#everything is my enemy when I'm tryna breathe

[cinnabon-sweetroll-tiramisu]

I'm unfit asf, just walking up the damn stairs got me wheezing and asking jesus to take the wheel.

[askinkiskarma]

𝕄𝕠𝕟𝕤𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕚𝕟 𝕄𝕖 | ℂ𝕙𝕒𝕡𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕀𝕀: ℍ𝕚𝕕𝕚𝕟𝕘 𝕆𝕦𝕣 𝕊𝕚𝕟𝕤 𝔽𝕣𝕠𝕞 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝔻𝕒𝕪𝕝𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥

Pairing: Neteyam x (f)Omaticaya!Reader

synopsis: you decide to make Neteyam pay for all the hurt he's caused you, but what will happen when your own plan comes back to bite you in the ass?

warnings: 18+ minors DNI, aged-up! Neteyam/Reader, enemies-to-lovers, strong language, mentions of violence, blood, neteyam and reader being horrible to each other lol

wc: 5k words

a/n: i'm so flabbergasted by the incredible response to my first enemies-to-lovers fic, you don't even know! thank you so much, it means so much to see you besties enjoying it and being excited about it. I will reiterate once more than this is a trope suuper outside of my comfort zone, so i hope you enjoy me wracking my brain to figure out the plot as i go along hahahah. enjoy, and as always, thank you for every like, reblog, reply, it means the world x (thank you very much also to @cinetrix for her amazing Neteyam art ily bestie x)

na'vi compendium: syä - bitter, yawne - beloved, tanhì - bioluminescent freckle, 'itan - son, 'ite - daughter, Tsakarem - Tsa'hik in training, tsamsiyu - warrior, muntxate - mate, 'eylan - friend

: ̗̀➛ previous chapter (x) : ̗̀➛ series masterlist (x) : ̗̀➛ series playlist (x)

Tryna wash away all the blood I've spilt, this lust is a burden that we both share

Two sinners can't atone from a lone prayer, souls tied, intertwined by our pride and guilt

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time, you and I drink the poison from the same vine

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time, hidin' all of our sins from the daylight

Just like most Na’vi, you’ve always felt comfortable at night. It always felt to you like the best time to be alive, is when the plants came to life alongside you, in iridescent hues and kaleidoscopes of vibrant colours. You’ve always liked how the village quieted, much like your mind, and how you were able to almost disappear in the dead of the forest, your body perfectly camouflaged in the trees and shrubbery surrounding you, glowing lights reflecting on your lustrous skin. It was heaven on Pandora, and it was yours to take, yours to enjoy, yours to experience. 

It didn’t feel like that right now, as you were stalking towards the village with a hand around your neck, tears falling down your face, a forlorn disposition plaguing your mind, fear protruding uninvited through the stalks of your thoughts. You kept glancing behind you, trying to see if Neteyam was following you, and felt mildly soothed when the village came abruptly into focus. You let out a breath of relief that you felt has been lodged in your throat for too long and started running towards your tent, exalted when you reached it and pushed the flap closed, almost considering glueing it shut with the sap from the tree Na’vi use in building furnishings for the village and their homes. You couldn’t stop the scream that escaped you as a voice you didn’t expect to hear in a home you thought was deserted spoke up, filling the much needed silence. 

“Is everything alright, Tanhí? Why are you so jumpy?” O'ì'en’s calming tone did very little to soothe you, but you knew you needed to settle your mind, so as to not raise suspicion. Any hint of what transpired between you and Neteyam would lead to complications you didn’t want to have to deal with, not when you had it all under control. There was no need to bring anyone into a war that only concerned two people, that would lead to destruction and ache you didn’t want anybody you cared about to have to experience. You had it all under control.

The reason for your unsightly fight with Neteyam brought back the conversation between yourself and Mo’at, that you tried your best to push away from your mind, that now came back in full swing as you finally took him in, as you knew you would have to tell him, and deal with the consequences of Eywa's vision and your decision to not talk the Tsa'hik out of it as a way to get revenge on the man who hurt you deeper and deeper with each day that passed. You and O'ì'en never made your relationship official, and never really even talked about it seriously, but there was no need - it was obvious enough. It was quite clear to most people that although undefined right now, your future was shaping up before your eyes, and its shape looked a lot like mating before Eywa, it looked a lot like kids and laughter and happiness and all the good things you thought you wanted, that you wanted to want every day of your life. You didn’t know whether you were convinced, deep down, but either way, you were always willing to try. Now, it seemed you wouldn't even get the chance.

“Everything’s fine, yawne. Just didn’t expect to see you here.” You thanked Eywa silently for the darkness in your home that hid your new-found bruises and closed the distance between you two, smiling as genuinely as you could bring yourself to, and reaching out to stroke his cheeks, the smile didn’t feel as forced when he leaned into your touch, closing his eyes and almost purring in comfortable contentment. 

“I just came to check on you after the mission. You were… impressive. As you always are. It means so much, watching you out there, seeing what you’re capable of, how incredible you are, knowing the future moth-“ his eyes widened as his words registered in his mind and he stopped, and your expression couldn’t have been far removed from his in this moment, that felt all of a sudden thick with anticipation and nerves, with tension and fear. You didn’t know which emotions came from you. 

“Ma O'ì'en…I…” 

Both your heads snapped in the direction of the entrance, that was pushed open aggressively by a tall, muscular figure that you would recognise in every dream and every nightmare, in every waking moment, that you wished you didn’t. Neteyam stilled in his tracks as he noticed the scene in front of him, intimate and personal and clearly not for his eyes to see, and you felt a growl blossom in your throat that you had to swallow, if not for anything, for your still unflinching desire to keep this whole ordeal a secret for as long as you could. 

“I’m interrupting.” 

“Yes, yo-“

“No, Neteyam, future Olo’eyktan. Is there anything wrong?” 

“I need to talk to her. About the… mission.”

“I shall leave you to it, then. Please give your family my regards.”

“Thank you, O'ì'en. I appreciate it.” 

“No, yawne, you don’t have to leave. I can talk to Neteyam tomorrow. It’s late, anyhow.”

“Tanhi, we’ll… resume our conversation tomorrow, alright?” He gets close to you and his lips find your forehead for just a second, before he takes his leave, and you sigh, dread filling you at the thought of being in such proximity with the man that took so much space in your mind, the man that hurt you beyond words, that you would never be able to forgive. 

“How touching.”  his voice is filled with contempt and malice, and it hurts, still to this day, this tone you knew so familiarly, that you never managed to get used to, like a shadow following you in the night you would never be able to escape.

“Get the fuck out of my tent, Neteyam.” 

“He seems to have taken the news of our impending doom of a mateship very well. I’m impressed.” 

“Leave, Neteyam.” 

“You would think he would leave out of here kicking and screaming, that he would punch me and challenge me to First Blood for the chance to keep you… maybe you’re not as big a catch as I thought.” 

His steps were quiet, but determined, as he traversed the length of the tent and got close to you, until he took up your entire field of view and you hissed aggressively, your tail twirling so much it was almost hurting, as did your ears, pushed back until they were flat, and you removed your knife, resting in a sheath on your chest and held it a couple of millimetres from his neck. 

“I said… leave.” 

“Oh.. yawne, I doubt you’re going to kill me, but you’re more than welcome to try.” 

He had no time to say anything else as the knife made contact with his smooth skin, and in one fell swoop, a thin stripe of blood emerged from his chest, and started dripping down his body. You looked at it, at the clean, bright red liquid spilling, then raised your gaze to his face, that wasn’t shocked or scared, or even angry, but alive with a glimmer of something you couldn’t quite place in his eyes and a lazy smirk on his face. He shrugged.

“Guess I deserved that.” 

“So… why wasn’t your little boyfriend upset about our arrangement? Cause the way I see it, this means either you just conveniently left it out of the conversation, or it’s because you are actually planning on talking yourself out of it to my parents.”

Your heart was booming in your chest as his eyes bore into yours and the intensity in them scared you, but not because of any elicited fear, but of how your body reacted to it and how you didn’t know what those feelings plaguing you were, or how to make them stop. 

“Leave.”

“Now why would you not tell him about it? Are you scared? Scared he’ll find out you’ll finally get to be with a real man for once?” 

You chuckled. 

“Is that supposed to be you? That is funny, Neteyam, congratulations! I will let Lo’ak know that you managed to actually make a good joke for once in your life. He’ll be floored.” His expression darkened momentarily, but he regained his composure as quickly as he lost it. 

“If that’s not it, then, that means you will talk to my parents. I knew you couldn’t be dumb enough to accept this stupid little forced deal.” You wanted nothing more than to wipe that stupid little smirk off his face, and fortunately for you, you knew just the way to do it.

 

“Well, why, Neteyam, as much as the thought of being mated to you horrifies me beyond my wildest nightmares, it’s nothing compared to the joy I get thinking of how miserable you’re going to be if I don’t talk to your parents and have to watch the choice slip past your grasp, not that it was there to begin with, or the joy of - ah, there it is - the joy fading from your eyes as you realise you will have to tell your stupid little girlfriend that you and her, will never, ever happen, and she will never be Tsa’hik, and watch as you realise that everything I foretold is, in fact, true.”

