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tickly-trashcan · 3 years

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Getting in the Spirit {Hu Tao, Venti, Xiao, and Zhongli}

A/N: WAAH im so sorry i have prompts but i just needed to write something for christmas!!!!! This is christmas themed so i’m sorry to my friends who celebrate something else, i just really wanted to write something for the holidaysss. it’s also super rushed bc i decided to write it like,, yesterday (i wanted to get it OUT yesterday but we had plans lolol) but i hope everyone still enjoys!! :D (also thanks to @danibby for the idea uwu) ((also also i didn’t proofread bc of said holiday so YUH))

Summary: It’s Xiao’s first Christmas!

Word Count: 2.1k (under the cut)

“Come onnnn, do it for me? For meee?” Venti whined, tugging on Xiao’s sleeve. Xiao huffed.

“I don’t know…” He said softly, and Venti let go of his sleeve, opting to grab his shirt instead as he forced Xiao to look at his pleading eyes.

“Please?”

Xiao faltered, sighing as he nodded his head. Venti cheered, throwing his arms around Xiao and pulling him into a back-breaking hug that made Xiao groan.

Venti pulled Xiao along, chatting about how excited he was the whole way as Xiao couldn’t help a small amused smile.

He had been asked by Venti several times before to spend the holidays with him, and every time Xiao had said he was too busy, which was somewhat of a fib. Sure, he had his duties, but he never had too much that he couldn’t make time for his friends. This year Venti had been adamant, practically demanding for Xiao to spend time with him. Xiao, unable to resist Venti’s puppy eyes, had agreed, and now he was dragging Xiao to someplace that Xiao didn’t know about.

He was surprised when he saw they were heading towards the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, which had been eerily decorated for the holidays. Holly and wreaths and bows and ribbon scattered the front of the funeral parlor, and though it looked nice, it seemed out of place for the funeral parlor to be so festive.

Venti chuckled at Xiao’s wide eyes as he took it all in. Venti ushered Xiao in, shoving him lightly as Xiao stumbled through the door to see even more decor inside.

Stockings, garlands, a big tree covered in baubles and ornaments, and a small bunch of green plants tied in a ribbon hanging from the ceiling in the middle of the parlor. Xiao raised an eyebrow, mildly perturbed by all the decorations. Venti pointed at the bunch of plants that hung from the ceiling.

“Mistletoe! Xiao, you should stand under it!”

“Why?”

“Just do it!”

Xiao huffed and shuffled over to the mistletoe, crossing his arms before turning back to face Venti, about to ask why he needed to stand under it when Venti leapt at him, Xiao crying out. He was met with a messy kiss on his cheek as he shoved Venti off, hissing.

“Venti!” He whined, his cheeks flushing pink.

“Xiao~!” Another voice came, and Xiao turned around with Venti still clinging to him to see Hu Tao running towards him, and before he could react, she was jumping on him as well, knocking all three of them to the floor.

“Hu Tao! Mistletoe!” Venti hollered, and Hu Tao gasped. She scooped Xiao’s cheek and kissed his opposite one before grabbing Venti’s shoulders and kissing him on the nose, making the bard giggle.

“Why are we kissing??” Xiao exclaimed, and Venti and Hu Tao burst into laughter.

“Because of the mistletoe!”

Xiao gaped and was about to ask why again but he heard footsteps and whipped his head around to see Zhongli walking towards them, wearing a red and white hat and holding an armful of presents.

“You two better not be teasing Xiao too much,” He said, soft smile on his face. Xiao’s cheeks burned and he tried to crawl out of the Hu Tao and Venti pile, but couldn’t because of their grip on him.

Zhongli chuckled and set the presents down underneath the tree in the corner of the funeral parlor, heading back over to Xiao as he shooed off Hu Tao and Venti, who whined.

“Isn’t this your first Christmas, Xiao?” Hu Tao asked, standing up and brushing off her shirt.

“Yes,” Xiao said quietly, scanning the room again as Zhongli helped him up.

“Well, then we need to make sure that it’s perfect! You got the hot chocolate, right Zhongli?” Venti chirped, and Zhongli nodded. Xiao perked up at the mention of something hot, for it was rather cold on the way over.

Hu Tao trotted off to Zhongli’s office, coming back out slowly holding a plate with steaming mugs as she set them down on the table in the parlor. Xiao looked over at them, seeing a pale brown brew that had a few marshmallows spotting the top.

