#everytime i start thinking abt it i go a lil bit insane i dont like doing it

[dokjaism]

[seoschangbin]

Hi hi, it’s ya gal Rachel! To start off, this isn't really a follow forever but more of a mushy love fest. I was going to do this back in October when my blog hit 2 years but then with everything that happened... 😞✌ figured it wasn’t the best time! But since it’s the new year, I just wanted to spread some love to start off the decade, especially towards all the lovely people who have made my 2019 a little bit happier ♡ Thank you to everyone for making this such a fun & amazing year; thank you for supporting my gifs & graphics and interacting with me; overall, thank you for making Tumblr fun again! So to all my moots and followers, I’m wishing you all a very happy and wonderful 2020! 

I wanted to take some time as well to write some messages to all my mutuals - seeing you guys on my dash + all your work (if you’re a cc) is such a joy and I admire all of you very very much! Thank you for putting in the time to making gifs/graphics/fic/etc. and I hope you won’t mind if I gush about you a little, even if we’ve never spoken hehe! Under the cut in alphabetic order.. she’s a long one sorry!

@00hj | karen!! angel!! first of all, everything u make is just the cleanest cutest thing ever, i truly want your brain!.. u are such an incredibly talented gfx creator and i get heart palpitations every time i see ur work!! i adore u so much n ur tags are also so full of sweetness n purity and 😞💕 i just want to give u a hug!! + the way u always say hi to ccs in ur tags when u rb their stuff. cute!! pure!! 

@01degree | joanna!! first of all... thank u for filling my dash with so many groups, some of which i almost never get to see 😌💕 ur brain being multi af like me.. chefs kiss! also! you make such clean and nice gifs please don’t ever doubt that laskjd!! 2020 joanna stops saying her gifs suck! idk how u make them so clean but legends only! bls remember to be kind to yourself this year! 💕

@1095 | nicolle!! i haven’t seen you around recently but i hope everything is okay and you’re doing well! i have to say that your graphics are absolutely INSANE i don’t know how you do it!! the colours.. how it all comes together.. amazing! ur career as a graphic designer will be a good one 😌👍 secondly your urls are always so cute nd nice!! and thirdly back to number 1.. i just love everything you make so so much bls come back to us 😖

@3noracha |  falak.. ur the fandom’s gem.. the sharpening on ur gifs takes my breath away everytime + the colouring.. omg chef’s kiss!! i didn’t know you before you came back earlier this year but i’m so so glad you did come back bc u are so full of love 😳💗 you make the cutest graphics as well and are just radiate so much positivity 💞

@bamgchan | henri! still my confident car selfie king!! so glad i found you through sagey.. i love all your content (ur graphics.. always so well put together!) and the way you interact with people is so full of energy and positivity and i adore that! i hope 2020 treats you well 🥰

@banghans | ollie!! all of ur content.. ur gifs! amazing.. wonderful.. iconic thank you for providing so much hq content for the rest of us peasants 😌💕 your love for chan and jisung is also so pure n cute when u rave abt it 💞 bls stop being so hard on yourself and i love reading about how you’re always striving to be better to yourself! i hope 2020 is a good year for you 💖

@binnieseason | emily.. a loss for binnie stans that you’re gone 😔 anyways i hope to see you back sometime because you make such nice gifs + the colouring on them.. so pretty and clean.. how to be you! i hope things are okay with you and that you’ve been well!

@cb-97s | miss li! y/a novel protagonist herself!! li you’re a burst of sunshine in my day and i love chatting w u! your love for chan.. too pure 😭 every time i talk to you i’m like.. dang.. she’s real.. ppl get to see her for real! might force u to meet me irl 🤷‍♀️ also queen of gfx.. always so clean.. 😍 i know it’s been a stressful year for you but i hope 2020 brings you happiness and love 💞 love u! 

