#everybody say hi again to Shae :)

[themintyone]

Who up enjoying they elves

[dashboarddiaries]

Dashboard Diaries is a production of Atypical Artists, hosted by Lauren Shippen (@thelaurenshippen) and Cher McAnelly (@overchers). Our theme was composed by Lauren Shippen and mixed by Brandon Grugle. Art by Shae McMullin. Transcription by Laudable.

For bonus clips, ad-free episodes, and more, become a patron at atypicalartists.co/support.

[intro music]

Lauren: Hello, Internet! I’m Lauren Shippen, professional writer who never really got into YouTuber fandom or RPF despite the fact that I was a YouTuber for a time and did meet my partner through my creative career. 

Cher: Hi! I’m Cher McAnelly, semi pro shit poster who briefly attempted to become a YouTuber back in the day-

Lauren: Oh, interesting!

Cher: Yeah. With a grand total of one video. 

Lauren: Hell yes. I’m going to need more details on that. But first, this is Dashboard Diaries, a podcast for you – the folks who are in this internet bunker with us. We talk about what’s going on in our favorite hell site, get into what we like to call “tumbl-lore,” do fandom deep dives, and share the times when we’ve gone feral over a new ship.

So, Cher, how has your last month on Tumblr been?

Cher: Lauren, it has been a huge last month on Tumblr, perhaps one of my biggest months on Tumblr ever. I do have some news. After ten amazing years working as a member of the Tumblr staff I am officially logging ... or I have officially logged off as a staff member. I’m still a user. 

Lauren: Huge news!

Cher: Yeah. I am no longer working at Tumblr. So, more to come on what’s next for me. But overall just had the most fantastic ten years, a third of my life, working at Tumblr and I’m really excited to be on Tumblr again as a user. Which I haven’t been in a while. 

Lauren: Yeah, I mean as somebody who has a hard time sometimes listening to audio dramas as just a fan of audio dramas because I spend so much time listening to them for work, even if it’s something you love it can be really hard to then interact with it as a fan of the thing. So, I am very excited for you to get to be in the Tumblr eco system without it reminding you of the work that you have to do.

Cher: Thank you. I am so excited about that, too. I obviously was on Tumblr pretty much all day every day for the past ten years. But really not in a working capacity. And my re-blog activity on my personal Tumblr went down significantly. When I came to Tumblr I think I re-blogged in total 40,000+ things. When I started working there. And I’ve re-blogged less than 10,000 things in the ten years since I worked there. So, really, I have to step it up again. I have a lot of catching up to do in the re-blog eco system.

How was your last month on Tumblr, Lauren?

Lauren: It was good. Pretty normal in a lot of ways. Still seeing a lot of Interview With A Vampire stuff and enjoying that after season two. But one of the things that kind of consumed a lot of my personal dashboard and a lot of my own sort of thoughts about art and the current state of things in the world is this Atlantic article that came out at the beginning of the month. I don’t know if you have read this or seen any discourse about it on Tumblr, it’s been a lot on my dash but then again I sort of exist in a specific corner of Tumblr as everybody does. 

Cher: I don’t think I’ve seen it. No.

Lauren: So, it’s an Atlantic article called “The Elite College Students Who Can’t Read Books.” And it kind of sent ripples through a particular corner of the internet. Sort of bookish internet and author internet. And the article is about exactly what the headline says – the fact that all of these college professors are reporting that over the last couple of years they are having to assign fewer and fewer books because students get to college and they’ve never read a full book for school before. 

Apparently this is just a thing that has been happening. Obviously is part of it is due to COVID, right? And the fact that everyone’s attention spans and school ... obviously anybody who was in middle or high school in COVID, I’m so sorry. You got the shortest end of the stick. It sucks. But another piece of it is the fact that education has been moving towards testing metrics sort of being the measurement of success for the last couple of decades. Right? With “No Child Left Behind” and stuff from the 2000s. 

So, to that end, teachers have been having to focus more on using excerpts or sort of just getting the information that’s going to be on the test into kids’ heads rather than taking the time to read an entire book as a class and then discuss it in depth. And so there’s just been a LOT of discourse about this on Tumblr. Because I think that Tumblr is a really interesting intersection of like fandom culture that is very pro fan fic and very pro guilty pleasures don’t exist and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about anything you’re reading or doing or whatever. But then also a lot of people who take art very seriously. And I think there’s a lot of overlap in those two groups. Right? 

I think, yeah, a lot of people who read and write fan fic take art very seriously and a lot of people who are very serious about classical literature or whatever also enjoy reading things that aren’t that without sort of defining it as a guilty pleasure. Right? But there is sort of these two different sides of the debate in some ways where people are like, “Well, it’s totally like fine to just read YA, Romance, and Fan Fic because reading is supposed to be escapism and if that’s all that I want to read then that’s fine.” And then other people being like, “Yes, that is fine but also like no, you do need to read more than that.” You actually do need to read nonfiction books and adult literature and essays and short stories. Whatever else. But you do need to actually diversify your reading diet. 

I don’t know, what’s your view on this? Not having read the article but being given the overview.

Cher: I mean, I think I agree with the diversify your reading diet POV. Not from a “you can only read a little bit of your guilty pleasure” in the same way that I guess you would try and balance out what you’re eating and eat mostly fruit and veg and whole foods. Versus the desserts and the more “processed” things that maybe we’re equating the guilty pleasure reads to in this. I think read as much as you want but do make sure that there is a little ... check in ever so often and make sure that there’s a little variety in what you’re reading. I think we kind of become what we absorb and the information that we know. Yeah. So, I think even if it’s articles here and there and then the big meat, the big books that you’re reading are the fun reads. I do think it’s important to have some kind of variety in there. Especially educationally, I think a lot of the books that you’re assigned growing up become really formative in your development. It’s kind of shocking for me to think about people going through school and not reading these entire books or an entire book at any point.

Lauren: Yeah, specifically for school, right? Because we know that readership is up in a lot of ways. Especially in adults. But being assigned a book and having to read it and hating it and having to talk about it in a critical analysis way I think is vital. Over the summer, I went to a New York public school, right? And part of the curriculum for us was, yeah, we would read certain books throughout the year as a class but then also over the summer it was here is a list of 25 books you have to pick six off of them and read these six books in the next three months. And both that ... there’s so many books that I read in high school that I fucking despised. Right? 

The Scarlet Letter I think is just one of the worst books ever. I hate Nathaniel Hawthorne. But also Frankenstein rips. That’s a classic for a reason. Right? That book is so good. And I had a teacher my senior year of high school ... and to be fair I took an AP course. I don’t know how this interacts with AP or IB courses, what have you. But she was an ex-Catholic nun. And so needless to say, we did not see eye to eye on anything politically speaking. And she assigned a lot of religious writers to us, which was not great and I have opinions about but it also meant that I read Till We Have Faces by CS Lewis. Which is a book that I just simply would not have picked up because despite loving The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe and the whole Narnia series, I didn’t necessarily ... I sort of thought that CS Lewis’s adult fiction would be super, even more sort of directly Christian. But Till We Have Faces is just a phenomenal book.

So, I don’t know. I think that it’s important to read books that you hate and have to talk about them and explain why you didn’t like it in a way that is more than just, “I didn’t like it.” And I think it’s important to, yeah, have to read books that you wouldn’t have picked up and maybe discover that you love them. Especially since we have so many studies about how reading is a unique tool in developing empathy as you are growing up. And the ways in which you step into other people’s perspectives and shoes in reading specifically. Right? Obviously we don’t have the same amount of research into TV watching or video game playing or whatever else. But we know this about reading. And so I do think that a lot of what an art snob might see as the more fluffy things, like Young Adult stuff or Romance or whatever else. I think a lot of those things can still be great works of literature. 

I think one of the best books I’ve ever read is “I’ll Give You The Sun” by Jandy Nelson. It is a YA novel and has some of the most beautiful writing ever. But yeah, to your point about diet, yeah, you can’t just eat potato chips for your whole diet. And also you shouldn’t restrict yourself from eating potato chips. You have to do both things. That’s healthy.

So, anyway, it’s just been really interesting to kind of see the discourse on Tumblr about this and I would love to hear what our listeners have to say about your view on what we should be doing with youth and reading. Because I think there’s just a lot of interesting stuff happening in that particular sphere right now.

Cher: I really like your point about being assigned to read things that we don’t like or we’re not enjoying and then having to explain and find a way to articulate why we don’t like it and what about the book or the writing or whatever it is that we’re not a fan of or doesn’t draw us in. I feel like as you’re saying in the development of empathy and the development of interaction with others, being able to communicate why and how you feel what you feel is so important. And something that you can’t just do. You have to learn it. How many times are you feeling a certain way and you’re like, “how to say it??” 

Lauren: Right!

Cher: I feel like even critical discussion about a book that you’re not a fan of and why you might not like it is, yeah, flexing or developing that really key muscle that I think is huge developmentally. 

Lauren: Absolutely. I think it expands outwards into all kinds of art conversation, right? Another piece of discourse that I’m constantly seeing on Tumblr is sort of this tendency now to moralize when you dislike something. Right? To say, oh, I didn’t like that because it was problematic in these ways. Or because this particular thing sucks or this person involved with the project sucks and therefore this thing is bad.

The reality is that terrible, terrible people can still make good art and you have to be able to hold those two things in your head. Which I feel like maybe we’ve talked about before. I was having this conversation the other day and I can’t remember if it was the last time that we did an episode or a conversation I was having the other day. But I think that Buffy The Vampire Slayer is still one of the best TV shows of the ‘90s and I think an incredibly important piece of television and a very critical piece of feminist television. And it was made by, as we later discovered, a shitty misogynist. Right? And of course there were lots of people on that show who were wonderful and that shows owes so much to Sara Michele Gellar being the wonderful actress that she is. And I think the wonderful person that she is. But those two things are true. 

And so I think that not only is it good to be able to break down, “I didn’t like the Scarlet Letter because of these literary devices, or because of this narrative thing, or because of this particular style.” I think that it’s important to do that so that then when you get to the end of that thing – for instance, “A Farewell to Arms” that we read in high school that I just did not like. And by the time we sort of got done with analyzing it I’m like, fine, yes, Hemmingway is a good writer. This is constructed well. I can’t actually pick apart that much with the construction of this book. The reality is, I just don’t like it. And it’s just not for me. And that’s okay.

And that’s enough of a reason to not like something but I think that people want to sort of put a condition on disliking something that somehow makes them ... better?

Cher: Like have a moral high ground?

Lauren: Yeah, like have a moral high ground. Or just makes them seem smarter or more moral or whatever it is and it’s like, no, you can just ... that thing can just not be for you. And it’s fine.

Cher: Yeah, it’s almost like if you don’t like something that’s regarded as “highly intellectual work” or whatever, or it might be an important piece of literature – you need to qualify it with a moral justification or else you’re the “stupid one” or whatever in the scenario. Or that’s what people might deem you as for not liking something that everyone else thinks is such an incredible work of art. But I think art is subjective. So, yeah.

Lauren: Totally! 

Cher: I was thinking as you were saying ... “Grapes of Wrath.” I hated that book.

Lauren: Oh, I never had to read that book. Thankfully!

Cher: Oh my god. And we were assigned to read that entire book over spring break. And so naturally I waited until the day before spring break was over and had to spend the whole day reading “Grapes of Wrath.” Great work of literature. Important piece. Important book. I’m glad it exists. I will never open it again. 

Lauren: Yeah. (laughs)

Cher: I’m sitting here thinking of some of the really visceral moments and scenes in it and I’m just like [crosstalk 00:14:56]

Lauren: Sure.

Cher: I’m glad I read it and I’m glad I had to read it as a high schooler and I’m glad I don’t have to do that again.

Lauren: Yeah. I think that it’s important to be challenged and also I should say, you saving it for the last minute ... (laughs) you had all of spring break to read it. I want to be clear. I think that students should be assigned full books to read in high school. I don’t expect high schoolers to read all of them. I think a lot of high schoolers now do this in their spare time, but between the books that I was reading for school and the books I was reading for myself, I was reading 12 books a month. I was burning through stuff. Also because I didn’t have a lot of friends. And not a lot of stuff to do. But did that mean that I read every book that was assigned to me in full? Abso-fucking-lutely not.

I was on Spark Notes every week looking at something, trying to fake my way through some discussion about some book. And I think that’s also an important part of the experience. 

Cher: Faking it till you make it is also a key part. I wrote an entire essay on Othello without ever having opened the book. I did not know what Othello was about or how it ended or what happened in it. I got an 81 and I was so proud. (laughs)

Lauren: Amazing. 

Cher: I saw Shakespeare in the Park and it was Othello and I was like, “Oh, that’s how that ends!” 

(laughter)

Lauren: That’s amazing. Oh my god. To any English teachers out there that might be listening, we’re so sorry! We love you. You’re doing great work.

[guitar riff]

While we’re thinking about the crimes of our past, should we go into our Dashboard Confessionals?

Cher: Absolutely, Lauren. I picked a couple of key moments – both from my time working at Tumblr. I thought it was only relevant for my first episode as a non Tumblr employee. So, these are both from 2015. I started working at Tumblr full time in September 2015. And I started as an intern the year before. So, the first one is my Halloween costume that I asked a co-worker to take this photo of me.

Lauren: Incredible.

Cher: And for our listeners, it is a photo of me in a taco costume in front of a giant Tumblr sign that has a skeleton next to it. And the caption is “20 minutes into Taco Bell and chill and she gives you this look.” 

Lauren: It’s so good.

Cher: So, that’s that. I do have that costume. I am considering wearing it for Christmas ... uh ... I am considering wearing it for Halloween this year.

Lauren: Wear it for Christmas! It also appears to me that you are potentially eating tacos as well, or some sort of nacho bowl.

Cher: Oh. Yeah. I am eating a taco bowl at the same time. So, a lot to unpack there. A lot to taco-bout.

Lauren: A little bit of taco on taco ... (laughs) Excellent. 

Cher: And i did have Taco Bell for dinner last night.

Lauren: Nice.

Cher: So ...

Lauren: So, still Taco Bell and chilling.

Cher: I love Taco Bell. This is not, we are not sponsored by Taco Bell unless Taco Bell you want to sponsor us, because I love Taco Bell.

Lauren: Oh yeah! As a counter balance, I have never in my life ever had Taco Bell. 

Cher: LAUREN. Oh my gosh!

Lauren: I know.

Cher: If we lived in the same city we would be doing the next episode from a Taco Bell. 

(laughter)

And the next post we have here is a video of me and one of my co-workers. Shout out Mary Canon. Hi, Mary! This is a video from Tumblr hack day. And it’s just a short video of the two of us sitting on inflatable chairs with our computers and when it pans over to us it looks like we’re coding, but the funny thing is neither of us know how to code. So, we’re just typing stuff.

Lauren: It does look convincing though. It’s like the green on black background. 

Cher: Right? 

Lauren: Also, I didn’t realize those chairs were inflatable. 

Cher: So, when you say “at staff fics the website” this is who you’re saying it to. I just want you to remember that.

Lauren: These “pro” hackers. SO GOOD.

Cher: So, Lauren, what do YOU have for us this week?

Lauren: So, I went into my October 2014 archive. So, ten years ago. And I had four posts that I had re-blogged / made. One post that I made ... the post in our shared document is not the post that I made but it is essentially the same video. So, it is this interview of Benedict Cumberbatch on the Graham Norton Show from like, I don’t know, 2014 I guess. And it’s him talking about ... have you seen this? Do you remember this?

Cher: I remember this. Lauren. I don’t know how ... I just re-watched this video this weekend! 

Lauren: No way! 

Cher: We have a uni-mind going on here.

Lauren: Well, so I was talking, and I need to show him this ... I was telling my partner about this video the other day because I was like, “Have you ever seen ...” basically it’s a video of Benedict Cumberbatch being incapable of saying the word “penguin.” And as I’ll talk about later in the Feels Corner, I’ve been watching The Penguin on HBO the new DC show. And my partner and I ... we have just been calling it “le pen-gween.” We keep sort of saying penguin in various ways. And I was like, “Have you seen this Benedict Cumberbatch video where he pronounces ‘penguin’ in seven different insane ways?” And he had never heard of the video. And I was like ... and the fact that I look back ten years ago and I had re-blogged this video ... the stars have aligned. So, I cannot believe that you also just watched this video! 

That’s so good. 

Cher: Oh my gosh. The penguins are all marching to the same place. Again, my puns are really not on point today, Lauren. I got to step it up. 

Lauren: You know what? They’re always great. Even at your-

Cher: The penguins are really ...

Lauren: The penglings, the pengweens, the number of ways that he pronounces it, it’s amazing. 

Cher: Are there any words, Lauren, that you have trouble pronouncing?

Lauren: Oh, there definitely are. And I’m trying to think of what they are. Do you have some?

Cher: For the longest time, when I would mean to say “ethereal” I would say “urethral.”

Lauren: (laughs) Slightly different thing. 

Cher: Slightly different.

Lauren: That’s so good. Oh my god. Oh, actually, the thing ... so I have a couple of weird pronunciation quirks. But the one that I have no idea where it’s from. Me, my sister, and my mom all say it, so it’s got to be a thing from my moms’ family is that we say [KESH-SHOO] rather than [KASH-OO] (cashew). And i don’t know where that came from. I didn’t realize that it was weird until like five years ago. 

Cher: I almost want to say, “Bless you,” when you say it. 

Lauren: Right. No, that’s the thing. I never noticed that it was strange. But yeah. I’ll have to think about what else I cannot pronounce. But [KESH-SHOO] is definitely a big one.

[game show trill]

I feel like we’ve been on a real sort of 2014, 2015 kick recently. 

Cher: We have!

Lauren: Our main topic today I feel like fits into that quite well. And fits into the topic of last month’s episode of just like, “It’s 2014 again.” Right? Because one of the things that’s been trending recently is Dan and Phil. And I remember them trending a lot back in 2013, 2014, 2015. Cher, what is your knowledge of Dan and Phil? What was your knowledge back when they were first coming onto the scene? What is your knowledge now? Where are we starting?

Cher: So, my knowledge of Dan and Phil I would say is pretty general, pretty surface level. I have been aware of them for as long as I’ve been on Tumblr, especially since I started working there. They both were and are very, very active on Tumblr. My knowledge essentially, yeah, two best friends who Tumblr ships pretty consistently, who now may or may not be together, I think they are? But I don’t know if they are. Which I think is part of their shtick perhaps? Yeah, so they’re just to OG YouTubers who just get it and I feel like they’re very engrained in the Tumblr culture. 

They are both two of the people who have the biggest fandom’s on Tumblr and they are also I think two of the biggest super users of Tumblr on the other side of things. They really get it. And yeah, I think the Tumblr community has really followed them through and grown with them. I think there have been ... did they have a hiatus at some point? Did I make that up?

Lauren: They did. No, they did. Yes.

Cher: And yes, so now they’re back. They have a tour coming up. And actually there was some big Dan and Phil just like internet moments in the last couple of days as well. I don’t know if you saw that.

Lauren: Not in the last couple of days but leading up to it I did see that, yeah, October 18th is when I think one of them posted their first video or something, or they posted their first video ... so it was kind of an anniversary. So, yeah, have there been any major updates in the last couple of days?

Cher: Yeah, so they did on that day, I think it was ten years ago or 15 years ago, they did a video where they kissed or almost kissed and it was a big thing.

Lauren: Oh!?

Cher: They did again this week another video where they almost kissed. And so everyone was like losing it over the video. If you go to our drafts for Dashboard Diaries I have re-blogged ... or saved as drafts tons of posts, largely about this, because everyone is losing their minds over it. 

Lauren: Amazing. 

Cher: On the note of always being 2014 again ... I feel like there’s a really good post that sums it up that I also saved from user: rayghosts who said “Bill Cipher is alive, David Tennant is the doctor, a new Supernatural season might come out, Homestuck is updating, MCR and Fallout Boy will headline a tour together, Dan and Phil are gay, Ian and Anthony are making smosh videos again, and MCU Loki has his own show, new Scott Pilgrim show used the same cast as the movie, Josh Hutchison is being thirsted after.” It is 2014!

Lauren: It is 2014. It really is. (laughs)

Cher: So, what is your level of knowledge of Dan and Phil? Are you a member of the PHandom?

Lauren: Yes, PH, yeah. Because PHan is kind of their collective name. So, right before we hopped on to record this episode I re-watched a video that I made back in I think it would have been 2015, 2016 ... because as I’ve mentioned on the show before and as this show is somewhat inspired by I used to do a YouTube channel called According to Tumblr where I would try to explain things I knew nothing about based on just the Tumblr tag alone. 

And I did one on Phan. It was pretty much what you just explained. Right? The fact that these two guys are YouTubers. They’re best friends. I believe that they became best friends because of YouTube. They met on YouTube and then became best friends and moved in together. And they’ve been roommates for the last decade, I guess.

Cher: And they were roommates ...

Lauren: And they were roommates! And they’re British. In the video, which if you’re an Atypical Artist supporter you will see this video at some point. According to Tumblr videos are no longer public, but I have been sharing them in sort of a drip feed to the Atypical Artist Pals. So, if you want to support what we do here, you can also see those videos. But one of the things I talk about is how they both had in 2013, 2014 these swoopy emo haircuts and they’re British and that was just catnip for Tumblr at that time. Right? Those two things. 

But it’s interesting because in all of this I’ve sort of realized, and I’m curious to hear your perspective as somebody who also tried to be a YouTuber for a time, I want to hear what your one video was about ... WHAT are their videos about? What kind of YouTuber’s are they? Are the vloggers? What were they making videos about? 

I know they do video game streams and stuff now sometimes. 

Cher: I’m pretty sure they’re just vloggers. Like, “here’s what’s going on.” A lot of their videos were diving into ... they did one actually very similar to your series, Lauren, they dove into their tag on Tumblr. 

Lauren: That’s right!

Cher: And were going through a bunch of posts. This is a ten year old video. Did I drop the link in? No, I have it in my notes that aren’t on the dock but I’ll drop it in. I have so many YouTube videos. The amount of posts that they were scrolling through that were just first off incredibly chaotic. And second off I must find them. I don’t know how ... if I’ll go into their archive and see if they re-blogged them ... but they were incredible.

Also, a few years ago they wrote fan fiction about each other. Did you find this, Lauren?

Lauren: No! That’s incredible.

Cher: Each wrote a piece ... I didn’t write who wrote what, so I need to double-check but one is called “The Urge” and the other is called, “The Hand.” So, yeah. They’re just best friend vloggers. Very I would say ... came up around the same time as Tyler Oakley and very similar content wise. 

Lauren: Yes.

Cher: It’s like, here’s what’s going on in my day. Here’s what people are talking about kind of content. Yeah, lots of gaming. And I feel like the best friend angle and kind of shenanigans and adventures is a big part of it. 

Lauren: Well, I think we know that Tumblr is full of queer teens. And I think that Tyler Oakley is a great example of this. And these two being really appealing to queer teens, especially ... it’s so funny when I think about 2013, 2014 because it doesn’t feel that long ago. Right? But then I have to remember that in 2013 gay marriage wasn’t legal in the country. And it’s like, oh right! 

Cher: Wild to think about.

Lauren: We’ve made so much progress in the last ten years. It’s nuts, right? So, yeah, I think 2013 ... sort of early days of YouTube, that sort of 2007 to 2013 period, like, a lot of queer teens didn’t necessarily have other queer teens in their lives, like noticeably queer teens, and so they really gravitated towards these YouTube, the older sister, older brother kind of thing. Or like a crush or whatever, right? And so that was in the video that I made back in 2015 or whatever. One of the things that I mention and one of the things that’s a huge part of the fandom is shipping these two people. Right?

And in the video, ten years ago or whatever, I’m like, “I want people to do whatever they want on the internet,” but I’m not going to talk about this in-depth because real person shipping makes me kind of uncomfortable and I don’t know that I love it. I don’t do it. But whatever. People do whatever they want. I’m curious kind of if you are willing to talk about whatever view you have on real person shipping. It’s totally fine if you’re not. Yeah, what you think.

