#every writing decision is a DECISION - everything is 'unnecessary' - that's not a valid excuse for not killing off a character

[highfantasy-soul]

Dipping my toe into the ofmd s2 finale discourse, so spoilers

Also, if the finale really hurt you and you feel like the writers made an unforgivable decision, then...maybe don't read this and comment all upset? This is just how I viewed the finale, so not saying you've got to be ok with it, but like, also let me feel what I feel too... anyways, disclaimers over.

I think it's such a cool parallel how each of the captain's first-mates went out in very thematically consistent ways to the way they and their captains started out.

Stede was a mythical being - a muppet - a wooden doll who wished to be a real boy. He was firmly in the silly fantasy category of being - nothing he did had any logic (hello sea library that didn't even have little bars to hold his books in place, hello orange cake that used 40 oranges for just the glaze alone) he was sparkly vibes and failing upward through sheer luck (or magic). At the start of Stede's journey, Buttons is there to remind him what piracy is like - mutiny if you aren't a good captain, chewing people's throats out if need be. But Buttons was also there to stare into the sky and feel what was to happen rather than always using data to support his findings.

But Stede wanted to be a hardened pirate.

Ed was Blackbeard - a bloodthirsty, merciless, pirate. A man who was only allowing a single part of himself to be shown/explored. His crew was fiercely loyal, they respected him, and he was taken seriously - because he got shit done through logical actions - logic that Izzy largely influenced. There were always real consequences for Ed and his crew and that's exactly how Izzy liked it. Ed was fascinated by the way Stede and his crew operated in the world and Izzy was horrified by it - you didn't get to be a successful pirate by being a muppet! You got it through blood and struggle - forging your family along the way. You didn't buy your family with a salary and pep talks and you DO NOT WIN DUELS by being so bad at swordplay you let your opponent stab you so their blade gets stuck in the mast and you can win by a technicality!

But Ed wanted to release some of his control and let the whimsy in.

So the characters change throughout the seasons - Stede becomes a 'real boy' and starts to grapple with figuring this stuff out with grit rather than wishful thinking, Ed realizes that the pirate's life isn't making him happy and needs to make a bigger change. Buttons is ready to chew people's throats out with his metal teeth in episode 1, and through the series, he retreats more into the mystical as Stede no longer needs even a hint of his traditionally pirate ways. Izzy realizes Ed doesn't need his harsh advice, it's actually harming him, and Izzy is allowed to release his firm grip on gritty nihilism and explore different parts of himself.

As Stede and Ed grow into their own people, they grow away from what their first-mates need, so their first mates get to truly become themselves. Their trajectories, however, follow the way they lived and what they valued.

Buttons transforms into a bird, being reborn into a new body where he can fully embrace the mysticism without even a hint of gritty reality.

Izzy, he goes out the way he lived - bloody, in battle, the way a pirate 'should'. He went through a transformation as well - one that stayed in line with his character.

To me, it was clear that different characters played by different rules of reality than others - Buttons was a mystical sea witch, Izzy was a gritty 'realistic' pirate.

Buttons became more distant with the crew as he retreated into his mystical being. Izzy grew closer with the crew as he embraced the joys of found family rather than the ever-dangerous life at sea. He embraced the here and now, he embraced - and faced - reality.

Buttons transfigured into a bird because that's how he lived (and how Stede started out) - as a mystical being of the sea, so that is the form his metamorphosis took.

Izzy died in battle because that's how he lived (and how Blackbeard started out) - as a loyal pirate who would fight to the very end, so that's the form his metamorphosis took.

I viewed Button's story as a smaller-scaled foreshadowing of the final episode.

As Izzy's death took place at the end of the season, there was no narrative time to hash out everyone's emotions over it - just like at the end of season 1, they didn't have time to hash out everyone's emotions at Stede leaving them (though with the extended episode count, they did manage to get a bit more in there). Clearly, Season 3 is going to be massively shaped by Izzy's death - just as season 2 was shaped by Ed and Stede's breakup.

We don't know how the writers are going to go forward with the story, and honestly, I don't enjoy speculating on how plot lines are going to be written. But from the writer's comments, it seems to me like there's a good possibility Izzy will still be in the show - and now he's literally buried his past self and is ready for the next iteration of Izzy Hands.

[littlebabycrybtch]

bro..... im sooo tired of ppl being whiny freaks about ppl liking fictional shit ‘~too much~’. like bitches are literally fully convinced if you prefer acting out certain ideas in fiction but not irl, thats not your normal preferential boundaries but rather your brain is a mental illness BOMB and you need to be fucking hospitalized for being imaginative and having autonomy. like yall if its not taboo or smth shut uuuuhp man you’re not ‘concerned for their health’ or w/e you’re fully just tryna get away with being a nihilistic asshole who lacks sympathetic reasoning skills. listen to me. fiction is valuable. the thoughts we have on it are important. the personal lack of value you happen to put on a media is next to worthless. its not a fuckin waste of time dude, creators are people, who live in the real world, they experience it and have ideas through it and about it, they form and tweak their ideas while still definitely existing in the real world, and then put that back into the world with a new angle and new perspective, to share with other people definitely encountering it in , you guessed it , the real world. thats not disconnected. its not nothing. these things do not magically appear from fairytale land, they are created. stories mean smth, people tell them for a reason, its ok to feel smth for any story, why would we even tell them if not with the intention to impact others emotionally somehow i mean??? fiction does not Just affect reality, it is valuable to real life society, it is a functioning thriving part OF reality. 

humans have told stories since the dawn of our existence. it is literally all but an inherent species trait for us to imagine things, its tied to each and every one of us, and to reject ‘fantasy’ as smth worthless to human life is frankly just fuckin wrong and weird of you. bitch we are Supposed to get outside the box, the fandom ppl you cringe your pants over arent thinking abt fake shit too much, you guys very often just arent exercising abstract thought and imagination enough, which actually hurts your ability to engage with it critically in all the ways its meant to be. if you dont see the value in fiction its because you put in no effort to form the analysis skills. in other words, you idiots dont get the hype bc you’re too stupid to get how you're supposed to compare a book to the real world it came from. ‘uu but cmon not everythings valuable what about [tumblr designated cringe media]-’ 1. ok! somehow you havent come to this conclusion yourself yet but thats not real, whatever ppl get to enjoy is not all abt you, your bias means less than dirt to others outside of hivemind social medias, you can keep it to yourself, ppl shouldnt care about it bc it means nothing outside of ur own space, its literally funny to me that you’re so elitist you want me to cater my interests to you, Your Standard Of Quality Isnt Universal, 2. ranking the values of fiction is the waste of time here, if you compare mlp to pride and prejudice ill dissect your teeth, different emotional impacts from tragic to funny to Just A Vibe are all able to be assessed as ‘valuable to somebody else so leave well enough alone’ if you dont have 2010+ funnyman brainrot disease that makes you incapable of reflecting on anything you can find a way to joke abt first.

i mean seriously like. whenever randos start engaging with medias you ppl dont like or in ways you dont get, the strawmans yall make up to get to be cringe culture vultures abt such benign shit, and almost Always at the expense of neurodivergent people with a deeply rooted undertone of extreme ableism might i add..... its just so selfish. u have a brain ok, you’re manipulative but we both know you dont Actually think ppl automatically default to being a waifu obsessed incel rotting away at their basement computer, stagnating their social skills and straying further and further from reality with each passing day, a poor disturbed wretch that you just HAVE to save from themselves, all bc they say they. prefer fictional porn or w/e to having sex irl. buddy thats not a big deal, theyre normal, just different from you. theyre fine, you’re just uncomfortable. as a functioning adult you’re gonna have to try and recognize that sometimes that feelings gonna be 100% on you, and you cant always just lie abt the validity of it to make ppl feel obligated into agreeing with you. this is gonna be one fragment of their personhood and your self obsessed brain imploding over how unrelatable that is doesnt fucking matter, grow up bitch like. how detached do you have to be to think thats so unstable or morally wrong.... its just a completely inconsequential preferential decision that only affects them and isnt a wrong choice at all cuz nobody has to get their dick wet if they dont wanna for any reason ever and thats gotta be that tbh.... and it kills me cuz they still inherently experience the real world and are capable of thinking abt it critically,,, even tho they... masturbate to drawings or w/e the fuck ppl think is unhealthy ???? like? imagination is just fun we dont need to moderate it anymore than we moderate other fun activities i mean lol ksdjfsd this is the DEFINITION of ‘just vibing’ no one FUCKING cares and it deosnt fucking matter the way you desperately try to make ppl think it does just so u get to be loud abt ur shortcomings as a decent understanding person. 

‘uuuuuu im sorry but thats unhealthy :///’ you sound like a goddamn maniac dude stories are not unhealthy having feelings abt them is not unhealthy thinking some anime bitch that was DRAWN TO BE HOT , IS HOT, is not UNHEALTHY and you clowns arent convincing anybody you ‘care’ abt that concept anyways !! im losign my mind here skdlsdfsd medias are literally DESIGNED TO DO THIS TO PEOPLE... WE’RE SUPPOSED TO FEEL THINGS FOR IT.... IT IS WHAT MAKES THE ART WE’VE TAKEN PART IN FOR CENTURIES, “ART”.... ITS JUST... HAVING IDEAS AND EXPERIENCING IMAGINATION..... whats wildly unhealthy actually is yalls toxic obsession with ‘harsh truth’ and validating your stupid ass cwinge feewings to the point where everything that gives your underdeveloped selfish ass hives has to be a matter of health and morals and whats ‘best’ for everyone. u dont know that shit!!!! ur a petty brat and im not ur mommy ok i wont baby you so u dont feel like the shitty whiny person you are, you need to grow and do better and think outside urself already, dont put the responsibility of making u feel right for judging somebodies benign hobbies on me. i wont bc its wrong and unnecessary. you’re not a savior no ones falling for that lmao you’re just a bitch girl xoxo get over it shit truly does not matter. let them write nsfw self insert fics instead of banging !! 

to make it real do yall really not Get that basic consent kinda doesnt just mean ‘no when im not in the mood at the time’ but it means ‘no if i just dont fuckin feel like having sex ever for literally any reason at all bc i choose what i do’ and pressuring them, even with what your warped brain translates as the best of intentions, is inherently disgusting? especially with the ‘i know how to help you’ attitude like......... ohhh die soonly ew lmao! lay off this nasty shit already please it doesnt matter! stop trying to make it matter!! its not hurting you or them you stupid tumblr phd ass!! and like again yeah some media shits just truly gross but tbr now its like even That kind of shit, the Real social issues caused by Actually problematic media that ppl should discuss Genuinely without ulterior motives, is being used more and more rampantly as just a stepping stone to get to the needless mockery of other harmless things in the media they want an excuse to bag on.......... like a bitch cant just be grown and talk about problems at face value without getting a bully jab in. smhhhhh you all fuckin suck please just stop talking already. so anyways yeah being attracted to fictional characters instead of real people or w/e IS funny, funny how many boyfriends they have when u have none xoxo theyre having fun and you can die sad abt it they get to die 5 times in an angsty fantasy fic and be brought back with mouth to mouth by fuckin kakashi every time and then they go get lunch irl while ur updating tinder bitch ... different fucking strokes ig !

[bleak-midwinter-snow]

Bad Fortune

Notes: I feel like the more I write the more obvious it is that I have no idea what I am doing but as they say, when the quarantine hits... So here we go again, with an OC that actually has a name this time! Takes place in a merge of season 1 and 2 I believe, it’s been a while since I’ve seen them. Communication is the key to a soft ending, kids. This is also so far my longest thing (2.7K words) so, enjoy!

And again, English is not my first language so if something sounds off, I’m sorry.

—–

“Does your mother know where you are or am I going to be a gypsy witch again?”

A young woman stepped into the betting shop, walking past still empty desks on an early Monday morning. Prue Morris wasn’t a rare view in the Shelby parlour, though today her visit had a different reason than usual.

“Hello, Polly.”

“If you are looking for boys they are at the Garrison.”

“At this hour already?”

“Business at this hour only. Or so I was told,” Polly closed a book she was writing into and pulled out a cigarette. The young woman sat down at one of the empty chairs nearby.

“I’m sorry for my mother’s behaviour yesterday. She is getting worse every day.”

Polly let out a puff of smoke she looked through at her visitor. “She hasn’t come to terms you are not an obedient child anymore. Not that you never got into trouble anyway.”

Prue chuckled at the memory of times when she stuck around the Shelbys after school. Having siblings was a foreign concept to her and they were always up to some mischief she got tangled in whenever she was close. The fun never lasted long, as Prue’s mother was swift to find her and remove from any situation that included the gypsy family. But it was worth it.

“Well, she cannot drag me home by hand anymore. Even though she desperately wishes to,” she leaned back on the chair and stared at the ceiling.

Since she started working and living her own life, Prue hoped her mother’s controlling hold on her will be gone, or at least loosen a bit compared to times she was a child. Unfortunately, she was wrong and the grip felt it was getting desperately stronger now she wasn’t around her mother at all times.

I named you Prudence in hopes it will set you for life with good judgement but you are so careless, the words echoed in her head. She knew her mother was worried but at this point it felt like no matter what Prue did, her mother was never satisfied. It was about time she did what she wanted to do, as waiting for praise or validation for her decisions, no matter how significant, or insignificant for that matter, was a long-lost fight.

