#everytime I talk about this fic to one of my non-op friends I feel the need to emphasize how not outside of the realm of canon this is

[spicy-dragon]

I love all your headcanons and opinions and art about Zoro and Sanji's sex life!! Do you have any smut you've written?

Thank you!!!!

I don’t have anything that’s finished, but as per usual I have about a million wips

So here’s a part of a wip I’ve been writing where Zoro gets turned into a woman and zosan end up in a fucked up situationship 👇

“You need to get laid.”

Sanji hurled the wooden spoon at his head. Zoro reached up and caught it from the air before it made contact, bringing it to his mouth to drag his tongue through the sauce coating the end. It was perfect, of course. That didn’t stop him from eyeing the cook as he licked his lips and offering,

“Tastes a little sweet.” —just to watch the way the other man bristled at the jab.

“Maybe to someone with the taste buds of a mutated sea cucumber!” He snarled, slamming the lid back into the pot with a loud clang and turning down the flame. “And what I do in private is none of your business, so back off unless you want me to knock you through that wall.”

The threat was as empty as they came. Sanji had already made it abundantly clear where Zoro currently fell on his inane fighting spectrum. Despite the strong words, he’d no more raise a polished shoe to Zoro right now than he would roundhouse kick Nami for asking the time of day—a thought that pricked up Zoro’s spine in an uncomfortable way. It had only been a few days, but he was already itching for the normality of their fights. A day spent without Sanji trying to cave his skull in was a day he spent bored. He needed the thrum of a good fight, the exertion that came only from being pitted against someone who matched your strength. That brief moment in time where Sanji’s head was filled with nothing but him. If the cook wouldn’t fight him, he’d have to get his fill another way. Zoro’s determination returned two-fold, and the words were leaving his mouth before he could reconsider what a bad idea this was.

“I’ll fuck you,” Zoro said, downing the last mouthful of sake from the bottle. “Probably be the first time you’ve ever actually touched a woman.”

Sanji whipped around, cigarette crunched between his teeth as he bristled.

“Listen you stupid Neanderthal, I—” The rest of the insult was choked off as Sanji’s mouth clamped shut, eyes going comically wide as he registered Zoro’s proposition for what it was. “What?”

“I said I’ll fuck you.” The empty sake bottle clinked as Zoro set it down, pushing his seat back to stand from the table. “Or more accurately, I’ll let you fuck me.”

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT TO FUCK YOU?” The screech of Sanji’s voice shot so loud Zoro was almost worried the others would hear it from wherever they were on the island. It was laughable, the way Sanji shook with barely contained rage, as though Zoro hadn’t felt the burning gaze on him any time his back was turned. As though Sanji hadn’t made it painfully obvious he no longer knew where to look when Zoro was in the room.

“Everything about how you’ve been acting the past days makes me think that.”

Sanji dropped his gaze to the floor under the pretense of glaring at the wood, but Zoro could see the embarrassment flickering through his expression. He wrapped his hand around Kitetsu, sliding the sword free from its holster, still sheathed in its saya, and angled the blade beneath the cook’s chin. Sanji jolted at the touch, gaze darting back up to Zoro as he continued,

“You can’t look at me because you’re attracted to me.”

Sanji opened his mouth as if to deny it, but no words escaped. He clamped his jaw back down around silence that was as good as a confession. The furrow between his eyebrows deepened, but his eyes flickered down Zoro once, and he took the expression for what it was. Interest. Zoro smirked.

“Here’s the thing, Cook.” He pressed forward with Kitetsu, tilting Sanji’s head further up so he was looking down his nose to keep his gaze. The easy compliance was new, and it gave Zoro a little thrill to have Sanji at the end of his sword, obeying the minute pressure without so much as a protest. “I’m not gonna be a woman forever.” He tilted his head to the side, giving the cook’s chin a gentle tap with the tip of his blade. “You still gonna be able to look me in the eye after you’ve been inside me?”

Sanji blushed. It was immensely gratifying to watch the bright red color flood his cheeks to the tips of his ears, even as his face pulled into an irritated scowl. However he didn’t respond, and as the silence lapsed the answer became clear, even if it wasn’t the one Zoro wanted to hear.

He began drawing Kitetsu back. Not worth it if Sanji was going to freak out the moment he was back to normal. Not worth it if it would only make things weird for the crew. Not worth it no matter how much disappointment curled like a dying plant in Zoro’s chest. Before he could withdraw the sword entirely, Sanji’s hand shot up to wrap around it, gritting his teeth as he met Zoro’s gaze with a stubborn glare.