“We know how much you like sweets, hehe~” Venti cooed, picking one up for himself and handing another one to Xiao. As Xiao held it, he felt the warmth from the drink heat up his hands, and as everyone else took a sip of theirs, he sipped his as well.

It was sweet and chocolatey, and the marshmallows were soft and pillowy. He quickly took another sip, enjoying it thoroughly.

Hu Tao hummed as she sipped hers, setting it down to reveal a small hot chocolate mustache as Venti pointed and laughed. She chuckled as well, wiping it off. Xiao finished his and had a small mustache as well, but didn’t seem to notice as he sighed contently.

“Xiao, you have a mustache!” Hu Tao giggled, and he blushed, quickly wiping it away.

Zhongli took the empty mugs and brought them back to his office, and while he was away, Venti started to poke Xiao’s cheek.

“Xiao, it’s the holidays! You can’t frown!”

Xiao forced a quick smile and then returned to his neutral face, making Venti whine. Hu Tao grabbed his cheeks and squished them, huffing impatiently.

“Venti’s right! And if you don’t smile, we’re gonna have to make you! ‘Tis the season to be merry!!” Hu Tao said, making a funny voice as she said the last few words. Xiao couldn’t help a smile at her humor, and she cheered.

“Should we force him under the mistletoe again?”

“No!” Xiao said exasperatedly, and Venti laughed. Xiao huffed.

“What should we do then, Venti? He doesn’t seem to be in the spirit!” Hu Tao said, and Venti nodded, hand on his chin.

“Maybe he needs a little… convincing.”

Xiao shook his head, crossing his arms. Venti chuckled, reaching out and grabbing Xiao’s side and giving it a quick squeeze. Xiao jumped, shoving Venti’s hand away with wide eyes as Hu Tao grabbed his other side and mimicked Venti.

Xiao shook his head again, more frantically this time as Venti and Hu Tao chuckled menacingly.

“No no no. No, you guys – I swear, you better noHOT!” Xiao squeaked when Venti pounced, squeezing his hips. Hu Tao joined Venti, reaching for Xiao’s sides as she scribbled her fingers delicately up and down them, making Xiao squeal.

“Look! He’s smiling now!” Hu Tao giggled, watching with a teasing glint as Xiao jumped and jolted from hers and Venti’s touch.

“He’s dancing too! Must really be embracing the holiday spirit, hehe~” Venti cooed, pinching the dip of Xiao’s hip and making him jump again, Xiao shaking his head.

“Nohoho! This – This isn’t fahahahair!”

“Is everything alright? I thought I heard – Oh,” Zhongli came into the room, making Xiao flush with embarrassment as he tried to squirm away from Hu Tao and Venti, who both had a firm hold on him.

“Hahaha! Mahahake them stahahap!” Xiao whined, and Zhongli chuckled amusedly, watching as Hu Tao crept up to his ribs, making him shriek with surprise as he clamped his arms down and leaned back against her.

“We’re barely even doing anything! Just getting you into the holiday spirit is all!” Venti cheered, and Zhongli rolled his eyes as he heard the two of them laugh along with Xiao.

“Hehehelp me! Zhohongliii!”

“You really want help? Alright…” Zhongli said, walking over as Hu Tao and Venti paused for a moment, unsure of what Zhongli would do. Xiao caught his breath briefly, looking up at Zhongli with pink cheeks.

Zhongli smiled at him and reached forward, skittering his fingers across Xiao’s stomach, making him gasp and jerk backwards, falling against Hu Tao as his laughter resumed. Hu Tao and Venti cheered, continuing their own tickles against Xiao as he hollered, trying to squirm away.

He tripped over his own feet in his ticklish struggle, only being caught by Hu Tao, who had her arms hooked under Xiao’s. She chuckled, setting him down as she sat, Xiao laying in her lap with his arms held back as Zhongli and Venti followed, continuing the tickle attack.

“HUhuhu Tahao! Nohoho, thahat’s mehean!” He wailed, yelling when Venti dug under his arms as he kicked his legs. Zhongli lightly squeezed his lower thigh with one hand, the other on Xiao’s tummy as Xiao bucked, laughing harder than he was before.

