#except its not really my art idk its traced

[merlyn-red-0]

saw this tumblr ask asking about a kiss (and mr. neil gaiman responded with a kiss that was from The Sleeper and the Spindle, illustrated by Chris Riddell)

but I thought, well what if it was an aziracrow kiss after all idk

[neptuniadoesstuff]

My Reference Sheet of Phen 228.

A "censored" Ref of my ver of Phen 228 (Canon) for my Modern AU aka "Branches of a Paranormal Federation".

(What is censored are the faces & the severed limb as those are where the gøřə is.)

Bio (Major):

|| Code Name: Phen 228 | Aliases: "Watanabe Bird", "The Boiled One", Hakunata (Based on strange written letters that look similar to English) | Year & Place of Discovery: 2003, Pennsylvania (By the Ephrata Branch) | Current Wearibouts: Unknown | Other: Was discovered to have other variants of it whom have somewhat similar abilities although with different out comes | Main abilities: Cognito-Hazardous properties (When looked at, can cause quesdocoma & the manifestation of its being, can't be seen by others, only ones who are effected) | Ways to combat the effects: Wear blue-light glasses & earplugs, must be about 5 feet away from the screen at all cause ||

(Btw this is just info the Ephrata Branch has put down, as I'll be putting my own info here based on my head canons & the design/lore I gave Phen myself for this au. Although the Hakunata part is only for this AU & not the canon lore. This includes the design.)

(WARNING INCOMING! BL00D, GUTS, & GØŘƏ WILL BE HERE, PROCEED WITH CAUTION! FOR THESE ARE THE UNCENSORED REFS + FULL BODY REFS OF PHEN 228!)

(Also... Slight disturbing imagery for the reference photo)

The actual uncensored ref sheet & the full body ref. Yeh uh.. they look pretty messed up lookin but it's clear that Phen rlly isn't supposed to look.. Clean.. (Although I am waiting till the simps arrive.. Which I hope they don't-)

Bio (Written by... an outsider aka me lol)

|| Name: [REDACTED] | Aliases: Hakunata (A nickname given to by his sister) | Gender: Interseggs/Genderless (But is represented as male), He/They/It (Or any Pronouns but those are preferred) | Age: 100? (Not sure, I doubt Phen has a canon age-) | Height: Whatever rlly (But is normally like... REALLY TALL-) | Pride: No Idea. I doubt this spirit demon thing cares about being attracted to anything- | Species: A strange hybrid of a human & fallen angel | Family: A child named "Rei" & some other Phens (Example: Kasinoshi or "Priest) | Personality: Somewhat malicious, is a bit obsessive with a certain family, but seems to... weirdly care about his victims? (Idk its a whole bag of worms) | Occupation: Some false prophet frikker idk. Might've been a war criminal from Japan in a past life (WWII) | Powers: Able to give anyone who looks at it w/o protection pseudocoma & sleep paralysis, also able to communicate with anyone who is affected with their "curse". Can fly apparently (But is pretty lazy & doesn't rlly use their phantom arms to fly at all) | Other (aka unimportant stuff): Prob likes torturing a certain family he effected back in 2003, despises kids (except its own), gets very uncomfortable with anything sus (like me), loves stealing & consuming ppl's spines, prob not understanding how modern tech work, might commit a few war crimes here & there (which is a big nono), & is usually seen indulging himself in some Japanese things bcs it reminds him of the old times (Yes even the modern stuff) ||

& here is the Original/Reference Image!

(Update: fix some stuff in the Extra info thing bcs I don't grammar well.)

Credits lol-

Character: Phen 228 (Belongs to Doctor Nowhere aka Silas) (Although the design of Phen 228 not from the original image belongs to me.)

Art: Mine.

Reference Image Creator: Silas Orion aka Doctor Nowhere.

Program: IbisPaint x.

Bubs' TOS: Plz don't repost/steal, trace, or recolor my art WITHOUT MY PERMISSION! If you do, I'll take yur femur and pelvis.. SO, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT! (The PNS on my blog's pinned post clearly means "Please No Steal" plz follow that rule.) If you do post my art on anything like yur blog or somewhere else (With my permission) PLEASE CREDIT ME!

[louwsys]

- click for more info :pp

Hello everybody my name is Somber… I am a 17 year old artist who likes to draw their ocs and favorite characters!! :3

Things i like!!

Yosuke Hanamura

Gumi

Tails the Fox

My gf

Hatsune Miku

Bullying my friends Tashii and Morgan!!

DNI & Art Boundaries

Dni !

Proshippers / weirdos in general

Yeah thats really it idk

Art Boundaries !

You can use my art in pfps, edits, etc if credit me!!

Dont trace over it, if you do it for practice just dont post it

uhh you can print it out? I know some artists dont like that but i think its cool if u do it w mine. I feel cool then

LINK TO STRAWPAGE!!

(On top takes you to all my platforms except tiktok)

Other than that i hope yall enjoy my art and follow!! I like to draw a lot :3

[pattrat]

i just realised i never made a pinned post so here we go!!!

i'm patt, and this is my blog! everyone is welcome here as long as you're not a weirdo

currently i'm into wanopo, vocaloid in general and hypmic (and rats obviously)

SORRY THE LINKS ARE SO BIG i am on mobile idk how to do this,,

by the way #scrappatt is running on queue! it's my school/work/random places doodles that i just stick in a notebook (it's gotten absurdly THICK)

my other blogs!

@ratreblogs, where i shitpost and reblog stuff

@wanopo-daily, where i post something about wanopo every day except it's on queue so... not really everyday i guess

@02lendaily with rensama... who is not allowedon tumblr anymore or something i think 💔💔

tags in posts are okay but don't expect me to rb on main,,,, @ratreblogs is where its at!!! pls no pressure ask chains

@BANANACHEESECAKETAKEOVER for the akito and len brother dynamic! i run it w/ kenners

IMPORTANT:

DO NOT USE MY ART FOR AI UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

if you want to use it commercially you need to ask me first and if i say no IT MEANS NO.

i'd also like for nobody to trace my art or post it just as it is on other platforms without asking,, especially if taking credit for it,, Please..

private use (pfps, graphics) or non-commercial use/videos (edits, videos) is okay with credit :)

⬆️if you do use it for the above please tell me, i would love to see!

[tarantula-hawk-wasp]

Idk what I’d call my art style but at least I have one I guess? I alternate between being happy with it and with feeling like it’s boring and uninspired but that’s like all my art so... I am fairly happy with my art I just know I can improve in many ways even if I’m not sure what steps to take to improve

[kashuan]

What do you think it is about the old Saint Seiya style that is so much better? I much, much, prefer the old style too and I've never really been able to decide why. 🤔

Well for one, I'm biased and have a strong preference towards 70s-80s anime art in general over later styles LMAO But hmm, a few specific points do come to mind, at least in terms of why I like it more than the style used in the Hades arc.

First and foremost, I really dislike the coloring style used in the Hades arc. I was actually discussing this with the other day with @nuricurry, comparing these two stills:

This shot, from the anime, has a nice unified color palette, and the gold armor definitely reads as gold. The variation of colors used between the main part of the armor and the horns are different while both being pleasing shades of yellow. Unlike:

The piss yellow/slightly greenish? gold armors in the Hades arc comparatively just look bad to me. I'd like to say that's just the lighting of some shots, but no; although each gold armor does seem to have a slightly different shade used, somehow every single shade they picked was still going off a base of Urine. I would need to study it more, but from a quick glance I've taken at various screencaps, it seems like a lot of the armor shading was done with grey/black, which can be (and is, imo, in this case) a big no no.

idk if I'm totally making my point clear here, so I did this .2 second edit on that shot, putting an overlay color over it; see how these colors look like they actually belong together now (and the armor color isn't so nauseating dsgds). To me this looks better, but idk, might be personal preference there.

On the subject of palette, there was something else about Hades' that bugs me, which took me a moment to put my finger on. I think part of it has to do with this:

In the anime, the characters have a nice variation of skin tones which also adds to their overall unique character designs. I used these all from the same scene to be fair, and specifically to compare Seiya and Mu.

Meanwhile, why is everyone in Hades arc like...the Exact same color (or really close to it. There are a few exceptions, afair, with DM, Dohko, and Aiolia. But afair, 90% of the cast had this same light yellow flesh tone that doesn’t look all that good to begin. Even Ikki was colored that same shade, despite having the darkest skin tone of the main five in the anime. I don't think they should necessarily have to be beholden to the anime's choices since this is a manga adaption, but variety should be like...a character design given)

The anime also just had, at its best, some really nice, detailed art, especially in its portrait shots. A large part of that is found in line quality. Comparing these two similarish shots and look at the variation in line thickness on the anime art vs Hades’. It’s really artfully done in the anime here, especially evident in the facial features. Hades has a single line weight the whole way through. It gives it an almost a traced looking quality, and makes it feel more lifeless to me than the anime. (Oh wait I’m back on the color palette rant for a second here; curse you Hades arc for making purple haired Saga canon, for some reason. Blue haired Saga ie. The Same Color Hair As His Identical Twin(!!!) is superior Saga) Also, this is just personal preference, but I feel like the anime art excels in how it looks just a little less cartoonish than the Hades’ art (in the case of the above shots, the hair looking a little more like something that could Possibly exist irl, the eyes are a little smaller, etc), but I think that’s more just a general 80s vs 2000s anime thing. Okay, all that said, while the anime in its biggest budget episodes was amazing, I think I need to add a little footnote here to say it’s not like there weren’t episodes that Hades’ art was leagues above it.

(never forget going from things like this to this in the span of one episode)

[indig0g0]

If you are so against theft, why you friends with gabriel tho? There has been HOW MUCH evidence against him? I don't know, Newt. Seems Pretty Sus To Me. SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO TAKE THE HEAT OFF THE CURRENT SHIT AGAINST GABE I'M JUST SAYING-

Hi kids, first of all! His name is GABRIEL! Calling him not his name, when he doesn’t like it! Is just like misgendering! Anyway! Lets sit down for this! I was waiting for you (or maybe it was someone else!) to come back for this!

Did you know that its possible, as an adult human being, to disagree with everyone in a situation? Did you also know.... That there’s a difference.... Between using the same concepts? And OUTRIGHT TRACING SOMEONE’S ART? Did you know...... That there was more to the story... than bo’s callout post made it out to be? Did you know there was a third whole design in the mix?