“And she doesn’t even know the worst yet.”

“What, that the bad fortune from more than 25 years ago may be true?” Shelbys always had a special place in her mother’s book.

“Maybe. But I’m not the culprit.”

“What do you mean?”

Polly took a long drag from her cigarette and narrowed her eyes with a small smile, “You are in love.”

Prue blinked twice fast and laughed. “Now isn’t that a bold statement, Polly?”

“Oh please, Polly is never wrong about love.”

“We’re just frien-“

“Don’t pull that on me either, you think no one noticed you two disappearing from the Garrison for an hour but I did.”

Prue gave out a small huff. She had nothing to say to that. The truth was, yes, she found herself falling for Thomas Shelby. Despite seeing him for a while, she kept her feelings to herself because she knew her confession would probably just complicate everything and despite the sweet and intimate moments they shared, she wasn’t sure he felt the same and if he even wanted to go that way with her. Though she would lie to herself if she said that sometimes, she didn’t wish he let her closer.

“It’s not like it would work, Polly. There are just too many things that go against it.”

“Have you told him?”

“Of course not.”

“Go tell him.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“No, that’s exactly how it works! Adults communicate. Unless you are a child, Prue, like your mother says you are.”

That small change in young woman’s expression was everything Polly wanted. She smiled.

“Off to the Garrison you go! Quick, before your shift starts!”

Prue sighed and hated how Polly knew exactly what strings to pull. And hated herself how easily she got swayed by her words. Maybe her mother was right after all.

“If he breaks my heart it will be your shoulder I will be crying on, you know!” she said mockingly on her way out of the shop. Polly just opened one of the books again and with a smile, she lit up another cigarette.

***

The Garrison pub was empty. Chairs still on tables and the bar polished clean with not a soul around, except from three Shelby brothers leaving the private room just as she walked in.

“Hey, if it isn’t Prudence Morris!” Arthur teased her by using her full name as her mother often did when she was calling for her. She grinned at the welcome.

“Good morning, gentlemen.”

“Would lady like a drink?” the oldest Shelby was already behind the bar, grabbing four glasses.

“Isn’t it a little early for that, Arthur?”

“It’s never early in my pub,” he replied with a grin as he poured the whiskey.

“I can see that. But no, thank you, keep it at three,” she smiled and stopped him before he could reach the fourth glass. Then she finally turned to Thomas, who was lighting a cigarette.

“Tommy, can we talk? In private?”

The backroom of the Garrison that currently served as a storage room provided more privacy than the small private room by the bar. As soon as the door closed behind them, Tommy spoke.

“I wanted to talk to you too, actually.”

“Is it about my mother? Don’t tell me she has been here.”

“No, she hasn’t. But she’s been over at the betting shop.”

“I know, I’ve been there already, I apologized to Polly. She took it way too far.”

“She’s worried you stick around the wrong crowd. And no one can blame her,” Tommy gave her a concerned look. “It’s dangerous around us, you know. You know what we do.”

“So, are you taking my mother’s side, then?”

He took a long drag from his cigarette.

“I don’t want you in unnecessary danger.”

“I can take care of myself, you know,” Prue crossed her arms on her chest defensively. The last thing she needed was Tommy undermining her the same way her mother did.

“Does your mother know who you are meeting up with in secret and what does it mean for your safety?”

“Do you know I carry a gun?”

“That’s not the point.”

“That’s exactly the point. I can take care of myself, Tom.”

Silence. Everyone had their concerns. Tommy had a point and Prue knew it. She wasn’t sticking around Shelby kids anymore, being around Blinders put her at risk but the fact he tried to play his own concerns as lack of her mother’s approval of what Prue decides to do annoyed her. But she is not backing out now, Polly was right. They have to talk.

“Has Polly told you why my mother keeps going crazy about me sticking around?”

“Because she is worried about her daughter.”

“No, the actual reason.”

Tommy shook his head lightly and almost didn’t blink. His eyes were focused on her.

“Shortly before I was born, my mother got into an argument on the street. It was over something stupid but the woman she argued with spat at her feet and told her to be careful because one day a gypsy will steal her daughter,” she slowly walked towards him as she spoke, “Mother thinks it’s Polly. The gypsy from the bad fortune.”

“But it’s not just Polly, is it now.”

“No, it’s not. Because Thomas Shelby,” she took his face into her hands, “you are the one who stole my heart.”

He kept looking at her with the same expression, eyes moving from one side to other, as if he couldn’t decide where to look.

“I love you, Tommy. And that’s a fact.”

Tommy left out a small sigh, almost sorrowful as he slowly closed his eyes.

“Is this what you wanted to talk about?”

The cold demeanour was a part of Thomas Shelby since he returned from France and she knew this. No one has been the same since and she knew what she was getting herself into when she realized she was falling for him. But she couldn’t help but feel a little chilled by this behaviour, like she has been left outside on a cold day.

“Yes, I wanted to make things clear on my side.”

“What would your mother think if -“

“Can you stop bringing her up?” She quickly removed her hands from him a took a step back. “I am my own person with my own choices, Tom. If you want to reject me, do it because you want to and don’t look for excuses.”

He let out a puff of smoke.

“Just say how you feel about us, Tommy. I can take it.”

Tommy finished his cigarette and stepped closer to her. “Prue, I -“

John suddenly opened the door.

“I’m sorry to bust in but there are some men that want to speak to you, Tommy.”

“What men, John?”

“Haven’t seen them before. They say they came here all the way from London.”

“I’ll be right there.” Then he turned back to Prue.

“Stay here. I’ll be right back and we will talk, eh?” He gave her a quick pat on the shoulder and before she could react, Tommy was out the door. She stood there for a second and then with a deep sigh, she was out the back entrance, on her way to work.

***

Working kept her mind occupied and clear of thoughts of her mother or Thomas Shelby, which she was thankful for. Prue knew the conversation will continue eventually but she wasn’t sure it would be today. In a way she felt bad for just leaving the Garrison with the conversation unresolved but then again, they both had places to be. It wasn’t an ideal situation. Maybe if she stopped by the pub later tonight, they could continue talking and solve this as adults they are. Or not. Why had she given into Polly’s enabling again?

The shift has ended and Prue was putting on her coat, ready to leave when she heard her co-workers talk in an annoyed, almost distressed voice.

“What is that Shelby doing here?”

“I have no idea, it’s ridiculous! Nowhere in this city is safe from Peaky Blinders anymore.”

Shelby? Here? Did he…?

She quickly picked up her purse and made her way out of the building. And sure enough, in the alley by the entrance stood Thomas Shelby, coat buttoned up in a chilly evening, cap hiding a portion of his face but it was still unmistakably him, smoking a cigarette, as per usual. Prue sighed and walked over to him.

“Good evening,” he greeted her.

“Good evening,” she greeted back before asking the obvious. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m waiting for you.”

“Because of the conversation earlier today? It could have waited, you know.”

He didn’t answer. Instead, he finished his cigarette and offered her an arm. “Let’s walk, shall we?”

Prue didn’t have much choice here but it wasn’t like she was going to reject the offer anyway. She accepted his arm and as they were leaving, she could feel the shocked looks on her back. Coming to work tomorrow will certainly be interesting.

There’s been silence between them for a while, as if none of them wanted to bring up the topic they were discussing in the morning. And Prue most definitely wasn’t going to push him.

“I’ve talked to Polly,” he said finally. She waited if he’ll continue but nothing was happening. Not wanting to play any of his games today, she took charge.

“And what did you find out?”

“Do you know what does it mean, to be seen publicly with a Shelby?”

Prue furrowed her brow. Steering away from the topic again. “If you talk about the ladies at the workplace who gave us looks, I can take that. I can take people looking at me wrong, it’s their business, not mine.”

“No, it’s my business to make sure no one looks at you wrong. And that you are safe from whoever may be looking at you right now.”

“What was the point of showing up at the door of my workplace then? Are you trying to teach me a lesson?” Prue was getting annoyed. If he was strolling the streets with her arm in arm only to show her how dangerous it is, she had no need for that today.

“No.”

“What is it, then?” She stopped in her tracks and pulled him aside where they weren’t in plain sight of the entire street. It got dark already and the cap’s peak was shading Tommy’s eyes. She wanted to look him in the face unobscured when they talked.

“Can you take that thing off?” He didn’t protest and took off his cap, tucking it in his coat pocket. His eyes looked almost sad. Prue took his face into her hands, the same way she did in the morning.

“Just talk to me, Tom. I can’t read minds. I can’t read in between the lines when there are no lines to begin with. Just tell me what is it. And for the love of God, don’t bring up my safety or my mother again. Tell me what is it you want.”

He sighed and brought his own hands on top of hers. They were cold from the late autumn air.

“You said you were in love. Polly said the same and she is never wrong.”

A pause. He wasn’t hesitant about what he was about to say. He was only looking for the right words.

“Is this really what you want, Prue? Us?”

She looked into his eyes, gentle but serious. “Only if you want the same, Tommy.”

The silence filled the space between them. He blinked slowly and nodded. “Yeah. I do.”

Prue gave him a soft smile and caressed his cheeks. “I love you. No ladies at work, strangers on the street or my mother’s bad fortunes can do anything about it. Alright?”

Tommy didn’t say a word. Instead, he cradled her face in the same manner she held his and brought them together for a kiss. Prue felt the warmth spreading from the lips to her entire body – it felt exactly like the unspoken words that never got to leave his tongue. The kiss lasted forever and she didn’t want it to end. She brought her hands to the back of his head, fingers running through his hair, leaning into the touch of cold palms on her cheeks. When they finally parted, they were both breathless, lost in each other’s eyes at the corner of the evening street.

“Let’s go,” said Tommy, taking her by the elbow again.

“Where to?”

“The Garrison.”

They didn’t get to the Garrison.

***

Tommy’s bedroom was dimly lit by the lights from the late-night street, casting long shadows on the walls. They laid in bed, limbs tangled under the quilt, Tommy’s head resting against Prue’s chest, her arms wrapped around him in a warm embrace.

“I don’t know if I can give you exactly what you’d expect of this, of us…,” he whispered in a raspy voice, eyes closed, almost asleep. “I am a bad fortune after all. A gypsy who stole you away.”

She shuffled as she pulled the blanket higher to cover them both and started playing with his hair. The smell of tobacco and lavender tickled her nose.

“I don’t care about fortunes, as long as I have you. And you have me.”

“Hm…,” his hands found her back, to pull closer, to lean into that pleasant heat shared between two naked lovers. “Will you stay?”

A moment of silence.

“They won’t come when you are here.”

Prue knew what he meant by those words and what demons haunted him at night when he was alone and vulnerable. But she was here now and he was peacefully in her arms. She will hold him through anything that life decides to throw their way.

She planted a kiss on top of his head.

“I’ll stay.”

[spockandawe]

Megatron?

I’m still chipping away at these, but I’m already looking forward very much to the holiday weekend where life will stop Happening for two minutes and I can catch up for real!

So, Megatron!!

First impression: Hahaha, not very nuanced. It was probably some combination of Bayverse and vague osmosis knowledge of the eighties cartoon, where I was like ‘oh yeah, the dick who’s a dick for no discernible reason’

Impression Now: I will not be satisfied by any canon in which Megatron does not have some kind of extremely valid point. IDW, TFA, and TFP have all touched on this, and it fanons well into other continuities if you write a solid backstory, but I ADORE how much nuance and depth he can introduce into things with that context. He’s so interesting!! He’s got a past in both shitty menial labor and fighting to survive, he’s obviously incredibly intelligent, he’s unbelievably tenacious, he’s got charisma for days, everything! And I was able to recognize a lot of that depth, but then, in MTMTE, when he starts legit scrutinizing his history and seeing the scope of how much death he helped cause and questioning his decisions and knowing he’ll never escape that history but still rethinking everything down to his sense of self, like. Oh my god. He’s so intelligent and tenacious he drags himself out of four million years of sunk cost, when he knew he had valid points from the start, and he still rebuilds himself. I knew he was a deep character, but that amazing and grabbed my attention and love like whoa.

Favorite Moment: This is a difficult character to choose this for! Especially with a shout-out to every glimpse we get of young baby Megatron in the past. But I think... it’s my favorite moment for Rodimus too, but it’s still got to be right at the end of DOTL, when Megatron goes in to kill the DJD. He’s already been falling apart just based on the weight of self-reflection, he’s never been happier than he was on the LL, and now it looks like because of that history he’ll never escape, he’s dragging down all the people with him who thought he was worth giving a second chance. It would be hard to find better confirmation that yes, your past will always be a chain around your neck, but also? Whenever it all catches up to you, you’re going to drag down anyone near you as well. Overlord and Tarn particularly embody Megatron’s worst mistakes in a way I’m not going to write an essay on here, but he goes into that last stand... not really expecting to make it out. And he doesn’t care. Rodimus shows up to help him and Megatron is this close to saying fuck it, I’m done with me. Like I said for Rodimus, Megatron is ready to give up on himself, and Rodimus is there with his hand outstretched, because he hasn’t given up on Megatron.

Idea For A Story: Okay. Listen. Pharmatron. No I’m not going to explain myself, but just wait, it’ll be amazing. Maybe with babies.