Cher: Yeah, I think it’s definitely something that I have felt ... at least personally not something that I’m a huge fan or have been a huge fan of. I always kind of try to avoid that para-social relationship with I guess especially with the air of celebrity or people that we’re talking about. Re-humanizing people, because I think people get so deep into fandom and shipping that they kind of start ... they forget the humanity of who they’re talking about a little bit. But I also can’t ... I think there’s a difference between being like I’m actively a huge ... I don’t know if I’m saying this correctly ... actively a huge shipper of someone versus these two people I would love if they ended up together, seeing that. I definitely ... despite those feelings about it, which are obviously very complicated and I’m working on articulating them, maybe I should have talked more about Grapes of Wrath in school, maybe it would have helped me articulate this more. But you do feel that warm fuzzy feeling when there’s a public couple that you think is so sweet or cute, or when there are people that you want to get together, that you’re like, “oh, it’s so cute that they’re together.” I feel like Tom Holland and Zendaya are a great example of this.

Lauren: Oh my god! Yes‼

Cher: No para-social relationship, obviously, but they must stay together forever. 

Lauren: They HAVE to stay together for my mental wellbeing.

Cher: Yeah. So, I have that kind of conflicting feeling about it where I’m like, I want to make sure to remember the humanity of people but also there is some fun aspects to it or like sweet aspects when you see couples happen in real life and you feel like ... they kind of feel like they know Dan and Phil, right? They’ve been following them for years. They’ve been watching their videos. It’s easy to get that kind of para-social relationship or feel that connection b because you do know a lot about their lives. I think it’s totally valid to then feel happy if/when they end up together and that’s something you wanted.

Lauren: Absolutely. Yeah, and I think that for the most part when we’re talking about para-social relationships tehse days we are talking about things like Chapelle Roan’s fans stalking her family and kissing her on the mouth. And things that we all agree are NOT OKAY.

Cher: Let’s not do that.

Lauren: Let’s not do that at all, please. But also I think that there are absolutely healthy para-social relationships, right? I think that I have a couple of podcasts that I listen to where it’s like these people are my friends and I’m just listening to my friends talk about something and it’s nice. It feels like I’m hearing my friends talk about something I don’t know something about. And I think that’s totally fine. I think that, yeah, a queer teen looking up to a queer YouTuber or whatever and feeling like that person is taking care of them in some way, is a role model to them in some way, cares about them in some way – I think that’s okay. I think that actually can be a really positive thing. 

I’m with you. I think what you articulated about real person shipping is basically what I feel now. I think the danger comes when it’s being thrust in the subject’s face. Right? Or it’s being commented on their videos. Or it’s being sent to them. Or it’s being replied to them on Twitter or tagged them on Tumblr. If you are directly putting that in someone’s face or harassing them about it ... right? And this is where I think the Dan and Phil thing is really interesting. Because a lot of queer teens gravitated toward them. But they were not out, right? So, part of this shipping was also people speculating about their sexuality. And eventually they did both come out as gay, I believe. And they’ve said that they’re very private people and that they have been in a romantic relationship at one point but it’s unclear if they are now. But I think they still live together. So, it’s like who knows? Right?

But it’s absolutely none of our business!

Cher: Yeah.

Lauren: And that I think is the important part, right? It’s the same thing whenever an actor who plays a queer character gets bullied into coming out. That stuff drives me fucking insane. 

Cher: I was sitting here thinking about Kit Harrington as you said that.

Lauren: Wait ... Kit Harrington?

Cher: Jesus, not Kit Harrington ... Kit Conner.

Lauren: I was like Kit Harrington!?

Cher: Kit Conner. Thank you.

Lauren: Absolutely. Yeah.

Cher: A different British Kit.

Lauren: Yeah. I was also thinking of Kit Conner. That breaks my fucking heart.

Cher: Yeah. It just truly, no words. Especially I mean obviously at any age but for especially a young actor just coming into the space. Playing this role. And just immediately getting piled on and feeling forced to share this intimate part of himself that frankly is no one’s business. Unless he wants it to be. Unless he wants to share it. And also just ... coming out is such an important and pivotal part of the queer journey. And to feel forced to do that – oh gosh, it just feels so icky that ...

Lauren: It sucks. Yeah.

Cher: Yeah. And the things is, I feel like largely the people who forced him are the people who are supposed to be supporting him and his fans!

Lauren: Exactly! Yes, exactly! I think that ... obviously I have no idea how Dan and Phil feel about this but it seems to me like they just basically ignored this sort of speculation for years and years. And eventually, I hope, came out on their own terms. As the world got more accepting and they got older and maybe got more comfortable with themselves or whatever. And I frankly love that they haven’t confirmed if they’re in a romantic relationship or not.

Cher: I hope they never do.

Lauren: Yeah, I hope they never do! And I hope that they continue to live together and I hope that one day we just see them with wedding rings on and they never confirm anything. I love that shit. 

Cher: They just keep acquiring more children and you’re like ...

Lauren: Exactly. Are they just co-friends or ...

Cher: [crosstalk 00:36:09] Yeah. 

Lauren: Yeah, we are not ... even though they are vloggers and they are celebrities in part due to them letting people in on their personal lives, they still get to decide what that looks like, right? 

Cher: Yeah.

Lauren: And I totally agree with you, too, on despite the fact that I’m not really inclined to real person ship, I’ve never written or read fan fic for it. There’s not like any celebrity relationship that I actually care that much about. But yeah, when Tom Holland and Zendaya got together I was like, fuck yes, this is great! And same thing with Carrie Russell and Matthew Reese being a married couple in The Americans and then one day just being like, “Oh by the way, Carrie is pregnant and we’ve been in a relationship for the last couple of years.” (laughs)

Cher: I love it.

Lauren: I love that shit. And then them talking about how they would sneak off set to make out in the first season.

Cher: Are you kidding me!?!

Lauren: That’s so great. 

Cher: I love it when fan fic becomes fan fact. That’s so nice.

Lauren: Exactly. 

Cher: I’m just thinking about the Tom Holland umbrella lip sync battle video which everyone is like, is this him courting Zendaya? Which ... yes!

Lauren: Yes, it was. 

Cher: Which never gets old. Iconic. Amazing. If someone did that dance I would marry them. 

Lauren: Oh, 100%. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think that a lot of people enjoy celebrity gossip but I think that for the most part, again, that’s mostly okay and I know that there’s been so much ... I have seen a lot of chatter in the last couple of months about Ben Affleck and JayLo breaking up and then people shipping Ben Affleck and Matt Damon since the dawn of time. And that whole thing.

Cher: Which I do love their friendship.

Lauren: Oh, their friendship is so great. Yeah, again, I think that stuff is mostly fine but that’s the kind of stuff that I don’t really have an opinion on. I don’t really care if celebrities break up as much as I care ... yeah, when two people are like, oh by the way, we actually have been in love for a long time. That always makes me really happy.

Cher: Yeah. It’s interesting to see ... I think it was much bigger maybe 10-15 years ago than it is now, with those very obvious post film PR relationships because people would be so into shipping the leads from the movie or the show or whatever it was. Rachel McAddams and Ryan Gosling. Were they really together after The Notebook? I think so ... but definitely helped with PR for it. I can think of so many movies where the main couple were “dating” for a time around press season. Which I think yeah ties ... it’s clearly what people want to see. I think people love love and want to see it. It’s overall a positive thing as long as you’re keeping it positive and not shoving it in people’s faces or replying to them. Yeah. 

But yeah, to be happy for people or to want them to fall in love ... look, I shipped four of my friends, two of my friend couples, very strongly. And they’re both married to each other. 

Lauren: Yeah, exactly!

Cher: Shipping works. 

Lauren: You know what, it does. Ship the people in your real life. 

Cher: Stop shipping celebrities, ship your friends. 

(laughter)

Lauren: Yeah, I’m totally with you. I do just think people love love. And it’s nice when love stories turn out to be true. And so yeah, Dan and Phil, keep doing what you’re doing. I’m just really happy for their fans that they’re back and doing things and being more of who they are. I think that’s something that’s been really nice since scrolling through the tag is sort of like a lot of these fans who were very young when they first started watching these guys, who are now adults, and kind of seeing like these two people become more of themselves, become more open with who they are and more comfortable with who they are, in the same way that the teens who watch them have become more open with who they are. And sort of just like it’s one of those – look at how far we’ve come. Look at us both! 

Cher: Yeah, very wholesome. Very sweet. And it does feel like, as I was prepping for this episode, I just had their videos up and I just had them playing as I was doing stuff. And it does feel like you’re hanging out with your friends. You’re just sitting there, they’re chatting, it kind of almost feels like you’re kind of in the conversation, too. And yeah, I think growing up with a fandom as a fan of something is so special and I think it’s especially special as you said ... Dan and Phil’s fans have grown up with them. 

Lauren: Yes.

Cher: And as you said, as they’ve come into themselves more, as they came out, things like that, shared these things about themselves, I am sure so many of their fans felt inspired to do the same, or empowered to do that same, or just a little more comfortable in their own skin because someone or two people that they look up to are comfortable in their skin.

Lauren: Exactly.

Cher: Yeah.

Lauren: Yeah. No, I love that. I think I’ve had those types of para-social relationships before. Right? Lee Pace and Janelle Monae were two celebrities that when I was a teenager i was like obsessed with them. And when Arc Android came out I was entering college and I was just watching Janelle Monae music videos over and over again. Because both of those people just give me a lot of bisexual and also gender feelings. I think part of me, as I was figuring out my sexuality and figuring out sort of how I felt about gender and things like that, I think that a part of me hoped that what I was sort of seeing in both of these people was something similar to what was inside of me, right? 

Yeah, I did feel really happy when they both eventually came out. Right? I was sort of like, oh, yes, we are part of the same family. I don’t know. I totally understand that particular impulse I think.

Cher: Absolutely. I very much felt the same amount and honestly it ties well into our next Feels Corner segment. I’ve been re-watching Twilight. It’s one of my comfort series. And in these past couple of weeks when I’ve had a big life change I’ve been watching Lord of the Rings and Twilight and those kinds of things. And yeah, I very much felt the same way you’ve been describing about Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Didn’t even realize I was bi at the time. But was like, I love both of them in a very intense and similar way. 

And growing especially watching Kristen Stewart come into her own and come out and clearly become so much more comfortable in herself and you can see it just kind of radiate out of her. Her self love and self acceptance and how the way that she’s carried herself has changed. I love her style and the way ... I don’t know, I just think it’s been very special to have ... definitely t his para-social relationship with someone. Maybe I’ll meet her ... probably won’t, you never know. But I definitely think I was able to ... when I was still trying to figure out and maybe struggling a bit more with my sexuality or queerness, it helped me love myself more because I was like, she is so badass ... I too am.

Lauren: Totally.

Cher: We are similarly badass in that way. 

Lauren: Yes, totally.

[gentle music]

So, beyond that, what else has you in your feels? Let’s head on over to our Feels Corner.

Cher: Yeah, honestly, I think the biggest thing that’s had me in my feels the past couple of weeks has just been feeling so much gratitude for Tumblr. Tumblr has me in my feels. I love this website. I cannot believe how lucky I am that I got to spend a decade working there. On my favorite place on the internet, working for my favorite place on the internet. I love it so much. And it’s just such a special place and community. Yeah, I think just that definitely – just Tumblr as a platform has me in my feels for the impact that it’s had on our lives, on so many people’s, on Dan and Phil and their PHandom. So yeah, that’s what has me in my feels. Just a small thing.

Lauren: Just a small thing ... just a HUGE seismic shift in your life ... 

(laughter)

Cher: What about you, Lauren?

Lauren: I’m trying to remember if I’ve mentioned this on one of our recent episodes. Have I talked about The Penguin yet? Other than earlier for this episode?

Cher: No, you haven’t.

Lauren: Okay. Good. So, yeah, The Penguin has me in my feels. Have you watched it yet?

Cher: I don’t even ... I have never heard of it. 

Lauren: Oh my god. OH MY GOD! Okay. Wow. So, are you familiar with the Batman villain, The Penguin?

Cher: Yes.

Lauren: Okay. So, HBO Max, whatever we’re calling it now, has made a TV show kind of like origin story of The Penguin called The Penguin. 

Cher: Amazing.

Lauren: So, it’s DC comic book franchise thing. And it’s like franchise shows are ... can really run the gambit of quality. Right? And they certainly have in the last couple of years. But this is starring a truly, truly unrecognizable Colin Ferrell. Every episode I’m like, how are you under there? It’s got some of the most amazing prosthetic work that I’ve ever seen in television. He just looks like a different person. But it doesn’t seem like he’s wearing a costume. You think that’s what that’s person looks like and it’s actually just Colin Ferrell under there doing an old school New York accent. It’s incredible.

So yeah, we watched the first episode of this ... we watched the fifth episode last night. It’s now been on for five weeks. And after the first episode we were like, wait a second, that was good! Right? We just watched a franchise show that where the pilot was good. And then we watched it next week and we were like, wait, this show is really good. It’s really good. It’s just good, strong storytelling, and it’s funny ... I’m not a mob person. I don’t really find mob in media inherently interesting. I’ve never seen The Sopranos, I’ve never watched Sons of Anarchy. I just don’t find that ... I just don’t like it really. It’s not something that appeals to me. But this is very much along those lines. It’s also got Cristin Milioti just absolutely a most unhinged hot in this show, this daughter of a crime lord. 

But I am so emotionally invested in this show. A huge part of it is the fact that in the first episode ... this isn’t really spoiling anything ... The Penguin kind of ends up taking this character Vic under his wing as a mentee. And this kid is ... I want to wrap him in cotton wool and just protect him from the world. And I can already tell that it’s going to be very much a Walter White / Jesse Pinkman type of relationship. That’s already what it’s growing into, except Vic is in such a sweeter, softer place than Jesse Pinkman was when he started. And so I’m just like, I’m very, very in my feels about that. 

And to call up one thing in particular that I think was especially well done and that I think will appeal to Tumblr in particular, because I know that Tumblr is always looking for good meaningful representation of things that are not often shown on screen, there’s this scene in either episode two or three where Oz, The Penguin, and Vic are talking about ... they’re having lunch at this fancy place and they’re about these underdogs trying to kind of move their way up in this crime world, and they’re talking about kind of the way that people perceive them and Oz trying to sort of always overcome the way people perceive him. Because he’s in the show ... I don’t know what it is in the comics but in the show he’s called The Penguin because he waddles. And does that because he has a disability in one of his feet and wears a brace on his foot. And has a limp, essentially. He also has a lot of scars on his face. And Vic has a stutter.

And they have this conversation that’s like so subtly about being disabled in a way that I’ve just never seen on TV before. I’ve never seen two characters who have disabilities talk about the way that the world perceives them. And it’s done in a way where it’s like ... after the episode I was talking to my partner about it and I was like, “I just love that scene so much. I’ve never seen two characters with disabilities talk about that in that way.” And he was like, “Oh my gosh, I didn’t even think about it that way but you’re so right.” And it’s like, well yeah, it’s good writing. It’s not like shoving the representation in your face but I have arthritis and for many months when I first got it I did use a cane and I ... but it was also like an invisible disability, right, I was in a lot of pain so unless I had my cane you couldn’t really tell that I was disabled. And it still sometimes is disabling if I have a really bad flare-up. 

So, I was coming at it from that perspective. And it really rang true to me in a lot of ways. And so I don’t know, I just ... it’s really good writing. I want to protect Vic with everything in my life. And I’m so worried that he’s going to be murdered in some terrible way. So, that’s my long, long pitch for why you should watch The Penguin. 

Cher: Well, I definitely will. I have a lot of time. And I love ... I similarly will watch any comic book spin off show. The bar is always on the floor. I never have hopes for it. I’m always excited for it to be ... Agatha all along, another one where, holy shit, this fantastic. 

Lauren: So fun.

Cher: So, yeah, I will definitely be watching it. And I also, on the note of representation and talking about disabilities in a way that doesn’t feel like it’s being shoved in your face, I think that nuance is so important in television and film. Where it’s like just tell the story and this character happens to have an aspect about themselves that would be representative of perhaps a community or group of people that don’t regularly get represented in film. And just integrate it in as you would integrate in any other thing into a scene. You know? I don’t know why-

Lauren: Exactly.

Cher: ... it needs ... I feel like so often it’s like, okay, we’ve cast this character to be representation, we’re going to make this big statement, and it’s going to be very obvious, and that is the exact thing that makes people get all up in arms for lack of a better phrase I guess about, oh, it’s just representation. It’s like, no, no, that’s sloppy representation. 

Lauren: Right. It’s bad writing. 

Cher: Yeah. When you tell a story that is representative of the world in which we are in, it will naturally have a variety of people and identities and disabilities and what have you to represent if you look for them and telling it on a story. You know what I mean? As you’re saying – good writing. It makes such a dramatic difference. I feel like this is my gripe with Grays Anatomy, a show I will never stop watching because I’m not a quitter. Recently it’s like I feel like they just were like, “What boxes do we want to check this episode?” 

Lauren: Yeah ...

Cher: You know? I mean, they’re on season 20 whatever and this is a brand new prestige DC spin off ... so I realize it’s different. But it’s really great to see that type of good writing is becoming so much more common place and we just see more and more representation across the board in more entertainment and in a way that is woven in such a way that, yeah, you might not even notice it. But it’s there. And it being there will help change people’s perspectives and viewpoints and I don’t know just help people be more aware of the world in which we live. And that it’s not just the same story.

Lauren: Exactly. Yeah. And I think another thing that The Penguin has done really well is the fact that The Penguin is inherently a fat character who waddles. That’s why he’s called The Penguin. And so Colin Ferrell is wearing, I believe, unless he gained a lot of weight for this role, I believe he is wearing a fat suit and I think a lot of people have problems just inherently with actors wearing fat suits. Right? You should cast a fat actor for a fat role. And so I can’t speak to that sort of particular part of it because I am sure there’s lots of varied opinions on him doing that. And a lot of those opinions I’m sure are very valid. But I will say that he is a villain, we are watching a story in which the Villain is the protagonist, and there’s also no hero. He’s not fighting Batman, right? He’s against other villains. It’s crime lord against crime lord, right? But he is a villain and has a villain origin story in many ways. And he does a lot of villainous things. But the fact that he is disabled, the fact that he is fat, the fact that he has facial scars – the world treats him a particular way because of those things but he is never villainous because of those things.

Right? And I think that’s a very fine line to walk because so many ... especially comic book characters are either disabled in some way or they’re queer coated in some way and it’s sort of like this comparison of, oh, these qualities sort of make you inherently a villain, right? Or all villains have a slash through their face, right? Some big scar. And I don’t think that the show is doing that really. And also for what it’s worth, I think it’s also doing a lot of great stuff around being a woman in the world. And it is mostly written by women. It was created and a show run by a woman and there just aren’t a lot of franchise shows that are that way. So, anyway ... I could talk about The Penguin for another 30 minutes. (laughs) 

Cher: Well, why don’t we do ... we should do a DC spin off, or comic book spin off episode or something.

Lauren: Yeah, we totally should.

Cher: Yeah, diving into character stories or something. Because I’ll watch The Penguin and then we should talk about it more. 

Lauren: Please do, yeah. But for now ...

I’m Lauren Shippen, and you can find me at TheLaurenShippen.Tumblr.com.

Cher: And I’m Cher McAnelly and you can find me at OverChers.Tumblr.com. 

This has been Dashboard Diaries. And ... 

[outtro music]

Lauren: May your anons always be loving.

Cher: Your dash always refreshed.

Lauren: Your gifs always be loading.

Cher: And your ships always canon.

Lauren: May the fics you’re reading always be finished.

Cher: And the answers you seek always in the re-blogs.

Lauren: Thanks for scrolling with us!

This month, we talk about the return of Dan and Phil and the strange realities of having your life be entertainment. Also, Cher has some HUGE news and Lauren gets emotional over a penguin (no, not Pesto).

Credits and transcript in our reblog. You can find transcripts for this, and every other episode, here.

Find the posts discussed in this episode in this tag!

[dreamsburntdown]

It's been a while - apologies for the delay. Here comes part 4!

For the 2015/16 season, Yuzuru decided to keep his short program from the previous season, Ballade No. 1. by Chopin. The 2014/15 season was a bit unlucky for Yuzuru and because all of the injuries and illnesses, he wasn't able to skate his SP clean the season, so his decision to keep the SP was understandable. For the long program he decided to work with Shae-Lynn Bourne again, who choreographed a new free skate for the music of the Japanese movie, Onmyoji. This movie tells a story about Abe No Seimei, an onmyoji, who lived in the Heian period of the Japanese history, around 1100 years ago. He was a mysterious man and is considered a legendary figure in Japanese folklore. So, Yuzuru portrayed this character in his new program and he named his new free program, 'SEIMEI' (by the way, if you haven't watched the movie yet, go and watch it, it's available in the internet with English subtitles and it is a fun movie, in which Mansai Nomura plays the character of Seimei really well).

Yuzuru was finally physically well in 2015 and everybody was looking forward to his performances in the new season. He won Autumn Classic International, where he participated for the first time, and he finished 2nd behind Patrick Chan at Skate Canada. In the beginning of the season, Yuzuru skated his SP with one quad, a 4T, and a 3Lz-3T combination, though at Skate Canada he not just doubled the planned quad but he also doubled the planned 3T in his combination, making both of these jumping elements invalid (at that time, the requirements were so harsh in the short program). So he made a big decision after this competition: for his second Grand Prix competition, at the NHK Trophy, Yuzu changed his layout and put two quads in his short program: a quad Salchow first, then a quad Toe-loop-triple Toe-loop combination. It was technically a huge step forward.

Yuzuru's free program was also much more difficult technically than his previous free program, the Phantom of the Opera. It now included three quads, a 4S, a 4T in the first half, and a 4T-3T combination in the second half of the program. Plus, two triple Axels, both in combination and both in the second half of the program. And with this new program he showed something completely different than what we've seen from him before, ha showed us a new side of him.

By the time the end of November - the NHK Trophy - came, Yuzu was in absolute top form. He not just skated his upgraded SP perfectly for the first time - which earned him a new world record (106.33)- but he also skated a completely perfect free program as well, shattering the new world by becoming the first man to go over 200 points in the free program (216.07), and 300 points overall (322.40). He won the competition by 56 points! These programs weren't just perfect jump-wise, but had gorgeous spins, transitions, step sequences, had intricate choreographies and Yuzu performed to them so well. A lot was already said about these performance in the past years, but let me just say one thing: Yuzu set the bar in men's figure skating to a completely different level with these performances. He showed that it was possible to skate to extremely difficult programs with the highest quality, and this combined with incredible performance qualities as well, all in one program. The balance between the technique and artistry is there. Before him, some skaters were great artistically, but not so strong technically; or the contrary, they were strong for example jump-wise but less so in other aspects, in skating skills, spins or in performance quality.

Yuzuru has repeated his incredible performances at the Grand Prix Final in Barcelona, which earned him three world records again (the combined score, 330.43 remained the historical world record pre-2018). This was his third consecutive Grand Prix Final gold medal.

These performances at the NHK Trophy and the Grand Prix Final were historical and in many ways probably the most important performances in the men's in this decade.

The bar was so high, and Yuzu looked so unreachable that from now on, judges decided to overscore other skaters so much - in order to make the competition more exciting and making sure Yuzu wouldn't win everything in sight after these competition. Alexander Lakernik, vice president of ISU explicitly talked about this as well. What a mistake it was. I could write a lot about how judging started to go downhill because of this and although there were always judging problems in skating before this, things got worse a lot quicker after Yuzuru reached the stars in 2015/16. Simply because Yuzuru was that good and the leading people in the sport didn't want to accept this.

A few weeks before the GPF my and my friend were considering going to Barcelona, but then we decided not to go because of conflicts in work schedules. Of course, after NHK Trophy and GPF, I regretted it deeply not to go to Barcelona, and I thought to myself, that next time I will do everything to go and watch Yuzu in person. I showed his performances to many people, including my co-workers which I don't usually do at my workplace, haha.

