#everytime im talking abt my job they all gave me that kinda Look

[shinayashipper]

If I ranted / said I feel Bad / any negative feelings to anything in life, I would instantly be labeled "ungrateful" / "lazy" / "it's your own fault" / "be better" 😂😂 if I told them "my boss is shitty" they would say "then be The Boss and do actual work, start Making Money" which I guess is maybe a motivational speech or something but honestly i don't feel motivated at all <\3

[tealime9]

rant???? yeah ignore this is 3AM remembering bad person

that i am lol and- OH MY GOD THE FUCKING UNDER READ WORKS. cool.

i was in an outdated part of tumblr which didnt let me post, im not gonna write again but keep rambling.

ahem

I mean really im feeling a lot of pressure sticking in.

End of college!

Getting a job!! (how do you job??? how do you talk in a interview?????? I DONT KNOW IF MY WORK IS WORTHY AT ALL?????)

relationships!!!

ART BLOCK ?! ?! ?! ?!

DEPRESSION, ANXIETY AND EMPATHY KICKING IN!!!!!!

LIKE FOR DAMN REAL????

I DONT THINK DISTRACTING IS WORKING AT ALL??? OF COURSE ITS NOT!!!!

I AM PRETENDING TO KNOW ANYTHING AND BEING AN ADULT AND I APARENTELY CANT EVEN BE FUCKING RESPONSIBLE???? IM TRYING BUT WHAT

WHAT IS HAPPENING

CMON GOTTA CHANGE GOTTA BE BETTER AND and..

and what the hell really.

I know im depressed hitch.

like tbh its like my 3th year of high school

except is not im feeling like im going to die in the woods whatever THE FUCK was that feeling.

I feel hopeless. I feel like its not being worth of even waking up.

I feel like this might be a year i fucking kill myself dude. for presure???? what is this being so stupid.

what. jsut. WHAT.

I hate how im always awake. I hate how im always kinda cocon and my feelings get in the way.

I...

I dont wanna exist. I dont want any of this.

I hate this feeling.

Im gonna fucking search a therapist. Its needed!!! hahahahahahhahahaha oh goodness.

Im a wreck of human being. Let me be. Its...

Its time to tell.

I fucking caaaaant.

*sigh*. okay not the best lift but better than anything? wake up tomorow, hope Jazz come to help me somehow. 

(hope maybe Alex will become a damn host cuz lmaooooooo its. wow. but hey im happy Gem is also back and having more golly time)

You know, I noticed how i get to end up surfacing and fronting while with others. because i see something interesting that might make me happy? and then  I. I just end up coming to see and experience and then I fail it.

I screw up everything. I hold everyone back. My life? do I even want to be my life???

I guess I do.

But life aint just pleasure and i dont know why I dont understand that YET????

ugh

not being easy. no matter how much im supressing my emotions and yeah I shouldnt but wow yeah thats happening.

Im scared.

 yeah.

Tomorow. Jazz me and Alex aight? therapist seeking pool and idfk whatever u want. buy a skateboard for all I care. dont forget the helmet.

oh!maybe a bit of. doing the- yeah I’ll do the dishes thanks for reminding me. But no. Talking with R friend as soon as possible abt the job stuff and anxiety and all. curriculum idk. Go to the google one like F friend said!!!!

edit: also i feel hopeless seing my country being ruled over a idiot who want to destroy everything and makes us look worse to the world outside and im like what the fuck but worse he took the fucking human right from lgbtq people like???? and want to destroy amazonia cuz damn greedy farmers and took the rights from the lands of the native people and they re getting fucking killed and  and.

and I dont know what to do. I feel like I should do some hero/anti hero shit thing and want to go ape shit but i aint shit to do that and im like. What the hell do I do???? 

feeling like isolating trying to see other things but that doesnt change and I dont know what to do. Sincerely want to tear open some people that gave him any kind of fucking support like ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID CONGRATULATIONS YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS WITHOUT ANY EMPATHY AT ALL.

and now im becoming apathetic and at the same time not cuz im trying to ignore and everytime i remember that i feel like fucking go ape shit and i cant and its just.

stressful. stressful fucking year. 

thats one more whys i want to freaking kill myself ahahahhahahahhahhahhaha I see no hope and dont know how any can go better OR MYSELF GOING BETTER IM SCARED MAN .

edits over i think

ok i’ll try to sleep bye