#except i dont think she KNEW it was gsa

[feitanswife]

Sorry for the fucking essay but no actually I’m not

So I saw a buzzfeed story article on snap and it was from a hashtag on twitter that was trending a few days back, #igotwokewhen or something to that effect.

And it reminded me of something that would be WAY too long of a story for twitter.

Well, several somethings. Three to be exact. This was like a two year process that only sort of included tumblr.

So it started in my sophomore year of high school (10th grade, I was... turning 16 that coming March) and I was in Honors 10th Grade English with the rest of the tryhards.

(Honors didn’t really mean anything in the grand scheme of things, the classes were relatively similar to core, it was basically a box you checked during class selection to say “I want to be in a class with people who give a shit”)

And I was in a corner with two other kids: the one I’ll call Cake Face, and her best friend, Cutie. (Cause they were cute. Like adorable non-threatening videogame-nerd-who-even-I-could-drop-kick-if-they-tried-anything cute, which was very much my “type” in high school as I was in complete and utter denial about my lack of sexual attraction and only let myself grow close to people I could totally take in a fight to ease my anxiety about being touched.)

Cake Face was a terrifying girl who very Clearly had a tumblr.

This was 2014-2015. She Very Clearly Had A Tumblr.™️ like it was Scary.

She sat behind me and she terrified me. I’d known her from 7th grade onwards and until that point I knew 3 things about her: she wore WAY too much makeup, she was a try hard at school, and she hated pretty much everyone.

Except Cutie, who she would kill and die for.

Cutie, whose real name I can’t even remember now, was the first out trans peer I remember having. (I say “out” because two of my best friends who is known for much longer came out later, but at the time to my knowledge Cutie was the only one so I count them as first cause it was my first interaction under the pretense)

Cutie was also the first non-binary person I knew. That is without condition, to my knowledge (I haven’t kept track of many people from high school) as the next notable encounter was well into college.

So now you had me, vaguely crushing on Cutie whose Overbearingly Agressively Supportive best friend sat right behind me.

Needless to say that crush went nowhere, we hardly talked cause I was too afraid of Cake Face to even start up a coversation for fear I’d say something wrong and get my head ripped off. She was openly confrontational with our teacher and the rest of the class and I just kept my head down and said nothing.

Come to think of it, that’s probably what Cutie was doing too. I certainly wouldn’t want my best friend fighting people on my behalf all day. Talk about embarrassing.

But the idea had been put in my head and since I was about ankle deep in Fandom Tumblr that that point (mostly popular anime with some J-fashion on the side) I decided to dip my toes in further.

And while I was still wrapping my head around the vague idea of asexuality and oh no what does this mean for the boyfriend I got last spring my near best friend in the world cane out as a trans guy on like, day one of our AP language and composition class.

Just to me and our mutual friend but like, it happened. The name he ended up choosing could be shortened to a rather gener neutral nickname so he ended up going by that at large, but the actual conversation only happened with us.

(To be fair, his deadname when combined with his middle name was a weed based pun so no one was surprised he changed it. it was also spelled weirdly.)

And that was the first time I’d ever like, fully integrated into the... entire culture of interacting??? I guess??? Like learning the lingo, learning the flags, figuring out what a binder was (and trying to talk him out of wearing it to gym class, irresponsible little shit!) and I quickly became very protective of him.

I mean I was protective before cause he had other problems like anxiety worse than mine and we all know that when a group of friends all have anxiety that whoever’s is currently least active gets to pretend they’re fine and deal with shit. But this was a whole other layer. It honestly made me a little paranoid cause people... people show their true colors at times like these.

Like that second friend he told.

“Friend”

I ended up writing her into a novel just to hit her character with a truck over one (1) conversation.

Cause when my friend was around she was a sweet angel.

But when he wasn’t she was rude as shit and misgendered him constantly. Also she was really jealous of me being better at essay writing than her and like well maybe if you focused more effort into class and less into talking shit about your supposed best friend then??? Maybe you’d know how to write???

And I worked my ass off on a group poster project and she threw it out and redid the whole thing herself cause she didn’t like mine and it’s been like four years and I have never forgiven her for that I had like three panic attacks for that poster and you threw it away?

I’m not even gonna censor her name Fuck You Jillian you entitled piece of shit!

And around that time I also met the most important person of my life.

She’s a year younger than me and three times as smart, she’s still my best friend to this day and all of our friends unironically call her mom.

And she was the first person I came out to as ace.

(Mostly because she did first and the only response I could think of was “me too!” We were eating lunch. I think I was sitting on the floor. She was on a bench. I was looking up at her. Her hair was bright fire engine red and down to her butt and she was in full gothwear.)

It was because of her that I eventually made a new tumblr account (first under lily-of-the-rain, then raininglillies, then Feitanswife which I have no interest in changing cause I can’t fathom anyone else having this url) and sort of dove deep into all of this cause I finally felt like I could.

Like she was the full permission to exist in this space! She ran our high schools GSA and now is Vice President of our college’s Queer and Allues club (which I only joined cause she dragged me)

and all of that while being ace, which I was ultimately horrifically ashamed of until I met her.

Not because I thought it was wrong to be ace, I just thought it made me less important. Just in general. I was less important in the straight world and less important among the lgbtq+ community. No one was gonna make a fuss over me if I just sat down and shut up, but I wasn’t going to be missed if I disappeared either.

I was just what I’d always been, a background character. Meant to be seen and not heard. Don’t make a fuss just sit and be quiet and be glad we saved you a chair at all.