“I can look you in the eye. Now, and later,” he hissed.

Fire ignited in Zoro’s chest like someone had struck a match and dropped it in there. He grinned, wide and feral as he yanked Kitetsu back, dragging the cook with it into his space. He slid the blade back into place alongside the other two and curled his free hand into Sanji’s tie to pull him in even closer.

“Big talk, Curly. You want to put your money where your mouth is?”

Sanji glared at him for just a moment longer, face still flushed red, before he flicked his cigarette to the side and crushed their mouths together.

Zoro grabbed a fistful of his suit jacket, pulling him even closer as Sanji’s hands slid up his neck and into his hair. His mouth tasted like ash and the bordelaise sauce he’d been making for dinner, the scent of cigarette smoke and cologne invaded Zoro’s senses as Sanji kissed him again and again. It was everything Zoro had never let himself imagine.

Sanji pushed him until his back hit the edge of the table and Zoro allowed himself to be lifted onto it, spreading his legs so Sanji could slip in between them. He fisted a hand through blonde hair as the cook broke away from his mouth to press a hot kiss against his jaw, then his ear, working down to his neck. Pleasure struck electric all the way down to his toes as Sanji opened his mouth to suck hard on his skin.

“You gonna fuck me right here in your precious kitchen?” He goaded.

“Of course not.” Sanji hissed, pulling back away from his skin. “First of all, we eat here, that's disgusting. Second of all, I’m a gentleman. I would never bed a woman somewhere so uncomfortable.”

Zoro clenched his grip in Sanji’s hair, tugging sharply at the roots to earn a wince.

“I’m not a woman, Curly.”

Sanji hissed, wrapping his hand around Zoro’s to relieve the pressure on his scalp.

“You are in all but name right now,” he spat. “Isn’t that the point of this?”

Zoro ignored the prick of pain in his chest, pushed it back and away behind the part of him that was aching for more of Sanji’s touch. To have this man willing and wanting beneath his fingers.

“Fair enough,” he hooked one leg around Sanji’s waist pulling their bodies flush together so he could watch the way the cook’s expression crumbled at the unexpected friction. “Romance me then, Gentleman.”

“You’re such a fucking brute.” Sanji seethed, but he surged forward for another kiss, licking into Zoro’s mouth as he cupped his face to tip it back.

Zoro’s whole body was on fire, the arousal pooling low in his stomach felt different than he was used to. Not entirely alien, but unfamiliar enough that it made him dizzy. He hooked his other leg around the cook’s waist, rolling his hips to explore the sensation. Sanji broke the kiss with a gasp, grinding back against him, and the burst of pleasure had Zoro pitching forward to press his forehead to the cook’s shoulder.

“You’ll be the death of me,” Sanji groaned. “Come on.”

The second he shifted like he was going to pull away Zoro clamped down his grip, stubbornly dragging him back in. The thought of separating from Sanji long enough to leave the galley, cross the deck, and reach the men’s cabin wasn’t appealing in the slightest. He tipped his head up, leaning in so he could press his lips against Sanji’s ear and speak low into it.

“Let’s just do it here.”

Pressed together as they were, it was impossible for Sanji to hide the shiver that ran up his spine and when he spoke again it was through clenched teeth.

“God, you’re so lazy.” His weight shifted forward against Zoro, and for a second he thought the cook was giving up. Instead, he slid his hands under Zoro’s thighs to hoist him up. Zoro startled, barely biting back a very unmanly yelp. He braced his hands on Sanji’s shoulders to keep his balance as he leaned back. At this angle, he was looking down on Sanji, disheveled hair falling across his face as he smirked in a way that felt downright sinful. “I’ll just do all the work, shall I?”

There was a sarcastic lilt to his voice, but he moved towards the door of the galley. Maybe under different circumstances Zoro would have objected to the manhandling, but it kept the cook close and freed him up to taste the milky white skin he’d dreamt about one too many times.

“If you’re offering.”

He leaned in to kiss the soft skin just below Sanji’s ear, opening his mouth to suck and nibble along his neck. He was only vaguely aware of the change in scenery as the cook kicked the door open and they made it outside, the cool sea air caressing his overheated skin.

“No marks,” Sanji growled, and Zoro released the patch of skin from between his teeth.