Also before we get started I want to state that as a 25 year old man, who has been in multiple different art communities. You cannot steal a concept. You cannot steal a concept. YOU CANNOT STEAL A CONCEPT. There are 800 trolls with white porcelain masks! There are 800 trans masc jadeblood trolls! These are all concepts! Iridescence as a concept! Is a CONCEPT.

Opalescence is a concept that is similar but different to iridescence.

ANYWAY!!!

LETS SIT DOWN FOR THE WHOLE STORY BECAUSE BOY HAVE I HAD ENOUGH OF BEING ASKED WHERE I STAND ON THIS!

Okay! So! Here’s the thing (the thing! Which I got from someone who WASN’T either Bo or Gabriel! Surprise! There’s AN OUTSIDE PARTY!)

Bo made an iridescent adopt! Gabriel wanted the adopt! But Liam bought the adopt first! Whatever! That’s the end of it of whatever that is! Bo and Gabriel stopped being friends in this time, i think, but that’s not my fucking business because i’m 25 years old and other people’s interpersonal problems aren’t my fucking business!!

Its reasonable here, then, to like the concept behind a design right? And you you probably think “oh this is where gabriel ripped off cosmit, right?” and you’d be wrong!

We’re going to cut to my favorite third party, a loving friend and wonderful person... Echo! Who makes adopts! As a source of income!

Who was like! Hey party people! Suggest themes for me to use in my next batch! of adopts! and now you think... oh... here comes opal.. WRONG AGAIN!

So what happened was... gabriel had been like “i saw this cool iridescent design, and the concept was really cool! maybe you should do an opalescent design!” and echo was like oh fuck yeah i’d love to do that! and so.... they did. Now i’m sure you’re thinking..... Oh it’s Opal!

Except. Actually it wasn’t.

The opalescent (NOT iridescent, they aren’t the same if you were wondering!) troll Echo original made? One of the ones that bo linked in their call out? Isnt opal.

It’s the original opalescent design that echo made! Which they.. Kept! That’s their Magiro!

This is magiro on the end! This is the original design!

this image? the girl on the bottom? THATS FUCKING MAGIRO. THAT IS ART. FROM ECHO’S BLOG. OF ECHO’S CHARACTER.

which looks..... NOTHING like...

this absurdly small screenshot i also pilfered from bo’s callout post! Of cosmit!

Who’s sprites I will not post out of respect for Liam because I have not asked him if I can use it! But the original is necessary so it’s here anyway. (I have permission from Echo to post the originals here! FYI!)

Now because they ended up keeping Magiro! They said! I’ll make you one for free with the same general concept! And lo!

Opal was born! This was the design that Echo did for gabriel! This is opal! As you can see... She looks nothing like cosmit! Except for the fact that she has

dark skin is meant to be black coded and has a similar theme. she even has a nose rings You can see it under her glasses!

and so these are the sprites Gabriel made based off the design ECHO made him

‘

Now! Here’s where it gets hinky!

Here’s where I don’t agree with either party!

Bo and Liam were upset that Gabriel (and Gabriel alone) apparently ripped off Opal! I don’t see it, and I don’t think you can steal a concept either! But whatever theyre adults they can make their own conclusions!

Now where I don’t agree with Gabriel is... Gabriel started making posts (after being told he was accused the first time, idk by who) about Opal being the BEST opalescent troll in the community! Which is fucked up! It’s immature and I was upset with him for it! And then it spiralled a little!

Gabriel got a call out blog made about him for reasons OTHER than opal! The callout blog tried to bring up opal! Liam made a public statement that he and gabriel were handling it privately! And I thought that was going to be that on that!

or was it!

So in private, and bo’s “call out” will confirm this, the whole party eventually agreed that Gabriel would be making edits to opal to make her theme different instead of white opalescent blah blah, this all is NOT my business and frankly I don’t fucking care.

My problem comes in when it become not enough for bo that Gabriel to make changes to or stop using Opal altogether and started... Boxing gabriel into a new solution? Because Gabriel apparently wasn’t bending over backwards enough? I don’t fucking know! It’s not my fucking business! DURING a time of crisis. DURING. BO DID THIS WHEN GABRIEL WAS ALREADY IN A POSITION TO HAVE A HARD TIME SAYING NO. THIS IS FUCKED UP NO? But! I don’t know how you can post screenshots of you saying “You’re having a bad time because of this tropical storm about to rock your shit and I hate you and want you to go away Take this Hilariously Low sum of money for a character with tons of art and effort” and then think you’re like. In the right here? Bo admits they were stupid angry and that they cancelled the deal on a whim IN Their call out post! And then turned around, in their anger, and started threatening gabriel ! That’s literally blackmailing him! Because he wasn’t doing what they wanted! it’s all literally in the post! I read the whole thing! Gabriel came back with a counter, which was getting rid of Opal altogether including making the replacement in the story NOT black coded, NOT a woman (explicitly stated to be transmasc for the new concept), No piercings etc.

Bo then, later AGAIN during a time of Financial and real life crisis (their confrontation was sent within HOURS of the announcement of another hurricane about to rock houston) decided to turn around and verbally berate Gabriel about how he failed to deliver his apology, turned around, and tried to post a largely evidence-less call out about him.

The reason for Bo doing this?

Gabriel reblogged female-coded aesthetic into the tag. And that was all the proof Bo needed that GABRIEL IS A LIAR BLAH BLAH

heres the thing.

gabriel and i are in a different artist’s server together.

Gabriel has posted the wip of the new design into the server. I’ve seen it. with my own two fucking eyes.

in fact. the new design. BARELY EVEN LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING TROLL AT ALL

IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE COSMIT

IT DOESNT EVEN FUCKING LOOK LIKE OPAL

BO WENT OFF THE RAILS

FOR LITERALLY NO FUCKING REASON

AND NOW A BUNCH OF 17 YEAR OLDS ON TUMBLR

ARE TRYING TO RUIN NOT ONLY HIS LIVELIHOODS, BUT ALSO EVERYONE AROUND HIM

OVER A DESIGN THAT WAS 3 CONCEPTS REMOVED FROM THE ORIGINAL

ANYWAY TLDR: they both handled this extremely poorly! I do NOT agree with Gabriel’s handling of Bo’s and Liam’s initial concerns! But I SUPER don’t agree with “i own blackcoded opalescent characters as a concept bc i said so” and but mostly?

I really disagree with bo’s attempts to use the crisis of a TROPICAL STORM to solicit the response THEY ALONE wanted.

THIS is why I have bo blocked. I could give a shit LESS about all the other bullshit. Do I like it? No. It is my business? no.

But the sheer fucking LACK OF EMPATHY displayed here is FUCKING ASTOUNDING.

Theres actually OTHER reasons I don’t like bo, which are all 100% unrelated to all this fucking horse shit! But that’s my fucking business!! anyway!! fuck off!!

[benhaardy]

constellation || b.m.

(what a man ^)

REQUEST: Hello! Could u do a college!bri with reader in which she’s like majoring in something completely different than Bri but they have a mutual friend (could be Roger) and Bri is so infatuated with her because her major is more like arts and stuff and idk lots of fluff?

A/N: eeeeee i loved writing this smmmmm i really hope yall like it even though it’s prettttttyyy specific tbh lol but if you don’t like arts or whatever bri is still a cute lil loverboy in this just imagine him but with your own work? writing or music wise or anything else really. i hope you enjoy cause i lovvvveed writing this. absolutely loved it. i use that phrase too much. anyway, i just really really liked this one it took me like two whole days to do it lol sorry that took awhile and to people w other requests i got u im still workingg on yalls.

requests are clooooseeed at the moment and i am currently working on the ones i have. you can still send them in but they will not be done/started until i am finished with this batch.

the “rings” / “halos” mentioned aren’t like an angel halo w the circle floating above. its like the paintings that depict the virgin mary? i’ll link a pic right here.

as always, tried to make this as neutral as possible for the reader, but it is fem!reader. there might be something pertaining to height…? but i doubt its anything substantial lol shoutout to y’all tall peeps.

this can be read as normal queen or borhap!queen.

happy new years folks! hope y’all enjoyed yours as i have enjoyed mine. hope you enjoy this fic like i did too lol :p thanks for sending this request in!

Wordcount: 2.4k

Warnings: one fuck word. fem!reader. p fluffy. was beta’d halfway, but proofread. APOLOGIES i don’t know much about space or the sky or stars… all info i got about constellations were from this website (lifesaver lol i really hope its accurate). i’m writing this at 4 am, all worth it lol i looooved this story. anywhere here’s constellation *pulls out guitar*

You stepped back to observe the basic outline that you drew on the canvas. It was a shell of what you wanted to actually paint, currently, but in a few hours, it would be quite the opposite. You moved the easel and canvas around so it wouldn’t be against the light of the large panels of glass surrounding you in what was supposed to be a breakfast nook which you had converted into your art “room”.

You were ready.

You took a deep breath and went to grab an old shirt that you could put on before painting. Going through the kitchen, then the foyer, then the stairs, you went straight to Roger’s room, a place where you could find a crappy ripped, and possibly faintly sweat-scented top to throw on. Your favourite flatmate wouldn’t mind, now would he?

You rummaged through his drawers, careful not to make a mess of his nice shirts or the ones he wore to gigs. Finally, you found an old Hendrix t-shirt that was already splattered with paint. Perfect. You took off your shirt, threw on the new one and put the old top in the laundry.

As you went down the stairs, you heard a noise that sounded like it came from the kitchen. It was probably one of the dogs messing around with your canvases. Quickly, you jogged towards your art room, where a familiar blonde boy was crouching down, viewing the propped up half-finished painting that was drying. There was a tall, curly-maned man shuffling through your masonites.

“Uhh…hello?” You said, confused. Who was this? Obviously, there was Roger, but he hadn’t brought anybody home except for the occasional girl. Rog stood up from his place and the other man had turned around to look at you, sheepish.

Your best friend came around the easel to hug you around your neck, a cigarette in his fingers and your arms around his waist. “Hello, love,” he said. He let go and moved to face the new guy watching both of you. “Y/N, Brian. Brian, Y/N. Brian, this is my closest friend and she loves painting. Y/N, I’m in his band now! Smile!”

You exclaimed, “Oh my god, Rog! That’s amazing!” You were glad his endless practice and jam sessions were working out. Roger was back to looking at your other paintings. Now, you faced Brian. “Hey, Brian. What do you play?” you noticed his hand still on the hardboards. “What were you looking for?” you questioned.

