#everytime it comes on i shrivel up like a bug

[leachidactyl]

You called my bluff, I love you too much

Would you please stay with me?

[apenapaperandadoofus]

19 (habits) with saeran and its hurt/comfort? 👀

Yusssss I love those

Habits (Saeran hurt/comfort) also a bit smutt bc I needed it I'm sorry I felt so bad and I needed to spoil muh baby

TW: mentions of abuse and self harm (not explicitly and it isn't the extreme kind though!)

You had been living with Saeran for a whole month now, and you couldn't be happier. You had managed to get the twins reunited again, and you solved the whole issue with the cult and RFA. Saeran was finally free.

Still, even though there were good times, there were bad times too. Saeran had spent most of his life in an abusive home, and afterwards was held in a place that did even more damage this mental health, and even if everything was solved, it still took time for him to be able to control his temper or ignore the sudden mood swings that would come.

Even if he managed to merge his two personalities together, sometimes Saeran came out, and sometimes it was Ray. It mostly depended on the situation.

Saeran wasn't one to easily get angry though, and he was really good at controlling his temper. Yet, sometimes he couldn't help but feel this anger inside, this hatred. And then he would scold himself for feeling that way, and he'd be back in the habit of calling himself so many awful things. Not only that, but sometimes he'd punch a wall, or tear at his hair, or just grip his arm so hard he'd end up bleeding.

But he was working on it.

One morning you had woken up to Saeran happily cooking you breakfast, and you smiled and gave him a kiss on the lips, making him blush.

Still, Saeran looked at you with a surprised expression when he saw you didn't go and sit beside him.

"Y/N?" He asked.

"Sorry Saeran, but I told you yesterday that I had something to do in the morning and so I couldn't eat with you. Still thank you for the food, could you please put it in the microwave so I can heat it up later?" You said.

Saeran frowned though. "I don't remember you telling me anything about that, I thought we were going to spend the day together."

"I know, but they suddenly called in at work, there's this new guy who keeps making mistakes and he really fucked up this time. But I'll be home as soon as possible!" You said as you made yourself a cup of coffee. Saeran sat quietly for a few minutes and then looked up at you.

"Well can't you leave it to Jihae and Emma? You've been working every single day ever since we moved in. Can't you work at home?"

You sighed. "Saeran, we've talked about this. I'm really sorry that I wasn't able to fulfill my promise today, but I swear I'll make it up to you!"

"That's what you said last time...." Saeran mumbled, and you stopped in your tracks.

"This time I promise I'll do it-"

"Well this is the fifth time you've said that. Listen Y/N, I don't exactly know if there's anything going on with the house, or with me or us, but you've been gone the whole time."

"Yes working! It's not like I'm super hyped up about it either, stop talking as if I'm doing this on purpose or something! I'm just trying to provide for us."

"Yeah but before it wasn't like this." He stood up and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Whatever, fine. Go to work."

"Why are you suddenly so irritated that I'm going to work?"

"It's not that, it's just that spending time with you is really important to me and I feel like..."

"Like what Saeran?" You glared.

He looked at the ground. "Nevermind, I don't want to fight."

"No, no please finish the sentence. Like what?"

He stood quiet for a bit and then said, looking at you. "Like you don't really care anymore."

"Excuse me?"

"Every single day it's work, work, work, and everytime I want to just spend a few hours with you you always seem to have something come up. It wasn't like this before."

"Saeran I just got promoted, I have to show that I was worth it. I can't just put everything on hold because you feel lonely!"

"Wow, thank you, I love hearing that the love of my life actually cares about work more than me." He said sarcastically, and your eyes widened.

"Oh, I'm sorry for wanting to PROVIDE for us, Saeran, I'm just trying to help! Seriously I can't stay by your side every single hour of the day, you're not a child! And work is important!"

"Well then if work is so important then why don't you just go and start a relationship with it. You seem to be in love with it. In fact, why don't you just go and never come back!"

Now the both of you were yelling, and you felt so...so mad. You had never seen Saeran this angry before and that only made it worse.

"Maybe I will! You'd like thaytright!? For me to just leave and not turn around!"

