#everyone else has given proper explanations but like. sometimes things aren’t for you

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

physically disabled people: i love us physically disabled people

other people for some reason: what about everyone else? you don’t love everyone else? you could have just said disabled people. or just people. you’re excluding any non-physically disabled people. why are you promoting exclusion? i’m a bastion of inclusion and yet people are attacking me for it. if physically disabled people have their own spaces or positivity posts it’s because they’re ableist to everyone else and no other reason. if physically disabled people ever uplift themselves and not everyone else too it’s because they’re hateful

[yaboylevi]

Shingeki no Kyojin's Ending Interview (May 2021)

Translation commissioned by @goldsword07​, DO NOT REPOST in full, always include credits and a link to this post if you use or share any parts of it.

Question: Congratulations on completing Shingeki no Kyojin’s serialization! How do you feel now that you have finished writing the final chapter?

Isayama: There’s still some work left to do when it comes to putting together the final manga volume*, so I don’t actually know how a “life without deadlines" feels like yet (laughs), but by publishing the final chapter, I feel like I can finally breathe again. However, there are still several things that need to be done.

(*Translator’s note: usually, putting together a volume includes: fixing drawing mistakes, sometimes even redrawing certain scenes if the author wasn’t satisfied with how they looked/their composition, fixing text (both wording or simply changing the Japanese characters used), drawing omake/extra pages, like the High School Caste fake previews, which usually take up 2 pages, and so on. So, of the 8 extra pages he mentions below, probably only 6 at max will be used to add new original story content.)

Q: What?! What else is there to be done?

Isayama: At first, the draft for the last page of the chapter was neatly divided into 5 panels, but I was feeling quite indecisive about it. At the time, that last page was a scene of 3 people running towards a tree on a hill. After having a meeting about that with Bakku-san and my other editors, I decided on a last-minute change, and I turned it into the one that is now published in Bessatsu Shonen Magazine. The limit for each printed chapter in Bessatsu Magazine was 51 pages, but since up to 8 extra pages can be added in manga volumes, I want to finish up everything that I couldn’t draw in the printed magazine and add it in the final manga volume.

Q: As for the serialization, which spanned 11 years and a half, have there been any changes about the way you think about mangas?

Isayama: Up until recently, I had drawn as if sexism wasn’t a thing, but when drawing the Marleyan military, which was comparatively more modern, if I had added, with no explanation whatsoever, female soldiers like I did for Paradis Island, it could’ve given the impression that Marley was quite a developed nation. It would’ve felt out of place. That’s why, as long as I was drawing a story set in an era of the past, I couldn’t draw female characters as part of the top brass of the military, because it would’ve meant acting as if there was no actual history of gender discrimination at the time.

It might be a story set in a fictitious world, but if you don’t connect it in some ways to the real world, it could end up becoming a story people cannot relate to.

Q: The unraveling of events that led to the final chapter has been quite shocking. Especially when it comes to Eren…

Isayama: I have been frenetically checking any and all reactions to that. There are as many honest opinions as there are people, and they’re all correct. With how I portrayed that part, it’s not so strange that it was interpreted as if Armin accepted the massacre. My portrayal was lacking. Armin didn’t approve of the despicable measures taken by Eren, but he ended up benefiting from the mass slaughter, regardless of his intentions. Armin, who couldn’t possibly understand Eren, faced their last farewell with a firm “Thank you for becoming a mass murderer for us”, essentially conveying how he himself was also an accomplice. He wanted to feel closer to Eren, even if just a little. I realized the final stage in particular had too difficult themes, and my portrayal was inadequate. I deeply regret that I wasn’t able to fully express them in the manga proper.

I’ve been drawing this manga for 11 years and a half, and when I completed the manuscript I truly believed that “everyone will be happy with this”. I was conceited. I apologize to those who have supported me until the end but have felt let down by the ending.

Q: During these 11 years and a half of serialization, have there been any memorable events?

Isayama: I’m happy that I could deepen the relationship with my assistants, as “manga friends”. When the serialization started, everyone was in their twenties, but now some of them are married and have even become parents, and we have become close family friends.

Q: Was the manga becoming an anime a memorable moment, too?

Isayama: The anime adaptation can certainly be considered another part of Shingeki no Kyojin. Lots of people got to know this story through watching the anime. Personally, it was refreshing for me too, as I could experience the story anew. In addition to that, the characters were taken out of my hands - in a good way - by the directors and voice actors, they began moving as independent “existences”. It was a first and interesting experience.

Q: Do you have a favorite scene?

Isayama: As far as drawings go, the scene I like the most is the one in chapter 104, “Victors”, when the Jaw Titan claws at the Attack Titan. Besides the fact that I feel like I can’t draw anything better than that, there also haven’t been that many action scenes with titans after chapter 104.

Q: Well then, what about your best chapter?

Isayama: One of them is chapter 71, “Bystander”. I feel like that chapter exceeded my abilities at the time. I like the way it doesn’t feel like “Shingeki no Kyojin”, as the spotlight was on the life of a single character who isn’t involved with the original story.

Q: Chapter 69, “Friends”, also depicts some characters’ personal life.

Isayama: I like that chapter, too! At the time of drawing its draft, I flattered myself with words such as “Uh? Aren’t I so mature?!”. Normally, I would draw the main story’s continuation, but in chapters 69 and 71’s case, it felt like I was drawing stories that were complete on their own.

Q: With the start of the Marley arc in chapter 91, “The other side of the ocean”, both titans and modern times’ weapons made an appearance in battle.

Isayama: That battle scene was the time I had the most fun while drawing mangas, I was in a state of total concentration and full energy.

Q: How has Shingeki no Kyojin been for you?

Isayama: It’s as if youth has come a bit late, a third of my life has been packed into this work. …Of course, there have been hard times, too, but it’s been a chapter of my life that normally you wouldn’t be able to experience and even now I struggle to think it was real. Although I’ve been spoiled by my readers, I had planned to draw all the while accepting even harsh opinions.

Q: Finally, a message to the readers, please!

Isayama: Through Shingeki no Kyojin, I could connect with an unfathomable number of people. I’ve been happy to share this time of my life with my readers, which is something that, if I had had a normal life, I would have never experienced.

Also, now that the serialization is over, I have been freed, so I want to stroll around a small city with a can of One Cup sake in one hand. That’s what I would call freedom.

[harrypotter-imaginess]

Part 1 Here!

A/N: I’ve been writing this since March, and finally wrapped it up. Slightly NSFW, and apartment scene is inspired by Lore Olympus by Rachel S. 

- You’ve been dating for 2 or 3 months.

- You do it basically every chance you get

- You moan as he pushes you up against the wall, trailing kisses down your neck, sucking at your collarbone

- “Dra-Draco please” you mumble into his shoulder

- “When do you have to be back at work?” He asks between kisses, piercing grey eyes peering into yours

- He never seems to lose his composure, not even during sex

- Which of course only makes you more flustered

- The first time, it had been fairly dark

- But over the past few months you’ve been with him so often you’ve got a very good idea of what his body looks like

- Toned arms, a firm outline on his abs, pale skin blooming with the hickeys you’ve left

- Not to even get started on that face

- No wonder you couldn’t keep your hands off of him

- He bites your collarbone and you yelp, only to be met with a raised eyebrow in return

- You feel your face grow hot, you were so busy admiring him, you forgot to answer his question

- “H-half an hour I think” you mumble.

- He frowns, that’s not as much time as he’d like

- “I guess you’re going to be late” he mumbles against your skin, his hand making quick work of your blouse

- You’ve got this glow, and everyone has noticed

- “Hey! Took a long lunch today?”

- You feel your face growing warm, your hand moving over the new hickey forming on your neck

- “Just lost track of time” you say with a laugh

- You haven’t told anyone at work about you and Draco because of his popularity in your office

- “Hey (Y/N)! Come over and look! The hot guys walking by our office again!”

- Draco’s got a scowl on his face, thin, pale eyebrows practically pressed together. His eyes hold a fierce glare.

- God, you haven’t seen that expression on him in months

- You had completely forgotten that you both hated each other at first

- You catch a glimpse of his soft, pale hair, falling against his eyes. A gloved hand moves to push it aside.

- A hand that had been somewhere rather intimate only a handful of minutes ago.

- Draco’s never been happier in his entire life

- Even his employees have noticed

- “Is it just me, or does Mr. Malfoy seem more chill than usual?”

- “Yesterday That part timer, Natalia, spilled coffee all over his coat. He didn’t even blink, just said ‘these things happen’, usually he’d sack her on the spot!”

- “Maybe he finally got laid”

- They both laugh at that, while Reginald is practically sweating buckets at his desk behind them

- Little do they know they’re spot on.

- Ever since Draco started seeing you, he’s constantly come to Reginald for advice on “navigating the muggle world”

- “The traps of the muggle world are terrifying” Draco had said with a shiver. “Y’know she wanted me to use one of these?”

- Draco pulls out a condom

- “I mean what even is this? A sweet? It tastes just like plastic”

- Reginald’s not sure what’s more embarrassing, that his boss tried to eat a condom, or that he had to spend an hour and half explaining what a condom was to him, and how to use one.

- “So you can shag as much as you want with these, and nothing happens?” Draco says with a face of sheer amazement.

- Reginald has to remind himself to be empathetic. He’s lucky his parents are muggles, and generally very open minded.

- It’s not surprising Draco doesn’t know anything. The wizard world’s typical propaganda encourages procreation to increase the wizard population.

- The truly desperate can drink a potion or cast a charm, but Reginald’s sure something of that sort is never discussed in pureblood familys.

- “Muggles are pretty brilliant aren’t they?” Draco’s staring at the small plastic square in his palm, with true wonder.

- Reginald can’t help but smile, he looks like a kid that just discovered sweets

- “They are”

- Draco’s feeling pretty good, he’s got your favorite take out in one hand, flowers in the other, and a smile on his face

- He’s got someone he loves, he knows what condoms are, he’s on top of the world

- “Draco, how come I’ve never been to your place?”

- Happiness is fleeting, and reality is a lie

- He’s just set down the take out on your dining table, watching you sitting on the edge of the sofa

- You’re only a few feet away from him, but you feel an ocean away

- Well, he can hardly tell you that he still lives with his parents and that they despise Muggles and would probably curse you before you could even make a sound

- His mouth opens, brain scrambling to find an excuse

- He’s going to go with “he lives at his parents estate” when he actually looks at you

- You’re not looking to him, waiting for an explanation. You’re looking at your hands, eyebrows creased together and teeth nibbling into the flesh of your lip.

- He places a hand under your chin, nudging your face to look up at him.

- “Is that really what you’re worried about?”

- It’s not

- You were too much of a coward, and chickened out asking him your initial question

- You hadn’t thought of it before today, when all the women in your office crowded around the window to look at him

- He must have women throwing themselves at his feet

- You were together so often, you doubted he had the time to have anyone else.

- But you never had dates at his place, always yours

- In fact, you had never visited his place

- He could have an entirely different life than what you imagined, and this relationship, the blossoming feelings inside of you could just be in your head.

- Well, you’re only half right. Draco does have a whole other life, but not like you think

- “It’s just- what are we?” Biting on your lip, mustering up every ounce of courage you have you add “...are we dating?”

- Or are you both just f*cking

- He’s taken aback that this is what you want to ask, and honestly he’s a bit annoyed

- In his mind he’s already given up so many things to be here with you now

- His pride, his family, his heritage, he’s even ready to give up magic if it comes to it

- It’s all so obvious to him, that he doesn’t realize it’s all in his mind, he hasn’t conveyed any of this to you

- A softer expression moves across his face, as he takes you in, your gaze lingering on your hands. 

- Of course you’re confused

- He kneels beside you on the ground, his fingers wrapping around your hand

- “Of course we’re dating, you’re my (girlfriend/boyfriend), my lover, my significant other, my partner” each title is pronounced by a soft kiss on your knuckles. He peers up at you through his eyelashes, taking in your flushed face

- You’re his entire future

- “How do you feel about me?” He asks, his breath held in his throat as he watches you carefully

- He’s only now realizing that much of your relationship has existed in his mind

- The thought that perhaps you don’t see your relationship as anything long term only occurs after the words leave his mouth.

- You’re flushed hiding your face in your large sweater

- It’s hard for you to be honest with your wants and needs, especially in relationships

- “I want you to be my boyfriend” you mumble, and he squeezes your hand

- The words take courage you didn’t know you had, but Draco’s grin is worth it.

- He places kisses on your hand, then your face, and finally your lips. You feel his smile, and can’t help but smile as well.

- Then his kisses trail to your neck

- “Draco... the food will get cold...” you murmur, but your hand creeps under his shirt.

- “It’s fine,” he mumbles against your neck. “Gives me an excuse to invite you to my place for a proper meal next time”

- Cue to the next day, with Draco sitting across from his mother in their home. She’s flipping through a book with her wand.

- “I want a flat!” He practically shrieks out, Narcissa doesn’t even look up

- “To own, or rent?”

- Crap. He didn’t think this far ahead, he didn’t really think the words would actually come out. But he promised you a date at his place, and he can’t exactly bring you to the manor now can he?

- Besides, possible hexes and curses aside, his parents being here would definitely kill the mood

- “Rent, I guess. It’s just hard commuting to the office from home.”

- He half expects his mother to tell him to quit then, not like he needs the salary anyway. They have plenty of money.

- But instead, she says:

- “Fine, I’ll tell your father to contact our real estate connection.”

- Draco lets out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding, about ready to walk away, his mother looks up from her book for the first time

- “And Draco,” He meets her gaze, stopping midway from exiting “do bring them home sometime.”

- He’s attempting to play dumb when his mother adds

- “And make sure to cover up the marks on your neck before you see your Father. You know how he is.”

- Draco just nods, feeling the heat creep into his face.

- Apartment hunting is surprisingly stressful. Partially because of how little he understands the muggle world.

- “This is the electrical closet, it stays locked.”

- Muggles. Don’t they realize he can just use a quick ‘alohomora’ to open it.

- When the realtor isn’t looking, he opens it, takes in the air conditioning unit and the wires, and promptly closes it again

- The muggle world is truly terrifying

- He ends up choosing a flat a few streets away from yours, in a posh upscale building. Naturally he lives in the penthouse. 

- He considered moving into the same building, but decides against it

- He has to remind himself that even though he plans on marrying you, he has to play it cool.

- From your perspective you’re a new couple that’s still falling in love

- He hates his apartment, he doesn’t understand how anything works, he has to cook all his meals himself, and he didn’t realize how much cleaning went into living without servants

- He has a newfound respect for house elves as he scrubs pasta sauce off of the ceiling

- In addition, none of the appliances in this place are enchanted, which means he has to actually use his hands to turn on the water or open the refrigerator

- He hates it

- “Wow, I considered this building too, but it was pretty expensive” you say as he helps you out of your coat

- You wonder if the reason he never invited you over was because he was trying to hide the fact that he came from money

- Not like it was a secret, what with the clothes and the restaurants he took you to, he was either rich or close to bankruptcy

- Draco’s just hoping you haven’t figured out he only moved in a week ago

- Thankfully the red sauce stains on the ceiling and Draco’s inability to clean very well thoroughly mislead you into believing this is a well lived in apartment

- Your eyes twinkle as you take in the incredible view from the large panel window in his living room

- “The views absolutely bewitching” you murmur with a smile, enchanted as you gaze at the twinkling lights of London

- He watches you, watching the lights. You look like you’re almost glowing, your form wrapped by the scenery

- “You’re the one that’s bewitching” he murmurs, watching your grin

- Well he can manage for a bit longer

[mytrashcanlife]

Ashes to Ashes Jasper x Reader Part 1

It was an accident. A mistake. But Carlisle couldn’t just leave her there.

Two parents had been lost to a house fire, leaving a little girl to walk the streets looking for help. Once the proper authorities had been notified and the fire was put out, a social worker arrived at the scene to find the child, shaking and crying, with the town doctor Carlisle Cullen. The girl appeared to be fine, she was a little bruised up with a few scratches here and there, but she didn’t appear to have any burns. The social worker recognized the doctor and asked a simple enough question,

“Hey, aren’t you a foster parent? You already have the three teens right?”

Carlisle couldn’t blow their cover, so he said, “yes that’s correct.”

“Look I’m going to be honest with you, we’ve got more kids than workers and definitely more kids than parents, it’s going to take a bit before we can find her a new home. Would you be alright with holding onto her just until we can find her somewhere else to go? It would be a big help. It should only be a couple of days. Is that alright?””

Carlisle looked at the girl, wrapped in a safety blanket with tears in her eyes. She’d been through enough. Spending god knows how long at a police or fire station to be sent to who knows where to endure who knows what else wasn’t going to help her. At least he knew she’d be safe with him and his family until she could be placed somewhere else.

“Of course. Do I need to sign anything?”

“No, I’ll put it in the file system when I get to the office tomorrow. Thank you so much”

The two of them walked over to the child. She looks up at them with recognition. Everyone here knew each other, and she recognize them even if she didn’t truly know them.

“Hi what’s your name sweetie?”

“(y/n).”

“Okay (y/n) well this is Dr. Cullen, and he’s going to take you home with him until we can find you a family member or someone else to live with okay?”

“Yes ma’am. Hi Dr. Cullen.”

“Please call me Carlisle. You ready to go?”

“yeah I guess so”

To say that the others were confused would be one hell of an understatement. Esme and Rosalie recognized the look of trauma on her face and knew immediately that something was wrong. Their nurturing instincts allowed the child to adjust to the new environment a bit easier. Once the girl was calmed down fed and sleeping in the spare bedroom, all hell broke loose downstairs. Edward was not happy about this situation.

“Let me get this straight. You adopted a human child?”

“No Edward I did not. I’m not stupid. Her parents just died, and the system is a mess. We are just housing her until they find somewhere else to put her.”

“How long will that take? We leave in three weeks.”

“She probably has an aunt or a grandparent, or someone to take her. The social worker said it should only be a few days.”

Rosalie finally cuts in “Edward relax. The girl’s been through hell. She just needs a place to stay for a bit and acting like she is a burden is not going to help her. Besides it’s only temporary.”

“Exactly, only temporary.” Right?

Wrong. What they didn’t know was that the social worker never filed the case, nobody was notified and when it came time to move again she was just getting comfortable around the family. She was another child lost to the system. A mistake, but after all the girl had been through and how happy she made Rosalie and Esme, he couldn’t just leave her behind.

So that’s how you ended up with the Cullen family at 4 years old moving for what will certainly not be the last time. We’ll call it a happy accident. There was one big rule though that nobody was allowed to break: Nobody tell her.

This wasn’t actually the easiest rule to abide by because children are curious, and they say things they shouldn’t. The best example being that you noticed that your family’s eyes were all gold, but not yours. Your eyes are (e/c). Normal enough but not in your family. When asked Carlisle states that the eye color is a genetic defect and you don’t have it because you were adopted. You accepted this and many other explanations for strange occurrences in your house.