“Oh, sorry.” Brian took his hand off the boards. “I play the guitar.” You made a mental note of that. “I just noticed this one up on the front here… Is this Rog?” He pointed to the first board, which was a painting of Roger from the shoulders up. He had a halo of fire surrounding his head in a circle and he was looking up above. The background was of the night sky, the constellations Leo, Phoenix, Lynx, Hercules, Draco, Vulpecula, and Auriga around him, multitudes of small stars smattered in the blank spaces.

“Yeah, it is. It’s part of a new series I’m doing. It’s my friends and constellations that relate to them. I saw the stars in a book and I thought it looked great so, yeah. It’s fine if you want to take a look.”

Roger was shuffling through who-knows-what when he added, ”Bri majors in physics and all that—the stars.”

“That’s so cool! I’ve always been interested in space and such but my passion has always been in the arts. I major in fine arts.”

Bri smiled and nodded, still examining the painting of Rog and tracing the constellations. “This is gorgeous,” he whispered to himself as you were distracted by Rog giving his input on one of your other paintings.

--

You positioned yourself in front of your easel once more, the boys off to the living room to practice with each other. You primed your canvas, mixed your colours, and set out your brushes. A picture of your subject was taped up on the canvas holder of your easel and the book of constellations was set up on the table next to you. Roger and Brian’s session was great background music for your painting time. You found yourself tapping your foot to the beat.

A few hours later, your painting was done. It was modelled after one of your classmates in your European History class. You stood back and put your hands on your hips. You painted her from the side, sitting on her calves. She wasn’t wearing anything, her chest only covered by a wave of water that led up to another halo surrounding her head. She was looking down at her hands, clasped in her lap with the constellations and stars above her. Her curly, caramel brown hair was splayed out behind her and upon her shoulders, droplets of water among them. You were quite pleased with your first (somewhat) nude where you captured the curves of her body true to what she looked like.

You heard Roger and Brian finish up their set and go into the kitchen. The fridge door and cupboard opened and closed. They walked into your space, Roger with a towel around his neck and Brian a little more disheveled than before. Brian’s top buttons were undone, exposing two necklaces. “Hm,” you thought as you watched him drink from his glass of water standing in the doorway, “Hmmmmmmmmmm.”

Your best friend went around and looked at your artwork. “Damn, who is that?” Roger asked, clearly interested in who your painting was of. He took a sip of water.

You took the picture off the easel and replied, ”None of your concern, Rog.” You shook your head, snickering along with Brian.

Brian walked to your other side and viewed your painting himself. You looked for his opinion on his face. “Wow, Y/N,” he mumbled, “Aquarius, Cassiopeia, and Eridanus are they?

“Correct.”

“This is beautiful, absolutely beautiful. The way she looks, so sensual yet innocent. Wow, Y/N. This is great,” he said quietly.

“Thank you, Brian. That means everything.” Brian smiled at you, bashful.

A new friend (and basically, new flatmate) was made that day.

--

A few months had passed. Smile had been doing great. Roger, Brian, and you were close as ever. Often, you went to their practices and sketched your surroundings, often Roger drumming or Tim singing. You loved seeing Brian’s vibrant smiles but him still paying careful attention to his playing. You would sit at the bar and sketch, or do homework, or just drink. Roger’s cheeky grin and Brian’s reserved but bright twinkle were always there for you up on that stage.

You were at the park with Bri at his invitation while Rog was off with his girl and Tim was somewhere doing something else. He met you with a blanket, his physics textbook, and a few writing utensils and you met him armed with a sketchbook and a bunch of pencils. It was a sunny, British summer day. You greeted each other and found a tree to sit under. Brian spread out the blanket for both of you and you sat down.

Much of your days with him weren’t always so silent. You had helped each other study often. He was often at your side when he was done practicing with Rog, the adrenaline that coursed through him making him seem like a child, a contrast to the calmness of your art process. After shows, he would be so talkative, willing to speak for a long time about anything and everything. You two would frequently be the only two left at the bar after a gig, Roger giving you his customary sly smile behind Bri’s shoulder as you conversed into the late hours.

He loved hearing of your endeavours in art and your classes and never failed to ask to see the new drawings of the new. Usually, you were shy to show other people what you had made but you just had this openness around him. You knew if he had any judgments he would say them in a constructive manner but he never seemed to put too much attention on your mistakes, rather being a “fix it and move on” type of person.

You liked him a lot, really. It didn’t help at all that he was intelligent and attractive and helpful and just a great guy all aro— never mind. Check off all of the boxes for “things you want in a man”. You tried not to pay attention to it too much.

Both of you were off to your own devices, buried in your work. A slight breeze came about, feeling wonderful against your skin. You looked back at Bri sitting against the tree, the wind shifting his hair and his book in his lap. You went back to your own thing.

“Y/N?” Brian spoke up after a while.

“Yeah?” You replied back, still focused on your drawing.

“Could I watch you draw? If that’s alright with you. You pick out the perfect colours and compositions and everything. It’s fascinating. Everything just comes together exemplary.” He spread his hands out at “exemplary.”

“Of course, Bri,” you said, flattered. “Of course.”

Bri moved closer to you, pretty much right behind your shoulder. You flipped to a new page in your book and set to work. He watched your pencil as it flew across the paper, depicting a sleeping dog with a couple that was sitting the next tree over. You could feel his eyes settle upon your face momentarily, heat rising up to your cheeks.

“You know, Y/N. You make a pretty funny face when you’re drawing,” he laughed. Brian played with a piece of grass absentmindedly but still paid attention to your drawings and now your eyes.

“Oh yeah, Bri? What’s that face you’re speaking of?” You took a look at him. He pursed his lips and pushed them out to the left; he drew his eyebrows together and pretended to draw in thin air. You giggled together at his silly (albeit, quite realistic) impression of you.

“To be fair, you have one too, when you’re playing,” you teased.

“How so?” Bri acted like he was offended.

“Well, I can’t really do it and nor is it as severe as mine… but when you play, it’s as if nothing else in the world matters to you but in a good way. It’s like, ‘Who cares about uni? Who cares about anything else?’ You kind of just look like it’s you and your guitar against the world, right? It’s quite nice, watching you play,” you said, voice getting quieter as you continued.

“It is true. Us against the world.”

--

Two weeks had passed. Rog went out with his girlfriend after a session with Bri so you were left alone with the guitarist. He was in the living room making up his own compositions and writing songs like he normally does while you stayed in your little studio. A little lamp was clamped to the table next to your easel so you could have a soft light on your canvas. You painted until Brian came in, standing at the threshold.

“Hello, love,” you said gently. You set down your brush and stretched.

“Hi, babe,” he replied back, advancing forward.

You remembered what you were going to show him and in a split second, you practically screamed, “No, Bri, wait!” He put his hands up and froze in his spot. “Just stay there, okay? Close your eyes.” The guitarist lowered his hands and obeyed.

You quickly moved to take the painting on your easel and prop it against the wall alongside the other drying ones. You looked through the finished paintings and came across the one you were looking for. After grabbing it, you set it up once more. The finished product after hours of work was finally on display. You came back around Brian and guided his towering self to your normal space in front of your painting spot. “Open your eyes.” He did.

You both looked at the piece of artwork in front of you. There was a large smile on his painting self’s face and his eyes were closed. His head was tilted back, up at the stars surrounding him. Bri’s curls were framing his face, small stars speckled throughout them. A ring of water was around his head. “Cancer, Circinus, Leo Minor, Lyra. Pyxis, Telescopium, Camelopardalis,” he said, so quiet you could barely hear it. You watched as he admired the painting of himself, one that you put so much work into to make special.

You nodded. “It’s you, Bri. That’s what I was drawing in the park. I was just doodling but I looked at you and you just looked so—pretty?” You both laughed at your words, but you continued on. “That’s the word. Pretty. With the sunlight and everything, the grass was so vibrant… you were glowing! I couldn’t help it, so I drew you for reference. And then I painted you,” you said, calm and shrugging your shoulders. “I thought it was fitting, you in space, looking like you were at home. I wanted to incorporate something music and the closest thing I could do was Lyr-“

“Oh my goodness, Y/N. This much thought? You didn’t have to do any of this, I’m so grateful, I love it so much! But I’m just Brian, I don’t deser—”

“I wanted to do this, Bri. Trust me. You listened to me rant on and on and on about how my what I was doing didn’t look good, or what I was drawing, or how I was drawing something. You are so encouraging and attentive and just amazing, Bri, I couldn’t help it. It was really no problem. You deserve it. And there’s-there’s one more thing.” This was it! You weren’t really planning on telling him your feelings after showing him your piece but now here you were.

He asked, oblivious, “What thing?” Bri was beaming at his portrait and now beaming at you.

“I really like you, Bri. A lot. You’ve been there for a lot and we’ve supported each other and I just-” He hadn’t said anything. The same surprised look was still on his face. Fuck. “And I mean, like, you know, I j-“

He seemed extremely taken aback at your declaration but his face melted into tenderness. “I like you too, Y/N.”

You exhaled, “Thank god!” Both of you laughed, the shared relief between the both of you evident.

Brian leaned in and you closed the gap. His lips felt amazing against yours after all this time waiting and the moon shone softly upon you both as you shared this moment.

--

Brian :

Cancer: The Crab ~ his astrological sun sign

Circinus: The Compass ~ helps people find their way, ever helpful

Pyxis: The Compass ~ mariner’s compass, i feel like he j knows himself really well and he’s a water sign so lol

Telescopium: The Telescope ~ self-explanatory lol

Leo Minor: The Little Lion ~ his hair. roger got the “big” lion by default so i gave bri the little lion!

Lyra: The Harp ~ closest thing to music

Camelopardalis: The Giraffe ~ :pppp

Roger :

Leo: The Lion ~ his astrological sun sign

Phoenix: The Firebird ~ he fiery

Hercules: The Strong Man ~ i’d like to think he would request this himself once he saw the series of pieces you were doing.

Draco: The Dragon ~ why not, plus i feel like he’d like it

Vulpecula: The Little Fox ~ he got the foxy moxy.

