#everythingistrauma

[thefirespiral-blog]

To coin a phrase, I was today years old when I learned that this was a thing. I was poleaxed. When I look at the diagnostic criteria for other diagnoses I have been given - C-PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder, Bipolar II - I have met at LEAST the least number of criteria in the DSM. But not all of them. And honestly, none of them answered in any meaningful way this one pattern I have seen over and over and fucking over in my 50+ years.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria? I have every. single. one.

Like, this THING, this RSD, it has destroyed relationships and groups. Kept me small. Kept me on the Easy setting. Limited myself to a very small box. This is a big key - more than any other - in terms of understanding and equipping the parts of myself that I most struggle with, feel most crushed by. This along with the joy of C-PTSD and bipolar II, well, let's just say if I had a warning label, those three things should be on it.

No, RSD is not in the DSM. Yet. But apparently it's getting some attention. Here are the criteria:

High sensitivity about the possibility of rejection

Overly high standards for yourself

Feeling easily triggered toward guilt or shame

Isolating yourself in a preemptive strike not to be rejected

Aggressive or rageful behavior toward those who have been perceived to have slighted you

Frequently feeling an uncomfortable physical reaction due to "not fitting in" or being misunderstood

Self-esteem that is entirely dependent on what others think, and rises and falls accordingly

Frequent and intense ruminating after an interaction about how you did or said something wrong

Y'all.

I could give you a chronological account of the MANY ways each one of these criteria has destroyed something I loved, a relationship I cherished, or something that didn't have a chance to grow. ANY person who knows me personally has encountered this in my behavior, whether you knew it or not. And who are we kidding? You probably knew it.

Fuck. I feel so many feels about this - I feel like sobbing, like singing, like raging, like relief, like finally I understand something that I could never quit explain. This is a huge piece of why I drank and used cannabis. This is why I've struggled to stay in a community for very long - or a job or career, for that matter. This is why I'm not a published writer, it's why I'm not a therapist, it's why I never moved much beyond entry level in ANYTHING.

I can remember one of the root rejection traumas from 1st grade and 4th grade, and I suspect there are some from pre-school that I can't remember.

Tools include those of CBT, ACT and DBT. Which is great, because those modalities are primary in everything I'm doing right now, with a bit of depth psychology thrown in because hey, I'm a polytheist writer and everything is story to me.

I wish I had more words or could more strongly convey what I'm sitting with today. I really covered some major shit up with my drinking. I wish it hadn't taken me this long to figure this stuff out, but here I am, and I can only move forward, not back. Sobriety has uncovered so many parts of my Self that I didn't even know were there. They were just buried in fucking wine. I am grateful for the sequence of events that led me to be able to break the bottle and find what was hiding in the bloody depths.

If I have ever blind-sided you with something on this list - and trust me, if we're connected at all, I have - I am so sorry. You will never know how sorry. But now I can learn and gather tools so I can grow through it. And hopefully other things will start to shine.