@changbeanie | hi ruby! ur graphics are always so intricate n pretty + the colouring on ur gifs.. so pretty 😭💖 thank you for providing like 90% of the changbin content nd keeping me well-fed 🥰 ur always so sweet to ur anons as well and are just a lil ray of sunshine ☀️

@changbinie​ | jo.. what even is there to say abt u.. still can’t believe i got u into skz.. CAN’T!!! thanks for suffering w me and dealin w me wakin u to talk abt middies.. + changbin arms.. i love u a little i think (?) 

@channie | hi fishy! ur one of the very first skz blogs i ever followed back in 2017.. we ancient 😌🤙 i know you’re not too active anymore but all of your gifs have like. the prettiest colouring ever idk how you do it! i hope you’ll come back to us 

@elfminho | min! i love the way u tag skz in your tags.. so cute 😭 star boy!!! cute 😭 ur gifs are also lovely as well 🥰 i think ur one of the first skz blogs i followed when i starting using this blog again n i’m glad i found ur blog bc i adore u 💞

@glowsvt | grace.. my little baby! i wish i could just !! get into ur brain how lovely nd wonderful of a human you are.. have more confidence in yourself! 😣 you make wonderful graphics.. ur style! cute! and you have such a sweet and good heart!! i love when you ramble about things and always appreciate how you take the time to reach out to me despite how busy you are 💕 thank you for being a real-life angel, i hope 2020 is good and kind to you 🙇‍♀️💞

@hanjisungz | britt!!! nerd squad let’s go!! you’re such an angel, the way you treat everyone who talks to you with so much kindness and positivity makes me want to cry!! ur truly just the cutest sunbeam and just such lovely lovely human!! thank u for puttin up with my late replies and how boring i am 😭 i also adore your gifs and icons.. which you know.. but always.. chefs kiss to them!

@huiracha | marie... first of all skz AND ptg? great, amazing, fantastic combination... galaxy brain 💞 secondly, u make such SUCH nice gifs 😭 ur prob one of my fav skz ccs and all ur pretty chan comp sets.. always look forward to them! thank u for also bringing me ptg content i never see enough of them 💕

@hwang-hyunjin | agnes!! ur topaz settings r always insane and they make your gifs look amazing!! + the colouring u do is always so beautiful!! the combo rly makes ur gifs so distinctive nd pretty💞 ur edits too!! just lovely 🥰 also the fact that we’re also moots on our mx blogs.. amazing.. i love a staybebe!! 

@hyunjins​ | godleigh???? still one of my fav gifmakers ever!! perfect colouring.. sharpening.. best brain! 💞 rmbr ur skz x prince series... still think abt it sometimes.. wish i could be half as brilliant as u!  i’m so glad we started talking bc u are incredibly funny and fun to talk to and i love witnessing ur breakdowns even though they’re probably way funnier to me than they should be 😭 love that u vibe w me and we can be mean together 😭 thank u for giving me this url 😭 thank u for being my friend, u truly are like. half the reason i enjoy being on this blog 😭 you’re wonderful and i love u a lot! sorry for clowning u sometimes! i hope everything sorts itself out soon bc u deserve some peace nd happiness 😩 and i wish u nothing but the best for this year and hope that the next year will be filled with good things 💖

@ifbin | mikaela.... u know i could talk abt you forever right???? ur graphics.. bro 😭 literally my fav gfx ever on this site.. u have such a vibrant + clean style it’s so sexy 😭 literally am in love with everything u make.. every time i see it i’m like 😳💖 also you’re such a sweetheart in your tags i can’t with you... spare friendship miss 💍

@jeonginz | bri! honestly.. i think you’re my oldest mutual from when we first started our blogs during survival era #ogs? 😳 when i found out you were nctmark... mind blown... anyways all your content is AMAZING even though u dont make as much for skz anymore msdg but ur dedication to all ur sideblogs.. galaxy brain 😌

