#everybody hide I'm going to have a controversial thought

[isfjmel-phleg]

🤐

[heyidkyay]

And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part One

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way? 

Warnings: This is gonna deal with a lot of controversial shit surrounding Matty and his past I'm ngl, so if you're not into that then I'd suggest not reading this! But if you are, then hi!! I hope you enjoy?

Authors Note: I'm back...:)) Back with a series too, or it will be if this first part goes down well! Lmao so pls don't hate it! Butttt in all honestly, I do have to quickly thank @procrastinatinglikeapro for all the kind words she gave me on the snippets I annoyed her with recently and for forcing me to actually believe in this fic because I very much was on the fence about posting again. So thank youuuu, it means a whole lot<3 Also, the skeleton of this was taken from a very old fic of mine which I started during the height of covid that I've just been thinking about trying to better for a long while now, so... enjoy?

And I guess let me know if this is something anyone would want to read more of? Yeeeeah, I really don't know what else to write here now, it's been a while, so! Hi, help, bye:)

Masterlist

Chapter 1: He's got the whole world falling at his feet

“Yeah, yeah! I’m really into their sound at the minute! Honestly fell in love with their recent performance at the VMA’s– didn’t overdo it and kept it true to themselves. Definitely did a great job there, so well done with that one if you’re listening in, lads!”

I was grinning from ear to ear as I spoke into the microphone before me, which was to be expected whenever I was at work. Strange, yeah I know, but only to any typical person with the usual nine to five, because I truly did love my job. It was tough work, strenuous at times, contrary to what most might believe, but it was pretty much everything I’d ever dreamt of.

See, I’d grown up on the outskirts of this tiny village in the Isles, where everybody knew everything about everybody. Secrets were never well kept– you could just ask our local priest about that one, who often used to regale most of the confessions he’d heard in the only pub around for miles whenever he’d been pissed beyond being able to sit on his barstool. 

It was also incredibly tight-knit, as in, all the kids who went to school together, then grew up and married one another, settling down and taking over the jobs that their parents or grandparents would soon retire from. Hardly anyone moved away, if ever.

In reality though, it was actually just a place I’d always felt like a stranger in. Where I’d struggled to fit in and make friends, to form bonds outside of the one I shared with my mum. 

Which sounds sad speaking about it, but still true, I’d had a real tough go of it back in school. ‘Mouse’ was what they’d seemingly dubbed me back then, a nickname which had travelled throughout the masses all too quickly seeing as there had only been about sixteen kids in both my year and the one above. 

The name had mostly started due to me just having been an extremely timid child, hiding behind my mum’s flowing skirts whenever we went into town and much preferring that of my own company whenever other kids were mulling about. But that fact hadn’t gotten any easier for me once I’d been forced out of school for a few years after an accident that had flipped my entire life on its head. Resulting in me being further isolated from the rest of the world and my fuck-face of a father running for the hills.

Still. Shit happened, I supposed, and I’d been forced to deal with it and grow up.

Too quickly, in truth.

So whilst everyone else had been out living, I’d been holed up in our little dove cottage miles away from them all, with only books and music to keep me company. Music which had been a true constant in my life and just about the only thing that had gotten me by.

As well as my mum, who’d forever be my rock. And back when we’d both been growing up– because that was how it’d always felt with us– she had constantly had the tele on full blast throughout the day, cycling through the freeview channels that played the recent top 50 and old school classics.

It was one of my favourite things to look back on now. Sometimes if she was ever in the mood, or when the power would finally flicker and go out completely when a storm hit, she’d spin this old phonograph her own father had gifted her in the days before she’d left home. The two of us would dance around the living room whilst she would clean on Saturday mornings and then hum to it as we settled in for a long downpour, her working on her trusty crossword whilst I would read or draw. The brass  pavilion would croon out old French records she had bought long before she’d moved to the UK, and before she’d ever even met my father.

And I would just lose myself in it all. 

It wasn’t just the basic premise of music that I had enjoyed though, it was everything else that also came along with it. The opinions, the reviews, the personal stories and thoughts, the way it could make a person think and feel. 

So, for years I would just sit down at the kitchen table and write for hours on end about the sound, the rhythms I’d felt and heard, the lyrics that had had me bellowing out or playing on a never-ending loop in my head. And then, as a teen, Twitter had come along and had been just another way for me to express it all.

It was actually Twitter that had eventually led to all of this. 

The radio.

At first, I’d never paid much mind to all of the people who had started to discover the small page I’d created, the few users that had enjoyed reading my inner thoughts. But then one day I had and it had been an insane concept to comprehend, the very idea that people cared enough to stop and read my thoughts, but it was also what had, ultimately, pushed me into continuing with it.

From there, opinions on genres of music and their style throughout different decades quickly turned into thoughts on up and coming artists, then actors and other A-list celebrities. So I had ended up spending an awful lot of time online, simply just tweeting about it all, on subjects followers had wanted to hear about and answering questions on whether I loved a certain album or this new EP. 

The account had grown rapidly shortly after and by the time I’d had the balls to tell my mum I had wanted to leave home and make a start for myself, in London of all places, the account I used had gained well over fifteen thousand followers.

I went to uni down there and met people. People who didn’t shy away from me or shine a light on my odd quirks. I met my best mate there, too. And Finn was unlike any other. The platonic love of my life, or so I’d since dubbed. He was eccentric, witty, and didn’t care about what anyone else thought of him. Forced me to feel that way too, slowly but surely. And it had only taken a few weeks before he'd grown rather suspicious of my constant need to always have my phone near.

He had, pretty early on, decided that I must’ve had some secret boyfriend back at home that I’d yet to tell him about and had annoyed me about it at every twist and turn, basically backed me into a metaphorical corner. So to say I’d relented fairly quickly wouldn’t be a lie, and I’d told him all about the account soon enough.

Finn had actually been the one to suggest that I take it further, somewhere bigger, make it into something that people could actually tune into and not just read about. I had taken the consideration on board way back then, but had only acted on it when shit had hit the fan a year or so later. But we'll soon get into that.

So with it all, I ended up making an actual radio show out of my thoughtless Twitter account, allowing people to listen in and actually get to know the person behind the name.

That was essentially how ‘Mouse On A Mic' had come to life.

Yup, I’d kept the fucking nickname! I couldn’t not in truth, it was familiar, reminded me of the person I once was, and who I currently am now. But the only difference was, I’d given it a new story. I’d reclaimed it. 

The show's audience grew fairly quickly during that first year, I was new on the scene and seemingly refreshing. I had a no-bullshit kind of attitude that my listeners apparently admired. I called celebs out on their crap and went to new extremes to conjure up inventive ways to get followers involved. 

Ultimately ended up doing things that other radio presenters were too afraid to do at the time. Which was fair enough, in hindsight, they had actual endorsers and brands that were backing them up and funding their streams. Me, on the other hand, I had no-one to answer to for my mistakes or any of the backlash the show received. It was just me, sat alone in my bedroom, speaking into a mic.