When you were around five the Volturi caught wind of your existence and to put it lightly they were not happy. They thought you were either an immortal child or at the very least you knew what they are and that means the Cullen family broke rule number one. Carlisle heard they were coming and had to call a family meeting. Edward sounded calmer than he really was.

“why do they even care about her? she’s a child! Do they think we turned her?”

“I don’t know why their coming, but they are an we need to put their mind at ease. We have nothing to fear Edward. We didn’t do anything wrong.” Rosalie joins in the conversation, voice laced with concern.

“I don’t know Carlisle, Edward’s right. Even if we didn’t do anything they don’t know that. We might be in big trouble”

“Who’s in trouble?” The family looks over to see (y/n) standing in the doorway to the living room. Esme takes care of this one.

“Nobody is in trouble dear. We just have some people coming over soon and we want to make sure they don’t think we broke any rules.”

“Who’s coming over?”

“Some extended family.”

“Do I get to meet them?” Esme looks at Carlisle for help. Edward tries to answer but Carlisle cuts him off

“absolutely n—"

“Yes, you do. Don’t worry dear everything is fine. Go back to bed”

“Okay. Goodnight”

They all say their goodnights and you go back upstairs to bed.

“How did none of us notice her?”

“We were too busy fighting, now Edward stop panicking it’s going to be fine”

“You’re going to get her, if not all of us killed.”

A few days later they did arrive. You met them in a field a few miles away from the house. They looked at you in confusion. Aro turned to Carlisle who stood far closer than normal to prevent (y/n) from overhearing any part of their conversation.

“She’s completely human.?”

“Yes. We ended up with her by accident she doesn’t know anything, and she doesn’t need to know anything. She’s perfectly normal and I would like to keep it that way.”

Jane cuts in, “How do explain us being here?”

“She thinks you’re extended family. Any question she’s had about appearances so far I’ve convinced her is nothing more than genetic defect. Eventually we’ll have to leave her but she’s a child with literally nowhere else to go.”

“Bring her here.” Carlisle looked back at you on Emmet’s shoulders laughing and hesitates. “We just want to speak with her. Bring her here and stand down.”

“(y/n), This is uncle Aro he and the others want to talk to you is that okay? I’ll be over there with the family if you need anything.”

“Okay.” You hop off Emmet’s Shoulders and run over to these new family members. “Hi. My name is (y/n) and I’m five. I’m adopted, but that’s okay cause my family loves me. You’re Uncle Aro right?”

“Yes dear.” You turn to Jane with a look of awe.

“What’s your name?”

“My name is Jane.”

“Hi Jane. You’re pretty.” Jane smiles slightly.

“Thank you.”

You turn back to Aro. “Carlisle said that you think he did something wrong, but he didn’t do anything. I promise. The whole family is really nice to me, and they would never hurt me. One time a boy pulled my hair and Emmet gave him a look so mean he ran away. I promise they didn’t do anything, and Carlisle said that if I shook your hand that you would know I wasn’t lying.” You hold your hand out and Aro takes it. He seems dazed for a moment before looking back down at you smiling.

“I believe you. How about you go back over to your family and send Carlisle back over here okay?”

“Okay.” You bound back over to your family and tell Carlisle to go back over to uncle Aro.

“So? What’s the decision?”

“She lives. But we’ll be visiting her every year to make sure she’s oblivious. Let’s see how long you can keep up this façade.”

“You know you can’t keep this up for her entire life Carlisle. Eventually she’ll have questions you can’t answer. She’ll either turn or she’ll die.”

“She will do neither Jane.”

“Suit yourself, but you know the rules. Don’t break them.”

“We will return this time next year. Be ready.”

“I will. Thank you. Goodbye.” Carlisle turns around to find you on the ground making a flower crown while Rosalie was braiding your hair. “(y/n) come say by to your cousins and uncle.”

“Okay.”

Given the circumstances you grow up pretty normal. You make friends in your classes while you’re at each school for a few years before the family comes up with some strange reason as to why you have to move. You’re bubbly and happy and appreciate the inherent sanctity of human life. You take up sewing as a hobby, learning it from Esme who enjoyed nothing more than teaching you. You tried to join sports like cheerleading but with all the moving team sports didn't work. Emmet however did take you rock climbing consistently so there was that outlet for all your energy. You even enjoy your yearly visits from the “other side of the family.” Making small gifts for them each time they visit. At one point you even asked if you could go visit them instead since they live in Italy, but Carlisle said no in such a way you knew better than to ask again. Jane begins to return the gifts you make with her own, sometimes bringing small trinkets or even clothing for you. Carlisle is surprised when you tell them his decision, and Jane actually looks disappointed that you can't visit them. For two more towns and 12 more years everything is great. Until It was time to move again this time to somewhere Carlisle liked to call home: Forks Washington.

[auncyen]

chasing dumb ideas from work lol

-

Ren’s Palace takes the form of a video game world, bright and zany.  The Shadows have their silhouettes color-coded according to difficulty, the cognitions are NPCs repeating stock dialogue--Mona pops up surprisingly often, considering he and Ren haven’t really hung out since May--and some of the logic used to progress is worthy of a click-and-point game.  Which means it’s lucky they have Futaba with them, since she’s the only Phantom Thief who understands the logic of click-and-point games.  Still, it’s such a breeze that it takes only three hours to reach the center of the stage, and Oracle complains they never even left the hand-holding tutorial.

Ren’s shadow smiles at them when they arrive, and hands Ryuji a controller for the P4Storm his parents took away from him and sold after his arrest.  “Wait--is this the Treasure?” Ryuji blurts.  “We didn’t give you a calling card, though.”

“Hmm...we did talk with him about what he thought the distortion might be, though,” Futaba muses.  “He’s the NPC who knows the most about our methods, so that might have accidentally triggered the effect.  Good thing we moved fast.”

The shadow nods at Futaba’s explanation.  “I didn’t want to give you guys too much trouble.  You’re my friends, after all.”

“Dude, you gave us no trouble at all,” Ryuji says with a laugh.  “You’re way too nice for your own good!”  Still, in this case, he’s relieved it’s not coming to a fight.  Ren’s a friend, and he hasn’t seemed all there lately--they might have curbstomped his shadow if it’d come to that, and wouldn’t that feel awful.

Ren’s shadow smiles shyly, and waves them off before disappearing in bright light.  The PT make their usual escape.  The Palace crumbles.

So does the controller in Ryuji’s hands.

-

Despite the alarm the crumbling treasure causes for the entire group, Ren seems to take his change of heart just fine, doesn’t even throw himself a week-long slumber party like Futaba did.  He stays home from school one day, Futaba reporting that he seems a bit sleepy but nothing too serious, and then the next day, Ren gives Ryuji a fist-bump and smile outside Shujin.  Ryuji grins and tackles him into a headlock.  He’s so glad the change of heart didn’t hurt Ren.  Ren’s his best friend.  The Phantom Thieves might have given Ryuji a reason to stay at Shujin and not drop out, but Ren’s pretty much an honorary Thief anyway, and he’s been running with Ryuji, and helping him deal with the track team’s problems, and he’s just so good at knowing exactly what to say to make people feel better.  Ryuji’s thrilled he could help Ren for once.

And then, days later, he gets a text from Makoto during class, which he knows is urgent because Makoto texting during class: “Ren is still logged in the MetaNav on my phone for some reason.  The location and distortion have been erased, but his name is still there.  Is anyone else seeing this?”

Yusuke starts typing.  Futaba and Ann chime in well before him that yes, they see it too.  Ryuji opens the Metanav on his phone.  Ren’s name is glaring on the screen, a partially-complete entry that shouldn’t be there at all.

“Class was that bad?” Ren asks when Ryuji trudges out of his classroom, prompting the blond to immediately shove the phone in his pocket.

“Uh, yeah,” Ryuji mutters.  “Hey, Ren, can we talk about the--uh--you-know-what?”

“The completely unsuspicious you-know-what, yes, what about it?” Ren answers, because oh good the change of heart gave him his sarcasm back.  Actually--that would be good news.  It means the change of heart worked and the Metanav’s got some random glitch.  “Let’s get off school grounds first.” 

Ryuji manages to only jump a little when his phone buzzes.

When he checks, the Metanav has accepted “school” as the distortion’s location, even though the Palace was actually at the scramble in Shibuya and, more importantly, doesn’t exist any longer.

They go to Leblanc, where Shiho and Futaba are both waiting to talk to Ren as well, which helps Ryuji with the conversation ahead.  It’s...kind of hard to muddle through ‘hey, we were trying to help you with your heart, but something might have gone wrong and we don’t know what’.  It both helps and doesn’t that Ren stays calm the entire time, doesn’t get worried or pissed off that they might have screwed up.  Wouldn’t a distorted person get mad?  Wouldn’t a normal person at least be nervous?

Then again, Ren’s always had nerves of steel underneath the nerdy glasses.  It never made sense to Ryuji why he didn’t awaken to a Persona when Ryuji and Ann and Shiho all could, not until they found his Palace.  He’s got the guts for it.

Futaba openly prods Ren on how he views the school, and he shakes his head.  “This must be a glitch.  You guys have already helped me.  I feel better, and everyone else has only needed their heart changed once.  Why would I be different?”

Shiho purses her lips but then agrees.  Ryuji feels a little antsy, wants to push but also wants to trust Ren, and even if the change of heart didn’t work for some reason, his friend is pushing back now.  Ren’s not hurting anyone.  His heart is his call just like Futaba’s was hers, and even the hacker, for all her curiosity, respects that.  They gotta drop it.

But it stays on the back of Ryuji’s mind for weeks as the entry stays in place, 2/3s complete, and everyone else is worried too because they all like Ren and something does seem a little off about him--like he’s trying too hard to be normal, to convince them everything is fine--and then apparently one morning, right before class starts, Ren startles Ann by leaning over her shoulder and drily reciting: “Ren Amamiya, Shujin Academy, theater”.

The keywords work, Ren supplying them is taken as an implicit request, and there’s a good chance their calling card timer is already running just like the first time, since Ren knows how they work after tagging along for most of the first Palace and helping them with supplies for later ones.  So they go.

-

Ren’s second Palace is a theater.  It’s completely different from the video game world, with dark, muted, traditional colors, yet unmistakably Ren’s, and Makoto has to get their navigators back on task several times because Morgana and Futaba are going nuts theorizing (because who has a second Palace to begin with?).  Luckily Shiho doesn’t have much trouble leading the group through anyway.  Once again, Ren’s Palace is weirdly easy.  The Shadows aren’t color-coded any longer, but they also don’t seem to care about the Thieves as long as they don’t interrupt the show on stage.  It’s...an improv show, Ryuji thinks?  Yusuke says it might be an avant garde direction on a play.  (Ryuji has no idea what the difference would be.)  What happens is Ren’s shadow is always acting, and sometimes a cognitive audience member will leave their seat and join him.  All of the Thieves are there, even Morgana, which the cat seems touched by, plus Mishima, and Ms. Kawakami, and Ms. Chouno, and Ryuji is about to question why Ren has the hots for so many teachers when Ushimaru gets up and that thought becomes cursed, and the newspaper club girl, and that cute gardening club girl, and actually, Ryuji still thinks Ren has some kind of bias for hot girls going on here.  Even if the (former) stalker girl is pushing it.

That’s probably nothing to do with the Palace distortion though, since Ren’s interactions are always a simple back-and-forth with the cognition: they request something of him, even if it’s just to talk, and Ren obliges them admirably, or sometimes he acts as though he’s ignoring them at first, only to swoop in at the last second and give them something even better than they asked for.  It’s interesting maybe the first couple times?  Morgana stands out again because his cognition nags Ren to study and make infiltration tools, something Morgana says he’s never done, which makes sense because Ren is one of those aggravating people who never needs to study to ace exams and Shiho’s always made the infiltration tools just fine.   After Morgana, though, it just falls into a predictable pattern, and the only reason to keep watching is to see who else comes up to stage.  And once cognitive guest stars start repeating, the Thieves are out.  Every improv act has been slightly different, but the flow is so obvious that it’s become mind-numbingly repetitive anyway.

They sneak past security into the back halls and find a dressing room.  Futaba and Morgana both detect the Treasure inside.  There’s a white-and-black domino mask sitting on a vanity in a dark corner of the room that both navigators swear up and down has to be the Treasure.  It almost seems appropriate for a Thief mask.  Maybe because Ren’s seen most of the team’s?  It fits the theater setting, at least, but...

“Are we just...taking this?” Ann questions, with an uncertain look around the dressing room.  “Seriously?  His Shadow’s not even going to talk to us?”

“I would not complain about us being proper thieves and going undetected for once,” Yusuke points out.

“Okay, point, but it just...feels like I understand Ren less than I did before the video game place.”  Ann sighs.  “I thought he was just a quiet guy, but he saw part of Tokyo as a game?  Now he’s acting with everyone at school?  I wish I got what it actually meant...”

“We can ask him about it later,” Shiho reassures her.  “Right now we just have to take the Treasure.”

That suits Ryuji.  They take it.  The Palace collapses.

The mask crumbles in Shiho’s hands as soon as they reach the real world, and she makes a small noise of distress.  Morgana and Ryuji spit out the same curse in a rare moment of heartfelt unity.  Futaba, on the other hand, just whips out her phone.  “Hey-hey,” their navigator says, “Guess who doesn’t want to leave the Metanav?”

-

Ren is sympathetic with his thief friends not being able to steal a Treasure, which feels wildly inappropriate to Ryuji because it’s Ren’s heart in question here.  Ryuji thinks in his shoes, he’d be losing his mind.  Ryuji’s in his own shoes and he’s still losing his mind a little, because the only answer the group can come up with for what’s going on is that Ren’s somehow got three distortions.

No, sorry.  It’s that he has at least three.  Three may not be the magic number.  Ren doesn’t seem to think it is, anyway, because now he puts down his foot.  “I’m not hurting anyone.  I’m fine.”

“Yeah, you weren’t even down for a day like last time,” Futaba mutters, giving him such a suspicious look that Shiho nudges the girl.  Ren is their friend, and he’s been helping them be Phantom Thieves.  They’ve got no good reason to antagonize him.

Ren gives her a long, silent look before shaking his head.  “You guys should be figuring out your next target.”

They should be.

They do.

Ren helps them less with supplies this time.  Ryuji wonders if it’s because of the distortion, and then he catches himself and realizes he’s been wondering if everything with Ren is because of a distortion or not.  It’s probably not even Ren’s fault.  They’re just not talking to him about Thief business as much, since...yeah.  The only upshot might be that Morgana has been making some effort to get to know Ren better.  Because Morgana was a jerk when they first found him--he’s still a jerk sometimes, but even Ryuji would say he’s gotten a lot better--and he pretty much brushed Ren off in favor of people who were actually awakening to Personas, like everyone else.  They never really argued or anything, though, and apparently judging by Ren’s Palace...s, Ren’s fond of him, and Morgana seems to have finally realized that sometimes, making friends is its own reward, even if they can’t wield kickass Personas.  So that’s a thing, now, Shiho passing Morgana off to Ren so they can trot off and do whatever people do together when one of them is a cat (apparently watch movies, get food, fish, and just talk).

And that’s why when Morgana says “I think I know Ren’s keywords” at the start of a Phantom Thieves meeting, Ryuji blurts out “I thought you stopped being an asshole” with a disappointment so deep that it kind of surprises him, because, wow, he really had been expecting that Morgana was just trying to be nice and not obsessed about Palaces and Treasures for once, huh?

Morgana blinks at him across the table.  “I have never been an asshole,” he says, outright lying.  “Though there are a few things I could say about you--”

“Morgana,” Shiho says, heading off that argument.  She looks upset, too.  “We don’t have any reason to pursue Ren’s Treasure.  He’s not hurting anyone.  He...seems to be doing all right,” though the hesitation is audible in her voice, and quickly followed with, “and even if he isn’t, it’s his heart.  You’re not getting a unanimous vote here, and if this is why you’ve been friendlier to him lately, I... don’t know what to say, except that I thought you were better than that.”

There are two Phantom Thieves who can scold Morgana and actually make him feel ashamed: Ann and Shiho.  Sure enough, she lands a critical hit; Morgana’s ears pin back, and he nearly ducks down under the table to escape her stare before stopping himself.  “I’m not asking for a vote,” Morgana says.  “If we took his treasure it’d probably just crumble again.  But I want to check if I’m right about the keywords.  It could be critical information.”

There is a long moment of silence.   As much as Ryuji’s still pissed off at Morgana, he can’t deny being curious.  If they at least knew the keywords, even if they didn’t go in, they’d understand Ren better, right?  Though...after how the last two distortions went...

As it turns in, they go in anyway, because Makoto taps on her phone to open the Metanav, places it in front of Morgana, and when he utters “Tokyo, Metaverse,” the app responds “beginning navigation”, and--

“Fascinating,” Yusuke says.

“That’s not the f-word I’d use,” Ryuji says.

“Huh, Kaneshiro’s Palace is here,” Morgana notes, because that is indeed an effing bank flying through the sky, narrowly avoiding a blimp.  The cat continues getting down to business despite the absurdity of the situation he just launched everyone into.  “That means both that he’s seen it, and that his mental map of the Metaverse isn’t accurate.  It might be based on his most recent memory?  We never brought him in the bank, though.  What do you think, Or--”  He stops when he actually turns to Futaba and sees her face.  She’s paler than usual.  “...Oracle?  Are you okay?”

“My Palace is there,” she says, pointing in the direction where Yongen Jaya would lie.  The golden tip of a pyramid gleams over dozens of other riotously colorful, stylistically mishmashed buildings.  “How does he know what my Palace looked like?  How does he know about any of these?  There’s at least two hundred--maybe three!”

Three hundred palaces is a stupid number of Palaces for anyone to personally remember, but it’s especially stupid for a guy who doesn’t even have the Nav on his phone.

-

the idea: “if persona users simultaneously having a Palace can be justified with wildcards having multiple personas (for one to turn into a shadow while the others remain to use), what kind of shitshow would Ren create if all his Personas just--” and then ng+ shenanigans wandered in

[slightlyaggressiveaffirmations]

Can I request some advice and affirmations on how to communicate to people that I need specific information (due to how my brain works due to two disabilities I have) instead of vague information?

Hi Anon!

I’m so sorry it’s taken me a while on this one! Every time I go to do affirmations, I spy it on the list and think “I need to help that person!” but as it happens, I’ve really been struggling to communicate lately. I’m in the down part of my bipolar cycle, and my communication skills suffer. So - YES, I actually am equipped to give you some advice.

I have some cognitive processing problems, and they often affect my memory, reading comprehension and verbal communication skills - especially when I’m tired or anxious - and so I’ve developed a whole lot of strategies I can share with you.

First of all:

YOU ARE NOT “STUPID” AND YOU ARE NOT “SLOW”!!!