Auriga: The Charioteer ~ apollo and his chariot, rog is the sun <3

Lynx: The Lynx ~ not a very easily seen constellation, so you need good eyesight to see it. i thought it was ironic because of rog’s bad eyes LOL

The girl in the painting (you know who you are :)):

Aquarius: The Water Bearer ~ her sun sign

Cassiopeia: The Queen ~ self-explanatory hah

Eridanus: The Celestial River ~ water, relates to sun sign

[alltheangstmygifttoyou]

Other art done was when season two episode two of Helluva Boss came out and my favorite owl boy put on his human disguse. Took a shit ton of screen shots on my phone so I could do those things where people redraw scenes or whatever. I wanted to do a lot more than 2 but for one they're slightly infuriating to do and for two I had a specific sketchbook I was drawing in and its not where I think it should be and looking for it is a lot of energy I dont have. So, uh, anyway, heres some screenshots and my sketches:

I do not remember what exact photos I used as reference to redraw. I'm not quite sure how this kind of drawing should be referred to, its not traced (my life would be so much easier if it was since more often than not I want to play with color ;_;) but its definitely copied. I mean, the goal was trying to get it as close as the screenshot (original) as I could. I remember there has been disputes in art communities for years about tracing vs copying vs referencing and im not confused about it for the most part except for this kind of drawing. Idk, it probably doesn't matter, pretty sure its obvious I dont make or have anything to do with any part of the show so im not claiming any real credit, and im making a tumblr post with all the images under a read more, no money is being made here.

Im suddenly starting to understand why I've been so anxious about being vocal on the internet- im worried about this kind of post getting me in legal trouble or instigate some sort of hate campaign against me. I keep noting that my intrusive thoughts are getting bad again and my nerves are shot- but the laptop and social media anxiety being this bad is worse than normal. Something is going on here... hmm. I really genuinely can't wait for therapy this week.

[noragottem]

Promise Baby, You'll Love Me Forevermore

So uh hi. ive never written a naruto fic before this really so i guess this is a good start. 

word count: 1961

Rating: T i guess 

inspired by this fic right here and my contribution to kiba week. give jaz some love this fic is amazing. also be nice to me maybe idk okay here goes

@princejellychu @ino-buta @for2buns

It’s a fine, nearly spring day when Kiba first lays his eyes on what has to be the finest boy he’s ever seen. 

The dogs are running low on food and Kiba’s been sent to fix that. It’s a good long walk usually canceled out by a car he’s no longer allowed to use. At least til his momma forgives him. He spots Naruto’s bright yellow hair as he enters the store and resists the urge to tackle him. Naruto’s not alone and Kiba has some kinda home training. “Que pasa pendejo?!” He yells across 3 aisles. Home training never included an inside voice. The group turns around and Kiba recognizes the redhead; Gaara, knows how to party, always brings coke but exclusively for Naruto. The tall blonde with the large space puffs that are out of this world he doesn’t recognize but she fits the description of the girl Shika’s so hung up about. Kiba thinks he understand, her legs do go on forever. He doesn’t focus on her for long because last boy, dressed in all black from his beanie, to his fingerless gloves, to his combat boots has his attention in a vice grip. If the outfit wasn’t enough the boy has on dark purple lipstick he’s matched to his eyeshadow. Kiba dubs him “sexy goth” and needs his name immediately. The sudden wave of dehydration makes him trip over his own feet. He doesn’t fall, thank god, his reflexes are usually on point. He smoothly gathers himself making his way over to Naruto. “Gonna scare all the customers with that racket, dog breath.” Naruto says with a smile slinging his arm around Kiba’s neck in a not so gentle hug. “I’m sure Lee wouldn’t mind.” Kiba replies when Naruto releases him. “Who do we have here?” “Well you know Gaara. This his brother and sister.” Naru says pointing to each respectively. “Temari,” the blonde says waving with the bag of chips in her hand. “Kankuro.” Sexy goth says, and offers his hand to Kiba. Kiba takes it with a lopsided grin. “Kiba. My mom owns the kennel, good friend of Naruto’s. Single.” Kankuro raises his brows, impressed. If Kiba takes too long to let go of his hand he doesn’t say. “You didn’t tell me your Suna friends were fine as hell.” Kiba says to Naruto in Spanish. “You never asked.” Naruto says. — Later when everyone gathers at the Namikaze house his friends shake their heads at him. “You ever met a bitch named shame?” Shika asks. He’s propped up against Naruto’s bed nursing a can of beer. “We’re not on speaking terms right now.” Kiba shrugs from the beanbag in the corner. “I cannot believe that worked.” Chouji says. “What can I say? I am a gentleman.” “If you’re a gentleman I’m fucking lawyer.” Naruto says from the edge of his bed. They all crack up and Ms. Kushina yells that they better laughing over that homework. — The next time he sees Kankuro it’s two days later and he’s working his shift at the kennel. He’s mostly waiting for lunch time. The dogs are clean and in their cages waiting to be adopted. Hana’s in the back serving them lunch when Kankuro stomps in donned in another all black outfit. Same boots, same fingerless gloves, but a black hoodie and baggy black jeans. Kiba notes he painted his nails the same purple as his eyeshadow and lipstick. Favorite color. Noted. “Welcome to Inuzuka Kennel,” he drawls and gives that same lopsided grin. “What can we do you for? A dog? A friend? Both?” He’s never been one for subtlety. Kankuro pretends to consider this. “I guess bit of both.” Kankuro matches Kiba’s grin and leans over the counter. Well then. The tension is strong and pulled taught. “I’m heading out for lunch Kiba you want anything?” Hana yells on her way out. Kiba doesn’t break eye contact with Kankuro and answers, “two pork shoulder sandwiches from Akimichis.”  He hears his sister confirm and the door shuts. “Why don’t you step back here and we can see about that?” — Hana comes back in exactly half an hour, ever punctual. Kiba is has his chair tipped back and his feet in the desk which his mom hates and Kankuro sitting on the desk which Hana frowns at. She hands Kiba the bag with the food and he hands Kankuro the other sandwich. “Aight, get back to work before Mom makes you scrub this whole place down.” Hana says. Kankuro takes that as his cue to go. “I think I might come back another time.” “Oh did you see one you liked?” Hana asks. Both boys smile. “Sure did.” — “I hope ya momma busts ya ass for fucking on the clock.” Chouji says throwing a couch cushion at him. “Speaking from experience?” Kiba says catching it easily and sticking his tongue out. He doesn’t tell them Hana slapped him upside the head twice but was merciful enough not to tell his momma. — “You sure you not moving too fast?” Naruto asks one afternoon in detention. Its almost summer. Almost vacation. He wears his mesh shirt to school because it’s just that hot and thinks the detention is worth it. Iruka sensei lets them do whatever for the hour as long as they don’t make too much noise or leave the room. Shika’s there for snoring in trig, Ino for skipping gym, Naruto got into another fight, and Sakura, apparently cussed out the history teacher. “Maybe,” Kiba says. They’ve only been on two dates at this point and yes Kiba is counting that time at work. He hogs the phone every other day just to talk to Kankuro. He never thought of himself as someone who could manage a long distance relationship but here he is. Except- “We’re technically not exclusive yet.” He confesses. Ino practically shouts, “Why the fuck not?” Iruka looks up from his newspaper and gives her a look that says, “Really?” Kiba shrugs and that only makes her more mad. “What’s the hold up? You like him, he likes you, you both are only seeing each other so what’s the problem?” She says waving her perfectly manicured nails around. (The elephant in the room blares but neither her or Sakura hear it) “There ain’t no problem. It’s just never come up.” Kiba doesn’t usually feel insecure but right now he’s uneasy. It’s too soon to say he’s in love, but he’s never had a relationship like this. “You should probably get on that quick then,” Sakura says. “It’s different when you can’t see them everyday.” Kiba doesn’t like the implication at all. His stomach sinks a bit and Iruka sensei dismisses them for the day. — Kiba doesn’t really ask for much for his birthday. He appreciates a good party even when it’s a few days late and loves being surrounded by friends and family. Even when certain friends abandon him for their new boytoys. Fucking typical. “Are you pouting, birthday boy?” Kiba looks up to see Kankuro and to say his face lights up is an understatement. “You came!” He all but tackles him and almost knocks the both them into Shinos table. Kiba can’t see his glare behind his shades but knows it’s there. He doesn’t care. “You’re surprised? Why wouldn’t I?” “Well,” Kiba starts. God since when does he get nervous? “We never really talked about being official or anything-“ “We haven’t? I’ve been telling everyone my boyfriend lives in Konoha.” At this Kiba laughs wholeheartedly. “That answers that.” “Sorry for not being explicitly clear, Scotty.” He presses himself impossibly closer and kisses him longer than ever necessary. “I also came bearing gifts.” “You mean you weren’t my present?” “Well yeah. Consider it my apology for not being able to stay.” Kankuro hands Kiba a tiny bag and smiles. “Only the best for the birthday boy.” “Holy shit I love you.” —

In a month or so momma Inuzuka will let Kiba take his permit test and Kiba will be allowed to borrow the car again. The first thing he plans to do is book it to Suna and spend a week in Kankuro’s bed. It’s just not fair he doesn’t get to go to Suna when Kankuro gets the privilege of travel from being a mayor’s son. Speaking of mayors sons-

“Ya boys are here to spring you.” His mom says as he’s finishing up a mornings worth of dog grooming. Naruto has the bright idea to take Shika to Suna to get him laid. Kiba doubts it will happen but now he owes Naruto big time and wonders if he should ask if he can read minds.

Kankuro’s tracing the scars on Kiba’s arms. They don’t hurt anymore but it’s still an ugly reminder. Kiba had called it “a present from Konoha’s finest,” always defaulting to jokes to keep the mood light.

Kankuro had given Kiba a brief tour of his room; from the various posters of metal and punk bands hung haphazardly to the small woodworking projects he’s accumulated over the years.

(This tour obviously ends with Kiba’s tongue down Kankuro’s throat. While Kiba enjoys hearing his boyfriend enthuse about his projects, that’s not really what his friends drove through a windstorm for)

“D’ya think Shika’s has any luck with Temari?” Kiba says comfortably snuggled up to Kankuro’s side.

“Nope. Which is sad because they’d probably be good together.”

“What’s the holdup?”

“It’s not him. It’s her and the fact that she’s currently into Hinata.”

“Shit, she is hard to compete with.”

“Just hope she doesn’t crush his heart into tiny pieces. That would make things awkward for us wouldn’t it?”

“Meh. Inconvenient more like.”

“Oh yeah I have something for you.” Kankuro suddenly remembers and Kiba pouts when he gets out of the bed.

“Why are you always the one getting me stuff.”

“I just like spoiling you.” He reaches into a drawer on his desk and Kiba hopes he’s not blushing too hard. “Plus, you did come all the way out here and it’s not like Suna weather is nice to you city folk.”

“Said the goth in the desert.”

“I’m committed to my art.” He holds up a chain with a single charm on it. Kankuro continues before Kiba can ask.