Only, a few years had since passed and now it was me sitting in a quaint little studio in East London, not too far from my flat and walking distance from any and every coffee chain that the city had to offer. 

Anyway, I forced myself to adjust my headset over my right ear as I wheeled closer to the table, aware of the one too many monitors and power cables I had to constantly avoid, and glanced upwards, locking eyes with my co-producer, Adi.

The girl shot me a hurried gesture, a circular wave of her hand that had me chuckling to myself even as I silently waved her off, knowing I’d already gotten off track one too many times this recording. 

"Alright! It seems as though we've got to move on with the next segment of the show now! Unfortunately, Ads here has informed me that I can't just sit around all day and talk about Inhaler forever. A right shame that, don’t you think?”

I huffed theatrically whilst Adi merely shook her head in return, dark ringlets brushing the length of her shoulders as she mouthed the word 'prick' through the thick sheet of plexiglass that separated us.

Ignoring that loving endearment in favour of continuing on with the commentary, I hoped I hadn’t steered too far off track seeing as there was still an awful lot scheduled for today's show that I had yet to go over.

“So moving on!” I sighed on into the mic and rubbed my palms together, eyes flitting over the few sheets of paper I had perched before me, “It seems like quite a few of you lot, over on Twitter especially, have made it loudly known that you want to hear my thoughts on Manchester’s very own Matthew Healy. God, is there yet another scandal under his belt I don’t yet know about? Makes me wonder where he’s finding the time.”

I shook my head briefly at the bulleted point I’d been given and rolled forward in my seat. The wheels squeaked beneath my weight and I made a silent prayer that the mics hadn’t picked up the sound. 

What a fucking topic, I thought quietly to myself and sent Adi a semi-amused smile before peering down at the recent headline she had handed over to me earlier that morning.

It was the same old thing. Expected really at this point.

“Healy’s at it again! Whatever will we do?” I gasped, playing up the whole thing as I stared down at a few images of the haughty singer that were plastered across the printout I held in front of me. 

There were four of them, a quick succession of pictures that had all seemingly come from a clip at a recent concert. Bit blurry but the title gave away to what was happening.

A laugh bubbled up out of my throat as soon as I read the headline. “Oh God! It appears Matty Healy is– wait for it!– back at it again, only this time it seems he’s gone and traded off a drumstick for…” I paused to drum quite the anticipating beat against the tabletop of my desk and, as stoic as I possibly could, I then added, “A joint!” 

A smug grin slid its way up onto my lips when I heard Adi’s faint cackle echo from just outside the booth.

“Honestly, I swear that everything this man does makes the rags! Reckon I actually saw an article about how he took his tea this one time. And like, do me a favour, yeah?” I rolled my eyes but relented, “A man of the people though, in’t he? He’s got to be! I mean, just look at this headline. Fucking who the hell writes this shit?”

Tossers, I supposed. But even so.

“It’s madness.” I muttered, gently clucking my tongue as I shook my head at the so-called news that had made the front page. “But anyway, I’m guessing that most people claim him to be the epitome of a real time rockstar, and sure, he might just be. 'Sex, drugs, rock & roll', all that shit. But really, how much longer is it going to last until everything goes tits up, hey?

“I mean, Healy can pretty much do whatever he wants at this point in his career, he’s got half the world either falling at his feet or complaining about him- has done since he was what, a kid? Following his parents amongst the shadows of their fame before he eventually stepped out and made an actual name for himself. Saying that, it still is insane to see how much he’s changed!”

And it was. Healy and his band had risen to fame so evidently, their music everywhere, they sold out shows constantly and had the privilege to fly across the globe doing whatever they pleased. But they’d also practically grown up in the limelight, Matty especially. So it was hard not to notice the resounding changes that shone through in all the news and gossip that ran riot.

“But, if I am being truthful.” I went on to say, thumb toying with the page’s sharp edge, “And when am I not? I thought that most of the shit that went around about him at first was a load of crap– publicity of sorts, if you get where I'm going with that. Or maybe just him being an idiot, a young lad who’s had to grow up with all these cameras consistently on him and had to basically learn what he can and can’t say in front of them. Slipping up from time to time, like most do. But, now? I’m honestly not too sure… It’s just a bit sad. Isn't it? There was so much potential there.”

I shrugged, a hearty sigh falling with my shoulders.

“I actually used to quite like his stuff a couple years ago, he’s got a way with words, with music overall really. Reckon if he’d gotten his shit together that he probably could’ve been ranked higher up on the list of rockstars. Could’ve changed or paved a way for newer musicians entering the scene. But not so much anymore. His songs lack the passion they once had, they’re not what they used to be. He works hard, I’ll give him that. Still, I can’t help but wonder if it’s just his band pulling his dead weight along with them now.”

I took a slow breath, then gazed down at the small amount of sticky notes I had pinned to the monitor beside me: the next segment. I’d have to wrap this one up quickly.

“Maybe that’s a bit harsh.” I said, chewing on my lower lip, “But honestly, I just hope that he takes an actual break sooner rather than later. The band looks spent and he just seems like he could do with some shut eye, some time away from all the cameras and prying eyes. Just so he can sort himself out good and proper, you know? Then again, that’s just my opinion among a sea of many.”

In truth, I really did think that Matty had real talent, that raw kind, and he seemed like a nice enough guy– or at least he had done, a couple of years back, before all the controversy and whatever else. 

Now though, the man just seemed so caught up in it all, in the fame, the tabloids, the drama. Unaware of just how far he’d fallen.

Me, I’d seen it one too many times before, with many of the greats even, and as painful as it was to watch, what more could I say or do? I'm nobody in comparison.

I blew out a short breath.

“Fuck, that got all serious didn’t it?” I tried to laugh it all off and only felt a little more at ease when I finally glanced up and caught Adi’s sincere smile, “Anyway, onto our next segment, reading a couple of your lots tweets! Let's see what everyone's saying about our amazing Adi today, shall we? What was it last week, Ads, those yellow trousers you were wearing?”

--

“Oi, will you two please stop mucking about? We’ve got to get going!” I scolded without any actual heat, shaking my head as I held back a chuckle, forever amused by the infamous pair stood a way away from me. 

I’d not long since left the studio, having walked with Adi to the nearby tube station so that she could hop a train home before I had headed on over to Finn’s. It was a typical route for me and not too long of a walk, but since arriving I’d been roped into packing up the many belongings that had been messily upended from the Spiderman backpack I was so often seen carrying about.

My gaze skittered over to the other side of the room once I’d teethed together the bag’s plastic zipper, over to where my son, Teddy, was currently in the midst of being whirled around by his godfather, tawny coloured curls flying in every-which direction whilst his cheeky grin grew even more prominent.

I felt the corners of my mouth lift upwards as I watched my best mate laugh at whatever it was the toddler had just said to him, tickling the boy’s sides as he did. If I was feeling incredibly sappy, I’d tell Finn then just how thankful I was to have him around, because he truly was incredible. 