I don’t believe in “stupid”, first of all. It’s not a thing. But even if it was, you still would not be it. And even someone like me, whose mouth can be a little bit slow to catch up to their brain is not “slow” - because that’s a mean insult and it’s intended to make us feel bad about ourselves because we don’t always act the way others do. Well, so fucking what, Anon!? All that means is we’re getting by in the same world as everyone else, but with things just that little bit harder. And that makes us METAL AS FUCK!!!

Now, some Hot Tips!

1. The simplest explanation is the best. You don’t need to go into detail about what your disabilities are or why you need information communicated in a certain way. It’s OK just to say you need it. Something like “Just so you know, I have a disability that causes some issues with my comprehension. I need you to give me very specific, exact instructions. If I need more information, I will have to ask you questions.” Some people might ask you what your disability is. But they don’t actually need to know - the fact you have one and it causes this problem (and this is the solution) is all that’s relevant. So...

2. Know your rights. Find out what the law about discrimination is, as well as the policies of your workplace or school, or wherever else is relevant. My university, for example, has a policy that I must be registered with the disability services centre with medical documentation and they give me an advocate who then applies for the assistance I need. The school’s policy is that the teaching staff have to comply with my assistance arrangements and are not entitled to know what my disability is. Very often, I choose to tell them anyway, because I find it helps if they understand the problem. But it is useful to be aware that if someone says to me “I’m not going to give you these notes unless you explain why you need them”, I have the right to say - “No. You MUST give them to me, and I can call my advocate.”

You might find you’ve got a boss demanding to know your disability and the HR rules say you actually do have to tell them. Which sucks, but at least you’d know and knowledge is power. You can go into a conversation prepared and not get blindsided.

3. Scripts are good. Scripts get some shit. That’s some neurotypical ableist Non Sense. Scripts are fucking great. Here’s one of mine for the first time I attend a staff meeting in a new workplace:

“I just want to let you know that I have a disability that causes some problems with my cognitive processing, so sometimes I struggle to take in a lot of verbal information all at once. So, if you see me closing my eyes, I’m not falling asleep - I’m just shutting out the visual stimuli so my brain has more space to take in what people are saying. I’m not rude, I promise!”

I have it memorised - I don’t always 100% use the exact same words, but it always goes in that basic structure. I’ve learned it, and now I can be sure I get out all the information that is needed. This is good for other people (they don’t think the new girl is an asshole falling asleep in her first meeting) and it’s good for me (I don’t go in feeling anxious af). Scripts reduce anxiety, and if communicating your needs is harder when you’re anxious - scripts are IDEAL for you.

4. Be prepared. You know what the problem is, what the solution is and how you can best be helped. In your case, you could have something written down that you can give people. Write a guide (get someone to help if you need). Make a thing that says: “DON’T give me instructions like this” and “DO give me instructions like this”. Then no one can claim you didn’t tell them or weren’t upfront about your needs.

I have it built into my employment contracts - upfront at that early stage I ask them to put in a clause that says that if I’m not given an instruction in writing, I can’t be held responsible. It’s written in whatever language suits the employer, but basically, I tell them “My memory is shit. I don’t know what I’m told, so you have to write it down, or it doesn’t get done.” And no employer has ever objected to this - they’ve all found it to be a reasonable clause. I am honest and unapologetic and I ask with confidence because:

5.  YOU’RE A FUCKING LEGEND! This isn’t your fault. There’s no shame here. You are just as capable as anyone else of doing the thing - you just need to be given the instructions in a particular way. If someone won’t do that, THEY are not helping you to do your best work. That makes them shit at the thing - because how are you supposed to be your hella competent, excellent rad as fuck career cobra/study snake/achievement alligator if they aren’t going to take a minute to give you instructions in the proper fucking way you asked them to? Frankly, they’re letting everyone down. Including you.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you, Anon. Stay rad as fuck, and please enjoy this very safe, socially distanced, retro, cyberspace solidarity fistbump!

- The Slightly Aggressive Affirmer

[vendettacanons]

Did you like the ending to Little Hope?

// This is an unpopular opinion apparently, but yeah! Overall, I think Little Hope was a massive massive improvement from Man of Medan. Granted, it still fell into some of the same flaws and holes as Man of Medan.

// Putting things under a cut bc SPOILERS, and also because I got super emotional and really in-depth with a psychoanalysis portion of this.

// The game felt more beautiful and polished than the first admittedly. I liked the environment and lighting improvements. Man of Medan was well done, but Little Hope goes it just felt much more natural and at home.

// As far as flaws— The characters from the first game were a bit more memorable in a sense (at least Conrad, Fliss, and Brad were in my opinion) but don’t get me wrong, that is a low bar. I haven’t found any characters from the games thus far particularly noteworthy, memorable, or in fact... likable in any way really. It feels like we just never get to know them enough to actually form an opinion on them. And the traits they’re given don’t really match up with the dialogue options. Which, in Man of Medan, there really isn’t an excuse for. In Little Hope, it’s better explained that they aren’t real— the people represent caricatures of traits the bus driver exhibits. They’re symbols more than anything.

// The game follows two intertwined storylines that are actually blended together quite nicely, which is impressive because that is something that is hard to do without feeling forced (Outlast 2 I’m looking at you). And yeah, it does have its cliches and its moments where things feel very rough or make little sense, I won’t ignore those. The game definitely has its lapses in logic. And yes, it is very frustrating how a character can survive the whole game and die at the end— I was PISSED when I saw that happen but once I saw the ending it made sense why. The death of the characters means an incomplete story arc— or certain traits of the bus driver that were never addressed and thus were not given proper closure.

// I know a lot of people seemed to dislike the ending for one reason or another. A lot of people felt it was a copout and I know more than a few did not like the idea of “oh it was mental illness all along :/”. But personally, I loved that. I’m not sure what mental illness in particular the bus driver was dealing with, but I believe it was schizophrenia. And honestly, the game handled it so well in my opinion. It didn’t glorify it or use it as a scapegoat or demonize it, it didn’t use it as a last minute explanation, the ending cutscenes with Vince literally show that it was the underlying cause of everything the entire time and we just never put it together. Which is exactly what the characters felt too. We were experiencing things from a first-person perspective, while trying to figure things out from a third-person perspective, and that really hit me because that is what it’s like to be schizophrenic. It is trying to rationalize what your mind is conjuring up, trying to understand that it isn’t real when it feels so, so convincingly tangible. And that’s another part of it the ending captured well. People with schizophrenia often don’t have any idea that what they’re seeing isn’t real, and so being snapped out of it can be just as jarring for them as it was for us when we realized the truth.

// A lot of people don’t think the game’s display of it was realistic for a lot of reasons, but the truth is, it’s surprisingly realistic in its portrayal. I liken it to ‘A Beautiful Mind’ a lot and I’ll explain why.

1) The town’s history includes witch trials like those mentioned in Salem. If you’ve ever seen or read the very popular Crucible, which features an interpretation of the witch trials the game is based off, then it explains why the flashbacks happen. Knowledge of certain events that one is familiar with tend to impact what kinds of hallucinations someone with schizophrenia may have.

2) The traumatic events at the beginning. We know the bus driver is the sole survivor of a fire that killed his entire family. He was falsely blamed for it even after he was cleared of charges and still holds guilt over not being able to save anyone from his family and is haunted by a result, which is why he has these hallucinations of friends that share the appearance of his family, and why he keeps seeing their faces everywhere— in flashbacks, in photos— everywhere. The idea of hallucinating entire people or having grand delusions, while not particularly common among most schizophrenics, is still very much something that many experience, especially if they’ve been traumatized or are untreated. He even acknowledges that it’s his family he’s seeing if he saves Mary and persecutes the priest in the last flashbacks.

3) The demons. A lot of people think it fell in line with the stereotype that schizophrenics “see monsters” and this disliked it. And again, while this is not always the case, there are many cases of this happening. In the worst cases, schizophrenics have reported seeing horrible disfigured people and creatures, and these are usually created by perceptions that are more or less the same as when you see a creepy-shaped shadow in your room in the dark. They can sometimes be based off of things seen in movies, in horror events, or culminated by other experiences, but the bottom line is that they can be conjured by the mind. And in the game, they serve as a symbol of guilt. They are the embodiment of “inner demons”, and they will kill whatever characters don’t finish their arc of progression it seems.

4) Repetitive cycles. Schizophrenics tend to see patterns. Not everyone of course, but noticing patterns and repeating them is a common trait. (Again, think ‘A Beautiful Mind’: the scenes where he looks for code patterns and keeps seeing Game Theory everywhere). The deaths of the characters and their Witch Trial doubles coincide with how the family died at the beginning: Daniel’s og died on the fence, his double died on a fence, he can die by being spreared by his demon, the father was crushed to death, the Witch Trial Version was crushed to death, John can have his neck snapped, etc. These “patterns of thought” are another common sign in schizophrenics. Seeing or doing things over and over again. His families faces is the big tie-in really.

5) Smaller note: Identity. As with everything else on this list, this doesn’t apply to all schizophrenics but many do hallucinate their own identities when they are deluding. Hence why the bus driver keeps seeing a younger version of himself. This is not so common as the other symptoms but it exists.

// Overall, Little Hope seemed like a massive improvement from Man of Medan, and while I normally don’t like the idea of mental illness being used as a giant plot hook, in Little Hope it was done tactfully and respectfully. It provided the blueprint for an engaging storyline and was addressed in a manner that was clearly very well-researched. It was not made light of in any sort of way, and it still managed to provide for a very entertaining game experience while also providing a very deep message: ‘we all have to confront our pasts and lay them to rest at some point. It’s never too late to forgive yourself.’ To me, Little Hope was amazing and I was genuinely brought to tears because of how close to home it hit, and how it told such a good story of someone with a mental illness I’m all too familiar with. Words can’t describe how much it meant to me to see a story being portrayed like that with such tact.

// And again, this is just my opinion on everything. These are just my interpretations of events that happen and connections I made while playing. I haven’t even addressed a lot of things in the game but if I did this post would be even longer so let me just leave it at: yes, I like Little Hope a lot. It has a special place in my heart, it made me cry, and I highly recommend it to anyone looking for a good horror game experience. Also, if you haven’t, please go watch ‘A Beautiful Mind’. I don’t normally mention movies as a primary source, but that movie is based off of the true story of John Nash and was pulled from his biography. It’s very eye-opening and beautiful.

// And also as a disclaimer: I am not a professional psychologist or anything. My facts are based solely off of my own research, my own consultations with professionals, and first-hand experiences (with undifferentiated schizophrenia specifically). Pls don’t take what I say as fact, do your own research, talk to professionals for more insight, and take what I say with a grain of salt. Your Mileage May Vary and that’s okay. ❤️

[gossamerandshadow]

Zane frowns at the light purple and green egg on his desk. Why would such a thing be in the Survival Class? Are they going to cook it? Everyone's eggs seem to be slightly different and the Potion's teacher is in the room. Are some poisonous? Are they going to have to figure out which ones? Is someone going to end up in the hospital before the class is over?

"Settle down, class," Miss Valentine begins bored, not really caring if the noise diminishes. “As I’m sure you’ve all realised by now, it’s time for the annual egg assignment.

He glances around. There are some confused faces, much like his own, but most of his classmates do seem to be at least partially aware of whatever the assignment is. Or, at the very least, not care about it.

Most of his… training mates seem annoyed at the task with the exception of Rahela  and Icefand who seem absolutely thrilled.

"For the next… let's say 2 months, you are to take your little bundle of joy everywhere with you and make sure it hatches into a healthy specimen." The other Miss Valentine takes over with a big smile and tone that sounds more appropriate for a kindergarten class rather than one full of the 13 year olds they are, hovering slightly off the ground.

Is this the Mirtran version of the pretend an egg/doll/bag of something is a baby so you realise you aren't ready to become a parent and don't have sex thing he sometimes saw on TV back home? Wait! Did she say they hatch!?

"Now, the assignment will not be over until the 2 months pass, so I wouldn't try to hurry them if I were you."

"On the other hand," the Survival teacher continues the explanation, "this' an excellent opportunity to practice fighting with a truly defenceless dead weight holding you down so keep your guard up. Any student who manages to destroy someone else's charge'll get a reward. Whoever loses their charge will get detention."

*

The walk back to the Palace from home was completely nerve wrecking!

So many students thinking of smashing his egg. What a feat it would be to destroy the egg of the marked one! But he? - for Zane could clearly feel the confusion still present in everyone's mind - is still so fresh! So weak. Maybe we should wait? Let him finish it. Nourish it. Wouldn't it be funny? Does he know? I hope no one tells him.

Gosh! How Zane wishes he could block the thoughts, so loud and filled with ill intentions towards him!

It's with great relief he closes the door to the Palace and his mind is finally alone, with only his own thoughts to break the silence.

He stays like that for a moment, holding the egg gently in his arms with his back against the solid wood doors breathing deeply as he calms down.

"What do you have there?" The soft echoey voice of Queen Flora brings him back to the world.

She's walking down the hall holding her long green princess dress with pink roses, the golden tiara reminiscent of a flower crown sparkling on her long wavy pink hair.

"An egg," Zane shows her. "I have to care for it for 2 months."

"Oh-? Oh," she offers him a sad smile, lowering herself to both see it better and be at his level. "I never really understood the point of that assignment. It was Princess Sarah's idea, did you know? Although, I must say, I don't think it has ever had the same impact since the first time we did it. I wish you luck with your task."

"I can raise an egg!" Zane cannot help but feel insulted at the Queen's words. "I grew up on a farm. I was in charge of the chickens…!"

Her dark blue eyes sparkle, amused with his reply. "Fair," she straightens up. "Maybe you'll fare better than expected."

*

The following days everyone's eggs slowly hatch. Lilian gets a fire phoenix which her icy companion finds to be a nuisance while Rahela hatches a tiny little black snake she wraps on her neck. It lasts only until the 1st training - she completely forgets it's there and drains it dead.

Ylva and Icefan both get lizards, one fragile but venomous the other slow but sturdy.

Zane's egg is one of the last to hatch. It opens to reveal a small purple and green dragon, the size of a newly born kitten.

Having the baby dragon to care for is a nice change of pace. It gives him something to focus on, to keep his mind away from how much he misses his family. The small critter needs him.

*

Zane takes the small dragon everywhere. It is the assignment, after all. But, more than that, it's just… nice. It's nice having the little hatchling with him, either on his arm or the little bag he bought to carry it around or even on his shoulder once the darling is strong enough to stay there.

And, since they're always together, why not talk to it? Tell it about what he's doing, recite it his school work. Maybe even share some fond memories of his life before Mirtran.

And it listens with such big and curious eyes! They're such a darling! Zane knows the dragon will likely be taken some place else once the two months are up, but surely there's nothing wrong in giving it a nickname in the meantime. It's just weird not calling it by a proper name.

So he names the little dragon Sugarplum.

*

The others shake their head once they realise he named his task. Such a dumb thing to do, they think. He's not the only one but that he did it seems to be almost an insult. How could the marked one be so stupid?

"You don't think I'm stupid, do you, Sugarplum?" Zane asks his charge late at night while they're both laying in bed under the cover, the small dragon purring happily as Zane scratches them under their chin.

He probably shouldn't be letting them sleep with him, but it's not like they were given any instructions other than《Raise them》and he let Cookie sleep in his bed. And Sugarplum is just as worthy of it as Cookie was.

Gosh! How Zane misses his family and pup.

"I'm gonna miss you, you know? I wish I could keep you once this thing is over. Or at least visit you. Honestly, I think you're the closest thing to an actual friend I have in this god forsaken place. You are my friend, right, Sugarplum?"

"Fiend."

Zane sits upright on the bed. Did Sugarplum…? "Did you just say friend?"

"Fiend!"

Can dragons speak!?

*

"Fiend! Fiend!" Sugarplum squeals happy.

"Oh my. I knew your little charge was rare but I did not think it was this much!" Queen Flora watches it with worry in her eyes. "I wonder just how Dandelion got her hands in one of these…"

"Was I supposed to teach them how to talk? Cause I didn't think they could…! Should they speak more by now? Or are they just like a parrot…?"

"Oh, Zane, darling. No…! You-you should not be teaching your task. You really, really shouldn't. And you really shouldn't be getting attached."

"I know," Zane can't help rolling his eyes. "I know I can only keep Sugarplum till the 2 months are up. I can be friends with them and say goodbye when they go to their new home."

"Oh, Zane… haven't you realised it yet?" Queen Flora places a hand on his shoulder and squeezes lightly. "Sugarplum isn't going nowhere. When the time is over, you're going to kill them and harvest their body for potions."

"What!? Why didn't they tell us…?!"

"It's part of the assignment - to learn sometimes you must sacrifice what you hold dear. If you don't know how it ends then you won't  stop yourself from caring for the charge." She tucks a loose strand of hair behind his ears. "It never quite had the same element of surprise since that 1st time, but still must be done."

Zane can't help the tears that begin to fall from his eyes. "What-what potions can Miss Valentine do with Sugarplum?"

"Honestly? I don't know. I don't think Sugarplum is from our corner of the staircase. She can either make great new discoveries or just make dragon soup."

"Would the discoveries help people…?"

Queen Flora sighs. "No. Even if Dandelion manages a proper potion, dragons like Sugarplum are not easy to come by. We will not be able to replicate any results she might get."

Zane picks up Sugarplum and holds them close to his chest. 

*

"I failed the egg assignment," Zane proclaims to Professor Valentine of the Survival class who raises a blond eyebrow.

"You have your assignment purring on your arms. How in Queen Flora's sake have you failed?"

"I know how it ends and I'm not doing it! I'm keeping Sugarplum." He replies defiant, perhaps more than necessary but he is simply not killing the sweet dragon for nothing!

So the marked one had bonded with the thing. He sure was different from Serenity - she killed her charge with zero hesitation. Her sister though, the evil one they should have put down the moment they found her, she refused. And, for that, she was a target for the rest of the school year.

"Refusing to harvest your charge has consequences."

"I don't care."

"For the rest of the school year anyone who manages to attack you with non lethal or permanent damage will get extra credit. It will not matter if it's within school boundaries or not. And we're still quite a few months away from the Summer." Back with Morgana it had been a loophole, an opportunity to let everyone give her what she deserved. Now… now it's a challenge. Just how far is the runt willing to suffer for the dragon? He might be weak, but he's not stupid. He knows he's in for a bad time if he goes through with this.

Zane cannot help the fear that crushes his heart at the woman's words. It's already difficult with the school divided by everyone in class. To have everyone out for his blood…

"I don't care." Still he repeats his words.

[jckelly]

para; “where have you been?”

aka a very long explanation as to where demon child has been and some of his backstory. for the record: he’s been off school for a month. 

[TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR MENTIONS OF DEATH, DRUGS, AB*SE, AND NEGLECT.]