“Why?”

“Because I don’t want anyone asking questions or making assumptions.”

Zoro hummed, sliding his fingers into the knot of Sanji’s tie to work it loose, a sly smile making its way onto his face.

“So it’s okay if it’s somewhere no one will see?” He asked, popping open the first few buttons of Sanji’s dress shirt and slipping his hand beneath the fabric to expose the beginning of his collar bone. He was pleased to see the red of his flush making its way all the way down his chest.

“I didn’t say that,” he hissed, but carrying Zoro as he was, he was in no position to stop it as Zoro leaned in to nip at his clavicle, running his tongue along the skin there before latching onto a spot at the base of his neck with a hard suck.

“Zoro,” the cook warned, but the hitch in his breath and the way his steps faltered only urged him on. He grazed his teeth against the spot, testing his limits before continuing to suck on his skin.

“Zoro,” he tried again, growling it through clenched teeth. Zoro released the spot, only to pull his shirt further askew and mouth his way down to a new patch of skin.

Sanji slammed him against the door to the men’s cabin, fisting a hand in his hair to tear his head back and kiss him fiercly.

“You are absolutely infuriating,” he hissed in between kisses.

Zoro grinned into the kiss, catching the cook’s bottom lip between his teeth to give it a sharp nip. He reached back, groping for the handle, the door swung open and they stumbled inside.

Sanji only stopped kissing him long enough to set him back on his feet before raising both hands to catch his face and pull him back in.

Zoro popped open the buttons of his suit jacket, sliding his hands up to push the heavy material off his shoulders. Sanji’s hands left his face to tear it the rest of the way off without breaking the kiss, before gripping the bottom of his shirt. His hands twitched, making an aborted move upward only to release his shirt and settle back on his hips to tug him closer. Zoro felt a bubble of amusement rise in his chest as he recognized the hesitation for what it was. The love-cook, afraid to go to second base. Zoro broke the kiss with a low chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” Sanji murmured.

“Aren’t you being too much of a gentleman right now?” Zoro asked.

“Huh?” He asked dumbly, and Zoro tapped a finger against the hand pressed unmoving against his waist.

“Your hands haven’t left the safe zones.”

Sanji froze, a startlingly flustered look crossing his face that made Zoro want to laugh out loud just to piss him off. Instead, he placed a hand on Sanji’s chest, pushing him back enough that they were no longer touching. He grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head in one fluid movement. Sanji gaped at him as he tossed the shirt carelessly to the side, planting his hands on his hips.

“We’re gonna have sex, Cook. You’re allowed to touch me.”

Sanji sighed, covering his beet red face with his hands.

“This isn’t fucking fair.”

Zoro chuckled, stepping towards him and Sanji startled, snapping his head up as his eyes flicked comically from Zoro’s face down to his bare chest and back again. When he was close enough, he reached out a hand to press it flat against Sanji’s chest, leaning in just enough to watch how his eyes flickered with anticipation. Then Zoro hooked his foot around the back of the cook’s ankle to pull his leg out from under him and shoved him back. Sanji flailed, tripping on the edge of the depression in the floor and falling hard onto the couch behind him.

“Fucking hell!” He shouted, scrambling up onto his elbows to spit at him like an angry cat. “What was that for?!”

Zoro stepped forward, pressing his boot against the front of Sanji’s pants. The cook jolted, tipping his head forward to try and hide the full body shiver that ran through him.

“You’re so easy to manipulate like this,” Zoro taunted, shifting forward to put more pressure against Sanji’s groin. “It’s amazing no one’s taken advantage of you yet.”

“Fuck you,” Sanji hissed, the venom of it lessened by the audible tremor in his voice.

“I already said you could,” he teased, drawing his foot away from Sanji’s crotch.

He sat down on the edge of the couch area, lifting one leg so he could work his boot off, then the other, dropping them both to the floor with a heavy thunk. Sanji watched him with dark eyes as he slid to the couch, reaching out to grab the loose knot of his tie and pulled it the rest of the way off. He fumbled with the tiny buttons of Sanji’s dress shirt, revealing more skin at an absolutely infuriating pace. He was tempted to just rip the thing open, if only to see how much the cook would let him get away with. However, woman or not that move was likely to piss him off and Zoro wasn’t risking this. Not when he was burning beneath his skin and Sanji’s fingers deftly joined his own to hastily finish opening his shirt so Zoro could drag it off him.