@jinlix | kelly...!! still gazing at u across the river i love love love u!! how to purchase friendship? ur just the purest snowflake and a wonderful person with the cutest tags... ur love for hyunjin.. CUTE 💞 all your graphics are so pretty and clean as well.. dragonlix gfx never forgotten.. 😳 and you’re rly just a little angel!! 💞

@kim-woojins​ | emma, i know that you’re gone and closed pretty much but if you come back to this! just wanted to let you know that you were my fav woojin cc and i hope you’ll consider coming back someday 💖 your gifs.. always amazing! plus, you’re such a kind person and i hope everything is okay with you and things have settled a bit! sending you lots of love 💕

@kittylixie | moon.. honestly one day i just started seeing ur content everywhere.. ur gifs are so clean and pretty and just! mwah! you’re always so quick to gif as well i don’t know how you to do it! all the stuff you choose to gif as well.. best moments 💖

@kmwoojins | sagey.... still don’t really know how i came to be following you! 😩 but i’m so happy i am because you are so pure and sweet and i adore adore adore you!! 💞 love how welcoming and lovely you are as a human and still laugh every time i think about how shocked you are about jo and i... �� anyways i adore your graphics and you, thank you for just being such a lovely human, you were a wonderful part of my year 💖

@leeminho-s | hi lia! i know we only became moots recently but all your gifs.. so pretty 😳 and we never have enough minho content.. thank you for providing 😫 i’m sorry i don’t know much about you yet but i just wanted to say i admire your gifs so much and hope you have a wonderful start to the new year!

@minknows | hi thien! first of all.. your name.. so lovely 😳 secondly.. the colouring on your gifs is always so pretty and good 😭❤ the sharpening too.. 😔 just!! chefs kiss to it all, would take a class on how to gif from you 🙇‍♀️

@nochous | dez!! we haven’t interacted much on this sb of mine but hehe i loved our convo on my sf9 blog.. still always thinkin abt you calling kun daddy 😭 you’re such a fun person to talk to and i hope everything is okay with you since you’ve gone on a semi-hiatus! i hope we’ll have another chance to talk soon, sending you some good energy for 2020 💗

@prodskz | hi neha! i feel like you took a hiatus sometime this year (??) where i didn’t see you on much but i’m happy to see you a little more active on here now!! u provide such nice content + for some reason i rly rly love your icon 😭💗

@realstraykids | miss em.. secret santa FATED us 😔💕 anyways i adore you, we are the core of fantastay culture and this will forever unite us 😌 i’m vibrating at the thought of their comeback 😖 ANYWAYS you are such a friendly and lovely person and i enjoyed getting to talk with u so much over the past couple of weeks 💖 you’re one of my fav gifmakers honestly your mv aesthetics swap.. as i said.. 😭 amazing iconic showstopping! + the colouring on all your gifs.. so pretty 😭

@seungminhos |  to quote you. you are far too funny to be a gifmaker 😣 but then who would provide all the good seungmin content.. 😞 you’re such a force of nature on my dash and i love reading all your thoughts bc you are Funny.. and your love for seungmin + how you always want the best for him is pure!! our sporadic interactions too.. always enjoy them 💕 even though i know you’re stressed about being on here sometimes, i want you to know that you’re wonderful and i appreciate all you do to bring more seungmin on our dashes 💗 pls stop threatening to delete your blog, i would be devastated 😫

@seungminsmile | aurora!! the one time i was about to have a seungmin breakdown and went to you... hehe you’re such a cutie and very grounded person (imo!!) and you make the cutest little graphics.. the little doodles.. how do you do that!! 😳 and now that you’re making gifs.. Queen! i hope your first semester went well! 💕

@seunie | hello nia!! i know we are still new moots but you are such a pure soul.. just ur blog title.. angel! you radiate so much love and sweetness 💞 your gifs are always so vibrant + colourful as well and bring a bit of colour onto my dash just like you! hopefully we can speak in the coming year, i wish you the very best! 🥰