From the moment I’d found out that I was pregnant, Finn had been there for me. He loved my son almost as though Teddy was his own, he adored the kid like no other and had placed him on a pedestal high above everyone else since the day he was born. 

Finn was always free to take Teddy whenever I had the show to fret about too, or if I was ever in dire need of another helping hand. He was fiercely protective of the two of us and I knew in the very depths of my heart that there would never be a hair harmed on my son’s head so long as he was around. 

I was pulled from my thoughts just as the toddler in question came bounding over, giggling uncontrollably as Finn chased after him, his arms stretched out wide and crouched down low to mimic the small boy's height. I couldn't help but notice the matching grins they both wore.

“Help!” Teddy squealed as he flung himself into my awaiting arms, allowing me to wrap him up and settle him safely on my hip, using my frame as a shield to block him from Finn’s view.

"You can't hide from me Teds, I’ll always find you!" Finn taunted playfully, laughing merrily whilst he wiggled his fingers at Teddy, who was only just peeking out at him from over my shoulder.

Teddy squirmed in my grasp, giggling and screaming senselessly as he tried to dodge Finn’s oncoming hands that had since managed to softly graze his sides. I could only roll his eyes in fond exasperation, the pair never failing to brighten my day, and couldn't help but feel ever so grateful for whatever being had brought Finn into both mine and Teddy’s lives.

You see, Finn was the closest thing I’d ever had to a brother, let alone a best friend. He’d been the family I’d never known I’d needed, a home away from home. And I knew that I could always count on him for just about anything and he had proved that the day I’d turned up on his doorstep in the pissing rain one Tuesday night, utterly terrified after having just found out that I was expecting. 

“Alright, you lot!” I began, batting away one of Finn’s advancing hands as he made to grab at Teddy's tiny ankle. “We've got to get home in time for your bath and tea, and I think Finn here has to pick up Liv from work.”

I was directing my voice towards the toddler in my arms but also sent a knowing look Finn’s way, one which caused the man’s eyes to widen in immediate realisation. ‘Liv’ was actually the lovely Olivia, Finn’s newest fling– only she had managed to last quite a while longer than the rest, a new record for him really. 

“Shit, yeah.” Finn muttered mostly to himself before he hurried on over to his desk in the far corner. I could only laugh quietly, Teddy joining in too when he noticed, and watched on as Finn hastily started to grab at an array of items, shoving them into his jean pockets. Phone. Wallet. Keys.

When he was finished, and somewhat out of breath, Finn spun back around towards us and shot an accusing brow our way, not too pleased about having been the source of our mirth. Teddy and I couldn't help ourselves then and laughed a little harder at his impervious expression. 

But with that all done and over with, I simply pressed my nose against the side of Teddy's head and smiled contently into his curls whilst Finn merely rolled his eyes at the two of us, chuckling before he made a start for the door. I followed just behind him, Teddy's backpack slung low over my shoulder and a happy little boy nestled in my arms.

***

People lover @/user1 Imagine being a mediocre radio host and thinking you know the ins and outs of the music industry.. #CancelMouse

102 @/user2  Don't mind me, reckon I just found my new favourite radio show:)

Ugh! @/user3 Mouse sounded proper excited today but switched up so quick when that 75 bloke came up://

Soloveme @/user4 Hate to see people supporting toxic behaviour, sit down. 

Milk @/user5 Don’t hate me, I'll forever be a matty girlie!! But @Mouseonamic I kinda agree??

Paris @/user6 Do you think he’s seen it yet? > Too_shy @/user7 Probably, it’s trending rn >> Drummepls @/user8 Hope he’s okay and doesn’t take it as a personal attack.. 

He should’ve known really.

He should’ve fucking known.

Even in his drunken state he should have known not to look at what they were all fucking saying about him. Slumped on the floor of his hotel room, propped up against the bathroom door, too exhausted to think about moving, let alone try.

He’d only heard a small snippet, caught the last of a conversation on it in a cab ride back from the club the band had found themselves in. But he had heard it, and he had listened. 

"He's got the whole world falling at his feet." He fucking wished. "Changed." Too right. "A load of crap- publicity of sorts, if you get where I'm going with that- but now I'm not too sure." Laughable, man. "It's just a bit sad." The story of his fucking life. "Potential." When’s he never not disappointing someone? "Lacks passion." Passion lies in living, mate, and he hasn't felt alive in a very long time. 

"Not what it used to be." Who he used to be.

He lit another cigarette from a crumpled pack he’d pulled from his back pocket and watched on as a curl of smoke unfurled in the air. He only wished he’d gone and brought something upstairs with him, or grabbed one of them little bottles from the minibar before he had decided he’d needed a piss. But if he closed his eyes hard enough he could imagine it all going dark, the world just fading around him, and the cigarette was suddenly enough.

Though, even then he still couldn’t quite muffle the loud, pitying laugh that escaped him as he continued to scroll through the mass of tweets that never faltered on his phone. They were like a freight train, unable to stop.

Matty wiped his nose on his sleeve.

Never had he ever felt so fucking lost. Desperate for everything to just pause for a simple second. To stop and just leave him alone for a bit. To have the world let him wallow in the dark dank pit he's hollowed out for himself.

But what a fucking life, hey?

Carelessly, Matty thumbed across the dimming screen, his intoxicated mind too focused on the task at hand to remember why exactly it was he was even sitting there on the cold bathroom floor. Something to do with Hann, he supposed, or George. Perhaps another heated encounter? Probably.

The sound of his phone's keyboard echoed off the surrounding walls and he breathed out a self-depreciating chuckle when he clicked send on the tweet he’d been attempting to curate, not caring enough for the consequences. Hardly even thinking, in truth. 

He was far too gone to care anymore, already knew firsthand what the repercussions would be tomorrow. But at that moment, he just wanted honesty. To tell the truth, for once. To let them all know that he knew he was a shit excuse for a person.

What more could the world possibly say anyway? 

Everyone around him was the same. He was simply just a puppet on a string. They’d make him sing and dance until the day he finally wrapped those wired strings tightly around his neck, and then all they'd be able to do is sit back and watch the show. And he'd enjoy every unabating second of it.

Matty @/trumanblack 10s ago Radio shows are sick man, gotta love them! And I sort of am sad haha. And I do lie? We all lie, I spose. But just listen to the radio, kids! Open your ears!

He laughed silently after, thoroughly amused with himself, and tossed the phone off somewhere off to the side so that he wouldn’t have to look at it again. 

Bullshit. It was all just fucking bullshit.

[leashade]

Alright, this will be a long one. And for some people it's likely to be seen as a somewhat controversial take.

Here's a disclaimer:

Some things (or specific words) are very risky to say and may lead to various consequences. Considering my position right now, I don't want to risk any more than I have. I am a coward, but I already have problems because of my world view, and I have people depending on me. So I won't use some words or talk about certain things -- partly to avoid it being indexed by search engines and traffic filters.

My personal blogs aren't intended to be a subject of mass attention. I'm not against anybody sharing my point further, but it might bring some unwanted attention to my words.

