#except you Chicken Little. die š„°
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You're my new favorite blog! You have no idea how I wish I could peck inside your brain like a chicken. ššš I am a Catholic and a recovering agnostic. I struggle with letting go of my old way of life and philosophy constantly, I have been struggling with it since the day I decided to revert - that was back in 2017. (I think you would like to know my journey back to the Faith started after watching HBO's The Young Pope! šš¼) At this point I don't know if I'll ever be the person the Lord wants me to be, oh well, I'll die trying and I know that will mean something.
I just know I can't go back to being a non-believer, because as Carl Young said, now I don't just believe, I know. The irony is my struggle to believe in something I know to be objectively the Truth.
I have a question for you though, actually I hope for some advice from you. How do I reconcile with the reality that I haven't become who I dreamed to become (like career wise), but now that a new career has been shoved upon me (a career my parents wanted for me - and they valued safety and stability over "following my dreams" I suppose)? ...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because it is an extremely noble profession and it pays quite well.
The thing is, as much as I try to accept my new career, I keep telling myself and to others that I'm doing this for my parents and not because I want to be here. I feel terrible about it. But, again, it's not like I am unfulfilled (I am unhappy though, but that comes with the work culture/environment, I feel like I am surrounded by 40+ year old teenagers); as a matter of fact, I do think I know - objectively - in my heart that this is exactly where the Lord wants me to be? But I keep fighting against it, keep struggling against this sense of vocational calling that I'm feeling towards my new job, instead I desperately wanna give into my want to go "live the life I want." Like throw this all away, get new training and start all over with the career I wanted all those years ago.
I want to be better, to be sacrificial like Christ on the Cross. I've always known I had a little depression (comes with my disability from a young age and this whole dream thing); I have been suicidal over this, I actually used to joke with myself that I'd kill myself if I don't achieve my professional goals by the time I turned 25. I will turn 30 this September and even though I haven't been literally dead, I feel like I've been in a vegetative state - mentally - ever since the day I turned 25. I hope that makes sense.
I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago since my mental health started affecting my new job - she did say I have depression and is trying to help me but I just don't know if I want to be helped at all, because I am unable to do the exercises she tells me (like create a routine, exercise well, write down good thoughts, etc.) I feel like I'm failing myself, my parents and, most importantly, my Heavenly Father.
I apologise if this is nonsensical, I apologise for dumping all of this on you - random stranger on the internet - but idk I felt like maybe you'd have something wise to tell me to knock some sense into me (without a bump to prove it hehe).
Thank you and God bless! š„°
Youāre very kind, and Iām glad you feel comfortable enough to share all this with me! I really never have anything good of my own to say, or any wisdom to offer, except what I āstealā from Godā¦and I guess what I mean is, if I ever say anything helpful or good or true, Iām just the messenger. I didnāt come up with it. On my own I have zero wisdom or good things to offer.
Anyway, I was surprised reading this because I have gone through (been going through) a similar sort of mindset. I went to school for the career I dreamed about (still dream about) and I worked hard and I wanted it more than anybody around me (very Mike Wasowski in MU of me) and it hasnāt happened the way I planned, or in my timetable.
I mean, in all humility: I work with a studio making a tv show, but it hasnāt got off the ground yet, and I work for a company that writes movie reviews, but neither of those things pay my bills. I have a third job, working with therapists, thatās nothing like what I always wanted to do. Thatās my ācareer,ā but itās not the career Iām passionate about and working toward. And I wonder if Iāll ever do anything āmajorā in the line of work I love and went to school for. And when I do, I have gotten into some really dark mental places.
Forgive me for not using the words ādepressionā or āsuicidal.ā I hate using those words because theyāre overused and romanticized and flooding the culture. But more importantly I hate using them because the only thing I identify with is Christ, not any mental struggle I try to slither back into, like a snake trying to put back on old skin. Iām not my overthinkingāIām not my depressionāIām not my suicidal thoughts or emotionsāI am one with Christ. Those are things inside me that are defeated and deadāthe teeth have been knocked out of them. They just gum me from time to time. So I want you to know I empathize with you, but thatās my point and thatās how I want to answer you:
The only thing about you that really matters is Christ.
Who He says you are, what He has done and how He lived, which is applied to you because He said it is, by grace alone, through faith alone. No matter how you feel.