But she wasn’t. She walked in and it didn’t matter if it was a night out or 7 am on a Tuesday she was dressed to the nines, with her nearly neon red hair and a sort of “DONT fuck with me” energy that let her just mow down anyone who wanted to start shit, with her or anyone else.

And people respected her not in spite of who she was but because of it

And that was the final flip of the switch I needed. First it was the awareness, then the caring personal connection, and then there was “you have the right and the duty to flip that fucking switch. It is yours.

Not because someone else told you to or because it affects people you care about, but because it affect you

[oflgtfol]

had a dream i came out to my mom as aro and she took it horribly <3 and we were out in public, like we were in my high school gsa for some reason, except non-gsa students were there idk, and people even filmed it going down and it spread all over the school <3 but people at least seemed supportive

[saintkimora]

ooh a lot happened on thursday and friday. my fave part was when my sociology prof literally gave up in class bc we “looked bored”

so on thursday my first class was sociology and for some reason the topic of the lecture was nyc? i literally have no idea what that has to do w sociology esp when he spent so much time teaching us about his “alternative plan” for how nyc should be run. his plan was that there would be no cars allowed. anyways it was super boring obv and he ended class like 20 min earlier than when its supposed to end which he literally NEVER does. he was like “folks i just cant take looking at all of your bored faces, it makes me feel like im failing as a professor. idk maybe ive just lost my touch. class dismissed” like hes always so sensitive asfjadgnadf like last time when someone accidentally made a sound while yawning in class he went OFF he was like “youre lucky i dont know which one of you just yawned so im just gonna say whoever did it youre a fucking asshole and your parents must have done a bad job raising you for you to have no fucking manners. asshole” like...its a 9am class ofc people are gonna yawn LMAO hes so dramatic and he was like “if whoever did it doesnt come forward by the end of class and apologize im done trying with you guys” like this is the most cracked prof ive ever had

then psych was pretty uneventful except for this one part where i saw the 2nd hottest guy in the class (vikram is first obv) he came in wearing shorts even though it was still cold out and he had such nice hairy legs AND he had ass i was smitten. his name is hassan and hes so cute and has like cute dark brown eyes and he has nice facial hair

then in anatomy we watched the best video in like...the history of man. we are currently doing the heart so i guess this has to do with it bc its about heart attacks. so the prof pulled up this video from extreme pigouts about the “heart attack grill” and it was the FUNNIEST video i was literally crying in class while we were watching it. it was the most ive laughed in like...a year. like its called the heart attack grill bc its so unhealthy and they serve like quadruple burgers and stuff and the funny part is that all the waitresses have to dress up as “sexy” nurses and they refer to customers as patients and orders as prescriptions and they like check the patients vitals before taking their order ASFNAKFENGSK and the person who started the restaurant is a DOCTOR and they showed him on the grill pressing the burgers with a stethoscope lmao and they use so much lard and instead of like a salad bar they have a fry bar like it is just the messiest restaurant and my new dream is to work there as one of the nurses. and it was even funnier bc my classmates were so grossed out and confused 

after it ended my anatomy prof looked at me and he was like “i think perry enjoyed that a little too much...lets all pitch in and get him a gift certificate for it” ooh my man noticed how much i was laughing

then on friday the first thing i had was this budget training for the treasurers of the clubs. theres like 4 dif dates for it since they wouldnt be able to fit all of the treasurers in one session so i went to the first one and it was just 2 people including me (the last training thing was 3 people including me) and the guy doing the presentation was the same guy from the last training and he is like... literally THE cutest. his name is claudio and he is a grad student i think and i usually dont care for guys w/o facial hair but it works for him bc he is just so good looking! like he has nice hair and lips and the cutest smile and he has some of those mole/beauty mark (?) things on his face and he has like gay voice (but he has a gf rip) and he has a nice ass too and his mannerisms while talking are so cute too like...i love him. anyways the actual presentation was whatever but im gonna have to write out the gsa budget for next semester soon and it is stressing me out

then i had a little over an hour until my next thing so instead of going home i decided to go to the library and work on my orgo lab stuff! i only went bc it was a friday so i knew it wouldnt be too crowded. so ya it was nice i was able to do like half of my next mini report 

then at 3 i had to go participate in a psych study bc we if you take gen psych you have to participate in studies. and it was iconic bc we had to complete an online personality survey beforehand and then i came in and she gave me a print out of my results and then she went to go print out the debriefing forms while i read my results and it said for future problems i was at risk for having a “socially avoidant personality” or something and this analysis DRAGGED me it was like “you will most likely end up alone you will lose all of your friendships and relationships by your mid 20s and any marriages you have will not last” i was bald then a while later she came back in and i had to fill out a form for how i was feeling rn and then i realized it was a trick lol and she was like yeah we give everyone that analysis and it was a test to see if people use their phone to escape stressful situations and we’ve been videotaping you this whole time and it was true i guess bc after reading it i did go on my phone while waiting for her! but idk if it was really applicable to me bc i wasnt really stressed i was laughing about it bc i know not to take these kinds of personality tests too seriously but yeah that was a fun little trick they tried to pull on me

also i reinstalled grindr and kyle started messaging me but he wasnt free at all this weekend bc his mom came to visit smh but after that we are going to start seeing each other. he is fine w either a relationship or just hooking up but i told him i wasnt ~emotionally available~ for a relationship when actually i am just not with him bc once freddy has time for me in his life again im gonna go back to him