#executive dysfunction worse... in any case I did enjoy talking about it don't think I didn't just because it took me so long

[magnus-rar]

Hi hello;;;; i come with a query. Do you mind explaining how you think jonathan got into that fleshy business? Did he read a cursed book? Did he have a mentor who pushed him towards it?

hello!

I should preface this by saying that I have 2.5 versions of his story in my head. aside from Flesh avatar Jonathan (Fanshawe, to be clear. I don't really talk about him much here), I am also an eye-aligned-but-not-an-avatar Jonathan believer (I think this is actually the most possible scenario, though that is a rant for another time). That Being Said I do have extensive headcanons about that

this is about to get very self-indulgent, so be warned. and note the discussions of drug addiction, Jonah Magnus (manipulation), self image issues and other Flesh-typical stuff

so, the way I like to see it going down goes like this: in the late 1820s Jonathan develops an opioid addiction (morphine, to be specific, as this part of his story is highly influenced by Bulgakov's Morphine. the plot revolves around a doctor who had the drug injected as a painkiller and became addicted to it). it soon becomes a very pressing issue as it starts to interfere with his day-to-day life and work, and as he realizes that he can't, actually, just drop it. Jonah, being his dear companion of many years, notices that something is wrong with him, maybe even Knows about it, and confronts Jonathan about it. while I do believe that by that point Jonah made peace with having to kill off his friends occasionally, I don't think it's something he does for fun. plus, having a doctor as your friend of very useful (and even more so since they are both trans, which means Jonah can trust him with his health), so Jonah volunteers to try to help him

they try a couple of things (lowering the dose gradually, quitting it cold turkey with Jonah overlooking Jonathan – diy rehab of sorts) and all of them fail miserably. so, Jonah decides to apply his knowledge of the supernatural to it: loss of control over yourself, your urges, your life sounds like a Web thing. then what is the opposite of it? which Fear would grant you total control over your body, balancing out Web's influence? it's the Flesh

or so he tells Jonathan – by that point Jonah did not believe in the ideas of balance, so he didn't really think Jonathan could "balance out" anything. he knew from the start that if Jonathan tried to flirt with the Powers, he would not walk away unaffected. he did mention to him that he may or may not end up in the service of the Flesh if they tried that, but Jonathan was desperate enough to agree anyway, which was very good for Jonah: he wanted to know what will happen. it was a very new Fear at that point, so he didn't know how it would interact with a human, since he never met an acolyte of It, and so... he made one

Jonathan was a good fit for the Flesh. as a trans man with no access to any kind of gender affirming procedures and in a very dangerous environment, he dealt with a lot of dysphoria. Jonah was trans as well and had similar feelings, but while Jonah's dysphoria came from being afraid that other people don't see him for who he is, Jonathan's came from the very experience of living in his body. plus, Jonathan was always curious about human anatomy, limits of the human body, its inner workings etc etc – it was one of the main reasons he wanted to pursue medicine. his personal philosophy resembled the Flesh's ideas too, even though it was mostly informed by his experiences as a doctor (a talk for another time). so, the only thing that Jonah had to do is suggest that path and maybe lead him a bit, but he was sure Jonathan would get the hang of it very quick. and he did

to be fair, it did help with the addiction, even if just by replacing one urge with another. it also made Jonathan rely on Jonah even more to navigate his new nature. Jonah suggested writing everything down to try to make sense of it (and to keep an account from his perspective, which Jonah could then study)

Jonathan was grateful to him for his help – he believed Jonah was fully sincere in that. and he was sincere, but... to an extent. at the same time, there was a faint feeling of betrayal, which he tried to suppress because (technically) he knew what he was signing up for. nevertheless, he couldn't come to terms with his new way of being, what occasionally led to him lashing out at Jonah for making him like this and then apologizing profusely. rinse and repeat for a couple of years

when Jonathan finally cuts ties with Jonah, he quickly realizes that without his help, it is very difficult to continue surviving. especially since he doesn't want to be a monster – never wanted to, but at least before there was Jonah to tempt him – so he struggles to keep himself fed. it gets worse and worse and eventually resolves in his suicide around 6 months after he sent the letter to Jonah. before doing that, he donated his diaries to the Magnus Institute as a way to preserve the knowledge about who Jonah Magnus is. no one would publish them, obviously, but he knew that Jonah didn't have it in him to destroy them, so the Institute seemed like his best bet

a brief pause for applause, and now we are in the paragraph where I address historical accuracy. Morphine was published in 1926, and they had modern syringes by that time. Jonathan died before their invention in 1853, but they already had morphine – it was isolated in 1803-1805. which means that he'd have to take it orally, which in turn would require a higher dose to cause addiction (but it's still the most addictive substance according to wiki, so it wouldn't take that much). does it have to be morphine? no. but I want it to be, so now it is

I'm not going to ponder how possible it would be for two Regency trans men to meet, but I want to mention James Barry who was a surgeon and a trans man born somewhere in 1789 just because it makes me happy to know about him :)