#exmulimbecause

[exmuslimbecause]

Hello, I have taken off the headscarf a while ago, but since it happened after my estrangement, no one from my family knows. I live in fear of bumping into family members as I travel to London often. They're strict, but I don't know how they will react. How can I lessen my anxiety and not live in fear of being caught? I am also an exmuslim but of course never came out to my family.

Hello,

Thank you for your message. It is brave of you to decide for yourself to remove the headscarf and leave the Islamic faith. The bravest decisions in life come in the most difficult times and they will demand more acts of bravery and courage than the ones you will leave behind as your life moves on. We will not give you false hope nor write rosy words that may alleviate your short-term anxiety but won’t materialise into any actual help in reality.

If you are anxious that there will be repercussions from your family members or the wider community, your best guard will be to prepare yourself now on what steps you will take if you can indeed sense an incoming risk.

It is important you seek professional support to organisations such as

Karma Nirvana

or Victim Support who can direct you to experts and tools that you can make use of to reduce anxiety. Another benefit of reaching out to them would be accountability. If it ever happens the support you have received were misguided, they can be held accountable within a framework of regulation that will allow them to improve their support service - tailored to more Ex-Muslims, not just you.

There are some steps you can take on your own which can reduce the chances of you bumping into your family relatives in London, but they will never be 100% foolproof. Nonetheless you can -

Contact your local police or Victim Support at an earliest (email them or just turn up) flagging up that although you do not see an imminent risk to your safety in the short term, you may be at risk in the long-run and ask them for a printed copy of the national ‘personal safety’ guidance they produce - each police station must have it. Ask them to give you are reference number and put your name down in writing in their system that you are likely to be at risk as your parents are strictly religious and might retaliate in a way that can be damaging. Take the reference number and keep in on your smartphone in a personal folder, laptop, and a backup copy on cloud drives such as Dropbox.  

Choose to move your residence in a borough where you can rebuild a social network that supports you and accepts you the way you are. There are affordable women-only housing associations if you feel you need a secured accommodation for some time until you are on your feet to move to private-rented accommodation. There are three benefits of women’s housing association: i) you can claim housing benefits if you do not have a job, ii) they are 24/7 security camera monitored and use ID checks and your confirmation before letting in visitors, iii) they have good local connections - there are shops, surgeries, security cameras and transport networks surrounding the housing associations so in the worst case scenerio if you are in danger and scream, it will get people’s attention. If you are opting for housing association or council housing, start planning at least 6 months ahead because application process and competition from other tenants will take time.

Download personal safety apps (look for UK police recommended ones - or ask the police) on your smartphones and keep its icon as shortcut on the top screen - personal safety apps are handy to quickly reach out to your trusted contacts or police if you are in danger, and you can set it up to send automatic SoS messages if you feel you will be at risk.

When commuting to workplace, university, or anywhere you go regularly, try variation of routes. If you feel you will be stalked, then do not leave a pattern of how you travel. It will be inconvenient for you, but with an early planning practice and a little bit fund allocated; e.g. if there is only one bus route between workplace and home, hop on one bus - hop off before your main destination is reached if you feel someone suspicious is on the bus - start walking towards a nearby ‘fake destination’ until the bus is gone - hop on the next bus. Now the stalker did not know you would leave the bus unexpectedly. Next, ask a trusted neighbour to keep an eye on any suspicious/stranger roaming around your neighborhood. If you feel you are indeed being followed, visit your nearest police station before going home.

When walking on streets, choose busier streets (with good lighting at night). Walk on the lane beside the route where incoming cars are facing you so that you can see if a speeding car is heading in your direction - if so, run away from the car and shout to aware others.

Don’t share your work information on the internet, unless you really need to use LinkedIn. If you work in a big company with branches across UK, your family members won’t find the exact office you are based at - in that case, LinkedIn’s drawback will only be limited to your family sending malicious emails to your employer to make you and your employer uncomfortable at work. Discuss this with Citizen Advice Bureau and National Career Service who can point you to employers who  are accommodating to ambitious people coming from challenging backgrounds.

If you are confronted by a family member in public, do not engage in conversation with them. Move as much away from them quickly and find the nearest security officer (if you are near an underground /bus station) - if police/security officer is not around, approach security guards of a nearby bank/restaurant and seek help - they will help in most cases.

We hope the information above are helpful. We will use your question to develop a more useful response in the future.

We are not a counselling service so all the information we provide are on an ad-hoc basis.

If you need any more information, feel free to write us and we will do our best to help you.

Stay safe, stay brave.

Regards

#ExMuslimBecause