In December, after the glorious GP season, Yuzu won his 4th Japanese Nationals title, and after that he stayed in Japan for a while. Sadly, little did we know at that time that a ligament injury in his left foot was getting worse.

After the incredible successes at the GP Series, everyone was expecting Yuzu to win his second World Championships gold medal. I remember how excited I was before the competition in Boston.

The tension was really high at Worlds, but Yuzu skated a beautiful short program, his lead was 12-point after the SP. So everything looked really well. Then came the free program which was something else. Yuzu's left foot (the take-off foot of the Toe-loop) was in such a bad condition that he even changed the 4T in the second half for the 4S. He made mistakes in the free program and he had to settle with silver medal - the same as last year (and he again lost to Fernandez). I was extremely sad for Yuzu, and I also felt frustration, because he was the best skater and after last season's problems he would have deserved the Worlds gold medal so much with these two great programs. The atmosphere was bad after the competition, I didn't really understand Brian Orser's attitude either.

We didn't even know about the severity of Yuzu's injury, or that he had thoughts in his mind, at the gala, that this might be his last competition. Watching 'Requiem of Heaven and Earth' was heart wretching, and of course it was more so after we learned about how injured he was at that time.

I was a fan of Yuzuru until 2016, but I became a die hard fan after what happened to him in Boston. I decided to cheer for him even more after this event.

He had to rest for months and decided not to skate in any shows in the off season. It all scared us a lot. When the news came that he was back training and preparing for the new season, it calmed me down.

I really hoped that he wouldn't have a big injury again leading up to the Olympics in 2018. I was waiting for the new season, 2016/2017 with new hope in the fall of 2016.

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] - to be continued soon.

[shimmershae]

Okay. So I did one of these wish lists last season and got gifted way more than I ever could have anticipated so I thought why not do it again?

Shae’s wish list for Season 11.  

Putting it under a cut because it’s long and rambling.  And it will probably be revised and/or added to whenever the mood strikes me.  

Things I want to see in Season 11:  

 The actual episode.  Why the hell does everything have to be so dark in the literal sense?  

Carol and Daryl to have an epic reunion that will totally blow the reunion in the woods outside of Terminus out of the water.  C’mon.  It really feels like the stage is being set for it and you know Angela loves her callbacks.  What better moment to revisit than this one?  The one where we all just knew these two were embarking on something new (only they didn’t, not in the way we’d hoped)?  Like, it’s a seemingly insurmountable task but I know Norman and Melissa have it in them again.  The real question is:  do the writers?  

Judith and RJ bonding with Aunt Carol and her telling them stories of the old days and all the people they didn’t get to meet.  What better way to foster our nostalgia and make us remember why we fell in love with this show and its characters in the first place?  

More Carol and Dog because those scenes in Diverged were the epitome of precious. 

More Princess.  Princess’s “meet and greets” with all our community members, yes.  But Princess’s first meeting and assessment of Carol and Daryl.  Methinks she’d have something mighty interesting and enlightening to say.  

All this angst for Daryl and Carol eventually building to a head and Kang finally delivering on that “heart to heart” she mentioned what feels like a million and one years ago. 

Aaron and Gracie scenes because Aaron is such a good daddy, ya’ll.  

Rosita continuing to have significant screen time and not having to step back into the shadows just because Maggie is back.

Speaking of, I’m glad Maggie is back.  I really am. For the simple fact that Baby Hershel is the cutest alone.  But I’m not happy that everybody so far seems so ready to just defer to her when they’ve been perfectly fine making it without her.  That is not okay and that shit needs to stop soon-ish.   

Hershel making fast friends with Judith and RJ and Gracie and all the Jabila kids.  They’re the next generation, ya’ll.  I just really need this.  

More Jerry and Nabila, please.  Because I have a special soft spot for my Jabila.  

Jerry and Ezekiel scenes.  Because Jerry is Ezekiel’s person and the truest bond he has on the show.  

Kelly and Lydia striking up a friendship because Kelly’s a sweet cinnamon roll and Lydia is in desperate need of friends.  

More scenes of Lydia, period, and not just her seeking out Negan because they both feel like outcasts.  Lydia was raised in Hell.  Negan wreaked Hell.  It’s different and I don’t appreciate the heavy-handedness of Angela trying to make Negan into something he has no right to be.  Leave him at an antihero if you must persist but stop trying to convince us he’s earned his place as a good guy because he hasn’t.  JDM may have risen to the challenge of making him a much more compelling, shades of gray character these past two seasons, but Negan is still the guy that gleefully bashed Glenn’s head in with a barb-wire wrapped baseball bat and if he’s not going to show remorse about it?  The least he can do is show the common sense not to go out of his way to antagonize Maggie.

Kelly reuniting with Connie and Carol getting to have a hand in doing in.  Some acknowledgment from Connie that she chose to go back into the cave with Magna would be nice but ultimately not necessary because I don’t think Connie blames Carol at all.  

Dog surviving the season unscathed and getting all the cuddles he deserves.  

The not-so-rosy truth about Leah being exposed and Daryl making his choice clear once and for all.  Spoiler alert?  Leah doesn’t even rank.  

I’d love the fake dating/fake marriage trope to be trotted out at the good old Commonwealth with Carol and Daryl because I think it would be so much freaking fun and hey. If Kang is going to continue to give us fanfic (unknown child, a la Rick and Michonne), why not try out a true blue?

Some freaking clue as to why/how Rosita and Father Gabe hooked up.  Like I just don’t get it, especially when you consider Siddiq was RIGHT THERE.  The amount of distrust Rosita and the rest of Team Family had in him back in the early days of their arriving in Alexandria.  I just find it hard to wrap my mind around this relationship when it wasn’t even on the radar pre-time jump. 

That said, Father Gabe did have a great scene with Judith in (what was then) the Season Finale where he gave her a message for Rosita and I did find it touching.  So I dunno, ya’ll.  I could be persuaded.  But not all that easily.  

Some resolution to the whole Virgil thing.  Talk about your random characters in the right place at the right/wrong time.  Him promising his wife flowers every day touched me but come the fuck on. 

More Carol and Lydia scenes and more Carol and Kelly scenes because Carol with these young ladies gives me life.  You know what?  Carol getting to interact with and have friendship with any and all of the ladies gives me life and should be a regular thing.  Like TPTB missed the opportunity of a lifetime having Carol and Michonne sharing all kinds of bonding scenes.  It would have been so poignant to watch them relate to each other over their lost children.  

Can we please get some Commonwealth scenes where the kids of Alexandria learn how to be actual kids?  I mean, not that they aren’t already, but I’d love to see them have the chance to be carefree and have fun.  You know, though, that Jude is definitely going to be a tough little nut to crack, and she’s always going to be keeping one eye open for trouble.

Speaking of Commonwealth, I’d love to see all our faves dolled up, lol.  Yes, it’s a rather shallow wish, but can you imagine Carol in a simple but beautiful dress and Daryl utterly tongue-tied to the point that the kids--Lydia, Judith, and RJ--just start giggling uncontrollably and Carol and Daryl both blush?  Because I can and it is glorious.   

Let the villains villain.  Not everyone needs to be redeemed.  Some people are just too far gone.

You know what?  It’s past time to let Carol in particular unpack some of her trauma and cast it aside so she can move on that future Daryl keeps reminding her they have.  She and Daryl are way overdue for a heart to heart where she just opens up a vein and lets it all flow.  It’s the only way she’s going to be able to heal and move on, IMHO.

Some indication that Rick and Michonne and the Grimes babies and the rest of their family (Carol, Daryl, etc.) are going to be reunited. 

The promise of at least a chance of a happy ending for everyone we’ve watched and loved these last 10+ years.  

There’s more.  There’s always more, lol.  But that’s enough for now.  As I think of things I just really, really need to see?  I’ll come back to this list.  Because hey.  Like I said.  I did one of these for Season 10 and I got way more of them than I ever could have anticipated so.        

[tendertenebrosity]

Aedan, Part Who Even Knows

So, I did say you likely wouldn’t see any more of these guys, but I was rereading my draft and this bit is polished enough for me to feel comfortable sharing. Here is some birdperson comfort! New followers, you can find more about Aedan in his tag. 

Shae approached the fire. If she’d been trying to sneak up on it, she thought wryly as she climbed over a dead branch and landed on another with a loud crunch, she would have been very disappointed.

So it was that when she rounded the bole of the big tree and found herself face to face with the fire, Aedan was already on his feet and staring in her direction.

She came to a graceless stop, stumbling the last few steps as her dress hem caught on a tree root. “Aedan,” she exclaimed, her voice trembling with gladness and relief. Then it seemed to stop, as if everything else she had to say was bottled up behind a stone in her throat.

He was scarcely recognisable. His big brown eyes blinked at her, familiar features in an otherwise drastically different face, wan and smudged with dirt. Deep shadows under his eyes and yellow-brown bruising and swelling painting his throat, his fine cheekbone, the hollow of one of his eyes.  He looked tiny, smaller even that she was accustomed to him looking, fragile and sodden with a blanket draped over his wings and clutched at his throat with tight-clenched fingers. His hair was dark with water and twisted into rats’ tails.

He looked like he was ready to flee at the sight of her.

She had to say something. Something, before he took off into the woods and she never ever saw him again.

“Oh my God, Aedan, I’m so sorry,” she said. “Please - Aedan - don’t run away. I’ve come to find you.”

The fire crackled between them, sadly, flickering low around the branches Aedan had stacked to keep it burning. Aedan stared at her like he didn’t understand what she was saying.

“Aedan - you look awful - let me help you,” she said. “It’s okay. I’ve come to get you.”

She took a step towards him, without thinking, and he took a step backwards, clutching the blanket tighter.

“Don’t,” he said jerkily. “Just - don’t.” His eyes darted, up and down, behind her, behind him as if wondering if he could get away.

Her heart plummeted, to see him so small and hurt, and frightened of her. She spread her hands, very carefully, and eased herself back a step.

“Where’s - everybody else?” he asked, eyes glancing behind her again.

“Just me, Aedan,” she whispered. “Just me. I came to bring you - home. I came to try and fix it.”

He shook his head. Water dripped from the leaves and branches around them, a quiet patter to fill the silence. Thunder rolled gently in the distance.

“Is… is Lucas… dead?” he asked, his voice hollow.

Shae’s heart twisted. “No,” she said, her voice small and thin. “No, he isn’t. He’s hurt. But they don’t think he’s going to die.”

Aedan didn’t move for a long second, and his eyes seemed to be fixed on something in the distance past Shae’s face. “Oh,” he whispered. “I’m… I’m glad.” He took a deep breath, and she could see his chest rising and falling.

He was silent for another long moment.

“Aedan…” Shae said. “Can I… look, I have dry clothes and blankets and things back in my saddlebags. And food. Why don’t I go and get them, and we can build your fire up a bit, and… and I can help you, okay?”

His mouth twisted and he looked upset. “Help me?” he echoed. “Shae, I’ve been - the last three days have been… you locked me up! I thought I was safe, I thought we were family, but things changed like that and - and - ” He tried to snap his fingers, fumbled and lost hold of the blanket, let it slither to the mud. His voice was starting to rise, cracking and falling over itself. “Lucas broke - he said - he was going to kill me. He would have killed me. Why should - why are you -” He gestured wildly, one of his wings coming out at last to join in the gesture. “What are you even doing out here by yourself?”

Shae stared at his wings, misery sitting in her stomach like cold mud. His wings. One of them was bound to his back with filthy bandaging, the cloth mussing up and fraying the feathers where it held them tight against his body. The other was open, but dark with moisture like his hair, and so bedraggled she could see strips of the forest floor through the gaps between feathers. It hurt her heart to see them like that, beautiful things he’d taken such care of, part of him in a way that clothes and hair weren’t, unkempt and immobile.

“I came to find you,” she said, faltering. “I - I thought - ”

“Why would you want to help me?” he asked. She could see his mouth twisting for a moment, and then he was crying, tears mingling with the water running down his face from his hairline. “Aren’t I just… just some bargaining chip to you? Just a token of, of an alliance that it turns out isn’t even worth the paper it’s written on?” He rubbed his eye with the heel of one hand. “I-if the treaty’s worthless what’s that make me? Aren’t I j-j-just another wingfolk, your enemy, barbarians, vermin? Lucas called us v-vermin, why are you out h-here tramping th-through the woods for some creature if I’m n-not even useful for making my family do what you want...”

“Aedan!” Shae begged. “No!” She wrung her hands in front of her, wanting to go to him, wanting to touch his wings, wanting to bundle him up into her arms, stroke his hair the way she knew he liked. She had never wanted to touch anybody as much as she wanted to touch Aedan now, with a force that startled her.

He stared at the ground, tears dripping from his chin. His arms were folded, hugging himself, thin shoulders shivering. “I don’t know if I’d be able to stop you dragging me back to the castle anyway,” he said bitterly. “Wouldn’t get very far if I tried to run, would I?”

“I’m not going to drag you anywhere!”

“Really? So if I told you to turn around and go back without me, you would?”

“I - ” Shae swallowed. She buried her hands in the hair at her temples, stared up at the rain-soaked canopy for a long moment while she thought. “Yes,” she said. “I don’t - please don’t do that, though. You won’t make it through the forest and out the other side by yourself.”

“Made it this far,” he mumbled, staring at the ground. “Must be halfway, right?”

“I don’t… know,” Shae said uncomfortably.  “Look… since I’m here, can I go and get my stuff? You look freezing. And you must be hungry.” She coughed suddenly, trying to clear the wobbles that kept trying to creep into her voice. “At least let me feed you before you leave, if you’re going to.”

“I…” He rubbed absently at one shoulder, and shrugged. He didn’t meet her eyes, didn’t even look up, but he nodded at the ground. “Yeah. Okay. I guess.”

Shae exhaled shakily in relief. “Great!” she said quickly. She backed up a few steps, held her hands up like Aedan was a wild animal that might startle at sudden movement. “I’ll be back soon, all right? Don’t go anywhere!”

When Shae returned, leading the horse very carefully across the uneven ground, Aedan had pulled some dead branches close to the fire to dry out. He was sitting on the thick, coiled root that was protruding from the ground, sodden stringy tail feathers out behind him, hunched up and staring into the fire.

“Hey,” Shae said, out of breath, her saddlebag over one shoulder. The root was long enough to seat a couple of people side by side, and she pointed to the space beside him. “Can I sit there, Aedan?”

His eyes flicked up to her. He shook his head slowly. “You can sit over there,” he said, pointing to a rotten log at least a metre and a half away, at a right-angle with him and the fire.

Shae nodded, a lump in her throat. “Sure,” she agreed.

She knelt and began to spread the contents of the pack out, keeping them as dry and clean as she could, relieved to find that the waterproof material of the packs had kept everything dry. She shook out the set of Aedan’s shirt and what passed for pants for him out. “I brought you these, Aedan, do you want to get out of your wet things? In the meantime I’ll start boiling water and we can have tea. I brought this, um, travel cake, I don’t know if you’d have tried it before but it has dried fruit and honey so I think you’ll like it….”

Aedan tipped his head slowly. “You brought a set of my clothes?”

“Well - yeah,” she said. “I figured, if you were only dressed for hanging around at home reading, you would still be in those…” She squinted across the distance at his shirt. It didn’t seem to be done up right - the tie around his neck was done, but she realised that the part that was supposed to fasten around the small of his back had to be left loose because the bandaged wing was in the way.

He didn’t make any move to come over to get the clothing, so Shae stood up, stepped around the fire, and draped it over the end of his root along with one of her blankets. He watched her wordlessly as she approached, and as she retreated.

He looked exhausted. He looked sore. She found herself looking at the livid bruises around his throat and feeling a black tide of anger against Lucas rising up in her chest.

Lucas might not get better. Lucas could have died. So it felt in some way disloyal for Shae to be this furiously angry at him, to want to shake him and ask him what was wrong with him, to want to never speak to him again so that maybe he’d understand what an awful thing he’d done.

She started to busy her hands with the little pan, pouring her bottle of water into it and fishing for the store of tea leaves she had brought.

“Did you tell Lucas I would be on the roof?”

She started, nearly spilling the tea leaves. “Um,” she said, thoughts racing, staring at her hands. “When do you…”

His voice was low and angry. “When? Stop it, Shae, you know what I meant. Lucas told me that you didn’t care about what happened to me, and he knew exactly where I’d be, out reading on the roof like I always am in the mornings when I’m not in the library. I trusted you. I trusted you, and he said you told him where to find me!”

“I guess I did,” Shae said, wincing. “But it’s not like that, Aedan, I didn’t mean for - I didn’t know he was going to hurt you.”

She gathered her courage and looked up, over at him where he sat on the root.

He was looking back at her with wild, hurt eyes. “He’s your brother. Don’t you know him best? What did you think he was going to do? Didn’t he say?”

“No!” she protested. “He just said – he just said that they needed to find you, in case – I don’t know, in case you were in on the attack. He didn’t say he was going to hurt you. I just thought we’d lock you in a room or something until we knew what was going on!”

He let out a disbelieving breath. “Oh, just that, then,” he said, and his tone was very unlike Aedan, bitten off and sarcastic, tight with hurt. “Not to worry! Just going to lock me up!”

“I’m sorry,” Shae said, closing her eyes, wanting to shrivel up with shame. “I shouldn’t have…”

“Did you really think I had anything to do with killing the King?” he asked. “Why would I do that? Did you think, what? That I was a spy, that I was going to hurt you? I wouldn’t have! I liked the King, he was never anything but kind to me, and even if he hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have hurt him!”

“I know!” Shae said, lifting her hands to her head. “I know that now! Now that I think about it. But at the time, I just…  we just didn’t know if we could trust you! And Dad was missing, we didn’t know - everything was so confusing, and I didn’t know I felt about you when I thought about it, and I just - thought - there was so much I needed to do and I thought I could figure out what I felt later!”

She put the tea down, sat back in the dirt, wrapped her arms around her knees. Everything was a tangled mess inside her chest. Dad. I miss you. You’re never coming back.

Aedan was silent, over on the other side of the fire. When she looked over at him, blinking back tears, she saw that he had his hands over his face.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice thin and muffled. “About your dad. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened but it was wrong, it’s not fair, I’m so sorry. He was… he was a good man, he was a good king.”

She nodded, her throat tight. “Yeah,” she whispered. “He was. Thank you.” She wiped her eyes.

They fell into awkward silence again. The fire crackled. The little pan of water was starting to boil, and Shae moved it off the fire, for something to do with her hands.

Aedan’s hands crept out and took the clothing she’d put on his seat. “Look, thanks for - thanks for thinking to bring these,” he mumbled. “And everything else, too. I know you don’t want to hurt me, not really. And Robb didn’t, either. It’s just… it’s all so complicated, Shae.”

She latched onto that gratefully. “Yes,” she said. “It is.”

“I’m going to - go put these on,” he said nervously. “Don’t, um, look over I guess.” He stepped up onto the root and over, walking a few steps away.  

Shae stifled a rueful little smile, as if Shae catching sight of Aedan minus his pants was really something that needed to worry them both at this point. She kept her gaze carefully on the fire.

He returned, and when she looked cautiously over at him he was toweling his hair dry with one of the blankets.

He paused, looked at her, looked at the fire. Then he ignored the root he’d been sitting on, took the extra few steps around the fire, and settled carefully on the end of Shae’s log,  leaving a space between where he was and where she would sit when she came back from the fire.

She held out one of the thin metal traveling cups to him, giving off fragrant steam. His eyes flickered, and he gave her a hesitant, tremulous beginning of a smile. He put the blanket aside, leaving his hair a birds-nest of braids and knots and tangles, and reached out to take the cup from her. Their fingers brushed, his cold and soft, and she shifted her grip away from them as she handed it to him.

Then she eased herself backwards and up onto the log, leaving a few hands-widths between them. He had his hands wrapped around the tea and his shoulders hunched over it, pressed against his chest. Shae took her own cup and sipped it, more for companionship than because she really wanted tea. The taste was soothing, though.

“You need to eat,” she said, firmly, unwrapping the waxed paper from her travel cake. “When did you eat last? You look horrible.”

He gave another, stronger smile. “Um. I found a few things,” he said. “I do know some woodcraft, you know. Unfortunately a lot of the plants here are different so it wasn’t as helpful as I was hoping it was.”

He took the cake from her hand, and didn’t speak at all for the next minute or so as he ate it, every crumb, silent and intently focused on it in a way that made it clear just how hungry he’d been.

“Shae…”

She looked up and over, her heart skipping. “Yes?”

He was staring into the flames. It was getting darker, and the leaping shadows made the bruising less obvious. “I would have liked it if you had trusted me,” he said slowly. “I trusted you.” He put the empty cup down, and crossed his arms, gripping his elbows. “I thought that we were, you know… I liked you, and I thought maybe you were coming around to thinking better of me. And I trusted your family, Robb and Lucas. And I trusted Wizard Tamsin when she said I’d be safe here. I trusted my family.” He hunched forward, hugging his arms to his body. His voice was a whisper. “I guess I’m just an idiot, aren’t I? Because it turns out I shouldn’t have trusted any of those people.”

Shae bit her lip. “Aedan… no,” she said. “You’re not - an idiot. You just want people to be good, you think the best of people. That’s a good thing. It’s something that I like a lot about you. You should have been safe to trust people.”

Aedan hummed wordlessly. He had his arms wrapped around himself tightly, like he needed to feel them, like he would fall apart otherwise. She could see the shivers wracking his frame, and the urge from before resurfaced harder than ever, to wrap her arms around him.

“I’m really sorry, Aedan,” she said softly. “It’s complicated, you’re right, but I should have done better by you.”

He nodded, shivering still. “Okay,” he said. “Okay.”

She hesitated. She didn’t want to reach out, not if he didn’t want her to. She settled for leaning back and opening her posture slightly, leaving a space that he could fit if he wanted to. She opened her arm, hesitantly, slightly, trying to make it obvious to him but at the same time not obvious so that if he wanted to ignore it she could put her arm back down and they could both pretend that she had never done it.  

His eyes slid over towards her, and for a moment they were unreadable. Then he unfolded his arms, sat up a little straighter, and edged over, inch by inch, until his side with the broken wing was pressing into the space she had left for him.

Shae drew in a slow, shaking breath, and let her arm come around to lie across his shoulders. He was ungainly under her arm, all shivering and wet feathers and joints that she didn’t want to jostle.

“Is - oh, your wing - I’m not hurting it, am I?”

He shook his head. “No. No, it’s fine.”

He pressed closer as her arm closed around him, and then suddenly with a choked noise he turned in the circle of her arm and let himself fall forward against her chest, face buried in her shoulder.

Shae felt, very definitely, as though she did not deserve this. But she put her other arm around him, too, snugged him closer against her hip, and leaned her head down on his. His hands and arms were caught between them, pressing against her front, and she could feel the water from his wings and hair soaking into her dress.

It wasn’t comfortable. It wasn’t even all that warm. But they sat there, as darkness deepened around them and Shae realised they really ought to be caring for the horse and setting up more of a camp, since they wouldn’t be heading out until morning. Aedan’s shivering slowed, and stopped, and he stopped pressing his face into her neck quite so desperately.

His left wing had relaxed and was drooping in front of them, half-open, the feathers drying out to a more familiar and comfortable cream and brown. Shae shifted position, reached out and gently ran her finger and thumb down the vane of the first primary that came to hand.

Aedan at first tensed, looked up. When he saw that her hand was what had touched his wing, he relaxed a little further into the embrace and sighed. She could feel his breath stir the air close to her neck.

“You know,” Shae said, and her hand continued picking and stroking gently amongst his feathers. “I brought some stuff for your wing, from Martin. Clean bandages, something for pain. Want me to get them out? ”

“Yes,” he said, into her shoulder. “Please.”

[kiyoo-omi]

from my love to you

Hello moots and followers! I just want to say happy new years and heres to 2021 treating us right. I’m not too good with words tbh but here I go!