Unpopular Opinion: Oh god, I’ve completely lost the pulse of what are the Correct opinions to hold about him. Oh, I know. My opinion is that his treatment of Starscream has definitely been deliberately abusive at points in the past. And my opinion is that if he met up with Starscream now, he would be trying not to go down that path. But they’ve got so much habit and history behind them that they’d fall so naturally into those old toxic patterns, without even realizing it’s happening. I think that by the end of LL, Megatron was genuinely feeling super affectionate about Starscream and would have wanted to meet up and pursue that healthier relationship. But it has to be said that even though I think that’s what’s going on in his head, reality would play out much more like the ugly history. Is that even coherent? I don’t know anymore XD

Favorite Relationship: MMMMM. Hm. Okay, first of all, if we’re looking at a non-idw canon, this is almost definitely going to have to be OP. And even in idw, OP makes a strong case for himself. But again, like Rodimus, I’m going to have to go rodimegsmags. Picking one subset of that triad would be too difficult. But oh my god, I’m still so moved by how much he and Rodimus come to respect and value each other as the story progresses, and how upset they each are when they think the other one ditched them. And he and Ultra Magnus go together so naturally that I’m half-convinced JRO wrote some of that into the story on purpose. They’re both serious and reserved and awkward, and they write poetry!!! They’re in a better position to understand each other than most people on the ship, and they’re the two best huggers on the entire ship, it’s meant to be. Also, conveniently, once you factor in Minimus Ambus in the Magnus armor, every person in this relationship can cuddle someone smaller than them and someone larger than them, which is a very important factor.

Favorite Headcanon: I feel like I keep using this question as a second story idea response, but I don’t care :P So, imagine. The LL has just quantum jumped halfway across the universe with a crew that has just survived a LOT of shit, with a bunch of new crew too, etc. As shorthand, I keep referring to this setting as the LL swinger’s club. Basically, imagine Megatron and Ultra Magnus hooking up really easily and naturally from right out of the gate. And then, Rodimus feels melancholy and out of place, and spends time drifting from room to room, staying with different friends/couples, where there’s lots of people who are happy to have him around and want him, but he still can’t shake the feeling of being unnecessary and an imposition. But he can’t go back to hang out in the officer’s quarters, Mags and Megs are having a poetry night, and they asked me to come, but I know they’re just using it as an excuse to start kissing so of course I’m going to give them their space and not butt in-- I need Ultra Magnus and Megatron trying so hard, but so awkwardly, to court Rodimus while he’s also trying to be polite and leave them their space. I need Megatron chipping away at this situation and both him and Ultra Magnus trying to convey soft emotions directly, and not through poetry, because they need to communicate this to Rodimus and make him believe it

[defiestars]

some quick verse + tlj thoughts related info  * *  very uhHHH likely to change as i go / as i remember things more clearly if / when i subject myself to tlj again

i.  recovery   //    in the empire strikes back novelisation luke was in his bacta tank for 12 hours and then slept for another 16 hours for fatal hypothermia.  assuming bacta technology has advanced and become more sophisticated,  particularly because it’s now been synthesised into a suit,  i’d estimate finn’s recovery to have been in the 30-36 hour mark.  (   also, he’s force-sensitive but that’s A Whole Other Topic  !  )   

if we assume:  day 1 post-tfa:  rey staying long enough to get her hot new Grey Jedi Look together  +  organise the gps bracelet plan with leia.  the resistance receiving alerts that the first order fleet is approaching and beginning evacuation plans.  day 2 post-tfa:  finn wakes up,  half a day earlier than he did in tlj,  just in time to offer information on the weak points of the star destroyers and the dreadnought, including helping devise the plan to eliminate the dreadnought’s surface cannons and clear the way for the resistance bombers. 

ii.  allegiance   //   FINN OWES !! THE RESISTANCE !! NOTHING !!!!!!  HE DOESN’T OWE ANYBODY SHIT !!!!!!!  this boy has risked his life and livelihood time and again from the moment he chose not to kill for the first order for complete strangers,  for a movement he had no prior connections with.  even if leaving and becoming a  ‘’’’’’’ traitor ‘’’’’’ to the resistance had been right for his character and a valid development in his character arc,  he does not deserve to be called a deserter for wanting nothing to do with the first order ever again.  like........... does anybody fucking realise that alongside the very possible defeat of the resistance, finn being captured by the first order again probably means he wouldn’t be killed, but  reconditioned  ???????  the first order has had deserters, too !!   they also get tasered !  in the Head, specifically their Brain, where they’re basically restored to factory settings.  not to mention the sheer amount of bravery and courage and heroism it takes for him to turn around and face the organization that destroyed his childhood, enslaved him, and has systematically abused him every day of his life.

with all of that said,,,,,  it makes 0 sense for finn to decide, in the middle of the resistance evacuation, to suddenly up and leave with a shitty ass excuse about needing to be far away for when rey comes back.  like ??????  rey's path is already so deeply and inexorably tied to the rube goldberg machine that is the jedi, the resistance, and the skywalkers,  and finn knows this.  even if he wasn’t fundamentally a person with a moral compass that couldn’t be broken even by two decades of indoctrination into a fascist space nazi regime,  finn does The Things He Does because they’re the right thing to do.  his character arc is not and has never been defined by rey.  i don’t know what dinosaur sloth titty juice rian johnson’s been drinking but repeating parts of finn’s earlier character development to the point of regression is not !!! good !!!! writing !!!!!!!

given that he’s spent 36ish hours in a recovery coma,  finn hasn’t had so much as a Second to process,  or decide,  where he stands in the resistance.  like rey,  he too is looking for someone to show him his place in all this.  unlike rey,  he has no mentor figure, no introspective screentime alone,  no inner dialogue or space to explore who he is now in the post-first order part of his life.  but,  for the time being and given the time-sensitivity of the resistance evacuation,  he is absolutely on the side of the rebels.  these are the people who saved him and protected him,  who gave him the jacket off their backs and something to fight for.  not only does deserting make 0 logical or tactical sense in the middle of an evacuation,  it’s just outright selfish ??  and self-serving ???  none of which finn is, thank you @ryan johnson.

iii.  rebellion   //   so there’s been a lot of differing opinions on finn and rose’s storyline and after agonizing a lot of this i’ve come to the almost final decision that it’s Not As Bad as ppl want it to be.  like a lot of mischaracterisation fuck-ups in tlj,  it mainly comes down to  how this storyline was treated in the grand scheme of tlj and how significant it was to the overarching plot.  canto bight only seems irrelevant because ryan johnson is a terrible fucking writer who thrives off sidelining his characters of color.  thematically, it served it as a damning critique of the powerful ruling class and political economic elites that are actively profitting from the injustice and oppression of war.  rose showing those kids the resistance emblem in her ring is one of the most iconic moments in the film;  inspiring a whole generation of children to rise up against their oppressors is  everything the resistance symbolizes and fights for.  

throwing in an unnecessary oc spitting some half-assed  ‘ everything isn’t always good or bad, sometimes there’s just grey areas ’  message in a parallel of the jedi story and ultimately having the undercover mission serve No Purpose Whatsoever was a shitty move.  in keeping with the fandom interpretation that tlj is a story about failure,  this would’ve been okay  only  if  the detour onto the star destroyer hadn’t been for absolutely nothing.  because there Needed to be fucking somETHINg,  instead of just benicio del toro rihanna.gif winking with the parting words that  ‘ hey sometimes people are just assholes ’.  star wars isn’t a story... about... people being fundamentally shitty..... it’s a story about good vs. bad and the enduring struggle for Balance between them;  People Are Both.  it doesn’t matter what you are but what you  do  and the choice you have to do good or bad.  to counteract the shittiness of dj fucking off,  leaving two poc to be forced onto their knees by a white fascist villain,  and a black character to be slapped upside the face by said white fascist villain we needed Something.  WHERE WAS OUR STORMTROOPER UPRISING, hMMMmm MMm MMMM mMM MM ????????????

bb-8 showing up as deus ex sight gag was funny for 2.5 seconds but now i'm just.... like crait.... a whole Salt Planet.  we could have had, it All ?  i don’t even specifically know where this part of my tlj-divergent verse goes because it actually requires other non-canon characters to exist but.... hey if any ex-stormtrooper oc’s wanna hmu.... u kno where i’m at.  basically,  i picture a handful of stormtroopers defecting,  escaping with rose and finn,  becoming part of  the rebellion that is reborn. 

iv.  battle of crait   //   this... fuc king scene..... god.  let’s just get the wampa out of the way.  rose’s  ‘ that’s how we’re gonna win.  not fighting what we hate, saving what we love ’  was totally narratively undeserved.  this is not a criticism of the character but of ryan, again, the man who was paid millions of dollars to write this garbage.  in under 18 hours,,,, rose has decided that she has gotten over her lifelong hatred for the first order,  her very recent and fresh grief over losing her sister who died Fighting The First Order,  and oH,  she LOVES FINN ?  WHAT.  cool.  coolcoolcool.

in my canon, i’m going to go with the idea that rose did not kiss finn.  but they have a fantastic dynamic,  and rose crashing into him, saving him and saying something similar to what she said but more along the lines of not wanting to lose another person she cares about to the first order would have been much... better....  i view this ship as primarily platonic, at least far as tlj goes.  finnrey and finnpoe barely had any screentime / development so ryan johnson is flat-out playing no-homo games if he thinks he’s going to sail a ship based on 18 hours of knowing each other.  but i’m totally open to seeing where it goes with proper development, etc. in rp,  so if there are any rose’s that would like to plot with me and discuss finnrose stuff please !!!  i’m begging you !!!!  

if ya made it to the end,  thank you,  ur the real mvp,  u are now obligated to message me to plot or yell at me abt ur own tlj salt / headcanons / character analysis. 

[sapropel]

Some Thoughts on the Structure of Discourse  (and Why It's Faulty)

Hi guys! I’m sure a lot of you have noticed, but the discourse has turned to shit. I wanted to provide some thoughts on the topic, but it’s some stuff I’ve been meaning to stay for awhile. If you’re worried about the current state of the discourse, I encourage you to read this.

Also this took me three hours to write and I’m mentally ill as hell so please validate my questionable decision to write all this out lol

There are many reasons that Tumblr discourse has gotten so toxic. For one, when you put a bunch of teenagers in a high stress environment, especially mentally ill teenagers and teenagers who are survivors of abuse and trauma, it's a breeding ground both for toxicity and for pain. Because social justice/discourse Tumblr attracts users with rough backgrounds or marginalized identities, it's easy to band together against and bond over common oppressors. These things can cause several issues.

Tumblr has a terrible habit of weaponizing identities. By that I mean discoursers will use their marginalized identities to win arguments without providing other evidence or good arguments.

Take the following argument for example:

Q: Is the word “homosexual” problematic when talking about gay men?

Gay man 1: “Yes, it is.”

Gay man 2: “No, it isn't!”

Okay, so now what do you do? You're used to believing people based solely off of their identities, but what happens when they disagree?

The issue with holding marginalized people as experts in nuanced issues is that marginalized identities are NOT monolithic. People can be prejudiced, bigoted, rude, or purposefully deceitful regardless of identity. People can also be extremely kind and intelligent with different backgrounds and lived experience, with some ignorance and mistakes, with personal preferences. Obviously, if you hear overwhelmingly that something is problematic from that group of people (e.g, is it okay to misgender trans people, the answer being no), then you should take care to listen and take them at their word. Some arguments are more complicated and require deeper analysis, so let's return to the argument before.

Q: Is the word “homosexual” problematic when talking about gay men?

Gay Man 1: “Yes, it is. It recalls the medicalization of gay men and our subsequent mistreatment and dehumanization. With the split attraction model, the word also has a new meaning, so it can be confusing in conversations. Many gay men consider the word to be a slur and don't want to hear it.”

Gay Man 2: “No, it isn't! As a gay man, ‘gay’ has become an umbrella term for anyone who experiences same-gender attraction. If we don’t use that word, how will people be able to talk about us, and how will we be able to talk about ourselves? Because of some events in my life, I'm uncomfortable with other people calling me ‘gay’ but I've never been uncomfortable with ‘homosexual.’ “

Okay, so you heard an argument this time. So, what's the right answer? Isn't that what is important?

It's not that simple. One issue with discourse on Tumblr is its inability to handle nuance. Who GETS to decide what's right? Sure, we can figure out bits and pieces. For example, you should know it's inappropriate to call the first man a homosexual because he's said it makes him uncomfortable. We know we shouldn't make the second man accept the label “gay” if it hurts him.

So again, who's right?

I can't tell you that. I could only ever tell you my opinion. I can tell you that for me, personally, I like to err on the side of caution.

Tumblr is unwilling to treat issues as living, changing, perhaps unanswerable entities. The need to have a black and white answer on everything is alienating people and making discourse a fruitless endeavour. Instead of fighting to prove why we’re right, or fighting to get an answer, we should be working together towards a common goal of educating each other and ourselves and allowing ourselves to be compassionate and imperfect creatures.

How do we educate each other? I promise that treating people with innocent, if misguided, questions isn't it. We have to let people be curious and make mistakes and know that we won't demonize them for dissent or for messing up. I believe that open, honest, and genuine discourse will naturally teach well.

Again, I would like to stress that there is a difference between situational ignorance and a person consistently unwilling to better themself.

The weaponization of identity isn't the only issue with some of the language of our discourse. I also want to talk about the difference between systematic oppression and discrimination and how Tumblr handles it.