It was your turn to smirk, widely and cruelly, as his smile faded a little more with every word you spoke, until it was completely removed and replaced with a snarl, deep scowl and menacing canines on full display for you, but you were no longer scared. No, pure adrenaline was rushing through your veins, heightened by the desire to hurt him, to see him crumble in front of you, to see him suffer a sliver of all the hurt he’s caused you over the years. 

“Listen me very carefully, Neteyam. For one reason or another, you have made it your life purpose to make mine miserable, and only mine. I don’t want this to happen, I really don’t. I would rather be with any other man on this planet before I even considered looking in your direction, but I will make you pay for all the hurt you’ve caused me. And I have no problem burning in the pits of what Jake calls Hell, if I get to watch you burn with me.” You smiled a sweet smile, running your finger over the cut that was still leaking blood, trailing it down his abdomen, over his abs, and you ignored once more how the feel of his muscular body made shivers emanate from your fingertip, propagating throughout your whole being. You also ignored how his body shuddered under your touch. “So you and me, we’re stuck together, and there’s nothing you can do about it. And I will enjoy every moment of my life in which I get to see your life fall apart before you and know that I made it happen. So this little charming act you’re pulling, it’s all in vain. It’s all in vain. Now get out.” 

You didn’t wait for him to answer you, but turned around and started preparing for bed. You removed the silk top covering your chest, and heard a sharp inhale as his eyes took in the scene, and your breath ceased, wondering if he was going to leave, like you told him to, wondering if you wanted him to. Eventually, the cold sting of the wind blowing hit your back, as he opened the flap to your tent and exited it, and all at once, it all hit you and you felt more alone, more forlorn than you ever have, and less sure than ever about your crazy, all-consuming schemes. 

You woke up with doubt filling your mind and the headache to match, and you wondered if you did in fact have to leave the comfort and safety of your tent for the life that you knew would be waiting to tear you slowly at the seams as soon as you left it. Dreams plagued your subconscious last night, floating in the ether, waiting to be grabbed and inspected by an uncertain mind, and in your state, they were, and turned over onto each one of their pretty facets, bringing back memories you struggled to forget, that hurt you in their innocence and beauty, in their absence, in their contrast to your life right now and the relationship you still mourned to this day on odd occasions, on harder days, like yesterday, and like today.

In those dreams, Neteyam’s eyes gleamed with excitement and love, instead of annoyance and hatred. In those dreams, his hands were warm as his fingers intertwined with yours on the practice grounds, instead of bruising and calloused as they snuffed the breath out of your throat. In dreams, his smile brightened your whole world and made the pain of training and the struggle of excellence not only bearable, but barely-felt. You couldn’t even remember the last time Neteyam smiled your way, a true smile, a gummy smile, a playful smile he still flashed most people, he still flashed his family, and friends, and clan, all of which you used to be, none of which you still are to him.

You wondered sometimes, very rarely, if he ever thinks about those times, too. If in his undivided quest to hurt you and one-up you, in his desire to see you fail and the joy he seems to derive from it, you wondered, did he ever think about those times, too? Does he ever remember you, innocent and young, full of spark and happiness, looking up at him like he was a planet and you were just his moon, trapped in his gravitational pull, circling his orbit, offering him solace and safety from the rest of the universe, from all the meteors that always tried to take too much out of him, too quickly. He used to love you, and want to protect you, he was there when your parents died, he was there to help you mourn and heal. Does he remember what you used to mean to him?

As you made your way to the Sullys' tent, you were greeted by shouting and a seemingly unending back-and-forth, but the voices involved in it weren't the ones you expected - not when they weren't Lo'ak and Kiri's, who you found bickering almost on the daily, who you were used to having to mediate peace treaties for, but instead, Neteyam and Jake's, both angry and raising above the peaceful chatter of the village that was just coming to life in light of a new day.

"- and this is just the way it is, Neteyam. This isn't like you! You, more than all the rest of your siblings combined, have always been able to see the bigger picture, to understand that sacrifices sometimes are necessary for the greater good. You have always been the one who was able to have perspective. What the hell happened, son?"

"What happened is you're trying to get me to mate with someone who I hate, who I will never be able to accept. I had a chosen mate! I had a life, and a plan, and now it's all over. Now you're telling me I have to give her every part of me, the most intimate parts of me, my children, my future. Her!"

You cringed at the way he said your name - like a blasphemy, like a curse. Spitting it like it was blood and bile mixing together on his tongue, coating his mouth, like the vile word hurt sitting in his throat. and he desperately needed to get it out before it could do any more damage.

"This isn't my decision, son. And it's not yours, either. It's Eywa's. You know she's never wrong, you know there's a reason for this. She seems to see it, too, why can't you at least try?"

There was silence in the tent and you felt guilty for prying, your body crouched next to the tent and your ear against its woven fabric, but not guilty enough to stop. Jake sighed loudly. You heard Neytiri's calmer, more even tone take over.

"Ma 'itan... you used to love this girl. She used to be your best friend, you used to do everything together. I know things have changed between you, but deep down, you're both the same two people you used to be. You both can find each other again, you just have to try. Why won't you try?"

Neteyam huffed and the sudden commotion made you jolt back, hiding in the corner as he pushed passed the closed flap, muttering mostly to himself as he left the tent, and his family, behind.

"You know damn well why."

You let out a breath you've been holding for the entirety of the conversation, as you came out of hiding and entered the tent, trying your best not to look like you overheard the entirety of that conversation that although about you, clearly was not intended for your ears to hear. Even if you hadn't heard the whole thing, it would still be obvious you were on their minds and on their lips as their eyes scrambled in shame and embarrassment, the room drowned in awkwardness and heaviness none of you could quite shake, none of you could quite swim in gracefully. Neytiri spoke first, her motherly instincts kicking in as she noticed your pained expression, that as hard as you tried, you couldn't hide from the people you loved so much, from the people that knew you so well.

"Ma 'ite, come, sit. We saved you food." she took you gently by the shoulders and pushed you to the middle of the room, and then down until you sat next to Lo'ak, who gave you a pitying look and a half-smile, an underwhelming attempt at telling you he's heard the news, and he feels sorry for you. Lo'ak more than most people knew how it felt to be stuck to Neteyam, how it felt to know that, no matter what happened or where life took him, he'd always live in his big brother's shadow, unable to escape his majestic, adept, irritating grasp. It seems you were now in a similar boat, bound to be known as no more than Neteyam te Suli Tsyeyk'itan's mate, and eventually, the Tsa'hik of the Omaticaya. It was a good title, a worthy title, a mighty title - just not one for you, and Lo'ak knew this all too well.

"I didn't get to see you after the mission, kid. I wanted to tell you you did a phenomenal job. Neytiri and I are very proud of you, you are genuinely better and better every day."

You felt annoyance build in you at his comments, but pushed it down. They were being nice, and it wasn't their fault. None of this was their fault. It wasn't anybody's fault. It was Eywa's will. And Eywa knew best. And still, still, you couldn't help feel it, the frustration that gnawed at you at this situation, at the way none of it would matter soon in their eyes, how it would all be forsaken and forgotten, your skill, your prowess, everything you worked for for 19 years.

So, say something. Tell them you don't want to do it. That you're meant to be more, was born to be more than just his mate. Say something.

Nothing came out as you chewed your food apathetically, trying to focus instead of little Tuk who came to sit next to you, and you pulled her closer, sharing your food silently. She smiled up at you, and you couldn't help reach down and peck her on her forehead. It's been a while since you went out, just you girls, and you felt guilty for abandoning Kiri and Tuk for Lo'ak's training sessions and your own, and made a mental note to organise a foraging trip soon.

"Kid, you are one of the best warriors I have ever seen in my 19 years of being Olo'eyktan. In fact, you are one of the best I've ever seen, even back on Earth. You should be very proud of yourself and what you've achieved. I know there's so much still there for the taking, whenever you're ready."

"There's nothing left for me to take, Jake! Not anymore. Don't you see that? You all stand here, talking about how great I am, what a great warrior I am, but how the fuck does it matter anymore, huh? When I'll have to give it all up to become Tsakarem, to exist here, in the village, for the rest of my life instead of out there, where I actually belong, to exist to interpret Eywa's will, which I will never be able to do, because I will never be able to understand why she would ever think I could ever be this, all of this for the people, how she could think it's fair I have to give up all of me to belong to someone else who hates me, who'll get to shine in my stead, and fight in my stead, and fulfil the destiny I was bound by, that belonged to me just as much as him? I trained my whole life, side by side with Neteyam, to be just as good as him, to be just as good a tsamsiyu as he is, and now it's all in vain. So please, spare me the compliments, since they are just as wasted on me as my talent on the battlefield is."

You were no longer hungry, it seemed, and with one last kiss to Tuk, you got out of the tent, hearing a faint "Well, that could have gone better, with both of them." coming from Jake, accompanied by a deep sigh that mirrored yours. You heard footsteps follow you, but couldn't find it in you to stop, to care, not when more and more, it seemed like the ground was turning into quicksand beneath your feet, pulling you under with each moment you considered all you were giving up to get revenge on a man who you meant nothing to, who probably didn't care regardless, who was going to hurt you in this forced relationship more than you could ever hurt him. Maybe it wasn't worth it. Maybe your peace of mind, and your ability to reach your full potential was more important than the desperate, idiotic need to get Neteyam to suffer for the 7 years of indiscretions that clawed at your heart every day of your life.