I really can't believe I'm in a position to know so many great people on here! I’m so thankful that each and everyone of you are so welcoming. Every little likes and reblogs mean so much to me as as artist. But interacting with me makes my day so much better and brings such the biggest smile on my face! I’m so grateful that you guys even bothering interacting with me. I wouldn’t have continued this blog have it not been you guys!! I appreciate it so much and it means the world to me. You guys makes me strive to me a better artist (and writer)! I want to be able to make you guys happy and I hope whatever I do on my blogs bring u guys joy as much as it does me!

I hope to be better moot for everybody (cause I’m just a little too shy to interact with you all) Thank you so much for giving me a place in this community and I love you all!

To my lovely friends!

@lavenderpisces

JEN! MRS. BOKUTO! MRS. AIZAWA! MY BABY MY LOVE MY ANGEL CAKES LIGHT OF MY LIGHT APPLE TO MY EYEE! BOKUJEN AND SHOUJEN SUPREMACY UP IN THIS THIS BITCH 🤪! Aaaahhhh bby I don't know what to say but I love you so much!!! I know I don't show my appreciation as much lately or its been a while! But you are literally a light to my life and I value our friendship so much! I remember our baby talks on here and can’t believe here we are today! I'm counting five/six years girl and I want to celebrate every new year together until we are old as hell. I love when we fangirl, I love our little movie nights, I love getting you gifts, I love daydreaming about our future together and I hope you do too??? Please know I'm literally here for you, I would fight the world and book a ticket there for you if u ever need me to too. Just say the words! Please don’t ever hesitate to hit me up if you ever need to. I hate whatever you you are experiencing that makes you sad, I wish I could be there to fight it away for you! I know this year hasn’t been too nice, but please know that I’m literally just a text or call away! You are my priority. I can't wait for the day where we can see each other one day! I love u so much!

@coralpeachcalm

MIMI! HI!! Asdfghjjkkll sorry if this is a little awkward but I'm so glad you were one of the first person I have had the pleasure to meet! I don't remember who reach out to who but I’m so glad one of us did. I remember us fangirling so much back then! Thank you for being so supportive on my art and literally anything, and I’m so glad to have found you again! Here's to 2021 treating you right! I value you so much and I love you!

@seijuroww

Hi cameron! I hope you’re doing well lately! I just wanted to say holy shit! Im so proud of you and what you’ve done an accomplished! Just seeing you’re growth and journey has been so awe-inspiring. I hope you’re happier lately and im just so happy for you! Please know I’m here for you if you ever need help! I love you so much! 

To my lovely close mooties! 

@chibishae34

Hi SHAE!! Thank you for being one of my biggest supporter back on dinnachusart and just constantly liking and reblogging my works. You don’t know how much it meant to me being a small as artist and trying to scramble for a crumb of notes (XD lol). Sorry if I don't have much words to say I'm just so thankful that you were able to see me grow as an artist and i hope you still do!! Thank you for also being my penpal and please expect something hopefully this month! Here to 2021 treating you good and spending it together!

@datech

HI DIANA!! It’s the way you have my heart! You’re so sweet and adorable, you interaction in anything can brighten up anyones day. I'm still so surprise that were moots! It blows my mind cause I really admired you and your writing and I was intimidated by you!! Now look at where we are now! I’m ur disamu art dealer asddghhjkklldd.Thank you so much for your support on my art! It really does means the world and your comments are absolutely everything. Thank you for being one of the reason I stay on here! Cheers to 2021 love you and you deserve the best!

@sanriobimbo

HI PLUMMIE! PRETTY PLUMMIE SOULMATE!!! I'm so happy and glad we were able to hit is off so well! You’re one of the person I can feel so at ease with! I love our interactions and me just joking around with you lol! Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you! Don’t ever doubt your writing please! Its the greatest and the world to my eyes! Make sure you take breaks and don't ever force yourself to provide or write! You simple being here is the greatest thing to happen to everybody you’ve come across! You deserve the world and imma fight 2021 if it ever crosses you! Love you lots plummie!

To my mooties who I'm so thankful that you even follow and interact with me!! I be fangirling and get so happy when you do! just know I love you all and appreciate you so much! I hope to see you all grow andsucceed to the absolute best in your life! Love you lots! Cheers to 2021. 

(In no particular order! I’m sorry if I sound repetitive. I’m sorry if you don't considered us moots ill take u off if u don't wanna be on here!)

@tsumtsumland : hope you doing well! Love you lots and ahhh im so thankful for you!! I love interacting with you! thank you for being my penpal and I hope to see more of eachother! I hope 2021 can be kind to you! 🤲🏽🥺💞💞💞

@midnightweeds: hi weeds! I just wanted to say im so grateful for you! Thank you for being so generous and lending a hand when i needed it the most! Thank u for sending me sakusa pictures as well! 🥺💞

@atsumuse: hi lay! ur such a cool person and I admire u so much! I hope 2021 treats you well! I love ur writng please its the best. 🥺💞

@tsukkis-crybaby: hi felicity! ur so beautiful and thank u for our interactions togther! I love seeing you on my dash and inbox! I hope 2021 is a good year for you! kisses for you!😘

@amberalisa hi alisa!! I hope ur doing well! I really love ur suna fic and can’t wait for your other one! happy New Years and I hope this year is a good year for you!!

@hisoillusandwich: hi Mae!! 🥺💞 ur sakusa fic is one of my favs and omg the fact ur interact with me at all my heart! here to 2021 being good to u beautiful!

@prettysetterbaby: hi jj!!! *screaming* you are so beautiful and deserve the utmost best in life! I love seeing you on my dash! thank you for being such a great person and supporting my art! you are so loved and I’m wishing nothing but the best for you! 2021 better treat you right!

@bucketofforks: hi hi bof! I’m so grateful for your interactions! they bring such smiles and laughs, I hope 2021 goes good for you!

@hq-trashies: hi kaley!! love seeing u on my dash sorry if we don’t interact as much! But you are such a beautiful person! Thank u for your book recs! send more my way haha’ I hope 2021 goes well for u!!

@velvesagi: hi jem!! Love seeing u on my dash!! thank u for ur interactions they mean a lot! Here’s to 2021 being a better year for you!

@sunaswife : hi knifey! I found you through ur suna series and I really love it!! I hope 2021 is a good year for you! Thank u for even interacting with u, pretty sure I was fangirlibg! Lol

@lovingnekoma: hi artimes! thank u so much for your interactions! they really do brighten up my day! I hope to be a better mutual to you! I hope 2021 can be ur year!

@inxriyama: hi bunny! 🥺🤲🏽💞💞💞really love ur writing and really enjoy our small interactions together! Here’s to 2021 being a good year!

@kurooblesse: hi tesh! I hope ur doing well and ughhhh please ur writing!! 😩💦 🥴 gives me the hots! Here’s to 2021 being good to you!!

@kenmasbb: hi tia!!! gaawwddd ur writing!! Please give me room to breathe! I really love our interaction and I hope u doing well and happy 2021!

@rintarhue: hi Kopi!! ur smau series are the best and ur rin one is so creative!! such a great writer and I hope to see more from you! here to 2021 being a good year to you!

@shoyosun: hi Marta!!! your art is so cute and can’t wait to see more of it!! thank u for being such a sweetheart and I hope we can interact more! cheers to 2021 being a good year!

@omijime: hi nini!! your so adorable and omg thank u for interacting with me! It means a lot! I hope you Samu, and suna have such a happy 2021 together!

@dxddykeiji: hi Sammy!! I know we don’t interact as much!! but I enjoy seeing you on my dash! thank you for being my moot and I hope 2021 is the best for you!

@radiantful: hi Martha! I’m so thankful for your interactions they brighten up my day! I hope 2021 is good to you!

@ukeishin: hi Celeste! thank u for poppin in my inbox here or there! I love our little interactions and hope we can interact more! I hope 2021 will treat you right! U deserve it!

@ladyrenart: hi Lena! I love your popping in my inbox! they make me smile so much! I appreciate you so much! cheers to 2021 being good to you!

@toniiihime: hi toni!! your so beautiful and your drawings are so cute! I can’t wait to see more! Can’t wait to see you grow! 2021 is ur year!

@aiiishiiiteru: hi nona! I know we don’t interact as much but I looove ur writing!! I’m screamed when u followed back XD! Cheers to 2021 being a good year for you!

@mi-yams: ren wifey!!! I love our interactions together!! you’re so fun and cute! I hope 2021 treats u well!

@darlingoshiki: hi saint! I hope 2021 is good to you! Thank u for popping in my ask here or there and I enjoy seeing on my dash!

@helloaisabelle: hi aisy! I love ur writing!! ur national team got me 🥴🥵 thank u for your interaction and I hope we can interact more! I hope 2021 is the best for you!

@onefortyninecm : hi Danielle! I’m grateful for interactions together m! Your art is amazing!! and you deserve all the love coming your way! you’re very beautiful and I hope I can be a better moot! here’s to 2021 treating you good! 🥺💞

@picassho-18​: hi Kate!! just wanted to say thank you for your support and I love seeing you inbox abs post! Wishing 2021 the best for u!

@inarizakicafe​: hi ni! I know where new moots. But I absolutely love your writing! I hope to interact more with you if that’s okay! cheers to 2021 to be a good year for you!

@itzdaichi​: hi lovely!! I just wanted to say your so sweet and adorable! Your interaction bring so much joy to me! I hope 2021 treats you right!

@tsukkikou​: hi kou! I really love our interactions and thank you for popping in my inbox for a while! It makes me really happy and I hope your doing well!

@suhkusa​: hi hi guys! Just wanted to say I love your writing and I hope 2021 is good to the both of you!

@sunseteyes​: hi gel!! ur so beautiful and I know we don’t interact as much! but I love when we do! I hope 2021 is a good year for you!

@alto-march-of-death​: hi al!! I appreciate our interactions and thankful that you even do in the first place! I hope to be a better moot and wishing 2021 is good to you!

@churochuu​: hi chuu!! I love our first interaction together!! you're art is so cute and adorable! 2021 better treat you right!

to my lovely anons and character interactions whoever you are. you guys absolutely have my heart. im so thankful that you guys even do this for me?? i feel like i dont deserve it. you guys make my day so much and i hope 2021 treat you so good. you dont know how much you guys are appreciated by everyone! love you! 

thank you to everybody for making the remaining month of 2020 one of my best! i love you all! 

[lotionalt-writeherman]

A lot of people on the GoT tag like “I expected too much” and “knew there’d be some bullshit ending” but I want to stop that. Because NO. No. You did NOT expect too much. You expected a well-written season that accurately portrayed the characters and show. Like you’ve been getting for years. Like they promised. 

This show has been epic. EPIC. Nearly every fan will tell you, at least up through season six, that this is the best show ever made. And they were right. Because this shit WAS good. We had incredible character arcs, complex plot to go with them, and absolutely beautiful endings. Everything has always come together. It’s always seemed somewhat fitting, or at least made sense looking back. It’s always been one of those things where you scream when it happens, but then later you’re like yeah, it sucked, but looking back I get how we got here. (When Jon was stabbed by the Night’s Watch. When Joffrey was poisoned by Olenna. When Tyrion killed his dad, then Shae. Hell, the Red Wedding, even. When Jon turns out to be a Targaryen) 

And that was good writing. Like, real, quality writing. Characters may have been doing dumb shit, but it made sense for those characters. 

This season? 

Everything went south. I don’t know exactly what happened, to be honest. Maybe it’s because they’re not following the books. Maybe it’s because they’re trying to cram two books worth of plot in one season. 

Either way, it’s garbage. 

Let’s go through the characters they’ve done wrong, shall we? 

Tyrion. Tyrion is the clever one. He’s always a step or two ahead, can always see what’s going on. And this season and the last he’s been... what? Not doing that. Like, really not doing that. His whole thing is that he can’t fight, but he can think. That’s what he has going for him. And in just this episode, he’s not seen Sansa’s reveal of the secret for what it so obviously is, told Varys (literally everyone saw that one coming), and freed Jaime to help their sister (who is evil, whom Tyrion hates) escape. That’s just this episode. What happened?

I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention how literally no one in Winterfell was like, “hey, maybe we shouldn’t put all the people who can’t fight where the dead people are. Because, you know, the dead people can come back to life, and we all know that, but we’re ignoring it.” You’re telling me Sansa and Tyrion BOTH overlooked that shit? When every idiot on Twitter was talking about it the MINUTE it was mentioned in Ep 2? Nah. 

Jon. To be fair, Jon’s been pretty in character for what we know about him. He found a queen, he’s loyal to her because he’s loyal and that’s his thing. But how about when Sansa is like “yo, shouldn’t we let our guys rest, since they just fought like a billion dead guys?” and jon’s like, nah, whatever Dany said? I’m calling bullshit. Also this last episode I feel like he kind of does nothing. Which isn’t Jon’s style. He’s a do-er, always has been. And he’s a leader. Yes, he respects Dany and even cares for her, but I find it hard to believe he’s really going to just... step back. and ignore everything she’s doing. and not offer an opinion, like, ever. That’s not his style, it’s never been his style. Ever since he arrived on the Wall, the one thing we know about Jon Snow is that he can’t keep his mouth shut if he thinks something is wrong. And we’re just going to... ignore that?

Jaime. I kind of don’t want to do him, because my boy got done so clearly wrong and everyone is doing him. But whatever, I’ll state the obvious. We had about 3 seasons of pure character development for him, where Jaime was learning that he still had honor, PROVING he still had honor. By himself. No Cersei, just Jaime out there in the world not being an asshole. Because he is honorable. Remember King’s Landing, when he earned ‘Kingslayer?’ Remember when he promised Catelyn he’d protect her girls, and he really did do everything, including betraying Cersei, to keep that promise? Remember when he lost his hand to stop Brienne from being raped? Remember when he leaves Cersei to join the army in the North because he doesn’t want millions to die? So excuse me if it makes no logical sense for the man to decide ‘fuck it, honor what honor imma go fuck my sister again.’ Because he’s changed. They made a point to show us the lengths to which he’s changed. And then the ending he’s given is basically ‘I only care about you, Cersei, I don’t care about the thousands dying in king’s landing.’ That’s disrespect, yo. DISRESPECT. 

Dany. Again, this one’s obvious. And honestly, from what I’ve seen, pretty much everyone can agree that this shit was dumb. Yeah, there were hints that she could someday go crazy. Yeah, she said some stuff seasons ago about burning cities. You know what else she did, though? She saw slavery. She saw how it hurt the individual person, the people, and she wanted it gone. So she ended it, because it was wrong. She spent whole seasons trying not to be her father, to be just. At literally the first sign that her dragons were hurting innocents (burned that one kid) she locked them all up. Because she couldn’t stand to see innocent people hurt. She sees the wrong in her father’s actions, because she knows that he wanted to kill normal, everyday, innocent people. He wanted to burn them all, but all of them dying wasn’t justice, and that’s always been what she’s wanted: justice. Even the Tarlys got a choice: bend the knee or die. In her mind, it was justice. She let them choose, even after they initially fought against her. But then, this season, she flips all that? Goes back on the claim of not wanting to be “queen of the ashes”? Burns the entire city to the ground, including her own troops? No. 

I know that she’s sad because Jorah is dead, because Missandei is dead, because it looks like her advisors have betrayed her, like Jon doesn’t want to be with her. So she’s upset because she’s alone. And that makes sense. You can get a little depressed over it. But she wins. She gets there. She has King’s Landing in the palm of her hand, and instead of going in and taking the Iron Throne like a boss, she completely disrespects the memory of all those who have died for her and burns everything and everyone. Missandei said “dracarys” as her final word, which has been the justification for this decision. But for Dany to take her words to mean “burn the city and every kid in here to the ground” is just as absurd as assuming Missandei would ever want that. Dany knew this girl. She’s had her with her for years at this point. That’s not what she would’ve wanted. It all goes back to justice. That’s what Missandei wanted. That’s what Dany has always wanted. And burning King’s Landing wasn’t it. Continuity is nonexistent for Daenerys here. It’s just gone. 

And I’ll say, again, what everyone has been saying: if this had been set up better, I wouldn’t be mad. I think Dany as a mad queen, set up properly in the narrative, would’ve been fine. I’ve always liked Dany, but I’m not saying any of this because she’s my favorite. She’s not. But I can still see that the way that this was done, in the span of three episodes, didn’t work. There isn’t enough evidence to support this yet. If there had been actions, real actions, even just through the last season that could hint at this, fine. I would’ve accepted it. It’s kind of a cool way for this to go, honestly, if done correctly. But it wasn’t, and that’s what my problem with it is. She was set up as a character with a code of values, a strong belief in justice for wrongdoers and relief for innocents, and has consistently shown through her actions that she follows that code. You can’t completely change a character arc in a span of three episodes based on her actions of justice against those who have clearly wronged her, at least in her mind. That’s not how you write characters. 

Where the actual hell is the decent writing? Because the only cool things this season have been from previous seasons. Like Jon is Aegon Targaryen. That shit was WILD. I loved it. I loved how it’d been set up, everything. But like... that’s it.That’s the only cool thing set up this season. Everything else is this surface level bullshit. It feels like a soap opera. Where is the scheming? Where is the intricate plot weaving that’s been a part of this show since day one? That’s the reason we’re here. That. Not because we like it when characters die, because we want flashy battles and dragon scenes. Those are nice, but not why this show blew up like it did. This show is so impressive because it’s smart. Not because it’s big or gruesome or shocking. Because it’s smart. I feel like that was obvious to everyone. You should’ve known that. You had eight seasons to set up this incredible ending. You knew it was coming. 

Instead, you ignored the previous seasons. The plots, the characters. All the potential there. You had years to plan. You saw the theories, the ideas everywhere. And because you were so intent on being impressive, on surprising everybody and doing something no one expected, you fucked up. Instead of focusing on delivering quality, you focused on shock value. “No one ever thought of this,” You said proudly. No one thought of this because no one thought you would be this fucking stupid.

So.. yeah. fuck d&d. :)

[theokotrain]

Vestige - Interlude: The Party

Wattpad Version

As the night fills the sky

All my fears are dissipating

'Cause I feel reassured

That I might make it through

And if all my luck should burn

Then I guess it burned for you

---

April 13th, 2012

I was sitting on my bed, back against the bed frame with my knees raised in front of me, holding up my laptop. I had been spending the last few hours writing an essay for my English class, specifically answering the topic question my teacher had given everybody: "How do our past experiences influence our decisions?". The question was simple enough, it's a pretty universally recognized idea that stuff that happens to us has an effect on our decision making. I mean, that's what it means to grow, right? You gain more knowledge as you live through life and form new memories, and that helps you make more informed decisions in the future.

I've never really been too good at writing anything analytical, especially non-fiction. Essays and research papers that required informed arguments that helped to prove your point? Those were an entirely unknown game to me, one which I had never managed to breeze through. Of course, we were supposed to use some of the books we've read this year as evidence for our arguments, so that at least made it a bit easier, even if most of the books were ones from nearly five decades ago and definitely out of touch at this point. The sound of my laptop's keys clicking as I typed away were the only sounds I could pick up in the room. I had my earphones in for a bit, but those always hurt my ears after a while, so I had taken them out.

Looking at the time in the corner of my laptop screen, it was 4:43 PM. I started writing as soon as I got home from class, so I've only been going for about an hour. Unfortunately, this essay is a non-insignificant amount of my course grade, so I needed to finish this as soon as possible.

God, it's a Friday! I could be out doing something actually fun with Shae and the other guys. Isn't that the whole point of high school? That's what it always seemed like in movies, at least, but I guess I've been a victim of false advertising.

After a bit more time passes, the sound of my phone ringing from my desk brings me out of my writing trance. I sigh, setting my laptop next to me on the bed, not wanting to get out of bed, but eventually forcing myself into maneuvering over to the desk, I grab the phone and flip it open, looking to see the Caller ID.

Shaela.

I instantly accept the call, it's almost second nature at this point. She calls me at least once a day so she can tell me about whatever person is pissing her off that day, or whatever drama she's heard from her other friends. I was never really one for gossip, or whatever, but I did appreciate talking to her.

I put the phone up to my ear, "What's up?" I say, a tinge of fatigue in my voice.

"Hey! Just warning you that I'm like five minutes from your place and you don't have a say in the matter." She replied bluntly. I can hear the sound of cars driving by on the other side of the phone, so she's obviously outside, confirming her words.

I take a deep breath before speaking, "...Why?" I said with exasperated sarcasm.

"Because! I have something to tell you, and if I say it over the phone then I seriously doubt it'll work out in the way I'm hoping it does."

"That clears up nothing, actually, and now I regret picking up."

"Even if you didn't answer, that doesn't stop your parents from letting their son's lovely goody-two-shoes of a friend stop by for a visit!" She exclaimed, a mischievous tone subtly layered in her voice.

She's not wrong.

"Wow, you make this sound like you're sneaking into a high-security building or something." I say, utterly confused at her motives. "Obviously you can come over, but I'm not exactly filled with confidence at whatever you're planning."

"Like I said, I can't tell you yet, but it's gonna be awesome!" She said. There was an unusual perkiness to her that made itself pretty clear over the phone.

Before I can say anything, I'm met with the dial tone, signalling that she had hung up. The only thing I can do at this point is wait for her to get here, I guess. She always lets herself in when she comes over, so I don't make the effort to meet her downstairs. A sudden ping sound fills the quiet room, seeming to come from my laptop. I get back into bed, looking to see where the notification came from.

It's a message from Tyler.

He's definitely the newest member of our little group, if even that. I'm the only person in the group that he's actually friends with so far, despite my efforts to bring him along on any plans we all make. I only met the Grey Wolf back in February, at the beginning of the second semester, in the school's photography class. Nobody I knew signed up for it, and due to our prestigious high school's advanced budget for technology, we were forced to be paired up for shared computer use in the Photography Room. I suppose Tyler was also fortunate enough to not know anybody in the class, as we ended up being paired together by the teacher. He was definitely someone I could only describe as uninterested, as the first week or two I spent with him in that class consisted of him either giving me one word answers or answering in the most blunt, bored tone he could manage. Though, it seemed that it took a bit of persistence on my part to push him to be more open, and since then he's grown to be a pretty great friend.

Tyler: u goin to that party tonight ive been hearin about?

Party? I wasn't made aware of anything like that, at least... not yet. Something in the back of my brain was telling me that Shae had ulterior motives about coming to my place so suddenly, but I'm still hoping that I'm wrong. I hate parties.

Jake: party? havent heard anything, are u going?

Tyler: thinkin about it

think its gonna be over at chris's place, guess his parents r gone for the weekend or somethin

Jake: chrisssss? ughh that guy is such an asshole

Tyler: yeah u dont havee to go, but itd prob be more fun to have someone u actually know there

The way he worded that was directed at me, but I could tell he didn't want to go on his own.

Jake: i guess ill think about it

Tyler: sickk, call me if u make up ur mind

Before I can type my farewells over IM, Shaela energetically bursts through the door.

"Jesus! You scared the shit outta me, don't you knock?" I said, mildly exasperated.

"Oh come on, I literally called you a few minutes ago, you had plenty of time to not make a situation where it'd be a bad idea for me to barge in," She replies, laughing, before setting her bag on the ground and dramatically falling into my bed. "Today was garbage."

"What happened?"

"Ugh, Claire decided to just not show up, I guess, on the day we're supposed to present that stupid History project? And, obviously, she didn't give me her part of the project or anything, so I had tell Mr Thomas about the situation, which was fucking embarrassing." She paused for a moment, taking a deep breath. "Luckily, he said he wouldn't reduce my grade for handing it in late, since I actually had my part finished. God, what a bitch- I must've called her like thirty times before class to get her to email me her part, and every time it went straight to voicemail - and she told me last night that she'd have it ready for today!"

"Have you gotten a hold of her yet?" I asked, closing my laptop and setting it beside me.

Shae turns her head to me, shaking her head, "Nope, she's been ghosting me all day."

"Sounds like typical Claire."