Venti chuckled at Xiao, raking his fingers down Xiao’s biceps before scribbling them in the hollow of his armpit as Xiao tugged his arms frantically.

“We’re not being mean, Xiao, we’re just getting you in the holiday spirit! Look how merry you are!”

“We could call him Rudolph with how red he is right now, honestly,” Hu Tao teased, releasing his arms to knead his hips as Venti continued to dig under them, despite Xiao immediately clamping his arms down.

“Who the hehehehell is Rudohoholph??” Xiao gasped through his laughter, and that only made everyone around him laugh.

“Perhaps we should let him have a short break. We could open presents then,” Zhongli offered, noticing that Xiao was slowly reaching his limit. Hu Tao and Venti exchanged a glance, grinning at the mention of presents as they slowed their fingers, Xiao catching his breath as he hiccuped in the air.

Hu Tao, Venti, and Zhongli all stood, and before Xiao could even recover or process what was happening, there were three boxes in his lap.

“What are these for?” He asked, his voice still breathy from the tickling before.

“They’re for you! It’s tradition to get people gifts on Christmas!” Venti said matter-of-factly, and Xiao nodded his head as he reached for one. He suddenly felt a pang of guilt and looked around at his friends.

“I… didn’t get anything for you guys,” He said sadly, and Hu Tao ruffled his hair.

“It’s fine, it’s your first one! Just your company is enough,” She said sweetly, and Zhongli nodded.

“Just getting to see you smile and be happy is better than any gift, Xiao.”

Xiao flushed and nodded his head, Hu Tao urging him with her hands.

“Open your gifts!”

Xiao gently tore the wrapping paper, Venti scooping up the bow and smacking it on Xiao’s forehead as he grumbled playfully, rolling his eyes before opening the box.

“Oh…” He said quietly, picking up a small, wooden flute, decorated with a red tassel on the end. Venti’s brows furrowed and he tucked his hands behind his back.

“Do you like it?”

Xiao took a few moments to inspect it, not really hearing Venti’s question for he was too enamoured with the flute. He looked up at Venti and nodded, “I love it.”

Zhongli pushed one of the boxes to Xiao, smiling. “Open mine next.”

“What about mine??” Hu Tao whined, but Xiao was already opening the small box Zhongli had given him. Inside was a small, glass bottle filled with a purple looking herb. Xiao looked at Zhongli, who cleared his throat.

“It’s a special kind of medicine I had Baizhu make. If you brew it in hot water it should ease the pain of your karmic debt,” He said, and Xiao felt his cheeks warm.

“Thank you,” He said softly, looking at the last box in his lap. It was another small box, sitting right in the middle as Xiao picked it up. He pulled off the ribbon and tore the wrapping paper, opening the box to reveal a little plush ghost. It was attached to a blue velvet tassel, tied in a neat bow as Hu Tao huffed proudly.

“I made it myself. It should ward off any negativity!”

Xiao felt his eyes well up slightly as he looked at all of the thoughtful gifts he had gotten. He felt Venti’s arms around him, then Hu Tao’s, then Zhongli as he held them all back, a small whine escaping his lips as he was squeezed tightly.

“Thank you all… I thought this was just some silly mortal tradition, but-”

“But…?”

Xiao smiled softly. “But you all made it rather enjoyable.”

Hu Tao squealed and grabbed Xiao’s cheeks, making him yelp as she squeezed them.

“You’re the one who made it enjoyable Xiao!! Archons, who gave you the right!?”

Xiao blinked. “What right?”

Venti laughed and exchanged a playful glance with Zhongli. Zhongli hummed and set Xiao’s presents aside, going to pick up the wrapping paper.

“I’d say that was a sufficient break, wouldn’t you?”

Xiao’s eyes widened and he went to scurry away, but Venti and Hu Tao were already on him, making him shriek as Zhongli chuckled, joining in. Xiao wasn’t sure if tickling was a part of the tradition, but either way, he was slowly starting to love the holidays.

#hu tao #zhongli #venti #xiao #genshin impact #tickle fic

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sfblah · 4 years

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Not so much a rant as a ramble, but here we go.

I’m mixed white and Asian (Korean specifically), and I’m not totally sure how to actually describe this feeling, but a lot of the time I feel like I’m basically “just” a white guy. For probably more than two thirds of my life, I basically only had white friends, teachers, acquaintances and so on, to the point where I was basically the closest thing to a token minority in my social circle. Outside of a few instances of people assuming I spoke Chinese or something, it never really felt like it though. I really only speak English, I’ve only ever visited Korea once, and I feel like I’ve had basically no exposure to the culture outside of the food.