"Syä, come on, don't make me chase after you."

You ignored Lo'ak, and continued walking until you hit the tree you both liked to go to think and vent, to talk and complain about anything and everything - his subjects always revolved around his father and his sisters, yours revolved around your lack of parents and the pressure that you felt to be great, the responsibility you shouldered, and you both shared one subject in particular, that occupied most of your time spent here. He climbed after you and you both settled on the branch you usually laid on.

"I'm sorry, syä."

"What about?"

"Everything. This whole thing. You don't deserve this."

You scoffed.

"I deserve what I got. That's why I got it. The Great Mother doesn't choose sides, and she's never cruel or unjust. So I must deserve this."

There was silence weighing heavily on the air around you and in both your minds. Lo'ak didn't have the most developed emotional maturity, so you knew better than to expect more. You appreciated the little he did say, because it did matter - it always will. You and Neteyam might be as far apart as two galaxies on opposing sides of the universe, but you and Lo'ak were adjacent stars in the night sky, there to shine together. You might not have a family, not truly, but he would always be your baby brother, and you would always be his big, bitter, best sister.

"I have to tell you, though... I feel bad for you and all, but it's so good to know I won't have to call that little scared, mindless yarik of a girl sister. She truly is the most dull, vapid, odious person I've ever met, and even with Neteyam's bad track record in girls, this one still shocks me to this day. Imagine her being Tsa'hik, ew."

You laughed a little. She really was bad. Not what you would have ever imagined Neteyam's type to be like, but more and more it seemed Neteyam's type was anyone who had absolutely no resemblance... to you. Like consciously or subconsciously, he just needed to make sure the person he was kissing, or touching, or fucking, had nothing of you that could hinder the experience for him. The thought hurt and tilted to balance back in the favour of your original malevolent, callous, rotten plan.

"Have you told O'ì'en yet? Can't imagine he'll be very pleased. That guy's whipped for you, for real. I've never seen someone literally have those heart eyes that you see in those old cartoons my dad used to show us when we were kids."

You sighed another bottomless sigh as you thought about yet another person who had to suffer as a result of this scheme. Your boyfriend for all intents and purposes, the man you once thought you might spend the rest of your life with. A man who was good and pure, who treated you well, who put you first. You realised with a small chuckle that, much like Neteyam, you, too, subconsciously found the opposite of him and held on for dear life, only to now have to let him go.

"Not yet."

"You should, syä. He deserves to know."

"Yeah. He does."

Lo'ak's words rang in your ears as you were walking through the village in search for the one person you needed to see, and you knew where he would be, where he always was when he had spare time, dutiful as always, responsible as he would always be. You smiled a half-smile as you saw him with a gun in hand, peering through the visor, full focus as he was aiming for one of the targets nailed to a tree 500 metres away.

"You're aiming too low." his eyes snapped to you, and the smile he gave you, so genuine and wide and comforting hurt you, it all hurt your heart that was struggling to maintain itself whole in the face of everything that it had to endure in time, and more so recently.

You joined him, motioning for him to resume what he was doing, and you placed a hand on the underside of the sniper he was holding, inching it upwards.

"You have to adjust for the distance and the gravity pulling the bullet down as it flies towards the target. Like with an arrow."

"An arrow I get. This, I don't think I ever will."

"You will, O'ì'en. I know you will." I just won't be the one to teach you anymore.

"I was hoping you'd come." He dropped the weapon on the ground, finding better luck in counting the stars on your face instead, and with a caress of your lips, you shuddered under his touch, leaning into it, exhaling softly as his own lips found yours in a soft, intimate exchange. "I missed you, and I wanted to tell you something, I needed to tell you what's been on my mind from the moment you first appeared in front of me during my first lesson."

Your heart was pounding in your chest and in your temples, the words that you knew were coming scaring you, their weight, their implication dizzying you, turning you into a breathy, untethered mess as you spoke words with barely enough strength to be heard.

"O'ì'en, I -..."

"Please, let me get this out. I love you, tìyawn. I love you, and everything about you. I love your beauty, and your strength. I love how incredible you are, and how skilled. I love how despite your tough exterior, you have a gentle heart. And you are kind, and good, and I just know you'd be the best mother one day. I just hope it's to our kids. I want you to be mine, to mate before Eywa, to finally have the lo-"

His words and the erratic beating of your heart in your ears, the tears glossing over your eyes, dulled your senses to the man who was approaching you, and you suppressed a hiss at the interruption, at the one who instigated it, at the one who always seemed to conveniently find a way to do so. Neteyam walked until he was so close to you his hips were brushing against your waist, that, much to your unadulterated shock and disbelief, he circles with his arm, holding on to you tightly as he spoke.

"I have been looking everywhere for you, ma muntxate. Father called an emergency meeting and he needs you there immediately. He asked me to go find my love, so typical of him, don't you think?" His smile was sweet and innocent, but you knew better, knew that he just ruined the last pure thing in your life, the one thing you tried to hard to protect, the one thing you were just reconsidering this whole ordeal for, once more. O'ì'en...

"What did you say?"

"Oh, ma ‘eylan, haven't you heard? Her and I are to be mated soon. Isn't that just great?"

The sound of both your and O'ì'en's hearts shattering all around you and the swift melody of Neteyam winning yet another battle is the last thing you heard before the man you cared for turned around and left, taking the future and the hopes he held safely within his soul, leaving you with more guilt and shame than you would ever know what to do with.

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[mrsmaybankhere]

TRAITOR - RAFE CAMERON

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS FROM S2

my first rafe fic, hope you enjoy it xx

WORDS:3060

You spent at least two hours tryna send that text. Just two words that will get the chaos started. That's why you couldn't. But you know damn well that you had to. You know you'll hate yourself so fucking much for doing it; your heart keeps telling you that this is a big mistake, but your brain knows better. 

It was too late when you realized that your boyfriend needed help. And not your help and the "I can change him by loving him" attitude. No. He needed real help. And you put the blame on yourself for being so oblivious. Maybe if you weren't so blind and drunk with him and his love you would have noticed that Rafe has some problems. But you didn't and now it's too late for the soft version of the situation. You only have one option and this became your nightmare.

You bit on your lower lip until you felt blood in your mouth and you closed your eyes for a few seconds.

"Every single thing has to kill to live, [Y/N]" You two are laying on a soft blanket on the grass, the sun softly warming your naked bodies. You can swear that this sex in public and in nature makes you even wetter.

"What are you saying, Rafe?" You laugh, too damn stupid to realize that something was wrong. You were up on your elbows and Rafe was laying on his back while smiling and looking around, listening to the birds chirping and not to you.

"Killing is nature."

You frowned, but you kept your mouth shut.

Oh, how fucking much you regret this right now.

Fuck it. 

“whats up?”

While you waited for him to text you back, you got ready and took a look in the mirror. You hate what you see. You look drained and sad, far from the girl that looked happy last night when you spent one last beautiful night with Rafe. He fucked your brains out and you loved it so much. The rage, the passion, the love. He was so into the moment that he didn't realized that you silently cried, already knowing that it was the end. The thoughts were and still are killing you.

babyy🌎: driving.

babyy🌎: picking you up in 5.

Those 5 minutes were gone too quickly. So when you walked out of your house, Rafe was already outside waiting for you. He was looking extremely hot with that messy hair, a grey shirt, the ring and that smirk at the sight of you. 

Oh boy, how much he'll hate you very soon.

"Hello, beautiful." You smiled as you got into the car and pulled him in for a kiss; you hoped Rafe didn't noticed that your kiss was too deep, too needy. 

 "Mm, I love it when I can feel how much you missed me." He wasn't wrong, you really did miss him.

"Do you have any plans for today?" You asked him while he started the car and placed his big hand on your thigh. 

"Not really." He used that hand to wipe around his mouth and you almost gasped for air. That was very fucking hot. So hot that you felt a pulse between your legs and you pressed your thighs together, already thinking at a quickie. But that would be so wrong. 

"Why are you looking at me like that, hm?" You probably were staring; his look was amused and you quickly looked out of the window. He was driving to the docks in the Cut and you gulped down all the blame and hate you feel for your own person.

"Like what?" You faked a high-pitched laugh, your anxiety growing into your chest.

"Like I'm your everything." Something you told him when he told you "i love you" for the first time; that's how the whole conversation started and he's now using it towards you. 

"You are, Rafe. You are my everything and I'd do everything to make sure you good." You licked your dry lips and you made eye contact for a second before his eyes turned to the road. "You know that right?" 

"I should be the one telling you that." The side-eye look he gave you made you understand very quickly. He killed Sheriff Peterkin and didn't turned himself in because that would mean he has to leave you alone, unsafe and with his enemies breathing down your back. Rafe was known for being a bad guy and on the island were people that would be very happy to take revenge on his girl for something he did years or months ago. 

"Answer me." You tried your hard to keep your voice low, the desperation you started to feel because you almost reached the docks sent shivers down your whole body, making you freeze in your seat. You have a tracking device on your phone; Shoupe and the FBI are seeing your location live and there's not going back from this point. 