With marginalized identities, there is very often oppression. This word gets thrown around a lot, especially with respect to ace discourse. So what does it mean?

Systematic oppression is the institutional or legislative and almost always cultural manifestation of disenfranchisement coupled with a power dynamic that inhibits social mobility.

Some examples of people who are systematically oppressed (at least in America, but due to imperialism and the like, the effects are usually global) are black people, women, and people who experience same-gender attraction. I'm going to talk about the experience of systematic oppression vs discrimination for the third case, just a little bit. Obviously, these issues are extremely complex and I won't be able to explain every facet, but I can give a rough sketch.

For the sakes of simplicity and consistency, I would like to talk about two groups of people: gay men and bisexual men. Both groups of people experience same-gender attraction, and both are oppressed under homophobia.

Hold on, did OP just say that bi people are oppressed under homophobia? WHAT ABOUT BIPHOBIA???

Okay! This is a common misconception on Tumblr. Homophobia is systematic because it is legal, institutional, very cultural, and involves a power imbalance between those who experience SGA and those who do not.

Biphobia is NOT a form of systematic oppression, and I'm happy to explain why in another post, but not here. This is already too long.

Does that mean that gay men can't discriminate against bi men? No.

Does THAT mean that bi men can't discriminate against gay men? No.

Any aggression that occurs between two people who are oppressed under the same systematic force can be classified as “lateral aggression.” Lateral aggression is damaging, insidious, pointless, and divisive.

There are cultural components that privilege bi men over gay men, and there are cultural components that privilege gay men over bi men, but in society, there is no power imbalance between the two.

Bi men can be extremely homophobic to gay men, and gay men can be extremely biphobic to gay men, BOTH to the point where it could ruin someone’s life.

I said all of this to lead up to my very important point: the validation of discrimination.

I've been on Tumblr for 4 years, and in my opinion, Tumblr mainly cares about oppressed identities or notions that can be wrapped up nicely in little bows.

But I want to make very, very clear that having more marginalized identities than another person does not make you better, smarter, more correct, or mean their struggles are more valid than yours.

Some of the worst things that have happened in my life are because of things that don’t get me ~Internet points,~ like the fact I was raised in a Mormon household, the fact I'm not conventionally attractive, the fact I grew up in a conservative area.

The discrimination and heartache I have faced for things like these are arguably worse, or at least comparable, to the discrimination I've faced for being a gay man.

I feel that a lot of what's wrong with discourse is that people feel like if their heartache doesn't come from being systematically oppressed or from trauma/abuse, then it's not equal or that it's not valid. This is ABSOLUTELY false.

If we are going to be successful discoursers and make progress and better ourselves, we have to let go of our strange fetishization of identity. We have to stop the idea that there is any cohesive, monolithic experience or perspective from any group of people. We have to validate discrimination and the effect it has on people.

Failing to do this alienates people and makes it harder for all of us to become knowledgeable and kind.

We HAVE to kill the idea that someone making a mistake or holding a mildly problematic belief makes them irredeemable. We HAVE to treat arguments as individual and not necessarily as mindless parts of a larger whole. We HAVE to accept that we are imperfect, dynamic, and human. We are not arbiters of judgment or masters of morality. We are a group of people who have come together with the common goals of building community and working to better the experiences of disadvantaged people.

I recognize the need to be wary of patterns and harmful rhetoric, and I understand (and condone) retaliation against oppressors and unnecessary cruelty. This post is NOT here to excuse repugnant behavior and beliefs.

We have to treat each person we come across in the discourse not as the sum (or worse, the poster child) of their identities, experiences, and beliefs, but rather as intersectionally gestalt, multi-faceted, capable of compassion and love, imperfect, and with a boundless potential to improve themself.

It's easy to start a witch hunt on someone who made a poorly worded post or who made a mistake, and sometimes such an extreme reaction is justifiable, even necessary. But again, think about why--is it the allure of seeming more enlightened? Is it blindly following someone you admire? Is it out of spite and cruelty? Is it because you want to win? Or is it out of a genuine desire to keep people safe and to help others learn?

I understand that we are imperfect and sometimes hedonistic or primal in our intentions, and I know that perfection is impossible. I know for a fact I am guilty of many of the shortcomings I highlighted in this post.

Good discoursers have to know that being incorrect is inevitable. There is no such thing as perfect discourse, and mistakes should be expected. The discourser who sees themself as infallible is the discourser to be wary of.

We aren’t machines. We’re people.

[ficdirectory]

The Fosters: Our Thoughts on Episode 5x03 “Contact”

Time for another twin recap of The Fosters.  As always, check out @tarajean621‘s thoughts on Jesus and brain injury representation in italics below:

You Could Have Told Me You Were Out on a Date/It’s Not a Date. Sorry/This Isn’t a Date?!  Hahaha!  How awkward.  Mariana, just along with Callie and Aaron to watch Ximena roller derbying...

Maybe We Could Go Out Sometime Without Your Sister?  What Do You Wanna Do?/Anything/Okay.  I’ll Make the Plan:  Callie, maybe you want to be a bit more specific with Aaron here.  

It’s Not Like I’m Asking You to Get Someone Out of Prison or Prostitution.  Or Maybe You Just Don’t Care ‘Cause You’re Graduating Soon:  Mariana!  Settle down.  Callie can’t help you distribute the underground school paper.  She can’t get in more trouble.  Find someone who can.

Thanks for Helping Out/Unlike Some People...  Mariana.  Just because Moms are thanking Aaron for helping doesn’t mean you need to get all unnecessary with Jesus.  Seems like there’s a lot going on in the kitchen, and sometimes, when that’s happening it’s easier (and safer) for us to just stay put.

I’m Sure They Miss You/I’m Sure They Don’t/I’m Sorry.  What Was That?  Oh, I love how Mariana’s comment to Jesus went unchallenged but his jab at her was immediately called out... <-- Sarcasm

Jude.  Jude.  Jude!/What?  Hahaha!  One of my favorite parts.  Also I love how Jesus is waving to get Jude’s attention.

I Have to Do a Self-Portrait/How About We Take Candid Photos of You and You Can Decide Which Looks the Most Like You/That’s Actually a Great Idea/Thank You.  I’m Full of Great Ideas:  Of course you are, Mariana.

I Have an Idea, Too.  What If Everyone Writes My History Paper, and Then I Pick Which One Will Get Me the Best Grade:  Hahaha!  I miss your hilarity, Jude.

Five Hours Chained to a Deep Fryer/At Least You Weren’t Chained to the House All Day/I’m Sorry.  Were You Actually Talking to Me Just Now?  That’s Amazing:  Oh my God, Brandon, LOL.  Also Moms, please tune into this portion of the conversation...Jesus is really over being at home all day every day.

Moms?  Can I Go Back to School?  ...Seriously.  When Can I Go Back?  I’m Bored and I’m Missing Out on Everything/We Understand, Honey, But.../Honey, Let Us Talk to Your Doctor, Okay?  Okay but Moms seriously need to stop dodging this conversation.  Jesus is entitled to an education.  (Seriously.  It’s the law.)  A brain injury does not preclude him from that.  And to have Lena in particular, who is an educator, not already on the ball about this just seems out of character and irresponsible.  I would think she would be all over this, and his biggest advocate, having experience within the school system for so many years.  Can we stop with the educational neglect, please?

Stef and Lena have been back at work for weeks now, leaving Jesus essentially unsupervised all day at home.  (Unless you count Gabe, but I do not think Moms do.)  The fact that they deem Jesus stable enough to not warrant constant supervision from a health standpoint along with the strides he has made in all areas of his recovery should at least mean that school should be seriously considered and discussed.  

We Invited the New Neighbors Over for Dinner/You Invited:  Ooh, Stef and Lena.  A little tension?

You Bought the Tickets?  You Didn’t Ask Me What I Wanted to See/’Cause You Told Me to Plan Everything/So, What Are We Seeing?/You’ll Find Out Tomorrow:  To me, it’s just common courtesy to run things by your date, even if you’re the one planning it.  It’s not just a date for one.  I’m totally with Callie here.  If she’s asking, point blank, what the movie is, the polite thing would be to tell her.

Why Are We Inviting the New Neighbors Over? We Never Did That With the Old Ones/Well...Mom Went to High School with Tess.  [She] Was Mom’s First Girlfriend:  Wow, Lena, TMI for the children...

Maybe We Could Talk to His Doctor But After What He Did to Brandon’s Room?/We’re Going to Keep Him HOME Until We’re Sure He Can Handle School:  Mothers.  What even is this conversation?  An education is not a privilege.  It’s a right.  (Not just for the rich and white and nondisabled!)  Jesus shouldn’t be denied the opportunity to go to school because he destroyed Brandon’s room.  

I would understand, “Jesus doesn’t get to do [something he enjoys] until he helps pick up the mess in Brandon’s room.”  But to withhold school?  Literally makes zero sense.  Give him consequences that make sense, Moms!

For the record?  Cutting off a person’s social interactions, activities and education as an attempt to control their behavior?  That’s abusive.  Also, this is not 1974.  Being disabled in public is no longer a crime, and disabled students are afforded a free and appropriate public education as of 1975.

He’s Still Not Talking to Brandon.  What Are We Gonna Do About That?  Um, Lena, were you not present at family dinner where Jesus did speak to Brandon?

Gabe Is Entertaining.  How Do We Feel About That?/I Borrowed the Garage for 30 Minutes:  Well, let’s consider this.  Gabe lives in the garage.  You let him live there.  Was this with the understanding that he would never have people over?  (Also, how are you gonna feel when you realize it’s Mariana and Jude in their secret newspaper meeting, and not Gabe at all?)

Wide-Wise or Long-Wise/Do You Mean Vertical or Horizontal?  Are You Stoned?  Noah.  Seriously.  But I am glad to see that Jude seems to be over his desire to get high.

Don’t Have Much to Compare It To, But I Liked It:  Brandon, your love life so does not interest me.  But it was interesting to see a girl (who’s a bit older) on TV without a ton of sexual experience.

Jesus is Having Trouble with His TBI.  He Gets Angry and Kind Of Explodes/Are You Still Playing For Him?  Okay, what universe am I even in right now?  First of all.  Jesus is having trouble with you, Brandon.  You guys need to stop blaming every legitimate reaction that you don’t like on his TBI.  And secondly, I don’t even know what to say about Grace asking if Brandon’s still playing for him.  Music can do a lot of things for people, but it cannot magically heal brain injuries.

Sounds to me, Brandon, like you do not want to own up to the actions you took that led to Jesus “exploding.”

You’re Installing Security Cameras in the School?/Some of the Students Don’t Feel Safe.  This Will Reassure Them:  Drew, forgive me if I don’t take your word for it on how ‘reassuring’ security cameras are.

Mr. Turner, Your Vote Was Not Valid/If Ms. Porter Won’t Resign, She’s Fired:  Wow.  Glad it’s not a sure thing yet.

Why Are You So Dressed Up?/I’m Not/Why Are You So Dressed Up?  Twins!  Also, Jesus and Callie spoke for like the second time ever!

It Wasn’t My Idea.  Aaron Told Me to Wear a Dress:  Sounds like Aaron’s making a lot of decisions for you, Callie...

Miss You.  Can U Video Chat?/Sorry.  Working on Bot:  Ouch.  And Emma’s not even keeping Jesus in the loop about World’s at all...

The truth is, people can and do pull away after you become injured.  This is realistic.  And it sucks - especially as Emma seems to be the only person outside of his family that Jesus has been able to see, given Moms’ nonsense school ban.

That’s Right, Your Ex-Girlfriend’s Coming to Dinner/Dressing for Tess, Are We?  Okay Brandon and Lena, back off of Stef a little bit.

Can You Put That in the Dishwasher?  Because Brandon was right there, and it’s his plate, but Mama needs to put it in the dishwasher.  

Didn’t You Guys Steal a Car?/And I Get Grounded for Stealing a Garden Gnome/You Stole a Garden Gnome? That’s Hilarious!  Oh, we’re learning all kinds of things at this dinner party, aren’t we?  Stef and Tess stealing cars.  Logan stealing garden gnomes. (That sure was a knee-slapper, wasn’t it, Mariana?  LOL.  I love her.)

You Like Seafood?  We’ll Start With the Shrimp Fritters and Patatas Bravas:  Wow, Aaron.  You ordered for Callie, too.  

I’m Sorry.  I Didn’t Mean to Scare You:  Though I definitely did appreciate him apologizing to Callie for taking her picture without her knowing.

I’m a QB/It’s Good You’re Tall.  You Can See Over Your Lineman:  Hahaha!  OMG, Mariana, so awkward, but so funny!

You’re a Big Guy.  You Ever Play?/I Used to Wrestle, But--/We Didn’t Encourage Football:  Seriously, Lena.  Can Jesus get a word in?

It is so frustrating that Moms will not allow Jesus to complete a thought.  And the way it is playing, it seems as if it is because they are constantly worried that Jesus will flip the table over and rip his shirt off in a rage at any moment.

I wish they would attempt to respectfully hear him out, however Moms seem prone to dismiss his concerns or shut him down.