"Yeah, I shouldn't have partnered with her, but apparently I can't say no to anyone, so..." I chuckle lightly in response. "Anyways! I didn't just come here to complain to you!" She says, sitting up on the bed, now facing towards me.

"Right... So what was so important that you just had to tell me in person?" I say, sarcastically.

"Like I said, if I asked you over the phone you would've definitely said no, and my ability to pressure you into doing things isn't as effective unless it's in person!" She responded.

I subtly rolled my eyes, but it's clear she noticed from the stare-down she gave me, "Okay, so what is it?"

"Soooooo..." She says, trying to find the rest of the words, "There's a party."

Wow.

"Wh- did everybody know about that party except for me?!?" I exclaimed.

Shaela's face quickly turns to an expression of shock, "Who told you?"

"Tyler did, like, not even five minutes ago." I say, bluntly.

"What? How does he know Chris?"

"Friend-of-a-friend, I'm guessing?"

"Hmm..." She hummed, thinking about something, "So, did you tell him you were going?"

"I specifically said I'd think about it, nothing definite." I made it clear in my tone that I wasn't particularly interested.

"Oh, come on, dude! It'll be fun!"

I didn't really have an interest in going, but I know it'd make Shae happy, plus it'd be nice to hang out with Tyler again even if we've only known each other for a couple months.

"...Fine. But, if Chris or any of his buddies start shit, I'm leaving."

"Awesome!"

"Lemme just call Tyler and let him know," I said as I grabbed my phone and flipped it open, finding Tyler in my contact list and dialling.

"You gonna bring him with-" The phone rings a few times before he picks up and I extend my hand out towards Shae in a shushing motion. She rolls her eyes, smirking.

"Hey? So are ya gonna go?" He said eagerly.

"Well, Shae showed up at my door literally right after you messaged me, asking the same thing!" I exclaimed in a fake-preppy voice. "So, I guess I have no choice since she'll probably just drag me there if I say no," I joked. She nods her head toward me in response.

"Oh, is she going too?" He inquired.

"Yeah, I guess so! Your place is kinda on the way to Chris', so we could probably meet you at your place and go from there."

"Yeah! Sounds good!" He quickly responded.

I laughed, "Okay, we'll call you when we get there?"

"Sure thing!"

We exchanged our farewells, and hung up. The party wasn't for at least another hour or two, so Shae and I had some time to burn, of which I was entirely out of ideas. I figured I could at least spend this time actually being productive, so I grabbed my laptop and continued on writing my English essay as Shae resumed her previous conversation topic of stuff at school that was pissing her off. It was pretty entertaining, to be fair. She was telling me about how Chris had gotten in a fight with this other kid in our grade yesterday after class, which I wasn't lucky enough to witness, but it was obviously all anyone would talk about for basically the entire day today so word spread around fast. The part I hadn't heard about was that both Chris and the other guy, Nathan, got suspended for a week because of it. Chris was generally an asshole to everybody, including myself, so I didn't feel too bad about that. Although, I didn't know Nathan all that well. Other than having a few classes together, I don't think I've ever held an actual conversation with the guy. I think it was safe to assume that Chris was the one who started it, and Shae seemed to agree with me, even though she hadn't seen the fight either.

"But, apparently Nathan's gonna show up tonight!" She exclaimed coyly.

"...Remind me again why you want me to go to this specific party?"

"You'll have a great time! It's not like we'll be involved in the drama anyway so think of it more as entertainment!"

"I think you and I have different definitions of the word 'entertainment'," I joked.

"I'm sure you can go run off somewhere with Tyler if you're not having fun," She said, her tone reminding me of my mom.

"Oh yeah? What about you?"

"I can't just leave Alex at a party with Chris, those two start shit between each other so much and I'd rather not deal with the aftermath of that today."

"I'm guessing it's safe to assume that Elliot's going too, then?"

"He's not big on parties, but he'll usually go if everyone else is, unlike somebody," She says, gesturing towards me.

"Good one," I reply, unmoving as I keep typing away at my assignment.

"Well, we should probably leave soon since we're stopping at Tyler's place on the way.

I saved the document I had been working on, closing my laptop. "Sounds good to me!"

---

"I can't believe you actually agreed to go." Tyler joked as we walked towards the road from his house.

"Yeah, me either." I replied. I definitely didn't put in any effort in dressing up for the party, opting for a snug space-themed graphic tee, along with black jeans and a white zip-up hoodie. Shae and Tyler both stand on opposite sides of me as we walk down the sidewalk.

"Luckily I learned the subtle techniques in convincing you to do things against your better judgement, so now you get to have fun for once!" Shae exclaimed.

"It's not my fault that going to a party is literally the last thing on earth I'd do for fun in any normal situation." I retorted, putting my hands in the pockets of my jacket.

"Oh yeah? And what do you consider a 'normal situation'?" Shae asks.

"Any situation where you guys aren't the ones trying to get me to go! I'm only doing this for you two, y'know." I said, looking over at both of them.

"What about Elliot and Alex?" Tyler chimed in.

"They aren't the ones asking me to go to this party." I sarcastically remarked, trying to keep the conversation light-hearted. "Speaking of the party- this is Chris we're talking about, there's gonna be beer, right?"

"Uh, duh?" Shae replied.

"Yeah, that's a definite no for me, I'm already enough of a disappointment to my parents,"

"No one's making you drink, Jake. At least you'd be safe if some old hag called the cops about the noise." Shae said.

"I think at that point we're guilty by association, so we'd just make a run for it if that happens," Tyler joked.

"Dude, the chance of me outrunning a police officer successfully is about as likely as me not wanting to punch Chris tonight."

"And the chance of you winning that fight is just as low!" Shae retorted, Tyler laughing in response.

"I specifically said 'want' because of that very reason!"

"Wow, I'd pay money to see you fight that guy." Tyler said, nudging his elbow into my side.

It isn't a secret that I'm not exactly athletic. I mean, I'm definitely not weak, but fighting basically any animal of a similar size to mine was not a situation that favoured my victory.

"That sounds more like just getting the shit kicked outta me for your entertainment." I remarked, lightly punching Tyler's shoulder in return.

"Absolutely worth every penny!" Shae exclaimed. Luckily, the place wasn't any more than ten minutes away from Tyler's place, so I didn't have to endure listening to these two talk about me getting beat up for much longer.

We finally make it to Chris' house, and I'm suddenly filled with an impending sense of regret. Obviously, my parents would never in a million years agree to me going to a party like this. As far as they know, I'm just spending the evening hanging out with Shae at Tyler's house. So yeah, this entire night had a lot of potential for disaster.

Shae can clearly see my hesitation, because she grabs my hand, leading me up the walkway, Tyler following closely behind.

"I wonder if Elliot and Alex beat us here?" She says, knocking on the front door.

"I doubt they had anything to do earlier, hell they probably came straight here after school, knowing Alex." I said, laughing.

Our conversation is cut short by the opening door, revealing the familiar black cat.

"Oh, look, the Stephenson kid brought his girlfriend!" Chris exclaimed mockingly, looking back into the house, before peering around my shoulder, "And... Tyler?" He said, inquisitively.

I lean over, blocking Tyler from his line of sight, "Yeah, hey, not dating by the way!" I said. I've known Shae since I first moved to Vestige, around the time I turned five years old, so it wasn't uncommon for rumours to go around that we were dating. I've always thought of her more as a sister, if anything.

"I asked them to come!" Tyler said. That was only partly true, but according to Tyler, they've been 'somewhat-friends' for quite a while now, so saying that would at least mean less mild-harassment from Chris for tonight.

"Oh, uh, okay... come on in! But you're on the hook for any shit they pull, Tyler!" He said, opening the door wider.

---

The party had been going on for a few hours at this point. I could recognize most of the animals here from school, but not enough to actually hold a conversation with any of them, so most of my time here had just been spent with Shae and Tyler. The place hasn't been incredibly crowded luckily, but there were easily about forty others in this part of the house alone. I'm assuming only high school grades were invited, but there were a considerable number of students to meet that requirement. The issue at hand for me, other than how crowded this place is, is that both Shae and Tyler ditched me to go... somewhere? I think Shae saw some of her friends and went somewhere with them, but Tyler was pretty secretive about where he was going, only telling me that he'd be back in a bit. So I've been standing here in this random corner of the house with a drink in hand, trying to make myself look busy and not awkward, which is exactly why I didn't want to go to this party in the first place!

"Jake!" A voice shouted from a ways away.

I turn my head in confusion, revealing Alex, walking towards me from across the room.

"Oh, Alex! Hey! What's up dude!" I finish the last bit of my soda, waving at him. Because this was Chris' party, there was obviously beer too, but I didn't feel like coming home drunk and my parents finding out.

"I didn't think you'd wanna come to something like this! Feeling the regret yet?"

"I like parties! It's the times like these when I'm standing in a corner by myself with nothing to do that I hate, which seems to happen every time I go to a party!" I exclaimed, pausing for a moment. "Okay, maybe I do hate parties- I've had to explain this so many times today I'm about ready to jump into Lake Ambuscade."

' "Wow, sounds like somebody needs to socialize instead of stewing in a corner for the rest of the night!"

"Socialize? Really? I know just about everybody here and just about none of them are worth talking-"

"Hang with me and Elliot, then? Justin set up some racing games in the other room, we were gonna join, but we could use a fourth... You in?" He said, his tone obviously trying to sound coercing.

"God, please, anything to get me out of this corner for the next three hours." I said, Alex returning my words with a laugh.

"Well, come on then! We'll have to hurry if we want to get one of the good controllers!" He exclaimed, motioning to follow him.

As we move through the various cliques, I recognize a few faces here and there, though not enough to actually want to talk to them. There's been music playing since we got here, and I have yet to recognize a single song, they all seem to be some form of drone-y bass-heavy music that I can't say I've heard in any normal situations. I'm doing my best to follow Alex, although he keeps weaving between the other animals faster than I can keep up, resulting in me having to shove past everyone near me in an effort to speed myself up. Luckily, it seems that no one notices me anyway.

When we arrive in the other room, it seems to just be another living room, but decorated with a galore of punk band posters, shelves holding more DVD cases than I would ever care to count, and even a mini-fridge. Maybe Chris is the type to have a 'man cave' or something? Just hearing that phrase almost makes me want to vomit, but there aren't any more accurate words that come to mind. The room isn't massive or anything, but the TV resting upon the wall across the room seems to challenge that idea, looking almost eighty inches in size. Luckily no randoms from the party were in here, sitting about ten feet away from the TV is Elliot, leaning back in a purple bean bag chair that seems almost three times bigger than him, and Justin, the cougar I'd only known slightly through Alex, laying down sideways on the couch directly in front of the gigantic screen.

"Whatttt! You took the bean bag chair? Lameee..." Alex whined.

"You're the one who wanted to go get Jake, you snooze you lose!" Elliot retorted, looking oddly proud of himself.

"Damn, wish I had a room like this at my house..." I mumbled, looking around the room.

"Are we gonna play or what?" Justin said, cutting through the momentary silence.

"Duh!" Alex claimed.

Justin sits up, taking the spot on the couch closest to Elliot. I opt for the leftmost seat, and Alex sits in-between the both of us. Elliot grabs the other three controllers and tosses them over at us, one by one. Luckily, there weren't any garbage third-party controllers, so at least none of us would have to deal with that. I will admit, it did feel kinda weird going to someone's party just to play games away from everybody, but I would be lying if I said I didn't prefer that, even though I rarely play games, if ever.

After Justin turns the console on, he goes through the menus, launching the game. I can't say I recognize the title, but it seems to be a pretty standard racing game. He goes into the custom mode, opting for a four-player split-screen match, choosing 'R1' as the category of cars to race in. As everyone chooses their cars, I scroll through the list, not really knowing what to pick. I've never been good with car stuff, so I pick an 'Aston Martin Lola' just based on the number-rating system the game ranks the cars with.

"You guys ready?" Justin asks.

"Oh yeah, get ready to eat my dust you guys!" Elliot exclaims, challengingly.

"Oddly prideful words for someone about to lose!" Alex replies, laughing.

The countdown begins, as the cameras slowly show the view of each car as it moves to the rear. When it starts, I somehow manage the fuckup of spinning my tires out, leaving me a few seconds behind the others as the car swerves back and forth. I curse under my breath as I try to regain control of the car, and swiftly pick up speed. The track seems like nothing I haven't seen before, a typical professional track, with rows and rows of audience seating to the side. Unfortunately, I'm now in last place. The next few moments of the track are a few quick corners, allowing me the chance to catch up, at least a little.

Unexpectedly, the track turns off of the main road, going into a forested area. The road is considerably more narrow at this point, so it takes a conscious effort to not drive into the trees by the asphalt. It looks like the road stretches on forever, as I still can't make out any upcoming turns. I guess the car I chose for the race had a better top speed than Justin's, as I'm quickly catching up to him, moving into third place. I'm gripping my controller to an uncomfortable degree, but I can't seem to relax the tension as I try to make my way into second place. I don't think I can pick up any more speed in this car, so me moving up is reliant on the road staying straight for just a bit longer. After what feels like a lifetime, the front of my car finally starts making it past Elliot's, then the midsection, and finally, I'm in second. The sound of all four car engines is drowning out any remnants of the video game music, and I feel the sudden urge to curse out whoever turned the TV volume up this high. My eyes are focused entirely on Alex's car as I make my final push into first place. If I were actually driving this fast in the real world, I'd be scared out of my fucking mind. Out of nowhere, Alex, and the others, begins to slow down considerably.

Oh fuck.

It's at that point I notice that there is a sharp right turn rapidly approaching. I've been pushing the top-speed of this car since the beginning of this stretch of road, and now I'm going too quickly to stop in time. What's the button to use the handbrake, again? I figure that the only way for me to not fuck up this race for myself is to try to drift around the corner. Considering I've never played this game before, it's going to prove to be a challenge. But, it's either that, or just ending up in dead-last again.

I hold down the A button, and pull the joystick as far to the right as possible. Suddenly, all I can hear from the game is the loud skidding sounds of my tires against the asphalt. To my surprise, I cut the corner a bit early, now going over the grass. I try to do a bit of directional-corrections and start heading back onto the track. Going over the grass definitely slowed me down a fair bit, but it definitely was a significantly better outcome over just crashing into the wall. And, to my surprise, the corner of my screen reads... first?!?

"How the fuck...?" Alex questions, seemingly in disbelief.

"I wish I could tell you." I replied, eyes wide at whatever the fuck just happened.

The distance I managed to gain on Alex isn't by a whole lot, but there's only about a quarter of the track left before we reach the finish line, so I have a chance at winning this. The track hurriedly changes from the forest as it reenters the main track. The long, straight roads seem to end as the road becomes a slow series of sharp turns, never giving me the opportunity to get back up to speed. It seems like the high top speed was my only advantage, because at every corner we take, I turn my camera around, revealing the other cars inching closer and closer to me.

I can see the finish line on the mini-map, just a few more turns away. I know that I'm not gonna be able to distance myself from Alex and the others at this point, so my only feasible strategy is to keep moving, cutting the corners as fast as I can, and getting to the finish line before they can pass me. Unfortunately, Alex's car seems to be getting too close for comfort now, meaning I might have to take some risks to ensure I can stay in first. As we approach the final turn, leading into the finish line, I realise I'm gonna have to try to drift this corner. I can feel my pointer finger practically cracking the plastic on the controller from the amount of pressure I'm putting on the right trigger. In a final plea to win, I push down on the A button, pulling the handbrake. The car starts to smoothly skid around the corner. Luckily, there are barriers on the sides of the road this time, preventing me from sliding onto the grass. To my surprise, the drift seems to work better than expected. That is, until, like the fucking idiot I am, make a slight overcorrection towards the left barriers as I exit the drift. I managed to avoid driving directly into the wall, but it did slow me down a bit.

Alex is immediately behind me, and I put all of my strength into accelerating towards the finish line. I'd be fucked if I broke the controller, cause I can't really afford the fifty dollars to buy a new one, but winning this race is more important to me at the moment. The finish line is only about five-hundred metres away, and Alex is slowly beginning to pass. All I can do at this point is push the gas as much as I can, and pray that I can cross the finish line before he can get back into first place. The finish line gets closer and closer, and it seems like it's gonna be too close for me to accurately tell the winner. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest from how stressful this fucking game has been, and now, we're about to find out whose efforts paid off. As each car makes its way over the finish line, each of our dedicated sections of the screen turns to slow motion. When it's finally over, the text fades in on each screen, revealing our place...

...

...

...Second?!?

"FUCK!" I shouted, realising I had been holding my breath since the final stretch of the race.

"HA! Dude, you suck!" Alex exclaimed, playfully shoving me.

"I think that was the most effort I've put into anything in my life." I said, setting my controller on the coffee table in front of me.

"Wow, that's dramatic," Justin remarked.

"Yeah, that's the usual for Jake," Elliot replied, laughing.

"You probably woulda won if you picked a better car, dude. That track was way too close-quarters so you should've gone with a car with better acceleration." Alex said.

"Wha- do you own this game?" I questioned, looking accusatory.

"...Yeah? It came out a few months ago, pretty popular right now." He replied.

"Ugh, this is what I get for playing with a bunch of gamers." I exclaimed, applying a disgusted tone to the last word.

"Not my fault you only play like one game a month!" Alex joked.

"Even then, I was like this close to beating you anyway!" I said, gesturing a minuscule distance between my thumb and pointer finger.

A voice interrupts our argument, coming from right outside the room, "Uh huh...

...

Really? That's bullshit! Come on...

...

Dude, give me a couple of days, I'll make it right!

...

Yeah, I swear."

It seems that we all stopped talking to listen in at the same time. "That sounds like Tyler... who's he arguing with?" Elliot asked. I can't make out the voice of whoever he's talking to, it just sounds like mumbling.

They seem to pause for a moment, and the sound of a single set of footsteps can be heard.

"Fuck..." Tyler says to himself, still out of view.

"...I should probably see what's up, you guys can keep playing without me." I say, getting up from my spot on the couch.

"Yeah, you do that! Less competition for me," Alex exclaims, laughing to himself.

"Hey, I can still beat your ass at this game, I know exactly which car to pick this time!" Elliot argued.

"Yeah, right! Guess we'll find out!"

I leave as the three start up another game, kind of glad I don't have to have another near-heart attack from playing again. When I get back into the dimly-lit hallway, Tyler is nowhere to be seen.

I look around, heading into the main room of the house to see if I can spot him. It's pretty difficult to see anything, because of how dim it is here, plus the sheer amount of animals crowding up the place. Despite that, I manage to spot the Grey Wolf a ways away, hurrying quickly into the bathroom.

As I shove my way through a few groups of teens, I almost fall over a few times, gaining confused stares from a few in the room. I lightly knock on the bathroom door, waiting for a response, "Hey, you okay Tyler?" After a few moments, I'm returned with no answer, "...Tyler-" Before I can finish my sentence, Tyler swiftly pulls open the bathroom door, pulling me in and shutting the door behind me, before sitting down on the side of the bathtub. As I'm about to say something, I hear the sound of him sniffling.

...Is he crying?

He's looking towards the floor, so I can't confirm it visually, but the sound definitely gives it away.

"Whoa, what's wrong? Did something happen?" I asked worriedly, not yet choosing to bring up the argument we overheard.

There's a few seconds of silence as he tries to bring himself together, not very successfully. "I- I... I don't- I don't think I can-"

"It's fine, you don't have to tell me if you don't want to," I tried to reassure him. He raises his head for a moment to look at me, trying to find words to say, instead opting to go back to crying, head in his hands. I've never been good with situations like this, so I sit down next to him, putting my hand on his upper back, softly patting.

"I'm sorry- I'm a fucking idiot. I shouldn't have asked you to come."

"Hey! I've been having fun! Don't worry about me, it seems like you're the one who shouldn't have come." I joke, in some effort to lighten the mood.

Shit, was that inconsiderate of me to say?

To my surprise, he manages to let out a light laugh, "Yeah, I'm starting to realise that."

"...Do you wanna leave, then? They know I didn't want to go here in the first place, so you could just say you're being nice and walking me home." I didn't know if he would actually take up that offer, but I know some guys have a weird thing about not wanting to seem 'uncool' and leaving a party early was definitely considered that.

He thinks for a moment, still sniffling pretty noticeably. "...okay, just- give me a minute, I don't want to go out there looking like this." He mumbles, looking towards the door.

"Yeah, that's fine." I said, continuing to rub around his neck area.

This definitely wasn't how I expected the night to go. But it was a sort of 'two-birds-with-one-stone' kind of situation. I get to help out Tyler, which is usually the other way around, I get to leave early, and hopefully Shae stops bugging me about going to parties, at least for a while.

Now that I think about it, that analogy is pretty messed up.

A few silent minutes go by as I sit next to the still-crying Tyler, waiting for him to recollect himself. Even though he hasn't actually said anything here, in the two months I've known him, this is probably the most vulnerable I've ever seen him. When I first met him, it was pretty accurate to describe him as the kind of guy who acts like he never feels emotion. Hell, even I refuse to be open about my feelings, but most of my friends see through that nowadays. Even now, I don't really understand why I do that. I guess it's just easier to not talk about shit like that? Is that why Tyler does it?

"I think I'm good now," He said, shaking his hands as he stood up.

"Okay, let's get out of this dumpster fire." I sarcastically remarked. Tyler shot me a confused look in return. "Whatever, let's just go."

I open the bathroom door, grabbing his arm as I lead him out into the main room. Almost immediately the voice of a certain black cat perks up behind us.

"Oh? And what did you two get up to in there?" Chris remarked, laughing, "I didn't know you guys were THAT kind of friends!"

God damnit. This stupid fucking feline.

"Yeah, it's too loud out here for me, I needed a break, he came with." I explained, Tyler standing closely behind me with a confused look on his face. Just roll with it, dude, I think to myself, knowing I probably shouldn't say that out loud.

"You know, I would believe that, but normal guys actually just go outside when they need a break." He replied.

"Well, hey! That's where we're going right now, so it all checks out!" I say in the bitchiest voice I can muster.

"Heh, sure thing, Jake." He said, sounding weirdly satisfied with himself. I didn't want to spend any more time in this fucking house than I needed to, especially while talking to Chris, so I continue on, pulling Tyler by the hand towards the exit. After a few moments, we make it to the front door. I promptly open it and we both head outside.

We're immediately greeted by the light of the moon and the starry sky as we head down the walkway toward the street. One of the few benefits of living in such a backwater town was the absence of any significant light pollution. I've been to Portland a few times for school field trips and such, and seeing the sheer difference in visible stars was absolutely staggering. I could only imagine what it would be like to go stargazing in the middle of nowhere.

"At least it's a nice night out." I said.

"Yeah..." Tyler replied, his mind clearly in a completely different place.

"I should probably tell Shae where we went, so she doesn't freak out trying to find us back there." I joked, pulling out my cell phone. Texting on my flip phone was an arduous task, but I didn't want to call her, so I had not much of a choice.

I send the text, and close my phone, returning it to my pocket. As we walk down the road, we stew in the silence, the only auditory sounds coming from the party still close by, and the local crickets chirping.

I won't lie, as much as I usually appreciate quiet, this is the loudest silence I've ever been stuck in. It goes on for more than five minutes. I could tell he wanted to say something, and I was eager to find out whatever was going on that started this in the first place. But, like the coward I am, I try to lighten the mood.

"Hopefully that satisfied your quota of me going to parties with you for a while, cause I do not plan on having the energy for something like that again for at least a few months." I said, awkwardly laughing. He doesn't respond, at least for a while, as he raises his hand, scratching the back of his neck nervously. "...Uhh, are you sure you don't wanna talk about it? I mean-"

"Can I tell you something?" He interrupted, his voice still cracking like it was in the bathroom.

"...Sure?" I replied, slightly confused.

"It's just that- I don't really know- like what-"

"-to say? Just think for a minute. No rush." That's what my dad always says whenever my mind spirals. I used to be really anxious, although I've been getting better at controlling my thoughts in the past few years.

