#except you Chicken Little. die šŸ„°
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aquatic-sardonic Ā· 8 months ago
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artist-issues Ā· 4 months ago
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You're my new favorite blog! You have no idea how I wish I could peck inside your brain like a chicken. šŸ˜­šŸ˜‚šŸ˜‚ I am a Catholic and a recovering agnostic. I struggle with letting go of my old way of life and philosophy constantly, I have been struggling with it since the day I decided to revert - that was back in 2017. (I think you would like to know my journey back to the Faith started after watching HBO's The Young Pope! šŸ‘ŒšŸ¼) At this point I don't know if I'll ever be the person the Lord wants me to be, oh well, I'll die trying and I know that will mean something.
I just know I can't go back to being a non-believer, because as Carl Young said, now I don't just believe, I know. The irony is my struggle to believe in something I know to be objectively the Truth.
I have a question for you though, actually I hope for some advice from you. How do I reconcile with the reality that I haven't become who I dreamed to become (like career wise), but now that a new career has been shoved upon me (a career my parents wanted for me - and they valued safety and stability over "following my dreams" I suppose)? ...which isn't necessarily a bad thing, because it is an extremely noble profession and it pays quite well.
The thing is, as much as I try to accept my new career, I keep telling myself and to others that I'm doing this for my parents and not because I want to be here. I feel terrible about it. But, again, it's not like I am unfulfilled (I am unhappy though, but that comes with the work culture/environment, I feel like I am surrounded by 40+ year old teenagers); as a matter of fact, I do think I know - objectively - in my heart that this is exactly where the Lord wants me to be? But I keep fighting against it, keep struggling against this sense of vocational calling that I'm feeling towards my new job, instead I desperately wanna give into my want to go "live the life I want." Like throw this all away, get new training and start all over with the career I wanted all those years ago.
I want to be better, to be sacrificial like Christ on the Cross. I've always known I had a little depression (comes with my disability from a young age and this whole dream thing); I have been suicidal over this, I actually used to joke with myself that I'd kill myself if I don't achieve my professional goals by the time I turned 25. I will turn 30 this September and even though I haven't been literally dead, I feel like I've been in a vegetative state - mentally - ever since the day I turned 25. I hope that makes sense.
I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks ago since my mental health started affecting my new job - she did say I have depression and is trying to help me but I just don't know if I want to be helped at all, because I am unable to do the exercises she tells me (like create a routine, exercise well, write down good thoughts, etc.) I feel like I'm failing myself, my parents and, most importantly, my Heavenly Father.
I apologise if this is nonsensical, I apologise for dumping all of this on you - random stranger on the internet - but idk I felt like maybe you'd have something wise to tell me to knock some sense into me (without a bump to prove it hehe).
Thank you and God bless! šŸ„°
Youā€™re very kind, and Iā€™m glad you feel comfortable enough to share all this with me! I really never have anything good of my own to say, or any wisdom to offer, except what I ā€œstealā€ from Godā€¦and I guess what I mean is, if I ever say anything helpful or good or true, Iā€™m just the messenger. I didnā€™t come up with it. On my own I have zero wisdom or good things to offer.
Anyway, I was surprised reading this because I have gone through (been going through) a similar sort of mindset. I went to school for the career I dreamed about (still dream about) and I worked hard and I wanted it more than anybody around me (very Mike Wasowski in MU of me) and it hasnā€™t happened the way I planned, or in my timetable.
I mean, in all humility: I work with a studio making a tv show, but it hasnā€™t got off the ground yet, and I work for a company that writes movie reviews, but neither of those things pay my bills. I have a third job, working with therapists, thatā€™s nothing like what I always wanted to do. Thatā€™s my ā€œcareer,ā€ but itā€™s not the career Iā€™m passionate about and working toward. And I wonder if Iā€™ll ever do anything ā€œmajorā€ in the line of work I love and went to school for. And when I do, I have gotten into some really dark mental places.
Forgive me for not using the words ā€œdepressionā€ or ā€œsuicidal.ā€ I hate using those words because theyā€™re overused and romanticized and flooding the culture. But more importantly I hate using them because the only thing I identify with is Christ, not any mental struggle I try to slither back into, like a snake trying to put back on old skin. Iā€™m not my overthinkingā€”Iā€™m not my depressionā€”Iā€™m not my suicidal thoughts or emotionsā€”I am one with Christ. Those are things inside me that are defeated and deadā€”the teeth have been knocked out of them. They just gum me from time to time. So I want you to know I empathize with you, but thatā€™s my point and thatā€™s how I want to answer you:
The only thing about you that really matters is Christ.
Who He says you are, what He has done and how He lived, which is applied to you because He said it is, by grace alone, through faith alone. No matter how you feel.
