women’s Body, Women’s Wisdom. I read the contents, then skip to any chapter or parts that I’m curious about.

What does this book have to do with life post-convent?

Basic Health: Well, in religious life there was a lot of programming around ignoring the needs of the body, which leads to ignorance in general about how our bodies work and how to take care of them. Also, in religious life, we kind of eat whatever we are given or served. Learning about our bodies and nutrition empower us to choose how we want to nourish our bodies for maximum efficiency and replenishment. This helps us to feel amazing mentally and physically, aiding in our journeys onward. Eating crap and not taking care of our bodies will make the transition into the world - an already rocky one at best - that much more difficult, as our brains will be sluggish, anxious or depressed and our bodies will feel tired and weary. Knowing our bodies and caring for them is perhaps the single most important foundational piece to transitioning back to the world serenely.

Coming Home: Lastly, and personally most important for me was just reconnecting with my body, on the energetic and spiritual level. In the convent (and often in the church,) we live so much in our heads, such an academic and spiritual atmosphere. For a decade, I barely thought about the needs or feelings in my own body. It’s like the priests and nuns are a bunch of heads running here and there. The simple act of sitting and listening to my breathing, or just stopping to notice my heart beat were transformational moments for me. I felt like, ‘Wow, this living, breathing body has been here all along, working for me, taking care of me, doing what she needs to survive, assimilate foods, move for me. And I have utterly ignored every need and feeling from her.’ It was a coming home and a reconciliation for me.

This book will help any human understand their bodily systems much better. It is not heavily scientific, even though she is a renowned doctor. It’s written for the regular person, living a modern-day life. It connects the body with stress effects, the basics of nutrition and shows the energetic connection between the body, mind and illness. It is not new-agey or woo-woo. It’s grounded in legit science and medicine (I say this for the skeptics, because I do believe also in energetic medicines - my Mom is a massage therapist and Reiki practitioner!) It is approachable and easy to read. It’s more like a manual or reference book, but indeed should be read or at least present in any human household!

The Female Brain by Louanne Brizendine, MD: This is along similar lines to Women’s Body, Women’s Wisdom except that it is focused soley on the brain functions and hormones. This book blew up my mind space about my cycle, my hormones and explained so much about how being a menstruating woman feels. I formerly thought that all the hype around pms and cyclical hormones was just that - cultural hype, making fun and being dramatic. This MD explains, again using scientific research in an approachable manner, how exactly our brains work, how our cycles work and how they are connected with the waves of the three main hormones that pulse through us. It’s not a joke, it’s not a drama, it’s basic science and anatomy and how the female brain and reproductive system works. Every human should read it - if they are a menstruating person, or if they know one. Men need to read this book if they are dating women, married to women or are dad’s to women!

This book also empowered me (I rarely use that word because it feels so overused these days, so know that the fact that I’m using it for these two books is noteworthy!) to know myself and my body even more. It helps explain why, as women, we sometimes feel fantastic, strong, outgoing and sexy while other weeks, we may simply want to cozy up in a blanket with a book for 3 days, and not talk to anyone. It helped me understand why sometimes I feel emotionally and mentally resilient, like I can take shit and move on with my day, whereas other days every small comment causes an emotional upset. Understanding my cyclic nature has helped me plan my social life, my errands, my work life, my exercise routines and greatly assisted in relationships. It has given me ownership over my body and being that I am no longer confused or embarrassed by, but rather proud of and make no excuses for. I always know where I am in my cycle and I don’t get freaked out if I am feeling a little low energy or gloomy some days. Additionally, when I am feeling the extra bounce of energy provided by my hormones on the rise, I take full advantage to make social plans, be adventurous and get things done!

Spiritually, I’ve been able to connect the cyclic nature of my body to the cyclic natures of creation and this most definitely has helped me to find peace in each season of a cycle. We cannot be going all the time, just like the flowers are not constantly blooming, and it’s not always Spring. There are seasons of hibernation and stillness, just as much as there are seasons of bursting forth and vibrancy. The ocean waves ebb and flow, the moon waxes and wanes. We go forth and retreat. I’ve written an entire blog on this you can find here (insert link.) Our society and culture, including the culture within the convent, is constantly pushing us to work, keep going, moving always forward (adelante) - however, if we take some wisdom from Nature, we will see that nothing in Nature is always pushing outward. Literally nothing. Things grow and bloom in seasons, in cycles of going forth and pulling inward. This is what our menstrual cycle reminds us to do. Our magic and power as women dwells within us and the only way to tap into that is to have time to go inward. This is why we bleed, why our hormones drop, why we yearn for solitude, quiet and stillness. It’s nature giving us the time we need, just like other living beings, to listen, nourish, incubate the light, love and creative works that we are called to bring forth into the world.

Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd: This provocative title drew me and I also love a good autobiographical account. This is the real story of Sue’s personal spiritual journey, her Story of a Soul, one that began in the christian church world and led her across the world in search of the divine. I was never one to buy into or pay much attention to the charged lingo like ‘patriarchy’ and ‘misogynistic’ things that people said about the church, but when this book found me, I had processed enough of my time in the convent, to read and be open minded about this woman’s journey and search for not only the divine, but truth in the church and rituals. It helped me see with a lot of clarity how things in the convent, especially how we revered the priest ad nauseum, how we served and drove them everywhere, how Mass and many rituals are focused on them - is perhaps a little skewed and off. And I am someone who still holds love for many a priest in my life. I think it’s ok to not be in agreement with the male power in the church, and at the same time truly enjoy the persons that are specific priests in our lives. The book is not all about this, but it was one of the first pieces of literature where - since I was drawn into her personal journey - I read about how patriarchy and men in power can affect one woman’s experience of the Divine and of Church. She takes a beautiful journey that is full of connections to her heart, body, the earth, rituals and a sincere seeking of the Divine.

A few others that come to mind, a short list:

Falling Upwards by Fr. Richard Rohr: This Franciscan priest elaborates on how the second act in someone’s life is often accompanied by great spiritual growth and what we sometimes label as failures or falls actually catapult us forward and upward in wisdom and light. What he connects here regarding veterans who return to civilian life was very helpful & affirming with how many of us feel returning to life in the world, after a unique and extreme situation. Great, helpful read!

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron: If you experience sensory overwhelm, have introvert tendencies, don’t like loud places, people, violent movies, etc - this book is for you. It helped me feel normal and be more confident asking for what I need in life, relationships, work and saying no to what I do not enjoy. About 15-20% of humans are HSP, and of that number, 70% are introverts. There is a website dedicated to this book with a quiz you can take to see if you fall into this category.

Quiet by Susan Cain: For all my introverts, do yourself a favor! For all my extroverts, learn about your friends, family and lovers here! This book upped my confidence and self-awareness even more, enabling me to find strength and confidence in my innate, interior, introverted gifts.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: If you plan on loving humans, read this book or at least go to the website, take the quiz and know your own languages. Do you know how you recieve love? Are you a gift person, or acts of service? Do you love physical touch or would you rather have someone compliment you? Also - are you giving love to your loved ones in the language they speak? If you give compliments to someone who prefers acts of service, your compliments will mean nothing. Again, just great to know if you are human and plan on loving and being loved on any level.

Ok, that’s all for now. I could add dozens to this list! Happy Reading!

[mateusroberts]

"Two thick ropes of dark blood and two slender rose like snakes from the stump of his neck and arched hissing into the fire. The head rolled to the left and came to rest at the expriest's feet where it lay with eyes aghast."

BLOOD MERIDIAN, Cormac McCarthy