@skzbffie | rayana... all ur gifs... bro.... how to start a rayana religion... amazing 😍 ur gifs are always so clean + i can recognize them by the subtitle font you use.. u always choose the best moments to gif honestly how to be u! honestly ur tags are fun to read too don’t judge me i am just an admirer and fan of u 😭

@skznta | miss sierra! idk how to put it into words but you... goddess of goodness? you truly radiate so much positivity and happiness and it makes me so.. uwu (for lack of better words).. you’re so so cute over all your love for science and i’m glad we got to bond over that! the way you’re always striving to learn more + improve yourself.. u inspire me 😳 you are also an incredible cc and thank you for bringing so much joy into the fandom and my life!! i feel very grateful to have gotten to know you a little this year 💞

@thechanboys | jem.. u are a GEM... 😭 the way i got u for secret santa i’ll never get over it!! you are just such sunshine and so fun to talk to and 😳💞 if u ever wanna abandon bin for me.. 😌 my fav number one chan/bin stan..! i’m so happy you got into skz this year and i’m gonna try my hardest to get you into some other groups hehe 🤧 anyways, you are incredible, lovely, wonderful, amazing i love u jem!! 💖

@tinyjisung | bea! honestly.. we are moots on like 3(?) blogs our multi selves.. galaxy brain...  i know ur more active on ur ateez blog but i wanted to write abt you here anyways because I CAN! 😌 but i love all that good san content you provide + you just seem like a very calm n fun person 💕

@virgolix | nina. you’re such a cute person filled with love and you just spread so much positivity and good energy! you treat everyone with so much kindness and it’s so nice to see 💖 and if i can rave about your gifs for a minute... they are unreal 😫 the sharpening.. colouring.. always so amazingly clean + pretty + vibrant! 

@wonstal | hi hi! okay.. i adore all your content, you have the cutest colouring ever!! + topaz settings.. so pretty 😖💞 even though we started off as moots on my mx blog, i’m so glad you got into skz and ateez + will be on your sweet merry way to sf9 soon 🤞 i’m glad we’ve just started chatting a bit because you seem super fun and i’m excited to get to know you better! i hope 2020 treats you well darling 💖

@yongbells | iana.. hope everything is okay with you always and sending you lots of love! i miss seeing you on here but i hope you’re taking good care of yourself 💗 also.. gfx queen... 😖 you’re SUCH a ray of sunshine.. the way you always tell people how much you love their creations is so kind and all of your own gfx are some of the most beautiful things ever 💖 we are so blessed to have you in this fandom 😩 

[peach-pops]

Okay fine 😡 here u go: Could i get a romantic haikyuu matchup hehe. Im a straight female, she/her, 5'3, long black hair thats thick as fuck and it dances between wavy and straight-ish. I have brown almond shaped eyes and chubby cheeks hehe. Im a chubbier girl, im in the middle of the spectrum ig. I have thicc thighs and calves (lowkey insecure abt those but lets not talk about that). I dont rlly have a specific style,I literally jump from midi summer dresses to (1/4) - 🍓

a pair of slacks and a turtleneck. I dabble in creative hobbies like painting and playing a few instruments but im mediocre at best. I absolutely love cooking and baking. I definitely excel more in the academic realm and people say im a natural born leader. I also always speak up against any issues, and im notorious for being really scary when i start to debate about literally anything. Im a sucker for physical affection, bordering on touch starved, ig i just constantly crave affection(2/4) ||  Im very loving and outgoing with friends and those im comfortable with, but i struggle in new environments with new ppl. Im very protective over those i love and will fight anyone who dares disrespect them, and Im not afraid to show affection with those im close to. I'm into Unsolved and Worth It on youtube, but i also adore shows like Patriot Act and John Mulaney's stand up specials. || Oh and i also find it hard to love myself and my anxiety is always through the damn roof esp before i go to sleep. And as for my favorite song/anthem uhhhh i think id go for either NFWMB or Moment's Silence, both by Hozier. The prior gives so much praise and affection towards a lover in such a deep and unique way, and the latter because its sounds so deep and meaningful (and it definitely is) but at its core its such a horny song HAHAH. Aaaaaa i hope that was enough info hehe

Unsolved and John Mulaney?! turtleneck with slacks?! scary when you start a debate?! We were meant to be friends XD thanks for always being so awesome strawberry anon! Hope you like it! Matchups are open and the rules can be found here or in my bio!