"Yeah I know. What's up with you, [Y/N]? You look stressed." He stopped the car engine and his beautiful blue eyes are narrowed a bit, a frown between his eyebrows. He's suspicious.

"You told me that I have to lie in court for you, Rafe. That's a crime." You took in a sharp breath and finally made eye contact with him, but quickly regret it. He looks sad. And then he looks mad. And before you know, he buried his hands in his hair and his face became red out of anger. He ran out of the car and you followed him outside.

"Rafe, I-..."

"You what, huh? You just fucking told me you'd do everything for me. For us. For our good. You don't want that?" As he was talking you made a step closer to him and he took one back.

"I do. That's why I'm doing it." You didn't mention what your doing for his own good, so it wasn't a lie.

"You are?" His eyes are now full of hope and you managed to get closer to him; a little smile grow on your lips as you shoved his hair back away from his face. 

"Yeah." His emotions changed drastically by seconds. He was calm and collected, he got angry and then calm again in just five minutes. How could you think this was only about his temper? 

"Why are we here?" You asked him while he slowly grabbed your hand in his and you both walked on the dock. The Cameron's boats and yacht aren't here, they are obviously in Figure Eight, so why are you two here? In front of you was a tiny wooden boat and two backpacks and Rafe quickly jumped onto it.

"Maybe you won't have to lie in court for me, baby." He turned to you and raised his hand for you to grab it, but you hesitate. 

"What's this, Rafe?" You look around, panic taking control all over you knowing that this place will be soon crowded by police.

"We can ran away together, [Y/N]. Right now. Anywhere you want." His smile was pure and honest as he helped you to get onto the boat and slowly kissed your forehead. "Name a place."

"Charleston?" You answered confused, still not sure that this is happening for real and you really have to make this choice.

"Charleston, yeah, sure. We can go there, princess." He cupped your face and lifted your head up so you can look into his eyes. "Are you doing this with me or not?"

You just freeze in your spot with your eyes wide and your eyebrows raised, not knowing what to do or what to say. You just look at him and took in every little detail on his face: every freckle, the way the sun lights up his iced eyes, his teeth, the way you feel and are just perfect in his arms. You look right into his eyes and remember every little moment. The way he protected you way before you even were his girlfriend, your nights spent together in sweaty sheets, the smiles, the "i love you"s, every date and parties and every thing you tried with him for the first time like anal sex or lobster. Rafe wasn't a bad person, you saw that in they way he plays with your cat or in the love he has for his sisters and Ward. He loves them with everything he has. And he loves you even more. He used to say that he'd kill for you and every damn time you'd just smile, not knowing that he was so true about it. He meant it every single damn time. And if you really do betray him, what are you gonna do without him? You have no friends beside Sarah that turned her back on you, you have no family but a alcoholic mother. You have nothing but Rafe.

"Yes. Of course I am." A tear rolled down on your cheek and he quickly wiped it away and kissed your closed eye lids before deeply kissing you. 

"Shh, don't cry. OBX was hell to us. Let's raise paradise together." You swallow with difficulty, feeling like you have spikes around your neck and a knot tied in your stomach. You heart almost dropped to the ground and you tensed your whole body when you heard someone passing by with a boat, jumping all over Rafe but he easily caught you. He hold you close to him, his chin resting on your head until your breath calmed down. You're so stressed that you're surprised it did, but he always calms down your anxiety. 

"I have an idea" You said as you sat down together and Rafe started the boat's engine. "We should throw our phones away." 

You both did it and left the dock without looking twice. You are too scared to do it. You know they already tracked your phone, they know you came here and they'll probably came after you very soon. Rafe gave you some men clothes and you changed into them, hiding your hair with a cap just like he did.

"You're the most beautiful girl I've ever saw. I'm so lucky." His smile warmed your whole terrified heart and you smiled back, finally without having to fake it, but you didn't know what was coming and you didn't had the time to answer to his beautiful words. 

You heard them way before you saw them. 

You heard the siren and your heart stopped in your chest. You and Rafe turned around and saw two boats from police and FBI coming after you and already being very close to your old boat. 

"What the fuck?!" Rafe screamed, unable to understand how they found him that quickly. And then for just a split of a second his eyes laid on you. You started crying and your whole face is now very pale as you screamed at him something he didn't even heard anymore. Everything is now moving in slow motion for him, the sounds and your screams became almost inaudible as his mind was concepting a plan. He pushed the boat's engine even more, not ready to let his guard down. Not yet, not before trying every fucking shit to save his ass. 

"Rafe! Faster, fuck!" 

And then you heard Shoupe talking on his megaphone. "Rafe Cameron, stay where you are. Let the girl go and put your hands where we can see them!"

Rafe heard every single word and his desperate look stopped on you; you can read the shook on his face. "You...You did this to me? Are you working with them, [Y/N]?!"

"Rafe. No, please. Go on. They’ll catch us." The desperation that started to grow in your soul and mind is the same one with Rafe; both of you unable to understand each other because of the emotions. The tears are coming out of your eyes in waves and you gasped for air when you realized the weight that lands on your chest blocks the way to your lungs.

"You fucking betrayed me, [Y/N]!" Shoupe was still talking to you through the magaphone, but your eyes and ears couldn't leave Rafe. 

"I'm so sorry, Rafe. Please, I wanted to do it for your own good, but-...But-" 

He didn't even looked to where he drove the boat in and you almost hit a tree when you reached the swamp, a scream left your throat and you caught him by his arm but he quickly pushed you away and started screaming right into your face.

"How could you? You fucking traitor." He was crying while he grabbed a backpack and got out a gun. Because he wasn't looking anymore, the boat crashed into a fallen tree. You screamed at the percussion of the crush and you almost fell into the water, but Rafe covered you up with his body and whispered into your ear. "Do what I fucking say if you really love me."

"Rafe, do not move! We'll shoot!" You heard Shoupe voice again and when they reached your boat, Rafe caught you by your throat and lifted you up. The cold gun was now pressed to your temple and you froze in, still crying. You trusted Rafe, you really did but you betrayed him. What if...? He would never do that. Right?

"Put your guns down or I'll blow her fucking brains out." He screamed. Rafe in the rage mood was a beast that didn't cared about anything beside his own purpose and you feel this now right on your skin as he tightened up his hold around your neck and pressed the gun even harder on your head.

"Let her go, Rafe! Don't shoot. Put your guns down, it's an order!" Shoupe said again and Rafe pulled the trigger as a threat, knowing the gun was empty. You didn't even realized what happened until you heard the shot that was coming from a cop that didn't listened to Shoupe orders and you've saw Rafe falling out of the boat. That moment your whole heart sank and you screamed, feeling an indescribable pain that kneeled you down. 

"No! What the fuck did you do? Rafe!" You're yelling is full of pain while you see him crawling into the water, the blood scaring the shit out of you. You jump out of the boat when you see him ran further into the swamp, his palm pressing on the wound that was on his leg. 

"[Y/N]! [Y/N] come back!" You heard Shoupe yelling to you as they also came after you into the swamp, the water already making it hard enough to run as you try to caught up with Rafe. You took a look back and tried to run faster when you saw Shoupe and other cops looking after you between the trees and when you looked around again, you lost Rafe out of your sight. "Rafe!" You whispered a few times hoping he'll be the only one hearing it and not anyone else. You looked around yourself, you heard some stories about gators being around here that are now scaring you to death. The water reached your hips already and you can't even run anymore, you just try to move in silence while whisper-screaming for Rafe.

A palm pressed on your mouth and brought you down after a fallen tree, the water reaching your neck by now but when you looked into Rafe's eyes, you weren't scared anymore. You are scared for him, but not by him.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so fucking sorry. I just want what's the best for you. I wasn't thinking straight..I-I-" You began ranting out while not being able to catch your breath, but Rafe stopped you by roughly kissing you. His hand grabbed you by your hair and brought you to his lips, hard kissing you and breathing on your lips. When he retires from the kiss, he pressed your foreheads together and by the look in his eyes, you just knew that this was your goodbye. 

"No, Rafe. Please. Don't leave me." You grabbed him by his arms and took a quick look at his wound. "You're hurt."

"Shh.." He cupped your face and gently wiped your eyes, but his palms were stained with his own blood. "I'm not mad at you. I love you, [Y/N]. I love you. I'd kill for you. Anytime, anyone."

"I love you. I love so fucking much." You whispered and kissed him again, one more time. He didn't even answered the kiss, but you tasted each other tears. You both heard them and knew they are coming, they were close.

"Listen to me. I forgive you. I won't tell you to wait for me, but-..."

"I will. I will wait for you. I promise, baby. I don't want anyone else." You spoke so soon without even thinking twice; you were so sure on yourself that you made him believe you right away. You made a mistake, but even Rafe knew how deeply and truly you loved him. 

He kissed you one more time, but you didn't even had the time you feel the kiss because you were pulled away from him. A cop you didn't know hold you at his chest, his arms holding you tight by your waist as you jerked yourself trying to escape. Rafe lost his mind at the sight of you being hold like that by another man and he shoot in the air a few times as an warning. You got hold by two cops and you elbowed one of them; the other one shook your body and yelled into your face.

"He's a criminal! What do you think you're doing?!"