“My granny Chiyo gave this charm bracelet a long time ago. Don’t usually wear it because I’m afraid of losing it.”

“And this charm?” Kiba asks placing his hands under it.

“Is my favorite.” It’s a skull, painted a metallic purple with two black gem for eyes. “You gonna turn around so I can put it on you or just stare?”

Kiba’s never been one for jewelry but there’s no way he’s ever taking it off.

—

+

“So this is famous novio.” Tsume says as Kankuro steps out the car.

“Miss Inuzuka-“

“Please call me Tsume. I don’t know what my son has told you but I’m not that old. Is this for me?” She says pointing to the present in Kankuro’s hands.

“That it is. Kiba said you were also a fan of this brand. Thought you would appreciate it.”

“Oh boy you didn’t have to butter me up I already liked you.”

“It’s no problem Miss Tsume.”

“Come on in Hana just made dinner.”

Kankuro slips into the house and Tsume catches Kiba by the back of his collar. “You didn’t defile my car did you?” She asks him in Spanish.

“Who do you take me for?” Kiba asks, scandalized.

She hooks an arm around his neck and rubs her fist against his head. “I take your for my son.”

Kiba groans but he can’t argue. Lying to his momma is useless anyway. The inevitable punishment is worth it.

[artificialqueens]

How to Adore the Seasons 2/4 (Adore-centric) - Mac

AN: Hi there friends! This is the second part in a four part series I’m doing where I pair up Adore with someone else and a season to describe how that particular person loves Adore. Idk if that makes sense. Oh well.

Summary: It’s Adore’s birthday, and Alaska has planned some surprises.

Summer (Alaska/Adore):

“She turned to the sunlight

   And shook her yellow head,

And whispered to her neighbor:

   “Winter is dead.” ― A.A. Milne, When We Were Very Young

Adore woke up to the sound of screaming.

Then she let herself slump back into the cool sheets when she figured out where, or more specifically, who the sound was coming from.

She groaned and pulled the blankets over her head, as Alaska poked at her with her nail-less fingers.

“Rise and shine bitch. Let’s go.”

“Mhhhhhmph.” Came from under the blankets.

“What? I can’t hear you.” Adore could feel the smile in Alaska’s voice, and it made her want to strangle the blonde even more than normal.

Adore removed the covers and pointedly looked, well tried to look, her eyes were practically glued shut, at Alaska. “I said fuck you.”

Alaska mocked offense, “Is that any way to treat your elders.”

“When they wake you up at 4 in the morning it is.”

“We gotta get going if we want to catch it.”

Adore wasn’t going to ask what they were supposed to catch. She wasn’t. She was going to go back to sleep. She wasn’t goin-“Catch what?” SHIT

“You’ll see.” Alaska said with a smirk that wasn’t altogether menacing, but definitely not reassuring. “But you have to GET UP first.”

They played tug-of-war with the blankets for a few minutes before Adore’s fatigued muscles gave out. “Fine. But fuck you still.”

Alaska gave a little victory dance that Adore attempted, and failed, not to laugh at. She then began traipsing about Adore’s room, throwing open curtains and humming some ridiculous song that Adore couldn’t be bothered to figure out. Adore took her sweet time getting up and dressed, pointedly ignoring Alaska’s huffs when she took too long. Just as the shirt went over her head, Adore’s world went dark.

“The FUCK?” Adore pulled at the blindfold.

Alaska batted her hands away. “It is a surprise! Keep it on.“

“If you make me fall, I swear.”

“I won’t. Just trust me.”

Adore bites her tongue on a smart reply and allows herself to be lead to a car and driven away. “If it were anyone else,” she mumbles to herself.

Adore hears Alaska fumble with something for a minute, then the unmistakable sound of a disk tray retracting, and suddenly the car is full of music.  And curse Alaska for knowing all of Adore’s favorite music. She was really trying to be angry at the older queen, but the unconscious smile on her lips gave her away.

Alaska saw it, but wouldn’t mention it. She would however, file it away in her mind to be brought out at a later date. And that feeling that accompanied Adore’s smile would also need to be analyzed later. But now, now wasn’t about her.

Alaska kept checking her watch nervously, and gave an audible sigh of relief when they finally arrived. She hopped out and pulled Adore with her. The two walked only a few steps before they stopped.

“Just one more minute now.” Alaska said, mainly to herself. They stood side by side for what felt like ages, before Adore felt Alaska’s hands beside her face.

Adore’s world went from pitch black to full of color in .2 seconds. The sunrise filled the entire horizon line and Adore’s lungs to the brim.

“Wow.” Adore breathed.

“Yeah.” Alaska smiled.

The orange sun was just barely peeking its head up around the curve of the earth, but the color had spread already. Pinks and light purples mixed with blues and yellows around the edges of the horizon. The whole thing blended together to paint the most beautiful art piece either queen had ever seen.

The two stood there for what felt like ages but also only seconds. The sun was no longer eye level when Alaska slipped the blindfold back on Adore’s face.

“HEY!” Adore shouted in indignation.

“We aren’t done yet.”

Adore smiled. A full-unbridled one this time. If this next surprise was anything like the first she knew waking up at the ass-crack of dawn would be worth it.

They drove for a much shorter distance this time. Adore noticed, because she had only just started to get comfortable when Alaska came to a stop. They both hopped out, and Adore smiled again. Her favorite breakfast place. She could tell by the smell alone. It was only open one day of the week, and at the most awful times. As a creature of the night, Adore never could find herself awake before 11:00am, and thus, she missed her opportunity for the most delicious omelet every week.

Adore was ecstatic, and then she was confused. It was a Tuesday. This place was only open on Thursdays. Alaska, sensing the question at the tip of her tongue, tried to move them along by pulling off the blindfold and shaking her hands as if to say ‘ta da.’ Adore let it go for now, the rumbling in her stomach taking priority.

They entered the empty restaurant, picked the best seat in the house, and had their food within minutes of sitting down. Adore didn’t hesitate before digging in. Alaska, ever the patient one, was content to wait a few moments between each bite and just smile at the younger girl.

When Adore finally came up for air, Alaska spoke softly, “Happy Birthday Danny.” Adore beamed at her, and the older queen immediately burst into giggles. Adore looked at her confusedly until Alaska motioned with her hand at her own face. “You’ve got something right…” Adore struggled for a few moments before Alaska took pity, and wiped the stray cheese residue from her cheek. Adore and Alaska sat in relative silence afterwards. There was no rush, there was only time.

Adore isn’t sure how long they sat, only that when they finally got up, the newborn sun now hung high up above them.

Alaska re-did the blindfold and proceeded to take Adore to every activity Adore enjoyed doing, and even some things she had never done before. They went to a trampoline park, and got so incredibly sweaty that Alaska would definitely need to get her car deep cleaned. They had a picnic in the arboretum. They went zip-lining and swimming and talked for hours about the complexities of life, drag, and the pursuit of marijuana. Adore couldn’t remember a time she felt more understood by another person.

Till the last stop.

Adore let herself once again be blindfolded and whisked away to an undisclosed location. This time, when they came to a halt, Adore couldn’t even begin to figure out where they were. She listened for any identifying sounds, but her brain kept coming up empty. All she could tell was that they were outside. Alaska led her by the hand up a few wooden stairs, and then allowed her to stand by herself a few moments.

“You can take it off now.”

Adore did as instructed, and the resulting chant of “Happy Birthday” rung out. Adore spun around wildly, trying to get a glimpse of everything and everyone. All around her were the people she loved most in her life, a beautifully decorated park, and mountains of food. Before she could take it all in, her mother enveloped her in a huge hug. Bianca and Courtney followed next and squeezed the life out of her, whispering how proud they were, and getting a few jabs in here and there.

The party was magnificent. There was a pool and a gazebo and a food truck. Anything Adore could have ever needed was right with her. The party had Alaska written all over it.

Adore searched high and low for any trace of the blonde, but kept missing her. Finally she spotted the lanky queen, and Adore grabbed her friend before she could dart away.

“Hey Lasky. Uh. I just wanted to say thanks for everything today. You did so much, and I really have no idea why, cause its just little old me, but…but thank you. Really. For everything. “Alaska looked down at her, and for the first time that day, Adore could see some trepidation in her eyes. “Whats wrong Lasky?”

“I just…I didn’t want to tell you here. This is your party and you should be being happy with everyone.” Alaska looked this way and that, rather guiltily.

“What’s going on? You can tell me. Anything. You know that.”

Alaska looked unsure, but pulled Adore closer to her so she could whisper, “I’mmovingnextweektonewyorkforajobandiwantedtotellyoubuticouldntandimgoingtomissyousofuckingmuch”

“Wait, hold on, slow down. You’re moving?”

“Yeah.” Alaska was quick to clarify, “I wanted to tell you. All this time I wanted to, but I didn’t know how, and I knew as soon as I did it would be real.” The older queen looked devastated. “I’m just going to miss you, and I was scared I would lose you. So I put it off, and I think all those feelings bubbled up and then…this.” Alaska gestured to the party around them.

Adore looked at her long and hard. She wasn’t sure if she was angry or sad or happy. So she resorted to doing the thing she always did when she felt overwhelmed, she hugged Alaska.

It was a fierce, strong hug that left the two feeling equal parts better, and like they bruised some ribs.

“Ok.” Adore finally said.

“Ok?”

“Yeah. Ok. That doesn’t change anything. You are still my best friend. I still would do anything for you. I still think you are the most amazing person in this world. Nothing will have to change, except I guess that whole time change thing. But other than that, nothing has to change. You don’t have to lose me.”

Alaska’s face broke out into the biggest grin Adore had seen on her in a while. Alaska launched herself at Adore, and the two stood holding each other for ages, until Bianca yelled across the park at them to get a room.

They finally broke away from the embrace, but kept their fingers interlocked as they made their way back over to the others and they stayed that way till they reached the security line at the airport. And while they may physically have untangled their fingers at the gate, they would forever be intertwined.