When I went to text Shae a few minutes ago, my phone's clock read 9:48 PM. I'm supposed to be home at ten and we're still at least twenty minutes away, not even including the detour we'll take to get to Tyler's place. Which brings me to the realisation that, when we get to his house, I'm gonna have to walk the rest of the way home by myself, in the dark. If I get murdered by some serial killer this late at night I'm gonna fucking haunt Shae from the afterlife-

"I think I'm gay," He quickly says, his voice holding a noticeable increase in energy compared to what I've been used to tonight.

Well... can't say that's exactly what I was expecting. Was I expecting anything in particular? I honestly don't know anymore. His words took me by surprise, my brain is kind of scrambled right now. I look over at him - he's looking back at me, probably trying to gauge my reaction. I did my best to conceal any facial reaction, but it's pretty clear that my lack of a response is starting to become noticeable.

"...You... think?"

"Well, like- I don't know. I guess I've just been thinking for a while, and it makes sense... all things considered." He replied anxiously.

"That- That's great! Does anyone else know?"

"I only really realised a few weeks ago, so... no. But compared to anyone else, I probably trust you the most to not like- tell anyone?" He said, looking over at me again.

"Well, I appreciate the completely undeserved confidence you have in me," I joked, realising too late that now probably isn't the time for that, "Yeah, I promise I won't tell anyone."

"Thank you," He replies, a genuine smile strewn across his face.

A few minutes go by as we walk down the road, absorbing the positive energy we created. Having only known Tyler for a little over two months, it definitely surprised me knowing that he trusted me more than anyone else to keep a secret like that... I mean, despite the short amount of time since I met him, I'm as close to him as I've been to Shaela for the past eight years. Maybe even closer? I barely even tell Shae about my actual problems, at least the non-surface level stuff. So yeah, I guess it makes sense that he would trust me with something so important, I know I would absolutely trust him if it were me in that situation.

"...So, do you think you're gonna tell your dad?"

He didn't say anything for a moment as he stared down at the ground beneath him, "I'll probably have to tell him soon, if he has to find out from some asshole that isn't me it'd make it ten times more difficult than if I just said it myself."

I agreed, and we let the conversation cut itself off as we finally approached Tyler's house. I followed him up the walkway and stood on the patio, making sure he actually got inside. He tries the doorknob eagerly, to no avail. Realising that it was locked, he reaches into his pocket for his key - again, to no avail.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me," Tyler mumbled under his breath, clearly done with tonight. All of the lights were off in the house, signalling that his dad was not awake.

"Maybe you'll wake him up if you knock? Then he can let you in."

"Nonono, he thinks I'm staying at your place! If he finds out I went to a party I'm in deep shit," He whispered.

Of course. If I had to lie to my parents, why would I expect anything different from anyone else?

"Okay, uhh... maybe we can make that lie... not a lie?" I said, sounding weirder than I'd like.

Tyler looked at me, confused for a moment, eyes widening as he realised what I meant, "I can't let you do that, I've already forced you through too much shit tonight."

"Oh, come on, of course you can sleep at my place for the night! My parents think I'm at your house right now, so I can just tell them that we both went over there early in the morning. They love you anyway, so it won't be a problem!"

He didn't move at all, still looking reluctant, "Are you sure it won't be... weird? I don't want to put you in an awkward situation cause of w- what I told you."

"Dude, that couch in my room has a hide-a-bed if you don't want to share mine. Either way, we're friends, aren't we? I trust you."

After a few moments of silence, he speaks up, "...I guess so-"

"Great, then it's settled!" I said, putting my arm around his shoulder as I led him back down the walkway.

---

Once we make it to my place, walk up the creaky wooden steps of my patio as I fish the house key out of my pocket. Tyler's standing closely behind me, looking awkward as ever, clearly not knowing what to do with his hands as he switches between putting them in his pockets and clasping them together.

I turn the key on the lock and try the door, noticing that It's completely pitch black inside the house. My parents usually go to bed at 10 PM, and it was well past that at this point. I lock the door behind us as I reach for my pocket, grabbing my phone and flipping it open to use as a barely-useful flashlight. I take Tyler's wrist as I lead him through the furniture of my living room and up the stairs. The only sounds in the house come from the soft ticking of a clock in the kitchen, the sound of which has always freaked me out whenever I'd come downstairs at three in the morning. Despite my best efforts to be as quiet as possible, the old wooden boards of the stairs prove my effort to be futile as they creak with every step. I can only hope that both of my parents have fallen asleep by now, or else they'd definitely have heard us. As I take Tyler down the hallway, walls strung with various family photos and art fit for a motel, I hear no sounds coming from the master bedroom, relaxing some of my tension.

Once we make it to my room, I breathe a sigh of relief as I turn on the overhead light, hoping my mom doesn't find out and try to lecture me in the morning, "Okay, hide-a-bed or mine, your choice!"

"Hide-a-bed." He replies.

"Sure thing, lemme show you how to set it up," I say as I remove each couch cushion one by one. The couch is sitting directly under my massive bedroom window, illuminated by the glow of the moon. Under the cushions is a black folded-up contraption, bearing a metal handle. I grab the handle and start pulling the bed out from the couch. As the first section of the bed comes out, Tyler stands next to me and helps unfold the second section, and finally the third.

I move over to open the closet door, "I have some spare pillows and blankets in here."

"So, why do you have a spare bed... thingy... in your room anyway?" He asked.

"My cousins' family came to visit from the other side of the country a few years back, so my parents made the cousins stay in my room and gave me our old couch that used to be in the living room. They were here for like two weeks, it was fucking awful," I remarked, pulling a comforter out of the closet and unfolding it out on the mattress.

"That sounds miserable," Tyler sympathized.

"It was, but hey, now I got a sick as fuck couch in my room! And it works as a great place for certain friends to sleep when they wanna spend the night," I said sarcastically, looking over at Tyler as I grabbed the pillows from the closet, tossing them to one end of the bed.

He turned his head, baffled, "Was that a dig on me?" He questioned.

"Depends on how you took it I suppose," I replied, smiling cunningly.

"You're the one who offered, dude- are you sure you didn't drink at the party? You've at least doubled your usual level of sarcasm." He retorted.

"Nope, unless somebody spiked my soda!" I joked, but the realisation slowly set in, "Oh shit- maybe someone spiked my soda?!?"

"Don't freak out, I seriously doubt someone would spike your drink,"

"God, I hope so, if my parents found out I went to that party, that'd be one thing, but if I got drunk? I doubt I'd see the outside world for months," I sighed.

"Even if you were drunk, it's not like you would still be drunk in the morning for them to find out, anyway."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," I said, letting out a yawn shortly thereafter. "Fuck, I didn't realise how tired I am." Looking at my alarm clock, it was 10:37 PM. That wasn't terribly late, I've definitely stayed up later when there was an assignment due the next day that I forgot about, but even before I met up with Alex and Elliot, that party was just wearing me down. "At least I can sleep in 'till like noon tomorrow. You sure you don't need anything before I pass out from exhaustion?"

"No, I'm okay, I think. And, thank you... Jake." He replied, smiling at me.

"No problem, dude!" I quietly exclaimed as I turned off the bedroom lights and hopped into bed. I can practically feel my muscles dissolve as I lean into the mattress, pulling the heavy blankets over me as I close my eyes.

I can't help but feel something itching in the back of my brain. I never did find out why Tyler was even crying back at the party. Was it related to what he told me after? He sounded pretty upset when he was talking to whoever it was in the hallway, too, so maybe that was why? We've already talked about so much shit tonight, though, and I definitely did not have the energy to have another huge conversation about something like that. It could definitely wait until tomorrow.

Soon, I feel my consciousness drift away, the only sound I can make out being the slow breathing of Tyler, across the room.

---

As I wake up, I'm blinded by the bright sun shining in through my windows, directly into my eyes. I glance over at my alarm clock, feeling incredibly groggy and sore, noticing that it's 11:13 AM. Usually, the latest I'd sleep in on weekends was only around ten, but I guess it took a lot of my energy yesterday to try to tune the party out. At least it's over.

I slowly sit up, yawning as I lean back against the bed frame. I glanced around the room, noticing that the hide-a-bed had been folded back into the couch, Tyler nowhere to be seen. I reach over to my bedside table to check my phone, finding an unread text from him, sent a few hours ago.

Tyler: hey

woke up early, figured youd want 2 sleep in.

will call u later, might have somthin big i wanna share, will see

A pair of oddly cryptic messages. Guess that confirms he isn't here anymore.

At least it was a Saturday, meaning that I had full permission to be a slob. I get out of bed, deciding to skip my usual shower until after breakfast. Other than the snacks that were out at the party, I ate practically nothing last night. I could almost feel my stomach turning itself inside out, so I hurried out of my room and downstairs to the kitchen to have some breakfast.

The first thing I notice when I get downstairs is my mom, sitting on the couch with a book. I head straight to the kitchen, trying not to make myself stand out.

"Jake! Finally woken up, I see." She remarked, still looking at her book.

"Hey, mom!" There's a moment of silence as I grab a bowl out of the cupboard, as well as a box of cereal, and begin to pour.

She speaks up, "Your friend, Tyler, seemed to be in a hurry to leave this morning, anything I should know about?"

"...Not that I know of? Like what?" I questioned as I poured some milk from the fridge, grabbed a spoon, and sat at the kitchen counter.

"Well, it's not like we didn't notice that you weren't home by ten like your father asked you to be, so obviously you must have a good excuse for why you didn't at least call to let us know you'd be late?" She replied. I could tell when she started talking all responsible-parent-like, it meant that she was gonna lecture me about something.

I sighed, thinking of the right thing to say. "...Well, Tyler was going through some things... so I was trying to help him with that, I guess. Time just kinda flew by and I wasn't able to get home 'till later."

"So he spent the night here? Weren't you at his house?" She asked as I ate a spoonful of cereal.

"Yeah... we went out for a bit and once I noticed how late it was I offered to let him spend the night at our house since it was closer," I said. Almost entirely a lie, but definitely preferable to the truth.

"Jake..." She said, setting her book down on the coffee table in front of the couch, walking over to me, and resting a hand on my shoulder. "You're sixteen now, obviously we don't expect you to tell us everything you're up to nowadays. But we worry about you! I worry about you. Just for future reference, please let us know if you're gonna be home late or anything like that."

"Okay, I'll keep that in mind," I said, looking up at her.

"Great! Now, I have to go meet a friend for lunch, please try not to burn the house down while I'm out!" She said as she grabbed her purse and keys off of the counter, hurring out the door.

"No promises, love you!" I said as she closed the door behind her.

Well, I guess that went... better than expected? I doubt she believed that story I made up, but I guess as long as I don't break curfew without telling them, I should be fine.

Having the house to myself wasn't totally uncommon. Considering my dad was gone during the day five days a week, and my mom would head out to go meet friends or run errands pretty often, I got some much needed alone time often enough to not go mad.

As I finish my bowl of cereal, I realise that I probably should go shower as soon as possible, considering the night I had. I put my bowl and spoon in the dishwasher and head back upstairs. I grab a towel from my room and head into the bathroom, grabbing my various fur care products out of the cabinet for after the shower. As I turn the shower on, I hear the sound of my ringtone going off in the pocket of my pants on the floor. I sigh annoyedly, walking over and trying to figure out which pocket my phone was in. When I flip open the phone, the Caller ID reads out Tyler's name.

"Tyler! What's up?" I ask eagerly, hoping to find out what the news he cryptically texted about was.

"Jake- fuck, I messed up, I shouldn't have- what am I gonna do?" He said anxiously, sounding almost out of breath.

"Hey! Slow down, what's wrong?" I questioned.

"I'm such a fucking idiot! Why did I think this would be a good idea? Jake, I'm so sorry-"

"Tyler! Calm. Down. Just take a few deep breaths," I said. After a few moments, I can hear his breathing steadying on the other side of the call. "Okay, good. Now, what's wrong?"

There's a short pause as he tries to find the right words to say. It sounds like he's been crying. What even the fuck has been the past twenty-four hours?

"Can- do you think I could crash at y- your place for a few more nights? I don't know what to do."

[austerlitzborodinoleipzig]

Favourite programs 2019/2020 season - Men’s FS

As usual I tend to like short programs more than free skates. The former tend to be more tightly structured and choreographed. And because you have to land multiple quads/jump combination in the FS, you need room to breath so a lot more filler between big elements in the FS. 

That said there were some nice ones. And some really good ones.

Kevin Aymoz - Lighthouse - choreo by Silvia Fontana

Not my favourite of Kevin’s programs by a long shot. Also I can’t help but compare it to Savchenko/Massot’s version... I’m not saying S/M’s FS was better. Absolutely not. Just saying it meant more to me, and Kevin falls a bit short. But again strictly personal choice. 

That said, great choreo. Wonderful performances... Not great by Kevin’s standards. Outstanding by everybody else’s. 

Tomoki Hiwatashi - Petrushka - choreo by Tom Dickson

First of all: great music choice. Now that pop music has become a common thing, it’s actually refreshing to see a skater use instrumental/classical music, especially if the music selected is not a warhorse. 

So kudos to Tomoki for choosing Stravinsky’s gorgeous score, and staying away from more comme choices like Firebird. Also where’s my Rite of Spring program?

The choreo is great fun, really keeping the spirit of the piece. It has been done before, but it’s still refreshing to see. A bit too complicated perhaps for Tomoki. I don’t think he quite managed to really pull it off, but kudos for trying and that FS will definitely make him grow as a performer. 

Jason Brown - Schindler’s List - choreo by David Wilson

I don’t usually like Schindler’s List programs. Not going to start a discussion about sensitivity/offensiveness, because I don’t think it’s my place to do so, but without all that, I still find these kind of programs “a bit too much”. Like in a “you want some drama? I’ll show serious drama” kind of stuff. But Jason managed to make this program entirely his own, and deliver gut-wrenching performances. I think it’s my favourite FS of his. 

Kazuki Tomono - Moulin Rouge - choreo by Misha Ge

The only valid Moulin Rouge. No seriously, this is a warhorse I loathe. It just feels cheap to me. Music is cheap. Sexyness that comes with this type of programs is cheap...

And then Kazuki comes and sets the ice rink on fire. Honestly he sould receive 10 in PE for the type of performances he delivers with this program. It’s that good. 

Nathan Chen - Rocketman - choreo by Shae-Lynn Bourne

Just the best thing Nathan has ever done. Also the first time I’ve completely, 100% loved one of his programs. No “what ifs” like there were with Nemesis. No “you know I can see lots of potential. It’s just there, and not really brought to life” like with Land of All. Just. Iconic. 

First of all, the program is just wonderfully structured, the music cuts are good, the three phases complement each other.

Also it’s pure Nathan, and I’m glad he has finally found his style. I just can’t imagine another skater doing this kind of program. BTW it’s not a question of technical abilities, but of idk, energy, style. Like that’s pure Nathan. A bit rough around the edges. Pure unbridled energy, triumph, in your face kind of thing. Land 5 quads, and then does freestyle for the choreo sequence. 

Junhwan Cha - The Fire Within - choreo by Shae-Lynn Bourne

Just a gorgeous program all around. 4 minutes of intensity on ice. Great music choice that really suits him. Gorgeous step sequence. Gorgeous choreo sequence, with that Ina Bauer. (Really the best of the season, all fields put together)

Honorable mentions: Yuzuru Hanyu (Origin), Artur Danielian (Verdi medley), Adam Siao Him Fa (Woodkid), Daniel Grassl (Nocturnal Animals), Petr Gummenik (Phantom of the Opera)

[madamebaggio]

Hot night for Sansa Stark and Arthur Pendragon.

Things just got pretty serious between Rockstar Arthur Pendragon and Pop Princess Sansa Stark. The couple was caught in a very intimate moment during a party at Producer William Hart’s house. Inside sources say they “were all over each other the whole night”, with Arthur introducing Sansa as his girlfriend to his friends. After a few moments in a dark room, the couple retired for the night, clearly for a more intimate moment. 

Chapter 10 

It was Shae’s frantic knocking that woke Sansa up. She had a bad feeling before she even got to the door, because this wasn’t normal. Shae didn’t go around knocking on her door like the house was on fire. Something had happened.

“Sansa…” Shae spoke softly as soon as Sansa opened the door.

“What happened?” Sansa demanded.

Shae just sighed and passed her the tablet. It was a picture of her and Arthur, clearly taken from inside the house. Someone -one of the guests -had found them kissing and taken a picture. They had just kissed, because Arthur was serious about respecting her wishes, and she’d liked him even more for it.

However, she had been sitting on his lap, and -as nobody knew what happened after that -it was easy to assume it had been way more heated that it’d actually been.

And it was what the headline suggested.

“Hot night for Sansa Stark and Arthur Pendragon.”

“Sansa…” Shae called softly.

“Does Brienne already know?” She asked.

“She called me.” Shae admitted. “She isn't happy. She wanted to kill Bedivere, because it was a private party, this shouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s not his fault.” Sansa sighed. “How about Arthur?”

“He didn’t call me, but he has your number.”

Yes, he did, and if he hadn’t called, something wasn’t right. “I’ll call him.”

***

Arthur had gone out for a long run that morning, and that was the reason he didn’t have his phone and didn’t know what was going on.

However, as soon as he got to his apartment and opened the door, he knew something had happened, because Bedivere was there and he wasn’t happy.

“Arthur…”

Arthur ignored him and went straight to his phone, because if Bedivere was looking at him like that, the chances of it having something to do with Sansa were big.

“Don’t talk to her until I speak.” Bedivere asked.

Arthur paused, the phone in his hand. He could see that Sansa had already called him four times. “Then talk fast.”

“Someone took a picture of you two kissing at the party.”

“How? The curtains were pulled closed.”

“It was from inside the house.” Bedivere admitted.

“What?” Arthur growled. “Who was it?”

“I don’t know yet…”

“Then find out!” Arthur snapped. “This is unacceptable, Bedivere, and not only because of Sansa. Everybody that was invited was a friend, people I thought I could trust.”

Bedivere pressed his lips together, like he wanted to say something, but then he just nodded. Arthur didn’t even bother in continue this conversation -but, fuck, he’d need to apologize later, Bedivere didn’t deserve to be treated like this -he pressed the button to call Sansa.

She answered on the second ring. “Arthur! Where have you been?”

“I’m sorry, Sansa, I was running.” He pressed the heel of his hand against his eye. “Are you fine?”

“No.” She sighed. “I hate this. Have you seen the picture? Have you read the article?”

“No, and neither should you. I know…” He pressed when he heard the beginning of a protest. “I know this isn’t…” He sighed. “This is my fault.”

Sansa sighed. “That took a turn. Arthur, it’s not. I don’t blame you, ok? I don’t know if you think I do, but I don’t. It’s just that… After everything with Cersei and Joffrey, I hate to be featured in a tabloid like this.”

“And you aren’t wrong. I hate this too.” He took a deep breath. “I’ll find out who did it, okay?”

She sighed once again. “Ok. Call me.” And she hung up, leaving Arthur with a whole on his chest.

***

It didn’t take long to find out who was responsible for that. Bill had a lot of contacts, and through that they found out what happened.

Rubio -the boy from the comics -had been invited to the party. He took the picture and send it to a friend, and this friend sold it.

The boy insisted he didn’t know his friend would do that, but it wasn’t the point. He took the fucking picture, and this was the main problem. It was such a breach in privacy that Arthur told Bedivere to cancel the comic. He didn’t care if he had to personally pay some kind of fine, if he was sued or whatever.

Even if it hadn’t been a picture of them together, even if Sansa wasn’t involved, this was unacceptable.

And the tabloids were having a field day with it. This was what Arthur hated the most: the supposed ‘close friends’ telling what was happening, people talking about them as if they knew them, fuckers who had the nerves of calling themselves ‘specialists’ evaluating their relationship.

Besides all of that, there were still fans from both sides giving their opinion about it, as if Sansa and Arthur were their property and they had rights to their relationship somehow.

He was so fucking pissed that Bedivere had confiscated his phone, worried that he’d start some sort of Twitter war with everyone.

His bandmates were supportive, and they were also angry about the situation.

And Sansa… After the story got traction and became more than just one picture on a tabloid, she became distant, sending less messages and hardly ever answering her phone. Arthur was getting concerned that this whole circus would make him look like too much trouble to her.

So when he called Shae to ask how things were and she told him that Sansa had gone to visit her parents, he had a minute of panic.

Then he decided that fuck it, he was going after her.

***

Sansa hadn’t meant to run away from the situation. She really hadn’t, and she wasn’t proud of herself.

However, as the days passed and the subject wouldn’t die she fell into a spiral. She started remembering how were things right after she left Joffrey and broke her contract with Cersei, all the people analyzing her situation and giving opinions and saying terrible things about her.

Those flashbacks took her to a dark place: the days when she was convinced she was fat and needed to lose weight urgently, the days when she was worried Joffrey might slap her, but still worried he’d leave her, when she wanted to please Cersei so badly she’d talk shit about her own family.

She didn’t want to run, but she had to. She felt like a mess, and she worried that Arthur would give up on her because of all that. She called her therapist and tried to calm down, but she realized she needed her mother. Desperately.

Catelyn was waiting for her with open arms when she went to Montana. She let her daughter cry on her shoulder.

“You know… I had my doubts about that boy, but…” She gave a resigned sighed. “He doesn’t seem so bad. Why don’t you call him?”

“What if he thinks I’m too much work?” Sansa asked, for the first time voicing that fear.

“Then he doesn’t deserve you.” Cat told her simply. “And I know it’s easy for me to say this, I know.” She insisted. “But you deserve so much love, Sansa. It really hurts me to see you thinking you don’t.”

Sansa had nothing to say to that. She’d worked so much on herself, her therapist had been so good and patient, but she didn’t feel like she was better. She was still running, wasn’t she?

“Sansa?”

Sansa and Cat turned to Ned, who was hovering by the door. “Yes, dad?”

“That Pendragon boy is here.” He told her, like he couldn’t believe it himself.

“What?” She almost fell from the couch.

“He is here.” Her father repeated. “He didn’t come in, he told me he’d wait to see if you wanted to talk to him.”

Sansa looked at her mother. “The choice is yours, darling.” Cat indicated. “But, for what’s worth, he deserves an answer too.”

Sansa sighed and got up, thanking her dad.

Arthur was outside, leaning against a motorcycle, looking so much like the bad boy he was supposed to be, that Sansa couldn’t hold back a smile.

“This is turning into stalking.” She said as a greeting. “How did you find me?”

 He shrugged. “Your sister.”

 “Traitor.” She grumbled, but it was without heat. ‘What do you want?”

 “To give you a ride, Red.” He offered her a helmet. “Hop on.”

She didn’t hesitate to grab the helmet and climb on the bike. If there was one thing Sansa knew, it was that she could trust Arthur.

“I know where we can go.” She offered.

Arthur nodded and drove away. She’d point turns to him, but they didn’t go that far. Her parents’ state was big, but she had a favorite spot.

Once they got there she took off her helmet and climbed off. Arthur did the same.

“I’m glad you decided to see me, Sansa.” He told her honestly.

“I’m sorry I left.” She told him simply.

“I’m not angry or anything. It’s okay that you need space, sometimes I do too.” He told her. “But… If we… If this happens… Can you please talk to me before taking off?”

Her heart stopped for a second. “You still want to do this?”

“Of course I do. Nothing changed, Sansa.” He took a deep breath in. “Unless you’re actively fighting against it. I gave up a long time ago.”

 Sansa snorted. “Can you imagine the headlines? Princess of the Pop and Bad Boy of the Rock?”

 “I honestly don’t care. Do you?��� There was real concern in his voice now.

“I’m afraid of disappointing you.” She admitted.

“Why would you?” He asked kindly.

“Because you’re so brave, and I’m here hiding.”

“I’m not brave, Red.” He came closer and picked her hand up. “I’m fucking terrified. I flew all the way here…”

“Rented a bike…”

“I have a reputation to keep.” He agreed smoothly. “Just because I was scared that you were about to ditch me.”

Sansa seemed horrified by the thought. “Me? I thought you were going to realize I’m a mess.”