"Shut the fuck up! [Y/N]!' He screamed and ran into the water after you, no even realizing that he got himself out of his "safe zone" that was the tree. 

"Put the gun down, Rafe!" So he looked around, every gun pointed at him; his beautiful eyes stops on you and he smiled at you before slowly throwing the gun away and lift his arms up.

"Please, don't shoot him! Shoupe!" At this point you were begging, begging for his life that you cared about more than your own. His gaze didn't left you for a second while he got handcuffed and both of you were pulled away into the police boats. 

You watched him as his boat drove away and you read an "I love you" on his lips. You felt the tears running down your cheeks, but you smiled despite of everything and screamed your lungs out that you love him, too.

But in the end, you're still a traitor.

[lovetorn]

I’m in a silly goofy mood and listening to chandelier by Will Paquin and I’m a addicted to it. Also please someone stop me from writing late at night because I’ll never proofread. This isn’t even that good also -🍀

How did he end up here? Sitting on the roof with you late at night with nothing but the empty air and music playing from your phone. He was shaking but he didn’t know if it was because of the weather or that your sitting right beside him. Now all that matter was dream wouldn’t take his eyes off you. His palm sweating as he clears his throat and moves closer calling out your name, but when you turned your head he did the unthinkable.

Catch my breath and hold it for me

I'm wasting my time, tryna make up my mind

Dream kissed you. His skin felt like fire and his hands cradling your cheeks softly as if he was gonna crack you if he held to hard. Your lips felt so freeing yet so captivating he didn’t want to move back for air.

Oh, I'm sitting here as the chandelier is whispering in my ear

Saying, "Can I get a cigarette?"

I know you'll never be mine

Everything that led up to this moment came rushing through his head. From all the football games he played, searching the crowd for you. To the nights you both stayed up just to watch the latest episode of some random tv show. Dream couldn’t believe it. He swore you would never love him back… That he was just a friend to you.

Can you come around tonight

And sing me a lullaby?

Just take my heart and break it

Can you come around tonight?

I might be the enemy

But nothing quite hits like you

Dream remembers the first time he met you in the pale yellow apartment that you two now sat on kissing. He remembers the way you said you liked his laugh, how you rolled your eyes at his jokes. Every tiny argument or every feeling of anger that he held when Wilbur came by. He remembered it all as he tumbled deeper into the hole he made himself when he fell for you.

Come on, take this pen and write for me

Oh, write me a song and I'll try to forget it

Oh, I'm standing there as the man upstairs

Comes crashing through the ceiling

Saying, "Where's my fucking cigarette?"

With fire in his eyes

In these few seconds everyone he knew was forgotten. Everyone he ever thought he would lose you to, and everyone who was rooting for him to admit that he loved you was no longer real. His heart beat was the only thing he could feel besides your lips.

Can you come around tonight

And sing me a lullaby?

Just take my heart and break it

Can you come around tonight?

I might be the enemy

But nothing quite hits like you

But unlike how the kiss started it was you that finally moved back for air, as he chased you to make the kiss last just a little longer everything changed. The cold weather was gone and the sound of music was getting muffled. Opening his eyes all dream saw was black…

And as on my patience, starts to dry

And my feeling skids across the sand

They'll know that you've won

And I run back to where I came from

And he awoke letting out a deep gasp and holding his hair tightly as it hit him it was just a dream. Hitting the empty bed beside him, Dream rolled out of bed to get ready for the day.

OFBWJFJWODHQOSHIWSB BRO we love when 🍀 is in a silly goofy mood !!

😰 r!dream just loves likes you so much it’s painful and he breaks his own heart everyday because of it 😭 reader, if you could tell him how you feel that would be very ideal! thanks! xoxo

[u are so good at this, 🍀, never doubt yourself ok! bc if u do i will personally slap u with a fish thanks xo & don’t worry about proofreading etc that’s totally fine!!]

[justsomevoltronstuff]

FINALLY SOMEONE WITH OPEN REQUESTS THANK YOU 🥰🤗 This will suddenly take a dArK tUrN- can you do a Paladins (and Allura) x dying reader? Haha idk but I'm in it for the angst and crying 👌👏 You seem like a wonderful person so keep on being wonderful (*˘︶˘*).｡*♡

my cousin gave me the BIGGEST judgemental side eye when she asked what I was writing about and I told her character deaths, I’m tryna not to fite, y’all I ain’t gonna lie imma throw hands frfr

also, so sorry this took so long, I’m pretty sure I rewrote it like five times tryna get it to my damn satisfaction (which is such a nasty habit, don’t reread you’re own shit if you want an honest opinion on it y’all)

also also, I’m on mobile rn so I can’t cut it so just so all y’all know:

DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO DEATH/GRIEVING. THIS IS LITERALLY ALL ABOUT DEATH AND GRIEF AND IT IS MAJOR SAD BOI HOURS AND I WORRY ABOUT YALL AND DONT WANT YOU READING THIS IF YOU KNOW YOU WONT HANDLE IT WELL😤😤😤

this is a long one bois so if you wanna skip around they’ll all be colored as per usual and the order is: Shiro, Lance, Hunk, Keith, Pidge, Allura

please enjoy lovers🥺💜🌸

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The battle wasn’t an easy one by any means, it was touch and go for the whole team. You knew it wasn’t gonna end well, but that had never stopped you from putting forth your all. You swung your weapon, keeping your enemies at bay as much as you possibly could. Your team was all over the place, the enemy having succeeded in separating everyone in hopes of tipping the odds in their favor. It worked.

You couldn’t keep up alone. Fighting had always been instinct to you, you had never felt so overwhelmed as you had in that moment. They were closing in and you had nowhere left to go and no tricks left up your sleeve. You were stuck, and there weren't any quick enough plans to keep you out of harm's way this time.

You held your ground for as long as you could, refusing to give in easily. You fought until your limbs were too exhausted to move and your breathing was too shallow to continue. It was in a moment of hesitation from sluggish movements that they finally overtook you, and you felt pain spread through you, worse than any you had ever felt before.

You heard shouts of panic, you listened as the battle got thicker and the enemy retreated, you smiled at the sound of victory. Your team shouted in excitement, another battle well fought, another win for Voltron.

Attempting to sit up, you felt pain rush your body once again, causing you to groan. Your team's cheers quickly died down as they took in your situation. Before you knew it, your head was being cradled by the person you wanted to see the most at this moment. Their eyes were filled with concern and tears were brimming. You attempted a soft smile, in hopes of comforting them. Your breathing was shaky as the brushed your hair away from your eyes.

“You’re going to be okay.” They promised.

Your last thoughts were of your family, earth, the realization you’ll never feel rain on your face again, of your team, who you hated abandoning, and finally, of the one person you hated leaving the most. You knew you weren’t making it out of this one, you despised you were going to pass in their arms. You wished you could turn back time and fight a little harder, you wished things could be different, that you could live the life the two of you dreamed together.

“Don’t blame yourself.” You whispered in response.

They shook their head in defiance. “Don’t talk like that. We’re gonna get you to the castle and into a med pod and you’re going to be good as new in no time.”

You shakily lifted a hand and brushed a tear from their cheek. “I love you.”

Their face was filled with pain and you knew the only thing keeping them from losing it was this being your final moments. “I love you.” They responded, their voice cracking. They leaned down and gently pressed their lips to yours.

You felt everything around you becoming further and further away.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered out to your team as you took a final shaky breath, your senses being overwhelmed as you felt yourself fading.

Shiro

The tears kept flowing as he watched the light fade from your usually bright, curious eyes. He pulled you into him as he sobbed into your shoulder, wishing you’d wrap your arms around him and tell him everything was okay, that there was no reason to cry. But you didn’t, and you never would again. Your team surrounded the two of you, tears running down their cheeks as well as they watched their leader completely break in front of them, their friend tucked in his arms unmoving.

He tried to move on. He knew you wouldn’t want him blaming himself or wallowing in misery on your behalf. He mourned you, he still does, but he needs to keep leading the team, he doesn't have time to let the memories of you being by his side drag him into complete uselessness.

It was hard, it took a long time, but eventually he could remember you, his lover, his everything, without crumpling immediately.

When the team got back to earth, it was raining. He stood outside, face tilted to the sky, just letting the water drench him. The rain reminded him of you, you always told him it was what you missed most about earth.

It was as he stood outside, head facing the endless clouds, lighting striking in the far off distance, enduring the first rainstorm he’d felt since before the Kerberos Mission, that he smiled for the first time since the morning before your final battle.

Lance

Once you had taken your final breath and your gentle hand slipped off his, all composure he had left was out the window. He screamed and sobbed in the middle of that battlefield. His team knew he had a tendency to keep his emotions at bay, so watching him break over your body, knowing there was nothing they could do to help him, was heartbreaking. They all shared his grief, but none on a level even close to him.

You had been his rock, you helped him keep sane and reminded him he wasn’t a horrible person. He sobbed harder as he remembered how excited you were to meet his family once all of you went back to earth.

After a while he just, stopped. He had run out of tears, he had his moment of grief, he had to stand tall and move on now. Or at least that’s what everyone saw. Every single day of his life, he blamed himself. If only he hadn’t let himself get separated from you, if only he’d gotten to you a little sooner, if only, if only, if only. In the end, he knew there was no changing the outcome, but that didn’t stop him from imagining worlds in which you were still by his side.