This text might be somewhat chaotic, or it might feel emotionless. It took me a while to get all my thoughts in one place, but to be completely honest, it's hard for me to talk about what's happening, without getting very upset about it. So it takes a lot of effort to make some kind of coherent text out of it all.

Hope for your understanding. Now, let's get to the point.

I already wrote a lot of my thoughts on the situation in the nearby country. And nothing changed since then, really. Everybody is more depressed, savage and angry, but aside from that nothing changed. So if you want to know how I feel about it — check this page. https://spectral.gg/ukraine_2022

There are some things I wanted to point out however. One major point here being the support for special operation.

While many people say "we know the difference between the nation and the government", for many the line is not as clear. And as a result some people get to this "Russian = Fascist" or "Russians are warmongers" conclusion. I am against the special operation. Or any violence for that matter. And I'm not in the minority, not in the slightest.

One thing that's commonly brought up online is "70-80% of Russians support the special operation". I wrote that it's not true back in my statement (link above). Since then there were many more debunks of this number. NFKRZ had a great explanation in English: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_uQCNjIHeqU This link is also useful (even though it's outdated): https://www.dorussianswantwar.com/en

There were also many sources, researches and explanations of this topic in the Russian segment of the internet. Basically:

70-80% support is ВЦИОМ's numbers. It's research center owned by state. It's propaganda. They do it to create this illusion of mass support.

Independent researches show a different picture, because they show more data to begin with. While some still show 70% support, there are also a very high deny rate (80-95%), meaning many people refuse to answer, likely out of fear.

And if you are going to look at dynamics, deny rate and changes in %s when asked different questions, you basically get something like this: 45-55% are against special operation in any form, 25-30% have not yet decided, 30-15% support it.

30% is still a lot, but it's not even nearly a majority.

And there are four things going on.

1st: People are afraid. It's very easy to get punished for ANY WRONG WORD: starting with losing your job, kicked out from university, ending with 15 years in prison. Anybody who is not afraid to speak up is already seen as a hero. Many people just hide their real sentiment.

2nd: This 70% propaganda. Anti-special operation people think they are in the minority. And they either try to adapt or leave. Or accept this new reality.

3rd: Propaganda machine works hard. People don't know what's happening during the special operation, many don't even know it's happening (as weird as it might sound). And it's very hard to show the reality. And when people get to the information on what's happening, they are afraid, They don't want to believe it's real. They don't support it, but try to convince themselves it's all a lie.

4th: This 70% propaganda + sanctions + hostile actions against Russians (which are exaggerated by the state propaganda) make people more depressed. They think that there is no way to go, that the collective world won't accept us anyway. They accept this and start supporting the special operation as they think that it's better to at least live here than lose anything without a way out.

And these points are very important. Recently I saw a point from a certain EEU Dota personality, criticizing Navalny's point about ads. N said, it's more efficient to NOT disable ads on YouTube (for example) and instead of spending more on weapons, it's better to spend the money on ads in the Russian region — anti-special operation ads, to be exact. The dota person said "This shows that our hate for Russians is not enough".

Both of the points are kind of taken to the extreme, but I tend to agree more with Navalny on this. As more people know about what's happening, what's REALLY happening in the world, they will be ready to speak up. Isolation and hostility only make things worse. I understand why it happens, but I still think it's counter productive.

I believe it's pointless to add the flag and the hashtag to my Twitter bio and nickname. Yes, it would show my support publicly, yada yada yada, but in many cases these "signs" don't mean jack shit. I would rather spread important information and donate, this is more important and helpful.

And I would also like to point out a very important thing: limiting access to services, information and technologies is practically helping P_t_n in this special operation.

I already explained the information part. And the tech part can be seen here: https://toxic-repos.ru/

Some cases are to be expected: a payment system that stopped working, an american company that can't offer services. What's not (and it's compromising both OpenSource and teams aimed to help with spreading the truth or collecting data on the special operation) is putting malicious code or removing it, or blocking access to open technologies by IP.

One situation that shows exactly why it's dumb: a group that was collecting information on special operationcrimes lost all the data they've collected. Because of this kind of malicious code put in the repository. Just because the server had Belarussian IP address.

The intentions might be good, sure. But the result only benefits P_t_n. Nothing more.

I also read (and got something like that sent to me directly) things like "Russians who don't support special operation are still liars, they are just doing it because they are afraid for their money and wealth, they are all hipocrites, they want to evade their responsibility".

And let me just tell you: this is some bullshit.

From the regime's perspective, showing your support for the subject of special operation is more risky than not supporting it. You might lose way more by doing that. That's the first thing.

Second is about my personal opinion. I was a pacifist my whole life. I was against any kind of special operation before, I am now. As you might have guessed, most people I've met (online or in different cities, while travelling through Russia and Ukraine) were the same. My generation (as well as two previous generations) are terrified of special operation. Well, the majority of people anyway. The main reason why the P_t_n came to power is he offered stability and promised to stop all the conflicts. So you might imagine how the majority of people feels about all this mess.

Third. The Collective Responsibility.

I don't believe in the collective guilt, this is just a dumb idea. And I don't believe that collective responsibility in a sense that "all Russians should go to labor camps because of the special operation", as some people said. That's just stupid, too.

But I believe in the idea of collective responsibility in a sense that we all, as a nation and as a government, have to pay for what happened. At least a some sort of compensation, to rebuild the destroyed cities and to maybe restore the connections lost. Sadly, it will never be the same.

Since the special operation started some of my friends were forced to move to another country. Some lost their homes. Some were missing for weeks, some still are. I can't contact some of my relatives anymore.

For me personally things changed much less, since I am not dependent on the government or CIS/EEU segment as much. And I also took measures to get ready to the biggest economical consequences. For me it also means that everything I was trying to create — for EEU dota, for the community and for myself — will lose all its meaning. Well, it's already happening. Just a couple of months before I was hoping for a bright future ahead, with possibilities to work with other international talents on other events. Now, if I'm being honest, I doubt that will ever happen now. I still hope, but I don't believe something good is going to happen. But that's just how it is, I guess.

[lizhly-writes]

not sure if you do prompts? but if yes, then Kyrgios and Dokja interacting in the new game plus au. or just like your thoughts on what would happen.

Hi there. First of all, yes I absolutely do prompts, prompts are always welcome, I love when people talk to me. And now, a disclaimer: I have not read the novel in two years. My memories are a wee bit fuzzy and held together with headcanons. So you're getting more of a rambling than a story, because man! I don't remember how Kyrgios talks.

That said: I totally think Kyrgios would kick Kim Dokja in the back of the head.

Around this time, Kim Dokja is coming to terms with the fact that some real weird time travel shit happened, and apparently in the near future, he becomes super famous and controversial and look, just everybody fucking knows him. He's got new weird skills that he can't even check because he can only sometimes bring up his Attributes Window (thanks, Fourth Wall), so as far as he knows, they just randomly pop up out of nowhere when he needs them to fucking wreck someone. That's a Deus Ex Machina! There's no foreshadowing! This is a terribly written power fantasy, you know?

