#everybody will be like awwww connor doesnt even want anything for himself 💔💔but the practical things Are for myself you know . they will
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wait i just realized i dont have to spend my money on a recreational thing if i dont want to . brooo
#IK THIS SOUNDS LIKE BACKWARDS PROGRESS and eventually i do want to buy recreational things but rn i feel bad abt buying a big recreational#thing like new clothes or something when i have basic stuff i need to get (like my own shower stuff and like a few other things that i#forgot as soon as i started writing this but they were right here a second ago) but i feel bad NOT getting a recreational thing bc then#everybody will be like awwww connor doesnt even want anything for himself 💔💔but the practical things Are for myself you know . they will#make me happy and i will get use out of them and they will help me get better . and im not saying None of it will go to something just for#fun im saying rather than getting 1 big thing that while nice will make me feel guilty i can get like. a Lot of things that i will use often#and will feel less guilty abt and some recreational things that Bc theyre less expensive and bc i have the other things i will feel less#guitly abt. + i wanna be able to buy annie and Phoebe and maybe my dad gifts but im rly bad at shopping for gifts for my dad#and also hes not a big gift guy but i still feel guilty abt it ....#sry. i just thought about that like christmas shopping charity thing i did that one time as a kid where they got irritated with me for#wanting to buy food or gifts for my family and i was like . well hold on . its my money now so i can buy what i avtually want instead of#trying to figure iut what other people want me to buy so that i appear the happiest to them#did u guys do that a lot as a kid. doing things that adults wanted you to do so that you appeared to be happy Rather than doing things that#made you happy. if this makes sense at all .or rly just in general performing happiness Even when it isnt actually fully fake like your#actual emotions arent Convincing or real enough so you have to perform them so that everybody is satisfied with you. like opening presents#and stuff even when i love a present i tend to just say oh nice :] and ive gotten better about it now but i still do like. kind of#over perform happiness because as a kid everybody would judt seem kind of disappointed by my actual reaction. it doesnt matter that i Am#happy and enjoy the gift and am telling them that it only matters that i didnt react the way that They want a happy person to react. ETC.#DID THIS HAPPEN TO YOU whatever. its not rly that big of a deal i just got on a tangent I NEED TO GO SHOWER legit stopped eriting in my#journal To go shower and then got distracted on here. okay bye :]
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