[dramarising-replacement]

Hey, so, I guess this is considered late to add here already and is probably a pretty risky choice, but I’m the owner of the art shop who doesn’t draw LGBT+ shippings. I don’t have a Tumblr but I guess I can post anyways? Not quite sure how this works I’ve never actually been here before. But anyways, idk how best to start this. I’ve edited a message in my art shop which I guess I’ll just copy+paste here n edit out irrelevant stuff (as in would only really be relevant if I haven’t already mentioned the situation): “I wish to clarify that I do not hold anything against the LGBT+ community nor do I wish them any harm, and I do not see any kind of LGBT+ romance as sexual when it wouldn’t be if it were a straight couple as I’ve heard people implied. I don’t care if you’re gay or trans, heck, I don’t even care if you’re gay and married, I simply don’t agree with it as it goes against my personal beliefs, much in the same way as I do not agree with atheism. I do not refuse orders from those from LGBT+ and I’m not scared to talk to, be friends with (I already am in fact and I legit don’t care), or order service from them, in other words I don’t treat them or think of them any differently except in the direct aspect of those beliefs. I sincerely apologize for any misunderstanding or offense/harm from this refusal to affiliate. I never intended any harm in refusal to draw LGBT+ content (and again, I will still draw characters who are (and in addition although I don’t think I explicitly stated this I WILL draw LGBT+ characters doing things like holding hands or hugging as long as it is not clearly romantic in manner). I don’t see those of LGBT+ as any less human than anyone else and I really hope you don’t think I do. I also don’t hold anything against whoever shared my art shop in this way or whoever contributed to their argument, although I do wish they had found a respectful way to take their problems with my shop up with me privately. I don’t want to harm anyone, if I do I really want to know what I could fix or do better, I know I’m human like everyone else and I’m willing to hear if someone thinks I’ve made a mistake as long as they present it in a respectful manner. I’ve also edited my statement that I won’t draw LGBT+ in hopes to make it clearer I hold no ill will towards them. Again, I apologize for any misunderstandings or harm that’s come from it. I realize now that I should’ve been clearer as this can be a sensitive topic.

I noticed one issue I’d really like to address, the story about me commissioning someone and “deleting all traces of their art from my account as well as flipping out” upon learning they were gay/trans is NOT true in ANY way. They’ve provided not a shred of proof and I’m honestly pretty shocked that people would believe them. The closest I’ve come to deleting any trace of art is when I completely cleared my dragons’ bios in preparation for a change of plans with them (which I never got around to), but my posts asking/thanking people for the art are all still there and I’ve saved all of the art I received.”

So on actually being here there are a few more things I’d like to address that I didn’t want to make the focus of my art shop (I don’t even want to leave that message there forever but idek when I can). There were a lot of assumptions that both op and others made that I’d like to clarify on…

When they said I “don’t believe in gay marriage”, they were using arguments of others who don’t agree with gay marriage. I don’t share these beliefs nor have I ever said so.

About the whole gore vs nsfw vs LGBT+ n light romance stuff thing. Gore has never really bothered me. It’s just always been that way. Idk why or whatever but it’s just normal to me that I wouldn’t be bothered by it, I honestly don’t quite get why people are making such a fuss about just gore in general when it has nothing to do with LGBT+. That they said I’d be willing to draw gore that breaks the rules of FR is also an assumption. I took it that people would get that I respect the rules of FR in putting my basic “anything against its rules” thing, and thus get where the boundaries are. If those rules weren’t in place sure I would draw those things on there but I respect the staff and their decisions. I don’t like things that are too sexual in manner. That’s kind of another “just always been that way” thing. Some people hate gore and are completely fine with sexual content, some people are vice versa, and some either hate or are fine with both. And it’s not strange that they would, those are two entirely different things. LGBT+ and nsfw are also two entirely different things to me, hence my putting them in two different rules. I didn’t mean for them to correlate in any way and I’m sorry for the misunderstandings in that area. With the general romance, this is because of my personal beliefs. I’m fine with people holding hands or hugging or other things like that, but as I don’t agree with LGBT+ I would prefer not to draw ship art of that content. And I place stress on the word content because I think this is where most of the misunderstandings come from. I don’t hold a single thing against LGBT+, I see them as equals like I see atheists as equals (as I’ve made the comparison, I know they are different things but I’m just trying to make it clearer how I see this subject since it can be very sensitive and it’s where assumptions and all that eventually come natural after seeing so much of it).

Since I’ve also seen some saying things about their rights and all, I’d like to add that I actually don’t think gay marriage should be illegal, since that’s usually where those kinds of words are based on. I don’t think laws should be based simply on things of that sort that I disagree on.

And I’d like to brush over this again since I was genuinely shocked to see this. I have never, ever said anything derogatory to anyone I’ve ever commissioned, especially not on the grounds that they were a part of LGBT+. I don’t even have any idea if anyone I’ve commissioned even was a part of the LGBT+ community and I don’t care. I’d like to remind everyone that they have no evidence whatsoever for their claim. I’m willing to work with anyone if they think of how I can show proof of otherwise, but really if there wasn’t anything that happened I don’t know where to start myself since it wouldn’t leave anything. And lastly, you might be better off pming me if you want a reply, like I said I don’t have a Tumblr and I don’t really know how this site works so idk if I can reply to anything else. My username’s already been dropped, I’ve already received a few (thankfully polite and even supportive) messages. The op shared a considerable chunk of what I’ve said (it may have not seemed like much but all you need is a few sentences, sometimes even just one), given away the site and even the topic of my post, and initials for my username. I never really had much of a chance to stay anonymous with all of that so I wouldn’t be surprised with getting more. Again, I don’t hold anything against anyone here. I’m honestly just scared. I’m not trying to guilt trip anyone but I really am scared because I don’t want to be remembered like this and I don’t want to lose people I might’ve even been friends with if it weren’t for difference of beliefs, I don’t want people to hate me or be mad at me. That’s not something I want to cause and I’m really sorry I did.

[miscellaneous--bones]

ok hey I wanna ramble again- you can ignore this but heres my connection-

when I first started this blog I drew different- especially myself and a couple small details- I’m not talkin’ about how I started drawing fukin’ chins. uh- imna use how I draw eyes as an example.

when I first started my blog back in like.. somewhere round like november 2018? (ik am bab) smth? idk? but like- I drew eyes like- uh- crap I can’t add pictures on on my rca- uh- like they had openings?? like if you look at my art now they’re usually just circles, but the lines had openings, like an actual top lid, and bottom lid (more or less) but now they’re connected.

when I did that it was weird cuz I was worried it didn’t look like my art a lil bit, but after a while I just decided “eh its just like, style change” and it made it easier to except because i already whent through a smol style change with hair or some shit, but, uh, its still not exactly, uh, consistent? like some of my  characters are still drawn with the ‘older’ style of eyes? and I’ve come to realise thats fine, cuz it dosn’t really change my style, and no body gives a shit, and as long as i like it, its my style. so- yeah.

moral of the story- well, the entire post- is that as long as you like how it looks, thats- thats your style. yep. ...just dont- dont trace-

"art styles" like, arent real

[house-of-seoul]

Saudade [1]

✥ pairing: Jungkook | reader I Yooongi ✥ genre: angst (Soulmate!au meets Hanahaki!au) ✥ word count: 3.327 ✥ warnings: none ✥ author’s note: Hellooo, Toombler! This is the first instaallment of the Saudade series (Whoot Whoot) I’m warning you guys now, i have no plot, idk where i’m going with this. Let me know if you guys want another part to this! xxx

Series: Part 1 // Part 2 // Part 3

[Masterlist]

Saudade;                                                                                                           ↪ The feeling of intense longing for a person or place you love but is now lost

The sky was a painting tonight.

You marveled at the beautiful twilight hues. Shades of violet bled into the indigo sky, creating bridges of colours you could only describe with the paintbrush in your hand, and the canvas in front of you. You mixed and created shades of pink, purple and blue you could not name. You paid no attention to that, art did not need a language; it was the expression of what words fail to communicate.

Art is an entity of its own.

Like you.

Many described you as wild – you were as wild as the winds that blew the curled red leaf in the air.

You watched the sun in front of you dip below the horizon like a candle being extinguished. You dipped your own brush into the paint and brushed it across the canvas, now adding the finishing strokes of cerise and amber.

You gave your painting a final look before setting down your paintbrush.

You huffed. In front of you was no match to what you saw a few minutes ago. You could never paint the splashes of colours you formed in the sky. The true and raw beauty of the sunset could never be captured. That is by you – a self-proclaimed artist.

It was rumoured that everyone has a different sky that is shared with their soulmate – except all celestial objects stay in the same position for everybody, so weather is not affected. Everyone has the ability to draw on the sky, making splash of colours or little notes for only them and their soulmate to see.

You shivered from the chilly winds as they ran across your skin. It was exhilarating as it was terrifying. You were currently situated at the rooftop of your art institution. Every evening, you came here and tried to create a somewhat decent painting of the evening sky. And every evening, you failed.

You mastered the skill of painting fruit baskets and fields of flowers. You could recreate the face of a person you had met for the first time with deadly precision. So why could you not paint something as simple as the sunset? Children could paint it. Hell, Kindergarteners could finger-paint the sunset, yet you couldn’t. Why?

Walking to the edge, you gripped the thin metal railing. It always amazed you at how fast the night changes. Now, as you looked at the early night sky, all traces of the colours had bled into one – a magnificent shade of midnight blue. The cold winds of nightfall pierced the thin layer of your shirt. You wrapped your hands around your body as you attempted to warm yourself. In vain, you rubbed your hands up and down each other until you felt a hint of warmth spread across your body.

The night held so many mysteries.

You turned around to wipe off the wet paint on your palette and you put it, along with your brush, into your bag. Slinging the back on your shoulder, you picked up your easel and walked to the room across from you. The room was small and mainly used for storage. Sometimes, you would find couples inside it. Those encounters never ended well.

You made a silent prayer in your head as you turned the brass door knob to the room. To your surprise, the light was already on. You could’ve sworn that you turned them off when you came to get the equipment. Hesitantly stepping inside, you put down the easel at the back of the room.

Whoosh, the door closed. The sound made you jump and you heard a deep chuckle come from beside you.

You let out a shriek as you made eye contact with none other than Jeon Jungkook.

“Jungkook!” you shoved the boy in front of you, “you scared the shit out of me.”

“Oh Y/N! Y-you s-should’ve seen y-your face,” Jungkook tried to imitate your reaction before he doubled over with laughter once again. “Oh man, y-you looked s-so terrified,” he spluttered.

You felt a smile of your own forming before you crossed your arms together and bit your lip. You tried your best to stay mad at him. You never could, but you tried. Every time.

Jungkook’s  amber orbs blazed with the golden light of a summer evening. His eyes reminded you of a sunset – no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t manage to look away.

“Hello? Earth to Y/N,” Jungkook waved his hand in front of your face. You snapped out of your trance and shifted your gaze from his face to the ground.

“Hey, Y/N, are you okay? Did I go too far? Do you want to hit me? You can hit me, just don’t hit my face. It’s the only thing I have going for me,” he offered you a comforting smile.