Weather. There was one thing America did right, not that Jack would admit it. It was late April, the months tapping on the door of Spring at this point, but naturally England had taken no notice. The sky was as bleak as his mood, with dense clouds suffocating the sun and a light drizzle of rain landing on the shoulders of those outside.

 It was a painfully small number of people to get wet, to be honest. Barely five mourners stood over the graveside: himself, Claire and George, the latest social worker, and the vicar. (Barely, because did the vicar count, considering it was his job? Perhaps now wasn’t quite the time to be pedantic.) Jack tugged down the sleeves of the too-large black sweater George had lent him. He’d said no to getting a suit, fuck knows his mum would have taken the piss out of him dressed smart, but even beyond that: it felt fundamentally wrong for him to accept help from them for anything related to her. She would have hated that. He hated it enough as it was. Still, he’d let Claire talk him out of wearing a shirt with a skull on it - “Jack, that’s macabre”- and thrown on the ill fitting clothes she’d handed him, the ones she’d clearly brought with him in mind anyway. Compromises could be made.

The look she’d given him when he’d emerged from his room with the clothes on had screamed call me your mother. He’d considered it. They’d been kind enough, when they first met him, given him all the you’re thirteen, we get it, you don’t have to call me mum if you don’t want to. But who bothered taking in a kid if they didn’t want to be recognised as a parent? He knew he could do it, if he really wanted. And Claire would probably cry happy tears and give him one of those hugs where he felt like he was about to be strangled to death, and George would join in and be so proud of him, and all of that crap. But the word would still get stuck in Jack’s throat every time he said it. It felt wrong to be calling someone else mum when his real mum was about to rapidly become worm food. 

“We are gathered here today….” Jack wasn’t even listening to whatever shit the priest was spouting. He’d have a few changes to make, if he were the one saying it. We are gathered here today because a junkie got her last fucking fix and what do you know, it went and killed her. Aren’t we lucky we dragged her dumbass kid out before he overdosed too! Harsh words didn’t make him feel any better, unsurprisingly, but in his opinion words did fuck all to make anyone feel better, ever. They were just a way for people to feel better about themselves, feel like good people. He’d had enough comforting words to last a fucking lifetime. 

“Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.” The priest finished his monologue and nodded, and Jack dumped a handful of soil onto the coffin. Particles stuck to his hand, and he wiped them on George’s smart black jumper, watching just to see if he could get a reaction out of him. His adopted father’s eye twitched, but he said nothing. Jack wondered how much he could get away with right now. George was usually easy to wind up: he hated mess. He hated Jack’s hair, always wanting to take him to a proper barber, get it done all smart so he’d look like a carbon copy of him. He hated Jack’s style, too - do your top button up! You look like a Mick Jagger tribute act! On particularly tense days, Jack played it up, wearing the tightest jeans he could squeeze himself into and drawing messy black lines around his eyes, just to piss him off further. Claire never let him get too mad, though. He’s expressing himself, she would say. Bullshit. All Jack was expressing was his desire to see how far he could go. How long before George would hit him? How long before he gave up on him? Everyone had a limit. Jack had learned that early on, as evidenced by the remains of his teacher in the casket being lowered to the ground. 

“Do you want to go get some food?” Claire asked, as they exited the graveyard. “You haven’t eaten all day, you need energy-“

“I’d rather just go to bed,” Jack mumbled by way of response.

“It’s eleven am, Jack. You have to eat sometime.”

“I didn’t sleep well.” 

Claire sighed, and Jack could feel a rant coming on. She was prone to speeches, he’d had at least three since they touched down at the airport, usually revolving around the same themes. It’s okay to have emotions, Jack; it’s okay to be sad, Jack; we’re here for you, Jack. He always had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. She meant well, but fuck was it cliché. 

“It’s understandable that you’re upset,” she began. “But you need to take care of yourself.”

“Save it.” He snapped. Where the sudden anger had come from, he didn’t know, but he was unable to pull it back in. “You’re not my real mother.” 

The words became tinged with regret almost as soon as he’d let them out, but there was no going back. Jack sighed, and turned, heading off in the direction of the car. He didn’t know if Claire and George would follow, but he doubted they’d have a go at him this time. He got a free pass for being an asshole on account of the whole dead mother thing. Maybe he should start taking advantage of that in other situations. 

Had he been this bitter when they’d met him? He’d been a skinny thirteen year old (few things had changed) and came with a warning from the social worker. Troubled was the word they’d used. Jack preferred difficult. He’d ran away three times in the first month of being fostered, and those were only the successful times. Claire had refused to put a lock on his door, though. She believed in freedom, she’d told him. And compromises. But the compromises never involved letting him go see his mom. 

Why would you want to go see her? A trainee social worker had accidentally asked him one time. It was a fair question, to be honest; he hadn’t even minded. He’d been in and out of custody from the moment he was born. She’d be clean for a bit, take care of him, go back to the drugs, and neglect him again and he’d get taken back into foster care. When she lost custody and rights of visitation for the final time on Jack’s eleventh birthday, the children’s home staff had congratulated him. But they didn’t understand. She was his mum. It didn’t matter to him. She cared about him. She knew he preferred Oasis over The Beatles, and that his favourite colour was yellow, and that he could read better if she typed the words white on black instead of black on white. She never hit him as hard as they claimed she did. And he knew, unequivocally, that if he abandoned her she would die. 

“We’re moving to America.” The words had come as a surprise, rather than a shock. He knew Claire was from a rich family on the Upper East Side of New York, he figured a trip might come after the adoption went through, even if he hadn’t anticipated a full on move. But it made sense. He’d left for a week after his fifteenth birthday, without a word; when the police had knocked on the door of his mother’s house he’d been fucking scared out of his mind. Claire and George had been scared, he knew that. They’d made him do drugs tests, all of that crap, enrol in outpatient therapy when those tests came back with weak positives. “We got your papers sorted, and we found you a good school.” They’d made it sound like such a treat, but all Jack could feel was a sinking feeling in his chest. 

Two years later and here he was, watching out of the car window as they moved progressively further away from his mother’s grave. Would an I told you so be too inappropriate?

[majesticmarais]

Celebrity Crushing (D.S)

Summary:  Y/n’s celebrity crush and recent friend, Dylan O’Brien, strikes a hint of jealousy in her boyfriend, which leads to a heated argument

Warnings? Just some swearing as usual and I didn’t proof read so potential typos

Word Count: 2.1k

A/n: I haven’t written an imagine in literally FOREVER so this is probably actual garbage. Anywho I hope the few of you who are still active enjoy reading this :) I also have to redo the tag list because I forgot who’s on it so let me know if you want to be added!

"Do I look okay?” you asked Daniel when you saw his figure appear in the reflection behind you as you smoothed out the shirt you had just put on.

“Beautiful as always, where are you going?” he asked.

“Didn’t I already tell you?” you asked, being pretty sure you already mentioned your plans, “Dylan invited me over with some people, just a casual hang out.”

“So why do you care about looking good?” Daniel asked, laughing slightly as he rested his head on your shoulder, placing a gentle kiss in the crook of your neck.

“I don’t know, because they’re all like...popular and cooler than me,” you joked, turning around and getting your things ready to be able to go meet everyone.

“Not true, are really cool boyfriends allowed?” he asked, raising his eyebrows at you suggestively.

“I didn’t ask Dyl, but I could if you want me to,” you shrugged. 

Daniel felt a tinge of jealousy rise when he heard the nickname you had given to Dylan. He didn’t care that you were friends with other guys, you were super close with all the other band members and had guy friends of your own, but Dylan was different.

He had been your celebrity crush for the longest time. Being a huge fan of Teen Wolf and the Maze Runner series as well, Dylan O’Brien was someone you lowkey fangirled over, and Daniel knew it.

He never had a problem with it, because obviously everyone has celebrity crushes, and Daniel found it almost amusing how you reacted when you saw pictures or watched him on screen.

You had actually met Dylan for the first time a few months back at an event you both ended up being at. After talking there for a while, you both exchanged numbers and became friends.

Obviously you were ecstatic, and thought he was a really awesome person, but Daniel sometimes had different feelings towards the friendship you and Dylan had started.

“Dyl?” Daniel said under his breath, rolling his eyes a little. He noticed you didn’t hear him, and was sort of grateful for that in the moment.

“He says you can come,” you smiled, reaching your arm out to him, waiting for him to take your hand, “we have to go now though, I’m already gonna be late!”

Dylan opened his front door, cheering loudly when he saw you, pulling you into a tight hug, which you happily reciprocated.

“Hey Daniel,” he grinned, pulling Daniel in for a hug as well before stepping away from the doorway, letting you both through into the beautiful house. You admired the art hanging on the walls as you walked down the hall into the living room, where people were already sprawled out on couches, snacks and drinks in hand.

You and Daniel found a spot on the couch after greeting everyone who had already arrived, and picked up on the conversation they were having.

“Y/N I was actually telling them about when we first met and how we became friends and stuff,” Dylan said as he sat on the other side of you.

“Yeah definitely did not expect to actually become friends but I’m happy we did,” you grinned, hitting his side lightly with your elbow, earning a laugh from him in return.

Dylan grabbed the popcorn bowl you had placed on your lap, shoving a handful in his mouth.

“Asshole did I say you could take that?” you challenged. You reached over to grab it back but Dylan pulled it away, leaving it out of reach.

“I didn’t know I needed your permission,” Dylan teased and you reached again, being unable to reach it from where you were sitting.

You climbed over him, slightly sitting on his lap, grabbing the bowl and throwing a few pieces at his face before taking your spot back beside Daniel, who’s eyebrows were furrowed as he watched your interaction beside him.

“You’re such a shit,” you laughed as Dylan tossed a piece of popcorn back at you, a smirk dancing across his face.

Daniel stayed pretty quiet most of the time, and couldn’t help but get upset over you and Dylan. To him, it always seemed like you were teasing each other flirtatiously, and you had so much to say and laughed at everything Dylan said. Daniel felt as if you forgot he was even there sitting next to you, except for the few times he joined in conversations or you turned back to give him a smile.

You, on the other hand, didn’t think anything of it, but noticed after a while that Daniel was being unusually quiet, and he wasn’t often shy in social situations like this one.

“What’s up?” you mumbled to him, making sure no one was able to hear, but everyone else was talking, so you knew there wouldn’t be a problem.

“Nothing,” he shrugged, not really wanting to get into it because he knew it was stupid for him to be upset over something like this.

“I know you, Danny, it’s not nothing,” you sighed, not wanting him to be passive aggressive with you even though that’s the way things usually started out with him.

“We don’t have to talk about it here,” he replied softly, brushing it off.

“Okay, well we’re leaving soon anyway so we can talk about it then,” you told him before your name was called by someone who was bringing up a funny memory, so your focused returned back on the rest of the group, your hand resting on Daniel’s thigh.

The care ride home was basically silent except for the radio that played lowly in the background. Despite it being set to a low volume, the sound consumed the car, when usually that consuming sound would be the conversations between you and Daniel, or your voice singing at the top of your lungs.

You waited until the two of you walked inside to bring it up to him, knowing you couldn’t let this go anymore. Clearly something was bothering him enough to not even speak on the drive home, and you needed to know what it was.

“Daniel, seriously, just tell me what’s wrong,” you told him, trying to hide the hint of annoyance threatening to be heard in your voice.

“I don’t like him,” Daniel muttered as he disappeared into the kitchen to get water.

You followed, sighing to yourself as you asked who he was talking about even though you felt as though you already knew what his answer would be.

And you were right,

“Why don’t you like Dylan? He’s great,” you asked him, not understanding how their encounter went wrong in any way, and it wasn’t Daniel’s first time meeting him either.

“I don’t like how he is with you,” Daniel specified, looking down at his feet as he shifted his weight back and forth.

“What do you mean?” you asked.

“He flirts with you all the time, and not only do you let him, but you do it right back,” he told you, a sense of irritation shining through as he spoke.

Before you could say anything, he continued.

“It’s as if I’m not even there and I’m especially not your boyfriend. Everything he says is SO funny and it’s like ‘oh my god Dylan you’re hilarious let me ruffle your hair or sit on your lap’“ Daniel spat.

“Okay woah,” you stopped him, lifting your hands up to stop him from going further, “you’re being ridiculous right now you know he’s just my friend.”

“Really? Do friends really act like that, Y/n?” Daniel asked, his voice raising slightly, but he wasn’t screaming, he almost never yelled at you, which you were happy about.

“Yes they do, Daniel! I literally act the exact same way with Jonah, Corbyn, Jack and Zach!” you defended, starting to get annoyed at the way he was acting.

“Its different!” he retaliated.

“How, Daniel? Please fucking educate me,” you spat, crossing your arms over your chest as you looked at him, waiting for a proper explanation that was somewhat reasonable.

“Because I know you find him attractive and have been basically in love with him for years!” Daniel said back, throwing his hands up in frustration as he expressed his feelings.

“Oh my god Daniel so what if I had a little celebrity crush on him, would I freak out every single time you spoke to an attractive and sweet celebrity? It’s platonic Daniel you’re being stupid,” you said, trying to remain calm even though you felt your anger rising.

“Oh so I’m stupid?” he asked.

“Yeah, right now you are. You’re being stupid by thinking I’m flirting with Dylan when I’m literally just trying to be friends with someone who I like to hang out with. It’s not that deep, you’re looking so far into every little move and this new possessive shit isn’t a good look on you,” you replied, not wanting to look into his eyes.

“What’s going on?” you heard a familiar voice say from behind you, and you noticed Jonah when you turned around, his eyebrows furrowed as he heard the last part of your conversation.

“Nothing,” you sighed, “I’m going upstairs.”

“Be careful Jonah,” you added, putting your hand on his shoulder and looking back at Daniel, “I might suck your dick because I laugh when you say something funny,” you said sarcastically, scoffing as you walked off, leaving the boys in the kitchen.

“What was that?” Jonah asked, feeling even more confused now than when he first walked in.

“Nothing,” Daniel groaned, “I got mad at her because we went to Dylan’s house and I got jealous.”

“Dude,” Jonah sighed, trying to hide a small laugh from escaping him.

“Go talk to her,” Jonah urged, “don’t be mad over a dude she’s friends with. She’s dating you, man, not him. You aren’t like this with the rest of us when we’re with her, so don’t be that way about him either.”

Daniel took Jonah’s advice and thanked him before jogging upstairs, opening the door a crack to look for you, and saw you lying on your stomach on your bed, head resting on the pillow.

“Can we talk?” Daniel asked as he walked in, “less petty and angry this time.”

“Whatever,” you muttered into your pillow, moving over so Daniel could sit next to you, which he did.

“Look, I’m sorry baby, I know I was stupid,” Daniel started, knowing he needed to give up the fight if he wanted any chance of you forgiving him in the near future.

“I just got upset because he was your celebrity crush and we always made jokes that you would leave me for him if he asked you to. I guess it was more insecurity than jealousy. I don’t hate him, in fact I think he’s awesome, and that makes me worried you’ll stop loving me because you love him,” Daniel confessed, not liking revealing his true feelings to you, but he knew it had to be done.

“Daniel, those are just jokes, you know that,” you started, “you know I would never actually leave you for Dylan O’Brien, he’s amazing, yeah, and I’m really happy I get to build a friendship with him but I would never choose him over you.”

“Really?” Daniel asked. This time the question wasn’t aggressive and challenging, but soft and full of hope.

“Really,” you confirmed, “you’re the one I love, Daniel. Yeah he’s my friend and was my celebrity crush but he’s just a friend, you have nothing to worry about. But you can’t do this every time I see him because I do want to be friends with him and you need to support that.”

“I do, I do support that,” Daniel nodded, “I don’t know I guess watching you guys today got the better of me. You have the right to be friends with whoever you want, don’t listen to your idiot boyfriend.”

“We all doubt ourselves sometimes, Danny, it’s okay. I’m sorry for getting angry too instead of just listening. Let’s not fight about this okay, this isn’t us,” you comforted, reaching out to take his hand into yours.

“Fight over,” he agreed, pressing a kiss to your temple before moving down to your lips. The kiss was full of love and forgiveness, and you knew everything was okay.

“Dylan O’Brien is hot as fuck though you have to admit,” you joked, winking at Daniel before he pushed you, letting a laugh out.

“Honestly, Y/n, I would have to agree.

Tags: @poutyavery @samithepixie @essentialseavey @corbynscabbitch @whydontwe-fanfics (I DID IT!!) @jackaverybabe @ijustreallylovethem @lovableherron @zaddydaniel @blueeyedbesson 

[boogiewrites]

Choking On Sapphires 41

Title & Song: No One Knows

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Genevieve (OFC)

Word Count:  3300+

Summary: Genevieve let’s her guard down and has to face the consequences.

Warnings/Tags: Language. Sexual themes. Touch of angst. 

**Chapter song is No One Knows by Queens of the Stone Age.**

Positive feedback is MUCH appreciated! Reblogs, likes, asks and comments feed me to write more! Let me know if you’d like tagged in my work.

My Masterlist. (Includes Parts 1-40)

"It's Friday night, luv, why ya still worryin' away over 'at?" his voice breaks your concentration as you blink up at him, head tilted in inquiry, feet paced heavy across the floor of your office to you.

You're sitting on your desk, still in your dress from work. Your ankles crossed and your hands holding a stack of papers. You push your small gold circular glass up your nose and as your concentration breaks you let out a yawn.

"Look at ya, already tired. You've been workin' too hard today, Genevieve." Your eyes meet his as he stands close to you, chin lowering to emphasize his point. "You's gone before I left this morning and now you're still buried in ya papers?"

"You do it all the time." you give him a small smirk, followed by a soft sigh.

"I was dealing with my businesses today. Had to get an early start if I wanted to visit everyone and be able to get these finished." you shake the papers in your hand.

"What are they luv? If ya don't mind me askin'."

"No, darling, it's perfectly fine." you shake your head, handing them to him casually.

He looks them over, nose twitching as he grunts and nods, fingers flipping through the stack.

"All these are dated today." he observes out loud.

"It's what I've been doing all day. They're why I sent those papers with you to give Tommy." He grunts and his lips purse at the mention of his name. "Alfie, I told you we spoke on it and come to and underst-"He raises his hand to stop you.

"I know, luv." he says coldly. He was still sore about their argument and you didn't blame him.

You sigh. You continue your explanation. "I wanted them given to the lawyer he uses to make sure everything was binding and correct."

"What ya usin' his lawyer for? I know plenty of good ones." he says defensively, his eyes still on the papers.

"I've used him for years, he's a very decent man. For a lawyer anyway. Very shrewd and sharp. He's also Jewish." you shrug as if it might ease his mind on the subject.

"Mmm." he grunts in response.

"I wanted my agreements on paper with the employees. I thought if I'm going to go down this path I needed my affairs in order and legal and documented instead of being based on handshakes and good faith."

"And what path would that be, luv?" his eyes finally move back up to yours.