As a Doctor, You’re Not Concerned About Concussions?/Absolutely:  Valid concern.  One of our brothers got three in a row playing high school football.  Doctors still cleared him to go back and play.  He made the decision on his own to quit for his own safety.  But perhaps not dinner conversation, Lena?  (Also, I’m mildly annoyed that that Tess keeps being addressed as if she’s a neruosurgeon instead of an orthopedic surgeon.  She works with bones, Moms, she’s not an expert on the noggin.)

Why Are Girls Always Left Out of the Contact Sports?/Because Girls Channel Their Aggression Through Tweeting/Jesus:  Oh I love how even this back and forth comment to Mariana earns another warning from Moms.  <-- Sarcasm

Moms are seriously monitoring every single word that comes out of his mouth.  Let him speak.  

Oh. My. God. Does Your Girlfriend - Who’s on the Wrestling Team - Know How Sexist You Are?/I Was Joking/You Better Be.  She’ll Dump Your Ass:  But Mariana threatening Jesus that Emma will dump him just skates by unacknowledged.  

Mariana knows Jesus has been feeling vulnerable about his relationship with Emma, so this comment was extra crappy.  Made more crappy by the fact that no one called her out for it.

We Like Football/We Just Don’t Want Our Kids to Get Hurt/You Don’t Have to Play Football to Get Hit in the Head and Screw Up Your Life, Right?  Watching this now, it’s obvious that Mariana’s comment about Emma touched a really raw nerve and has Jesus feeling insecure all over again about the state of his relationship with Emma.  He can already tell she’s pulling away, and she likely wouldn’t be if not for his brain injury.

This is a legitimate statement.  Why must it be treated as an outburst?

Can I Be Excused?/Yes, You May:  Tell me again how Jesus is so irrational and angry.

Well, I’m Sure Your Neurologist Told You That Damage to the Frontal Lobe Can Cause Sudden Aggression.  Sometimes Unprovoked:  Okay but you’re not a neurosurgeon, Tess.  So you really don’t need to keep feeding into this idea that Jesus’s logical reactions have no basis.  And also, Moms, what is up with outing all of Jesus’s private medical info to the brand new neighbors?  Whatever Jesus wants them to know, he’ll tell them himself.

I’m so over this Aggression Is A Symptom storyline.  Make it stop.

He Seems Like a Sweet Kid/He Is.  He’s Such a Sweet Soul.  He Just Can’t Control These Outbursts of Anger:  Thank you, Dean!  But seriously Lena, what outburst of anger?  You weren’t dismissing Mariana’s reaction to Jesus talking about her tweeting as an outburst.  Or Stef’s reaction to being teased about dressing up for Tess.  Just because Jesus has a brain injury does not negate the validity of his feelings.  (And I wish Jesus could hear Lena say he is such a sweet soul, instead of what he overhears later on...)

Why does Jesus need to stuff his feelings in?  To spare yours?

From What You Guys Have Told Us, His Physical and Cognitive Functions Have Improved and That’s Huge:  Holy God, Moms.  Just how much have you overshared with Tess and Dean???

I’m assuming that Stef also shared every excruciating detail about her double mastectomy as well - Tess is a doctor, after all... <--- Sarcasm

He Really, Really Wants to Go to School.  Just, We’re Not Sure/I Think He Should:  Except feel free to give advice here, Tess.  Seriously.  Jesus deserves an education.

THANK YOU, TESS!  

[School] Can Create Added Stress as Well/Have You Thought About Getting Jesus an IEP?/Yes, Of Course, We’ve Thought About It.  We Will Have Him Evaluated When We Feel He’s Ready:  Lena, you can’t keep Jesus in a bubble the rest of his life.  He needs to go to school.  Yes, there’s going to be stress there.  But the point of an IEP is so that he’ll have the accommodations he needs in that environment.  No, it’s not a cure-all, but that is literally what it exists for.

And when exactly will Jesus be “ready” for school, Lena?  When his brain injury magically goes away?  When he acts the way you want him to act?  You can’t use school as a bargaining chip.  It’s just gross.

If, at the beginning of the series, we heard that Jim Pearson was not allowing Jude to attend school?  The viewing public would overwhelmingly see that as abusive.  This is abusive as well.

One on One Classroom Aide/Definitely Something We Can Look Into/Yes, I Know:  If you know, Lena, then what the heck is up with all of your defensiveness?  Sorry these words aren’t coming from someone you’d prefer them to come from, but you and Stef need to hear it.

(And while I know aides serve a purpose in school settings, they also do a heck of a job alienating a kid socially.  I speak from experience.  I hope if Jesus does get one, that they’re respectful.)

Lena, you do not get to use Jesus’s right to an education as an excuse to be petty.

I’ll Make You a Deal.  One Week.  You Don’t Play Video Games.  I Don’t Get High:  I did like this scene between Jude and Noah, though.  They have some good chemistry together.  (Though I wonder if they still will when Noah’s not stoned?  Has he ever not been high when he and Jude are together?)

Look at Jesus’s Photoburst.  He Didn’t Even Bother to Narrow It Down to One or Two/That Sounds Like Jesus:  Maybe he wanted you to have a lot of options, Callie.  But my gut says it’s probably easier to hit a button and send them all at once than it is to look at each one and try to narrow it down...

Wish I Was This Girl/You Are/Wow.  Harsh/You’re That Girl, Too.  You Have a Lot of Layers.  That Other Picture is Just You With Some of Them Peeled Back:  Brandon, so nice of you.

So Resting Bitchface Callie is Just One of My Many Layers?/It’s Not a Bitchface:  Hahaha!  I loved the commentary on resting bitchface Callie.

Is That Why I Haven’t Heard You Playing Music?/Well, For One, Jesus Smashed My Keyboard, So.../We Have a Real Piano:  Tell him, Callie.

OMG Brandon! I’m glad Callie finally stated the obvious!

We Find No Grounds on Which to Fire Ms. Porter.  She’s Still the Principal of Anchor Beach:  Thank goodness...

You’ll Never Get Another Job in Education.  And You?  One False Move?  And You’re Next:  Wow, that’s bold, random school board lady.  Threatening Lena...

What the Hell is This?/Vive La Résistance:  Yes, Lena!  (And yes, Mariana!  Fly your drone and drop those papers!  So cool!)

Property of ABCC STEAM Club:  Oh no.  So sad your drone crashed, guys!

I’m Sorry I Didn’t Want to Jam/So I Got All Weird: OMG Brandon and Grace, look at you two dorks, hahaha!  Clearly you’re made for each other the way you sing to each other about your feelings.

We Can’t Do The Paper Anymore/Why?/Because Drew Will Cancel Prom and Everyone Hates Me Enough as It Is:  I’m loving getting to see more of Mariana and Jude’s sibling dynamic.

I Don’t Like Surprises.  I’ve Had Too Many Bad Ones.  So I Need to Know the Plan, Even If You Make It:  I loved this conversation between Callie and Aaron.  I love how respectful it is.  And I love that Callie did mention that Aaron took a bit too much of the control, telling Callie how to dress, what to eat and picking the movie.

Hey.  Thought You Were Gonna Call Me Today?  Totally been there.  Where you want to send the text, but you’re not ready for the response you’ll get...

I Was Wondering if I Could Try Out For the Team?/Is It Cool With Your Parents? Yes, if cool means I’m Mariana and I foraged my mom’s signature, then totally.  (Also, I love Mariana’s green nail polish, and I really am hoping for a strong friendship / mentorship between Ximena and the Adams Foster girls.)

Have You Given Anymore Thought to What Tess Suggested?  Getting Jesus an In-Class Aide?/Suddenly You’re Ready for Jesus to Go Back to School Now That Dr. Tess Medicine Woman Thinks It’s a Good Idea?  Every time this scene starts with Lena on the phone, I always think, “Oh, good!  She’s talking to ABCC about what needs to happen to get Jesus evaluated for an IEP!”  But nope!  I get that the timing of Stef changing her mind about Jesus going to school is suspicious.  (It is.  She’s shown zero indication that Jesus going back to school was even something she would consider prior to this conversation.)  But the bottom line is?  If Jesus were in any other minority group, holding off on sending him to school would be ludicrous.  Why is it okay here?

It is not okay.  There is no reason he should not be enrolled.  Lena (apparently Jesus’s official caregiver) has been back at work since roughly 4x15.  About a month has gone by since then by my calculations.  A month of Jesus sitting at home alone all day - apparently so stable medically that he does not need constant supervision.  

Jesus’s visual disturbances subside enough that he is able to read in 4x18.  It has been close to two weeks since then from what I can gather.   I can see putting off school up until this point, but after that?  I can see no reason that school is not part of an ongoing conversation.  Accommodations and IEPs take time to be drawn up and put in place, but they cannot be utilized until the appropriate meetings and appointments happen.

I Honestly Don’t Know What to Do About Jesus.  We Can’t Be in Denial About The Fact That He Is Unpredictable.  He’s Potentially Dangerous.  And We Don’t Know If He’s Gonna Get Any Better.  I Mean, He May Be Like This For the Rest of His Life.  Stef, Sometimes, I’m Actually Afraid of Him:  Wow, Lena.  Seriously?  I can’t tell you how many ways this devastates me.  First of all, because Jesus overheard the whole thing.  Secondly, because your ableism knows no bounds!  Jesus literally was not out of bounds in any way this episode.  So I really wish the harmful brain injury representation would stop already.  

Because you know what that leads to?  Fans commenting with remarks like, “I’m scared of him, too.”  Comments like, “He’s violent and scary.”  “He’s a monster.”  “IDK why they ever messed up his character.  This isn’t the real Jesus.  He’s like a whole new person now.” “Thank God Emma loves him,” and “Jesus is going to think he is better off dead.”

How does a portrayal that constantly dismisses the legitimacy of a person with a brain injury’s feelings help that part of the population?  It’s only alienating them more and putting them in more actual danger, because if people are going to watch this show with zero experience with a brain injury themselves or as a family member or friend, they’re going to see a stereotype (that people with brain injuries are violent and need to be put in their place or handled violently before they can become violent) and a damaging disability narrative (which is that when you become disabled, you become a burden to your family.  And the only validity your experience has is how it effects them, because all of your own feelings are “just a symptom.”)

Please let Moms and the family become aware of the harm they are doing.  This is beyond damaging and has real consequences for real people.

Your son has a brain injury.  His brain is altered.  He will make improvements, but yes, he will be “like this” for the rest of his life.  So start seeing him as a human being, not just a list of symptoms.  Start talking with him, and more importantly, start listening to him.  Network with other TBI survivors as well.  Send him to school.  And please, check your ableism.  Because your harmful disability attitudes will hurt him far more than the injury has.

For more: Fosters Recaps

[catspupil]

Recovery - developing an inner administrator

I’ve been thinking a lot and I have decided to write down some feelings (and a year’s retrospective).

CW: suicide, self harm

Wow it’s nearly a year to the day that I called a suicide helpline. I haven’t gone back through my posts from last just yet, and I wanted to just write how I feel right now. This wasn’t intentional, just pure coincidence, but worth noting.

First things first though, I made myself some tea and a pretty good sandwich, because self-care is an ingrained habit, goddamnit.

Without reading my posts from last year, I can think about how I felt in the abstract sense but internally feels very far removed from that period. I no longer feel trapped. Sure, I have debt, and sure I still have anxieties (can’t seem to stay in a decent relationship? Have I done enough? Why did I say that and that and that?) but it’s different now. 

To backtrack: I spent a lot of this past year going to regularly scheduled strength conditioning with a good and patient trainer. I have in recent months started using a step counter and water tracker on my phone. I think it’s stupid that I need to until I needed to be reminded to drink a lot more water. I changed my style a bit (side shave, I love it). 

I went to therapy. For months. Even though it really didn’t help me financially, still better than spending that money on stupid shit, which I am 100% certain I would have done. I have had to deal with seeing the ex that was also my manager every weekday since the breakup. I moved department to a manager who is the best mentor and manager I could have asked for, at least for a day job. I still have to see but not interact with the ex, and he does not hold any power over me. Thankfully. (He still has a key to my apartment which I would like returned, but would like that without having to interact with him.)

I have the freedom to be where I want to be now. Now it’s a choice. Which is a good thing to know too. Because if it’s a choice, I can choose to be elsewhere if I want to. Knowing that I can is all I need. 

I still go into my own head. I still cry. It’s just that now, I don’t wrap anxiety around it to compound and tangle my energy further. If I have to have a cry, I will, and I see it as a car wash for the soul. I don’t hate myself for having feelings as much. Also car washes are great. 

I can see a lot more things with a sense of humour now, even if it’s rueful or sad. Like, sheesh, worst time for a call to drop is when you’re on a suicide helpline. I remember how awful it felt before I called them. Like a part of me went outside of myself and was standing above me, telling me to just do it, end it. And it really felt like there was nobody who could stand in that way. Honestly, there wasn’t really. Because I could always think around whatever people told me about myself. I was determined to not see any good or love or warmth. 

It didn’t help that at the time I chose to rely on a person who did not have the strength to help me when I needed it. Who withheld physical affection, conversation, even eye contact by the end, and considered it better than ending the relationship with me, because I might kill myself if he did. Who chose to not respond to messages, or ignore plans, because of how I was. I felt too trapped and afraid I would be fired (I know, idiocy) if I got mad, and then at the same time, was dealing with visa/deportation issues. So overall a bad time for me. 