I know I’ve lived a very privileged life, and I haven’t experienced systemic racism the way many people clearly have. I don’t know how much of this is just my anxiety talking, but even now I kind of worry that I’m saying this less to make a point and more just to go “waah don’t forget about meee,” and honestly I don’t even know what the truth is there myself. Heck, I stopped writing this right here for like 10 minutes and considered just deleting it and not saying anything, but to hell with it, let’s go.

More under the cut, likely CW for racism. I apologize in advance if any of the content or my attitude about it are offensive. I tend to get kind of blasé about this stuff as it applies to me, that’s just kinda how I’ve always handled it. I wouldn’t want to get jokey with anyone else’s experiences.

Probably the biggest thing I’ve picked up on as I’ve become more conscious of these things is that Asian characters in fetish stories and such are pretty much the same as Asian characters in American media as a whole: they practically don’t exist unless they’re being either stereotyped or fetishized. There are of course some counter examples that are always nice to see, but I’m sure everyone has at least unconsciously noticed that there are hardly any Asian characters in popular media who aren’t martial artists, doctors, or frail submissive uwu tradwives.

No guesses which of those is most common in snz fiction. I will say I wonder if things are different in the realms of fanfiction, and stories that focus more on male sneezing. But in that oh so special realm of straight men writing women for their own pleasure, Asian characters basically don’t exist unless somebody’s got mad yellow fever. Again I’m sure there are positive counter examples, or at least I hope there are, and I’m not throwing shade on any specific people. Except one, we’ll get to that.

I can only speak to my own experiences and I know one person can’t just tell you what is or isn’t okay when it comes to fetishization and representation. Well, it’s a lot easier to say what isn’t okay, I think you get what I mean. But at least to me, if you find physical features commonly associated with Asian ethnicities attractive, I think that’s totally fine. Be more eloquent about it than I am right now, but describe your characters’ monolid eyes and flat noses, more power to you. I know something I’ve struggled with is worrying that a baseline of describing what a character looks like will come across as fetishizing them, but there are perfectly fine ways to just be tactful about it. If those things that make you go doki doki are literally the only traits said character has, then maybe it’s time to take a step back and think about it, but hey, that’s an opportunity to learn.

Also I do need to own up myself, I’ve basically only written like three Asian characters ever, and yeah, pretty much every other character I’ve penned has been white. Even with characters I’ve created whose appearances and ethnicities are unspecified, if I’m being fully honest, they’re probably white in the theater of my mind, and I know that’s something I need to work on.

And now to close things out, some fun. You want your bad rep? I got your bad rep. I’m still not gonna name names, but let’s just say this guy is an honorless p’takh, and nine times out of ten he’s the one I’m referring to when I complain about the forum not properly hiding posts by people you’ve blocked.

Anyway, years ago I’d set up a little roleplay forum, separate from blue, but all you needed to do was follow the link and sign up. I can’t remember what the url is, it’s been a long time, but it’s probably still out there somewhere. I was doing an RP with this guy and a few other people, and our characters were trying to survive an alien invasion. (For anyone who knows me, this is probably the least surprising snz RP premise I could have come up with lmao.) Our characters had just gotten out of the city where we started, and our plan was to hide out in the woods.

This guy’s character was a young Japanese girl, and he didn’t join the RP until right around this point. Pretty much every single post he made was about how his character was so “traditional” and mysterious, and without any meaningful interaction with anyone else in the group, he had her split off from the group to go bathe in a river, assume all of our characters would be confused by her strange foreign ways and even outright hate her because of it, and then just straight up run away from the group and essentially quit the RP entirely.

At the time I didn’t really get what had even happened, and I just wrote it off as a weird RP experience. But a few years after that, I posted a story with one of those three Asian characters I’ve actually written. This guy sent me a PM not long after, told me how much he liked that character in particular, and asked if he could write his own story with her. I’m already not in the business of giving out my OCs for other people to write so I likely would have said no anyway, but this moment was what got me to connect the dots between there, that RP, and the greater context of what was happening.