You let out a heavy sigh and smile at him, it catches him off guard and softens his expression. "The path to being a proper gangster." you say without hesitation for the use of the word for the first time. A smile grows slowly across his face, you mirror it as he sets the papers down on the desk.

"So these are contracts, yeah?" he says with a smug nod.

"Citing I own and operate and have the power to do what I please with the business whenever I see it fit." the fact that you were holding his stare, the sly smile and way your eyes narrowed just slightly as he approached you made his lust for you rise. He did love it when you took control of things and saw your own promise in being a ruling force in the city.

"And how did they take to that?" he says quietly, slowly, moving his hands to your knees, pushing them apart and standing between them. He loomed over you, his powerful aura starting to mix with yours and you feel your pulse quicken.

"Some signed with a smile." you give him a little shake of your chin. "Others took a bit more...coercing." your nose wrinkles slightly, eyes still steady and strong against his.

The insinuation of you having spilled blood and threats to get the pristine papers that had held your attention all night makes a deep sigh build in his chest, giving him the oxygen his body needed to pump his blood to places other than his brain, as that's what the thought did to him. "And did they all say yes at the end of the day Genevieve?" he leans in close, a hand trailing up your arm to the side of your face. His intentions fully clear.

To say him being so aroused by your actions did the same to you would be an understatement. A man who relished in your brutality and wit, welcomed it, nurtured its actions made your tongue dart out from between your lips, your eyes falling to his, set in an attractive smirk.

"Every last one of them." you whisper, tilting your head to show just how welcome his advances were.

His deep groan starts before his lips connect with yours harshly, continuing on as he held your face tightly, vibrating your mouth and feeling it into your chest. You return his passion in full, hands slipping under his suspenders as his nails rake up your thighs, pulling up your skirt. -------- "'Ello Aggie love!" Arthur booms, hugging the woman who was wearing a rather surprised look on her face.

"Uh...hello boys! Were we expecting you?" her head shakes just slightly.

"No, but you try telling Arthur we aren't going to stop by and see Genny when we're already in London." Tommy says, giving his coat to a maid.

"I 'aven't...WE 'aven't got to spend a good night with her in ages, Tom. 'Course I wanna stop and see her." he defends himself, hands in his pockets as John puts his toothpick back in his mouth after taking off his coat.

"She does feed us and drink us well if nothing else. Although she's always got good stories...can't blame him Tom." he shakes his head at his older brother, lips in a thin line, eyes unamused as usual.

"Didn't say I blamed him." he says cooly, hands moving to his pockets.

"She's in her office last I checked. Had her nose buried in paperwork all day, poor dear." she says sweetly. "I'll set up tea and have Viktor heat up tonight's dinner. She didn't even come out to eat." she muses to herself, already walking away and to the kitchen.

Arthur is excitedly leading the way behind his brother's to your study, knees high and elbows out, excited to spend time with one of his best friends. He waits for the other's to catch up, wanting to surprise you by all three of them entering at once, just knowing your face would light up at their appearance. He wanted to surprise you...and boy does he. It all happens so quickly. The seconds that pass feel like hours when it's over.

"GENNY LOVE WE-" he makes a snorting, choking sound as both doors swing wide open, his arms out and proud in an announcement of their presence. "WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL?!" he shouts out in that deep gruff tone of his.

"Ayyyy!" John yells, his clapping together immediately and laughing at the sigh of Alfie fucking you on your desk.

"Oh fuck." Tommy grumbles, hand covering his face, but not before everyone gets an eye full of Alfie with his trousers around his knees, balls deep in you, face buried in your neck, your head thrown back before it snaps forward and with saucer-sized eyes that meet Arthurs you let out a high pitched yelp as your hand slaps over your mouth in embarrassment. And Alfie...bless him and his confidence, keeps pumping into you despite a laugh growing in his chest, as he can only imagine the look on the boy's faces.

You and Arthur are frozen, both stunned beyond words. "ARTHUR!" Alfie shouts out, turning his head slightly to the side, even though he can't meet Arthur's face and stay inside you. "Shalom!" he shouts and you can't help but snort out a laugh, slapping Alfie's chest and burying your face in his neck to hide your blush.

"Fuck's sake." you hear Tommy growl, slamming the door shut after he pulls his brother back into the hallway.

"Yeah, get 'em Genny!" you hear John shout before the door shut with a bang.

Alfie's stopped, the smuggest look on his face you've ever seen. In the moment, before the consequences sink in, you both burst into laughter together.

"Oh my fucking God." you choke out in between belly laughs. Alfie pulls out of you, shoulders shaking in amusement still as he puts himself away. You stand and pull your skirt down. "Have they never heard of a fucking telephone?" you say exasperated, taking a deep breath.

"Came for dinner and got a fuckin' show, they did." you give him a closed lip smile that tells him to stop in a playful way.

"Fuck me, now I have to go do damage control." you roll your eyes and sigh. Thankful it was just the brothers and this should all turn out fine. Anyone else and you would've had a real problem. Although you weren't at fault, you didn't feel shamed or guilty at your actions, you'd never wanted the brothers to see you in such a way, but it's not like they didn't know you weren't a woman or were in denial that you were some virginal girl. "Poor Arthur..." you say, with wide eyes, holding back a laugh.

"Eh, the lad'll be fine. But I reckon he hates me more than he did to begin with right now." he smirks. "I'm proper glad Tommy saw though." his brow furrows in a masculine, prowling sort of way. "Let him know where I fuckin' stand." his head shakes as he says the words with malice. He was relieved in a way that Tommy knew about you two now, now he'd know not to mess with either of you.

"I doubt Tommy cares about us sleeping together at all." you shrug, your face losing the laughter it'd held a few moments ago. He sees your lips twitch in thought. "I mean, I don't think any of them will ultimately care but Tommy's so far up his own arse sometimes he forgets there's anyone but himself around." you roll your eyes and sigh.

"You alright handlin' this, luv?" his tone much sweeter than it had been. "I dinnit think you'd want me goin' wif ya. Seein' as they're your boys 'n all."

"No, it's fine. I should go alone. Just a bit of a damper on the evening momentarily." your eye bat at him. "I was having a proper good time." you give a coy smile, triggering that charismatic grin of his you loved to make an appearance. "I'll give you an update when the smoke has cleared, darling" you lean to plant a kiss on his lips,  giving him a small nod as you make your way to the lounge in the guest wing, you're guessing they'd be there.

Your feet feel heavy as you make your way slowly across the sprawl of your estate, fingers rubbing your temples to ease the tension of dealing with this. You hoped they were in a good mood so this didn't end poorly. They certainly seemed to be in a good mood until they'd laid eyes on you and Alfie.

You shut the door behind you and keep your eyes on the ground for a moment, getting a feel for the mood. The air was tense but not angry so you raise your eyes to look the men over.

John is chewing his toothpick with a smirk on his face, totally at ease, sat back in a chair with his legs crossed, he gives you an eyebrow wiggle and you give him a little smirk in response.

Tommy is sat forward on a couch, opposite end that Arthur sits, elbows on his knees, hands clasped together, giving you a look that was mostly indifferent, and partly telling you he'd known this was going on already.

And Arthur. Poor Arthur. He wrung his hands together, brow furrowed but eyes not angry in the least, eyes steady on the fire, not wanting to speak first.

"There are these inventions called telephones you know? Right?" you say with raised eyebrows, easing the tension and letting them know they should've at least fucking knocked. Tommy smirks at your response.

"I'm sorry Genny, sweetheart. Aggie just told me where ya was 'n I was excited to see ya and I just barreled on in there and didn't fuckin' think. Just like me innit?" his eyes are wide and a little bit sad.

"I assumed as much, dear. I'm not mad at you, don't worry." you see him let out a heavy sigh of relief.

"Solomons, eh?" Tommy sits back on the couch, lighting a cigarette. "Knew he was here to lay low but that apparently was not the entire truth, was it?" he plays coy for the sake of the other two men.

"It was the whole truth at the time." you say defensively.

"Of all the men in London I  wouldn't have put my money on Solomons to be the one to get ya." John says.

"Get me?" your face frowns. "There's nothing to GET. We're two adults who have sex from time to time. I know you've had plenty of women you've had similar relationships with." you remind him with a nonthreatening glare.

"Is he good to ya, Genny?" Arthur asks with such sincerity you want to almost laugh at the holy fool. You were concerned about things far beyond Arthur's feelings but you were touched that he was considering yours.

"He's been very good to me." you give him a sweet smile and your response seems to calm him. "I will explain my actions just this once." you raise a pointed finger to emphasize your point. "And only because I feel like I owe you something for putting you through what you had to see." you sigh and cross your arms over your chest. "I'd not had anything to do with anyone since moving so I could make sure that I didn't give anyone any fuel for words being spoken of me that had anything to do with anything that wasn't business. So, as I'm sure you can relate, I found myself with needs unfulfilled and just so happens he also has the same needs and seeing as we already cohabitate it made sense to use the ease of spending time together to our advantage." your tone is indifferent and delivers the facts straight. "I expect this information, along with my relations with Alfie to remain unspoken and preferably never thought of again from all of you." your tone moves to scolding, fingers being wagged at each man, meeting their eyes and making sure they understood. "I don't want or need people in my personal business and this is something I want no one else to know about." you lower your hand and purse your lips.

"Of course not, Genny." Arthur agrees with a shake of his head, his eyes still a bit sad. You look over to John for confirmation.

"Ah, who 'ave I got to tell?" he says with a wink, that was as close to a yes as you'd get from with without coming down hard on him so you accept it. You swing your eyes to Tommy and nods obviously.

"I already knew so why start telling people now?" he does his smug smile and you roll your eyes in response.

"Well then that's settled." you brush your hands over your skirt as if to show you're moving forward with the conversation. "I'm going to go let Alfie know that you all decided to be mature about something for once." you say with a grin and move to the door. They each take the hint and stand. "You boys still want to stay? You'd be in a room besides the blue, Tommy, Alfie's got that one."

"Don't be silly Gen, it'd take more than the sight of Alfie's lily white ass to run us off." Tommy stands next to you, looking down at you but not bringing any negativity with him.

As you show them out of the room you hold Tommy by the arm as he shifts to walk away from you. You stop him after the others are out in the hallway. You speak in a much more serious tone, not wanting to alert the others, but wanting to make sure Tommy knew that you were still worried despite their verbal agreements not to tell anyone. "Knowing what you do about my father, you understand why I can't have any word of a romance between me and Alfie, correct?" your eyes are wide, brows high and voice quiet but cutting.

"Romance, eh?" he quirks an eyebrow at you and you glare at him.

"Not the time to argue over details." you hiss.

Tommy straightens his shirt with his fingers, correcting his posture and resting his hand on his chest. "Of course, Genevieve. I understand and I'll be sure they understand as well." his voice is quiet to match yours.

"Thank you Tommy. I'm already on his radar, word's getting around and I'm sure something will come of it sooner than later." you let out a ragged sigh. "I'm just trying to prolong the thin veiled, so-called "peace" that we have right now." you roll your eyes, mouth set in a frown, arms crossed again.

"If you need me for anything..." you both exchange a curt nod. "I hated him from the moment I met him at my wedding. I know what a fucking prick that man is, no need to carry the weight of all his sins on you when someone's offering to help you carry them, eh?" his face leans closer to yours, making sure you knew he was serious.

"I will. I've only heard a low rumbling of rumors thus far. But I'm sure every time I go out in public with him he knows about it at this point. And despite the fake name, I'm sure he's got wind I'm meddling with gangsters."

"The police are on your payroll correct?"

"Yes but...he's got more pull than I do."

"He's only a title now. You're underestimating how much people hate your father beside you I think." his eyebrows quirk slightly.

"I don't know anyone who likes the man except those that lick his boots to save their hides."

"And even then it's false fondness. You've made a name for yourself, and luckily for you, that name is said with good feeling by most and with fear from the rest." he tries to be comforting, and he is.

When it came to your father he was pretty much the only thing you feared. He was a Duke, as titled. An empty title but it was there nonetheless. You had tried since you were 17 to stay out of his line of sight. Perhaps it was time you tried to stand back in the light. You might have more money than he did at this point, everything grand about him had always been a lie, a front to hide his misery and debts and shortcomings as a human being. Only marrying your mother to save face by taking her family's money and the power of their name for himself through malicious blackmail. The thought still sent an ice cold chill up your spine. He had certainly beaten the fear of him into you, hadn't he? You feel ashamed of it for a moment, then you're reminded it's not your fault he was an abusive scum sucking parasite, living off of a title he didn't earn. How sweet would it be to have his least favorite child, his failure, and a woman above all else stand up to him? The thought sat deliciously in your mouth as you savored what that might feel like.

Pt 42 Dreams (NSFW)

@fangirlfreakingout @jaegeeeeer @cosettewinchester@lookuptheskyisfalling-blog @brianaisasongbird @cry5t4l-w4rri0r@iliveonchocolateandnetflix @jess2464 @hardygal69 @thegarrisonpublichouse @a-flock-of-angry-pigeons @pootle @negansdirtygirl22 @musingsby-night @wtf-is-wrong-with-this @shine-dont-shadow @inkinterrupted @vale0413 @lafayettes-baguettes-1 @sxlomons @aphnxrising 

@emerald-bijou 

[lifestreamsblog]

Why Gaming is Slowly Becoming a Chore

(In this article, I’m not going to link to examples and / or articles, so you will have to use your own imagination and / or knowledge.)

It’s really hard for me to enjoy gaming these days.

And no, it’s not because of the AAA Games Industry causing their own bubble burst.  And it’s not because I don’t have access to my favourite consoles. And it’s not because I don’t have games that I love (and no, it’s not even because I have too many games that I love).

It’s because of two factors:

I prefer to play games with (or for) other people in my life

The games fandom and industry is full of nostalgia, toxicity, misogyny, mindless hatred, misdirected anger, unforgivable hypocrisy and rampant misinformation

This sort of garbage is enough to make any gamer girl completely uncomfortable...

I Prefer to Play Games with (or for) Other People in My Life:

This is perhaps one of the most difficult things about gaming for me, as what I play generally is tied to what other people in my life play.  For me, gaming is a purely social experience, whether that’s playing multiplayer games...

...or playing single-player games with other people around watching.

This is difficult when you’re truly in love with one particular console, while other people in your life drift to another console.  Forgetting the issue of console loyalty for a moment, it has to be considered that gaming is an expensive hobby.  And when interests in your social circle shift, it can be difficult to keep up, especially if you truly enjoy one console versus another.

I’m a huge fan of the Nintendo Switch.  And for a long time, so was everybody else in my life, including my fiancée, who was perhaps the single-most-important person in my life, as well as the person I played games with the most.

Recently, my fiancée has become much more interested in the XBOX ONE, which has made things difficult for me, as I was only able to get one after our household’s federal tax return came in.  This meant that for months, I wasn’t able to play games with her nearly as often as I would have liked, which really made me depressed, even though I tried--likely unsuccessfully--to hide it.

Of course, I have my own XBOX ONE now, so I should feel happier now that we’re able to play more games together, right?

Well, the truth is that there was something truly magical about our experiences together on the Switch and while the XBOX ONE has offered both of us some amazing experiences thus far, it hasn’t matched the magic I felt when we played games together on the Switch.

Another thing that doesn’t help is that the Switch almost seems like an afterthought in conversations not just with my fiancée, but with everybody else in my household.  Instead of discussing the games getting Switch versions, we’re discussing the PC and XBOX ONE versions instead. It doesn’t help that games like Octopath Traveller are no longer Switch exclusives, which leads me to feel even more alienated, as everyone seems so excited that a game that made Switch very special is--all of a sudden--going to a “more powerful platform.”

This is a lot more hurtful to me than I likely let on...and really, the only time I’ve ever discussed feeling this way is right now, here in this article.  The fact that I’m not able to articulate my feelings as well as I would like makes things even worse.  In the end, I love my new XBOX ONE, but I really wish that the Switch didn’t get all but the boot simply because we got Microsoft’s latest and greatest system...

The Games Fandom and Industry is Full of Nostalgia, Toxicity, Misogyny, Mindless Hatred, Misdirected Anger, Unforgivable Hypocrisy and Rampant Misinformation:

I don’t suppose this one needs much explanation, but I absolutely want to discuss how it’s making gaming more difficult to enjoy for me in particular.

I can’t begin to number just how many “reboots” and “remasters” of old games and franchises are being released these days.  It’s not just in gaming, but in all of mass media.  It would seem that people who grew up in the 80s and 90s would like to have those eras come back in full force, forgetting just what it means to have actual “progress.”  It’s like these people have never heard of “trying something new” before.

It’s fucking stupid and completely uncreative.

And this mindset also leads to the next set of issues:  toxicity and misogyny.  Men who think women are objects to fulfill their own needs...and people who think all Muslims are terrorists, all LGBTQ people are sick and all black people are criminals are rampant within the gaming fandom.  And these people act so entitled that they come across as if they are in the right for demanding women jump on their dicks while claiming that all people not like them are evil and criminal. It creates such a horrendous atmosphere that I dare not ever join in any kind of live chat. 

And this whole situation surrounding the misogyny, specifically, creates an aura that drives many women in gaming to extreme sex-negativity.  One of the many reasons SONY recently decided to block sexual content from all future games is in the name of not wanting to offend their women gamers.  Not only was this a disingenuous move, it shows just how this situation stifles sex-positive feminists such as myself, who have found empowerment in franchises like Senran Kagura and Hyperdimension Neptunia, both of which have sex-positive content and both of which have huge lesbian fandoms that far outnumber the male fandoms.

And both of which will now suffer content blocking from SONY because of sex-negativity rooted from misogyny-based trauma.

Way to remove representation and relatability for people like me, folks!

It makes me want to puke.

Then there are the fandoms.  The fandoms are full of people whose brains are so stuck in how long they’ve been following a particular company or franchise that they don’t often understand what’s happening right in front of their faces.

Like when Nintendo fans claim that there is no third-party support for the Switch.  Or that Nintendo may--one day--become like EA or Activision.  And how about the Nintendo fans who think the Wii U is a huge, steaming sack of shit simply because it didn’t sell an obscene number of units?  And then there are the Nintendo fans who don’t shut up about Pikmin 4, Metroid Prime 4, Animal Crossing: Where’s Our New Game? and more.  And the Nintendo fans who think Let’s Go! isn’t a real Pokémon game and that a lack of Nintendo Directs in any given month means Nintendo is ignoring their entitled asses and I could go on and on and on.

And then there are the general fans.  The general fans who complain that games aren’t hard enough and that everyone who wants easier game modes are complete and utter idiots who don’t deserve to play videogames.  And then there are the fans who think that if you don’t have the right graphics card or right PC rig that you’re a total imbecile who shouldn’t be in the same room with gamers.  And gatekeeping gatekeeping hatred hatred shittalk shittalk blahblahblah.........

And some of these fans complain about all of the above and more!  Yes, even Nintendo fans fall into the general fans category sometimes.

These people are a pure delight, aren’t they?