"Yes, in fact, you're right! I don't need to be around you the whole time, I can take care of myself, in fact, I don't even need you anymore, so just leave! Maybe then I'll be truly happy for once!"

You stiffened. "You aren't happy here?"

Saeran crossed his arms and gave you that familiar cold glare you had seen in Mint Eye all those months ago.

"No. Why would I be happy with an idiot like you? All you've been doing is ingnoring me and trying to avoid me."

"Saeran I....ugh, you're just- you're impossible sometimes!!! Just because I'm busy doesn't mean I don't care! And I hate that, I hate that every time I look the other way for a bit you get sad and mad, it's so tiring, you're tiring, so don't blame me for wanting to go and spend some time by myself for once!!"

Saeran flinched, but you were too mad to stop. "Why can't you think of that for once, I mean, you aren't even making sense! Why did you think I moved in with you?!"

"Oh I don't know, maybe because of pity and to make yourself feel better. That's the only reason you've been doing anything at all, every single action you do it's to make yourself feel as if you're important, as if you actually matter in this world, and that's why sometimes you get into stupid shit, because you're thinking of being the 'good charitable one' and head into problems without thinking. And now you're doing it with that thing at work, you saw that I was getting better so now you got to hop on to the next problem to give your worthless life some meaning." He snarled. "You-" then Saeran stopped. He was pacing around the room and turned to look at you to say something else, but then he saw tears were streaming down your face and he just...he felt so many emotions at once. He felt...mad to see you cry. And he felt....guilty. You had been the first one to call him tiring, and he just lost control at that moment. His immediate reaction was to insult you, to try and cause you the same pain.

Saeran quickly moved towards you and tried to touch your cheek, to make you look up.tl him. "I'm...I'm sorry Y/N I-"

Then, as if on reflect you slapped his hand away and glared. "Don't....just...don't..."

You grabbed your purse and keys and left the kitchen, leaving Saeran all alone.

He looked at his hand. You had never....never done something like that before. It wasn't as strong as when his mother would do it, in fact it didn't even physically hurt him. But he felt his heart break as he realized what the two of you had done.

He had said things...awful things. The two of you. And he had regretted them immediately.

Saeran felt his eyes water and tried to wipe them.

Don't cry, don't cry. You're not weak. Weak people cry and you're not weak.

Still, he couldn't help the sob that came out of his mouth and he paced around the room, gripping his hair. Then he quickly went to the bathroom to look at himself, to try and calm down.

He looked at his reflection. His hair was now messy, and his eyes red. He had been crying non-stop. Still, he glared at the person he saw in the mirror.

He hated it. He gripped his hands so hard. He didn't know what to do, he wanted to scream, to take it out on someone like he usually did, or to take it out on... himself.

You idiot, you goddamn idiot. You've ruined everything, this is your fault all your fault. Now they're... they're going to leave and it's because they finally saw that you weren't worth it, you are never worth it you stupid, stupid weakling.

He sobbed and then felt the anger inside of him suddenly take over, and he punched the mirror.

"DAMMIT!!" He cried, as he held his now bleeding hand and sat on the toilet.

You idiot! You abdolute idiot, why, why?! You're nothing you're worthless why why?! You don't deserve happiness you don't deserve anything nice in this world, why don't you just shrivel up and die you worthless bug.

He gripped his hair as memories of what his mother would say to him came back, of what Rika used to tell him all the time. Then he also remembered the cold look in your face and panted, feeling as if he wasn't able to breathe anymore. God what should he do? You were never going to forgive him, and you were right.

He was tiring. He wasn't worth your time, your love. Yeah...he wasn't worth it, he doesn't deserve you...maybe it'd be better if he....if he...-

"Saeran."

He suddenly jumped up from the toilet and snapped his head to look at the where the sound came from. You were standing in the doorway, your hair messy and your eyes red from crying. Saeran felt his heart break once again.

The two of you stood in silence for what seemed like hours, until you walked over to Saeran.

He held his breath, getting prepared to hear you saying you wanted it to end, that you didn't love him anymore. But...you didn't say anything of the sort. He gasped as he felt you wrap your arms around him in a tight hug.