Moral of the story is, I obviously can’t give anyone carte blanche to do whatever they want, but I think I can safely say that if you want to write Asian characters and are worried about coming across like you’re fetishizing them, as long as your heart is in the right place and you don’t do any of that stuff I just said, I’m willing to go on a little faith.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I know I probably still have big redditor energy even after all these years, but please do let me know if anything I’ve said is horribly offensive or just plain wrong. I mostly meant to just talk about my own experiences, but this is definitely something I know I still need to learn more about, and I wouldn’t want to be combative toward anyone trying to help in that.

#shut up blah #whew #I still kinda feel like I shouldn't even post this but whatever #if I shouldn't have then please just tell my stupid ass

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idolish7rabbitchats · 5 years

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Nanase Riku: Sakura Message Rabbit TV Part 3

Mitsuki: IDOLiSH Night with You! We’ll be doing tonight’s “Sakura Message” special from now on!

Nagi: Last one!

Riku: Yes, the seventh person is Nanase Riku!

Yamato: Well, finally.

Tamaki: I can’t wait.

Iori: Since it's the last one, you must show a great picture right, Nanase-san.

R: Wh….What?! Why is everyone suddenly saying such nerve-wracking things..?!

M: Because when Riku seems happy, somehow I want to tease you...

S: Sorry, Riku-kun. I agree with Mitsuki-san this time...

R: Even Sougo-san..?!

Y: Oooh, Sou. You remembered to read the room huh.

S: I started to learn.

I: ...I’m still surprised that Osaka-san goes along with it though...

N: You remembered it’s variety, huh Sougo!

T: Shouldn’t you learn stuff other than this…?

Y: Well, well, isn’t it a good thing. Even though now Ichi has to be the serious person’s role.

I: How about Nikaido-san being the serious one? You are a serious person even though you act like you’re not.

Y: Eeeeh…?

R: Ah! It’s that huh! That Yamato-san’s “Sakura Message” music score was worn-out…!

N: Yamato, you care about this song so much..!

S: Wasn’t Mitsuki-san’s music score also worn-out?

M: Aaah! Sougo, you didn’t have to say that..! It’s embarrassing..!

Y: ..I really don’t want Sou to remember it’s variety after all...

T: Seeeee. That’s what I was saying!

S: Eh… Did I do something wrong…?

N: NO. You’re not wrong. It was a NICE PASS, Sougo.

N: These two being embarrassed is highly rare!

I: Don’t compare my Nii-san to a card’s rarity.

M: U-Uuuuum, going back to talking about Riku though, his facial expression in the PV was rare for Riku!

R: Eheheh! Right!

R: “Sakura Message” is adult and calm so I wanted to become adult enough so that I wouldn’t lose.

T: Aah. Somehow, you looked soft.

R: Really! Tamaki, you got it?! I wanted to be soft like Sougo-san!

T: I didn’t get that.

S: Eh…?!

T: So-chan isn’t soft.

R: Eeeeh! Is that so?

Y: They’re saying it, Sou.

S: Please don’t change the subject to me...

M: Then, can I ask Tamaki to explain today’s project for the people who are watching this from the midpoint!

T: Me? Okay.

R: Waah! Please!

T: Umm… This is a project where we took off-shots for each other and we show them here.

T: Mikki took Rikkun’s off-shot.

M: Yeah! That’s meee!

R: Mitsukiii!

M: I think I took a shot that’s really feels like our Riku!

I: As expected of Nii-san.

R: Ioriii! I’m the object! Praise me too!

I: Haah? Why would I...

R: Because you praised Mitsuki!

I: That…. Well, wasn’t it a Nanase-san-ish shot...

N: Iori, that’s not praise. Even if you were in front of a girl, would you not be honest?

I: Now has nothing to do it with that...!

M: Okay okay, not bully my younger brother so much! So then, this is Riku’s off-shot!

R: Yes! Please!

[Shows Riku’s unidolized Sakura Message card]

All: Oooooh!

S: How cute. It’s a Riku-kun-ish photo huh.

Y: Right. Feels like Riku.

T: Like Rikkun.

R: ...Are they praising me…?!

N: Riku, I’ll give your wink full marks.

R: Eh?! Really?!

T: No fair! Gimme that too!

N: OH! Alright. Tamaki’s wink also gets full marks.

T: Yay.

I: What is that, this conversation...