The games community is so unwelcoming, hostile, bitter and full of shit that it makes me feel really alienated when I’m already struggling to enjoy myself amongst other people in my life.  And it leaves me feeling as if I have no voice whatsoever.

It just makes me want to break down into sobs...

Sometimes, I wonder if things will ever improve.  Sometimes, I sit with my thoughts and let them brew inside of me for days, weeks and months on end.  People in my life can often tell I’m unhappy, but I don’t always speak up enough about how I feel.

In Grade 8, I had an English teacher who helped me with my writing, which--at the time--was atrocious.  I couldn’t even string together a proper sentence.  And my last paper I wrote for him wasn’t much better than the first.  When he gave me his remarks, I burst into tears.  He just handed me a box of tissues and waited for me to calm down a bit before saying this:

“Never stop writing.  Promise me that.  Because one day, you will improve.  And when you do, you will be able to tell the world how you feel.”

I never forgot that.  And because of him, I developed my now-strong writing skills.

Even though I have had trouble speaking up about how I feel regarding these issues previously, In the end, the most I can do is try my best to speak up now, which is why I wrote this blog post in the first place.  While some of you may stumble upon this from the broader internet, this piece isn’t for you, but rather for those in my life.

This is me trying to open up a bit more.

And I know this article isn’t my best work and that it’s full of rambling and subject-switches, but I’m very depressed and this whole piece reflects that mood, so I’m going to leave it--for the most part--in the imperfect state it’s currently in.

[lore-a-lie]

Chapter 2, Act 6: The Masked Grave’s Ritual

Deadly Life

Kaede still didn’t want to believe it. She thought she was finally regaining some control of their situation. That things were going to get better. How could this have happened?

Maki was no stranger to bloodshed so who could have possibly killed her? (Was she killed trying to defend herself or did this happen because she attacked someone else? Would Maki really do that?)

The fact this was Kiyo’s lab was a smaller area of concern. Unlike Angie’s lab, his didn’t have any locks so anyone could have done this if they weren’t complying with the student council’s nighttime curfew.

While Kirumi told her and Maki that Kiyo wasn’t Kaede didn’t think this was his doing. Something about how the artifacts were being treated didn’t line up. He was too protective of them before. (Not unless that was an act. Make you think he cared about others damaging them so him abusing them is unlikely.)

His surprise at seeing Maki’s body looked genuine enough when Kaito brought him for questioning. At least Kaito was suspecting him less now than when he first rushed down to see if this was connected to Maki wanting to pay him a visit last night. Not that it was saying much, Kaito’s still quite clearly a wreck.

Ryoma was trying to help ease Kaito’s nerves but he was also too shaken to be of much help. No one objected when the two excused themselves to see if there was anything else around that could be connected. She figured too many felt ashamed of how they treated her and Ryoma before to complain.

“For the sake of our investigation does anyone have any complaints if I go over Maki’s body? Unless Gonta would rather try, as he might be more used to corpses than I am. Not human ones of course.” Kirumi calmly asked. Kaede couldn’t help but notice Kiyo kept glancing at her like he had an objection, but he must have thought better of it as he resumed looking into what else in his lab might be involved here instead.

“Gonta can’t! Gonta not… Not smart enough to be useful like Kirumi. Kirumi smart so she do good. Besides, it not proper for gentlemen to touch a lady without her permission.” Gonta was trying to hide a light blush that came with his explanation, an odd contrast to the tear tracks that still stained his face.

“It is a bit late to ask her about that sort of thing I’m afraid. Particularly if we think we should check her for injuries that may be unrelated to the fall. I doubt anything else could be the cause of death, however. You can see where the banister underneath her broke off from even from where we’re standing.”

Kaede had to crane her head up to see what Kiyo was talking about but he was right, on the highest level there was a break in the rails. With little prompting Tenko made her way up the stairs as quickly as she could to see if there were signs of a struggle or any other clues as Angie followed, hopping all the way. (I’m impressed they have the stamina for that, since that’s on the fifth floor. Why is this so damn tall?!)

While the two were up there, Kirumi informed everyone that she kept finding some sort of ashes on Maki’s body she couldn’t explain. Kaede thought better of bringing up the candles she sent Ryoma and Maki to collect, as she didn’t want Angie to be made aware of her attempt at sabotage, and as neither he nor Angie were here no comment was made about it possibly being the Necronomicon.

This might get messy if it needs to come up in the trial though. Was Maki’s death an accident her killer tried to undo? I don’t know if someone other than Angie and I knew how this motive worked.

Nothing else seemed out of place though, no weapons or injuries on her that didn’t make any sense. Except for that weird stone mask that was laid over Maki’s face, modern looking in all but its medium.

“Why would someone want to drag poor Sun Witch ♪ Esper Ito into this anyway?!" Tsumugi bemoaned, looking torn between whether or not to pick up the mask before Kirumi waved her off to spare her the dilemma. After a depressed sigh, she got a curious expression as she looked around the lad. "Actually why is her mask even in here? It can’t really be culturally relevant right? Beyond like normal festival masks I mean.” (Leave it to Tsumugi to know what the heck that thing was or where it was from. It really is out of place.)

“You aren’t wrong about what it is, but what it represents is a fair bit different." Kiyo began, despite Tsumugi's brief attempts to assure him that he didn't have to. But there was no retracting an excuse for him to lecture. "This is the mask most associated with the serial killer Kirakira Seigi or “Sparkling Justice” who supposedly came from Spain. Naturally given the title and style of their trademark mask I am inclined to doubt that theory, as it’s too distinctly Japanese to think they would consider Spain to be their only point of origin, but they do make for an interesting modern connection to both cultures as a result. Being a serial killer who exclusively kills others of their ilk in poetic gruesome recreations of the targeted serial killer’s preferred methods also taps into various other figures and notions regarding popular concepts of “Justice” and “Karma”.” (Right, that thing again. He talked at me about it before too. It has no right to look this cute with what he says.)

For all her early objections the lesson stirred Tsumugi's geeky interest enough that she was simply bubbling with questions, as if they weren't still talking in the middle of a murder scene. “Is a stone mask really their trademark? What do you mean “they”, is there more than one person who uses this name? Do you think it’s related to that other Kira-”

“No. For all of those things." Kiyo sternly cut her off, but he obviously enjoyed having peaked her interest as he lead her off to a side of the room to continue without bothering anyone's work. "First off, the person known as Sparkling Justice is elusive so their gender is a point of debate, though I do lean in favor of that person being male myself, so I tried being as neutral as I could. Second, typically the mask they use is of the common cheap plastic affairs so I can’t really explain why this is was made to be so much more permanent and without any of its common colors either I’m afraid." And with his more basic deductions done his tone soured. "Third, I just told you they were thought to be Spanish so any similarities this has to a certain older manga are likely coincidence.”

Kaede tried to give Tsumugi a sympathetic smile at seeing her flinch at Kiyo’s surprisingly harsh response before asking a question of her own. “So do you think this mask was used to accuse Maki of something? Or mock her because of her talent? I mean an assassin and a serial killer would be kinda different right?”

“The irony is highly possible if the Kirakira connection to this design is known, and they are distinct enough that all of Kirakira ’s confirmed kills did what they did out of passion rather than a paycheck.”

“Should we be concerned by how our biggest suspect knows so much about niche serial killers?” Kokichi piped up from the second floor, staring down at them with his chin resting on his folded arms. Something felt off about him though. He was smiling like a cat toying with a mouse but there was a new cruelty to it.

“If you want to be that’s your own prerogative I’m sure. I merely felt it best to be aware given how often I travel and get considered to be either highly suspicious or a person of interest in dangerous situations.” Kiyo called back up to him, looking annoyed by how loud Kokichi was to make sure he was heard.

Kaede felt a tugging at her skirt before she looked down to find Monodam looking up at her at a loss. But much like his siblings, he’s also had a slight change in appearance. While he still hardly had any shoulders to speak of unlike the others he had somehow managed to attach Monokid’s shoulder pads to his chassis. (What? If he hates others being afraid of him why is he wearing the clothing of his victim like a trophy?!)

“Why-Did-This-Happen-Again-Miss-Kaede? Did-We-Do-Something-Wrong?” He retracted his arm as he turned to look at Maki, visibly depressed over what he was seeing. “Did-Miss-Maki-Deserve-This?”

“No. I’m not sure your motive even had anything to do with this. I mean all we found are some ashes, and that could have been anything. But don’t worry, we’ll figure this out.”

“Kaede, stop being buddy-buddy with a member of the beer-stain bears! Unless you think the ashes matter for something?” Kokichi paused for a moment to look up and theatrically held his hands to his mouth before calling up to the highest floor. “HEY ANGIE YOU STILL GOT THAT WEIRDO BOOK ON YOU?!”

Angie’s head poked over the broken railing looking for Kokichi before she replied, both ignoring Kiyo's seething down below. “Nooope, It went missing sometime yesterday! Why?”

“Any reason why someone might have wanted to burn it beyond it being obviously evil and stupid?”

“Oh? Did someone find an effigy of Maki with ashes on it?”

“Depends, does her fucking corpse count as an “effigy”? ‘Cause this is one duuusty cun-”

And that last bit of vulgarity proved to be Kiyo's last straw. “Can you both please stop yelling?! You’ll find the room carries sound very well on its own.”

“Hey we’re being helpful Kiyo, stop complaining!" Kokichi yelled back down, making everything worse as per the usual. "This isn’t even a real library, Jeez.”

Kiyo's eye actually twitched as he struggled to restrain himself. “Allow me to rephrase then: If you don’t settle down I will come up there and tear out your tongues. ”

“Kaaeeeeeeeeeeeede Kiyo’s threatening meeeeeeeee~” (Oh for the love of-! Isn’t Kirumi your mom?!)

With a hand to her face, Kaede muttered some curses as she shook her head before trying to settle Kokichi's latest mess. “I’m sorry Kiyo, just bear with it for now. Trust me I know how bad loud noises can be. Or maybe you can check out one of the other rooms? Like if the book went missing maybe Angie’s lab has something.”

“Oh yes, because leaving these relics unattended with Kokichi and Angie around is a simply  marvelous idea.” He replied, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

“They are far from unattended." Kirumi was quick to assure him to help de-escalate the situation. "I will do my best to keep them from causing harm to any of your other pieces Kiyo. Feel free to help Ryoma and Kaito if you think it may be of more benefit to us.”

The look she gave him a look that was hard to tell if it was understanding or pity as Kirumi returned the mask to its proper place in the glass case. Kiyo looked reluctant, almost angry, to follow her suggestion but he hardly had any reason not to do so with how much stress seeing his room so crowded caused him.

With Kiyo out of the way, Angie continued to confirm it was probably the Necronomicon that was burned, though she didn’t think a body would count as an effigy in this case. That would explain why Maki was still obviously dead at any rate. Unless the ritual never had a chance at succeeding.

Kaede also felt a bit more at ease going around the room now, and quickly found another distressing detail. The golden katana was gone. The sheath wasn’t, which was why she didn’t notice at first, but the blade was nowhere to be found. When she asked Kirumi confirmed she didn’t see anything that looked like it had been hit by a rusty sword, which only made its absence all the more suspicious.

Seeing nothing else of note Kaede left to see if anyone else had made any progress. Aside from Monophanie’s efforts at repainting parts of the floor with her own puke, which she only just caught before she was going to step in the mess. (EWWWWWW, as if this floor wasn’t bad enough already!?)

Trying to be a bit more pragmatic she phrased things a bit differently. “Are you alright Monophanie? Can’t you just leave this to the others? Who would have the Monokuma file in this case anyway?”

“No! No, nothing's alright! This floor is gross, the body is gross, we can’t stop daddy’s game even if we try, and we still can’t agree on anything! It’s all just making me sick. In more ways than one. Monosuke’s the only one who really likes daddy’s game so he’d have it, but why bother? Nothing here is changing!”

It was odd to see one of her captors driven to such a manic state, even Monotaro’s scarf seemed to be acting in accordance to Monophanie’s frustrations. Things being as they were she was probably also assuming that like the two times prior either she or one of her brothers was going to die soon too.

She wasn’t really paying attention to Kaede though, so she just left the bear to her own devices. With a real horrifying situation on her hands going to Angie’s lab didn’t seem nearly as stressful as before, but she didn’t even have the chance as she saw the three boys were heading back already.

“Did you guys find anything?”

“You mean aside from the wax museum thing she had going on? Not much, Kiyo saw some gold leaf might be missing from her art supplies and Angie’s probably a bit loopier than we already thought.”

“Now now Ryoma, making mementos to honor those that are gone is a common response to grief, and I find her attention to detail to be rather touching. Obviously, they lack the particular beauty that comes with bearing the human soul but she matched their likenesses to an otherwise astounding degree yes?”

“You mean she made things that look like they crawled right out of the uncanny valley of robotics man!” Kaito argued, which given Ryoma's sigh wasn't the first time he made his discomfort over the figures known.

As Kiyo shook his head with a shrug he paused as a thought came to mind. “... I do hope you won’t use such a phrase within earshot of Kibo, that could be considered most rude.” (Actually where is Kibo anyway? Or Tsumugi? Did they go to find Monosuke for the file since it’s late? There’s a better question to be asking here though. We’ll see both of them soon enough I’m sure.)

“Why would gold leaf be missing?" Kaede asked to help address the more relevant evidence. "It’s not like money matters in here or anything. Do you think it could be related to the anthropology lab’s katana? I couldn’t find the blade and it’s the only gold thing here.”

“Huh? You sure Kaede? Kiyo, you didn’t say anything about that!” Kaito said.

“Didn’t I? Must have slipped my mind, my apologies. Besides, it struck me as a more personal issue, given how Kirumi hadn’t mentioned finding rust in any of her injuries. The blade hasn’t been taken care of well at all, so I can’t see how something that rusted could be used here, and had someone recently held the handle or sheath we’d find gold on their hands from where the leaf coating tends to peel off.”

“So Angie’s missing supply could just be someone trying to replace the older gold leaf that came off when they messed with the sword without permission?” Ryoma suggested. (Or a sign someone was setting something up.)

“I could believe that, the sword has been missing since at least last night and I suspect it was taken when I spoke with Kaede yesterday. As its uses as a weapon are limited I didn’t feel a need to worry anyone, given how Maki’s lab allows for equally easy access to a wider array of much more effective tools to use”

“Seriously man? You still shoulda said something so we could help you find it!” Kaito said though Kiyo seemed to just brush him off.

As Ryoma and Kaito continued to ask about the missing antique, Kaede saw Tsumugi and Kibo come out of one of the classrooms Maki and Ryoma took candles from before. It wasn’t clear how long they tried investigating in there, but without the candles Kaede assumed they’d be pitch black so she was confused.

“Hey, aren’t those rooms a bit too dark to be checking? Or are the candles back now? Kirumi did say something about finding ashes on Maki’s body so I’m not sure where else a fire could be from.” Kaede asked them, trying to hide her involvement in the candles being moved to avoid concerning Angie later.

“Not to worry, my new flashlight function was more than sufficient enough to be most thorough in our investigations!" Kibo happily informed her. "Kirumi had said she saw Maki remove a set of candles from this area before, and they are indeed still missing. Aside from that, we didn’t see anything unusual though, so this is unlikely to matter.”

“Even if it is kinda pink for a flashlight…” Tsumugi softly muttered behind him, looking kinda embarrassed for how improvised this "function" was.

“Would you have rathered I used a different color? I should have a more traditional yellow too.”

Before she could get dragged into a debate over Kibo's abilities Kaede quickly tried to excuse herself. “I don’t think that’s the issue, but that’s still good to hear! Now if we could just get the Mono-”

And speak of the devil, there he was. Monosuke’s pacifier was still absent, but he at least had the file in hand that should narrow down when Maki was attacked last night. Or it was a file at any rate. The pad in his paws did look a bit different, like some yellow stripes were doodled on the black half of it last minute.

“No need to get your panties in a twist toots, the Monosuke file’s right here! Just had to get some kinks for it worked out. Nice to see even without using a motive you bastards are still more than bloodthirsty enough on your own to keep this game going! Even when we got some brats insisting on playing house.”

Monophanie was near enough to still overhear him and was none too pleased about his snipe from the look of things. As if to complete the set Monodam came out from Kiyo’s lab too, trying to see what the noise was about which just led to the three bears bickering again. Seeing Monodam wearing Monokid’s shoulder pads did seem to intimidate Monosuke some, though if she noticed Monophanie didn’t care.

As it quickly proved to be just another petty power struggle, and one that didn’t concern the case at hand, Kaede and the others returned to Kiyo’s lab so everyone would have access to the file’s contents.

At the very least it did confirm the fall was what killed her, so the missing katana could be unrelated. She was also killed at midnight which with the council’s curfew further narrowed down their list of suspects.

Being shoved through the railing could also make this look like her killer acted in self-defense. But Maki doesn’t like swords and if she had it then it’d still be here. There’d be no reason for anyone to have hid it, it’s not like we can test blood or anything. Unless they just didn’t want us to know there was a fight?

“See? Atua was right after all! Had Maki heeded His warning like the rest of us she wouldn’t have died-”

Angie barely had time to blink before Kaito’s fist was only inches away from her face, as Gonta stopped him mid-swing. Kaito’s face was more distressed than angry though. Like he couldn’t believe he just tried to hit a girl, but he also wasn’t regretting the attempt if it was enough to make her stop talking like that.

“Bull-fucking-shit! You can’t go blaming the victim for this! It’s not like the killer was following your rules either. Cut the crap with your “divine protection” shit already, you know we’re all in danger right now!”

Despite his words she didn’t seem phased at all. Only a bit of surprise and disappointment showed on her softly smiling face. Kaede could swear she caught a flicker of fear in her eyes, but only for a moment.

“But it’s the truth, isn’t it? Atua said the next victim would die after nighttime again and here we are.”

Ryoma’s eyes were dark and cold but there was no doubt he was nearly as angry about her accusations as Kaito was. Angry enough something about him made him seem larger than he actually was. Tenko was responding badly to it at any rate, but she was posed to try striking at him if he acted against Angie first.

“That doesn’t prove anything. Murders happening when the least people would be out is just common sense on the killer’s part, to limit witnesses, and your rule only made it easier for this to be the case. Don’t go trying to make this sound like this was somehow Maki’s fault. Not without some proof for it.”

That gave her some idea as Angie put a finger to her chin in thought, before turning to Kiyo with a broad grin. “Hey-hey~ that’s an idea! Kiyo said something about wanting to perform a seance before right? Sooo why don’t we just try asking Maki herself?”

“I’m sorry, I thought you were under the impression no one was ever actually killed in this game yes?” Kiyo pointed out, looking suspicious at her suggestion.

“Exactly! So either we can reach Maki, so she is dead and we can just ask her about what happened, or we can’t reach her because she isn’t dead and you and the others will have proof that Atua was right!”