His smile alone was enough to make you feel better.

You shook your head and opened your mouth to speak, “Jungkook, just… don’t scare me like that ever again.”

He nodded and moved across the room. You thought he was going to leave until he walked back to you with a brown bag in his hands. Instantly, the smell of Tteokbokki hit your nostrils and you felt your mouth water a little. You hadn’t eaten since lunch. You reached out to take the bag when it was pulled away from your grasp.

“Nuh uh,”Jungkook waggled his finger at you, “first, you have to show me your painting. You never show me your paintings of the sunset.”

“Um, no. There’s a reason why and that’s because they’re all trash. Absolute trash.”

“You’re being way too critical of yourself. Your paintings are never short of amazing.”

“But you haven’t seen these ones, that’s why you’re saying this.”

“Then show me,” Jungkook said.

You took a hold of both of his hands and looked up at him pleadingly

“Jungkook… please don’t make me.”

He huffed and looked away. You wondered what he was thinking about.

You heard the rustle of the paper bag as he handed it to you. “Thank you, kookie. I owe you one,” you said as you took a bite of the soft rice cake.

“Don’t thank me, I know you hadn’t had dinner so I brought you some food. It’s what friends are for,” he shrugged his shoulders as he reached for a rice cake.

You momentarily stopped chewing. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t help but feel your stomach drop in disappointment every time you heard that word.

Friend

The two of you walked out of the room and sat on the cold, concrete floor.

The night sky was a sharp contrast to the once melodic array of warm colours – it was now black as ink, the only light illuminating from the stars.

“Hey, Jungkook.“

"Yeah?”

“Remember the Twinkie on the bus? The one I gave you in second grade?”

“The one you found on the floor and gave me without telling me? Nice.”

You grinned and gave him a rice cake. “It never really fell on the floor. I made that part up.”

You couldn’t see his face but you could tell that he was smiling.

“Hey, Y/N”

“Yeah?”

“I-I think that I’m going to tell Hyojin that I love her,” he had mentioned out of the blue.

Your chest tightened, the same way it did when Jungkook first told you about his crush on your sister. You felt a tingling, itchy feeling clawing up your throat and stopping midway. It felt like a hairball that had been stuck, but you managed to swallow it down with some water. You sat still, vision blurring, and in that moment, you heard your heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower’s stem.

“Y/N, are you okay? You look like you’re –“

“I’m okay, Jungkook. I just choked a little on the rice cake when I tried to talk at the same time,” you lied, clutching the brown paper bag resting in your lap.

Jungkook raised an eyebrow but did not question further. “Well, what do you think I should do?”

“You should do what you feel is right.”

You couldn’t make out Jungkook’s face. You only saw the highlighted parts of his face as the moonlight shone down upon him.

“What do you think is right?”

“It doesn’t matt—“

“What do you think is right?”

You sighed, “you really love her, don’t you?”

“With all my heart.“

“Maybe”, you said gently, “you’re trying too hard to hear it. Don’t say it yet.”

Jungkook’s face fell faster than a corpse in cement boots. You saw his body go rigid, his mouth hung with lips slightly parted and his eyes were slightly widened at your statement. Slowly, the shock wore off of his face and was replaced with a gaze that felt like an act of violence – a glare to stop your heart. You heard him as he scoffed, “…unbelievable.”

You felt your temper rise at Jungkook’s audacity to scoff at you, “what? You asked for my opinion and so I gave you my opinion. Don’t roll your eyes at me.”

Jungkook laughed heartlessly, looking down at you as if you were a complete stranger. “I’m going to tell her,” he said with an air of finality and a tinge of annoyance directed towards you.

Instead of lowering your head you lifted it, a stony glare carved into your dark eyes. Anger blurred your sight but you tightened your jaw and glared at him, “and what am I supposed to do? Sit by while you date other girls and fall in love with someone else and get married?” Your voice tightened, “And meanwhile, I’ll die a little bit more every day, watching.”

Jungkook turned, but too slowly to be normal. When he spook his voice trailed slowly, like his words were unwilling to take flight. There was a sadness in his eyes, the brown too glossy, “Y/N, p-please, stop. Y-you’re just…jealous, just admit it,” you heard the slight hesitance in his words. “You know what, I’ll help you find someo—”

“Yes! I’ll admit, I am jealous. I’m jealous of every minute you spend with her, of every concerned expression you send her way, of every tear shed, of every glance, every touch, and every thought. I want to rip her to pieces and purge her from your mind and from your heart. But I can’t.” before you could register what was happening, your brain made a decision of its own.

“Y/N, please don’t—“

Words flew from your mouth that you never thought you’d even think, let alone say out loud. You knew instantly from the look in his eyes that they’d hit their mark. In that instant, your relationship shattered into glassy shards. Nothing would ever be the same again.

“I love you,” you blurted out. “I-I know you don’t love me, so don’t say it back.”

Jungkook shot up, his tall stature looming over your own. You stood up beside him, with your arms crossed and your eyes locked on him. It takes him a while to realize that you weren’t joking. You got up on your feet, standing a few inches away from him. "J-Jungkook?” you placed your hand on his arm in an effort to comfort him. Jungkook shoved your hand away.

“Don’t touch me.” Just a few words, but they brought tears to your eyes. You never thought this was how it would feel to have your heart broken.

“Jungkook, please. Don’t do this.” You pleaded him as you covered your face with your hands and wiping away your tears.

“Oh no! I’m not doing anything here. I told you not to say it and yet you still said it.” Jungkook was now shouting at you.

“I’m sorry,” you sounded like you were choking on your tears. You never could keep your emotions under control; you couldn’t fight away the tears. You stepped forward, trying to reach out to him. Jungkook put his hands in front of him, halting you from taking another step.

“I said don’t touch me,” Jungkook’s voice cracked. Under the moonlight, you could see that his cheeks reflected your own tear-stained ones.

You didn’t try to get closer to him again. You sat down and tucked your knees to your chest, putting your elbows on your knees, and covered your face with your hands, then started to breathe slowly.

Silence gnawed at your insides. It hung in the air like the suspended moment before a falling glass shatters on the ground. You needed to fill the void with sounds, words, anything. The silence was poisonous in its nothingness, cruelly underscoring how vapid your conversation had become – it clung to you two like a poisonous cloud that at any moment could choke the life from them.

You couldn’t stand the deafening silence anymore. “Jungkook,” you whispered, not daring to look at the face in front of you. “I-I love you and I can’t stop loving you. You overtake my affections and leave my heart in shattered disarray of pieces. Every single time you steal a part of me, you make it impossible for me to put myself together. I know you can never love me and yet I always delude myself in the fantasy that maybe, just maybe, you’ll learn to love me back. Why is that? Perhaps I hope that you return what you’ve stolen. You never do. You smile, and it’s intoxicating. Your fingers brush through my hair, and it’s addicting. You laugh, and it’s contagious. You and your flirtatious self. But I know, and you know that you could never — would never return the love I shared with you.”

“You love Hyojin,“ you continued for him. "I know. Y-you’re in love with…her,” the bitter taste of those words lingered on your tongue.

Your eyes met his warm brown ones. “Yes,” he whispered, his lower lip trembling. “It’s her. It’s always been her.”

Jungkook’s words fell out of his mouth like vapour but landed in your guts as shrapnel. You felt your insides tear, and the blood drain from your face. You would have laughed but he was dead serious. His eyes were cold like you’d never seen and his features immobile. He handed back the painting you gave him just yesterday and you let it fall as soon as its weight had hit your palm. There was the mute sound of paper on cement but neither of you moved to pick it up. You were trying to understand the words he told you but you couldn’t. Then he turned to go, shoulders sunken and his hands in his pockets. Before you knew what you were doing you were standing in his way and locked eyes, the perfect distance for a kiss, but he shook his head. You could see your pain mirrored in his dark eyes.

“I’m sorry that I love you, Jungkook,” you said through your tears.

“Y/N, please. Let me go.”

“I can’t – not like this. Let’s talk about this. Please.”

“There isn’t anything to talk about.”

Jungkook’s eyes were trained on some invisible specter behind you. His heavy eyelids took a fraction too slow to blink, his irises too stationary. It was as if his brain was suffering a massive short circuit and was struggling to compute. You moved into his line of sight, touching his cheek with the side of your thumb, your lips forming a pensive grin. Jungkook’s head tilted upward to your face, his eyes sliding into focus. Your voice came out in a breathy whisper, “can I just have one kiss?”

Jungkook made no motion to move and so, you leaned in. all of your senses were screaming at you to pull back, to step away from Jungkook – your sister’s boyfriend. And yet, you couldn’t. You knew he didn’t love him back, but you couldn’t resist. You leaned in a little closer, your foreheads touching. Dear god, you couldn’t fight against the thoughts that were going through you. His very smell was flooding his senses now.

“No!” he seemed to snap out from whatever trance he was previously in. “No, I thought you were my friend,” Jungkook yelled. He pulled himself away from you as if he touched a hot coal. Jungkook turned around and made a mad dash towards the exit.

“Wait! Jungkook,” you called after him. “Please,” you closed your eyes, pleading.

He didn’t.

[horsebitesfence]

On Chronophobia and ADHD – RB with Hestia Peppe

RB: hey, i think i just self-diagnosed with ADHD, am i right in thinking that's something you know about? would welcome any recs you might have for reading/resources

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RB: (it would explain so muchhhh)

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RB: (also wondering about the rel between ADHD and trauma)

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HP: Oooh yes! ADHD is definitely the errr paradigm I am working with right now if that's a way to think about it.

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HP: I am actually amazed by how practically useful it has been to think in these terms.

But I will say in terms of research/resources stuff is thin on the ground and mixed up with a lot of neurocognitive research which i find quite dodgy in places, not to mention the (very american) pharmaceutical agenda.The best stuff i found has been self advocacy descriptive personal account stuff, and that has been very much a process of reading between the lines.

Basically, people with ADHD tend to at least appear quite ‘high functioning’ (not an ideal phrase because hierarchies) so go undetected often, and then its very very stigmatised, i would say, in that often symptoms or traits are judged in moral terms. The most important sort of secondary ideas i have found are about Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, and anxiety as a hugely comorbid secondary issue which is more likely to be treated than the ADHD itself.