And I say that to you, as the answer, because I think you and I focus too much on what could be and what ā€œshould beā€ as if God has a set path for us, and if we donā€™t figure out what it is and walk it, weā€™ll have a less-fulfilling life. ā€œIf I stay at my therapy job and just work with teenagers and write on my blog for the rest of my life, Iā€™ll be fine, but I wonā€™t be as good as I could be.ā€ Or for you. ā€œIf I stay in this career Iā€™m in, the one my parents backed me into, Iā€™ll make it, Iā€™ll be fine, but Iā€™ll never be as happy as I want to be.ā€ Weā€™re both thinking, every once in a while, ā€œThis is career is what God wants for me, and all my misery is coming from not submitting to it, and if I could just wrestle my contentment into place and give up the thing I want, and submit to what God wants, Iā€™d be fulfilled.ā€
But how do we know any of those thoughts are true? How do we know God wants us in these boring old careers we wouldnā€™t have chosenā€”didnā€™t choose? Or, how do we know these boring old careers are what weā€™re stuck in because we didnā€™t take the plunge and work harder for our ā€œdreams,ā€ which were what He really wanted us to do? How do we know either of those things?
We donā€™t. We donā€™t get to know. Thatā€™s the point.
Because thatā€™s not how God works. Not from what I can tell in the Bible.
ā€œAnd whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.ā€. Colossians 3:17.
Whatever you do. Not ā€œthe one specific thing you figure out He wants you to do.ā€
My mom described it to me once when I was in a really dark place trying to figure out what He wanted me to do, paralyzed with indecision, afraid He wanted me to do something I just didnā€™t want to do, like this: ā€œGod doesnā€™t hold out one flower and say, ā€˜this is the one I want you to have, so you can either take it or take something worse.ā€™ God makes a field of flowers, and He says, ā€˜Which one do you want? Pick one, and do it with excellence for Me.ā€™ Then just trust Him to make it good.ā€
It sounds like youā€™re in a career, but you are wrestling with whether or not to pick it, now that you have some autonomy as an adult, or to pick starting over. Well. Pick one. Just pick one. And trust God to take care of you. Trusting God looks like thinking it through with excellence, then making the decisionā€”and making the decision means letting go of worrying about the thing you didnā€™t pick. ā€œTake every thought captive in obedience to Christ.ā€ Once you make a choice, make it all the way, and donā€™t let your mind wander anymore to ā€œwhat if this blows up in my face? What if I shouldā€™ve stayed back there at the crossroads, or gone down the other path?ā€ Itā€™s going to be hard and God is going to take care of you, no matter what you pick. So donā€™t let your mind go to those places where you worry; acknowledge the worry, and every time, ask God to help you remember that Heā€™s got you.
Because hereā€™s the point, hereā€™s the thing: He does have you. Because ultimately, your career really doesnā€™t matter. It doesnā€™t, it doesnā€™t, it doesnā€™t. Neither does your dream. Not ultimately. And now Iā€™ll say ā€œourā€ because I need to hear it too. Our dreams and careers are not the point of us, and our dreams and careers are not what God means when He says ā€œIā€™ll take care of you.ā€
What He means is, ā€œIā€™ve already taken care of you.ā€ Because the most important thing isnā€™t our job or our dream. The most important thing is, weā€™ve been rescued out of eternally being trapped in our broken desires, and now we get to live for Christ, Who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Thatā€™s the major. And that truth is where our fulfillment is supposed to come from, what our lives are meant for, our purpose. As long as we pick one, and do it with excellence to make the name of Jesus famous, with that goal in mind, weā€™ll be emotionally fulfilled. Weā€™ll be satisfied. Because thatā€™s the goal. Not making movies, or whatever it is you want to do. Not having secure means of living. Justā€¦living our lives to make who Jesus is famous. We can do that wherever.
So then the choice? It becomes a minor, not a major, and the pressure of ā€œwill I be happy?ā€ is off, because happiness isnā€™t found in that stuff. And whenever I forget, and start looking for happiness in my dreams, goals, career, thatā€™s when it all starts to feel dark and stressful and hard and crushing. Because it was never meant to give me happiness or fulfillmentā€”thatā€™s a need only Christ can fulfill.
Donā€™t misunderstand me. He cares what you do. He cared about every decision you make, and He does have a plan. But thatā€™s going to happen anyway. So just pray, consider which option is a) wise to go for and takes care of the responsibilities God has entrusted you with, b) which option you genuinely want, when your wants are not influenced by fears, and then c) step out and do it in faith. And do it with the mindset of, ā€œIā€™m doing this, and Iā€™m not thinking about the alternative if I can help it, and Iā€™m also not putting all my happiness-eggs in this basket, because even if it crashes and burns, hey, Iā€™m still one with Christ and I can still make Him famous no matter what road my career goes down.ā€
I hope this helps. Itā€™s a subject Iā€™m hamster-wheeling around in my mind right now a lotā€”but when I just fix my eyes on Christ and think about how the most important things, the things that give real joy and happiness, are already and forever taken care of and I canā€™t mess them upā€”then can get off the hamster wheel and enjoy the life Heā€™s given me, right now, today, without worrying about the future.
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