“Or we can’t reach her because Kiyo’s seances are also full of-” Kokichi wisely shut his mouth at seeing the glare Kiyo started sending his way, but Angie’s grin just got larger at the prospect of Kiyo failing too. (Am I seriously watching some sort of occult pissing contest right now? Do we really have time for this?)

“I assure you if all the steps are followed it will work. And we do have all the supplies needed for the Caged Child seance already, we merely need to pick a darkened room to have it performed in first-”

“Why not use a seance you’ve done before huh? Experience would make it easier to work right?”

Kaede was pretty sure Kiyo was pouting as he gave Angie a look. Even his zipper seemed to be frowning. “Well, where’s the fun in that? And besides, I don’t have the supplies for any other seance that would be this… Non-invasive, I suppose you could say. Unless whoever we pick as the medium wouldn’t mind risking some… “Physical changes” while Maki speaks through them.”

“... What sort of changes are we talking about?” Tsumugi looked really nervous over the notion before getting lost in her head again with a finger to her lips. When she came back it was soon replaced with an aura of excitement as a different question occurred to her. “Are you telling me the way Maya and Pearl would change when Mia possessed them wasn’t just a silly excuse to give them her big boobs?!”

“I would say it’d be best for a girl to act as the host to minimize any such risks, but it’s not out of the question no. Though given Maki’s build I’m fairly certain it would have the… Opposite effect on you. However things like the changing of one’s eyes or hair color are typically the more common reactions.” (“Minimize” the risk? Does this happen to guys too? How the fuck is that even supposed to work?! WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?!?)

“Awww, never mind then. I’m not really sure a plain girl like me would work anyway. Even if red eyes and black hair are the best combination, if I don’t have my blue hair anymore I’ll be even harder to notice...”

“Unless she would have a personal reason to take issue with you I doubt Maki would mind. Any other volunteers? In addition to the host and myself, we need three other people to perform it correctly.”

“What exactly would everyone else be doing?” Tenko asked, looking a bit nervous and guilty as she twiddled her fingers. “‘Cause even if Maki and I kinda look alike I don’t think I’m up for something like being a host either. L-like just in case she’s kinda mad when she comes back.” (Makes sense that if Angie was onboard for this plan the rest of the student council would be too. So I should probably offer to help.)

“Even if she was in a volatile state the medium would be under the iron cage and the dog statue so there no danger of her lashing out at anyone aside from potentially the host herself. Unintended suicides may be something of a... “side effect” in a worst case scenario, but I don’t think Maki was that sort of person. Everyone else would merely be there for the summoning ritual itself, like placing those two objects.” (SIDE EFFECT ?! KIYO STOP BEING SO CALM ABOUT HORRIFYING THINGS. Ugh, I don’t want to do this...)

“Wow~ Kiyo you’re really bad at convincing people aren’t you? But I’ll help you guys out, it sounds fun.”

“Would you rather I lie about the dangers that may be present Kokichi? This was Angie’s idea, not mine.”

As if the terrified look on her face wasn’t answer enough Tenko gave him her most honest of replies. “ YES. TENKO WOULD HAVE GREATLY PREFERRED THAT THANKS. This was creepy enough already...”

“... Ah.” He obviously wasn’t expecting an answer that blunt. “So should I start doing that now then?”

“I’m sure it’s fine. As long as the spirit we get is Maki everything should be okay. She wouldn’t hurt us. Would the medium have to do anything other than just sit there? I could do that I think, but not help.” (Even if Tenko could lift those things by herself I’m not sure I could manage anything else this spooky.)

Kiyo really brightened up at Kaede’s unexpected suggestion, which was nice to see at least. “Yes, I do believe you’d work quite well. Being one of those she was closer to should also make the process go more smoothly. Not to worry, some forms of possession do come with memory loss surrounding the act so if the situation’s setting proves distressing for you it would only be but a... momentary discomfort.”

It almost looked settled, before a solemn but determined looking Kirumi chose to interject.

“No, I think I’d be better suited to this Kaede. Kaito’s still in a rather delicate state and I’m not sure you being involved with this too would help put him more at ease at all. I’d be happy to act as the medium.”

Kiyo was conflicted for a moment as he considered her offer, but even though his eyes indicate he’s still smiling under his mask Kaede couldn’t shake the feeling there’s something crueler about them now.

Maybe he’s disappointed I won’t be a part of this now despite knowing how much I hate this stuff? I mean I am on better terms with him than… basically everyone else, so he might just miss having a friend. Ugh, now I feel kinda bad. This wouldn’t be a problem if Himiko was still here, she’d be up for this.

“On second thought this may be for the best, thank you Kirumi.”

“Are you sure Kiyo? I could try to help with something else if you need me to.”

“No, I think this’ll be just fine. Unless you were exaggerating before about how you thought Kagome, Kagome was “terrifying”, given the Caged Child does have an associated song which it is similar to-”

“Hahaha no, we’re good! You all have fun with that, call me if Maki needs me or something!” (NOOOPE. NOT A CHANCE IN HELL. At least he remembered this now instead of later. Thank you sooo much Kirumi.)

Kaede did her best to ignore the sound of his chuckling and the feeling of Kirumi’s confused stare as she beelined her way out the door to find Kaito and Ryoma. Because she was definitely not running away. She was just trying to help investigate whatever else she could. Absolutely anywhere else.

Besides, finding Ryoma was a good idea anyway. He should know where the candles that belonged in those rooms were which would probably be helpful to have back now. Even if he doesn’t know where Maki left the candles she took, if they split them evenly Ryoma should have at least one for each room.

She found Kaito and Ryoma at the end of the hall, past the three empty classrooms Kiyo wanted to use, into the area that looked more mechanical. Kaito probably took off the second Angie said “seance” as he was clearly having some sort of panic attack again, while Ryoma was comforting him where he could.

At least that’s all she thought Ryoma was helping with before Kaito turned to look at her.

“K-Kaito, are you okay?! You’re bleeding!”

“I know, nothing to worry about. Just bit my tongue wrong earlier, it’s nothing I promise.” Kaito assured her, but Ryoma obviously didn’t buy it which made it hard for her to believe his words. But if he doesn’t want to talk about it there’s probably nothing she could say to convince him otherwise right now.

“Are they seriously going to waste their time on that ghost stuff Kaede?”

“That’s the plan, but I don’t want to call it a waste. I mean I can understand if Angie and Kiyo think it’s the only way they can really help investigate right now. It’s not like we have a whole lot of evidence yet, or any ideas where else to look for some. Speaking of, they probably need those candles back now.”

“Humpf. Likely right about that. Maki and I just put those things in our rooms so I’ll get them. If her’s is locked they’ll still be enough to put one in each room for now anyway. I’ll be right back.” Despite his attempt at an aloof attitude Ryoma was gone in the blink of an eye. It was still a shock to see how fast he could be when he took something seriously, especially up close unlike when he avoided Tenko before.

And this is him being “rusty”, not in his prime or anything! The world of tennis must be super impressive. Maybe I should try asking him more about it some time. He’s mostly just hung out with Kaito, Maki, and Kiyo as far as I know so branching out a bit more might be nice for him. Especially with Maki gone now.

“What are you two talking about?” Kaito asked, but not with suspicion despite their situation. That didn’t make Kaede any less nervous as she decided to answer him honestly, since Angie wasn’t in earshot.

“When I joined the council I was able to look at the motive the bears gave us. It couldn’t be used if Angie couldn’t burn it, so to be on the safe side I asked Maki and Ryoma to hide any sources of fire we could. Since they were the closest to her the candles were the first things to go. Just to buy us a bit more time.”

“Hmm, good thinking then. Ya coulda tried telling me earlier though, I wasn’t going to talk to her.”

“I know, I just didn’t want to risk being overheard or overloading you or anything. Are you really alright? I mean your health wasn’t the best before and now Maki’s…”

“I told you, I don’t need you worrying over me! I’m fine. Guys are tough ya’ know, just focus on yourself.” Kaito tried offering her a cheesy large grin and a thumbs up as if to prove his words, but she knew better. She could see he was pushing himself, but returned his grin with a weak smile and nodded back anyway.

He’s too stubborn to accept anything else from me right now. He’ll just need some more time. Then when he’s ready I can only hope he’ll seek me or Ryoma out. I’m not ready to try fighting with him about this.

Kaede helped Kaito take refuge in the computer lab when she saw Angie, Kirumi, and Kiyo come out of his lab, heading towards the three classrooms. Given what they were saying it sounded like they were just checking to see which of the three should be used for their ritual, to see if any of them “felt” right.

When Kaito insisted he’d be fine there alone Kaede went back to wait for Ryoma and the candles, but she couldn’t tell who went into each room. But Ryoma was true to his word as it was only a matter of minutes before he got back with five candles in hand. Not six. So one room would be short a candle.

She tried asking him about the missing one but he only said he couldn’t find it in Maki’s room. He assumed she may had it with her when she died and then someone else took it, as with the warehouse locked there wouldn’t be that many other sources of fire to burn whatever made the ashes on her body.

Angie’s timing couldn’t be better as she walked out of the middle room at that moment, so Kaede was able to give her the fifth candle to return it to that. Luckily she was too grateful to them for “finding” it to ask how they managed it in the first place, but Kaede couldn’t help but notice her hands had some gold flecks on them that wasn’t there before. At least she thought it was gold, with how they caught the light.

Rather than comment on it, given how messy making art could be and how she just may have missed them before in the lab’s lighting, Kaede took her two candles and headed towards the one on her left as she faced them while Ryoma took the remaining two to the side room farthest right.

She had no idea what a mistake that would turn out to be.

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[phantom-le6]

The inherent flaw of February 14th (AKA Why I’m anti-Valentines)

As my Facebook friends will all attest, this year as in many recent years, my Facebook cover photo is a silhouette of a man with a shotgun, aiming said weapon at a silhouette of Cupid, and bearing the legend ‘Valentines? Bah, Humbug!’  This is because I am very much opposed to Valentine’s Day, and while some may assume this is just sour grapes on my part, that assumption would be entirely wrong.  Moreover, it smacks of the kind of egocentric thinking that all too frequently occurs in our society.  Just because someone doesn’t think as you do, it’s not always because they are bitter or jealous, and sometimes the proper response is to politely ask why and invite explanation and debate.

So, why do I oppose Valentine’s Day?  Well, as a lot of people who’ve known me for any length of time will be aware, when I got into secondary school, I got very heavily interested in girls and the idea of having a girlfriend, and I spent many years afterwards mishandling my pursuit of that goal.  Now part of this was due to my being autistic and not having much if any appropriate sources of guidance in this area, which is something I try to address in the factual autism book I’ve been working on for a few years now.

However, there is also the matter of how I was learning about relationships of a romantic nature, and that was primarily through pop culture that didn’t necessarily bear much relation to reality.  When you consider how romantic relationships are portrayed in family films, in some animated shows and in popular music, the portrayal is designed primarily to fit a particular creative vision, reflecting something of the reality but not showing that reality in a completely faithful way.

As a result of this lack of context, it can be easy for someone as literal-minded as me to leap to inaccurate conclusions about the nature of romance and how to attract someone.  It also doesn’t help that I am not someone to let go of a goal I wish to achieve very easily, often taking a longer period of time and more experiences than others to realise I might be going for something that is simply not for me.  Also, what successes I did have initially spurred me on as they were evidence that perhaps romantic relationships were something I could handle.

In sum total, I had only three relationships of a romantic nature during the time I was effectively ‘obsessed’ with having a girlfriend.  The first was when I was 13, going out for the better part of the autumn term with a girl of 11, who turned 12 a few weeks before we split up.  The second was not long after I’d started full-time employment, lasting just over a year.  The third, and final relationship, ran from August 2009 to February 2010, ending just a couple of months before I turned 25.  It was after that last relationship ended that I examined my previous relationships in the harshest possible light as I began to realise that I wasn’t enjoying the reality of relationships a lot of time.

A lot of this, I realised, was down to my need for time by myself.  Interacting with people is never easy for someone with autism; it takes a lot out of us even when it’s just the easier side of social interaction, like basic conversation with family or friends.  If, like me, you’re spending most of your weekday time in school as a kid then full-time employment as an adult, the free time you need to unwind after the high level of interaction you’ve just been through is, inevitably, very limited. Meeting up with friends can still be accomplished within that free time, but romantic relationships are another matter, or at least such is true of traditional monogamous romance.

Within monogamous romance, the level of social skills needed to make the relationship work and the amount of time that has to be put in are extensive, and for any autistic person, it would be extremely difficult to reach that social skills level, never mind put in the kind of time the relationship requires.  Not impossible, mind, as I am aware some people on the spectrum have managed long-term relationships and even gotten married, but it’s far from easy.  If like me the autistic person also works full-time, then the whole thing can get extremely stressful for us.  In my case, I’m also prone to a kind of excessive selflessness, putting others first even in situations where I’m actually in desperate need of some time to be selfish and look after myself.  As a result, I realised that getting into romantic relationships wasn’t for me just because it burned me out from a mental health perspective, and as a result I opted to swear off that kind of relationship in future.

However, I also realised that over the course of my girlfriend-obsessed years, I’d made a lot of mistakes that seemed out of proportion to just my difficulties with understanding social norms, and I realised that my autism was only part of the reason.  Another root cause was the way society, and the pop culture therein, has a tendency to overemphasise the importance of monogamous romantic relationships.  At times, this kind of overemphasis leads many to desperation, forcing them into unwise, even dangerous situations, because of pressure to find and form a relationship of this kind with anyone they can find.

This, then, is why I oppose Valentine’s Day, because it is a focusing point for such societal pressure, and it’s the only day that is dedicated solely to the kind of relationship people are generally pressured into by society.  Other occasions, such as New Year’s Eve in America where people are often expected to have someone to kiss the moment the new year starts, do not exclusively focus on the idea of encouraging romantic connections.  As such, their part in the process is inadvertent, and often specific to a given nation (we in the UK don’t seem to have the same New Year’s tradition the Americans do).

Now, I know some people will refute what I’ve just said. They’ll say Valentines is about celebrating all forms of love, that anyone can wish a ‘Happy Valentines’ to anyone else they care for, and it doesn’t have to be romantic.  To that, I would say ok, how come in sitcoms like Friends and Frasier, no Valentines cards are sent between parents and children, or between siblings?  If Valentines was about all forms of love, why did we never see Monica and Ross Gellar swapping Valentine’s Day greetings, or Rachel and Joey doing the same with their respective siblings?  Why didn’t Frasier and Niles swap Valentine’s Day cards?

The answer, of course, is that the notions of Valentine’s Day having a broader meaning is simply a modern myth, a flawed effort to expand the day’s appeal to try and be more inclusive, without recognising that this is only part of the problem.  The rest of the problem is that Valentines is too heavily rammed down our throats as a society, from too early an age and without proper context.  To work better, it needs to be amended, to be changed so that it has an ultimately more positive impact.

First, the occasion needs to be down-played more in society as a whole and in advertising in particular.  We all need to understand that the occasion is not for everyone, even if it is improved, and that it’s ok not to be in a romantic relationship with someone when they day rolls around.  In essence, we need to remove the pressure from people so they don’t end up with a Mr or Miss Right Now who then turns out to be Mr or Miss Wrong because the relationship was formed out of haste and desperation.

Second, the broadening of the meaning of Valentine’s Day has to be reflected in more than just a few industries; cards, soft toys and such like aimed at non-romantic forms of love are not sufficient to influence a change in society’s impression of the occasion.  TV, film and literature need to take a hand in this and change how they depict the occasion in future productions.  All too often, people are first introduced to new ideas and concepts through their depiction in modern culture, so if these forms of entertainment don’t back up other industries in broadening what Valentine’s Day can be, there will never be consensus on what the day actually is.

Third, Valentine’s also needs to broaden its scope in other areas.  Part of the problem is that it plays to societal defaults and focuses strictly on monogamous romance, but there are other types of adult relationship in the world, most of which are stuck on the fringes and difficult to access or understand as a result. Moreover, Valentine’s was originally a Roman festival of fertility, made ‘family friendly’ when co-opted by Christianity in order to help that religion supplant any pre-Christian religious practices. These two facts mean that Valentine’s Day could also cater to polyamorous relationships and to people in friends-with-benefit relationships, but so far as I know, this isn’t happening yet.

It is my belief that if all of the above were changed, February 14th would be a date worth noting on the calendar.  At present, it’s largely the myopic propagation of the myth that monogamous romance is somehow vital to the human experience, but as I’ve learned through my own experience, it is nothing of the kind. It’s a great thing to be able to experience, and to have if and when you’re able to have it for however long you can make it last, but it’s also perfectly ok not to have it.

Some people just aren’t suited for it; some have too much love for just one partner and need polyamory instead.  Some people will just prefer a friends-with-benefits relationship type, either for a time or for the rest of their lives, and some people might be ok just being by themselves and just experiencing love for family and friends rather romantic and/or sexual love.  The bottom line is that for Valentine’s Day to truly work as a celebration of love, every facet of it, every representation of it, has to include all of these people by default and without pushing any or all of it on people too hard.  When it can do that, when that day comes, I’ll be willing to wish people a Happy Valentine’s Day.  Until then, I am strictly anti-Valentines.

[overdrivels]

The Hanzo-disliking anon here. I would have actually preferred discussing this w/ you privately but I prefer to be on anon for the whole "doesn't like a beloved popular character" thing. The reason I don't like Hanzo is how he seems to have the audacity to act like the offended party with Genji when he's the one who did wrong. It's not even that he doesn't realize he did wrong. He abandoned his clan due to guilt. I can't for the life of me understand what appears to be his victim complex. (1/2)

(2/2) He goes around calling Genji “trash” to his face in the Japanese version of OW for goodness’ sake. That Genji is dead to him and stuff. It could be that he feels Genji betrayed him by refusing to join the Shimada business or that he feels like his redemption quest has been for nothing, but those are terrible reasons and don’t excuse his shitty behavior. I’ve been trying to think of what the writers are trying to go for with him, but I just can’t imagine anything that justifies his attitude

(3/2 I miscalculated 2 asks aren’t enough) I hope I didn’t come off as a jerk. I have no issue with people who like Hanzo and I don’t want to disrespect or undermine them. I’m just irritated at how self-entitled the character seems to be. The reason I actually brought this up with you is bc I was hoping you’d have some insights on this that will help me understand why he’s the way he is.

You’ve been very respectful in the way you express your opinions and well articulated in your reasons, so I’m actually extremely happy that you’ve presented this to me and feel comfortable enough to share. (You have no fucking clue how pleased I am to have a discussion like this, really.)

This is rather long (very long), so I’m placing this under a cut. To everyone else, please be mindful of each other’s opinions, especially when it’s being conveyed so civilly. Understandably, if you are of the opposite opinion, you may feel angered, but I ask that you refrain from attacking anyone and if need be, present your opinion and thoughts in the same manner as this anon.

