#except later it devolved into pure fiction lolol

[monsieurboyardee]

Tw // biphobia

One of these days I will write a fic where wwx is falling in love with lwj but he hadn't known he was bi beforehand but instead of just the intense denial there will be slightly less denial so that I can reflect on my own experience with being bi yet never having dated through wwx

Wwx doesn't really like women's voices in porn. Like it's fine he can listen to it, he just really prefers men's voices. This doesn't make him gay though, he tells himself (later, he will reflect, and he will laugh himself silly).

He finds himself staring at men a lot, more so than a straight man probably should. It's all for the aesthetics though, right? Nothing wrong with that.

He's been into girls since the first grade, when he first fell for a sweet girl in his class whom he liked to talk about wii games with. He's only ever been into girls, though that's not saying much seeing as he's only really been interested in a few.

But then lwj comes along. And he's super standoffish and a stickler for the rules but he's the most beautiful boy wwx has ever seen. And so wwx begins bothering lwj every chance he gets bc he Needs lwj to look at him, needs his attention to be only on him. At first he doesn't think much of it. He's an attention whore, this isn't news.

But then the years go by and wwx starts learning about sexuality, and what it means to be gay. He learns a lot through underground forums and maybe like jj stories and comments or smthn but he's still very into girls. So he's not gay, which is such a relief to him, bc madame yu would not be happy if it turned out he was gay.

But then he learns about bisexuality, and pansexuality, about all the different letters that make up the LGBTQ+ community and all of a sudden things start to click for wwx.

But he's never dated any girls, let alone any guys. So he doesn't know for certain. Maybe he just really wanted to be a part of this community, and now he's deluding himself. Maybe it's just a phase. Maybe he's making mountains out of molehills.

But as he starts trying to figure out what he is exactly, he starts to realize that he has been attracted to males in the past. He thinks back on all the crushes he's had, and he starts to pick things apart.

And then there's a school trip, and lwj and wwx have to share a bed. And somehow, while lwj is asleep, his leg ends up in between wwx's and his nose ends up pressed to his neck, and wwx gets so hard he has to disentangle himself and run to the bathroom to take care of things.

And then wwx sits on the counter and realizes that during this strange experience, lwj's gender never came to mind. Wwx was just into it regardless. And so then wwx let's out a sigh of relief c finally!!! He knows what he is now, he finally understands.

But then the rest of the fic would be about wwx's fear surrounding his realization at being bi and his Constant worry that he was mistaken, and that he's actually straight or he's actually gay or whatever. And then madame yu finds out, and she's demanding that he make a choice, and he keeps telling her that he can't, bc he's into girls and guys, and she keeps asking him "so what are you?! Are you gay or are you straight?!" And bc he spends so many years trying to convince her that he's neither that he never is given the chance to really allow himself to be in between labels, to reflect on what he truly is, bc he's constantly trying to convince madame yu of what he is and if he doesn't know himself how can he Possibly convince her?

But wwx's also a baby virgin kid whose never had his first kiss, so he still doesn't know whether he's actually bi or whether he's not, so he's constantly worried about whether or not he's been faking or whether he really knows what he is bc he just doesn't know.

And I think it'd be interesting to juxtapose wwx with lwj, whom in this fic would have known he was gay since he was like 8, who is so steadfast and sure of his sexuality that he doesn't understand why wwx can't seem to take pride in his label, or why wwx is constantly second guessing his sexuality and himself. And lwj asks wwx at some point like "are you into me or not" and wwx tells him he doesn't know, bc he thinks he is?? He really, really thinks he is, but what if he's not? What if his supposed feelings for lwj are Actually just a phase? he couldn't string lwj along like that, it would be so awful and so cruel to do that to him. And it frustrates lwj when they're younger, that wwx just never seems To know, but when they get older and lwj is more balanced and a modern interpretation to wwx's running away with the wen's occurs, he is okay with wwx not knowing, bc even though it's caused him so much heartbreak he understands that wwx just needs time, he won't be like this forever he just needs to become a bit more sure of himself.

And eventually when wwx is open and available to the idea of opening himself up to somebody and being able to rely on them completely, he and lwj kiss and it sucks bc they're not good at it but it's still amazing Bc it's lan Wangji, whom he really has been in love with this entire time, he wasn't just deluding himself. And they have sex and that sucks too but it's still amazing and wwx is finally at peace with the idea of himself being into men (there will still be instances where he Will second guess and will question, but he feels infinitely stronger in his perceptions of his preferences).

And maybe wwx is okay with the idea that he's never been with a woman, bc he recognizes that he doesn't need to date or have sex with woman to still be attracted to them, and that he's still bi regardless. Or maybe after he and lwj do their thing, he tells lwj that he needs to find himself just a little bit more first, just needs a bit more time, and it breaks lwj's heart to do it but he tells wwx that it's okay. And then wwx goes on a couple of dates, has a couple one night stands, and at the end of it is certain that while he has mostly been into women, he is still very much into men, and he finds comfort in his sexuality. But ultimately, he realizes that he really really loves lan zhan, so he goes to lwj and Confesses, and lwj confesses too, and they kiss and wwx feels happy and confident and comfortable with who he is, and the man that he now has by his side.

Btw lwj wasn't just like "oh do ur thing I'll wait for you" he was more like "I recognize that you need To figure out who you are before you are able to enter into a relationship, so therefore I encourage you to do that, and if I'm not what you want at the end of that then I will try my best to move on"