He never thought he’d dread finally going home, but as the team landed, and a woman that looked eerily familiar came rushing from the building towards them, he felt himself snap. HE crashed to his knees as the woman came up to the group, looking around at each of them.

“Where are they?” she demanded. “Where is my child?” She had tears in her eyes as she noticed Lance on his knees, holding back tears and hugging himself.

“I’m so sorry ma’am,” Shiro started but she just shoved him away.

“You let them die?! My child died in outer space, surrounded by a bunch of strangers, and you didn’t even try to save them?!” She had tears rushing down her cheeks. “Who do you even think you are? Do you think you deserve to ball up because of them? You don’t even know them! No, nevermind, yes, you do deserve to be down there, not out of pity, but out of remorse. This is all your fault, all of you! My child never should’ve come to this stupid place.”

He flinched as he took in the woman's words.

“That is enough ma’am. Your child died honorably, saving people, and they were our family. We aren’t just some strangers, we’re the people your child died for. So, in all due respect, I suggest you back away from your child's mourning lover and stop slandering the life they died protecting.”

Everyone shut up in shock as Keith put your mother in her place, causing her to take a deep shaky breath, tears slipping from her eyes at last as she took in his words.

Hunk

Your hand slipped out of his as your eyes fluttered shut for the final time. He didn’t rage, he didn’t scream or burst, he just silently held you a little longer, his tears running down his cheeks until they ran dry. He didn’t have the energy to leave you yet, he never thought you’d be the one to go first.

The team didn’t know what to do, Hunk had always been the emotional one of the team, never being shy with showing his feelings. He wore his heart on his sleeve without regret, but now, he just looked emotionless.

He tried to distract himself. He threw himself into engineering projects and every mission the team ran he put everything he had into completing. He stopped cooking all together, every time he even so much as looked at the kitchen door, his heart would break slightly more. Memories of the two of you spending hours in that room, cooking with space goo and assorted ingredients you found. It hurt too much to attempt doing something you were both passionate about without you.

He was silent as they finally made it back to earth, his family welcomed him home, having adr him his favorite dessert and everything, but he just didn’t have the heart to enjoy it. The two of you had spent countless hours sharing stories and memories and things you wanted to eat when you finally made it back, and that banana cake had been the one thing you couldn’t wait to try.

He cried himself to sleep that night, wishing he could change the past. It was difficult for him to find something to fight for, a future without you having been something he hadn’t considered since the two of you met at the Garrison all that time ago. He came to the conclusion that his heart would never recover, but that wouldn’t stop him from fighting for the future you so easily described to him, a future where aliens and humans could live in peace, where the Galra weren’t an enemy, where the two of you could live out blissful lives together, having done your time in a war that wasn’t supposed to be yours.

Keith

His breath got shallow as yours ceased, his heart racing as your own stopped all together.

“This can’t be happening. Y/n please! Please open your eyes. Please,” his broken sobs echoed as the Paladins watched him plead with your lifeless body.

They didn’t know what to do. The normally stoic red paladin was shattering before their own eyes, more emotions flooding him than they expected to be possible. It was heartbreaking to say the least.

They had all lost one of their own that day, but none felt it more than the broken boy.

You were his family. You stuck by him on earth when no one else would, you left the Garrison with him just so he wouldn’t be alone, where there was him, there was you, and now you were gone, and he didn’t know how to cope without you.

He changed. He was already pretty closed off from the rest of the team, he never really smiled a lot, he wasn’t an extremely emotional person, but after his outburst that day, he completely shut off everything. Jokes that Lance would tell that would once make him smirk fell on deaf ears, even Hunks cooking and Shiros dadly advice didn’t pull him out of it.

The team learned to just work around his new behavior, wishing he’d go back to being a hothead or something. Anything.

He pushed his hardest on every mission, fighting as though he had absolutely nothing left to lose, because, in his mind, he didn’t. He felt alone in a universe out to get him, he knew he had friends, a team, even family now, but he didn’t have you, and nothing would be the same because of that. He would never be the same reckless, hotheaded, careless red paladin he once was, because he did all of that stuff knowing you’d either back him up or smack him upside the head.

Everyone told him time would ease the pain, but as he brought flowers to the memorial grave they created for you, on the anniversary of that day, he knew that no amount of time given to him would ease the pain he still felt. Because he was too painfully aware that all of that time given to him was time taken from you.

Pidge

Pidge was never exactly one to attach to people, not really, and definitely not so emotionally. Attachment to robots? Sure. But human beings were a whole lot more difficult. Which is why when the two of you admitted to being in a relationship, no one saw it coming or knew what to expect, it was completely uncharted territory.

And now, as Pidge was hovering over your body, swearing to find a way to help you, they once again didn’t know what to do.

Pidge sobbed and made halfhearted promises, telling you that you were going to be okay, but knowing you weren’t, and you never would again. It took the entire team to pry Pidge off your dead body, Pidge immediately begging them to let go, just needing to be near you.

After the shock of it all wore off, Pidge holed up in the garage/workspace, working on this project and that, trying desperately to keep distracted, but nothing worked. Every single thing held a memory, every memory brought you back to life, and every memory would ease and you would just vanish all over again.

Countless nights were spent wrapped up in your clothes, with your blanket, in your/on your side of the bed, weeping into the familiar smell of you. Pidge didn’t express emotions very well, but it was obvious this time. The distracted mindset, the distant gazes, the quiet sobs no one else was supposed to hear, all of it made it glaringly obvious that Pidge was not okay.

Pidge took to wearing your clothing more often than not, determined to keep any and every part of you alive so the memories of you would never fade.

Pidge was never one to attach to people, but Pidge also never imagined a life where you weren’t in it.

Allura

She watched you drop from the other side of the battlefield, a heartbreaking shriek escaping her throat as she watched you fall. In her mind you were supposed to be invincible, you were her wonderful significant other that gave her a reason to keep going, you were always telling her that everything was gonna turn out the way it’s supposed to, that the two of you were gonna make it through anything that could possibly be thrown your way.

She ruthlessly fought her way to you, no longer caring for leaving as little harm as possible. They hurt you, they didn’t deserve her sympathy. Once she finally got to you, the battle had ended and the other Paladins had joined her in surrounding you.

“Help me get them to the pods.” Allura pleaded, clutching your lifeless body. “They have to be okay. They can be healed, we just need to get them to the pods.” She was frantic, emotional, scared, and panicking.

Keith gently grabbed her shoulder. “They’re gone, Allura. They’re already gone.” The Red Paladin pulled her into his arms and let her release everything that day.

Everything following was a blur. The team moved forward with plans and missions, Allura never missing a beat. There were points when the team was concerned with how well she seemed to be doing, she lost her lover and was seemingly perfectly okay. But late at night, if they listened close enough, they could here the stifled, choked sobs of the princess as she got out all the pent up emotions in preparation for the next exhausting day of not letting her personal life interfere with the mission.

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I might be the only one that got emotional™️ during this one, but I hope you all enjoyed🌸

~Admin Rori💜

[mycatshuman]

I Against Me

Past Platonic Anxciet

Warnings: angst, just a whole lot of angst.

Didn't proof read so here you go.

"Tell me why you're holding me back

Tryna push me off the right track

And I'm wishing so bad you would leave me alone

Why you're blurring out my vision

So I'd go make the wrong decision

But I know that you'll never be gone"

---------

Virgil and Janus used to be good friends. Really good friends. The kind of friends who would do anything for each other. But their friendship grew to be unhealthy. Toxic even. And when Janus "Self-Care" Sanders asked Virgil if he could find any reason why they should continue to be friends, Virgil realized, then more than ever, that he had to let go. He loved Janus. He was one of the best friends he had ever had. And in the words of Brendon Urie: "If you love me let me go-" Virgil let Janus go. 

That didn't make it hurt any less. 

---------

"I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends

Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends

But now I started seeing clearer

I saw your face up in the mirror

Yes I'm the one to blame"

--------

Virgil shattered. 

He knew it was his fault. Who else could have caused this. Janus was big on self-care. If he had issues, he went to see a therapist, but Virgil,  oh Virgil, he wouldn't. Dare he say he couldn't? Therapy cost money, money that he couldn't really spare. 

But he could have done better. He could have listened to Janus when he told him to get help. But he didn't. Why exactly, he didn't know. Stubborn? Lazy? Most likely. But he did try to keep his problems from Janus. Keep them tight to his chest. He couldn't burden others with his issues. He should have known better. 

--------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me

I against me

I against me

(I, Me... I)"

---------------

Virgil isolated himself. He thought it would help. He really did. It only succeeded in making himself feel lonely. So lonely that he didn't feel like he could ever reach out. He didn't feel like he could bring up events in his life. From time to time he did, on things he didn't feel alone in dealing with, but when he felt truly and utterly alone, he didn't reach out. He couldn't reach out. That eventually led to possibly one of the biggest mistakes in his life. 