Sometimes I still feel cold inside, but I see a lot more times when a big sad is brewing, or how often it’s merely I wasn’t taking enough care of myself. My body didn’t notice the physical signs because I was so used to pushing myself beyond the levels of comfort. Not necessarily to achieve anything, just because of poor self-discipline. I work around it a good bit. Even tonight, took a half-hour nap this evening because I wanted to have energy to work during my productive hours. Tonight my productivity goes to this because I think it’s important, but I intend to get some practice in too. 

Also seeing things as little blocks, little decisions, and every little block is a victory. Even if I do a little, every day, there’s still more there than there was before. 

But this is the important realisation I had about mental recovery:

It’s like therapy and routine and all that sort of formed a bouncer in my head. Or a bored administrator. All these feelings have to check in to see if they have an appointment, to see if they’re valid. Otherwise they get to wait in the waiting room until they go away.  

It’s not repression, it’s not forced positivity. It’s checking in with feelings before they are allowed to overwhelm you. And if these weird little assholes are filling up my waiting room, there’s usually a reason, and even NAMING that reason can make them fuck off. Make them self-conscious and examine their toes and mumble some excuse. Even that moment when I said out loud to a stranger on a helpline that I wanted to die, I felt relief. Even though between that point in time and five minutes prior to that barely anything had changed in my life, it still felt like my head had broken the surface of the water. A gasp of air. 

Anxiety for me is when there is no action. It’s when there’s a decision or action I am putting off or ignoring. It could be as simple as not going for a walk that day. Once I started addressing that, it began to happen a lot less. Even noticing tension in my jaw, or ankle, or shoulders, or checking in with myself, helped a bunch. 

Even when there are bad days, I’m not as paralysed. I don’t lie in bed a whole day without food and water until I finally get up out of desperation. It’s good. I don’t know how many weekends I spent doing that, in all honesty. 

I know and accept what hurts me and why some things still hurt. I understand that some scars fade quickly if you admit them and some take longer. I know that forgiveness has to be for everybody involved, including yourself, and sometimes there will be a voice screaming you’re shit and it’s the only one in a chorus of people telling you they like you. The liking voices seem like a whisper compared to that one asshole heckler talking about how fucking awful you are at whatever it is you’re doing. 

Even now I feel it, because cliche, but I’m writing anyway, because cliches to words are like the masters to art, the greats to music, words and phrases grow up wishing they could become a cliche. 

I can breathe. I can respect my own needs and trust my own story. I know it’s taken nearly 30 years, fuck, and I hate blaming childhood trauma, but goddamn if you go on for long enough with people telling you to suck it up, you don’t have a problem, well...trying to go against that wasn’t easy for me. It shocked me how much resistance I met from family members to go to therapy. 

I think I’m a lot more recovered, but I see depression and anxiety as more of a long-term illness, perhaps lifelong. It can be managed and maintained carefully, but I don’t think I would or could ever expect it to completely go away, no matter how good the life/company/accomplishments. And honestly, my life is pretty great in a lot of ways right now. There are things I want and will always want but I’m closer to those now than I was before, and that’s important. I’ve come to terms with the fact that there are a lot of things in life I may never have, and that’s okay, it doesn’t make any part of my life or experiences less valid. 

Consciously choosing to give less of a shit in certain situations, retaining some detachment, is a blissful independence from a lot of unnecessary anxiety. Making less comparisons that aren’t even applicable helped, too. I just ran out of fucks. I still have a few but it’s nice to have less. This is my goal:

I can’t decide if this should be a separate post, but I wanted to add: I have a lot of things I want to achieve, but what I want to be is kind. Overall good. Able to do something that speaks to people or helps them. Because it can’t be just me that feels the way I do. 

The thing is that being kind and good to other people is pretty fucking hollow if you can’t be those to yourself, too. Which for me was the hard part. Once you start doing that you need less from people and what you give can be better. Rather than being a sponge for support that you can’t seem to retain, dependent on approval or validation from external sources. 

This is a long and rambling post. TL:DR, I’m better than I was, and I’m trying to be better still. Thanks too to friends who kept being there for me through everything and who I’m sometimes too busy to respond to, but I love you. 

UPDATE: this is the original post. I’m glad I didn’t read it first. 

[junker-town]

What Kevin Durant has to lose and gain by playing in the Finals

The Warriors are in trouble. KD is hurt. But is even a chance at overturning a 3-1 deficit too good to pass up?

The Warriors now find themselves down 3-1 to the Raptors in the 2019 NBA Finals, and Kevin Durant has yet to play a game. Durant has been out since May 8 with a calf strain, and we’re unsure if he’s even scrimmaged with the team since. The Warriors, who are also dealing with injuries to Klay Thompson, Andre Iguodala, DeMarcus Cousins and Kevon Looney, don’t look like the same team without their perennial Finals MVP, too. They’ve lost back-to-back games by double digits.

Head coach Steve Kerr has been secretive about Durant’s health status, hinting that he may return for Game 5 or 6 if there is one. But the extent of what he’s dealing with has otherwise been kept hush-hush.

Durant and Golden State’s medical staff have been careful with his rehab given the long-term risks. The question is, if he’s given a choice of whether or not to return, even if he isn’t at full health, should he?

ELLENTUCK: There’s never been a better opportunity for Kevin Durant to prove he is not just a mere add-on as a Golden State Warrior than if he were to return to Game 5 and win. The Warriors look tired, sad and hurt right now, and each win left in this series would drive up his worth that much more. I mean, heck, it could be enough to sway him to stay with the franchise for another stint. If he’s too hurt, he’s too hurt. But if I’m Kevin Durant, I’m lobbying whoever I have to so I can step on the floor on Monday. There’s so much more to gain than to lose.

WINFIELD: Nah, Matt. First: Add-on is disrespect. Two-time Finals MVP, and should be three-time based on how subpar the Warriors look without him. Durant’s entire Warriors existence has been validated in his absence. Returning to the lineup only puts him at risk of a) re-injury or b) a subpar performance in a losing effort where everything falls apart at the expense of a championship. Regardless, Durant is injured. If he’s able to come back, he’ll play. I don’t think he’s sitting out intentionally for legacy purposes. But, for me, it’s clear he’s the difference, and this series shows every bit how important he’s been to their success all along.

ELLENTUCK: But even if he comes back and loses, he has every excuse in the book to play. He can say he wasn’t 100 percent still and he can say his teammates weren’t 100 percent healthy either. If he’s already planning to leave after the season anyway, there’s no social risk in taking this leap of faith which could shut the mouth of every hater he’s ever had since 2016. Of course, he’d be risking re-injury, and for that reason I’d never fault him for sitting out. But from a public perception perspective — which we know he’s always thinking about — this is an easy call. Are you imagining what his entire narrative would become if he helped Golden State crawl back from a 3-1 deficit (which would ultimately kill off 3-1 jokes, too)?

WINFIELD: Maybe it’s just me, but I genuinely think any Kevin Durant hater watching this series has to pay homage. He is the ultimate pressure release. His impact on both ends of the floor is missed. When the Warriors go on to lose these Finals, this will be remembered as the series Kevin Durant missed.

It sounds great: Oh, KD came back in Game 5 and hero-balled the Warriors to three straight wins. But the man hasn’t played basketball for precisely one month, and hasn’t even been participating in scrimmages. He’s gonna be rusty, have Kawhi Leonard draped all over him, on 1.5 legs, and be under NBA Finals pressure. Meanwhile, he’s risking a re-injury, and we saw what happened with DeMarcus Cousins this season.

A return is unnecessary if he’s not 100 percent healthy. And, to be honest, it’s unnecessary for legacy purposes, too. His legacy is adequately represented by how Golden State has performed without him.

ELLENTUCK: I think the same people who ripped on Durant for signing with the Warriors are still going to feel the same way after this series. To most, that won’t matter, but most aren’t Kevin Durant. There are more excuses to pin the Warriors’ loss on than I can keep count of, given how many injuries there were. I’m still not convinced that if everyone else aside from Durant were healthy that Golden State wouldn’t be winning this series.

This is the ultimate chance for Durant to re-write the narrative of the biggest decision in his professional career to date. Think about the LeBron James-Warriors slander after his superteams fell short against the Spurs and then Golden State in back-to-back years. And then think about how coming back from a 3-1 deficit changed his entire already-cemented legacy. This could be that moment for KD, the guy who has tried so hard to validate his move to the Bay that he created burner Instagram accounts. If this matters as much to him as he’s led us to believe, I can’t see why he’d turn this opportunity down. Does anything really change if he comes back and Golden State still loses Game 5 anyway?

WINFIELD: Sometimes I forget we’re talking about a man who tweeted in defense of himself from separate burner Twitter accounts. My guy definitely cares about public perception. If Golden State comes back and loses Game 5, haters can point to that one, out-of-rhythm, rusty-ass game as “proof” Kevin Durant wasn’t the difference, that the Warriors stood no chance, regardless of whether he played or not. If he sits out, this all becomes a what-if, and what-ifs are always remembered when it comes to the greats.

To be fair, this Raptors team is loaded from top-to-bottom, and I don’t think rusty KD has any moves for Kawhi Leonard. Imagine KD returns from injury, only to get clamped up by Kawhi on one end, then torched by Board Man on the other. The conversation surrounding Leonard as the best player in the world is here because we’re in a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately era, and Durant hasn’t played since May 8. Returning anything short of 100 percent creates an opportunity for Leonard to expose him. That’s not smart.

ELLENTUCK: If KD doesn’t come back and the Raptors go on to win Game 5, this will always be remembered as the what-if series for the Warriors dynasty — especially if it does collapse like we all think it will in the offseason. But for Durant’s legacy in particular, this series feels like it will be forgotten. The basketball fans will remember what he did in the Finals, they’ll remember how spectacular he and Curry were on the same court, but they’ll never remember this team as Durant’s like we do LeBron’s Heat and Cavs.

If KD sits out Game 5, there’ll be intense scrutiny on where he signs next and speculation if he’ll ever win a title “on his own.” And I think that’s what he fears most. The sweet, sweet release from narrative hell is right there if he comes back down 3-1. After that, he could ride into a Los Angeles Lakers-Magic Johnson dramedy lane untIl retirement just like the guy he’s spent his entire career trying to surpass.

WINFIELD: There was always going to be pressure on what KD does next. Even if he came back, coming back from 3-1 is unlikely the way Toronto is hooping.

This Warriors team was never going to be Durant’s. It always has been and always will be Steph Curry’s, even if he never wins a Finals MVP in his career. The Knicks on the other hand? They’re already his, and he’s not even a free agent yet. That’s the only place he’ll truly be able to win “on his own.” Let’s just fast forward to July 1. This one’s over.

[gaknar]

Review: The Secret Wars

Well we made it. We survived the Secret Wars. We survived all the hackneyed, 3rd grade, dumbfuckery that is one of the weirdest comic book crossovers of all time.

Remember when I was just starting this huge fucking omnibus? Remember when I made it half way through? Here I am on the night I finally finished that sucker off. Look how happy I am! And here is a big review. The decision to cover the Secret Wars came from a desire to track the core X-Men characters through every comic they appear in. For the purpose of nerd posterity. And to meticulously observe the level of continuity that the writers were able to achieve (or not achieve). Though the X-Men are not the central focus of either Secret Wars series, they are present, and these stories were the big Marvel event of the time. And the Secret Wars have always been so notorious that I’ve always wanted to read them. And god damn it why am I making excuses. I wanted to read these comics because I love Marvel even when they are at their worst.

Like seriously I could be reading Nietzsche or Ernest Cline and all I want to read is these dumb fucking comics.

Technically speaking, this reading covered Uncanny X-Men #176-#203, Secret Wars, Secret Wars II (including all crossover issues), Asgardian Wars, the Magik mini-series, the Nightcrawler mini-series, the Longshot mini-series, Kitty Pryde and Wolverine, and a bunch of issues of the New Mutants. I had no idea that these mere 23 issues of Uncanny X-Men would coincide with so much other X-Men related material, but such is the nature of the popularity explosion that the X-Men were going through at the time. And coincidentally, it was Secret Wars writer / Marvel editor-in-chief Jim Shooter who decreed the X-Men brand had to be expanded on so largely, because it was so popular, and because Marvel was leaving money on the table by only showcasing the characters in 2 on-going series. Hey remember when Marvel cared enough about the X-Men that they actually tried to exploit their popularity?? Remember when they promoted the characters and stories as if they actually wanted the brand to be successful? Ahh those were the days.

I couldn’t find a picture of it, but my first comic book t-shirt had Wolverine on it, smoking a cigar, with the text “Make Mine Marvel, and Make it a Mutie.” That was in 1988. Compare that to how Marvel regards the X-Men now when making merchandise.

Reading all of this material, and the massive amount of other random comics that are included in the Secret Wars II crossover, it’s easy to see why Chris Claremont was so well regarded at the time. The criticisms of his writing are still valid. He’s as wordy as ever, many of the characters are sexualized in an unnecessary way, and compared to more popular modern writers his material is dated, slowly paced, campy, repetitive, or just uninteresting to some people. But when you directly compare him to his contemporaries at the time, the Uncanny X-Men was like something from the future. His comics are filled with dark stories of inner personality conflicts:

feminist focused character arcs:

and social commentaries integrated into the narrative in a natural way:

You just don’t get these qualities in the issues of the Avengers, Spider-Man or Captain America that were being published at the time:

Not that this story about Captain America fighting a giant, human armadillo wasn’t engaging!! It totally was! For serious! It was no laughing matter!!