And I say that to you, as the answer, because I think you and I focus too much on what could be and what āshould beā as if God has a set path for us, and if we donāt figure out what it is and walk it, weāll have a less-fulfilling life. āIf I stay at my therapy job and just work with teenagers and write on my blog for the rest of my life, Iāll be fine, but I wonāt be as good as I could be.ā Or for you. āIf I stay in this career Iām in, the one my parents backed me into, Iāll make it, Iāll be fine, but Iāll never be as happy as I want to be.ā Weāre both thinking, every once in a while, āThis is career is what God wants for me, and all my misery is coming from not submitting to it, and if I could just wrestle my contentment into place and give up the thing I want, and submit to what God wants, Iād be fulfilled.ā
But how do we know any of those thoughts are true? How do we know God wants us in these boring old careers we wouldnāt have chosenādidnāt choose? Or, how do we know these boring old careers are what weāre stuck in because we didnāt take the plunge and work harder for our ādreams,ā which were what He really wanted us to do? How do we know either of those things?
We donāt. We donāt get to know. Thatās the point.
Because thatās not how God works. Not from what I can tell in the Bible.
āAnd whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.ā. Colossians 3:17.
Whatever you do. Not āthe one specific thing you figure out He wants you to do.ā
My mom described it to me once when I was in a really dark place trying to figure out what He wanted me to do, paralyzed with indecision, afraid He wanted me to do something I just didnāt want to do, like this: āGod doesnāt hold out one flower and say, āthis is the one I want you to have, so you can either take it or take something worse.ā God makes a field of flowers, and He says, āWhich one do you want? Pick one, and do it with excellence for Me.ā Then just trust Him to make it good.ā
It sounds like youāre in a career, but you are wrestling with whether or not to pick it, now that you have some autonomy as an adult, or to pick starting over. Well. Pick one. Just pick one. And trust God to take care of you. Trusting God looks like thinking it through with excellence, then making the decisionāand making the decision means letting go of worrying about the thing you didnāt pick. āTake every thought captive in obedience to Christ.ā Once you make a choice, make it all the way, and donāt let your mind wander anymore to āwhat if this blows up in my face? What if I shouldāve stayed back there at the crossroads, or gone down the other path?ā Itās going to be hard and God is going to take care of you, no matter what you pick. So donāt let your mind go to those places where you worry; acknowledge the worry, and every time, ask God to help you remember that Heās got you.
Because hereās the point, hereās the thing: He does have you. Because ultimately, your career really doesnāt matter. It doesnāt, it doesnāt, it doesnāt. Neither does your dream. Not ultimately. And now Iāll say āourā because I need to hear it too. Our dreams and careers are not the point of us, and our dreams and careers are not what God means when He says āIāll take care of you.ā
What He means is, āIāve already taken care of you.ā Because the most important thing isnāt our job or our dream. The most important thing is, weāve been rescued out of eternally being trapped in our broken desires, and now we get to live for Christ, Who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Thatās the major. And that truth is where our fulfillment is supposed to come from, what our lives are meant for, our purpose. As long as we pick one, and do it with excellence to make the name of Jesus famous, with that goal in mind, weāll be emotionally fulfilled. Weāll be satisfied. Because thatās the goal. Not making movies, or whatever it is you want to do. Not having secure means of living. Justā¦living our lives to make who Jesus is famous. We can do that wherever.
So then the choice? It becomes a minor, not a major, and the pressure of āwill I be happy?ā is off, because happiness isnāt found in that stuff. And whenever I forget, and start looking for happiness in my dreams, goals, career, thatās when it all starts to feel dark and stressful and hard and crushing. Because it was never meant to give me happiness or fulfillmentāthatās a need only Christ can fulfill.
Donāt misunderstand me. He cares what you do. He cared about every decision you make, and He does have a plan. But thatās going to happen anyway. So just pray, consider which option is a) wise to go for and takes care of the responsibilities God has entrusted you with, b) which option you genuinely want, when your wants are not influenced by fears, and then c) step out and do it in faith. And do it with the mindset of, āIām doing this, and Iām not thinking about the alternative if I can help it, and Iām also not putting all my happiness-eggs in this basket, because even if it crashes and burns, hey, Iām still one with Christ and I can still make Him famous no matter what road my career goes down.ā
I hope this helps. Itās a subject Iām hamster-wheeling around in my mind right now a lotābut when I just fix my eyes on Christ and think about how the most important things, the things that give real joy and happiness, are already and forever taken care of and I canāt mess them upāthen can get off the hamster wheel and enjoy the life Heās given me, right now, today, without worrying about the future.
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