I ship you with Suga!

When Suga first saw you, he almost had a heart attack cause he could’ve sworn he saw an angel. No joke. When you had walked into the gym that day, it felt like fate and once he saw you, his knees were practically SHAKING!!!

Now imagine how he almost had a heart attack when you actually went up to him to talk to him?!?! You killed him fly high suga 

He admires so many things about you like even though you think you’re mediocre at playing a few instruments, he still thinks you’re incredibly talented because learning one instrument is hard enough. 

He is also in awe on how academically gifted you are. School isn’t necessarily hard for Suga but for it to be something you really excel at only makes him love you even more.

Do you guys really rely on study dates? No but it’s such a great excuse to hang out with each other for hours. Everytime you two study in his bedroom, it just ends up with you laying on his chest and falling asleep while he has a close to a billion photos of you knocked out 

Date night ranges from dinner and walking around town or just staying at home and baking.

One time while you two were baking in your kitchen, Suga turned up the volume to the movie you two were watching and made you stop to slow dance with him to the movie score playing in the background

Lots of quiet and reassuring whispers like “ you look beautiful tonight” even if you’re in your pajamas and “ just a bit longer” when you insisted that you had to take the cupcakes out of the oven 

Suga is always your number one fan and the same goes for you when you come and watch his games. Even though he doesn’t get a lot of playing time, it doesn’t bother him too much. No one ever teases him about it but he always jokes about how “ at least I have a girlfriend you losers” cause you know he is a lil sassy/jabby like that

You two are a lot a like in so many ways; definitely “looks like a cinammon roll but can actually kill you vibe” when it comes to being protective, being angry etc. 

Yes Suga is the mom of the group but when he’s hanging out with the underclassmen, the title is given to you and I swear it’s like wrangling cattle

I don’t think Suga cares about too much about PDA. He wouldn’t makeout with you in front of the first years or anything but he 100% give you a quick kiss on the lips, lingering touches on your hips, etc! 

Also he would call you “sweetheart”, “honey”, or “my love” around the boys because why should he feel embarrassed or ashamed? 

If your anxiety is really bad before you sleep, he will come over to your house, no matter how late it is, and try to ease your mind. 

If you want him to hold you and massage your hair while you sleep? He will do it no problem

If you rather him just sit on the edge of your bed and say comforting words to you instead? Of course, anything for you

He would be the most caring and understanding boyfriend of all time. The saying of how some people fall in love with their spouse everyday is totally based off of him and he is not ashamed at all

Suga knows he’s whipped and insanely in love with you but nope, he doesn’t care. As long as you’re with him, he feels like he can do anything he sets his mind to and he can only hope you feel the same way

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 300718

me and my mom fighting and it brings up memories from like 1-2 years ago when we were fighting all the fucking time, partly bc she was depressed and idk i just found it annoying or smth. idk why. its so mean of me to be so cold and just constantly scream at her and be angry at her even though shes sick and struggling financially but now when i hear her crying again i just cant........ stand it. i get so fucking angry its brings be back to 7th grade again and it totally pisses me off. i feel like seems playing the victim but i know she doesnt line i know its hard for her and she's been through stuff too but i just........... i dont feel anything. i dont feel any compssion or empathy at all i just feel ANNOY.