“Well, you are a mess -a hot one, by the way…”

Sansa snorted, but Arthur didn’t stop. He cupped her face. “But I’m nowhere near perfect. I’m also a bit of a mess. And I don’t care if you need time, if you need space. Whatever you need, if I can give it to you, I will. I want to be by your side. I just hope you want me there.”

“For chrissake!” Her voice was teary. “Why do you have to be so good?”

Arthur chuckled and rested his forehead against her. “I’m not, don’t feed my ego. It doesn’t require help.”

Sansa’s chuckle was a bit watery. “So you want to try?”

“I do.” He told her honestly. “Can we do this together?”

“One condition.” She told him seriously.

“Name your price.” He replied immediately.

“A duet.” She grinned up at him.

Arthur barked a laughter. “You want us to sing together?”

“Yes, and I already have the song.”

His grin became a thing of beauty. “Whatever you want, Red.”

***

Notes: So this was supposed to be the last one, but I felt it’d be too rushed if I kept it that way.

As it has been a looooong while since I updated this, you can check the full work on my AO3 page.

We’ll have a short chapter to close the story and talk about the duet ;)

Also, I used Rubio like this, because he clearly gave the resistance up on the movie, so he’s clearly not to be trusted.

Fine, I might be bitter about that.

[sailorshadzter]

Post s8. Sansa learns of Tyrion killing Shae. So she sends Jon her royal pardon as a big fuck you to Tyrion. She also sents a letter threatening Tyrion to be sentenced to the Watch if he so much walks on northern soil.

thanks for this request!

this is one thing i really hate that the show never talked about- it’s just another thing on a long ass list of complaints- but i know sansa never would have forgiven tyrion if she found out the truth about shae. 

i hope you enjoy!

send me prompts

The knock on her door pulls her attention from the scroll of parchment in her hands. "Come in," the young queen calls and when the door opens, it is Lord Royce. He approaches her where she sits at her desk and offers her a bow. "You have news?" She asks, to which he nods, though his face does not change its expression. Somehow, she already knows what he's going to say before he even says it.

"There was a guard in King's Landing... A guard that Tyrion Lannister paid him to help him dispose of the body." He bows his head, eyes closing as he lets out the breath he's been holding. "I am sorry, my queen." He murmurs when he opens his eyes, taking in the sight of her face. She's gone white, but merely purses her lips together and nods. "The guard said it was Tyrion that took her life."

"And her body?" The queen asks, her voice sharp as steel, her gaze even sharper.

"Buried somewhere in the gardens." Lord Royce replies, watching as the queen sits back in her chair, hands twisting together on her lap beneath her desk. "The guard said that Tyrion visits it regularly, though he tells anyone who asks it's merely a spot he enjoys that's away from everyone." The queen chokes on a laugh and she rolls her sapphire colored eyes, giving her head the smallest of shakes, as if she cannot believe the words he's just said.

"Thank you, Lord Royce." She says by way of dismissal- but as he turns to go, she calls out to him again. "A moment more, if you don't mind." She holds out a folded parchment that's already been sealed with her sigil in wax. "Send this to Lord Tyrion straight away, if you would." Lord Royce takes the letter from her, noticing a new glint in her eyes he's never seen before. "And this one..." She holds out another letter and this time, her lips curve with a strained sort of smile. "This one to Castle Black." Lord Royce holds her gaze for a single moment before he accepts the letter and tucks it, along with the one for Tyrion, into his doublet. "Thank you, my lord," she says with a truer smile and he nods, smiling for her before he bows and backs out of the room.

When she's alone, the smile fades, but Sansa finds she can cry no tears.

It feels as though all of her tears have been spent- from her days back in King's Landing until now, she's cried so much that surely there can be no more tears that fall from her eyes. Besides, she's cried for this loss already. Since the day she had left King's Landing, she has missed Shae dearly. She's thought of her often and had hoped there would come a day when they would meet again. But, such a thought had been the naive hope of a girl long since gone. But... To learn what she's learned this day... That Tyrion himself had taken the life of the only friend she'd had in King's Landing.

She thinks of the letters she's sent and she smiles. He would know her fury, that much she's certan of. And the other letter... She can only hope it will be answered.

[ x x x ]

"A letter, my lord."

Tyrion looks up from where he sits at his desk, piles of papers littering the top. "Thank you," he says as he takes the letter from the young man, waiting until the door has closed behind him to look it over. On the front is his name in neat, slanted handwriting, handwriting of a well educated woman, if he had to guess. And sure enough when he turns it over, it is the Stark sigil pressed into the sealing wax.

For a moment, his heart wavers, as if he knows opening this letter will change everything. But he forces his fingers to move, breaking the seal on the Queen in the North's letter that has so suddenly arrived for him.  And then... He reads.

Tyrion,

              For the last several months, I have sought answers in regards to my handmaiden Shae. I know you two were lovers once and now I know you killed her with your bare hands. You need not write me to protest your innocence, the guard you once paid off is now in my confidence. It seems that I have friends even there, you would do well to remember that. 

             If it were not my brother who is King, I would crush you with an army of my own making. I would take you as my prisoner and I would ensure you spend the last of your days in a jail cell where you so truly belong. But I honor my brother and he speaks highly of you, even if I cannot say why. I once did, too, though you have proven your hand to me time and time again. 

           As you are not a subject of my own, there is little I can do, but I can do this: if you ever step foot into the North, you will be punished. If I catch even a scent of Lannister in my kingdom, you will find yourself at the mercy of the North, and you will not find your way out of it. If I decide to be merciful, I will send you to the wall to join the Night's Watch with the other criminals, as it is the only place among the living that you deserve to be. 

         But, as you will stay there in King's Landing and continue to go unpunished for your crime against Shae and all others, this will serve as atonement enough. By the time you read this letter, Jon Snow will be freed from the Night's Watch and in my keep. He was undeservedly punished and if you will not be punished, then neither shall he. 

        I again warn you on setting foot into the North, for I am not a queen of mercy when it comes to punishing those who deserve it most.

When he finishes her letter, his heart is thumping wildly in his chest.

He thinks of Shae often, but avoids thinking of what he did to her. For a moment, he imagines her as she had been that day- her eyes wide and her nails clawing, fighting with every bit of strength she had to survive. And she almost had. Almost.

He doesn't regret what he did, he only regrets that it had to be her. He had loved her, after all. Truthfully, he's surprised that Sansa has learned the truth, especially so many years later. He had assumed she had thought little of Shae, as she had most everyone in King's Landing, not that he could blame her. Yet again, he had under estimated Sansa Stark, as most everybody around her had done all of her life. Now, he knows, and he knows better than to ever try and find out if she's good on her promise of his punishment.

And so he supposes he will have to live with Jon Snow's release and live without ever returning North.

[ x x x ]

Sitting upon her throne, Sansa looks out at the empty room around her, fingers tightening their hold on the arm rests as the double doors across the room open. It is Jon standing there, his dark hair wilder than ever, his face hidden behind months worth of scruff. But it is Jon... It's Jon. He steps into the room and the door closes behind him as he walks along the aisle, towards where she sits, spine straight, knuckles white.

He walks until he's right there, just barely out of her reach. "My queen," he murmurs before he drops to a knee before her, Longclaw unsheathed and offered to her in a gesture of fealty. For the first time in his life, those two words, my queen,mean something to him. They mean everything to him. "I am yours, if you would have me." When he raises his eyes to meet hers, he's blindsided by the brilliance of her smile.

"You have always been mine." She replies, ignoring the warmth that gathers in her cheeks, ignoring the wild thumping of her heart in her chest. There has never been anyone else, nor would there ever be. "Welcome home."

When Jon rises to his feet, it's to open his arms to her, and he knows he's home.

Truly, home.

[shy-of-the-cool]

Jaime is a good man!

So like everybody I think, these last few days have been spent in a blur wondering what the hell happened on GOT on Sunday. It's taken a few days of venting, thinking and researching and I have to say I'm still on Jaime's side. After rewatching all of season 7 and then season 8 ep2 and 4 multiple times I can completely understand his aim.

This is a man who for years has loved only one woman, somebody he came into the world with, somebody he bore children with and somebody who ultimately brought out the arrogant, obsessive dark side of him. His entire life from the moment he was deemed Kingslayer has been a war between him wanting to be the best and most honourable man he can be in a situation that expects the very worst from him. His goal has always been his family, namely Cersei, Tyrion and his children. Keeping them safe and protected no matter what the cost...The things I do for love. The last line he muttered at the end of episode 1 season 1 and still he lives by that quest. Every atrocious, evil act he has done has had Cersei at the basis of it, to either get back to her, protect her or impress her.

We have to remember that Jaime and Cersei have been in a romantic relationship since they were young and they are both in their 40's now. That's a hell of a long time to be devoted to somebody. Now I wanted to research season 7 because I wanted to see the foreshadowing of them breaking up and obviously Jaime could see that slowly the power was overtaking Cersei and she was beginning to show signs of madness, but still through it all he remained loyal and when she announced the pregnancy and said she wanted people to know he is the father you could tell that was all he had ever wanted, but still even that moment was ruined by Cersei's viciousness. Now looking at the last episode of season 7 when Jaime leaves I wanted to work out the exact point you could see he completely gave up on Cersei. Of course he was not happy with her decision to not let him and the Lannister army go north but I don't believe that is what decided it for him. The moment when Cersei tells Jaime that she and Euron had plotted behind his back to hire the Golden Company and she planned to be his queen, you can see Jaime's heart literally break in 2. This was the woman he had given everything to, had broken oaths for, murdered for, betrayed people for and she was treating him like he was despensable. Like he was nothing, a subject that was stepping out of line. And I think that was the moment he thought, I've lost her, she is no longer my reason to die. When he threatens to leave she doesn't beg him to stay or show him any loyalty, she actually threatens to kill him for treason. I thinks that when Jaime thinks I made a pledge to go north and fight for the living and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. I think Brienne is an important factor in this as he remembers her statements to him in the dragonpit, and he wants to make her proud by honouring his pledge he made to her and the others.

To go north was ultimately a very brave decision on Jaime's part as he knew the welcome he would receive would be unkind and he would not be wanted there but still he is willing to face death to honour the pledge he made. To be an honourable man! What i don't think Jaime was prepared for when he got north was how he would feel seeing Brienne, as I stated in a previous post, s8 ep2 is basically Jaime pining over Brienne and I believe this stems from their first meeting again in his trial. You think, he has literally just left a woman he had loved for years without her showing any kind of affection or loyalty back to him, always let him take any fall he needed to for her and now here is,in a room full of judgement and Brienne has no qualms about standing up in front of those people and vouching that he is a good man, an honourable man and she would without a doubt fight beside him! She defends him knowing it puts her in a position to be ridiculed and possibly turned against but she does it. And in that moment I think he lets these buried feelings begin to surface. He admires her, he adores her, he wants to be good enough for her. He knows she would never ask him to do anything unjustly or unknightly like Cersei did. She has never judged him since sharing that bath at Harrenhal. She has respected him, as a knight and as a noble man. Throughout that entire episode he wants to be near her cause in his mind he doesn't plan on making it through that battle. He wants his last few hours spent with a woman that for a long time he has harboured feelings but because of the toxic hold Cersei had on him he could never admit it or even contemplate and still even now he doesn't want to dive in because what if he dies or worse what if she does. So they stand together in battle and fight for eachother. Not leaving each other sides for fear of not being there to save the other. But then they do survive, they make it through a battle where death is probable.

Now i also want to mention that I think for years Jaime's path in life was being prepared to die for those he loves, he puts himself in harms way numerous times to keep Cersei safe, Tyrion, Tommen, Myrcella and Brienne. He has never been afraid of dying, in fact I think in some way he hoped for it. Hoped for the torture to end, the feeling of failure, to die for a worthy cause so the world finally knew he was an honourable knight. He pledged to fight for the living and I think that's important to remember going into s8 ep4.

Now like everybody I had issues with this episode, I was so angry to begin with, what have they done to Jaime, why are they changing him, but then i watched again and again and actually i realised, they haven't, he is the same way he has always been. With Brienne, he is nervous, he feels unworthy, because all his life he has loved one woman loyally and even she threw him aside, and brienne is 100x the woman Cersei is so how could he ever be good enough, yet after the battle they both realise I think that they both long to be loved by somebody that loves them back, somebody they trust, in that moment just before they make love, Jaime looks at brienne with such awe and admiration and love quoting "I've never slept with a knight" I took that as he has never slept with anybody he deemed noble or honourable or loyal as Cersei is none of those things, and obviously Brienne has never given herself to anyone as she has never trusted anybody enough to let her guard down with but in eachother they have found missing parts of themselves and it's actually a truly beautiful moment. Too short though! And then when Jaime wakes up the next morning for the longest time I could not understand the look he had on his face, he appeared scared, and I thought why, then i realised in that moment he has found something to live for, he can see a future with Brienne, he truly loves her and she makes him happy. And that bloody terrifies him because when do Lannisters ever get happy endings! Even Tyrion can see how happy he is and not once did Tyrion ever say that about him and Cersei. Jaime even tells Brienne he will stay in Winterfell with her instead of going back to KL to help defeat his sister, that's a huge deal for him, he wants a life with Brienne.

But then of course he plummets back to earth with a bang when he finds out what Cersei has done to Dany’s Dragon and Missandei being captured and he realises, he can't just run away from this problem. I think Olenna Tyrell said it best in Season 7 when she was with Jaime during her last moments. “If she has driven you this far, it’s gone beyond your control....she’s a disease, I regret my role in spreading it...you will too” I think finally, Jaime is seeing Cersei as the disease and how he finally needs to put a stop to the spreading of it. This woman controlled him for years, manipulated him, and yet that has helped him know Cersei, know her mind, know what lengths she would go to and the people she would hurt to get what she wants. The north wouldn't be safe, KL wouldn't be safe, Brienne wouldn't be safe not while Cersei still rules. So he makes one of the hardest decisions he ever will, he pledged to fight for the living so that's what he's gonna do, when he leaves without waking Brienne that night I think it's because he literally can't bear the thought of having to saying goodbye probably for the last time. But then she comes to find him and he wasn't prepared for her reaction. Now remember Cersei never begged him to stay when he said he was leaving, nobody has ever ever begged him to stay, to ask him not to put himself in harms way to save somebody else. But Brienne does, she loves him so much the thought of him going to KL and probably sacrificing himself pains her and Jaime can see that in her eyes as she begs him to stay. Jaime didn’t see this coming, he doesn’t anticipate it and you can see in those long moments when he’s clutching her hand, he doesn’t want to go of course he wants to stay, but he knows if he tells her why he has to go to KL, she will follow, she will pledge to stay by his side no matter what, and Jaime can’t bear that, to let Cersei even have the chance of destroying Brienne is not an option. So he breaks her heart, he reminds her of he is, who Cersei has made him become, what hateful things he did to love that hateful woman. Even though this isn’t who he is now, he’s actually hoping for the fact that Brienne will think the worst of him and let him go. It’s awful because you can tell it absolutely breaks Jaime to do this, but he loves Brienne more than the idea of living happily ever after with her, her safety is all he cares about. And what I actually found quite poetic about this moment is that Tyrion had to do the exact same thing with Shae when Cersei found out about her, he had to lie and say she was nothing but a whore to break her heart in hopes she would run and get safe. I find it ironic that the two great loves in these Lannister’s lives have been destroyed because of Cersei. This is why Jaime will not return to save Cersei, or because he loves her. They came into the world together, of course he has to be there when she leaves it, they have unfinished business. But this is not the end of Jaime and Brienne. Their love story is probably one of the most important in GOT. It’s lasted over 7 seasons and I can’t see it culminating in Jaime dying, I think that would be too obvious. They have finally after all this time given him something to live for and I can’t see him not doing everything in his power to get back to the one he loves.

[sleepyowlwrites]

find the word tag LXXIII

please to note that in my notes @josephinegerardywriter has been titled “jo but not from little women” because everybody else had a nickname and she needed one too

regain (Youth story supplemental)

“What if I am a ghost?”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah.” That’s not what he meant and Cal knew it, but neither of them brought it up.

“Then I’ll just deal and you have regain solidity by having waffles for breakfast tomorrow, okay?”

Nyks loved the way Cal could say anything and have it sound like the most sincere promise he’d ever made. “Okay.”

see (Summon story)

“It was possessed,” Wryn said, like they needed to explain that when Zan had just mentioned that particular fact. They pushed the lizard off the dagger with a finger and it dropped into the puddle without a splash. Wryn shook the remaining spirit blood off the dagger before erasing the array, the portal water soaking back into the earth in seconds.

“Still,” Shae said a moment later, wrinkling her nose. “You didn’t have to take it out just for us to see.”

understand (Anxiety story draft 1)

“Are you-” she stopped with her mouth open like she’d been about to add “okay” onto the sentence but decided that it wasn’t the right word. In the next several seconds, nothing seemed to be the right word because she didn’t say anything else.

Aiden wanted to reassure her like she reassured him by simply existing in the same space, even though he didn’t understand how that worked.

story (Shots)

"Okay then." Jay turned where she told him to. "How did you get into this extremely specific unit?"

She unbuckled her seatbelt as he turned the car off, rolling around various answers in her head. Jay didn't prompt her for an answer but let her think about it as they headed into the old bookstore they'd parked next to. "It's a long story," was what she finally said with an accompanying apologetic smile. "Maybe I'll tell you one day."

@vellichor-virgo stars books you really are the most deep periwinkle person

sky (Youth story)

Irina sipped at her peach juice, seemingly wrestling with that idea. “I don’t want to steal anything.”

“You want to steal everything.” Suyin said it like she was angry, but her face was clear as the sky. “Rather, you want it all to be given to you.”

“So maybe I do,” Irina snapped back, but then didn’t add anything else.

click (Shots)

She clicked her tongue and straightened. "Yeah, we're going to see my guy."

"I'll take you back after and you can get your car, okay?"

blush (Anxiety story draft -1. Theo. Honey.)

"Aiden! You left me! You were my snuggle buddy and you left me!" Theo's tone was so aggrieved that Aiden was almost ready to panic a little out of guilt, but when the other pulled away, he was wearing such a bright smile that all his anxiety melted away.

"Don't do that again."

"Okay," Aiden squeaked, feeling a small blush rise on his cheeks, but it was probably hidden by the cold. "But, it probably won't happen, right?"

Theo linked their arms and started to walk back towards Ree's apartment. "You never know. I like sleeping with people.”

circle (Youth story)

“You’re hugging without me? As the number one fan of hugs, this is disappointing.” Daniel’s voice was outraged and it made Nyks giggle. He felt the boy joining the hugging circle, an apple next to pine cones and a bow. “Did I hear something about love, because I am very happy to inform you that I, too, love each of you.”

I have been watching sarah z tell me about homestuck for almost two hours and it’s really illustrating how different my childhood and teen years were a lot of people’s. and not just because I read books rather than found oddball communities online. I don’t think homestuck would’ve been my thing, though power rangers absolutely would have, if I’d found it sooner.

exist, enter(tain), enemy, early and energy(etic) FOR ANYONE, I AM TIRED.

[shimmershae]

My thoughts on Episode 9--No Other Way

As always, placed behind a cut for those of you that would rather escape my babbling, lol.  You’re welcome.  

Okay.  

It took a minute for my app to wake up.  It didn’t get the memo to rise and shine at 4 am like the rest of us--how much do I hate that work has trained my body to wake up at a set time everyday, no matter whether I want to or not, lol--but I guess it served me well in the end so.  

Anywho.  I had a bit of a wait.  Thus, time to think and let my brain get with the program and during this little siesta, I mulled whether my anticipation had ultimately been outweighed or overshadowed by dread thanks to the ongoing OTT celebrations from certain factions of fans.  

Spoiler alert:  turns out I really and truly don’t trust their judgment for shit, never have, and I’m too ready to see our babies to care about their never-ending hate campaign.  10/10 recommend this attitude to everybody.  It saves a whole lotta grief.  

Enough lead in.  Y’all ready?  In 3-2-1.  Shae’s stream of consciousness review coming right at ya.  

Okay, okay.  Maggie’s getting tossed around like a ragdoll by a big, burly NFL linebacker retiree/Reaper while those Angry Birds fireworks spears are screaming past her like missiles.  Cool opening.  Cool.  Whoa.  Is that what they call making a splashy entrance?  Or a dramatic AF exit?  

Well holy shit.  Just when did it change from me rolling my eyes and stifling a groan whenever I see Negan to breathing out a sigh of relief and feeling--I don’t know.  I wouldn’t call it happy exactly but I know at least he’s gonna spice up Maggie’s scenes so there’s that.  I will say though.  I didn’t realize how much I’d missed JDM--big difference, big distinction, what have you--until I saw his scruffy mug so yeah.  We’re gonna admit my crush (lifelong, lol, thanks to Denny, my beloved) is still going strong.  ; ) 

Personally, I think the mere fact Negan hasn’t ditched Elijah and run to save his own hide is earning him some reluctant, perhaps subconscious, definitely unwanted brownie points with Mags.  

I’ve always wanted a secret door to somewhere, lol, so that secret door in the infirmary delighted me much more than it should have.  I blame my love of A Secret Garden as a child.   

Ahhhhh!  I’ve missed the opening credits and the theme song and hearing it and knowing we’re essentially on a countdown to the last time is making me emotional. It really is.  That said, I do still prefer the original opening credits and would love if the show went all “retro” for the finale and had a new “old” version again.  Just to tie things up in a neat little bow of nostalgia.  It’ll never happen but oh how I wish it would.  

That shot of Rosita and Lydia going all Buffy the Vampire Slayer on the stair Walkers was simple but badass.  Love the girl power.  Oh and Dianne lives!  Only to die?  We shall see.  

The fuck do those things want in the basement so bad anyway?  Do Judith and Gracie smell like a couple of walking chicken nuggets to them?  A late night Taco Bell Cravings Box? You’d think they’d be most interested in all the people they keep trying to convince us are upstairs.  

Anyway.  Moving on.  

Yeah, no.  Make that 4 feet of water in the basement make sense.  I’ll wait.  

Jerry!  Aaron!  Oh wow.  My girl Carol looking beautiful as ever!  Listen.  Would I have liked to SEE her working with the superheroine sisters to save the walls?  Hell yeah.  But I’ll take what I can get because I was honestly afraid they were just gonna allude to her whereabouts offscreen after the shoddy treatment our leading lady got in 11A.  

Kelly being so reluctant to leave her sister’s side.  My heart.  I love them.  

Gracie’s whistle!  Aka, the call to the Undead Wild.  But whatever.  Baby girl got some lung power for Daddy Aaron to hear it over the storm.  Or maybe he just got Daddy ears and could hear that whistle anywhere like a dog hearing a dog whistle.  Yet more proof Aaron is half Golden Retriever/half human.  

Carol, Kelly, and Jerry are my kind of trio. I’d follow them anywhere. 

Well.  At least it’s partly cloudy with what looks like a chance of rain later at Meridian, lol.  

Father G--still hobbling to fight another day.  

Daryl--is that what they call a knife to the gut (sorry, lame, I know)?

It’s been so long since I bothered to watch any of the boring Reaper bullshit that I don’t remember if Austin is significant to Daryl’s latest prisoner/fake turncoat arc or not.  Kudos to the Reaper outside that door for dropping that name for me.  Other than asshole Carver, I can’t distinguish one from the other.  

Leah legit sours my throat with bile.  Maybe that’s what Angela Kang was going for.  I don’t know.  Someone forgot to send LCol the memo though.  Or else she immediately deleted it sight unseen for plausible deniability.  Even her voice triggers that upheaval response.  Ugh.  

Side note:  I actually feel bad for these dudes playing Reapers.  Unproblematically excited as far as I know and their story went over like a lead balloon.  

Daddy Aaron to the rescue!  Whoa.  Cool underwater shot with that Walker kill.  He saved our little girls.  Whew.  For a minute there I was worried about Judith.  Insert eyeroll emoji.  Judith handled that situation like a champ.  I was worried for Gracie, full stop, but at least it looks like they decided to spare Aaron.  Well, maybe not.  Oh shit.  