R: Iori, do you feel like praising me properly?

I: Yes yes… Nanase-san’s amaaaazing. So wink.

Y: In what situation did Mitsu take this?

M: Thank you for asking me! ...But I didn’t do anything special.

R: Mitsuki talked to me about various things! I just said it before but about his music score and such.

Y: You though...

M: W-Well well! Thanks to that, I was able to take a good Riku right? Right, Sougo!

S: Eh?! Th-That’s a given!

M: Riiight? I’m glad I was able to take a perfect Riku for the last one!

M: Then, let Riku talk about his feeling about “Sakura Message” in the end.

M: The show will end soon! Riku, do it for us!

R: Yes..!

R: Uuumm… I talked with the members a lot and a lot about this song.

R: And I think “Sakura Message” is a song about encouraging everyone.

R: Pushes my back softly when I can’t step forward... That kind of song!

R: I wonder what you felt. I’d be happy if you could tell me next time!

R:..IDOLiSH Night with You! I’d be happy if you enjoyed the “Sakura Message” special too!

R: So then, everyone...

All: See you again!

#Idolish7 #idolish seven #Nanase Riku #Riku Nanase #idol #game #gaming #rabbit tv #sakura message #translation #japanese #english #game app #idol game #Rhythm game

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wellthatwasaletdown · 6 years

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Just a mess but post whenever you're bored lol. Great blog btw.

My advice to Harry for HS2 (this eh… got away from me)

First would be head over to Sweden to Max Martin and beg him to write songs with a kind of racketing Northern UK 80s vibe (think Jessie’s girl), some rollicking early George Michael, and a little bit of Tom Jones cheese on top. No hair metal, no 70s dreariness, no bombast. (Stop trying to reincarnate FM and GnR through a British xfactor contestant Irving – its making everyone look silly!). Second he should head back over to Nashville for some nice country song songs he can pour his wee heart into. It’d be a mixed bag but so were Midnight Memories and MITAM and they’re great albums imo. ‘Girl name’ songs and hook-up songs are mostly banned because HS1 has forever tainted Harry singing songs like that with a truly nasty level of misogyny. Instead the songs should be as follows but in no particular order:

‘A boat from an Island up my Own Arse’ (James’ song) : about what happens when you fall for your own follower count and start acting the arse – relatable for loads of kids in these days of social media notoriety.

This song could be deep and introspective and Harry could get Kodaline to help him write it (they already have a good one on this called The Answer) or it could be a fun rocking slap up his own head, a tongue in cheek send up of his own hype. His choice, artist input is important. You could have loads of fun with this video but Jaffsen (James, Jeff, Ben) are banned from any involvement, except they can cameo as themselves maybe.

2 ‘Look At You Now’ ; continuing on from the theme of 1. This song could be a counterpoint, fast where the other is slow or vice versa. Its not a love song, it’s about that one friend you took for granted, and mean-girled in front of your cooler friends just because they were all awkward laughing and train-track braces but now they’re all grown and fit and you’re looking a bit past your sell by date. Also relatable in a post high school sort of way to a lot of people. Perfect chance for a bit of open-ended homoeroticism - like a love song to how fit and thick your former best male friend has gotten and how you kinds wish you were him.

4. ‘Guess I’m just a Tool’ ; about what happens when the only friends you have, only met you when you were already famous and all your old mates got sick of you. Not a ‘waah haterz abe jealous’ song (the world has had enough of those) – a little insight and something new to say will be required. Sloppy lyrics or ideas not accepted.

5. ‘Looking at me, looking at me’ ; this could be Abba-esque, and the. one. song. where Jeff is allowed to adlib, with ‘Ah-Haaa’ (he must dress as Alan Partridge for the video though that’s non-negotiable). This one is about narcissism in the present day when you realise even on other people’s birthdays you’re always just checking out yourself in the selfie. Could be all deep and sorrowful eiher – but then no Jefe, no adlibs. It would be most fun as a joke song though. We’ll leave it to Harry and his hopefully new therapist to figure out where the song goes.