idk why i am like that. my older adoptive brother used to live with me, mom and lil sis bc he was depressed too and didnt have anywhere to live and i was so pissed. i went to this rich white school and i hated having divorced parents, a mom who was depressed and i couldnt afford all the other things the other kids could. now i realize what they got was fucking insane like they travelled abroad 2727 times a year and only wore designer brands at age 13 like who the fuck can afford that. but back then it made me feel like shit and my relationship to money is just....... even now i cant buy expensive shit. or yes i can, like computer snd stuff but i cant buy expensive clothes or make up cus i feel like such a brag and i still kinda feel like that cus dont like money but i also want money imd sving like s crazy person i have quite much money and i feel quiltat cus i have a lot but i still feel poor and i still cant get myself to spend. and my childhood was ever rough, my parents always made sure to give us what we needed (even if it wasnt like ine if those ugly juicu picture outfits for 100$ each) but i still hated the fact that my dad has to pay for mom and we had to live with him more just bc mom was depressed or not financially stable. i hated to hear them talk abt money and as the older sister i always felt responsible

it was hell back then and im soooo glad we're through that but ive always been the bitch dramatic annoying difficult kid that no one liked. and i was that bc....... idk i have so much anger and sade as within me i guess and also cus well.... then my lil sis wont have to do all this fighting. she was mostly quiet and if she was sad she was sad on her own (or maybe talked to mom a bit sfter). i think she was svared of me back then and i dont blame me i was very very aggressive and im still very aggressive when fighting

im just so frustrated. idk why im such s mean bigch i just cant stand it. maybe i feel guilty?? maybe im svared? idk but when i hear my mom cry i just want to go up to her and slap her. i remember when they divirced and i was like 11. it was like lodig a family again tbh, no it WAS losing a family again. i was always proud over our family but after that it was hell. and i constantly blamed mom and dad for adoöting us, then divorcing snd then getting fucking depressed and low key poor. i was so angry abt mom divorcing dad and i didnt even care why. its so insenditive bc i remember she called dad an enotional abuser and i can low key undersyand what she means but its more like my dad just not being able to express his feelings and he delas with it like pretending nothings wrong which is frustrating ss hell. were fighting a lot too cus he refuses to see things and hes always this positive hoe like..... anyways i blamed her and i saw her as my enemy. thats a problem i have i alwyas see people as friends or enemies and nothing in between. i always think ppl want to hurt me, even my own boyfriend. wow ive been so mean to him too. a mistake and i avt like hes the worst fkn scum on earth just trying to stab me. i blamed mom for everything and the worst thing is that when she says "shes okay with it", me blaming her snd she undersyand its i just grt even more angriper and frustrated and i just cant stand that goody goody. same with my boyfriend when i was treating him like trash and he forgave me i was like........ bitch no

i dont know why it id like that. its like in pushing people away. i obviously do, i realized. i always thought i was the one clinging onto ppl and them ababdoning me but im actually pushing them away bu being a dramatic bigch snd always starting drama when im not satisifed. i started drama with my friends cus i felt like they didnt like me which was actually justified tho cus they beger invited me to anything  and they cut off ppl if they one day decided they didnt like them so i was constantly scared snd wanted more attention eve tho they gave me everything. and obviously that fucked shir up and they cut me off snd i went BANANAS.

why do i always go bananas. its happening iver and over again. i alwyas go bananas and im always so hateful. my attitude to everything is like: "ITS ME!!!! IM THE CICTIM!!!" i really have an inferior complex dont i?? but i also kinda have a superior complex too? where it ink im better. but i think my superior complex is like s defense mechanism to my inferior. im like a bully but more of a drama queen. i remember when my ex bff called me a drama wueen i was soooooooo offended and now i realize bc its true. i am a drama queen but not bc i think its fun fighting thats why i got offended. ppl always think k want to start fights and like to start fights and...... its kind sture but not really. its true that i always start fights and that i feel like i have to fight allt he time but its simple bc of what i justs aid; i feel like i always have to fight and win. life is a constant battle for me, everyones after me. i have to fight even though im anxious all the time im fighting.