---------------

"I'm hurting everyone around me

And I'm regretting it profoundly

But I finally see that the reason is you

Another day another struggle

Because I'm always causing trouble

And I hate what you're making me do"

----------

Janus did not see their relationship as healthy. Virgil couldn't think of any reason for them to be friends other than he wanted to and he felt less lonely when talking to Janus. Even when he isolated himself, talking to Janus sometimes made him forget. But Virgil knew he was just being selfish. He was stifling Janus. Janus deserved a much better friend than Virgil could ever be. 

And when Janus got cold feet, Virgil took over and let go. Better he deal with all the guilt than his friend. Ex-friend. 

Self-loathing wasn't far behind. 

----------

"I'm blaming you that I've been cruel and mean to all my friends

Cuz I've become so rude and now another friendship ends

But now I started seeing clearer

I saw your face up in the mirror

Yes I'm the one to blame"

-----------

Virgil had cried himself to sleep the night before, "to sleep on his thoughts" Janus had suggested, he ended up with a stuffy nose before finally falling asleep. He didn't think he would be able to cry anymore after it actually ended but he supposed things do always go the way you think they do. He didn't think he would be the one to actually leave. It was just one more thing for Vitgil to blame himself for. Maybe it wasn't exactly a healthy thing to do but, Virgil needed to realize the truth. This was his fault, no one else's. He was the one to make the friendship toxic. No one else but him. He was told to get help and he didn't.  His dad and stepmother were right, he didn't know how to change. 

-----------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me"

--------------

Virgil had dealt with friendships end before. He really couldn't think of anyone he knew who had ever stayed his friend throughout his whole life. There were people who went and came back and then went again. There were people who were friends but more out of obligation like they were family or they had no else at the time and needed someone. Virgil had had a few friends throughout his lifetime but never really any best friends. At least not ones where it didn't seem one sided. He should have realized the ending of his friendship with Janus was going to hurt a whole lot more than the ones before. 

--------------

"Me against I

A torturous battle

A one-sided fight

I'm willing to lose if it means

That I win in the end

Now the war is on

As we both collide

I just hope I will survive"

-----------

Virgil sat in his room. He couldn't go to his mom or aunt. He couldn't let them know what happened. He could deal with this on his own. There wasn't a rule that dealing with something on one's own required them to actually be able to handle the crushing weight of emotions pushing him down into the ground. 

Movies sometimes depicted people talking to their siblings if they couldn't or didn't want to go to an adult when they were hurting. But his brother wouldn't understand and he couldn't trust him not to tell anyone. And his sister...well, he hadn't heard from her in a while. He wasn't sure why, if it was because she thought he had been in on it when their brother set up a group video call and added their mother or if it was because of the letter. 

He had said things about their mom in the letter, hoping to get the 4 year silence between them to end, but maybe it was what he had confessed at the end of the letter that had stopped their communication. Maybe it wasn't the right idea to come out as Bi in a letter but how else was he supposed to be certain only his sister would hear? 

Yes, Virgil was trying to distract himself from the events of earlier that morning by thinking of other things that upset him. Not healthy but it kept him from crying for the most part so he counted it as a win. Except nothing could ever seem like a win on that day. More like a consolation prize. Like, "Hey you woke up today! You get to breathe!" But eventually, he would have to let reality run him over. 

-----------

"That's why I bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all

Wish that I could cut all the ties

And now my life is such a tragedy

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy

I can't look myself in the eyes

It's I against me"

---------------

Virgil often wondered what was wrong with him. Why some things didn't seem to make him react the ways others did. He really wished someone would just tell him everything that was wrong with him and why so he could fix it all. Most of the time when he tried to fix things he had messed up with before, he only ended up making things worse. It happened when he lived with his dad and now he was living with his mom. 

He wanted to change. Really, he did. At least he thought so. But people were telling him he wasn't changing. And of course they had to be right. He really wasn't changing. He was just fooling himself into believing he was. And he had fooled other people into believing he was. His mom was right, he really was manipulative.  

---------------

"Bang my head against the wall

Cuz I don't like myself at all (Ohh)

Wish that I could cut all the ties (Ohh)

And now my life is such a tragedy (It's I Against Me)

Cuz I'm my biggest enemy (Ohh)

I can't look myself in the eyes (Ohh)

It's I against me"

------------------

Maybe, Virgil thought. Maybe I'm not supposed to have friends. I don't deserve them and they deserve better than me. Tears spilled fast and heavy from Virgil's eyes. Maybe I was just meant to be alone. 

------------------

"I against me

I against me"

---------------

Everything taglist: @spxced-oxt @superwholocked-for-life @mirror2thespirit @aroundofapplesauce @lyditist @@little-euro-girl @unicornofdarknessstuff @maryann-draws @odette-ssbu

[youguysswift]

Taylor Swift Saddest Lyrics:

Which Taylor's Lyrics made you Cry ?

• "you call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest" — All Too Well

• "but your jealousy, I can hear it now

you’re talking down to me like I’ll always be around" - Better Man

• "I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye" — I Almost Do

• "you said "‘I'm sorry, I didn't make it.' And I said, ‘I'm sorry too.'" — The Moment I Knew

• "You put up the walls and paint them all a shade of gray and I stood there loving you, and wished them all away" - Cold As You

• "I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well" - White Horse

• "why, do you have to make me feel small so you can feel whole inside" - Tell me Why

• "but you held your pride like you should have hold me" - The Story of Us

• "so I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep and I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe" - Last Kiss

• "dont you think nineteen is too young to be played by your dark twisted games, when i loved you so?" - Dear John

• "time, its taking its sweet time erasing you" - Sad beautiful Tragic

• "i watched you leave, your smile, my ghost, i fell to my knees" - This Love

• "ten months sober i must admit, just beacuse you're clean dont mean you dont miss it" - Clean

• "in my mind i play it back, spinning faster than the plane that took you" - Come back, Be Here

• "who am i supossed to talk to? what am i supossed to do, if there's no you?" -Soon You'll get Better

• "i lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday" - Dear John

• "he didnt like it when i wore high heels, but i do" - Begin Again

• "cause now my name is up in lights, but i think you got it right, let me tell you now you're the lucky one" - The Lucky One

• "Please dont, ever become a stranger, whose laugh i could recognize everywhere" - New Year's Day

• "What do you do when the one who means the most, is the one who didnt show?" - The Moment I Knew

• "In your life, you'll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team. I didnt know it at fifteen" - Fifteen

• "You can plan for a change in weather and time, but i never planned on ypu changing your mind" - Last Kiss

• "You wear your best apology but i was there to watch you leave and all the times i let you in, just for you to go again" - The Last Time

• "all the king's horses, all the king's men, couldnt put me together again, cause all of my enemies started out friends" - The Archer

• "Words, how little they mean

when you're a little too late”- Sad Beautiful Tragic

• "Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold, and you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know"- You're Not Sorry

• "will you take a moment, promise me this, that you'll stand by me forever, but if god forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye, if you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name"- Long Live

• "new apartment, in a big city they just dropped me off. It's so much colder than I thought it would be so I tucked myself in and turned my nightlight on. I wish I'd never grown up" -Never Grow Up

• "Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind. We both cried, cause when you're 15 and somebody tells you they love you you're gonna believe them" -Fifteen

• "my time, my wine, my spirit, my trust, tryna find a part of me you didn't take up, gave you so much, but it wasn't enough. But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts" - Death by a thousand cuts

• "I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does

Is break and burn and end" - Begin Again

• "You gave me roses and I left them there to die" - Back to December

• "fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer" - Red

• "we are alone with our changing minds we fall in love 'til it hurts or bleeds, or fades in time" -State of Grace

• "for the first time I had something to lose, and I guess we fell apart in the usual way and the story's got dust on every page" - Holy Ground

• "Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?" - Innocent

• "baby, I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me" - New Romantics

• "you never know what people have up their sleeves, ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me, lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles" - Ours

• "all that i know is that i don’t know how to be something you miss, never thought we'd have a last kiss" - Last Kiss

• "You said it was a great love, one for the ages, but if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?" -Death by a Thousand Cuts

• "i could go back to every laugh, but i don’t wanna go there anymore." — Come in With the Rain

• "braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known" - Mine

• "you've gotta leave before you get left" - I Did Something Bad

• "you've got your demons and darling they all look like me" - Sad Beautiful Tragic

• "please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you" - Enchanted

• "come back to me like, you could, you could if you just said you're sorry iknow that we could work it out somehow, but if this was a movie you'd be here by now" - If This Was a Movie

• "You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time but I never thought I'd live to see it break" - Haunted

• "and they tell you that you're lucky but you're so confused cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used" - The Lucky One

• "I can hear them whisper as we pass by It's a bad sign, something happens when everybody finds out see the vulture circling dark clouds, love's a fragile little flame, it could burn out" - I Know Places

• "I should've slept with one eye opened at night" Wonderland

~ A𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒔𝒕 O𝒇 T𝒉𝒆 D𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒅𝒆 ~

&

~ Best Lyricist Of Our Generation ~

@taylorswift @taylornation

[katytaylorsversion]

@taylorswift saddest parts of songs

• "you call me up again just to break me like a promise, so casually cruel in the name of being honest" — All Too Well

• "but your jealousy, I can hear it now

you’re talking down to me like I’ll always be around" - Better Man

• "I can't say hello to you and risk another goodbye" — I Almost Do

• "you said "‘I'm sorry, I didn't make it.' And I said, ‘I'm sorry too.'" — The Moment I Knew