And then, again, there are people that just know him? They pop up sometimes and just start talking at him. Expecting things of him. It's a weird shiny mirror of his childhood -- people thinking they know him, because of a story he never constructed.

Well. Doesn't remember constructing, anyway.

AND THEN Kyrgios appears out of nowhere and kicks Kim Dokja in the back of his head.

Because hey! That's his stupid fucking disciple. Kyrgios wakes up in this brand new timeline and his last memory is of Kim Dokja doing something stupid and courting death and Kyrgios is going to beat that out of him if it fucking kills him (not really tho. Killing Kim Dokja would ruin the point).

Dude is a transcendent. He doesn't run on Star Stream rules. Scenarios? Feh. Like he's going to stick around for those? Kyrgios peaces out of Peaceland or wherever the hell he's hiding and meets KDJC entirely too early.

So Kim Dokja is sprawled on the ground (again: kicked in the back of the head, fucking ow) and there's this tiny blue man just ranting at him and calling him a fucking idiot and an absolutely abysmal disciple and what did you think you were doing.

"Who the fuck are you," Kim Dokja doesn't say, facedown on the ground. He doesn't convey this sentiment, but that is absolutely his first thought. Then his big, WoS filled mind breaks it down. Analyzes it. He knows who this tiny blue man is supposed to be. He thinks, with some exasperation, who didn't his weird future self meet.

"Master," Kim Dokja says, because that's the vibe he's getting here.

"Who are you calling master, you dumbfuck disciple," Kyrgios doesn't say, because I'm pretty sure those aren't words he would use, but the sentiment would be conveyed. "You are the worst student," is what he probably does say.

Now is probably the time that Kim Dokja mentions that he doesn't know shit. Kyrgios says, "Of course you don't."

The fire goes out of him, maybe, a little. Because you totally can beat the shit out of someone who hasn't yet committed the crimes you want to beat the shit out of them for, but. It's not the same.

Maybe it even hurts a little. This Kim Dokja doesn't remember their history together. Doesn't remember being a scamming scammer who scams (and no. Kyrgios does not think that affectionately. That's what he's telling himself, anyway!).

Kyrgios decides to, instead, go for a training montage, because hey! How can Kyrgios even call himself a master if this disciple of his doesn't even remember getting trained?

No, Kim Dokja does not have a choice in this matter.

Yes, Kim Dokja kinda gets beat up. But hey! This time, it's for training purposes.

"You. Are. The. Worst. Student," Kim Dokja hears, like. A lot.

But it's out of love. It's anger born of worry. Kyrgios, under that stern, prickly, and kind of violent exterior, has a soft, squishy heart that wants his dear, stupid disciple to actually survive the trials that he comes up against. That matters. Kim Dokja gets it, even though he doesn't really like, get, why Kyrgios cares about him specifically.

Good job, Kim Dokja. You've leveled up your understanding of this character.

[The exclusive skill ‘Bookmark’ is activated.]

[delightfullyatomicfest]

John and Yoko interview with Melody Maker pt 2

MELODY MAKER DECEMBER 13 1969- 

JOHN LENNON’S “PEACE Crusade” inspires a variety of emotions in people. Sadly, few of those emotions are worthy ones. John and Yoko have been mercilessly lampooned and vilified by the public and the mass media, and a great proportion of this reaction has been thoughtless and hurtful. 

It would surely have been enough to make any lesser man, whose heart was not in his cause, retire from the field to a more comfortable, less publicised existence. But not the Lennons. 

They have kept up their output of peaceful propaganda in the face of a ceaseless barrage of insults, and the time will surely come when even their most jaundiced and gout-ridden detractors will realise their essential honesty, and their right to exercise it in the way they most see fit. 

But like it or not, John Lennon and his lovely wife are in the process of becoming leaders in the public eye. They stand for a cause, and as public figures they can be held responsible for the failings and excesses of that cause. 

This is not how they want it. Leadership in any form is the last cloak which Lennon wishes to put on, as he told me. 

“I’m not falling for that one. Like Peter Seeger said, we don't have a leader but we have a song -‘Give Peace A Chance'. So I refuse to be leader, and I'll always showmy genitals or do something which prevents me from being Martin Luther King or Ghandi and getting killed. Because that’s what happens to leaders. Our whole mistake is having leaders and people we can rely on or point a finger at.” 

Yoko, as always at John's side, chipped in: “For instance, many people say if you want to do that kind of thing, about peace, don't do anything that is misleading like showing your genitals. Always keep a clean image so that people can believe in your peace movement. 

“But that's exactly what the establishment is doing (“And that's what the Beatles did too” - John) , taking their children to church on Sundays. 

This is showing that, ‘I'm the President of the United States and I'm alright and I'm healthy and very moral et cetera.' You don't get anywhere that way-you become just another hypocrite, and you're playing the establishment game. We don’t want to do that. We try to be honest and the point is, if we are really honest, just to make it between us is a lifetime thing, and if we can't make it together and endure each other, the world is nowhere. 

“If ordinary couples can make it together and make it with their children and so forth, love-wise (“She doesn't mean ‘make it' as you ‘lay"’ - John) , then you can look after the world.” 

John continued, “One thing we've found out is that love is a great gift, like a precious flower or something. You have to feed it and look after it, and it has storms to go through and snow, but you have to protect it. It's like a pet cat. You know, people get a cat and they don't want to feed it, or they get a dog and they don't want to walk it. But love has to be nurtured like a very sensitive animal, because that's what it is. 

“And you have to work at love; you don't just sit round with it and it doesn't just do it for you. You’ve got to be very careful with it; it’s the most delicate thingyou can be given. It's a very delicate situation.” 

What will John and Yoko do about Vietnam and Biafra, which John mentioned in the letter that accompanied his MBE back to the Queen? 

“We'll keep promoting peace in the way we do, which, whichever way you look at it, is our way, because we're artists and not politicians. We don't organise; we do itin the best way we know how, to make people aware that, if they want war to stop, only they can do it. 

“The politicians can’t do it. I think our whole movement is successful, as shown by Nixon, who's having to wriggle around a bit now and make propaganda films about the Moratorium claiming that the ‘silent majority' is with him, with a highly polished Negro in an Italian suit 

saying how great it is to be American. Nixon has been moved by the peace movement - that includes John and Yoko and all the people in the world who are doing it, and that’s how we're going to change it. We’re not going to Vietnam to die for it or going to Biafra to die for it. We’ve considered everything, not dying but going to the places. 

“People prefer a dead saint to a living annoyance like John and Yoko. But we don’t intend to be dead saints for people’s convenience. They prefer Ghandi and Martin Luther King since they died, but you should see them in India now, celebrating Ghandi Year - anything less like Ghandi's principles going on in India you’ve never seen. It’s a hoax. And so we don't intend to be dead saints - or living saints either. People don't like saints.” 

Their highly unusual Wedding Album has caused its share of controversy. Why did they make it? 

Yoko: “It's like a diary, it reflects our love and peace ideas.” 