While reading the massive Secret Wars II crossover that touched nearly every Marvel comic being published, coming to an issue of Claremont’s Uncanny X-Men or New Mutants was like grabbing breath of fresh air. People talk realistically and eloquently:

characters have depth and subtlety, and they don’t always behave predictably:

and best of all, aesthetically speaking, Uncanny X-Men contains some of the coolest stories in comics:

And despite the convoluted comic book narrative crossing over into several different titles, there is continuity in Claremont’s writing that drives everything along in a believable way. For instance, after Kitty gets her hair hacked off by Ogun the demon ninja in the Kitty Pryde and Wolverine mini-series, she returns to Uncanny X-Men and you see her hair grow back slowly over time as the stories play out in chronological order, despite the publishing schedule of these different comics being completely out of order at times.

Kitty Pryde and Wolverine #2 (Published Dec 1984)

Kitty Pryde and Wolverine #4 (Published Feb 1985)

Returning from Japan in Uncanny X-Men #192 (Published April 1985)

X-Men Annual 8 (Published Dec 1985) which takes place during a 3 month gap between panels at the end of X-Men #192.

X-Men / Alpha Flight #2 (Published Jan 1986) which takes place during the same 3 month gap between panels at the end of X-Men #192.

Uncanny X-Men #193 (Published May 1985

Power Pack #12 (Published July 1985

Uncanny X-Men #194 (Published June 1985)

Uncanny X-Men #196 (Published Aug 1985)

Uncanny X-Men #201(Published Jan 1986)

It’s this sort of attention to detail that really engages an OCD kid like me and gives a feeling of life to these comics. When I was a young, naïve nerd who didn’t have a life or any friends (I have tons now I swear), it really felt like these characters were real people having amazing adventures and each comic book was a window into their living, breathing, persistent, physical, world. Successfully creating this illusion was Chris Claremont’s big talent, and it’s often overlooked when you spot check any one particular comic he’s written, or focus too tightly on the words that fill up any particular panel he’s designed.

I still have no idea what’s going on here.

I’m going to hang my rep on the line here and say something controversial. These X-Men comics and Claremont’s writing in the mid 80s—I think this has been his best work so far. I know these stories come long after the ones he is most famous for, and while it’s probably true that the conceptual narratives of the Dark Phoenix Saga and Days of Future Past are more interesting from a fantasy standpoint, his character work in these later comics is more engaging to me. There is more depth and believability, perhaps because the characters have existed for many years at this point, and there is a strong sense that they are growing, maturing, and struggling to be better people. This development takes time, and it happens over many comic books that span many years of publishing, and this may be why these comics are not as well remembered as the bigger stories. But because of the added depth I’m more invested in the little events that are happening to these characters in every issue:

So. On the other hand. I’m not going to spend too much time talking about Secret Wars since I think I pretty well conveyed my opinion of these comics while I was reading them over the last year. Again, reading Claremont’s work alongside the Secret Wars and the Secret Wars II, as well as the dozens of other Marvel comics that were part of the Secret Wars II crossover, is jarring. Because the Secret Wars are not subtle. Or eloquent. Or well written. Or averagely written. Or poorly written. They are terribly written. As I said in one of my posts, the Secret Wars are the comic book equivalent of a Michael Bay movie, in which the director (in this case editor-in-chief Jim Shooter) fancies his characters as toys, and his stories as an excuse to bash his toys together while supplying his own vocal sound effects.

And for the most part, that exciting shit only happens in the first Secret Wars. In the second, when the omnipotent Beyonder takes human form and comes to Earth to study human desire and search for contentment, we don’t even get the popcorn fun of watching our favorite comic book characters mindlessly bash each other’s brains in. We get one of the least interesting characters ever moping around trying to understand the nature of his clinical depression.

There is NOTHING interesting about the Beyonder. He’s an 80’s cliché, everything an uninspired, middle aged writer thought was envious or intimidating 30 years ago. His story takes itself way too seriously, attempting to examine the broad existential themes of happiness, contentment, and the meaning of life, but failing completely at creating any tension or… you know… any interest in anything going on. It’s really, really, really not good. As most Marvel fans know, you can’t recommend these stories to anyone. They were published at a time when the comic book medium was maturing into something more respectable with the arrival of stories such as Watchmen and The Dark Knight Returns. But god damn it, as most Marvel fans know, if you are a super big geek that likes to see all your favorite characters get together to fight a super big bad, there’s still something fun about these comics. In a horrible, embarrassing, guilty pleasure sort of way. There’s nothing respectable about these stories, but I still found myself laughing out loud and excited to write about them, to parade their panels around the internet and make fun of them. Does this make me a bad person?

I can’t say I was expecting the climax of the Secret Wars II. With this man-baby squirting sphincter machine the Beyonder used to birth himself as a regular human.

So alright. That’s it. Let’s move on already. My review is: Don’t read the Secret Wars. Unless you already know you want to. There!!! I’m done with the Secret Wars!!! Forever!!! I'm going to take a break for a few days, but then it’s time to read the last leg of Chris Claremont’s run on the Uncanny X-Men. These are the first X-Men comics I’ve ever read as a kid! Let me at them!!

[sun-moonflowers]

Decluttering thoughts

I’m not too sure where exactly to begin writing this because my thoughts have been extremely crowded recently. I attempted to clear this up, perhaps unsuccessfully, in terms of finding some resolution or peace with myself. Writing has not proved itself to appease, however unrelentingly I have scribbled in the past few days about worries both real and petty. To first account for my decision of putting this up here instead of my proxy for the few reasons being this is primarily text and the latter does not serve this purpose in its primary function; it also takes the formality out of the context that i wish to preserve; neither do I have to consider the relevance or ill-relevance of an image to match this murk for whichever image I choose will either be unequable in what I am trying to convey. In part, I owe this slightly pretentious formality to what I have been reading — it is fascinating to consider how what we read affects our manner of speech so readily, how we are such malleable creatures — most of which are academic, some incoherent and others dense but illuminating, all of which in their certain positives have momentarily assumed my speech as so. I have marked my prose with sub-headers, if you wish to skip the parts that less interest you, do feel free. 

An indefinite break from social media

I have a couple of thoughts lately, which I refer to as contemplations because they involve an action or call to action which I am pondering over its necessity and consequence. Among it includes the consideration to do away with my proxy platform. This in part is due to a larger desire to distance myself from social media and go offline for an extended period — by this I mean an indefinite hiatus. Lately it has occurred to me that this pressure of visibility is unwarranted and unnecessary, even distracting to making good art or good work. It is something I could do without because neither my life nor my income depends on it (though I have no income to speak of currently.) If I am finding nothing meaningful in whatever I post and all these actions are in fact mere gestures, self-aggrandising and therefore possessing the power to do otherwise, should it not be without a question to do without so as to do better? Another of which stems from the inadequacy of the platform in presenting thought and coherence as I would like it. Owing to my obsessive natures in this respect, it is frustrating to deal with it all the time. So for those of you who read this will know then, that if my silence has become obvious, it is not without reason. I would then request for you to write to me instead, if you so wish to know how I am. Letters are most welcome, but the instantaneous messages over mobile devices will not be shunned either. This distance is aimed at breaking the attachments formed between my sense of self, time and occupation with the entrapment of social media and its dangers, folly, excessive — not friendships.  

Academic woes: a headache basically

A rut that I have been within in the past couple of days has been with regards to my next essay. This predicament can be attributed to a few things that form my incoherence and hence no sense of direction in which to take for this essay. To provide context, I am researching on Orientalism in the 19th century. My initial idea was to compare and contrast ballet repertoires choreographed during the late 19th century to early 20th century, and their representation of the Orient/ Exotic/ Other through the female body. Ideally, this would create many opportunities for discussion: fear projected in terms of imperialism, or perhaps classism thereby leading to ornamentalism rather than Said’s Orientalism; the male gaze and the female nude as prevailing practices and the Orient is a means of perpetuating that rather than representing anything; using Freud’s analysis on dreams and the erotic to explore if perhaps the sexualisation and sensualisation of the exotic is a deeper desire concealed by the Europeans than necessarily a means of subjugating the Other, for the Other is perhaps merely a means in which to distance such desires from themselves as they would hope to preserve as pristine, godly, restrained. 

But, not everything goes as we intend it to be. There is a sore lack of research on Orientalism in ballet, and a greater cavity in the archival footages of ballet in the past. In part, photography was only gaining momentum in its infancy and the acclaimed  Diaghilev also made sure that no recording of his choreography was permitted. That poses the question: how do you write about ballet if you have yet to see it live for yourself, even if through a screen? I can only read about it, and as with all secondary accounts, they might not be entirely factual; and as with all theatrics, there is a habit of exaggeration in play that I expect no less of an extravagance like ballet. So right now I am left with the ballet-russes of the 20th century, not 19th century — and only one was extensively publicised and studied over (that being Schehezerade, inspired by the Arabian Nights), and perhaps Salome, but that is a biblical tale, not exactly about the Eastern culture at all. I ever thought of doing a cross study of ballet, painting and perhaps poetry or literature, but none quite inspires as much as my initial imperative. 

A part of me also wishes to make study the psychological/ social use of the East to represent sensuality and sexuality during that time. Perhaps as time continues to pass, I will not have the liberty to be choosy about this. Having written all these down, I surprisingly might find a way around this. I shall first delve into the possibility of the latter as my directive and see if there are possibilities for such. It feels like such a huge task because there is so little written about it, which might be an optimistic thing, in terms of originality, yet it also places such immense pressure on validating the arguments. It could go right with this, or very very wrong. I have rambled too much about my homework, which I would assume, not even make much sense to anyone other than myself. But all this is cathartic in a way. Now moving on —

The New Year and Turning 21

It is the doubling of the new year and turning a year older that always somehow leaves me more troubled and reclusive during this period than one would perhaps expect of in the festivity of the new year. This year has proven more weighing than the others, and if you may ask what turning 21 feels like, I think I have an answer compared to any one who thinks there’s not much change. It is only those still amid transitionary states do they feel most deeply what the ‘coming-of-age’ truly entails. Most days I am rattled by the worries of finances, and the ability to manage it properly and more than just adequately. I admit that I have ridiculous savings plans that require me to eat myself but I am confident that they are not impossible. This ridiculous savings plan is a method of future planning because this will be my funding after I graduate and anticipate the few months that I need to fight very crazily hard to stay here. It is almost sickening to think that if I save half of my allowance every month, I would have only saved a year of my tuition fees by the time I graduate. But it also reveals to me how hard I need to make my education worthwhile and my time here more worthwhile than anyone else. I also loathe the financially-conscious me who has to opt out of everything because it just isn’t within my priority nor means to do so. If you read this, I am not asking for sympathies or what not, maybe just the courtesy of not talking about it because it is already on my mind 24/7 and I just don’t want to talk about it further. 

Money is a very real and disgusting problem, but we cannot do away with it, that would require an upheaval of entire economies and world that we have long set in stone for ourselves to relinquish. So as always this still stands: to beat the system is to excel in it, and gain the freedom in which it will allow you the options to stay away from it. I spent New Year’s Eve and countdown vacuuming the house and changing my sheets, making my house clean after two weeks of holiday. It’s the reality that a celebration is momentary and there are more important things to see to — the celebration can perhaps wait until you are in the mood for it. While everyone is planning some big party and joyous thing, I’m just thinking if I should catch that movie cause it would cause money; if I should go for tea as a treat to myself but that would also cost unnecessarily which I can instead use for classes or something else; staying at home alone would seem too sad and sorry; maybe I should take my film camera out for the afternoon and explore London instead. (But I am looking forward to dinner with Lynn that evening.) 

Yesterday, I wrote a list of goals for the year: things I wish to accomplish in this year. It is encouraging and motivating to have that list up on my desk wall. Let’s hope I do stick to realising them. And perhaps I should even do away with using the word ‘hope’ excessively, because it only provides excuses and consolation for when I do not actually accomplish anything. To also reduce the dependency on these words: ‘just’, ‘maybe’, ‘hope’. 

Unemployment; recruitment is a pain

Currently still unemployed. It is disheartening when you can’t even get a temporary job under your school because it’s by a first come first serve basis — and though you think you would be the first when you reply to the email immediately, you’re just that few letters short of time. How shameless can one also get? Or which desperation drives us into. I applied for the same job which rejected my application last October because I really really want to work there. There is no reply and I only think of the worst lately. Next week, I tell myself to grit my teeth and go to a few places to ask if they have any part-time vacancies. I am crossing my fingers I get some good news with that. If I have this job, then I wouldn’t have to worry so much about finances. I also tell myself it is only 4 months since I’ve moved here and I need to give London some time, so time I will take. But recruitment, you really are a pain. 

My thoughts have presently escaped me and I shall pause here till they return, should they ever. School reopens tomorrow and many things await but taking a step at a time. Adulthood is terrifying and burdensome and whoever thought of this vicious cycle is a maniac. (We are worse, for buying into it and living it.)

[macyinmotion]

testing the waters

I feel like this should be the start of something, now, in this specific moment, because I’m feeling like it is truly the end of some very wonderful things. 