“Worry about yourself first.”  LMAO.  Father Savage is back, y’all.  Reaper priest almost had him. Or did he?  “No oneis above saving?”  Hmm. 

Maggie being chased by Carver like the final girl. Methinks she’s leading him into a trap.  At least I hope so.  

Really though?  A bat? Negan, man.  Choose another weapon.  Anyway. I do love the teamwork but you know that’s gotta be triggering AF.  

“Well.  Ding, ding.”  The way that made me LMAO.  It’s all in JDM’s delivery, y’all.  Think I’m gonna steal that for later.  

Maggie’s reluctant acknowledgment of gratitude to Negan is enough.  I’m tired of the retread dialogue but she owes him nothing she doesn’t want to give.  He gleefully murdered her husband.  The father of their unborn child.  He can keep trying to prove he’s changed but IMHO?  If she doesn’t want to accept it?  She doesn’t have to.  

The Elijah dude really made me feel  his pain over his sister with just his face and no words so kudos.  

C’mon, now.  I thought people were saying Daryl was yelling “Don’t” to Maggie about Leah.  LOL.  I mean, did LCol plant that suggestion to make it look like Daryl actually still give a shit?  

Smart move to use Carver.  Least I think.  We’ll see.  

Listen.  Team Family climbing around like Olympic Champion monkeys this ep. I could never.  Don’t have the arm strength, lol.  I’d be like that squirrel trying to climb that greased pole to the bird feeder.  Y’all know the one. 

Lydia saved Aaron?  My baby girl.  Oh my heart.  Wonder if this will change or move the needle somewhat on my boy’s perception that no Whisperer is worth saving or that they’re all bad?  Lydia saying “You would have done the same for me” truly made me pause because despite knowing his misgivings, knowing the times he hasn’t full on embraced her as family and one of their own, she still believes in his good heart, and it makes me cry for her.  That trust.  I loved the little pause on Aaron’s part before he answered her.  It’s almost like he didn’t realize he actually would and was surprised.  Anyway.  I think Lydia’s finally earned her standing with Aaron as one of the family and I could honestly see him going full protection mode for her in the future.  

Where is Dog in all this chaos?  Gnawing on some milk bones?  I hope he’s warm, dry, and well fed.  Little traitor, lol. 

Yeah, Leah’s a duplicitous bitch.  

Why does this feel like some kind of Western duel or standoff?  

“Nope. No Jenson/Jentzen (sp?) here.”  LMAO.  I do love me some savage ass Father G.  “Call me Gabriel.”  Negan’s face SENT me.  

Fucking go, Maggie.  I loved the dramatic music that accompanied that little piece of deserved and earned brutality.  ;)  Never mind I don’t know who the hell Elijah was talking about because they redshirts.  The world is down a bunch more boring ass Reapers and Negan knows he better toe some kind of line.  

Dammit, Daryl.  You dumbass.  She deserved DEATH not BREATH.  

There my boy Dog magically is.  Thank goodness they didn’t have Leah use him against Daryl in their ugly breakup.  My heart couldn’t have handled it.  

Maggie knows Alden’s dead.  C’mon.  That’s why she went alone.  They finally decided to remember the poor dude. Adam has had so many sets of parents.  Maybe Commonwealth has some kind of support group for that.  

All those crosses.  Ouch.  

Negan ain’t wrong.  Maggie gonna do what Maggie gonna do.  There goes any levity or tension to Maggie’s story, but you know what?  I’m here for it because your girl is TIRED of them having the same scene different verse over and over again.  

Carol looking out and watching for her bae like Daryl did after spending all night on that log with Negan and looking mighty fine doing it, I might add.  Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but did they raid a Cabela’s in between reinforcing walls, putting out fires, and playing lifeguard in the basement?  

Of course her man is the first one she sees.  

Judith running to Uncle Daryl always makes this girl smile.  Sue me.  I’m a sentimental fool.  

Look at Lydia’s happy little face.  

The way Carol almost fell into Daryl’s arms like a wife happy to see her husband home made my heart flutter.  You know she’s keeping her cool in front of the kids.  

Both my girls feeling some kind of way about Negan.  My, how times have  changed.  I wonder.  Will Lydia harbor any future resentment toward Maggie for this?  She didn’t know Glenn so she’s not as closeto the history there.  But she’s been an outsider so she identifies and empathizes with Negan somewhat. Future conflict between the two of them perhaps?  

Look at little RJ.  They keep that cute baby monosyllabic or silent, lol.  

Okay.  I bought Father G’s look at Rosita but girl looked kind of unimpressed, lol.  

How adorable is Coco?

OMFG. That’s what people been declaring canon over?  LMAO.  Whoever called it a Bro Shove was spot on.  All they needed was a basketball and a court and I could have seen them going to shoot some hoops later.  It had that kind of catch up feel.  It was cute.  I’ll give you that.  And it hinted at literally no romantic feelings or implications at all.  Daryl looks like he just got reunited with his sisters.  Y’all.  For real.  Put down the crackpipes if you forecasting marriage proposals because of this.  We good.  

Now the implications of Carol witnessing?  That screams jealous, insecure, disbelieving of her own worth love interest.  But antis gonna anti so of fucking course they see it as Carol shipping them when the truth is she is literally the only person on earth, fictional or real, that honestly and without ulterior motive, ships Daryl with happiness.  

And y’all.  Carol is literally framed between them.  She is 100% the reason why it’s not like that and she just doesn’t realize it.  At this point, the only person, ahem--people, in more willful denial are the shippers of the other ship.  

Stormtroopers on horseback.  Surely our nerd Jerry can appreciate this.  You know he’s a not so closeted Star Wars lover.  Has to be.  

Eugene running ahead saying “we’re all friends” made me giggle, okay.  Josh as Eugene has a very distinct gait/run and it never fails to make me laugh.  

Look.  If Daryl and Connie really were like *that*, realistically, who do you think he’d be standing within arms’ reach of lined up in front of some strange newcomers he for sure doesn’t trust?  Certainly not Carol.  C’mon, people.  Put your thinking caps on.  Shit goes down?  He wants Carol nearby just in case.  I swear.  Some people willfully dense AF.  

6 months later, huh?  I hate Angela’s apparent lady hard on for these time jumps but I do appreciate the idea that Maggie really said fuck slimy Lance Hornsby and his politician’s suit.  

Holy shit.  Daryl in stormtrooper gear demanding Maggie open up the gates of Hilltop.  WTF, lol.  

Who’s Stephen Campbell?  Anybody know?  Some digging is in order.   

So.  Some overall impressions because I figure if you’re still reading at this point, why the hell not?  

I love that shit actually got done.  

Maggie and Aaron were badass.  

Daryl was a dumbass letting Leah live.  Like that time they didn’t end the Governor, I fear this one will come back to bite them in the ass. 

Daryl’s reunion with Carol and the kids was heartwarming and felt like two marrieds that had been through it all a million times before reuniting and it had the right kind of understated flavor, considering they haven’t 100% cleared the air with each other.  

Daryl 100% views Connie as a sister.  Kelly too.  Only Carol and the antis think otherwise and only Carol’s reasons make gd sense.  

Lance is slimy AF.  

Lydia has my heart.  Girl saved a man she felt didn’t 100% have her back as a former Whisperer and Aaron felt small because he’d been wrong not to embrace her wholly.  

Aaron is such a good dad.  

Carol and Negan remain the only two that have the ability to cut through the bullshit and see the larger picture.  Except where Daryl is involved for Carol because her heart and her insecurities are too damn loud.  

Judith, Uncle Daryl scenes, however small?  Continue to warm my heart.  

RJ is literally just there as a peace offering for pissed off R!chonne fans to keep the lid on their rage, IMHO. He’s cute but so far?  A non-factor.  Because the mama that lost Andre so tragically would have never left him.  Ever.  I don’t care how people try to rationalize that OOC behavior to benefit their shipping preference/perspective.  I’ll die on this hill.  M!chonne as a character was done so dirty but I suppose backstage decisions dictated their options and they chose the least sensical one that pandered the most to the ship. They dampened my personal enjoyment in the process.  Here’s hoping they’ll find a way to right the ship in the future.

Father G and Rosita are still so mismatched.  Like I don’t even get the vibe she’s really into him.  More that she looked at the X’s and O’s and decided he best overall benefits Coco and okay, fair.  I don’t understand it but I do.  

Anywho.  I cannot wait for super spy Carol to take the Commonwealth down. 

The rest?  I’ll reserve judgment.  

Here comes Angela’s explanation points, lol.  Let’s see if I learn anything new.  

Nope, nope.  

Although.  It didn’t really hit me how much Maggie’s killing of Carver literally echoed Negan’s killings of Glenn and Abe until I saw the moments back to back so yeah.  Kinda cool but Maggie still has the moral high ground, IMHO. By a hair.  

I’d explain why but this is already a typo ridden thesis so.  

Until next time, lovelies.  

Same time next week.  

[alishasboe]

hi, if anyone would be willing to read this short story for me real quick and tell me how i can improve it or anything i would be most grateful <3333

 i am sending it in tomorrow i think so would be great to get some feedback (i also may have some bad grammar or spelling)  *you can just leave a comment on this post or send me a message on here I'm fine either way

it’s a mystery/crime/fantasy about a woman who joins some fishermen on a boat trip north and um, she’s supposed to be very mysterious... i just wrote the first bit an hour ago and the rest i wrote in like may so :/  *under the cut*

The cold sea breeze washed through her hair like a harsh wintery storm. Her dress, a pale pink sheet that wrapped around her body and hoisted to her neck, fluttered in the wind behind her. The woman looked like a riddle, a poem perhaps. A mystery of beauty, magic and chaos that felt inviting and distant all at once. She glared out at the waves ahead, watching them wash up onto the grimy brown shore, a sight that would dissuade any foreign ships from docking there. The stench of the salt water had been unbearable at first, she was rather used to the finer smells of kitchens and castles, but after last night she had no time to dwell on unfortunate taste in her mouth of rotten fish and salty drinking water. Instead her tanned skin was laden with bruises and dried blood, her hair was thinning and had lost any volume it had once been blessed with, and her face, described by some as the most beautiful in all the lands, was left perfectly pristine as if nothing had ever happened. Her brown eyes were hateful, they were angry. Her body underneath the sheet of pink was almost laid bare with the horrifying crimes that had been done to it. The man who did this to her, how brutal and shallow, she watched him walk the rotting planks of the pier. Her gaze could have burned him alive had she the power.

‘One ticket, please.’  The woman adjusted her dress, pulling it down until his gaze followed.  With a satisfied smile she watched his face redden as their eyes met.

“Where you off to, woman?”  Her eyes danced idly over the scene around them. Fishermen loading their ships, women selling wares on the boardwalk, drunks swaying over the nauseating sea water. Meeting his eyes again, her lips formed a thin line.

‘North,’ she answered.  His darkening gaze was accentuated by his full bushy brow, and his sneering response came by no surprise to her.

‘You have an accent.’  She glared up at him.

‘I’m foreign,’ she said, ‘forgive me for where I was born.’  He rolled his eyes as the men behind him began to unload crates of fish.  The muggy and salty stench of the wharf wafted through the air, she refused to stick her nose up at the smell.  She had tolerated worse.

‘We ain’t going North,’ he told her, ‘find someone else.’  As he began to turn she grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

‘Wait,’ she paused him, ‘I have other payments.’  Reaching into her dress she fished around for the metallic coin.  Bystanders watched her curiously as she presented the round payment piece to the captain.  ‘Platinum. It’s worth twice the gold you make in a month.’  She settled her gaze on him.  ‘Now take me North.’  His brow raised in surprise.  She knew that look.

‘Didn’t think someone like you would pay me so much for a job so small,’ she glared at him, huffing under her breath, but he ignored her, and held the coin up for all his crew to see.  ‘All right, I’ll take you North.’  She pressed her lips together and gave him a nod of thanks.  She was mid stride when he took a hold of her arm. ‘You have a name?’  She gave him a gentle smirk.

‘Yale.’  His mouth curved into a curious frown.

‘Do you have a family name?’  Her eyes darkened.

‘Just Yale.’

The afternoon they set sail Yale refused to go inside the cabin.  It was grimy, stinky and filled with sweaty sneering men.  She hated all those things and more.  Even above deck, Yale had her hair pulled and her dress ripped with calloused fingers brushing her skin whenever she looked the opposite way.  Disgusted, she sat herself by the captain who was more focused on steering the boat North, as she had paid him to.

‘So, you hire these men to do what exactly? Pull rigging and sing songs about beating women?’  Yale stared up at him expectantly.  Her lips were once more in the permanent smirk she wore like a family heirloom.  Treasured, beloved and never to be sold for even the highest price.  The captain swung the large wooden wheel to his left with one hand, and wiped his sweat ridden brow with the other.

‘I’m a freelance fisherman,’ he told her, ‘the men I employ travel on whatever seas I choose and we bring fish to whatever city I choose.  If they’re beatin’ women they’re doing it on their own time.  Not mine.’  She shrugged nonchalantly, her eyes widening.

‘I never said they were beating them, just singing songs about it.’  The entertained smile that planted onto his face was matched easily by Yale.  ‘Do you think I’m funny?’  She asked.

‘I think you’re a stupid foreign girl, from a stupid foreign land.  Who thinks she has more importance than she does.’  Her lips parted in surprise as she began to rise from the seat.

‘You’re a charming man, Captain.  Don’t call my name in your sleep too much tonight, hm.’  She gave him a final look, the skin under her eyes crinkling with cynicism.  The corners of her lips turned into her ever ready smirk, but it was synonymous to a slap across the face.

Yale pursed her lips as a man approached, she readied herself to bite back whatever insult made its way to her ears.

‘Ma’am, would you like to see the fish we caught?’  She turned around to see the source of the voice.  He was no younger than she, and almost as beautiful.

‘No, thank you. I’m busy.’  His eyes darted between her and the ocean.  She stood at the bow of the boat, the afternoon sunlight illuminating her thin cotton dress.  

‘You’re just watching the water,’ he observed, ‘are you sure?’  She turned her head so he could see her face clearly.  With wide eyes she nodded her head slowly until he understood.  Noticing the men around the deck, Yale’s eyes followed them as they ran from job to job, pulling riggings and tending to the buckets of fish.  Her eyes met the Captains as he stood on a higher deck, overwatching the sailors as if they were slaves.  He held her stare with a menacing sneer, she refused to submit and turn away. She caught herself considering the man watching her in

‘Maybe you should get back to work,’ Yale tore her eyes away when the Captain began to come down the deck, ‘sailor.’  He didn’t make a move.

‘Who are you?’  She faced the ocean again, ignoring him.

‘She’s just a whore,’ the Captain responded, ‘ain’t nothing special, boy.’  Yale spun herself back around to find the bitter excuse of a man.

‘Does calling me a whore make you feel better about yourself, Captain?’  Yale playfully called to him as he climbed below deck.  He threw up a lewd gesture before he disappeared below.  She smirked to herself, the corners of her lips crawling up her tanned features.  Her eyes moved to the man ahead, he watched her expectantly. ‘I’m named Shae,’ she told him.

‘But the captain said­–‘

‘Fuck the captain,’ she told him, ‘I’m named Shae.’  His eyes darted around the absent ocean, looking for answers he would never find.

‘Everybody says your name is Yale,’ She tilted her head, her green eyes finding his brown eyes.  She stared over his confused expression. It made her smile.  She found it, dare she say, cute.

‘Good. That’s what I’ve been telling them.’  His lips parted, she watched him attempt to form a sentence.  ‘That way when I slit their throats nobody will know who did it.’  His pretty eyes widened, and she smiled.  ‘I’m joking,’ she assured him, ‘just the captain dies.’  As understanding pooled over his features he relaxed with a small frown.

‘He calls you a whore, that’s so awful.’  She shrugged.

‘It’s only awful if you think a whore is bad, if not it’s just a word.’  In embarrassment his eyes glanced over everywhere but her.

‘I don’t–I don’t think whores are bad.  I’m just… I’m sorry.  I mean…’ he trailed off to a whole new topic.  ‘Why did you want to go North?’ The gleam of joy in her eyes darkened.

‘My business is not your business.  You don’t know me.’  He stood silent a moment as she glared.

‘But I could.’  She took a step forward and came to stand inches from his face as he cowered back.  Her smirk turned to a sneer.

‘If you ask me that again I will carve your eyes from your head.’

While on the water they travelled for eight days and nights. Yale watched from the front of the ship as they approached land on the horizon.  Daylight was just setting in, Yale used a hand to shield her eyes as it cascaded over the mountaintops.  She let out a breath of relief and the warmth of it filled the cold air before fading.  Her gaze danced over the mountains ahead, and the fog that stood like a wall between the water and land.  Taking a step back off the wooden boards she pulled her woollen shawl into a bunch over her shoulders.

‘Quite cold to be out here, don’t you think?’  She turned to see a young man approach her, the same one who called her Shae.  He offered her a piece of bread, it was stale after eight days at sea but she took it anyway.

‘Thank you,’ she said bitterly, the last words she said to him dancing through her memory, ‘and I don’t mind the cold, rather I’m quite used to it.’  He wandered over to stand beside her.  Tearing off a piece of bread, she found it difficult to smell over the sickening sea water around them.  Putting it to her lips, she watched the way he stared over the scene before them.  She followed his gaze to the watch tower left of the horizon, tall, white and made of stone.

‘The mountain range is beautiful,’ he marvelled, a faint smile gracing his face.  Yale looked over the distant snowy hills.

‘You can hardly see it over the fog,’ she smirked, ‘besides, I’ve seen nicer insects under rocks.’  He chuckled, hiding his smile from her.

‘Insects? Over a mountain range? You’re just being dramatic now.’  She offered him a quiet laugh.

‘Perhaps. I am quite funny.’  He was smiling with her.

‘And quite modest, too.’  She felt his eyes on her, blaring into her soul.

‘Did you want something?’  He tensed, alarmed by her stroke of boldness.  She watched him from the corner of her eye.

‘No, just to watch us dock. Maybe make a friend.’  She cackled a laugh, then she walked away without another word.  He remained, tense as he watched her disappear back inside with the rest of the crew.

Once the ship had docked its sailors escaped onto land, but Yale remained behind.  She watched them leave, one after the other, desperately shaking and swaying from days at sea.  Unlike them Yale felt nothing.  She was nothing.  After waiting until the captain was alone in his office below deck, she crept in as his back was turned.  He was filing papers into the wooden cabinet, his greasy hair matted as she watched the back of his head.  Stepping up behind him she cupped his mouth with her left hand and with her right she ran a blade along his throat.  Snickering as he gurgled red bubbles. She leaned around to put her face close.

‘The foreign girl isn’t as stupid as you thought,’ he stared up in horror with wide bulging eyes.  ‘I’ll take my coin back now.’  She let him drop to the ground, bleeding in a puddle at her feet.  Grabbing the coin purse at his belt, she yanked furiously until it broke from the chain.  She smirked at his wide eyes, and his body lying dead on the floor.  ‘Funny, when we first met and you violated me, I picked you for a struggler.  How wrong I was.  You weak, spineless man.’

tagging people who said they would have a look, thank you soooo much:

@letskzuniverse

@mihkaelscn

@itsmymoniker

[vapidsims]

This guy again?

yes im bringing him again 

This time for @shae-sims Casa Amor! 

Name: Caster Lang

Age: 28

Ethnic: Blasian

Personality: Goofball| Exra| Micheivious

Occupation: tech assistant. freelance on the side.

Hobby: fishing

Sign: Gemini

From: Brindleton bay

If you ask anybody who knows him on a surface level they’ll probably say Caster’s one of the funniest most charming dudes they ever met. That he brightens up the room when he walks in, goofing off with the finger guns and all that, makin the jokes! he’ll make an absolute fool of himself tryna get that old man sitting at the bar to chuckle.

Ask somebody who knows him on a more tertiary level and they’ll say…well, hes a bit off. they dont know what it is though, they couldnt possibly begin to explain whats rubbed them the wrong way. and strangely enough, the time they start feeling like that is the same time Caster goes *poof* out of their social lives.

( long text and mommy/daddy issues under the cut)

Lets get educational here, Who is Caster Lang? Hes certainly not gonna tell you.

Ask him about personal stuff, you get roundabout answers. want to pry? you may as well be pulling his teeth.

But hes a great guy so no big deal. Right? Right.

Hes a prankster, he loves jokes, he smiles and laughs, A LOT.  Somebody stole his car? he’ll probably just make a self depricating joke about it and keep on rolling on foot.

he dosnt…seem to care.

He was born to an (initially) happy couple, until just a day after his birth, where his mother decided she didnt love her husband any more. she tried to stick the marriage out, but it fell apart after six more years. A nasty divorce proceeded. And as it turned out after all that. Neither parent wanted their kid.

Then he spent a little too long being bounced from relative to relative until he ended up in foster care anyway. And by the time that happened he was too old to be wanted. He got taken in by an old man who really needed company….And a maid. As soon as he was old enough to mind himself and the old guy had died. Caster bounced off to the other side of the country and left everything/everybody back home in the dust.

Hes the local funnydude. sure. hes got charm. yeah. but on the underside, he likes to be at the center of a trainwreck. He moves quietly… Theres a loose thread hanging off of everybody and hes waiting to pull and watch what unravels. just like what happened with his parents. Dan across the street has a little insecurity that he accidently mentions offhand? you can bet Caster filed that away in his memory to use later. Caster meets Dans wife at the store some months from then? they chat about Dan for a bit. Then the neighbors are whispering. And then the town is whispering…

Its not his fault, the problem was already there, he just…casually made them aware of it…   its a slow burn, it takes time to catch….but man does he love to watch the flames…

And nobody suspects him. Unassuming a$s

Cas and Dan across the street will still be friends for a while. But Dan eventually starts to feel the same strange feeling others get after being exposed to him too long. Caster is used to this, hes a walking,talking, self fulfilling prophecy. Hes a curse that just keeps cursing…. hes up in smoke just like that.

Dude goes into everything prepared for and expecting rejection, he makes it so….why join a show?

He just wants to make people laugh at his funny ass on tv? yes maybe.

Is he there a chance he could actually find somebody who cares about him? hopefully. but he knows not to get his hopes up. he dosent make it easy…

He wants to plant seeds in the background and then watch the absolute sh*tshow  tree that grows out of them? probably.

All of the above? most definitely.

More details:

hes obviously never seen a therapist. hes an expert at self managing. whats that? thats his third cup of iced cream? whatever he’ll work it off.

Hes happy to please. you want him to get those heavy buckets. yes of course! want him to drive across town to get that gourmet cheesecake for you? sure thing! anything else? you can run him ragged.

Kinda into masochism dont @ him

He doesnt sleep as much as any human should. Its not unusual for you to get up at 3am and hes just…standing, in the kitchen, eating more icecream. he’ll say hes got insomnia. the dark circles under his eyes say so too.

He loves cats, and the cats love him. whenever he goes fishing he’d gladly give the scraps to all his adoring strays. They dont promise him anything and then leave, they just do cat things.

tried reaching out to his family a few times while living with the old man and either got short replies or outright “dont talk to me”s

If you’re gonna fite him it better be right there and then cause if you tell him to “meet you in the back of the mountain steak shack a quarter past midnigt on the eve of a full moon” He aint showing up. hes at home watching dr phil.

He does NOT skip leg day. or…overall body day. tries (and mostly fails) to hide that hes ripped.

greens and blues are his favorite colors.

has a hard time dressing himself. he tries hard.

“But what about finding his true love”?

He’d like to. however comma,

Is anyone gonna put up with him once they find out how he is? whom of yall like fixing a broken house? xD

(pls enjoy fixing a broken house, or helping him unpack his issues, buy his therapy)

“What about the prize money”?

save it for a nice place to live and adopt the most unwanted kid he could find and spoil them. (he IS a jerk undercover but this probably says a little something)

He’ll go wherever the wind dropkicks him~