The relationship to discipline and goal-setting is formative, as is chronophobia or a traumatised relation to time, and sometimes memory. The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so process is more fulfilling than completion of work; but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

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HP: As far as its relation to trauma goes, i would say it probably renders us more vulnerable to CPTSD. Lack of diagnosis or 'management' of ADHD leads to problematic coping mechanisms, leading possibly to abusive or addictive behaviours or on the other end vulnerability from a lack of or funky interpersonal boundaries. But whether anything is causal/symptomatic or comorbid seems always particularly hard to tell with ADHD, partly because of the non-typical relation to time.

HP: The neurocognitive hypothesis is that it’s a problem in the dopamine cycle, so [that] process is more fulfilling than completion of work, but i am super skeptical about neurotransmitter theories.

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HP: On the plus side, [my] university and NHS [practitioners] have both been really encouraging about seeking help for it and getting a psychiatric diagnosis, which i am interested in, tho will no doubt have its downsides.

Most important, i think, is that mental health problems are treated in the context of ADHD as a constitution, rather than [in isolation], and i think that would go for trauma stuff too. Apparently ADHD folks have less success with SSRIs than others.
I think a body focused/somatic approach [is] v. v. productive, for both ADHD and trauma.

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria [also] seems key. It’s the idea that the emotional impact of rejection is almost irrationally high in many ADHD folks, but [then again] this may be a traumatised relation from the stigma of ADHD, and literally being reprimanded more often than neurotypical folks, rather than being an essential difference. So if there's an interaction with trauma specific to ADHD it might be related to emotional response to external stimuli being higher.

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RB: gosh, yea.

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HP: Sorry so much.

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RB:  Wondering how receptive my gp would be to my requesting an adult diagnosis

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HP: My GP was like ‘yes, will refer u immediately’, but that’s with a recommendation from an Ed Psych which uni paid for. *UPDATE: NHS maybe aren’t doing this as quickly as i thought, so it remains to be seen if they follow through; and university seems to just be sending me through as many hoops as possible, lots of assessments, minimal support systems.

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RB: ok

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RB:  i saw this on Twitter – ‘ADHD Explained Using Comics’ by Dani Donovan,1

and, like, so much of it is me. ,2So much. idk what chronophobia is but def. have weird relationship with time. Very weird.

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HP:  I have sort of made up chronophobia but am sure its a thing.

..

RB: 'comorbidity'

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RB:  i feel lost in time.

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HP: It seems to me the best stuff around is DIY stuff exactly like the comics u link to

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RB: also – trouble starting anything; trouble finishing without hard external deadlines – so me.

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RB: why i never write

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HP:  I think these are like the defining traits tbh

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RB: even tho i want/need to be writing

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RB: + procrastinating

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HP:  Comorbidity is the creepiest word

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RB: as described ^^

HP:  Same!

RB: do u medicate for it, may i ask? seems like mindfulness / meditation cld really be helpful

RB:  i had an insane year on citalopram

HP: In America they see it as essential to medicate for it from a v early age but i am like v v v skeptical

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RB: sertraline seemed better

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HP:  I took Prozac for 5 years; it didn’t do much except make me sleepy and a bit ok with shit life, but for ADHD it’s Ritalin or Vyvanse, so treatment with low constant dose of stimulants (*sometimes also something called dopamine blockers, but I don't know the details).

RB: ok; so, like coffee? just on my risky 2nd cup.

HP:  I dont myself want this prescription.

HP:  Am sure mindfulness etc v. good, but i do think body-focused methods best.

RB: ok

HP: I read this Twitter by Erynn Brook (sp?), and she advocates meds but also talks a lot about building in good coping mechanisms like how you organise yrsrlf in space/time in ways that work for u.

RB: yea; more interested in strategy

HP: So yeah strategy v. key.

RB: hey thanks so much, also in as much as i may unconsciously have posited u as gatekeeper. couldn’t have hoped for a more helpful reply.

HP: No worries! It’s good talking to other people about it cos the grand narrative of it is well shaky

HP: One thing i have worked out is that it’s all just emerging now so u can’t really gatekeep it, thank fuck. Glad to be helpful always. Check out Erynn Brook and remember being kind to yourself cos probably u havent been being if u just got to this point.

[time passes]

RB: hey, i'd really like to hear a bit more about your thinking on chronophobia;

it stayed with me as a strong motif.  felt so 'full' when you said it it took me a while to realise i hadn't asked u to describe it.

HP: Yes I would love to see you and talk about all this stuff. I have thoughts tjoughts thought ... Google searching ‘Chronophobia’ brings up this book from MIT about art in the 60s:

https://mitpress.mit.edu/books/chronophobia. It appears to be also a term in use in psychology/self help; is in wiktionary, and appears to mean the obvious: fear of the passing of time. Associations with incarcerated people, particularly, suffering from it and also anyone suffering from heightened stress and anxiety. Searching chronophobia + ADHD, there are plenty of hits, so, again, this seems a well-made connection. I’m also thinking about ‘Chrononormativity’, an idea i was first introduced to by my friend Helen Stuhr Rommereim, and which I think she gets from Elizabeth Freeman (possibly via Lauren Berlant), in relation to ‘queer time’ or a failure to achieve normative milestones in the time allotted, such as maturity, childbearing, marriage. Her paper on this is included in the documentation of a conference about Chris Kraus we both attended in 2013, which is where we met as we were on the same panel. 3

HP: Context in my work right now – all of this to do with ideas about speculation, past/present/future, chance/fate, resistance to goal/plan/target, not knowing what to do.

I’m currently doing some early/cursory research into the mythology of the fates (Ancient Greek and other cultures) as spinners, and thread as line; trying to parse linearity and how it might or might not relate to neurodivergence/neurotypicality. I like lines as a way of following or tracing, and also drawing as well as writing –thinking a lot about the work of Renee Gladman, who is interested in architecture and fiction (prose architectures), and works with drawing and writing and the relation between the two – so, also automatic and asemic writing. I also think a lot about Ariadne’s red thread in the labyrinth, and now that i am trying to learn to spin, how all threads are made of many tiny ones. This trying to spin has grown out of an old durational performance work i have done for years – so, durational performance, as a form, is part of this, maybe, for me. I always like the durational form, as it is more about setting up boundaries in space and then letting time happen than [it is about] existing in linear time. Chronophobia as anxiety about mortality, and control, or volition/agency; or the trace of subjectivity in the world (cf maybe tim ingold). Also, there are two types of time in the classical sense: Kairos (the now) and Chronos (history), or something like that.  None of this is fact-checked, I must say.Tarot cards relating to time are: wheel of fortune, temperance, death, the hanged man.

HP: Not sure i am doing this right, but thought some context to the earlier conversation might be useful for orientation, at the same time as thinking about my own self-diagnosis of ADHD and how it relates to knowledge and action and intention and access. Not sure if you saw this on my Twitter, but I thought it was a very good overview of neurodiversity discourse as it stands: https://www.janinebooth.com/content/two-and-half-cheers-neurodiversity

RB: Thanks. You’re doing this very right, I’d say.  Like somewhere back in the transcript there is a ‘gosh, yea’ of mine which stands in as a marker for the point at which my mind was blown, began to make new neural connections, bathed in a sort of speechless radiant awe for what you said; and this feels the same only more so, galaxy brain in mandelbrot – only grounded in and by your efforts to verbalise it and connect it with your work and that of others. That this is what you’re working on for your doctorate – I am awed and excited to know it. I would really like to be present when you perform.  I’m really impressed by your articulation. I feel such a relieved shock of recognition for chronophobia as you describe it, as something I had begun to acknowledge and articulate internally, but never outside myself, verbally or otherwise; nor had any inkling that it might be tangled up with ADHD ... nor that it is something other people experience or know about, nor that you are working on it in this profound way. I feel less alone and am honoured that you shared this here with us.

RB: Also – ehheh!  I saw today that we both liked this tweet

RB: Another highlight, for me, of today’s feed –

RB: I’m always keen for writers’ writing on technique, scanning in case I find a key there to my own outward articulacy and/or the means to vanquish distraction/avoidance. Just remembered when the poet Lucy Mercer said to me that as a writer, I’m a weaver. I was happy with that then and I am happy with it here, in this context. 4

HP: Hey! This is all so kind of you to say I am sort of overwhelmed. I can't believe i have even been paid for this already, so shout out to that. I made up chronophobia because  i wanted a way to describe my fear of time. I dont think it was really to talk to anyone else about it. I looked it up afterwards when I mentioned it to you I guess i have really let you have it with the inner monologue. I looked it up after I mentioned it to you. I figured that this had, you know, happened before, that other people would already be using this word. And they are. As a sort of intra-post-script, it is important to say that in terms of ADHD I came to this knowledge or understanding after like 12 years working as a private tutor, and without the students I worked with in that time I don’t see how I would have got to this articulation, so immense gratitude and respect to them for the thinking we did together about how thinking and learning work for different people.

HP: I was going to email you and ask for a deadline today but in the end i didn't write any emails because i was just spinning yarn on the wheel. It’s an amazing process learning to do it. Like a truly never-has-to-end embodied action. I think it could be the best way to replace some obsessive Twitter scrolling. My dad totally gets it. He says singing while spinning, that's the thing, he's heard. I learnt how to learn things from him mostly. I think maybe both my folks have ADHD. It’s supposed to be super heritable.

HP: My mum's a doctor. That's maybe where I get the cavalier attitude to discussing stuff like this you are supposed to be an expert to be allowed to think about. I am absolutely not an expert except perhaps of my own experience. Which this is, but but i push it, i know that. tho I don’t want the meds, I absolutely want to stress i am not like totally against meds. Chemicals are fine and good. Like coffee or you know whatever works. I am just in favour of people being given the best possible understanding of any treatment they undergo. I feel like i wanna unwind my own coping mechanisms like manually. Maybe that's a perk of late diagnosis – for me, anyway.

HP: I have to stop now. I am in a park and it’s dark now. I was sitting in the park cos i was an hour early to get a lift from my friend because i was so worried about being late. It’s perfect timing though. If you like sitting in parks watching orange street-lamps through blossom as if they are the sunset like some kinda shook moth. Which I do. And then type super fast into a phone cos you know someone asked.

HP: Thanks xx

RB: <3

RB: Thank you

1 –   https://Twitter.com/danidonovan/status/1100414551932030984

2

3 (http://www.metamute.org/editorial/books/you-must-make-your-death-public-collection-texts-and-media-work-chris-kraus )

4 mercer | ˈməːsə | noun British, chiefly historical a dealer in textile fabrics, especially silks, velvets, and other fine materials. (Oxford English Dictionary Version 2.3.0 (203.16.12))