For starters, my best friend is moving on. I never really knew what it would feel like when she did, because I guess I never really realized how much I depended on her; we talked, we fantasized, I ranted, she listened, and it worked. It was a friendship that worked so unbelievably well, I hadn’t even recognized how fucking natural it was. On the contrary, I definitely took for granted how much I needed her, and how much I’d miss her. I mean, I’m thrilled that she is finding her groove in college-life and engaging in all the wild shenanigans she missed out on in high school — I just wish I could’ve been there to watch her enjoy it. 

Another thing driving me crazy is how much I miss another one. Or rather, how much of her I feel I’m missing out on… it’s like, she’s gained this brand new sense of self, and she’s finally letting herself be the girl I always knew was in there, and I don’t get to see it! I am so proud of how she’s growing up, and the fact that she’s letting herself live and enjoy small moments even when she knows they won’t last. She used to overthink everything, always looking too far ahead, always dwelling too long on the potential consequences of what she was about to say, and now — I think it’s safe to say she doesn’t give a fuck. She knows she looks amazing, she knows she’s hella fun, and she’s owning it. 

Yet, however proud I am of my beautiful best friends, I’m almost feeling jealous of how quickly they’re moving, and I think that’s because I feel stuck. I’ve never stayed still this long in my entire life; I’m not used to being stationary, sleeping in, having to think up ways to spend my day rather than having my day spend itself before I’d even gotten a chance to breathe. It’s hard for me, seeing them laughing and smiling, and knowing it’s their turn to feel that way but also wanting desperately to feel it with them. 

Which brings me to him. In my best words, he makes being stationary feel okay. His existence isn’t earth-shattering like that one from Boston, nor is it completely without a future like… all the others. He makes me smile, which is good — that’s like, a baseline for what someone should do for you. He also makes me think, and makes me laugh, and makes me push my own boundaries. 

Like, sitting on his roof — or back up to climbing up on to his roof, that’s an even better visual: I’m not a physical-risk-taker. I don’t scale the rocks if there’s a likelihood I’ll fall, and I don’t jump into the water because there’s a chance it could hurt. But I didn’t think twice about following him up that ladder, and I didn’t think twice when he lit a cigarette and asked me about my life. I just, did it. 

So, yeah, he pushes me. Which is a change of pace, because he doesn’t push me in small-town ways. He’s not, “c’mon, just sneak out, your parents will never know” —  he’s, “let’s go off-roading and smoke a cigarette on top of that mountain.” Which, I’ll admit, is refreshing. But he doesn’t make me reconsider leaving, not in the slightest, and for that I’m grateful. 

I cannot imagine how devastating it would’ve been to have fallen in love here. 

Truthfully, I’m stoked to be moving; I don’t think I could get out of here fast enough, because while it is refreshing and comforting to be resting up in such a beautiful place, any longer would drive me insane. 

I crave stress: the emotion and dedication of studying, learning, producing things. I miss the deadlines and the red pens, and although I know uni is going to be a very rude awakening and I am definitely going to flounder, I still cannot wait to begin. It’s too easy, being here, drinking coffee on the beach while the dogs chase those damn migratory rat-birds. I want to be overwhelmed, pushing myself to do things I’m uncomfortable doing, making new friends and trying out new identities and different ways of carrying myself. I want to say something wrong to a professor and have them make some comment about “those damn Americans,” and I want to learn from that. 

That’s my problem with being here, is that I’m not learning. Which is why this has to be the something new that starts. I have to put words to paper again, or I’ll explode, I could feel It happening. I was imploding, every beautiful sunset and brilliant smile from him, all I wanted to do was write about it, and I felt like I couldn’t. It was driving me mad, but now it doesn’t have to. 

He texted me tonight, explaining why he hasn’t been responding well — but I knew he didn’t like texting, that’s why I never expected much, so I’m okay with that. I just, sort of can’t wait to be in a place where I’m expected to meet people, where I don’t have to make excuses to get coffee with someone, and where I can explore what I really want without anything holding me back.   

Now that I know where I’m going, for sure, I feel giddy. I thought I already knew, and knew what it felt like to be excited about it, but it seems now that I was holding my breath. It’s like, when that email came through saying I’d met my conditions, that was the moment all of my hard work paid off, not back when I got the scores. I knew the scores were good, because I knew I’d worked hard. Getting that confirmation, though — that validation that I was qualified to be where I’d always seen myself going — that was when it hit me. All of those hours studying and worrying, every single cup of coffee consumed in a vain attempt to seem as if I was prepared for whatever I was engaging in that day. Sometimes, I wish I knew how much of it was completely unnecessary — how much of it was just fluff, just bullshit verbiage on a resume that didn’t actually impact the hiring decision. But then I think, no. None of it was bullshit, because all of it taught me something and none of it taught me nothing. Everything I did had a purpose, an end game — even if that end game was just, disciplining myself to do boring, trivial things for the sake of doing them. 

Like, Pony Club. I could have just as easily ridden horses on my own, gone to competitions, learned my life lessons and not dealt with all the stress and trauma of ratings. After all, ponies were my hobby, not my career move. Nevertheless, I did the ratings, and I earned my certifications, and I don’t regret a second of it because every time I tied that goddamn stock-tie and shined those boots, every time I said the wrong thing to the wrong instructor and found myself on the end of a “you can’t simplify it like that” lecture that ends with me cantering 15 meter circles with my pinkies tied to my saddle, no stirrups, shouting Katy Perry’s “Firework” to the tune of the national anthem to prove you can, in fact, multitask — every time I picked myself up out of the dirt and swung my leg back over, I was solidifying a huge piece of my make-up. When I wiped my tears and simply tried again, and again, and again, and again, and again I was creating a person who refused to give in no matter the pressure. 

And that’s who I am. I don’t give in. Even though this time in my life is full of crazy and chaos and uncertainty, I won’t fall back on my old tricks just to avoid a bit of a fight, because all of the shit I did to get here taught me how to throw the first punch. 

[thelillykane]

uggggh i cbf looking @ the questions so! 1-10 for veronica mars and 10-20 for btvs!

Veronica Mars: 

What OTPs in your fandom(s) do you just not get?

People who ship Veronica with Piz like….what gives!!! Sure Piz is “nice” – a total throwaway word/phrase, mind you – and he has decent taste in music (he skipped a Yo La Tenga concert to see Veronica for like six seconds that’s dedication I always gotta give him props for that I would never miss a Yo La Tenga concert for anyone) and he knows what he wants to be when he gets older and has like The Plan or whatever and all of those are objectively admirable qualities. Veronica before Lilly died & the whole town of Neptune + the world + her two remaining best friends + her mom proceeded to fuck her over would’ve really enjoyed that I think and they would’ve been compatible. He would’ve been a “nice” run-of-the-mill, generic college boyfriend. 

Fact is, they don’t meet under those circumstances. That version of Veronica – softer, less jaded – doesn’t exist anymore, especially not for somebody who didn’t even know her then. Fundamentally, Veronica needs to be with somebody who will let her tape people to telephone poles and black mail them and break the law when necessary because that’s what Veronica needs right now. She’s angry and she wants to make people pay and she doesn’t need to be with the guy who listens to her get cat called in the Cafeteria and tells her to “let it go” and that “karma will get him eventually.” This is Neptune, California and Veronica’s lived there her whole life and she’s seen practically every shitty thing the place has to offer and eventualities and letting shit go doesn’t work for her. She needs to be with someone who gets her ruthlessness and her grudges and that permanent taste of copper in her mouth. Piz isn’t that person. 

Also, Veronica and Piz have two conversations that stick in my mind the first is during 3x01 and they’re watching Logan fight some guy in the cafeteria (re: taser him) and Piz doesn’t know that’s Veronica’s boyfriend so he comments, “I’m a lover, not a fighter” and Veronica gives him this sort of indulgent, I-have-no-idea-what-you’re-talking-about smile because they’re watching Logan fight and that is Veronica’s boyfriend and Veronica’s the one who gave Logan the taser to use in the first place and because Veronica knows that if the roles were reversed and she was stepping in to stop a friend of hers from getting their ass kicked she’d be doing the exact same thing as Logan. Then, Logan walks over and gives Veronica her taser back and they kiss and Piz gets this look like “Oh” because Veronica’s dating the ~fighter~ in this scenario (even though Logan Echolls is both, but) and exchanging chaste, tender kisses with him afterwards and that means that Piz, right away, is not in her equation anywhere. Because Piz would never do that. The series goes on to show us that Piz would never do that. 

The second is their infamous conversation in 3x10: 

PIZ: I figure, you know, I mean, I know what I like. Why waste my time?

VERONICA: Like, why bother with something not good just because it’s something?

PIZ: Especially when you know the difference, which not many people do. I mean, do you?

VERONICA: I…I think I do.

PIZ: You see, I think that’s like ninety percent of life, just knowing the difference.

And Veronica knows the difference and she’s thinking of Logan and immediately following this conversation with Piz she drives to Logan’s and kisses him with that lovesick, yearning look on her face and they get back together and Piz see’s them together the next morning in cafeteria and he’s hurt because during that conversation he thought he and Veronica were maybe talking about one another or whatever and then he realizes that Veronica was talking about Logan because Veronica loves Logan and she wants to be with Logan and Logan is her “knowing the difference” and I just don’t get how people can watch these scenes and think that who Piz is as a person aligns with who Veronica is as a person 

anyway that gotta hella long but i feel strongly about this! 

Have you received anon hate? What about?

I haven’t! I’ve sort-of received anon hate by proxy, which means that I wrote this and my best friend reblogged it and then received this ask, even though she herself hadn’t actually said anything on the topic and had merely reblogged my heated I-can’t-believe-we’ve-been-having-this-fight-for-years post. 

Most disliked arc? Why? 

I have a lot ranging from “this makes no sense plot wise” (everything that happened in My Mother, The Fiend for example) and “I will stab whichever writer did this” (the feminists-fake-a-rape storyline comes to mind for that category). 

Ultimately, or at least for right now, it’s gotta be them making Meg Manning get pregnant with Duncan Kane’s child ffs, putting her in a coma, revealing that surprise! she’d been abused her whole life, killing her off, and then having the only thing left for Duncan to do to get custody of this kid be kidnapping the child and relocating to Australia. First off, Meg Manning didn’t deserve to die and Second off, Duncan Kane is from a wealthy, prominent family, had documentation that Meg’s parents were abusive, and had written documentation from Meg expressing intent to have the child raised by a distant relative. All of that means that Duncan could have easily obtained custody of the child. I get writing his character off, I don’t mind that, but seriously? They couldn’t think of fucking….any other way to accomplish it. Almost anything else would’ve been better. Killing Meg off was cheap and the storyline was cheap and it just…I’m not a fan. 

There’s tons of other storylines I despise as well. For a show I love it sure did a lot of shit I could do without in my life, but this one always sticks with me because it made no sense and cost a great female character her life. Ugh. 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: 

Is there an unpopular arc that you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why?

I’m a sucker for season six. And by “a sucker for” I mean that I’m pretty sure season six is my favorite season (i’ve only watched the show all the way through once, which amazes me, but I’m fairly certain folks).  I live for episodes like “Once More With Feeling”, “Tabula Rasa”, “Older and Faraway” and I think I’ve watched season six episodes more than any other season. 

I know a lot of people don’t like the season – including SMG – and there are a lot of valid reasons not to, but I think the show ending up in this place was inevitable, especially for Buffy’s character. She’d been visibly suffering from depression and PTSD in season one and in every season on, but she’d always managed to bounce back or to hide her from her friends or to keep going and not get sort of broken down by it, and in season six she loses her ability to do those things, which I find to be very human and relatable and raw. And for other characters as well, like Willow, her magic abuse and her control issues and such were shown again as early as season one, so I think her really manipulating people and using her magic in such a negative way was also an eventuality. The season made a lot of decisions that I think were unnecessary, but I think it also really cemented that the characters were human and that all the trauma they faced and dealt with built up until it was it’s own kind of monster. 

What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

Getting called a rape apologist for shipping Sp*ke x Buffy is not my favorite. This has died down thankfully, and I haven’t been called this (or alluded to this) in a long while, but for a solid year I think this was inescapable and highly unpleasant. As a sexual assault survivor like…yikes. Hard pass. 

Additionally, while Sp*ke x Buffy is no picnic in this arena, Sp*ke isn’t the only love interest** of Buffy’s to violate and disrespect her consent and her agency, which nobody ever wants to talk about. Faith rapes Buffy in season four when she has sex with someone in Buffy’s body, someone iirc Buffy had previously sexually rejected and then Angel is kind of super yikes in that regard as well – for starters he’s 26 and she’s a minor and then there’s that whole Angel plot line where they sleep together a lot when Angel’s human and then Angel erases her memories and shit of the day (erases the day altogether), which is the same type of rape shit Willow pulls on Tara in season six. 

Now, admittedly I ship all three, but I don’t like it when people won’t acknowledge that these things happened or that these are issues? Like, none of the above behavior is “okay” or “excusable” and it makes me tired. And a lot of fans act like the shows’ issues with consent and rape culture are limited solely to Seeing Red when in actuality they’re infused in almost every arena of the show from season one on (this doesn’t make Seeing Red okay at all. I’m not saying that and I don’t believe I have ever said that nor will I fucking ever. What I am saying is that it needs to be a broader conversation but) 

** listen like almost every character I think violates and disrespects Buffy’s agency/consent in some manner. But I gotta limit it to just this category