(Corden would almost certainly want to do the video but he’s banned, along with all the Kardashians. Jefe could cameo as above but not contribute any ideas at all. This could not be Kendall does Protest levels of bad, it’s a song about narcissism, not an exercise in narcissism)

6. ‘You’re to coo-ool for meee, in all the ti-ings you beee’ ; this is about what it’s like when your best friend always looks like Apollo fcked a Disney princess and sent the child to be brought up by the ghost of Jimi Hendrix. Also a good chance for open ended homoeroticism. Every piece of clothing you own looks better on him and he just does everything so much cooler. You hate him but you love him, this love is tainted. A mea culpa for the dark sided shit team Azoff have almost certainly pulled on Z.

7. ‘Don’t you wish you could be Louis’ Girl’ ; a straight up rip off of Jessie’s Girl really. This sounds bad but in a surprise twist it would actually be a paean, a celebration of the string of fit girls Louis has loved, in the best tradition of Northern UK rock. It would be updated to include an element of empathy for, and celebration of, the millions of us who aren’t size E.

The song would also have a note of the longing that comes from your best friend always being in long term relationships along with lots of nice non-misogynistic celebration of women of all shapes and sizes and family types. A mea culpa for Kiwi and all the other nastiness of HS1. Girl Almighty but raunchier music and better lyrics.

Larries will be happy thinking it’s about Harry wishing he was Louis’ girl, but the kindness in the lyrics will cut off the nastiness they tend to spew. Harry will pull on his big boy pants and reiterate the need for fans to stop trashing other women in interviews, while humbly admitting the song is a rip-off, a tongue in cheek homage to

8. ‘Untitled’ ; this is about what happens when your best friend gets on a leetle too well with your love. They have all the same interests, they start to finish each other’s sentences, they get each other’s jokes when you don’t…. they touch each other alot … ‘jokingly’. You don’t wanna act Zealous but fucks sake! …. Cue 1 million Zouis fan vids and Zourry triangle angst fics! I live for them!

9. ‘I got caught up in the wrong kind of love’ ; this one could be serious, country and western vibes, that pulls together a lot of the earlier themes. Its about what happens when you let down the love of your life because you get too caught up in loving your own career. That hot friend from song 8 ends up being their shoulder to cry on and they end up comforting each other in all kinds of ways. You’re all wronged but you all did wrong. Everybody hates everybody but no one can move on. There is potential for two more songs looking at same situation from different angles.

Ssshh, these don’t have to be real - cue aaall the fics, this fandom runs on them after all.

10. A cover of ‘I can’t help falling in love with you.’ Don’t … touch me.

11. Bonus Track: Harry, Liam and Tinie Tempah cover Don’t Worry, Be Happy. It is released as a single and they donate the proceeds to a shelter in Thailand that rescues trafficked girls.

TLDR: Harry ceases to be as ass about 1D and himself and remembers that he got famous by being fun and light and bringing a little joy to people’s lives. He doesn’t have to abandon attempts to write his own deep and / or experimental album, he just has to postpone it until he has the groundwork done, musically, intellectually, spiritually.

Promo: Jaffben are not allowed anywhere near the recording process except for Jefe on song 5. Jefe does not go to RS or NME for promo. He goes to Closer and OK. Harry goes on Loose Women and Elvis Duran and Jonathan Ross and gives intelligible answers about the end of 1D, his last album, his new direction etc and doesn’t act all disingenuous like he doesn’t know why the interviewer would want to know. He gives 0 long-form masturbatory interviews to glossy magazines.

He can draw whatever lines he likes around his personal life as long as he states it clearly, gives a reasonable explanation on his take on privacy now vs the family feel of early 1D, and then sticks to it. Jefe does not use the gossip rags as promo. If he’s being all private then his mother and sister are 100% silent on him too, no backdoor gossip mongering, no nepotism, no encouraging invasive stalkers. He ceases to let all and sundry use him to shill their shit. This fandom has been bled dry enough already. He gets his passive aggressive tendencies under control and only uses them to silence the nastier elements of his fandom.

There is no perfume ad, no docuwank, unless Jaffben want to film themselves actually jerking off to their HS shrines - they can put that on pornhub at their own discretion. Basically Jaffben and Apple are not allowed to monetise the shit out of this fandom. Harry puts himself out there and sells his music. The End.

Or y’know he carries on as is, lets Jefe bag him some more film roles, maybe a romantic ‘comedy’ with the same nasty misogynistic undertones as his album and the shitcom? (Think Apatow but worse) Does another derivative album, gets Irving to pull strings so its praised no matter what, rinse repeat.

#harry styles #submission

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