(I also ask that this doesn’t get reblogged because I don’t think I can handle my inbox getting wrecked by people who weren’t initially a part of the conversation or know the context of the entire discussion leading up to this.)

I’d be happy to discuss it with you on chat or something, but as it is, this’ll have to work. I’m going to preface this by saying that Hanzo doesn’t need to be (shouldn’t need to be?) justified as a character because sometimes, a character does shitty things and that shittiness (shittyness?) needs to be acknowledged and not justified for any reason because there’s no good enough explanation.

(I’m sure we’ve all experienced or done something like that in real life–did something so inexcusable without proper explanation, but there really isn’t one, and we have to accept it as is.)

I think it’s easy to look at the singular action of Hanzo killing Genji in a vacuum. Based on that singular event alone, and seeing how Hanzo acts afterward, it’s very easy to paint him as an asshole whose actions are inexcusable and he doesn’t deserve to claim that he’s the one who is hurt. In which case, absolutely. He should not act like he’s been wronged when he’s the one who started it.

But what if we start further?  

I want to look at the cause and what could’ve led up to it. Not to justify it, but to see where this could’ve come from. It’s my own opinion, but I think that people are very used to writers having their characters as is–no background unless it’s relevant to the plot, no thought of what sort of life they’ve lead up to this point, and is presented as a given. However, I see that the Overwatch team has put some effort into characters (the level of effort can be debatable, but I’m not interested in debating that), so I want to show some level of respect to the writers by trying to dig a little deeper into where, why, how–who is this character?

And I think a lot of it may have come from Hanzo’s circumstance, his relations with his brother, and his past. To understand it, we have to take a deeper look into Japanese culture (or Asian culture, in general). Now, I can’t claim that I have a complete understanding of anything, so a lot of this is just what I know (and perhaps experiences) and some speculation and logical deductions.

In life, Genji was given a freedom that Hanzo, as the eldest and the heir to a criminal syndicate, never truly enjoyed. That isn’t to say, however, that Genji didn’t have his own fair share of troubles. 「一族の恥」(ichizoku no haji)、the clan’s shame/the embarrassment of the clan is what they called him. We can leave the discussion about Genji for another day, but let’s look at how this affects Hanzo.

So from birth and even after his father’s death, he was held to a strict standard. Everyone was watching him. He was chosen by the dragons. He must not make a mistake lest he bring shame to his entire family.

In Japanese culture (and Asian culture), losing face is probably one of the worst things that could happen to you. In Western culture, it’s not that big of a deal if you embarrass yourself a little or you’re not as successful or you don’t have the respect of your subordinates. People will tease you about it, and move on.

In Asian culture, you’re pretty much fucked. No one will let you forget it, it becomes a part of you now. You will lose the respect of everyone around you, and depending on the level of face you lose, every piece of success you’ve built up can be lost in a second. It is an integral part of your identity and society. Losing face could make you a nobody, scorned, and an outcast. It can affect your job, your family, relations with neighbors, cost you that raise or promotion–it’s a big deal that cannot be contained to the words, ‘embarrassment’ or ‘shame’.

(For example: you’re at someone’s house and you’ve finished off your glass of juice, but you’re still thirsty, so you reach for more from the fridge. You’ve now made the host lose face because, by getting your own drink, you’ve shown your host that they suck at what they do and should be more attentive to you, their guest. You’ve made your host lose face. Now your host is embarrassed and that’s going to be a mark on them for a long, long time. If there were other people there, they would notice this, too, and give that person shit. This sounds absolutely silly because it’s a glass of juice, but it’s a big deal.)

Hanzo was losing face. He couldn’t control his brother. That’s a deep scar on his image, on everything he’s built up in his life. For Sojiro, his father, it was less of a deal–he let Genji do it and probably made it openly known that this was acceptable. And no one will go against Sojiro, the master of the clan and who could have them all killed in an instant.

But Hanzo?

He doesn’t have that rapport yet, so he’s subject to the scorn and nasty comments of his elders and the like. (I’m assuming there are elders and those in the clan who are of a high power that Hanzo cannot take action without consulting. It’s kind of like a Japanese company. While a President delivers the decision, the decision isn’t made it without consulting those who are affected and knowledgeable.) He can’t defend himself against them. 

Why? 

Because of the hierarchy. There’s a very specific type of hierarchy in Japan that’s difficult to explain because to understand it, you have to understand the intricacies of the culture and the dynamic of the clan, which we don’t particularly have.

(There’s a very good post about it by someone about Hanzo losing face on tumblr, but I can’t seem to find it at the moment.)

Regardless, that must’ve built up a lot of tension and repressed anger that he wasn’t allowed to express. Expressing your anger is not taken the same way as in the Western world. It’s…well, not to say it’s not acceptable, but it’s not taken the same way as it would be outside of Japan.

So, Hanzo has quite a bit on his plate. Why can’t Genji just do what he’s told? Why does he have to stand out? (As a side note, standing out in Japanese culture or disrupting the status quo is not looked kindly upon.There’s even a saying in Japanese: a nail that stands out gets hammered ( 出る杭は打たれる ).) So Genji’s defiance is another point of contention. Why does he have to keep disobeying his elders? Hanzo is Genji’s older brother. It’s his absolute responsibility to make sure his brother is kept in line. That’s the burden of being the eldest. If Genji isn’t in line, Hanzo has failed in his basic duties in being an older brother. (The implications are much more serious, and I’m not quite sure how to express it.)

He may be acing his studies, and listening to his father, but he can’t seem to exert the right amount of authority over those who should be listening to him. And his father isn’t helping by letting Genji do what he wants. He also has this constant pressure to do better because his best isn’t enough from both his family and the clan. Logically, they wouldn’t follow someone who is weak or doesn’t have his shit in order. But he doesn’t. There’s always something tripping him up, and that’s his brother. Not to blame Genji, because again, he has his own share of troubles, but from Hanzo’s point of view, he was likely the source of a lot of his resentment.

In short, Hanzo is a failure. His accomplishments, his perfectionism, none of it means anything if he’s constantly getting shit thrown back at his face.

I seriously believe that all the lines he says in-game to himself such as, “Never second best,” or “Unworthy,” or “You will never amount to anything!” were all just Hanzo projecting.

In the Japanese version, he refers to Genji as 「くず」 (trash). I don’t know what to make of this. I could take the angle that it’s Hanzo projecting onto Genji still, or I could speculate that he truly believes he’s superior, or take it a little more neutrally, he’s repeating what everyone else calls Genji. But if I had to guess, it’s a mixture of everything. This is something that stumps me a little bit, but the above is the best explanation I have for it.

When Hanzo becomes the master of the clan, he was probably told to put Genji in line. And Genji didn’t want anything to do with the clan. He wanted to live his life, enjoy it. But that sort of enjoyment came with certain responsibilities that he has shirked since the time of their father. But with Hanzo as the new leader of the clan, he had to put Genji in line or…do something about it.

It’s very likely that the rest of the clan saw this as an opportunity to make their name good, to get rid of those who stood out, to right everything. Their new leader is young and inexperienced without his father to protect him. So, Hanzo was presented with those two choices: straighten Genji out or kill him lest you bring more shame to the clan.

Now, Hanzo is given an opportunity to redeem himself and his image and the clan’s image. This goes beyond the redemption quest he set out for after Genji’s death. I think he was on one even before then. He can save face and fix everything if he listens to his elders (his betters in the hierarchy). He can fix everything if he can get rid of the problem–Genji.

He did it. He did not take an insult to his power passively, he rectified it by putting an end to it. He restored confidence in his clan as an assassin, as master of the clan, as his brother.

…but it wasn’t so.

After killing his brother, we all know he left the Shimada clan. We’re not sure if it was immediately after or some time after. The timing may be very significant, but as we do not readily know, we’ll skip over it for now. We can easily call his leaving an act of cowardice, or the result of his guilt, or that he wanted to do something he always wanted to do but never found an opportunity to do so. He wanted to leave. He wanted the freedom that Genji had, but couldn’t have because his immediate family still existed.

By leaving, he thought for himself for once.

Ah, not to mean that he was blindly following anyone’s orders or anything, but for once, he thought of himself. He was selfish. In Japanese culture, the collective comes first. The clan, the whole of Hanamura, the whole of society comes first.

But for once, Hanzo became selfish, and so, left everything behind. Here’s the funny thing though, by killing Genji, he found a way out for his freedom, but by killing Genji, he also managed to never fully express the envy and hate he may have had for his brother.

In many or most cultures, you’re supposed to revere the dead. It’s pretty much the same in Japanese culture.

Now he’s been mourning for ten years, still unable to express that hate that he has supposed buried when he killed his brother. And guess who shows up? Genji. Back to sling shit into his face again. Not only is he a failure as a brother for being unable to keep his brother in line, as the master of the clan by leaving, but also as a killer by having one of his most life-altering kills come back from the grave.

So, under such circumstances, I would absolutely be pissed beyond hell and vent in almost any way I can because pride is a fragile thing. Or at least, it is for Hanzo.

But here’s an interesting thought: I also wonder if he knew, deep down, that it would come to this. He didn’t seem entirely too surprised beyond the first few seconds. As a matter of fact, he seemed to have gone back to something more childish, acting almost immediately like a big brother–scolding his younger brother for something and telling him to get his life together. He slips into the role almost too easily.

We can chalk it up to shock, but couldn’t it be that he also knew he never actually dealt the finishing blow and that’s been nagging at him this whole time? Not that he gave his brother a chance to live, but that he let his brother suffer. If you’re going to kill someone you love, you’d make it quick and painless, right? We can argue that he never loved his brother, but we can also argue that he was warring with himself and couldn’t bring himself to do it.

I must sound like a broken record, but to me, it’s very interesting to speculate and think about. There are so many angles we can take on this and the possibilities are endless. But it could also be that his character could also be very simple broken down as an man who mistakenly thinks he is being wronged all the time.

But yes, your thoughts are valid and meaningful to me in a way that I can’t explain. They also gave me some perspective on why some people might not like him, and I really want to thank you for helping me expand my horizons. In light of that, I hope I’ve been able to articulate why he may be the way he is, whether he is justified in his behavior or not is a completely different story. I’m just interested in why.

(There was a lot more I would’ve love to elaborate on, but I think this would’ve actually turned into a research paper. I hope this has been helpful and sufficient in answering your questions even though it’s a little disorganized in its presentation. Again, it’s perfectly fine to dislike a character–not all characters are made to be liked, and not all people are expected to like all characters.)

[malachitelibrary]

Reiki: What happens with a bad attunement, and what can I do to avoid it?

Not all attunements are good. But what happens with a bad attunement?

First of all, what happens with an attunement, what IS an attunement?

What happens with an attunement is that it develops your energy system to have channels for certain kinds of energy to travel along. Attunements can also sometimes connect you to (theoretically) endless sources of energy, such as how reiki connects someone to the reiki source.  So, what happens in a reiki attunement is that you open up a connection to the source of reiki so that (unless blocked/damaged somehow) you will never run out of reiki energy in your body. Reiki channels are also formed everywhere in your body so that you can send reiki easily. Channels specific to energy sensing are also grown/improved.

All of this development is fueled by the reiki source and the reiki you are given.

Okay, so what happens with a bad attunement?

Energetically:

If your connection to the reiki source is shitty, what happens is that the channels grow and develop, yes, but since the connection to the reiki source is shit, you won't pull energy from the source and instead will "run out" of reiki energy in your body. Once this happens, the attunement will begin pulling from your energy in an attempt to complete itself. This hurts a lot. Additionally, sending reiki to yourself to complete the attunement will be extremely difficult, so if you don’t have a reiki buddy to call on (whether a friend, another student, or your master)...good fuckin luck dude, you’re gonna feel shit for a while. Additionally x2, your reiki channels need to be sustained by flow from the source of reiki energy. Without this source your attunement may weaken, or worst case scenario lose your attunement over time. 

Channels may be incomplete or undeveloped. This results in weak, pathetic, and/or bad quality reiki energy. 

Incomplete/Underdeveloped channels may disintegrate with time, causing you to “lose” your attunement (especially if your source connection is shit). 

An attunement from someone who’s energy clashes with yours could cause “fighting” against the reiki energy; your original energy system attempts to reject the reiki/the energy from the master because it sees it as harmful (if it’s fighting it, it likely is though there are ways to handle this so you do not have to get rid of the attunement/reiki channels entirely.) 

An attunement may rush to completion, causing tangles with other energy channels in your body. This may cause problems with those other channels as well.

Feelings-wise:

If the reiki has run out and is pulling energy from your body, you WILL feel like utter shit. It’s a certain whole body pain that feels markedly different from physical pain but still hurts a ton. It feels more “internal” or on “a different layer” from physical pain; this is because the pain is felt in your energetic or astral bodies. This will feel similar to if a spirit is draining your energy non-consensually and going way overboard. 

Obviously this should be considered AFTER you’ve made sure it’s not from any physical, mental, or emotional issues

Ability-wise: You may have trouble doing any kinds of energy work; raising energy, sensing, sending, and receiving energy may all become difficult Spellwork may become difficult

What can make an attunement worse/lower the quality of the attunement/#JustShitReikiMasterThings?

Your reiki master does not know energy work, or only knows the very very basics and no intermediate/advanced material.

 Advanced/Intermediate defined as: Forming energy grids, reading/healing energy systems (simply KNOWING a style of energy systems such as the chakra system and BEING ABLE TO PERCEIVE someone’s energy system in real-time are two entirely different things), distance energy healings, and anything else you can think of that you’d need prior energy work knowledge/experience to be able to do. 

      Another reason knowledge of energy work is important because in the case this happens, they may either 1) not believe you whether due to ignorant fluffy beliefs(“Ummm reiki is ONLY beneficial and NEVER harmful sweaty, what are you talking about it’s impossible to get harmed!! Namaste!!! uwu”) or ignorant lack of info beliefs (“Ummm I don’t think this is possible just because it’s never happened to me [and my clients haven’t had the energy work skills to tell this was happening either]”) or 2) not have the skill to help you (if they don’t have distance reiki experience, or can’t read energy systems, etc)  

Your reiki master gives you the attunement and does not: 1) give you reiki for an extended period of time afterwards (preferably at least 30 minutes minimum), and/or 2) have everyone in your class send reiki to each other for at least half an hour. Note that just giving the attunement itself is usually only about a 5 minute process, but the main/largest energy system developments can take as short as an hour, or several weeks depending on how much reiki you are given to supply that development. There is also a theory that addresses the system developments: it takes at least 3 days to move through each chakra/energy point which is why you should take at least 21 days between level 1 and level 2 for the energy to have worked its way through your whole system. And why you want at least 6 months between level 2 and level 3. After master level you will always be dealing with the energy constantly cycling through you to clear out and develop your reiki system (ty @crystalwitch-in-the-tardis!) 

You clash with the rest of your reiki master’s energy signature/their overall energy. My guys, when someone attunes you they’re going to be messing with your energy on a very in-depth level. If their energy hurts you or doesn’t feel good in some way, it’s going to hurt a looooooooot more when they attune you. You may say, “but won’t they be attuning me with just reiki energy?” Technically, yes you’re right, that’s what’s SUPPOSED to happen. HOWEVER, what happens in reality is that reiki gets colored by someone’s energy; it gets snippets, or maybe much larger than “snippets” if their channels don’t have the proper valves to prevent energy mixing. So when they send reiki to you/do your attunement, in addition to reiki you may be getting a good deal of their other energies as well.

Your master doesn’t know jack shit about reiki. A reiki MASTER, not knowing reiki? It’s more likely than you think. HHHHHHhhuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh. Uuughhhhhhhhhhhhh. uuuuuuAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnyways it’s really common. Yeah. Someone who jumped all the way to Master without doing research into reiki, how it works, general styles (examples: Usui Shiki Ryoho, Violet Flame, Dragon Reiki, Angel Reiki, etc), traditions of reiki (western versus eastern), they don’t know how to use the symbols or have limited knowledge of their uses, etc etc.

The Reiki Master gets easily offended if you question them at all or try to learn more (ESPECIALLY if they try to use their status as a Reiki Master(™) as a way to demonstrate that They Know More Than You, You [Fucking] Novice.) This isn’t directly attunement related but it WILL matter if you get a shit attunement and need help.

Not trying to demoralize you, but incompetent reiki masters are the most common ones unfortunately. Do your research and ask plenty of questions.

This is really scary!! What can I do about it/How realistically should I worry? 

Well, to find a good Reiki Master, do the opposite of the above! I assume you have sufficient brainpower and I was thorough enough that you can figure those out. But in addition to those:

Don’t whack on finding someone over the internet. A super amazing attunement done over a distance is going to be better than an average or even shit attunement done in person. (Also, there’s a symbol specifically for distance reiki/attunements so do not fret!) Look for photos or videos of them doing reiki on others; if you can sense reiki energy from the video (and it WILL be noticeable if they are the real deal) then it ups their chances of being legit. Visually (with your third eye and not your physical eyes of course), they will glow, the recipient will glow, their hands will glow and oftentimes, similar to a glowstick, if they’re drawing symbols you’ll see after shades of the symbol. If pictures aren’t an option, you should be able to tell by their knowledge. (Do study up on reiki on your own...I don’t plan on being an all-inclusive guide anytime soon lol.)

What makes a shit attunement more bearable?

You have energy similar to reiki; usually energy derived from earthen sources such as plant energy, fae energy, lots of water, earth, or air, energy of any other nature spirits, light energy, holy/divine; generally “light” or earthen considered energies.

You have energy work skills (go you!) or your friends have energy work skills and could help out. 

Your friends have reiki skills and could help out. 

Your reiki master is open-minded and can help you. 

It’s not your first reiki attunement ever. 

It’s a higher level (Reiki II and III and/or Master would be more bearable as you at least have reiki channels in the first place.)

What makes a shit attunement worse?  

You have dissimilar energy to reiki; usually non-earthen sources such as void energy, void-aligned demon energies, eldritch (ESPECIALLY if you have the darker/more intense strains….hooooo boy).***

Tfw no energy work or reiki friends, and shit master

It’s your first reiki attunement ever*** (Explanation below)

***THESE TWO ARE THE LARGEST FACTORS. If you have these two factors...man. Phew. It’s a trip (this is what happened to me… ;v; )

To end this article, I want you to know that unless you fit those two Largest Factors it probably won’t be that terrible. Note that a lot of this applies to your very first attunement ever. In follow-up attunements it likely will not be anywhere as terrible. Your first attunement is the most important one as you’re getting the ability to do and send reiki for the first time ever. If your first attunement does end up being shitty, don’t lose hope because it CAN be fixed! Again, with the right preparations and a skilled reiki master, a terrible attunement will be the exception and not the rule. If you have a great master, one that fits all the above stuff and more, you will have nothing to worry about!!

Suggested Reading on Reiki:

Reiki for Life by Quest

The Reiki Sourcebook

The Big Book of Reiki Symbols

The Original Reiki Handbook of Dr. Mikao Usui