John: “When people get married they usually make their own wedding albums. We're public personalities and I'd enjoy reading Jackie and Onassis' album. Our wedding was public, we were sharing our diaries and our feelings with the world. So one side shows our involvement with each other, and the other side shows what we do together outside of our involvement with each other, which is promote peace.” 

Isn't there a danger that the diary of Yoko and John will become too public? 

“We have nothing to hide. ‘ Everybody's got something to hide except for me and my monkey 9 , you know? We keep certain parts of our life private because we’re not as wild as people think. I doubt if we'll ever make love in public, or invite the TV cameras into our bedroom, and I doubt if I’ll ever go to the toilet in public. Just because I think some things, I don���t want to show that side of me.” 

Yoko: “We’re from a certain generation, you can’t deny that, and for people in our generation it is so difficult, and maybe the next John and Yoko will...” 

“Show all,” said John. “Maybe we will before we die. People hide themselves from each other all the time, and everybody’s frightened of saying something nice about somebody in case they don’t say anything nice back, or in case they get hurt, or of looking at somebody in case they say, ‘What are you looking at? ’ 

“Everybody’s so uptight and they’re always building these walls around themselves. All you can do is try and break the walls down and show that there’s nothing there but PEOPLE . It’s just like looking in the mirror, there’s nothing to worry about- it’s only people.” 

Yoko : “And even we are not relaxed enough as people. We have many complexities and tensions. We try hard to be honest and expose ourselves, but there are certain things that we just can’t. . . Maybe in the next generation they can, good luck to them. We’re trying hard as we are” 

John has always tried to carry out his philosophies and campaigns in a sense of fun. Are they, as some cynics suggest, in fact taking the mickey? 

“That’s true, although we’re not taking the mickey. Everybody’s frightened of being conned, of being tricked. If you say something nice to somebody they ’re not sure if you mean it, so that rather than respond to your loving movement they’ll rej ect you, and that’s what the press do . 

Because they’re frightened of what we did with the MBE about the Biafra thing, they’ll write about my Auntie Mimi’s reaction to me giving the MBE back, because they don’t want to fall for the con of ‘Is he joking? ’ 

“Of course we’re joking as well. We mustn’t take ourselves too seriously, otherwise it’s the end. We think the mistake of everyone - Ghandi and Martin Luther King AND the left wing AND the students and all society - is taking it too seriously. If you take it seriously, it IS serious. What we try and do is be non-serious about things, but we are very serious about being not serious.” 

Yoko : “We maybe too serious, even. We try to have a sense of humour and we try to smile at everyone a really genuine smile from the bottom of our hearts. But it’s very difficult for our generation to really genuinely smile, but we’re trying.” 

John: “It’s like when I sent the MBE back, and I wrote that it was against Britain’s involvement in Biafra and Vietnam and against ‘Cold Turkey’ slipping down the charts. When we thought of that we were screaming with laughter, and so a few snobs and hypocrites got very upset about mentioning ‘Cold Turkey’ with the problem of Biafra and Vietnam, but that saved it from being too serious and being another colonel protesting! You have to try and do every thing with humour, and keep smiling.” 

Richard Williams 

[argueably-pretty-rad]

My Opinion: Feminism

Now, before anyone takes a good hard look at this post, know that I am a girl. I am not speaking about people I don't understand. If you take offense to this, that's perfectly fine; block me and leave my page forever, I really don't care. I'm just voicing my thoughts in a nonviolent way, and don't need any negative feedback. With that said, read if you'd like.

I got the idea to make this post when I watched a YouTube video a little while ago. Many have probably seen it as it came out back in 2016. I'd watched the video before, but seeing it again made me so mad that I just had to talk about it. It's called "36 Stupid Feminist Questions Answered," and it's by the user Dr Shaym. If you haven't seen it already, I suggest you do so now.

Now, I already hate BuzzFeed with a burning passion, but this is their worst video yet. They really give feminists such a bad name. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not a feminist. In fact, I used to hate feminists, mainly because people like the women in the video are the ones who get talked about the most. Now they are truly feminists. They seem to want nothing more than to be above men. They generalize constantly, looking at a few bad people that happen to have dicks, and decide that everybody that ever had a dick except maybe their dad or a gay best friend is a shitface. All men are assholes, men think they're so much better than us, my boyfriend doesn't understand me, blah blah blah.

No, I consider myself to be a gender equalist. Anybody can do anything, whether that's good or bad. A girl can beat the shit out of a guy and force him to have sex with her, just the same as a guy can be understanding of women and love rom-coms. You've gotta understand that, while it may not be as likely, things go both ways.

Let me bring up a scenario that shows how many holes and contradictions are in those feminists' questions in the video. A few of the sexist questions these women brought up were along the lines of:

Why do men feel like they can't show their emotions?

Why do you feel the need to prove your masculinity to women?

Why are women seen as the weaker sex?

Why is it your first instinct to doubt women who claim to have been raped?

Now, before I build this scenario, let me bring up a great point that Dr Shaym brought up:

"Men are socially conditioned from the day we learn to talk to not express our feelings. We are brought up constantly being told to man up and that boys don't cry. We don't have the privilege of showing our emotions because if we do, it is seen as a sign of weakness. To put it simply, us men are programmed to believe our own feelings are invalid, and so we hide them and we lie about them. We are raised to expect that if we tell you our feelings, you will shoot them down. You will tell us we're wrong for feeling the way we do, and even if you don't, we still don't want to tell you our feelings because we fear you will use them against us."

Now imagine this: You, as a boy, are forced to do something sexual with a girl you don't want to be with. You cry about it, as anyone would, alone and afraid. When you try to tell someone, perhaps your best friend, you're laughed at. "Dude, how did you let a girl pin you down? How weak can you be?" You, believing you should conform with your friends like every other person, decide to "man up" and swallow all of your feelings. The girl, seeing that she hasn't suffered any repercussions, goes after you again. You, being scared and frustrated, attempt to push her off. When she doesn't relent, you have no choice but to use self defense. She's angry and has a bruise on her face, and now has very good evidence that you have raped her and hit her in the process. She accuses you as such, and you are sent to prison. Your friends and family are disgusted, no one believes you, you have charges for things you never did. Your rapist roams free, likely doing the same to other men. You cry, as anyone would when their life is ruined.

Now tell me what you've learned from this scenario, because we all know for a fact that the women in that video would've supported the rapist without question. No one questioned that this girl might've done wrong. There was evidence, but no one tried to rearrange the story to fit it properly. This scenario, or something very similar to it, has likely happened already. If it hasn't, then it surely will soon.

The next order of business is one of the most popular things I've heard come out of a feminist's mouth, and every time I hear it I absolutely want to strangle whoever said it: WhY Do MEn tHinK ThEy'RE tHe StRoNGeR GeNDeR?

Because lady, whether you like it or not, men scientifically are proven to be stronger than women. Please take a good hard look at these statistics and educate yourself.

In case you didn't have common sense like the feminists in the video, muscle is what gives you strength. There are obviously exceptions, but ON AVERAGE, men are stronger than women, and that goes for every section on that table.