• "You put up the walls and paint them all a shade of gray and I stood there loving you, and wished them all away" - Cold As You

• "I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well" - White Horse

• "why, do you have to make me feel small so you can feel whole inside" - Tell me Why

• "but you held your pride like you should have hold me" - The Story of Us

• "so I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep and I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe" - Last Kiss

• "dont you think nineteen is too young to be played by your dark twisted games, when i loved you so?" - Dear John

• "time, its taking its sweet time erasing you" - Sad beautiful Tragic

• "i watched you leave, your smile, my ghost, i fell to my knees" - This Love

• "ten months sober i must admit, just beacuse you're clean dont mean you dont miss it" - Clean

• "in my mind i play it back, spinning faster than the plane that took you" - Come back, Be Here

• "who am i supossed to talk to? what am i supossed to do, if there's no you?" -Soon You'll get Better

• "i lived in your chess game, but you changed the rules everyday" - Dear John

• "he didnt like it when i wore high heels, but i do" - Begin Again

• "cause now my name is up in lights, but i think you got it right, let me tell you now you're the lucky one" - The Lucky One

• "Please dont, ever become a stranger, whose laugh i could recognize everywhere" - New Year's Day

• "What do you do when the one who means the most, is the one who didnt show?" - The Moment I Knew

• "In your life, you'll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team. I didnt know it at fifteen" - Fifteen

• "You can plan for a change in weather and time, but i never planned on ypu changing your mind" - Last Kiss

• "You wear your best apology but i was there to watch you leave and all the times i let you in, just for you to go again" - The Last Time

• "all the king's horses, all the king's men, couldnt put me together again, cause all of my enemies started out friends" - The Archer

• "Words, how little they mean

when you're a little too late”- Sad Beautiful Tragic

• "Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold, and you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know"- You're Not Sorry

• "will you take a moment, promise me this, that you'll stand by me forever, but if god forbid fate should step in and force us into a goodbye, if you have children someday, when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name"- Long Live

• "new apartment, in a big city they just dropped me off. It's so much colder than I thought it would be so I tucked myself in and turned my nightlight on. I wish I'd never grown up" -Never Grow Up

• "Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind. We both cried, cause when you're 15 and somebody tells you they love you you're gonna believe them" -Fifteen

• "my time, my wine, my spirit, my trust, tryna find a part of me you didn't take up, gave you so much, but it wasn't enough. But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts" - Death by a thousand cuts

• "I've been spending the last eight months thinking all love ever does

Is break and burn and end" - Begin Again

• "You gave me roses and I left them there to die" - Back to December

• "fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer" - Red

• "we are alone with our changing minds we fall in love 'til it hurts or bleeds, or fades in time" -State of Grace

• "for the first time I had something to lose, and I guess we fell apart in the usual way and the story's got dust on every page" - Holy Ground

• "Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything, and everybody believed in you?" - Innocent

• "baby, I could build a castle out of all the bricks they threw at me" - New Romantics

• "you never know what people have up their sleeves, ghosts from your past gonna jump out at me, lurking in the shadows with their lip gloss smiles" - Ours

• "all that i know is that i don’t know how to be something you miss, never thought we'd have a last kiss" - Last Kiss

• "You said it was a great love, one for the ages, but if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?" -Death by a Thousand Cuts

• "i could go back to every laugh, but i don’t wanna go there anymore." — Come in With the Rain

• "braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known" - Mine

• "you've gotta leave before you get left" - I Did Something Bad

• "you've got your demons and darling they all look like me" - Sad Beautiful Tragic

• "please don't be in love with someone else, please don't have somebody waiting on you" - Enchanted

• "come back to me like, you could, you could if you just said you're sorry iknow that we could work it out somehow, but if this was a movie you'd be here by now" - If This Was a Movie

• "You and I walk a fragile line

I have known it all this time but I never thought I'd live to see it break" - Haunted

• "and they tell you that you're lucky but you're so confused cause you don't feel pretty, you just feel used" - The Lucky One

• "I can hear them whisper as we pass by It's a bad sign, something happens when everybody finds out see the vulture circling dark clouds, love's a fragile little flame, it could burn out" - I Know Places

• "I should've slept with one eye opened at night" Wonderland

@taylornation

[monstrous-beauty]

Monstrous Beauty Text Posts

Jake: What (and i cannot stress this enough) the fuck/ sure. blame the guy who's a huge idiot who causes a lot problems, again/ Me in jail: so are you guys familiar with the cell block tango/ Apparently "the vibes are off" isn't a just excuse to leave work early/ what, from the bottom of my heart, the fuck/ what doesn't kill doesn't kill you/ yesterday at target the cashier said "your receipt is the bag* and I responded with "you too" so I've been dealing with that for the past 18 hours but I'm slowly coming to terms with it which is cool/ *enters my own password* i'm in/ due to personal reasons I will be cheating death/ *gets down on one knee* *gets down on the other* *doesn't get up ever*/ Not to be dramatic but if I don't get my life together I will die/ I have pure intentions, bitch! you can't kill me/ cop: can you describe the guy who stabbed you me: yeah he was not very friendly

Storm: Which is messier my life or my hair/ "I am unknowable" I say as I overshare my biggest childhood trauma's in the first conversation with someone/ I love laying the FUCK down and sleeping/ me: [vibrating slightly because I had too much caffeine] everything in the world is my fault/ my only goal in life is to destroy the space-time continuum/ i am a huge fan of space, both outer and personal/ Yeah sex is great but have you looked at common English words and then followed their systematic time changes back through Old English and Proto-Germanic all to the way to their Proto-Indo-European roots, whispered one of those roots out loud, and been overwhelmed by a sense of Lovecraftian insignificance as it dawns on you that you just reached back across scores of centuries and spoke a word older than civilization itself?/ but i don't have a hyperfixation i'll die

Adrienne: im so tired of this life. i want to be a roomba. i want knives taped to me. i want to be set loose./ are my prophetic visions a joke to you/ There has been a lady inside my head screaming for the past 10 years and u think taking a bath and doing yoga will stop her? U are wrong. She is a very mad lady and she will not be silenced/ Cranky because you haven't had any prophetic dreams to aid you on your quest aren't you/ i wish it was 1600 so i cood spelle words howe everr my harte destyred/ me: *hangs out with little kids and tries to teach them self love and feminist ideas*/ Pros and cons of wearing all black pros: hot as hell cons: hot as hell/ If someone points at your black clothes and asks you who's funeral it is, a look around the room and casual "haven't decided yet" is a good response

Solais: mentally i'm at least 5"11. physically? don't worry about it/ don't call yourself edgy unless you talk to dead people and have daddy issues/ im a simple gal. people raise their voices at me, i cry for an hour/ once i figure out how to hold a conversation it's frienship for you bitches/ me: *is tiny* me: (;'._.');/ no homo bro *thinks about you* thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you* *thinks about you*/ Listen man I'm just trying to wear soft sweaters and read my books and love myself/ i was put on this earth to eat bagels and be gay/ actually Ratatouille is the dish's name, you're thinking of Ratatouille's monster. im what the kids call

attention seeking/ me gay? why yes thank you for noticing/ on all levels except physical, i am a little heart shaped candy that says "i'm all yours!"/ nothing is awkward or cheesy if you don't give a fuck. i'm on this earth to have a good time. not to be cool./ i aspire to be one of those people who is known for always smelling good and treating people kindly/ big heart energy/ me @ you: >> this is my protecting women and girls knife/ doing violence tonight so watch out if you're weak to attacks/ why did my last two braincells have to be a sad one and a stupid one/ goes to the kitchen holds a knife in my hand for a while. puts it back. goes back to my room

Mal: these hands rated e for everyone/ forgive me father for I have sinned in all the coolest and most glamorous ways possible/ "I expected better from you" well that was your fault lmao i got nothing to do with that/ im beautiful im delicious i literally cannot die i want 200 dollars/ friendly reminder that i literally cannot die, and id love to see any of you fuckers try to take me down/ Slutty in theory but not in practice/ I just wannna be vaguely unsettling, not even scary or creepy, I just want people to look at me and feel like there's something A Little Bit Wrong but they don't know what when they tell the story of the slighty cryptid being to their friends later/ Hmmm gay rights but only for me i think? The rest of you are on your own/ i say i'm gay a lot for someone who is technically bisexual/ occupation: the family disappointment/ [steps on my emotions and grinds them under my heel] anyways/ i am evil and not straight/ me: breathes parents: I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR ATTITUDE/ you ever listen to your dad talk and be like "why are you like this?"/ dont you hate when you wake up and you're awake/ oh god...oh fuck...*yearns*/ Due to personal reasons I'll be going feral/ Quitting school to become a plant who wants to join me we can make a forest/ Anyways! *climbs out of the scattered and ruined debris of my feelings*/ so what if i love you. shut up/ i ask myself 48 times a day "am I being dramatic? Is this #toomuch?" the answer is always yes of course/ *lawyer voice* eat a dick, your honor/ I may seem like an asshole but deep down I'm good person and even deeper down I'm a bigger asshole/ in my defense, i was left unattended