"I'm so sorry Saeran." You cried, and it was suddenly as if something inside him moved, something that finally made him break. He gripped you tightly and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I love you Y/N, I love you, I love you so much." He mumbled as he felt the tears freely fall from his eyes this time. The two of you hugged each other, tightly, whispering so many words of love, of comfort. You ran your fingers through his hair as you whispered how much you loved him, how much he meant to you and you kept apologizing for what you said over and over again, while Saeran did the same.

At one point Saeran gently pushed you away and cupped your cheek, making you look up at him. Then he kissed you.

It was a messy, desperate kiss, the two of you still crying and sobbing and saying even more I love you's until you couldn't talk anymore.

When you pulled away you looked at Saeran, and then you noticed the bathroom mirror and gasped, immediately taking his hand to check it.

"Saeran..." You sobbed, as you looked at his bloody knuckles.

"I'm sorry...I got...I got a bit carried away...."

You shook your head and made him sit down on the toilet while you grabbed some towles and opened the sink, getting them wet. Then you knelt in front of Saeran and gently cleaned his hand.

Saeran bit his lip, trying to stop more tears from falling. He felt so bad, about telling you to leave, that you didn't matter, he felt so mad that he let his anger get the best of him.

And even after he said that....you came back. And you were taking care of him.

He can't remember the last time someone took care of his wounds like that for him. Last time he got hurt it was at mint eye, and you weren't even there yet. And now, he felt so grateful, so lucky to have you here.

As soon as you finished cleaning his knuckles you grabbed his hand and brought it to your lips, kissing them.

"Saeran...I'm really sorry. I should've...I should have never said said that. You...you are everything to me and I love you so much...I honestly don't know what I would do without you and...I'm sorry I've been away. I was...I was just so nervous about this new step in our life and I...I dont know, I panicked. I'm really sorry." You said, looking at the ground.

Saeran lifted your chin with his hand, and then he helped you stand up, so you'd be straddling him. Then, he leaned his forehead against yours and gave you a small smile.

"I'm sorry too. I know that you've been....so stressed lately. I'm really sorry for being selfish and only thinking about myself. I...I seemed to forget that a relationship is a two way street. And I'm supposed to also spoil you and smother you."

"And you do Saeran...you're...you're the best boyfriend ever. I love you."

"I love you too."

"And... I'll be more honest from now on...about my feelings and I won't try to run away. I'm...I'm going to be someone that also gives everything to you, just like you do to me."

The two of you smiled, and Saeran tangled his fingers in your hair pulling you towards him, kissing you again. This time the kiss was slow and tender, the two of you taking your time. Then, Saeran kissed your cheek, your neck, and made his way down to your chest, unbuttoning your shirt. Every kiss he gave you was his promise to you, to always love you and cherish you.

You helped him take off your shirt and you gripped his hair, gasping as he nipped and sucked, and kissed.

Eventually you stood up and took both of your clothes off, leading him to the shower. You could see he was about to put on the cold water, probably out of habit from doing it for so long, but you grabbed his hand and turned it so the water was warm. He looked at you confused for a second, but then you pulled his face down to kiss him once again.

He pushed you against the wall, and you gasped as he bit your neck and moved his hands to grab your hips.

Eventually the whole place got hot, and you wrapped your arms around Saeran as he slowly inserted himself inside you.

"Are you alright?" He whispered in your ear, and you nodded, making him look at you.

"I love you so much Saeran. I'm all yours, and I will always be. I promise I'll never leave you." Saeran's eyes widened and you gasped as you felt him suddenly move, his lips quickly against yours.

"I....I'm yours too. Forever, and ever, and I promise that I will always love you and stay by your side. I love you, I love you so much.....I love you...."

.......

That night the two of you laid cuddling in your bed, the covers against your bare skin. As you looked at the man sleeping beside you, you couldn't help but smile.

You loved him so much.

Every couple fights, and everyone has both good and bad days, but you wouldn't let that get in the way of your relationship. You had made a promise that day to always be with him, and you swore you would fulfill it.

You kissed him and held him closer to your body, finally letting yourself relax with the person you love the most in the world.