Onto the very much talked about wages gap. As mentioned in the video, it's not as though the gap doesn't exist. The thing is though, it's technically woman's fault it exists. Allow me the bring up another very valid quote from Dr Shaym:

"The observed wage Gap is based on comparing the average income of men to the average income of women without considering any variables. Sometimes when the wage Gap is brought up they add in that women get paid less for the same jobs, but that's horseshit. Asking why women get paid less than men is like asking why why men are more likely to die in the workplace than women: it's because men and women tend to work different jobs, and just like some jobs are more dangerous than others, some jobs pay more than others, and since men tend to work higher-paying jobs, such as those in STEM fields, men tend to make more money. And even when you are comparing men and women working the same jobs, there are things which factor into why men get paid more such as the fact that men are more likely to work overtime, are more likely to ask for raises or promotions, are less likely to take time off, are more competitive, are more likely to take risks, prioritize earnings more than women, retire at a later age, and all these other things which studies have found."

Dr Shaym goes on to make more reasonable points as to why the wage gap exists, but this excerpt from the video is more than enough to prove that this point that many feminists bring up is unreasonable and uneducated.

Final thoughts: I'm all for equal rights and such, but the way feminists antagonize men is not okay, and I wanted to voice that. I know this is a pretty controversial rant for a first post, but I just wrote what came to me.

Anyway, I'm pretty positive you can gauge my views on feminism by now, and I think I've done well enough for the post. I highly recommend watching Dr Shaym's video, and thank you for reading if you've gotten this far. I mean no harm in this post, and only wish to state an opinion.

[yuseirra]

Hello, can I actually add my opinions on the dub for DRV3? I'm not that big on english dubs either (I don't hate it though, I'm pretty much okay with them) but I feel like people make fun of them too much. Sometimes I just feel bad for the VAs because it's not exactly their fault. I heard from one VA before, saying that how they pronounce things and everything isn't really up to them but from the company, I think even Naegi's english VA once said the same thing about it so...(cont)

I'm not saying that people should like it, but at least try not to judge it based on just one trailer (Also, I'm not saying that you should feel bad about it;;) At least if you want to make fun of the dub, wait until the release of the game. This is honestly why I'm always afraid everytime a game gets an english dub. Not because I'm afraid that I won't like it, it's because that if I DO like it, I feel afraid that I'm going to be the only one...(cont)

I'm sorry if this ended up sounding like a rant but I just had the need to voice out my opinions because I had a few english dubs that I like but others don't and I feel small because of it (I can't really explain it, sorry...) and to be honest, I don't think that the english dubs for DR games are all bad, I had a few characters that I like better with english dubs (mostly because I think their voices fit the characters more) Again, sorry for this and I hope you have a good day!

Guess I’ll reply back to this ask now! To be honest I was a little surprised to get this message because I didn’t expect to get a message like this when I reblogged those dub-related posts earlier. Maybe I’m glad you feel I’m okay to open up to about your feelings, but at the same time anon, I’m wondering why you feel so afraid to voice about this in your own place.. has someone actually attacked you about this when you thought the dubs were good? I actually think the dr dubs are relatively alright, but even if it’s really bad there could be people who favor the dub, I mean everybody has different opinions 0v0; I’ve mentioned this but what you have here’s a fair point too? This is about feelings and opinions about stuff and I don’t think it’s something that could be split right or wrong, just like that..

Ahm.. I admit I didn’t put much thought into it when I reblogged the posts (I thought it was fun to a degree since I love the fandom chatting away about stuff as a group) but I don’t think people were all too serious and spreading hate and stuff about the dub either when the posts got popular, and I think people would certainly have different spectrum of liking regarding it and while some people could be really disappointed, some may be going ‘eyyy that part sounds a bit awkward hm but I think it’s generally ok..’ there could be people thinking ‘oh this is actually pretty nice’ as well when they reblog these posts. As far as I could infer, it’s just about what people thought stood out in the first trailer. Since I’m not the one who’s brought up these stuff I can’t really say for sure what people were going for when they were talking about this (and are they still? I haven’t been going into the tags lately because of tests and exams;) but I felt no sense of malice from these. Although after I’ve read your ask I feel a bit sorry towards the VAs in a way!! -v-;;But I don’t think they did a terrible job!!; honest?? Quite the contrary actually;; I don’t think the people here are going for that also..

for one thing, it’s just about people reacting to new fandom-related stuff and it could be negative or positive and I think it’s showing how people are excited about stuff and new info- it means that the fandom’s still going strong and that it’s alive! I hope you don’t feel so alone when you don’t see posts that reflect the same stance as you are initially!! I think it’d be alright to talk about these things in your own account, and perhaps you’ll be able to find people whom feel the same way as you are! You don’t really know unless you try ‘v’ and if you feel as strong to message me about this, I think it’d help sharing your feelings about this to people on your own.. :D it’s ok!! there are lots of kind people here and even if your thoughts are different from people, that doesn’t mean that you should hide it away 0_0; this isn’t something that’s controversial either?? I’m not sure if I’m in the position to say this but I hope you don’t take posts like these on a personal level or too seriously!// I’m sure it isn’t really meant to be taken that way

you too, have a good day!

[demonofthelight]

Life stories: Simon Clarke

Joanne (presenter): What keeps you awake at night, like what do you regret the most?

Simon: I don't know if I regret anything because everything teaches you something. Everything we go through is a lesson in life.

Joanne: That's the diplomatic response. What's the real response? If you could change something what would be?

Simon: There's this girl, anyone that listens to this podcast regularly probably knows all about her. Well, I can't regret us ending, because she's getting married in, what's the date? She's getting married in less than a month and she's meant to be happy so I don't regret us ending. I regret being so unimportant in her eyes that we don't still speak. I regret that, more than anything. I don't know if she was the 'one' but she was a friend. A friend I will forever adore.

Joanne: Does that keep you awake at night.

Simon: I wouldn't go that far but there are days I wonder about her.

Joanne: If she was watching this show, what would you say to her?

Simon: I'm sorry I never made her happy and I'm sorry she felt pressured by me. There's this story where a mutual friend once told me, this girl who I don't want to name Joanne, I really don't. You've shown pictures there but she doesn't look the same anymore not even the same coloured hair. Anyway this mutual friend told me she 'hates me for bringing her up'. Honestly, I'm sick of talking about it but I was always taught there's no taboo subject.

Joanne: Do you wish you two stayed in touch?

Simon: Mixed. (looking uncomfortable and shifting) I wish we never drifted so apart into two different circles but the circle she mixes in aren't compatible with the circle I drift in. I don't want to sound like an arrogant asshole. I mean it's nothing to do with superiority or a god complex. The circles I drift in are quite intellectual. Political debates, university alumina, professional jobs, e-sports. The circles she drifts in are more materialistic or hobby orientated. Motorbikes, sports etc. I mean some of those people think I'm literally the worst thing to happen to her, while some of the people in my circle find those who can't debate infuriating. The reality is the person she is now and the person I am now are completely different.