i dont understand why im so mean all the time. like when my mom is crying or when she was depressed or when me and my boyfriend are fighting and im so mean i make him cry i dont feel anything. i once said to my dad "now i understand why mom divirced you" and i didnt even feel bad about it. i just get annoyed, especially at my mom. i just want to tell then to shut the fuck up and when i was younger i literally did. my parents got divorced, my mom got ptsd, our money.... :// and i literally just blamed her for everything. for breaking up with dad, adopting me and my sister, divorcing, getting sick, getting bad economy. i hated her and i was such a mean little bitch. we fought constantly for years and even though its better now...... its still there within me. i was fighting with her again today and heard her crying and i just..... wanted her to stop. not because i care but because it makes me feel bad or something i dont know? oh yes, that must be it by the way. its probably guilt. yes its definitely guilt. even when she forgives me and even my boyfriend forgives me for being mean i get even more annoyed and it MUST be because i feel even more guilty?? i dont undersyand though why am i alwyas so mean. its really true i feel like the world is against me. i see people as friends or enemies and nothin inbetween like my boyfriend can make a mistake and i can get so fucking angry bc i think he wants to hurt me or something which is horrible. hes literally crying, telling me that he's been there for me all this time, when i wanted to die, when i fought with my parents and lost all my friends. hes telling me; "ive only been trying to help you. ive only been kind to you. why do you think i want to hurt you. i love you. why cant you see that"

just thinking back at those words gets me teary. hes so right but at moments like those i cant see or feel it. im blinded by.... i dont know. paranoia? hatred? fear? at that moment i refuse to see the truth in his words and instead i grow even more annoyed. and then i feel guilty and i try to shut him out which im doing by blaming him. i once forced him to break up with me just to blame him for it. thats some psycho shit and no matter how much im trying to undersyand i dont undersyand my own behavior but i also know im the first one to declare WAR as soon as someone criticize me. only my boyfriend can criticize me (when im stable, uhhh when im not stable im afraid i would be very very very mean to him). i only tteust him. but im also so guilty. hes too nice for me and we all know its true. im just using him. im using him. first i used him for his love and undersyanding. and now im not even in live with him anymore. now i use him because of everything we've been through, because i trust him better than anyone and because im svared of being alone and unloved. i dont know if i live him or if thats just some sick shit an abuser would tell themselves to keep staying with their target. i'd like to think i love him but maybe i only think about myself. maybe im only living on his love anyways because i sure as hell dont live myself. can i really say i love jim? look at me. im sad and i feel bad im about to text him i love him but then is top myself.... is that only me manipulating him? manipulating myself? i want to believe i love him to make me feel ebtter? ir would make sense considering how much i use him tor reassure myself. ive beeb doubting our relationship a lot and everytime i use him as a comforter to tell me everything will be fine.

i feel like im always mean and scare people away even though i want them to stay with me. even though i want to love them. why is it like that. why do i always feel so fucked up

sometimes im afraid to show this side and sometimes im not.

in struggling between moving on from the disgusting person i was but like..... i dont wanna escape. i feel like im only ignoring her snd i dont deserve it. i feel like im still that person no matter how much i try to move one idk. maybe its time? maybe it would feel better if i apologized but i just.... cant. im too proud. they both apologized to be snd in the moment i accepted and apologized to them too but now..... i dont know. sometimes i feel like i was a complete bitch and everhthing was my fault which it was. i was having a war with myself and i dragged them into it. i was paranoid and thought they only wanted to hurt me. but st the same time i also KNOW they did things that werent very smart. i dont think they did it on purpose like i think back then but...... fuck it was stupid and im still mad about it. i just felt so abandoned and humiliated and the reason i got so depressed back then was because i realized its because of who i am. similar things have happened before but i just kept going cus i thought they were dumb af but now i really realized i got issues. snd im afraid i wont ever be able to make a real friend if i cant fix it

i feel like i have to hide it and if i hide it and cant show it im a bad person and ppl will judge me and hate me (justified)

im trying to be positive and the better im feeling, the less mean i am but like...... im still mean and abusive.