Joanne: Moving on to the death of your mom. Can you remember the day you found out?

Simon: Like it was yesterday. I got woke up in the morning while the paramedics were in my kitchen. I got told that my mom had died in her sleep and as you can imagine my father was in bits. I didn't know how to process it initially so I stayed in my room for about an hour. As time passed, I just wanted to be hugged and told I wasn't as alone as I felt.

Joanne: I'm sure your sisters and brother were by your side.

Simon: Of course, but they were trying to come to grips with it too. To be entirely honest, I reached out to a friend the following day or within the next few days. It became a blur that week but I remember distinctly that the one female who I loved and depended on to that level other than my mother was my ex. I spent the time up until the funeral genuinely believing she would pop over and check up on me even after we broke up on bad terms.

Joanne: How did your friend react , how did they support you?

Simon: As we've touched on, I was a loner in school. Until near the end of high school, I was a bullied shy kid. I didn't have any true friends. But this moment, this terrible event, Matthew made me realise I would never have to go through a travesty alone. He took time out to go for a drink with me during that week and he took the day off work to go to my mom's funeral. He's a complete atheist. He think's my philosophy on the afterlife is closer to Stephen King than history textbooks but he literally walked probably a few miles to and from the funeral just to show his support. I've never told him how much that meant to me. But I'd like to think he just knows.

Joanne: I'm sure he wasn't the only friend over that time?

Simon: No, I have another fantastic friend called Andrew. I had a very bitter falling out over him trying to get me support and honestly anyone else would have knocked me out for the abuse I gave him over it. He just laughed it off. One of two friends that I can depend on, hopefully and as far as I'm concerned the rest of my life.

Joanne: You mentioned the girl again (picture of 2011 as a couple goes on screen), her family is your neighbour right so they knew about what happened with your mom but didn't she text you or call in?

Simon: Her parents lived opposite the street, but she never asked or showed concern on my wellbeing. I have no entitlement of that care. It's her right to feel or act in any legal way she wishes. I'll respect her freedom to do that for as long as I can.

Joanne: How does that make you feel?

Simon: It made me realise our perspectives on the 18 months we were in a relationship were different. For me, it was a fantastic period and I imagine for her it's best to forget it.

Joanne: Does that bother you?

Simon: Should it? People change, circumstances change. Can we move on?

Joanne: OK. We'll go to a break... Welcome back. I'd like to talk about university and is it true that you were warned before you enrolled?

Simon: As a 18 year old child. I made a stupid comment about a friend publicly on Facebook. My friend found it hilarious and it's the sort of dark humour we say to each other over voice chat and in person but someone twisted what I said to imply someone who died in my local area. Well implied the post was about them. I never met and couldn't care less about them. I apologised and thought that was the end of it but a formal police report was filed and the individuals informed my university who at this point had just provided me with an offer to enrol that I accepted. I mean top business college diploma in the county, they ripped the hands off for me. So that was interesting. The university was great about it. The police were as incompetent as you can imagine but it did teach me that don't say anything on social media that can't be literally taken. Like this will go up on YouTube and Tumblr. So anything I say can be proved.

Joanne: How did you emotionally react to this event, where what you said was taken out of context?

Simon: Betrayed by others but I was stupid and naiive. You can't be those things especially as a successful businessman. At this time a lot of falsehoods and rumours came around ranging from me being a drug addict to committing sexual assault. It was obvious at this point those who had ever had a conversation with me knew that I had traditional moral values so the accusations were as ridiculous as they sound. Childish rumours spread to squash what I had to say. My friends just ignored them, and the people the bullshit influenced were better off not in my life anyway.

Joanne: I've only met you twice and you're quite outspoken about some controversial subjects but its obvious to me morally your the other way. Severely punish criminals, probably too far in my opinion.

Simon: I agree, my opinions can be quite controversial but I'm as against illegal drugs as I love a cup of tea. Even my critics would tell you that.

Joanne: You've gone from a social media account with 50000 followers overall to less than a tenth of the size. Why do you think this is and does it bother you?

Simon: I used to be a depressing blogger with poems, and writing that was soul crushing but honest about my thoughts or feelings about myself. I then started to feel less lost so naturally started writing about facts not emotions. Politics was always a topic I found fascinating. I've always been debating since I can remember. I get off on a debate, which is why it's hilarious to mock those that call you names because they can't debate the facts of the topic. I started looking at things like the wage gap and white privilege economically and they don't hold up to the scrutiny expected in academic work. They just don't. Those that believe either of those things are either stupid or lied too.

Joanne: I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of politics because it's become who you are but if I can, I want to touch on 'getting off' of those that call you names in other words 'Trolls' can you elaborate on that?

Simon: I'll give you an example. I'm quite camp just look at what I'm wearing so I got an anon message on Tumblr once that read 'you are a gay homophobic sexist Nazi that should just kill yourself'. How hilarious is the stupidity of that statement. If I was gay, I couldn't be homophobic and gay people aren't allowed to be a Nazi. It shows the idiocy of these people that are probably children.

Joanne: Does these kind of hate messages matter to you?

Simon: Of course it matters, everybody wants to be liked. Those that claim otherwise are lying. But the opinions of people I've never met who are so ashamed of themselves they hide through anonymous, do not matter to me. The opinions of friends and parents of friends matter to me.

Joanne: You once said you were 'bad with women'.

Simon: Oh God, yea. I really wish I hadn't had said that. It was on an emotional post at 3am. It was a spur of the moment thought. I don't think I'm naturally bad with women but I am a marmite figure. I'm not universally liked. Most people I meet are probably intimidated by me. I think the women that I find attractive clearly don't normally find me attractive.

Joanne: Why is that? What type of women do you find attractive?

Simon: I'm probably a 6 out of ten, if I could lose the acne probably a good 7. I tend to fall for either the tall slim blonde or the short petite unique person. I'm quite simple like that. Then if they are able to debate or disagree with me brilliantly, I just adore them.

Joanne: (laughs) So you see yourself as just above average?

Simon: In looks, I do. In style, I'm quite unique and some people hate that I stand out. In personality, I am extremely demanding but I also expect that from myself.

Joanne: Do you ever think about children?

Simon: I did. I thought about marriage and kids but I've only ever found three people in 21 years that I could see having a life with. I do think about children's names though, I have top three for both genders. For a boy: Constantine, Excalibur or Arthur. For a girl: Katherine, Kate or Kathleen.

Joanne: Do you think it's fair when some people refer to you as egotistical, arrogant or psychotic?

Simon: It's no business of mine what other's perceive me to be. I can only concentrate on who I am and I'm none of those things.

Joanne: Do you like being the centre of attention with someone claiming you 'have to be seen to be the most overdressed person because you need the attention?

Simon: I don't mind it, but I don't actively pursue it. I don't really mind whether someone outshines me. I love a challenge and I think demanding the best from myself constantly while can be quite exhausting to see, is who I am whether that's monopoly, gaming or dressing.